Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm curious, what was the last straw for all of you that made you realize that transition was not an option to consider but a necessity?

For me, a lot of my fears about transitioning centered on future relationships with men and if I would ever find a man who would accept that I used to be male bodied and be willing to be in a romantic relationship with me. This was really incapacitating when I was in my half denial phase. I say half because I had accepted that I had some amount of gender incongruence, but I convinced myself that I could get on okay continuing to live as a gay man.

Anyway, I had been in one serious relationship and it was psychologically difficult to say the least. Once the glow of my first serious boyfriend wore off after a month or so, I was overtaken by extreme dysphoria. I wanted so badly to be a woman with him in a heterosexual relationship rather than a man with him in a homosexual relationship. So much so that eventually it tore us apart.

For the next few years I was largely celibate. I had the occasional one night stand, which was always awkward and uncomfortable, but other than that, nothing. Then finally I started dating someone else seriously and the same thing began to happen. I eventually realized that a successful and happy relationship as a gay man was never going to happen for me. So if I were to transition, if my worst case scenario fear was realized, I wouldn't really be in a worse position than I am now on the romance front. But at least I would be comfortable in my own skin and therefore be maximizing the potential of finding someone rather than crawling into a whole because I hate my body/gender role so much.

This scenario you've described has been happening to me for about a decade now and yet it took me till about a week ago to realize that I couldn't just be trans once in awhile. I can't take being single for life and every relationship I'm in ends because they can't see me as a woman. So I either need to make the move or well let's not talk about that.

When the doctors kept telling me I was going to have to stay in treatment longer and longer unless I did it

When my fears of transition shrank over the years (as fears tend to do) and my dysphoria grew (over the years) to exceed my fears. This crossover point is the point at which I decided I needed to transition. For me that happened at 39 years old.

The last straw for me was the birth of my niece when I was 24. A lot of feelings and emotions that I had been trying very hard to suppress for much of my life came suddenly and forcefully to the surface. The first time I held my niece at a few days of age, I was hit by a tidal wave of maternal feelings and knew I couldn't go on. The following year, until SRS became available, was a constant dance with death but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

I didn't have the ever-since-I-was-six inkling like some trans folks, but definitely remember the exact moment when I realized that I was trans.

I was in my first year of my doctoral program and I was volunteering for International Women's day at my university. I was supposed to be carrying displays, decor, information packets etc to where the event was being held. It was absolutely pouring outside. I was wearing sensible girly clothing: jean jeggings, ballet flats, polka-dot cardigan and a lace-trimmed cami. I had long, flowing curly red hair. I remember feeling amorphously anxious, unable to pin-point the origin of my anxiety. I thought that this was due to the stress of organizing and getting the event off the ground. Once all of the materials got inside, I had to walk back to my car. The rain intensified and totally soaked me. I distinctly remember my long curls sticking to my face. My soaked jeggings felt suffocating. I felt the urge to scream rise in me and I had the intense desire to find a pair of scissors and cut my hair off as soon as possible. I remember getting in the car, starting the engine, and putting on my seatbelt...and screaming. One loud scream: "WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?!" and I started to cry. I cried and cried. It felt like I was in the car for hours, hyperventilating. I took several deep breaths and collected myself as best as I could and drove home. I immediately called a local salon to schedule a hair appointment. My hair had to go.

In the next few days, I felt drained and depressed. I finally knew "what was wrong with me."

I was "crossdressing" at a big group event and someone shouted "PRE OP!" at me, rather rudely, but I publicly laughed it off because I was still hiding at that point even to myself.. I had convinced myself I was "in costume".

Then all sorts of funny realizations started bubbling up. Indeed I had been growing my hair out for 2 years already and padding my hips since I was 13, dressing in tight pants and finding great enjoyment in being "mistaken" for a girl.

Leading up to Halloween I decided I would go "all out" with my "costume". To myself, it was an excuse to feminize every part of my life.. and there was nothing I could do to stop it at that point. I knew I could never go back. It was obvious who I was meant to be.

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 13, 2013, 10:18:06 PM
I was "crossdressing" at a big group event and someone shouted "PRE OP!" at me, rather rudely, but I publicly laughed it off because I was still hiding at that point even to myself.. I had convinced myself I was "in costume".

Then all sorts of funny realizations started bubbling up. Indeed I had been growing my hair out for 2 years already and padding my hips since I was 13, dressing in tight pants and finding great enjoyment in being "mistaken" for a girl.

Leading up to Halloween I decided I would go "all out" with my "costume". To myself, it was an excuse to feminize every part of my life.. and there was nothing I could do to stop it at that point. I knew I could never go back. It was obvious who I was meant to be.

Wow. That's a pretty cool story. What made you feel the need to deny it for so long even when you were dressing as a girl?

Quote from: Tristan on June 13, 2013, 10:48:07 PM
Wow. That's a pretty cool story. What made you feel the need to deny it for so long even when you were dressing as a girl?

Years of built up shame made it (in some ways) easier to keep delaying. I was pretty well accustomed to sublimating my feelings of dysphoria into other mental energies.

Another huge thing for me was the deterioration of my most recent long term relationship. It signalled the perfect time to really go through with the transition.

It all kind of came to a head at once... Really convenient actually :)

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 13, 2013, 11:19:45 PM
Years of built up shame made it (in some ways) easier to keep delaying. I was pretty well accustomed to sublimating my feelings of dysphoria into other mental energies.

Another huge thing for me was the deterioration of my most recent long term relationship. It signalled the perfect time to really go through with the transition.

It all kind of came to a head at once... Really convenient actually :)

Wow .. Ok I guess I should say I'm 20% sorry for the little but you did lose out on and congratulations for the 80% you gained girl.

When I was 57 years old,  the whole male world that I had tried to create came crashing down, when I came home from work and my wife of 27 years left me an angry note on the door of our mobile home saying she was out of there and our marriage was over.   According to her our whole life together simply stunk, and she was going to go off and do what she wanted to.   

I had dreamed of growing old together and being the grandparents for our kids that I never had.   By the time of my birth my grand parents were either dead or bed ridden in a convalescent home.   My ex's parents had died before I meant her.   My dad had died when I was thirteen and alcohol created emotional turmoil in my family from that point on so they made poor grandparents for my kids.

I basically, became Michelle, and Michael died to me.   I came to the conclusion that in life everyone else was going to look after their own needs because they told me that anything I had done for my family, I didn't need to do, so that any idea that I had about shared responsibility with my ex for our family and to each other was a fantasy.

I decided that I need to look after myself and my own emotional needs.  It has taken years for the walls of fear about becoming my own female self have come tumbling down.   Now I would not dream of shopping for men's clothes ever.  I don't quibble about rather people call me sir or mam or insist that I can't be female because I have male parts.

I know that I am a woman and on my profile on Facebook and everywhere else state that I am a transgender woman.  Because that's who I am and I will never live by what others choose to make of me because I know who I am.

So the NSA has it in all of the files that they are keeping on me and all future employers will be able to find out that I am a transgender woman and have declared it publically.   

As far as sexual relationships go, I am all for sex.  But having dealt with the results of sex,  I fathered six kids, and raised four more.   I taught school for over thirty years with all of the emotional drama that children bring, that the thought of bringing any more children into this world keeps me from even considering sex where children are possible.   My girl friend feels the same way about having any more kids, and she has never been able to use the pill because it makes her sick.   

As far as having sexual relations with a man, I have an emotional commitment to a woman and we have a 10 year old son.   I don't hide my femininity from him because what would be the point.    I have had enough emotional turmoil in my life, so I just like to keep it simple.   While sex is fun and I enjoy it, it also creates emotional turmoil in my life.   Besides I have never been much of a sex magnet.

I am trying to live as honestly as I can because there has been so much dishonesty in my life, and after all kids want to be who they are.  So I feel after all these years I have the right to be who I am.

As far a hormones and surgery go, I will deal with them as they become possible in my life.   God willing they will be, or God willing they won't.  I am unemployed and living on Social Security and hope that some day Medicare or one of its Advantage Insurances will cover hormones, and even surgery.   My penis, I tuck inside me and pretend he doesn't exist.   He kinda stays tucked.

When I was 44 years old and 5 months away from my 45th birthday, I realized I could not postpone what I wanted to do at a deep subconscious level.

Kia Ora

Re: What was the last straw?

Mother Nature turned up the mental pressure - 'conform' (correct the body)  or else 'lose the plot'...
I chose the former...however some might dispute this... saying I opted for the latter  ;) ;D

Metta Zenda :)

For me, it was when I stumbled on to Youtube videos of HRT timelines for the very first time. For years, I had been telling myself "It would never work," because I thought that I was too masculine to ever pass as a girl or to get any of the features that I really wanted like soft skin or a feminine face and the like.

As soon as I saw HRT timelines for the first time, and learned that it really was possible to pretty much completely change one's gender appearance with hormones alone, that was it. Nothing was going to hold me back once I finally found out about that.

I think about hundreds of straws pilling up over a lifetime of denial and hiding.  Then, about 8 months ago after attending a Transgender presentation by our local diversity committee, I started to take the straws away and lift the veils of fear and shame.  My big turn around came very quickly and saying out loud that "I am transgender" substantially altered my life.  Hope returned for the future and every step since then has confirmed that my past fantasy/dream is now coming true.  I live free and fully as a the feminine person that once shadowed my existence.   I enjoy becoming more the Tessa I was once so afraid of.  It is so very good to be on this side of transitioning!   Change is a certainty and being able to direct more of this transformation is incredibly positive.
My therapist asked me what I would be willing to give up to pursue transitioning and my final conclusion was "everything about being a man."  Each step forward from dressing and presenting as Tessa to now loving my feminizing form feels exquisitely right. 

Tessa James

Issue Raised:  My wife said I never smiled anymore.....

Serious questioning for the first time:  I had gone to an endocrinologist per recommendation of my GP because my breasts had started growing for unknown reasons and male parts were hurting intermittently.  I mean, I had an appointment with a surgeon to cut my breasts off and this was simply follow-up!  The endo ran a bunch of tests and as we were going over the results, she was staring at my developing chest and said I really needed to have them cut off.  My mind agreed and my body jumped back, startling us both.  At that point, I realized something serious was wrong.  I went to a psychologist.

Problem Identified:  I was talking with my psychologist and she was telling me that I had very few female desires and that I would be an ugly woman.  That statement pierced like I had been shot.  I couldn't even think.  Stunned, I left.  The next week, I brought it up, intending to address what she had said and I started crying uncontrollably, confusing myself at the intensity of the emotion.  Fighting my tears and loosing, I told her "That hurt like h***".  She looked at me, shocked, reached out a hand and apologized.  She and I both understood. 

The Decision to Move Forward: I got upset at another endocrinologist (referral number 4), when out,  bought my first real bra, put it on and went to see my psychologist.  I told her my body is becoming female and I'm going to go along with it.
   
When I knew it was right:  While there have been times since starting HRT that I have felt it was correct, I didn't quite find the inner peace and I've been stuck.  Then, yesterday, I had the definitive tests to see why this is physically happening.  I was looking at the MRI portion of the tests, trying to figure out things (no official results until Wednesday) and I realized, I can wait, beyond some physical pain, which I can endure, they will figure it out and it really doesn't matter why. 

I know this seems weird. That's because it is weird.  Just imagine being on this side of the weird. But I have learned that whatever else I am: I am transgendered, I am a woman, I am Jennifer, I am happy and I smile.

I was in prolonged state of depression for several months and my usual coping mechanisms all failed. Then I discovered that old PC game "Second Life" made an account and out of curiosity created female avatar. The next two weeks just blew my mind, because the way I interacted with other players, the intimate female-only communication... It all caused extreme dysphoria to me and I suddenly recognised that those are the same feelings of sadness and longing from my childhood and teen years.
So I started to dig up any information I could and after several articles on psychology and TS/TG issues, I fully realised that nothing has gone away, it was inside of me for all those years, though in deep denial, and the worst part of it - it is not going to go away ever.
Afterwards, I had to accept that there is simply no choice or the choice is "to be or not to be".

I'd been actively thinking about the possibility for probably two years at that point (late last March). But I didn't think transition was really an effective option, and my desire wasn't strong enough to seriously consider it.
So I had a three-week-long epiphany of sorts - my desire finally reached critical mass, and I realized I could maybe pull this off - no, really.
Still, it took three weeks of staring at the phone before I could work myself up to calling a therapist. By the time of our second meeting I was certain of my fate.

And the rest is history. :)

I was a mess an eating disorder dropped my weight to 154 pound,way to little for a 6'4" guy.I was seriously wasted on beer,speed and weed and had spent the last 3 years as a punchbag for my violent shoplifting ex  girl friend with a bigger alcohol problem than mine.I realised that my gender problem had got worse over the last 11 years that it wasn't going away and it would be easier to deal with at 32 than 42 if I put it off another 10 years.My dysphoria was greater than my fear I had to do it,I doubt i would have lived much longer not by suicide but by accident.Many times I started a fire by frying food when drunk or fell asleep in the bath.

Early in my teens I started having a desire that I was female, but I ignored it and labeled it as crazy. Then one day it was like my blindfold was ripped off and I know that it was just who I am. That kind of plunged me into a really confused and emotional state and I knew that I couldn't live like that.

My high school was starting to wear uniforms and I didn't want to wear the thing.
I broke down and told mum, I wore the uniform twice before she allowed me to drop out and we moved states a few weeks later

I was at work at when a newspaper article started up gossip amongst my cube mates. Our hospital CEO was contracting with a company to outsource certain staff and materials purchasing. Amongst the staff listed was information services which is where I happen to work. I went home, panicked, and started looking for a new job. The next day I built up so much anxiety that I broke down at work. It was a full on panic attack at my desk with me just trying to hold it together like a man. Just soldier on.

I went home and talked to my wife that night about everything that was bothering me. From the patients who died in my care to my history of cross dressing as an early teen because I was afraid my mom might try to take custody of our son because she knew. Then my wife started asking about why I brought the cross dressing up. I didn't really have an answer except that I was so afraid that I would be outed as a cross dresser when I was young. That's when it hit. I realized that I had compartmentalised all the pieces of the transgender puzzle. I hide them away in shame as they came up in life and built the best damn "I'm a man" script that I could live by. But the script failed big time right then. I wept and it felt good and I felt so bad that I had hurt this wonderful girl inside me so badly. I mean I'm a thirty five year old data analyst and x-ray tech who solves puzzles in "his" sleep and I just didn't see it. Right there in front of me.

The last straw?
There was no particular last straw moment but a steady building of anxiety which I could not keep on ignoring after all these years.
I had always had an unhealthy amount of GID from my mid teens but could from time to time block it out.
I was also experiencing quite a bit of hair shedding and it was something I didn't want.
So late one winters night, particular cold and wet sitting on my couch by myself about twelve months ago I decided to take action and registered to Susan's after a while reading and not admitting to myself who I was inside.
I was scared witless on my first post but did it and have not looked back.
I have slowly been able to open up to myself and others knowing I will not be judged here.

It gave me the confidence to start the process and take small steps forward on this once in a lifetime journey to me. About to start therapy again but this time about GID not other issues.

I had begun crossdressing again after my millionth purge, and i decided to tell someone because i felt guilty. All i had intended to tell them was that i'd been crossdressing, but what came out was "I'm transgendered." I had known for basically forever, but i hadn't told anybody except a therapist i'd seen one time. This person's response was to tell me that it was okay that i'm trans, and that they were there for me.
  That little bit of acceptance was all it took to open the floodgates. A week later, I already had a basic wardrobe and a new fem name picked out. Since then i haven't stopped, and i could never go back.   

Quote from: youknowwynn on June 23, 2013, 06:47:17 AM
I had begun crossdressing again after my millionth purge, and i decided to tell someone because i felt guilty. All i had intended to tell them was that i'd been crossdressing, but what came out was "I'm transgendered." I had known for basically forever, but i hadn't told anybody except a therapist i'd seen one time. This person's response was to tell me that it was okay that i'm trans, and that they were there for me.
  That little bit of acceptance was all it took to open the floodgates. A week later, I already had a basic wardrobe and a new fem name picked out. Since then i haven't stopped, and i could never go back.

Good for you girl. Glad you can be true to yourself. At your age that makes things a little simpler :)

Last straw? When I stumbled out of the house one morning garbling nonsense to my wife before wandering into the woods and sat against a tree with rain pouring down my face on a cold Scottish winters morning so still that a bird attacked me and I struck out hitting my own face which drew blood which trickled down my clothes then walked for hours in a semi tormented trance until stopped and picked up by the police who took me back home to my terrified despairing wife.........That did the trick.

Quote from: sentience on June 23, 2013, 07:05:30 AM
Last straw? When I stumbled out of the house one morning garbling nonsense to my wife before wandering into the woods and sat against a tree with rain pouring down my face on a cold Scottish winters morning so still that a bird attacked me and I struck out hitting my own face which drew blood which trickled down my clothes then walked for hours in a semi tormented trance until stopped and picked up by the police who took me back home to my terrified despairing wife.........That did the trick.

Wow. That's deep and dark. I'm sorry you had to go through that :(

I had a few 'last straws' before I REALLY had enough.

I was up really late one night watching Youtube video's when my girlfriend at the time showed me something. My lightbulb turned on and I discovered myself. I began noticing, then, just how much I hated the female pronouns and after months of my (now ex) girlfriend controlling me, telling me she hated that I wanted to be a boy, I finally stomped my foot down. I switched jobs after she broke it off with me and now I refuse to let anyone call me ma'am! :)

It feels so good, finally noticing that I've found what I've been searching for!

@sentience
That is deep o.o
I hope all is well for you now :)

Quote from: Jenny07 on June 23, 2013, 05:38:57 AM
The last straw?
There was no particular last straw moment but a steady building of anxiety which I could not keep on ignoring after all these years.
I had always had an unhealthy amount of GID from my mid teens but could from time to time block it out.
I was also experiencing quite a bit of hair shedding and it was something I didn't want.
So late one winters night, particular cold and wet sitting on my couch by myself about twelve months ago I decided to take action and registered to Susan's after a while reading and not admitting to myself who I was inside.
I was scared witless on my first post but did it and have not looked back.
I have slowly been able to open up to myself and others knowing I will not be judged here.

It gave me the confidence to start the process and take small steps forward on this once in a lifetime journey to me. About to start therapy again but this time about GID not other issues.

I have a similar story, minus the sitting on the couch 'aha!' moment. Mine was a futon(lol)!
So proud of you for not looking back :)

I've always known I felt male but not that I was transgender.  Going through puberty in the age of the internet means that, if so inclined, one can find A LOT of MTF porn.  I was fascinated at the prospect of someone being a beautiful woman irregardless of having a penis.  It never occurred to me that the transition worked in reverse, as well.

My first eye opener was at 16.  I had just moved cross country to live with my father.  He is an openly gay man.  While walking down a side street on my first day in the city, accompanied by my father, some idiots drove by and screamed "F&#^ing f@gs!"  My dad apologized for my being included in the insult but somewhere inside me, a voice asked "How did they know?"

The last straw for me came this year, actually.  I was driving cross country with my daughters (age 3 & 2) toward one of my sister's homes.  She was nearing her due date & asked for my support.  I stopped in a rest area so that my girls could use the toilet.  While I was crouched down, helping them dry their hands, I noticed that the entire population of the room was watching me like a fox in the hen house.  They kept that watchful eye until I left the restroom. 

I realized after the bathroom experience that by simply being me, without actively trying to pass, I no longer blend as a female. 

As a result, I am now full time without HRT.  I have hormonal issues which have given me the dirty upper lip facial hair & some beard hairs, along with large amounts of masculine body hair & muscle definition (among other things).  My name change will be finalized in a few days & at this point, HRT is just icing on the cake.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not."

I had been on HRT for about 12 years, I was actually passing in public a lot, I just need to figure out how to do all of the official paperwork and stuff, I needed connections, so I talked to my psychiatrist about it and checked the internet for PFLAG and got that connection to a place in my nearby city and started.

Changed my name on DL and court and on Birth certificate within a year. IT was either that or die. I had been through it all before.

It had all just been forced into the closet by reparative therapy anyway.

My last straw came before knowing what trans was, or that transition existed.

I suffered from depression,  and it just kept getting worse and worse. No obvious trigger, no reason.  Just total energy loss and suicidal thoughts.  The final straw was after nine months of barely existing, I went to the fridge to get a drink and my hands flew out to the pill shelf.  I just HAD to stuff everything there into my mouth and wash it down with everything toxic in the cupboard.  It was sub conscious. .. not reasoned... my subconscious had had enough.
Fortunately my wife was there, I got her to take me to help before I could do anything.

A couple of weeks of therapy and it clicked.  The moment I was aware of being trans, and that I could hormonally transition was just the most euphoric moment in my life.  There was no choice to be made... fem or dead.

Quote from: BecomingDev88 on June 13, 2013, 11:42:25 AM
I'm curious, what was the last straw for all of you that made you realize that transition was not an option to consider but a necessity?

I started writing a blog about how hard it was to be a straight man. Not just how hard it was for ME to be one, but how hard it was for All straight men. I honestly convinced myself that all guys hated being one as much as I did.

I remember shortly after that just being like " duuuuuuhhhh really!?  Am I really doing this!!?  "

its not like I didn't already know I was trans either, I was just so far into living this double life. That did it though, I simply gave up the fight and transition began shortly after.

Kinda funny isn't it;) !

I was already 22 and I wanted to get the most out of HRT by starting younger

I'd been considering the idea for a few years, but was always worried it was just a passing fancy or something. Then I had a breakdown one weekend where I was basically just crying for a good two days.

There wasn't really a last straw moment for me.  I just evolved gradually until I was full time.  I hadn't even allowed myself to present en femme until just over a year ago.   I avoided transitioning like the plague just as I had avoided admitting to myself I was transgender, as I really feared the can of worms I was about to open.  My therapist told me to go on a low dose of estrogen just for the mental effects, even if I didn't want to transition.  The rest just fell into place naturally.  Turns out I was really just a girl all along and I'm much happier doing what I'm doing now.

 

Well, I had chosen to delay HRT for my family for 2.5 years. But I finally reached the breaking point where I didn't care what I had to lose when I was in the grad office, about 7 am. I felt just...messed up and wrong, angry, depressed, just one of the worst feelings I had ever had. I called our province's mental health care centre, looking to book an appointment and she asked me "ok, can you tell me generally why you are calling?" I said "I'm just miserable. I hate my life, my emotions are all over the place, I'm standing in one place, I think I am going to go crazy. I can't find a way to live. I need someone to help me function and get back on my feet."

One of my friends was in there with me and she said "why can't you find a way to live? A way to live as what?" So I said "A way to live as a woman. Just for now. I just have to hold out for HRT, why am I such a weak and horrible person? I should be able to function as a girl until I'm in a better place to transition."

Her response has always stuck with me. She said "You can't function as a woman. That's the whole point! If you could find a way to be happy as a woman, you would be one, you wouldn't be waiting to transition."

It just hit me then that I was running myself into the ground. We looked up the endocrinologist's number and I called to make the soonest appointment possible. The next person I called was a friend, telling her I'd like to rent one of her rooms, as my parents told me I couldn't transition if I wanted to stay at home.

My Dysphoria went into overdrive with things like a constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous, etc. After I picked up the phone and made my first therapy appointment it started to subside. After a week of HRT it was gone. 40 years of ignoring what my body and mind was telling me as to who I am gone with the right hormone in my body. Life looks really good right now and I have human emotions for the first time in my life. Like they say, you go from black and white to "Wizard of Oz" color.  :)

Like the proverbial final straw, for me it was a seemingly trivial event at work. They changed one of the single stall loos to women's only. Yeah, really. A lot of gender identity issues had been building up for a few years, and I had dealt with it by pushing them down and using my good old pals - Denial and Escapism - to cope. Those issues had been getting stronger and stronger last year and I was utterly miserable over the new year. Then, when that stupid little blue sign went up - "Women's" - I snapped. I felt so utterly rejected and humiliated I couldn't go back to work for almost two weeks. During that time though it became undeniable what my core issue was...unfinished business...time to restart transition. It wasn't a great time in my life, I have to laugh now about how trivial it seems now, but at the time it really was the final straw and I am indebted to it!

I am a classic late term transitioner. All along I *knew* that I was "different" but since I grew up without the internet and no one knew what transgender meant back then (and if they did it would carry a dark stigma) I remained in blissful ignorance until I reached 45. I was constantly depressed, i had no feelings or emotions, was generally a miserable person, and I saw no purpose in my life so I turned to my good friend alcohol and he kept me company for most nights.

At 45 I began to have certain.... feelings. I still could not put a finger on what they were.

By the time I had reached 50 I knew exactly what the feelings were but I was in severe denial. I was turning to alcohol even more and went to bed drunk most nights, and went to work still drunk the next day. I knew what the personal cost was going to be if I did "that", so i refused to even think about it.

Sometime that summer I realized that I was on the road to killing myself 1 drink at a time, and I knew that if I didn't do something about myself I would soon occupy a coffin. That realization made the personal cost thing a non-issue. Also, i was disgusted at the person that I had become. This was my final straw.

I went to a therapist and pretty soon I had scraped off the layers of denial and had made changes in my life that removed most of the need to drink. I still fight it these days but I'm slowly getting ahead of it.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 02, 2013, 02:10:16 AM
My Dysphoria went into overdrive with things like a constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous, etc. After I picked up the phone and made my first therapy appointment it started to subside. After a week of HRT it was gone. 40 years of ignoring what my body and mind was telling me as to who I am gone with the right hormone in my body. Life looks really good right now and I have human emotions for the first time in my life. Like they say, you go from black and white to "Wizard of Oz" color.  :)

>constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous<
I have all of these right at this very moment.  My first GT appointment is tomorrow at 9am.

I became aware of being transgender around 15, but passed it off as a fantasy - and every day the real me would cry out for me to recognize it. Since then it became harder and harder for me to put on the mask, and I deep inside I was miserable to only be alive in my mind, with my body "following the motions". at 25 years old I befriended a few girls that are transgender and learned what that word really means. My thoughts of "this me is only what I keep inside, I must hide and protect it" evolved into "I would but there's no way this ugly male body will ever be beautiful, it won't work." My self-hatred had me in dirty clothes, unkempt face, messy hair, drinking and using drugs, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes like there was no tomorrow. By anyone's standards, I was an unhealthy mess.

At 26 moved into a house, with a trans roommate, and little by little I began decorating my room. I discovered a new-found joy, my room there that had become, before I knew it, beautiful and gloriously feminine. Somehow I passed it off as "I like femininity, so why wouldn't I surround myself with it?". Well, that was the last straw. I discovered something that gave me the push I needed. Now, don't laugh, everyone, but to be painfully honest it was the TV show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Something blissfully sincere was packed inside, and after two or three days, I watched three seasons of it. I found myself on my bed, deep in thought, and asked myself "Am I... transgender? Am I not fooling myself by saying this? Is this really possible?" Long story short, I looked at my whole life then, from 2 years old onward, and it was like all the pieces of my identity puzzle fell into place. I thought about all the fears and worries of what it would mean to transition, and I came up with what's my motto: "I have to live life genuinely." I tearfully accepted myself, and felt the largest burden fall right off my back.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 02, 2013, 08:04:27 PM
>constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous<
I have all of these right at this very moment.  My first GT appointment is tomorrow at 9am.

Yes!!!!!   Congrads!

Hugs,

Jen

For me, it was just that my dysphoria kept coming back worse and worse each time, then when I felt I might be ready to consider it, I had to wait so long to get a helpful professional that I became desperate and I realized this was something I had to do.  When someone played gatekeeper on me when I was at the point of being ready, it nearly destroyed me.  There was no going back after that. :'(

I was the designated driver at my wife's girls night out, they were all drunk and laughing, dancing and having fun and I felt like I was sinking into the ground. I never so much in my life wanted to disappear. I couldn't drink so I was forced to endure all of the feelings of self hatred and jealousy. I felt so low but still managed to screw a smile on like ussual. In one of the bars we hopped to I had what I believe to be an anxiety attack.. my thoughts were racing and I felt like my heart and head were about to explode. When we got home I came out to my wife

I think I've talked about it before...

I've was closeted for 15-20 years. Last year my doctor gave me a type II diabetes diagnosis, but it wasn't something I couldn't reverse. I tried my hardest and lost 10 lbs and kept it off for about a year, but it wasn't enough.

Meanwhile, my dysphoria was getting stronger. I needed more and more out of my daily coping mechanisms (transgender transformation stories and images) to stay non-dysphoric and closeted. That didn't affect daily life too much until my wife and I tried to have a 4th kid. That requires abstinence for about one week a month... which absolutely destroyed me with dysphoria. I took hops (not the pills... the actual bitter pellets used for brewing) for the week after one of these dysphoria events -- the coping required just hit that exponential break point.

That settled down for the rest of the month until the next try came. That's when I broke... I realized I needed to fix my weight and health problems and I realized I had this humongous gender issue that was clearly a lot more than just a fetish. When it came time to try again, I told my wife about my problem. I did that three days in a row -- the first day she claimed she didn't hear me; the second day she thought it was a joke or just playing; the third day she broke down... I was fully out of the closet to myself and the woman I love more than anything in the world.

Sometimes you don't get a choice at what you want. You just hit that breaking point and are forced to turn your life upside-down. I feel that I am better for it, but my family will be in turmoil for a long time to come.

I also did a lot of apologizing early on. I'm no longer apologetic ~ yes, I'm sorry it happened; yes I'm at the center of it; but I didn't cause the problem. I cannot apologize for who and what I am by birth. I cannot apologize for society's immense pressure keeping me from being true to myself.

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 04, 2013, 05:43:56 AM
My self-hatred had me in dirty clothes, unkempt face, messy hair, drinking and using drugs, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes like there was no tomorrow. By anyone's standards, I was an unhealthy mess.

Ouch.  That statement really hits home for me.  I stopped the drink & other drugs in the 90s, but everything else rings true until this past year.

My breaking point ?

I knew when I was 5 that I wanted to be a girl.  Even before puberty hit I was fantasizing about it.  This increased with puberty & continued into my 20s, 30s, & 40s ...

I somehow managed to convince myself that these were only fantasies and that I had no desire for any of these fantasies to actually become reality.  On the few occasions I would look for pron, it was always images of MtF pron once I found that in 1999 (video was too obviously fake).  Even this did not alert me to what now seems obvious.

Shortly after this time last year (13/Jan/2013 to be more precise) something inside me accepted that I wasn't going to have children of my own.  I had known this for years - my wife went through very early menopause because of all the radiation she got for cancer as a teenager.  But I hadn't really accepted it.

I didn't realise it at the time, but that acceptance was the weak link in the chains that had been doing such a thorough job of locking down my 'inner child' - the 5-year-old who wanted to be a girl.

That was my first breaking point.  The one where I knew I had to do something.

Within a week:
I purchased some women's clothing for the first time (corsets - imagine that);
I found out (very little) about & bought some herbs with which to feminize myself;
My "inner child" woke up really pissed off at having been locked up for 38 years & forcefully introduced herself (in a vivid dream) as Tessa Marie;
I took way too many of those herbs (all of which seem to reduce blood pressure to some extent) and within 2 days my blood pressure dropped so low that I collapsed & became unresponsive for several minutes.  I came to with my wife crying hysterically on the phone to Rescue.  The EMTs arrived a few minutes later.  My blood pressure was up to 90/60 about 10 mins after I came to.

My second breaking point was the result of these three happening simultaneously:
[1] Finding myself in the ER as a direct result of my own actions.
[2] Listening to the doctors & my wife fret for hours over what might have caused my sudden drop in blood pressure.
[3] Realising that I had very much not been in control of what I had been doing.

That was Sunday 20/Jan/2013. 

My second breaking point was the realisation that I could not keep hiding from the desire to be female anymore.  That I had to see someone about it & at least talk it through. 

This was when I had to really face my fears.  Talking to someone about it meant telling someone about it.  My wife is my closest friend and confidant.  She is also the breadwinner since I lost my job a few years ago.  Everything that followed from that moment would be dependant upon whether or not she was going to order me out of the house.

Once I got home from the ER, I went upstairs to my wife who had collapsed into bed after the stress, worry & anxiety of not knowing what had caused her husband to collapse.  I quietly told her I needed to talk with her and that I would wait for her in the kitchen.  Something in my tone penetrated her exhaustion and prompted her to take my request very seriously.  She came downstairs.  I told her that I had wanted to be a girl since I was at most 5 (I remember the day vividly & I described it to her).  I told her that those feelings had not left; had never left; that they were getting stronger.  I told her I wasn't able to fight them off them any longer.  I was beaten.

She wanted to rage, to scream, to yell at me in anger for doing this to her.  But I looked so terrified, so vulnerable, that she couldn't bring herself to explode at me.  She had never seen me that scared.  So she listened.  And at the end she held me and told me we would face this together.

I still do not know if our marriage will survive.  In January 2013 she said SRS meant divorce & that she couldn't see herself ever being able to stomach sharing a bed with boobs that weren't hers.  No surgeries are being contemplated, but she has become used to the extra boobs in her bed.  On New Year's Eve she even insisted I reserve our hotel rooms for this year's Keystone TG Conference because she enjoyed last year so much.  For now, we are still together.  For now is good.

I wasn't expecting writing this to be so difficult.  Tears of painful memory.  Tears of joyful gratitude.  It has been an interesting year.

Quote from: TessaMarie

I wasn't expecting writing this to be so difficult.  Tears of painful memory.  Tears of joyful gratitude.  It has been an interesting year.

From one Tessa to another; Girl you have been thru some tough stuff and it is an honor to be sharing this ride with you.  Yes, from fantasy to finally feminine is a major journey in a years time?

Thanks for sharing your heartfelt storyline.

Your story hit on some points for me and I am glad that your wife is still with you. I hope that continues to work. It seems you are one who will survive the odds.

Watching transition timelines on YouTube was my breakthrough. I had always been under the impression that hormonal feminization was relatively ineffective. Seeing the phenomenal results people achieved forced me to face the reality that it is possible.

I haven't started HRT yet (I hope to within the next year or two, I want to do it as soon as possible but there are some personal things stopping me) but I can easily say that the last straw was just a few days ago, actually. Since I was 10, I always had fantasies of myself as a female, but I didn't think it was plausible at all. At 14, I started to see ways that people could change gender, but I considered them way too expensive. It wasn't until 16 that I came across information about HRT and its prices that gave me the little push I needed into fully exploring it. I have a few friends who are very knowledgeable on this subject as well. That's why I joined this forum, to learn everything I can about it to make sure I'm prepared when the time comes.

As for what caused it? Well, I hang out with female friends and I'm quite feminine in the way I act (as well as some of my facial features), and I feel extremely uncomfortable and disconnected in my body. It all just feels very weird to me, very unnatural. I feel so different on the inside than on the outside. I'm absolutely a female at heart, a female in my soul and I can't wait to make that change on the outside. One of the last straws was hearing my crush tell me that he won't date me because he's not gay, and he doesn't want to date a male (among the other legions of guys who have said this to me before). Part of me wants to become a much more beautiful woman than anyone they will ever date, the most desirable gem people will ever see, and part of me wants to finally be able to date the people I want because I will BE the person I want. It's not just dating either. I'd appreciate myself more as a female, my body, my appearance, everything. I hold my personality back from people because of my gender, because of how uncomfortable I always feel. I'd be so much more happy, positive, bubbly and sweet, my true personality, if my outside reflected my inside, and going to therapy/taking HRT is my first step. It's just seriously too exciting and I'm anxious to start HRT but there's just that one personal thing holding me back and it sucks because I just have to wait :( It's gonna suck in the next few years as I start looking more masculine, and trying to hide it. But I know I can get through this. You are all so beautiful inside and out and I can't wait to get advice and take this journey with you all <3

What was the last straw for me? My son's wedding. I had been presenting as more feminine for a number of years in both my dress and appearance with light make-up. Slightly more and more as time would pass. Always earrings and longer hair. On weekends, I'd always do my nails. My wife was somewhat accepting of this, but would sometime be passive-aggressive with her comments, telling me that I looked 'gay'. That in itself was hurtful, but I just shrugged it off.
I go to my psychiatrist quarterly and had been wanting to talk to him the past two times about my gender issues the past two times, but just either lacked the courage or ran out of time. Saying those words then seemed so hard. I had wanted to talk to him about transitioning as I felt I was ready.
My son is a Wall Street boy, working for a hedge fund. He had a really nice wedding outside of where he lives, paid more for port-o-lets than most people pay for their entire weddings. When we got there, he didn't even tell me hello, just told me the hair had to go. The next day, won't even allow me inside the house until the earrings came out. In essence, my look didn't fit the look that he wanted to present. I had to change who I was, my inner being to suit who would be there. It totally nauseated me to the point of almost leaving. Bigotry to the Nth degree. Not accepting me for me, as though I were a total embarrassment and my worth as a being did not exist solely based on my appearance. A pretty shallow perception for such an educated crowd.
When I got back home, as soon as I saw my shrink next, we talked. By then I did have the courage to say those magical words and the burden has seemingly been lifted. His words were encouraging and from there he sent me to start HRT.
I'm only a few months in now, but I'm so much happier. And life is so much better.

When looking at my small Gynamastia breasts and thinking to my self how much I loved them .and Wanting them to grow and grow and wanting the rest of me to match the feeling of femininity that having these Boobs gave Me.I realised that I would never ever be happy with my body as it was .It's so scary thinking of the consiquences and repercussions but I am coming to the conclusion that not doing it will be so much worse than not being able to be my true self

Hugs
Anita B

Last Summer I watched Jessica Tiffany's vlog on youtube and saw similarities that made me realize that yes I likely am transgendered (I guess that wanting to find someone that could change me into a woman "against my will" or wishing that they could do brain transplants and cloning so I could have my brain put into a female version of my body wasn't clues enough).

When I started feeling suicidal at the thought of not being able to transition pushed it from I really want this to I think I really need this.

I think it was part me being admitted over the summer (2012-2013) to a psychward for severe depression and my collegeyear the next year failing completely and leaving me with lots of time on my hands.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 02, 2013, 02:10:16 AM
My Dysphoria went into overdrive with things like a constant ringing in my ears, high blood pressure, nervousness that was ridiculous, etc. After I picked up the phone and made my first therapy appointment it started to subside. After a week of HRT it was gone. 40 years of ignoring what my body and mind was telling me as to who I am gone with the right hormone in my body. Life looks really good right now and I have human emotions for the first time in my life. Like they say, you go from black and white to "Wizard of Oz" color.  :)

Over the last few weeks I have also experienced similar symptoms, and a few more. My dysphoria has made me feel physically sick. Imagine the physical reaction from learning that a close love one has died. That is exactly how I have felt with my dysphoria. I have felt that way many times in my life, but I was always able to eventually bury it. But this time, I just couldn't kill it no matter what I did. I made the decision on Sunday that I had to be on hormones. I expect that to happen in just a couple of weeks. More than even the physical aspects, I am hoping that they will bring the peace of mind that they have brought you.

April

The last straw I guess is when I had my car in cruise control at about 60 MPH on I95 going to work. A tractor trailer stayed on 95 as I exited to vine street expressway. At the last moment prior to the median separating the to paths the tractor trailer made a sharp turn and started breaking. I continued straight and thought I would hit between the tractor fuel tank and wheel. I drive a very small car. Some how the tractor was able to slow enough and I just missed it, not  by avoidance, by the other drivers actions.

The scary point was this was the second time in two days I tempted fate. I was surprised I did not die. I was driving on Vine street thinking the 10 seconds during the event I felt complete calm and no pain. It felt good, better than good, it felt right. I was in so much mental and physical stress ( not sleeping, not eating, feeling sick and migraines and headaches) from denying and living a lie I either was going to kill myself or get help. That morning I called Mazzoni. Oh, I kept a promise that morning to a 5 year old, I will be true to you.

I am truly sorry for endangering that TT driver and the one from the day before. I was being selfish and endangering their lives. I promised myself not to do that again.

I guess I had several last straws, so the very last one is difficult to identify. But the last part of the story goes something like this:

From the age of around 15-16 to 28-29, I completely repressed my gender identity, and it just surfaced in what I thought of as "weak moments" that were "just weird ideas". But it resurfaced fully when my amount of body hair increased drastically by my late twenties. I also had increasingly frequent nightmares where I came out as trans.

Then last fall, I had a complete breakdown due to a girl turning me down. I am hopeless with dating; a friend told me years ago it is because I act like a girl when I have a crush. The heartbreak combined with general disappointment about where I am in my life made me suicidal, and I was very close to ending it on one occasion.

I managed to hang on, but suddenly, I noticed my "trans nightmares" were turning into good dreams, and instead of being relieved when I woke up and realized I had been dreaming, I felt horrible. I woke up feeling like I had come out as my true self, then realized I had not.

So I'm not sure which is the last straw - the breakdown or the dreams, or perhaps one or both caused the/each other. In either case, I had accepted myself and decided to transition within weeks after those events.

Quote from: Kaitlin4475 on December 23, 2013, 12:29:56 PM
I was the designated driver at my wife's girls night out, they were all drunk and laughing, dancing and having fun and I felt like I was sinking into the ground. I never so much in my life wanted to disappear. I couldn't drink so I was forced to endure all of the feelings of self hatred and jealousy. I felt so low but still managed to screw a smile on like ussual. In one of the bars we hopped to I had what I believe to be an anxiety attack.. my thoughts were racing and I felt like my heart and head were about to explode. When we got home I came out to my wife

I can so relate. Some of the most depressing moments in my life have involved watching women, just enjoying themselves as women.

Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 04, 2013, 05:43:56 AM
I became aware of being transgender around 15, but passed it off as a fantasy - and every day the real me would cry out for me to recognize it. Since then it became harder and harder for me to put on the mask, and I deep inside I was miserable to only be alive in my mind, with my body "following the motions". at 25 years old I befriended a few girls that are transgender and learned what that word really means. My thoughts of "this me is only what I keep inside, I must hide and protect it" evolved into "I would but there's no way this ugly male body will ever be beautiful, it won't work." My self-hatred had me in dirty clothes, unkempt face, messy hair, drinking and using drugs, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes like there was no tomorrow. By anyone's standards, I was an unhealthy mess.

At 26 moved into a house, with a trans roommate, and little by little I began decorating my room. I discovered a new-found joy, my room there that had become, before I knew it, beautiful and gloriously feminine. Somehow I passed it off as "I like femininity, so why wouldn't I surround myself with it?". Well, that was the last straw. I discovered something that gave me the push I needed. Now, don't laugh, everyone, but to be painfully honest it was the TV show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Something blissfully sincere was packed inside, and after two or three days, I watched three seasons of it. I found myself on my bed, deep in thought, and asked myself "Am I... transgender? Am I not fooling myself by saying this? Is this really possible?" Long story short, I looked at my whole life then, from 2 years old onward, and it was like all the pieces of my identity puzzle fell into place. I thought about all the fears and worries of what it would mean to transition, and I came up with what's my motto: "I have to live life genuinely." I tearfully accepted myself, and felt the largest burden fall right off my back.

Very moving story Andrea, I can relate with you soooo much about your life!

I havent posted here yet :/

My last sraw was when I went to college...
watching all the  girls there being genuinely happy and realising I was looking nothing like them ...made me really sad
hanging out with them was always  fun...yet when I was with other guys the only thing they would talk about is which girl has the biggest breasts etc ...

So in college my body dysphoria and the feeling that I dont belong grew stronger , I literally couldnt take it anymore :/ ...
so I decided to quit and start transitioning , so I can go back the way I was meant to be...

For me it wasn't a straw which broke, rather a person who inspired me.

I started feeling like I was in the wrong body when I was about 13 and these feelings grew and grew. By the time I was 15 I knew that I wanted to be a woman, that I was stuck in the wrong body but I was bullied a lot at school and I never saw my family because they were always working. I didn't have the courage to speak up because I was afraid of my family rejecting me and what friends I had at that point abandoning me leaving me totally alone.

In the last couple of years it came out that someone really close to me has really been in a terrible situation for a very long time. More than anyone should have to and she's striving onwards and making a life for herself. I thought that if she has that kind of courage then maybe I can have the courage to try and be the person I am on the inside.

Sorry if I'm rambling XD I'm new to posting on forums.

The last straw for me was kind of dramatic. I knew from my childhood that I was trans, but for one reason or another had convinced myself that I couldn't transition at that point in time. I guess the idea that I could do it later kept me grounded to some extent, but I was pretty miserable all the same. Then I got married. Three weeks later I had a nervous breakdown. It was pretty horrible. I loved my wife, but I am a heterosexual woman and the idea of having promised to live the rest of my life as a heterosexual man was too much for me to deal with.

Quote from: BecomingDev88 on June 13, 2013, 11:42:25 AM
I'm curious, what was the last straw for all of you that made you realize that transition was not an option to consider but a necessity?

This question deserves a complicated answer, but I'm feeling waaay to lazy to write an epic biography at the moment. So, the short answer is my girlfriend of two years dumped me and moved out, citing that she wasn't looking to be the man of the relationship (ironic phrasing, considering at that point she had no idea that I've been struggling with my gender as long as I can remember), then 10 days later my downstairs neighbor fell asleep while smoking and using an oxygen machine, and I woke up to discover my bedroom walls were in flames. Everyone thankfully made it safely out of the house, including my pets, but the house itself was a total loss. And, shock and depression set in pretty quickly and pretty strongly. And, while wallowing in that mire I realized that life's too short to not be who you are and that I'm never truly going to find lasting personal happiness until I'm honest with both myself and the world around me.