Susan's Place Transgender Resources

i've just been feeling down lately, about the fact that i have no friends and haven't since i was in about 5th grade, never really had any since since everyone in middle/high school sensened there was something different about me. it's been getting to me lately, especially not having any home girls  :(  is there anyone here who has had any simular experiences? it would just be nice to know i'm not the only one

I know how you feel. It's very hard for me to make any friends. It's been something that I'm actually trying to do. I meet people at support group, but it's not like they are really "friends" and everyone is so flighty. It feels very isolating. It's been really dragging me down the last month or so. There are some incredible people here that I would love to meet IRL! But yeah, you're not the only one.

i know, i'm the same way, i just wish i had people to hangout with but i never leave the house except with my boyfriend. when he goes home after staying with me, i get so lonely and i feel bad that i rely so much on him,  :embarrassed: just when he stays, it's so nice to have someone to talk to

I have actually met a couple of my now real good friends on this site. One of them had some of the issues you are talking about. She is now much more outgoing, and sociable. She said that being around someone who is extroverted like myself helped her. What I am getting at is, if you can find at least one person who is an extrovert to hang out with occasionally, you might be able to get out of your shell a bit. Just a thought.

i consider myself a outgoing person, i'm just not good at approaching people because i feel awkward and i'm not good at saying the first word.

Quote from: latoya fox on January 15, 2014, 12:27:07 AM
i consider myself a outgoing person, i'm just not good at approaching people because i feel awkward and i'm not good at saying the first word.

That's where someone like me comes in handy. I have no issues saying the first, last, and every word in the middle.  ;D

Does your boyfriend have any friends? If so, maybe you two could double date with some of his friends.

he does, i actually went to school with his bestfriend, but i cannot stand that guy, he's everything i don't like in a person, a womanizer, a chauvinist pig, and he just has zero respect for women so i have no respect for him, i haven't met his friends, because i don't feel like they would be people i would hang out with, i did meet his father though and i talk to his sister on fb ocassionally

Quote from: latoya fox on January 15, 2014, 12:40:39 AM
he does, i actually went to school with his bestfriend, but i cannot stand that guy, he's everything i don't like in a person, a womanizer, a chauvinist pig, and he just has zero respect for women so i have no respect for him, i haven't met his friends, because i don't feel like they would be people i would hang out with, i did meet his father though and i talk to his sister on fb ocassionally

The reason I suggested going on double dates is to give you the chance to meet their dates. You might get along with them, and then be able to build a friendship. It's just a thought. Although, it sounds like you should stay away from that one guy. He sounds horrible.

I get it all the time, as a fulltime single parent in a rural town. I build friendships with women really easy, but their partners think I am hitting on them... which is just stupid. I think in all my life I have had three male friends, but I could not relate to them once I turned 14-16 as they were pure hormones and just rude to people, now I am 35 it has not changed I still have no male friends (is that weird?). So I spend my days alone which really hurts. But I hide it so my kids do not feel upset, especially my son, he is super empathic like me and knows straight away.

Quote from: latoya fox on January 15, 2014, 12:14:03 AM
i know, i'm the same way, i just wish i had people to hangout with but i never leave the house except with my boyfriend. when he goes home after staying with me, i get so lonely and i feel bad that i rely so much on him,  :embarrassed: just when he stays, it's so nice to have someone to talk to

I live with my girlfriend and it is still lonely. The thing is that when we talk it's always very deep. We don't just hang out. I don't always want to talk about "us" and of course it's almost impossible to talk about her  to her. And of course she is not dealing with the same issues that I am, at least not in the same way. Of course I am an issue to her.

Hi,

Im 66  and  do know what its like,  Never really had friends  at any of 4 schools i went to. was it because i was different in some ways yes in others no.  put it this way i never had close friends to go out with,

A few later on when i was working though still very few, knowing your a loner helped me because i did many different things through out my life  yes many people around just a hand full of friends,

Now its very different many friends most are women like myself and a few men as well though thats surprising .  One detail is joining many groups  with ours our membership is over 1000 people and i work with and get on well with age can come acceptance for most its not who's got the best or most or largest ,
its about being close to talking about things that interest those involved , for us its about familes work and what we are wearing for our groups, or doing, you have to get out there join in be part of and bacome a member , if you stand out side looking in then dont expect to have friends they cant get to know you while your on the out side, you  wont acceptance then join a group or two and be involved,

I have done it im very well accepted and yes if you like in the inner circle ,
You just have to put yourself out there, iv done it in all our groups and im in charge of much of what we do .

I spent much of my life keeping away from males unless thier wifes were with them i have my really close friends and can talk about any thing , its about trust i go over sea's and i make friends very easerly  because i take the time to get to know others and spend time with them ,

you may not think this from what iv said , im was shy an introvert hated being around people  could not get two lines togeter and explain things to others dyslixca is an issue and a major one for myself in lots of ways, my issues have not gone away i just skirt around them, , yes well i try......

After you been interviewed for TV talked to many 100's of people and and cant read from notes or essays  you do it all from memory some 2000 and more word essay's each group you do a new essay ,

youd say i dont have issues,  well some 20 years ago had i been asked to stand in front of large groups of people i would have walked away and said a very strong ....NO.... i know what its like being on the outer .and no real friends other than my few close friends,

...noeleena...

I never had any friends because I didn't want to do anything male and esepcially when I got into my teens and then working and then once I had my own place I just wanted to be female and that made me decline any overtures about socialising.
Once I transitioned and could be myself I started with friends and its very nice arranging shopping trips, lunches, sports with other women.

I never had any friends either. Guys detected something.... off.... about me and avoided me, and girls thought that I was a guy and only wanted to date me, until they too figured out that there was something.... off... about me. I know now what the "off" thing was  :laugh:

As a result of being rejected for all of my life I finally just gave up, went into my shell, and socially isolated myself for many, many years. I decided that I just didn't need any friends and I would do without them. I went to work each day and came home at night and that's about it.

Now that I'm transitioning I've found that Eva is quite the social butterfly (who knew?), and I really enjoy meeting people and being social. Just sitting around every night with nothing to do will not cut it anymore.

So how am I going about forming a new social life and meeting people? In a word - involvement. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but I'm involving myself activities that interest me, and by doing so I'm making social connections and I'm meeting all kinds of new, cool people. I know that some deeper friendships will eventually evolve from me doing that, and in the meantime I'm staying quite busy.

It is said that personal growth only happens past the end of your comfort zone, so in order to grow you must get used to the idea of being uncomfortable.

It's the very same thing that noeleena mentioned - she said that she was very uncomfortable giving speeches but she went ahead and did it anyway, and she made friends as a result of doing that. By putting yourself out there and getting involved in things you like and perhaps making yourself feel uncomfortable along the way you'll meet others that have similar interests. This gives you something in common to start forming a friendship with these people that you meet.

I'm very lonely too. My roommate, besides being a guy, rarely talks, and I don't really have any close girlfriends; my two closest friends are non-binary (and even then, since they're dating, I feel like they're not as close to me as they were.) I feel like I'm just tagging along when I'm with any of my other friends.

I consider myself introverted; I could spend hours pouring over data and my spreadsheets, writing, reading, but in the end of the day I really just want someone to hang out with for a while, have at least one person to be there whenever I need them. So far, at least IRL, I haven't found this.

it doesn't matter how many people you're around lonliness is a condition of the mind. Plus if maybe it's not being trans that sets people off, it's negativity. I notice a lot of people blame everything on eing trans but no one usually knows so how could that be? Really to make friends be happy. That's it. People like happy people. Not trying to upset peeps, just help. If you're transitioning, this will be harder and might be transness then. But I have more friends now then since 2008 when I had a couple good friends so being trans isn't hurting but also I blend very well so peeps don't stare so I imagine that helps. And my BF is an extro vert so that helps too.

I know how you feel.  Outside of the internet, I can probably count the number of *good* friends (and not just associates) I've had throughout my life with less than 5 fingers.  Even on the internet, I find it hard to make friends.

Quote from: Malachite on January 15, 2014, 08:45:15 AMI know how you feel.  Outside of the internet, I can probably count the number of *good* friends (and not just associates) I've had throughout my life with less than 5 fingers.  Even on the internet, I find it hard to make friends.

You have me as a friend :)
Don't forget, we're having a pizza party if we ever meet up :D

yea, loniness

Quote from: Willow on January 15, 2014, 09:24:40 AM
You have me as a friend :)
Don't forget, we're having a pizza party if we ever meet up :D

That's true!  I could go for one right now.   ;D

just glad i'm not the only one who feels this way, thank you ladies.

Quote from: Malachite on January 15, 2014, 09:43:13 AMThat's true!  I could go for one right now.   ;D

Maybe tonight, I'm full from breakfast (shouldn't be, only had a cup of coffee, a glass of milk, and a bagel) so until then ;)

Quote from: latoya fox on January 15, 2014, 09:45:26 AMjust glad i'm not the only one who feels this way, thank you ladies.

If I lived near you, I think we could totally hang at the mall or something. I need to get my brows waxed anyways, why not do it and then shop?

an old fashioned greasy restaurant pizza. sounds great

I wish there was a way to lift all those feelings off your shoulders.  And not just you, but all the girls who've opened up in this tread.  Building friendships and not pushing away those who've started to become friends is incredibly difficult.  Id say at least 80% of us are introverts, and we build self issolated lives as a way to avoid close friendships.  We don't want others to know our secrets, and yet we don't realize those potential close friends may be feeling issolated also.  They may not be trans, or gay, or bi ... but they're probably alone.

Last year there were a few girls on Susan's who got together out on the west coast in Portland or Seattle or someplace (?).  Not sure axactly how it worked out, but I actually think it'd be nice to get a small group of girls from Susan's together for a lunch or dinner.  Maybe some of the members here should plan something like that again.

Anyway, I'm going to an issolated area of Michigan on Friday, and it's a bit scarry to leave the girls I made friends with behind.  Especially the girls in the therapy groups because our dinners after group sessions are filled with wonderful, open, and girly kinds of talk about our lives, transitions, and bodies.  And now I'm going to look once again for the same types of friendships in a little place called Houghton, and God is that gonna be difficult.   :P

Quote from: stephaniec on January 15, 2014, 09:56:54 AMan old fashioned greasy restaurant pizza. sounds great

The one pizza I had in New York (in JFK's Terminal 8) was just how I thought it would be; big, floppy, kinda burnt on the bottom, and some greasy cheese.

I actually enjoyed the one Chicago style pizza I had in Lansing over the one in Chicago :D
Could have been because Gino's East was mega busy that night.

Quote from: kathyk on January 15, 2014, 10:02:49 AMAnyway, I'm going to an issolated area of Michigan on Friday, and it's a bit scarry to leave the girls I made friends with behind.  Especially the girls in the therapy groups because our dinners after group sessions are filled with wonderful, open, and girly kinds of talk about our lives, transitions, and bodies.  And now I'm going to look once again for the same types of friendships in a little place called Houghton, and God is that gonna be difficult.   :P

Have fun in the UP. Or whatever fun you can have. If you end up going to Winter Carnival next month, take pictures!

Don't forget, you have me nearby, born to a family of Yoopers, so I'm not so far :)

Being lonely is not a conditon unique to trans people. So, the answer to it always lies with yourself. Sometimes its easy to correct your own behaviour and other times its difficult. I moved when I transitioned and did not have one single friend. I have made a number of friends, all cis sexual females, it is not hard for me but I also went out of my way to engage people.

My point is that there is no need to be lonely if you dont want to be. But if you intentionally isolate yourself then you likely will be. This is an issue of personality and our situation can emphasize this issue. But like may things with some effort it can be overcome.

So yes, I know how you feel and have had that feeling myself. But no, it is not something that naturally goes along with being trans and not all trans people feel that way.

Quote from: Willow on January 15, 2014, 10:06:14 AM
The one pizza I had in New York (in JFK's Terminal 8) was just how I thought it would be; big, floppy, kinda burnt on the bottom, and some greasy cheese.

I actually enjoyed the one Chicago style pizza I had in Lansing over the one in Chicago :D
Could have been because Gino's East was mega busy that night.Have fun in the UP. Or whatever fun you can have. If you end up going to Winter Carnival next month, take pictures!

Don't forget, you have me nearby, born to a family of Yoopers, so I'm not so far :)

Lauries  pizza in Chicago is possibly the best greasy pizza around been at the same spot for at least 60 years.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 15, 2014, 10:25:52 AMLauries  pizza in Chicago is possibly the best greasy pizza around been at the same spot for at least 60 years.

I'll keep that in mind for next time I visit Chicago.

I am only a loner because that is what others decided I should be.
The way I see it, they were judging themselves unworthy to be my friends.
Where then does the pain really come from? From being alone? Or from forgiving and loving those who reject me?
Perhaps both.

i agree trisha. people in my town are rude and close minded so i get treated like "the town tr***y" so i try to stay away from them