Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Now, by wife, I'm not really specifying gender. Just someone who did a lot of the wife like stuff. Someone there to greet you when you come home. Hear about your day. Somebody that picked up after you. Cooked for you. Helped you dress. Shower. Somebody to care that your back hurt. Rub anything that hurts. Care when you're sick. Somebody who loves you unconditionally. Understands and accepts you. Always there. Does everything for you.

His word was 'house bitch'. To me, it feels like the loss of a wife. And honestly, looking after myself sucks! Sure, my mom comes over and cleans. Cooks sometimes. But it's not the same. They say men suffer more after the death of a spouse, a divorce. And I believe it. I have been completely lost these years without mine.
I don't know if I'll ever have this again. Or if my next 'wife' will be male or female. But god, I miss mine. Now, I'm grieving now. Nobody hate on me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phfflwsiOGw

Quote from: FA on April 22, 2014, 08:48:21 PM
His word was 'house bitch'.

Just had to point this out because everything in this message was so pure and sweet, and then this, lol.

In all seriousness though, I'm sorry. *hugs* I don't know how long ago this happened, but I do know from my grandma and others who have lost their spouse that it's always there with you to some extent. Whoever you end up with next, if you choose to do so, I'm sure will take care of you and treat you well if they're worth it.

So sorry FA!  :icon_hug:

I made several runs where the spouse died and soon after (sometimes minutes) the other passed as well. I think you had that kind of bond as well, but I for one am still glad you are with us even though it hurts. :) You do a lot more than people give you credit for and I have been remiss in showing you that. I am sorry.  :(

I have never been married, but in a way, I can empathize.  I have never heard that saying that men would suffer more because of that, but I certainly agree.  I know that if I ever get married, and my spouse dies, I would likely want to follow right behind her because I wouldn't want to be left alone to take care of myself.  If she divorced me then I would bawl my eyes out everday probably.  Anyways, I feel your pain. -hugs-

FA,
I was the house bitch in my marriage, only I earned the money to pay the bills too.  She ditched me because I am a girl.  It is twisted I know, but I cry over the loss every day.  Losing a love never really heals, but I hope you find solace in that you help a huge community with the work you do here.  Take care of yourself, and it is OK even for men to feel pain and loss.
Julie

thanks everybody. We never married. But he was everything to me. And really did play like a wife role most the time. And it's the little stuff - like someone there helping me dress. Cooking and everything. When I worked an outside job, it was hell. Because he's not there to come home to. That's when I miss him the most. I come home, have something to share... It hasn't been easy. And when you're used to doing all these things with someone. And having that kind of closeness. hell someone putting your socks on for you!
Really sucks getting off work - and you don't have that joy anymore. Cause they're not waiting for you. Drives me to drink.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjx-T7_CGQA

I've lived by myself for ages, I'm fairly independent and self sufficient, but you're right, having to look after yourself (and by implication, not having someone to look after) does suck big time!

I don't know what to do. I became a drunk the day this happened. I really didn't care to drink before that day. The irony is that I am doing exactly what my father-in-law* (again, never really married but) did. The wife died. The family fell apart. My man's dad became a drunk. My father-in-law, collapsed while pumping gas shortly after my partner died. Just died right there. Like grief overcame him. Shortly after that, the cousin overdosed. We lived for a time with him and he did so many drugs - how did this happen just then? I think they died cause he did. Their deaths after the fact hit me pretty hard. I mean, my partner and my two closest relatives to him?

<sigh> my haters on facebook will probably use this against me. But if they're that cruel...

Honestly, i'm not ok and i don't know if I will be ok. Will I ever not be a drunk? Maybe i'm just broken like my father-in-law. If the mother in law i never knew had eyes like my partner, i don't blame him. You just don't get over eyes like that. They were amber. Gold. Black lashes.

I understand.

The worse time in the world is comming home to the big empty.  I never knew nothing could hit so hard.

I decided to remember that which was good and honor the love we shared.  It was 11 years for me.  I burried my self in school and work.   I asked a friend once how long it would take to heal, he said "Until I meet somone to love again."  I wanted to hit him.  But he was half right.  Meeting someone helped, a lot.  But I still miss her sometimes.

Hugs (and tears),

Jen

I can't begin to imagine.  I'm so sorry to hear, FA.  I really admire you for still being here after that.  I don't know if I could deal at all.  This is all a testament to the strength of your character that I don't even know that you are aware of.

I wish I could suffer more for you so you could suffer less.  I really would.  You're such a great guy and you deserve so much more than you got.  The future WILL be better for you.  I know this.

Big hugs, and I'm always here for you.  You know that, right?

Love,
Jill

Quote from: Jill F on April 22, 2014, 10:13:20 PM
I can't begin to imagine.  I'm so sorry to hear, FA.  I really admire you for still being here after that.  I don't know if I could deal at all.  This is all a testament to the strength of your character that I don't even know that you are aware of.

I wish I could suffer more for you so you could suffer less.  I really would.  You're such a great guy and you deserve so much more than you got.  The future WILL be better for you.  I know this.

Big hugs, and I'm always here for you.  You know that, right?

Love,
Jill

Aww thanks sweetie. But I really didn't handle it well. If I hadn't been pouring alcohol down my throat the whole time at the hospital. For 12 days. And at the funeral. It was vanilla smirnoff at the funeral. In my throat. At the gravesite. I'll never forget that taste as long as I live.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm turning into his father. Drunk, grieving widower. Whose heart will finally give out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLntFKtR66g

The 10th of May will be one year since I got the 3:30AM phone call from a hospital you never, ever want to get.. The call to tell me that my partner had died.

My life has not and will not ever be the same. In some ways, we were both the wife. But as her health deteriorated, I became the the carer.

I miss her.

Sorry you're going thru this FA :(

I've lost my parents awhile ago now and witnessed this firsthand.

My mom was my dad's whole world, like seriously. He had tons of brothers and sisters, lots of people who he was friends with, me and my brother, (along with 4 other children but that's a whole nother story.....), but my mom was his world, best I can put it.

She was like 56 or something like that when she died of cancer, he was like 75 or something (yes big age diff). He was damn healthy at 75, still working a few hours a day, 7 days a week, looked way younger than his age and able to do everything he always could still.

After she died he just sorta lost the will to live I'd say. He became horribly depressed (understandably after losing someone) but this depression continued with him until the day he died, about 5 years later, while at work.

My brother and I would try to get him out of the house all the time to try to cheer him up. We tried to get him to go bowling (he bowled forever on a league), Red Wings games (think we even got playoff tickets), Tigers games, Lions games etc, all of which he watched on T.V. the whole time he was awake and not at work at this point, but he wouldn't go. Basically, the only place he would go to was this little restuarant a few blocks from the house 2x a day to eat and all he did was work a few hours in the A.M. and watch whatever sports that were on until it was time to sleep and repeat.

I know everyone says losing a child is the hardest/worst thing in the world but after seeing this and thinking about it, I think losing a SO, wife or husband or partner that you've spent a huge portion of your life with, would be worse, for me at least (biased because don't have kids though).

If it helps with your alcohol problems FA, send me all your booze; I GUESS I'll take one for the team and drink it, just for you ofc  ;) ...

On a serious note, the only thing you can really do is make him proud and live a long, healthy, fulfilling life until you meet again. That's what he would want.

Take care FA

Quote from: kelly_aus on April 23, 2014, 01:39:19 AM
The 10th of May will be one year since I got the 3:30AM phone call from a hospital you never, ever want to get.. The call to tell me that my partner had died.

My life has not and will not ever be the same. In some ways, we were both the wife. But as her health deteriorated, I became the the carer.

I miss her.

Aww I'm so sorry hon. It was a little different for me. He was in the hospital and my mom dragged me to get something to eat in the cafeteria. I was just sitting down to eat, thinking about he added pepper, instead of just salt. They called for us, the family of ________ on the intercom. I ran through those halls... for my life. It was too late. He was gone.
Vanilla Smirnoffs down my throat at the burial site. If I hadn't drank during the time, if I hand't something to numb the pain, I'd probably have used that rope...So, vodka probably saved my life. But now I can't get rid of it. Though I will never ever drink vanilla flavored vodka again.

The loss of a someone close to us is always very difficult to deal with

I hope you get to feeling better

Hugs

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 02:29:41 AM
Aww I'm so sorry hon. It was a little different for me. He was in the hospital and my mom dragged me to get something to eat in the cafeteria. I was just sitting down to eat, thinking about he added pepper, instead of just salt. They called for us, the family of ________ on the intercom. I ran through those halls... for my life. It was too late. He was gone.
Vanilla Smirnoffs down my throat at the burial site. If I hadn't drank during the time, if I hand't something to numb the pain, I'd probably have used that rope...So, vodka probably saved my life. But now I can't get rid of it. Though I will never ever drink vanilla flavored vodka again.

I'd packed her off in an ambulance about 90 mins prior.. I was having my first sleep in several days, didn't sleep for a while after either.

Just want to add more supportive vibes to this topic.

No words. I'm so sorry. :(

FA all I can say is I am sorry you are hurting.  Loneliness is one of the hardest emotions to deal with after you have had a special person in your life for an extended period of time.  I wish you the best and hope you realize there are so many people that care for you that you never are truly alone. Hugs

A child dies, we cry over what could have been. A partner dies, we cry over losing a part of ourselves. It hurts to lose a piece of yourself, sometimes unbearably(sp?). If you can, recall what the good stuff was and keep it in your heart, share it with the world. It is one way to let him live on through you.

FA,

I'm so sorry to read this.  I really wish I had something more helpful to say, but I really feel for you and hope you make it through this.

FA

Hugs brother!

I lost my wife to cancer 13 years ago.  These things hurt.  Bad.  My heart goes out to you.

After the worst of the pain goes away there will still be times it creeps back up on you when you least expect it.  You need to keep on going!

Please, please, please, avoid the bottle - that only makes things worse!


Erin

Hi FA, losing our loved ones is some of the worst hurt we ever experience. Beyond our grief for that person and all they mean for us, there is also the hole in our routines, and in our emotional world. This can be even harder on intraverts and on men, who tend often to find one person with whom they fulfill all of their needs for physical, emotional, and practical intimacy and companionship.
One of the main reasons why AA and NA works is because it fosters close human daily contacts and closeness. It also works because all of the steps and practices bring us closer to each other and to our higher power. Intimacy is the opposite of numbness.
Alcohol divorces us from our pain by divorcing ourselves from awareness of our own heart and the hearts of others. Slow suicide is better than instant suicide because you can stop. Please stop, to feel the love you have for others and that so many others, including me, have for you.
You had some very poor examples of manhood, which you no longer need to follow. I didn't know your wife, but he sounds like a stronger, more emotionally healthy man then the drinkers and tough guys who taught you those lies that men don't cry, men don't grieve, men don't need others except for sex and chores. Your wife was there because he loved you.

Being present, being real, daring to be kind, daring to be vulnerable, daring to not know, daring to reach out: these are the attractive and amazing attributes of the best men. You have the potential to be one of them, and to love and rejoice again.

Quote from: MadelineB on April 23, 2014, 11:38:15 AM
Hi FA, losing our loved ones is some of the worst hurt we ever experience. Beyond our grief for that person and all they mean for us, there is also the hole in our routines, and in our emotional world. This can be even harder on intraverts and on men, who tend often to find one person with whom they fulfill all of their needs for physical, emotional, and practical intimacy and companionship.
One of the main reasons why AA and NA works is because it fosters close human daily contacts and closeness. It also works because all of the steps and practices bring us closer to each other and to our higher power. Intimacy is the opposite of numbness.
Alcohol divorces us from our pain by divorcing ourselves from awareness of our own heart and the hearts of others. Slow suicide is better than instant suicide because you can stop. Please stop, to feel the love you have for others and that so many others, including me, have for you.
You had some very poor examples of manhood, which you no longer need to follow. I didn't know your wife, but he sounds like a stronger, more emotionally healthy man then the drinkers and tough guys who taught you those lies that men don't cry, men don't grieve, men don't need others except for sex and chores. Your wife was there because he loved you.

Being present, being real, daring to be kind, daring to be vulnerable, daring to not know, daring to reach out: these are the attractive and amazing attributes of the best men. You have the potential to be one of them, and to love and rejoice again.

Oh Madeline - that is just incredibly beautiful. I feel like you truly get him and me. He was such a beautiful person who went through so much early pain and experiences, including grief. I loved him the very moment I saw him. I always thought it was his looks - he was truly beautiful. 5'3, a beautiful boy with gold eyes and black hair. His hair - very thick and straight. Black with silver strands running through it. He was going prematurely gray. It reminded me of the My Little Pony I had as a kid with the silver streaks through its mane. I would bury my face in it every night as I held him. The smell of it, the feel of him. I still look for that when I'm asleep.
I was absolutely horrible to him - abusive. I beat him early in our relationship. And later I cheated on him all the time. Sometimes even in front of him. I'd drag some guy (usually some little Mexican who barely spoke English) into our bed. And just expect him to deal with it. All the time.

I had this gorgeous Mexican boy a block or two away who loved me. This lover would beg me to stay the night and hold him. I didn't know how to refuse (well, actually he bribed me with dope money to hold him). Once it was light, I made the familiar walk down the alley to my house, praying and hoping to god with every step that the one I really loved would be there waiting for me. He always was. But he will never sit on the porch waiting for me again. He will never be there waiting when I get off work. I haven't been able to and I am not sure I can bear that the rest of my life. I cheated on him all the time, but he was the only one I truly loved. Ever.

The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_VMJg7oMM

That must be difficult to live with.

It hurts me every time i hurt my guy but I keep doing it. Not physically but.

Just did last night...

I feel so guilty.

It's hard how the closer people get the more they hurt each other.... the more attached we get the more afraid we feel of having to lose it and act out as if we don't need it. That is actually a learned attachment style. At a very young age. It's sort of pathological, at least in my case.... not that that makes it any easier to live with.

But, maybe in a sort of twisted way you were expressing how much you needed him. By telling yourself (and proving to him, but really also to yourself) you didn't because it was terrifying that you did.

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 12:50:39 PM
That must be difficult to live with.

It hurts me every time i hurt my guy but I keep doing it. Not physically but.

Just did last night...

I feel so guilty.

It's hard how the closer people get the more they hurt each other.... the more attached we get the more afraid we feel of having to lose it and act out as if we don't need it. That is actually a learned attachment style. At a very young age. It's sort of pathological, at least in my case.... not that that makes it any easier to live with.

But, maybe in a sort of twisted way you were expressing how much you needed him. By telling yourself (and proving to him, but really also to yourself) you didn't because it was terrifying that you did.

Thanks honey and to everybody that has responded supporting me through this. Just the fact that you're there and typed something - means the world.

It's weird. I mean, I could ->-bleeped-<- everyone on the planet and it would never mean anything. Why I cheated? I don't know. I do think there's this thing sometimes when you really love somebody. And I could no longer see him the way I saw others. He became sacred.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjx-T7_CGQA

FA, just my two cents on why some not all people chest.  I truly believe that sometimes we are punishing ourselves by trying to make it obvious we don't deserve the person we truly love.  I think the other main reason is that we are all (I'm sorry to generalize) looking for acceptance and that is one way that at least superficially it makes us feel wanted even though we know how damaged we may be.  If I could just make a small suggestion and only because it worked for me.  I wanted to ask for forgiveness from my father after he had passed for not being the son he deserved.  And that has nothing to do with gender although some of the issues I am sure were caused by dysphoria.  I went to the ocean where we had spread his ashes and just sat quietly.  It took a long time 12 hours or so but I all of a sudden felt forgiven.  Now it was either Jim or a low blood sugar from not eating but I to this day feel he has acknowledged my apology and accepted it.  Sometimes it is still possible to be forgiven when you think it is to late.  Just a suggestion and I am sure it will not or does not work for everyone but it certainly helped me. Just hang in there and know there are plenty of people that truly do care about you and you can count me as one of them.  I wish you the best and the strength to carry on, move forward and live the life your S.O. Would have wanted you to live.  It is obvious he loved you as much as you loved him and I am sure he would want nothing more than your happiness. Please accept a hug from me and know that I am thinking of you.

FA,

Please know you aren't alone.  Many of us here know all too well about substance abuse and how it can take hold over us.  It's a horrible feeling and can leave you feeling helpless.  I wish there was more I could say about it and planned on saying more, but substance abuse still effects me to this day and there is only so much I can talk about it.  In any case, to see you or anyone else suffering in this area really upsets me.  I'm sorry you are going through this and hope that one day the past will leave you be and allow you to move forward in a healthy way.   In the meantime, know you aren't alone.  Please feel better. 

FA, I have no words of comfort. I am sorry and if I could take your pain and add it to mine that I feel on a daily basis, I would. Life sux because we all have to suffer sometimes and grief just proves that we can love. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time hon, my prayers are with you.

You are all such incredible people, real, intelligent, emotional beings.  I couldn't imagine going through my stuff without Susan's and y'all nearby.   We've all got our scars, our demons, and things that wake us up all wrung out. 

FA, you are strong, that's clear, human too.  I think you are wonderful.  We are with you.

J

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 12:41:44 PM
The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

This is a good first step, sweetie. Talking about things. Getting out everything that you've been holding inside. You're not trying to avoid thinking about it anymore.

Grief doesn't always go away by trying to ignore it, or drown it out. Sometimes you need to get through the whole process, and then you can start to heal. That's what you're doing.

Be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

One step at a time, hon.

*big hug*

Quote from: Sephirah on April 23, 2014, 05:21:43 PM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 12:41:44 PM
The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

This is a good first step, sweetie. Talking about things. Getting out everything that you've been holding inside. You're not trying to avoid thinking about it anymore.

Grief doesn't always go away by trying to ignore it, or drown it out. Sometimes you need to get through the whole process, and then you can start to heal. That's what you're doing.

Be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

One step at a time, hon.

*big hug*

I love you hon. But how can you be proud of me? Here I am, like a jellyfish spilling my guts all over the ocean. Practically willing people to stab me in the gut.

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 05:29:20 PM
I love you hon. But how can you be proud of me? Here I am, like a jellyfish spilling my guts all over the ocean. Practically willing people to stab me in the gut.

Because you're not keeping everything locked up tight, and stabbing yourself in the gut. Over and over.

Take it from someone who does that for a living... it's not good for you. :)

You're looking for support, for help. You're not thinking that it doesn't matter anymore. That you can't change. You're admitting you don't know how to, and wanting input from others. People who've been through similar things.

Sweetie, I know you, remember? I know that takes an immense amount of courage for you to do. It wasn't so long ago that you wouldn't say boo to a goose, as it were. Too scared to speak about anything because of what people might say, or how it might make you look.

You're getting there. Slowly. You're getting there. Keep going. :)

not going to do anything. so nobody freak out. just really not good right now. not good at all. i'm not going to 'do' anything. but i'll probably eventually drink myself to death anyway. what th hell - i'm practically a worthless corpse already. i'm just going to close my eyes and hope all this will just stop a moment. after all, there is nothing to miss anymore. as far as hes concerned anyway. so i can close my eyes. i can sleep. i can drink myself to death.

those eyes i loved are forever closed. by this point, maybe they don't even exist anymore. i would have wanted to watch them disintegrate. drunk and out of my mind, i clawed th earth. wondering for a moment - should i just dig the casket up? no doubt the hair wouldn't have rotted yet. his hair. i used to wonder what it would all look like gray. but now it never will be. maybe it's still there. all black and silver. maybe i could bury my face in it one time to sleep again.  maybe his hands are still there

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_VMJg7oMM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 07:20:15 PM
not going to do anything. so nobody freak out. just really not good right now. not good at all. i'm not going to 'do' anything. but i'll probably eventually drink myself to death anyway. what th hell - i'm practically a worthless corpse already. i'm just going to close my eyes and hope all this will just stop a moment. after all, there is nothing to miss anymore. as far as hes concerned anyway. so i can close my eyes. i can sleep. i can drink myself to death.

those eyes i loved are forever closed. by this point, maybe they don't even exist anymore. i would have wanted to watch them disintegrate. drunk and out of my mind, i clawed th earth. wondering for a moment - should i just dig the casket up? no doubt the hair wouldn't have rotted yet. his hair. i used to wonder what it would all look like gray. but now it never will be. maybe it's still there. all black and silver. maybe i could bury my face in it one time to sleep again.  maybe his hands are still there

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_VMJg7oMM

FA,

I understand you are in a lot of pain and I wish I could take that away.  However, there are a lot of people that would be sad if you drank yourself to death.  Not only people here, but in your real life as well.  And though your partner isn't physically there anymore, he will always be there in spirit.  If you want to start over and make anew for him, you can always do that today.  At least for his memory and that would be a great way to honor him.  I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy and healthy judging by the type of person you portray (he sounds very nuturing and caring). 

These things are hard.    Just don't hate yourself while you are trying to improve.  You may slip and fall as you're human, but please keep trying to get up.

*Post modified a tad.   

You are not practically a worthless corpse, mister. So don't even think that, okay?

He saw worth in you. He saw what and who you could be. That's part of why he loved you.

Those eyes aren't closed. They're in your heart. They're in your soul. Gazing at you with love. His memory lives on. In you. And while ever it's there he will never be gone. The physical may be gone but what he meant to you, who he was, your love for each other... that will never leave you.

He would want the best for you, sweetie, don't you think? To see you be who you always dreamed of being? To be happy? He would want that. That was part of his love for you. To watch you grow.

Wanna know something? You already know I took my name from someone close to me who died, to honour her memory. I've lost most everyone important to me in my life, in terms of family. But they're never gone, not truly. And I do my best. For them. For everyone I ever loved, and everyone who ever loved me, to honour them. To make me, and them, wherever they are, never forget. To make them proud of me, and feel that even in death, I was being true to the person they loved, and who I loved in return. To feel like when I do see them again, I'll be able to tell them that I was a good person, and I tried to do my best in this world. To be the best person I can be... for them, as well as for me.

You can do that. He would want you to do that. So that when you do see him again, you can tell him all the things you did. How you took the love you both felt in your lives, embraced that, and used it to grow, to become the person you both wanted you to be.

*big hug*

FA, we don't always see eye to eye, but I like and respect you.. Which is why I'm going to say this..

Please don't drink yourself to death. It's a horrid, crappy, painful way to go.. Dying as you spray blood from both ends due to a GI bleed caused by liver failure is not how you want to go.. Trust me, I watched it happen to Alison. I came in to Alison's life far too late to help her. But if I can use her story to help others, I will and feel that her life wasn't wasted..

And to add a little macarbe humour.. Jaundice as your liver fails will make you yellow and I get the feeling that yellow just isn't your shade.

I can't imagine the pain of losing one's spouse, we've been married for 45 years and loved one another for 50, I couldn't deal with it. My heart goes out to you FA!

@ LTL (just saw there were other replies. i'll post more thank you everybody

thanks hon. i lost all my self esteem and everything in me crumbled that day. i loathed myself with this deep black hatred that almost killed me. it was my fault. i wont go into it and i dont want people to argue with me. but it was.
i survived because somebody handed me a drink at the hospital. or i really might not be alive now. but those 12 days in the hospital made me a drunk. and now i can't bear ice cream trucks or green jolly ranchers or tons of other things. cause he liked them.

i moved out of state. or at this state of drunkenness, i would be out there wandering around, walking the streets we walked. standing like a zombie in front of his cousins house - who overdosed shortly after. his dads place - who collapsed of a heart attack at a gas station shortly after.  i would walk there, stand there at midnight like a drunken zombie. sniffing the air, grasping a pole, whatever is there. desperately searching for some trace. one time, whoever must have bought the cousins shack looked out. its a wonder i didnt get shot standing there like some kind of zombie peeping tom. maybe i wanted to be, really.

but i moved now. so theres nowhere i can go looking for him.

Just one more voice.  You are not bad, you are not evil, you have value and courage, and most of all you have this community.  Those of us who have been in the pit of addiction and crawled back out are here for you.  I'm tired of cleaning up after someone I know and like kills themselves with drink, a drug, or with a gun.  You've reached out - now get some help.  It's there, call me, call someone, treatment helps, but isn't a panacea.  Work is required, but it is work of self discovery, and self redemption.

The Big Book of AA says it pretty well: "He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

The power is there for you however you wish to define it.  But only you can bring the necessary humility to give up and accept what is freely offered.  If I could do it for you I would.  It has been a long time since I tapped the infinite, and If I stay spiritually fit, I will keep the connection and live in love and peace.  I want this for you.

Julie

Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

I think this is the important take away.  While I can't even begin to understand what you feel, please remember that he is in your memories and heart.  You don't have to look all over, he is there.  And while you can't take away the mistakes of your past, you can try to make up from them now.  Live for his memory and honor his soul. Make him proud and apologize for what you feel you were in fault of. I don't know what your relationship was like, but if he loved you and was like your life, I'm sure he would want you to see him as a positive force and would like to see you happy. 

Quote from: JulieBlair on April 23, 2014, 08:01:44 PM
Just one more voice.  You are not bad, you are not evil, you have value and courage, and most of all you have this community.  Those of us who have been in the pit of addiction and crawled back out are here for you.  I'm tired of cleaning up after someone I know and like kills themselves with drink, a drug, or with a gun.  You've reached out - now get some help.  It's there, call me, call someone, treatment helps, but isn't a panacea.  Work is required, but it is work of self discovery, and self redemption.

The Big Book of AA says it pretty well: "He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

The power is there for you however you wish to define it.  But only you can bring the necessary humility to give up and accept what is freely offered.  If I could do it for you I would.  It has been a long time since I tapped the infinite, and If I stay spiritually fit, I will keep the connection and live in love and peace.  I want this for you.

Julie

Thanks hon. I appreciate really. but i've here through aa and na. it was court ordered. i got off dope. this is different somehow. i mean i used to work in a bar and really didnt care much to drink. until this happened. i just started pouring it down my throat to survive the hospital. and if i hadnt something to ease the pain - well already there were two suicide attempts during those 12 days. but i had a bottle. and i had susans. the people on susans - they saw all this. which is one reason i love this place. i dont know if i would have survived during that time.

this isnt like the drugs. this is tied to the hospital. and i have turned into his father. but i dont want to die like him. looking kinda inevitable now though

Quote from: Sephirah on April 23, 2014, 07:39:07 PM
You are not practically a worthless corpse, mister. So don't even think that, okay?

He saw worth in you. He saw what and who you could be. That's part of why he loved you.

Those eyes aren't closed. They're in your heart. They're in your soul. Gazing at you with love. His memory lives on. In you. And while ever it's there he will never be gone. The physical may be gone but what he meant to you, who he was, your love for each other... that will never leave you.

He would want the best for you, sweetie, don't you think? To see you be who you always dreamed of being? To be happy? He would want that. That was part of his love for you. To watch you grow.

Wanna know something? You already know I took my name from someone close to me who died, to honour her memory. I've lost most everyone important to me in my life, in terms of family. But they're never gone, not truly. And I do my best. For them. For everyone I ever loved, and everyone who ever loved me, to honour them. To make me, and them, wherever they are, never forget. To make them proud of me, and feel that even in death, I was being true to the person they loved, and who I loved in return. To feel like when I do see them again, I'll be able to tell them that I was a good person, and I tried to do my best in this world. To be the best person I can be... for them, as well as for me.

You can do that. He would want you to do that. So that when you do see him again, you can tell him all the things you did. How you took the love you both felt in your lives, embraced that, and used it to grow, to become the person you both wanted you to be.

*big hug*

aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

It is never inevitable, I've held people who sobbed and pleaded for death, but who sobered up and learned to live again.  Grief kills, but despair kills quicker. The part that is hard is sometimes it takes years of emptiness before death releases you. You don't seem like a man ready to die.  You can make that choice, but you can also choose life.  I did from drugs, I did from alcohol.  I'm choosing life again by transitioning.  Every time the cost has been huge, but every time I eventually became stronger and more complete.  I for one need you here and need you well.  Please choose life.

Love to You,
Julie

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Sweetie, I only wish I had the courage to show my vulnerable side.

Like I said, I'm proud of you. *huggles*

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Honestly i saw the last post and I just thought it was beautiful even if it was sad. :x you should be a writer, good lord, you communicate your feelings so much it hurts. Sorry if that is off topic.

Quote from: JulieBlair on April 23, 2014, 08:27:31 PM
It is never inevitable, I've held people who sobbed and pleaded for death, but who sobered up and learned to live again.  Grief kills, but despair kills quicker. The part that is hard is sometimes it takes years of emptiness before death releases you. You don't seem like a man ready to die.  You can make that choice, but you can also choose life.  I did from drugs, I did from alcohol.  I'm choosing life again by transitioning.  Every time the cost has been huge, but every time I eventually became stronger and more complete.  I for one need you here and need you well.  Please choose life.

Love to You,
Julie

you need me here? why?
i just don't think i can do it. any of it. live. any of it. i mean, im still here drinking, remembering 7 years later.  still here half dead. despite transition. yeah dysphoria is gone. but so is so much else... maybe im just not strong enough. maybe im the kind of man that loses the love of his life and drinks himself to death. theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 08:31:46 PM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Honestly i saw the last post and I just thought it was beautiful even if it was sad. :x you should be a writer, good lord, you communicate your feelings so much it hurts. Sorry if that is off topic.

thanks hon. no i'll take a writing compliment anytime.  :)

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:34:42 PM
theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Yes there is. You're reaching out, for the first time. You're baring your soul. Getting out all that grief and heartache that's been eating at you for those seven years where before you sought solace only in drink. That takes strength.

You're realising the "why". Why it's happening. Why you feel you need it. It isn't just a reflex action anymore. That's a step in the right direction. When you know why, you can start to change the why. It's when you don't, or don't want to see it, that you get stuck.

I've seen you go through hell, Nero. More than once in the time I've known you. But you know what? I've also seen you come out the other side. I think you're the kind of man that, when the night is darkest, finds that inner light and walks towards it. I think you're the kind of man who will not give in, no matter how bad it gets.

I don't think you can do it, either. I know you can. No one said it would be easy. The most meaningful things never are. But you have friends who love you, people who want the best for you, we'll get you through it even if you think you aren't strong enough. You're strong enough to know you can't do it alone. And you don't have to.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.

Quote from: SarahM777 on April 23, 2014, 08:50:58 PM

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.

omigod honey.  :'(

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:54:05 PM
There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.


omigod honey.  :'(

I am OK now. The point is I know you can too. There is hope.  ;)

Quote from: Sephirah on April 23, 2014, 08:46:12 PM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:34:42 PM
theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Yes there is. You're reaching out, for the first time. You're baring your soul. Getting out all that grief and heartache that's been eating at you for those seven years where before you sought solace only in drink. That takes strength.

You're realising the "why". Why it's happening. Why you feel you need it. It isn't just a reflex action anymore. That's a step in the right direction. When you know why, you can start to change the why. It's when you don't, or don't want to see it, that you get stuck.

I've seen you go through hell, Nero. More than once in the time I've known you. But you know what? I've also seen you come out the other side. I think you're the kind of man that, when the night is darkest, finds that inner light and walks towards it. I think you're the kind of man who will not give in, no matter how bad it gets.

I don't think you can do it, either. I know you can. No one said it would be easy. The most meaningful things never are. But you have friends who love you, people who want the best for you, we'll get you through it even if you think you aren't strong enough. You're strong enough to know you can't do it alone. And you don't have to.

aww i love you so much. i couldn't do it without you.

i have this recurring dream. where i don't know where he is. and i am so worried. because i dont know where he is, what hes doing. is he safe. i call everyone. i look everywhere.
then i wake up. and there's this relief. it's ok. it was a dream. you know where he is. he's safe. in the ground. nothing can ever happen to him or hurt him. and then - well why do i feel relief over that. how sick is that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_VMJg7oMM

FA- You have made so much progress in just a few days that it amazes me.  By opening up, you have forced yourself to stare your demons right in the eye.  Grief and guilt are two of the worst demons you will ever have to face, and they will never go away if you try to hide from them.  I know all of my demons well now.  We're on a first name basis. 

I was blamed for a friend's death once.  He wasn't my SO, but he was a great friend and a classic character. I miss him every day. His goofy smile, his dark sense of humor, his spontaneity, his talent.  After he died, I had to carry a .38 everywhere I went for several months because of all the death threats I received.  And believe me, I know damned well what the barrel tastes like.  Before I faced the guilt and grief, I numbed myself with everything I could get my hands on.  I became homeless for several weeks because I refused to go to work.  I sold almost everything I owned (thankfully I had the sense to dump the .38 that tempted me) for drugs and booze before my brother came to get me out of there and drove me across the country.  During the road trip, my forced sobriety got me some serious face time with the demons.  It was hard and painful, but I mostly worked through it.  It took a long time to slay those demons completely, but time really does heal all wounds. 

The fact that you are still here and deep down wish to remain that way speaks volumes to me.  I know this much- you are stronger than I.  If I had been in the same situation as you, I know I would have taken the easy way out.  You didn't.  You are still here, and once you get past this, I will bet you that you will no longer need the alcohol to get by.

Please know that your family here loves you and wishes you nothing but happiness and peace.   

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 09:00:05 PM
aww i love you so much. i couldn't do it without you.

i have this recurring dream. where i don't know where he is. and i am so worried. because i dont know where he is, what hes doing. is he safe. i call everyone. i look everywhere.
then i wake up. and there's this relief. it's ok. it was a dream. you know where he is. he's safe. in the ground. nothing can ever happen to him or hurt him. and then - well why do i feel relief over that. how sick is that

If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that's a manifestation of your feeling of helplessness. And maybe guilt. Of your loss of control of the situation and feeling like you should have done something differently. Been able to change things, to look out for him. Sweetie, I don't think the dream is about him at all, I think it's about you. About your feelings. Playing out in your mind over and over because you haven't come to terms with them yet.

It's not sick to feel relief that someone isn't hurting anymore. But again, I'm not sure it's about that. I wonder if it's more about an ending to things. A feeling that the situation is what it is, and you can't change it even if you want to. And with that comes a feeling of being back in control. Of knowing that you don't have to deal with that feeling of helplessness and like you should have done more. Of guilt.

Like I say, that's just a guess.

Quote from: Jill F on April 23, 2014, 09:12:32 PM
FA- You have made so much progress in just a few days that it amazes me. 

Really? I feel like I've been purging these last weeks. And my spewing chunks have hit everyone else.  :embarrassed: But better out than in. And I feel bad saying this cause I'm really afraid I hurt people here, including people I know well and love - but i do feel some of the pain of the past lifting. like ive dropped this burden years of writing in my private journal program couldnt do.

QuoteI was blamed for a friend's death once.  He wasn't my SO, but he was a great friend and a classic character. I miss him every day. His goofy smile, his dark sense of humor, his spontaneity, his talent.  After he died, I had to carry a .38 everywhere I went for several months because of all the death threats I received.  And believe me, I know damned well what the barrel tastes like.  Before I faced the guilt and grief, I numbed myself with everything I could get my hands on.  I became homeless for several weeks because I refused to go to work.  I sold almost everything I owned (thankfully I had the sense to dump the .38 that tempted me) for drugs and booze before my brother came to get me out of there and drove me across the country.  During the road trip, my forced sobriety got me some serious face time with the demons.  It was hard and painful, but I mostly worked through it.  It took a long time to slay those demons completely, but time really does heal all wounds. 

Wow that is just... i can't imagine feeling the grief and then everyone blaming you... so sorry for your loss sweetie.

QuoteThe fact that you are still here and deep down wish to remain that way speaks volumes to me.  I know this much- you are stronger than I.  If I was in the same situation as you, I know I would have taken the easy way out.  You didn't.  You are still here, and once you get past this, I will bet you that you will no longer need the alcohol to get by.

Please know that your family here loves you and wishes you nothing but happiness and peace.   

aww thanks hon. but i feel very weak and vulnerable and unmanly at the moment. i mean - how could i even let myself get to this point that i'm telling everyone else this

aww thanks hon. but i feel very weak and vulnerable and unmanly at the moment. i mean - how could i even let myself get to this point that i'm telling everyone else this

Because that took an amazing amount of strength and courage.  You are stronger than your demons.  You just did something very ballsy and have displayed some incredible strength of character, IMHO.

FA, I believe you have gained the upper hand now by opening up like this.  Let it all out.  Your demons don't stand a chance. 

FA,

I wish I could say or do something that would take away all this pain you've been going through, but I'm at a loss. Sadly I don't have anything profound that I can add that hasn't already been said.

I do believe that you underestimate your own value. I mean look at how many people here a rallying around you. There are so many here who are concerned and want to see you work through all of this.

Secondly I think you underestimate your own strength.  From what I've seen you say in the last couple weeks, you have had way more than your fair share of challenges thrown at you. More recently you have started to overcome your own barriers of opening up about those challenges. That alone is testimony that you can find a way to move on. If that means coming here to talk about it, so be it.

You have been smart enough to realize that you need to open up and brave enough to actually do it. When I think about that, "weak", "vulnerable" and "unmanly" are the last three words to mind.