Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My transition seems to be really taking a toll on my relationship. my partner said that I'm hurting her. She said I've changed and that she feels like she does t know me anymore.

Anyways, tonight we went to go visit one of her old family friends for dinner. I wasn't prepared for this, I had on girls clothes but no makeup and did t shave very well, as we rushed out of the house this morning. When we arrived, I got very scared of meeting new people and I was very nervous about
My appearance. I have been experiencing a physically crippling social anxiety lately. I tried to talk to my partner about how I was feeling and said I wanted to stay in the car, I felt like I couldn't get myself to even get out of the car. She snapped and got angry with me, and left me in the car. Minutes later, her friend comes out to tell me it's okay to come in and I felt pressured enough to go inside. While inside, everyone was sitting on the couch and I was silent. I felt tears coming on and I was so scared I got up and went Ito the other room, only to run into her husband, who I introduced myself to with minimum eye contact, and rushed back to sit next to my partner.
They then heated us up some leftovers from their dinner and took my son into the living room to let us eat. The whole time I was silent, and saw their teenage daughter come
In and talk to my partner about the clothes she just bought. Already being a bad place, thoughts of ot having a female childhood and not being able to wear those clothes and look female triggered my dysphoria and tears started
Coming on again, so I went out In the back yarde alone and cried. A half hour later my partner came out and checked in with me, and I told her to just go enjoy herself.
Later I went Inside to find my partner but I was told she was smoking pot in one of the rooms upstairs with her friend. I've told her that makes me uncomfortable, so that kind of upset
Me. I didn't really talk to anyone the whole night, and stayed a good distance away and cried several more times, feeling lonely and scared. My partner didn't come to comfort me that entire time, and I felt like I wasn't even a priority or that she couldn't handle my emotions. I needed her.

When we were leaving she asked me what was wrong but I refused
To talk and I was angry with her. On the drive home I scratched all up
My arms and took the edge of a Chapstick tube (the sharpest thing in my purse) to my wrist and got it through my skin.

I ended up explaining how I felt when I got home. We got I'm an argument, she said if I'm not going to talk to anyone or make eye contact, Why bother coming? (i behaved similarly at our other family gatherings) She said that I make other people uncomfortable and I made her friend wonder what she did wrong or why I didn't even give her a chance. Her friend asked her why she's with a person like me because it seems to be making her  go crazy and making her depressed.
i responded to her very angrily, I said that is by far the least compassionate response I could imagine. That it should be obvious the amount of inner
Turmoil I'm experiencing, and I'm trying so hard every day and all i get is "why bother coming if you're going to act like that"
She seemed more concerned with what her friend was thinking than what I went through.
She didn't even comfort me.

I tried to explain to my partner that I'm not comfortable around other people knowing that I'm trans and that I'm not comfortable with it myself, and she Said then why dress like a girl And paint your nails? I told her I'm trying my best and its really hard for me. I'm working through it. I told her I could be uncomfortable for a while longer, but that I'm getting better every day. I told her ill be comfortable again and be back to my fun self again. She said that she doesn't know if she can handle that, which scared the ->-bleeped-<- out of Me- it felt like she was leaving me. She said that my dysphoria hurts her, and that its hard to want to be with someone who hates their body so much. She doesn't want to get dressed in front of me because she sees how I look at her with envy and sadness. She said that im so much a part of her, that visiting her friend while I was acting like that feels like she's not a whole person without me, that I am such a part
Of her that when I harm myself it puts her through a lot of pain and she feels like she's reached her limit.

I told her that its a huge weight knowing how much my transition hurts hurts her. We argue more and we're no longer on the same page. We're drifting apart. We do t really have a love life either, she has no libido and she that my triggers make her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to be Intimate.

I feel hopeless. I care about her more than anything but it feels like following my heart and transitioning is pushing us apart. She doesn't have the energy to support me like I need to be supported. I'm scared and I don't know what's going to happen.

I just moved so I won't be seeing a therapist for a couple weeks... What do I do..

To your question based only on what you said here, I would say probably it is falling apart. I don't know anything beyond what you written here however.

From the way you put it though it sounds as if you are nervous and dealing with a lot and that your response to this is to pull away, be quiet and not engage with anyone. This is probably very frustrating for your partner since she doesn't feel your inner turmoil it might be difficult for her to reall sympathize with your actions. From her point of view she might just think you are stonewalling and denying her a good time with her friends.

Clearly, the best thing to do is to try and keep the communication going. Rather than going away until your partner notices and comes to support you perhaps it would be better to engage in dialog and tell her exactly how and why you need support. My natural tendency is to back away from situations that make me feel uncomfortable and not to speak directly to what I want or need out of a situation but, in my expierence doing that didn't accomplish anything positive.

Lots of what seems to really keep a relationship going is shared expierence and the associations that a person makes with another, it isn't good if she associates you with not having fun, walking on eggshells or being unsocialable. Keeping that in mind if you can reinforce the positive things about the time you spend together it will only improve her feelings on the situation.

I really hope you can keep your marriage, it can be really nice to have a loving partner especially which such difficulties and frustrations that transition brings.

Quote from: Debussy on June 17, 2014, 03:28:53 AM
I tried to explain to my partner that I'm not comfortable around other people knowing that I'm trans and that I'm not comfortable with it myself, and she Said then why dress like a girl And paint your nails?

If I was to be totally blunt, that would be my response too. However, I do understand where you are coming from - I know how conflicted one can feel around these feelings. On one hand you just want to be a woman, on the other you're only prepared to dip the toe in for fear of repercussion and/or other people's reactions to you. I was like that during my first attempt at transition and believe me I tried the patience of my best friends beyond reasonable human endurance. It's a wonder any of them still speak to me (in fact many didn't for quite a few years). I guess what I'm trying to say is that even people who love you will have their limits, people generally prefer to socialise with people who are open and friendly and who are sure of themselves - an impossibly hard place to be in when the dysphoria tsunami hits.

My question to you would be, what hurts least... going out as "fully male" or as "partial female" along with the self-consciousness it apparently elicits? It sounds both are painful but that you're not in a place to go confidently as fully female. Maybe andro rather than partial female would be better for you during this point in your transition. You need to figure out what causes you the least distress in social circumstances, this will allow you to be that fun self you mentioned.

As for whether you are driving your wife away, I couldn't say but it sure sounds like she's unhappy.

Debussy,

I feel sorry that both your wife and you are feeling so upset.

First of all, you tried cutting yourself - that would have scared her, even though it was with a Chapstick.  Call your therapist and tell them what's happened and they will fit you in earlier.  Attempted self harm isn't good, and I'm worried for you.

With such big changes happening, the awkwardness is understandable - your wife and you have to spend some time listening to each other, and then talk.

"I feel.... When..." Is often helpful dialogue, if there are no accusations flying.

Hugs, sorry you and your partner are experiancing this.

Is there a way you can see your therapist sooner? Is there a group in your area you can attend?

You are dealing with a lot of issues at the same time and they are overwhelming you.

If you read back over what you wrote point by point, what can you do to feel better with each point. Doing something with one point at a time or address one point per day and rotate.

I too have an issue with young girls and young trans* and regreat. One thing is I envision myself at 5, 6 or 7. I as an adulut hold the childs hand and we together get through the issue. We talk to each other (in my mind) and I help her to feel loved and able to get past the pain. If I buy something fem I am holding the childs hand and saying see you can be yourself or something to the effect.

I hope this helps, hugs.

Quote from you,
"Later I went Inside to find my partner but I was told she was smoking pot in one of the rooms upstairs with her friend. I've told her that makes me uncomfortable, so that kind of upset
Me."

Debussy, relationships are give and take. That little part bothers me while I don't condone drug use, it is her perogative. So don't let that upset you. Sort of like your transition being your perogative. It really doesn't seem like she is ashamed or embarrassed of you too much to not take you around her friends. I mean she actually came outside and checked on you at one point. Sounds like her friends were accepting of you too. And yeah I know how social anxiety can be.

In any relationship the two parties need to keep the lines of commmunication open. You should have been honest when you got into the car and she asked what was wrong instead of exhibiting self destructive behavior. This is never a good way to convey how you are feeling and probably made your partner feel helpless. And then it came to a boiling point when you got home and the lid blew off.

You mentioned going to other functions? Hon, if you can't handle being around people at the time and associate, you may need to just let her go on her own until you are in a better place in which you can socially function with other people.

Yes your transition is probably extremely hard on her and yeah the person she knew probably doesn't seem like the same person, but she is still with you, so that is something. Whether your marriage is falling apart, I can't say. I will say that both of you are going through issues that affect both of you differently, so definately try to keep the lines of communication open and try to see things from each other's perspective. Couple's counseling may do you some good too.

Agree with Jess on this.  Sorry for writing in point form but I think in an overly structured manner.

First you need to continue to work on yourself.  All of your fears are normal and a good therapist will coach and help you find your way forward.  Second when you are unhappy it does tend to impact how you view others and how they view you.  Couples counselling will help you both.  Third your wife does sound very supportive as do her friends.  Perhaps the social anxiety or discomfort that you are feeling may be hiding this from you.  Fourth if you are uncomfortable with your current presentation why not take smaller steps, perhaps a more androgyne appearance where you are not as conscious of individual elements not being perfect.   You may also find a support group which includes folk with similar issues and at a similar stage very helpful as you move forward.

Relationships are tricky.  Showing your love.  Communicating fully and in a timely and authentic manner will help.  Sharing your fears and your positive feelings and appreciation to/with her may also help.

You are probably a lot stronger and better loved than you fear.    I wish you well on your journey together.

Aisla

Quote from: Hikari on June 17, 2014, 04:26:13 AM
To your question based only on what you said here, I would say probably it is falling apart. I don't know anything beyond what you written here however.

From the way you put it though it sounds as if you are nervous and dealing with a lot and that your response to this is to pull away, be quiet and not engage with anyone. This is probably very frustrating for your partner since she doesn't feel your inner turmoil it might be difficult for her to reall sympathize with your actions. From her point of view she might just think you are stonewalling and denying her a good time with her friends.

Clearly, the best thing to do is to try and keep the communication going. Rather than going away until your partner notices and comes to support you perhaps it would be better to engage in dialog and tell her exactly how and why you need support. My natural tendency is to back away from situations that make me feel uncomfortable and not to speak directly to what I want or need out of a situation but, in my expierence doing that didn't accomplish anything positive.

Lots of what seems to really keep a relationship going is shared expierence and the associations that a person makes with another, it isn't good if she associates you with not having fun, walking on eggshells or being unsocialable. Keeping that in mind if you can reinforce the positive things about the time you spend together it will only improve her feelings on the situation.

I really hope you can keep your marriage, it can be really nice to have a loving partner especially which such difficulties and frustrations that transition brings.

I know its definitely heading downhill... She told me that she feels better this morning...

All of her family and friends know I'm trans, which makes me nervous about my presentation and how I act, so I pull away from social situations. No matter what I'm wearing. She says she doesn't understand me, and why I can't just go for it. She doesn't understand why my fear paralyzes me so much. It was worse this time maybe due to hormone rollercoaster or dysphoria... Ive never refused to go in before, and she didn't know what to do.

I feel like our communication is suffering more because whenever I talk to her about my issues, she feels helpless and just tries to poke holes in the logic of my emotions instead of supporting me. I feel like I'm overwhelming her and talking with her just leads to arguing and her feeling guilty etc.

I really don't feel capable of having fun or being sociable right now at all. She said I should just stay home.

I really hope things don't get worse, because I know I won't make it without her.

Quote from: Ms Grace on June 17, 2014, 04:33:18 AM
If I was to be totally blunt, that would be my response too. However, I do understand where you are coming from - I know how conflicted one can feel around these feelings. On one hand you just want to be a woman, on the other you're only prepared to dip the toe in for fear of repercussion and/or other people's reactions to you. I was like that during my first attempt at transition and believe me I tried the patience of my best friends beyond reasonable human endurance. It's a wonder any of them still speak to me (in fact many didn't for quite a few years). I guess what I'm trying to say is that even people who love you will have their limits, people generally prefer to socialise with people who are open and friendly and who are sure of themselves - an impossibly hard place to be in when the dysphoria tsunami hits.

My question to you would be, what hurts least... going out as "fully male" or as "partial female" along with the self-consciousness it apparently elicits? It sounds both are painful but that you're not in a place to go confidently as fully female. Maybe andro rather than partial female would be better for you during this point in your transition. You need to figure out what causes you the least distress in social circumstances, this will allow you to be that fun self you mentioned.

As for whether you are driving your wife away, I couldn't say but it sure sounds like she's unhappy.

I think I'm most comfortable dressing partially feminine/andro. But I have dressed andro around her family and she says that I still make people uncomfortable and they talk to her about it. Of course then I can get out of the car, but I still keep to myself. I just don't feel capable of normal social interaction right now at all. I feel socially crippled.

With everyone knowing I'm trans, I would feel extremely uncomfortable presenting male. On top of it just feeling wrong. I feel like it would trigger my dysphoria more. My wife uses female pronouns with me at all times...

So I feel like I can't feel comfortable as male, andro or female right now. I'm just uncomfortable. If I perceived my own body as female and others did the same, I would feel fine. Its kind of hard to explain. I'm scared of people seeing me as trans or male. I don't feel confident in myself at all.

Quote from: luna nyan on June 17, 2014, 05:20:15 AM
Debussy,

I feel sorry that both your wife and you are feeling so upset.

First of all, you tried cutting yourself - that would have scared her, even though it was with a Chapstick.  Call your therapist and tell them what's happened and they will fit you in earlier.  Attempted self harm isn't good, and I'm worried for you.

With such big changes happening, the awkwardness is understandable - your wife and you have to spend some time listening to each other, and then talk.

"I feel.... When..." Is often helpful dialogue, if there are no accusations flying.

I just applied for medicaid in this new state so I have to wait until I get my papers in the mail to see someone.

I normally didn't accused her before in conversation, and we didn't argue... but I feel so quick to anger now. heh. I feel more impulsive with my speech when I get emotional that I don't always say the best things... I know she's getting fed up with me always saying the same things. like, "yea you've told me that before. I guessed you were feeling that way."

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 17, 2014, 06:14:29 AM
Hugs, sorry you and your partner are experiancing this.

Is there a way you can see your therapist sooner? Is there a group in your area you can attend?

You are dealing with a lot of issues at the same time and they are overwhelming you.

If you read back over what you wrote point by point, what can you do to feel better with each point. Doing something with one point at a time or address one point per day and rotate.

I too have an issue with young girls and young trans* and regreat. One thing is I envision myself at 5, 6 or 7. I as an adulut hold the childs hand and we together get through the issue. We talk to each other (in my mind) and I help her to feel loved and able to get past the pain. If I buy something fem I am holding the childs hand and saying see you can be yourself or something to the effect.

I hope this helps, hugs.

I can go to an LGBT youth group tomorrow, I'm scared to talk to a group though. We'll see how it goes.

That is a good exercise. One thing I really need to work on is acceptance.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 17, 2014, 08:35:41 AM
Quote from you,
"Later I went Inside to find my partner but I was told she was smoking pot in one of the rooms upstairs with her friend. I've told her that makes me uncomfortable, so that kind of upset
Me."

Debussy, relationships are give and take. That little part bothers me while I don't condone drug use, it is her perogative. So don't let that upset you. Sort of like your transition being your perogative. It really doesn't seem like she is ashamed or embarrassed of you too much to not take you around her friends. I mean she actually came outside and checked on you at one point. Sounds like her friends were accepting of you too. And yeah I know how social anxiety can be.

In any relationship the two parties need to keep the lines of commmunication open. You should have been honest when you got into the car and she asked what was wrong instead of exhibiting self destructive behavior. This is never a good way to convey how you are feeling and probably made your partner feel helpless. And then it came to a boiling point when you got home and the lid blew off.

You mentioned going to other functions? Hon, if you can't handle being around people at the time and associate, you may need to just let her go on her own until you are in a better place in which you can socially function with other people.

Yes your transition is probably extremely hard on her and yeah the person she knew probably doesn't seem like the same person, but she is still with you, so that is something. Whether your marriage is falling apart, I can't say. I will say that both of you are going through issues that affect both of you differently, so definately try to keep the lines of communication open and try to see things from each other's perspective. Couple's counseling may do you some good too.

That part is more of a trigger, less of an actual bias on my part. Early in our relationship, we had a threesome friendship where her and our friend got along really well. They would leave me in the car for hours and smoke pot in his house. I didn't know if they were doing anything or what they were doing. Then when we were all around eachother she wouldn't make eye contact with me or say anything to me for the whole day while we hung out. I would try to make conversation, but she would just shut me out for some reason. She would focus all her energy on him and it made me really sad.
I've told her that it triggers me and it would make me more comfortable if she just brought some home and we did it together, but I think she was just tired of me at the time. I do need to get over the bad association, its not making her feel very good.

I've been very good at communicating my feelings up until lately, where she's showed increased amounts of disinterest in what I'm going through, like its just old news. She says that she feels like she doesn't know how to help me and she no longer has the energy. So I kind of just have stopped communicating because I feel like there's no point, it just makes her feel worse too.

Quote from: Aisla on June 17, 2014, 09:25:58 AM
Agree with Jess on this.  Sorry for writing in point form but I think in an overly structured manner.

First you need to continue to work on yourself.  All of your fears are normal and a good therapist will coach and help you find your way forward.  Second when you are unhappy it does tend to impact how you view others and how they view you.  Couples counselling will help you both.  Third your wife does sound very supportive as do her friends.  Perhaps the social anxiety or discomfort that you are feeling may be hiding this from you.  Fourth if you are uncomfortable with your current presentation why not take smaller steps, perhaps a more androgyne appearance where you are not as conscious of individual elements not being perfect.   You may also find a support group which includes folk with similar issues and at a similar stage very helpful as you move forward.

Relationships are tricky.  Showing your love.  Communicating fully and in a timely and authentic manner will help.  Sharing your fears and your positive feelings and appreciation to/with her may also help.

You are probably a lot stronger and better loved than you fear.    I wish you well on your journey together.

Aisla

I'm working on myself every day, and pushing my comfort zones farther and farther. A month ago I wouldn't even walk around the block without a piece of male clothing on, now I'm going to dinner and going all over D.C. in my female clothes. I still haven't gotten comfortable with social interactions though, I can barely order myself food. I'm working on it though and I'm sure I'll be able to order myself food in feminine presentation soon ;)

She is definitely supportive, to a certain point. Her limits are being reached sooner and sooner as of late. I definitely agree that my being uncomfortable makes people uncomfortable- I'm really working on it and I'm in a really difficult transitional period.




----

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. My partner and I are on better terms this morning and communicating better... We'll see how things progress... Although I am starting to feel very guilty that my issues are doing this. Actually, I feel horrible about myself. I don't want to have the weight of other people weighing down on me when I'm going through something as hard as this. I feel like I'm the one who needs support, but here everyone is saying I make them uncomfortable as if I'm doing something to them. sheesh. This is why I just don't want to leave the house.

I realized I just wanted to be told it's okay to go through what I'm going through. And it seems this is the only place where people tell me its okay to feel like this. Everyone in my life right now just seems to not understand and make me feel like what I'm feeling is wrong and that I should be feeling something else. Everyone is questioning me and saying why are you even transitioning if it hurts this much? I asked my partner why she wanted to have our child even though she knew it would hurt. She thinks that if people were tolerant of my transgender status, that I should be okay- and that that's all I need to be comfortable. So thank you everyone for bringing some validity to my feelings. I just needed to feel like it's okay for me to feel like this, and that I will get through it. I just can't look to anyone in my life right now to hear that, I have to believe it for myself.

Quote from: Debussy on June 17, 2014, 02:16:32 PM
I realized I just wanted to be told it's okay to go through what I'm going through. And it seems this is the only place where people tell me its okay to feel like this. Everyone in my life right now just seems to not understand and make me feel like what I'm feeling is wrong and that I should be feeling something else. Everyone is questioning me and saying why are you even transitioning if it hurts this much? I asked my partner why she wanted to have our child even though she knew it would hurt. She thinks that if people were tolerant of my transgender status, that I should be okay- and that that's all I need to be comfortable. So thank you everyone for bringing some validity to my feelings. I just needed to feel like it's okay for me to feel like this, and that I will get through it. I just can't look to anyone in my life right now to hear that, I have to believe it for myself.

I really hate to tell you this Debussy, but it will always be hard for people to understand how and what we feel. How the inside feels so different from the outside when so many people are in synche with their physical gender and we are not. Don't expect cis people to understand too much while they can be tolerant there is no way too many of them can empathize with us because their self identity matches their gender for the most part.

I have to say I am a little concerned here. You are going through all of this and are entertaining a thought of adding a child to the mix? Personally I think you need to think some things out, decide on your relationship issue and what to do and she needs to leave the substance abuse alone. Adding or even considering a child right now is irresponsible at best.  :( if you are this confused now what will it be like with the care of an infant thrown in?

Quote from: Jess42 on June 17, 2014, 02:58:55 PM
I really hate to tell you this Debussy, but it will always be hard for people to understand how and what we feel. How the inside feels so different from the outside when so many people are in synche with their physical gender and we are not. Don't expect cis people to understand too much while they can be tolerant there is no way too many of them can empathize with us because their self identity matches their gender for the most part.

I have a hard time understanding what it's like to feel cisgendered, so I guess I don't understand why they can't understand! heh.. Note taken.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 17, 2014, 03:07:45 PM
I have to say I am a little concerned here. You are going through all of this and are entertaining a thought of adding a child to the mix? Personally I think you need to think some things out, decide on your relationship issue and what to do and she needs to leave the substance abuse alone. Adding or even considering a child right now is irresponsible at best.  :( if you are this confused now what will it be like with the care of an infant thrown in?

What I meant is that we already have a child- he's 6 months old today. It's really hard for her to support me when there's so much on her already being a mother. She feels like there's nothing left for her.

It's a strange dynamic: My dysphoria is probably the leading cause of the disfunction in our relationship. Because normally, there's a mother who takes care of the baby with her body and mind- which prioritizes the baby. Then there's the father, who prioritizes making protecting the mother and baby. But my body is that of a father, so I don't have the means to have biological mother-son relationship with my child in order to be a true mother. But I don't have the mind to be a true father either, the provider/protector. My mind tells me to be a mother, but I can't. My body is built to be a father. So I'm in transition, leaving the father behind trying to be mother, but I can't be either. I'm stuck in between. I can't be completely male or completely female. With me stuck in this weird inbetween, it leaves her to make up for what I am lacking. My body is telling me to have more sex, have more babies, but my body dyphoria makes that difficult, and I can't take care of it myself. And she just had a baby, and her libido is gone in order to take care of him. So she feels like she can't emotionally support me because her energy needs to go towards our son, and she can't sexually support me because of her libido being gone. So she feels overwhelmed, understandably.

I decided I couldn't wait any longer at about 6 months into the pregnancy, and starting hormones a month before she gave birth. It has made this whole experience surprisingly difficult, especially getting to see her carrying our baby and feeding him from her body and being a real mother, something I will never experience. And all of this makes her feel so guilty that she makes me feel this way. But I've gotten better at accepting it. It's amazing being a parent and my child is one of the most amazing gifts I could ask for in my life. I will try my damndest not to pass on my insecurities to him- and not let my transition take away from his needs. My child is always the priority. In the last 6 months I have gone through 3 major transitions: becoming a parent, transitioning, and moving across the united states. So yea, my life is pretty rocky!

that was probably a bit off topic, but she said to me the other night that we feel more like friends than lovers. She said she doesn't have room for a sexual relationship with me. My libido has increased since starting HRT, and our sexual relationship hasn't been healthy for about 9 months now. We don't engage that often, and its been really hard on me. I feel unattractive and unwanted, etc. I really like our friendship and I love us together as parents, but right now our sexual relationship just sucks.

edit: It's also more difficult for her because her body can trigger my dysphoria, as well as parts of my body. so it's gotten quite complicated.

Tells girlfriend to go inside and enjoy herself -> Gets upset and angry that girlfriends goes in and enjoys herself.
Then you refuse to talk when she is asking whats up, because she cares about you. Instead you cut yourself.

Why? I honestly don't really understand these things. I mean sometimes when I was younger I could act a bit similarly, like I might tell someone "no its fine go do whatever thing you wanna do" as some sort of perverted test to see if they will even though they know I don't actually want them too, but that isn't healthy nor mature behavior. You should be upfront. Like, if you didn't want her to go inside and enjoy herself (you obviously didn't since the result was you getting upset and angry) then why tell her to do this?

I know it is hard but try and look at what and why you are doing things, objectively. I used to have some real bad anxiety things and sometimes still do. The only way I have gotten over them is by putting myself out there and being social. If it is making you so uncomfortable don't be so overtly female. Go andro style instead. Paint your toes but not your finger nails. Just put some BB cream or tinted moisturisers instead of foundations. Chapsticks instead of lipsticks. Ease yourself in instead of jumping in with both feet and freaking out that you have your toes wet. I would probably be similarly uncomfortable in such a situation so I don't go all femme. Also look on the bright side it looks like your GF still likes you at least as a friend and all of her friends are also wanting to see you, eat with you, have you over at their place and are seemingly upset that you didn't have a good time. Sounds like you and your GF have a pretty deep connection from what you say. Even if you have troubles now with these kinds of things if you can get over them then maybe you can save your relationship?


Oh and Merriman please. Substance abuse? For smoking a little weed at a get together with some old friends? Yea right.

Quote from: Seras on June 17, 2014, 06:57:08 PM
Oh and Merriman please. Substance abuse? For smoking a little weed at a get together with some old friends? Yea right.

As a Paramedic I was only concerned with it if she was pregnant as a health issue to the fetus.

When socially arkward, things arent usually as bad as they seem.
Elevated self consciousness and possibilities perceived as if they had already happened.

Try to step back and ask yourself questions like: Why do I/did I feel this way? Is there any evidence to support that thought? Are/were my beliefs based on emotions or facts?

Even if someone doesnt like you or accept you, the worst they can really do is, well... dislike you or not accept you.

I used to struggle to even hold any eye contact with anyone even though im pre transition.

Im alot better now due to these kinds of techniques I learnt in counselling.

I feel alot better as my eyes meet others now, even though I was sure that the counselling wouldnt work ;)

Quote from: Seras on June 17, 2014, 06:57:08 PM
Tells girlfriend to go inside and enjoy herself -> Gets upset and angry that girlfriends goes in and enjoys herself.
Then you refuse to talk when she is asking whats up, because she cares about you. Instead you cut yourself.

She's my life partner, not my girlfriend :)

To clarify, I typed that in the wrong order. I told her to leave me in the car and enjoy herself, but they wouldn't let me stay in the car. And I definitely wasn't upset that she was enjoying herself. And also there is a lot more history than written here, so you probably won't ever understand my choice not to talk about how I was feeling. My presentation only played one part in why I was upset last night.

Debussy, here is what I'm seeing and hearing. Don't feel like I'm trying to criticize you - I'm not. But I would like to point out a few things.

First, pay a lot of attention to all the wonderful comments that are being posted. They are really very perceptive, and worth their weight in gold.

Second, on one hand you've got a partner and baby who need you. On the other hand, you say you can't provide because you don't know what you are - father or mother. Well, try being what ever you can be for them, instead of making all these excuses of why you can't. If you're baby cries, pick him up and cuddle him, rock him to sleep, change the diapers, sing a lullaby, whatever he needs. I don't know if I've ever heard of anyone drowning in so much self-need for attention, ready to blame someone or something else other than what's sitting right on their own shoulders. If you partner needs to talk, talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk, don't force it on her and don't blame her for being her and not wanting to talk! You want your marriage to work? Stop dwelling on yourself. How?

You've made it sound like all these problems are about you, and they're not all about you; the transition is about you, but your family is not about your transition. It really makes me wonder what the relationship was like BEFORE you decided to transition. If you'll immerse yourself in and focus on supporting the needs of your partner and baby, you'll have a lot less time thinking about what you need, and what your inadequacies are, and what everyone else thinks of you. Believe it or not, you might find that your partner and her family will really like the 'female' you, once they get to know her. Have you let her family do that? Of course not! For now, as someone else already pointed out, you're not letting them.

Do you have social anxiety? Try having your partner invite someone in her family over to your house for a very small gathering, instead of going to a big one. Push yourself to let them get to know you, without hiding. Do you have a friend that you feel comfortable around? Maybe there is a trans support group in your area. Get to know someone, and invite them over, after you feel comfortable being around them. You might find that if you see your partner accepts them, you'll feel more accepted by your partner, as well.

If hormones are causing uncontrollable emotions, you might consider cutting them back to a manageable level - at least until this crises is under control. With this new baby, you've got a lot going on. I'm not suggesting you halt transitioning altogether, although a lot of people do, and then restart, later. At least cutting back might be one way that would help getting your needs congruent with those of your wife, especially as long as all the pressure of the baby is ongoing.

Whatever happens, you have to face that your relationship might not survive - some do, some don't, and a lot of times it has nothing to do with transition - as your needs may change and be far removed from those of your partner, who I'm assuming you love so much. You need to accept that her needs are currently different than yours. Until you accept that yours and hers are presently different, there will definitely be problems. Would you like for some of your problems to just go away? Then accept it, and don't push your needs on her.

You've got a supportive partner, and how many TGs wouldn't give their left nut (excuse the pun) to have a wife who was as supportive as you describe? Recognize her for that, and let her know how much you appreciate it. There are plenty of partners/wifes who become downright nasty to their spouses, and they never change.

Q. Are you a 350 lb body builder with a bald head and voice that sounds like you should be singing bass for the Statler Brothers? If so, maybe you do have a reason to be stressed when you go out (in a dress)!

I don't know how much anxiety may be at the root of this, but if this is about unrelenting anxiety, try Lucinda Basset's Midwest Center's program on Attacking Anxiety (on CD or Cassette). That is a wonderful program that really works, and it can be had for very, very cheap (unlike back in my day), on Ebay.

One more thing - I know it's difficult for anyone to really understand everything that is going on, or all the dynamics that are involved. Sometimes, fault may lie squarely on the shoulders of the other party, but no one here can really know if that's the case, or not.

From what I see, it looks like things may be falling apart, but at the same time I think communication will mend a lot of your guys' issues if not all of them. She said she was hurting because of how you're hurting, which is a good sign.

My wife is MtF and I'm FtM, quite a few times we've fought about things due to the stress we both face on a daily basis, I say I don't think I can handle it anymore, and then the next day I feel fine with it all. This happens a lot, but your wife may be feeling the same way I have. She may just be venting all of her frustrations and saying things she doesn't quite mean. I would suggest having a therapist or friend help you two talk it out, the third person being there to try and calm down either of you if the conversation gets heated or things (figuratively or physically) start to get flung around. Even if it does end up that your relationship is ending, communication is the best way to know how your other half feels and to see if you two can work through it.

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/04/17/lie-truth-marriage/ <--- That article right there helped my wife and I a lot because we were (and somewhat still are) going through a very rough time, a rough time that can be completely normal and can pass if the marriage is meant to keep going.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time and I hope things get better soon. *hugs*

Quote from: VakarianPride on June 17, 2014, 09:15:27 PM
From what I see, it looks like things may be falling apart, but at the same time I think communication will mend a lot of your guys' issues if not all of them. She said she was hurting because of how you're hurting, which is a good sign.

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/04/17/lie-truth-marriage/ <--- That article right there helped my wife and I a lot because we were (and somewhat still are) going through a very rough time, a rough time that can be completely normal and can pass if the marriage is meant to keep going.

VakarianPride

Well said  The article captures the essence of being in love and being in a relationship.  Great advice.

Aisla

I'm going to jump on the tough love bandwagon.  I hear a lot of self pity and passive aggression from you, and a lot of patience and acceptance from her.

It sounds like you have some peripheral issues to work through in addition to the central GD issue. And I'd bet that much of what makes others uncomfortable is not necessarily trans-related, but the aura of self pity surrounding you.

You've mentioned spending a lot of time working on your issues. That's great, but it'll only get you so far working on yourself in a vacuum. It's time to put on your big girl pants, woman up, and focus on your family. Many of your issues will resolve themselves when you're focused on others. It sounds counterintuitive, but it's very true.

And you really cannot spend enough time expressing gratitude and appreciation to your wife. She sounds awesome! And that will go a long way in helping her feel better about you.

Did you have a lot of anxiety issues before starting HRT?

Debussy,

I can understand your wife's withdrawal - an infant will drain a mother physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If she was breast feeding, there's every chance she would have felt like a milk machine rather than as a woman, and it can take time for physical desire to come back - especially if she feels unattractive herself.

Add in what's going on in your life, and it's not surprising your marriage is struggling.  I think that there's been some wonderful advice, esp re: counselling - if you have a moderator, you both may have a chance of clearing the air.

Quote from: katiej on June 18, 2014, 01:03:43 AM
I'm going to jump on the tough love bandwagon.  I hear a lot of self pity and passive aggression from you, and a lot of patience and acceptance from her.

It sounds like you have some peripheral issues to work through in addition to the central GD issue. And I'd bet that much of what makes others uncomfortable is not necessarily trans-related, but the aura of self pity surrounding you.

You've mentioned spending a lot of time working on your issues. That's great, but it'll only get you so far working on yourself in a vacuum. It's time to put on your big girl pants, woman up, and focus on your family. Many of your issues will resolve themselves when you're focused on others. It sounds counterintuitive, but it's very true.

And you really cannot spend enough time expressing gratitude and appreciation to your wife. She sounds awesome! And that will go a long way in helping her feel better about you.

first off ,
I've never been married so take as you may. Your wife has no fault what so ever. this is totally a unilateral decision on your part that wasn't in the marriage contract. If she stays with you that's great , there is absolutely no blame on her part. She has a child and needs your help,