Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's my sad duty to announce that Nero has died. As of this time we have no details on the cause of death. On behalf of all the members of this site I offer our sincere condolences to Nero's family. He was a pillar of our community and  During his time here he has helped to save dozens of lives. We will all miss him.

I want to thank Jamie D for spreading the word.

QuoteSunday. 1:30 PM Pacific time

I talked to his mom within the past half hour.  She found him passed away in his bed this morning.  It may have been an overdose, I am not sure.  She was distraught. 

I don't know what to do.  When we last talked by phone, a couple of days ago, I could tell something was wrong.

With Nero's (FA) passing it is urgent that we fill the void left behind as soon as possible and so I have asked Cindy to step up and assume the helm of the forums. She has reluctantly accepted. It is important that we have someone who is able to handle the myriad of staff and administrative tasks these forums generate on a daily basis. Please offer her all possible support you can as she undertakes this daunting task.

This is deeply sad.

Nero, you were a wonderful, caring and passionate guy, I will miss you very much.

Hugs and love to all.

So sorry to hear this news - it's a dreadful loss. Thanks for letting us know.

My sincere condolences to his loved ones, and especially to his mother. I'm a mother too, and I can't imagine a greater pain. My heart goes out to her.

Nero touched many of our lives and his contribution to our community is greatly appreciated.

R.I.P.   :'(

Oh my God...

Deepest condolences to his family and may Your soul rest in peace, Nero...

I have something here that I would like to post. It was written by Jamie D, and I said I would share it in the hopes others would do the same, in remembrance:

QuoteMy friend, Nero

I lost a friend on Sunday.  His name was Nero.  His death was an accident and a tragedy.

We lose too many in our community.  What is particularly shocking to me is that he was one of the strong ones.  He seemed invincible.  He seemed like he had it under control.    But those of us in the community know that there are times when we each have been plunged into despair.  When that happened to me, he was there to offer a helping hand.  I was unable to do the same.

I can not tell you how painful this news is to me.  It is an emotional pain that strikes right to my core.  Nero was in pain too.  Physical pain.  But his spirit was troubled too.  You see, he cared about us.  He cared a lot, and when things weren't going well, he worried.  It wore on him.

Even if you did not know him well, you probably benefited from his guiding hand on this site.  This is a loss for all of us.

John Donne, the English cleric, wrote "Meditation XVII" in 1624.  In it he penned these lines:

No man is an island, entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less,
as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were:
any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.

What Donne was saying is that we humans are all connected.  This is especially true in our community.  It does not matter if the person who dies is great or small, their death is everyone's loss.  Ringing the church bells to announce a death is really just a reminder of our own mortality.  To me, that means we should be kind and caring to one another while we are still here.

To give you a little insight into the character of Nero, I recall this little poem he wrote and had in his signature box:

"I never cared for dogs,
until one cared for me.
Now I care for every dog I see."

I was one of Nero's dogs.  He cared enough to let me leave the site when I could not deal with the strife any longer, and cared enough to try and bring me back.  He cared for you all too, more than you probably know.

Good bye, my friend.  I will never forget you.  I will never stop loving you, brother.

...

Thank you, Jamie. I cannot find the words to express how I feel right now. Maybe soon, but not now. Heartbroken is an understatement.

My God. My heart goes out to his family and loved ones. May he rest in peace.

Because posts were lost since the last backup not all the replies were saved.

Quote from: Jamie D
I am in shock.  I tried to call him yesterday.  I called back within the hour and talked with his mother.

She found him in his bed this morning, passed away.

I felt something was wrong when I last talked to him a couple of days ago.  And his emails the past few days were very brief and terse.

He was one of my two best friends on the site.  Words can not describe how I am feeling right now.

Quote from: Sephirah
I just heard myself.

I don't even know what to say. It feels like a sledgehammer to the gut.

...

Wherever you are, Nero, rest in peace, my friend. I'll miss you so much. :'( :'(

Quote from: MyKa
I'm sorry to hear the bad news :(

Quote from: sad panda
Oh my god, what?

Seriously?

:(

Quote from: the old gray mare
oh god. That's terrible. I know he was going through a lot.

I'll definitely miss him.

Quote from: Jill F
*still crying*  He was a good friend and a beautiful soul.

Quote from: V M
Wow, just wow this hurts  :'(  Rest in peace dear Nero

Quote from: Hikari
Words fail me...

Quote from: Edge
WHAT?

Quote from: learningtolive
I can't believe I'm reading this.....  I really don't know what to say and how to process this.  There is so much I want to say and much I wish I could have said before this.

Nero, I doubt you can read this, but if you can I'm really going to miss you.  Seriously.  And I'm sorry.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel
Dude...what the hell???!!

How did this happen?

Could someone PM me or something because I am totally blown away by this.

Was something going on with him that he kept hush-hush or what?

Quote from: Susan
Nero and his family have our sincere condolences. We all share the pain of their loss. Nero was a pillar of our community and I can't even begin to estimate the number of lives that were saved through his contributions here.

If we can do anything to help you though your trying times please let us know.

Quote from: Ms Grace
I can't stop crying. Rest peacefully Nero, you awesome dude.

Quote from: Cindy
My dear friends.

This is terrible and shocking news.

We need to stand together today and hug each other.

If anyone at feels in anyway depressed and upset remember to seek help through the help lines

I too am deeply grieved by Nero's passing. A few weeks ago he had pm'd me and asked me to call, I did and we talked for the better part of an hour during which time he told me that he used to be a beautiful woman once but that he was miserably distraught and lonely since the passing of his partner some time back. I could sense his inner anguish and pain and I told him that I loved him for his kind and loving concern for the membership here at Susan's and I thanked him for being so open about himself, especially in terms of how he was able to refer back to his former self and discuss things like socialization as a female, much of which is invaluable as a reference for all the members here regardless of gender. I had the feeling that he heard me with his ears but that his heart was elsewhere as we spoke. I will miss him deeply. Goodbye Nero, dear sweet soul!

John Donne is one of my favorite of the romantic poets and it is right and fitting that he is quoted here.  Nero's passing is the second of us that I have known to leave this earth in the past week.  It is strange, my own mortality isn't a huge issue for me, but the death of those I've come to admire and cherish leaves me at a loss for words...  FA was not Jackie Gleason, but he still drove a bus of caring and of determination.  I shall cry for this community, his family and myself tonight.  Too many of us die way too young

Julie

I am devastated.  I feel his loss deeply.

As with many others, he touched me during my darkest hours and made my burden lighter.

To think that his voice is now silent reduces the light of the world.

Goodbye my friend.  Me deepest condolences to his friends and family.

-Sandy

I had a wonderful day today, buying new make-up and trying my girly trenchcoat look...had a wonderful evening till I finally managed to log back in (You were on maintainance?) and listening to a -how fitting- song called "Just be thankful for what you got"

I remember Nero from when when I was a wee newbie to the site in 2007, such a special person to talk with. I took a long break after that..did he eventually transition, I knew he struggled

Yeah...my, we'll miss you

HugsnLove,
Vivien

A loss is something we have come to see so many times in our great community.

Nero is now added to my list of lost brothers and sisters.

I am sad, angry.

Sad for the loss of someone so special and has helped so many.

Angry that this is still happening today with such great support available.

I still wonder why?

  >:( :( :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:

RIP my dear brother.

Isabell

Goodbye Nero.  We love you!  :-*

I would like to extend my most heartfelt condolences to Nero's family and to all of you who knew him.  I did not have the pleasure or honor of making his acquaintance.  It would seem to definitely be my loss.

You are all in my thoughts this day.

Hugs.

Dani

Rest in peace,God bless you Nero

Truly sad news! My deepest condolences to his family!

Nero and I go way back, long before either of us were Admins. We chatted a number of times when he was dealing with some hard times and needed to talk, after one such conversation, he started calling me "Mama Z", until I became Shana. He was always there for me when I needed support.

I will miss you, Dearest Nero!

Shana

I don't even know what to say.

Why must our community be so tortured with the pain of constant loss? :'(

I'll miss you, FA, you taught me so much when I got into that one argument with you over childhood socialization. You taught me to quit torturing myself with "what ifs" because in reality growing up as a girl ain't all the sunshine and roses I was imagining it to be.

Thank you for always being a voice of wisdom and experience.

Just got word in email from Shantel about this. Took a moment for it to register, like I was stunned. I didn't really know him, just by what I've read of his words in posts once in a while, but that was enough that my heart still felt like it froze up at hearing this news. I got used to seeing his name just as I do everyone here, and now I won't anymore. Maybe his next life will be better, that's all I can do is wish him a good journey.

I'm, in shock.. this can't be real.. FA is dead.. :( I didn't know him that well tbh but I am really saddened by this.. he was kind to me, though we didn't really speak much, but he was very kind, and, very understanding.. I can relate to what his family is going through and I feel for them. He was a very kind person and will truly be missed. A part of me wants to cry, if I could just press a button to release those tears, I'd do so right now.. :(

Thank you FA for all you did for me and others, R.I.P. you deserve it.

This is upsetting. I'm really going to miss him.

Why?  We are such a small community.  We needed his wisdom.  This is not right and should not be.  There is so much pain already.

Nero, you are already missed.

Love,

Jen

I never spoke to him much but I respected him for his strong personality and the overwhelming support he provided for the people who needed it.  Needless to say, this is awful news.

My condolences go out to his family and friends.

I didn't really know him so I won't be as bereaved as the others. Rest in peace, friend.

I am still reeling from this horrible news and am still mostly at a loss for words, but like that ever stopped me... 

The call I got from his mother yesterday will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I thought at first that it was him, as their voices had an eerie similarity.  When she ID'd herself as Nero's mother, I knew right away that something horrible had happened and my worst fear was realized.

I still feel as if I have failed him.  I tried with every ounce of my being to offer all the help I could give him in his darkest hours, but in the end I was unable to save him from the same demons that had plagued me for most of my life and had recently slain.  In many ways, we were peas in a pod, he was the yang to my yin and we were flip sides of the same coin.  We had spoken many times of the uncanny parallels our lives.  I loved hearing his take from someone coming from the other direction.

The fact was that Nero had an incredibly difficult life that was rife with suffering and loss, and I am honored to have known him for the short time that I was allowed.  As he was bereft of both of his sisters and missed them dearly, I had declared him to be my honorary adopted brother, and in turn, he began to shed his defenses and really open up to me.  I now wish I could have been there more toward the end.  I know there was more he wanted to tell me, but now it is something that I will never get to hear.

I will never forget you, Nero, my brother.

"I may have nothing, but in all my dreams I am King of the World"  -Nero "FA" Walker

Just a hug for you Jill

Be at peace, brother.

This is heartbreaking. I did not know him well, but I always enjoyed his posts and felt that he was an amazing person who contributed so very much to this community.

What a shame.

Wow, such sad news, i met nero through him taking over the duties of news forum admin.

:(

What a terrible loss, not just to Susan's Place and our membership but to the whole world.

Nero fought demons years ago and won. We should rejoice in the years that we had with him.

Rest in Peace, dear friend.

Suddenly, I am remembering Debbie, too.

We have lost too many.

Robyn

I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Nero as well as others did, but always gained insight from his posts. Truly a loss to the community and humanity.
Rest easy, brother.

I had a few off line interaction with Nero, and he always demonstrated to be a kind gentleman ! He will be missed, and remember warmly !

I sent a message of condolence to his mum, she replied with this:

Thank you so much. I tried to get on Susan's but my computer is outdated the plugins wouldn't work. Everyone there meant a lot to him. Susan's supported him years ago, and I think he gave back a tremendous amount. He was planning to start art school again in the fall, he still had hope. I keep thinking about what I could have done to help him. I am devastated by his passing. Rest in Peace my Lovely One.

Oh Cindy.  I didn't know him at all and my eyes keep tearing up.  I am so sorry for his mum's, yours and everyone's loss here.  What a day. 

I remember back when Nero hung around the androgyne forum. I identified as an androgyne at that time and we were both trying to figure out who we are. He provided many insights and thoughtful conversations in that forum. Unfortunately as time went on he and I got busy with other things and we drifted apart. He was a good forum admin, fair but firm, and he will be greatly missed by many.

Nero's posts got me through a lot of rough spots since I joined. My thoughts go out to his loved ones. This is heartbreaking.

My experience with Nero has had it's ups and downs, but all in all I really liked him and thought highly of him.  Besides being the admin around here, he could be a geniunely nice guy behind the scenes.  I've always been grateful for some of the things he said and did and feel appreciative of all of that.   Even though I didn't know him quite as well as some of the more established members here, I've seen him extend his heart and know his was a legit good guy.  Sadly, we did clash at times and it was never fully resolved on my part despite his attempts to make it right.  Nero, I'm sorry for being a selfish bitch towards the end and not being the friend you deserved.  I was petty and unfair to you when there was no reason for me to hold a grudge.  I regret that.  And I'm sorry for not being a good friend and caring more about my personal ego.  I so wish I could change things and make them right for you.  We may not have been the closest on here, but I did care a lot about you and it really hurts to know we won't ever interact again.   I'll really miss you and am so sorry for everything.

I also want to note, that Nero was one of the members that I remember before joining.  I used to lurk back in 2008-2009 when I was initially planning my transitioning.  Even though I didn't join here until 2013 and start my transition until that time, he was one of the members that helped me despite us not knowing one another.  I read his posts and for some reason it made me feel better to know that there is a way to make it past transition drama.  Thank you for that, Nero.  And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

Quote from: Cindy on July 14, 2014, 05:26:35 PM
I sent a message of condolence to his mum, she replied with this:

Thank you so much. I tried to get on Susan's but my computer is outdated the plugins wouldn't work. Everyone there meant a lot to him. Susan's supported him years ago, and I think he gave back a tremendous amount. He was planning to start art school again in the fall, he still had hope. I keep thinking about what I could have done to help him. I am devastated by his passing. Rest in Peace my Lovely One.

OK that is it. It's time to break down a little. :'( God when are we gonna' stop losing brothers and sisters?

Rest in peace Nero.

This is very sad.

I just heard today about Nero.

I'm shocked and sad.  Nero was a very good person, he will be missed.

Difficult to find words.  God's Peace.

It's just bull->-bleeped-<-. Whatever. RIP hon.

Whilst I did not know Nero personally or ever talk to him this saddens me deeply. I have read some of his posts and he seemed like a very intellectual, caring, and great person. I'm sure he has helped many and has contributed to the community vastly. My condolences go out to his family and anyone who is grieving over the loss of him. Farewell...

I didn't know him personally. May he rest in peace and positive thoughts and prayers to his family and friends.

Oh no...  God, no...  FA... Nero...this news, was not the first I wanted to see, with the site back up..   I am sad, beyond words.  Dearest brother.  Tho we conversed little, I read into your soul, thru your cries here.  I can not begin to fathom the pain you have felt all this time.  Your heart, your wisdom and your warmth, your humor, your joys and your sorrows you shared with us. You kept the peace, tho there was turmoil within.  You kept us in line, tho you were wavering yourself. 

We might say, we understand.  We might say, we could have helped.  We might ask, how could you take yourself from those that love you.  But we will not understand, we might not have helped, but we would have tried.  And we will be angry, that you left us. 

But Love is what we had for you.  Compassion, is what we felt for you.  Sadness, and sorrow, is what we feel, that we could not be there.  To help, when you needed it most.  Rest well, my weary brother.  May you be numbered, among Gods angels. In a place of Light, where there is no pain, nor, sorrow, nor mourning.

Just.. sad beyond words.

wow, I am in shock. I don't know what to say. Farewell. A real friend to non-binary folks.

My condolences.

*lights candle*

I'm sorry to hear of his passing. I never interacted with him personally, but I have read many of his posts. It is sad to see somebody who has done so much for this community, and the world really pass. I will be keeping his family in my thoughts.

I was so happy the site was back up but now... I thought many times about PMing him. I was sort of in awe of him and never really worked up the nerve. I wanted to know him. I could tell he was struggling with stuff. This is such a great loss.

My thoughts go out to his family and that includes those of you here who have grown close.

gobsmacked. so sad.
heartfelt condolences to his family.

The backup seems to have eaten my post. I gotta be a part of this thread though.

I didn't interact with Nero a lot. He sent the following to me once as part of a PM that I never replied to and I think I'm regretting my absentmindedness:

Quote
I like your posts.  :)

And I liked yours Nero. I'll miss em' and you. Godspeed.

Quote from: learningtolive on July 14, 2014, 06:07:57 PMNero was one of the members that I remember before joining.  I used to lurk back in 2008-2009 when I was initially planning my transitioning.  Even though I didn't join here until 2013 and start my transition until that time, he was one of the members that helped me despite us not knowing one another.  I read his posts and for some reason it made me feel better to know that there is a way to make it past transition drama.  Thank you for that, Nero.  And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

This also applies to me (almost) word-for-word (I lurked here for many years, but could not admit anything to myself until 2013). 

I read many posts by FA before finding out he was the same FatAdmin whose words I had been reading for years.

The tears welling up are partly for the loss, but, since I never made an opportunity to speak with Nero personally, also for fear that death may once again seem like the only way out for me.

P may have removed my depression, but that just allows me a little strength to navigate some of the many terrifying moments that I need to face.  It does not remove the fear.

Nero's posts have been a rock with which to steady myself.  I will miss seeing him here.

Quote from: TessaMarie on July 15, 2014, 12:07:06 AM
 
The tears welling up are partly for the loss, but, since I never made an opportunity to speak with Nero personally, also for fear that death may once again seem like the only way out for me.

No sweet pea, that is not an option. 

You contact me ANY TIME you want to.  I look at this site constantly from about 5 pm to midnight Pacific time.  And I know without a doubt that any of the ladies here would ask you to do the same.

You have a right to be who you are and no one can take that away.  Are there challenges?  You bet.  Every lady here has a story or two they could share about the mountains they have faced in their road. 

You have been blessed with a uniqueness that only a few share.  Smile and know that you are not alone.

Dani

 I know I haven't posted much here I do read most of the posts. From the posts I read from him he was a gliding light to a lot of people here. We will miss you Nero.
Like many others I am fighting back tears at reading this.

R.I.P. Nero

So very, very sad.  FA you kept us sane and secure with your care and support. You are such a loss, but we are the richer for having known you. 

Aisla

T_T

Although I never interacted much with him directly, I always found his posts insightful.  I am going to miss his presence here.

My heartfelt condolences to his family - you raised a fine gentleman.

Luna

A sad day indeed, may he rest in peace.

Quote from: christopher on July 14, 2014, 11:35:29 PM
I thought many times about PMing him. I was sort of in awe of him and never really worked up the nerve.

Never feel shy about contacting the staff, we are all ordinary everyday (reasonably) unscary people and appreciate hearing from members... makes the job all that more worthwhile. :)

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 15, 2014, 07:16:36 AM
Never feel shy about contacting the staff, we are all ordinary everyday (reasonably) unscary people and appreciate hearing from members... makes the job all that more worthwhile. :)

You know Ms Grace. I would like to thank all of the staff members from Susan all the way across the board for helping, listening, providing a safe place for us and everything else you guys do. A big thanks.

And a big thanks for Nero that hepled so many along the way.

I couldn't get onto the site yesterday.  Today I did get on, and found this horrible news.  Sadness does not begin to convey the feeling of loss.  The interactions I had with FA were beneficial.

RIP Brother, you will be sorely missed.


Erin

I didn't know him personally but enjoyed and learned from reading his posts and the discussions they started. Condolences to his family and friends.

rest in peace. i hope the last few years were good. we didn't talk much, but when we did, he seemed very nice.

This week I lost a friend.

He was a special person, and our friendship was complicated and unique and I feel moved to talk about it. It is a comfort that many people here were also friends of his. A lot of you will understand what I say about him.

I originally was going to post this to my blog. But perhaps others would like a place where we can share memories of Nero among people whose lives he touched.

He sought me out at as a friend. At the start I was vaguely afraid of him, knowing his standing among people of this site, and his "angry" avatar pic didn't help. But he saw in me a unique, interesting soul, and took it upon himself to send me PMs asking about my life and my feelings.

As we became friends, I learned how cautious and private he was. I got very few details about his life. Even when he passed, more than a year into our friendship, I didn't know what part of the country he lived in, what he looked like, or what he sounded like. I gave him my number but he was reluctant to talk to me voice to voice. He was afraid of saying something wrong.

He showed me some of his writing. He was fascinated by disappearances and mysteries – the real life kind that require research and documenting. He told me about his interest in fashion (like so many other details in his life, it didn't seem to fit into the rest of the picture).

And as we got to know each other, he shared the horrors of a shattered life, when he lost his partner and several members of his partner's family in rapid succession, leaving him suddenly alone and adrift. He also shared some glimpses of his life before transition – a story of someone whose uncertainty and lack of confidence drove him to do things he later was not proud of.

I wonder whether his pre-transition days scarred him more than he would admit, even to himself. Recently I read some posts and he sent me some PMs which led me to believe that the expectations placed on him as a female were traumatic and infuriating and that the anger and helplessness still haunted him.

Before my transition, he spent a lot of time discussing whether I was transitioning for the right reasons. Though he was two decades younger than I was, I think he saw this as a fatherly move, and it was motivated by concern. Later, as I was thinking of SRS, he tried to do the same thing, making sure I had adequately thought through my decision. By that time, though, I think there were too many distractions for him to focus. Several times he apologized for not holding up his end of the discussion.

These talks culminated in a skype chat which started out as a discussion of my SRS motives, but ended up about the lack of a close friend in his life. I felt closer to him after that chat, and I held out hope that he would reach out to me as someone who could provide an ear and a heart. But he pulled back. As much as he liked the idea of being close friends with a woman, at that point he had grown sufficiently uncomfortable socially that it just frightened him too much.

Nero's tragedy, in my opinion, is that he never valued himself. He was a bright, creative, sensitive person – all of this he knew – but he could never see how his gifts benefited the world. He was the public face for the administration of the site. Yes, although we all know Susan owns it, we never saw much of her. She'd usually surface only with some vital announcement. But Nero was always here. You'd never know when one of his caring posts would show up in one of your threads. He touched thousands of lives, and probably saved several dozen through the years, but it was hard to get him to project any pride or self-appreciation based on these accomplishments.

I can't help but think that this more than anything shortened his life. If he had loved himself as much as he deserved, he would have taken better care of the health of the body that kept his soul alive. It is horrible and painful to think that he couldn't bring himself to see himself in that way. As much as anyone I know, he deserved to be loved and well taken care of.

I'm upset and shaken. Nero, I will miss you and will always remember you.

May he now be at peace

As a new person on these boards, I did not know him.  But I did read many of his posts.  He certainly seemed like a caring person.  I have something like 9 posts on this forum, but I've read about 9,000.  FA's included.  I remember a post thread recently where he talked about how posts that someone makes now can help many, many people that read them in the future.  I am sure that will be true of his posts as well. 

Kim

Oh god no. I knew he was in a bad place, but I never imagined this. How can this be?

He's gone and we had conversations we didn't even finish and there is nothing and I ->-bleeped-<-ing hate this world sometimes.

I feel like I should say something and I want to say something, but the words won't come. I feel angry with myself because I wasn't as much of a support to him as I wish I could have been. I feel like I want to cry, but nothing's coming out.

Just found out about this. So tragic. My thoughts and prayers are with his family and I hope he is at peace.

Doing my best to be brave and carry on, but this has been a hard pill to swallow and the water works keep blurring up my eyes and I have to keep tissue handy... Not sleeping much

This is terribly sad.  I wish strength to his family.

Sadly I never reached out to him in a way beyond responding to posts. I almost sent him a PM a little while back when everybody seemed to be jumping down his throat for saying what he felt and experienced in his life. I wanted to tell him I wasn't offended by his posts and he spoke a lot of truth about the way women are treated in society. But the reason I didn't send it was I figured that he had plenty of people telling him the same thing.
But I'm really not just saying this because of what has happened. I did enjoy his posts a lot of what he spoke about the way women are treated resonated with me. When I saw that he had made a new thread I always made sure to read it. I found him to be a very interesting person I wish I had reached out to him beyond just responding to posts.

Holy. Crap. I did not expect this.

When I first came to Susan's, and was feeling overwhelmed by it all, he was one of the very first people to reach out to me. Although we hadn't conversed recently, I still appreciate what he did. And it seems he did the same for others. He will most definitely be missed.

Goodbye, Nero. May you rest in peace.

Nero was my friend for six years. Almost exactly six years. Ever since I first joined the site, we hit it off and were firm friends ever since. Throughout that time we shared laughter and tears, hopes and fears, joy and sadness. He was more than a friend. He was a kindred spirit. Someone I love dearly, even still. He was the one constant in an ever shifting Susan's environment.

Those six years have impacted me for an entire lifetime. It is hard for me to write this. Part of me still can't believe he's gone. I look back over the last correspondence we shared and I smile and cry at the same time. He would not want anyone to feel sad. He cared for everyone here more than any of you probably know. This site reflected his soul. He felt a deep sense of wanting to be there for people. To make sure they had a place to be themselves. To find what he himself found when he came here. A refuge.

He did not have an easy life. He experienced things that would have broken many. But somehow, he got through. Somehow he kept going. Kept being a rock for others. Giving of himself so that others may find solace from their own pain. This was testament to the kind of man he was.

His hero was Admiral Nelson. He always tried to measure himself against such a lofty figure and felt he came up short. I can tell you... he didn't. He displayed greatness in different ways. His depth of emotion, his compassion, his sense of duty and fairness... Nero had a strength of character which set him apart. He was one of the most charismatic people I ever knew. And when he really opened up, when you got to see the man behind the profile, you knew you were in the presence of someone special.

We did not always see eye-to-eye, but when it came down to it, we always saw heart-to-heart. He was someone who valued honesty above all things. Someone who bared his soul, more in private than publically, and encouraged others to do the same. You always knew where you were with Nero. He said what he meant, and how he felt. There was never a need to read between the lines. Because of this, because of his straightforward nature, when he said he cared, you knew he meant it. Yet at the same time he had the soul of a poet. And when in the mood, he could do things with words that left me breathless. I once compared him to the poet Lord Byron. And always nagged him to write more.

I have tried to find a piece of writing which expresses how I feel, what I want to say... but I couldn't. So, I wrote something myself. I wish I could find a better way to say what he meant to me but...

To Nero

You dreamed a life filled with success,
Of being something more than you were,
Master of a destiny forged by your own hand,
A future of hope and ambition.

You thought you'd failed.

The past, a demon, battled endlessly,
Bitter memories lived over and over,
Regret, fear and self-doubt were your captors,
A prison of your mind.

You thought you had nothing to offer.

But what you never knew, through it all,
The light you gave to others, souls you touched,
Sheltered, nurtured, encouraged, believed in,
Made you more than you ever dreamed possible.

You are, and forever will be a part of my soul, my heart and my memory.

I love you and I will miss you. Now, and always.

Your friend,

Lauren.

I feel just like you do Suzi. Nero and I butted heads for a while then one night I called him and had a lot of the realizations you did. We talked for over three hours that first night and shared several more calls afterward. Every time I interacted with him I found yet another reason to accept and understand all he had gone through in life. Our friendship got stronger as time went by and I understood then it was not anger, but pain controlling his life. I found a new respect for him. I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much.  :'(

I came to this website about three years ago at the start of my transition when I was pre-everything and I stayed here for about 6 months before I found it too much to cope with. On my attempted departure, Nero and I corresponded by PM several times and he was kind enough to tell me some of his story and how he coped with things, so I stayed for a while longer until I felt the walls closing in again and then he and I had a longer set of PMs before I actually departed.

I was shocked when I saw the headline. He deserved better.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 15, 2014, 12:03:19 PM
I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much.  :'(

Jessica, do not blame yourself. If you had been there I have no doubt that you would have done your best, but none of us can live by the phone day and night.

While I no longer really post or even log onto Susan's any more, the news of Nero's passing has shocked me. My condolences go out to his family and friends. May he be resting in peace.

I didn't know FA like some of the members that have shared some eloquent posts of insight. No interaction on posts, but I did read all that I saw of FA's messages. I appreciated & respected he was a real straight shooter. He is so wonderful with everyone. I felt his pain in his personal losses & sensed he was going through some tortured times. The news of his passing seems unexpected & for that it is shocking. For me living a full life in my 70's it always hurts to hear someone passing young & before their time. May we keep in our hearts FA's caring contributions to Susan's and the members. Rather than be sad (we are human & it is hard not to be sad) I like to remember all the good in a person & Celebrate their life! R.I.P.
Love
Jamie

I cared about Nero an awful lot, and I am pretty sure that he was one of the very first posters I started following back when I was a lurker. I have so much respect for the person that he was and for all that he overcame. I've had a really hard time dealing with this, it just seems so terribly unfair. Seeing some of the stuff he wrote over the last little while often made me dread that one day, I'd log in and find a post like this one, saying that he was no longer with us. He's had his struggles but he was such a good and kind person. I feel like so often he held himself to this impossible standard and beat himself up when he thought he didn't meet it. I wonder if he truly ever knew how much he meant to everyone in his life and how much we thought of him.

I read through some of his older posts last night and it just breaks my heart. I don't know how I feel about an afterlife, but I'm hoping that if there is one Nero gets the opportunity to see how many lives he has touched and how much we all cared for him. I also hope that he is finally at peace.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 15, 2014, 12:03:19 PM
I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much.  :'(

That is so sad, Jessica, and I'm sure that this makes this even harder for you than it would have been otherwise. As someone else said, you can't blame yourself for this. If you need anyone to talk to about this, please contact me.

I didn't know him well, but from what I'd read he seemed like a really great guy.  I'm really sorry to hear this...

I don't read many threads on here but am saddened to hear of his passing. I hope his soul finds peace. And that we learn from his wisdom / his life story / so that his pain was not for nothing. He touched the lives of many; so they may benefit and touch the lives of others. Karma spreads in mysterious and sad ways.
Rest in peace

Like many, I read far more than I post. I remember being moved by posts from FA. This loss is certainly tragic. My heart goes out, especially to his family on and off Susan's Place.

Oh god, this is terrible. My heart goes out to his loved ones. I didn't know him well but FA always seemed like a deeply caring person. Sad sad news

Got this email from Jamie D today:

I received today a tearful phone call from Nero's mom.  She is looking to find a voice recording of Nero.

Some time ago, he made a very short, poor video for me.  I will try to find it, but I have closed many of my video and audio service accounts.  I may no longer have access to it.

Did any of you, who talked with Nero on a regular basis, keep a voice mail or recording of a skype conversation?  If so, are you able to retrieve it?  Perhaps you may be able to post something to this effect on the boards.  I know he talked with many of the members by phone and skype.

I sent her an email earlier today.  I hope to get details of his funeral services.  I will pass the information along if I find out anything.  She did say Sunday evening that he was going to be taken back to Ohio.

Apparently my new account got closed or caught up in the system crash, so I could not send this by PM.

Best regards,
Jamie

I'm late in arriving here, but I just got the news about Nero. I still can't believe he's gone.

He welcomed me into his Unicorn Forest, as he described the androgyne board, as I identified as androgyne at first. Nero was always a great supporter of me, even when I screwed up. He was one of many whom I'd hoped to actually meet IRL one day, and now that will never happen.

Goodbye, Nero my love. You were my brother, and I will always treasure my memories of you.

Safe passage, and Blessed be.

Quote from: Shantel on July 15, 2014, 02:46:37 PM
Got this email from Jamie D today:

I received today a tearful phone call from Nero's mom.  She is looking to find a voice recording of Nero.

Some time ago, he made a very short, poor video for me.  I will try to find it, but I have closed many of my video and audio service accounts.  I may no longer have access to it.

Did any of you, who talked with Nero on a regular basis, keep a voice mail or recording of a skype conversation?  If so, are you able to retrieve it?  Perhaps you may be able to post something to this effect on the boards.  I know he talked with many of the members by phone and skype.

I sent her an email earlier today.  I hope to get details of his funeral services.  I will pass the information along if I find out anything.  She did say Sunday evening that he was going to be taken back to Ohio.

Apparently my new account got closed or caught up in the system crash, so I could not send this by PM.

Best regards,
Jamie

I have one.  Unfortunately, it was only one word. 

"Hello?"

I seem to have deleted the rest, but he wasn't one for lengthy VMs anyway.

Rest in peace Nero

  RIP Nero. We will miss you.

  Joelene

Nero... I wasn't going to post in this thread. I felt I didn't really have a right to, as it feels like we barely knew each other, and our interactions weren't always the best. I also felt that whatever I had to say is too late now that you're gone.

We had just started to talk again. I had hoped we would become friends. One of the last PMs he sent, just a day or so before his passing, was to check on me. It meant a lot to me that he cared enough to do that for me.

I miss you, Nero. I wish I had been better to you. I wish I had gotten to know you as well as so many others who have posted here did. I wish I had tried to help you in some way...

I'll always remember you. Thank you for caring about me, even when I didn't deserve it.

:'(

I just heard about Nero a couple hrs ago.
We were at odds with each other more than a couple times.
Despite that, and at those times I would never admit to this, but he had my respect.
I never talked with him much, just the ground rules that kept me from being permanently banned.

I kept my Facebook account separate from here, two different places, two different sets of rules.
It got all mixed up for me for awhile, they weren't as separate as they once were.
But once I got through with the problems I was having by the crossovers that were made, things seemed better.
But Facebook has a way of being heartless at times, it brings out some of the worst at times.
I ended up having to block some people there, I couldn't just un-friend them, I didn't want to read their comments.
I was able to keep the two places better separated after that...
I settled back into being here and not having to think about all of that stuff that had gone on.

Nero surprised the crap out of me one day not long after that with a PM that meant a lot to me.
He was no longer FA, but was who I had grown to like a lot, years ago, he was Nero again.
That might not seem like much, but this is how it is.
It made me really happy that I could see Nero in my mind, remembering things long past.
That's who he was. A simple gesture and it meant so much to me. He made me smile that day.
So his passing is so very sad, and yah, it hurts to hear the news.
But I'm also reminded of how easily he made me smile that day and why.
Rest in peace, Nero.
Ativan

I was so saddened when I first heard about this,  I didn't even know what to say. I guess I still don't, except that in the very short time I knew him here, it was obvious that he was just the kind of person whose perspective is so badly needed in this world.  Like MacG, I was inspired by his thoughtful posts even though I didn't interact with him much. My deepest condolences to his friends and loved ones, I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm so sorry.

Rest in peace, Nero.

I haven't been around in awhile. Life has been rather busy for me. However, I did hear through the grapevine about Nero passing and wanted to stop by. He and I weren't close but I did enjoy conversations with him outside of the forums. I was shocked and saddened to hear of his passing. Words fail me with things of this nature. I do send my condolences to all who were close to him. Farewell Nero, I wish you the peace that often alluded you on this Earth. Until we meet again, goodnight.

Perhaps all theses post could be shared with Nero's family to impress just how many people's life were impacted by his caring personality...

Nero's mom made an account for here.

I heard this sad news from Cindy through Facebook while I could not connect to Susan's for several days.
It is shocking, considering Nero's long time dedication to this site and his warm and thoughtful personality.
Whatever the reason was, my deep condolence goes to his unfinished life.

barbie~~

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 15, 2014, 08:53:11 AM
At the start I was vaguely afraid of him, knowing his standing among people of this site, and his "angry" avatar pic didn't help.  what he looked like,

That's very sad news, I feel privileged now that I actually remember how Nero looked, when i joined 7 years ago, Nero briefly has his original avatar photo, he was a small handsome guy with lovely innocent eyes with a big heart, his eyes to me was his main feature, it didn't match his ''angry'' avatar, I always thought if a thread was started on avatars, I was going to ask him about it, I guess now I'II never know, he'll certainly leave a big empty space here.
May he rest in peace.
p

I remember Nero being here a long time. He was mostly sweet to me anytime we ever interacted, which wasn't often, but still is a shock since I have been following/using this site for roughly 10 yrs.

Sad news indeed. I heven't been on in a while, but I will never forget him.

Sarah

.

R.I.P.

The love we have for you will last to eternity.

:icon_cry2: 

My heart goes out to everyone on the forum and to Nero too.

I am so sorry to hear this news this morning.

This is terribly sad news. I never knew Nero personally, but like others here I read many of his posts. Often I found his remarks right on the money, and now I wish that I'd just taken the 2 minutes to let him know that his comments were appreciated.

And reading through the posts in this thread, it's plain as day that there is an incredible amount of love for the man. Nero truly touched the lives of so many people here and now we have lost him... I wonder if he even knew how big an impact he had? I know that he will be dearly missed.

Goodbye Nero, rest in peace.

Oh my, this is nothing  short of tragic, I always thought of him as one who has had it together and was a shining example and a piller for the community, He did so much for so many, including myself,  I'm am saddened by finding this out, my condolences to his mother and I hope that he finds peace the other side which eludes so many here.
We loose to many, here,  and e has left a void that can never be filled, 

RIP  :( :icon_cry:

Quote from: pretty pauline on July 16, 2014, 05:40:18 PM
Nero briefly has his original avatar photo, he was a small handsome guy with lovely innocent eyes with a big heart, his eyes to me was his main feature, it didn't match his ''angry'' avatar

Indeed. Nero once sent me a link to a very private vid he'd captured with his web cam. It wasn't that the vid was racy or offensive. It was that he was really shy and was thinking of doing vlog posts. He looked rather embarrassed and couldn't stop laughing.

I'll always think of the smiling man in that vid rather than Jackie Gleason shaking his fist.

Quote from: Constance on July 18, 2014, 12:22:22 PM

Quote from: pretty pauline on July 16, 2014, 05:40:18 PM
Nero briefly has his original avatar photo, he was a small handsome guy with lovely innocent eyes with a big heart, his eyes to me was his main feature, it didn't match his ''angry'' avatar

Indeed. Nero once sent me a link to a very private vid he'd captured with his web cam. It wasn't that the vid was racy or offensive. It was that he was really shy and was thinking of doing vlog posts. He looked rather embarrassed and couldn't stop laughing.

I'll always think of the smiling man in that vid rather than Jackie Gleason shaking his fist.

Do you still have the video? I believe his mother is looking for things like that.

I have been a member here since late 2008, and Nero was a part of the family here that I always enjoyed reading and learning from.  The quotation from John Donne is almost heartbreakingly appropriate for the person I knew through his work here.  Some have described him as being physically small, but the size of a heart does not always reflect that of a body it is in, it more deeply puts forth the greatness of the person's spirit. 

First Matt Kailey, then another senior in our trans male community, and now this-- all within 3 months  :(
I didn't know Nero, I knew Matt since some years.
I just came here a month ago or so. Nero's posts caught my eye and I was hoping to talk to him about some experiences that we seemed to share.
This is all a bit too much  :(

Quote from: Susan on July 18, 2014, 04:08:33 PM
Indeed. Nero once sent me a link to a very private vid he'd captured with his web cam. It wasn't that the vid was racy or offensive. It was that he was really shy and was thinking of doing vlog posts. He looked rather embarrassed and couldn't stop laughing.

I'll always think of the smiling man in that vid rather than Jackie Gleason shaking his fist.


Do you still have the video? I believe his other is looking for things like that.

Unfortunately no. He told me to delete the link as he was going to pull it offline shortly after I viewed it.

Oh no.   :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

So sorry to hear this news, my condolences to his family and to you all. Hope he has found the peace he seemed to long for.

Quote from: Constance on July 18, 2014, 07:00:44 PM
Unfortunately no. He told me to delete the link as he was going to pull it offline shortly after I viewed it.

Perhaps if the video can't be found that you could type up or some way to communicate what the video had in it and what was said, then Susan can give it to his mom?

My condolences.

Rest in peace Nero

My condolences to all who knew Nero.

I'm so shocked....and really sad. Such an awesome guy, this place isn't gonna be the same without him.

I keep coming back to this.

Nero is gone.

We trans folks are a broken people.  It starts with the schism between our bodies and our minds.  And the inability of society, friends, and family to accept us.  Indeed, for us to even accept ourselves.  We spend our lives in darkness and depression.  Drugs, alcohol and other various addictions are our only way of dealing with the pain.

This is not news to you.  You others on this list trying to cope in some way with your own darkness.  You feel trapped and, in many cases, without hope.  How many times have you been to the edge?  How many times have you thought seriously, incessantly, of oblivion being the better alternative to a life of torture?  Our suicidal ideations and actions are not cries for help, but serious, deliberate need to be gone.

We have all gone to the edge of the abyss and looked over, feeling that taking that one step would cure all our woes.

And even those of us, who through supreme effort, triumph over seemingly insurmountable obstacles, still can faintly hear the Siren's call.  To say "->-bleeped-<- you!" to the world.  To take the most selfish step of all.  To deprive the world of their presence.

Nero succumbed to that call.  Because at the very bottom of it all, the schism is never really healed. 

We will never be given the life we should have had.  The experiences, the opportunities, the absolute and ->-bleeped-<-ing NORMAL life we have been deprived of by a precocious and uncaring universe.  We can never father or birth children.  Or have any of the experiences growing up as we should have been.  We can only, at best, make do.  Change our lives as much as we can and try to convince ourselves that that is good enough.  For that is all it will ever be.

And, even though times are changing and it is immensely easier and better for us to be accepted by society and to change our bodies and our lives, it is still a cruelly humiliating process.  We have to prove what is unprovable but we know to be true to our very core.  We are because we say we are.

I have known Nero from my earliest days here.  To me he was a core facet of the magic that is Susan's.  That magic is lessened with his passing.

I know no better eulogy for this man, than to say, he enriched us all.

Quote from: Sandy on July 19, 2014, 09:35:13 AM
Nero succumbed to that call.  Because at the very bottom of it all, the schism is never really healed. 

A beautiful post, but the only thing I want to point out is, I've not heard how FA died. So unless you know something I don't then, the only thing I can say is, how do you know for sure he gave up, when it could have been something else?

I'm only mentioning this because FA was a good man, even though I knew him little and I don't want any false info going around about how he died. Let's respect FA as much as possible people.

Shana-chan

Sandy, beautiful post and I understand that size that doesn't heal, and even though I have completed my journey that size have left an unseen scar that will forever be there. I do not know how or what or why Nero has went to the next life, and while I am curious to know I am sure he would love your post. I do hope he is in a much happier and a load has been lifted from him, and that in this afterlife he can be Copley happy and without the size we all share.
Again RIP my brother I will never forget you or the hole that now reside to take your place. Nor will all the others you loved and helped and the ones who loved you.

Good bye Nero.  Your life is a blessing to all of us that learned from you.

Sandy -- I hear what you are saying because I came to this site only a few weeks after a failed suicide mission in my life. Nero answered one of my first posts when I was still not sure of what or where my real path was to go and gave me the time it took to read it and think about it. Even with our feelings of wrongness and ideas that persist, there is still the fact that all of us will live the same length of time -- we all live our LIFETIME, and not one bit longer, and it is what we have done that affected others for the better, even if their lifetimes vary in solar time lapse from ours that truly matter.  One moment of ease given to another adds to your greatest LIFETIME of all!! 

I am sorry to hear this sad news. Rest in peace, Nero.

MaryEllen

I am so very sorry to hear this. Please accept my condolences. We have all suffered a great loss. Nero was one of the first FTM's who really was there for me in my early days here on the forum. We will all miss him dearly.

Edit: This is hitting me so hard. He really helped me when I needed it, and I never got to tell him how much that help meant to me. I just wish I would have told him how much his beautiful words helped me.................. :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:

RIP Nero, Your battle is won. :icon_bunch:
Allie  :icon_cry: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry:

All I can think to say is that I'm sorry to hear about the lost of Nero. I hope that his mother and loved ones can get through these trying times and remember all the good time with him.

Reaver

Quote from: Shana-chan on July 18, 2014, 11:30:51 PM
Perhaps if the video can't be found that you could type up or some way to communicate what the video had in it and what was said, then Susan can give it to his mom?

Very well...

It was not long after I shared my first vlog post here on Susan's, back in January 2013. Nero sent me a private message asking me to view a video he'd made and posted online. He made me swear that I wouldn't share the link with anyone and would delete it after I watched it.

In that short clip, only a handful of minutes in length, I saw a smiling man in a T-shirt. There was nothing to be heard, but he looked as if he was laughing. The smile on his face seemed to have a childlike quality: simultaneously joyous and embarrassed. He kept looking into the camera, laughing, and looking away. His smile and laugh were so charming, I couldn't help but smile and laugh with him.

This is how I will always remember Nero.

He sent me a picture quite awhile ago, been trying to find it

He was sitting in a recliner and looking happy

Nero's obituary was published yesterday:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/starnewsonline/obituary.aspx?n=nero-joseph-walker&pid=171780042
There is a link on that page to a guest book.

It has been a few years since I've visited Susan's, but when I heard that Nero had passed, I felt compelled to pass on my condolences to his family and all the members of Susan's.  He was a mainstay, and tireless, long time member, who helped so many of us us, both past and present.  He will be missed.

Quote from: Daisyboyard on July 20, 2014, 12:06:18 PM
Nero's obituary was published yesterday:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/starnewsonline/obituary.aspx?n=nero-joseph-walker&pid=171780042
There is a link on that page to a guest book.

Thank you for posting this.  Almost as soon as I tried writing something for the guest book, I found myself weeping.  Still crying now.

From the first time I read his words, I had much respect for Nero's wisdom of experience. 

Being trans is hard. 
There does not seem to be a point where it ever becomes "easy". 
Much as we have sought to care for one another until now,
I, for one, am making a small vow to myself to reach out more. 
We are not alone. 
But I know that sometimes I need to be reminded of this. 
I am not alone.

I can't believe this. I saw it mentioned a couple times and decided it was too big to think about and walled it off into the invisible part of my mind where most really bad things go. But I can't pretend forever that it didn't happen.

I hope his family understands what good work he did and how much he mattered to so many people.

I PM'd this to Cindy but she must not have been online since before I sent it.   This from Nero's family, I assume his mother....

"Cindy from Susans asked for the details but I dont have my computer. Spence Miller Funeral Home Columbus st Grove City OH 43123 at 11:00 am tomorrow I know its too late to do anything from Susans  thanks for your message it meant a lot to me."

Thank you Valerie.

Holy moly. What a shock!

I certainly am no regular member here since I'm still quite in denial. That said, I already realized what huge role he played in here. I'm very sorry for his family and I'm sorry for all of his friends, including this forum.

That said, I'm only slightly sorry for him since I'm absolutely certain that he is fine whereever he is. At least I'm hoping so.

I know that he'll be missed, he already is.

We owe a lot to him.

Rest in peace, brother!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 15, 2014, 12:03:19 PM
I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much.  :'(

Don't blame yourself. His words being unintelligible is a good sign that it was too late already. You should feel honored that he chose you to call when the end was near. That counts for much and is a great acknowledgement.

Quote from: Felix on July 20, 2014, 06:22:17 PM
I hope his family understands what good work he did and how much he mattered to so many people.

I hope so, too!

Goodbye my friend.

You will always be loved and remembered.

Am very saddened by the news of Nero's passing. His words and struggles touched my heart. I don't think I will ever look at the moon again without thinking of him.

Rest now friend and brother,
Rest in Peace

Kate

I remember Nero once jokingly said -after I put a picture of myself- "Sure this isnt the FTM section?"

Made my day...that remark still goes through my mind whenever I come out of the shower and have to see 'boymode' me (for now, my hair was cut short last year). It's been a long road since

I've been away visiting family for several weeks and just heard the sad news of Nero's passing.  I am shocked and saddened by his loss.  He was a good person and will be missed.  May he rest in peace.

Louise

I always loved reading his posts, a lot of insightful stuff. Wish I had gotten to know him better. Rest in peace Nero

I just found this post , but I had heard he passed away. I only interacted with him through posts and considered him a good friend I want to get to know. I'm glad I at least had the short time I had to know him. I am so sorry for this to have happened

There's something that has really been bothering me ever since this happened.

The very last thing that Nero did on this site, at 10:50 pm on the night before he was found dead, 5 minutes before logging off the site for the last time, was give me a rep point for this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,169164.msg1472815.html#msg1472815) post, in which I was basically talking about how it's hard for anyone to understand us because they haven't gone through it, and so they're trying to frame it through their own experiences... therefore this is why some women think that trans men are transitioning just to gain male privilege, because they themselves often have frustration with being female due to social problems.

Knowing how many personal demons he had with his past, it's so hard to think that I might have triggered him on that night. I've been feeling so awful about it ever since. I really don't know what else to say, I just needed to get this off of my chest, because it's been weighing pretty heavily on me.

Sweetie, Nero was struggling with a lot of demons. The fact that he gave you a +1 should be seen as what it was, words he thought were worth reading. What you posted wouldn't have been the cause of what happened. Don't let it burden you.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 09, 2014, 05:36:38 AM
There's something that has really been bothering me ever since this happened.

The very last thing that Nero did on this site, at 10:50 pm on the night before he was found dead, 5 minutes before logging off the site for the last time, was give me a rep point for this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,169164.msg1472815.html#msg1472815) post, in which I was basically talking about how it's hard for anyone to understand us because they haven't gone through it, and so they're trying to frame it through their own experiences... therefore this is why some women think that trans men are transitioning just to gain male privilege, because they themselves often have frustration with being female due to social problems.

Knowing how many personal demons he had with his past, it's so hard to think that I might have triggered him on that night. I've been feeling so awful about it ever since. I really don't know what else to say, I just needed to get this off of my chest, because it's been weighing pretty heavily on me.

It's hard not to do this kind of analysis when a person dies. You aren't responsible for how he was feeling, no matter what you said.

This is really the essence of why I think we have to devote every bit of strength we have to surviving whatever comes our way. Death doesn't erase the experiences of those still alive.

Carrie, I agree with the others. I'm sure your post had nothing to do with what happened to Nero. It's a natural human reaction to go over your interactions with someone after they die and try to figure out if there's something you could have done differently; to wonder if there's something you could have done to prevent it. I've felt that way, too. So many people in this thread have mentioned how they saw Nero's posts and always wanted to PM him. Well, I was one of the ones who did exchange PMs with him. Shortly before the last time he logged off the site. In one of those PMs I asked him if he was okay, to which he didn't respond, but responded to a different PM later. It's easy to look back on that now and feel guilt that I should have pressed harder to make sure he was okay, or let him know that I was there if he needed me, or... something. But the reality is, I don't know what happened to Nero. I don't know why he died. He might not have been trying to avoid answering that PM at all. It might have just slipped his mind, as often does mine, or any number of things. Even the notion that his death was in any way intentional, as far as I can see, is just speculation.

So please don't feel bad. I'm sure your post in no way contributed to what happened that night. If anything, your post probably made him smile, seeing as he gave you a +1 for it. Hold onto that image, instead. The image of him smiling because of something you said.

Just to clear the nature of Nero's death.

He did not suicide.

No one has any responsibility for Nero's death.

Quote from: Cindy on August 09, 2014, 08:08:30 AM
Just to clear the nature of Nero's death.

He did not suicide.

I was wondering about that but I didn't ask here on the forum because I thought that may have been too personal.

Quote from: Cindy on August 09, 2014, 08:08:30 AM
Just to clear the nature of Nero's death.

He did not suicide.

No one has any responsibility for Nero's death.

Thanks Cindy so much for letting us know. Nero's death hit me hard as he was one of those who really helped me out when I needed it during my early days here on Susan's. Nero was a very special human being. Though his is a great loss to us all, It is comforting to know he didn't suicide.

Ali

I'm sorry to hear of Nero's passing. My condolences to his family.


:angel:

This is completely devastating...  He was one of my best friends here.  I can't stop crying.  I can't believe it.  I will never stop missing him.  This is a terrible loss.

This is probably the worst possible news I could have come back to these forums to see. I haven't posted here in forever and I'm in tears...Nero was a wonderful guy. I can't say I knew him or that I even interacted with him very much here, but in reading what he had to say he made an impact on my life and I know I will never forget him. I could say so much more, but I have no words that would ever be enough.

Thank you, Nero, for being you. You will be greatly missed.

Quote from: Cindy on August 09, 2014, 08:08:30 AM
Just to clear the nature of Nero's death.

He did not suicide.

No one has any responsibility for Nero's death.

Thanks Cindy. To me it doesn't really matter either/or, I don't care either way. All I know is that he was here and now he's not. I still shed tears when I read this post. I really I wish he would or could have known how many of our lives he touched, helped and even disagreed with to make us feel more alive and real.

i never visit this part of the forums, so i missed this while i was on vacation.
there was someone missing, but it didn't hit me that he might be missing forever.

i hope someone who can contact his mother will give her my condolences, even though it's so long after.
he was the awesomest dude i've even met, be it online or offline.
i will mourn his loss, just the same as i mourn the loss of my other mentors who were so important to their community that a replacement can never be found.
and i will mourn him as a good person and great friend whom i really wish i knew better, but i have respected deeply for a long time just from the little i knew of him.

Just noticed this !!!!

Used to have a 'pre transition' photo of Nero, cannot find it (anybody?), he indeed was beautiful in every way!!!

Will sorely miss his incessant, almost always outrageous Question thread for day (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,61901.msg402856.html#msg402856) !!!