Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was just thinking, after reading another post, about the times in my life I could have come out as trans but was to scared to do so. I often wonder what life would be now. I cant imagine not having my wife or kids but there was a time I could  have come out early. I was once caught in bed with my moms pantyhose on, fifth grade. She asked me laughing a bit, my brother also saw (and in all these years never brought it up again beyond that day). I told her I was cold and football players use them, super lame Excuse I know. She let it be. Weird it was summer break at the time. Later when picking up my dad, my brother told him about it while we were all in the car picking him up, it was the last time he ever mentioned it. My mom told him to not talk about it and that was that. Of course he was in 1st grade then. A few days later my mom asked me point blank if i thought I was a girl, I told her no, just something stupid I did. She asked again an I denied her, for straight and total fear. I was in 5th grade in the 80s, i would have been a social pariah, school kids would call me a freak, faggot, outcast, sissy, you name it. Weird though knowing my parents the way I do now, they would have excepted. The extended family would not have at all. I think in time mom wrote it off to being just experimentation. I never spoke about anything like that to her again. If i would have had the courage how much happier i might had been or how much worse, just always think back to this time. This by the way is the first time I have ever told anyone about this incident in my life. There are other times later with my wife, but I will save them for now. Does anyone else have these moments?

Yep many times I have, but the most note worthy one was when I was when I had been caught in my sisters clothes and makeup yet again and my mom asked me if she needed to send me to the therapist the church had been sending my sister too and said no thank you. I was forced to see him for a different reason probably a year earlier and I knew this wouldn't get me the help I needed and wanted. I just knew that wasn't the right oppurtnity and decided to have her be quite instead.
Mariah

Quote from: stephee72 on February 15, 2015, 09:41:12 PM
I was just thinking, after reading another post, about the times in my life I could have come out as trans but was to scared to do so. I often wonder what life would be now. I cant imagine not having my wife or kids but there was a time I could  have come out early. I was once caught in bed with my moms pantyhose on, fifth grade. She asked me laughing a bit, my brother also saw (and in all these years never brought it up again beyond that day). I told her I was cold and football players use them, super lame Excuse I know. She let it be. Weird it was summer break at the time. Later when picking up my dad, my brother told him about it while we were all in the car picking him up, it was the last time he ever mentioned it. My mom told him to not talk about it and that was that. Of course he was in 1st grade then. A few days later my mom asked me point blank if i thought I was a girl, I told her no, just something stupid I did. She asked again an I denied her, for straight and total fear. I was in 5th grade in the 80s, i would have been a social pariah, school kids would call me a freak, faggot, outcast, sissy, you name it. Weird though knowing my parents the way I do now, they would have excepted. The extended family would not have at all. I think in time mom wrote it off to being just experimentation. I never spoke about anything like that to her again. If i would have had the courage how much happier i might had been or how much worse, just always think back to this time. This by the way is the first time I have ever told anyone about this incident in my life. There are other times later with my wife, but I will save them for now. Does anyone else have these moments?

Ha. Yes and I think it would have ended badly. If I was actually caught dressing vs hiding clothes so I could have worn them.  Mom would have fainted and dad would have hit me seeing that mom fainted and that I caused it.      I would have shut my mouth and that would have been that. 
We had an unwritten code in my house so this worked well.   

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, a few times. When I was a kid especially. That would have been great but I suspect it would have ended badly.

Had I come out as a child in the 60s and 70s I would not be very likely to be alive to post this. When I was a child it was still illegal in some places to be gay. Trans? OMG! They would have gotten out the pitchforks, torches and brought along a priest for the exorcism. My feminine mannerisms were all it took for my parents to put me through three years of living hell with reparative therapy. This was at age 7!!! I did not know why everyone was taking things so serious. It was just how I felt comfortable walking, carrying books, preferring to play with girls, etc. I was female in my heart and soul, but had no idea that is what it was as those in my life confused me to no end. So mannerism's alone gave me away even though I never knew they were feminine, just comfortable.

I hear you, Jessica. As a kid in the 50s, I pretty much knew I was a boy, but all I ever heard was "Girls don't do this" and "Girls don't do that." So I learned to squelch that knowledge, but I still grew up knowing that my mother thought that there was something really wrong with me -- and of course she knew best. It wasn't until a couple of years ago, doing some research online, that I finally said "Oh wait! You mean gender-non-conforming children are a thing? You mean I've spent my entire life knowing that I was a bad person and a total failure -- and it wasn't true??!" I had a pretty good breakdown over that, but I seem to be getting over it.  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fwink.gif&hash=fd49c1687b59c0ea097a7b4f1ed562a996fdaf5c)

If I'd insisted on  it, I doubt that I'd be alive, one way or another. 

QuoteSo mannerism's alone gave me away even though I never knew they were feminine, just comfortable.

In my early twenties I had a girlfriend who said "I love you, you're perfect... and oh, by the way, would you mind changing the way you walk -- it's too masculine."  I was completely bewildered: as far as I knew, I just... walked.

In high school, my mom found me reading Christine Jorgensen's autobiography.  She wanted to know why.  I don't remember what I told her, but she told me that people like that are rare.  I think she was trying to reassure me because I was a massive worrier and I always felt like something was wrong with me.  I knew I was trans at this point but I couldn't tell her.  What if I had?

This was something that those around me noticed as well and I was just barley aware of it result in many comments and strange reactions over the years before I started to transition.
Mariah

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 16, 2015, 11:51:19 AM
So mannerism's alone gave me away even though I never knew they were feminine, just comfortable.

Lots of times and that doesn't include getting caught wearing my mums or sisters clothes when I was little . From the age of 11 I knew I was seriously different from all of the other boys so I distanced myself from just about everyone I was only close to my mum she had strong suspicions about me being trans but I could never open my mouth and say it . The years went by and she got diagnosed with cancer when I was 15 she died when I was 18 not only did I loose my mum but I lost the only person that I could have ever told and I hit the self destruct button until the age of 21 witch is when I met my wife who I am still with now . So yes things could have been very different

I should have started transitioning in my early 20s when I had the money to do so. However, I bought a fast, bitchin car like a >-bleeped-<ing idiot to see if it would "cure" me of being trans and prove that I was a real macho dude. That backfired bigtime. I thought it was also too early in life to be rejected by family. There could have been a time where I started on the path to happiness much earlier in life. More than one therapist I've seen mentioned that perhaps, I wasn't at that moment in life where it could have come to fruition but you never know.

Let's see one moment for every day since I self acknowledged I was trans until I came out to everyone and started living as Grace...equals 8,766 moments I could have come out sooner... :(

But I guess I just wasn't fully ready until that 8,767th day... :)

Quote from: Tysilio on February 16, 2015, 01:26:47 PM
You mean I've spent my entire life knowing that I was a bad person and a total failure -- and it wasn't true[/u

I can SO relate to this realization myself!! Isn't it terrible what "norms" people have and what they do to confine you to those. The things they do to keep us in line can be so drastic and cruel. Well, no more! I am free and living life on MY terms not someone else's. :)

I could have transitioned 20 years ago when I first fully realised who and what I was.  But, like you Stephee, it was the 80s or 90s and not a time even remotely trans-friendly.  I did all the research, I knew what could be done and by which type of surgeon, but I was terrified by the social outcomes which seemed so bleak at that time.  So I ran as far as I could, started a company, got married, tried to be normal.  It was a moderately successful life, but.......

I transitioned last year and it was brilliant.  It somewhat indirectly cost me my marriage as well as a heftly amount of my savings, but I'm finally truly 100% the person I've been hiding for all those years. 

I think we all have had moments in life when we knew, this is what I want. But I have only a handful of times when I could have just admitted to it and my life would have changed forever. I have tried so many things to convince myself of not being this way. For a while I just thought maybe I could just get turned on by my secret stash of so called "she-male" porn, only one step away from Playboy right, make myself think I'm still normal and that's all it was. Acting like something I wasn't. Strange though I kept being more interested in finding multiple pictures of the same pin up to see if I could find old and new pics to check out her development over time. The image could be pleasing but I didn't care for the sexual acts just the way this one time man now has blossomed into a girl. No matter what, I keep coming back to wanting to be the girl in the pic and have sex with it.  I have always been attracted to women and not men but it can really mess up a teenage boy to feel that way. Now I know how degrading the term "She-male" is and how guilty I feel using that and other terms to such a misunderstood and caring group of people, which ironically now includes me. Weird that I can honestly say this has consumed my thoughts everyday for years. Now I wonder if I could have just been brave that one time if all would be better. I have been faithful to a church many times and love God but not the people in his church where most made me feel ashamed to be me inside. Not that anyone even knew my secret. Always felt guilty. Read a bible you find out all that anti-Trans, Gay stuff is in the old Test, the thing Jesus came back to save us from since we could not all live to that standard, admitting we are flawed people, Its the soul that counts, Love others and love God. Nowhere in that did Jesus bash a Transsexual or Homosexual person. Don't judge just love others. If more people thought that way growing up in the 80's, and 90's, hell even today, then maybe I wouldn't have such regret. I have such respect for all of you who finally have come out to be you. ...............Ok now I'm just getting emotional and rambling again, I guess I have a lot to work out huh. ;)

I've had quite a few moments over the past decade where I could have and probably should have came out to various different people, however there is one moment that clearly sticks out.

When I was 15 I was sat down and confronted by my parents asking if I was gay. They raised concerns over changing hairstyle, not trying to date any of my female friends, and internet search history which included transgender topics. In retrospect this might have been their attempt at allowing me to say that I was trans rather than gay, either way it would have been a good opportunity for me to come out to them had I not been too scared to do so.

First off waiting to taste estrogen to fully convince self I am what I am might be wrong but eh. I have accepted this more but in the past I did look into transgender. I really first dreamt of being a girl when I was around 16 then early 20's got some of my own girl clothes at the time thought eh just a fetish. Around 30 I tried some herbs which I know is bad now but they did effect me a small amount which did feel awesome but very fleeting. Now I am in my early 40's thought of it yet again but this time I literally I think woke up to what I am. I am sure everyone is different and could I have done so earlier perhaps but the truth is this we have all decided fully when we would attempt this I feel no point worrying about what would or could have been hell with it live for once and look to future. What is done is done cant change that however we can always change the future but to dwell on that past is not healthy yet we should still learn from it as well. Only we can truly decide when and if believe in fate well maybe that is it in that it choose this time for me to proceed with a transition. In ways I think its as if sometime we just get a realization whenever that is then we face this and another word that I like that fits better then transition is transcend to a new more whole you.

Not really done a lot yet but I have done a whole lot of thinking that's for sure and so much what I read here hits home in so many ways I feel we are all kindred spirits in a way.

In short could I have done it sooner well in reality no I wasn't really ready so now is the time or at least I think it is for me anyway.

I came out to my fiancé when I was 27, but she talked me out of it, and we stayed together until I was 32, then in 1998 I was 35 and engaged to a different woman, and I bought my first computer, and had access to the Internet for the first time, and for the first time I was able to research transsexualism and how to go about transitioning.  I broke up with my fiancé, started seeing a therapist, and began my journey.

When I was about 15 or 16, I found a webcomic called unicorn jelly. several characters in this comic are trans, and this first real exposure made me realize, "oh, hey, this character sounds a LOT like me" and finally made me consciously realize what had been stewing in my subconscious since I was five.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have came out then and maybe even would have managed to start transition before my facial hair really came in(bad beard genes from my mom's side, lucky me, it didn't even start until i was 18 and you couldn't really call it a beard until 23), but in a fit of self-defeating uselessness, at that age my dysphoria had given me such social anxiety I didn't even feel I could go to my parents with problems.

so I started to try to convince myself that physicality isn't important, as long as I knew I was a girl, I could be myself online and just be a nice little recluse. then I got into a relationship with a manipulative woman who quashed any ideas of transition i might have formed, partly from transphobia and partly because she needed me to stay legally male to marry her so she could get a green card. In my mental state I allowed her to overwhelm me to the point where I kind of even forgot that I had realized I was trans.

it was only later, years after my current boyfriend showed me what a healthy relationship looked like and I dropped my wife, that I rediscovered the source of my issues and was able to decide to make my life worth living. looking back it feels like 13 years too late, but looking at the now, I couldn't be happier that I've started this path at all.

Quote from: stephee72 on February 16, 2015, 08:27:00 PM
If more people thought that way growing up in the 80's, and 90's, hell even today, then maybe I wouldn't have such regret. I have such respect for all of you who finally have come out to be you. ...............Ok now I'm just getting emotional and rambling again, I guess I have a lot to work out huh. ;)

Stephee, the key thing here is to look forwards and not backwards.  The past is gone and we have to do the best with the lives we were given.

As they say in bad thrillers, make no sudden movements.  Now is the time to clear your head and try to understand as well as you can who you are and what, if anything, you want to do about it.  Perhaps for you the best outcome would be to stay as you are, and to live with your situation.  Perhaps you could find a halfway house.  And maybe your enviroment might be safe enough for you to change yourself.  It's a complex process after half a lifetime, so ponder it carefully even though parts of your mind might be desperate to fix things.

Are you talking to a gender therapist?  Does anyone in your world know about your issues?

Hugs
Julia

Actually, yeah... back in the 80's, when I was 30-ish, I was seeing a therapist: a pretty conservative Freudian, but my best friend at the time thought she walked on water... (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Frolleyes.gif&hash=0a0b44ad1de7ecfd5b4be1ab5919f433c770be5f)

After a year or so, I worked up the courage to bring up my gender identity with her and told her I thought I might be transsexual. She basically said "Don't be silly, this is very immature," and told me to wear long swishy skirts and get in touch with my feminine side. I should've walked out right then and found a new therapist -- I knew that I had no feminine side, and she should have too, by then.

Sometimes, when I think about what might have been, I want to go back in time and wring her neck, or at least sue her for malpractice. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fmad.gif&hash=2be79bb1f4e13f48d20ed360196901bfeedb60c3)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fmad.gif&hash=2be79bb1f4e13f48d20ed360196901bfeedb60c3)

Once, a little over ten years ago. I investigated transsexualism online, as I knew something was up, but I ultimately wasn't ready to accept it. Especially since being somewhat androgynous, I didn't seem to fit the narratives I was seeing. It was encountering other trans-people later on that caused the pieces to fall into place for me. Looking back, I kinda wished I done more then, but I guess I wasn't ready.

  When I was 25 back in the 80's  I had 30 thousand dollars in the bank with some vague idea of doing what Wendy Carlos had done.
Then I meet my wife and tried to be a "normal" guy it worked for a few years then I just started to die inside, however she does support me now and has more confidence in me than I do. So now I am focusing on looking forward, I have already spent too many years grieving about how it could of been.

i believe there were a few times, but since i have a horrible memory, the only situation i can recall at the moment occurred when was 12 or 13 years old, when my mother took away the majority of my older brother's hand-me-downs. with male clothes being the only thing i wore, my mother wanted me to appear more feminine and "wear some nicer things". i remember feeling devastated, and came close to telling her that i would rather be a boy than girl. at the time, i didn't know there was a term for that feeling.

Yeah, just a few weeks ago I had the perfect chance to come out to my mom, but I wasn't brave enough. She would say it's a phase anyway so there was no point, but it was the perfect chance, and i missed it  :(

Julia,
Thank as for your words..No no one in my world knows any of this..I sort of told a major lie or two along the way to my wife, which is another whole shameful story,  I dont have a therapist, i did try once when my wife was very ill and i was stuck holding up the family with two young kids. It was more for stress and depression. I came close a few times to tell the woman i was seeing, but just chickened out.  I never thought she was any good anyway.

I "experimented" with transitioning twice in my early 20's. Both times ending it, opting to live as a normalish male. While it is so easy now to look back and say could have, would have, should have, I know in my heart of hearts how badly it would have turned out if I did follow through.

Emotionally, I was a cripple. No way would I have had the inner strength, nor the ability to learn or develop the skills, or the skin, you need to go through a full transition. However, I also consider myself blessed I have not signed up for the Transition or Die club. Came close a few times, but never putting pen to paper. So perhaps that is why I can say following through would have ended badly, I had options. Still sort of ended.... not badly, but not ideally either.

I have no doubt I would not be 1/2 the person I am today, accomplished so many amazing things in my life, and now strong enough and healthy enough to very seriously consider and work towards a full transition

Big yup on this one. When I was in junior high, not long after my Pop found me in some of my Mom's clothes (he had also found a stash I had of other things and told her I didn't know about that untill recently, which was another chance gone by) on the way home from summer camp. My Mom and I were alone in the car and she told me it was ok if I was gay. My asexuality trumped gender on that one. There were a few more times when my folks tried to get me to come out as gay. But I just went deeper into my closets.

The most optimal moment would have been a few years later in highschool. My little brother confronted me with my duffle bag full of purloined clothing and he was holding my diary confessing everything. I just pannicked in abject terror and begged for his respect. I took the bag from him and prommissed to throw it away, told him it was nothing. I didn't put it straight in the trash because I woried my folks would find it. On trash day I snuck it out under his supervision. When I watched the garbage truck leave with what felt like me inside of it I felt like I died.

The thing is I think they, all three, would have loved and supported me. But my Pop's Pop would have disowned me and he, my Grandma and autistic Uncle lived next door. I was scared of the people in the town I grew up in, they already treated me like an outcast, I couldn't bear to help things get worse. My Mom had also wanted me to be a boy, my brother was supposed to be the daughter. I felt intensely obligated  to fulfill my role as the eldest son as well. My Pop and brother deserved it. I've always been kinda submissive and un assertive.

I don't know if I could have handled transition back then, my self worth was deep in the crapper. My only regret comes purely from vanity. 'Cause I would have been gorgeous! After the acne cleared anyway. But now I can be the woman I was meant to be, even if the girl never had a chance. I'll be staying with my Mom at the end of March/early April. I think I may finally tell my folks then, when better than springtime?

Well actually, when I was about 7 or so, I told my mom I was a boy, not a girl. To call me "Billy". I believe my parents thought this was cute. I was lucky in that I wasn't punished for it, otoh, which back in the 50s-50s would be the typical thing.

Tysillo, I had a very androgynous existence. I also had (actually more than one) therapist insist that I was not feminine enough. I more or less ignored them.

--Jay

I had two, both at 11 and 13 years ago:

The first time, my best friend (she still is) and huge trans ally was talking with a friend of hers going through transition at that time...and...I was feeling down and ignored. When I attenion whoreingly pestered her enough that she finally said what she was doing...talking to her friend who was having a rough time transitioning then...I felt so bad about both the pestering her....and the why I wanted her attention so bad...that I apologized and wished her and her other friend well and support. Ironically, I was depressed myself because...I was lonely (often was back then) and questioning "if I should've been born a girl, and what could I do to change and fix this?" I didn't tell her because I thought I would come off as an uber-douche attention whore trying to get her to talk to me me ME. I was so vulnerable, she could've tipped me over into transition by suggesting I consider it for myself, and I'd have blazed forward full steam ahead. But I didnt.

2 years later, I'd been walked out on by my then fiancee and was feeling much the same, but chickened out on the conversation, instead choosing to distract myself with games, job search, and whatever else I could.

great older topic to find today, it was interesting reading other's responses...

My answer, started at age 8 (60's) when I told mother "I think i'm a girl", there was a level of self awareness back then. I was listened to and was already seeing counselors, I had terrible social issues and problems in school. My fledgling identity would have to go underground, and it did. I started dressing in my sisters and mom's clothes when I could get a way with it, and started building up my own stashes of girl clothes. I became good at hiding my inner self and put up many barriers.

I came out to my wife (before we married 1984) and she was somewhat supportive and we would go on shopping trips together for things, however I did not have access to resources to transition and lived a closeted life through my adult years. I was logging on to NNTP trans news groups in the late 80 and 90's as Internet access was everywhere  reading other trans folks stories. I became a big fan of TG fiction in the 90's. I would dress up on business trips to other cities, and go out briefly. 

My final phase was accepting this was not going away at age 51 and began full transition in 2010. I had far better access to professional care in this era !

Cynthia -

Yes, I remember when I was 12-13 my parents took me to a therapist because of my "aggressive attitude" (years later when I was already an adult my mom confessed that the real reason was because they had found my gay porn on the computer) and I had to answer a bunch of questions from this woman, and one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?", I knew I had to lie about my answer so I said no. Nowadays sometimes I wonder how much my life would have changed have I said yes.

For me there were multiple opportunities, which in hindsight, if I knew then what I know now, I could have come out.

I almost came out in in 1993.

I was in the middle of a divorce.  My wife had left me for another woman.  We had / have 3 beautiful daughters, and at that time, assuming I came out, they probably would have been put in foster care.  I couldn't take that chance.

So I buried it for another 25 years.

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

In March 1976 I was 18 &1/2 & out of control. drunk every night unless I was on my bike, off my face on speed & weed, smashed windows & fights in the bar with the  6 or 7 other hooligans I hung around with & anyone who dared go up against us, sometimes we joined in with the local football team's firm if there was a tasty firm visiting, had some epic scraps with Millwall, Preston & Bolton!. I got too big for my parents to lay a hand on me since I was 13, Dad said something, can't remember what but it got me so mad I put my fist through a window & threatened to kick the >-bleeped-< out of him, fortunately I got away with minor cuts. My parents booked me a doctors appointment & he asked me a load of questions, I laughed when he asked if I was gay ( I was bi but never acted on it til the next year), then he asked did I want to be a girl. Again I laughed & he suggested I cut down on drinking & quit drugs. I did for the rest of the week.
It would have gone badly had I transitioned in 1976 (or 1979 when I first planned to). I became a caricature of a man, a hard drinking, speed, coke & weed taking,muscle car driving pool shooting biker who chased girls (& boys!). it was 1989 before I sought treatment

I really had three opportunities where I could have come out.

The first was in 1989 when I was 17 and my parents got divorced and I was offered to go into therapy as part of the divorce. I thought hard about it, but I knew that once in therapy I would feel a strong urge to express my desire to become a woman with the therapist. And I thought that was a really bad idea because of the turmoil it would cause to my family. So I decided not to accept the offer of therapy.

The second time was in 1998 after I had been working for three years after college. By this time, I knew that being transgender was a thing, and I had built up some savings and felt I had enough money to make a go of things. But I chickened out and went another path in my life, which really set a professional career track for the next 14 years that was hard to get off of. I would definitely say that part of the chickening out was being transition was still something really hard at that point, and I didn't want to do one year of RLE before being able to get access to hormones. (That was such a stupid medical practice...)

The third time was seven years ago after I had quit a very high-paying job. At that point, I had a huge amount of money saved up, so transition would have been pretty easy from a financial standpoint. Again, I thought really hard about going to a therapist. But I chickened out again - really no excuse for not transitioning then. (However, I did some very interesting and hopefully world-changing things with a non-profit during that time that wouldn't have happened had I transitioned.)

The fourth time was seven months ago, and I didn't chicken out. :)

I think I first came out to my mom pretty quickly after learning that being transgender was a thing and not just me. If I had come out any sooner, I would have just said "I feel like I should be a girl" and it would have been awkward because I wouldn't have known it was anything that other people experienced, and it might have given her more of an upper hand when she rejected me and I would have taken it much more to heart.

However, certainly, I could have come back out sooner to her than I did this time (about mid-February). There were ten years of mostly silence on the subject. I was just too scared of hurting her. It took some pretty severe dysphoria to finally push me over the edge. The dysphoria has been ever present and did in fact bother me a whole lot in the last ten years, but it was earlier this year that I was like "I can't possibly go on like this. Sorry"

I pilfered my cousin's drawer in 1986 or 1987.  A couple of weeks later my mom was putting my clothes in my drawers and found that little artifact.  She sat me down and asked, point-blank, "Would you rather be a girl?"  Of course, inside I was screaming, "YES!" but outside I replied, meekly, "No..." :(

She is supportive and would have been at the time, but I didn't know that.  Even so, she's completely shut that event out of her mind and does not remember it at all.  I've asked.

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I said, "YES!"  I'm not sure if the social pain I would have experienced would have been better or worse than my inner turmoil all those years.

I did, but got forced back into hiding for 5 years :/

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on April 07, 2019, 02:50:23 PM
I did, but got forced back into hiding for 5 years :/

It was only three years for me at the beginning of the century.  Did the whole evangelical church thing to try to rid me of those feelings, too.

Nothing ever works either!

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on April 07, 2019, 02:57:56 PM
Nothing ever works either!

Nope!

My latest purge (detransition) lasted a couple of years, but the real me keeps pulling me back.  Halfway there now.

I guess I needed this last experiment to really, truly verify to myself that I am me.

I'm just lucky that after all my wasted time I didn't ruin my look or something.
Not perfect and my voice is ruined. But can't win em all I suppose.
You just keep steady. Every time you start to feel good from transition you start to think you don't need it! D:

  My girlfriend discovered I really wanted to be a woman in 1989 when I was 20. I told her the whole truth. I didnt go down so well. More reason to keep my mouth shut for 30 years.

Sort of.  I was out and part-time myself on some weekends for a few years, til I was 16.  That's when, in 1969, I got caught and turned over to my parents.  They got me medical help, a tiny bit different from what might happen today. 

"Medical" help.  Yeah, my ex-wife tried to blackmail me into going away to "therapy" run by her church.

Conversion therapy.  Yes, that always works.

1999. Was referred to and seen in an appt with the founder of the first transgender program in my state. I was heavily medicated at the time, but bottom line, I did not follow through.

(I was part-time 1992-1994 but only at home with my partner then, terrified of others finding out)

Also something back in 1984 comes to mind.  Being asked intake questions, some about gender, as a kid at a county psych facility.  I was violently upset at the time. Often wondered what might have happened if I hadn't been so angry and answered more truthfully then.

No use to dwell on all this, but definitely a part of the story.  Thanks for asking!

Maddie, thank you!  You reminded me about that question on the intake questionnaire for my wife and my couples therapist after I'd already come out to her.  I chose the "Prefer not to answer" box next to Gender Identity Issues.

Surprisingly, I think it was worded in that way in about 1999 or 2000 at a predominantly Christian therapist.

When I was seven and telling my Mom I wanted to be a girl, she dressed me up. After that I dressed myself as often as I could. We had no Jazz Jennings or Carmin Carrerra's as role models. We had no support groups, therapists, surgeons. We had Uncle Milty, Flip Wilson, JacK Lemon, Tony Curtis, even Tom Hanks were all comic figures. Even today we are still the subject of jokes. Dinozzo gets involved with a trans women, chuckles all around. Has anyone found their struggle funny? I know I never did. I wish my Mom had been able to get me help early on. I wish in the 80's when I went to therapy I could have come out but it just wasn't as easy as today. And today is not that easy.

Quote from: DawnOday on April 08, 2019, 08:12:20 PM
Has anyone found their struggle funny?

Oh yeah, there were moments that were hilarious in hindsight. I can step back and giggle a little, like the time I was like 15 or 16 and decided to go hiking in our mountains, first under dressing, then later wearing only my Mom's one piece bathing suit, shoes and a day pack, when I thought I was in an area with no others. I mean the fabric was simply awesome, I felt wonderful, I was cruising, and then I rounded a corner and there she was sitting on a rock eating her lunch, and she just looked up at me and said nothing, I felt this rush of being discovered, I can laugh at those moments, because I was struggling back then to simply express myself, there were no outlets, no means, just some borrowed clothes and dream.

Yes, I spent years, not so much in denial, but thought I could suppress the reality and put it in a box, so to manage the inconvenient fact. There were very powerful external motivators for me to try to control this private truth that had to do with my physical safety, social acceptance, and career success. But, in conclusion, I did myself a major disservice by postponing the undeniable and inevitable in service to the needs of others while ignoring my own!

Quote from: DawnOday on April 08, 2019, 08:12:20 PM
When I was seven and telling my Mom I wanted to be a girl, she dressed me up. After that I dressed myself as often as I could. We had no Jazz Jennings or Carmin Carrerra's as role models. We had no support groups, therapists, surgeons. We had Uncle Milty, Flip Wilson, JacK Lemon, Tony Curtis, even Tom Hanks were all comic figures. Even today we are still the subject of jokes. Dinozzo gets involved with a trans women, chuckles all around. Has anyone found their struggle funny? I know I never did. I wish my Mom had been able to get me help early on. I wish in the 80's when I went to therapy I could have come out but it just wasn't as easy as today. And today is not that easy.

I don't know that I would call it funny.

Roughly around 1975, I did get caught cross dressing in my mom's clothes one Saturday morning.  Dad was off playing golf.  My sister was at one of her friends and Mom went to the grocery. 

I lost track of time.

So here I am all dolled up in a dress, slip, pantyhose, heels, and clip on earrings, and loving it; NOW having to ready myself to be severely ridiculed, embarrassed and punished.

She simply commented that I looked really pretty and suggested I needed to re-dress before anyone else got home.


This was about the same time that studies were being started on children who became identified as DES daughters.  (Is there any such thing as a DES son?)  She did what her OB/GYN instructed.  And yes, I'm a DES daughter.  Mom understood they, the medical community, were just beginnimg to explore how we, children, were affected.

I don't know if mom understood the depths of my dysphoria.  She did tolerate me raiding her underwear drawer and knew I was routinely cross dressing at the underwear level.  I thought I was really good at hiding it.  45 years later I realize she knew!

Mom had issues with Schizophrenia.  She had me in counseling with hervpsychiatrist?
When dad found out, he stopped it. 

I never got to the point with the psychiatrist where I could admit that I was mentally and emotionally a girl.



Mom passed in 1987.  At that time I felt I had my GD under control.  I was married, with 2 daughters, and cross dressing in my wife's clothes when opportunities presented themselves.

This was my first opportunity to come out.   I passed.  My second opportunity to come out in 1993.  It's discussed in a different thread.  Suffice it to say I passed a second time.

I compartmentalized it for 30 years.  It didn't help. Ultimately I had to accept Kate would not let me live if I didn't free her.

Love,
Kate



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JK  No it is not funny and I thought I stated that. Yes there are DES Sons and I am one. The one problem with connecting DES to males is that 1. No funding for research  2. It would blow up the religious belief that we choose to be transgender. 3. most if not all medical records for the time frame have been destroyed.                                     Here are the symptoms I possess that leads me to believe I was a victim of DES. 1. A micro penis <1.5 inches 2. Late descending testicles (age 17 1/2), inflamed infection (this was particularly distressful as I was in a theater watching the Exorcist when my scrotum turned bright red and itched like hell) deformed aorta, cardiomyopathy, atrial fibrillation, atherosclerosis, congestive heart failure, diabetes, and depression.

DES creates emotional trauma for all who come in contact with it: DES Mothers (and Fathers), DES Daughters, DES Sons, and DES Grandchildren.

Men traditionally are reticent to talk about the kind of highly personal issues that DES creates. It is often their mothers and wives who begin searching for information regarding exposure. DES Sons can experience the same anxieties, anger and relationship turbulence as DES Daughters

https://desaction.org/des-sons/

Yes, but never had the confidence to do so until now.
Confidence leads to happiness which leads to success and assurance. x

Like a few others, I am a DES child.  I know I was.  That bottle of prescription prenatal vitamins sat in the medicine cabinet for years after I was born, and I saw it every time I brushed my teeth.  Mom even talked to me about taking DES and her miscarriages a few years before she passed away.

Research into the effect on assigned male at birth children has been largely suppressed. Multigenerational effects are still being studied over female descendants.  As far as I know only Dr. Scott Kerlin (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/tag/scott-kerlin/) has studied the gender-related impact of this drug.

Quote from: DawnOday on April 11, 2019, 01:55:55 PM
JK  No it is not funny and I thought I stated that.

https://desaction.org/des-sons/

Dawn:

Yes, you stated it was not funny.  I was agreeing with you.


When reading your post, my mind was actually going to my memories and our similarities.  My memories still carry emotion so I may have not worded my post as well as I could have.


You mentioned microphallus and undescended testicles.  Same here.  I had to have the surgery.

One of my most vivid memories was being pulled out of school one day (around age 12) and being taken to a teaching hospital in the St. Louis area for what I now understand was a pelvic exam.  My most vivid recollection was that this doctor and nurse were not nearly as nice as my pediatrician (which was the only doctor I'd previously known....)


I get the funding issue.  We're not dying of cancer so there isn't any urgency to scientifically look into our situation.


I do challenge that we 'chose' to be transgender.  I hid it, fought it for over 50 years.  I accepted it after I realized my coping mechanisms were killing me.  I got to the point where I saw 3 options;  1) an intentional early exit, 2) keep doing what I was doing and exit from the consequences  within a few years, 3) face it head on with courage and acceptance of myself to live the longest life I could. 

I chose option 3 and started my transition. 

My point:  In the end I'm a Transgendered Catholic.  (If they have a problem, it's their problem and they can just get over it!)


Finally, yes my old medical records are gone so scientifically we'll never know the truth.  We only have our anecdotal experiences.  So I kind of look at it philosophically. 

Recently there were the news stories about the Chinese doctor genetically editing embryos.   He claimed he was doing it to make the children more resistant to some disease.  Unfortunately he's only succeeded in creating a new situation to be guessed at and monitored 30 to 50 years from now.  There will only ever be anecdotal evidence to indicate whether this doctor did good or caused harm.

So where am I going with this? 

Philosophically I choose to understand that my mom's OB/GYN was giving her the best advice he new to give.  I philosophically choose to believe my mom made her decisions out of love for me.  I was 11 years old when the medical community realized they screwed up. What was in the past was what it was.  We could only go forward.  That's what I'm trying to do.

Finally I used the description of 'DES daughter' because, based on my personal experience, I have to ask "Is there such a thing as a DES son?"

So maybe this simply gets back to the crux of my existence.  I'm anotomically a son, but mentally and emotionally a daughter.  In my heart of hearts, I've never felt like I son - even though I really tried to live up to the role.

Kate


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JK... I've read our introductions for the last three years and early on was amazed at how many had virtually the same background. There is no way it could be a choice. Yes I did choose, after a lifetime of distress, depression and self questioning. But was it really a choice or a cure? 

As with most my mother is not at fault. She was just doing what Doctor Lewis prescribed. But he was prescribing an untested medical treatment without having a clue about the outcomes. Forty years later we now have a lot more knowledge than they did then. The treatment did not work. Meanwhile approx 10 million women were subjected to this treatment. The fallout resulted in 1.5 million males and another 1.5 million females affected by the massive dosages. The women have been compensated while the males are seen as the work of Satan and their side of the equation is not even being studied to the extent it should be.

If I had it all to do over again I would not live the life I have led. If, I was born in a period of tolerance. I would have asked my parents to move forward in investigating the alternatives. I was crossdressing frequently at the age of thirteen. In a period of time that I still did not doubt the existence of God, I began to pray that I would wake up in the morning with a completely remodeled body and mind. It didn't work. So I hid too. It cost the love of my life, Wendy. Lifetime friendships and future relationships. It has ravaged my present marriage, but Joann is my rock on which I stand. She does not understand, Does not want to understand but she allows me to exercise my need to present in public. As a result we just celebrated our 35th anniversary.
I don't have all the answers. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is clear as the nose on my face. Something happened in my birth process that has been with me for 67 years. I do not regret coming out as the pressure to hide in plain sight was becoming too much to bear. I have lived in the northwest for 23 years and I have not made one friend in that time except for my wife. It took ten years to realize how much we need each other. Not as sex objects but as two people willing to share our life. My first two years up here were very difficult. I had a heart attack, I had had a TIA stroke three years before, I had congestive heart failure as I interviewed for a new position. it all culminated in me going septic and lying in a coma for four days, and getting a complete heart remodel . I bring this up as these symptoms are all examples of DES poisoning. The lesson I have learned is, while we all have similar circumstances each one of us is unique. I've been on HRT for over 2.5 years now. Unfortunately I was born with a logical mind that sometimes gets me in to trouble because I tend to be very frank. For me at this point, transition makes perfectly reasonable sense.