Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Please excuse me this is my first time posting and I'm doing my utmost to be humble and respectful.
I'm not really sure where to start, perhaps a quick introduction. Also I'm doing my best with grasping the correct pronouns so please feel free to correct me.

Okay, I'm a single father who has raised my son alone for 19 of his 21 years. He came to me 3 months ago and told me he was moving to the nearby university campus because he felt left out of university life. One month later I receive a 4 page typed letter informing me that he was Transgenger and had decided that he wanted to transition over the course of the next few years. As you can imagine I didn't find this easy to digest (not straight away) and it lead to some emotional conversations on many different topics. Apart from the fear of losing the child I had raised and considered my best mate, I had a million unknown questions to ask myself.

You see I'm an older guy from Australia who grew up in a fairly straight middle class life of surfing, sport, partying (alternate lifestyles didn't even seem to exist back then). Ignorance is know excuse but initially my reactions swung from anger to overwhelming sadness. As time went by I new I needed to stretch myself and grow or our relationship would possibly disappear forever.

Fast forward a few months and I've been seeing counsellors on a regular basis and throwing myself into hundreds of hours of research on the computer (things are improving and I even have my daughters new name in my phone contacts) She's been really great and allowed me the grace of taking my time to understand and make the odd mistake. Sometimes I think she knows me even better than I know myself, if you knew her personally you'de understand what I mean.

Here's the thing, Australia is a great place and my daughter (that still doesn't come natural to type just yet) is well supported at Uni and very happy with a great bunch of friends but I can't get the fear for her future out of my head. She's studying to be a mental health nurse but will she be discriminated against when it comes to employment ? And what about her safety, she's only of slight build and say's her transition should allow her to live happily in Stealth but I worry continually for her safety. When I say there's lots of bad people in the world her answer was "but Dad there's lots of good people as well" Please don't get me wrong I'm not belittling her abilities she's smart and mature but I've grown up seeing the worst of some violent guys first hand. If I could I would always be there to protect her but that's just not humanly possible.

I didn't want my first post to sound like some long winded sob story and I'm sorry if I come across as negative...I realise no one can guarantee happiness, I think I was hoping that talking to others within this community would somehow help alleviate some of my fears for my daughters safety and long term security.
I guess I'm just wondering if I'm living in the past and worrying needlessly or is safety something that is still paramount within the community.

Still Learning,

I'm very proud of you for trying to accept your daughter and learn more about her situation.  You don't seem to come across negative in my mind, just curious and concerned.  Both of which are perfectly legitimate states of mind.  Yes, our well-being is something that should be of concern, but were you not worried about her well-being when she was still your son in your eyes?  Something to ponder.  She's always been your child and worthy of your protection, now she's just a little different than before.

I wish my parents were more like you.  Maybe someday.  I'm hopeful, but not optimistic.  Just remember that by in large, our safety and well-being is significantly increased when we are accepted by family and friends.  Isolation breeds sadness and despair which ultimately lead to making poor decisions in life that could get you hurt.  That goes for everyone, not just trans people.  Supporting and loving environments mean the world to everyone and usually mean the difference between life and death.  Keep on doing what you're doing!

I don't have any links right now, but try to look up successful stories of transition, not just the depressing and negative ones.  My mother buried her head in awful stories of failed transitions and couldn't see the light of day for all the murkiness around her.

Let her lead the way for you.  She's driving the bus and you're just along for the ride at this point.  Feel free to interject your opinion and ask questions about her route, but always remember that she's in control.  It really saddens me how supportive you are of her, not because you're doing anything wrong, but because I wish my parents had been there for me like I know you're going to be there for her.

Thank you for being a good dad.

Hi Kristina,
Thank you so much for taking the time for your thoughtful reply...I've always been a worrier (even pre transition) so things haven't changed to much...just a few more grey hairs and maybe a little extra concern for her being a bit more vulnerable, especially during these early days.

I love what you said about my daughter driving the bus, that's so true ! At the end of the day I had to choose to be that passenger or get left behind...so in some ways I really didn't have a choice.
When I spoke to the counsellor she said as parents in this situation we often mourn the loss of the dreams we'd created for future. The solution is to create new dreams together...I think that's something we should all try to do when faced with change in our lives.

Thank you for the suggestion regarding focusing on more positive transition stories as I do tend to look for the worst then hope for the the best. I seen some really inspiring videos on Youtube and because my knowledge is somewhat limited perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places.

There's one last thing I'd just like to share....until my son (who presented happy) told me he was feeling suicidal and had impulses to drive his car into an oncoming truck, I had no idea just how much pain he was going through. I'd just like to say from this one single guys point of view, I believe and trust just how important these necessary changes are...and I will do my best to educate others whenever I get the opportunity.

To you Kristina, I apologise if I bought up any painful memories during my post...it was never my intention. It's a lesson for me and I will try to remain more mindful of others experiences from here on in. You seem like such a kind and genuinely caring person (taking the time for you to reply only enforces that opinion) I hope one day those people finally wake up to just who they're missing out on.

Finally thank you for allowing me (an outsider) to participate on this site.

Welcome to Susan's place. I am happy that you have accepted your new daughter and you still remain close.

I have been living as a woman starting in 1980 when I was 28 years old. I am consider tall by male standards but yet i have been able to find work most of the time and am self supporting. While people have talked to me about my past, I have never been physically or verbally attacked in all those years. The world is becoming a much more understanding place than when I started and as long as your daughter uses a little common sense, she should never come to harm.

Just as anyone born female there are places that should be avoided. I am aware I have lost my male immunity so I am careful to avoid places that might be dangerous. That still leaves me many places to go and see so in no way am I prevented from exploring the world.

If you have questions about my life, feel free to ask them. I am comfortable with my past and am willing to share with you if it will help ease your mind.

Hi KatelynBG,
Thank you for your kind words...I'm not so sure I'm a good Dad, we certainly had a few hiccups and I'm ashamed about the fact it took me a few months to completely except without question.

1.3OAM here, good night all.

Take a pat on the back Dad...great courage great compassion and I hope you enjoy having your new daughter. Sit back strap in and enjoy the ride

Ok,

your worried and you should be. You have valid concerns, but taking the word transgender away from how you feel about the child you have always known as a son.

And it becomes clear you talk about said child Like any farther would about a daughter. The question is, would you force a child you had always known as a daughter to stop dressing as they choose, and taking part in activities they like, and to dress and act and be manly for their safety?

You have troubble getting used to saying she/her in refference to said child because, you have had a much longer time to get used to callng them him/he. In time when you have known them longer as her/she then you have him/he this will be easeyer.

Your concerned about your childs safety, because you are awear of the extra dangers a transwoman faces, just as you would worry over the extra dangers a none trans woman faces. This doesnt make you a bad dad.

What you feel about this situation doesnt make you a bad dad. What would make you a bad dad, would be if your treat, a trans child different from a none trans child.

example.
if you didnt like a none trans daughter wearing a short skirt, then its fair to not like a trans daughter wearing a short skirt too.

and if you wouldnt say to a none trans daughter,you should look like a man because i dont want you being raped and murderd, then you shouldnt say it to your trans daughter either.

Having concernes for your childes safetey, is a good thing. But remember this, emotional safety needs to e adressed too.

-----------------------------------------------------

Ill talk a little bit about my fathers reactions. and the greater bond we now have.

when I told him most of what he knew about me was an act. He  started crying while going through old photos, mourning the loss of his child.

It was made eaeyer for him, when I took them off of him. I said dad this is still part of my past, the happyness you see here is genuin. Im heppy because im eating an icecream with my dad. what im was wering didnt matter.

This aliviated some of his heartache. I went on to exsplain that he wasnt loosing me. He was probably for the first time in his life gatting to know me as a person.

I exsplained that, when I came home from school after drawing a picture on pink paper and getting beaten up for it was when the acting started. I exsplaind that all I wanted was to be able to come home and cry, and I couldnt because instead of being comforted,  I would be met with disgust and got told to stop crying and take it like a man, or told to grow a pair.

Because of this, In front of my dad, for his benifit, I would hold it all in and pretened it didnt hurt, pretend that I was tough. I pretended to be what he wanted me to be, because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I couldnt make my dad happy but the part I played did. This put me in a position where I though my dad didnt love me, which was the most painfull thing about my life.

I believed that in order to be happy I had to make my dad un-happy, The though of making my dad un-happy made me un-happy. I saw that no matter what i did, I couldnt be happy. This ment I didnt care about my future, I stopped caring about myself, a life without happyness isnt worth living.

But I came out to my dad, I was lucky, realy, realy lucky. I know this, because my dad does worry, now my dad calls me if i dont call him, he stands in the window when Im due home. HE bought me an attack alarm. And for the first time in my life I know that my dad loves me as much as I love him.

I think that out of everything I have said to you so far, this might be the most help.

When I got beaten up before, I would hope that It would kill me, because I thought it better to die as my dad wanted me to be, and I didnt want to put him though a self termination.

Now, when I get beaten, I hope they stop before I die. I want to live, I DONT just let it happen anymore, i fight back as best I can, I bite, slap, knee in the nuts, scratch and pull hair. And you know what? it works far better then my kicks and punches ever did. I do more to avoid beatings too. And I have that attack alarm.

Point Im making is, although I might be seen as a target for attack by my dad. Because I now have a future worth living for, Im much better at fighting to preseve it, Im not fighting to conform to exspectations, Im fightng to preseve my life. And Im much better equiped to preseve it then I ever was before, both with my attitude towards my future, and with the equipment my dad gives me.

So believe it or not, your concerns show us and your child you care about their safety, and caring about their safety, shows you love them, more then trying to get the pronoun right all the time to save arguments.

Get to know your child, and I can almost guarantie their will be aspect of their personailty that dont change. Smile and cherrish these aspects, because these aspects are parts of the child you have always known, and try and look at the differences as knowing more about that child.

Congrats on supporting your daughter through this. Family support is probably the most important thing that every trans person needs, and having you in her corner will make the whole process much easier for her. She's very lucky to have you... and you're lucky to have her too.

I'd like to touch on a couple of points from your posts if I may. Just a quick bit of background about me: I'm in my 40s and I have two daughters, the eldest being only slightly younger than yours. So the advice I offer comes from the perspective of both a transgender person, and a fellow parent.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 07:58:29 AM
initially my reactions swung from anger to overwhelming sadness. As time went by I new I needed to stretch myself and grow or our relationship would possibly disappear forever.

You're human; when we experience this sort of upheaval in our lives, it's only natural to experience the various stages of grief. Many loved ones of trans people experience grief, and it can be absolutely hellish for all involved. Fear, anger, sadness... all of these are steps we take on the path to acceptance. But acceptance must be the end result, because change is afoot and everyone involved will have no choice but to adjust in good time. It's great that you've realised this.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 07:58:29 AM
Fast forward a few months and I've been seeing counsellors on a regular basis and throwing myself into hundreds of hours of research on the computer (things are improving and I even have my daughters new name in my phone contacts)

I know I'm a complete stranger and a (non) whinging Pom to boot... but I'm inordinately proud of you for doing all of that. If only more parents were so supportive.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 07:58:29 AM
...will she be discriminated against when it comes to employment ? And what about her safety, she's only of slight build and say's her transition should allow her to live happily in Stealth but I worry continually for her safety ... If I could I would always be there to protect her but that's just not humanly possible.

In all honesty, you sound like every loving dad of every daughter, ever. It's natural to worry about how people will treat your daughter: will she be safe? will she be discriminated against? can she walk down the street without being assaulted? Every decent dad has these worries about his little girl. But of course there's the trans angle, and you're worried that she'll get extra uphill because of that. Well, it's possible... but what choice does she have? It's not like she could pretend to be a cisgender guy just so that people won't discriminate against her. That's not an option, because Gender Dysphoria doesn't go away on its own; if left untreated it would only get worse until she would drive her car towards that oncoming truck. In an ideal world she'd have been born cisgender, but this isn't an ideal world and we don't get to choose our gender. All we can do is to make the best of whatever life we've been given... and this is the only life she has.

I spent the first 40 years of my life in a diminutive, female body trying to navigate my way through life whilst presenting as a woman. I spent about 20 of those years in one of the most violent cities in the world: Johannesburg. And you know what? I'm just fine. I learned some street smarts, I was careful where I went, and I managed to get myself a pretty impressive career despite being in possession of the sort of chromosomes that often lead to lower salaries and fewer prospects for advancement. Your daughter will be absolutely fine, and she'll have the added advantage of working in a field that will have plenty of opportunities for her as a woman.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 10:09:13 AM
There's one last thing I'd just like to share....until my son (who presented happy) told me he was feeling suicidal and had impulses to drive his car into an oncoming truck, I had no idea just how much pain he was going through.

Just an observation: as you say you're a typical Aussie bloke with all that that entails, so it's entirely likely that your daughter spent years worrying about telling you how she felt, because she knew that society/tradition/whatever would expect her to emulate your example and didn't want to 'let you down'. Many trans people spend years hiding our pain from our loved ones, either to avoid being criticised or bullied for it (like I was) or to avoid hurting our families. That's probably why you had no idea what was happening: she loves you & was probably scared of hurting you... or worse yet, losing you.

There is some evidence of this: your daughter chose to come out to you in a letter, rather than in a face-to-face meeting. Many trans people do this, mainly because we have a huge fear of being rejected by our families. Just as your initial reaction was fear of losing your best mate, her worry was that she would lose the only parent she has, and that she would be completely alone in this world. It would've been terrifying for her. Many of us have lost our families as a result of transitioning, so it must be a huge relief to her that you're taking this so well. Please continue to reassure her that you love her and want to support her; it'll mean the world to her.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 10:09:13 AM
Finally thank you for allowing me (an outsider) to participate on this site.

You're not an outsider: you have a family member who is trans... which makes you part of our extended family.  :D

You might also be interested in the 'Significant Others' forum here at Susan's; it's a place where friends, relatives and other loved ones who know somebody who's trans can support each other and gain strength from each other's experiences. You can find it here. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html)


I wish you & your daughter the very best on this journey that you're both taking together. :)

You rock!

Try not to be embarrassed.

There are many here who feel the way Kristina does. If only I had a father like this. But that's okay.

The fact that you are taking the time to understand and research what your daughter is going through is huge.

When I read what you had written I was going to touch on subjects that after going through the thread seem to have been covered. But will that stop me, oh, no. However, the world is lucky today and I will keep it brief.

Others have touched on the fact that you are focused on what is lost. Your son may not be seen again. However, from what you have said and how you seem to behave with one another, you have a powerful bond. If that is the case, the memories will not be lost, just remembered with a different perspective. Your acceptance of her will make you so strong together. However, as Kristina pointed out, she is driving now. Isn't that what we as parents want ultimately. We are bringing up adults, not children.

I have three teenage daughters. I worry about them. I know they are physically more vulnerable than their male counter parts. However, as parents we have to let them practice what we teach. I understand all too well the threat to a transgender person(as we count the growing number of murders here in the US). Whether the threat is from someone else or ourselves. Open communications is key. It will be a long potentially painful journey. However, the outcome is a person that is better than they were before. When you feel like you belong in your skin and you like what you see in the mirror life is worth so much more.

Don't worry about bringing up bad memories for any of us here. That's part of why this site exists. To help both the people with questions and those reminded of their haunted past, present or future. You are not imposing. You are not an outsider(trust me, we know about outsiders).

Okay, you had some bumps. Maybe did not feel like the father of the year then(or now?). However, you kept working. Transition is an on going process, not just some medical procedures when you are mentally ready for them. It continues until all feels normal. There is saying that when a person transitions, so does their family. So, the bumps you experienced and how you continued are not the war. However, you can celebrate a little now. You won a big victory. Maybe you could(at the risk of getting too Game of Thrones) throw a naming party for her. It could become an yearly event to celebrate with your newly minted daughter.

Okay, I lied again. It wasn't so short. Sorry. I got excited. One of the things that never goes away for most of us on the transgender spectrum is a touch of sadness. Your post just made my day and given me hope.

I hope your collective journeys go smoothly.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

You'll be all right. She needs her freedom. You haven't lost anything.

Quote from: Still Learning on August 27, 2015, 10:31:27 AM
Hi KatelynBG,
Thank you for your kind words...I'm not so sure I'm a good Dad, we certainly had a few hiccups and I'm ashamed about the fact it took me a few months to completely except without question.

1.3OAM here, good night all.

Life quality after transition can be hugely impacted by familial support. As trans people, we learn to protect ourselves by expecting total rejection from our closest loved ones. Taking a look around these forums will give you numerous examples of rejection. I myself am only out to my wife and she has said multiple times that it'll either be her and the kids or I transition, but not both. It has caused endless pain for me as I continue to not be myself for the sake of my loved ones.

I told my mom recently that when I was born she wanted a girl and she thought she had a boy but the boy really turned out to be a girl. Is that double speak?

Okay, I don't know you but the tears are welling up in my eyes as I read between the lines of your post. You love your daughter and you are facing almost the same challenge she had to face for nearly her whole life. Look how long it took her to come to terms with it. It is breathtaking how far you have come in such a short time.

I had a very difficult time with my family. But ultimately, I remained close and never gave up on my folks. It took them years and neither could ever come to a place like this and pour their heart out like you have. Sadly, Daddy passed away 4 years ago but we were never closer than those last few years. The same is true for Mom. It has been 28 years since I transitioned and this week was the first time that she told me that I looked pretty.

The world is different now than it was thirty years ago. Many people now are very accepting and others just try to ignore it. Yes there are dangers, especially when telling a boy you love about your past. But so is riding a motor cycle. And all you can do is to tell her to be careful while you wait for something to happen. But you'd be doing that for your daughter anyway.

The biggest fear she may face is rejection in relationships. Some of us get lucky. Most don't. So, be there for her. Give her a big shoulder to cry on and make sure you keep a box of tissues in the house. She may decide to go totally stealth. Most of us discover that is quite impossible because if we introduce our family, the secret will eventually come out. And I don't know anyone here who doesn't or wouldn't love their family. Some of us yearn for our families to let us back into the fold.

You will find a new child and a new friend. And as she comes brightly back into your life you will recognize the light that has been missing. Your relationship will be stronger than it ever has been. Nearly every girl wants to be hugged by her daddy. And consider this. She gave you the gift of two children, of two lives to cherish and remember, all in the same person. How precious is that?

You are trying to get the pronouns correct and that is so important to us. When you use she and her in her presence or to others even behind her back you are saying to her, "I love you so much and I want to be part of your life." That will not be lost on her. It means everything.

Be thankful that she has figured this out now instead of down the road in ten or twenty years after testosterone has devastated her body into the manliness that she so desperately fears in herself.

And one more thing..... will you be my Daddy for a day? Mine is gone.

My best to you down under,
Cindi

So many beautiful and personal replies from such caring people...I thought I'd had those tears under control in the last few weeks....I wish I could hug you all individually.
Talking to all of you who have "the lived experience" is so much more real than a thousand counselling sessions. To actually take all that time out to reply, really blows me away and I can't say thank you enough times to convey my appreciation.

So far my daughter has not had one negative comment aimed in her direction, and after listening to everyone's insights on this subject maybe I am overreacting in my fears. It's just hard when you know that this is her journey and that journey is going to be tougher than you envisaged for your child. Being just the two of us, we grew up so very close, and me just being your average guy it's hard not to worry about doing the wrong thing and losing that closeness.

Three months ago, none of these situations would have even crossed my mind but I know this is a safe place to share my thoughts. Part of me is still sad about losing my son but at the same time I find it weird that here I am hoping that my new daughter looks as feminine as possible so life will hopefully be a little easier. It all feels so surreal....it's feels like one force is driving against the other. I'm finding the (in between) transition stage a little hard to get my head around, because I still see parts of my son poking through this new women. And I realise as we rush forward I'm losing (visually) my old child but also wanting change because I know she will be safer and that she is also finally heading in the direction of happiness.

I feel really comfortable here in regard to being able to ask questions without always burdening my child. That's such a rare opportunity and I hope other family members are appreciative of your openness.

One last question, can someone give me a rough transition timeline...is their a time when HRT really starts to kick in, or is it more a slow day to day change over a few years. I still have so much to learn, maybe I'm too intrusive and I should just stand quietly in the background and be here if my help is needed.

One last time, to all those who have taken the time to read or reply. I hope your kindness is returned in double.

Sincerely Andrew

People react differently to hormones. Most people notice changes pretty quickly but understand that a woman take around 10 years to reach maturity. After 2 or 3 year many changes will be pretty visible. I was one of those people who started out skinny and after a quarter of a century, still don't have much of a figure. I am comfortable with that as I have the life of a woman and that was all I wanted. Many of the changes the hormones make are small but add up. An example would be changes to the face. No major changes but often enough to push the face from masculine to feminine. Before and after pictures give you a better idea than watching changes day to day.

As for unemployment, that is a point. I was preparing to transition on the job and was out to management when they had a massive layoff of around 700 people out of 1000. It is hard to tell me that the though didn't cross their mind that slipping me into the outgoing stream wouldn't be a good way to solve another problem. I say this because the management of the company was very religious in the way that isn't good.

When I was out of work, tended to be out of work for far longer periods of time that were normal. I wasn't as stealth as others are and that may have cost me a few possible jobs as well. On the other hand, I took my last job in 1986 and still receive a check from it. My boss is aware of my history but I would be near impossible to replace and we have a friendship as well as a working relationship that keeps that check coming in.

I am on this website because I was a pioneer and much of what I needed was hard to find and I spent a good deal of money and effort completing my transition. I am here to help the current generation avoid what I had to deal with and the wave of the future may be children transitioning by age 13 or 14 so us old timers who lived two different lives may become a thing of the past.

Andrew - I'm sure every parent only wants the best for their child. The usually the only real trouble is figuring out what that really is...

I transitioned and had SRS a lifetime ago. I grew up openly transgender in the 1960's in the UK which was neither usual nor easy at times.

I'm sure my parents shared many of your fears, but like you they had enough respect for my inteligence to let me choose my own path, and I'm grateful that they did.

No one can tell what lies ahead for your daughter. There are indeed bad people in the world, but those of us who have been brought up well can generally spot and avoid them.

As for the rest, well I'm now a widow having lived with a loving partner for 25 years, with whom I fostered children, cared for dying relatives, built a property investement portfolio and many other things.

In terms of my own career I've been an aerospace engineer (I once even did some work for the biggest name you can think of in space exploration). Later I moved into broadcasting and worked for the BBC in London, and now quite late in my life I'm at medical school and training as a doctor.

What I'm trying to say is this: your fears do you credit, but dont let them paralyse you because as i have proved, while transitioning and SRS (if desired - I definitely did!) is not a usual thing to do, it is not a death knell to ambition. Heck you don't even have to do that awful stealth thing! I briefly started out like that, because like you daughter I could, but then I soon thought - whats the point of hiding who I am - so mostly I have achieved what I acheieved whilst being open about my background. I don't "advertise" it - but I also refuse to hide it as if it were shameful because, speaking as a medical student for a moment, everything I have learned about the human mind teaches me that doing that is not really healthy, and leads to fear and insecurity.

So rest easier my friend. It is possible for your daughter to have an enviable life, to be open and honest, and to find love and success. There are no guarrantees in life, but it is undoubtedly better to have lived life, than to have run away from it.

You're definitely a good father. It's normal for a parent to have a bad reaction to this kind of thing. It's life changing and not easy to understand, for you and for her. You might have troubles calling her, her, but you're already treating her like your precious little daughter. Wanting to protect her and keep her out of harms way. But she's gotta be able to live her life. Denying who she is and pretending to be man will hurt her more than anything anyone else could throw at her. The best thing you can do is love and worry about her and help her pick up the pieces when things go wrong. I would love to have you as a dad :)

I'm sure my "thank you's" must sound like a broken record but please understand its the only way I can convey my heart felt appreciation. I guess life is a bit of a "roll of the dice" and I have to let go of my fears and have a little more faith.
The courage of some of your shared journeys and experiences just leaves me in awe...it's funny how the world defines heroics.

I hadn't even started to think about relationships and the possibility of loneliness..I stayed on my own raising my son because we were happy and I didn't want to risk that happiness. I just always hoped my child's life would be more fulfilling than mine. At this point in time she's so happy being herself I don't think she's even contemplated a long term relationship but rest assured I will always be here if she needs me...fingers crossed she (and all of us) have good luck.

I do have this photo she emailed me and gave me permission to use, it's still early days and I'm trying to remain supportive and encouraging (that's why I asked about HRT) because it's been 9 weeks. I just still get scared that she's moving to quickly and it's to early to go public. http://imgur.com/TKiK1Qh  but I've taken the tip about not being the bus driver and will let life run it's course.

Once again thanks heaps and have a great weekend....Andrew

Massively big warm welcome to Susan's Andrew

We are honoured to have you with us, you are an inspiration and obviously care very much for your daughter.

I think she is right that there are a lot more warm and accepting people in the world than the nots! The very fact that you have come here and are asking the right questions show that you care and how far you have come.

Those fears you are talking about stopped me and made me hide behind a marriage for over 40 odd years, to scared to be honest and outcast during the dark years. Then Kids, marriages and grandkids have had me continue that hiding over the last few years, despite starting the journey (HRT), so I held back for the same reasons that you have now turned about from.

As far as how quickly does HRT work, it depends on each individual, their age and other bodily state... its true to say the younger, the quicker and better results are obtained, also testosterone has not affected the body as much as say someone my age (62).

Oh by the way, please have a review of the following to help you around the forum's

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The world can learn a lot from caring people like yourself.

hugs

Katy

Thanks so much for words of encouragement Katrinaw, I think your photo looks great and it makes me smile to think that you are living your dream.

I'm really sorry I contravened the rules with my daughters photo...I just had it in my brain to be polite and when I received such a warm welcome I just got carried away with all the great friendship.

Please believe the last thing I ever wanted to do was to upset anyone.

Kind regards
Andrew

Andrew, you are fine... we are happy for you showing a photo of your lovely Daughter, I'd be very proud too.

I am almost there, living the dream... just one more hurdle.

Katy xx

People move into the new role without the aid of HRT and often can pass well. As for your daughter, I think she already looks female and at first glance, I thought I was looking at a young Liza Minnelli. The hardest part of passing often is not physical appearance but becoming comfortable society and developing the mind set that you belong. From the smile on her face, I think she may already be comfortable with her new role.

WOW!   She is so cute! This should be a snap for her. I hope it goes as easily and smoothly as it can for her and you.

When you ask about HRT time line. Do you mean literally what changes she can expect and when or when will most of the changes be done? Two things were mentioned so far:
1 It is different for everyone
2 Usually starting closer to puberty tends to have quick and better effects.

I am only just starting this very soon myself. So I do not have the ability to speak from personal experience. However, there do tend to be specific things that happen in a typical order within a given time frame. I think I can honestly say that while some are able to rush through in under 2 years to do a full transition many seem to take 3-4 years and by then the HRT has evened out but there may still be additional changes. Please correct me, if I am giving faulty information, anyone.

Oh, and it is very tempting to rush ahead into everything as it all seems to be exciting and so right. If you can encourage her to take her time and feel and think through things. I don't remember seeing whether she is doing therapy at university. If she is not, she really should. I imagine there may be fewer bottoming out moments.

I think I can speak for most of us when I say things can be going very well, then crash. She may be moving along with no problems from others. However, a voice or feeling in the head(or from someone else whether thinking about it or not) may bring about huge depressive moments. I think HRT can cause some mood shifts(am I wrong about that?). Many of us will have crashing points. Doubts like: am I doing the wrong thing; I am just a fake; I hate how I look; I don't pass, everybody knows; I am a freak and will never fit in; why don't they have those shoes in my size(okay, you caught me. maybe not that one)... She may just need her friends, a supportive parent or to visit that therapist. We usually can bounce back  without too much problem but it can seem very dire and dreadful at the moment. The hard part for you might  be that she may more want/need a friend.

Have to get back to work.

We are all here and pulling for you and she.

With warmth,

Joanna

Still Learning,


Will you be my daddy too!  LOL.  Stop making me cry so much!  [emoji14]


To reiterate what others have said, HRT takes a long time to work its magic.  Before and after photos (or monthly photo updates) are good measurement tools, as well as tape measures to check shifts in body dimensions.  I take my measurements every month now so I can stay encouraged even when I can't see the changes day-to-day.


I think she's very cute and has lots of potential!  Longer hair will help too, but that takes a while to grow out as well.  The in-between stages are definitely difficult to suffer through, but you shouldn't have anything to worry about.  She already looks like a girl to me!  :)

Hi Andrew.

It is awesome what you are doing for your daughter. You are trying learn about and understand what it is she is going through. You are sticking by her and being the living parent she needs. Nobody can ask any more than that. I have looked at the photo you shared and she looks beautiful. I cannot see anything in the photo that suggests that she is anything other than a happy young lady. I wish you both the very best. She is very lucky to have you looking out for her best interests. I'm glad she had the courage to face all this at a young age with her whole life in front of her.

I too am an Aussie. There doesn't seem to be too many people on here from Australia, but there a few.

Jayne

You have a lovely daughter, and the fact that you are trying to do right by her means a lot.

My one tip: practice saying your daughter's new name and pronouns, calling her your daughter, saying she's beautiful rather than handsome, etc. It's hard for all people, parents especially, to get used to that kind of switch, but after it comes out of your mouth enough times, it'll start feeling natural and right. And hearing it from you without any hesitation or stumbling will probably mean the world to her. It always has to me.

Good luck to you both. :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hey Andrew you really are a great Dad.  A sense of loss and grieving for who you knew as your son is reasonable and a frequent concern for significant others and families of those who transition.  We all grieve in our own way and recover at our own pace.  I trust your love for her and sense of rediscovery will prevail.

I started my training to be a registered nurse back in 1973.  That was one of the best decisions I ever made and was a career where I worked with many other women in a collegial and supportive atmosphere.  The career field provides for unlimited opportunities and I chose advanced education to become an anesthetist.  I certainly think she is considering a great career option as she may have some special empathy and interest in mental health.

Thank you for sharing with us here.

Still, you did not violate the rules. You are good there. It's just that the site does not allow you to upload a picture of yourself (the one on your left) next to your posts for a bit. It's a programming setting not a rule to abide by.

Now concerning your daughter's appearance... Oh my, how so many of us are drooling. She is absolutely stunning. She won't have any problems. HRT? It helps many. Didn't do much for me. I just had to tough it out. So what if I have the shape of a teeny bopper, now reaching for my sixtieth in a couple of months.  I just wear teeny bopper shaped clothes. My avatar pic is current by the way.

Concerning her looks, she will do extremely well. She will just become prettier no matter how HRT affects her. Sometimes, just the change in attitude makes a world of difference. She and you will be happy.

Cindi

You are being a wonderful father.  Hugs!

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

She looks like a happy, happy, young lady and I am sure she will be able to easily blend into the crowd safely. I am sure with the number of posts on this thread you can see that this community cares about its own and their families. Just remember you are never alone and neither is your daughter. Good luck with he journey ahead, I am sure it will be a steep learning curve for you both. Take care

Sarah T

Thanks heaps Sarah (one of my favourite names) It really makes me feel relieved to know that others think she will be able to blend in okay...at the end of the day all I can wish for is her happiness and safety.

I'm sure we will go through the usual father, daughter hiccups but thanks to everyone here I now see them more as average parental concerns rather than catastrophes waiting to happen.

Hope everyone has a great weekend
Andrew x