Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Since finally confronting my feelings over 18 months ago, I have taken many incremental steps towards a potential transition. Therapy, weight loss, laser hair removal, building a wardrobe, hair transplant, learning makeup, voice training, leaving my family, coming out to friends and family, increasingly going out in public and now an HRT trial. Playing the devils advocate, and in reference to the title of this post, is it possible to end up doing something that I would never do, just by following a series of small steps? Does this make the final destination invalid or worse, simply incorrect? I'd appreciate any thoughts others might have on this.

Hi Hon,

Not too sure what you mean.

I went through the same and did small steps until I was ready then one Friday afternoon I announced at work I was Cindy and I would be in on Monday as me. I had been called out because of my nail polish, androgynous clothes, hair style., laser, but no one had really noticed.

So I went for it. It was fine.

To be honest looking back it was one of the easier things I have faced and one of the most enjoyable changes in my life.

Yes it is a big step but so what.

There are bigger challenges in life, living as your affirmed gender is, to be honest, pretty mundane :-*

I think the small steps are in breaking down fear, not in progressing down the wrong path. I expect it would get worse if you did that.

Cindy, I think my entire post is an example of the problem I've always had. I'm an IT engineer, every problem can be analysed, solution defined, implemented, and the problem solved. When it comes to my feelings and emotions (because I boxed them away for so long) I'm unable to make personal choices. I've taken almost every practical, logical step I can, but that final choice to transition can still be nothing more than a gut feeling. When I list the steps I've already taken, it shocks me, though each one on its own was fine. For my own peace, I need to have maximum confidence in my decision, knowing it will never be 100%. I'm almost there, my HRT trial is about the last thing I can do, and the experience has been positive so far. This is probably my final validation of how I got to my current position, and if the final step is correct.

One small step at a time is my motto. It's such a major change especially if you are an Alpha male. One point that I have become aware of is that so many of us take years to accept who we are yet, we only tolerate instant acceptance from family and friends.  Spend the time to explain. .most can't even imagine why we have chosen this path. Give them elbow room to accept and don't get upset or depressed if it's not instant.

AnonyMs, I agree, and I couldn't see any other way, I guess this is just a 'sense check' for me. Each step I've taken has been positive, despite some costing me much either emotionally or financially. There is nothing to suggest that the next step to go full-time won't also be a positive one.
WarlockMaker, my parents have struggled to accept the new me, but despite some very hurtful words from them, I do empathise with them, and my door will always be open to them.

I hope I haven't offended. I am also a logical person but I had to admit that my emotional supports (?) ideas changed when I transitioned.

That is a way of saying I accepted my changes and I found it easy to accept that change when I did.

 

Yes, there are likely to be things you will do that you wouldn't have done had you not taken all those small steps, but that doesn't make those things invalid. The small steps help to build skills and confidence and a greater understanding...without which you may not feel prepared to make the greater leaps.

Transitioning is an unbelievably huge thing to grapple with. Taking it in an incremental fashion and gaining comfort with each step prior to taking the next step makes complete sense to me. It is the way I transitioned over a period of years.

To put it in the parlance of your job just think of a long and gradual transition as an extended beta test - you want to find and fix any flaws and ensure that the solution suits the problem prior to going "live" on what is a mission critical system. IT people will understand this cautious approach.

I don't believe that you would be transitioning if you weren't actually transgender - every step feels correct to you, right? You are simply becoming the authentic you.

Cindy, there was no offense at all, only jealousy on my part at how you are able to boil down something I see as so huge into something so simple!
MsGrace, I think you've said what I needed to hear.
Objectivity in something so subjective is my way of working through all of this; welcome to the odd workings of my mind!

Eva, yes, so far, each step has felt right. In IT parlance, I guess my initial question was just a validation of my test cases. The product is in Beta, ready to ship soon

OK I will be totally unfair. I promise I shall be so to others in future but you are number 3.
(Number 1 & 2 have made promises in PM's)

I was asked by my boyfriend if I could survive my cancer if I was still Peter.

I said no.

I told him and I will tell you that being me has been the happiest time in my life.

Cindy is one strong chick.

Get your fears together and put them in some trash can and live your life.

One day you may face what I face and then you need to decide if life is worth living.

It is if you are true to yourself.

With Love

Cindy

Cindy, I think you're allowed to be as unfair as you want ;-)
Thank you all for your thoughts on this.

Transitioning is, to me, like building an airplane, (which I have done,) an unbelievably daunting task. So much of it you have absolutely no idea how to do, so you start building pieces. As you go you build up your skills, learn, and think. When you get to them the harder parts seem easier. You get help when you need it and, little by little you progress.

One day you look up and find that you're done and isn't she a beauty!

My transition outwardly was pretty gradual, i was being androgynous and wearing a largely female wardrobe going back 20 yrs before my decision in 2014 to transition further and identify as a woman.

As a young person, I was married in a tux with panties, bra and stockings underneath (i kid you not)

Its been more the journey than any destination to me.

Quote from: meganjames2 on June 20, 2016, 04:37:12 AM
. . . now an HRT trial.

Give the HRT some time to work.  Lots of folks who have gone this path found that HRT gradually brings a welcome change of outlook and sense of self, in addition to desired bodily/somatic changes.  The engineer in you sees this as a destination or an end product.  Try thinking of it as a process of unlocking and opening.

  I transitioned incrementally out in the open there was no one day I just showed up as a woman at work. I did not and still do not have a master plan, I just keep doing what makes me feel better. I come from an engineering background so planning and analysis are not foreign concepts to me, they just do not seem apply to something so emotion based.

Oh, they do. I was a software engineer from 1981 until 2004. I still think that way. This is really much like that. You visualize the end product. Determine what individual steps you need to get there and revise your design when the real world doesn't match what you assumed. Emotions certainly come into it, but for me, my emotions were so tightly controlled I barely acknowledged their existence. Transitioning allowed me to feel and process them properly for the first time. I would have transitioned into an aardvark to gain that.

Ok, new plan. I'll be the first trans-species HtA (Human-to-Advark). Do I have to eat ants? :-D

Quote from: meganjames2 on June 21, 2016, 03:04:46 AM
Ok, new plan. I'll be the first trans-species HtA (Human-to-Advark). Do I have to eat ants? :-D

At last!

Megan I have a spare room for you and a backyard full of ants. When can you start?

If I'm getting free flights to Oz, I might genuinely consider it haha.

I tend to over analyze things to death. It's an occupational hazard which pays well in my case.

Part of my doubt, along with what was a major concern of my wife, is "The cheering section" factor. Otherwise known as your support structure. In essence just how much 'encouragement' do you get from say a therapist, TG Support group, friends, perhaps even family? My wife used a variation of the Ugly Duckling story; "If you hang around with geese you may begin to think that you are a swan" (Yes, she is weird, and lovable). In my TG Support group every other member had either transitioned to full-time or were earnestly working towards it. I was the lone duck there looking to...'survive'.

Seven years later I am still looking to survive. There have been a lot of changes made starting with the inside and working their way to the outside. I still live and present primarily as male. While early on I had plenty of WTF Am I Doing ??? meltdowns, today if one tries to sneak up on me just one simple look in the mirror to see Joanne looking back is all that is needed to confirm my true inner feelings.

Making changes are scary with all the unknowns. The questions you drive yourself crazy trying to answer. Of course you may be hesitant. Yet I suspect in spite of any cheering section there was something deep down inside that spoke to you. After taking that step there was that voice again saying how happy they are now it is taken. Happy at seeing in time the end results of that step. Now confused over all the fuss before since most if not all that you fretted over was really... nothing or never happened. That it feels Right.

But if there isn't? Perhaps more work is needed on the inside first?

JoanneB, when I first joined here, your story and approach appealed greatly to me. I was keen to keep my family together. But without any real encouragement from others, and having spent way more than a few hours with an excellent therapist, who has remained very neutral to her credit, I can say that a full transition is something I anyways WANTED. My biggest problem was did I NEED it. My journey has slowly lead me to the conclusion that I do, and in fact these have become one and the same. I will continue to take baby steps forward, and I'm always ready to change my view if my feelings change.

I've been spending years analyzing Need To vs Want To. I am thankful I do not need to, Yet. Though there are days....

Quote from: Dee Marshall on June 20, 2016, 08:16:45 PM
Oh, they do. I was a software engineer from 1981 until 2004. I still think that way. This is really much like that. You visualize the end product. Determine what individual steps you need to get there and revise your design when the real world doesn't match what you assumed. Emotions certainly come into it, but for me, my emotions were so tightly controlled I barely acknowledged their existence. Transitioning allowed me to feel and process them properly for the first time. I would have transitioned into an aardvark to gain that.

Being logical and analytical prolonged my suffering by several decades, it was only when I acted  on how I felt that I found any solace.

Quote from: meganjames2 on June 20, 2016, 04:37:12 AM
Since finally confronting my feelings over 18 months ago, I have taken many incremental steps towards a potential transition. Therapy, weight loss, laser hair removal, building a wardrobe, hair transplant, learning makeup, voice training, leaving my family, coming out to friends and family, increasingly going out in public and now an HRT trial. Playing the devils advocate, and in reference to the title of this post, is it possible to end up doing something that I would never do, just by following a series of small steps? Does this make the final destination invalid or worse, simply incorrect? I'd appreciate any thoughts others might have on this.

It is indeed an interesting thought... and maybe it is just that: a thought. I think I can spin it in all directions, even philosophically: all things transition if life, nothing remains the same... maybe that's why I don't like analogies... ;)

But practical: It can feel as if you're growing into it, and fearing you might go beyond what you feel comfortable with. Then you would feel or notice it when you're not comfortable with it. Do you think you reached that point? or is it simply reflecting on where you are going and where you've been? I think it's good to reflect, it's a healthy sign you don't act on impulse but on reflective thoughts...

Quote from: Stevie on June 22, 2016, 09:22:54 AM
Being logical and analytical prolonged my suffering by several decades, it was only when I acted  on how I felt that I found any solace.

Oh, no doubt. For me it wasn't logic and analysis. I was well aware that uninformed logic can be a trap and can justify anything. Garbage In, Garbage Out. For me it was being "noble" and "self sacrificing". Our condition, even though I didn't understand it or realize that I had it, made my esteem very low and that made it very easy to sacrifice my own well being for the benefit of others. I knew there was something unknown wrong with me, I was desperate to be loved and terrified that someone would realize what a "horrible" person I was and I did everything I could for external validation. The one thing I feared most was losing my wife, but my spiraling unhappiness and unwillingness to do for myself was making that happen anyway. When I began to think that there was nothing left in my life worth living for, and then found out what transgender really means it didn't take long for me to gamble everything. Upshot? We're getting a divorce because Randi "isn't a lesbian", but living together more happily than we have in years. At least so it seems to me.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on June 22, 2016, 09:43:33 AM
Oh, no doubt. For me it wasn't logic and analysis. I was well aware that uninformed logic can be a trap and can justify anything. Garbage In, Garbage Out. For me it was being "noble" and "self sacrificing". Our condition, even though I didn't understand it or realize that I had it, made my esteem very low and that made it very easy to sacrifice my own well being for the benefit of others. I knew there was something unknown wrong with me, I was desperate to be loved and terrified that someone would realize what a "horrible" person I was and I did everything I could for external validation. The one thing I feared most was losing my wife, but my spiraling unhappiness and unwillingness to do for myself was making that happen anyway. When I began to think that there was nothing left in my life worth living for, and then found out what transgender really means it didn't take long for me to gamble everything. Upshot? We're getting a divorce because Randi "isn't a lesbian", but living together more happily than we have in years. At least so it seams to me.

Dee,
Your story is so similar to mine , I am still having issues with with putting others before myself to my own detriment.