Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I decided not to transition because of many reasons, especially not wanting to end up alone by destroying my marriage and close relationships. I struggle with gender dysphoria and have my good days and bad. I am just wondering how you others who have decided not to transition are handling it.

I haven't decided not to, just put it off for similar reasons. As time goes on though, I seem to move millimeter by millimeter towards it. I don't think I could handle the idea of never transitioning. At some point I have to be authentic. That happens when the pain of being inauthentic exceeds the pain of embarrassment and loss or the fear of.


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I actually went thru a phase where I identified as a non-transitioning transgender woman.  It didn't last too long. About 6 months.  In the end the lure of HRT was just too overwhelming/powerful.

I wish you the best but from my experince, the decision to transition will probably one day soon become over powering. T is a horrid hormone

I decided not to transition around 1999. My reasons were similar to yours, my gf was supportive of my being trans but not of surgical transition. However the main reason was that GCS then required a year RLE with absolute stipulation that one had to be passing - basically a beauty contest. Also while I knew people who'd been covered by insurance, my employer was certainly not that sort of forward thinking and I was having enough trouble meeting commitments as it was without paying for GCS.

That lasted until 2013 when severe depression caught up with me (that's when I realized it, it had been sneaking up on me for about 3 years of denial.

I didn't even realize dysphoria was the root of the problem. Yes there were other things that needed work and I've worked on all of it but at every single turn, dysphoria was right there, either a root cause or complicating factor.

I started HRT at the end of 2015 and decided to proceed to GCS within 3 months, the rest is well documented in my threads.

Op you made your decision a couple of months ago, live with it for a few years and see how it's holding up.

I decided to medically transition, but not socially transition. I can just couldn't manage without hrt. It's been w whole lot better than nothing and buys time, but I don't think I can do it forever.

Quote from: AnonyMs on June 29, 2017, 04:45:51 PM
I decided to medically transition, but not socially transition. I can just couldn't manage without hrt. It's been w whole lot better than nothing and buys time, but I don't think I can do it forever.

By medically transition, do you mean just hormones?  Or surgery too?

Quote from: AnneK on June 29, 2017, 04:50:28 PM
By medically transition, do you mean just hormones?  Or surgery too?

The day I don't end up divorced is the day I book surgery.

After lots of soul searching and therapy, I've decided not to transition.  I've come to terms with the question and see the balance of pain and life catastrophe to far exceed the incremental happiness I might accrue from the process.  I have come to accept who and what I am.

No HRT, no surgery, no social transition or RLE.  Still unrevealed to my family, friends and colleagues.

It's coming up on a year, and so far, so good.

The help I've received on this site has in large part made this possible to work through and survive.

Thanks to all, especially several very special people who helped me through some tough times.

Steph

Drink the cool aid, it taste cold.


Seriously the only thing you have to do in life is what you want to do. Depression from disphobia or depression from losing your life, depression is depression, just pick your depression. Maybe someday someone will invent a time machine and you won't have to choose between family or transition. Note, I have already reserved this time machine, so get behind me while you can.


Honestly if you put the cool aid in front of me I would want to drink it, but I would instead get up and run as fast as I could away. That would help me through another night or week, then I will be right back here staring at the glass waiting for the cool aid to be poured.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 29, 2017, 09:49:33 PM
Seriously the only thing you have to do in life is what you want to do. Depression from disphobia or depression from losing your life, depression is depression, just pick your depression.

What if there is a third option? Is our fate that we are not in control or do we have a choice as to how we want to live our lives? I for one acknowledge my gender dysphoria on bad days and then throw it for a time into the imaginary ocean until it comes back in with the tide later on. It helps to accept that although I am envious of women with vaginas, I will never have one. Surgery is not an option after reading about how they do it and potential complications. In the mean time, I choose to celebrate my life, including all the love I have from my wife, kids and friends. I have realized I do have a choice and it is very freeing. I might add that I have suffered from life long depression because of repressed TG feelings, including overdoses and ECT, so this hasn't been easy for me.

I do not know how you guys do it. If I feel transgender, I cannot see how I could get past it.
And I haven't got passed it either, I tried everything, nothing worked. And yea ther are alot of negatives, but the positives greatly out weigh them.
I at times wish I could have split my life to have a male me too, not for myself but for all those who can't get past my being trans. They can keep that dud lol

If you have managed to find a way that truly gets you passed the feelings of being trans, and the feeling of time running out (this is what plagued my mind) I would have loved to hear it maybe 6 years ago.
But now I love my life, so nope I'm not going back

I wish you all the best of luck on your journeys, you are all very brave and strong.

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on June 30, 2017, 02:33:19 PM
I wish you all the best of luck on your journeys, you are all very brave and strong.

Absolutely the same to you!

Quote from: Steph Eigen on June 29, 2017, 09:30:21 PM
After lots of soul searching and therapy, I've decided not to transition.  I've come to terms with the question and see the balance of pain and life catastrophe to far exceed the incremental happiness I might accrue from the process.  I have come to accept who and what I am.

No HRT, no surgery, no social transition or RLE.  Still unrevealed to my family, friends and colleagues.

It's coming up on a year, and so far, so good.

The help I've received on this site has in large part made this possible to work through and survive.

Thanks to all, especially several very special people who helped me through some tough times.

Steph

Excellent...Peace comes in many forms and it sounds like you have found yours.  :)

As long as the good days vastly outnumber the bad days I'm kind of sort of sure I can keep this train (wreck) on the non-binary track. I know that even if I did/could do a full social transition I'd still have bad days. Practically everyone does. Otherwise there wouldn't a host of multi-billion dollar "Feel-Good" industries out there.

Taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, has given me the inner strength, the knowledge, and importantly the confidence to know that if the day ever comes that I NEEDED to do a full transition I can, hence most likely will. Hopefully, all the other aspects of my life that are important to me will remain intact. Hopefully any losses will be inconsequential in light of the good days outnumbering the bad

I have been on HRT for a while and have grown my hair past my shoulders.  I have not socially transitioned although male fail is pretty commonplace.  As long as the dysphoria is gone I'm perfectly happy and for now at least it's gone or on the rare bad days minimal.   Is that transition, part transition, not transition?  I don't know.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

To the two ladies above me I must commend you, and well i must commend all of you actually for your own self discovery. It is hard for sure, but every route is awesome as long as you are happy. To the OP, there have been days i thought about maybe not fully transitioning or just going back... those days by and large are gone, but when they do pop up i get the same reaction i got back then. My chest gets pains in it, i feel like i could vomit and want to rip my hair out. Just merley by thinking of anything male, not even going through abandoning my transtion .I dont know how you can pull it off but if you can, good for you <3

Quote from: karenk1959 on June 30, 2017, 12:41:58 PM
What if there is a third option? Is our fate that we are not in control or do we have a choice as to how we want to live our lives? I for one acknowledge my gender dysphoria on bad days and then throw it for a time into the imaginary ocean until it comes back in with the tide later on. It helps to accept that although I am envious of women with vaginas, I will never have one. Surgery is not an option after reading about how they do it and potential complications. In the mean time, I choose to celebrate my life, including all the love I have from my wife, kids and friends. I have realized I do have a choice and it is very freeing. I might add that I have suffered from life long depression because of repressed TG feelings, including overdoses and ECT, so this hasn't been easy for me.

Well Karen, the Buddhist view would be that control is only an illusion. I don't read how you're advocating a 3rd option to transitioning vs choosing not to. Transition or don't is the choice, how you live with your decision isn't a different choice.

Nearly all of us elect for some outlet to physically express being female/feminine, whether that's cross dressing, HRT, surgery etc. If you're looking for people who are more supportive in the sense of choosing not to transition, a transgender site may not be the best place to find that. Your other recent post asked if the people here are biased but I don't think that's the point.

People who deny something essential in themselves are generally not happy, same thing goes for those who choose to live closeted or stay in relationships that don't respect their identities. In this I don't think being closeted trans is any different from being closeted gay or lesbian.

I think a key thing that's difficult for not transitioning is that this isn't simply a mental construct and to the extent it is about the brain, there's universal agreement that brain structure in fact differs between trans and cis people. Being trans as I see it -- and how I experience it is very much about my body, as such, how do you address it without involving the body.

Lastly, you say surgery isn't an option because of how it's done and possibility of complications. I guess I could see saying it's not an option if there's a specific reason you're not a viable surgical candidate. All of us who elect for GCS do so based on an assessment of the benefits against the risk. Not taking an option isn't the same as it not existing.

I'm truly glad that both HRT and GCS are options for me. Some people can't take either due to other health problems. However I did get by for nearly 20 years cross dressing and that was certainly enough relief for me through that time.

None of the foregoing auggests I'm not supportive of your choice. I sincerely hope it works for you and goddess knows if there's anything specific I can do to help I'm there for you. Right now the best I can see is an honest consideration of the situation you're faced with.

Quote from: SadieBlake on July 01, 2017, 05:32:12 PM
Well Karen, the Buddhist view would be that control is only an illusion. I don't read how you're advocating a 3rd option to transitioning vs choosing not to. Transition or don't is the choice, how you live with your decision isn't a different choice.

Hi SadieBlake,
Thank you for your kind words of support. I wasn't referring to the two options of "to transition or not to transition". I was responding to the comment that Erika_Courtney made of the two choices being "depression from not transitioning or depression from dealing with transitioning ~ you pick your depression." Why do I have to choose between the two? Where is that rule? I have experienced horrible depression all my life from repressing my true self. After realizing it, I experienced horrible depression and severe anxiety over the prospect of losing my wife, family and close, dear friends from transitioning. I totally agreed with Erika_Courtney, until I came to believe that I had a third choice ~ to celebrate and give love and life with gratitude instead of being self-absorbed in depression from what we can't have, regardless of the choice one makes to transition or not.

The Buddhist also believe that one cannot know happiness without understanding and embracing suffering. Were they ever right!

I think you're parsing this a little too close.  After rereading what Erika wrote it seems pretty clear she was talking about the choice between transitioning and not transitioning.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 29, 2017, 09:49:33 PM
Maybe someday someone will invent a time machine and you won't have to choose between family or transition.

This is the best I can say about coping while not transitioned:

1. A supportive partner (married to her for over 20 years)
2. A therapist who sees both of us
3. HRT - a lower dose but no less effective

So why wouldn't I socially transition with that all in my back pocket? Well I sort of am. It's just happening at a geologic pace. What I mean is that I've been coming out to people very slowly. And making changes very subtly. Hopefully there are some that see the obvious. As with others here, if I could magically wake up in the right body - I would but it's complicated, right? We are entrenched in a place with a history and a social and family network. I'm older. But back to transitioning. I may never fully get there but I make small changes that make me feel whole. On the other hand I may actually cross the bridge sooner. The point is that I'm technically not transitioned now nor will be for the next year or two - let's say. I'm getting by but it's a challenge. No less than the challenge of the upheaval were I to transition abruptly right now. So it's a balancing act.

Quote from: AnonyMs on June 29, 2017, 04:45:51 PM
I decided to medically transition, but not socially transition. I can just couldn't manage without hrt. It's been w whole lot better than nothing and buys time, but I don't think I can do it forever.

I'm the same. The dysphoria got so bad that I had to do SOMETHING proactive about it. My focus at that point was on reducing the dysphoria to a tolerable level, nothing more. Two years later and I'm starting to think that social transition is inevitable sooner or later.

QuoteHow are you doing with the decision not to transition?

Easy; I'll either expire from heart failure or end my life when those I care about are already gone.

The former is more likely though, can't exercise without chest pain now so that's a pretty good indication that that is the one that'll do me in.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 05, 2017, 01:58:15 AM
Easy; I'll either expire from heart failure or end my life when those I care about are already gone.

The former is more likely though, can't exercise without chest pain now so that's a pretty good indication that that is the one that'll do me in.

Hi Dakkon

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I found your statement very melancholy and I wonder if there is something that you could do to improve how you feel about things. If you want to try and share some of what you are going through you can start a new thread for yourself, reply within the current thread  and we also encourage all our new members to make a post in the Introduction Forum.  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) There are many people here from many different circumstances and  different backgrounds who may actually be able to help you in some way.

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QuoteI found your statement very melancholy and I wonder if there is something that you could do to improve how you feel about things. If you want to try and share some of what you are going through you can start a new thread for yourself, reply within the current thread  and we also encourage all our new members to make a post in the Introduction Forum. There are many people here from many different circumstances and  different backgrounds who may actually be able to help you in some way.

No thanks, I prefer being a lurker that's just passing through.

It wasn't that sad of a statement though, just the truth.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 05, 2017, 03:53:21 AM
No thanks, I prefer being a lurker that's just passing through.

It wasn't that sad of a statement though, just the truth.

We are here to support you in any way you want  :) We always like to try and help if we can

Take care

Quote from: Dakkon on July 05, 2017, 01:58:15 AM
Easy; I'll either expire from heart failure or end my life when those I care about are already gone.

The former is more likely though, can't exercise without chest pain now so that's a pretty good indication that that is the one that'll do me in.

So you just described how you imagine your life will end, but how does that answer the question? How does that make not transitioning easy?

I know you said you prefer lurking rather than sharing your thoughts and that's perfectly fine, but since you already registered and posted that comment I take it there's a chance that you might be up for a chat after all. Right?

Just to be on the safe side: by asking how it's easy not to transition I'm not suggesting that you should pursue transition. I have absolutely no plans for any medical intervention myself, to be honest. But I've found other means to cope (is that transitioning in social or some other sense I don't know - an interesting question in its own right and may deserve it's own thread) I'm still genuinely interested in hearing from others who have chosen to not transition and are okay with that decision. Even more so since it seems our kind are in minority here.

Quote from: N A on July 11, 2017, 12:56:19 PM
So you just described how you imagine your life will end, but how does that answer the question? How does that make not transitioning easy?

It makes not transitioning easy because I've already made up my mind about my future. I'm already emotionally/spiritually dead, just waiting to physically die.

You're interested in why people decide not to transition; I just so happen to like philosophical discussions. So, sure, I'll tell you.

To put it simply, transitioning isn't in keeping with my nature. It would feel wrong and I would have to force myself to do it; which I can imagine would be a recipe for disaster if I chose to transition. Secondarily I view it as a veneer, one dons the likeness of the opposite sex but isn't genuinely (read: physiological) that sex. One has to fight against the nature of one's own physiology in order to gain some resemblance to one's preferred sex, and in the end it's a struggle that doesn't end until one decides to stop resisting or one dies. Thirdly, most of the physiological changes that transition can have on one's body are superficial or are just aesthetically changes, the only one that isn't (being able to breastfeed) is kind of F'd up in it's own way (who knows what long term effects "male" breast milk has on the development of children).

The quality of genuineness is important to me. I am being more genuine to myself by not transitioning and eventually dying from heart problems or suicide (when loved ones pass), than forcing myself to transitioning and almost certainly killing myself sooner than I would have if I didn't transition.

Very much agree on the matter of being a seeming minority, only other place besides here that caters to non-transitioners is the "crossdreamer" community.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 03:36:56 AM
Secondarily I view it as a veneer, one dons the likeness of the opposite sex but isn't genuinely (read: physiological) that sex. One has to fight against the nature of one's own physiology in order to gain some resemblance to one's preferred sex, and in the end it's a struggle that doesn't end until one decides to stop resisting or one dies. Thirdly, most of the physiological changes that transition can have on one's body are superficial or are just aesthetically changes, the only one that isn't (being able to breastfeed) is kind of F'd up in it's own way (who knows what long term effects "male" breast milk has on the development of children).

Neglecting the nihilism dressed up as philosophy in obtuse diction

The usual first medical intervention in transition, HRT addresses the physiology of the most important human organ, the brain. It's well established that non trans people do not respond well being subjected to hormonal profiles of the opposite sex genotype while trans people almost universally find relief from the same treatment. This is because the brain of a trans person is in fact typical of the opposite gender of their genotype. That is a physiological difference.

People who believe what you express have tried to "treat" dysphoria by changing the brain, often by administration of genotype - typical hormones. It's well established that that doesn't work and in fact worsens dysphoria.

HRT by no means results in only aesthetic changes, rather it addresses the secondary sex characteristics, in fact virtually all of them if administered before puberty. More importantly, most trans people will tell you their entire emotional framework shifts and they can think more clearly. Having known many people through their entire transitioning I have certainly observed 180 degree shifts in behavior and uniformly happier people as a result.

Good on you to choose not to transition, we all do what we need to to get by, however your statement of the process is factually incorrect.

I still have pervasive thoughts on not transitioning. That maybe it's just an autistic obsession https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23897727  I could imagine believing that could make non transition easier. According to that paper, they're going to "withhold" treatment until there's a "genuine" case of dysphoria which will take years probably in addition to the years the NHS makes you wait, by that point I'd be what, another middle aged lady in a society that treats said ladies as basically invisible. I don't feel an overwhelming passion to seek fulltime transition. I just feel like crap in general.

Ahh, there's nothing quite like a good old philosophical discussion. I enjoy those too.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 03:36:56 AM
To put it simply, transitioning isn't in keeping with my nature. It would feel wrong and I would have to force myself to do it; which I can imagine would be a recipe for disaster if I chose to transition. Secondarily I view it as a veneer, one dons the likeness of the opposite sex but isn't genuinely (read: physiological) that sex. One has to fight against the nature of one's own physiology in order to gain some resemblance to one's preferred sex, and in the end it's a struggle that doesn't end until one decides to stop resisting or one dies. Thirdly, most of the physiological changes that transition can have on one's body are superficial or are just aesthetically changes, the only one that isn't (being able to breastfeed) is kind of F'd up in it's own way (who knows what long term effects "male" breast milk has on the development of children).

Probably an unpopular opinion, but you have fair points there. I have had similar concerns and yeah one can always argue they are unfounded (see SadieBlakes post above). I know that transitioning is the only correct answer for many if not vast majority of transgender people, I'm not going to argue that. Everyone does whatever suits them best and I'm all for it. But I'll admit I share some of your concerns  and for me at least those concerns are very real.  Hormones are powerful stuff after all, and surgeries invasive, and since I'm currently doing pretty okay myself, I don't see why I would want to take a leap of faith now and risk everything by starting my transition. In my case that day may or may not come eventually, only time will tell. Nevertheless I think I get what you mean there.

And ultimately the question is not whether we have to transition or not, but rather what is the trade-off, isn't it? I understood that in your case one important factor speaking against HRT is an increased chance for heart failure. A perfectly valid reason for not to transition, if you ask me. Maybe there's something else you do to cope with being trans.

You didn't say whether you are closeted or not. I stopped actively being in a closet a couple of years ago (save my work, although I'm not presenting femme there) and since that decision my dysphoria has decreased dramatically. I no longer have those manic-depressive spells of misery that I used to have when I was younger. I'm no longer emotionally dead inside, as I used to be. I'd like to think I'm in good terms with my transness now, but reading all this stuff about the ever-increasing need for transition & correct hormones for your brain makes me sometimes question whether I belong.

Sure I would like to have thicker wrists, hairy ass and manlier hairline and whatnot, but I'm also concerned about the hormonal changes HRT would bring and which I couldn't control myself. For example. A while back I was put on medication (not related to  trans/mental health issues) that had this funny side effect in that it quite dramatically took the edge off of my sex drive, which in turn made my life thousand times easier than it was before. One of my concerns regarding possible HRT is that I'd get a part of/all of/more than my previous sex drive back. If that happened, well then I would probably have to kill myself because I couldn't take it anymore. Twisted, I know, but I don't want to push my luck.

And that is only one of the things I'm concerned about.

I do not know whether you were born male, female or intersex and that's absolutely none of my  business, so I'm not going to ask. But I have been wondering about the relief of getting the correct hormones for transgender brain - the thing that SadieBlake was referring to. If that theory is indeed correct, and let us assume for a while it is, then is the need for transition equally strong for FTMs that it is for MTFs? Male body does not produce any female hormones on its own, but female bodies do have some amount of testosterone, even if it's a low level. Any chance that trans men have an edge over here? Wishful thinking from my part most likely, but I've been wondering. I know my hormones are somehow very ->-bleeped-<-ed up and I've been inclined to think that it's not the lack of correct hormones that produces my transgender feels but rather the correct mix I already have... but I'm no doctor so I don't know. Just wondering.

Quote from: SadieBlake on July 12, 2017, 05:30:42 AM
Neglecting the nihilism dressed up as philosophy in obtuse diction

The usual first medical intervention in transition, HRT addresses the physiology of the most important human organ...

Wow, you're so smart. Thank you for telling me I am stupid.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
Probably an unpopular opinion...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgifrific.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F02%2FBill-Lumberg-Uh-Yeah-Office-Space.gif&hash=d2b1a7931ef687e383779449fccbe807631777a0)

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
I know that transitioning is the only correct answer for many if not vast majority of transgender people, I'm not going to argue that. Everyone does whatever suits them best and I'm all for it.

Yup, people should exercise their autonomy and attend to what they desire, they will bear the consequences for their actions; good or bad.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
I understood that in your case one important factor speaking against HRT is an increased chance for heart failure. A perfectly valid reason for not to transition, if you ask me.

Well I actually never considered the negative effects that HRT might have on a weak heart, so it never really was a factor in my decision not to transition. My heart problems are just an aftereffect of my dysphoria/anxiety about being trans.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
You didn't say whether you are closeted or not.

I am closeted and I intend to remain that way; I told one person about a year ago though, probably one of the dumbest decisions I've made.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
I stopped actively being in a closet a couple of years ago (save my work, although I'm not presenting femme there) and since that decision my dysphoria has decreased dramatically. I no longer have those manic-depressive spells of misery that I used to have when I was younger. I'm no longer emotionally dead inside, as I used to be. I'd like to think I'm in good terms with my transness now, but reading all this stuff about the ever-increasing need for transition & correct hormones for your brain makes me sometimes question whether I belong.

One step at a time; keep in mind you live your own life, not anybody elses. What may be true for them, may not be true for you. I recommend you ask yourself those questions that give you doubt or concern and come up with your own answers to them. Above all, just keep in balance with your own unique nature. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fs%2Fsmile.gif&hash=6dcd94c38fd285a986cc235531729267791f3651)

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
Sure I would like to have thicker wrists, hairy ass and manlier hairline and whatnot, but I'm also concerned about the hormonal changes HRT would bring and which I couldn't control myself. For example. A while back I was put on medication (not related to  trans/mental health issues) that had this funny side effect in that it quite dramatically took the edge off of my sex drive, which in turn made my life thousand times easier than it was before. One of my concerns regarding possible HRT is that I'd get a part of/all of/more than my previous sex drive back. If that happened, well then I would probably have to kill myself because I couldn't take it anymore. Twisted, I know, but I don't want to push my luck.

You do what you need to do, I'd just recommend being careful about pharmaceuticals in general. The full range of the effects they can have on one's body (nevermind the differing effects that can have on one person versus another) are still unknown, despite claims to the contrary.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
I do not know whether you were born male, female or intersex and that's absolutely none of my  business, so I'm not going to ask.

But I'll tell you anyway because you ask, so damn nicely (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fb%2Fbiggrin.gif&hash=779dfbdcb34a32c08812f33ec05ac4924c5e944a). MTF.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 02:53:22 PM
But I have been wondering about the relief of getting the correct hormones for transgender brain - the thing that SadieBlake was referring to. If that theory is indeed correct, and let us assume for a while it is, then is the need for transition equally strong for FTMs that it is for MTFs? Male body does not produce any female hormones on its own, but female bodies do have some amount of testosterone, even if it's a low level. Any chance that trans men have an edge over here? Wishful thinking from my part most likely, but I've been wondering. I know my hormones are somehow very <not allowed> up and I've been inclined to think that it's not the lack of correct hormones that produces my transgender feels but rather the correct mix I already have... but I'm no doctor so I don't know. Just wondering.

Well you're asking the wrong person because I don't know, I haven't done any research or investigation into such matters.

But I can tell you this, we are not our brain nor our bodies. They are ours, but they are not us. They are the filter through which we experience this place (whatever and wherever this place is). Whether that means we are trans because of our bodies and not because of our soul, I could not tell you, maybe but I don't know (although it seems more likely that we're trans, not because of soul, but because of the body that is ours).

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 04:50:58 PM
Well I actually never considered the negative effects that HRT might have on a weak heart, so it never really was a factor in my decision not to transition. My heart problems are just an aftereffect of my dysphoria/anxiety about being trans.

I am closeted and I intend to remain that way; I told one person about a year ago though, probably one of the dumbest decisions I've made.

Well damn, that sucks. I mean both of those things.

It would be too easy for me to say that there must be other people out there that would be loving and accepting of you, because that's what happened to me. But that could be BS, as I don't know anything about your circumstances or where you live, etc.

I'm blessed to live in a country where there are no strict gender roles to begin with, I have a supporting family, and while I'm not out at work it doesn't feel like I have to pretend there to be  something I'm not either. But things could be very different, I know that much. I've also some experience living abroad (talking about a year or two here) in a culture that has way stricter expectations for both males and females, and I chose to stay closeted for some time in most settings for practical and safety reasons. It wasn't as bad as an experience as I had been expecting it to be, but it still left me partly dead inside for quite some time. I turned more inwards and mostly kept to myself, unable to really enjoy anything.

Anyway. I don't want to sound too naive or pretend to know better than you what you are going through and tell you that it will get better one day. It might as well not. But at least let me say I hope you won't have to stay closeted for the rest of your life. Sure there must be other people out there that would be loving and accepting of you, I want to believe that.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 04:50:58 PM
You do what you need to do, I'd just recommend being careful about pharmaceuticals in general. The full range of the effects they can have on one's body (nevermind the differing effects that can have on one person versus another) are still unknown, despite claims to the contrary.

I hear you, that's why I've been so iffy about HRT. Also the medication I was talking about, it does have certain risks and I might end up with a heart failure (theme of the day), but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Besides, thanks for the meds, I haven't been abusing any substance for years now. I have no need to. So in this specific case I'd say pros outweigh the cons.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 04:50:58 PM
But I'll tell you anyway because you ask, so damn nicely (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fb%2Fbiggrin.gif&hash=779dfbdcb34a32c08812f33ec05ac4924c5e944a). MTF.

Well, I thank you for sharing that  ;D

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 04:50:58 PM
But I can tell you this, we are not our brain nor our bodies. They are ours, but they are not us. They are the filter through which we experience this place (whatever and wherever this place is). Whether that means we are trans because of our bodies and not because of our soul, I could not tell you, maybe but I don't know (although it seems more likely that we're trans, not because of soul, but because of the body that is ours).

Interesting, I see mind and body closely connected and would pretty much say that your mind is just some chemical reactions produced by our body, including brain... well I don't know... And while I have always strongly felt like a boy/guy/man inside (or at least what I think being a boy/guy/man is about), my pragmatic side tells me I'm not exactly a male nor female being, but rather something and somewhere in between. Like being an intersex in a way, if you will.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
Well damn, that sucks. I mean both of those things.

It is what it is. It could always be worse.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
It would be too easy for me to say that there must be other people out there that would be loving and accepting of you, because that's what happened to me. But that could be BS, as I don't know anything about your circumstances or where you live, etc.

Ah don't worry about it, it's easier for everyone involved in my life if I just remain closeted. And considering my mental state as well as my heart's condition, I'd find it irresponsible to engage in a relationship with another person. Friendships are fine, but I don't have any friends to begin with so (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Forig12.deviantart.net%2Fc279%2Ff%2F2013%2F327%2F6%2F9%2F69cc32ff6b12eddd872947e0a1f7e282-d6vf9fo.gif&hash=fa48038893b70bc7dd8b135947c68435f14db555) (I guess my Dad and my dog count as friends though).

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
Anyway. I don't want to sound too naive or pretend to know better than you what you are going through and tell you that it will get better one day.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fp%2Fpat.gif&hash=84c5be8e4919841a9fd3a583ff1e97182e544151) You're fine, you don't need to be so self-disparaging. Certainly not for me sake.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
It might as well not. But at least let me say I hope you won't have to stay closeted for the rest of your life. Sure there must be other people out there that would be loving and accepting of you, I want to believe that.

It's nice of you to say that. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fs%2Fsmile.gif&hash=6dcd94c38fd285a986cc235531729267791f3651)

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM(theme of the day)

(https://i.imgur.com/6Duli05.gif)

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
Besides, thanks to the meds, I haven't been abusing any substance for years now. I have no need to. So in this specific case I'd say pros outweigh the cons.

Very cool.

Quote from: N A on July 12, 2017, 06:09:16 PM
Interesting, I see mind and body closely connected and would pretty much say that your mind is just some chemical reactions produced by our body, including brain... well I don't know... And while I have always strongly felt like a boy/guy/man inside (or at least what I think being a boy/guy/man is about), my pragmatic side tells me I'm not exactly a male nor female being, but rather something and somewhere in between. Like being an intersex in a way, if you will.

I agree that "mind" and "body" are very closely connected and affect one another (how else could conditions like Broken Heart Syndrome (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takotsubo_cardiomyopathy) exist without that being true), on the matter of the "person" being the product of the body's biology I disagree. That's ok though, I don't want to force my perspective on other people. But, I would like to leave with this question.

What is a person? Is a person their body, or does a person have a body (is it their possession / is it something they have control of or is it something that they are in some way "piloting")? Are you your brain, or is it just something that you have; etc.

It was nice talking to you, you're a very cool person and I wish you luck in your future. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fe.deviantart.net%2Femoticons%2Fs%2Fsmile.gif&hash=6dcd94c38fd285a986cc235531729267791f3651)

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 09:53:47 PM
Ah don't worry about it, it's easier for everyone involved in my life if I just remain closeted. And considering my mental state as well as my heart's condition, I'd find it irresponsible to engage in a relationship with another person. Friendships are fine, but I don't have any friends to begin with so (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Forig12.deviantart.net%2Fc279%2Ff%2F2013%2F327%2F6%2F9%2F69cc32ff6b12eddd872947e0a1f7e282-d6vf9fo.gif&hash=fa48038893b70bc7dd8b135947c68435f14db555) (I guess my Dad and my dog count as friends though).

I see. You do you obviously, but it sort of sounds like you have decided for others what is best for them (=you staying closeted). It's one thing to stay closeted due to safety/financial/medical/professional reasons, but to say you have a moral obligation to refrain from relationships because of who you are... I mean, come on, is that really a piece of advice you would give to another person (mind you, to someone that is not you)? I'm not expecting you to answer, but think about it for a moment.

You probably know this already, but you do have a good sense of humor and the capacity for some profound thinking, and I'm certain a lot of people would enjoy your company. But I get it, anxiety is a bitch building all those walls between you and other people. I don't know you and I know you didn't ask, but the way you talk about yourself makes me wish there was something I could do to help you with your anxiety issues. But alas, it's not my place to fix other people and I wouldn't know how to do that anyway.

Quote from: Dakkon on July 12, 2017, 09:53:47 PM
I agree that "mind" and "body" are very closely connected and affect one another (how else could conditions like Broken Heart Syndrome (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takotsubo_cardiomyopathy) exist without that being true), on the matter of the "person" being the product of the body's biology I disagree. That's ok though, I don't want to force my perspective on other people. But, I would like to leave with this question.

I don't think you're forcing anything  :) I just love it when people disagree with me and do it with class.

But alright, let's agree to disagree for now, and thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Best of luck for you too, and even if you prefer lurking around to posting, consider catching me up in this or some other thread, some other time maybe?

Quote from: N A on July 13, 2017, 12:19:37 PM
I see. You do you obviously, but it sort of sounds like you have decided for others what is best for them (you staying closeted). It's one thing to stay closeted due to safety/financial/medical/professional reasons, but to say you have a moral obligation to refrain from relationships because of who you are... I mean, come on, is that really a piece of advice you would give to another person (mind you, to someone that is not you)? I'm not expecting you to answer, but think about it for a moment.

I can only tell you how I feel at the moment, it could change in the future, but I don't think that's likely.

However, you are right, I wouldn't give the advice that I follow to another person. Nevertheless, I feel that advice is a personal decision that someone has to come to on their own. If I thought someone was wrong (or if I just wanted to give them an alternative opinion) in censoring themselves in the way I described, I'd cite my misgivings about that decision and explain why, but that's about all I'd feel comfortable doing.

Quote from: N A on July 13, 2017, 12:19:37 PM
...catching me up in this or some other thread, some other time maybe?

Well... Maybe. No promises. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Forig15.deviantart.net%2Faccd%2Ff%2F2007%2F150%2Fb%2Fe%2F_hides__by_lilleoharry.gif&hash=72021a7873422119e4409bff0449b6af7821f9a4)

Quote from: Dakkon on July 13, 2017, 03:31:32 PM
I can only tell you how I feel at the moment, it could change in the future, but I don't think that's likely.

However, you are right, I wouldn't give the advice that I follow to another person. Nevertheless, I feel that advice is a personal decision that someone has to come to on their own. If I thought someone was wrong (or if I just wanted to give them an alternative opinion) in censoring themselves in the way I described, I'd cite my misgivings about that decision and explain why, but that's about all I'd feel comfortable doing.

Gotcha. And I think that's fine, it's not like there's some ultimatum for that decision anyway.

Ultimately, I have decided not to transition due to laziness, costs, inconvenience, and fear.  Looking back, I wish I at least got top surgery done while my mother (my only support) was still alive.  If I were to transition now, I'd still want to do top surgery, and just leave it at that.  I'll be honest, it is hard to see others go through their transition, which is why I am not on as much now, but they worked for it, and I could, too, if I wanted to, but I won't.  Therefore, I only have myself to blame.  It is quite frankly more comfortable for me to keep living in this delusion that I will be okay not transitioning.  I've been doing that for over 20 years....so I can do it for another 20 more....40 more....etc.

Big hug! Good to see you again! The whole thing is about finding peace with yourself. I hope you have.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

I suffer the same pain but celebrate on year of hrt today. I have much much less dysforia but have very little support. The pending loss of family and resources is a pending cliff to fall over. I am going forward the best I can

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Quote from: Jenniferloveslife on July 14, 2017, 07:13:47 AM
I suffer the same pain but celebrate on year of hrt today. I have much much less dysforia but have very little support. The pending loss of family and resources is a pending cliff to fall over. I am going forward the best I can

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I hit one year tomorrow :3

Yeah!!!

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Quote from: King Malachite on July 13, 2017, 04:51:57 PM
Ultimately, I have decided not to transition due to laziness, costs, inconvenience, and fear.  Looking back, I wish I at least got top surgery done while my mother (my only support) was still alive.  If I were to transition now, I'd still want to do top surgery, and just leave it at that.  I'll be honest, it is hard to see others go through their transition, which is why I am not on as much now, but they worked for it, and I could, too, if I wanted to, but I won't.  Therefore, I only have myself to blame.  It is quite frankly more comfortable for me to keep living in this delusion that I will be okay not transitioning.  I've been doing that for over 20 years....so I can do it for another 20 more....40 more....etc.

I can relate. For the longest time I thought I should not even register because I figured it would be hard for me to see others making progress while me, a known chicken and a crybaby, would not be going anywhere with my life. I was also unsure whether I would fit in, seeing that I'm not even planning to transition. I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Generally I'm happy with my life though, and I refuse to call myself delusional or start blaming myself for my very own decisions. Instead I'm an optimist by nature and usually able to find the silver lining in everything. Yeah it's probably not very nice to be transgender, but it's not like this is some death sentence either. If I wasn't trans I'd surely have some other problems I'd be struggling with. But the grass is always greener etc.

I transitioned a long time ago now and like you have said it can take a big toll on you life. Some family and friends that won't talk to you. Also there is always the person that will he fine but call you by your old name  and pronouns when you are in a public place. The bottom line is what ever you make for a decision it will always be hard. My heart goes out to you and you and only you can make the decision. Myself I'm very happy that I did and I moved away and started my life over and love who I am and all that are around me now. Any family and friends will still come to see you if they are true friends and family


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I get by. I'm usually depressed to some degree, more melancholy (you know, blah feeling) than depressed really, and because of it I've gained back 15 Lbs (trying to fix an issue with junk food will do that). Other than that everything is great.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 13, 2017, 05:22:15 PM
Big hug! Good to see you again! The whole thing is about finding peace with yourself. I hope you have.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

*hugs*  It's great to see you too, Devlyn!!!!! :D  While I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with this decision, I say I'm more or less content.  I am finding so much fulfillment at my plant job, and I love it!

Quote from: N A on July 14, 2017, 09:54:27 AM
I can relate. For the longest time I thought I should not even register because I figured it would be hard for me to see others making progress while me, a known chicken and a crybaby, would not be going anywhere with my life. I was also unsure whether I would fit in, seeing that I'm not even planning to transition. I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Generally I'm happy with my life though, and I refuse to call myself delusional or start blaming myself for my very own decisions. Instead I'm an optimist by nature and usually able to find the silver lining in everything. Yeah it's probably not very nice to be transgender, but it's not like this is some death sentence either. If I wasn't trans I'd surely have some other problems I'd be struggling with. But the grass is always greener etc.

That's a good way of looking at it.  I mean, before transition was possible, people feeling this way had to deal with it, and it is nice to have the option if I ever choose to, but for now, I think I will continue to manage like this.

I think about backing out all the time , but I keep going all the time , mayby its my age and the amt of time Ive spent being unhappy.

I am very comfortable with my decision not to fully transition in a physical sense.  In general I seek to own my decisions and I try to make them as soundly as possible. However like many have observed, the situation and factors do change.  FFS didn't accelerate me towards GCS.  Low dose HRT helped with my dysphoria and over 7 or so years my dose is now at transition levels.  Folk sometimes gender me F but in general gender me M and I am pretty OK with either.

Over the 7 years I have 'come out' to most everyone in my life as a non binary genetic male.  Changes continue.  My hair is longer.  I no longer have any facial or body hair and my clothing is clearly andro in design and in color.  At the same time I have changed industry and changed employer finding much greater comfort, acceptance and understanding working with younger, more artistic folk.

There appears to be little doubt that my wife will leave if I proceed to GCS but she has stayed with me throughout the journey... so perhaps she may be flexible.  However this is currently a moot point as, while a full physical transition remains a possibility, I do not consider it as an imperative or indeed as likely in the short term..

Not fully transitioning as a non binary appears to be relatively common, but may not necessarily be the norm.  I guess that the continuing challenge for me is understanding, accepting and expressing my true self and while it continues to exist outside of the binary I will continue to challenge and to confound others that wish to categorise and judge me.  Authenticity appears key to my sanity - fleeing to the other binary doesn't feel like the right solution for me at this point in my life journey,  but as they say there are different strokes for different folks.

Safe travels

Aisla

I started transitioning about 5 years ago, went through counseling, HRT, Even started some surgical changes.  However things went terribly wrong for me.  Found out I have genetic problem that leads to blood clots.  I had to stop all HRT, and start monitoring blood on regular basis.  It has made it rough, and with all the resistance by all right now I decided to stop transition.  So now I am truly caught between being either or.  No matter the fact that i feel female inside, it is hard to look at me with out seeing someone masculine.  Would love to finish change and be accepted

Funny, when I did decide to transition to full time, I didn't think at the time that I'd be happier. I knew I was crossing a line that I could come back if it didn't work Once I crossed that line, it felt like an incredible weight left my shoulders. I never looked back.

Quote from: Char_59 on August 20, 2017, 08:26:48 PM
I started transitioning about 5 years ago, went through counseling, HRT, Even started some surgical changes.  However things went terribly wrong for me.  Found out I have genetic problem that leads to blood clots.  I had to stop all HRT, and start monitoring blood on regular basis.  It has made it rough, and with all the resistance by all right now I decided to stop transition.  So now I am truly caught between being either or.  No matter the fact that i feel female inside, it is hard to look at me with out seeing someone masculine.  Would love to finish change and be accepted

Dear Char_59

Welcome to Susan's

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Doing fine at this point, finally decided that it's probably in my best interests to not move forward with anything at this time, probably for my lifetime to be honest.

I have many factors that come into this, main one is my height at 6ft although build certainly isn't a problem it just sticks in my mind.

I also have a bit of social anxiety and would die of embarrassment as soon as someone inevitably shouts a transphobic slur at me etc, using toilets... you know the drill.

Still growing my hair out tho and on Finasteride to stop male pattern baldness so that's something I guess...

In all honestly it f****** sucks and makes me miserable, been going to the gym again but everytime I lose weight I see my figure in the mirror and think hey...... maybe I.... nope nope...

:embarrassed:

Quote from: J2J on August 22, 2017, 08:09:26 PM
Doing fine at this point, finally decided that it's probably in my best interests to not move forward with anything at this time, probably for my lifetime to be honest.

I have many factors that come into this, main one is my height at 6ft although build certainly isn't a problem it just sticks in my mind.

I also have a bit of social anxiety and would die of embarrassment as soon as someone inevitably shouts a transphobic slur at me etc, using toilets... you know the drill.

Still growing my hair out tho and on Finasteride to stop male pattern baldness so that's something I guess...

In all honestly it f****** sucks and makes me miserable, been going to the gym again but everytime I lose weight I see my figure in the mirror and think hey...... maybe I.... nope nope...

:embarrassed:

Good to know I have company!!!

For me it is almost a constant struggle to manage the dysphoria. I continually struggle with the decision but always come to the same conclusion, that living the rest of my life with my wife and starting a family is more important to me and my overall happiness than being alone but being able to attempt to transition. It's a very personal choice and I know a lot of people would have chosen differently but it is about my honest appraisal of whoch path leads to greater happiness.

I haven't decided not to do it EVER, but transition is off the table indefinitely for me. It may become an option in the future or it may become something I just can't not do for me. But right now it is not financially possible, and there really would be no way to do it without losing my marriage, which would also mean loss of my house, possible loss of friends who are like family, and possibly even the loss of some of my own familial relationships. As for how I'm doing with it...well I can't lie it is difficult. There are days I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness, I can tell my negative coping mechanisms getting worse, I already have some issues with mental illness and those are managed well but having them in addition to the dysphoria is not great. I try to focus on what's right and good about my life and remind myself sometimes why I chose the path of non-transition for now. Most of the time I can bring myself back from the abyss but sometimes I just can't help but weep.

Quote from: ColoTex2890 on August 23, 2017, 04:40:34 PM
I haven't decided not to do it EVER, but transition is off the table indefinitely for me. It may become an option in the future or it may become something I just can't not do for me. But right now it is not financially possible, and there really would be no way to do it without losing my marriage, which would also mean loss of my house, possible loss of friends who are like family, and possibly even the loss of some of my own familial relationships. As for how I'm doing with it...well I can't lie it is difficult. There are days I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness, I can tell my negative coping mechanisms getting worse, I already have some issues with mental illness and those are managed well but having them in addition to the dysphoria is not great. I try to focus on what's right and good about my life and remind myself sometimes why I chose the path of non-transition for now. Most of the time I can bring myself back from the abyss but sometimes I just can't help but weep.

Hey Colo, sorry to read what you're going through but look at the bright side, you are still on your safe place. I commented on a thread you started and told you that my boyfriend accepted me and wanted to support me in the process. That has changed and I'm single now... And I feel guilty and questioning everything I did so far. I pretty much came out of the closet to everyone and now am not even sure if I want to continue down this road.

So basically, take your time, it's better than regretting.


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It has been really tough for me.  I've been GD my whole life and finally got to a point where I had to see a therapist who I've been meet weekly for the past 6 months.   She was really encouraging me to take some transitional steps but due to family and career concerns I am continuing to just try to stuff it down really deep and deal with it.

The only real transitional step I've taken is to have some body hair removed at E3000 - I'll post on this separately...

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 26, 2017, 09:30:22 AM
Hey Colo, sorry to read what you're going through but look at the bright side, you are still on your safe place. I commented on a thread you started and told you that my boyfriend accepted me and wanted to support me in the process. That has changed and I'm single now... And I feel guilty and questioning everything I did so far. I pretty much came out of the closet to everyone and now am not even sure if I want to continue down this road.

So basically, take your time, it's better than regretting.


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I'm so sorry to hear that. That is almost exactly what happened to me last year the first time I tried to come out. My boyfriend who is now my husband said he'd support me and went back on it merely days later. I eventually took back my coming out and said it was a mistake, blamed it on my bipolar disorder, and though I'm absolutely still in love with him (obviously I married him) I still have the same feelings deep down and honestly I feel like I've dug a hole for myself so big I don't have any idea how to get out of it. In that sense I really have no choice but to take my time. I would suggest you do the same, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed the course and continued with my original plans. I would probably be living openly as myself and wel into transition by now. Stay strong and do what's right for you!

Quote from: ColoTex2890 on August 27, 2017, 04:45:07 PM
In that sense I really have no choice but to take my time. I would suggest you do the same, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed the course and continued with my original plans. I would probably be living openly as myself and wel into transition by now. Stay strong and do what's right for you!

Why do you think you would have stayed in your original plan? You're saying that in hindsight it would have been better for you to suck it up and face the pain and rejection and continue with your original plan? Sacrificing your transition to avoid the pain wasn't worth it?



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In my case it's a matter of family, age and finances.

Until I was 50 I just thought I was a pervert. I never used a computer until I taught myself to use one in 2005.

I grew up with no knowledge of transgender or transsexual. There was a famous woman named Christine something but my parents just referred to her a  sicko. Very old school and traditional background.

Now in my late 50's with kids and grandkids and failing health I can't see ruining everything by putting my feelings in front of them when I'm getting ready to kick the bucket in a few anyway.

With the cost versus my income I could afford the meds and operations about 20 years after I'm dead so why start.

Others will feel different and it is not my place to judge. To each their own. For me it is my faith, family, age and finances which have made my decision, in that order.

I guess the bottom line is that I am looking at this as realistically as possible in my case with the variables of interacting factors in my life.

I think that is a very sad situation to be in.
I felt much the same for a long time, but was lucky enough to have realised this does happen, and that I can do something about, and I was not the freak I felt I was.

It was thanks to my faith that I didn't end it years ago.
And it's thanks to my faith that I continue to move forward now.

I hope atleast you can be happy with your decision, I guess sometimes it can also make sense to simply not transition. For me the thought of have MR. On my stone made me feel so wrong.

Now I will have Rachel on my Stone when my time is done :) and I will be proud of that. :3

Hugs, Rachel

Quote from: Dianne H on August 27, 2017, 06:50:51 PM
In my case it's a matter of family, age and finances.

I grew up with no knowledge of transgender or transsexual. There was a famous woman named Christine something but my parents just referred to her a  sicko. Very old school and traditional background.

Now in my late 50's with kids and grandkids and failing health I can't see ruining everything by putting my feelings in front of them when I'm getting ready to kick the bucket in a few anyway.

  Hi Dianne H,
 
   The famous woman was  Christine_Jorgensen  (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/). She was the first person to become widely known in the United States for having sex reassignment surgery.

    For some your decision is the one that works. For some it isn't. Others are left wondering about their decisions. You were right in thinking hard on it before making yours. As should everyone.

Laurie

Thanks Laurie,

I don't want to cause a thread drift but I remember seeing previews for that movie at a drive in when I was young. I wanted to see it so bad but didn't dare ask my parents because they were saying things like who would want to watch a movie about a sicko like that. There was also an episode on an old television medical show called Marcus Welby: MD which dealt with this subject.

I have to admit that kind of traditional family made it hard. When you hear things like sicko, pervert and such it made me wonder if I was a pervert for a while. I felt a shame I kept hidden all my life. Now that I'm so old I just take everything in stride.

I guess if family, events in my life and faith were different I might think differently. One big reason is other beliefs I have which somewhat make it easier. Still, the feelings are there.

My decision isn't easy but it works for me. I know it won't for everyone. I just try to avoid a lot of transgender stuff because it just brings feelings back stronger. I guess avoidance is best for me.

Once again, thank you.

Dianne.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 27, 2017, 06:02:27 PM
Why do you think you would have stayed in your original plan? You're saying that in hindsight it would have been better for you to suck it up and face the pain and rejection and continue with your original plan? Sacrificing your transition to avoid the pain wasn't worth it?



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For me, and I am strictly speaking in terms of my own life situation, I believe it would have been better to face it then rather than later. Now instead of living as female I am in a marriage and life situation that will likely take years to get out of fully because of the financial, social, and emotional implications. I love my husband very, very much but deep down I know he never would have married me if I he knew I was trans and wanted to live as female full time. I am careful not to exhibit too many cross-gender behaviors or to even allow myself to dress or do many female things in private because I know it will only make me wish for something I cannot have right now. I feel like a liar and a coward for not facing the music when I was the closest I've ever come. I got so damn close and still managed to find a way to run away and hide again. Plus I ultimately did more damage than if I had just stuck with my original plans because I actually did get the boyfriend back after I took back my transition plans and said it was a mistake, I tried my hardest for over a year to really be happy in the life of a gay man, I even married that boyfriend. And for all that I am still in the exact same mental space as I was a year ago when I admitted I was trans to him and my mother. I'll admit the pain when I thought i had lost him was worse than any emotional pain I've ever felt because I did and do truly love him, but do I feel now that it was worth sacrificing even more years of my life to the "big lie" that I've stuck to for so long? No I do not. Not to mention that as I am aging I resemble my father more with each passing day and that is something I never, ever wanted and horrifies me each time I look in the mirror. Now of course you have to do what is right for you but hopefully some of this helps since it sounds like you are in a very similar place as I was a year ago.

Quote from: ColoTex2890 on September 01, 2017, 11:38:10 PM
For me, and I am strictly speaking in terms of my own life situation, I believe it would have been better to face it then rather than later. Now instead of living as female I am in a marriage and life situation that will likely take years to get out of fully because of the financial, social, and emotional implications. I love my husband very, very much but deep down I know he never would have married me if I he knew I was trans and wanted to live as female full time. I am careful not to exhibit too many cross-gender behaviors or to even allow myself to dress or do many female things in private because I know it will only make me wish for something I cannot have right now. I feel like a liar and a coward for not facing the music when I was the closest I've ever come. I got so damn close and still managed to find a way to run away and hide again. Plus I ultimately did more damage than if I had just stuck with my original plans because I actually did get the boyfriend back after I took back my transition plans and said it was a mistake, I tried my hardest for over a year to really be happy in the life of a gay man, I even married that boyfriend. And for all that I am still in the exact same mental space as I was a year ago when I admitted I was trans to him and my mother. I'll admit the pain when I thought i had lost him was worse than any emotional pain I've ever felt because I did and do truly love him, but do I feel now that it was worth sacrificing even more years of my life to the "big lie" that I've stuck to for so long? No I do not. Not to mention that as I am aging I resemble my father more with each passing day and that is something I never, ever wanted and horrifies me each time I look in the mirror. Now of course you have to do what is right for you but hopefully some of this helps since it sounds like you are in a very similar place as I was a year ago.

Hey, I'm sending you a PM.

ColoTex, I can relate to your feelings on this. I spent 18 years not transitioning and don't regret having waited in that I did it when I could afford to and knew that window was closing. I can't regret the experiences I've had that would have been interrupted by GCS and the hoops I'd have to have jumped through in the early '00s. I'm also glad to have had GCS with the more recent techniques.

I could have pushed this along about 5 years ago (and would have had the benefit of paid time off for recovery that I don't get as a self employed artist) but honestly the difference between then and now is a small one.

I have lots of sympathy for those among us who have unsupportive partners. Mine wasn't happy about either HRT or GCS but she very definitely signed on to be with a trans woman.

The OP said near the start of this thread that she could simply will away the need to transition. Personally I think that's bs. Pretending to be something you're not isn't supportable, that's probably the first lesson of the lgbt movement. We have over 50 years of community experience in this.

Quote from: SadieBlake on September 05, 2017, 04:23:10 PM
ColoTex, I can relate to your feelings on this. I spent 18 years not transitioning and don't regret having waited in that I did it when I could afford to and knew that window was closing. I can't regret the experiences I've had that would have been interrupted by GCS and the hoops I'd have to have jumped through in the early '00s. I'm also glad to have had GCS with the more recent techniques.

I could have pushed this along about 5 years ago (and would have had the benefit of paid time off for recovery that I don't get as a self employed artist) but honestly the difference between then and now is a small one.

I have lots of sympathy for those among us who have unsupportive partners. Mine wasn't happy about either HRT or GCS but she very definitely signed on to be with a trans woman.

I hope things turn out as well for me. At times I feel terrible because I feel like I'm lying to my husband all the time, and in a way I am but I truly do not have a choice. I could literally lose the roof over my head and who knows what else if I came out right now. For now I've decided to try and make the best of the life I have and see where things stand in a few years. Maybe I will be able to move forward, or alternatively I may never be able to transition. That would be a terrible disappointment for me but if I had to I could soldier on.