How are you doing with the decision not to transition?

[karenk1959]

I decided not to transition because of many reasons, especially not wanting to end up alone by destroying my marriage and close relationships. I struggle with gender dysphoria and have my good days and bad. I am just wondering how you others who have decided not to transition are handling it.

[Gertrude]

I haven't decided not to, just put it off for similar reasons. As time goes on though, I seem to move millimeter by millimeter towards it. I don't think I could handle the idea of never transitioning. At some point I have to be authentic. That happens when the pain of being inauthentic exceeds the pain of embarrassment and loss or the fear of.


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[Janes Groove]

I actually went thru a phase where I identified as a non-transitioning transgender woman.  It didn't last too long. About 6 months.  In the end the lure of HRT was just too overwhelming/powerful.

[SailorMars1994]

I wish you the best but from my experince, the decision to transition will probably one day soon become over powering. T is a horrid hormone

[SadieBlake]

I decided not to transition around 1999. My reasons were similar to yours, my gf was supportive of my being trans but not of surgical transition. However the main reason was that GCS then required a year RLE with absolute stipulation that one had to be passing - basically a beauty contest. Also while I knew people who'd been covered by insurance, my employer was certainly not that sort of forward thinking and I was having enough trouble meeting commitments as it was without paying for GCS.

That lasted until 2013 when severe depression caught up with me (that's when I realized it, it had been sneaking up on me for about 3 years of denial.

I didn't even realize dysphoria was the root of the problem. Yes there were other things that needed work and I've worked on all of it but at every single turn, dysphoria was right there, either a root cause or complicating factor.

I started HRT at the end of 2015 and decided to proceed to GCS within 3 months, the rest is well documented in my threads.

Op you made your decision a couple of months ago, live with it for a few years and see how it's holding up.

[AnonyMs]

I decided to medically transition, but not socially transition. I can just couldn't manage without hrt. It's been w whole lot better than nothing and buys time, but I don't think I can do it forever.

[AnneK]

I decided to medically transition, but not socially transition. I can just couldn't manage without hrt. It's been w whole lot better than nothing and buys time, but I don't think I can do it forever.

By medically transition, do you mean just hormones?  Or surgery too?

[AnonyMs]

By medically transition, do you mean just hormones?  Or surgery too?

The day I don't end up divorced is the day I book surgery.

[Steph Eigen]

After lots of soul searching and therapy, I've decided not to transition.  I've come to terms with the question and see the balance of pain and life catastrophe to far exceed the incremental happiness I might accrue from the process.  I have come to accept who and what I am.

No HRT, no surgery, no social transition or RLE.  Still unrevealed to my family, friends and colleagues.

It's coming up on a year, and so far, so good.

The help I've received on this site has in large part made this possible to work through and survive.

Thanks to all, especially several very special people who helped me through some tough times.

Steph

[Erika_Courtney]

Drink the cool aid, it taste cold.


Seriously the only thing you have to do in life is what you want to do. Depression from disphobia or depression from losing your life, depression is depression, just pick your depression. Maybe someday someone will invent a time machine and you won't have to choose between family or transition. Note, I have already reserved this time machine, so get behind me while you can.


Honestly if you put the cool aid in front of me I would want to drink it, but I would instead get up and run as fast as I could away. That would help me through another night or week, then I will be right back here staring at the glass waiting for the cool aid to be poured.

[karenk1959]

Seriously the only thing you have to do in life is what you want to do. Depression from disphobia or depression from losing your life, depression is depression, just pick your depression.

What if there is a third option? Is our fate that we are not in control or do we have a choice as to how we want to live our lives? I for one acknowledge my gender dysphoria on bad days and then throw it for a time into the imaginary ocean until it comes back in with the tide later on. It helps to accept that although I am envious of women with vaginas, I will never have one. Surgery is not an option after reading about how they do it and potential complications. In the mean time, I choose to celebrate my life, including all the love I have from my wife, kids and friends. I have realized I do have a choice and it is very freeing. I might add that I have suffered from life long depression because of repressed TG feelings, including overdoses and ECT, so this hasn't been easy for me.

[Rachel_Christina]

I do not know how you guys do it. If I feel transgender, I cannot see how I could get past it.
And I haven't got passed it either, I tried everything, nothing worked. And yea ther are alot of negatives, but the positives greatly out weigh them.
I at times wish I could have split my life to have a male me too, not for myself but for all those who can't get past my being trans. They can keep that dud lol

If you have managed to find a way that truly gets you passed the feelings of being trans, and the feeling of time running out (this is what plagued my mind) I would have loved to hear it maybe 6 years ago.
But now I love my life, so nope I'm not going back

I wish you all the best of luck on your journeys, you are all very brave and strong.

[karenk1959]

I wish you all the best of luck on your journeys, you are all very brave and strong.

Absolutely the same to you!

[LizK]

After lots of soul searching and therapy, I've decided not to transition.  I've come to terms with the question and see the balance of pain and life catastrophe to far exceed the incremental happiness I might accrue from the process.  I have come to accept who and what I am.

No HRT, no surgery, no social transition or RLE.  Still unrevealed to my family, friends and colleagues.

It's coming up on a year, and so far, so good.

The help I've received on this site has in large part made this possible to work through and survive.

Thanks to all, especially several very special people who helped me through some tough times.

Steph

Excellent...Peace comes in many forms and it sounds like you have found yours. 

[JoanneB]

As long as the good days vastly outnumber the bad days I'm kind of sort of sure I can keep this train (wreck) on the non-binary track. I know that even if I did/could do a full social transition I'd still have bad days. Practically everyone does. Otherwise there wouldn't a host of multi-billion dollar "Feel-Good" industries out there.

Taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, has given me the inner strength, the knowledge, and importantly the confidence to know that if the day ever comes that I NEEDED to do a full transition I can, hence most likely will. Hopefully, all the other aspects of my life that are important to me will remain intact. Hopefully any losses will be inconsequential in light of the good days outnumbering the bad

[Deborah]

I have been on HRT for a while and have grown my hair past my shoulders.  I have not socially transitioned although male fail is pretty commonplace.  As long as the dysphoria is gone I'm perfectly happy and for now at least it's gone or on the rare bad days minimal.   Is that transition, part transition, not transition?  I don't know.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

[SailorMars1994]

To the two ladies above me I must commend you, and well i must commend all of you actually for your own self discovery. It is hard for sure, but every route is awesome as long as you are happy. To the OP, there have been days i thought about maybe not fully transitioning or just going back... those days by and large are gone, but when they do pop up i get the same reaction i got back then. My chest gets pains in it, i feel like i could vomit and want to rip my hair out. Just merley by thinking of anything male, not even going through abandoning my transtion .I dont know how you can pull it off but if you can, good for you <3

[SadieBlake]

What if there is a third option? Is our fate that we are not in control or do we have a choice as to how we want to live our lives? I for one acknowledge my gender dysphoria on bad days and then throw it for a time into the imaginary ocean until it comes back in with the tide later on. It helps to accept that although I am envious of women with vaginas, I will never have one. Surgery is not an option after reading about how they do it and potential complications. In the mean time, I choose to celebrate my life, including all the love I have from my wife, kids and friends. I have realized I do have a choice and it is very freeing. I might add that I have suffered from life long depression because of repressed TG feelings, including overdoses and ECT, so this hasn't been easy for me.

Well Karen, the Buddhist view would be that control is only an illusion. I don't read how you're advocating a 3rd option to transitioning vs choosing not to. Transition or don't is the choice, how you live with your decision isn't a different choice.

Nearly all of us elect for some outlet to physically express being female/feminine, whether that's cross dressing, HRT, surgery etc. If you're looking for people who are more supportive in the sense of choosing not to transition, a transgender site may not be the best place to find that. Your other recent post asked if the people here are biased but I don't think that's the point.

People who deny something essential in themselves are generally not happy, same thing goes for those who choose to live closeted or stay in relationships that don't respect their identities. In this I don't think being closeted trans is any different from being closeted gay or lesbian.

I think a key thing that's difficult for not transitioning is that this isn't simply a mental construct and to the extent it is about the brain, there's universal agreement that brain structure in fact differs between trans and cis people. Being trans as I see it -- and how I experience it is very much about my body, as such, how do you address it without involving the body.

Lastly, you say surgery isn't an option because of how it's done and possibility of complications. I guess I could see saying it's not an option if there's a specific reason you're not a viable surgical candidate. All of us who elect for GCS do so based on an assessment of the benefits against the risk. Not taking an option isn't the same as it not existing.

I'm truly glad that both HRT and GCS are options for me. Some people can't take either due to other health problems. However I did get by for nearly 20 years cross dressing and that was certainly enough relief for me through that time.

None of the foregoing auggests I'm not supportive of your choice. I sincerely hope it works for you and goddess knows if there's anything specific I can do to help I'm there for you. Right now the best I can see is an honest consideration of the situation you're faced with.

[karenk1959]

Well Karen, the Buddhist view would be that control is only an illusion. I don't read how you're advocating a 3rd option to transitioning vs choosing not to. Transition or don't is the choice, how you live with your decision isn't a different choice.

Hi SadieBlake,
Thank you for your kind words of support. I wasn't referring to the two options of "to transition or not to transition". I was responding to the comment that Erika_Courtney made of the two choices being "depression from not transitioning or depression from dealing with transitioning ~ you pick your depression." Why do I have to choose between the two? Where is that rule? I have experienced horrible depression all my life from repressing my true self. After realizing it, I experienced horrible depression and severe anxiety over the prospect of losing my wife, family and close, dear friends from transitioning. I totally agreed with Erika_Courtney, until I came to believe that I had a third choice ~ to celebrate and give love and life with gratitude instead of being self-absorbed in depression from what we can't have, regardless of the choice one makes to transition or not.

The Buddhist also believe that one cannot know happiness without understanding and embracing suffering. Were they ever right!

[Janes Groove]

I think you're parsing this a little too close.  After rereading what Erika wrote it seems pretty clear she was talking about the choice between transitioning and not transitioning.

Maybe someday someone will invent a time machine and you won't have to choose between family or transition.