Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm still new here, I wrote an into, and I don't know really how to continue, so I decided to create a thread and share something with you. I wanted to share a dream, joy and hope. We all need those right?

I tried my best, english is not my primary language. So you may see a glitch or two.

I woke up. The first thing my eyes saw was white clouds bathing in an ocean blue sky. But something subtle was different. I started to sit and I saw that I was in high grass. Then I felt my hair on my back, tied in a high ponytail. I touched my head, and I started to see me from a different angle at the same time, like if I was also seeing through a camera at 6 feet of me, and it's when I really saw me in whole, from my eyes and from around. I was a girl, the girl I always was. My blond hair was with 2 french braids from the top of my head on each side, that were running and joining like forming an arrow to a high ponytail behind my head. By siting I felt my breast and the soft fabric on my body.

It was a light dress like a mix of silk and velvet, of a deep blue with lighter blue patterns. The end was pleated and at my thighs, finishing with 3 different layers like a rose blooming. The dress was with blue sky long sleeves.

Upon standing up, I realized that I was in a vast plain of tall grass with flowers, buttercups, harebells and delphiniums. A chain of mountains was in one of the direction, not too far away. The air was warm and full of flower scent. Sounds of insects were buzzing around this wonderful place. Then I watched myself from head to toes. My skin was soft and delicate. I was feeling the sun on my face. Then I saw my breasts in my dress. I held them for a few seconds, then I saw that my nails were painted in a blue similar to my dress. And I could not stop myself to check lower, to touch my legs, to find that everything was like it should. I had sandals, but I decided to remove them to be able to feel the ground and more of this amazing place. I touched my face and my soft hair for a long time, looking to the skies, as I was also able to see me from every side and angle, like if I was also around me. I've done a few steps in the grass with my nude feet and with a large smile I started to cry. All was too beautiful and perfect. I was feeling a boundless gratitude. Like if the universe had decided to give me this moment as a gift. This place, my body, my real body, my true nature. Like if I had the right finally to be free. "You are a part of the universe, and without you, a piece would lack. In this way, you are important. The universe is also you. It expresses itself through you. This part of it is your existence. This is a gift. You have the right to be yourself, in appearance and also in your soul. You are loved, in each particle of your being and in all the complexity of your soul. Be here, right now and fully. Embrace your life and your place in the universe. Breathe, be a part of it. Be delightfully happy, no matter the hard events you lived and the future ones. Because you are loved and will always be forever in a total unconditional way. Fear and ignorance are temporary. Be confident, you are not alone and again, you are loved. Now be the girl you are, take a deep breath, and run, engage yourself totally in this moment and enjoy every part of it."

I ran in the grass, fast, without really checking where my feet could end. Maybe because I knew that nothing bad could happen. I felt my hair in the wind, like the extension of my soul that was also expressing all its joy through this magnificent body. My heart was pounding heavily as I was feeling my breasts moving with the movements. Feeling this body running was at once joy and a striking natural, as if it was always so. I was feeling like when I was a kid and that I was running in similar fields, totally innocent, without worries, with a total free heart. I reached a lake where I continued to run to literally dive in it, fully dressed. I got out, I was soaked and I simply burst into laugher. Then I was stunned again, this laugh, was also feminine, also me. I could not stop myself but to start crying again.

Such a beautiful vision.  I wish you a happy journey through your transition.

Hugs, Carly

That's beautiful, I hope your dream comes true x

Thank you CarlyMcx and anastasialea. I know that "it's just" a dream, but emotions are real and sometimes a surprise like that is much better than reality at some point. I crave for those dreams. Even if it would be unreal, I would definetely dream more often like that.

Do anyone ever experienced a dream of this kind? Of course it has a side effect, reality may taste bitter after this. But I prefer to take it as a gift.

I wondered at some point if this was usual in the TG world, or if it's just me. Or maybe I'm just lucky.

Anyway I wish you all happiness, whatever the way you take to reach it.

Thank you for sharing this!  I could feel your joy and I wept happy tears for you.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

Ok time to more Stacy's rambling :) Sorry to not write often, but when I do it I think it's worth it.

I discovered that it's possible to change our voice chirurgically. And I've "seen" some results, it's really amazing...I said often that I could not bear to live without being 100% on the female side. But with all what is possible today, I think that if I would have no family at all, no one to shock and affect, I think I would do it. To change entirely. Appearence is important but voice is something even more powerful, enough to re-think my position. Ive heard myself in a dream with my feminine voice and it was a major moment of emotion. Voice is very intimate, and i didnt known that having a so natural voice was physically possible without the right biology.

A major thing happened to me lately. I think it can be inspirational for you too.

I don't know how people can be happy, but for me, every time I approach the girl I am more, every time I cherish it, get closer to it, let it go and live it, I'm clearly happier and simple days get a completely new color. So I have built the hypothesis of the definition of happyness. And I do think it can also apply to non-transgenders: "To be happy, you will have to first discover or re-discover your primal true nature, your purest form, and get closer of it the more you can (by being it). After, you will have to find people that will love it, both the simplicity and the richness of it, and one person in particular (as we could define a lover)." I think we are near our true form during childhood, maybe not in transgender terms but at least in happyness terms because of a more simple life and the honesty of our hearts at this time, and as we pass through the painful forced changes and influences of society and the adult world, it changes us so much that we lose sight of our purest form. So much for some people that they may not even remember how it was of if it even existed. Even for people born in the right body, I think they have to reconnect with their true self, remove the fake pieces, listen to their hearts, get rid of everything that being put in their personality to protect themselves or to appear as someone they are not for being accepted by others.

Going further, i see our true form without a physical body. I'm a follower of the spiritism theory and i think that we try male and female to get all possible windows of learning. I believe that during multiple incarnations, we will choose a side to represent and shape our image, with which we have much more affinities. Like imaginating a ball of light as our first form, molding it to a human image with the correct gender and our colors. Still we sometimes must have a life on the other side unfortunately, certainly again for learning purposes. But as we prefer chocolate or vanilla, blue or red, white or black, we feel true and naturally happy being male or female, because we are following our deepest self. We discover which are our colors. So its not about choice, its about discovering and following our true nature. So yes, I think each soul is very unique and fit in a gender, as it would fit with certain type of music and colors. I dont decide to be a girl. I feel me being it like if it always being. We are more than a gender, but its probably the biggest thing that definate us at our poor level of spiritual advancement since we know nothing more that dont need it. Sorry for this very personnal rambling part of seeing existence but i see very logical and natural reasons to be who we are and i think they can be very encouraging once we believe it to be the truth. And considering the gender, I think childhood interests are a mix of what define us the most.

Recently I got passionate about Japanese culture, animes in particular, seeing a lot and accumulating music. I love the richness of their culture, I share with all my heart the greatness of the cuteness they expose in animes, school life of girl circle of friends in particular. It reconnected me to all form of joys including those of my childhood, but also how it's good to be a girl, and I got this wonderful idea: write the story of three girls that are very special friends, including a large part of me in one in particular, starting just before the puberty. Mainly to dive into a powerful friendship from its origins in which each one find it's complementary in the other, while the 3 personnalities are totally different and yet match in a surprising way one with the others. From one being totally princess, to the third more on the tomboy side, and yet all three just being different kind of girls covering the large range, while most people only see one way to be female. For me, girls defined as tomboy are still girls, representing the most energetic and powerful side of being female. It may look like boys, but it's still female. We just need to open our eyes and see how many girls are different in the entire world and still being girls. I started this writing project, and found at the same time that living so close to them is like if I can live with them, feel their joy and happiness, have a bit of a life I never had as a girl, and explore it, with a focus on joy, purity of youth, energy and beauty. The simplicity of sharing happyness during day to day activities. One girl depending on the other in various ways, creating a strong bond. I put in the characters so much of me, so much of my universe, that it's like to expose myself without anyone able to understand the links with me and see them straight, even for the family. Yet, I unhide me this way, I don't have to block my mind in any ways. I just cleverly avoid direct similitudes with me with enough differences to diminish the clearness. Differences of life, families, and on what is happening. So for the common eye it's just a story from some author, but it's an open window on me, so my need to live as I am have a big opportunity to do it. My characters are like my children, I love them deeply and even more with time, and they allow me to explore my inner girl like I never found any kind of activity to touch the heart of it so much. They are a kind of miror of who I am, my deepest hopes and the happyness I run after. I put a lot of time elaborating their personnalities, families, and their psychology. Since those changes happened in my life, I feel like if the girl I am got a huge space to exist, more than never before, and even if it may not always look on the physical appearence, those feelings radiate in my body, the happyness is real. I don't know if it will stay, but I've always liked to write and I have a gift for it (don't be mistaken by my not so good english, my primary language is french so I write in french!).

How to be happy...
- Be yourself
-> They will not let you
- Don't care about them
-> I'm shy and too emotional, it doesn't work
- Don't change
-> Not happy
- Move somewhere where there is enough people that don't care or accept reality (bold-ing the word "reality" 30 times) (which by the way doesn't stop at their belly button and event not at the planet radius)
-> Tried to move in the biggest city inside 700-800km radius. Anxiety issues, didn't worked for long. Being myself was easier though, and much more ressources and possibilities
- Move where no one can hurt you
-> Okay, I got to build a house in the forest. I could become a witch.
Wow, it seems the most valid and achievable possibility from the batch...
Do I feel funny, pissed off, desperate or all of them, I don't know.

By now most anyone can know that I'm in a good mood most of the time. But an old story got me again yesterday. In my personal description in my first post I described a relation I had over the internet long ago. Purely. A lesbian relationship with her not knowing my physical form. It was not fake at all, the only fake part was the physical form. I was plainly myself with her like it's rarely possible otherwise. She was loving me for who I am, a girl. She was directly connected to my soul. We were writing each other almost everyday for 3 years. But then I expected one day the new demands, wanting to meet, anything physical. This was going to a huge disaster eventually. Not even mentionning she hated boys with all her heart for traumatic reasons. She never asked anything like to meet, but I was convainced that it would come, and I finally decided to break it before it happens. How could it not come? How to stop when all is so good? Who would not want to push this to the fullest? I thought the longer we were together, the tougher it will be to break at the end. It was not my decision alone to make, but I was having anxiety issues and I've being convinced that this relation was for a big part of it, which may be true but I've always had anxiety issues all my life so I think it was just not really this. Anyway I don't try to diminish my role, I caused that pain. Mine is her too in this story.

I'm not making excuses I'm the one that initiated the break, I despise myself for it and I'll probably never forgive myself for all the pain I caused. I can't even explain or apologize since I totally lost any sight or her with the years. Today it was the day about it. An unexpected find of a music piece and I was back to it...All the fun we had, the love we shared, her personnality, the subtle moments of affection for each other, her stubborn ideas... I cried a part of the night and most of the day. I'm dehydrated and exhausted. Because of what? That body, that will always prevent any relation like that to happen to it's full state. I've never being so happy with her, and this kind of paradise is totally denied because woman may like men or women, but not the kind of mutant I am. I'm not judging others, only me for how I see myself. I may be happy in a simple hetero relation, but I feel whatever I do, the girl in me is always denied to fully live, this burns and never go away. It's like being partly dead. It's maybe worst even now since I tasted the paradise with her. It was so good that I don't care at all that it was not physical. I could be egoist and seek another like that. But it will again bring only pain at the end, and it's enough unbearable as it is right now. I don't want make any girl to suffer like this, and worst the treason that she would discover one day because of my apparence. I would prefer never had a chance to have a relation again than to live with this pain and weight. Of course I may meet one that don't seek physical, but what kind of human may want this? We are all pushed by nature to make physical contact. We always want more. It's always a question of time before it happens.

I can't even talk about this to anyone, because no one knows who I am inside. How much a life could be a so perfect dead end? And something that no body can understand except people living with this? So you are the pros. I know that you could say just change myself, make the transformation. It's not so simple and it will solve the girl to girl problem, even with a perfect appearence, a past is following me negating being a girl. You don't know how stuck up I am and my family is even worse. I came from a 1700 people town, I let you imagine how close they are with the entire world. I don't live there anymore but I'm still in region and big city where I could find ressources that you use, it was no match for my anxiety. After one year I was in too much pain to continue going to school (a return after years) and I finally moved. I guess I could try to live not too far and going time to time...I think there is no support elsewhere. I talk about Montreal in Canada in the eastern province. I think it's the only city with this kind of support.

I guess I could get a girl that have a twisted fetish for trans, which is totally not what I want. I know I'm a trans, but I don't want to be a trans I want to be a girl, but I've not the courage that some got to go through all the transformation, and I can't change my family too, nor my past. I really feel alone in all this. I don't know what to do. It seems hopeless. Sorry to drag some people's mood down. You know the movie Avatar? Spoiler warning... At the end, the real physical form of the guy is revealed, but it's at least still a guy as it was as an avatar. There is still no problem for them! And he got transfered totally to the new body form. I wish i could be transfered entirely like this in another body. Maybe it would not be mine, but I could at least live as a girl entirely. So girl to girl love is impossible? I guess I have greater chances of happyness to nourrish the girl in me in others ways, which will never be the love I seek. At least I guess half happyness is better than nothing.

Is there at least any stories of trans that had a girlfriend that "liked" your true self? I don't mean "accept", I mean enjoying it at least. I don't know, some kind of revelation after some time of successful relationship, in which the love was strong not only enough to bring "acceptation" but also interest, and by any chances, passion, admiration, some kind of delight towards your entire being that even give more richness to the existing love...Or I'm only dreaming...

I just wanted to say, it's so good to be a girl. That powerful feeling of happyness and freedom. To dance through it, to feel grace, beauty and cuteness. Walking lightly on the top of clouds, feeling the wind on our soft skin. The sun gently rubbing our face, the feeling that even nature embrace this wonderful harmony of being who you really are in body and soul. I can't stop loving the feeling of long hair moving around with every body move, like an extension of my soul. That even if I'm not attracted by guys, I love the charm I apply on them, and them treating me like a girl, in their eyes and their words, boosting every feminine sensation in me, like a celebration, love for what I am. Girls born that way don't realize the luck and power they have. It's like a long dance that i would never end, it's completely intoxicating. I enjoy every second of it.

I started to listen to old 90s music and randomly I've fallen on "Britney Spears - I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman".
I'm listening to it again and again, some lyrics are making me cry right now, they are perfect, like if the universe was pating my head saying "be strong":

I'm not a girl
But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find
Her way

I wish everyone here that need it, maybe desperately as me, to find strength too.

Hi again

I learned something recently, and some of you may already know it, but I wanted to share anyway for those that don't. It really help especially if you are depressive and feel hopeless. So I wanted to share some powerful light.

Native americans used the term "two spirit" for people not being the standard "full" man and "full" woman. They were revered and families having them were considered lucky. People was given the possibility after childhood to embrace who they really are, with rituals. Gender identity, as well as sexual orientation, were all took as natural. It has nothing to do with "tolerance", it's far above, it was known to be natural. Two spirit people were loved and respected, seen as having both gender eyes and skills, making them more important for their role in the community. Within this culture it was considered highly offensive to approach a two spirit for the purpose of them performing the traditional role of their biological gender.

From what I understand of it, what nature allow to exist, is by default natural. And if there is a creator, it also implies that she/he/it wanted it to exist this way. So american natives just took the nature as it is, the will of the creator, and integrated everything as natural, so "normal". This is so simple and beautiful. They have understood it all... I don't care for religions but if this one would have been worldwide, imagine how today could be. The only abnormality and anti-nature I see, is being against nature itself, by denying us to exist. Religion in this way, could really give us a wonderful freedom. It always has cons but for us, it would have been a fresh new ground.

Still, knowing that all this existed is really a balm for the heart. Living with those people would have been really something amazing. For people wanting to know more, try keywords two spirit american native on google.

You're words make me cry. They are poetic and immensely beautiful, and they speak to the woman in me in a language I can't not hear.  Like a megaphone would reach your ear through the palm of your hand they would resonate inside of me no matter how in denial I was of my femaleness. I hope you keep posting here. Thank you. <3

Thank you Rae321!

I'm really happy to have touched your heart that much. It's being a while without reactions on my thread so I never really know what others think. So it's really good to read you. Even if I may feel really alone, when I see that I can generate the reaction you had, I feel less alone, I see that my words and thoughts have a meaning not only for me and it's important for me. Thank you for having took the time to say what you feel.

I love how positive, uplifting, beautiful and spiritual your thread is!  Thank you for sharing your sensitive soul.

Love,

Jael

I read this again today and i was thinking about what you said about voice being a more powerful kind of change and it reminded me of my struggle to make my inner voice real and you don't need surgery for that.  With a voice coach you can train your voice to be almost anything.  It doesn't take away your original voice so it doesn't have to shock anyone but whenever you wanted to you would be able to hear the woman in you speak out loud.  Like putting on an audio dress with a little makeup.  It might help you a little to feel you are living out your feminine life even if it's just a voice you use by yourself or with select people.  It sounds like you are very far from a place where you can consider even the possiblity of transition and that sounds very very lonely. It really puts my fears about the possibility of actual transition in perspective and clarifies my path so that i see so much more clearly how i need to follow it as i could just as easily not have the choice. Maybe a voice coach would be a small way for you to reach out to your inner girl while still feeling safe in your universe and uoy can do it online.  Is just a thought, as i'm thinking about you this morning.  Hugs <3

Thank you Jeal for your kind words. I'm not always so positive actually but I try to emphasis on good things.

Rae: your "audio dress with a little make-up" analogy is really cute and funny. I've not just issues with where I live, I've anxiety issues and I'm easily affected by health changes and body feelings, it would be too risky to use pills like hormones, I already use anxiety meds and I'm already barely breathing above the surface. I cannot see how i could mix hormones with all this and hoping to feel good. But it's not the right place too, of course. Just to give you an example, I got harassed by family and unknown people just for having long hair, just that. And it was not changing with time. I've also some social phobia so I've not the profile to change my appearance. I would need at least to move somewhere else. Like Montreal, the place where I feel myself like nowhere, but it's a crazy place to live with anxiety. I tried it and got out after 18 months, plus it's expensive.

I had no choice but to live who I am by other ways like I described. It seems light and very far from what others do but beside of nothing it's already something. I've a lot of land here in nature to feel myself through physical activities, feeling alive, feeling my silhouette, I just need to look away from my body, or simply stay there and meditate. And if I'm really alone, I can unlock me even more with the moves I want and my more crazy self. I exchange the word "crazy" for "uniqueness" those days. But I still like the word crazy, I see it more and more positive with time since nobody want someone boring with no colors. And it's maybe just in my head but I feel nature on my side, to see my true self and always encourage me to be myself. It's like the best place to let it go. I thought to buy clothes...but I don't want to see this on a body that deny the femininity it's too painful. More than doing nothing. I would need at least to remove all hair, legs more than anywhere else, and this would not pass outside...even more with a new friendship that I got lately, a girl that I want to get closer. So I use my safe ways to be. Only one friend and my brother know about who I am. And this friend is still not accepting it, but want to stay with me so she simply do like if she doesn't know, pushing away what she doesn't want. Since my appearance doesn't change, she can manage it.

Rae of course if I could change my voice without surgery it would be perfect. I know nothing about the voice training you mentioned. I thought that our vocal chords are physically designed and never change, so the sound should not change too. I thought that people that can do that are simply gifted and special, like a skill that is not for everyone. I knew that singers can work, like on high pitch to increase a bit, but high pitch is not necessarily feminine, it's just higher, but I guess you don't talk about that. There are trainers for that? Is that have a name? It would be something to talk to myself alone in a feminine voice...I whisper sometimes on songs with a female singer, almost feeling it from me. We take what we can.

Absolutely. If you google search voice feminization there are coaches you can pay for lessons and theres a lot of YouTube videos with techniques and excersices that will give you more control over your voice and let you speak in a feminine voice when you want to and in a msculine voice when you need to. If youre self training through exercises it wont happen fast but little by little it might lead you to a voice that helps you cope with your situation. Im sorry you cant embrace your inner woman more. I would like to say 'you should move some place thats more open' but we should all know thats not always an option and often its impossible so know that from however far away it is from here to there im rooting for you and i see you ( like namaste see you).  <3

Quote from: Purplewisp on April 02, 2019, 01:14:43 PM
Thank you Jeal for your kind words. I'm not always so positive actually but I try to emphasis on good things.

Rae: your "audio dress with a little make-up" analogy is really cute and funny. I've not just issues with where I live, I've anxiety issues and I'm easily affected by health changes and body feelings, it would be too risky to use pills like hormones, I already use anxiety meds and I'm already barely breathing above the surface. I cannot see how i could mix hormones with all this and hoping to feel good. But it's not the right place too, of course. Just to give you an example, I got harassed by family and unknown people just for having long hair, just that. And it was not changing with time. I've also some social phobia so I've not the profile to change my appearance. I would need at least to move somewhere else. Like Montreal, the place where I feel myself like nowhere, but it's a crazy place to live with anxiety. I tried it and got out after 18 months, plus it's expensive.

I had no choice but to live who I am by other ways like I described. It seems light and very far from what others do but beside of nothing it's already something. I've a lot of land here in nature to feel myself through physical activities, feeling alive, feeling my silhouette, I just need to look away from my body, or simply stay there and meditate. And if I'm really alone, I can unlock me even more with the moves I want and my more crazy self. I exchange the word "crazy" for "uniqueness" those days. But I still like the word crazy, I see it more and more positive with time since nobody want someone boring with no colors. And it's maybe just in my head but I feel nature on my side, to see my true self and always encourage me to be myself. It's like the best place to let it go. I thought to buy clothes...but I don't want to see this on a body that deny the femininity it's too painful. More than doing nothing. I would need at least to remove all hair, legs more than anywhere else, and this would not pass outside...even more with a new friendship that I got lately, a girl that I want to get closer. So I use my safe ways to be. Only one friend and my brother know about who I am. And this friend is still not accepting it, but want to stay with me so she simply do like if she doesn't know, pushing away what she doesn't want. Since my appearance doesn't change, she can manage it.

Rae of course if I could change my voice without surgery it would be perfect. I know nothing about the voice training you mentioned. I thought that our vocal chords are physically designed and never change, so the sound should not change too. I thought that people that can do that are simply gifted and special, like a skill that is not for everyone. I knew that singers can work, like on high pitch to increase a bit, but high pitch is not necessarily feminine, it's just higher, but I guess you don't talk about that. There are trainers for that? Is that have a name? It would be something to talk to myself alone in a feminine voice...I whisper sometimes on songs with a female singer, almost feeling it from me. We take what we can.

If it makes you feel any better, it took me eight years to work through enough trauma and abuse issues to the point I could even approach this about myself.  In the process I learned many valuable coping strategies and learned to live a life with more gratitude and love, and eventually honesty. In some ways it feels like the stars just aligned for me, but in reality it was the culmination of many many little choices and actions that added up until I had a place where I could begin to unfold.

I feel really impatient, but I still need to go slow.  One day at a time :D

Love,

Jael

Jeal,                                     This.. Just This.

    In some ways it feels like the stars just aligned for me, but in reality it was the culmination of many many little choices and actions that added up until I had a place where I could begin to unfold.

I feel really impatient, but I still need to go slow.  One day at a time :D

right now this sounds like the wisdom i need to remember and repeat to myself a lot.

Even if it's not our fault, living in a black hole consume people around. The pain spread to others, and because in my case it's difficult to help me for people around me, I tend to choose who can take some of my issues, because they cannot all help, and some fall easily under too much stuff. Although I've not enough help, I hardly can put my issues on everyone at the same level. I avoid it completely for one, I give more to another, and for one another that can take only half or a part, I motive myself to "help him to help me" by sending to him what good is happening to me, I share the sun, whatever it is. So I don't just become a black hole. I don't have a lot of people and I care for what I share, for the weight of it. I felt guilty each time I talked about stuff that hurt, or talked about it for too long. But if I completely stop to talk, I will collapse on myself. So now I try to give only a part to who that can take it and share some sun, and it's like a kind of gratitude in return, too. And then I'm not seen desperate, completely. So I don't lose people. But you both know what it is, we need to get all this pain outside, and I have a lot to get out. That's why I'm on a waiting list for psychological help. One person that can take most of it without danger and without me feeling darkening someone I love. I've never talked to any "professional" of who I am really, it was mostly always for anxiety issues. I also need to find a way to live happy, and a meaning for my life.

Despite all this, what I wrote here is true. I can feel happiness, even if it's harder during winter. I'm not crying all day, it happens a few minutes per day or two days randomly depending on my thoughts or accidentally on some music that I don't stop myself to listen to when it starts, but I'm also in joy with my personal writings, I enjoy piano, and I don't work anymore so I'm taking the time to think, how I could be happy, what I could do of this life, finding a meaning for my existence, change bad habits. And I'm looking forward this new summer to start, to go outside and feel alive and move fast and with music. Also being at the beach again. Since I stopped setraline I've lost almost all the weight it got me on, I'm at 9 pounds of my healthy weight so I don't feel shame anymore to show me on a beach, and my body is so light I can move a lot and fast, without being tired. It's like if I'm back in old time.

And since we are talking about it, during the last 5 years I've finally done what my family was expecting of me, returning to school, get a specialty diploma (computer sciences and networking), then a job...I was on meds, I was stoned, not caring much for anything, empty. The job was too much pressure, and I'm not too good with big responsabilities. I stopped the med that was stoning me since it was doing nothing good anyway, I got my feelings back, but also my creativity. I took this med all my life...and now I decided to control my life myself. And my will to feel my inner self started to be stronger than ever before by leaving this drug. Just saying, meds can freeze everything, joy included, it's a kind of protection but you never change, you never experiment and evolve. Unlocking the good also unlocked the bad and the pain, but I still think it's the only way. So I was saying, I've done what people wanted. I thought it would indicate to me how to be happy, and give my life a meaning. It's false. It's a magic thought. For me the conclusion is simple: I'm not everyone, so it doesn't suffice to just do like them to be happy, especially for us. But yes I believed it to be true... Now I took a break of work and I don't know what I will do, but instead of doing anything (new job) that could end fast and got a really bad background, I prefer to take my time. I lived like a blind rocket not knowing really where I go for 5 years. Before this I got a lot of time in the hell of medication trying, isolation and not caring for anything.

Even meditation is pretty new for me. Writing is new from this last summer too, an awesome finding, to create the life of the girl that I could have been, in a threesome with an amazing friendship going through adolescence, living the experiences I was never able to live, and finding this fabulous love I met, but this time, bodies are good, everything is good, and nothing can stop the love to work. I'll never have kids, but this work is my kid, my only heritage, maybe the biggest thing I will be proud of, and having the feeling to leave my mark behind. Some may say it's unreal, but it's a powerful source of light for me, I feel being this girl since it's me even if family and life is different, I feel the feelings and the happiness, I live all what I was not able to. The danger in suffering is to give up, so if an unreal thing can give joy and make life to continue, it doesn't matter at all the nature of what it is.

Thank you for the voice training, I'll look at this! I can't pay for now so I'll check the free stuff. I hope it can be done on pretty much everyone. I guess it must be long, but it's ok if it can work. Also thank you for caring about me and helping. Rae and Jeal. I'm grateful.

I've started to read about voice training and check some results, it's amazing! I really don't know how it would sound for me, but I've not a so low voice, so I may achieve good results I guess. I'll try to stick with the free stuff for now. The idea to have such a voice at will...anywhere, when I want, wow...This would be really felt real compared to other things. It's huge when you have near of nothing. You are bringing me the first buds and the first summer rays of the season! Thanks!
----<-@

Quote from: Purplewisp on April 03, 2019, 01:21:33 PM
I've started to read about voice training and check some results, it's amazing! I really don't know how it would sound for me, but I've not a so low voice, so I may achieve good results I guess. I'll try to stick with the free stuff for now. The idea to have such a voice at will...anywhere, when I want, wow...This would be really felt real compared to other things. It's huge when you have near of nothing. You are bringing me the first buds and the first summer rays of the season! Thanks!
----<-@

I just went to my first voice training lesson. It was very empowering. Like you, I have a naturally higher pitch voice, and there are lots of online resources.  I felt like I had a good foundation before the lesson just from my own self-learning. I need to work on bringing my resonance to my face by relaxing my jaw and slow down, particularly lengthening vowels.

I just talk to myself in my car in my girl voice :)

Love,

Jael

First I have to say that I renamed my name from Purplewisp to Stacy so it's still me! And I feel the need to share more. So that's it.

Quote from: Rae321 on April 02, 2019, 01:39:51 PM
Im sorry you cant embrace your inner woman more. I would like to say 'you should move some place thats more open' but we should all know thats not always an option and often its impossible so know that from however far away it is from here to there im rooting for you and i see you ( like namaste see you). <3

I thank you for this. When I came here, I had the feeling that everyone was transitioning. I felt alone and isolated. No one has been rude with me, but I felt that I was not worthy of the same attention, since I was not doing the whole thing. How could I complaint or express sadness while some are going through rough times during transition? Like if they need support much more than me. I felt having no courage, or far from the stunning one that a lot of people here are expressing. I was afraid of being judged for not transitioning, be rejected or seen as not deserving much time and attention.

In my teen years I got bullied so much that I left school and life in general (I finished school later). And it was even not about being trans. They never needed a "big" reason to push someone in hell to the very limits. I lived out of this world for many years, isolated. I've been on antidepressants since then, for anxiety and depression, and always seen people as scary somehow, because they are often mean and unpredictable. I can hardly stand judgement, I'm too sensitive, I cannot block them of affecting me. I can imagine things just by seeing eyes of others, not being paranoid but ready to get something bad. It took a lot of years to be able to be more myself and less like others want me to be and feel more confident, and be less affected by what they can think about me. So I'm not a good candidate for transition and I also don't live in a good place for this. I don't know how far I will be able to be myself. But I still hope to be seen as valid here, transitioning or not. I hope I don't offend anyone by not going in the whole thing. I try to live like I can, I'm still happy for the minimum I can get, and I'm also happy to be here. And felt understood.

While I'm still envying cis females, I enjoy every bits of feeling female as much as I can. And I'm even more happy if I can inspire others to do the same, to feel and live it. I've never denied to be a girl, but it was so natural I guess, that I was doing things without really thinking about it. I think I was 8 or 9 when I tried to put my sister's clothes on and I remember clearly that I was not feeling anything special about the thought of doing it, at the exception that it was without her permission. I was not aware of myself. I was like doing things blindly. I looked at myself and I don't remember a weird or bad feeling, I just remember that I liked it, that it was beautiful and a feeling of "they (girls) are lucky to have the right to put on beautiful things like those". Then a more general feeling "they are lucky to be beautiful". Even as a kid, I knew my thoughts and doing were not "normal", but I've not changed my kid's mind anyway and I had no idea of what was going on. I just knew that it was to be keep secret. I felt girls to be sacred, gifted by nature to be as they are, and privileged by everyone for their status. Being so young, even if they were without breasts, any makeup, out of any sexual context and out of any "woman" context, I was envying them already. I was not aware if I was the only one to be like that or not.

Later at 13 my best friend asked me why sometimes I was acting like a girl. I was surprised, "I do this? I don't know, I'm just me, I never really noticed". He thought I was gay, but there was no chance. I was already loving girls deeply. One time we had to play an actor role. And I got to do the girl, it has fallen on me. Boys would feel embarrassed if it was them, no boy wanted such a role, except me. It was my first intensive experience to feel female, the acting wanted me to be treated as a girl with all the setup so everything was in place. Scenes were around a new love awakening, getting closer with very light touch and no real kissing. I felt extremely good, it was very powerful, and without any sexual response. After all the play was with boys. The main power was coming from inside, and outside for them treating me like a girl. I felt like if for the first time, I was real entirely. Like suddenly having a third lung, that I was even not aware to exist. It was powerfully emotional, and I felt it all around, like bathing in a colorful cloud of femininity. For the first time in a little time window of my life, I was near as fully me, and seen somehow the same by others. Tasting harmony that would change my life. But another thing was wonderful. They said, in a serious way and being impressed: "you're really good doing girl roles. It's looking so natural on you. How you do that? It's almost if you are a girl for real" In that instant I don't realized it, neither they realized it too, but humankind at this second exposed me as a trans girl and not only accepted it but seen it as a wonderful thing. The statement for me today is simple, it can be understood like that : "You're a girl, and you're beautiful" Even if it was not their words, they had no idea how deep their original words touched me, I was surprised of the power myself. I felt so good that I managed to play a girl role again, I provoked it two other times, rejecting boy roles and eventually people got suspicious. Why this obstinacy to be a girl? The answer was so obvious, isn't it? Like flowers growing at the return of the summer. So obvious that a young kid would guess it, by deduction, having no society filters. Their hearts are so pure and their minds so clean and simple. Like my last holidays in Montreal in downtown, where a little girl with her dad decided to choose me on sidewalk from all other people, run for me and hug me tight with a big smile, just like that, like if life was sending to me a message. Internet was barely there, and the elementary school content was not covering the trans topic, neither at high school (end of 90s). So people thought I was gay, without any more thinking. I had no idea myself of what was to be trans, so I was not seeing myself female in a conscious way, I was just seeing me to be very weird. But I knew what I want, where I felt so good. Life offered me a preview, a clear gift. "See yourself. And remember how you felt. You will understand later." One funny thing, the sister of my best friend was obviously having a crush for me, and was totally in my girl role, helping, following, offering anything I may need, even wanting to play herself at my side. I don't know how far she cared about me being a girl, but it may be a wink of life about what is possible.

I ended hanging with boys less and less, seeking more female friends. People say girls are complex and complicated, but I felt them simpler in many ways, and felt always better with them, it was easier to be myself, and I was feeling good instead of being with boys. I was very shy, very emotional, having no interest in boy things at all. Sports, cars, mechanic, wrestling and competition, all this bored me deeply. Their way to treat girls also disgusted me, more and more through teen years. As any teen, I wanted to be accepted and "normal", so I pushed myself to be boyish and guess what, now I had a real feeling to be an actor. It was completely fake, and I knew I could not do it forever. Girls took my female essence to be simply personality traits that they liked very much, they liked that I defend them, that I give them power and put them high, empowering their own femininity. They were seeing me as a very special boy, a sum of very positive things. Some boys said I had a harem, and asked me how I do to be surrounded of girls. I said "it's not a harem, they are my friends, and being with them is a privilege, not a right. I don't treat them like >-bleeped-< or sexual objects, and they don't treat me like that either." But for most of boys, a friendship with a girl was impossible or a pretext to have more. I was not getting "all" the girls, in fact my shyness made things very difficult. But I got precious female friends and some new appeared with time, and I dropped those treating me like a toy pretty fast. I felt what girls felt, being used. And I've been even more protective for them after.

One friendship evolved after 2 years in true love. I had severe anxiety and depression issues and I left school at this time, I was 17, and she got too overwhelmed by all this so she ran away. Passing to college, I lost several of my female friends, or they changed, and my isolation was not doing me any good to keep them. Then I met one very special girl that changed my life in huge ways. But I've told this story already. My body destroyed everything. But the changes she has made to me are still very in effect, very powerful, woke up and propelled my femininity completely like a spectacular firework. so I cannot just say she was just a love like some others. I'm far from asexual, but penetration has for me no interest. I see it as a male thing, added that only a few percentage of women can have pleasure like this. So even for sex, I'm not male. The body can deny it in appearance but that's the limit, because I'm female everywhere else. Antidepressants shut downed a large part of myself, joy, sadness, ambition, creativity and my femininity wanting to live. I'm 11 months free of them, the longer time ever (I started when I was 17) and I'll probably never swallow one again, and leaving them unlocked everything. Not being a cis female is a pain but I've never got so many creative ways to feel female, never found a such powerful light that keep me alive even if the rest of my life has no sense.

Rae321 you said I was poetic, in fact I started to write fiction like I explained in this thread, and it involve some kind of poetry too in form of gifts between characters. So being in it, I tend to care for what I write here when it's supposed to be beautiful, like when I told my dream. I'm in female/female romance for the fourth part of the big story I write, I've never written such things, it feels extremely good and makes me happy. I mean, I never liked myself, but I love what I write, so it's like loving myself in a way, and it's very new to me. Imagine, how it's powerful to have finally found a way to like or even love yourself when it seemed impossible. I may not have the life I want but I can make another reality alive by writing, and this is magic. Creating characters is an impressive experience, like seeing our own children be born and developing a rich personality the more the time pass. And this new love later, was mine. But in this story, it blooms and grows without the body barrier, as it should have happened. I honor her by doing this and keeping her anonymous, and live it like a mourning.

Also about beautiful things, reality is made already of enough vulgarity, ugliness, so I'm creating a pure world and make everything beautiful. I've chosen to be myself as I've chosen the "beautiful side". When I hear cis females talk roughly and swearing for nothing, I feel sad. I'm not snob, but sometimes it's really trashy, very exaggerated especially in the small area I live in. They have the chance to be cis females, and I don't understand why they do not embrace beauty, what is so funny about being vulgar. I mean, no one choose its body, but we can choose what we say, how we say it, how we live partly. I try to put beauty in what I do, I see it in a way to express femaleness. I'm not saying girls should all be like that, or that they are less girls for not doing that, but I see their light to diminish. If I would have a girlfriend, I would love her to be natural, not needing make up, and loving her also in sweatpants, for sure. I always loved girls at being natural. It's not what I'm talking about. Beauty I'm talking is more from inside, trying to be pure, nice, beautiful. Choosing the words, avoiding some. I just say that it adds light, something I love, it beautifies, and I consider it to be a really beautiful side of being female. But well it's personal I guess. I try to do it myself. I feel more myself when doing it, I'm tired of ugly things we see and hear everywhere. This world doesn't have to be ugly.

The girly world I'm creating by writing is like opening my heart and sending to universe my inner self. It's not transitioning, but it's exposing myself securely. I cherish those moments and I thank the girl that changed my life by sending to her vibes of happiness and wishes for her to be rewarded and life to make her happy, because her gift has no price, she revealed so much in me that I was not seeing or being conscious of, I own her my female life that would have been sleeping probably for a very long time otherwise. I try to honor this angel by trying to love me like she loved me, whatever my physical appearance may show. Her wish was me to be happy. I regret to have lived female in a barely minimal way, but even if it was so light, I realized I always needed it. I've never really lived without it. Of course I seem to live it still lightly from a trans perspective for someone that has transitioned, but I express it in my ways, like my writing project, things I was not doing at all before. And I'll make those books, I'll push this light to the rest of the world one day. And who know, it could bring potential friends or even love. I'm so in desperate need of this that I could cry talking about it more than a minute. But my writing is not for this, it would just be a side effect that I would take and enjoy completely. I got a first appointment for psychological help, next week. I'll have to reveal myself. I can't hide if I want help. You guess it, I hope it will be a woman.

I hope it is too,  but more than that I hope they help.  I know my counselor has helped me a lot and i will always be grateful that i finally sought her out.  Good luck with your appointment.  <3

Stacy,

I still need to read through all the follow-up posts, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your dream. I came across this thread shortly after I discovered I was transgender, and reading it gave me a lot of hope and encouraged me to get involved on the forum.

Blessings,
Alla

Quote from: Rae321 on April 14, 2019, 11:21:55 AM
I hope it is too,  but more than that I hope they help.  I know my counselor has helped me a lot and i will always be grateful that i finally sought her out.  Good luck with your appointment.  <3

Thank you. I wish to be lucky as you. I had several kind of support in the past but it was not for this. It was for anxiety, my days were a nightmare. And I got bad and good counselors. From government and from schools since I was a student when I decided to get a specialization. 2 women in 2 different schools were far better than government staff, maybe because working with young people attract the most mothering counselors. I don't know. Those women were like best friends, very kind, understanding fast, mid protective and mid realist but without lecturing me or giving me orders or being harsh. Others were the inverse of those things, detached, not feeling much for me or tried to get me in their personal way of thinking, often a kind of philosophy that doesn't work for me. Thursday is a dispatch, a one-time shot to evaluate all my needs so this person will not be my definitive counselor. It's the first time that I will talk to someone else than my brother and a friend about my true nature. I'm really not at ease to do it, and physically eye in the eye. The dispatcher is a guy, a social worker, so it will be even more hard and weird. But he has heard this surely more than one time. My brother's girlfriend guessed that I'm a trans girl lately but we never talked about it but my brother informed me that she guessed, and she said to me that best therapists are private, that it would be the best to go deep in my life because I've a lot of scars and issues, and that the money worth it very much since it changes life completely once you really know and understand yourself. Unfortunately I've still not the money for this. I don't know what to think. Government counselors seem to think that all what matter is you to being "functional", so to work and keep your job. It's only a feeling I have. While private counselors care more about you, being happy, than just to be a working cog in the society big machine. This would explain why government counselors are more practical, go faster, seek a precise goal that is more a minimal happiness to being able to work than helping you to be totally in harmony with yourself and others. I hope I'm wrong because for now I can only afford government's counselors. I just remember that I've been told "we cannot solve all issues. You will have to choose." by one of them. And I felt it very cold. I'm in Canada. I think in the US you pay for any counselor you need? Here it's a free service from government but I figure that since everyone pay them with taxes, they need to be more practical and go fast. But like I said it's just a feeling. I was not lucky for some.

Quote from: AllazandraTelsar on April 14, 2019, 06:04:49 PM
Stacy,

I still need to read through all the follow-up posts, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your dream. I came across this thread shortly after I discovered I was transgender, and reading it gave me a lot of hope and encouraged me to get involved on the forum.

Blessings,
Alla

You're welcome Allazandra! I'm really happy if my dream help to wake up your true self and give you hope. The sharing was also for this. I wish you a dream tailored for you, it's extremely powerful and rejuvenating. And I also wish you eventually a reality in which you will be in harmony with yourself. I smile at you and giving you a warm welcome on the forums!

I didn't say this before. So.. Stacey, I like it! I shall address you as such (insert curt maidenly nod of the head here). :D

Thank you Rae. I like yours too :) Mine is in my life from some time and with significant memories bound to it. I don't know why I've not used it from the start. I was afraid of something, I don't know what. It took a lot of time to decide to do an introduction too. I guess I can all put on my shyness. I was hiding and hesitant even with my name.

Your name sounds familiar. But it's maybe that I feel yourself familiar too.

I had my appointment, in which my general need is "learn how to be happy enough by living in this world and not ending alone the rest of my life". The interview was supposed to be with a guy, finally it was a girl! I never said before "I'm a trans girl" face to face to someone, and only 3 people know. It was hard to do this for the first time but much easier with a girl, and after I felt it was not so hard as I thought. Then she offered me to talk to me in female form in case of needing to use 3rd person "she" and "her" and even using my female name. I refused because it would be powerful enough to make me cry all along. And I needed to be able to talk... But I felt the respect, the possibilities, and that I was there, at this step of saying it aloud at least to a professional, and felt I should have been there since long ago. We covered my life, my issues, and she will analyze everything and offer me something in one week. I have no power on what kind of service I will get, it's a public and free service. I don't work anymore, I resigned in February, I was choking on stress and pressure, and having so little time to live in which I was feeling tired and empty (no energy but also an empty life). I think emptiness hurts less now that I've freedom. Because I have the time to do things I like so there is happy moments that were not there before. I can live with some money aside for a while before to decide how I want to live with what work. It's probably the last time I can enjoy total freedom. My anxiety and depression are more than just being trans, and with urgent needs, so I don't know how far I'll have the chance to go in the trans direction for this service. Maybe they will offer to me more than one. I often think about getting female clothes these days. With the internet it's all packed and hidden, and I live alone. I think I'm more afraid of being frustrated and sad that the risk to get caught. I just can't get out of my head that it could feel really good. And a more happy experience than what I think. I just keep repeating "I have to do it one day". Something seems to block me. Maybe it will feel too good? I'm so stuck in my head. I think I'm too much imagining bad comments I would get, even if I'll be alone to know. Like if I cannot let it go without thinking to people. Maybe related to my social phobia. Maybe it would go away by trying. I feared people all my life, it shaped my life and decisions. And now it still do even if they are not concerned directly. It should be a natural need to try clothes and I feel it like a challenge. Since I'm here I think I feel things more natural, I feel a good influence, so maybe I'll convince myself eventually.

Stacy, have you thought of just getting something a little androgynous but still on the feminine side? Maybe a cowl neck sweater and a bracelet, or a button up blouse that could be mistaken for a feminine men's shirt? Maybe even throw in a thin necklace that looks middle of the road.  There's some cheaper stuff on amazon that won't last and isn't really well made but might let you feel it out the clothing question a little more in private and see how that feels for you without having to commit to an entire cross dress outfit that might seem shocking. I'm still working out the social aspects of it but putting on a skirt and blouse and a little makeup and jewelry and then letting my woman out around the house just doing some chores or cooking dinner really helps me feel better. I try to not look in the mirror too much when i do it because I still look very much like a man and it unnerves me (not to mention I'm not very good at this so I look kind of silly in my results) but it helps me recognize what about it feels right and guides me toward a sense of self care and self love that I've been denying myself all these years.

Quote from: Stacy on April 18, 2019, 12:46:32 PM
I had my appointment, in which my general need is "learn how to be happy enough by living in this world and not ending alone the rest of my life". The interview was supposed to be with a guy, finally it was a girl! I never said before "I'm a trans girl" face to face to someone, and only 3 people know. It was hard to do this for the first time but much easier with a girl, and after I felt it was not so hard as I thought. Then she offered me to talk to me in female form in case of needing to use 3rd person "she" and "her" and even using my female name. I refused because it would be powerful enough to make me cry all along. And I needed to be able to talk... But I felt the respect, the possibilities, and that I was there, at this step of saying it aloud at least to a professional, and felt I should have been there since long ago. We covered my life, my issues, and she will analyze everything and offer me something in one week. I have no power on what kind of service I will get, it's a public and free service. I don't work anymore, I resigned in February, I was choking on stress and pressure, and having so little time to live in which I was feeling tired and empty (no energy but also an empty life). I think emptiness hurts less now that I've freedom. Because I have the time to do things I like so there is happy moments that were not there before. I can live with some money aside for a while before to decide how I want to live with what work. It's probably the last time I can enjoy total freedom. My anxiety and depression are more than just being trans, and with urgent needs, so I don't know how far I'll have the chance to go in the trans direction for this service. Maybe they will offer to me more than one. I often think about getting female clothes these days. With the internet it's all packed and hidden, and I live alone. I think I'm more afraid of being frustrated and sad that the risk to get caught. I just can't get out of my head that it could feel really good. And a more happy experience than what I think. I just keep repeating "I have to do it one day". Something seems to block me. Maybe it will feel too good? I'm so stuck in my head. I think I'm too much imagining bad comments I would get, even if I'll be alone to know. Like if I cannot let it go without thinking to people. Maybe related to my social phobia. Maybe it would go away by trying. I feared people all my life, it shaped my life and decisions. And now it still do even if they are not concerned directly. It should be a natural need to try clothes and I feel it like a challenge. Since I'm here I think I feel things more natural, I feel a good influence, so maybe I'll convince myself eventually.

You've made a huge step and shown great bravery in the face of adversity!  My hope for you is to find what I have, that finally being on my authentic path has given me strength I never would have imagined, and made connections with people to help support me.

I've found this book helpful in building resiliency to challenge what I thought were insurmountable fears.  It might be something you could talk to your counselor about?  I don't think I would recommend trying to do it all on your own, as I found some of it quite triggering, but also very helpful with guidance:

The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook: Skills for Navigating Sexual Orientation and Gender Expression (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

I'm proud of you!

<3 Jael

Thank you Jeal. I will check for the book. But I've a long way to go as I said. I've social phobia even for being my basic self, and since forever, that is still giving me a hard time so that's why I prefer to target more modest advancement. When I see all what I would need to do, I tend to just give up because it's too big. I know that you wish everything at maximum for me, but there is more under the water as we can see at the surface, and as I said at this point I just ask for a better life, whatever it is, I'll be already happy if I feel progress in anything. Of course I would like to be my totally self, but I even need more to find my way about how to live basically, approach people, find some kind of equilibrium, keeping a job, just being happy finally, simply, just be able to live without crying, without feeling so empty. I've no gender dysphoria and it's a big advantage, because I think it would be all too much on my shoulders. I know I'm lucky for this, I know a lot of people here suffer with this. The book you mentioned seems also to say how to live in an imperfect world, even for anyone eyes, trans or not, which could be useful for someone like me having anxiety poisoning, since it's still learning to live with people when you have trouble to, trans or not. For now, being totally myself is just a little thing I add, while I'm figuring out under this on a more basic day to day how to simply live and be happy. I've no real social network, I'm alone all the time at the exception of my brother and a friend, both are far away. I've another from past work but I don't see her often and she has no idea of all my issues. I hated my last 2 years life, I just cannot continue like this. I avoid all those topics because it's not really the place here for that. Anxiety is even at home, but at least I can go outside, there was a time 10 years ago when it was even not possible for a while. I got a teenage trauma of intense bullying and violence for years, where human craziness marked my memories of nightmares forever, and there are still days at home when even if I am free and out of physical and mental danger, I feel anguish and intense fear like in my bed yesterday, and tonight, for no apparent reason. Heart pounding, trouble breathing, irrational thoughts, fear of going crazy. Anxiety is my worse enemy, I fear people while I need them at the same time, I fear public humiliation, first contacts, being not good enough, I can't stand verbal violence at me even if I'm much more affirmative than never, and the bare control of anxiety is the source of 99% of the mess I'm in since at some point it's hard to hide and people don't understand. People at work loved me, I loved them, they said I was an exemplary but stress was unbearable, I was losing control of my sleep and my health, I was near going to hospital so I stopped it. They were all sad to see me going, they sent me flowers which made me cry. It was a kind of family. I got many therapies during all those years, it helped somehow but not this much right away, I needed time to experiment and know myself, but I'm more in control than I was. But for therapy this time I wanted to change the target, to work on finding happiness, and being trans goes with it. So sorry for coming with all that but since it's my thread and that I want people to understand, I think I got to talk more about what else is hidden. I just don't want to be see as a failure, or not being valid because I've not what others have to go further, for now. I want that people see the real picture. I just cannot see how I could be female in public while I'm barely feeling fine and at ease just being my biological self. I don't say it's impossible, but there is more work than it appears, behind.

It can sound weird or even shocking for some people here, but my femaleness that woke up a lot in the last year is not just choking about not being totally myself. Of course I would like to, of course I would like to exchange this body, of course I would like to be cis female. No it's not what is shocking. What may shock is that despite all this, this female energy inside, being less restrained and more accepted is something sweet, it's a powerful light, it's a way to enjoy my life that I've never too much explored before. It's a part of me that is just beautiful, it's warm, it inspires me, it puts sun in my pointless life. Because of this I developed love for writing, I restarted playing piano, it gives breath to my creative side I was not aware to exist or not seeing before. I don't say I'm happy, I cry often, sometimes I skip a day, but this femaleness is not primary a weight, not right now. It's like a part of me that enrich my life. That's also why I try to encourage others to embrace it, see it for the beauty it is. If I would ask too much of it, I would suffer. Or if I could not just accept a part of it and and it whole, I would suffer too. But I can kind of dose it right now. I'm lucky to be able to do it, I know that it's not possible for everyone. It sounds so tiny but it was almost totally invisible and forgotten before. I kept it alive barely, almost mechanically. I was not thinking about it, I was getting nothing of all the light it brings. I've been into so much trouble and things that I even forgot how love has shown to me, very long ago, how I was female, how good it was. But it ended badly. I cried for weeks, staying in my bed in intense anguish, I had to stop it in a way or another. It's because partly of medication, and partly because the pain to lose this love was too unbearable, I guess I locked it with all the light with it, to stop feeling, stop thinking. I was female at this time, and even if it was purely psychic, I've never felt it so complete. While not physical, it's easy to just being ourselves, and I pleasantly lost totally myself in it at this time. Two girls completing each other, it was so perfect, she was a teacher, a muse, a protector, it was a constant bath of light. Girls usually seek protection, but I seek the same, so I could not give it. But this time, I was receiving it. I suppose it was not possible to just live normally after that. I'm reconnecting to it, I need it to be a gentle light, I could not stand the star it was, and not now that I've no one to nourish it and love it like it was. Just saying, anxiety and my troubles were there too, paradise crossed hell but it was still paradise, and a pale hell being loved and protected so much while being 100% myself during 2 years. It was also easier because I had no responsibilities at this time, I was considered as unable to work. But what is important is that I became that girl. I still cannot believe I needed so much time to wake up to reconnect to it. So the Pandora box is opened. Memories are coming with the light, the femaleness, and in a flood of feelings and pain I'm hanging to this light, hoping that eventually only this female light will remain, and grow, and I will take anything, big or small from it. Anything I can live with like a gift. And I need this light right now. I could never curse this, I would like my body to be it, but being not doesn't remove my femaleness, I mean light can grow as long I'm alive, and it will always be within me. I just need to not ignore it and let it continue to enlighten me.

Sorry it was quite a digression from what I thought first to be a simple reply. I cry since a hour, I wonder if I will be cured of this loss one day. I can't regret this gift, but I can't take that I will never see her again. Don't feel bad Jeal, I'm sorry I just got carried away. I'll search for the book. It's a french place here, so it is not there in local libraries, but I'll look on the internet.

I don't forget you Rae, your suggestion is good. I think I'm still not completely accepting myself since I was just talking about being at home, and that I hesitate. But yes starting with light stuff is surely better. Better for others but it's surely also effective for being alone, at the first times. But I like to imagine myself laying on the bed in a simple setup reading a book and feeling me. You know I don't ask a lot. I would probably cry again but being happy this time. I would extend this time, move my legs, I wonder if I would be able to really read at all. Well the first time. I would have prefered with windows open, but my apartment have windows barely above ground. I would have loved living this while bathing in the sun. It's not impossible, there are apartments higher, maybe one day, they cost a bit more, I'm not far from broke for now. I would like to do it in nature too. Find a completely isolated spot, I already feel good in nature, it would be magic.

Thank you both for being there. Before I come here, there was no way to be seen as me from others, but here it's amazingly simple. We see each other as we are, there is no hiding, nothing complicated, no fear, no effort, just freedom. Talking about books, I wish I could find one to control dreams, and create more like the one I had. You know just to live the cis female form, it will always be what I want. I would go to bed early if it would work. I know, it doesn't replace life outside. But hate me or not, I would prefer often this blue pill. But on the other side, we all wonder what would be our life if we were cis females, and sometimes I think to all my issues, and I fear that I would not be able to pass through teen years alive as cis female. From what I know, they have much more social pressure, I mean my anxiety is horrible, maybe I'm born this way because I would have died otherwise as being cis. It's late and I'm drained so I'm going for now. I spoke so much about all this that I'll maybe have a nice dream. See you later.

I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry for the drama I put on and with all the off topic things. Also sorry if I shocked someone. I really value your help, your advice and the chance I have to be here. I will not miss to put any new success here and any of positive stuff that may pass. I'll concentrate on the good as I've always done in this thread. Summer is coming and I expect a lot of good to come. I may seem hesitant but I'm also very stubborn, I don't give up easily. I've done too much to stop now so don't worry for me. I'll certainly be voluble again when new good things will happen, to share the joy and hope.

So again, sorry for the darkside. As I said, I have happy moments, I still have hope, I may be looking going slow but I'm still going forward and I really enjoy the sharing and feedback. I would not assume myself if i would delete something, so please just look elsewhere for what you don't like.

Sometimes there's sunshine,  and sometimes there's rain.  Im happy to share both,  but i hope you get some sunshine this summer! 😁

Thank you Rae, I hope too. It's coming, finally, colors and life will appear again.

Today I'm in mood for more confessions.

I've seen from a long time this girl in me pass like a discreet small pink kite in the giant sky. I was not seeing it much, nor holding it. I knew it was there, I was seeing this like something weird, but at the same time something feeling so good could not be bad. I just kept it along, watching without touching. I've never watched myself, to see all the signs. I took this actor roles when we were playing, for bisexuality for feeling good even with no sexual response. I've envied girls all my life, protected them all the time, cursed boys for their ways to be and for feeling in a cage, forced in their societal model because I've the same body. I've never been like them. I just thought I was different.

Female charm was hitting my envy and if the girl had no good intentions while trying to charm me, her magic was cancelled. I was infuriated when they tried to control me with sexual ways. First because of their powers being used, theirs, that will never be mine and on top of that they were misused, and second because I was affirming myself to not be like those boys saying "yes" to anything upon sexual stimulation. Girls seeing me like those boys was like to say that I was 100% like them and I wanted to be recognized different at least for the good things. On the other side, with innoncence or pure intentions and no sexual approach, envy was transforming into joy to bathe in their female light. The only girls I hated were those misusing their powers, to deceive and control. The girls I desired the most, sexually and with love, were often those having no idea of their power but radiating one like a neutron star. For the one first time,I prefered far the non physical contact, when there is no sexual moves, when being near without touching but looking, warm and bright eyes, smiling, the magic with the scent and the smooth and slow moves, now I was charmed for real. Some girls were beautiful, but having no charm. It is something linked to love with only 2 compatible beings? Or a female inner power? Maybe both. I don't know, but it's worth exploring for both a cis girl and a trans girl. To never think we know everything, to try to go always further.

I had those conversations while I was angry, saying girls have everything, that 80% of clothing stores are for them, that boy clothes suck so much, that I can't find a way to find decent ones, that they must always throw a male image that I hate, that they are so limited in communication and creativity and colors. My friends were saying "relax, what's the point? You would like to wear female clothes?". The question was killing the speech, I had nothing else to add. It seems I was frustrated alone seeing the truth all around, but I guess all this was true only for me. No one else was caring for this.

I had very long hair for a while at this time, the feel of them laying around my head on a pillow, or them falling to the mid of my back and on my shoulders, was a powerful feeling of well-being. I was always comparing their sight as a physical extension of my soul. I was not really guessing that my soul was female. Nevertheless my feelings were this female power. I was still not seeing me all in one. I saw it like a part of me. But she was not another being, I was her. Having the chance to have long hair, I dared to try female styles, while I was alone and isolated from any windows. I was not liking this face, ruining them somehow. But using mirors and seeing them from the back and the sides, I felt the good again, the warm in my heart, I was seeing me from a total new way. And it was even more special because they were my own hair. The only hair on my body that I don't hate. I was feeling that I could have had that female life, I would have taken it gladly, excited with a jubilating enthusiasm. I had no idea what was going on really, just that it was good to imagine me as a girl and having another life. Living in femininity was so good and powerful, so intense. I also felt "you don't have the right. It's forbidden to you. You are not a girl, you can't" but for those minutes I just not cared.

I had a girlfriend, and during daily chats I said "You are lucky. Girls have everything. I would like to reincarnate in female. Being a male is losing in every way." She said raising her voice "Hey no! We must always be perfect, the makeup, the hair, the clothes, it's never over it's so much work! You are perfect as a boy." I decided to do an experiment with her. I decided to show her, her true female nature and power by cuting all the stylish moves. I said "the next morning, you will brush your hair just to detangle them and make them look natural. Then you will avoid any makeup, you will wear simple clothes, nothing fancy." This morning I explained to her how her natural beauty was stunning far enough to not need anything to beautify it. I've shown to her, her natural traits, her body, her cuteness, from feet to the head, all the reasons why I loved each centimeter. I explained that I was in love with her at her simple way to be, that I was stunned by her female natural charm, that she was already naturally perfect. That the girl she is, is first from inside, then this body in its simplest form. I wanted her to breath and feel it. I wanted her to feel how much she was affecting me. I was envying her, but at the same time I was happy for giving this gift to her: "Look at you, you are a treasure. Your body in this sun is a miracle. Your scent is marvelous, your spell on me is bound to you as the girl you are, not to what you wear or put on your skin" My eyes were genuine, if I could not be a girl, I would at least open her eyes to make her see her chance and power. To take them, make them her own. My mind was not so clear, but I know that it was going this way even not fully conscious: "I can't be like that. I'll never be a girl. So please don't be blind to your own miracle. Be at peace, you don't have to worry about your body and your heart, they are perfect." It was not possible to say. "Be a girl for us both, live it at maximum on your side, and I'll be happy to just be a boy while your light and your love are flooding me entirely." I also stated "never feel forced to pass hours to please me. While at home, just let you be, I love you deeply and you already have my heart." She felt the pressure of "being perfect", so those confessions have made her feel much more light. I had to convince her, but when it has been done, she started to slow down trying to be perfect. She loved the freedom I gave to her, the pressure I removed. I said "I'm sorry you felt this weight before, but now let it down, my mermaid already has all what she needs to seduce me, you do it all the time while doing common things at home. Your magic is 24/24, I desire you all the time. You are the most beautiful thing I see before to sleep and when I open my eyes in the morning."

I believe in natural beauty, but I'm not the kind to ignore clothes. I just want to precise it, I'm not hypocritical, I've even probably a kind of fetishism for some. I also asked my girlfriend sometimes to wear things for me. But it was gifts, I've never asked or forced an everyday setup, my asking were special demands. I love a lot of female clothes, and I know at the same time that some can be seen as male domination, something forced to wear for their pleasure. I protect girls but I'm not a feminist. I simply say, first recognize your natural beauty because it's where all begin. Second, don't force yourself to wear things that is not you or give you pain or make you uncomfortable especially if it's for others. For example, high heels hurt you? Or you don't like those? Don't wear any. I mean, it must be decided and done for ourselves, because anyway others may have different thoughts, there is no point trying to please everyone. And if some female clothes seems sexual or made to please males, just care about why you want them for yourself. Don't avoid clothes because of their symbol, don't let anything block you to do what you want for yourself. And now...I'll have to push myself to follow my own advices. Even as a boy I avoided some boyish clothes being afraid of judgement. But I still believe in what I said. And me too one day I'll have to dress the girl this time, at least try it or it will haunt me forever and just look like those dreams that cannot become real.

Late teen I watched japanese animes, starting by Sailor Moon. The girls were transforming before to fight. For those not familiar with it, it's kind of a long dance, emphasing female beauty and grace in artistic positions with a big mix of colors and light, where clothes are changed in a second in a nice music background that give it even more power. While outside laying on a bench, I've done this a lot of times: I got the same music, I closed my eyes and I impersonated in my mind those girls transforming, dancing and taking poses, replacing them with me, and their feelings be mine. While no people could ever guess a fragment of what was going on in my head, I was eyes closed smiling and the sun was warming my skin, adding a physical magical effect to what was happening. Those moves were making me feel so good, I thought I loved girls deeply in a way that no one could understand, that I was not understanding myself. I knew it was weird, but no one has to know, no one could understand anyway. It would stay my secret.

When I was with girls, aside the sexual appeal, I felt being much closer to "feeling natural" than with boys. Their presence was good, charm was mixed with peace. I was not envying boys for having girlfriends only for the common reasons, but I think I was envying them also for living so close to a girl's essence. Of course they were blind to it, and not caring about it, which was probably frustrating for me even more. For me being in a girl's bedroom was feeling like "it could be me, my room, my life". It was not a pain, it was a smooth thought, girly stuff always been for me soft and beautiful, doing good, being primary good. I know, everything is neutral in nature, but I do feel femaleness like an eternal peace, a warm blessing.

I was always romantic, I wanted girls to feel wonderful, satiated, flooded of respect and genuine love. Because that's when they shine the most, are the most happy, and they are then even more magnificient than ever before. I wanted to worship them, like the female spark in me that I wanted for them to explode, expend, bright so much for them, making them even more girly and beautiful. Their joy to be and feel girly even more because of me, was also my joy and my victory. That's why I have hope today, I think I could be happy living with a girl, lending her my female will and light indirectly, to create this tree of light and eat its fruit together day after day.

I've not wanted to be a trans girl. I rejected all this, I wanted to be cis female, that was my only wish. Anything else was too far from it, for me. Deciding to see me as trans would state forever that I'll never be a cis female. I know I will never be, but I've not wanted to set it on me with an official title. I still maintain what I said, my femaleness is not a curse but a wonderland. But some days, I see girls and the wonderland appears behind bars of a steel cage, where I will never belong. I've decided to slowly accept more the trans title, because I think I'm beginning to accept that being cis female is a dead-end. And it's only with more time with trans people that I started to feel possibilities. Reachable or not, I see new things that could change my life. After all it's obvious that living as a trans girl is the nearest way possible to be a cis girl. It's also because I stopped antidepressants, that were erasing most of my need to be female, most of everything in me in fact. It happened at the same time. So now this pink kite in the sky is still on a deserted beach out of public eyes, but now I have it in my hand, I recognize it to be mine, and I feel the good to see it fly and feel its physical presence when the wind blow through it. I will keep the rope in my hand, I'll never let it go and I'll try to make it fly and run with it.

I bought hair dye recently, and I think the cashier, a guy, not realized that it was hair dye and just seen the woman with pink flowers on the box, and said to me "It is not for you?". I said yes. He said "it was a joke". I said "hair dye doesn't have any gender you know, and this, is not a joke". He was embarrassed and started to try to save himself, and this is the only part I enjoyed. I've not transitioned and this kind of stupid "jokes" always remind me that it's one of the worst place to be "different". But I'm native from here and I'm not ready to move in a more "humanized" place.

Anyway summer is starting soon and I'm enjoying nature already. It was warm enough to remove my jacket and tie it at my waist, then I just thought that it may be the nearest of a skirt that I could wear in public here. I enjoyed to fake it and I realized how people don't care for a jacket but would fire for a skirt when physically, it's not so far. A bit like people to see swimwear completely different from underwear when the physical comparison is almost the same. Humans may be the most intelligent being but are also the most complicated and self restrained. People seem peaceful but it's as long as you don't break their rules. Rules that are far from threatening anyone, rules that oppress people in their personal way to be. They admit that everyone have the right to be him/herself but words are not much when it's the time to apply it in action.

But I feel good, it was more a note than a complaint.  I also got my first sunburn, it doesn't hurt but it's impressive for the first days of May! I think I'll need sunscreen +375 fps for July to see how it's going. Now at the opposite of what we say for Game of thrones: Summer is coming!

Jeal: I found the book you wanted me to read. I started it :)

QuoteIt was warm enough to remove my jacket and tie it at my waist, then I just thought that it may be the nearest of a skirt that I could wear in public here.

I have pretty same thoughts when tie my hoodie at waist ^_^ It is something, at least.