Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Girls often say, you can only be fully fulfilled or happy if you come out of the closet & go out in public fully dressed. So can you be fulfilled & happy staying indoors & CD in private. I think you can, I am in my early 60,s & have CD all my life in private, & am very happy & contented with this. I also think the risk factor of not being caught may also be part of it. Even in this day & age there are still some people out there who take offence at CD girls walking around in public, so that puts me off a little as well. So for the moment I will stay indoors [ now & then out in the garden] & CD in private. So I think you can be happy in the closet, as well as outside.

love,  Helenmarie

I am glad you are okay with your situation. This is a very individual thing. For me, I felt like I was in prison being confined to one or two rooms. I climbed on top of my roof one night, removed my coat, and was able to wear the clothes I wanted in freedom for an hour. I think I cried because I was driven to so much more, and at that time it seemed impossible. It wasn't. If it is good for you, be very thankful.
Moni

Good question. And I agree that it is a very individual thing. I am about your age, also in the closet, believe that it is unlikely I will come out due to marriage and family costs (she knows, but disapproves — we are DADT). I truly believe that I missed the window of opportunity for "happy," and I do not see happiness as a reasonable goal for resolving my gender dysphoria.

Instead, I try to accept that I have the life I have, and that my gender expression, like many other dreams, will never be fully realized. I try to fulfill pieces of it. But, really, I've given up the larger dream—which for me would be to have the freedom to shop for and dress daily in the clothing that I want, and to develop my feminine appearance and lifestyle. But, since I'm not willing to give up my marriage and access to my grandkids to do it, I know I will never have it and will never be truly happy (or truly unhappy, I guess). I think that it would be fair to say that I've "settled." A lot of things affect our lives—only some of them are our own choices. Nancy

Hi HelenMarie,

  I'm with Nancy.  A bit older though.  And I'm fairly comfortable in the closet most of the time (and have the chance to open its door and wander around a bit outside when I really want to.-- Humm.  We've got a couple of large dogs that live in a very large dog pen who also have the chance to go out and wander around a bit when they wish.  But then they happily go back inside the pen after they have.) 

  So I'm a "co-inhabitor" of this body.  And I don't really want to be the dominant entity.  Too much work to be in charge of everything, and he takes good care of me.  Its sort of like a successful marriage.

  But I have certainly seen the driven need to be free that others have expressed here at Susan's.  And I wish them well.  To find yourself trapped and unable to break free must be terrible.

  I do wonder though whether such individuals are the sole inhabitants of their bodies, or whether there is a male entity that is "non-dominant", although genetically assigned the defining body parts?   (Did I say that right?)  And what does that mean to the psychology of "transitioning"?

      Carolina

 



     

Well right now still in the closet to speak and so far the only places I might dress and go out are the local Hamburger Mary's in town or possibly a safe type place like a lgbt club with a few other girls I know in tow. Being the new girl and all.

Quote from: Carolina on October 16, 2018, 10:35:02 AMI'm a "co-inhabitor" of this body. 

I have seen you mention this in several of your posts, Carolina, but am not sure whether you are saying this euphemistically or you are the female alter of a dissociative system. I am a cisgender male survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse and developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) to cope with the trauma. My female alter, Flytrap, keeps up a thread which has become the "home" for forum members with DID who have opposite gender alters and those with dissociative conditions who need to express themself as another gender at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218553.msg1934547.html#msg1934547

You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804

Marie,

Being socially active was the only way for me, but you have to be comfortable, so there is nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires and remaining in the closet.  It's your choice and yours alone.  Remember, staying in the safety of the closet doesn't make you any less of a person either.  What is really important is that you be true to yourself.

Hugs,

Sally

Yes, there are some that say that you cannot be happy if you don't come out, or if you don't fully transition, or if you....yes there are a lot of folks in our community that try to define what is needed for others. But it is you that need to be comfortable with where you are in life. I had originally hoped that I could stay hidden and just know myself in private ways, closeted. But that didn't work and my partner and I created our own journey to find where we are happy. I will suggest that if you can find comfort and happiness in the closet, then that is the way for you to go. The fewer changes you can make that offers you contentment the better off you will be. Please keep in mind that as you begin to make changes they tend to accelerate and many find it difficult to control. I know a few transgender women that are able to live satisfied lives closeted and I know many that needed to get out of the closet. Each are different, enjoy YOUR journey.

Tia Anne

Yes, there are plenty of people that "assume that everyone is like me."  Even CDs and Trangenders, even though they aren't like 99% of the people in the community that they live, work and play in.  :o

To answer the main question asked. I can/could do most of the same things. Then again I've accepted that I will not pass even when things are complete with HRT. I will be androgynous. So be it.

I am happier on HRT, but it does not fix the problems in my life.

Everyone is different.  Some need to be out, free and openly expressing their gender, anywhere, at all times.  Others can be happy while being "in the closet."

Stepping back to a more philosophical argument, I think we each need to be content with what we have, and if we get in a better situation, to be grateful.  I am for sure not saying that we need to be content with any evil we have to face, not at all.  But I do think that many people seem to be unhappy until they get what they want (not what they need), then after they get it, they simply find something else they want (not need), and yet again feel unhappy. 

A direct answer to your question is yes, contentment is possible for some staying in the closet, but I understand this situation may not be ideal for you or another particular person.  There is much pleasure in being able to be yourself, out in the open.  It is liberating.

There is nothing wrong with good aspirations and doing what is in your control to achieve them.  There are a lot of people that concern themeselves too much with things in their personal lives that really are not in their control, they even worry and become very unhappy.  I advise them to think of others more, as it really helps when you help others, as this takes the focus away from ourselves, at least for awhile.

So in the meantime, if your limit requires you "staying in the closet," make the most of that.
Perhaps someday you will have greater freedom and will be able to do more.  Enjoy what you can do.  Make the most of what you can do and experience.

Chrissy

In my case, I was initially in the closet for a very short period, probably less than 1 month. At the first, I wore looking androgynous, but later I sometimes wore skirts. At my work places, I mostly wore jeans with long hair. But during the past 5 years, I mostly wore skirts or dresses.

Dressing in the closet may be more related with sexuality. Expressing my femininity in public is entertaining and sometimes thrilling, but it also can be driven by sexuality in some degree. This is the same for most cis-women.

Strangers treat me as a woman. My friends, colleagues and acquaintances know very well who I am. Some of them treat me as a woman.

I know that I can not be a cis-woman. Transgender woman can be better than cis-woman in patriarchal societies. Sometimes I can take only advantages from both genders.

barbie~~

"Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet?"  That depends who "you" is referring to.

Can people in general be happy in the closet?  Apparently so.  Many are.
Can you, helenmarie, be happy in the closet?  You say you are, and I believe you.

Can I be happy in the closet?  No, I can't.  I knew starting this that the reason I was doing it was to escape from the need to hide who I am.  I am never going back in the closet, and I cannot be 'stealth', for the same reason.  That in-between phase, where I was part-time, was very hard on me emotionally.  It got harder and harder to go back into male mode.  I am much happier being out and proud.

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 04, 2018, 11:20:15 AM
"Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet?"  That depends who "you" is referring to.

Can people in general be happy in the closet?  Apparently so.  Many are.
Can you, helenmarie, be happy in the closet?  You say you are, and I believe you.

Can I be happy in the closet?  No, I can't.  I knew starting this that the reason I was doing it was to escape from the need to hide who I am.  I am never going back in the closet, and I cannot be 'stealth', for the same reason.  That in-between phase, where I was part-time, was very hard on me emotionally.  It got harder and harder to go back into male mode.  I am much happier being out and proud.

Kathy Lauren,

That was very well said.

Chrissy

Slowly catching up...  For myself, I have found that I need to get out in public, although I am still shy and tend to do it on trails as a hiker or runner, on my bicycle, or at LGBT-friendly places. At the moment I am CD'd at home by myself, and it's just not very satisfying to me. But too much work (and too cold!) to go out this morning...

As many others said, we all have different paths, and all are Ok. Whatever works...

My very first outing was about three years ago to a Burlington noon time on a Saturday. I inspected my look very well before leaving home and said, "I can do this". So, off I went very nervous. I just walked in like I owned the place and took deep breaths and calmed down. I went over to the shoe section and tried on several heels when a young girl asked me, "ma'am, do you like these boots." I said, "yes, very much" in the most feminine voice I could muster up as I have never practiced my voice. The young girl never indicated that she thought I was anything other than an older woman. I was elated by this so I walked all the way through Burlington and into the mall where a Payless was nearby. I went in and was greeted by the sales lady saying that today was some sort of a sale day and for me to let her know if I needed any help. I think I tried on every style of shoe in the store! Not wanting to press my luck venturing through the mall, I went back into Burlington and shopped in the ladies wear for a long time. I then went home and savored the memory of my first outing. SO, I feel that I really need to be out, not in the closet. I have been out many times since then and every time is just an awesome feeling. I don't know if I have have been read but I don't care, I am being me!

Why not? Some things require very small steps. Today, November 11, 2018, I went an purchased my very first pants and tops. They're not overtly feminine, not worth a second glance, but it's a start. Tomorrow I'm wearing a set to go out and buy more. Truth is I want to go out in public without attracting too much attention. I have, whats been described as a very interesting beard, and a well developed mustache. For some reason I loathe to give them up. But I love wearing clothes from the women's side of the aisle, so I do what I can to fulfill that wish.

Quote from: Denice on November 11, 2018, 07:22:02 PM
Truth is I want to go out in public without attracting too much attention. I have, whats been described as a very interesting beard, and a well developed mustache. For some reason I loathe to give them up. But I love wearing clothes from the women's side of the aisle, so I do what I can to fulfill that wish.

It can take a lot of work to develop nice looking facial hair, so I'm not surprised at your reluctance.

Where I live a winter scarf that covered your face would not look out of place, especially on a windy day.

I love to wear body hugging winter coats.

Quote from: Maid Marion on November 13, 2018, 06:53:33 PM
Where I live a winter scarf that covered your face would not look out of place, especially on a windy day.

I love to wear body hugging winter coats.

I have no idea what you mean  ;D ;D

You can be happy staying in the closet...if you have someone in there with you  ;) ;D
I'm just trying to keep the mood light, not trying to be an ass. This is a very painful subject for me at least and I assume for everyone.
Thanks for posting it.

the thought of going out into the world is a worrisome one for me.
perhaps one day I will be ok with going public but for now prefer to remain a private dresser and I feel happy with that for now...

I spent many years in the closet and it worked for me. The urge to go out kept getting stronger and stronger for me so I took the ball and ran with it. I'm happy I did as I feel really go out in public dressed but that's me now.

If you're fine staying in the closet there's nothing wrong with it. At least you're getting a chance to feel what it's like to me more feminine.

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I think so and people should be happy. Happy in the closet, happy out of the closet, everybody is different, living different lives with different people. What works for one person may not work for another. Myself, right now I am happy out in the open being androgynous, partly male, partly female, gender non conformists who is most happy just being myself.

It is a very individual thing, but I am finding it hard to stay closeted.  We are social beings, and essentially hiding such an important part of your core self from the world runs counter to our nature.  It makes it difficult to feel truly accepted.I think of that old motivational poster about boats being safe in the harbor, but that's not what boats are for.  Along those lines, you don't need cute shoes just to walk around the house.

I've often gone to company dinners and outings and ate with the known gays and lesbians.  Never had any issues socializing with them.

To update my response from last November 10th, I'm now more Ok in public places. I've also evolved more into an androgynous and non-binary presentation. I haven't worn makeup in over a month, yet I wear femme shirts, hats and pants publicly. I went grocery shopping in a very busy store that way today. No problems and I liked the way I felt out where I was visible. As @randim said, we are social beings and it feels good to be with others.

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Quote from: RandyL on May 18, 2019, 11:38:56 PM
To update my response from last November 10th, I'm now more Ok in public places. I've also evolved more into an androgynous and non-binary presentation. I haven't worn makeup in over a month, yet I wear femme shirts, hats and pants publicly. I went grocery shopping in a very busy store that way today. No problems and I liked the way I felt out where I was visible. As @randim said, we are social beings and it feels good to be with others.

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Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad you felt good. I do the same thing sometimes if I don't have time to get dolled up.

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There are many risk to benefit factors that come into play. One big obvious one is your physical safety.

Most therapists and even doctors would suggest the very minimum of transition or treatment to satisfy or overcome the symptoms of each individual. Some can be perfectly happy dressing in private. Some need hormones, others need to fill transition and be passable. It is different for everyone based on the level and severity of their symptoms.

Yes, you can. But if you leave the closet you may find a wonderful world of experiences.
Not everything has been rosey after I left the closet but I am happy.

Chrissy

Hi Everyone

Closet?  No, I was never in the closet figuratively or literally.  Well I was isolated and naive about the world and I did not really know what the word closet meant in that sense.  Yes, I did get dressed completely as a female and just before I started to change my life around, I was wearing more feminine clothing underneath my daily work clothes.

I never saw that what I was doing at the time, that there was anything wrong with what I was doing.  What I was doing just felt right, although I knew in a sense, that cross dressing was basically a no no at the time.

Which leads to the point, why was I not coming "out of the closet" in your terms?  I keep saying and I will keep saying it, I'm a private, quite, shy person and not saying anything about my 'medical condition', ensured that I was always safe, even when I did change my life around, I never said anything, because my safety was paramount.

I may have been naive about what I was doing.  However, my instincts on being quite, was innate inside me and hence why I have never had any troubles in how I have lived my life.  If you really want to say; "I'm in the closet" then I'm still in the closet and I'm not happy, but extremely happy.

As I have mentioned in some of "Sarah B's Story", one particular Christmas, it was between Dec 1987 and Jan 1988, that there was a fundamental shift in the way my life was going.  During my travels at that time, which was about a week.  Sarah was living her life as much as possible during that time.  Was she conscious of what she was doing?  No, she was just living day to day.  She was on holidays for the first time in her life, what a way to start one's new life, anew!

I will also keep on saying I never 'transitioned', in Feb 1989, I just changed my clothes and Sarah continued living her life.  She was never in a closet so to speak, she was never restricted in what she has done with her life, she has had a wonderful life so far and she has never regretted anything in what she has done.

To you, did I come out of the closet?  No, I'm still there!

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

For some, it is possible to find happiness. Everyone transitions to their own satisfaction. Some may need the full treatment with surgery. Others might be content with underdressing. There is no right or wrong.

For me, I need the full treatment, but I am quickly realizing that I may never achieve that. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, but my goal is to be happiest.

Yes you can be just as happy in private.  I have dressed out in public a few years ago but now content to be behind closed doors.

Quote from: Sarah B on May 25, 2024, 12:28:29 AMHi Everyone

Closet?  No, I was never in the closet figuratively or literally.  Well I was isolated and naive about the world and I did not really know what the word closet meant in that sense.  Yes, I did get dressed completely as a female and just before I started to change my life around, I was wearing more feminine clothing underneath my daily work clothes...because my safety was paramount...just living day to day.  I will also keep on saying I never 'transitioned', in Feb 1989, I just changed my clothes and Sarah continued living her life.  She was never in a closet so to speak, she was never restricted in what she has done with her life, she has had a wonderful life so far and she has never regretted anything in what she has done.

To you, did I come out of the closet?  No, I'm still there!

Even more so, now.  I wear what I wear, and act how I act.  Just because I'm not confrontational you might say I'm closeted, but one look at me and you wouldn't ever take me for a specific gender.  That in itself frightens some inexperienced folks.  That's where the danger comes in.