Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just want to remind everyone to make sure that you have a Will or / and have a legal document to ensure that you are treated according to your wishes when you die.

I know you may not care and that is fine - it is your call.

I had a friend whose funeral was today. She had been a leading member of the TG community and had lived openly, happily and was accepted as herself for many years. Her funeral  was conducted as if she was a 'man' - she did not leave any directions and her family took over.

That is their right and I have no qualms about it.

I do not think it would have been her wish.

Oh Cindy I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure she'll be greatly missed. You're offering some great advice through this tragedy though. We all definitely need to make sure our final wishes are known by the people who will be handling our funerals.

Lexxi
xoxo

I've thought about it, nothing written up. I'll be gone yet I'll want to be remembered as me. I'm not worldly so it'll be immediate family. In my mind, the whole arrangement is really for them. Still, I want to be me. Rather than one or the other I think a memorial covering both sides of my life are called for. Whatever they burn me in can be androgynous, I mean, it's going to get charcoal'd anyways :P  ... makeup to make you look not quite so dead, well, I don't use much now.

Some of it boils down now to when it happens, now .. 5 yrs .. 10 yrs .. who am I when it happens? If it were to happen now, well, I look like a guy anyways so no amount of makeup will change that. An obit recognizing both stages of my life works for me.

I told her to just bury me in the back yard. I'll be dead, what difference does it make (yeah, I know .. those stupid laws)

Cindy, it is always hard to lose a friend, and to know she was not honoured correctly adds to that loss. You have my sympathy also. It is important to make arrangements for things that are important too you, and your advice is appreciated. For myself, I don't believe in an afterlife, so I won't be aware of what happens to me. My concerns would be primarily for my family. If it lessened their loss to misgender me at my funeral, I would be ok with it. We are all different, but you are absolutely right to remind us we need to look after this aspect of our life.

Oh, and I would add that if this is important to you, your age shouldn't matter as to when you make a will.

Allie

that's heartbreaking.

I always think of that scene in the Sandman comics where the transwoman dies saving her friends and her family cut her hair short and dress her in a suit and bury her with her dead name and her friend goes and writes her real name on the stone in her favourite shade of lipstick.
It's a beautiful poignent and profoundly heartbreaking segment.

Honestly my only demand for my own funeral is mariachis. I DEMAND mariachis.
Because i'm ridiculous like that.
Also it's hard to cry when there's mariachis. <_<

I kinda consider this body a husk anyway, once i've vacated it they're gonna harvest it for organs anyway.

But respect is important and seriously i'm gonna haunt anyone who disrespects me at my own funeral. I'll go full poltergeist on their asses.
Don't screw with a witch's final rest hah.

Ultimately I would want my family to celebrate ME and my life, not just edit out the bits they didn't "approve of" or "like" and try to turn me into someone i'm not. You either love and respect ALL of me or you get out.
Not respecting my gender identity would be denying a part of me.
How can you really lay someone to rest when you're ignoring how they lived a large chunk of their life?

Husband jokes about a viking burial to screw with future archaeologists hahah.

I'm not sure what I want my headstone to read to be honest. I mean i'd have to acknowledge the two phases of my life. I AM a mother, but I am also a husband, a wife, a sister and a brother, a son AND a daughter. At various points in my life i've been all those things. It's a rather interesting situation to be in really. It'd feel wierd to no acknowledge all those things. But that makes for a complicated tombstone lol.
Though in a way, part of me rather LIKES the idea of confusing people by listing "beloved son and daughter, mother and husband" or something hahah.

I don't consider my life before transition to be wasted or anything, it was my larval stage. A neccisary process in my development. I'll always have those caterpillar years but at the same time I would hate for people to forget my butterfly stage.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And i'm sad that your friend's family couldn't accept her final form and clipped her wings.

Cindy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and sad that her family disrespected her. 

I am sorry for the loss of your friend Cindy. Your post is a reminder of something that I took care of years ago, when I changed my legal status / name. I have a living will and final directions, the lawyer that helped me put very specific language in my final requests as to how to be treated and recognized as my true self, also how to deal with my remains and who gets what.

Good topic here, estate planning is very important, including identity protections / recognitions.

Cynthia -

My regrets for you, and having to see your friend discounted. Even for cis gender transphobes, that is taking "Dead Naming" a bit too far I believe. She is at peace, and free from being effected by hate at this point. Obviously her family is not, and they will live with that hate possibly the rest of their lives. Maybe guilt will set in and one of the family members will replace the headstone with her real name :)

Hugs,

Ricki

I plan on being cremated, or possibly having my body made into 4 small gems: one for each child.

Quote from: F_P_M on May 29, 2019, 06:31:43 AM
I always think of that scene in the Sandman comics where the transwoman dies saving her friends and her family cut her hair short and dress her in a suit and bury her with her dead name and her friend goes and writes her real name on the stone in her favorite shade of lipstick.
It's a beautiful poignant and profoundly heartbreaking segment.

I just had to look this up. If anyone else wants a good cry, check about 1/4 of the way down on this page:
https://www.themarysue.com/trans-characters-in-comics/


Ricki

I've thought about this. When its my time I want to be cremated and ashes buried under a tree. The plaque will read "Father to... and Wife of... SHE lived her life as without hiding." If that upsets my immediate family they can go jump in a lake.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, Cindy.  Very good advice.

The same thing happened to a friend of mine about 20 years ago.  While they were separated, she and her wife had never divorced and when my friend was murdered, her wife came in and took over the funeral arrangements from their children.  Her wife had her buried in her (men's) Navy uniform with her male name on the grave.

Right? Maybe legally. Morally, no. It happens here in the states. Of course your advice is very good. I had a friend that passed away unexpectedly around Christmas. One of those fit types you'd never think would keel over. He lived with his girlfriend for 10 years, but had no will. His parents laid claim to his house and sold it giving the proceeds to his ne'er do well brothers. My question is, since wills are usually processed after burial, how would wishes in them be respected in terms of burial?


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Quote from: F_P_M on May 29, 2019, 06:31:43 AM
that's heartbreaking.

I always think of that scene in the Sandman comics where the transwoman dies saving her friends and her family cut her hair short and dress her in a suit and bury her with her dead name and her friend goes and writes her real name on the stone in her favourite shade of lipstick.
It's a beautiful poignent and profoundly heartbreaking segment.

Honestly my only demand for my own funeral is mariachis. I DEMAND mariachis.
Because i'm ridiculous like that.
Also it's hard to cry when there's mariachis. <_<

I kinda consider this body a husk anyway, once i've vacated it they're gonna harvest it for organs anyway.

But respect is important and seriously i'm gonna haunt anyone who disrespects me at my own funeral. I'll go full poltergeist on their asses.
Don't screw with a witch's final rest hah.

Ultimately I would want my family to celebrate ME and my life, not just edit out the bits they didn't "approve of" or "like" and try to turn me into someone i'm not. You either love and respect ALL of me or you get out.
Not respecting my gender identity would be denying a part of me.
How can you really lay someone to rest when you're ignoring how they lived a large chunk of their life?

Husband jokes about a viking burial to screw with future archaeologists hahah.

I'm not sure what I want my headstone to read to be honest. I mean i'd have to acknowledge the two phases of my life. I AM a mother, but I am also a husband, a wife, a sister and a brother, a son AND a daughter. At various points in my life i've been all those things. It's a rather interesting situation to be in really. It'd feel wierd to no acknowledge all those things. But that makes for a complicated tombstone lol.
Though in a way, part of me rather LIKES the idea of confusing people by listing "beloved son and daughter, mother and husband" or something hahah.

I don't consider my life before transition to be wasted or anything, it was my larval stage. A neccisary process in my development. I'll always have those caterpillar years but at the same time I would hate for people to forget my butterfly stage.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And i'm sad that your friend's family couldn't accept her final form and clipped her wings.

My first choice would be to be sent into orbit facing outward, but being buried face down will do.


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Quote from: Gertrude on May 29, 2019, 03:03:54 PM
Right?  My question is, since wills are usually processed after burial, how would wishes in them be respected in terms of burial?

First to Cindy,  I am so sorry this happened to your friend, and so sorry for your loss. 


I imagine if you speak to a lawyer who does your will, they will have that answer.  I read in the news years ago where this happened.  The father even had Breast Augmentation removed for funeral, hair cut, etc.  Person did not look like themselves at all.  I am a firm believer in having a LEGAL will made by a lawyer in your state.  Many do a home written type and find out it isn't worth the paper it is written on.  Some have friends or family who are in the will sign them as witnesses which is not legal in some states.  Then the state assigns an executor, they decide everything else.  If you have a will made up, and give it to a trustworthy executor, they would have the written instructions and have it signed to enforce it.  Family be darned, a legal signed document should do the job.  Maybe even have a separate one that is just burial instructions so there is no need to discuss asset distribution at that point in the grieving process.  I imagine also having a prepaid plot with a head stone already engraved would help too. 

Quote from: Ricki Wright on May 29, 2019, 10:35:45 AM
I just had to look this up. If anyone else wants a good cry, check about 1/4 of the way down on this page:
https://www.themarysue.com/trans-characters-in-comics/


Ricki

Thessaly I never liked as a character and I think that moment where she tells Wanda she can't come because she's "not a woman" is precisely why. It painted her as the exclusionist B*** she is.

it's interesting because I took an IMMEDIATE and intense dislike to that character based solely on how she treated Wanda. And this was loooong before I really knew much about trans stuff. But ooo I still dislike Thessaly.

But the story, it's so heartbreaking that stuff is STILL happening. That comic was written in 1989!

On a related note, looks like we got a bunch of gravestones to correct.
Who's got a chisel?

Quote from: Gertrude on May 29, 2019, 03:03:54 PM
He lived with his girlfriend for 10 years, but had no will. His parents laid claim to his house and sold it giving the proceeds to his ne'er do well brothers. My question is, since wills are usually processed after burial, how would wishes in them be respected in terms of burial?

Live in partners don't get anything, except in NH. Unless you count headaches from the relatives.
If I had one I'd designate her as a beneficiary to my retirement accounts.

Hated exes have gotten retirement accounts because they were never taken off the beneficiary list.  ::)

Cindy, I am sorry for your loss.

I have an agreement with my ex and daughter to be cremated an put into the ocean. No viewing or newspaper announcement. Maybe I should somehow get it in writing. I have legal representation for a will as a benefit from work. I think I will give them a call.

Quote from: F_P_M on May 29, 2019, 06:31:43 AM

Honestly my only demand for my own funeral is mariachis. I DEMAND mariachis.
Because i'm ridiculous like that.
Also it's hard to cry when there's mariachis. <_<

F_P_M,

You sound a lot like me. A few years ago I contacted the funeral home who will be handling my remains after I depart this large rock, and asked if it was possible to have a smile on my face and my eyes open when they prepared my body for viewing...he said yes, but the smiles don't always come out looking natural. Apparently I wasn't the first "customer" to request something like that. But that's the way I want it. I've lived my life with a great big smile on my face, even when I had nothing to smile about, and that's the way I want to go out too.

xoxo
Lexxi

I heard of the ultimate way to ensure your wishes are carried out. We have a shooting range that pretty good sized and was once a part of a ranch. The man who owned it wanted to make sure it always remained a shooting range. He passed it to the state to manage but there was a risk that at some point the state could decide to develop it and put houses on the land. To protect against this, the will stated should they attempt to develop the property, the land will be returned to the family.

If it cost to go against your wishes, it's a pretty sure thing your wishes will be followed.

I have arranged my funeral and quite enjoyed doing it. People can get morbid about such things but as a cancer thriver I thought that it was sensible to make sure it was all in place. It is a lot easier to do this sort of stuff when you are well and happy and not when the family is under stress and they end up paying a bucket of money for .....

I found a place that does cheap and nice funerals, covers the basics needed by law, doesn't waste a heap of resources and my ashes will scattered over the grape vines in the Barossa Valley - that will be a good vintage year!

I got the lot for just under $4000. I asked to see the ' chapel' where the small service - Here lies Cindy and we will say a few words and then goodbye -  and I explained that the next time I was here that I wouldn't be looking around. The funeral guy had a laugh and said that I was remarkably well balanced.

I made two stipulations. Firstly: My wife does not have to identify my corpse, her request and it would be too much for her, and we made standard legal arrangements for that. Seemingly it is an issue for many and can be avoided by thinking ahead.
Secondly: That I had a stake driven through my heart to stop me rising again as a vampire. The Funeral Director said - 'You won't believe how many people ask for that and the answer is No. I said that I was only joking and he said I know but some people are serious.

Oh and I won't be there. Funerals are for the living not for the dead.

Quote from: Cindy on May 29, 2019, 04:22:03 AM
I just want to remind everyone to make sure that you have a Will or / and have a legal document to ensure that you are treated according to your wishes when you die.

I know you may not care and that is fine - it is your call.

I had a friend whose funeral was today. She had been a leading member of the TG community and had lived openly, happily and was accepted as herself for many years. Her funeral  was conducted as if she was a 'man' - she did not leave any directions and her family took over.

That is their right and I have no qualms about it.

I do not think it would have been her wish.

Hello again Cindy

My sympathies to you as I am very sorry to hear both of your loss and also of the inconsiderate way your friend's family handled her funeral. So sad that these people are more concerned with the "family's reputation".

Thank you also for your advice in terms of making a Will/legal document.

Hugs

Pamela

Aww Lexxi. I doubt i'd have an open casket because I fully intend to donate every single bit of me they can use.
Whatever isn't totally broken beyond repair, whip it on out and donate it.

But it's like, I don't want people being too sad. I want them to remember my life. And because i'm a ridiculous person that means mariachis, and maybe a donkey.
I remember this funeral I attended as a kid for my neighbour and it was super sad until this donkey in a nearby field started braying over the priest and nobody, NOBODY could help but smile at the interuption. There was just this donkey like looking over the fence at us all happy.
It honestly really helped the mood and I think the departed would have found it funny too.

but I DO need to sort out a will. I've never really bothered because I don't really have anything to pass on. I have no assets or anything but there is a concern about legal matters if I change my name regarding my kid's birth certificates. I don't actually know how that all works.

Husband has been told to sell my dolls, he could probably get a tidy sum for doing so. But he said he doesn't want to because they're such a big reminder of ME.

I think I want to be burried with my wedding ring though. It's not actually worth anything (it's semi precious stones because I like them) but it's MINE and I have nobody to hand it down to who'd really appreciate or wear it. May as well keep it with me. And you know, good luck getting it off my fat swollen fingers anyway hah.

We have verbal arrangements in place but nothing set in law. If both my husband and I were to pass on then it'd fall to our family to argue over who took our kids. My mother probably would, I can't see the inlaws stepping up to the plate.

Ultimately though, without any assets wills have always felt unneccisary. I suppose i'm fortunate in that I actually trust my family to respect my verbal wishes. That may change as time goes by though.

I may have to put in something about what happens to my alter though. It feels wrong to allow my family to just throw my wand and stuff into a skip. I mean it has no monitary value and there's no way they could sell that stuff but at the same time, you can't throw a wand and offering bowl and stuff into a skip!
I think i'd like to hand my tarot cards down though, I just don't know WHO would want them. I'm the only neopagan in my family and I admit, i'd like them to continue to be used. they've served me well over the years.
Maybe I should demand they bury me with my alter equipment lol. At the very least bury me with my crappy wand. Lol.
It'll screw with anyone who ever tries to dig me up for sure.
I can go all archaelogical and demand I get grave goods.

As I don't have a family, it hasn't been a priority for me, however, I do wish to respect the Earth, and this post has given me something to think about.  I would want whomever is reading my life story, to read MY story, not some pieced together gibberish.  Being a writer, I'd probably craft something that's stimulating to the imagination, as that's my favorite asset.  I not only want the tree planted with my ashes to be a reminder of my life-force here upon the earth, but my last story to be remembered in a fun way as well... something with comedy, to ease the pain of my passing to whomever may be left in my life.