Susan's Place Transgender Resources

« on: June 18, 2020, 07:57:17 am »
Life is a journey of exploration and learning. We are all trying to answer the universal question 'why are we here?' Very few people get to experience life from more than one point of view, so in a way we are lucky. I would not wish to be transgender, nor would I wish it upon someone else, it is simply who I am.

This is a difficult time for many of us, and not just because we are transgender. For those who have made it past all of the trials and tribulations of transition, ask yourself 'am I happy?' If the answer is 'no', then your journey to seek happiness will continue. If the answer is 'yes', then you probably realize that if your life had been different in any way there is no way to know if you would ever have found happiness.

In many ways I am not the person I used to be, but the experiences from my previous life helped me become the person I am today, and I like who I have become. The key to my happiness was finally accepting who I am and allowing myself to become that person. So, despite all of the things I have been through, I would not wish my life to have been any different. I'm happy being me.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Those who know me also know that I am an unwilling participant in this transgender journey. I worked out at an early early age that I had a condition I could not rid myself of, and it was negatively affecting my life. I managed to suppress it for most of my life, and make a good life as a male, but being trans cost me dearly. It made my life in the trucking industry unbearable, and I had to walk away from a lucrative business. It cost me 2 marriages, including losing the love of my life.

I resisted transition until dysphoria had destroyed my health, and the resultant stress was the main factor in my heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. Though I live comfortably as a woman, I do not pass. Being trans has cost me so much, and nearly my life, and I dare not think about how my life would have been if I wasn't trans. I am comfortable, but not happy with my new life, and admit, I do yearn for the life I lost.

Hugs,

Allie

Do you ever wish you weren't trans?

Not at all. Never. I love who I am, and transgender is a part of that. Discovering that I was transgender has been the best learning experience of my life. That knowledge has enriched me in profound ways, and given me the ability to understand other people that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I wouldn't give up being transgender for anything.

Hugs, Devlyn

As written before, TG is part of me and therefore also part of who I become, with both benefits and struggles. Whithout it I would not have met the love of my life😘.

Otherwise I will never know what I become if I was no TG. For me it is not interesting as it is not the case now. And that also counts for other things in my life, as having health issues in youth or dying of my father during my youth. Or born later with more info and modern techniques for TG. They are all part of my life and made me who I am now!

I am not sure if I would want not to have these transgender feelings at all. Yes, it would certainly be convenient and would eliminate a lot of issues I am facing, but these feelings are part of me too and that would leave a void. Like having had a lobotomy. I don't want that. Maybe I am weird for thinking this way...

What I do wish is being a fully transitioned and fully integrated beautiful woman.

That's basically asking if I wished I weren't me. To that I can only answer... no, I don't ever wish that. But not primarily because of me. Being who I am has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing, incredible, courageous, selfless, kindest people I have ever met in my life.

And to go down that road is to kind of say... would you give all that up? No. Not ever.

As my 5 year old signature states: Nature does nothing in vain. I firmly believe that. Everything happens for a reason. Even if that reason isn't immediately apparent.

Quote from: Devlyn on January 03, 2024, 04:25:52 AMDo you ever wish you weren't trans?

Not at all. Never. I love who I am, and transgender is a part of that. Discovering that I was transgender has been the best learning experience of my life. That knowledge has enriched me in profound ways, and given me the ability to understand other people that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I wouldn't give up being transgender for anything.

Hugs, Devlyn

Summed up perfectly!

I guess the answer to this is yes, because all I really want is to be female. I should never been anything but female. Being trans is the state of becoming what I really want, not the state I want to be.

Hugs
Jessica xxx

No! I love who I am. However, I do wish I was born female. I believe everything would have been right from the very beginning. But it is what it is, and I couldn't be happier.

Hugs!
Donica

Not at all but glad I waited as have 3 wonderful kids that I wouldn't swop for anything, living my best life now.

Absolutely Not, not now and certainly not ever.  Ever since my epiphany, I have realized that I have always been a female and I always will be period.  Regardless of what happened before that moment in time or to put it another way, ever since I was born, I have always been me, regardless of whatever I did.  No ifs and no buts.

I have always done what I wanted to do before and after that brief moment in time and that makes me who I am, to even consider, "that I wish I was not trans", would in essence not make me who I am today.  I love who I am, warts and all.

I would never seek any treatment whatsoever that would change me into the opposite sex (what I was before), in other words, the only treatment I would seek would be to change my chromosomes and to be able to bear children.

Unfortunately with the technology that we have at present, that is not even remotely possible and hence I will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life, which makes me sad and yes, that situation sucks badly.

I'm not 'trans' anything never have been and never will be and the constant scenarios that are created, lets put it this way, it 'triggers' me (maybe a little over reacting, but you get the drift) or in other words annoys the hell out of me.  I'm coming about this topic from my perspective only, what you see written down here is the essence or the core of my being.

Lets be brutally honest here.  The only 'trans' word that I will ever use and that is 'Transsexual'.  I use this word because it basically comes from the Harry Benjamin scale and I identify with this scale strongly.  I will only use the word 'Transsexual' only in a medical situation and then, only when the physician knows about my condition, so in essence the word 'Transsexual' will only be used rarely on my part, if that.

The other 'trans' word that is used is 'transition'.  I never ever transitioned or even considered that I transitioned, why?  Because I have always been female.  So around the time of my epiphany all I did was, I changed my clothing style, I put on a little makeup and I sought some medical treatment for me and hay presto, I was still me, a female.

Just to let you know, the above thoughts are just about me, being honest about this issue and I hope that those who read it will understand where I'm coming from or in other words.  This is just me and only just me.

Love to one and all
Sarah B
PS  Just a clarification, after rereading this post several times and to make it abundantly clear.  I'm Not and I will never be 'Trans' anything.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2024, 03:12:05 PMThat's basically asking if I wished I weren't me. To that I can only answer... no, I don't ever wish that. But not primarily because of me. Being who I am has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing, incredible, courageous, selfless, kindest people I have ever met in my life.

And to go down that road is to kind of say... would you give all that up? No. Not ever.

As my 5 year old signature states: Nature does nothing in vain. I firmly believe that. Everything happens for a reason. Even if that reason isn't immediately apparent.

Totally agree. I wouldn't be me without being who I am. Those life experiences that have occurred as a result of made me a better person. Hugs
Mariah

I certainly fought it for a while, before I finally realized I was trying to push back the ocean and started making peace with it.

The "fight" was about guilt as much as anything.

Even now, early in my transition, I can recognize how much easier my life would be if I were not trans. But the thing is, I honestly don't spend a single moment any more thinking on the "what if?" question. Mostly because I feel like it's asking "what if the sky wasn't blue?" -- it's a question whose answer serves absolutely no purpose and in therefore not worthy of my time and consideration.

Unpopular opinion perhaps, but yes I wish I wasn't trans. All the time.

I hate this complication that's been dropped on me.  I love 90% of my life otherwise but this thing just won't go away. I'd love nothing more than to wake up and not have the constant buzzing in my head.

I just want to be happy and secure with who I am, no matter what.  My therapist has her work cut out for her.

Quote from: ClaireBlooming on January 10, 2024, 11:03:16 AMUnpopular opinion perhaps, but yes I wish I wasn't trans. All the time.

I hate this complication that's been dropped on me.  I love 90% of my life otherwise but this thing just won't go away. I'd love nothing more than to wake up and not have the constant buzzing in my head.

I just want to be happy and secure with who I am, no matter what.  My therapist has her work cut out for her.

I don't think it's an unpopular opinion at all.  I think that a lot of it has to do with perspective and where you currently are physically and emotionally. 

If you have already transitioned and/or are feeling good about how things are going, I believe your perspective may be that you wouldn't want to give up the time spent as your former self.  You also may see the transition as a crucible that has shaped you into a better person.  That's where I am today.

If you are struggling with this and possibly seeing that there is no good solution in sight, then yeah... you're going to wish you didn't have this as part of you.  That's completely normal and expected.  That's where I used to be.  I really wished that either (a) I had been born female, or (b) was OK with being male.  Neither were true, so I had to do something about it. 

In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 10, 2024, 11:33:05 AMI don't think it's an unpopular opinion at all.  I think that a lot of it has to do with perspective and where you currently are physically and emotionally. 

If you have already transitioned and/or are feeling good about how things are going, I believe your perspective may be that you wouldn't want to give up the time spent as your former self.  You also may see the transition as a crucible that has shaped you into a better person.  That's where I am today.

If you are struggling with this and possibly seeing that there is no good solution in sight, then yeah... you're going to wish you didn't have this as part of you.  That's completely normal and expected.  That's where I used to be.  I really wished that either (a) I had been born female, or (b) was OK with being male.  Neither were true, so I had to do something about it. 

In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

~Sara

I feel much the same way.  If I can't have been born female, why couldn't I have just been happy as a male?

Even though I've had gender variant feelings since I was 5, I feel like I'm very much at the beginning of my journey.  I'm heavily closeted with an unsupportive SO.  I feel trapped.  I know the truth, and it feels like I'm barreling inexorably towards a truth that I don't want.

-Claire

So much information and honesty in a thread like this. It's very valuable to me, as well as to others who might be lurking here.

I could ponder this question for a couple of months and I still don't think I'd be sure how to answer it.

I keep thinking back to a post a saw a few months ago from an "elder" here, who advised a person who was on the fence to strongly consider the consequences of coming out and/or transitioning. She said something like "it's really hard. Don't do it unless you have no other choice."

I thought "wow, that's pretty harsh". But after thinking about it and reflecting on my own situation and the stories I've heard, I can't really disagree. This is hard for most of us. Who wants that kind of pain and suffering?

We're trans because we're trans. As I'm fond of saying, I started my transition because I could not longer not start it. Everything was "fine" in my life, except for that longing that wouldn't go away. Starting to satisfy that longing has been a source of great joy. Pondering the consequences of this action has been a constant source of anxiety, a yin to my yang.

Do I wish I wasn't trans? Well, if I could have found contentment as a male, yes, I wish I wasn't trans. Do I want to return to my male self and revert back to the constant dreaming about being female? No. If someone offered me a pill that would return my body to what it was and take away the longing, would I take it? No. Because the longing is a part of me. I don't know that I'd be anything like the person I am without it. While I wish it never happened to me, it did, and I finally started doing something about it.

I will continue to have lots of doubts, fears and anxiety. If, somehow, I find a way to live as a woman and find a reasonable level of acceptance, I suspect I won't wish this never happened to me. I suspect I'll embrace being trans. I suspect I'll find a level of happiness I never dreamed possible.

In the meantime, I'm glad I'm not alone.

In a post in this thread, I categorically said "Absolutely Not"  In other words I want to remain a 'transsexual' forever.  Why?  There are a couple of reasons, one I'm a female, I want to remain a female forever and I have always been a female.  Two, this is the closest I can ever be, to being a female after treatment.

A more pertinent or poignant question to ask is why us?  The answer lies simply in nature.  There is about 5% of us, including intersex people. (don't quote me on this figure it's just for illustration purposes only).  Nature stuffed up or humans interfered in some way which caused the condition that we have.  I accept my condition unconditionally.

Knowing this and accepting this one can seek out treatment that will alleviate these symptoms to some degree.  My understanding over the years, when my condition reared its ugly head, I did not think twice about it, I just continued with my life.  Eventually, I suppose it became to much and I did what I had to do without even realising what I was doing, I did not know at the time, where I was going, I did not know what I was doing, even I did not think about what I was doing.

Courtney G elaborated in one of her posts.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 10, 2024, 03:10:34 PMWe're trans because we're trans. As I'm fond of saying, I started my transition because I could not longer not start it. Everything was "fine" in my life, except for that longing that wouldn't go away. Starting to satisfy that longing has been a source of great joy. Pondering the consequences of this action has been a constant source of anxiety, a yin to my yang.

Thank you Courtney G for putting eloquently into words that describes what went on within me, without one realizing it.

The only difference, I had no anxiety whatsoever, no dysphoria per se, the longing was always there and eventually information about my condition and uncle saying "go and live as a female", gave me the impetuous to do what needed to be done.  So I left family and friends and in doing so, I was prepared to lose everything, to go and live as a female.

In my case what needed to be done to relieve my symptoms, I had the following treatments, electrolysis to get rid of facial hair, female hormones to grow my breasts, anti testosterone injections to remove the damaging effects of balding and surgery so that I could function as a normal female.  There are two treatments that I cannot change, my chromosomes or my body to bear children.  This alone brings me to tears.

As TxSara says,

Quote from: TXSara on January 10, 2024, 11:33:05 AMIn retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

I would say it this way

"In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change anything, the way things worked out, ever."

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Kindest regards to one and all
Sarah B
PS Courtney G, you are never alone
PSS Edited to add 'prepared to lose everything'

I defiantly wish I was not trans. I wish I had been born female. I love being female and really never found happiness as a male. As trans, perhaps I'm not a CIS woman but the longing and desires nor longer taunt me day and night. I don't have to hide who and what I am since coming out. I like the changes HRT has brought. I like the person I see in the mirror. I like not hiding anymore and the peace that came along with it. Being trans has been a huge source of pain most of my life, but excepting that is what I am and living my life as a woman has brought me great peace and joy.

So many thoughful answers.  You all have reached a level of acceptance I can only dream about.  So far.  I just pray I get there someday.

Hugs,

Claire

Quote from: ClaireBlooming on January 11, 2024, 09:21:09 AMSo many thoughful answers.  You all have reached a level of acceptance I can only dream about.  So far.  I just pray I get there someday.

Hugs,

Claire

So many realities start as dreams, Claire. I do hope you get to realize your dreams.

Hi ClaireBlooming

You said

Quote from: ClaireBlooming on January 11, 2024, 09:21:09 AMSo many thoughful answers.  You all have reached a level of acceptance I can only dream about.  So far.  I just pray I get there someday.

Hugs,

Claire

Claire, I wish you find all the peace that you are looking for.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

You and I, we have to be who we are.  It's not healthy to stay with a partner who can't, won't understand.  So, most of us find a middle ground and chill out.

Life is too short either way.

I only came to fully understand about my condition, when I was in my 50's and then it was only from a place called 'Susan's Place', a long time after my surgery.

Susan's Place is a place where one can learn and grow.

Kindest regards to one and all
Sarah B

Quote from: Gina P on January 11, 2024, 05:39:51 AMI defiantly wish I was not trans. I wish I had been born female. I love being female and really never found happiness as a male. As trans, perhaps I'm not a CIS woman but the longing and desires nor longer taunt me day and night. I don't have to hide who and what I am since coming out. I like the changes HRT has brought. I like the person I see in the mirror. I like not hiding anymore and the peace that came along with it. Being trans has been a huge source of pain most of my life, but excepting that is what I am and living my life as a woman has brought me great peace and joy.

I love, love, love this answer!  I hadn't thought of taking the question beyond the inference of "did you wish you could be happy as male."  At least that's what I read into the question.  Most of us get used to the idea of perpetual conflict, of all and sundry insisting that we are mentally unbalanced, or worse!  We tend to gird for battle or for tears.  I love the feeling of DEFIANTLY.

If others are unaccepting, it's on them.  We don't have the responsibility to settle our lives into their expectations.  I wish them the peace you and I found.
Thank you!

I am a lot happier after having transitioned.

However, don't take that the wrong way: It's not that I'm not happier than I was before (transition was a MUST, and there is absolutely no going back for me, transition is not the problem... Being trans to begin with is the problem). I hate being trans altogether. I always have. I just want to have been born the right sex to begin with. There shouldn't have ever have had to be a "transition", and even still that transition can never completely fill the void. To never be able to birth a child, it tears me apart in such a deep, hard to express manner.

I can only fix what I have the ability to. I am much happier than I have ever been in my entire life, but there is still deep grieving to overcome of what has been lost.

It sucks related to society, too. At this moment, I live in a deep red state and the government wants to take away what happiness I have been able to make. I am having to leave the state, my home since childhood, all of my friends, and a lot of family members. Another grief, but one that isn't necessary. There is no need for this cruelty, but alas humanity never learns. We repeat this cycle of cruelty over and over again. I can't understand. SMDH.

I wish I was born female.  But as I was not, no, I do not wish that I am not transgender.


Chrissy

always...my journey with trans-ness is not a pleasant one......i wish i wasnt like dis but my feelings tell another story...i actively indulge myself in my internalized transphobic thoughts bc i wrongfully believe it will bring me closer 2 da "normality" of being cis... i am terrible. i have become a more hateful person since my revelation. not only towards ppl in my own community...i often find myself directing anger towards those who were blessed w cis-ness...i am angry bc y shld u b lucky nd not me as well?

i cant stand being transgender...it is isolating nd i feel ashamed. as another user said in reply 2 dis comment, i am an unwilling participant in dis experience

For as long as I remember, I have felt this way, so it's hard to imagine not being trans. No, I don't wish that I wasn't trans. I do wish others were more accepting of transgender people.

I'm kind of on the fence about being trans. On one hand I am kind of easy to manipulate, so I would likely have been burdened with kids. So in one way I am kind of glad that I wasn't born a woman but in so many other ways I wish I was born a girl.

I in no way wish that I was happy being male I hate everything about being male.

Quote from: Athena on July 01, 2024, 07:39:41 AMI in no way wish that I was happy being male I hate everything about being male.

I am with you on this 100%.

Do I wish I wasn't trans? Yes... and no.

Yes because of the effect it has on people around me. No because the journey I've been on in discovering myself has allowed me to understand who I am, why I am here, and allowed me to meet and be a part of the lives of, some of the most incredible people in the world.

Speaking personally, being trans has brought nothing but pain. Sometimes literally. Spending a year in hospital because of the hatred some people have towards trans people... my flesh and blood being the worst towards these offenders... it has literally wrecked all hope of getting to where a good many people here are able to get to. It has led to very lucky circumstances allowing me to even post this... but personally... being trans for me has been a Damocles sword, as far as transition is concerned. One which has fallen with quite unpleasant results.

But I would not give that up for anything. The thing is... we live our lives on the shoulders of giants. Everything we do and aspire to is based on people who come before. People who push through it all to be who they want to be. I cannot be, or hope to be someone who speaks on behalf of trans women. I am some crippled wannabe hanging on the coat-tails of greatness. But I will always be a cheerleader for anyone who stands up and says "This is who I am, this is who I want to be, and you have no right to put me down."

So many amazing and insightful answers. I also struggle with this. My conditioned male identity - the one I presented to the world squirms at times. If I truly relax and look at things clearly - I wish I had been born female. If there was some way to 'switch off' the Transgender core of me would I do it? No, it would be tearing my soul out. 

All the time... and being born either sex without being TS would have been OK.

I would be a different person, but of course I would have been that if I had been born into a different situation even if not trans (I was born into very difficult family situation that had nothing to do with being TS).

Maybe if I had both transitioned young and been able to blend better, i would feel differently, but too much of my life has been and remains complicated because of it and I'm coming up to the last chapter.

That said, given everything, being who I am and when I was born, I don't think I could have done or do much significantly differently.

- Karen

I am not trans. I went through a transition of gender - but I do not classify myself as 'trans'. Why should I, I live the life of a woman not a transwoman?

I also don't have regrets. Everything that happened to me in my past, is what makes who I am now. I am always a positive person, I 'make the best' of things, and so, how is there anything to regret? If I made mistakes, that is only known due to hindsight. Hindsight and rueing the path not chosen is about as effective as clearing out ear wax.. and less satisfying. SO, don't do it.

I believe we each are here to carve out our own stories. To deal with our own challenges. Some people would put that in a religious context, some (like me) gamify it. Life is a complex Xbox game, you make the best choices you can and deal with the consequences. Sometimes you get a 'free life' and continue - other times you have to go back to a recent save game and try again. In this journey of life, the last thing you do is reach your destination. So, keep on trucking.

Quote from: SoupSarah on July 27, 2024, 12:14:33 PMIn this journey of life, the last thing you do is reach your destination.

Enjoy the journey because no one gets out alive.  ;D

I do not wish I was not trans. I wish being trans was not an issue and e get help when young.

Most people do not seem to care, unless it is someone who is not a stranger.
But some do not like us solely because we are transgender.

Quote from: SoupSarah on July 27, 2024, 12:14:33 PMI am not trans. I went through a transition of gender - but I do not classify myself as 'trans'. Why should I, I live the life of a woman not a transwoman?

I find this somewhat curious. Most people I've known who come here with that view tend to leave once they've gotten the information they need to get to where they want to be. Never to darken these doors again. But you haven't. :) And you often champion trans folks when it comes to different ideas or philosophies.

I'm not sure it's an either/or scenario.

Quote from: Sephirah on July 27, 2024, 05:48:11 PMI find this somewhat curious. Most people I've known who come here with that view tend to leave once they've gotten the information they need to get to where they want to be. Never to darken these doors again. But you haven't. :) And you often champion trans folks when it comes to different ideas or philosophies.

I'm not sure it's an either/or scenario.

LOL - and WUT?..  Are you politely asking me to leave?.

I am an advocate.. its a type of empath, its an INFJ personality in the Briggs-Myers scheme of personality types. I champion what is right and fight for justice for everyone. The misinformation about transsexual people is criminal and needs people to educate the populace.

Personally, I had gender surgery the day I was born. More when I was 3 years old. This surgery and nurture, raised me male. My genetics and biology are intersex, true hermaphrodite. by biology does not indicate a clear gender. If anything I detransitioned to female? SO.. I am not transsexual. I don't identify as such. I identify as female, as a woman.. but I will stand beside anyone who does identify as trans and fight tooth and nail for their right to exist and live a normal and productive life..

I will get my coat!.

Quote from: SoupSarah on July 27, 2024, 10:01:23 PMLOL - and WUT?..  Are you politely asking me to leave?.

Sarah, oh my gosh no. You need to be here. We don't always agree but you always provoke conversation. The point I was making is that... most people who come here to get information on how to further their transition, and go through everything, come out the other side into the pot of gold beyond the rainbow... they don't stay here. They say "Trans was a phase in my life, I don't identify with it anymore, I have everything I ever wanted, I don't need this place anymore. So long and thanks for all the fish."

I've seen it so many times from people with so much to offer... but once they're done with transition, it's like that part of their life is a dirty word. Makes them feel bad having to acknowledge transition was even a thing. It's like "screw you, jack, I'm okay!", you know? They drop the whole trans thing like it's some dirty secret that they never want to bring to light ever. "I was never diagnosed being transgender, what are you even talking about? I am a cis man/woman. Hail me as such! I won't sully myself with trans issues ever again!"

People do this. Once some folks get everything they want, they dump everything that gets them there.

Like I say, I don't think you're like that. You champion, and speak up for trans folks. I don't think you're one of those people for whom transgender isn't at least a little part of you, however much you don't want it to be part of your identity. I think you're better than that. :)