Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, everyone.

After a bit of a scary start following the loss of all of my content since I joined her 2 years ago, I'm off and running with a new blog. My first blog heavily chronicled my fears and doubts, and explained how I simply couldn't continue without doing anything about my ongoing feeling that my body was wrong...

Fast forward to now. I've been on HRT for two years. Changes have occurred. Instead of a place to vent my fears and search for my identity, Susan's has become a place where I share my story with friends and support them, as well as others who might wander in here.

Many thanks to the friends here who have supported me so far.

Happy 2 year anniversary.

I agree with everything you said. 

I guess being 61, we are fairly close in age and have similar experiences.

Thanks, Rachel.

I was able to grab a few of the posts from the original version of this thread from Google's cache, so I'll look through them and post them here if I find them to be of value.

In other news, I seem to get the stupid newbie verification thing wrong the first time, pretty much EVERY TIME.

I really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

Quote from: Gina P on January 06, 2024, 02:53:44 PMI really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

Thanks, hon. For those reading along, it's a FaceApp rendering of me, but it's stunningly similar to the way I currently look.

Hey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 06, 2024, 08:06:24 PMHey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

Hi, O&C. If you mean to ask if my comments above were informed by conversations with younger folk, then yes, indeed. Oh, and by "younger", I mean people in their late 20s, 30s and 40s! They had a lot to say, and it was pretty discouraging. I defended Susan's, but I was kind of in the lion's den, and I couldn't effectively dispute all of their points, because they weren't all wrong. I just told them that it's a great format and there are great people here. From my perspective, that "it takes every kinda people" perspective only goes so far when you're young and idealistic. The same could be said for many older folx, though...

I might be completely wrong, but the fact that there are thousands of active users in that space, with hundreds online at any given time is, to me, a sign that they either prefer that (stream) format and/or they don't want to be here.

The whole thing is a major shame because it's pretty near impossible to stay on one thread/topic for very long, as it gets buried in the stream of comments - more like a chat room than a forum. And going back to refer to informational posts is impractical

Susan's provides anonymity, a treasure trove of reference materials from folx with widely varying experiences, and the ability to curate and develop a conversation to a productive conclusion. Can't do all that anywhere else, in my opinion. That's why I've donated (a small amount) to the site several times, continue to donate, and hope it stays around.

Anyway, I'm sorry it was so harsh. I was in a pretty dark place and I was feeling angry and down. But I'm a lifetime fixer of things and I make my living my carefully working online spaces for maximum engagement, and it would be a mistake to stick our heads in the sand over this. As I mentioned, I feel that we need some of those people to join our ranks. Taking care to avoid being overly restrictive regarding content was a great start.

Hey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong... ;) 

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 01:36:11 AMHey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong... ;) 

Lol. Words of wisom, Allie. I think. Lol.

Onward

I managed to scavenge a few entries from Google's cache of the "old" blog, but there's so much missing, I'm not sure there's any point. Let's just put it this way:

I came out to myself recently (11/2021) and didn't waste any time starting HRT. I'm still (as of this entry) presenting male and I'm not afforded the opportunity to dress feminine. I'm not even sure what I want - my previous blog was full of my complaining about all of this, and struggling through doubt and pain. I guess I'm still struggling, but I'm transitioning despite myself. Two years of estradiol will do that to a person.

Major hurdles for me:
1. Friends/people I know, almost all of which are very middle-aged.
2. My receded hairline
3. I'm tall
4. My nose is pretty big
5. I just really afraid of being: ugly, laughed at, unwanted, etc.

Some of that sounds like things a cis woman might complain about.

Also, I do often worry that I won't like it, that I'll find out that I don't really want to present as a woman. This might end up being true. On the other hand, it could be that because I've repressed this desire over so many years, while seeking fulfillment privately, I'm come to associate my transness with my sexual needs - I've fetishized it. I'm 100% sure that this is very common, that we end up thinking we're just weirdos, and society has done little to assuage those feelings.

But:

1. I've changed my body through HRT and I'm feeling a sense of body positivity and well-being about my physical self that is unlike anything I'd ever dreamed of
2. I have hair replacement surgery scheduled a week from now
3. After removing most of my dark facial hair through the use of a handheld IPL device, I've started seeing an electrologist
4. I've built a support network, from the peeps here, to a Discord group, to my therapist, a trans man, who I've been seeing for about 18 months.
5. That profile pic was created using my face, with some hair, light makeup, a tiny change to my chin, ever-so-slightly larger eyes and nothing else. I could really look like her.
6. Super exciting "mystery news", which I'll share in my next post

It's all very scary and hard, but here I am - I'm doing it. As I probably mentioned in my previous blog, I started transitioning because I wasn't able to continue to *not* transition. I guess that will have to be enough.

Nice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

Quote from: Susannah on January 08, 2024, 08:41:04 PMNice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

Same, Susannah. I hope when this is finished and we've both gotten to where we want to be, we're able to meet up and have an in-person conversation.

QuoteI've started seeing an electrologist

I think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 08:01:38 AMI think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

I agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Even after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Keep plugging, Courtney.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 09, 2024, 11:03:37 AMEven after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you.
You probably didn't notice, but I have hair replacement surgery scheduled for later this week! 3000 grafts from the back of my head, to be placed in the front to bring my hairline down. I didn't think it was possible - didn't think I could get acceptable results, but the hair restoration place told me I'm a great candidate. My donor area (back of my head) has very dense hair, my hairs are thick, and I'm naturally curly, all of which bode well for a good outcome. Luckily, my crown isn't too badly thinned, so longer hair might cover it - or I'll go back for another procedure in the future.

This comes after many, many years on topical minoxidil, 4 years of oral finasteride, plus biotin supplements, microneedling and of course, estradiol. I still thinned, despite 30 years of minoxidil, but I'm pretty certain my loss would have been significantly greater if I hadn't used it.

I'll update this thread with some progress pics, and some photos as the hair begins to grow. For those who are reading along and have been thinking about hair restoration: do shop around. The place I'm going to is $7,000 cheaper than the place down the road from it. The more expensive place has a board-certified plastic surgeon's name on the masthead, whereas this place does not, yet the online reviews are stellar. And you might think, as I did, that it can't be done, but a consultation might be worth it.

Here are some "before" pics. I asked them to create an inverted "U" shape, as opposed to the "M" favored for male hairlines. I also had them add a very small point near the center, as many women have that and I think it adds more of a natural look.

(https://i.imgur.com/f2e3Qai.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/GlHbtax.jpg)

Awesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 09, 2024, 01:10:02 PMAwesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

It's understandable! I'd imagine moderating a forum like this one is very time-consuming, and that you can't absorb every bit of what everyone is saying.

I usually don't post this often, but I had a conversation today with my best friend that was eye-opening:

She (bestie and I) were talking about clothing and positivity and she advised me to be careful not to be too boastful about my body around my partner. I've said before that having something I finally like about myself (my body) is blowing my mind. I've never, ever been a show-off because I've never felt "enough", let alone good enough to feel pride. But I'm very middle-aged (almost senior-aged!) and my body is looking pretty good. Bestie pointed out that women her age are often feeling down about the body they once had, or the body they always wanted, and the joy I'm feeling over my blossoming body could trigger frustration or jealousy in others.

It never occurred to me that someone might be jealous of me, of all things. And it's not the reaction I want to evoke from others. I just want validation and acceptance.

Anyway, I feel it could explain a lot about coming out to partners who've experienced pregnancies and general aging and aren't always going to be as excited about our bodies as we are. Perhaps it partially explains the reactions of some cis women. Some could feel that we haven't suffered the marginalization they have, gone through the difficulties of childbirth, etc. - that we're "cheating the system" by pumping ourselves full of hormones and declaring "I'm a woman." (we know it's not that simple). I'm not making excuses for bad behavior from anyone, just trying to understand why some might react the way they do.

Yes, that was an issue before my partner passed, as she was a size 22 and I was a size 4.
Not only that, I could pass for a woman in my 20s.  Ten  years later, my CIS friends have said that if I wanted to, I could dye my hair and pass for a woman in her 20s! I went to a summer pot luck party wearing a fitted tee shirt and shorts as if I just got back from the beach! 

I realized later that the CIS woman like to show off the nice clothes and jewelry they own at these parties as there are few opportunities these days to wear them. When in Rome dress like the Romans! Last time I went I wore a boldly colorful Lily Pulitzer skirt.  One lady confided that she likes to wear them too but she needs to lose some weight to fit in hers.

Yes, I'm sort of similar. I look much younger than I am.

I didn't mean cis people in particular; I meant others in general, including other trans folk. I tend to boast because I'm very happy with my changes, but we have to realize that we might be making others feel bad when we start bragging (or even commenting positively) about ourselves.

It's made me rethink things a bit.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 08:01:38 AMI think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

Even though I am not on HRT now, I want to start to remove facial hair.  @Courtney G suggested a device about a year ago but I cannot find it now.

Quote from: Susannah on January 09, 2024, 09:34:46 PMEven though I am not on HRT now, I want to start to remove facial hair.  @Courtney G suggested a device about a year ago but I cannot find it now.

I bought the previous version of this model: https://us.braun.com/en-us/female-hair-removal/silk-expert-pro-ipl

QuoteI realized later that the CIS woman like to show off the nice clothes and jewelry they own at these parties as there are few opportunities these days to wear them.

Ciswomen aren't monolithic. They are individuals. Asserting that "CIS women like..." is a non-starter and when you extrapolate from one potluck, your sample size is miniscule.

Quote...she advised me to be careful not to be too boastful about my body around my partner.

It's great advice. I'm glad you're heeding it.

 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 10, 2024, 09:13:16 AMCiswomen aren't monolithic. They are individuals. Asserting that "CIS women like..." is a non-starter and when you extrapolate from one potluck, your sample size is miniscule.

I meant to say that I was using previous experiences with one group of people I hang out with to better prepare for future outings with the same people.  Sorry about the poor wording.  Not just what I remember but I also have access to photographs taken at previous outings.

Thanks for replying, MM. I just try to be wary of generalizing. We're all different...up to a point. I was once part of a group where the team overseeing us deliberately failed our expectations and we reacted in utterly predictable ways, as did every group put in that situation. However, that was a controlled situation, thus the predictability.

I doubt my Facebook friends are anything like the real world.
I have one self outed and repeatedly doxxed girl who is living her best life now.
A drag queen.
A mom that posts pictures of her transgender daughter.
A guy who is an LGBTQ+ supporter on Facebook.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 10, 2024, 08:55:54 AMI bought the previous version of this model: https://us.braun.com/en-us/female-hair-removal/silk-expert-pro-ipl

Thank you.  I think I will get this.  You have said this one is working well for you.

WARNING: there's a bit of talk of surgery-related stuff in here

Lots going on. A big update, but I have other things to do, so I'll try to whip this up right quick:

HAIR REPLACEMENT SURGERY UPDATE:

The hair surgery has, so far, been an amazing and transformative experience. I'm sitting here with a shaved head, looking like an alien, with 3,000 tiny scabs on the front of my head and 3,000 tiny holes on the back, all of which are busy healing, which means I'm itchy! I've had to mist my new grafts with saline every hour while awake and whenever I happen to wake up at night. I've been taking several different meds but that's winding down. I'm not allowed to wear pullover shirts, hats, or anything other than button-down shirts, but I put a bra on today for the first time since before surgery, because I wanted to pamper myself.

I have a special regimen for careful washing of the donor and graft areas, which I've been following carefully. Next Monday, I'll be removing the scabs and I hope to look a little less freaky. A couple days later, I'll be able to wear a hat, which will make going out in public a lot less daunting. My transplanted hairs will begin to grow, then many or most will fall out, then begin a new growth cycle. This means that the transplanted hair will likely be several weeks behind the rest of my scalp, as my hair style begins to transition from marine boot camp to civilian to person with (gasp!) a full head of hair. I'm ready for this.

The person who did the surgery did an excellent job. She created the hairline exactly as we'd designed it and the grafts are grouped very tightly. I have high hopes that this will result in a full, natural-looking head of hair.

This is mind-blowing. I cannot overstate how significant this is. I simply couldn't get past my middle-aged male hairline, but it has been replaced by a beautiful inverted "U". It will be many months before I have something here that could be styled or trimmed in a meaningful way, but after waiting 30 years, the time will fly, I'm sure. But I truly look forward to seeing the changes as they occur.

Simultaneously, my facial hair continues to go away. I had visit #3 with my local electrologist last night. We're both working on the remaining dark hairs - me with my at-home IPL hair remover and her with the professional equipment. Once we've gotten the dark hairs mostly eliminated, we'll start in on the sea of grays that were left behind by the IPL. I don't mind those much, as shaving them away is enough to keep the facial hair dysphoria at bay.

THE BIG NEWS:

A major reason for the current work on my facial hair is an upcoming trip to the Virgin Islands. My girlfriend and I are going to do a tropical island vacay, replete with swimming, snorkeling, laying in the sand - the usual stuff. It's not something we've done much of as a couple and it was never very appealing to me, because I always hated exposing my body around anyone. Things are different now.

But the differences present challenges. My body shape is incongruous with my face, voice and hair. What to do? Well, I'll be cleared to wear hats by then, so I'll be doing that (I have to avoid sunburn, anyway). But there aren't many solutions for hiding my breasts. I bought a gender-neutral swim tank from Tomboy-X but I'll need to wear a compression bra with it in order to smash my breasts down to a less-noticeable level. Going topless or simply wearing a t-shirt are not options, as I'll definitely cause a scene.

But what's the point of all of this newfound body positivity if I have to continue to hide myself? I decided that I'm also going to bring beach clothing that suits my body (literally). I've bought a wonderful bikini top and plan on buying a couple of pleated swim skirts. I took my friend's advice and bought a few top styles in a couple of sizes. I had to try 5 different ones before finding the one that works for me. And it looks amazing! It's truly blowing my mind. I wish I could show you all, but I think posting a pic of my torso in a bikini top is bad decorum for this space. But the size, shape and fullness of my breasts in this very gendered piece of female clothings is very affirming.

I bought a big, floppy hat for protection and to cover my shaved head, and I'll be getting a couple of caps designed for swimming.

My partner knows about all of this: the electrolysis, the swimwear, and my plans to hit the beach as myself. I'm sure it's not what she wants, but she's coping pretty well so far. I don't know what it will be like when I actually do it. In my dreams, she'll look over at me and say "I can see the real you. You look beautiful and happy", and we'll just be two girls on the beach together, but that's not likely. Her tacit acceptance is the best I could hope for. Fortunately, she's not a mean person, so I don't expect her to be unkind, but I'm super sensitive, and eye rolls can hurt pretty badly. Still, I must do this. This is me now. I have no choice; I can't continue to fight my desire to present myself this way. It's a bit of a trial by fire, but so be it.

LABS UPDATE:

My latest blood test revealed a milestone: my T is officially nuked. This result is consistent with my expectations, medically-speaking, but I'm still a bit surprised for two reasons:
1. I don't feel bad
2. I'm completely "functional"

I'd been warned several times by my doc that some people don't feel very good with very low T, so I came to expect that as a possible outcome. But I feel like me. Not really good or bad, just "normal." That's a good thing.

I've also heard a ton of stories of people losing all bottom function while on HRT, especially when their testosterone has been properly suppressed. In many cases, this is a desired outcome, but not always. Bottom surgery isn't on my agenda and I feel that losing the ability to respond in that way would be traumatizing to me. So...another good thing.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

This is all great news, Courtney!  I'm really glad that you are happy with the hair transplant, and the T levels also sound like they are where you want them to be!

I will remind you, though, that it is REALLY easy to lose patience with hair transplant results.  In about a month, the scabs will be gone and so will the hairs.  You'll be freaking out, thinking that everything was for naught.  Be patient.  You won't see "diddle" for about 4 months, then every month after that will give a little more density.  You won't see everything "sprout" until the 9-10 month point.  Just be ready.  It's a hard thing to be zen about.   :)

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:13:21 PMThis is all great news, Courtney!  I'm really glad that you are happy with the hair transplant, and the T levels also sound like they are where you want them to be!

Thanks!

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:13:21 PMI will remind you, though, that it is REALLY easy to lose patience with hair transplant results.  In about a month, the scabs will be gone and so will the hairs.  You'll be freaking out, thinking that everything was for naught.  Be patient.  You won't see "diddle" for about 4 months, then every month after that will give a little more density.  You won't see everything "sprout" until the 9-10 month point.  Just be ready.  It's a hard thing to be zen about.   :)

You're right. I have been told the same by the hair center and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that scary "shedding" event and the slow return that follows, but it's going to be hard to be patient, I think. I'm going to have to work at it. My hair does grow quickly and the hairs are thick, so maybe it won't be so bad, but I have to prepare for the worst. I actually think I might look *worse* that I did before the surgery at first because I might lose a lot of the hair that was already there.

Great progress update Courtney!

I just got the 'nuked T' results last week, myself. Only thing I've felt is a bit more of a struggle on the treadmill, but otherwise I hadn't noticed it.

My libido took a hit early on, so that hasn't changed too much... and just today (like at lunchtime) I slapped on my increased dosage patch, so we'll see what's next with all that!

Very jelly about the hair thing -  I have the same needs, but I just don't think I'm going to go that path. I suppose I don't know for certain, but I think it's too much real estate to cover for me. LOL

Love,
Allie

Swimming, snorkeling, and wearing a bikini, sounds grand. Don't forget the sunblock as I'm sure those parts have not seen the sun in a very long time. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve.
Your friend 
Gina

Hi Courtney

You mentioned the following in one of your posts.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 18, 2024, 12:31:19 PMSimultaneously, my facial hair continues to go away. I had visit #3 with my local electrologist last night. We're both working on the remaining dark hairs - me with my at-home IPL hair remover and her with the professional equipment. Once we've gotten the dark hairs mostly eliminated, we'll start in on the sea of grays that were left behind by the IPL. I don't mind those much, as shaving them away is enough to keep the facial hair dysphoria at bay.

Yes, getting rid of one's facial hair was one of the bane's of my existence.  In the early stages of getting rid of my facial hair, revolved around the following schedule:

• After work on a Friday night, it was party time!!  I had to have some fun right?
• Saturday morning was pampering time for ones body, which included electrolysis, single needle and multi needle, cannot remember the exact name of the procedure, but I will try and find out what it was, as home 'IPL' systems where not around in my time.  Wax ones face if one was going out on the town again.
• Sunday night was reserved for waxing ones face, unless it was done on Saturday.  With warm bees wax, there was hair growth for the next 5 days and makeup covered those hairs nicely.  Yay!!
• Goto work for the next 5 days.
• Rinse and Repeat

I have auburn hair, yes goldilocks coloring.  The facial hair was the same.  However, after a period of time the coloring of my facial hair turned white, maybe because of the electrolysis, waxing and HRT, which helped me no end in my facial and general appearance.

The first and maybe the second time I ever had my face waxed was hard, but after that it was easy and I remember to this day what it was like not having facial hair.

I still have occasional white hair, they get plucked out with a tweezer's, don't fret my mum had more whiskers on her face than I did and watching her pluck them out was priceless.

Give it time and you will be hair free soon and it will bring with it, freedom!

I hope you have a nice day

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 07:20:03 PMYes, I'm sort of similar. I look much younger than I am.

It's taken me 33 odd years to find out the reason why I always looked younger than I was.

Take for example, I was at university eating a bowl rice with a fellow student, I do not know how it came about but she could not believe me when I told her my age. I was around 40's or something and she thought I was in my low 30's.  I had to show her my driving license.  Big smile on her face.

It's the hormones of course!!!!!!

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 07:20:03 PMI didn't mean cis people in particular; I meant others in general, including other trans folk. I tend to boast because I'm very happy with my changes, but we have to realize that we might be making others feel bad when we start bragging (or even commenting positively) about ourselves.

It's made me rethink things a bit.

Yes, one is careful of ones words.  Eventually however, they will be in the same spot in the future if they continue with their journey.  As the saying goes, "what comes around, goes around"

I hope you had a nice day and thank you.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

You have completed those two steps, that's called progress and patience young padawan, you will get there, "inch by inch".

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMAnd gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Tell me about those chin whiskers, even when I had my face waxed for the first time those chin whiskers, where a nightmare to get out!

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 18, 2024, 12:31:19 PMI bought a big, floppy hat for protection and to cover my shaved head, and I'll be getting a couple of caps designed for swimming.

Three maybe four types of material for swimming caps and you can use them in the shower maybe.

• Cotton type fabric
• Latex
• Silicone
• Rubber? (I'm thinking old granny type caps.)

Let us know what type of cap you get and use when you go swimming

Best wishes
Sarah B
PS Swimming is  my passion

Quote from: Sarah B on January 20, 2024, 08:01:04 PMThree maybe four types of material for swimming caps and you can use them in the shower maybe.

• Cotton type fabric
• Latex
• Silicone
• Rubber? (I'm thinking old granny type caps.)

Let us know what type of cap you get and use when you go swimming

Best wishes
Sarah B
PS Swimming is  my passion

A set of 4 (inexpensive) spandex caps and 1 lycra cap arrived today. Going to see how they feel - maybe try them in the shower. I'm not going for any kind of protection/water resistance, just looking to camouflage my post-surgery shaved head while we swim and snorkel. My big goal is for the cap to remain on while I dunk my head below and above the water. Once we're done and we get back to the beach towels, I'll switch to a big, floppy hat I bought, which will offer sun protection, stylishness and help me to blend in when I'm presenting female.

The whole idea of presenting as a woman on a beach is both thrilling and terrifying. And as I mentioned above, I'm not expecting much support from my partner over this. The best I think I can hope for is some kind of tolerance. I really want to paint my nails and put a bit of makeup or something on (especially foundation!) but that might be a bridge too far. We'll see. I have to push for these things - I have to advocate for myself. I don't have a choice.

EDIT: upon reflection after typing that last bit, I realize that pushing too far will likely backfire. I've mentioned wearing "clothes that are right for my body" and she knows I'm talking about women's swimwear. This is a major bridge we have to cross and it's a lot for her to deal with. Why push the issue with makeup and nails and stuff? As uncomfortable as I might be without the camouflage, I'll be way worse off if she has a freakout when I pull out nail polish and ask "what do you think?" Baby steps are best.

Hi Courtney

Your plans for swimming, sound great.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 21, 2024, 08:49:49 PMThe whole idea of presenting as a woman on a beach is both thrilling and terrifying. And as I mentioned above, I'm not expected much support from my partner over this. The best I think I can hope for is some kind of tolerance. I really want to paint my nails and put a bit of makeup or something on (especially foundation!) but that might be a bridge too far. We'll see. I have to push for these things - I have to advocate for myself. I don't have a choice.

EDIT: upon reflection after typing that last bit, I realize that pushing too far will likely backfire. I've mentioned wearing "clothes that are right for my body" and she knows I'm talking about women's swimwear. This is a major bridge we have to cross and it's a lot for her to deal with. Why push the issue with makeup and nails and stuff? As uncomfortable as I might be without the camouflage, I'll be way worse off if she has a freakout when I pull out nail polish and ask "what do you think?" Baby steps are best.

Let me tell you a little story about me and I hope it gives you some food for your own personal thoughts.   This is your blog so again, I have decided to put it into a general post, you can read it here,  My Epiphany. (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247109.msg2261588.html#msg2261588)

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Courtney

The method or similar that was used to remove my facial hair was
Galvanic Electrolysis called 'Multi Probe'

This Electrolysis utilizes a 16 probe system where the 16 probes are one-by-one progressively inserted into each unwanted hair follicle selected for treatment, so ensuring thorough removal of visible unwanted hair.

Have a nice day
Sarah B

I've been checking in here (on Susan's) quite a lot lately. We're all trying to rebuild, restore and reconnect, and I like that. It has me thinking about the lurkers - people who pop on here are pore through the threads and posts, trying to understand their feelings. Many are looking for a "thrill", not fully understanding that it's likely driven by vicarious desire rather than a fetish. They wish they were a woman/man/nonbinary person, rather than the person everyone sees them to be.

For lurkers like I once was, who happen to dream of growing breasts and are wondering what it's like:

It's amazing. I absolutely adore my breasts. I love every minute of having them. I've had to struggle to hide them so far, but it's worth it. Without testosterone in my system, my response is different. It's no longer an erotic rush to look at them - to "experience" them. It's just a deeply satisfying thing. I used to check them out 20 times a day or more. 2 years into growing them, I probably check them out 5 times a day. I marvel at these miracles every single time. I don't miss the horniness that used to drive my desires, as it was tremendously confusing. I figured that if I still wanted to have boobs after losing my male hormones, then my desires were more than sexual. I'm happy to report that the desire is still there, along with many other feminine desires.

And you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

True, I just wish mine had responded more! Right one has been tender for ages so got the doc to check yesterday, they are fine just the hormones. Trainee doc, she said breasts are funny things when I told here the full moon affects them.

I am convinced that cisgender males would be horrified by the prospect of growing breasts.  I don't think it is even a passing thought.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMAnd you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

Hi Courtney! 

Yeah, totally in the "you might be trans if..."  column.  Makes me think of several bread crumb moments that I had that were jumping up and down trying to get my attention before I accepted my identity. 

Hi Courtney

It's nice to see that you have posted again, I had been thinking of you and wondering what you was up to.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMI've been checking in here (on Susan's) quite a lot lately. We're all trying to rebuild, restore and reconnect, and I like that.

I joined Susan's in 2010 after reading and watching about 'Jazz'. Up till then I had not been associated with the 'community' in any sense of the word.  As they say once bitten twice shy. Then after a couple of years of posting, the time had come to retreat into the woods.

Just recently, I have been writing down my history and since Susan's was a good resource of what I had done I came back only (after 12 years away from Susan's) with the intention of only lurking and copy the posts that I had for posterity.  However the vortex caught me and before you know it I was posting away again. 

The crash cost me my recent posts so no big deal I have the more lengthy ones on my computer.  So I can refer to them if I need to. After the crash I have gone berserk in my posts.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMIt has me thinking about the lurkers - people who pop on here are pore through the threads and posts, trying to understand their feelings. Many are looking for a "thrill", not fully understanding that it's likely driven by vicarious desire rather than a fetish. They wish they were a woman/man/nonbinary person, rather than the person everyone sees them to be.

I understand where you are coming from, lots of views but hardly any replies or comments.  If there are new visitors they post a couple of help me questions and then disappear into the void never to be seen or heard from again.  You begin to wonder are they real, did they get caught posting, or were they trolling.  So do you answer these calls for help? Then it becomes a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMFor lurkers like I once was, who happen to dream of growing breasts and are wondering what it's like:

I was never a lurker and the only time, I wished for breasts was in my late teens (18 to 20), probably just after leaving boarding school, or in my early twenties.  I believe the reason being I was going through puberty at the time (late bloomer I think) and to my utter despair I knew they would not grow, I was broken hearted to say the least and never really considered the lack of breasts since then.

Actually to be honest, my SO at the time said to me a handful is just enough (large A cup) , he sure knew how to sweet talk me. So I was smiling from ear to ear.  One of the problems with my breast is the left one tends to work its way out when I'm swimming, one time I was so embarrassed, when I got out of the pool my left breast was exposed and a male member discretely said to me you need to cover it up, oh the memories are so branded in my mind, so in competition I tend to wear two pairs of bathers.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMIt's amazing. I absolutely adore my breasts. I love every minute of having them. I've had to struggle to hide them so far, but it's worth it. Without testosterone in my system, my response is different. It's no longer an erotic rush to look at them - to "experience" them. It's just a deeply satisfying thing. I used to check them out 20 times a day or more. 2 years into growing them, I probably check them out 5 times a day. I marvel at these miracles every single time. I don't miss the horniness that used to drive my desires, as it was tremendously confusing. I figured that if I still wanted to have boobs after losing my male hormones, then my desires were more than sexual. I'm happy to report that the desire is still there, along with many other feminine desires.

My breasts never defined who I was, they are a part of my anatomy,, they are now a C cup and they tend to reside near my armpits, maybe a little exaggeration and I tend to get rid of my bra after a hard days work.  How ironic you want to wear a bra in the earlier stages but later on you don't. Even my mum did not wear a bra often and sometimes I did hers up.

If I was to have any surgery done on them I would bring them together, so that I would have a little more cleavage.  I guess that's not being too vain is it?  No, my breasts are not my center of attention, to me downstairs is, where I get the most pleasure from. :embarrassed: :icon_redface: 

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMAnd you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

I agree about the males not wanting breasts, but want to handle them, I get that, I know so.  I waited so long for that first time and that memory is embedded so deep in my conscious, that to me it only  happened yesterday.

No, I never constantly thought about those things, that is I never was thinking about my breasts.  I was lucky, that they grew to the size that they are now and I knew they were growing when I was on my regime of HRT and yes I have a couple of stories about them.

So, from that I'm not 'trans' anything never thought about them, only rarely, as I keep saying I'm a female and my breast developed like any other prepubescent girl, I was never obsessed with them.

Best wishes and all the best for the future and let us know how well you are going.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS  My breasts were sore when they were growing but my memory is vague on this and it was so long ago.
PSS My breasts are natural!!

Quote from: Sarah B on January 26, 2024, 09:10:58 PMIt's nice to see that you have posted again, I had been thinking of you and wondering what you was up to.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I was on the phone with Gina a few minutes ago and we were having a chuckle at the fact that we both figured "all of this" was just a fetish. I told her that for the longest time, I was pretty sure that *all* men dreamed of being women, that all men would rather be female. I thought it was just an extension of "really loving women." Apparently, I was wrong.

In other news, plans to present on the beach continue. I have two swim skirts, two bikini tops, a floppy hat, pair of sandals, pair of white-rimmed sunglasses and a button down shirt to wear over my top as I leave the beach (the custom on the island is to practice modesty when not on the beach). The idea that MY body could evoke some sort of reaction, that I have something that might be compelling to others, that there's something I need to cover up is just amazing. Having felt like I was less than zero for my entire life up to this point, it tickles me to feel this...this significant.

I continue to be very worried about this. But I can't wait to try. I want to sit under an umbrella on a beach, dressed as myself and just be.

On the partner acceptance side of this, I showed her my various purchases - didn't model them for her, just handed them over. We had a nice discussion about what colors would work together. It felt good.

My hair is growing, even the transplants. No more scabs. My hair isn't spiky any more - it's fuzzy. And I haven't shed any of the transplanted hairs yet. I'm waiting for that to happen. In a very low percentage of cases, the hairs don't all fall out. I'm praying for that, but not at all expecting it. One thing I've done to try to help is regularly massaging the graft recipient area in order to encourage blood flow. But I suspect the hairs will fall out over the next few weeks. Luckily, my hair grows quickly.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 30, 2024, 11:52:31 AMI continue to be very worried about this. But I can't wait to try. I want to sit under an umbrella on a beach, dressed as myself and just be.

It's so amazing that most, if not all trans folks, just want to experience life as thier true selves. I hope you have the courage to enjoy you beach vacation. This is a huge step and I wish you all the best. Remember first steps are always a little shaky at first.
Hugs, Your friend Gina

Hi. A bit of an update. Work (and the related travel) has had me really busy and our vacation, plus some other travel has me home for just 2 days between now and the first week of March. I've been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling fears, doubts, dysphoria - all of the same stuff I've been struggling with since I came out to myself.

Recovery from the hair transplant surgery is proceeding according to schedule. And that "schedule" includes shedding all of the transplanted hairs, so some have started to fall out. In rare cases, people don't shed and I was hoping I'd get lucky, but not expecting it. Maybe I'll hang onto a few of those hairs, but I doubt it. It's going to be several months before I start to look normal, let alone have longer, brushable hair, but that's ok. I've waited this long, so I can wait a bit longer.

Permanent facial hair removal continues. My last electrolysis appointments removed quite a bit of gray (and dark) hairs from my chin, but my skin was red and swollen for almost a week. Incredibly, no one mentioned it. I often wonder if people suspect that something is going on with me, but I'm not too worried about it.

I have quite a bit of apprehension about the upcoming beach vacation. It has occurred to me that I simply might feel very uncomfortable with dressing in a public space, especially in a bikini top. I've decided not to put any pressure on myself and to see how I feel when I'm there. Some trans people are so sure of how they want to be seen by others that they're willing to endure the discomfort, embarrassment or whatever other unpleasant stuff comes along with being a clockable trans person, but that's just not me. I wish it was.

There's a lot more I can talk about here, but I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Sorry to hear about the shedding. I know we were hopping you would be spared this phase. Hang in there before you know it your hair will be down to your shoulders. I actually had a costumer ask me if I was wearing a wig yesterday. 
As far as your vacation, I'm sure you will find your path. Enjoy.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Gina P on February 08, 2024, 05:41:23 AMSorry to hear about the shedding. I know we were hopping you would be spared this phase.

Sorry, Courtney... nobody is spared that LOL.  Now, get ready for the 3 month+ freakout that you wasted all of your hard-earned money on absolutely NOTHING!  ;)   I promise it'll be OK!

Quote from: Gina P on February 08, 2024, 05:41:23 AMHang in there before you know it your hair will be down to your shoulders. I actually had a costumer ask me if I was wearing a wig yesterday.

That's great, Gina!  I agree -- 6 inches per year sounds really slow (and it is), but it will come and go a lot faster than you think!

~Sara

TXSara beat me to the punch! While I'm hopeful the 'dreaded shed' will bypass me as well, let's face it -- the odds are rarely in our favor. However, 4 - 6 months down the road you will realize what a fantastic decision you made, and a year from now you may not even remember what your old hairline looked like.

Don't worry too much about being dressed in a public space, especially a beach. If it's a popular one, there will be many people wearing swimsuits that aren't appropriate -- but they don't care. Everyone is there to enjoy the sand and sun. If you're really self-conscious, just get a colorful, sheer cover-up. It will make you feel totally covered, even though you aren't. Have some fun!

Love always -- Jess

Thanks, Jessica. Here's a pic from a few days ago. If it grows back and fills in, I'll be very happy.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 07, 2024, 08:07:33 PMHi. A bit of an update. Work (and the related travel) has had me really busy and our vacation, plus some other travel has me home for just 2 days between now and the first week of March. I've been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling fears, doubts, dysphoria - all of the same stuff I've been struggling with since I came out to myself.

Recovery from the hair transplant surgery is proceeding according to schedule. And that "schedule" includes shedding all of the transplanted hairs, so some have started to fall out. In rare cases, people don't shed and I was hoping I'd get lucky, but not expecting it. Maybe I'll hang onto a few of those hairs, but I doubt it. It's going to be several months before I start to look normal, let alone have longer, brushable hair, but that's ok. I've waited this long, so I can wait a bit longer.

Permanent facial hair removal continues. My last electrolysis appointments removed quite a bit of gray (and dark) hairs from my chin, but my skin was red and swollen for almost a week. Incredibly, no one mentioned it. I often wonder if people suspect that something is going on with me, but I'm not too worried about it.

I have quite a bit of apprehension about the upcoming beach vacation. It has occurred to me that I simply might feel very uncomfortable with dressing in a public space, especially in a bikini top. I've decided not to put any pressure on myself and to see how I feel when I'm there. Some trans people are so sure of how they want to be seen by others that they're willing to endure the discomfort, embarrassment or whatever other unpleasant stuff comes along with being a clockable trans person, but that's just not me. I wish it was.

There's a lot more I can talk about here, but I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Hey Courtney - sorry about the shedding! But I must say the coverage looks great, hopefully you're well on your way.

My wife and I were literally "talking hair" this morning. It's very much the first thing I want to really get into after we tell our son. It's my biggest issue.

But the thing you brought up that really hit home for me is the beach issue.

I feel you, completely.

We spend a lot of time at the beach in the summer... and I'm trying NOT to think about what this summer will be like, and how I'm going to handle it, mostly because that's future me's problem, not mine.

But the one thing I do know - everyone on that beach when you go will be paying attention to their own stuff, not you. You might get one second of their time. But you aren't going to be their focus. So just try not to make THEM your focus.

I know, easier said than done. But I figure if you can do it now... it'll make it easier for me to do it later. So... you know... I'm counting on you. No pressure. 😉😘

Love (and just kidding, of course),
Allie

Quote from: imallie on February 10, 2024, 09:12:30 AMHey Courtney - sorry about the shedding! But I must say the coverage looks great, hopefully you're well on your way.

My wife and I were literally "talking hair" this morning. It's very much the first thing I want to really get into after we tell our son. It's my biggest issue.

Thanks. Allie. As usual, your comments are insightful and kind. I hope you're able to sort your hair out - fortunately, there are more options now that ever before.

Regarding the beach, yeah, I'm trying to embrace that. My girlfriend (and other friends I'm out to) often tell me that people don't pay much attention to the things I'm worried about. Heading to a far flung place helps. I'll never see these people again. And there's a fair chance we'll find a beach that doesn't have ANY people on it. That would be nice. I keep trying to work through this, trying to get myself psyched up. But I think the best thing to do is to let it go for now, to be prepared for whatever my heart tells me when I get there and to go with that. And in general, the "future me" method isn't a bad one; it's a more zen approach, and it takes a lot of pressure off.

Being trans is quite hard.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 10, 2024, 03:15:04 PMThanks. Allie. As usual, your comments are insightful and kind. I hope you're able to sort your hair out - fortunately, there are more options now that ever before.

Regarding the beach, yeah, I'm trying to embrace that. My girlfriend (and other friends I'm out to) often tell me that people don't pay much attention to the things I'm worried about. Heading to a far flung place helps. I'll never see these people again. And there's a fair chance we'll find a beach that doesn't have ANY people on it. That would be nice. I keep trying to work through this, trying to get myself psyched up. But I think the best thing to do is to let it go for now, to be prepared for whatever my heart tells me when I get there and to go with that. And in general, the "future me" method isn't a bad one; it's a more zen approach, and it takes a lot of pressure off.

Being trans is quite hard.

Yeah, I hear you Courtney. And I'm rooting for you! I know you can do it, based on the fact that you've broken through each wall successfully up to this point without issue... like a take-no-prisoners Kool-Aid Ma'am.  ;D

I'm still in a bit of a "trans bubble"... I broke through that first wall, telling my wife, finding all my docs and all that... and have made a real happy home here. But it's time to fly this particular nest.

Have fun at the beach! Can't wait to hear how great you do!

Love,
Allie

I am afraid that if I were on that beach, I'd look for more than a second.  I hope I wouldn't stare.  But, I think everyone here knows I wouldn't be looking in judgement.  It would be envy. 

My point is, if you see someone noticing, that doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling anything negative towards you.  They may be finding themselves jealous. 

Or, they may simply envy your ability to be yourself.  So many people live constrained by fears of social rejection. 

Day one report from the Virgin Islands:

I'm sitting in a beach chair. My current garb consists of women's swim trunks (pretty nondescript) and a long-sleeved blue Columbia fishing shirt over a black women's sport-style swim top. Prior to this, I had a purple and black TomboyX swim tank over the same top (can't wear just the tank without some sort of bra).

We went snorkeling an hour or so ago. I wore the tank top over the swim top. Going out of the water felt ok but coming out was scary, because the top was clinging to my boobs. I even asked my girlfriend how I looked and she replied "you look like you have boobs". I tried to wait until there weren't as many people walking by and I trucked from the water to our towels with my head down and arms pinned to my sides. Eventually, I took the tank top off (told myself that I wanted to give the top a proper chance to dry). I was sitting in a beach chair with a woman's sports top on. I could look down and see a bit of cleavage and I wasn't home alone doing it. Gosh, it felt so good!! Basic gender euphoria. Body positivity.

We're on the busy island for a couple more days, then we should have access to much more remote beaches. I fully intend to romp around with my bikini top. I want this so bad, to just be proud of who I am.

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 11, 2024, 05:24:45 PMI am afraid that if I were on that beach, I'd look for more than a second.  I hope I wouldn't stare.  But, I think everyone here knows I wouldn't be looking in judgement.  It would be envy. 

My point is, if you see someone noticing, that doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling anything negative towards you.  They may be finding themselves jealous. 

Or, they may simply envy your ability to be yourself.  So many people live constrained by fears of social rejection. 

That's very kind and insightful, Rachel. I'm SO used to completely fixating on trans people (out of envy) that I'm sure that the non-trans people on the beach are going to stare at me in disgust.

I think we are the most concerned about what we look like. Our minds tend to create crowds with pitchforks, when in reality most folks won't look twice. Glad to hear that your trip is going well. Whatever you do -- have some fun!

Love always -- Jess

Hi Courtney

Just be yourself, walk normally and please have fun.  Jessica is right people will not look twice. Unless your boobs are showing :D  ;D

Again, please have fun, you are on vacation, yes?

Love and Hugs from down under where the beaches are much better.
Sarah B

So glad your enjoying yourself. Its 15deg here in NJ this morning. I hope you enjoy yourself. You deserve to be yourself.
Hugs Gina

Hi Courtney,

Life for me has gotten so busy in the last 6 months I've hardly had time to keep up with some of the member blogs.  Not to mention comment on any of them or even update my own status.  But I really wanted to comment here. 

I'm so very happy your trip is going so well, actually I'm thrilled that it is.

I've been wearing women's jeans and tight fitting women's tops with a heavily padded bra.  I've been doing this almost full time for about a year.  And you know what, nobody cares.  Or at least they don't say anything. I'm treated the same at work as I've always been, and I've been there a long time.  When I'm out shopping or just out for a walk, no one says anything.  I don't notice that I'm treated any differently. 

I'm at the point now where if someone does say something or tries to make a scene, I'm just going to smile at them and walk away.  I don't know how I would have reacted a year ago, but now I know most people don't care and I'm not going to let the "less than 1%" bother me.

I sincerely hope that your vacation goes as you wish and that you don't run into that less than 1% out there.  But if you do girl, just smile at them and walk away knowing the problem is theirs, not yours.

Please note too, that at some point you may get the odd stare.  Keep in mind that when people see something that looks out of place, it takes a little time for the brain to process.  They probably don't even realize that they're doing it.  Again, just smile and move on.

You worked hard for this, you earned it, go for it.  Take the girls out and enjoy them. Well not completely out mind you, but definitely get some tan lines on those boobs.  :D

Warm Regards,

Pauline.

PS I'm so very jealous.  I want to take my little "A" cup girls out in a bikini top.

Thanks, ladies for the kind words and encouragement. Our 2nd day of snorkeling put us at a crowded beach that we were told to check out, as it promised good terrain for the aquatic life. But it was quite crowded and I didn't feel comfortable at all, so we didn't even park the car. Instead, we went to the beach we'd visited on the previous day, only to find it even less crowded than before, which was great. I still wore my swim tank over the sports top, along with the modest, non-gendered bottoms. Still a bit scary, maybe slightly less than the previous time out.

Yesterday was a travel day and today we're on St John island, where we'll spend the rest of the trip. This island is much less developed and I'm hoping for a very secluded beach on which I can wear my bikini top, but I'm not sure that will happen. I can wear the top under the swim tank, but it won't compress me like the one I've been wearing. If anything, it will emphasize my breasts, so anyone close enough to see will notice my female shape up top, which kinda defeats the purpose of the tank top. We'll see.

More satisfying than anything has been wearing two of my women's (non-swim) tank tops around the rental. These are not items I've worn in the presence of my partner, but she hasn't said anything about this shift. I know it's a bit "in her face" as they're way more flattering than the t-shirts I usually wear, but this is me expressing myself in a way that I've dreamed about, so I really have to do it. And I just love the way I look in them. I keep sneaking glances in the mirror. I just can't imagine going out in public like this. I've been so ashamed of my thin arms and slight shoulders for my entire life but I finally feel good about this part of me.

I shaved my face as close as possible last night and I have some mineral-based sunblock with a fairly strong bronze tint, but I don't know how well I can hide my whiskers. I brought foundation with me but I haven't broken it out yet, for fear of rocking the boat here. Fortunately, I have hardly any dark hairs left on my face, thanks primarily to my Braun IPL and secondarily to my recent electrologist visits. But the grays start poking out after a day or two.

Speaking of hair removal, I recently read that grays can be "zapped" with the IPL by using carbon dye. Apparently, you can dye the roots darker, which allows the IPL's bright light to "find" those roots and heat them, which is the only way in which it's effective. But best results by far come from waxing the area first, to pull the hairs out and expose the roots, as the remaining gray hair won't take the dye but the roots will. I worry that my facial hairs are still too large in diameter to allow waxing without causing scarring and damage do my skin. Has anyone here waxed their face?

In other news, I see some freckles! My recently-shaved arms are a source of great joy, but a couple of days in the bright sun (with sunblock) seem to have brought out adorable freckles that I've never seen before. I've heard many transfeminine people mention this but I didn't think it would happen to me because of my southern Italian heritage (on mom's side).

EDIT: Hair transplant update:
My scalp has been mostly numb in the area where the grafts were placed but the numbness is slowly abating. I was pretty alarmed about it but I've read that it can last for a while and that it doesn't affect the viability of the grafts - it's due to trauma to the nerves in the area and they can take some time to reconnect.

It has been over a month since the procedure that the shedding has been moderate. I've read that most of the hair is usually shed after a month, but that just hasn't happened for me. I'd guess that about 40% of the hairs in the transplant area have shed. So there is a chance I won't lost it all. Still, it looks awful to me, a large area in the front of my scalp that remains short and thin-looking, while the rest of my shaved head grows continues to grow in. Oh, well...I signed up for this, and it will be worth it in a few months.

QuoteI keep sneaking glances in the mirror.

I remember doing that. I wouldn't pass a mirror without looking.

I had my hair cut on Wednesday. Last night, I realized I hadn't yet looked in the mirror to see how it looked. So, my days of mirror gazing are long past, but I remember the impulse. 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 17, 2024, 07:34:43 AMI remember doing that. I wouldn't pass a mirror without looking.

I had my hair cut on Wednesday. Last night, I realized I hadn't yet looked in the mirror to see how it looked. So, my days of mirror gazing are long past, but I remember the impulse. 

It's quite a lot for my brain to process. As you probably recall, my early posts here a couple of years ago were filled with doubts and thoughts of being an impostor. Feeling a thrill about the way I look, whether it's the clothes I'm wearing or my body brings up a lot of shame. Unlike many trans folx, I didn't experiment much with dressing, makeup, etc. I tried on the occasional bit of clothing but it felt "bad" and "wrong", mostly because of the thrill it brought me. As I work through this, I realize that the (sexual) thrill is simply the only manifestation of gender feelings I could muster, the only thing my brain would allow me to feel.

Hi Courtney

Its good to hear that you are enjoying your vacation and you are exploring what you can do to make yourself happy.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMI shaved my face as close as possible last night and I have some mineral-based sunblock with a fairly strong bronze tint, but I don't know how well I can hide my whiskers. I brought foundation with me but I haven't broken it out yet, for fear of rocking the boat here. Fortunately, I have hardly any dark hairs left on my face, thanks primarily to my Braun IPL and secondarily to my recent electrologist visits. But the grays start poking out after a day or two.

Speaking of hair removal, I recently read that grays can be "zapped" with the IPL by using carbon dye. Apparently, you can dye the roots darker, which allows the IPL's bright light to "find" those roots and heat them, which is the only way in which it's effective. But best results by far come from waxing the area first, to pull the hairs out and expose the roots, as the remaining gray hair won't take the dye but the roots will. I worry that my facial hairs are still too large in diameter to allow waxing without causing scarring and damage do my skin. Has anyone here waxed their face?

I would say do not shave your face.  Wax the face, that is what I used to do and in my day we did not have IPL.  My routine for taking care of my face, given that I worked week in week out was as follows.

• Friday night party
• Saturday morning beauty treatments which always included electrolysis.  Wax your face if you are going to go out again that night.
• Sunday night wax your face.
• Go to work for the rest of the week.  If any hairs grew during the week they were covered up with make up.  In my case the hairs went white very quickly.
• Rinse and Repeat

I understand your hairs are going grey / white from black I presume.  So the above routine should work for you.  Having a clear face is a god send.  There is a thread were I mentioned the above routine.  I will have to find it and see if I missed any information.

Could you please explain the coloring of the roots like when you wax the roots out so what is the point of dying the roots if they are out?  I'm confused, help me! If that makes sense.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMIn other news, I see some freckles! My recently-shaved arms are a source of great joy, but a couple of days in the bright sun (with sunblock) seem to have brought out adorable freckles that I've never seen before. I've heard many transfeminine people mention this but I didn't think it would happen to me because of my southern Italian heritage (on mom's side).

With your HRT and waxing your legs, eventually the hairs hopefully will become very fine and white like mine.  My legs used to get waxed professionally by the beautician as it was easier and less hassle and if the hairs were long and not waxed stockings would hide them.

My arms I shaved or waxed once.  However it was a pain to do so and nobody noticed or told me about them.  So I forgot all about them. Actually just recently I have looked at my arms and legs and the hairs are so fine and white you have to look real close up to see them.

You got some freckles?  I tell you what, you can have some of mine!  My face is reasonably free of them or not noticeable, but my arms and legs have plenty.  Don't worry I have lived with them all my life so I'm use to them.

Love and Hugs always
Sarah B
@Courtney G

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 09:51:15 AMIt's quite a lot for my brain to process. As you probably recall, my early posts here a couple of years ago were filled with doubts and thoughts of being an impostor. Feeling a thrill about the way I look, whether it's the clothes I'm wearing or my body brings up a lot of shame. Unlike many trans folx, I didn't experiment much with dressing, makeup, etc. I tried on the occasional bit of clothing but it felt "bad" and "wrong", mostly because of the thrill it brought me. As I work through this, I realize that the (sexual) thrill is simply the only manifestation of gender feelings I could muster, the only thing my brain would allow me to feel.

I totally get why you're thrilled. I've been done and done that. A big part of why I no longer look is that I'm old. I've peers who also no longer look. Time isn't kind.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 18, 2024, 05:41:55 PMI totally get why you're thrilled. I've been done and done that. A big part of why I no longer look is that I'm old. I've peers who also no longer look. Time isn't kind.

My house is haunted, "Every time I look in the mirror an old lady blocks the view of myself".  ;D

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMEDIT: Hair transplant update:
My scalp has been mostly numb in the area where the grafts were placed but the numbness is slowly abating. I was pretty alarmed about it but I've read that it can last for a while and that it doesn't affect the viability of the grafts - it's due to trauma to the nerves in the area and they can take some time to reconnect.

It has been over a month since the procedure that the shedding has been moderate. I've read that most of the hair is usually shed after a month, but that just hasn't happened for me. I'd guess that about 40% of the hairs in the transplant area have shed. So there is a chance I won't lost it all. Still, it looks awful to me, a large area in the front of my scalp that remains short and thin-looking, while the rest of my shaved head grows continues to grow in. Oh, well...I signed up for this, and it will be worth it in a few months.

Unless people get really close, they won't notice the patchiness. It's only been 12 days since my procedure, and the top of my head is still quite numb. It never fully recovered from the scalp advance four years ago, so I'm not sure how much feeling will return this time. At least bumping my head is less painful than it used to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Gina P on February 19, 2024, 05:41:20 AMMy house is haunted, "Every time I look in the mirror an old lady blocks the view of myself".  ;D

Ha! My house is also haunted. At least my old lady ghost looks kind. I expect yours does too.

Quote from: Sarah B on February 17, 2024, 11:02:46 AMI would say do not shave your face.  Wax the face, that is what I used to do and in my day we did not have IPL.  My routine for taking care of my face, given that I worked week in week out was as follows.

I understand your hairs are going grey / white from black I presume.  So the above routine should work for you.  Having a clear face is a god send. 

Could you please explain the coloring of the roots like when you wax the roots out so what is the point of dying the roots if they are out?  I'm confused, help me! If that makes sense.

With your HRT and waxing your legs, eventually the hairs hopefully will become very fine and white like mine.  My legs used to get waxed professionally by the beautician as it was easier and less hassle and if the hairs were long and not waxed stockings would hide them.

I'm happy to hear that you were able to wax. As I mentioned, I was under the impression that waxing could lead to skin injury.

The way my IPL works is it burns the hairs down to the roots using a very bright flash of light. It doesn't work on light-colored hairs, like gray or blonde ones. I was able to remove a ton of hair, from both face and body, but the grays remain. The process I'm talking about involves pulling grays out by the root, then using a dye to darken the root area, thus allowing the IPL to do its job. If it works, I will be easier, faster, and MUCH cheaper than going to my electrologist.

The only areas that experience "traditional" hair growth are my lower legs and groin. I've used the IPL to get rid of hair everywhere else. Well, there are a few grays that pop up on my chest, but I'm only talking about a few.

Since shaving my arms a couple of weeks ago and giving them a quick zap with the IPL, I haven't had any visible hairs come back yet. This might be due to having no testosterone.

Hi Courtney

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMI'm happy to hear that you were able to wax. As I mentioned, I was under the impression that waxing could lead to skin injury.

I was young 30 years old when my face was waxed regularly, it's possible if you are much older then the elasticity of the skin might not bounce back as easily.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMThe way my IPL works is it burns the hairs down to the roots using a very bright flash of light. It doesn't work on light-colored hairs, like gray or blonde ones. I was able to remove a ton of hair, from both face and body, but the grays remain. The process I'm talking about involves pulling grays out by the root, then using a dye to darken the root area, thus allowing the IPL to do its job. If it works, I will be easier, faster, and MUCH cheaper than going to my electrologist.

I understand now, the grey hairs remain in place a dye is applied the root absorbs the dye and then IPL can then do its work.  Correct me if I'm wrong please.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMThe only areas that experience "traditional" hair growth are my lower legs and groin. I've used the IPL to get rid of hair everywhere else. Well, there are a few grays that pop up on my chest, but I'm only talking about a few.

I virtually had no hairs on my chest and a couple around the nipples, but tweezers and fingers sorted those out. The snail trail took a couple of waxes over time and HRT I suppose, stopped future growth.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMSince shaving my arms a couple of weeks ago and giving them a quick zap with the IPL, I haven't had any visible hairs come back yet. This might be due to having no testosterone.

Yes, no testosterone and having estrogen, waxing, IPL will get rid of them. Shaving will get rid of them temporarily, stockings will hide them, if you want.

Is your holiday over? let us know how it went for you.

Best wishes, love and hugs always
Sarah B

I'm back from our trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Was home for a day, then back out to Virginia for work. Home tomorrow, then catching a plane in the evening for Florida, where I'll stay for a week. But it's time to write about the trip.

The islands (St Thomas and St John) were beautiful but the roads were horrible. Narrow, rutted roads, with potholes, no painted lines, absurdly steep hills and sharp turns, some rock and dirt roads, burros (donkeys), goats and chickens/roosters in/around the roads. It was an adventure in the tiny rental car. Jeeps are the vehicle of choice there but I wasn't able to secure one. Temps were in the low 80s every day and the sun was always bright and hot. Not my kind of conditions, actually, but my partner was very happy about it and we planned to do lots of snorkeling, so conditions were ideal.

And snorkel, we did. We took 7 or 8 day trips to as many beaches. Each was different, with of coral, and little fishes, turtles, stingrays and other critters as constant companions while we explored the clear blue flats adjacent to the white sand beaches. I was careful to apply sunblock at every turn, opting for the zinc-based formula, which is supposedly safer for daily use and was quite effective. My skin only darkened a small amount and there was no sunburn.

I brought my two swim skirts and one of my bikini tops (couldn't locate the second one). I also brought a TomboyX gender-neutral swim tank. It wasn't possible to conceal my breasts with just the tank, so the plan was to wear a compression top beneath it but prior to packing, my partner produced a couple of (women's) swim tops that no longer fit her. One was sort of a tank top but the other was more like a sports bra and was much more modest than the bikini tops I'd bought, which showed a deep cleavage and lots of boob. But the sports top did reveal a decent amount of cleavage. When I saw the number of people at the beaches, I realized I didn't have the courage to wear the bikini, so the TomboyX tank over the sports top was my choice. She also gave me a pair of ladies shorts that were pretty nondescript but I liked the idea that they weren't made for men and I know she knew that when suggesting them. It was a significant gesture, at a time when I'm very unsure of her level of acceptance.

Even with the tank/top combo, my breasts are too large to hide at this point. It was a pretty weak attempt at boymoding. I was pretty nervous when we got to the first beach and it took me a while to summon the nerve to walk to the water. I feel like I was quite a sight: mostly shaved head with a swim cap over it, thin, hairless arms, shaved legs, closely shaved face, with somewhat male features, tall frame, rounded butt. A real gender mutt.

I finally went in the water and it was lovely, of course. For the first time in my life, I floated! It seems that the increase in body fat allows my lower body to float instead of pulling me down like an anchor. This sign of my changing body was thrilling. Coming out of the water was a different story. The small amount of flattening the tank provided disappeared once everything was wet. I trucked out of the water and to our beach chairs and quickly as possible and hid beneath a towel. But despite my fears, I felt an exhilaration. For perhaps the first time in over 40 years, I felt proud of my body. But not proud enough to quell my fear of ridicule or stares.

This worked for several days, as we visited different beaches. It was difficult, but it got slightly easier with each outing. On one occasion, we had a bit of privacy where we were seated, so I pulled the tank off and sat in my chair in the just the sports top. Again, I felt exhilaration, verging on euphoria.

One one occasion, my girlfriend did something that made me so happy: before snorkeling, we put anti-fog drops on our lenses and I was trying to figure out if my shorts pockets would safely hold the little bottle. She grabbed it and said "there's a little pocket right here" as she put it in a little sewn-in pocket in my sports top, in the space between my boobs. It felt like a girl moment between us.

The last beach day was the most intense. I hadn't planned to do it, but after we got settled in, I took my shirt off and I decided to head into the water with just the sports top and shorts, no tank. It was extremely scary. I walked into the water, with people to the left and right of me and kept walking until I was standing in water up to my shoulders. I just stood there for several minutes, my mind racing. I started to feel everything, this whole gender mess I'm in. Thoughts of "what am I?", "why am I like this?", "I don't know how to do this", "this is hard", "I don't want to be this way" and other thoughts popped into my head. I started to weep.

The weeps turned to sobbing. Tears were running down my face. My girlfriend was standing a few feet behind me and asked "are you ok?" I couldn't even speak because I as crying so hard while facing the open water. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to turn around but found she'd walked back up to our chairs. I hustled back up to the beach with shoulders hunched, arms tight to my side and head down and joined her in our little shady spot in the sand and still couldn't stop crying. She gently suggested I just let my feelings out. She asked what she could do and I whispered "support me" through my sobs. She gently placed her hand on my arm and I cried hard into my towel, the feelings washing over me like the waves of the Caribbean. After some time in the chairs, I found the courage to venture out in that top and felt free and content as I swam around for the next couple of hours.

So...it was hard. The bikini top and swim skirts I bought never made it to the beach. I can't claim that victory. But I made it to the beach and wore female-gendered swimwear. It was really scary, but I did it. Around the rental space, I wore a couple of women's tank tops I own, which is not something I ever do at home. I just love the way I feel and the way my body looks in them. This process is slow for me, but it continues...

Well written.  Reading it created such vivid feelings and images in my mind that it was almost as if I lived it myself. 

It is very hard.  And, I have never done it myself. The only major steps I have made were coming out to my wife and to a friend.  Coming out to my wife was hard.  And, honestly I was only able to do it because I had already decided to kill myself regardless how she reacted.  She talked me into living.  And she has been by my side for 17 years since. 

Your girlfriend seems to be a true friend.  I don't know how all of this is going to affect the relationship, but it seems that she will support you whatever happens.  And, that is wonderful to have (someone who knows you and doesn't run away). 

I would imagine that the trip was the trip of a lifetime.  Thrilling,  scary, beautiful, and she was there with you.

Kudos on your bravery.  You continue to move forward in spite of your fears.  That is courage by any definition.  You should be very proud of yourself.  I hope you took some pictures.  But, I am sure you'll never forget it whether there are pictures or not.

Finally, which was your favorite island?  I would expect it was St John.  But, I am curious.

Don't be to hard on yourself Courtney. We are social creatures and programed to care what others think, to the point of our own unhappiness. Not many are able to say 'f' it and not care. I think you handled the beach very well. Its scary being that exposed. One giant leap/step for Courtney. Congratulations, you survived. Keep on the journey. You know the path is scary but its the right one.
Hugs Gina

I'm glad you had a nice trip, Courtney. The 'early days' of HRT can be quite emotional. We had to pack our emotions away for decades, and HRT weakens the dam which was holding them back.

I've always believed that if transitioning were easy, everyone would do it.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 24, 2024, 08:49:21 PMWell written.  Reading it created such vivid feelings and images in my mind that it was almost as if I lived it myself. 

It is very hard.  And, I have never done it myself. The only major steps I have made were coming out to my wife and to a friend.  Coming out to my wife was hard.  And, honestly I was only able to do it because I had already decided to kill myself regardless how she reacted.  She talked me into living.  And she has been by my side for 17 years since. 

Your girlfriend seems to be a true friend.  I don't know how all of this is going to affect the relationship, but it seems that she will support you whatever happens.  And, that is wonderful to have (someone who knows you and doesn't run away). 

I would imagine that the trip was the trip of a lifetime.  Thrilling,  scary, beautiful, and she was there with you.

Kudos on your bravery.  You continue to move forward in spite of your fears.  That is courage by any definition.  You should be very proud of yourself.  I hope you took some pictures.  But, I am sure you'll never forget it whether there are pictures or not.

Finally, which was your favorite island?  I would expect it was St John.  But, I am curious.

Thanks, Rachel. I'm glad it spoke to you. I'm sorry that you continue to have to hide your true self, but glad that your wife is still by your side. My partner has been very good through all of this, if not totally accepting. I chalk it up to two things: her being a fundamentally good person, and my giving her lots of time to process the changes and to adjust.

St John was much more enjoyable than St Thomas, simply because it was considerably less crowded and developed.

Quote from: Gina P on February 25, 2024, 10:39:28 AMDon't be to hard on yourself Courtney. ...its the right one.

Thanks, hon. As always, I appreciate your friendship.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 26, 2024, 08:05:47 AMI'm glad you had a nice trip, Courtney. The 'early days' of HRT can be quite emotional. We had to pack our emotions away for decades, and HRT weakens the dam which was holding them back.

I've always believed that if transitioning were easy, everyone would do it.

Thanks, Jess. Agreed. This "trans thing" was always pretty abstract to me, a fantasy. Realizing it and dealing with the difficulties and triumphs is quite a lot sometimes.

For those "eggs" reading along (people who happen to be trans but haven't yet come out to themselves ("cracked"), I'll say that while fear and consequences are very real aspects of this, there's lots of joy and a soul-rattling satisfaction to be had by finally scratching this itch. When I'm not worrying, I'm quite happy with what coming out to myself (and others) and HRT has done to validate me and bring me closer to the person I'd always dreamed I could be.

For those who say that you can't start HRT without serious social consequences and lifestyle adjustments, I offer this:

Despite significant changes in my face, body and even my personality, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the people I know and see during the average week have no idea that I've been on HRT for over two years. I have to be careful with clothing choices, and there have been sacrifices, but it has been worth it. I'm still in control of the narrative. I have no regrets.

I'm sorry you had some tough moments Courtney, but I'm really happy you had an overall great time, and you should be really proud of the huge accomplishment!!

Believe me, I will reread that post before the summer when it's my turn at bat, so to speak.

It's nice to know you did all that and, despite your fears, the world did NOT, in fact, stop spinning!  ;D

Congrats again on such a big step!!

Love,
Allie

Hi. I don't post many updates because there isn't much of consequence to report and I don't use this as a "general" blog. Rather, I use it to document the ups and downs of my transition.

That said, stuff is always happening, just not always stuff I can/feel like sharing. Here's a rundown of some things:

Hair

My hair replacement surgery recovery and progress seem to be going as expected, which is to say that some of the transplanted hair has fallen out and needs to start regrowing. This distressing consequence of transplanting hairs was anticipated but not welcomed. That said, I think I've done better than many, because a lot of hairs didn't fall out. But there are lots of "spaces" in between the hairs I can see that make it look as though half of the hairs they transplanted have died, never to return. This is the thing I have to remain calm and patient about.

I look forward to a year from now, when I should have a nice hairline and (hopefully) natural-looking hair, but I try not to think too much about it.

Body

I'd read that body and face changes don't really kick in well when there's testosterone hanging about and recent changes in my face and body shape have seemed to accelerate since my T levels disappeared a few months ago. This is great news. My "natural waist" seems much higher than I thought it would be, up above my belly button.

I've also read (in Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl") that female-appearing secondary sex characteristics, such as body shape, breasts and lack of facial hair tend to have a significant impact on one's ability to be gendered correctly, more than face, even. So I'm holding onto the thought that my ongoing facial hair removal, growing scalp hair and changing body shape might tilt the scales in my favor.

"Me" fail

Last week I stopped in at a friend's house to drop something off. Knocked on the door and his wife answered, looked straight at me, and apprehensively told me she didn't know who I was. I haven't seen her for about a year. She was surprised when I told her it was "me"...I've known her for about 20 years. She told me I looked "healthy" and that I gained weight. I did have a baseball cap on and no facial hair, but I'm still quite surprised that she was unable to recognize me.

Anyway, I was completely stunned. I had a "me" fail. This is good. A sign of progress, for sure

Keystone Conference

The Keystone Conference started in 1989 and is being held in Harrisburg, PA (hence the name). Gina and I are headed there next week for a day of seminars, vendor visits and socializing. I'm planning on dressing for the event - a rare occurrence for me. But way more importantly, I've scheduled a minor makeover with a cosmetologist exhibitor who specializes in working with transfemme people. I'm excited about and I little scared by this. I want to see "her" in the mirror after this person has worked their magic. But what if I don't? Well, I need to know if there's hope, so I'm glad I'm doing it.

Sounds like things are going well. Cheers to your happiness!
A positive attitude goes a long way. I think you are doing great.

Hugs!

Quote from: LoriDee on March 13, 2024, 10:15:38 PMSounds like things are going well. Cheers to your happiness!
A positive attitude goes a long way. I think you are doing great.

Hugs!

Thanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 14, 2024, 11:39:12 AMThanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Stay resilient. Stay Strong.

Embrace a good cry when you need to.

You have a huge cheering section. I am merely one of many. You got this.

Jenn
(enjoy keystone)

Quote from: Courtney G on March 14, 2024, 11:39:12 AMThanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Oh girl, If you can't bring your fear and anxiety here, where can you bring it?  You can bring it here and someday, you'll leave it here.  Someday soon I think.

Love and Hugs to you.
Paulie.



 

Hi. I'm still here. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. In my case, I post here to share my thoughts and feelings for my benefit and to benefit folx like me, rather than journaling about daily stuff, so it takes both the desire and the time to sit down and pour those feelings out.

I'll write a proper update soon - just wanted to say "hi" for now.

EDIT: I've updated my avatar. It was taken at the Keystone conference, after my makeup appointment and a wig purchase. I have to tell the Keystone story. It's a tale of positivity to offset the Scary Island Adventure in my previous post. Stay tuned...

Nice avatar. Very gorgeous girl. You look radiant in that pic and very happy.
Hugs Gina

Thanks, Gina - you've been very kind.

So...about the Keystone Conference:

I'd heard about it online, as it promised to be a pretty big event. The conference has been happening for many years (this was the 13th year). Billed as "A Celebration of Gender Diversity", it's 5 days of workshops and seminars, and lots of fellowship between trans people of all stripes. When I learned about it, I knew I had to go. I mentioned it to my pal, Gina, and she signed on without hesitation. I was excited to be in a totally safe space and I hoped to learn some stuff along the way. We planned on meeting Caela there, which was something we were looking forward to.

I decided to attend on Friday only, although in retrospect, staying overnight would have been better. The day went by quickly...

I drove to Gina's place, wearing jeans (women's Carhartt) and a black tank top with a button-down "boyfriend" shirt in white with light blue stripes. I wanted to wear something that was decidedly female, but reflect my casual style. Not quite androgynous, and less girly than some might have chosen. I felt comfortable. I also packed makeup, sandals, nail polish, some bandanas and some other items, as I planned to get a little more dolled up during the 2 hour drive to the conference. I wore bright red toenail polish beneath my socks and Vans sneakers.

As I've mentioned many times, my hair/hairline presents a challenge. I'm in the really awkward growth phase between my transplant surgery and having a (hopefully) full head of hair. I brought several bandanas but really wanted a pink one, which wasn't among the ones I'd borrowed from my girlfriend (hers had gotten torn up from use). But of course, Gina bought one for me - she's a good friend. As we barreled down the interstate, I started to apply a really pretty lavender nail gloss that I'd bought a few days earlier. I did a pretty good lob, but Gina ended up pulling over so I could finish without struggling and making a mess of myself.

I put some foundation and rouge on, along with some light pink lipstick, then put my sandals on in the parking garage. I knew we were going to be walking a lot but I wanted my painted toenails to show. I was wearing a bra that I really liked.

As soon as we got inside, there were transfemme people everywhere. I'd expected a ton of pretty young trans girls but I was surprised to see that the majority were around our age. I suspect many were like me and weren't out full time. Many had expressive clothing on and lots of makeup. I thought I'd feel "less than" and out of place, but I didn't. A transfemme person couldn't have asked for a more accepting environment. I was a little disappointed at the lack of masc and non-binary  people there, but that's not uncommon in these spaces, unfortunately.

We started sitting in on some of the seminars right away. They were interesting. Perhaps more interesting was the fact that I was sitting there in a tank top, with makeup on and my boobs showing. This was only the second time I'd been out as Courtney despite over 2 years of HRT. I can't overstate the significance of letting my body show after carefully hiding it for so long.

The most profound thing I heard during the seminars was from a 70-something trans woman, who said she identified as bi-gender for nine and a half years, and that she only dressed on the weekends during that time. She said that the best time to take your next step is when you feel uncomfortable with that place you're at. This was not what I was used to hearing. All of my trans friends had been urging me to step outside of my comfort zone, to push myself. But comfort is what I need. Her words were like a salve. I felt relief. I was doing it right.

I had a makeup appointment scheduled right around the time the luncheon started, so I went up to the cosmetologist's room and she got started. As she worked on me, I warned her not to expect a really positive reaction from me. I told her I wanted to see "her" but I really have a hard time doing so. She said she thought I was looking great. She also pointed out that a wig would pull the whole look together. She handed me the mirror after finishing and I had a peep. She did a great job but I couldn't help but see a male face beneath that makeup. I told her it looked "really nice" (or something) and headed down to catch up with Caela, Gina and some new friends, one of which I met on Discord.

I told them that I wished I had a wig that I liked (I owned 5 but none were really working for me) and the next time I saw them, they dragged me to a small vendor area and to a salon/wig place, which happens to be based about an hour from my home. I sat down in front of the stylist (Josh) and he pulled out a blonde wig, suggesting that the color would suit me, while my companions looked on. Their exclamations suggested that it looked pretty good, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw in the mirror.

I started to cry. Hard.

I looked pretty. I looked feminine. I felt like a woman. It was amazing. He tried another one on, but the first one was the one I needed. I bought the wig and walked out of there feeling like I really belonged.

I cannot adequately describe the way I felt for the rest of my time at Keystone. I felt attractive, comfortable in my own skin. I sat in the bar, drink in hand and watched people come and go. I could have people-watched all day, as a feeling of calm had come over me. I went to the bathroom and took a selfie in the mirror. As I walked around, I felt special, pretty. The experience blew my mind.

I wish I could tell you that I decided to come out to everyone after Keystone, that I'm Courtney, full-time, but I'm not. But part of the reason I went to Keystone was to find proof-of-concept that somehow I could be a girl. I feel like I did it - I proved that it's possible. As my hair continues to grow and my body continues to change, I'll be looking forward to the next time I feel safe enough to go out as "her." For now, I'm comfortable where I'm at, and I learned that that's OK.

I'm happy for you, Courtney.

That is a wonderful story, Courtney. I know that feeling of putting on a wig and seeing that woman in the mirror. Wow, she is gorgeous! Oh, that's me. I see me in there!

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for sharing your Keystone story, I love happy endings.

Warm Regards,
Paulie.

Keystone was certainly a fun time, Courtney. Imagine, if you will, a world where Courtney can be out every day. Every day is Keystone and those feelings of comfort in your skin last all day, every day. Not pushing you, but its possible. Hugs
  Your friend Gina

Well done little sister!... Kudos on the brave step forward towards claiming a life that fulfills your spirit!  Many many more amazing discoveries are patiently awaiting you!

Hugs!

A 😀💕🌻

I'm so fortunate to have new gal pals like Ashley, Gina, Athena, Brooke, Caela, Jessica, Heidemarie and Sara in my life these days. We support and lift each other up. It's a wonderful little group. I'd love to get us all together to break bread someday.

I'm 3.5 months post hair transplant and it's really starting to thicken. I'm very fortunate to have not lost all of the transplanted hair, which is unusual. But I did lose a bunch and those lost ones are just starting to sprout. In the meantime, you can see my scalp through the hair in the transplanted area, so I tend to fixate on that. I can't wait for the other hairs to grow in. I suspect it will starting looking very good over the next couple of months. This is like a dream fulfilled and it gives me a confidence boost regarding public transition.

I spent last week growing my facial hair out so I could wax it Thursday, shave Friday morning, and zap the roots with my IPL (I use carbon dye to darken the grayed roots). It grows very slowly these days. This whole facial hair thing is the biggest and hardest project for me right now. It's hard for me to wear makeup when I just see the whiskers screaming through. Anyway, I got my face pretty cleared up so I decided to put my nice wig on. I purposely put it right below my "new" (post transplant) hairline because I wanted to get an idea as to how much forehead I'm dealing with. It's not the lowest hairline but I think it's pretty reasonable.

I didn't look bad, so I put some concealer, foundation, powder and lipstick on and boom, there she was again. I was quite surprised, as it's taking less effort to look female these days. Kinda gives me hope.

I didn't spend much time like that, but I felt that same calm come over me that I experienced during Keystone. It's a very telling feeling. But I don't think I'm ready to go out in public like that, aside from maybe a drive somewhere.

Baby steps. They're the only steps I'm able to take.

(https://i.imgur.com/cMxO11D.jpeg)

Looking good, Courtney!

I'd like to know about the carbon dye you use. I have two IPL machines that I have used on my legs, but with a gray beard, it didn't work. I am like you that I get so frustrated shaving only to have whickers pop through. I was advised once to use concealer with a pink tint to cover the shadows. I found that a light touch of pink lipstick works, then use a sponge to work it into the area and spread it out so it blends in. Dyeing the whiskers to use the IPL is something I considered, but I didn't think it would get deep enough into the follicle to work. Please share your wisdom oh great wise sister.

Great to see your beautiful face posted and no 'face app' logo. Amazing how far you have come sister. Looking great.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Courtney G on May 04, 2024, 07:29:27 PMI'm so fortunate to have new gal pals like Ashley, Gina, Athena, Brooke, Caela, Jessica, Heidemarie and Sara in my life these days. We support and lift each other up. It's a wonderful little group. I'd love to get us all together to break bread someday.

Hey! I am super happy you have a support network. I am happy for all of you.

No one does this alone. thanks for the update.

~Jenn

Quote from: LoriDee on May 04, 2024, 10:22:55 PMLooking good, Courtney!

I'd like to know about the carbon dye you use. I have two IPL machines that I have used on my legs, but with a gray beard, it didn't work. I am like you that I get so frustrated shaving only to have whickers pop through. I was advised once to use concealer with a pink tint to cover the shadows. I found that a light touch of pink lipstick works, then use a sponge to work it into the area and spread it out so it blends in. Dyeing the whiskers to use the IPL is something I considered, but I didn't think it would get deep enough into the follicle to work. Please share your wisdom oh great wise sister.

Sorry for the delayed reply. Thank you! And thanks for the tip regarding the pink lipstick! I'd read about carbon dye as a solution for grays, so I'm giving it a try but the jury is still out as to whether it will be effective. I'm waxing as much of my face as I can tolerate (it hurts) then shaving very closely, then applying the dye to my skin, wiping the surface dye off with alcohol. The idea is that some dye will find its way into the root where it will absorb the heat from the IPL. It's also possible that the hairs I didn't extract by waxing will get a little dyed and will also get the zap.

I'll try it this way for a couple more months (about once every 10 days, as time allows) and see if I continue to get a reduction in facial hairs. It's a pain because I have to let my whiskers grow for at least a week in order to get enough for waxing (they grow slowly these days). So it's going to be some time before I can report back regarding the effectiveness.

For me, those facial hairs seem to come screaming through the foundation - it's a real dysphoria trigger - they're all I seem to focus on, sometimes. I've had several electrolysis sessions, but the cost really adds up, as you know!

Quote from: Gina P on May 05, 2024, 07:35:21 AMGreat to see your beautiful face posted and no 'face app' logo. Amazing how far you have come sister. Looking great.
Hugs Gina

Thanks, hon. I wish I was where you're at, but I am what I am (Popeye).

Quote from: Jenn104 on May 05, 2024, 04:46:44 PMHey! I am super happy you have a support network. I am happy for all of you.

No one does this alone. thanks for the update.

~Jenn

Thank you, Jenn. I totally agree. You know, you're on my short list of people from here who I'd like to hang out with!!

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2024, 08:07:46 PMThank you, Jenn. I totally agree. You know, you're on my short list of people from here who I'd like to hang out with!!

Hey Courtney  - come hang out here in the halloween capitol of the universe. Seriously-- we should figure out a weekend.

~Jenn

Thanks, Courtney!

I found the dye online and ordered some. It arrives tomorrow. I have tried waxing, so I know what you mean. Ouch, but when I was camping I would spend hours yanking them one at a time. And it does take forever for them to grow out. At least the wax is quick. I am anxious to see how well it works. Let's compare notes! Thanx again for the tip!

So I decided to try the dye without waxing first. I shaved with a blade as close as possible, then rubbed the dye into the pores. I must have lost the applicator sponge, so I just used my finger. Yikes. That stuff does not wipe off, nor rinse off. A disposable glove would have been a smart move. Hindsight is 20/20.

I cleaned the dye off with rubbing alcohol, then fired up my IPL machine. It is a LumaRx which is designed for clinical use in salons, so it is powerful. How powerful? Ever smack yourself in the lip with a rubber band? Ouch does not even come close.

The machine is so powerful that each time I hit the "zap" button, it tripped my circuit breaker. Yay for built-in surge protection. I managed to zap, reset, zap, reset, zap, and reset enough times to get the "goatee" area of the upper lip and chin.

Then I scrubbed everything with rubbing alcohol. Did I say OUCH!? Yeah, it probably would have been less painful to grind rock salt in my eyes. Jeez Louise, what was I thinking? I finished off with some cooling aloe gel. That wasn't enough, so I sat with a cold wet hand towel on my face for about twenty minutes then reapplied the aloe. So far, so good.

I don't know if it worked or not. Time will tell. I'm still scrubbing carbon dust out of my pores. I hope this turns out to be worth it. I'd gladly do it once a month if it does.

Quote from: LoriDee on May 31, 2024, 08:53:17 PMSo I decided to try the dye without waxing first. I shaved with a blade as close as possible, then rubbed the dye into the pores. I must have lost the applicator sponge, so I just used my finger. Yikes. That stuff does not wipe off, nor rinse off. A disposable glove would have been a smart move. Hindsight is 20/20.

I cleaned the dye off with rubbing alcohol, then fired up my IPL machine. It is a LumaRx which is designed for clinical use in salons, so it is powerful. How powerful? Ever smack yourself in the lip with a rubber band? Ouch does not even come close.

The machine is so powerful that each time I hit the "zap" button, it tripped my circuit breaker. Yay for built-in surge protection. I managed to zap, reset, zap, reset, zap, and reset enough times to get the "goatee" area of the upper lip and chin.

Then I scrubbed everything with rubbing alcohol. Did I say OUCH!? Yeah, it probably would have been less painful to grind rock salt in my eyes. Jeez Louise, what was I thinking? I finished off with some cooling aloe gel. That wasn't enough, so I sat with a cold wet hand towel on my face for about twenty minutes then reapplied the aloe. So far, so good.

I don't know if it worked or not. Time will tell. I'm still scrubbing carbon dust out of my pores. I hope this turns out to be worth it. I'd gladly do it once a month if it does.

I really hope this works for you, Lori! If I come up with any tips or hacks, I'll let you know. It would be good to compare notes.

Gina and I went fishing on Thursday. She's a fine fisherwoman, for sure. I'd put a cami with shelf bra and some tight Wranger women's jeans on earlier in the day and though I would change into baggy fishing pants and a sports bra/loose fishing shirt for fishing but I decided to leave the outfit on and put the fishing shirt over the cami as its puffy pockets do a great job of concealing the girls.

Once out on the water in the warm sun and with no people around, I took the fishing shirt off and fishing in my girl clothes. Gosh, it felt SO good. I was proud of my body. Gina's compliments didn't hurt. I'm starting to feel like I could start to go out my as my true self, especially as my transplanted hair continues to grow in. I think I'm going to start messing with a little concealer and/or foundation from time to time, so smooth my skin tone out a bit. It's all still so scary and my partner doesn't really want any of this to happen.

My hair is growing in wonderfully. My transplants seem to have been a success. I'll know better in a few months, when the next wave of hairs pop out of the roots (I hope). It looks great now, but it's thinner than the rest of the hair on my head, due to the fact that the follicles aren't yet producing the full number of hairs that they should (they can produce up to 5 or 6 hairs per follicle). One bummer is that I had to get my hair cut, since the top was much shorter than the rest, so my hair is pretty short right now. But I'm so proud of it - the whole thing has been life-changing.

I wonder, with both glee and fear, what is going to happen with my breasts. I've gotten more than I ever wished for but my compression bras and getting increasingly snug and hiding is a daily challenge during the warm months. I sometimes wish they belonged to someone who could make better use of them. I hope I'm soon able to honor this gift that nature has bestowed on me.

Thanks for sharing. I love being out on the water too, but haven't been fishing in ten years. I have found I get too busy studying the geology and looking for clues of gold in the area.  ;D

I felt the same way at first, about the girls. I knew that eventually it would be difficult to hide them. I used that time, like you said, to work on makeup, build my inventory of clothing and jewelry, expand my variety of wigs. I spent so much time working on other things, that I stopped worrying about the girls and just gradually slid into all-girl mode.

I know your situation is different. I live alone, so I can practice things in privacy before actually imposing myself upon the world. But it will get easier. The more you do it, the more experience you have, so the less fearsome things become.

I am so happy your hair is doing well. (so jealous.  :laugh: )

Quote from: Courtney G on June 01, 2024, 12:53:59 PM- - - - - -
    {snipped text}
         - - - - - -
I wonder, with both glee and fear, what is going to happen with my breasts. I've gotten more than I ever wished for but my compression bras and getting increasingly snug and hiding is a daily challenge during the warm months. I sometimes wish they belonged to someone who could make better use of them. I hope I'm soon able to honor this gift that nature has bestowed on me.

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
The old adage of "be careful what you wish for" might apply to what you stated.

Earlier in my transition before I went Full-time my breast size zoomed past A and B cups and ended up fairy quickly with an overflowing C cup... it was no easy task of hiding those girls.  But when it was all said and done, I did get what I wished for, but just a little quicker than planned.

You look great by the way.  I am glad that your hair issues are approaching your expectations.

Keep posting, updating and sharing... the rest of your followers and I are always eagerly following your life endeavors.

Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Thanks, Danielle and Lori, for chiming in! Yes, my breasts are way past the tipping point. Hiding them seems to become more difficult every day. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. They are truly amazing.

My hair is really looking great - I'll have to post a photo soon. I also noticed that the thinning on my crown is going away. I have estradiol to thank for that.

I've been considering an orchiectomy. It would eliminate the need for spironolactone and would allow a wider range of wardrobe options in the future. Plus, it would make me happy. I do have some concern about losing function but my T is pretty much gone and everything works, so it shouldn't have any affect on performance, should it? Your input would be appreciated. There's that tiny voice in my head that says "you can't turn back from that" but really, I'm already past the point of no return, lol.

I shaved and zapped my chin with the IPL yesterday and stared in the mirror. I have short hair, had no makeup or wig on yet I saw something. I saw her. My face continues to change. The face in the mirror was softer than ever, kind of feminine. I can't tell you all how nice that feels. Makes me really want to get rid of those dark hairs on my chin, once and for all.

I'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Your fears are understandable. I have no desire to walk around with a target on my back in the worst state in the country for LGBTQ+ safety. But I am going in the opposite direction, not hiding. Out more, and pushing my safety concerns as reasons I need surgery NOW.

RE: the orchiectomy. I felt the same way at first. I researched the various types of bottom surgery, it appears that it does not affect function (unless nerves get damaged). I have a cis friend who had cancer and had his testicles and prostate removed. He is still fully functional and can get and maintain an erection. The only difference is ejaculation is dry.

For me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

I don't know if you already know this but thought it might be something you want to consider.

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2024, 08:04:17 PMI'd read about carbon dye as a solution for grays, so I'm giving it a try but the jury is still out as to whether it will be effective. I'm waxing as much of my face as I can tolerate (it hurts) then shaving very closely, then applying the dye to my skin, wiping the surface dye off with alcohol. The idea is that some dye will find its way into the root where it will absorb the heat from the IPL. It's also possible that the hairs I didn't extract by waxing will get a little dyed and will also get the zap.

I tried the carbon dye about 5-6 years ago on my chest.  That's where I had most of the grey hairs that the ILP wouldn't work on.  I couldn't get it into the pores and it just made a mess so I only tried it the one time.  It never occurred to me to try waxing or even my epilator before applying the dye.  My chest hairs are not as corse since starting the HRT, but if the waxing works for you, I may try it again.

The only place I really have any dark hair to speak of is on my face.  It's about 50/50 gray/dark.  My ILP instructions said not to use on your face, and of course I did try it there anyway. Damn did it hurt, so I stopped, thinking maybe it was not be safe.  Maybe I'll try that again too?  The facial hair really bother me too, especially the darker ones.

@Paulie

The reason for waxing or epilating first is so the pore is freshly opened and you can rub the dye down deep. I tried it just by shaving and it didn't work. I had the power on the IPL turned up to max and burned my face in three spots. Not bad, but like a sunburn. Yes, ouch.

Quote from: Courtney G on June 07, 2024, 06:54:12 PMI'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Hey Courtney-- I deeply respect your sentiments. I agree we live in dangerous times and that danger bears watching. There's also a lot of hope out there. Watch the news but don't let it consume you. Live your best life.

~Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on June 08, 2024, 05:03:59 AMHey Courtney-- I deeply respect your sentiments. I agree we live in dangerous times and that danger bears watching. There's also a lot of hope out there. Watch the news but don't let it consume you. Live your best life.

~Jenn

I agree with Jenn. Don't let the news consume you. There will always be a doomsday forecast. Y2k,Covid, Mayan calendar, you name it. The best we can do is to just live our lives in the best way we can. This too shall pass.

Quote from: Courtney G on June 07, 2024, 06:54:12 PMMy hair is really looking great - I'll have to post a photo soon. I also noticed that the thinning on my crown is going away. I have estradiol to thank for that.

I shaved and zapped my chin with the IPL yesterday and stared in the mirror. I have short hair, had no makeup or wig on yet I saw something. I saw her. My face continues to change. The face in the mirror was softer than ever, kind of feminine. I can't tell you all how nice that feels. Makes me really want to get rid of those dark hairs on my chin, once and for all.

I'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Glad to hear that your hair is coming along nicely. It's difficult having to wait so long, but the results are usually worth it.

Those first few times you see 'her' in the mirror are unforgettable. When you see those first glimpses of who you really are, after thinking it is someone you can never be. That is what helped push me along.

In many states, the 'awkward' stage can be rough. It seems that if your gender isn't easily discernable, some people are much more likely to give you a hard time. That's one reason why I waited as long as I could before 'flipping the switch'. Once I became 'Jessica', 'he' never returned.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: LoriDee on June 07, 2024, 10:31:16 PMFor me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

Valid thought. I strongly feel that I'll be OK with keeping my original equipment but it's important to realize that my thinking could change. I never thought I'd come out to myself but here I am, so...

Quote from: Paulie on June 08, 2024, 12:41:37 AMI tried the carbon dye about 5-6 years ago on my chest.  That's where I had most of the grey hairs that the ILP wouldn't work on.  I couldn't get it into the pores and it just made a mess so I only tried it the one time.  It never occurred to me to try waxing or even my epilator before applying the dye.  My chest hairs are not as corse since starting the HRT, but if the waxing works for you, I may try it again.

The only place I really have any dark hair to speak of is on my face.  It's about 50/50 gray/dark.  My ILP instructions said not to use on your face, and of course I did try it there anyway. Damn did it hurt, so I stopped, thinking maybe it was not be safe.  Maybe I'll try that again too?  The facial hair really bother me too, especially the darker ones.

I read up and watched some videos and it was explained to me that the dye won't get past the grays into the root, that you must pull the grays (waxing) and rub the dye into the roots. Not sure if it's working as the process takes time and effort, but I'm giving it a go. Way, way cheaper than electrolysis and my IPL has saved me thousands so far.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on June 08, 2024, 10:07:01 AMIn many states, the 'awkward' stage can be rough. It seems that if your gender isn't easily discernable, some people are much more likely to give you a hard time. That's one reason why I waited as long as I could before 'flipping the switch'. Once I became 'Jessica', 'he' never returned.

I've had similar thoughts. My (trans) friends have pushed me a bit to come out - with the best of intentions of course, but I've lacked the confidence. Since starting HRT, my skin has changed, my face shape changed, significant facial hair, body shape changes and of course, my scalp hair is growing in. It still feels a way off, but I sort of feel I have the tools for a public transition now and can't say I've ever felt that before.

Quote from: LoriDee on June 07, 2024, 10:31:16 PMYour fears are understandable. I have no desire to walk around with a target on my back in the worst state in the country for LGBTQ+ safety. But I am going in the opposite direction, not hiding. Out more, and pushing my safety concerns as reasons I need surgery NOW.

RE: the orchiectomy. I felt the same way at first. I researched the various types of bottom surgery, it appears that it does not affect function (unless nerves get damaged). I have a cis friend who had cancer and had his testicles and prostate removed. He is still fully functional and can get and maintain an erection. The only difference is ejaculation is dry.

For me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

I don't know if you already know this but thought it might be something you want to consider.

I've been doing the exact same research Lori, and I think I landed right where you did.

Courtney I was there too - thinking an Orchi might actually be a good step... but I really don't want multiple surgeries. Unless I concluded an Orchi would be enough for me, which I really don't believe, I think zero depth is my plan. Even my wife has read up on this and that's what she mentioned.

I know most people do that third in terms of the surgeries, but oddly I would wish to do that first. Even though I know FFS makes the most sense.

Oh and Courtney... all that political talk?

The issue does NOT poll well. Most people don't really care about the trans issue. Poll after poll backs this up. There's SOME evidence they've been swayed that there's some harm to young children being "forced" to have surgery when they are five years old (like this happens), and some do agree with the athletics issue (when hit over the head with it)... but otherwise most people fall into the "live and let live" category.

I too considered zero-depth. I am asexual so I really don't need any depth. But the more I thought about it I kept thinking what if something changes? What if I am 92 and in a nursing home and meet someone who changes my mind? Maybe I would want it available then. So don't just think about what you want today. Think about what you might want or need in the future. I decided that I didn't want to limit my options. So it is all the way for me.

Quote from: LoriDee on June 08, 2024, 11:48:35 PMI too considered zero-depth. I am asexual so I really don't need any depth. But the more I thought about it I kept thinking what if something changes? What if I am 92 and in a nursing home and meet someone who changes my mind? Maybe I would want it available then. So don't just think about what you want today. Think about what you might want or need in the future. I decided that I didn't want to limit my options. So it is all the way for me.

You 92-year old minx, you!! 😘

Totally understand.

For me:
1. Hopefully being able to avoid doing hair removal down there;
2. Not having to worry about dilation
3. The fact that I'm about to celebrate my 34th wedding anniversary with the only person I've ever loved...

All least me to zero depth making sense.

But I will now add "what if I become the lascivious Lana of the nursing home" to the "cons" section of the list before making my final decision when the time comes. 😉. In all seriousness, I think I would go into a consult with ZD in mind, but always be open to listen all options.

An update is in the works, I just have to get it out of my head and onto the page.

In the meantime, today marks two years and six months on HRT. As I reflect on that, two feelings come to mind:
I'm stunned
I'm grateful

I'm stunned that this time has passed so quickly, that I've experienced so many changes, new friends and experiences. Stunned that I actually did this; I can't believe I took this leap after sitting on the bench for so much of my life. I can't believe I went through with it.

I'm grateful for this gift I've been given. To want things for yourself is a part of human nature, as is denying yourself many of those things, for various reasons. There were a million reasons for me to stay closeted and not do this Thing. I was sure I'd take this secret to my grave, that I wouldn't have the right to realize the fulfillment of this dream. But I did it. It continues to be painful and challenging but nothing could replace the soul-level satisfaction I've felt at having scratched this itch. I'm grateful that my body has been so good to me, rewarding me abundantly for pointing its chemistry in the right direction, as though it wanted to run on estrogen all this time. I wish the same for anyone who's reading this but hasn't made the leap.

A bit of an update:

I was upstate in NY last weekend and took a day to visit with a trans feminine friend with whom I've gotten pretty close. We had some very frank conversation and grabbed a meal together. I'm only the second real live trans person she's seen in person, so my visit was very important to her. She's in her 60s and remains closeted due to her line of work. As she continues her HRT and moves toward figuring out how to manage her transition, she needs the extra support, so I'm glad I was able to visit with her.

A great time was had at a pride group picnic by Gina and I this past weekend. For anyone reading along who hasn't been to one, I highly recommend it. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more diverse and accepting environment. And it's always nice to spend time with Gina. I got to wear some cute clothes, makeup and my blond wig. I felt pretty. I really wish I could finish off the pesky dark whiskers that remain on my chin. Getting there...

I spent a bit of time after the picnic, fully dressed at home, in the company of my girlfriend. This was a MAJOR step, as she has never seen me dressed. It went better than expected. I still feel that my coming out full-time could be a bridge too far for her/us, but taking it slowly seems to have benefitted our relationship. I kept my fingernails painted for a day or so, then had to remove it, but my toenails remain a pretty shade of purple (my favorite). My legs are shaved.

I've been wearing mostly cami tanks at home during these hot weather days and I find it extremely affirming. Looking at my body from the neck down, it's looking 100% female. My lower waist is accumulating fat, which makes my waist look smaller. I have a couple of pairs of women's shorts and prefer those, along with my ladies' jeans - haven't worn boy jeans in months. Makes me want to work on my face and try to achieve a more passable look.

I've always been a bit of a character - a good actor, comic and mimic, as well as a musician who has sung a lot of high-pitched harmonies. These skills seem to be coming in handy, as I find it fairly easy to modify my comportment to a more feminine style when I choose to. Gina took a photo of me on the phone at the picnic and we had a laugh about the way my hand was on my hip. It feels natural to express myself with my arms and hands and I continue to be aware of my gait and my overall body language.

I went with Gina for her rhinoplasty consult yesterday and managed to piggyback my own consult with the surgeon with hers. We both were put in the same examination room, so the doctor didn't have to explain everything twice. The doc explained that he felt that a "ski slope" shape would work with my longer nose/face and he pointed out Brad Pitt's current partner, Inés de Ramón as an example of the type of face/nose combination I'd lean towards. Seeing her photo was a bit of a stretch, but her nose on my face would be heavenly! I'm super excited about this and really want to move forward with it. I'm reaching the point at which I'm willing to sell some stocks and forego some of the (minimal) long-term financial stability I've accrued in order to satisfy my life's desire to become the correct person.

But the biggest news of all if my partner's reaction to the last bit. I figured the nose job would be a "bridge" (joke) too far, but she took it in stride. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I don't think it will happen. This might actually happen for me - I can't believe it. I've said for a long time that three things were in my way: facial hair, lack of scalp hair and my face structure/shape and I feel hopeful that I'm getting all three sorted as I work through this process.

That's a wonderful update, Courtney!

I love hearing good news; it sounds like you had a good time. I also think your expectations are realistic. Nose, facial hair, and scalp are reachable goals. I am happy that you are getting things done so you can mark them off your checklist.

Good luck!

Another pride group picnic last weekend. My pal Gina went with me, of course. I was very stressed on the way there, as I had to rush to get ready - I was traveling for work and had a very busy week, so there was a lot of built-up pressure. Anyway, I felt it dissipate when we arrived at the picnic. It was great to see familiar faces - friends from our Zoom meetings, some of whom I met in person last year. Good people and a completely accepting environment. I highly recommend attending one of these if you haven't, especially if you're not out publicly. Face time with people in the queer community is like a salve for the trans soul.

I wore a cute skirt that my best friend bought me, along with a pink cami with shelf bra. The outfit was wonderful, and my blonde wig completed the look. I was happy to display my breasts, happy about the strong gender signal they send, proud of my development. I thought they were big last year, but Gina and I compared photos from last year's event to this one and the difference is astonishing.

I had a great time, but my makeup wasn't very good, as it was a rush job - it was mostly foundation, so it looked too much like my face was molded out of clay. No personality. And I really struggle with the remaining dark hairs on my chin. I can't look in a mirror because those hairs just scream at me and I feel very dysphoric.

I enjoyed dressing up so much, I decided to dress again the following night, taking a more deliberate approach to my makeup. The results pleased me - I felt "pretty." This astonished me. In a sea of dysphoria, I felt a wave of euphoria come over me. Maybe I have a chance.

I'm feeling a sense of momentum. So much has happened and much is in the works. I have a follow up with the plastic surgeon in a couple of weeks and it's likely I'll schedule a rhinoplasty - that's pretty seismic. In addition, I had the first of a series of laser sessions on my chin this week. My trusty Braun IPL has struggled mightily with the pesky chin stubble. If I'm to have a fighting chance, those dark hairs have to go. I felt amazing after the laser treatment, feeling as though I'm entering a more advanced level of effort toward being who I want to be.

It certainly was a nice time at the picnic. Its so nice to see you enjoying yourself as 'Courtney'! Better times are to follow as you travel further down the rabbit hole.
Your friend
Gina

Local Pride on, not sure if I would go.

UPDATE:

My rhinoplasty/septoplasty is scheduled for 9/16. I simply can't believe it. I'm hoping it helps feminize my face. I believe it will.

I've only had one laser session, but it managed to zap about 80% of the remaining dark hairs on my chin. I have 5 more sessions, so there's no doubt that these treatments will take care of the dark hairs, which remain a major source of dysphoria.

The above two items are 2/3 of my dysphoria trifecta, with my hair loss being the third. I'm on track to correct all three and I'm hoping I find it in myself to be more accepting/closer to my true self after this is finished.

Therapy with my partner is going well. I feel we've made several breakthroughs regarding better communication and conflict resolution, as well as discussing intimacy in a meaningful way. I consider myself fortunate. We're closer than ever lately.

We bought a house! A beautiful place on the Chesapeake Bay. One house away from the water. It's like a dream. We can finally sell our two houses and consolidate. I've never even lived in a home with a dishwasher or central AC and this is just way beyond. My only concern is that it's a *very* rural area and I don't expect to find much support there. I figure I'll have to travel a ways to interact with other trans people. I'll miss my good friend Gina. Fortunately, I won't be moving for several months, with early 2025 being likely (I have two houses to prepare for sale!).

My doc switched me to blood tests every 6 months instead of 3. I'm happy about the convenience and money saved, but feel curious about my levels. I'd really like to get an orchiectomy.

I always love to hear good news! I hope you surgery goes well, and congratulations on finding a new home!

Love always -- Jess

I will miss our days fishing and hanging out too. As far as your neighbors, how many know and support you where you live now? You will make new friends and I will visit once and a while. The media tends to paint a gloom and doom picture that is not always true.
That house sounds great and near the water, I have to say I'm a little envious.
Your friend 
Gina

Quote from: Gina P on August 17, 2024, 06:02:35 AMI will miss our days fishing and hanging out too. As far as your neighbors, how many know and support you where you live now? You will make new friends and I will visit once and a while. The media tends to paint a gloom and doom picture that is not always true.
That house sounds great and near the water, I have to say I'm a little envious.
Your friend
Gina

I will, as well, Gina. You know you're always welcome at the new place - I hope you'll come and visit.

I've joined an area LGBTQ+ Facebook group and had a couple of IM conversations with queer people who are local to my new home. This gives me hope. The nearest proper town is about 20 miles away but there is a small community there I hope to hook up with.

This move is pretty scary to me. I've never lived outside of the state in which I was born. On the other hand, I didn't want to live out the rest of my life without experiencing a proper change of scenery. And living next to water has been a lifelong dream.

I can't overstate my excitement about my upcoming cosmetic surgery. Less than 2 weeks from now, I'll eschew my big Italian nose, with its distinctive "bump." It will be replaced by a slender, more feminine version, which will be long like my long face. What will I look like? Will this help "flip the switch" that seems to keep me from seeing the version of myself I dream about when I look in the mirror? My hair is thicker and longer, but still short and my dark facial hairs are almost completely gone. Replacing my very male-looking nose feels like the missing puzzle piece that's required to put Courtney together. How will my partner react to my changed face? Will she "get it?" Will she understand that it's what I need? Or will she be put off by it? We're closing on the house a few days after my surgery and it would be nearly impossible to pull out of the contract. I doubt she'd want to, but the thought does cross my mind.

Finally, I had this thought today. Perhaps it will benefit others. If you:

• Always thought it would be nice to be a girl (or boy, if you're afab)
• Fantasized about being the opposite gender, but don't necessarily feel "trapped."
• Focus on one or more things, but not necessarily everything. Like, if you just wish you had the body of your preferred gender, or wish you could wear the appropriate clothes for that gender

...you're more than "trans enough." You don't need to reach a certain "level" of desire or to be unable to function without transitioning or desire bottom surgery to be trans. You're possibly already trans, even if you wonder if just feels like some sort of envy. It's a feeling only you can define, possibly with the help of a therapist and/or some reading on the subject.

Quote from: Courtney G on August 30, 2024, 10:02:22 AMFinally, I had this thought today. Perhaps it will benefit others. If you:

• Always thought it would be nice to be a girl (or boy, if you're afab)
• Fantasized about being the opposite gender, but don't necessarily feel "trapped."
• Focus on one or more things, but not necessarily everything. Like, if you just wish you had the body of your preferred gender, or wish you could wear the appropriate clothes for that gender

[/list]

...you're more than "trans enough." You don't need to reach a certain "level" of desire or to be unable to function without transitioning or desire bottom surgery to be trans. You're possibly already trans, even if you wonder if just feels like some sort of envy. It's a feeling only you can define, possibly with the help of a therapist and/or some reading on the subject.

Well said, Courtney.

I am glad you found a group near your new home. That can be a big help as you transition to a new neighborhood. Of course, you will always have your fans here too!

After I had surgery on my eyes, with stitches and bruising, I thought, "What did I just do?" I noticed tiny flaws in things I asked the surgeon to address that seemed unchanged. After I healed up, I could see the difference. The surgeon knows with relative certainty what the end result will look like. For those going through it, we see the bruising and swelling. As you heal up, you will notice more and more that you got the look you wanted and because it will be a gradual process of healing, others will become accustomed to it. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Keep us informed on how you are doing, and pictures of your new place, if you wish.

Wishing you all the best!

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
I really enjoyed reading your recent updates.  I am excited for you regarding your new home in
a very small rural town.  As you may be aware, when I relocated to Alaska I ended up in a very
small rural town that is hours away from any kind of larger town with shopping malls and doctor offices.

The good and the bad news about living in a small town is that everyone knows you and you will
find that you will eventually know about just about everyone else. 

I look at this as a positive thing as I have found complete acceptance here.
The key for me was to get involved in some local civic activities and local clubs where I could
meet and greet local people and eventually make new friends and acquaintances.  Because I established
my new woman owned business as a CPA and Financial Advisor... I dressed and acted accordingly as
a respectable woman.  I did not shove my trans-woman status in anyone's face. 
In my early HUNTED PREY blog thread that is all described at the beginning of that thread.
      https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,236395.msg2123029.html#msg2123029

I am wishing you well with your new home and living your life as Courtney in your new town.
Please keep your updates coming... along with your other avid followers I will be eagerly reading your
continuing story.

Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Thanks, Danielle and Lori, for reading along and chiming in. Knowing that someone is following helps to make this worthwhile. Lori, I will post a pic or two of the new place soon, I promise!

I would like to be out as me in the new place, would like to just land there as Courtney. But my partner isn't quite ready for that. So if I do, some of the community will know me as "that dude that became a girl" or whatever they decide to call me. I just hope that the people who don't support me leave me alone. I hope I find the strength to paddle around the shore of the bay in a suitable top.

My rhinoplasty is tomorrow and I'm excited and a bit worried. I'm worried that I won't see "her" after it's done. A nose can transform the look of one's face. Will this do that for me? 2 1/2+ years of HRT has done a lot, as has my hair transplant. But I worry that it won't be enough to give me a fighting chance. I've thought about putting makeup on several times over the past few weeks but haven't really felt excited about it. I feel that it's a half-measure, that I need my new nose first. Has anyone else felt that way?

Holy moly, did those laser sessions work on my face! I've only had two sessions and I'm only seeing a few dark hairs left - I mean almost none. This is a good thing because I might not be able to get back there after next week's session. I found out about a reputable electrolysist in Philly who happens to be a trans woman, so I hope to make several trips into the city to have her work on the many gray hairs that remain.

Regarding the move, I've been very busy with packing and preparing and expect to start loading a POD late next week. Then the real fun begins: cleaning and painting. And so much more packing. I've been selling some items and will be donating some furniture, but there's just so much. As an aside, I've donated a lot of clothing. Most of my men's slacks just won't fit around my waist and butt, and many of my shirts don't work with my newly configured chest. It would be great to have more clothes that flatter my shape rather than de-emphasize it. Oh, well.

That would be nice to start fresh as Courtney. New place, new life. Hope your partner sees how that could benefit both of you, instead of starting fresh and then shifting gears later.

Good luck with the rhinoplasty. I think that once the swelling and bruising heals you will see Courtney more than ever.

Hugs!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 11, 2024, 08:30:00 PMThat would be nice to start fresh as Courtney. New place, new life. Hope your partner sees how that could benefit both of you, instead of starting fresh and then shifting gears later.

I'd consider that, but I have to proceed at a pace that suits both of us. As my hair grows out and my nose heals, I hope to get back to dressing a bit and maybe take some trips to the closest cities (Wilmington, DE, Baltimore, MD and Harrisburg, PA). I've already located a few peeps in the Baltimore area, thanks to Discord.

My nose surgeon follow-up isn't until Wednesday but I'm proceeding as instructed, which includes a saline rinse of the inside of my nose. I now know why it was so hard to breathe - two giant pieces of bio-dissolvable packing came out and air went rushing up the newly cleared passages. I'm hoping for a better night's sleep tonight!

Sleep will be a good thing, since we're closing on the new home tomorrow. I have a moving container arriving on Thursday and have many boxes packed, so we're going to start loading the container this week. A lot of old furniture will be donated. I have a lot of work to do on my home to prep it for sale. Even in this seller's market, certain expectations must be met if I want a quick sale.

Glad to hear your surgery went well!

Moving is always an interesting experience. You'll find things that had been 'missing' since your last move, and other items you don't even remember. Sometimes you'll just pack them up again, and they won't be seen until the next move.

I understand your desire to make a fresh start, that's one of the reasons Susan and I moved a few years ago. However, I think keeping your partner happy is very important. You can always relocate, but finding someone who truly cares for you is often quite rare. I hope everything works out well.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hi, all. It's been a while, so I figured I should post a brief update, in case anyone happens to be reading along.

The move is mostly completed, which is to say my house is empty and on the market. The response to the listing has been overwhelming: 22 showings scheduled from yesterday through Monday after the listing went live on Friday afternoon. No inventory in my area, let alone at my price point. I'm hoping for a bidding war.

Chaos ensues at the new home. We have so much stuff. The basement is very important to me, as it's my business's base of operations and my music area, fishing storage, home repair stuff, etc. And it's also the garage. But it's very big, so I hope to keep it tidy and organized. I figure I'm going to need a year to get it sorted.

The neighborhood is amazing. We've gotten a warm welcome as a man and woman. But I don't know how they'll feel if/when they know about Courtney. Honestly, fear of the reactions of others continues to hold me back. But I did a pretty brave thing yesterday: I wore a tee shirt with no compression bra and no hoodie at times and I interacted with some neighbors, went to the grocery store, etc. I have to believe that people saw my breasts but no one commented. Went to a craft show in Baltimore yesterday, only to notice a high percentage of queer people there. I had a thinner tee on, in a lighter color and for the last 15 minutes, I left my hoodie unzipped. Imagine liking your body but being terrified of how others will react to it. I dislike cisnormativity intensely. I'm going to try to keep pushing myself to stop hiding my body.

My last blood test showed my E at 140 pg/mL and my T at 63 ng/dL, so after a discussion with my doc, I doubled my spiro intake. I wondered if that amount of T was inhibiting any degree of feminization. I also wondered if lower T would make me feel any different and how long that might take. I was surprised to feel a difference within about 12 hours. I feel more calm, happier and, surprisingly, an increase in libido. I think I'll stay with this dose. I'd like to get an orchiectomy, as I don't want to be on the medication, but I worry about losing function, although I know several people to whom this didn't happen.

My hair has really grown, but it's very curly, so it's growing up and out more than down! Oh, well. It's always been that way. I'm just happy to have hair.

As a Maryland resident, I'm planning on a few trips to Annapolis, Baltimore and Havre de Grace en femme, as I need to see how that feels again. I haven't dressed enough to really understand if it's right for me. Of course, my partner, while tolerant and reasonably accepting of my gender journey, doesn't really want that, but it's something we've discussed in therapy, so I'm going to make it happen. I just have to unpack my makeup and stuff and find a proper place for it.

I remain in a weird place: very feminized body, new nose, hair, changed appearance, yet presenting male to the world. I feel pretty content - good about my body. And I don't burn to be seen as a woman. This makes me unusual. My therapist thinks it's fine.

Hi Courtney!

Glad to hear the move went well, and hoping for a good price sale on your old place.

Being out and about, and meeting neighbors as the real you is always a good thing. Only push yourself as far as you are comfortable with. And do they need to know? If they just see you as a normal couple, that is fine. Don't worry too much about their reactions. What you are doing is for your benefit, not theirs.

The higher T level will affect feminization, as I learned from my own experience. T is much stronger than E, so it doesn't take much to counteract it. If upping the Spiro is helping, then go for it.

I had a friend who had cancer and subsequently had an orchiectomy, and his prostrate removed too. He had no loss of function or sensation. He said the only difference was his ejaculations were dry. Medical procedures have advanced to such precision that they can be very precise about removing things without disrupting important nerves.

I know what you mean about taking time to sort stuff out and find a place for it all. I moved a year ago in August and still have stuff stored in totes in a closet. I figure that if I haven't needed it by next summer, I can safely throw it all out.  ;D

Thanks for the update!

I moved over twenty years ago and still have stuff in boxes in the basement. Now thinking of moving again and most will go in the trash. 

Hi. I'm still around. Just reached 3 years and 5 months on HRT. Still mostly closeted. Breasts are quite large, but you'd be surprised how well they can be hidden, even on a lean frame like mine.

I like my body and I wish I could share it but the current administration has made it harder than ever for us to exist. I can't believe that people still support this. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

I got married. My partner of 10+ years and I slowly worked through this and we're still together.

Anyway, I found out that my wife's insurance appears to cover both electrolysis and facial feminization surgery. I think FFS might be a bridge too far for her, but it's something I really need.

Quote from: Courtney G on June 01, 2025, 10:32:18 AMAnyway, I found out that my wife's insurance appears to cover both electrolysis and facial feminization surgery. I think FFS might be a bridge too far for her, but it's something I really need.

That's awesome Courtney, I haven't found an insurance that covers that. I am happy for you. This can be very costly Annaliese

Quote from: Courtney G on June 01, 2025, 10:32:18 AMI got married. My partner of 10+ years and I slowly worked through this and we're still together.

Congrats, Courtney!

And insurance coverage too. That is awesome. Thanks for the update. It's good to see you back here.

Good to see you back on Susan's. Awesome news about the insurance.
Gina

Thanks, everyone, for reading along and offering your encouragement. I was thinking about what Danielle wrote last year and after being in this new world for many months, there's some value to the idea of finding acceptance in a small community. I'm pretty friendly and seem to be accumulating friends. My strategy at this point is to be respected and loved by many here. If I should decide to come out, the same folks that consider me a "good guy" and a friend would be more likely to support me than people I hardly know.

I finally bought a bra that is sized for my current level of development. I'd been wearing stretchy ones and some that were too small, but I picked up a 36C bra and it seems to fit very well. I need more of those. I finally bought some female-gendered underwear. Nothing too racy or skimpy, just some hipster briefs in neutral colors. They fit really well and my wife is ok with them. Baby steps.

I've also been sitting to pee for many months now. It just feels like the right thing to do. I don't have bottom dysphoria, fortunately, but I do experience euphoria from doing female-gendered things.

My hair is insane. It's very hard to tame. I have lots of frizz, and my curls get tons of flyaway when it's humid (and just about any other time). I'm still working on a regimen for it. It's pretty long but the hair up front isn't quite long enough to tie back. I sometimes wish I didn't have these curls, but I know that other people envy me.

Quote from: Courtney G on August 01, 2025, 04:43:32 PMMy hair is insane. It's very hard to tame. I have lots of frizz, and my curls get tons of flyaway when it's humid (and just about any other time). I'm still working on a regimen for it. It's pretty long but the hair up front isn't quite long enough to tie back. I sometimes wish I didn't have these curls, but I know that other people envy me.

I'm in the same boat. It is mostly curly toward the ends, so they tend to stick out from under my hair topper. I use a flat iron to smooth them out. By removing the curls and frizz, my hair is longer, and the topper blends in perfectly. I have also noticed that when straight, I get fewer tangles and less breakage. Maybe that will help you, too.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 01, 2025, 04:50:19 PMI'm in the same boat. It is mostly curly toward the ends, so they tend to stick out from under my hair topper. I use a flat iron to smooth them out. By removing the curls and frizz, my hair is longer, and the topper blends in perfectly. I have also noticed that when straight, I get fewer tangles and less breakage. Maybe that will help you, too.

Thanks. I was wondering about straightening but I was told you can easily damage your hair doing it. Any tips/products you can recommend?

Quote from: Courtney G on August 01, 2025, 07:18:36 PMThanks. I was wondering about straightening but I was told you can easily damage your hair doing it. Any tips/products you can recommend?

There are straightening products, also called "curl relaxers," and they do damage the hair. That's what makes them work. I don't recommend them. I just use the flat iron (got it at Walmart) and set the heat to 350.

After washing and conditioning, let your hair dry to about 80%, so just a little bit damp, and use the flat iron. I have found that that is enough to keep the hair straightened for 3 days. It might last longer, but by then I'm due for another wash. I don't do it every wash either. I let the conditioner do its repair work in between straightening.

I actually learned this from my hairstylist. She ran the flat iron over it, and it smoothed right out. I went and got a flat iron that day. I like that the one I got has adjustable heat settings. I started with low heat settings, but it wasn't getting the job done, so I kept increasing the heat. Now, I know to set it to 350, and it is ready to go. You may need a different setting depending on how thick your hair is. In some areas, I need to go over it twice. But for most just once gets it.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 01, 2025, 07:32:32 PMThere are straightening products, also called "curl relaxers," and they do damage the hair. That's what makes them work. I don't recommend them. I just use the flat iron (got it at Walmart) and set the heat to 350.

Thanks so much for this info, Lori! I'll have to get brave and pull the trigger on this. Heck it will curl up in a few days if I don't like it, so I have nothing to lose.

My wife might lose her job. If she does, I'll eventually lose her excellent insurance coverage. My plans for FFS might get dashed. The waitlist is too long and I doubt I'd be able to get the procedure before my insurance gets downgraded.

I'm trying not to dwell on this.

Quote from: Courtney G on August 09, 2025, 08:22:36 AMThanks so much for this info, Lori! I'll have to get brave and pull the trigger on this. Heck it will curl up in a few days if I don't like it

If you don't like how it looks straightened, just wash and condition it. It isn't permanent, and the moisture from washing will bring back the curls. You also don't have to go completely straight. Use a lower heat setting, and tight curls become waves. Or straighten one area, like the back, but leave some curls at the side to frame your face. Experiment and have fun with it!  :)

After waiting patiently for several months, I finally have several electrolysis appointments on my calendar. I'd been waiting for the local place to onboard a new tech but the tech seems to be flaking. Fortunately, the owner is taking me on as a new client anyway. After a couple of years of using my IPL, I was left with mostly gray hairs on my face and I had about 8 sessions with an electrologist in my previous state of residence but that was over a year ago.

My new home state of Maryland has more progressive requirements for insurance coverage of gender-affirming care, which includes electro, as I mentioned a couple of months ago, so I've already submitted the receipt for my first visit and I'm hoping reimbursement happens without any issues.

I realize it's probably going to take almost 2 years of regular visits to clear the remaining hairs, but I'm really exited about it. What I'm not excited about is a purple spot I've had on my chin since I was in a motorcycle accident over 35 years ago! There's a place not far from me that treats scars with tattooing but I'm pretty worried that it won't work out. If anyone has any experience with this, please do chime in.

After 3+ years of having breasts and after a couple of months of pretty much *needing* to wear a bra on a daily basis I finally bought myself several pairs of women's underwear (bottoms). The ones I got are in the hipster style and are pretty basic (neutral colors, not frilly) but I absolutely love them. I don't know why I waited so long to start wearing them. My wife has been fine with them.

I'm still pining for FFS. Oh, and for an orchiectomy. But both are pretty strong steps and I'm trying to ease my wife into the idea.

Quote from: Courtney G on September 09, 2025, 10:04:05 PMWhat I'm not excited about is a purple spot I've had on my chin since I was in a motorcycle accident over 35 years ago! There's a place not far from me that treats scars with tattooing but I'm pretty worried that it won't work out. If anyone has any experience with this, please do chime in.

I have no direct experience, but I would have a dermatologist look at it before opting for tattooing. Some skin conditions can be corrected with laser or blue light therapy. I have had the blue light therapy for pre-cancerous stuff on my face and arms. It is 18 minutes of hell, but afterwards, the skin is much clearer. For lasers, they use different frequencies than for hair removal, and it helps rejuvenate the skin. They have similar treatments for things like Rosacea, spider veins, and such. It doesn't hurt to ask their opinion.

I went to my county LGBTQ group's monthly social gathering today and dressed as Courtney. None of those folks have ever seen my body; I've kept it hidden. It felt good to be out and proud of myself. Must've been a surprise to some, as I keep it under wraps pretty completely.

One of the principals of the group took me aside and explained that that org is becoming part of a larger network in the region, which proposes to offer support in the form of more get-togethers and more overall infrastructure, which will include setting up some sort of support group framework. They told me they felt I'd be an asset - a "mature voice" that would benefit the group - and asked if I'd be willing to join the staff. I was flattered.

I have major stuff going on at home (construction) but my goal is to wrap that up by Halloween, so I told them that I could get involved at that time. Good stuff.

I have the second in what I hope will be an extensive series of electrolysis sessions this week. And I'm trying to dovetail that with an eyebrow-shaping appointment. More good stuff.

I'm hanging at home now in my underwear, feeling good about my body. That's still a bit of a foreign feeling. I'm enjoying it.

All good things, Court. Congrats on the staff offer!
I think you would be a good fit helping out there.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 14, 2025, 04:37:22 PMAll good things, Court. Congrats on the staff offer!
I think you would be a good fit helping out there.

Thanks! It's a little scary, but very exciting. I'm looking forward to it.

I had my first one hour visit with my new electrologist this week. I really like her. She specifically targeted the dark hairs on the sides of my chin. This is something my previous person wouldn't do. I'm looking forward to future visits.

I went to Ulta after and got my brows waxed. The tech was really nice and she did a great job. She said I had nice brows and she really just cleaned them up a bit. Next time I see her, I'm going to ask her for a more feminine shape.

@Courtney G

Dear Courtney:
Your recent update here on your Blog Thread have been a joy for me to read. 

Your job offer to be appointed as Staff on your county's LGBTQ group is something
that is surely affirming for you as you are maturing in your transition journey.
I am very proud of you and your confidence in going out as Courtney and "fully dressed"

Yes, by all means get your eyebrows done as you see fit... in a more feminine style... that
alone with do a lot with being seen with an obvious female facial appearance..

Please keep sharing and posting your updates on your blog and sharing your thoughts
and comments on the various other threads and topics here on the Forum.

Many... and more HUGS,      ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

I just wanted to pop in for a quick update:

I have electro sessions scheduled for every week for the foreseeable future. I submitted the invoices to my insurance company and they rejected them. I'm waiting to find out why. I really need some insurance support in order to be able to afford these sessions. I'm going to keep at it until I win.

I switched from 100 mg to 200 mg of progesterone a week ago and it really seems to affect my sleep. Sometimes I close my eyes and I zonk out instantly, waking up hours later with no sense of time. This is unusual for me.

Body changes are creeping up on me at this point. I have love handles that swoop out from my waist. My waist is up around my belly button, maybe a little higher. I'm hoping my upper hips round out to fill the gap between my thighs and those protrusions. If anyone has any insight, please let me know!

My breasts...

I could write a book about this. About having them, about growing breasts. Mine are very very round and full and I'm wearing 36C bras. I fill the cups nicely. They're a little wide-set for my taste, but not exceedingly so. The shape, however, is about as perfect as I could have  dreamed. I never expected this. The idea that they'll continue to fill out, maybe even more so because of the progesterone, just blows my mind. If I don't move one step closer to a full transition, my breasts would be enough for me. But I remain astonished at how big they are, and curious about what's next.

For anyone who might be lurking, trying to find out what it's like, as I did, I'll say this about my breasts:

Having them is nothing short of a dream. Yes, they're sensitive, but not overly so, just enough to make me aware of them. No, they're not a constant source of erotic pleasure, nor are they just lumps of flesh that hang from my torso. HRT took away the lewd fantasies and replaced them with a satisfying reality.

I caution anyone who reads trans fiction regarding the changes HRT brings: life is not an erotic story; it's just life. The reality is that these changes came with a shift in how I view the changes themselves. HRT took away the fantasies and replaced them with a less vivid, more satisfying reality. I simply like the body I inhabit. It's more of a daily comfort than anything else.

I do wish I wasn't hiding my breasts most of the time. I like the way clothes fit on me and I like the idea of feeling desirable to someone. It's all new to me. But for now, I continue to enjoy the changes while keeping them to myself.

Regarding hiding: yes, you can hide big boobs. Women of all types do it all the time. You learn what to do and what not to do, and what you can't wear becomes obvious. But you must make sacrifices. I've had times in which I dreamed of wearing a tank top on a hot day, or even a tee shirt, but those aren't an option anymore. I can walk outside to bring in the trash cans without thinking about how noticeable they are. It's something you must keep in mind. Honestly, the science says that most of us won't develop the kind of breasts that I have, so it should be easier for more, but you don't get to decide how big they get.

My hair...

My hair lays on my shoulders when I get out of the shower. It's fussy and messy and complicated and requires less shampooing and more conditioning these days. It's naturally curly and a stiff wind will take me from pleasant curls to a frizzy Peppermint Patty look in seconds.

I do wish it was less thick and curly, but I'm not complaining. I love every second of the attention I have to give it. I love it when it gets in my eyes or when I put it in a scrunchie or pull it through the back of a baseball cap. I even got some in my mouth yesterday!

HRT and hair replacement surgery took me from a severe front recession and thin crown to a full head of hair, with no evidence of any intervention. I feel blessed.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on September 19, 2025, 03:32:27 PMYour recent update here on your Blog Thread have been a joy for me to read.

Danielle, your positivity and unrelenting support of members here is a thing of beauty. We don't interact much but I wanted you to know that your kindness doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you, and the other mods and members that chime in and give so much of themselves.

Quote from: Courtney G on October 13, 2025, 12:25:36 PMI switched from 100 mg to 200 mg of progesterone a week ago and it really seems to affect my sleep. Sometimes I close my eyes and I zonk out instantly, waking up hours later with no sense of time. This is unusual for me.

The known side effects of oral progesterone include dizziness and drowsiness. I experience the same things as you. The drowsiness helps me sleep soundly. By sleeping that deeply, my body wakes up because I have had enough rest. But the dizziness lingers, which can feel like confusion at first. Many providers prescribe taking the dose before bedtime so that these effects are less bothersome.

I take 300mg (100mg three times a day). This means a less higher dose at night, and there is enough in my system throughout the day so that it can work as intended. (Ovaries do not produce progesterone only at night.) By taking the lower dose but more often, I have adjusted to the side effects so they are almost non-existent. Just be careful driving until you know how you will be affected.

Studies indicate that it is not the progesterone causing these side effects, but the metabolites (leftovers) resulting from the body processing the hormone. Wikipedia has a great article on the pharmacokinetics involved. Although Wiki is not always a reliable source, the study citations are included in the text and footnotes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharmacokinetics_of_progesterone

Wow. Big update here. I hope a few of you read this. Knowing you're following along really helps.

I had my facial feminization surgery consult last Thursday. The surgeon seemed very knowledgeable and confident.

A funny aside:
He introduced himself and rattled off his experience and qualifications, then gently gestured toward my torso and asked "who did your augmentation?" to which I replied "um, that would be estradiol." I followed it up with "you're looking at a rarity; a person who started HRT in their late 50s and got this level of growth." He agreed enthusiastically. This made me feel great.

That's the thing - I get dressed in the morning and enjoy checking out my body and the way clothes fit me, then I see my face in the mirror and it ruins everything. I can't get past my face. I often wonder if I'm as far from passing as I think (Gina and some of my other trans friends tell me I could pass) or if it's just that I see "me" too much to imagine that anything could change, that my gender presentation could change convincingly. This sort of thing happened to a friend recently. She found that not seeing her former self in the mirror gave her license to truly see herself anew. Sounds good to me.

The surgeon laid out a game plan in two parts. The first would be the structural stuff and the second would be more cosmetic (mostly a facelift). What surprised me is that after reviewing what I thought I needed (neck tightening, chin, jaw, eyes) he suggested that the most feminizing changes he could make started with lowering my hairline (further) and shaving my brow/forehead, especially directly above my nose. A little research after the fact confirms this. Most doctors feel that the top portion of your face (eyes and above) can signal gender more than anything else.

He'll also shave my chin and jaw a bit, but didn't think much was needed. I think a lip lift will be part of the first round. After I've recovered, he'll tighten any loose skin (forehead, neck, etc), work on my eyes and do some fat grafting to my cheeks and maybe my lips.

OK, this is surreal and amazing. We could actually do this (with insurance approval). But the unbelievable part? I'm scheduled for this March. Not March of 2027, THIS March.

I'm still processing it. My wife knows about it and hasn't said much. I don't know if she understands how significant this will be for me and how much it would affect my appearance. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with all of this. But I can't let fear or apprehension paralyze me. This is a golden opportunity, a chance to right this wrong.

Will I come out full time after this? I don't know. Will I start to "male fail"? I hope so. The truth is, if people "mistook" me for a woman (which is to say that they identified me as I really want to be seen), the public transition would be much easier. Do I believe that can happen? No, unfortunately. But that's just my brain. Honestly, I'm not going to worry about how convincing the results are, what comes next, about my neighbors and old friends and other people. I'm getting tired of letting my fear of rejection chart my course for me. By doing this, I'm taking the rudder off of my ship and that's just fine by me.

Wow, Courtney, that is HUGE!
Congrats.
I remember some of your earliest posts where you were very concerned about your face and specific things you wanted done.
Hey, girl! IT IS HAPPENING!
I am so happy for you.

I'll let other members weigh in, but from the stories I have heard, the healing process takes a long time. Your face will be swollen, so you are not going to see any improvement, possibly for months. So go easy on yourself, and don't start judging right away. If you are still feeling pain, you are not done healing yet, so just be patient. Once the pain is gone (without meds), then decide what you think about the results.

One thing I did was take before and after photos. The work was mostly just blepharoplasty (removing loose skin around the eyes), but the photos showed me a dramatic difference that I couldn't see in the mirror. Maybe that was psychological. I don't know.

This is awesome news! Thanks for sharing.

So good to hear you had such a positive consultation and that you're now on the path to getting FFS. With regards to working on the top part of the face, I came to the same conclusion about the impact. I think the lower parts can Soften well with HRT more

Incidentally I'm also having FFS in March! Be interesting to compare experiences.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on December 16, 2025, 04:10:15 PMSo good to hear you had such a positive consultation and that you're now on the path to getting FFS. With regards to working on the top part of the face, I came to the same conclusion about the impact. I think the lower parts can Soften well with HRT more

I hope you and the doc are right. I need to feel differently about my face!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on December 16, 2025, 04:10:15 PMIncidentally I'm also having FFS in March! Be interesting to compare experiences.

WOW! That's nuts. Yes, we'll definitely have to compare. I feel like there are so many moving parts that have to be put into place before now and then. It feels a little overwhelming.

The reality of this is starting to creep into my life in interesting ways. March, April and May are big fishing months where I live. I'll definitely go fishing once I'm ready to be out and about (with copious sun protection), but I have to wonder: will I look female enough to feel comfortable dressing as a woman while out there on the water? What a concept.

My wife and I are hoping to take our travel trailer (camper) to her college reunion this spring and it just occurred to me that I might go there looking like a woman. How will this affect my wife? Will I tell people to call me Courtney? Will I be healed enough to go? Will my experience at the campground feel different? It's all crazy to think about.

Those are wonderful problems to have, Court!

I think it is going to work out very well for you.
Fingers crossed!

I think everything will go great and you'll love being out and about with the facial features you desire. That being said i think it's a few months to a year before things start to look right! The hope is it at least looks ok in the few months term!

I'll literally be back at work 2 weeks after mine so I think it'll be a shock to everyone!

Looking forward to hearing more nearer the time from you 🙂

Its when you have to tell folks who you are, happened to me just on HRT and that was folks I had known for years but not seen for a good while.

Quote from: davina61 on December 17, 2025, 04:30:46 AMIts when you have to tell folks who you are, happened to me just on HRT and that was folks I had known for years but not seen for a good while.

Nah, keep them guessing.

😁

Well, the FFS date draws near, so I did the logical thing: I got my ears pierced! Finally. I was going to get simple silver buttons - something no one would notice - but the sparkly stones in the display case called out to me, so I got purple diamonds (fake ones).

In for a penny, in for a pound. I mean, who am I kidding? I'm still afraid of what "people will think about me", yet I continue with HRT, continue to grow my hair out, get facial hairs removed, make appointments for a new face, etc.

One really affirming thing was that FaceApp gendered me correctly in the photo I took at the piercing place. For those who don't know, that's a mobile app with a "gender swap" feature. If it thinks you're male, it offers to change your photo to female and vice versa. It's a useful and dangerous tool that has cracked many a trans egg. But it's not the last word on your gender; you're the only one who gets to decide what your gender is. I know some cis females who might get gendered male by the app. Just the same, it felt pretty good when the app decided I was a woman.

Congratulations on getting the ears pierced. Now the collection starts. Studs to start, then comes the dangly ones. You'll need different styles and colors to match your clothes. Then a case to store it all in. Down the slippery slope!

Then its the necklace and bracelets !!!!

Quote from: Courtney G on December 29, 2025, 04:02:45 PMWell, the FFS date draws near, so I did the logical thing: I got my ears pierced! Finally. I was going to get simple silver buttons - something no one would notice - but the sparkly stones in the display case called out to me, so I got purple diamonds (fake ones).

❤️

Thanks, ladies!

Four years of HRT today! Woot! I can't believe I did this! But here I am, with a nice body, fresh piecings, soft skin, a growing assortment of women's clothes and underclothes, gems in my pierced ears, and facial feminization surgery just over 2 months away. But also a sense of self that has drastically improved.

I never would have believed you if you'd told me this was possible 6 years ago. I never would have believed I'd be willing to take the first step, to come out to myself, to my partner. To connect a clinic (Plume) regarding starting HRT (thank goodness for informed consent!)

I was reviewing the surgeon's preliminary FFS plan last night. Round one will be 4 hours of surgery and will include:
Scalp advancement and "rotation"
Browlift
Forehead shave with orbital rim reduction
Chin and mandible reduction

The follow-up will involve a facelift and fat grafting, as well as a redo of my nose.

I'm glad he's proposing this in two separate phases. I'd rather go twice than have a long recovery period.

2 months will go by fast. Wishing you all the best.

Congratulations getting your ears pierced. It's such a rewarding step, especially when you push your hair back to show them off!

Time is flying by now. And amazing it's only a couple of months away now.

Congrats on your fourth anniversary! Getting your ears pierced is the perfect gift. I got mine pierced on my first birthday after I started HRT.

Big changes are coming your way. I'm glad you got your surgery date and can move forward. You have been looking forward to this for a long time.

Quote from: Courtney G on December 31, 2025, 08:25:13 AMI'm glad he's proposing this in two separate phases. I'd rather go twice than have a long recovery period.

You also have the option to not continue or find a different surgeon. While there is an overhead cost to multiple surgeries (i.e. you pay the anesthesiologist for each surgery),  you gain a measure of control by working in phases. Remember, you should be the driver of what you want done as well as have your ascetic respected.

~Jenn

Congratulations, Courtney. I hope the FFS goes as smoothly as have other aspects of your journey.

Happy new year Courtney!


Chrissy

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and well-wishing.

I want to share a feeling I've had for the past few days. Something inside of me has changed and I'm not sure why, but the following things have recently occurred:
1. 4 years on HRT
2. I've sized up from a 36C to 36D bra
3. A good friend is recovering from FFS and she's been transformed by it
4. I booked FFS
5. I started watching the series "Veneno" on HBO Max.

I've felt more like a woman over the past few days than ever before. I've daydreamed about wearing a cute top or makeup, and of being seen/recognized as a woman. I've felt softer and calmer. I've had waves of euphoria over my new earrings, my body and my upcoming facial feminization surgery.

While my new earrings definitely awakened something in me, believe it or not, #5 on that list played no small part. Venemo is a biographical drama, set in Spain, with overdubbed english on HBO Max. The first episode is a little cringy, but sets the stage for some powerful stuff, with a mostly-trans set of characters, played by trans actors!

One of the main characters goes through a transformation and it's hitting me really, really hard...in a good way. I highly recommend the series - just make sure to be patient while watching that first episode.

Veneno might have little to do with this, but I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be able to more fully own my identity going forward. I'm really, really hoping FFS helps with this.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Just a quick check-in.

The days tick by in the countdown to FFS. I'm starting to worry that something will go wrong, like the insurance company won't approve the procedure. But I want this so badly.

In the meantime, I'm fighting with insurance over unpaid electrolysis receipts, having to jump through hoops and send in the same receipts 3 times. I think they think they're going to wear me down, that I'll give up. Not gonna happen. I have appointments every week and about $1500 in unpaid claims.

Not sure how long of a break I need to take during my FFS recovery period but I'll squeeze in a handful of sessions until then. SOOO many gray hairs on my chin and neck. Thankfully, there are very few dark hairs left at this point. I do hate having to let my whiskers grow for these treatments. I've started to leave a small area unshaven and my tech works on that area. My prescription strength numbing cream is a blessing. I highly recommend it.

Also, I love my earrings. A burly contractor who I'd worked with on major stuff on the house this fall came by today. My hair was tied back and my purple gems were sparkling. I was a little nervous at first, then forgot about it. He didn't say anything. I have to learn to not think too much about it.

I feel the need to start working on my voice. I don't have a plan for presenting/coming out, but if I feel I can pass, I'm going to want to start going out as a woman, especially during the warmer months, when my curves will leave no doubt as to what gender I am. Luckily, I'm a former professional musician who's done a lot of singing (mostly high harmonies) and I've always been a mimic/impersonator. But I need to start working on some real training. Just have to do it when my wife isn't around, since she has enough to work through.

A little update:

I went out with a group of retired men today in my boy clothes, no makeup, hair tied back, earrings glistening. It was a little scary at first but I soon forgot about them. The world didn't come to an end. But I was reminded of the nature of the group I'm associating with when a new guy mentioned NYC's new major and, after making fun of his name (ignorant), he said "Well, first thing that will happen is there won't be any more white people."

I guffawed extra loud, obnoxiously so, at his comment. I wanted there to be no mistaking my feelings about the stupidity he was spewing.

I think about half the folks in this neighborhood group have the potential to be accepting. But a few bad apples can really spoil the bunch. I just have to keep cultivating good relationships so I have a good percentage of the neighborhood on my side.

In other news, I'm switching to injections tomorrow! I met with my doc yesterday about my blood tests and suggested that I'd like to switch to injectable estradiol as a possible solution for stubbornly low E levels at trough. She was all for it. I'll be injecting estradiol valerate via intramuscular delivery. I'm very excited about it - it feels like a new chapter. Let's see how things look after my next blood test in three months...

Quote from: Courtney G on January 08, 2026, 04:27:24 PMThe world didn't come to an end.

That's always good news, Courtney! Bad apples come in all colors, but White does seem to be the most common shade of boorishness. Shouting him down with laughter was pure genius. Hope the injections remedy the E troughs.

Good job, Courtney!

Bigots think they are cool until someone ridicules them. You did it with class.

Congrats on moving to injectables. They certainly helped me get past four years of low E. I do mine sub-Q, not IM, but I know other members who inject IM, and it works for them too.

Good luck!

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 08, 2026, 07:24:01 PMCongrats on moving to injectables. They certainly helped me get past four years of low E. I do mine sub-Q, not IM, but I know other members who inject IM, and it works for them too.

Thanks!

The way I've been feeling since my first injection on Friday strongly suggests that levels are different than they've been on patches. I'm going to create a separate thread, but I'll share here what I've experienced, in case anyone has any feedback they'd like to share:

I often had a subpar night's sleep on the night I applied my new patches. Occasionally, it was two nights. Since I injected on Friday, each of the five nights since then have been the same: feeling warm all night, waking up several times during the night, recalling my dreams, which seemed more vivid. In addition, my breasts seem more full and sensitive.

I googled "sleep estrogen levels" or similar and here's what came up:

"The combination of warmer body temperature and reduced estrogen levels during the luteal phase can leave you with fragmented sleep. This reduces sleep quality and leads to more frequent awakenings—especially during the REM phase. Since you're waking up more often during dreams, you're likely to remember them vividly"

The luteal phase occurs in women prior to their period and is a time of higher estrogen levels. Basically, I'm PMSing and my body is "preparing for pregnancy." Wild.

The "warmth" is definitely something I can feel. Not a hot flash, but an overall feeling of being warm.

So it seems that my E levels might be higher and be sustained at a higher level than previously on patches. I won't know until my next blood test, which will be several months away.

Regarding upcoming surgery:

I'd had a CT scan of my head in late December after Christmas, as the surgeon requested it in order to determine the amount of contouring required. Well, I heard from the surgeon's office the other day and it turns out that the imaging place changed the order and didn't include my jaw in the scan! So I had to call and complain and get them to squeeze in another appointment (for tomorrow), then I have to get the CD of the image sent off to the surgeon ASAP. This is a bit of a drag.

In addition, the insurance is claiming the the chin contouring isn't covered under my plan but the surgeon's office is trying to petition them as covering as necessary due to my diagnosis and the resulting medical need.

7 weeks until my surgery date and there's no shortage of stress.

Keep in mind that your body is readjusting to the new dosage. For me, it wasn't warmth but a mild headache the evening after injecting. Sometimes it would last into the next day. Over time, that went away, and I don't get the headaches anymore.

I hope the surgeon can get that covered for you. I absolutely hate insurance companies that think they know better than a medical professional. If the doctor says it is necessary cover it and butt out. That's why we pay insurance premiums.

That's interesting to hear about estrogen levels and sleep. I might try and keep notes as sometimes struggle to sleep and I have a lower E dose in the evening.

Sounds like hassle regarding the scan so hope you get that sorted soon. Funnily enough I'm having a scan tomorrow so my surgeon can see my brow bone and prepare for how much it will need taking down. I decided to get the scan myself though as don't want anything to chance with how much it's costing me!

I hope you get your scan sorted soon though. It's about 7 weeks for me too add a couple of days.

Warm thoughts and big hugs, Courtney and Charlotte! Seven weeks and counting. I can only imagine the anticipation.

Warning: this update is going to be a dark one

FFS is less than seven weeks away, and I'm processing many feelings right now. I had an appointment at the dentist the morning of my CT scan re-do and it turned out to be a lousy morning. This dentist is new to me and I'm only using them for an expensive procedure because they accept my insurance (my dentist doesn't). I get there early and fill out all of the forms, only to find out that my dentist forgot to send my x-ray. Had them resend and they spelled the email address incorrectly. Met with the dentist (for another x-ray) and her computer crashed. Meanwhile, all I can think about is getting out of there quickly so I can get to the imaging place in time for my CT scan. I let the dentist know that I had to go and she got angry with me, suggesting I leave more time for an appointment next time. They didn't call me back, didn't provide a quote or treatment plan...nothing.

I need to try to call them and apologize and explain that through the comedy of errors that was occurring, I was most concerned about making it out of there on time because the appointment I had after was for a life-changing procedure. Anyway, the whole thing is still bothering me.

I'm worried about the future. Worried that I won't look female, that passing will remain out of reach. Worried that the hospital will discontinue gender-affirming procedures as many have done or that the insurance will drop coverage for this care. Providers are under attack by the federal government over anything to do with trans people. Trans people are under attack for being trans. I didn't vote for this, yet I'm stuck with it, and it gets worse every day.

In addition, a massively-funded federal "revenge" force has been deployed in cities that hurt the feelings of our country's president, and their agents just executed a lesbian woman whose wife taunted an angry cishet white guy with a gun. Hearing him say "f---ing b---h" after executing her is pretty jarring. Seeing him walk away after her car crashes is upsetting. Denying her medical access while she bleeds out behind the wheel is monstrous. The underlying goal by the people in power (Stephen Miller, specifically) is to incited violent pushback from the populace so he can send in the military and destabilize cities in time to affect the turnout for the midterm elections. Disheartening, to say the least.

The people that support this insanity are the same people who hate trans people, and they are the reason my transition hasn't progressed. It's not because I don't want to; it's because I can't handle the thought of being hated for who I am. More than ever, I'm afraid of seeing a maga at a store somewhere and feeling hated, feeling threatened and unsafe. That's why passing is so important to so many, including me.

So I head into the upcoming weeks full of trepidation. I don't know if all of this will be worth it. I don't know if the outcome will be acceptable. I don't know how I'm going to explain this change to people I know. I fear that moving forward is going to make my life worse, rather than better. I'm worried about money and worry that no one will hire me if I come out publicly and I'm clockable as trans.

The only bright spot in all of this is that I'm full of hope for the outcome switching to injections could bring. I'm found that I have a ravenous appetite since switching. My boobs hurt. This could be the change that pushes the shape of my body to another level. I'm happy about that. No matter what happens, I don't ever want to run on testosterone again.

Courtney,

Sorry, it has been a rough patch. Stop and take a breath.

Your brain is running in hyperdrive trying assess every possible outcome, while multitasking the appointments and things that need to get done on time. It is doing unnecessary work trying to protect you from imagined horrors.

Time to unplug for a bit. Yes, it is a scary world out there for us, but we have small safe spaces available. It may be as small as your home, or as big as a city, but safe places do exist. Yes, we are attacked as a group, but not as individuals. Those people don't know who you are, and they are not looking for you.

Relax for a bit, take a nap if you can, and focus only on the things that are impacting you directly, like your appointments. As my dad likes to remind me:
90% of the things we worry about never happen.

Go easy on yourself.

Hey Courtney,
So sorry to hear that you had a rough day. Some places just can't get their stuff together! These days fluster me too and set off doubts. Just weakens our resolve a bit I guess. With regards your worries, I really feel for you and others in the US. Not living there I can't make an honest appraisal of how bad it is to advise you in detail.

But the procedure is so soon now. With everything planned and set in motion I'm more than confident it'll all happen. It can be hard with so much happening not to worry, but you're strong and intelligent, so will have done everything you can to make this a success.

This one is for you. Something to take you closer to the women you aspire to be. Everything else will find it's way and fall into place just from you being true. I'm sure you didn't take this decision lightly so made a strong decision that overall this will be good for you. And that you can find a way to live happy and successful as a woman, handling any negativity with your inner strength. Please give yourself some love, rest and reflection time. Maybe write down your worries with a response of either they're not valid because X or how you have mitigated them in your plan. It helps for me and might you.

Sending you love and cuddles! March is going to be a good month...that big step for us both towards our truth.

Charlotte 😻

'Dark' certainly wasn't hyperbole, though the comedy of errors did make me smile. A wan smile, imagining your angst bordering on desperation. But the rest of your post brought me to tears. I'm glad you ended with painful boobs so I could smile again. And may hope end in fruition.

I have the same fears about moving forward and fantasize about having the wherewithall to live wherever I choose, wear whatever I want, like the person I see when I look into a mirror. On the bright side, Lucy Sante's I heard Her Call My Name was delivered yesterday. Along with a red dress. I look forward to reading the book, but the dress hangs unworn in my closet. All the things you listed in your post have stolen the joy and anticipation I felt when I ordered it. Perhaps, Lucy's words will inspire me to try it on. I hope today is better for you. For all of us.

As far as the pain in the boobs, in your case that is a lot of pain. (thats a joke) As far as the surgery all will be well. You already have a great figure and very feminine face. Anything the doctor does is just icing on the cake. To worry is to be human and understandable. All will be well. Stay safe sister.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 19, 2026, 09:45:28 AMAll the things you listed in your post have stolen the joy and anticipation I felt when I ordered it.

I'm sorry. I guess I should have put a more strongly-worded warning at the top of that post. I suppose I expect my readership to be used to the dark posts, as stark realities and unpleasant feelings riddled my offerings since the first posts in my first blog (much of which was deleted during a server issue here).

To attempt to temper my message (and your feelings), I'll offer this:

I love that I've been honest with myself. It can be hard, yes, but I have no regrets about coming out to myself, to others, and about starting my medical transition. I love my body now, for the first time ever.

Being trans is often hard. Very hard. I say it to myself often, usually while I'm crying. But understanding yourself and pursuing your truth is wonderful.

Your post did not steal the joy I might have felt trying on my first red dress; the murder of Renee Good and the aftermath of indifference compelled me to put the dress in my closet. I admire your honesty. For me, being trans or, as I prefer to call myself, genderfluid, is seldom difficult. But that's because I'm a coward hiding in the relative safety of my own home on an isolated tract of land in western Montana. I pursue my truth in the silence of my mind. I pray that someday I am brave enough to live my truth. Out and loud. Like you. 

Courtney, I'm sorry it's been such a rough stretch. Some days/weeks/months are like that.

There's very little we can do to change the world around us, so doing what we can to be our best selves is, I think, our highest priority. And it's true that there are no guarantees that doing so will have the effect we hope on others. But it's still our best bet.

As long as you're doing that and you're feeling good about your own experience, you know you're on the right track.

We're with you.

Good news: my surgeon's office tells me that insurance has authorized all of the procedures requested for this (first of two) FFS procedure. That's a relief. The doc will be in touch next week to provide an estimate for my portion of the cost. I'm hoping it's not too much. At this point, I'm sort of feeling like I'd risk homelessness to get this done, I want it so badly.

I went out for dinner/drinks last night with a friend who happens to be trans. She is just recovering from her bottom surgery and is very comfortable being at as herself full time. I, on the other hand, feel awkward and uncomfortable, and like a freak at times. I really hope this surgery changes my self-perception somewhat.

On the positive side, I'd been watching a lot of makeup tutorial videos and I did a pretty decent job of applying my makeup. I just wish I had a better canvas to work from.

Today's injection of E will be my third. I have a feeling that my levels remain much higher than they were on patches. We'll see at my next blood test.

So glad to hear that your FFS has been approved. One less thing to worry about at least. I'm hoping it will give you the boost and confidence you want and need. I'm sure it will help towards it for sure. I'm looking for similar too. Know that FFS isn't a magic transformation so to speak, but our visual identity is improved in small steps, maybe this being a slightly bigger one!

😻X

Quote from: Courtney G on January 23, 2026, 02:59:02 PMI have a feeling that my levels remain much higher than they were on patches. We'll see at my next blood test.

That happened with me... which was the point of switching. Over time, my levels continued to rise, so my doctor had me do my injections every ten days instead of every week. It is a little harder to remember, but instead of every Tuesday, now I remember the dates for the month. This month will be the 9th, 19th, and 29th. Next month, it will change.

Good news: I got the cost estimate from the FFS surgeon and my portion of the costs for this phase is estimated to be below US$2,000. The overall cost they're billing insurance for is $145k. Thank goodness for decent health insurance, and that I live in a state that mandates coverage for these procedures. With trans people under attack across the country and most significantly, at the highest level in government, I'm grateful we still have states' rights. Let's hope that holds, at least until November.

Speaking of insurance, I don't think I mentioned this in my blog, but I've been fighting my insurance company to get electrolysis visits approved. They're listed as covered by my plan and (again) mandated by the state I live in, but the insurance company denied the claims. I went back again and again to fight with them and I've been reimbursed for about half of the claims I submitted so far. This is really important because I suspect I'll be getting electro for the next 3 years or so, again assuming that my state doesn't change political party or something. As I understand it, it's not unusual to fight insurance for things they don't want to cover. They put up roadblocks to discourage a percentage of people who perhaps don't have the time or resources to fight them. I'm grateful that I've been able to power through on this one. Now that the pipeline is open, I should continue to get reimbursed for my visits.

I'm only 5 weeks from the surgery and I'm a little scared, for multiple reasons. I know it's going to be messy and painful. I'm concerned about the stitches in my mouth and having to eat through a straw for the first week or more. I'm concerned about the forehead scar and how quickly/much it will fade. I'm really concerned about how to explain this to people I know, both new folks from where I live now and family/friends from before. But most of all, I'm afraid that it won't "work", that I won't look female or worse, that something will go wrong and I'll be disfigured. I just don't feel that it's possible to fix the error that has me looking like a man. It seems too much to wish for.

Still, nothing could stop me. I'd probably empty my retirement account for this if I had to. I know many before me have, and I feel for them. But I NEED this to work, perhaps more than I've ever needed anything.

This first phase will be "structural" stuff, including reshaping my forehead, orbitals, chin and mandible (jaw). The second phase will essentially be a facelift+, which will include a repair of my botched nose job, lip lift, cheek implants and skin tightening. I suspect that will be 4 to 6 months out. I can't wait for that one.

I intend to mask up full time, starting about 10 days out from the surgery date. I can't afford to risk that and lose my place in line.

So many ifs! And so much anxiety. But your resolve and commitment are much stronger than your doubts. We're here for you, Courtney. I will never undergo FFS. I've convinced myself I'm too old. But I am so excited for you! Massive hugs!

  @Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
                Thank you for your sharing regarding your planned FFS.
You are doing the correct thing with your insurance companies. Even with claims that
have nothing to do with being in the LGBTQ+ community... we have to continually be our
own advocates with medical procedures and followup, and dealing with insurance.
              You are doing an amazing job of handling the details of all of those things.

Regarding your worries and concerns about your upcoming FFS, all of that is completely
normal with surgeries, but you have done your due diligence with researching your doctors
and the scope of the planned procedure; that's about all you can do, and worry is not going
to help anything.  Worrying about the outcome is normal reaction and it will soon out of
your control and in the hands of qualified medical staff.
    In the times that I am about to go into any  surgeries, I think the following
          "It does no good to worry about things that I can not control."
    and then my following question that I ask myself is  "Why worry when I can pray?"
    At that time you better believe that I fervently pray for the doctors and my well-being.
    I also have a group of supportive and accepting gal-friends at my church that step up
    and pray on my behalf.

Please keep your updates coming so that I can be more of aware of those kinds of prayer needs.

Again thank you for sharing and being open with your thoughts...
            ❤️
HUGS, and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Wow I can't believe that surgery comes in at $145k! That makes the $16k I'm paying seem tiny.

Totally get that you are nervous about this with it being so close. I'm also getting nervy...same kinda reasons...pain, worry it's going to go wrong and all that. Hopefully nothing to worry about for both of us!

I considered jaw work like you're having but decided against it as my mouth and jaw is messed up from dental issues. And I really can't stand pain.

Let's keep counting down 😊

@Dances With Trees : Thanks, Anni, for your ongoing support!

@Northern Star Girl : Thanks so much. Funny, but the people at the office that helps with claims have commented on how efficient and organized I am. Being a small business owner plus 20+ years as a part-time bookkeeper didn't hurt!

@Charlotte_Ringwood : That big number is really part of a bigger game. The doc bills the insurance company $145k and the insurance company pays a negotiated rate for the procedures, which is often less than half the original billed amount. Either way, it's a lot of money!

I'm excited that we're both going through this together, albeit on different continents!

I'm just over 3 weeks away from round one of facial feminization surgery. Time is flying. I'm barely prepared. I do wish I was 2+ years further down the road with facial hair removal. If I feel good about the way my face looks, having to constantly grow whiskers long enough for electrolysis is going to be a bummer.

---

I've had a purple dime-sized scar on my chin for 35+ years, since I crashed a motorcycle in 1988. It was covered by facial hair until I came out to myself.

The purple spot looks like facial hair and has really bothered me. It has been hard to cover using concealer and foundation. I saw a dermatologist who explained that the asphalt actually tattooed my face when my chin scraped the road! I ended up going to a place today that does tattoo removal using a laser. Who'da thunk it?

Well, it seems to have worked! The spot disappeared. For $150. It might not be totally gone - it might come back and require another session. But worth every penny. I'm so happy about this.

Oh, and I got to chat up the laser tech about trans stuff. She says she has several trans clients but they're all shy and quiet, so she was happy to learn a few things from me. I felt great about that.

That's amazing, Courtney. I had no idea that was possible. Thank you for sharing it.

Wow, time is flying by!

It's amazing that the laser removed the scar on your chin. So happy for you.

I have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow afternoon for my six-month skin check. Then on Wednesday, I have electrolysis. Fun, fun, fun!

That is such great news, Courtney!

I look forward to following your FFS journey. Nothing but good vibrations and warmest wishes.

Courtney,


Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope it is a day of good times for you!


Chrissy

Happy Valentine's Day, Courtney!

@ChrissyRyan and @Dances With Trees Thank you both for the Valentine's Day greeting!

A brief update:

A little over 2 weeks until they change my face. I like to think of it as "fixing" my face, since I wasn't born with the face I wanted. In truth, I realize that the changes might be subtle, so I'm trying not to set my expectations too high. In truth, while I dream of coming out of this looking unmistakably female, I'll be happy if I can pass some of the time if I put makeup on. I'll be happy if I look a little softer, a little less angular.

But the second phase isn't until several months from now, so it could be quite a while before I see the net result of all of this.

I'm concerned about the cost. Insurance is covering this (I'm only a couple thousand out of pocket) but I fear the worst at times, like they'll tell me after the fact that they made a mistake and that I'm on the hook for tens of thousands.

I'm also worried about the pain, the sleepless nights, the possibly of infection or other complications but none of that will stop me from going ahead with this. If the surgery works, any discomfort, cost or inconvenience will be worth it. I consider myself fortunate to be able to go through this. Better late than never.

I did have a blood clot in my leg while on herbal/oral phytoestrogens, so that's in the back of my mind. I may end up taking a prophylaxis to help prevent a dangerous post-surgery clot.

My wife has been quiet about all of this, but she finally spoke up when I pressed her during one of those "what's on your mind" moments. She's concerned about what's next, as far as my transition goes. From the beginning of all of this over 5 years ago, I'd told her that I didn't think that a full-time public transition was what I wanted, but that I couldn't say for sure. At this point, I don't really think my desires have changed that much. I told her the truth: that I'd like my face to better match my body. I'd like to be able to go out when I want and not feel uncomfortable about my face. The more I think about it, the more the "genderfluid" label applies. But I do wonder whether I say that because I don't dare dream that I could pass as a woman. It's possible my feelings about transition could change if I really feel that I pass. I think my wife knows this, too.

Regarding my body, I suffer mightily over the incongruity of a body I love and a face I hate. I want to be able to wear a tank top on a hot day and not feel like I have a man's head on a woman's body.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 16, 2026, 04:50:32 PMI'm concerned about the cost. Insurance if covering this (I'm only a couple thousand out of pocket) but I fear the worst at times, like they'll tell me after the fact that they made a mistake and that I'm on the hook for tens of thousands.

Did you get a pre-authorization letter from the insurance company? If so, hang on to that tightly. That is your defense if they try to change the rules. If you don't have one yet, ask if you can have one. Say the surgeon needs it or something.

I worked at a collection agency (Legal Dept.) for a while. If you have something from the insurance company saying they would cover it, it's approved, anything like that, they have no ground to stand on.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 16, 2026, 04:50:32 PMI'm also worried about the pain, the sleepless nights, the possibly of infection or other complications but none of that will stop me from going ahead with this. If the surgery works, any discomfort, cost or inconvenience will be worth it. I consider myself fortunate to be able to go through this. Better late than never.

You are right to worry about these things, but I can tell that they are a concern, but not overly bothersome, because you are still determined to push through it. You are a brave woman, and I hope you are totally satisfied when it is all done and over with.

@Lori Dee Thanks so much. The surgeon's office did tell me that everything has been approved, but I'll work on getting a letter starting tomorrow!

I'm sure overall it'll go well for you and as planned. I think it's probably a lot to think there won't be some pain, discomfort and sleep issues, but it's all temporary and will be worth it!

Sounds like you're well prepared in your mind for what the results may be like. I think they can vary from subtle to a bit more pronounced, but guess we don't know until later. But each improvement does seem to help.

I don't really know what to expect to be honest. Will just go in and come out different. Hopefully in a good way. I did get sleeping tablets which I'll definitely need to sleep on my back. That's only bit I'm worried about.

Keeping everything crossed always!

Charlotte 😻

I decided to update my profile photo, as the one I'd been using is me in a wig, with full makeup. The current photo is all me, no makeup, pre-FFS.

You know what, Courtney? I see a beautiful woman in that photo, too.

I'm sorry about all of the anxiety over the surgery. I think it would be very difficult not to have those concerns and feelings with all that is at stake. I will continue to send positive thoughts your way with the intention that everything will work out as you want.

You'll get there, sister.

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
      First:  I agree with @Pema ... I also see a beautiful woman in your new Profile Photo.💖

I appreciate and applaud your mental strength in wishing to share your new current
profile photo here on the Forum... no wig, no makeup, pre-FFS.
 
You are among like-minded friends here, no judgement and this is a a SAFE HAVEN and
SECURE PLACE for you and all of our members where acceptance, support, and affirmation are found.

Again, thank you for being here on the Susans's Place Forum and sharing your transition life story,.
Please keep your updates coming. Your avid readers and followers including myself will be eagerly
looking for and reading your future postings here on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the
various Forum Topics and Threads.

    ❤️
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Admin

Quote from: Courtney G on February 16, 2026, 05:43:26 PMI decided to update my profile photo, as the one I'd been using is me in a wig, with full makeup. The current photo is all me, no makeup, pre-FFS.

Still gorgeous, Courtney!
Keep being you.

@Pema @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee Your compliments mean so much to me! Thank you. I don't see what you see but it makes me so happy to hear that.

As an aside, that photo was taken a month or two ago, and you can see the small purple scar on the left side of my chin. It's much smaller and lighter now, but it looks like I'm going to need another laser treatment to complete the removal job. Also, the photo doesn't show my green/hazel eyes; my eyes look very brown but they're not.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 16, 2026, 09:10:01 PMAlso, the photo doesn't show my green/hazel eyes; my eyes look very brown but they're not.

Hazel eyes do some strange things sometimes. I have blue hazel eyes, but when I am tired, they look more green. I don't know why or how, but I noticed it in the service after pulling 24-hour duty shifts.

New avatar picture looks great. Good luck on the upcoming surgery.

Nice to see your before picture. Very beautiful already. Hopefully the surgery will give you the improvements you are looking for

Charlotte x

Love the pic, Courtney! Whatever color your eyes might happen to be at any moment, the woman behind them shines brightly through. 

@Gina P, @Charlotte_Ringwood, @Dances With Trees thanks for the kind words.

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Philadelphia, with less than 12 hours to go before I have to report to the hospital for facial feminization surgery. I'm feeling surprisingly calm. I rode the train in with my wife, as she works here. Spent most of the day at her office, then walked to the hotel, which was 1.5 miles away. It was 40 and drizzling, but I found the walk to be pleasant and cathartic; a good chance to stretch my legs and clear my head.

My walk to the hospital in the morning will be a half a mile. Also a good thing.

I've worried about my wife through all of this but our goodbye was pleasant. She doesn't understand why I'm doing this but she knows it's what I want.

I do have some fears. I'm worried the scar along my hairline will be hard to hide. Worried about my neighbors and my many friends. If I see my old friends from the area in which I used to live, what will I tell them? Honestly, I don't want to ever go back because I don't want to have to explain.

I'm also a little worried that something will go wrong or that it won't "work," that I won't look any more like a woman than I do now. But I have a modest goal: I just want to look different, as Charlotte mentioned in her post above. I'm hoping this gives me a chance to see myself differently, to reinvent myself.

This will be the first of two phases, so I suppose I should temper my expectations. The second part could bring the whole thing together. Doing it this way is probably a good thing. It gives my wife and I a chance to get used to the changes.

I'll try to pop in in a couple of days with an update. Thanks for reading along.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 03, 2026, 08:17:55 PMI'm sitting in a hotel room in Philadelphia, with less than 12 hours to go before I have to report to the hospital for facial feminization surgery.

Good luck, Courtney!

See you on the other side. Get some sleep.

😀

Good luck 💚

Hi Courtney

Although I have not posted much in your journey lately, I have been following along and listening to the way you have shared each step forward, which has been genuinely appreciated.  It takes openness to let people see the process as it unfolds and I want you to know that reading your updates has been meaningful.  Seeing you move toward this moment and talking honestly about it has been inspiring.

Looking at your current picture, it already shows a feminine face.  You mentioned that the photo is you with no wig and no makeup before FFS and that actually makes it even more impressive.  Several people in the thread have said similar things.  One person commented that they already see a beautiful woman in that photo and another mentioned how gorgeous you already look.  Those reactions really reinforce what many of us see, that the feminine features are already there and I certainly see them as well.

Because of that, the two surgeries ahead are not about creating something that does not exist.  They feel more like refining and enhancing what people can already see in you.  From my perspective that is something worth acknowledging because it reflects how far you have already come.

What also stood out strongly was the moment you described sitting in the hotel room in Philadelphia with less than twelve hours before reporting to the hospital and feeling surprisingly calm.  That says a great deal about your mindset.  It shows preparation, courage and a readiness to take this step.  Reaching that point mentally is an achievement in itself.

From the outside it also seems clear that you have been exploring where you want to go.  You have shared your experiences with HRT, your hair surgery and the times you have presented female in public.  Even while describing yourself as gender fluid it feels like you are carefully working out what feels right for you.  Watching that process has been something many of us appreciate because it shows honesty and self reflection.

I just want to say that what you have already done takes courage and determination and what you are about to achieve deserves recognition.  It is clear that you have prepared yourself both physically and mentally for this step.

Wishing your surgery goes well and a speedy recovery.  Many of us who have been following your story are hoping everything goes well and look forward to hearing how you are doing afterwards.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Courtney G

Sending all the best thoughts your way Courtney!... All shall be well 🌻

Onward Brave Sister!

A💕

Good luck and all my fingers crossed. Sure it's going to be amazing.

Love and hugs Charlotte 😻

Best wishes my dear.

Thank you, all, for the kind words of support!

Best wishes and a speedy recovery.

I hope your surgery went well Courtney.

Chrissy

I'll just offer the usual FFS post op advice: Don't obsess over the mirror. I've even seen people say to avoid mirrors for the first 30 days to give things time to heal and settle.

I met a few people in Boston after their surgeries. The immediate results can be quite dramatic.

Speedy healing!

Hugs, Devlyn

Good to see you again, Girl!

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
You are probably still in recovery... don't try to rush it,
take time to rest and to heal
    ❤️❤️❤️
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Thinking of you today, Courtney. Sending healing energy toward Philadelphia.

Get plenty of rest and stay hydrated.

Thinking of you.

I'm done. I'm home. I'm safe. Yesterday was hellish but I suspect the worst is behind me. More later.

Glad to hear you are home safe. Thanks for the update.

Get lots of rest and let your body heal.

Hugs!

Quote from: Courtney G on March 05, 2026, 12:42:29 PMI'm done. I'm home. I'm safe. Yesterday was hellish but I suspect the worst is behind me. More later.

So glad that you are out and home safely. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Hugs,
Charlotte 😻

Well Done Courageous Sister! Welcome Home!

Hugs!

A 💕

So glad all went well. Take the time to rest and heal now. 

I'm so glad it's done and you're home. Rest and tell us more when you're back to feeling yourself.

Glad you're home, Courtney!
Massive hugs and warm wishes for a speedy recovery!

Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement. It means a lot.

A brief update for as long as I'm able to type...

I said that I wasn't concerned about the pain and suffering; I was worried about the social aspects of this, about dealing with old friends and so on.

I changed my mind. The pain and suffering feels worse than any social discomfort I could imagine. The 90 minute car ride home from Philadelphia Wednesday night was pure hell. The pain I feel when my meds begin to wear off is awful. This big gauze dressing is hot as heck. Trying to sleep, in pain, while propped up by pillows means I sleep for a couple hours in the middle of the night and doze the rest of the time.

Still, I'm over the moon about this. I'm thrilled. I'm so glad I did it. I can't wait to see the results. For those who wish to know, here's what they did:
Chin shave and contour, mandible and forehead contour, eye socket shave, brow lift, hairline advancement, cheek implants

A second procedure in a few months should involve a rhinoplasty revision, lip lift, skin tightening and some fat injections.

The Keystone trans conference starts in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping the swelling is down enough for me to make an appearance. I want to show off my new face, even though it will still be swollen. I feel a sense of pride about my new face, something I've only felt about my breasts to this point. I hope the reality lives up to my expectations.

I feel born again.

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
I am thrilled that you are home and beginning the healing process. Be certain to follow your
doctor's orders during this healing phase.

Regarding the Keystone trans conference in a few weeks. If you decide to attend, I wish for
you a good time if you make an appearance.

Please keep your updates coming.  I am eager to read your future postings.
HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Courtney G on March 06, 2026, 02:43:25 PMThank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement. It means a lot.

A brief update for as long as I'm able to type...

I said that I wasn't concerned about the pain and suffering; I was worried about the social aspects of this, about dealing with old friends and so on.

I changed my mind. The pain and suffering feels worse than any social discomfort I could imagine. The 90 minute car ride home from Philadelphia Wednesday night was pure hell. The pain I feel when my meds begin to wear off is awful. This big gauze dressing is hot as heck. Trying to sleep, in pain, while propped up by pillows means I sleep for a couple hours in the middle of the night and doze the rest of the time.

Still, I'm over the moon about this. I'm thrilled. I'm so glad I did it. I can't wait to see the results. For those who wish to know, here's what they did:
Chin shave and contour, mandible and forehead contour, eye socket shave, brow lift, hairline advancement, cheek implants

A second procedure in a few months should involve a rhinoplasty revision, lip lift, skin tightening and some fat injections.

The Keystone trans conference starts in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping the swelling is down enough for me to make an appearance. I want to show off my new face, even though it will still be swollen. I feel a sense of pride about my new face, something I've only felt about my breasts to this point. I hope the reality lives up to my expectations.

I feel born again.

Crickey that's a lot to get done in one go! No wonder you're sore. No messing around with you, hardcore! The beauty of this will be that you shouldn't need to do it ever again, one and done and a beautiful new you will emerge like a butterfly from a chrysalis!

I am very interested in your journey as FFS is one of the surgeries I plan to get done. Thank you for sharing all the ups and downs and I hope the pain eases soon.

Sarah X

Glad you are healing up. Rest whenever you can. I am sure the pain will subside long before the swelling and bruising do, but it's done! You did it! Now, take it easy and wait for the results to show up.

Hugs!

Hi Courtney

I'm sorry to hear that the worry about how people might react to you has now turned into actually dealing with real pain.  That must make things even harder to cope with.  I hope you are able to get some proper rest and that the pain eases soon.  Wishing you a speedy recovery.  Please take care of yourself.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Courtney G

Quote from: Courtney G on March 06, 2026, 02:43:25 PMI feel born again.

💕👩👍

Congratulations on doing it! Best wishes on dealing with the pain. 
Speedy recovery!

Bone work is much more uncomfortable than skin and tissue work. Jaw surgery was the only work I had done that made me question my decision. Recovery can be quite painful. Do not fall behind on your pain medications. If you think you're feeling good and can skip them for a while, don't! Continue taking them as prescribed for as long as your doctor says. It will get better. One day you will be very happy that you did it. For now, rest, take your pain meds, and remember that you are another step closer to your goal.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

I hope today is better, Courtney!
Less pain and more sleep.
If it's not, I have no doubt tomorrow will be!

TRIGGER WARNING: surgery details, blood, fear of dying

Hi, all. Big big scare last night. I drove myself to the ER at 4:30 AM. The vessels on the top/back of my head were swollen, hard as rocks and painful as hell. I'm on blood thinner injections as a blood clot precaution and I worried that something might burst and I'd bleed out, have a clot, aneurysm or something. There was blood dribbling down the back of my throat. That's why I woke up, because my throat was burning. I figured my drain tube was clogged and there was massive pressure built up. I was scared to death.

Hours of waiting in the hospital, with fear of imminent death was rough. They were unwilling to look at me until all of the bureaucratic boxes were checked and there was a "room" ready. After 3 hours, a really awesome doctor came into my room and saw me. I told her that they didn't peel the scalp back there and even though it felt like drain tube, I don't see how/why they would have put something there when all of the work was done from the forehead down. She agreed. She called my surgeon's team. Took about 35-40 minutes but she came back and verified that it was indeed a 12" plus tube that was installed for drainage. Looks like I wasn't going to die. On the way out the door, another person from my surgeon's office called me (they were paged when I called the number in the wee hours but didn't call me until 4 hours later.

And the blood in my throat is likely sinus bone drainage that was exacerbated by the first blood thinner injection last night.

The drain is likely not running because there's very little left there. The swelling is receding and the nerves are waking up, which is also why it hurt like hell last night.

All this after three days of sleeplessness, hunger, pain, drugs and swelling.

And I didn't meet with my surgeon before the surgery. I think his first patient ran over. I didn't see him after, probably for the same reason. No mention was made of the tube anywhere! I'm going to express my disappointment during my Tuesday follow-up and also in a letter.

It was the perfect storm of converging symptoms, painful swollen lines on the back of my head, and a lack of critical information. I should have been informed that this relatively huge tube was placed there. I don't even know how they got it there and I have to imagine having it removed will be painful.

The upshot is that they should (I hope) remove the confounded tube on Tuesday, along with a pile of staples. That will be heavenly.

While in the ER, sobbing, I made a video, documenting the situation, including the long wait and my fear of dying. I apologized and said goodbye to my wife. It felt that dire.

I'm still uncomfortable and very much afraid of what's to come but I'm filled with gratitude, especially to be alive.

Yikes. I'm so glad it wasn't anything awful. Hang in there, sister. You'll get through this.

Wow. That would have scared the Bejeesus out of me! You did the right thing getting to the ER. I agree they should have told you about drain tubes and what other surprises you might expect.

I suspect that now that you understand what was happening, it feels less scary. I hope your appointment goes well on Tuesday.

Big Hugs!

So glad to hear that it's something and nothing. Does sound scary though. Now you can relax and focus on recovery!

Im right behind you, I'm going under in just over 2 hours!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 08, 2026, 09:39:08 PMSo glad to hear that it's something and nothing. Does sound scary though. Now you can relax and focus on recovery!

Im right behind you, I'm going under in just over 2 hours!

Charlotte 😻

Best wishes, hon. You got this!!!

@Lori Dee @Pema Thank you!

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
Just reading of your dire expediences before and during your ER visit scared
the heck out me!

I am so very glad that you had a good doctor in the ER.
You surely will be looking forward to your appointment with your surgeon. 
I think that you are owed a good explanation.

I will be looking forward to reading your next postings. 
          ❤️❤️❤️
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Scary business indeed Courtney. Glad it turned out not to be as serious as you feared. Still not great though, it should have been explained to you at the time.

They should have at least a nurse tell you what to expect, when I had my bottom op they were very good at follow up. Glad it turned out fine, rest up my dear XX

Such a terrifying ordeal, Courtney!
So glad the medical issues are resolving with no major setback to your recovery.
Massive hugs!

Thanks, ladies, for the words of comfort and support. I'm coming down from that scare pretty well, but it was pretty profound. Makes you think.

As I return my brain from the edge, I return to focusing on healing, and also on the results of this procedure. The difficulty with procedures like these is that after waiting a lifetime for them to happen, we get them done, but are required to be patient for weeks or months for the outcome to be revealed. I can't help but be impatient.

But just a few days post-surgery, I can tell you to a certainty that my appearance has changed to a more feminine one. FaceApp's "gender swap" filter is an oft-used indicator of "do I look male or female?" and in my case, running selfies through it was a disappointment. I could get about 1 out of 15 or 20 photos to work "correctly," where FaceApp would see the default me as female and offer to "swap" my gender to male. I don't recommend this practice for trans people, as it can be a disappointment. Since the surgery, FaceApp genders me "correctly" just about every time, despite the swelling, especially in my jaw.

It's the eyes. My forehead contour is distinctly different and the brow shave/eye lift have opened my eyes up significantly, as promised. I've read studies that outline this important difference in male and female faces and which puts less emphasis on the jawline. This is something my surgeon subscribes to. Something to consider when choosing a surgeon.

The advantage to this surgery is that swelling recedes from the top down, while my chin and jaw have significant swelling, my "upper third" is starting to reveal itself.

It's too soon to post a photo and I'm not sure I wish to share it on a public space but I wish you could all see what I see.

Also, the hairline incision appears to be a masterwork. He used a particular incision technique that is designed for maximum concealability and minimal scarring and hair loss. It looks better than I'd expected.

Stay tuned for more updates. If anyone has any questions about the experience and about how one might prepare for it, I feel I might be able to shed some light, so please don't hesitate to reach out.

Also understand, the effects of the anaesthesia can linger for quite some time during healing, with potentially negative consequences.

Hugs, Devlyn

Glad everything turned out well. Scary stuff. Most of the time when I had any surgery the doctor comes in and explains everything right after surgery. Of course an hour later I remember nothing. The other way is they usually give out some printed documentation of what to expect. Doctor fail for not doing either.
Hugs Gina

It's outrageous they didn't fully inform you during discharge. Full disclosure could have made this much easier and not so scary.  Happy to hear you are on the mend.

I'm so happy for you Courtney. I mean, I know its scary and there lots of pain but it has to be so exciting watching a female you gradually appear day by day. I wouldn't be able to stop looking in the mirror in case I missed something! I really hope I'm able to undergo FFS before too long.

I just received a call from the administrator at the surgery center. She offered lots of empathy and profusely apologized for what I went through. The reason (she didn't offer this as an excuse for poor communication) was that while they don't usually get a drain tube up there, my scalp had enough laxity to allow it, and having it is a benefit. Sheesh.

I asked her about a couple of small bumps I can feel beneath the skin in my forehead, which feel very much like screw heads because I was concerned that they'll be noticeable or will tear through the skin. It turns out that they're a special type of dissolvable fastener, designed to hold everything in place for a few months while they're slowly absorbed. Crazy.

Quote from: Gina P on March 09, 2026, 11:46:16 AMGlad everything turned out well. Scary stuff. Most of the time when I had any surgery the doctor comes in and explains everything right after surgery. Of course an hour later I remember nothing. The other way is they usually give out some printed documentation of what to expect. Doctor fail for not doing either.
Hugs Gina

Thanks. It was a bit of a disappointment, and I'm not even going to be able to see him tomorrow. But so far, I think his work has been excellent. As you know, a surgeon who sees you for every visit and who glad-hands you isn't necessarily a good one! Fortunately, except for this omission, the documentation was pretty detailed.

Quote from: Rochelle on March 09, 2026, 12:12:13 PMIt's outrageous they didn't fully inform you during discharge. Full disclosure could have made this much easier and not so scary.  Happy to hear you are on the mend.

Agreed! Thanks.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 09, 2026, 12:51:18 PMI'm so happy for you Courtney. I mean, I know its scary and there lots of pain but it has to be so exciting watching a female you gradually appear day by day. I wouldn't be able to stop looking in the mirror in case I missed something! I really hope I'm able to undergo FFS before too long.

Thank you. I'm trying to avoid looking too often, actually, because the longer I wait, the more significant the difference as the swelling recedes.

I hope you can get that FFS done.

EDIT:
PS: I'm headed into Philly tomorrow to get (hopefully) staples and tubes removed and my thinned blood has me concerned. The surgeon's office told me that I don't need to skip my morning anticoagulant shot but I'm getting an OTC anti coagulant because even the tiniest scrape into my skin causes noticeable bleeding.

Hey Courtney!

Glad you are okay sister... I had an OMG I'm gonna die moment alone in a hotel recovering from bottom surgery and I know how scary it can be... Sounds like communication could have been a bit better for sure but, I hope in days to come, you view this experience and discomfort for what it is... A brave journey of rebirth taken on by a most courageous and beautiful woman... Enjoy every bit of what your courage brings you girl! The world is yours... 🌻

Onward!

A💕

@tgirlamg Thank you! It was scary for sure!

Update:
I did indeed drive into Philly yesterday, a packet of anticoagulant powder on the seat next to me. Since I'm on blood thinners, it could be hard to stop the bleeding if I got a decent cut. I drove carefully because of that and also because of the accumulated fatigue from meds, pain and poor sleep.

The woman who pulled the stuff out of my head was very sweet. She had to pull hard to get the ~14" drain tube out from beneath my scalp! It's not something I ever want to experience again. Getting the staples and sutures pulled after that was comparatively a breeze. The whole thing was a massive relief. I still had lots of soreness but the acute pressure and sting was finally gone.

I rewarded myself with some pad thai at the mall on the way home, sitting there in the food with dark glasses on to cover the remaining bruises in that area and a hair band across my forehead incision (hereafter to be referred to as "incision"). I had to take my pink face mask off to eat, unfortunately. I was sitting there, as a woman, with a new face, in fairly modest clothes (a men's cut button-down shirt that revealed a bit of shape and a comfortable pair of women's jeans. No one seemed to notice or bother with me and a I felt a little less self-conscious than before the surgery. Simply put, I do look much more female from the bridge of my nose up.

But the next stop blew my mind. I stopped at one of my favorite grocery stores. This one is interesting because there seems to be at least 3 LGBTQIA+ people employed there. This is in a deeply conservative part of my state. In my pink mask, I made eye contact with an AMAB person there who appears to be transitioning. As she handed me the sack of fried chicken (for my wife) she said "have a nice day" with the slightest lift in her voice. This is a person that usually appears pretty withdrawn. I think she "saw" me and felt a connection. I hope that happens again.

Here's where it gets interesting: walking out of the grocery store, still wearing the mask over my swollen, bruised chin, sunglasses hanging in the vee of my top, I notice a young man walking toward me, toward the entrance as I'm walking out. He slows down slightly but he's taking up most of the walking space. I slow down a bit and move to the right, near the cart corral. He walks past me and smiles at me.

For the briefest moment, I didn't know what to make of that. Why did he smile? Then I realized: he was checking me out and slowed down a bit to do so, then smiled a bit to make a connection. The tall person who was walking toward him was a tall woman with a slim figure. That woman was me. THAT has never happened before.

Wow

It wasn't until I got home and showered a bit later that I was able to get a look at the incision and I have say that I'm very pleased. It's very clean and very very flat and very close to my hairline, going into the hairs at some points. It continues horizontally about 3" inches into the sides of my head and down a bit. I don't know how he was able to do that. It's lovely. I'm sure he was extremely careful but I'm going to be mindful of the possibility that some hairs could be buried now beneath my scalp and would behave as ingrown ones.

I'm wanting to get to the Keystone Conference more and more as the healing progresses.

This all sounds wonderful Courtney. Everyday is going to get better and better. I'm so chuffed for you. Keep the updates coming, I'm enjoying these little revalations as much as the rest of your journey. How long before you can use make up again or are you already using it? I'm wondering if concealer might help a bit with the bruising maybe?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 11, 2026, 02:32:29 PMThis all sounds wonderful Courtney. Everyday is going to get better and better. I'm so chuffed for you. Keep the updates coming, I'm enjoying these little revalations as much as the rest of your journey. How long before you can use make up again or are you already using it? I'm wondering if concealer might help a bit with the bruising maybe?

Thanks so much. It's nice to know that you're reading along. I don't know when I can use makeup, but my chin is very swollen, sore and numb. I'm on blood thinners so I have to shave very carefully. With the swelling, I'm not really feeling up to putting makeup on. Plus, I'm not really going out much at all. We'll see how I feel in a couple of days, as things are improving.

I'm waiting for the surgeon's office to see when I might be allowed to resume electrolysis appointments.

  @Courtney_G

Dear Courtney:
Rest assured, all of your avid readers and followers including myself
are "reading along" with your journey.

I know that our members have been rooting for success and healing for your
surgery.  I had put you on my prayer list along with my church-gals group
that I meet with on Sunday's at church and also at our weekly Bible Studies.
 
Please, as you feel comfortable doing, keep your updates coming.
        ❤️❤️❤️
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

I hope you heal well and quickly.

Chrissy

It sounds like things are progressing wonderfully. I am so happy for you!

Arnica cream is good for bruises, but not while on blood thinners. It is a topical blood thinner to help reduce bruising. After you are off the thinners, you should be able to use it sparingly on the worst bruises. If that interests you, talk to your doctor at your next check-up.

Guess what? YOU DID IT!
Congrats.

Result!! Look after yourself dear as it will take a good while for things to settle.

Many more experiences like that to come. Enjoy!

Glad to hear that you have had your tubes and staples removed without issue. Glad you are happy with the results too which is the main thing. I'm dreading getting my tubes removed now lol as sounds evil! Two in my head either side.

You're definitely brave having jaw work done as well. I've totally decided now I wont be having that done, this has been bad enough experience for lifetime!

Charlotte 😻

I think your face looked rather feminine before the surgery Courtney. 

Hugs,


Chrissy

Hi Courtney

It's good to hear you are recovering very well and that the drain tubes, staples and sutures are now out.  That must have been a massive relief and I am sure the healing will continue.  As I have said and as others have said, your photo shows that you already look very much like a female.  Given your points of view when you were out in public, you have realised what we on Susan's already know, you are already a female.

When you have fully healed and go out publicly as Courtney you are going to be stunned both figuratively and literally by the interactions with the public.  I bet my bottom dollar that is exactly what will happen and of course the same will happen at the Keystone Conference.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Courtney G

I've finally gone ahead and booked some electrolysis sessions. I don't like that I had to take such a long break, so I'll be glad to start up in early April.

I've had a persistent sore throat but just heard from the surgeon's office who told me that it's probably unrelated to the surgery. Whatever. I hope it eases up soon. And I hate gargling with salt water.

Yesterday was the first day since surgery in which I felt really productive. I'm behind on many things, so it felt good to get stuff done. Today is shaping up to be similar. I guess my body is getting back on track.

Speaking of back on track, I'm eating properly again. My appetite arrived several days ago but I didn't seem to be able to eat much in one sitting. As of about two days ago, my food intake has increased a lot. It seems like my body is trying to make up for lost time. I just hope it all goes to my hips and butt!

About this morning:
I felt a little down yesterday, annoyed at what seems like a grotesquely swollen chin, which makes my mouth look tiny (the swelling in my lips is gone), some generally unfavorable lighting, and an overall sense of failure. I let it go.
Lo and behold, I got out of the shower this morning and felt quite different. I shaved, which was nice, albeit difficult with a numb chin and whilst on a blood thinner(!) and I even put a bit of concealer, foundation and lipstick on. I rarely wear makeup and haven't felt like it since before the surgery but it felt good to pamper myself.

As I continue to assess the changes and think about the game plan, my confidence increases that what they've done for me so far, combined with the second phase of changes is going to result in a very female-looking me. It really gives me hope.

My desire to go to the Keystone conference increases with every passing day. I suspect I'll just drive there Saturday morning, spend the day with my friends and head home on Saturday night. Not sure yet, but that feels like the plan. And it feels different now, all of it. I feel like I can present myself with an increased level of confidence. Not the shy little doe I was before but more a person who can own their identity and be comfortable in their own skin. Having a really cute top to wear doesn't hurt! I bought something that shows off the girls and that always feels great.

Glad you treated yourself to some electrolysis Courtney. With your surgery you're well on your way to being the woman you envisage.

So nice to hear you're feeling you and ready to take everything on again apart from your throat. This always gets you down, but compared to surgery pain I guess minor!

Despite the ups and downs it sounds like your mind and body is eager and getting back on track. You're slaying already by the sounds of it so keep going girl 🙂

Charlotte xXx

I had a sore throat after surgeries. The surgeon told me it is a minor irritation from being intubated. They kept me breathing, so it was a small price to pay. It should clear up soon.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. I can tell your mindset has shifted to a more positive one (not that you were negative at all). Just keep looking forward. The best is yet to come!

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 13, 2026, 02:17:35 PMI had a sore throat after surgeries. The surgeon told me it is a minor irritation from being intubated. They kept me breathing, so it was a small price to pay. It should clear up soon.

I spoke with the surgeon's office and they claim I should not have a sore throat, that it must be happening for some other reason. I don't get it. It's really bothering me on top of everything else and I would love for it to go away.

I've read that intubation can cause a sore throat, but I didn't experience it at all either. Assume if so Courtney, you'd have felt straight after surgery.

Your immunity was hit by surgery, so could either have caught a cold or bacterial throat infection whilst weakened. These things are just opportunist for your immunity being low. I hope you get better soon that's for sure. If you can have a nice long lay in,  I find that helps.

Charlotte 😻

Well, my wife, who happens to be a certified pharmacy technician did some research and it turns out that I could have one of a couple of funguses or something that somehow got back there.

It also turns out that the medicated mouthwash that the doctor provided for dental hygiene can be used to knock these things out. So, I'm going to gargle with it 3 times a day for the weekend and see what happens.

@Courtney_G
Dear Courtney:
Regarding your sore throat I trust that your frequent mouth wash treatments
solve the problem for you.

Just so you know, and as Charlotte and Lori Dee mentioned:
A post surgery sore throat is often a result of the intubation
that is done as a part of the anesthesia procedure...
 ...and I have certainly experienced a sore throat after the surgeries I have had.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on March 13, 2026, 10:33:53 PM@Courtney_G
Dear Courtney:
Regarding your sore throat I trust that your frequent mouth wash treatments
solve the problem for you.

Just so you know, and as Charlotte and Lori Dee mentioned:
A post surgery sore throat is often a result of the intubation
that is done as a part of the anesthesia procedure...
 ...and I have certainly experienced a sore throat after the surgeries I have had.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Agreed - that was my thought. But my surgeon's office tells me that a persistent sore throat 8 days after surgery is not related to the intubation.

I passed again. As a woman.

I have volunteered as a canvasser for a regional politician. I believe I can make a difference. If I'm honest, it's also good exposure therapy as I continue to change my appearance. Out there, knocking on doors, I'm Courtney, and Courtney could present as male or female, as I choose. It's a democratic candidate, so they're fine with me either way.

On the way to the training meeting, I had to stop at a drug store, as my right eye was really bothering me (I think I got some hair mask in it whilst showering this morning). I was dressed down again: girl's jeans, a loose purple men's top, an unbuttoned olive drag men's light jacket. A little concealer to help minimize the two remaining bruises on my face and a bit of foundation to even things out. I put some lipstick on, but it was such a subtle color, one might not even know I was wearing it. Absolutely zero eye makeup, contouring or blush.

I grabbed some eye drops and walked to the register. As I approached, the elderly female cashier asked "how are you today, ma'am?" Whoa.

That's two for two. Out in public twice and two occasions of passing. To me, it doesn't mean that I pass; it means that I can pass. It was thrilling. It set the mood for the rest of the afternoon.

The canvassing group was all women (6 including me), except for the person running it. These women were so nice to me, touching my arm and treating me as a woman. I think they all knew I was trans, as no one expressed any surprise when I later shared the fact that I was. But one of them got up and hugged me after I told them. I explained my surgery and received sympathetic noises all around. One women said she thought I was "so brave." The whole thing felt great. Oh, and one of them took me to the ladies' room because I was afraid to go.

And the campaign people think I should make some contributions beyond canvassing. I'll likely help with strategy.

What's happening with me now is this: this subtle change in my appearance has given me the confidence to be out more, to take chances. I feel less clockable, more convincing. This lifts my spirits and makes it possible for me to go out the door with my breasts showing because I don't feel like I need to explain. I know that I don't pass 100% or even 50% of the time; I can't withstand any scrutiny. Passing with a face mask on or in front of an old woman who isn't really even looking at me is no great achievement, but it's enough to give me more hope than I've ever had.

We'll see where it goes from here. I can't wait for the next round of surgery. I really need a new nose.

What a lovely post Courtney, and what a lovely day you've had too by the sounds of it. They seem like a really nice group of women to be working with.

Courtney!...

What a wonderful report so soon after your procedure... Like I said... The World Is Yours!... Live it all and Love it all 💕🤗💕

Onward Beautiful Sister!

A 💕

That is wonderful, Courtney! As you can tell, that has boosted your confidence. It won't be long, and you'll be running for office yourself!

Congrats on such a great experience.

Many more experiences to come. Enjoy! 
Nothing like having a man hold the door for you.

So glad yo hear that you've experienced passing again. But also feeling confident to get out there. Makes it all worthwhile at least that's for sure.

Charlotte 😻

That is so awesome, Courtney! And I hope your candidate wins.

Thanks, ladies! It was quite a good day, for sure. I'm going to try to carry that positivity forward for as long as I'm able.

A brief update:

My chin remains the only numb area, but I'm starting to feel a little sensation there. The swelling continues to recede. My scalp is still pretty sore, with sore wounds in various areas, beneath my hair.

I've committed to going to the Keystone Conference on Saturday. It's a 2.5 hour drive for me, so I'll head out in the morning, spend the day, then home late at night. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends there.

In other news, my appetite has come back with a vengeance. I don't know if it's because my body is healing or hormones, but I have an insatiable sweet tooth, or "snack tooth" for in-between meal munching. I hope this means that something is changing. Perhaps I'll put 5 or 10 pounds on my lower area. That would give me more of the shape that I've dreamt about.

As I move forward, I'm continually aware of a shift in my thinking. I feel less afraid of being discovered, less fearful of the consequences of coming out and more aligned with my identity as female. It's an interesting feeling. As I heal from this surgery and anticipate the second phase, I can't help but wonder how that might affect my confidence and identity. It's exciting.

  @Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
I very much enjoyed reading your "good news" report.

I am also happy that you are going ahead with your previous plans to go to the Keystone Conference.

Drive safe, stay safe, and enjoy your conference and visiting with your friends there.
        ❤️❤️❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Great to hear that you're healing and getting progress with the numbing. Does seem to take time, but the results as you mention are worth it!

We must be quite different as I've been craving sweet stuff since coming around from the anaesthesia! Sweet Chai lattes abd turkish delight! Glad you have some appetite now too.

Charlotte 😻

I'm glad the healing is coming along. I will miss Keystone and seeing the old friends this year. Many fond memories of times there. So glad your confidence level has gone up. I hope the inner girl can celebrate herself outwardly more now!

Healing progresses, with a few bumps in the road. I've had a sore throat since surgery - not fun! My surgeon's office said it's "not due to the surgery" and that I should see my GP. I'd had a theory that it was ongoing irritation from drainage down the back of my throat from the nasal bone area. They cut and reconstructed that area, so it would stand to reason that there would be stuff in there - that stuff is very destructive to the mucus that resides in the throat and the constant dribble has resulted in some serious irritation.

My theory might have been proven correct, as while getting ready for Keystone and while driving there I expelled two large chunks of oldish "organic material" which had been residing up in my sinuses, and my throat, while sore, feels different, a little better. I'm hoping it continues to improve.

The second issue is that I have a painful lump in one of my armpits. Some Googling reveals that it's likely a swollen lymph node, probably from trying to process post-surgical drainage from my head. It burns sometimes when I put my arm at my side. When I put my arm behind me, I get shooting pain and pins and needles all the way to my palm on that side. It seems to be improving a little.

The third issue is that I have a lot of irritation in my right eye, like there's some sort of sore or abrasion. It hurts most at the end of the day and I wake up with my eye slightly glued shut.

I was able to see my doctor today, and she came up with the following:
1. She agrees with me regarding my throat. She suggests I continue sucking on lozenges and see if it continues to improve.
2. While she thinks the armpit issue could be from drainage, she also thinks I may have endured some nerve injury while splayed out on the operating table for 5 hours. She used to be a surgical nurse and she pointed out that it's a strong possibility
3. She prescribed something for my eye issue

On to better stuff:

In about two weeks, the following happens:
1. I will be finished with 2x/day injections of the blood thinner (yay)
2. I will resume electrolysis on my face (also yay)
3. I'll see my surgeon for analysis and second surgery phase planning (totally yay)

While at the hospital yesterday for my doctor visit and while waiting in a common area for my blood draw, an employee came out and called "<deadname>". I wasn't looking forward to that but haven't yet called to try to make arrangements to have my name changed. I stoop up sheepishly and walked toward the person and an older woman who was seated said to me "She said '<deadname>'." She assumed that I misheard because the employee obviously called out a male name. So yeah, I guess I passed again, with no makeup and with my breasts mostly hidden. I could get used to this.

Some days, I look in the mirror and when the lighting isn't kind, I think "I don't look female enough, don't look the way I'd hoped to." Then I see someone who hasn't seen me for a while (like a friend I saw on Sunday or my doctor yesterday) and they gush about how different I look. And while it's obviously not all upside, my self-perception and the way others are reacting to me has given me a confidence I've never had. I ran my errands yesterday with purple-painted fingernails and a proper women's top beneath my hoodie, with earrings gleaming. My women's jeans were tight and flattering. Even though I wasn't trying to present as a woman, I felt like one. Yes, there's a bit of a feeling of being a spectacle; a man trying to pass as a woman (I think that feeling is pretty common for trans people), but I'm less apologetic about it. I'm more confident, less fearful. This is what I was hoping for. It's the gift that FFS has given to me. It's a long road from here because I still lack the confidence that others have in their appearance, but I'm more willing than ever to try to be out in the world as myself.

Definitely some speed bumps, but I am glad you got them checked out.

I am very happy to hear how this has affected your mindset. Your confidence and attitude have certainly improved, and I think it will only get better. You went into this with a positive attitude, and it is paying off.

Thanks for sharing this.

Sorry to hear of the complications you are having. But it does sound like you have some ways forward now at least. I do hope you get rid of that sore throat soon as they are rough. Your theory is right because I have pretty permenant post nasal drip and with it a permenant irritated throat.

Good to hear you're getting out and about though and enjoying the results. That at least makes it all worthwhile.

Charlotte 😻

@Lori Dee Thanks for the encouragement

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 24, 2026, 11:35:29 AMSorry to hear of the complications you are having. But it does sound like you have some ways forward now at least. I do hope you get rid of that sore throat soon as they are rough. Your theory is right because I have pretty permenant post nasal drip and with it a permenant irritated throat.

Good to hear you're getting out and about though and enjoying the results. That at least makes it all worthwhile.

Charlotte 😻

Thanks, hon. It's comforting to know that you've had the same, albeit unpleasant, experience with your throat. If you don't mind, let's keep in touch on this one.

Glad to hear healing is coming along. I'm sure a few hickups are to be expected. Glad its nothing serious.

Quote from: Gina P on March 25, 2026, 07:44:10 AMGlad to hear healing is coming along. I'm sure a few hickups are to be expected. Glad it's nothing serious.

Thanks, Gina.

I have been putting erythromycin gel in my eye since yesterday afternoon and the combination of irritation and light sensitivity is driving me nuts. I have a lot of work to do (via computer) and around 9:30 PM yesterday, I had to step away and close my eyes. Put more gel in around 7:00 AM and I'm still feeling lousy. It turns out that light sensitivity is a side effect of the gel. I'm working again now and may have to take short breaks throughout the day.

My throat seems to be improving a small amount every day, as does the pain in my armpit. I look forward to the day when I don't have any numbness, pain or other discomfort. This experience has made me think about people less fortunate than me, who suffer from chronic daily pain. I just can't imagine...

I have a problem with dry eyes, especially after blepharoplasty. My doctor said we don't blink enough. When we get involved with screen time, computers, video games, and movies, we tend not to blink as often, and our eyes get dry.

Taking breaks is a good idea. Try to remember to blink while working.

Hope it resolves soon.

Hugs!

Sounds like you are still suffering some side effects. I hope that they pass soon. Regards eyes my surgeon gave me antibiotic drops and these viscotears drops to use daily straight after surgery, so subsequently not had any issues. May have been because I had blepharoplasty too. But I wonder if this might happen commonly after swelling and such.

Sending love and hugs x

@Lori Dee @Charlotte Kitty It seems I have/had some sort of abrasion or sore on my eyeball. This didn't pop up until a couple of weeks after surgery. Not sure what happened there. In any case, the annoying erythromycin seems to be doing its job, as the irritation is slowly clearing up. The medication makes me sensitive to light - it hurts. I'll be happy when this is over.

Speaking of "over," I think my sore throat is winding down. I'm down to a dull ache right now. I'm still popping throat lozenges to soothe it.

And my armpit/breast side/lymph node sore "lump" also seems to be calming down. It's spread out a bit and is a sore area rather than a localized hotspot. They said that this was major surgery and that recovery might not come without some complications. I guess they were right.

In other news, I'm sitting across from my wife at dinner last night and she says "Your face does look different today. It looks more feminine." I just about fell out of my chair. She also said "It feels strange to me that you look different. Like you're becoming a different person. And I don't know who that is." to which I replied "I'm still me! If anything, I'm more me." This is an ongoing, difficult adjustment for her.

It's easy to forget how major it really is. I think the fact they get you out of hospital so quick trivialises it somewhat. But really they body has so much to sort out after such trauma. I'm glad things are slowly on the mend for you however. All I have is some soreness and a couple of areas with seroma under the scalp. Just hoping they clear up sometime.

Great that your wife is noticing the change in your appearance even if it does take some time to process. Really it'll be an emotional time for you both. Here it's really easy - my boyfriend isn't really bothered either way how I look! He's just glad I survived.

Charlotte 😻

It is reassuring that she sees you as looking more feminine. It will be an adjustment for her, probably more than anyone else. Give her time. You did the right thing, reassuring her that you are not only the same person, but a better version of that person.

I hope the eye heals up quickly. I know how annoying that can be.

Hugs!

Last night, it was warm enough for me to wear a pair of pajama shorts and a cami (a basic tank top, really). I just love the way my body looks in these clothes and I've been waiting forever for the weather to warm up. (A cold front came through today, so I'm back in flannel pajamas!)

I was in bed with my wife and I climbed a bit closer to her and turned to face her. She smiled and I kissed her gently, then stared into her eyes for a bit. I caught her eyes darting to my body a couple of times. I felt sexy, pretty. In my dreams, she soon discovers that she does like women and that she's repressed that feeling. But she's not really connected to those feelings, so the revelation seems unlikely. At least I felt good about myself.

I'm heading into town tomorrow to participate in a local No Kings rally. A lot of people are really worked up over trump's horrible performance with the economy, the war in Iran, the lies, the insults, discrediting journalists, the Epstein files, the blatant racism and bigotry and the attempts to demonize, nay, to erase trans people ("your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation"). I'm volunteering for a regional politician and will be there to support her. I'm looking forward to it. The damage to our great country has got to stop.

My eye is still sore, but I guess it's on the mend. The same with my throat. My chin is still numb, but not completely. Everything gets a little better. I'm super tired of the soreness and all of the stitches in my jaw. I can't wait until I can eat without pain and with less difficulty. One day at a time.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 27, 2026, 08:13:53 PMLast night, it was warm enough for me to wear a pair of pajama shorts and a cami (a basic tank top, really). I just love the way my body looks in these clothes and I've been waiting forever for the weather to warm up. (A cold front came through today, so I'm back in flannel pajamas!)

I was in bed with my wife and I climbed a bit closer to her and turned to face her. She smiled and I kissed her gently, then stared into her eyes for a bit. I caught her eyes darting to my body a couple of times. I felt sexy, pretty. In my dreams, she soon discovers that she does like women and that she's repressed that feeling. But she's not really connected to those feelings, so the revelation seems unlikely. At least I felt good about myself.

I'm heading into town tomorrow to participate in a local No Kings rally. A lot of people are really worked up over trump's horrible performance with the economy, the war in Iran, the lies, the insults, discrediting journalists, the Epstein files, the blatant racism and bigotry and the attempts to demonize, nay, to erase trans people ("your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation"). I'm volunteering for a regional politician and will be there to support her. I'm looking forward to it. The damage to our great country has got to stop.

My eye is still sore, but I guess it's on the mend. The same with my throat. My chin is still numb, but not completely. Everything gets a little better. I'm super tired of the soreness and all of the stitches in my jaw. I can't wait until I can eat without pain and with less difficulty. One day at a time.

I wish you the best for your ongoing recovery.

I will be at a rally tomorrow too.

Stay safe out there.

The French had the best cure for bad leaders!!!

Quote from: Courtney G on March 27, 2026, 08:13:53 PMLast night, it was warm enough for me to wear a pair of pajama shorts and a cami (a basic tank top, really). I just love the way my body looks in these clothes and I've been waiting forever for the weather to warm up. (A cold front came through today, so I'm back in flannel pajamas!)

I was in bed with my wife and I climbed a bit closer to her and turned to face her. She smiled and I kissed her gently, then stared into her eyes for a bit. I caught her eyes darting to my body a couple of times. I felt sexy, pretty. In my dreams, she soon discovers that she does like women and that she's repressed that feeling. But she's not really connected to those feelings, so the revelation seems unlikely. At least I felt good about myself.

I'm heading into town tomorrow to participate in a local No Kings rally. A lot of people are really worked up over trump's horrible performance with the economy, the war in Iran, the lies, the insults, discrediting journalists, the Epstein files, the blatant racism and bigotry and the attempts to demonize, nay, to erase trans people ("your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation"). I'm volunteering for a regional politician and will be there to support her. I'm looking forward to it. The damage to our great country has got to stop.

My eye is still sore, but I guess it's on the mend. The same with my throat. My chin is still numb, but not completely. Everything gets a little better. I'm super tired of the soreness and all of the stitches in my jaw. I can't wait until I can eat without pain and with less difficulty. One day at a time.

Well that's gratifying to hear. It get's almost no coverage over here. If all you believe is the media it seems like you guys aren't protesting at all. Good on ya!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 28, 2026, 04:50:24 AMWell that's gratifying to hear. It get's almost no coverage over here. If all you believe is the media it seems like you guys aren't protesting at all. Good on ya!

Oh my goodness! The first two No Kings rallies drew 5 million and 7 million people, respectively, breaking records. What's notable is that there were 2700 events across all 50 states, often in very red areas. They're massive, and today's rally might be the biggest yet.

I'm quite surprised you haven't seen much news coverage. There was a lot of coverage here, just not on conservative media. And our media has shifted might more to the right lately, with consolidation of major outlets by conservative ownership. This has given rise to a huge presence of alternative media, such as podcasters. The progressive MeidasTouch podcast has dethroned Joe Rogan for the most popular slot and Rogan himself is turning against trump due to the Epstein coverup and the utter failure of his administration.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 28, 2026, 08:10:55 AMOh my goodness! The first two No Kings rallies drew 5 million and 7 million people, respectively, breaking records. What's notable is that there were 2700 events across all 50 states, often in very red areas. They're massive, and today's rally might be the biggest yet.

I'm quite surprised you haven't seen much news coverage. There was a lot of coverage here, just not on conservative media. And our media has shifted might more to the right lately, with consolidation of major outlets by conservative ownership. This has given rise to a huge presence of alternative media, such as podcasters. The progressive MeidasTouch podcast has dethroned Joe Rogan for the most popular slot and Rogan himself is turning against trump due to the Epstein coverup and the utter failure of his administration.

I've heard of the phrase "No kings rally" from a year or so ago but nah, not much on uk coverage. We're more likely to see footage of Trump and his political rallies than any sort of opposition. We rarely hear the views of any opposing politicians over there. Makes me think they are just letting everything happen.

To be fair it isn't our country. I'm sure a lot of the mass protests in the UK aren't covered over there either. We had enormous pro palestinian rallys during the Gaza onslaught in the UK for example. Our media is too busy highlighting Trumps absurdities and his insults.

Lot's of Epstein coverage here though. We are at least starting to hold people to account though really I think some jail time is required, Royal or not.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 28, 2026, 08:26:25 AMnot much on uk coverage.

I'll abstain from continuing a politically-based discussion here, but will say this first:

Yeah, I'd imagine the UK isn't keen on covering a "we don't want a king to rule our country" movement, lol.

trump and co (Mar-a-Lago, Melania et al) appears in the Epstein files 38,000 times but the administration has taken over the FBI, along with most other independent branches and departments of our government (hence the "kings" issue) so our conservative-majority federal government no longer has any interest in holding people responsible for child abuse and trafficking. magas were insane over wanting justice until their boy appeared in the files; now it's crickets. Same with the economy - trump got elected on "no wars" and "lower prices" but look at conservative news and magas on social media and they're ok with both the Iran war and the high fuel prices now. trump never had a plan for lowering prices. He's a carnival barker and the more vulnerable believed him. The other folks who support him are wealthy people who just want the tax cuts, which they refer to as "less government." They'd be happy if we cleaned the unhoused from the streets and dumped them into the ocean, and so on.

This will all change drastically after our midterm elections unless trump is able to cancel them, which is his goal, since he's hemorrhaging support among moderates.

Interesting times.

In other news, my body keeps slowly changing. I have hips! I look in the mirror and see a female shape. It's most apparent when I'm unclothed but my clothes do fit differently these days. I do want more - I want an unmistakably full and round bottom to compliment my torso. Not only will this make me happy, it will make it obvious that I'm physically female. The women on my mother's side all have big bottoms, so I'm hoping I can put some extra pounds on that part of me despite my hummingbird metabolism.

That's a lovely moment for you Courtney. It's funny how the fat redistribution thing happens. It's going on the whole time but then suddenly you catch sight of yourself in the mirror at a particular angle and bam there it is! Where the hell did that come from? It sort of sneaks up on you!

I have the classic saddlebag upper thighs and hips but need to fill out more in the butt department. It may happen, it may not but it's fun watching my body evolve! HRT is awesome!

I get plenty of coverage of US on my FB, some good turn outs showing for the rallies today.

Quote from: davina61 on March 28, 2026, 01:30:03 PMI get plenty of coverage of US on my FB, some good turn outs showing for the rallies today.

I can't believe anything thats on there anymore Davina. So many Ai or otherwise bull poop stories. It's so hard to know whats true and whats not.

The estimates so far for No Kings rally turnouts are 8-9 million people, making yesterday the largest single day protest in history.

Good effort by all concerend.

I recently noticed that my leg hairs, which have been growing for a few months, are about 20% as dense as they used to be and the hairs are thinner. Pre-hrt, you'd be able to see that I had hairy legs from 30' away but there's a big difference in the number of hairs per inch now. The same has happened with my arm hairs. I'm surprised that these changes continue to pop up after 4 years of HRT.

I was fortunate in that I slowly lost all non-female-patterned body hair over the first two years of HRT. My legs only have hair growing below the kneecaps. My bikini area hair has shrunk in size (nothing on my thighs or lower belly, no trail to my belly button). No hair on my butt, chest, belly, etc. I had a little bit on the top of my shoulders before, which really bugged me, but that's gone, too. I don't have to shave anywhere except my face, underarms and lower legs.

My breasts have softened over the past 6 months or so. They've always been firm, with a large mass of glands inside, but there's a nice, soft, squishy layer of fat on top now. I'm sure someone would love to play with them. Unfortunately, there's no one in my life who is willing. That's the sick joke about all of this: I wanted to have breasts since I knew what they were and am now with a partner who won't go near them, not even as a favor to me. Having said that, I still adore them.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 01, 2026, 08:58:10 AMHaving said that, I still adore them.

I tell people that I didn't transition for others. I did it for me. These boobs are mine, go get your own!

🤣

Quote from: Courtney G on April 01, 2026, 08:58:10 AMI recently noticed that my leg hairs, which have been growing for a few months, are about 20% as dense as they used to be and the hairs are thinner. Pre-hrt, you'd be able to see that I had hairy legs from 30' away but there's a big difference in the number of hairs per inch now. The same has happened with my arm hairs. I'm surprised that these changes continue to pop up after 4 years of HRT.

I was fortunate in that I slowly lost all non-female-patterned body hair over the first two years of HRT. My legs only have hair growing below the kneecaps. My bikini area hair has shrunk in size (nothing on my thighs or lower belly, no trail to my belly button). No hair on my butt, chest, belly, etc. I had a little bit on the top of my shoulders before, which really bugged me, but that's gone, too. I don't have to shave anywhere except my face, underarms and lower legs.

My breasts have softened over the past 6 months or so. They've always been firm, with a large mass of glands inside, but there's a nice, soft, squishy layer of fat on top now. I'm sure someone would love to play with them. Unfortunately, there's no one in my life who is willing. That's the sick joke about all of this: I wanted to have breasts since I knew what they were and am now with a partner who won't go near them, not even as a favor to me. Having said that, I still adore them.

Sorry to hear your partner isn't as accecepting of your changes as she could be. Still it is nice to have breasts for yourself more than anything. Mine are also rounded out now. I guess that means they are Tanner stage 4 or 5 by now.

My hair has thinned dramatically over the years. I still shave legs every three days or so but there is nothing to see on them. It just feels ever so faintly stubbley and I prefer silky smooth. One of these days I'm just going to leave it all as an experiment to see what hair I've got left. I have left them for two weeks before when on a joint holiday with people who didn't know I was trans but there was still hardly any noticable hair growth on legs. I don't have hair on belly, happy trail upper arms back chest or shoulders anymore. I got into the habbit of shaving my forearms when I first started so don't know about fore arms. That will probably be my first test to let the hair grow.

HRT is so cool!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 01, 2026, 09:40:34 AMSorry to hear your partner isn't as accecepting of your changes as she could be. Still it is nice to have breasts for yourself more than anything. Mine are also rounded out now. I guess that means they are Tanner stage 4 or 5 by now.

Thanks. It was a calculation I made. I was already in my mid 50s when my egg cracked and I told my wife (my girlfriend at the time). She wasn't happy but she accepted me and we slowly moved forward, as we continue to do today. My "new" body is pretty normal for both of us but she has some difficulty with my newfound body positivity as her body ages. I don't really get much validation from her.

I've read countless accounts of lives being torn apart after one comes out, of pain and loss, and I consider myself very lucky, especially at this age when so many know they can't come out without losing almost everything. Fortunately, HRT has helped quell my desire for intimacy but it's still difficult at times.

I think mine are Tanner V, although they could be IV. I can't imagine them getting much bigger on this torso of mine. But I don't complain!

Courtney, you sound like such a nice person.  Thank you for your willingness to share.



Chrissy

  @Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
Your description of your body hair after years of HRT is much like mine. 
I have not needed to any shave body hair areas for years now. 

I now no longer need to undergo Electrolysis anymore....  a big savings $$$

Also what you described about your breasts is very similar to my breasts after years of HRT.
They are plenty big ...and soft, but nicely perky... 😀
I started HRT back in March of 2015, just over 11 years ago and been Full-Time since December 2016.

I am wishing you well in you continuing journey and please keep updates coming.
      ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

@ChrissyRyan Thank you, love - that's very kind. Well, I can be quite sarcastic, almost sardonic at times with a biting whit. But I consider myself a good person and the idea of coming off as mean breaks my heart. I was never the bully growing up; I hung out with the nerds and weirdos because I felt I belonged with them.

@Northern Star Girl: After 4.25 years, I'm really starting to see a more female overall body shape. As I understand it, those curves are more a part of the 5-10 year plan than the 1-5 year one. Was that your experience? I feel it's important to me to present an unmistakably female profile and that goes beyond simply having breasts. It seems that switching to estradiol injections from patches earlier this year has turbocharged some changes, even after years of HRT.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 01, 2026, 12:27:29 PMI think mine are Tanner V, although they could be IV. I can't imagine them getting much bigger on this torso of mine. But I don't complain!

The difference between Tanner stages is:

Stage 4: Areola elevated above the contour of the breast, forming a "double scoop" appearance
(think "puffy" nipples)

Stage 5: The areolar mound recedes into a single breast contour with areolar hyperpigmentation, papillae development, and nipple protrusion

Just clarifying that it is not about breast size.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 01, 2026, 01:14:20 PM@Northern Star Girl: After 4.25 years, I'm really starting to see a more female overall body shape. As I understand it, those curves are more a part of the 5-10 year plan than the 1-5 year one. Was that your experience? I feel it's important to me to present an unmistakably female profile and that goes beyond simply having breasts. It seems that switching to estradiol injections from patches earlier this year has turbocharged some changes, even after years of HRT.

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:

YES, definitely more a part of a 5-10 year plan than a 1-5 year plan.
Like most things concerning how HRT changes the body, it is a "painfully" slow process
that works differently, slower, quicker, more dramatic, less dramatic in every body - YMMV. 
  The overused expression of "I want it all, and I want it now" definitely does not apply.

Usually not noticeable at frequent viewings but after being patient for a few years.... it becomes
wonderfully apparent. 
I did not end up with an exceptionally curvaceous body, but definitely female.  When things
finally were getting going with my body appearance after 3 or 4 years l had NO problems in the
women's restrooms, changing and locker rooms.
100% passable with very few exceptions.

HRT does not do it alone.... diet and exercise is a must.

I am 5 foot, 4 inches in height and weigh 120 pounds +/- 
With HRT I did lose a lot of muscle mass but I never was a super strong person.

@Lori Dee That's the thing, I've had puffy, protruding areolae since very early on and I've read that some people reach Tanner V and still have that, so I really don't know. I definitely do have a "mound on mound" appearance, though.

@Northern Star Girl Oh, how I'd love to be 5' 4" rather than 5' 11"! I don't want to stand out in a crowd; I want to blend in. I only weigh 170 pounds at this height so I suspect our body fat percentage is similar.

@Courtney G  @Lori Dee

I have a theory... the weight I lost in muscle mass went directly to my boobs...
sounds reasonable to me. 🙃

HUGS, Danielle[Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on April 01, 2026, 02:40:06 PMI have a theory... the weight I lost in muscle mass went directly to my boobs...
sounds reasonable to me.

Same!

Quote from: Courtney G on April 01, 2026, 01:14:20 PM@ChrissyRyan Thank you, love - that's very kind. Well, I can be quite sarcastic, almost sardonic at times with a biting whit. But I consider myself a good person and the idea of coming off as mean breaks my heart. I was never the bully growing up; I hung out with the nerds and weirdos because I felt I belonged with them.

@Northern Star Girl: After 4.25 years, I'm really starting to see a more female overall body shape. As I understand it, those curves are more a part of the 5-10 year plan than the 1-5 year one. Was that your experience? I feel it's important to me to present an unmistakably female profile and that goes beyond simply having breasts. It seems that switching to estradiol injections from patches earlier this year has turbocharged some changes, even after years of HRT.

I think we are around the same length of time on HRT and you are right the significant body shape changes have only recently started to happen, body fat on thighs and butt, much slimmer arms, much more significant muscle loss. I would say you are bang on with the 5-10 year projection. It is a slow process but I'm glad as it means the exciting journey can continue for quite some time yet!

By Lori's definition my boobs are defnitely tanner 5.

I'm 5'7" so split the difference between you but I agree, I would love to be 5'4". Oh and size 8 or 9 (UK) shoes too. Being UK10, that is the worst i'm just on the edge of all the great womens shoe options. Weirdly I used to have to buy size 12 shoes so I have lost two sizes, I'm praying for just 1 more size as there are loads of shoe options at size 9!

Well, I have not lost any weight in several months, and no boob growth.

I think this study confirms the theory!

UPDATE:

Only two more blood thinner injections and I can stop feeling like a pincushion. For those who haven't been following along, the injections were prescribed by my GP as a prophylaxis against a possible blood clot. A necessary measure but an unpleasant one. I'll be relieved after tomorrow morning.

My mouth remains pretty sore, with dissolvable sutures still in place on both the top and bottom. I messaged the surgeon about the pain and since I show no signs of an infection, they claim this is normal and there's nothing to worry about. My chin is still somewhat swollen but not very sore, and the numbness is almost gone. I suspect I'll have near-zero numbness after about another week to 10 days.

I'm looking forward to the follow-up with the surgeon this week. I'm hoping they put me on the schedule for phase II of FFS (rhinoplasty, lip lift, fat injections, some skin tightening). I really want to see more of what they're started. I'm used to my face now and while I'll agree that I look more feminine, I still have a ways to go.

I'm also excited to get back to weekly electrolysis visits. I have SO MANY hairs on my face, with the remaining dark ones almost exclusively on my chin (the rest are grays). I suspect it will be at least 2 years before my face is cleared of hairs. Sigh.

Last night was my weekly estradiol injection. I woke up crying, having had a dream about heartbreak or loneliness or something. I continued to cry for a few minutes, then fell back to sleep. This has happened before, always overnight following my injection.

Today's weather was hot. I went fishing with a 24 year old guy from my neighborhood. I wanted to come out to him but decided not to. We've been fishing a few times and we get along, but I don't want it to get "weird." He's a reasonable person (hates trump) but he was in the military and I really don't know how he feels about trans people. And there's so much rhetoric these days about us; it's hard to guess how people might react. But the hot weather is making things difficult, and my breasts have become so hard to hide.

I guess I need to get all of this facial hair removed and I need this next surgery and maybe this will be easier. Being trans is so hard sometimes.

If you can get to probably 10% of @Northern Star Girl, you will be on the right track, sweetie.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 04, 2026, 07:33:28 PMUPDATE:

Only two more blood thinner injections and I can stop feeling like a pincushion. For those who haven't been following along, the injections were prescribed by my GP as a prophylaxis against a possible blood clot. A necessary measure but an unpleasant one. I'll be relieved after tomorrow morning.

My mouth remains pretty sore, with dissolvable sutures still in place on both the top and bottom. I messaged the surgeon about the pain and since I show no signs of an infection, they claim this is normal and there's nothing to worry about. My chin is still somewhat swollen but not very sore, and the numbness is almost gone. I suspect I'll have near-zero numbness after about another week to 10 days.

I'm looking forward to the follow-up with the surgeon this week. I'm hoping they put me on the schedule for phase II of FFS (rhinoplasty, lip lift, fat injections, some skin tightening). I really want to see more of what they're started. I'm used to my face now and while I'll agree that I look more feminine, I still have a ways to go.

I'm also excited to get back to weekly electrolysis visits. I have SO MANY hairs on my face, with the remaining dark ones almost exclusively on my chin (the rest are grays). I suspect it will be at least 2 years before my face is cleared of hairs. Sigh.

Last night was my weekly estradiol injection. I woke up crying, having had a dream about heartbreak or loneliness or something. I continued to cry for a few minutes, then fell back to sleep. This has happened before, always overnight following my injection.

Today's weather was hot. I went fishing with a 24 year old guy from my neighborhood. I wanted to come out to him but decided not to. We've been fishing a few times and we get along, but I don't want it to get "weird." He's a reasonable person (hates trump) but he was in the military and I really don't know how he feels about trans people. And there's so much rhetoric these days about us; it's hard to guess how people might react. But the hot weather is making things difficult, and my breasts have become so hard to hide.

I guess I need to get all of this facial hair removed and I need this next surgery and maybe this will be easier. Being trans is so hard sometimes.

Hot weather is a bitch when you are trying to be stealthy. I feel your pain. I tend to hideaway or go out in much bulkier thicker clothing than I'm comfortable in. I can't wait for the day when I can go out in a tank top or cami top or hell maybe even a bikini on a beach like Ashley! It will be such freedom I will feel like I've gone to heaven!! One day Courtney, one day.

Quote from: Sephirah on April 05, 2026, 02:04:50 AMIf you can get to probably 10% of @Northern Star Girl, you will be on the right track, sweetie.

Amen, sis. NSG has it going on.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 05, 2026, 03:17:27 AMHot weather is a bitch when you are trying to be stealth. I feel your pain. I tend to hideaway or go out in much bulkier thicker clothing than I'm comfortable in. I can't wait for the day when I can go out in a tank top or cami top or hell maybe even a bikini on a beach like Ashley! It will be such freedom I will feel like I've gone to heaven!! One day Courtney, one day.

YES! I want to be able to walk around in cute tops and feel perfectly comfortable. I'm so gosh darned proud of these breasts and I need to show them off!

Quote from: Courtney G on April 05, 2026, 07:43:15 AMAmen, sis. NSG has it going on.

YES! I want to be able to walk around in cute tops and feel perfectly comfortable. I'm so gosh darned proud of these breasts and I need to show them off!

Mind I would probably soon regret it. I will likely burn to a crisp! I am very fair skinned unfortunately.

My blood thinner shot this morning completes my 28 day script of post-FFS prophylaxis. No more fear of cutting myself by accident. And back to my once-a-week estradiol valerate jab.

It was a quiet Easter morning here, until...

I decided to make a nice pancake breakfast for us. I was buzzing away in the kitchen, cooking some flapjacks and prepping a nice egg scramble with onions, ham, tomatoes and cheddar cheese when the knife slipped. I cut two fingers.

I'll spare you the details, except to say that it was messy. Luckily, it doesn't look like I'll need stitches.

Oy.

That's a shame. Sorry to hear, at least no stiches.

Oh no Courtney..when you were just talking about avoiding cutting yourself. Glad that you got it under control and things are progressing back to normal now. I hope breakfast was nice after all that 🙂

Charlotte x

Yup I  have injured myself more cooking than working on the car!!

Yikes! 😬

The lesson being that you still need to be careful?

It takes a bit to purge the blood thinners from your system. Please be careful!

I had my first electrologist visit since January today. I hated having to grow my facial hair out but I was happy to get started again. This is going to be a long road but I really need that hair gone.

My electrologist had her scheduled "mommy makeover," with breast implants a couple of weeks prior to my FFS surgery. Her body looks great. I felt a real bond with her as we discussed our surgeries (we haven't seen each other since before we both went under the knife). The best part? We're going to Victoria's Secret together next week to get fitted for bras. I'm going to treat myself to a couple of nice bras, maybe a few. I can't wait. I'm particularly looking forward to the experience of doing this with a cis woman. Feels very validating

I just received a $500 invoice for my recent mammogram. My wife looked at the bill and said it's most likely because they billed it as "diagnostic" rather than "preventative." So that's something else I have to work on.

I filled up my Honda today and was stunned to see the total: $67. This has to end.

Good job you dont live in the UK as it would be double that for fuel!!

   It will be interesting to see what the bra sizing comes up with?. I have tried several times to measure mine and the last time came up with a 42 D. Someday I will, or should go for a professional fitting.
  The price of gas is troubling. I saw a big truck filling up with diesel on Monday $300. Thankfully I don't have 2 work trucks to fill twice a week like back in 2022 when prices were almost $5 a gallon. Retirement does have its benefits.

I drive a large diesel pickup it won't be seeing a fill up for a while.

The thing is, this fuel cost crisis could have been avoided. In 2022, we had supply chain issues as we were getting over the COVID crisis, then Russia invaded Urkaine. This time, it was all the fault of U.S. leadership.

@davina61 I'm sorry. Just know that a very small minority of Americans support this madness. It (the entire regime) will end soon, if we don't start WWIII first.

Quote from: davina61 on April 08, 2026, 03:23:54 AMGood job you dont live in the UK as it would be double that for fuel!!

One of the things I had a difficult time adjusting to in Germany was that gas was sold by the liter and not by the gallon. The price looks cheap until you realize the per-gallon price is four times that amount.

😬

The maga talking point in response to the high cost of fuel is "it will end soon." The instability we caused in the global supply chain won't end soon, though. I always track their talking points and what's weird as heck is that they all parrot the same things, like they're plugged into some sort of misinformation mainframe. That's how we got to the crazy place we're at.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 08, 2026, 08:50:22 PMI always track their talking points and what's weird as heck is that they all parrot the same things, like they're plugged into some sort of misinformation mainframe.

You have no idea. I have a video from several years ago that proves it.

Diesel just went to £1.99.9 a litre, worst bit is the government take £1 of that price in tax so they wont do anything about it as its filling their pockets.

Im at $6.85 a gallon

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 08, 2026, 09:19:05 PMYou have no idea. I have a video from several years ago that proves it.

Yup. I've seen it. So-called "local news" that's owned by huge conservative-run corporations.

The highest gas and diesel prices in the USA are on the west coast states Washington and California because those states have the highest state gas taxes that add  $$$$ to each gallon that is pumped into your fuel tank.  Just do a quick google search of gas and diesel prices and compare those states fuel prices with Idaho, Louisiana and Texas.

It so happens that "high taxes" is the #1 deflection I see from magas in response to the gas price situation, but taxes isn't what drove the prices up 30% over the past few weeks.

Funny, I was just talking with someone about the "sales tax" rationale yesterday.

Besides, those blue states with higher taxes help fund all of the assistance for residents in red states, where poverty rates are higher and more folks depend on aid programs. That's social democracy at work.

The visit with the surgeon went well yesterday. He's very pleased with the speed at which my recovery is occurring. We scheduled phase 2 for October but I'm on the list for an earlier slot, which could  be around August. While I really want this finished right away, I realize that this gives me a chance to make some progress with my electrolysis.

Phase 2 is expected to include the following:

1. Revision rhinoplasty/septoplasty. The surgeon who originally did my septo/rhino left my nose crooked and the tip drooping, as well as excess tissue, which made the tip of my nose a little bulbous. But I guess what's more egregious is that he never really did the septoplasty. I went to him with a deviated septum and badly curved cartilage at the end of my nose and despite telling me he'd fix that (twice!) he never touched it. My new surgeon is going to remove the curved portion and install a brace using donated cadaver cartilage.

2. Lip lift. A common different between male and female faces is that women show more of their teeth when they smile. I'm not blessed with the type of lip/teeth/smile geometry that our beloved Danielle has, so this might help a little.

3. Fat grafting. He'll "fill" out my face shape using fat transfer

Glad to hear that everything is healing as it should. That's positive news for sure. Hope that you can get in sooner and finally get your nose sorted. I'm interested in a lip lift too, but will only get it done when I have breast augmentation as otherwise too expensive! Be interested to see the difference it makes too when you finally get it done.

Charlotte 😻

   Sounds awesome, Courtney. You forgot to mention the name of the former nose surgeon, Boris Paskhover. Perhaps others will avoid him. Great salesman, poor surgeon. Did my nose as well, to which I am less than pleased with the results.
   Not wanting to beat a dead horse but to the gas price situation. Every time there is a war, fire, spill, change in politics, etc. The price of gas goes up and the oil companies show record profits! Only 30% of US oil comes from outside the country and most of that is from Cannada. The government can regulate milk prices but the oil industry runs unchecked.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 10, 2026, 09:02:35 AMThe visit with the surgeon went well yesterday. He's very pleased with the speed at which my recovery is occurring. We scheduled phase 2 for October but I'm on the list for an earlier slot, which could  be around August. While I really want this finished right away, I realize that this gives me a chance to make some progress with my electrolysis.

Phase 2 is expected to include the following:

1. Revision rhinoplasty/septoplasty. The surgeon who originally did my septo/rhino left my nose crooked and the tip drooping, as well as excess tissue, which made the tip of my nose a little bulbous. But I guess what's more egregious is that he never really did the septoplasty. I went to him with a deviated septum and badly curved cartilage at the end of my nose and despite telling me he'd fix that (twice!) he never touched it. My new surgeon is going to remove the curved portion and install a brace using donated cadaver cartilage.

2. Lip lift. A common different between male and female faces is that women show more of their teeth when they smile. I'm not blessed with the type of lip/teeth/smile geometry that our beloved Danielle has, so this might help a little.

3. Fat grafting. He'll "fill" out my face shape using fat transfer

All sounds good Courtney. Must be costing you a fortune!

I'm glad I'm happy with my nose, what you are describing makes me shudder like fingernails on a blackboard! You're a brave soul!

Quote from: Gina P on April 11, 2026, 07:37:44 AMSounds awesome, Courtney. You forgot to mention the name of the former nose surgeon, Boris Paskhover. Perhaps others will avoid him. Great salesman, poor surgeon. Did my nose as well, to which I am less than pleased with the results.

I decided to look up reviews for him again yesterday, having not checked since last year. I was surprised that there aren't more bad reviews, that his reviews are generally good. Does he do substandard work on trans people because he knows they're less likely to draw attention to themselves by complaining? I don't know.

Quote from: Gina P on April 11, 2026, 07:37:44 AMNot wanting to beat a dead horse but to the gas price situation. Every time there is a war, fire, spill, change in politics, etc. The price of gas goes up and the oil companies show record profits! Only 30% of US oil comes from outside the country and most of that is from Cannada. The government can regulate milk prices but the oil industry runs unchecked.

You really hit on something here. Oil is traded internationally, all over the world. Supply chain disruptions (such as this war) drive up prices due to the supply and demand thing. That's obvious.

But unchecked capitalism (with the help of things like Citizens United, which irrevocably tilted campaign contributions in favor of corporations) will ALWAYS funnel all of the wealth to the top. As the founding fathers believed (and America writ large) until Reagan came into power), the federal government must act to create checks and balances that prevent the wealthy from exploiting the working class. That and management of national defense should be the two primary goals of the fed. Otherwise, the wealthy ALWAYS take more and more from the proletariat. It's why we have Roosevelt's national parks and FDA, Nixon's EPA and OSHA, Henry Ford's 5 day work week and so on. It's why we have social programs, why we've operated as a social democracy since the 1930s, why we need it more than ever. These were advancements of the federal government's effort to advocate for tax-paying Americans. This is NOT what a certain group of people currently want. They want to bring back robber barons. It's just that now they run the oil industry, social media and healthcare.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 11, 2026, 09:29:57 AMAll sounds good Courtney. Must be costing you a fortune!

I'm glad I'm happy with my nose, what you are describing makes me shudder like fingernails on a blackboard! You're a brave soul!

So far, it looks like my health insurance will pay for all but a small co-pay amount. I'm really really fortunate to live in a state (Maryland) that mandates coverage, unlike states like Idaho, Louisiana and Texas, which do not and which are actively seeking to erase trans people from existence. But they have a lower fuel tax, so there's that.

Yes, I'm NOT looking forward to having my nose rebuilt for the 3rd time! But suffer through these things in pursuit of our truth, don't we?

Everything is a Rich Man's Trick.

Always has been.

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 11, 2026, 10:17:15 AMEverything is a Rich Man's Trick.

Always has been.

The thing is, Nixon and Ford and Eisenhower were republicans, while Roosevelt and Johnson were democrats. This is all before the republican party abandoned moderate policies and moved super far to the right, starting with Reagan. The job of the federal government used to include looking after the welfare of our country's citizens, and I don't mean "protecting" them from "gender ideology extremism" as the official website of The White House currently states in bold letters.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 11, 2026, 10:14:03 AMSo far, it looks like my health insurance will pay for all but a small co-pay amount. I'm really really fortunate to live in a state (Maryland) that mandates coverage, unlike states like Idaho, Louisiana and Texas, which do not and which are actively seeking to erase trans people from existence. But they have a lower fuel tax, so there's that.

Yes, I'm NOT looking forward to having my nose rebuilt for the 3rd time! But suffer through these things in pursuit of our truth, don't we?

See there is some benefit to health insurance I suppose. We can't get FFS at all on the NHS.

I wonder if you tally up all your insurance expenditure, all the co-pay, all the little incidental charges, perscriptions etc then deduct the costs of your treatments whether you would break even or whether you would be massively out of pocket. Also when you put big surgeries through your insurance would that not mean your premiums would be going up as you've 'made a claim?' I don't really understand your system to be honest. Just curious.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 11, 2026, 11:18:24 AMI wonder if you tally up all your insurance expenditure, all the co-pay, all the little incidental charges, perscriptions etc then deduct the costs of your treatments whether you would break even or whether you would be massively out of pocket. Also when you put big surgeries through your insurance would that not mean your premiums would be going up as you've 'made a claim?' I don't really understand your system to be honest. Just curious.

Hard to say, but my take on it is this:

Like all of the other developed nations, it's a socialized system, so we all pay those premiums and some "take" more than others out of it. I've transitioned (hehe) from a supporter to a "taker" and I sometimes feel a little bad about it. Then I remember two things:
1. I've paid premiums for over 30 years and while I've received basic care and had a few costly things covered, I've put in much more than I've taken out
2. Insurance companies aren't suffering. Look at the salaries of ins co executives. It's madness.

And that's the problem with it. Like any American system, it's all about paying the workers as little as possible and paying the principals and shareholders as much as possible. And American voters actually support this because they're deluded into thinking that they could be "just like him" (wealthy person, usually white). The American dream is more a lottery ticket thing that ever before.

Also, for similar reasons, insurance and overhead in the medical industry is very high. People are more interested in the lottery than in accepting personal responsibility, so OTHER insurance companies get a lot of money from the medical practice in exchange for providing all sorts of medical malpractice and other insurance.

And so on. The average citizen in the U.S.A. doesn't really see this; they fall into the trap of blaming those below them rather than those above. They blame programs to help unhoused people with their economic hardship rather than Trident missiles (~$50 million dollars each). They blame the victims rather than the victimizers . They're very low on information and high on bigotry. Politicians love "the poorly educated" because reading and learning makes you more progressive. And conservatives think that education "makes" you more progressive as some sort of plot to ruin America. As i said, it's madness.

I decided to look up reviews for him again yesterday, having not checked since last year. I was surprised that there aren't more bad reviews, that his reviews are generally good. Does he do substandard work on trans people because he knows they're less likely to draw attention to themselves by complaining? I don't know.

I am very surprised at that. I would have thought a 1 star, would be the norm.

Quote from: Gina P on April 11, 2026, 12:16:58 PM
I decided to look up reviews for him again yesterday, having not checked since last year. I was surprised that there aren't more bad reviews, that his reviews are generally good. Does he do substandard work on trans people because he knows they're less likely to draw attention to themselves by complaining? I don't know.

I am very surprised at that. I would have thought a 1 star, would be the norm.

Could it be that he just messed up this time and didn't do the best job? Or maybe for some reason had complexity that lead to a poor outcome? Not sure, but even the best of the best mess up sometimes. Though would expect the best surgeons fix it as would hurt their strong reputation.

It's disappointing that's for sure, but hopefully this time it will finally get sorted. I am noticing that the rhinoplasty takes a very long time to heal. Still painful to touch and swells a lot around the tip. I'm taping it up every  night still to avoid any chance of polly beak deformity. This can just happen if scar tissue builds thick under the tip area skin.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Courtney G on April 11, 2026, 12:11:03 PMHard to say, but my take on it is this:

Like all of the other developed nations, it's a socialized system, so we all pay those premiums and some "take" more than others out of it. I've transitioned (hehe) from a supporter to a "taker" and I sometimes feel a little bad about it. Then I remember two things:
1. I've paid premiums for over 30 years and while I've received basic care and had a few costly things covered, I've put in much more than I've taken out
2. Insurance companies aren't suffering. Look at the salaries of ins co executives. It's madness.

And that's the problem with it. Like any American system, it's all about paying the workers as little as possible and paying the principals and shareholders as much as possible. And American voters actually support this because they're deluded into thinking that they could be "just like him" (wealthy person, usually white). The American dream is more a lottery ticket thing that ever before.

Also, for similar reasons, insurance and overhead in the medical industry is very high. People are more interested in the lottery than in accepting personal responsibility, so OTHER insurance companies get a lot of money from the medical practice in exchange for providing all sorts of medical malpractice and other insurance.

And so on. The average citizen in the U.S.A. doesn't really see this; they fall into the trap of blaming those below them rather than those above. They blame programs to help unhoused people with their economic hardship rather than Trident missiles (~$50 million dollars each). They blame the victims rather than the victimizers . They're very low on information and high on bigotry. Politicians love "the poorly educated" because reading and learning makes you more progressive. And conservatives think that education "makes" you more progressive as some sort of plot to ruin America. As i said, it's madness.

That's a very interesting observation, that average Americans would shift the blame downwards rather than up at those in charge and almost idolise the wealthy. Kind of explains a lot.

In the UK, yes, we don't like genuine freeloaders milking the welfare state but we don't blame the welfare state or any programs for helping those less fortunate than us. We put the blame squarely at the feet of those in charge.

To be honest there is a healthy distrust of the wealthy and the powerful on this side of the pond. We certainly don't place them on a pedestal, we wonder how many backs have they stood on to get where they are, they can't be nice people! There are genuine wealthy philanthropists out there though and they should be the ones to look up to in my view. They are the ones who look down from their priviledged position and offer a hand up. Also those in the charitable sector who help those in need. They are also more worthy. We have a lifeboat service which is made up of unpaid volunteers from all walks of life that brave the worst the North Sea has to throw at them to save a life. One of those guys is worth ten wealthy politicians IMO.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 11, 2026, 12:43:39 PMThat's a very interesting observation, that average Americans would shift the blame downwards rather than up at those in charge and almost idolise the wealthy. Kind of explains a lot.

It really does. And it's exceedingly common; I hear it all the time.

I say this often because it's true: the most successful entrepreneurs here are the ones who ruthlessly exploit others. Even an auto mechanic - they sell you things you don't need and mark up parts prices to an absurd level whilst sleeping like babies in their big, beautiful houses every night.

I think this is sort of "the dream's malfunction," as Joni Mitchell put it. In America, anyone can go from rags to riches, so everyone thinks that they have a shot and that the rich are to be canonized and admired.

I saw a meme the other day that sums it all up perfectly:

"The problem with this country is people who make $700 per hour have convinced people who make $25 per hour that people who make $7.25 per hour are the problem."

Quote from: Gina P on April 11, 2026, 12:16:58 PMI am very surprised at that. I would have thought a 1 star, would be the norm.

I looked up reviews for him prior to having him do my procedure and the only negative reviews were regarding communication from his office staff. I'd figured maybe he'd gone downhill since then and that checking would reveal a slew of newer negative reviews, but that didn't happen. That's why I have to wonder what happened.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 11, 2026, 12:32:56 PMCould it be that he just messed up this time and didn't do the best job? Or maybe for some reason had complexity that lead to a poor outcome?

In this case, both Gina and I went to visit him together and we both got procedures but both had issues. Gina felt the result of her work to be underwhelming and he lied about fixing my septum, then lied about repairing it. He even told the insurance company that I injured it after the initial procedure! He said that he would keep the changes moderate and natural-looking, which seemed reasonable, but both of us wanted female noses and he knew this.

I must say that does sound very sinister Courtney. I'd hope someone wouldn't be vindictive enough to deliberately do a bad job, but then in this cruel world anything is possible. Guess it's a mystery you may never solve. Hopefully after the next op it can all be relegated to history.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Courtney G on April 11, 2026, 10:40:11 AMThe thing is, Nixon and Ford and Eisenhower were republicans, while Roosevelt and Johnson were democrats. This is all before the republican party abandoned moderate policies and moved super far to the right, starting with Reagan. The job of the federal government used to include looking after the welfare of our country's citizens, and I don't mean "protecting" them from "gender ideology extremism" as the official website of The White House currently states in bold letters.

True. But as pointed out in the documentary, JFK to 9/11: Everything is a Rich Man's Trick, Ford supported the Nazi's. Nixon was corrupt from the beginning. I am not saying they never did anything for the people. I am saying their primary purpose is never about taking care of the little man. It is, and always has been, about protecting their own wealth, even if that means arming both sides of a conflict or turning their power and resources against their own people.

It just takes stepping back and seeing the worldview of how history has developed.

But I understand what you are saying, too.

Today was sort of a big day. I met up with my electrologist and her young daughter at Victoria's Secret. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'd not yet been properly fitted for a bra and my electrologist recently got implants, so we were both keen to go. It was a little intimidating, being in a strongly female-coded space, but I'm sure they have trans customers.

My default position is that everyone can always read me as trans. Until I have evidence to the contrary, that's where my mind will go. In any case, the employee who worked with us was very professional. For those who haven't had this done, here's what happens:

She used a tape measure to check my measurements through my clothes. I wore a tank top and a comfortable bra without any padding. She asked what I was looking for and came back with a few bras for me to try on. Once I had one on, I summoned her via a tablet that's in the room and she came in and checked the fit. I did the same for the second bra. There was a "buy 2 get one free" promotion happening, so I bought a lacy balconette and two push-up bras (all three were pushups, actually). I was quite surprised at how much lifting and pushing the bras were doing, but I've only been wearing bras for a couple of years so I had to trust the process. Pretty much all of the bras I already have are comfortable and practical, so I was happy to buy something more playful.

It felt great to be in a traditionally women's space, being attended to by another woman. Very affirming.

My size is 36D. Funny because this is the size bra I wore to the fitting. I've been slowly working to figure out my size, trying different bras, so it appears I hit the nail on the head!

I told my wife what my size was and she was very surprised. I don't know how on earth I grew this big at this age. I consider myself blessed. We both knew that my breasts are large, but this was some cold, hard data to substantiate that.

If I'm honest, my time in the store feels like a blur. With lots of cis female customers there with me, I felt nervous and a little guilty. I half expected to get home and find that I bought something completely different from what I thought I did. The purpose of the trip wasn't really to buy bras, though; it was to get through this truly female experience and strengthen my resolve to put myself in new situations such as this one.

We had some mall food in the food court afterwards. After we parted ways, my electrologist sent some wonderful words of encouragement via text. She mostly made this trip to support me. I'm grateful for that. She's a lovely human being.

For me, this is a long road, much of which is documented in this blog. I'm not "transing" the same way other people are, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm crawling forward, but at least I'm moving. When I feel I've not done enough, I remind myself that I've done so much after decades of not doing anything. I might not have ever stepped off the curb, but I did.

Of course, my sense of pride about my body and my continuing adventures as a female-presenting person have me wishing that the hairs were completely gone from my face and that the second surgery was tomorrow. On the other hand, I'd really have to make some decisions then, wouldn't I?

That sounds like an equal part terrifying and fabulous day Courtney! Your electrologist sounds amazing, what a legend doing that for you! She must really like you.

I don't know how old you are but I'm 50, started at around 46-47 and have similar size. There are a lot of myths about breast growth one of them is you wno't get growth in later life. I think you just get what you get at the end of the day, same as CIS women.

Were you full dressed in female mode? Make up and everything or were you a bit androgynous?

That sounds like a very rewarding day out you had there and now you know your size officially too

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 17, 2026, 03:59:50 PMThat sounds like an equal part terrifying and fabulous day Courtney! Your electrologist sounds amazing, what a legend doing that for you! She must really like you.

She really is lovely. I'm so happy to be her client.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 17, 2026, 03:59:50 PMI don't know how old you are but I'm 50, started at around 46-47 and have similar size. There are a lot of myths about breast growth one of them is you wno't get growth in later life. I think you just get what you get at the end of the day, same as CIS women.

I turned 60 late last year. Most people seem to think I'm in my 40s. Below is a selfie I took before I left the house today. I think I look pretty good for my age! And my breasts totally exceeded all expectations, especially considering my small frame.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 17, 2026, 03:59:50 PMWere you full dressed in female mode? Make up and everything or were you a bit androgynous?

I went with my preferred look: natural and fresh-faced, with some clothes that show off my curves. In this photo, I'm wearing a little bit of tinted primer, some mascara and some lipstick. During these warm months, I love to wear tank tops, as they strongly signal my gender.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 17, 2026, 04:27:58 PMThat sounds like a very rewarding day out you had there and now you know your size officially too

It was, indeed!

Looking good, Courtney!

Well sadly in the UK we can't see your picture, I guess it's Imgur, which is banned? But I'm sure you look gorgeous!

A grand day out, that's for sure.

Wow Courtney, a 'D' cup and on a thin body. You look great! What courage you have found, going into Victoria Secrete and not pretending to be buying for your wife. I think its safe to say, Courtney's days of hiding are over! I'm so glad for you.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 18, 2026, 02:48:56 AMWell sadly in the UK we can't see your picture, I guess it's Imgur, which is banned? But I'm sure you look gorgeous!

A grand day out, that's for sure.

I ditched Imgur. Can you see me now ( I edited the post)?

You're looking very good. You should be proud

Woa Courtney, There you are! No wonder you are getting such acceptance when you're out and about! Your surgeon has certainly done you no harm there!

Definitely D cups there too! They're about the same as mine but on smaller frame they look awesome! Will have to get back on the diet!

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on April 18, 2026, 08:21:36 AMYou're looking very good. You should be proud

Thank you! It's a slow process but I'm trying to feel good about myself.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 18, 2026, 08:26:18 AMWoa Courtney, There you are! No wonder you are getting such acceptance when you're out and about! Your surgeon has certainly done you no harm there!

Definitely D cups there too! They're about the same as mine but on smaller frame they look awesome! Will have to get back on the diet!

Thanks, hon! I can't wait to get my nose fixed and the rest of the work done.

I've always been very slim. HRT took me from 6' 1/2", 157 pounds to 5' 11", 170 pounds (all boobs, thighs and butt, with loss of muscle, as well), so this is my comeuppance. And I always wished I'd had a thin girlfriend with big breasts, so it seems I'm turning into my dream girl. Quite odd, indeed!

There she is now I can see, looking great my dear.

Gorgeous, Courtney!

@Gina P @Dawn Kellie @davina61 @Dances With Trees Thank you all for the lovely compliments.

Since it's a Sunday, I decided to pamper myself. I took a long, hot shower, including shampooing my hair and applying a hair "mask" to deep condition it. I need to do this because my hair is thick and wiry and this helps to soften it. I'm not complaining.

I also shaved my legs. I thought I mentioned this, but I don't believe I have: after 4+ years of HRT, I don't have any hair above my knees. And I recently noticed that the hairs on my lower legs are way sparser than before. I'd say I have 20% of the density I once had, plus the hairs are finer. Still, it was nice to shave.

I tried my new bras on with a low-cut top that I'd recently bought and was stunned at how much cleavage I have. I love it so much.

MODS: can I post a photo of my body in a top and bra from the neck down/belly up? It's no more revealing than you might see on a person out shopping or at dinner, but I wanted to make sure it's not against the rules somehow. Please let me know, thanks.

I don't shower every day and I only wash my hair once every 5-7 days, so it was nice to dwell on some self-care.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 19, 2026, 01:46:25 PMMODS: can I post a photo of my body in a top and bra from the neck down/belly up? It's no more revealing than you might see on a person out shopping or at dinner, but I wanted to make sure it's not against the rules somehow. Please let me know, thanks.

Courtney, Here is the policy:

Keep it tasteful
Photos which show nudity; or people wearing undergarments or lingerie are not permitted. Clothing which is designed and intended to be worn in public (including sports bras and swimsuits ) does not fall under this policy.

https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=59974.0

Im glad you're having great results. Please keep me posted

Thanks, Lori. Here's my new top with V.S. push-up bra:

(https://i.ibb.co/PGSLw495/IMG-1122.jpg)

As an aside, the whole idea of prepping/primping/caring about my presentation and look is still quite foreign to me. I've always seemed to do the fastest possible job of picking out clothes, getting dressed, shaving, etc., etc. I'm slowly learning to take more care with everything, from adjusting my bra and top, to putting moisturizer on my face or body, to playing with my hair to get the best look.

Going from a place of total disregard for my physical presentation to actually caring about how I look is another type of transition I think most of us go through.

I hope i can be that presentable

That top looks beatiful on you.

        @Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
Yes indeed, the HRT, the new VS Bra, and the cleavage revealing V-Neck stretch top are
very nice for you and all of your readers and followers to see.  Nicely done.

I agree with your surmise regarding taking more time and care with your presentation...
... clothes selection, adjusting bra and top and skin/facial prep moisturizer, shaving, etc.

It does take more time and attention with your "new" body as compared to what most males
do to get ready to go out about about....  I recall that years ago as my dead-name that I
would pick up my clothes worn and maybe dirty from days previously off of the floor, not
worrying about color mismatch, wrinkles, worn areas, food stains, etc.... or even if
they fit properly. 

Underwear is also a brand new experience... a big change from tidy-whitey t-shirts,
jockey underwear, crew socks, etc.    Now we are happily dealing with a bra and
tighter stretch underwear... and more.

A lot has changed for most transitioners, especially MTF... taking more time and care,
getting accustomed to tank tops and other sleeveless tops that expose more skin... shoulders
and arm,  upper chest just above the breasts, and maybe midriff areas with crop tops.
Tighter stretch bottoms, jeans, Capri length, etc.

Personally I very much enjoy taking that extra effort to successfully present as the
woman I am... and to finally see the results in the mirror.

Thank you Courtney for posting your "getting ready" experiences....
....they are much the same as mine and many of your readers and followers.

I always look forward to reading your postings.... please keep it up.

HUGS and more HUGS,
                  ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Courtney G on April 19, 2026, 02:33:42 PMAs an aside, the whole idea of prepping/primping/caring about my presentation and look is still quite foreign to me. I've always seemed to do the fastest possible job of picking out clothes, getting dressed, shaving, etc., etc. I'm slowly learning to take more care with everything, from adjusting my bra and top, to putting moisturizer on my face or body, to playing with my hair to get the best look.

Going from a place of total disregard for my physical presentation to actually caring about how I look is another type of transition I think most of us go through.

Thank you, @Charlotte Kitty @Northern Star Girl @Dawn Kellie for the kind words and for reading along.

I don't think I mentioned this here, Danielle, but I have a particularly fraught relationship with tank tops. As a thin "boy," I was always very self-conscious about my small shoulders and thin arms and wrists. Because of that, I never wore tank tops after puberty. For that matter, I hardly ever went to the pool, beach, etc. I never took my shirt off while working outside, no matter how hot it got. Intimate encounters took place with the lights low or off when possible. I was playing drums in a band in my late 20s and finally built up the courage to wear a cool tank top I'd gotten at a drumming festival. During the show, the singer turned around from his microphone and, dripping with sarcasm, said "Hey [deadname]: nice arms."

I never wore that shirt again. It was a very painful experience that strongly reinforced the shame I always felt about my body.

It's so strange to be proud of my body size and shape now. I have a really hard time holding myself upright when I walk. I tend to shrink my body overall - to make myself smaller. But I have found that I'm starting to carry myself differently. I'm slowly adopting more feminine movements and comportment. My behind is much bigger and it's quite easy with allow my hips to sway a little when I walk. If I remain conscious of it, I can carry myself with my chest out. But it's a process.

The change in my appearance is making it more obvious that I need to work harder on my makeup skills, my ability to dress myself and in particular, my voice. I have always done lots of impressions and mimicked the voices and sounds around me while telling jokes and stories, but I really need to work on my inflection and resonance and learn to convey a more female communication style. I don't have a deep voice, but I still have a lot of work to do.

Nice rack, Courtney! Sorry about the memories. We carry so much baggage through life from our young days. It does make us who we are but I could do without most of the memories. I remember in school some kids asking me if I was on Premarin? All my shirts were in the wash and I had to wear a shirt that was a bit to small and my chest/breast was bulging through. I had been sneaking some of my mothers Estrogen cream and being over weight didn't help. Never wore tank tops or anything that was tight the rest of my life till transitioning. Now proud to show off the assets. Those old times make it more meaningful now, being who we are.

Quote from: Gina P on April 21, 2026, 07:09:55 AMNice rack, Courtney! Sorry about the memories

Haha, thanks. I'll admit, I have a spectacular pair. I stare at them every day in the mirror and marvel at their size and shape and think "how did this happen to me?" I know that the answer is "estradiol, silly!" but I'm talking about how perfectly formed and round they are. I asked my wife how this happened and she replied "Meant to be, I guess." This made me feel pretty good and somewhat accepted by her, which is an ongoing process.

It does help compensate somewhat for the difficulties I had growing up. All those boys who picked on me would be drooling over me now!

I was delighted to receive a big check from the insurance company this week - reimbursement for electrolysis visits from November through January. It feels like I've finally gotten the pipeline open with them, or perhaps worn them down by my persistence. I had an electro appointment yesterday and she got a pretty big patch cleared on my chin. She has worked on this area repeatedly and I'm hoping maybe this was the last batch. Of course, these hairs are so persistent, so I wouldn't be surprised if there's still another batch that emerges!

The good news is that I can shave today. I won't start regrowing my face until Friday night for my Tuesday appointment, so I get to enjoy a couple of days of a clear face. I didn't realize how much dysphoria my whiskers cause until I saw the difference in a shaved/unshaved face post-FFS. I have a least two more years of this, which stinks.

Speaking of hair removal, I'm considering becoming an electrologist. There are a lack of providers in my area. I'm trying to beef up my little business first, but if I don't succeed I'm going to consider it. It requires several hundred hours of education for certification plus an investment in the tens of thousands but I can hit the ground running and start to pay that cost off quickly once I build a client base. I love my current career, so I'm really hoping I can increase my revenue instead.

What an interesting opportunity! Wishing you all the best in your current career, Courtney, but becoming an electrologist is an intriguing option.   

Quote from: Dances With Trees on April 22, 2026, 11:28:00 AMWhat an interesting opportunity! Wishing you all the best in your current career, Courtney, but becoming an electrologist is an intriguing option.   

I would second what Anni says. It could be an interesting career move. Shame you aren't in the UK or I would sign up to let you zap me!

Sound's like a very rewarding career so definitely worth pursuing! Electrologists eyesight must be very good even with the magnifier.

C😻

My electrologist told me she is naturally near-sighted, so that helps even with the magnifier.

There is always a need, so it could be a lucrative business. She is always booked solid, and there are other salons around. So even with competition, it can still be worth getting into.

What a great idea, and career move. That would be a really interesting job. We could use one here in my part of WV. Every town and hamlet has at least 2 beauty saloons but I have yet to find an electrolysis.

Thanks, ladies, for the words of encouragement!

I'll be honest: at 60 years of age, I don't really want to go through the cash investment, training, setting up a business, which will include fitting out a space for my practice, as well as commuting to/from school during training, then commuting to my practice location once I'm up and running, plus the period of low revenue whilst I acquire customers.

I make less money now than I'd likely make after a few years in business but I work at home, sometimes in my pajamas. I can dress any way I want, and I don't have to satisfy anyone's requirements around gender. I eat at home and can nip out on the nearby bay if the fishing is good and my customers are taken care of. I can look at the water from most of the windows in my home and often see ospreys and bald eagles from where I sit. Plus, I'm mostly the housewife here, so I'd still have to take care of the home if I was spending many hours away from here.

Basically, it's a "Plan B" but definitely something I'm considering. I'm making a push to increase my current business's revenue. I really hope I'm able to succeed because the work aspect of my life right now is very enjoyable. I'll be eligible for social security benefits in a little over a year and a half and I might consider starting to collect then, or 1-2 year later. I just need to make a bigger contribution to the household finances.

My mother passed away when I was in my 20s (she was 57) and my father passed a few years later, in his low 60s. I hope to live a long time but I'm not a "live to work" person; I'd rather work to live.

Quote from: Courtney G on April 23, 2026, 11:59:30 AMThanks, ladies, for the words of encouragement!

I'll be honest: at 60 years of age, I don't really want to go through the cash investment, training, setting up a business, which will include fitting out a space for my practice, as well as commuting to/from school during training, then commuting to my practice location once I'm up and running, plus the period of low revenue whilst I acquire customers.

I make less money now than I'd likely make after a few years in business but I work at home, sometimes in my pajamas. I can dress any way I want, and I don't have to satisfy anyone's requirements around gender. I eat at home and can nip out on the nearby bay if the fishing is good and my customers are taken care of. I can look at the water from most of the windows in my home and often see ospreys and bald eagles from where I sit. Plus, I'm mostly the housewife here, so I'd still have to take care of the home if I was spending many hours away from here.

Basically, it's a "Plan B" but definitely something I'm considering. I'm making a push to increase my current business's revenue. I really hope I'm able to succeed because the work aspect of my life right now is very enjoyable. I'll be eligible for social security benefits in a little over a year and a half and I might consider starting to collect then, or 1-2 year later. I just need to make a bigger contribution to the household finances.

My mother passed away when I was in my 20s (she was 57) and my father passed a few years later, in his low 60s. I hope to live a long time but I'm not a "live to work" person; I'd rather work to live.

Amen to that Courtney! I am working part time so the amount of money that is coming in is pitiful but I've never been happier. If I can get made up to full time as I hope I will be this year then my wage will mean I'm just about comfortable and that's all I want. When I've had high paid jobs they always want a pound of flesh for that and the quality of life is terrible. It led to two breakdowns in my case. I will take less cash and grab more of life everytime now thanks.

I wish at this point I could swing part time. Wife and I got ourselves in some financial trouble. It's our own making and we are working on a couple things to get us out.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 23, 2026, 12:34:18 PMI will take less cash and grab more of life everytime now thanks.

I had a boss who could not understand why I would turn down overtime hours. Their pay was really good, but I said my time was worth more than they were willing to pay. He didn't understand. My wife and I ran two home businesses in our spare time, selling scented candles and jewelry. So he could pay me $50 per hour, or I could go home and make three or four times that. Plus, we enjoyed it.

The only time I would agree is if we needed to catch up on a job and they switched us to working four ten-hour days. That gave us a three-day weekend, and our employer did not have to pay overtime for it. Win-win.

   I can't imagine starting a business at my age. Retirement, even with less money to spend, is far better than the stress. I worry often, how few years we have left in life. Many I knew, worked till they had everything in order to retire, then died only a couple of years later. Good luck on bosting your current business. There is a huge market for what you do. Perhaps more advertising?   

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 09, 2026, 09:36:07 PMIt's amazing that the laser removed the scar on your chin. So happy for you.

I have to chuckle. I read back through this blog and I noticed that a few months earlier, you suggested I check out laser for the scar. Perhaps your suggestion inspired me to proceed with that, but I can't recall. In any case, here's a belated "you were right!!"

(I can hear a bald eagle chirping outside my window while I type this - I live in a beautiful place)

Seems like a month since I've posted here. If I'm honest, I've been ruminating on deeper stuff, like "Am I really trans or is this just a fetish that I've taken to an extreme?" You know, impostor syndrome stuff.

But I went to electrolysis yesterday and my tech cleared a lot of dark hairs on my chin and it made me euphoric. Sometimes, I go there in girl mode, then stop at the grocery store on the way home with a pink face mask to cover the redness and remaining stubble. In yesterday's case, I wore one of my new Victoria's Secret push-up bras and a cute top, along with tight jeans and a some jewelry. I feel a little less awkward and nervous every time I do this.

Yesterday's top was black, so I wore a black scrunchie and watchband but today's is white, so I color-matched those bits again. I shaved my chin this morning and put some primer, foundation, mascara and lipstick on and when I wasn't in bad lighting, I thought I looked pretty cute, which was nice.

But I still hide in the neighborhood. I had a baggy shirt with me so I could get out of my car and retrieve my mail without tipping my hand. If I'm dressed in a revealing top (anything other than a hoodie) I keep a baggie shirt nearby at all times, in case someone knocks at the door. But I do get a tiny bit braver by the day.

I'm continuing to look at a career as an electrologist. I have been working hard to bolster sales for my business but I'd like to significantly increase my income. I discussed it a bit further with my electro tech while she worked on me yesterday. She thinks I'll be good at it and says it's not hard to get clients. It's an AI-proof career during a time when so many are in danger of losing their jobs due to AI. I was listening to a Bernie Sanders interview this morning in which he expressed his concerns about the lack of oversight and regulations on AI. "If a 50 year old truck driver loses his job to self-driving trucks, what is he going to do for work when so many others are losing their jobs at the same time?" This is really something to think about when considering a career these days.

There are very few electrologists near me and there always seems to be more clients than practitioners. It will require about a $30k investment and about 6 months of training and preparation. Since I live in a pretty conservative area, I'd probably put "trans-owned" on my website and Google local listing in order to weed out people who don't think I should exist. Of course, this could easily out me to someone in my own neighborhood if any neighbors should happen to look for this service, but it's a step I'd be willing to take.

  I had to laugh when I read this. I remember back in the 70's during grade school, having to write a essay on what to do with all the people who would be put out of work by computers. 

Sorry you are having imposter syndrome days. Even after being out full time, I still get a blip now and then when those thought enter in. I remind myself how miserable I was back then and they quickly disappear.  

Quote from: Gina P on May 07, 2026, 07:18:24 AMI had to laugh when I read this. I remember back in the 70's during grade school, having to write a essay on what to do with all the people who would be put out of work by computers

But computers are over 6,000 times more powerful than they were in the 70s (I looked it up). Now we have computers stocking shelves at stores, driving cars and trucks, writing documents (books, even!), checking people out at stores, creating websites, working customer support positions, building things, diagnosing problems, creating recipes, therapy and mental health counseling, fixing things, programming software code, medical diagnosis, accounting duties, legal work, teaching jobs and on and on.

And we build things that are made to be thrown out rather than repaired, so a lot of the hands-on "technician" work isn't needed. Cars are so reliable that mechanics have to make up stuff ("fuel injection system flush") in order to keep their profits up.

It will be a long time before a computer-powered robot can stick a little metal probe into the base of every hair follicle in a human face. And hopefully, they won't come up with a drug that makes all of your facial hair fall out.

With AI I'm just embracing it where I can and hoping the fact I'm not too specialised in my role will help. I've somehow got to keep in a job for another 24 odd years at least. Its scary as everything is going down hill in the UK.

For the last 25 years or so of my productive life I worked as a grants writer. Most of it in Indian Country. The typical grant proposal required about one month to put together between research, writing, and gathering documentation. Now, I can imagine someone in the IT department saying, 'Hey, Siri, write me a grant proposal for the Behavioral Health Program. Ten minutes later, the Tribal Chairman signs it.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on May 07, 2026, 04:55:34 PMFor the last 25 years or so of my productive life I worked as a grants writer. Most of it in Indian Country. The typical grant proposal required about one month to put together between research, writing, and gathering documentation. Now, I can imagine someone in the IT department saying, 'Hey, Siri, write me a grant proposal for the Behavioral Health Program. Ten minutes later, the Tribal Chairman signs it.

What a coincidence. One of my neighbors is a grant writer who is winding down. When I asked her about that as a career choice, she demurred.

Quote from: Courtney G on May 07, 2026, 08:14:44 AMBut computers are over 6,000 times more powerful than they were in the 70s (I looked it up). Now we have computers stocking shelves at stores, driving cars and trucks, writing documents (books, even!), checking people out at stores, creating websites, working customer support positions, building things, diagnosing problems, creating recipes, therapy and mental health counseling, fixing things, programming software code, medical diagnosis, accounting duties, legal work, teaching jobs and on and on.

And we build things that are made to be thrown out rather than repaired, so a lot of the hands-on "technician" work isn't needed. Cars are so reliable that mechanics have to make up stuff ("fuel injection system flush") in order to keep their profits up.

It will be a long time before a computer-powered robot can stick a little metal probe into the base of every hair follicle in a human face. And hopefully, they won't come up with a drug that makes all of your facial hair fall out.

Well to be fair there are robots doing intricate surgery now so the technology could very well do the job of an electrolysist! Thankfully the cost of designing. developing and aquiring such machines would be prohibitive, at least for now anyway. Who knows what Cyberdyne systems are developing for us in the future ha ha!

Hey Courtney,
I'm sure you don't need another pile on or someone trying to massage your ego,
but for the life of me I can't see how you walk around without being all woman.

Yeah, I get all the self doubt, I've seen it through out my life that the best, capable, most competant people are the ones who doubt themselves the most.  It's the imposters who are so confident, self assured who are failing.

Please beautiful lady, stand tall, proud, shoulders back and chest out (I like the way you said you like looking at what you have, it is quite magnificent) and just walk forward.

Don't doubt yourself. This is what you worked toward.

The only thing you are missing is confidence and that can be faked

  I think you miss understood me about the essay comment. The world is constantly changing. Back in  the 70's most worked in factories. Automation has replaced those jobs. Programmers and data entry jobs became more prevalent. AI is now replacing those jobs. Doctors now operate on patients thousands of mile away using robotics. Even my Bottom surgery was done partially with robotics. So far the trades have been largely safe from the new technology but that can change as well. Perhaps we can move to a 4 or 3 day work week, more holidays?? Electrolysis and the beauty industry, I would think, would always be hands on, as most of us like the pampered contact that only human hands can provide.

Quote from: Gina P on May 08, 2026, 08:04:42 AMI think you miss understood me about the essay comment. The world is constantly changing. Back in  the 70's most worked in factories. Automation has replaced those jobs. Programmers and data entry jobs became more prevalent. AI is now replacing those jobs. Doctors now operate on patients thousands of mile away using robotics. Even my Bottom surgery was done partially with robotics. So far the trades have been largely safe from the new technology but that can change as well. Perhaps we can move to a 4 or 3 day work week, more holidays?? Electrolysis and the beauty industry, I would think, would always be hands on, as most of us like the pampered contact that only human hands can provide.

(Mods: this post is about economics and my personal situation, not politics)

As a consequence, corporations have made more money while paying less to a smaller workforce, while becoming more profitable and efficient whist wages have stagnated since the late 70s and the middle class has shrunk by a surprising 20% over the past five decades. The wage gap numbers are stunning - beyond anything we could have imagined, while corporations use loopholes to cheat and avoid paying taxes altogether. This is why American businessman, lobbyist and political commentator Andrew Yang suggested a "universal basic income" in order to provide Americans a dividend to help them live on while this country runs more efficiently. Similarly, others have suggested that a 5 day work week is no longer required to run the economy, so your suggestion is spot on. But corporations (and others) called Yang "crazy" for making such a wild suggestion. They pulled out a racist trope and called him "Asian math guy" because we all know Asians are great at math (sarcasm).

But the fact is that working-class Americans built all of this and many can't afford to live here. Homelessness has risen to the highest levels since we started measuring it. I consider myself so lucky to be among the last of a generation that were able to afford homes in decent numbers. I know several millennials who work full time and have been saving for years but can't afford a home now because prices have been rising (largely due to a lack of construction combined with corporations buying up rental properties) faster than they could save up. Higher interest rates don't help. My wife and I are extremely lucky to have purchased our homes "before" and sold recently at a significant profit. I'd hate to try to do that again.

I have this little internet business that I've been running for over 10 years and a ruthless larger company has just come onto the scene and is stealing all of my customers. They're employing offshore labor who are using AI to create a much larger entity that I can't compete with. They can outspend me 3:1 on advertising. I'm getting AI'd out of business. I'm using AI myself to try to keep up, but they're better capitalized.

I downloaded docs from the electrology school and sent them a message. It looks like I have to do several months of online learning (400 hours of online classes and quizzes) followed by 250 hours of hands-on "insertion" time, working with the equipment. Time I spend working on myself in the lab counts towards my hours, which means I can work on my legs or arms as part of my education. The whole education/certification process will take about a year, so this is a longer-term plan that I might have guessed, but that's ok.

The biggest concern I have right now is the physical aspect. I have steady hands and great coordination but my eyes are old and I worry about how my back might respond to sitting over a work table for hours at a time.

Still not sure if I'll proceed, but I'm strongly leaning towards doing so right now. The biggest challenge is to make 20 hours of classroom time with a 3 hour round trip drive while continuing to run my current business and serve my customers.

Quote from: Petunia on May 08, 2026, 05:56:56 AMHey Courtney,
I'm sure you don't need another pile on or someone trying to massage your ego,
but for the life of me I can't see how you walk around without being all woman.

Yeah, I get all the self doubt, I've seen it through out my life that the best, capable, most competant people are the ones who doubt themselves the most.  It's the imposters who are so confident, self assured who are failing.

Please beautiful lady, stand tall, proud, shoulders back and chest out (I like the way you said you like looking at what you have, it is quite magnificent) and just walk forward.

Don't doubt yourself. This is what you worked toward.

The only thing you are missing is confidence and that can be faked

Honey, I DO need someone to massage my ego, lol. I have low self esteem. Clinically speaking, I have some form of body dysmorphia, which means even when people tell me I look good (or pass as a woman, etc) I have trouble believing them. My eyes see and my brain tells me that I'm not enough. FFS has helped a little bit and the body development this medical transition has caused has helped a lot, but it's a slow process. Sometimes, I think I look cute but I don't know if I'll even believe I could pass or even get by.

Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement and flattery!

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2026, 10:05:27 AMHoney, I DO need someone to massage my ego, lol. I have low self esteem. Clinically speaking, I have some form of body dysmorphia, which means even when people tell me I look good (or pass as a woman, etc) I have trouble believing them. My eyes see and my brain tells me that I'm not enough. FFS has helped a little bit and the body development this medical transition has caused has helped a lot, but it's a slow process. Sometimes, I think I look cute but I don't know if I'll even believe I could pass or even get by.

Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement and flattery!

I think you look amazing.  I can only hope I look half as good.😗

One more thing: the insurance company refused my last 4 electrology claims. They decided that they needed a federal form W-9 and copy of the business license from my electrologist! I'd already jumped through all of their hoops, so they sat down and came up with a couple more. And they already have my electrologist's tax ID number, address and so on and they can easily Google her and verify that she's legit. Plus, I submit the credit card receipt for each invoice as well as the invoice itself so they can see that I actually paid for each visit. I suppose they'll want to see my credit card statements yet.

No worries, I've already submitted the requested info. I'll submit a DNA sample if I need to. I won't let them win. I have to believe that I'm being discriminated against due to the type of treatment I'm getting (gender-affirming care).

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on May 08, 2026, 10:14:32 AMI think you look amazing.  I can only hope I look half as good.😗

I'm sure you will, hon. HRT is magic, as is positive thinking.

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2026, 10:05:27 AMHoney, I DO need someone to massage my ego, lol. I have low self esteem. Clinically speaking, I have some form of body dysmorphia, which means even when people tell me I look good (or pass as a woman, etc) I have trouble believing them. My eyes see and my brain tells me that I'm not enough. FFS has helped a little bit and the body development this medical transition has caused has helped a lot, but it's a slow process. Sometimes, I think I look cute but I don't know if I'll even believe I could pass or even get by.

Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement and flattery!

Totally get all this too if I'm honest, although I take it totally to heart because of my mental health. Like you since FFS I've been happier with my facial femininity bar a few dips occasionally. I wont go as far as ever having thought I look even remotely cute to myself. Body is a different thing. That I'm currently completely unhappy with and can only wait and hope it gets better.

Like you say believing what people say is difficult and often hard to accept. For me that is because I know many people will lie to make someone feel better. Also someone's silence / word choice is actually a much better determination of someone's true appraisal of how one appears. I carefully consider each word and often notice that wording can be passive in its usage. For example citing that and outfit looks good whilst avoiding reference to the person being nice in the outfit. I guess I'm very sensitive to reading between the lines and maybe to much so!

Charlotte X

I agree that you look amazing!

I think that many of the issues we have stem from the procedures being labeled as Gender Affirming Care. Since all of my medical care comes from the VA, I have informed them that, according to their own records, I transitioned in 2022. Therefore, I am not receiving Gender Affirming Care. The care I receive is no different from what any other cis-woman veteran would receive. HRT is Hormone Replacement Therapy, which is common for women my age, especially those who lack ovaries or have diminished ovarian output due to age or disease. My electrolysis is still considered "cosmetic" because I have yet to convince them that my correct diagnosis is "hirsutism" and I am being treated by a non-VA provider.

As my friend, the accountant, told me, "It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on May 08, 2026, 10:40:21 AMTotally get all this too if I'm honest, although I take it totally to heart because of my mental health. Like you since FFS I've been happier with my facial femininity bar a few dips occasionally. I wont go as far as ever having thought I look even remotely cute to myself. Body is a different thing. That I'm currently completely unhappy with and can only wait and hope it gets better.

Like you say believing what people say is difficult and often hard to accept. For me that is because I know many people will lie to make someone feel better. Also someone's silence / word choice is actually a much better determination of someone's true appraisal of how one appears. I carefully consider each word and often notice that wording can be passive in its usage. For example citing that and outfit looks good whilst avoiding reference to the person being nice in the outfit. I guess I'm very sensitive to reading between the lines and maybe to much so!

Charlotte X

Sadly, I do think that the affirmations people provide us with are often borne of kindness, which means they are willing to exaggerate a little or say something nice whilst not necessarily believing it themselves. Trans people in online spaces will tell a very masculine-looking trans woman that she's "gorgeous" but it's sort of a rote comment in many instances. This is made worse when they pour extra compliments on a person who isn't meeting most people's standards for what they think gorgeous is.

The more evolved among us are saying it from a place of absolute honesty, since any trans woman living her truth is, in fact "gorgeous." It's not about "oh, you have features that are just like Michelle Pfeiffer," rather it's "I see the beauty that is you and I won't hold you to any unnecessary standards of what any person should look like."

I'm working on evolving my way of thinking on a daily basis and I'm starting to see people's true beauty without trying to compare them to some useless template. This is something we should all aspire to. If everyone could do that, then you and I wouldn't spend so much energy trying to measure ourselves against our perception of beauty and/or femininity.

Charlotte, I see the beauty in you. I look at your face and see a cute roundness, devilish eyes, a pretty nose and really lovely lips. But I see a woman, not because of those features, but because that's what I know you to be. I see you for who you truly are.

Courtney, it is kinda hard to really judge how you look from one photo and to be fair that is only one part of passing. If your posture and movement is like mine you won't pass as a woman.

But it doesn't look like that to me.  Your face looks like a nice middle age lady. Your body looks like someone who has taken care of themselves and you look quite fit. Your obviously pleased with your breasts and if you wear a low cut top like the other photo you posted I know where most peoples eyes will go, you will be looked at.

But I don't see anything that says guy.

Charlotte, like I've said before I can only see a woman in you.

You have a liking for super feminine clothes in really girly colours. How you dress is your choice and I'm glad you found a look.

Like I've said before I'd like to see how you look with a bolder colour choice. Even if you just hold up a cushion or two next to your face.

Your beautiful pale skin seems to dissappear next to lightly coloured clothes.

That's just my one opinion and you have to wear what you feel comfortable in.

Maybe play around with AI and change clothing colours?

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2026, 11:17:37 AMCharlotte, I see the beauty in you. I look at your face and see a cute roundness, devilish eyes, a pretty nose and really lovely lips. But I see a woman, not because of those features, but because that's what I know you to be. I see you for who you truly are.

I say the same back to you too. You're definitely someone I'd love to look as good as. You're feminine, cute and hot all at once. Quite the combo thats for sure. I guess we all find our own ways to be beautiful and feminine.

Charlotte 😻

I'm a little frustrated and can use some help. I have a new doc (through Plume) who has taken me off of shots and put me back on patches, claiming that the risk of a blood clot is too high. Here's the history/data:

About a year before HRT, I had a deep vein thrombosis in my leg, most likely caused by taking low-dose pueraria mirifica (a phytoestrogen) for several months. I had to take several months of medication, as well as a few follow-up blood tests.

Fast forward to about a year later, when I started pharma HRT, in the form of patches. The choice was due to my age (mid 50s) and the clot risk associated with other available delivery methods (injections, oral). I used the patches for 4 years but barely achieved acceptable levels. I had trouble suppressing my testosterone as well.

In January of this year, my nurse practitioner at Plume offered injections, stating that there isn't a significantly increased risk of clots. I enjoyed higher E, more suppressed T and a better overall experience.

I've started poring through online info and there seems to be some recent data that shows that estradiol valerate presents a significantly lower risk to pulmonary trouble due to being bioidentical. I may be mistaken, but it seems (and I've heard this) that the medical community is basing their decisions on VERY outdated studies using ethinyl estradiol.

Last week, my new practitioner told me that the only way she'll put me back on injections is if I get clearance from a hematologist. I have an early June appointment with one. The question is, will they be willing to look at the current data or will they just dismiss the option? There's a ton of gatekeeping around this, as you all know.

With all of this in mind, my goal is to arrived prepared, with as many credible, peer-reviewed studies as possible in the hope that the hematologist is willing to consider the data. I don't want to [unalive] myself but I would prefer injections if they truly are safe, so I'd appreciate any data you might have to help bolster my case. Thanks.

The doctor at Plume is ignoring the science.

Patches allow the estradiol to be absorbed through the skin and stored in the fatty tissue below. Injections bypass the skin and deliver it directly into the fatty tissue (assuming subcutaneous injections). There is no difference in clot risk. The risk comes from oral, not sublingual, because the digestive system first processes it in the liver. That is what affects clotting.

The real risk with injections, per my Endo, is a higher peak dose. You bypass the first-pass effect in the liver; however, once the hormone enters the bloodstream, it is processed by the liver. So, a higher blood dose can increase the risk. My Endo has suggested going back to patches (not happening), or decreasing the dose, and maybe changing injections from once a week to twice a week to avoid the high peaks.

My gynecologist in SD had a similar concern, so she changed my injections to once every ten days without decreasing the dose. I explained this to my current Endo and told him I do not want to change anything without evidence. I have no history of blood clots (me or my family), and I refuse to go back to patches.

He agreed to wait until September and review my labs between now and then. I know he is going to be looking for what he considers "high" peaks, but that also ignores basic biology. I am a fast metabolizer, per my Primary doctor, so my body eliminates some drugs very quickly before they can have the desired effects. The healthcare system seems to want my levels below 200, and when they see a peak of 400, they freak out. They ignore the fact that many cis-women have levels that peak over 400-600. During pregnancy, they can go over 1,000, and you don't see very many pregnant women having blood clots and strokes unless they have a history.

In the past, when I have argued this, they have admitted that I am correct and have changed to complaining about my progesterone dose. I tell them it is the same situation, and if they are that concerned, then take me off oral progesterone and let me have progesterone injections. They can't. (The VA does not have it in its formulary for available prescriptions.) So they back off until the next check-up.

It is like they feel they need to constantly tweak stuff. I tell them it ain't broke, so stop fixing it. I will let you know if I have any symptoms. For now, leave it alone.

I'll see if I can find the research I used to support my position.

Good luck.

Women who were prescribed transdermal HRT were 22% less likely to have an ischemic stroke, 25% less likely to have a thromboembolism, 26% less likely to have a myocardial infarction (MI), and 27% less likely to have a pulmonary embolism (PE) compared to those who received their HRT vaginally. Women prescribed oral HRT were 26% more likely to have an arterial clot but 7% less likely to have a stroke compared to those who received their HRT vaginally. We did not observe a difference in the likelihood of clotting disorders between injectable HRT and HRT administered vaginally.
Epic Research Study - April 23, 2025
Dual-Team Study
Team A: Kersten Bartelt, RN|Nitesh Mathur, PhD|Joe Deckert, PhD
Team B: Dave Little, MD|Emily Higgs
https://www.epicresearch.org/articles/blood-clot-risk-influenced-by-hormone-therapy-administration-route-in-women-50-and-older

Another article from 2023 that cites numerous other studies is at:
Estrogens and Their Influences on Coagulation and Risk of Blood Clots
By Aly | First published October 20, 2020 | Last modified March 28, 2023
Transfeminine Science

Injections of short-acting estradiol esters like estradiol valerate and estradiol cypionate are notable in that they are often used by transfeminine people and are generally used at doses that achieve high estradiol levels. As with high-dose transdermal estradiol patches, little to no quality data on the risk of blood clots exists for these preparations at present. Pyra and colleagues found that the risk of blood clots with injectable estradiol valerate in transfeminine people was increased by around 2-fold, but the confidence intervals were very wide and statistical significance was not reached (Pyra et al., 2020). The doses used in the whole population for the study were not provided, but in the actual VTE cases, the doses of injectable estradiol valerate were described and ranged from 4 to 20 mg once per week and 10 to 40 mg once every 2 weeks (Pyra et al., 2020).

@Lori Dee Thank you so much for your studied and informative response. I appreciate the links, as well. This tracks with what I've been reading.

It has been suggested that 2x injections per week is better for many to maintain levels and control peaks, so that's sounding attractive to me.

What's crazy here is that Plume is known for siding with trans people, so you'd expect that the practitioners would have waded through the outdated or incorrect information. This practitioner might be new to the practice and not generally inclined towards trans care, so she might be reading from the "script" that she's been exposed to. While I don't wish to argue with her, I'd love to try to turn her eyes to more trans-relevant, newer information than she might be looking at.

I feel the same about the hematologist and I haven't even met him yet. Whether he's even willing to look at this data is a crapshoot, but I'm going to prepare myself. For starters, I'll mention three big things:
1. Many are still referring to studies using synthetic estrogen
2. Most studies are based on very high levels of estradiol
3. The trans community is largely underserved and disregarded when it comes to research and data

Quote from: Courtney G on Yesterday at 02:34:52 PMI feel the same about the hematologist and I haven't even met him yet. Whether he's even willing to look at this data is a crapshoot, but I'm going to prepare myself. For starters, I'll mention three big things:
1. Many are still referring to studies using synthetic estrogen
2. Most studies are based on very high levels of estradiol
3. The trans community is largely underserved and disregarded when it comes to research and data

4. There is very little difference, if any, in clot risk between patches and injections.

Quote from: Lori Dee on Yesterday at 03:31:03 PM4. There is very little difference, if any, in clot risk between patches and injections.

I'll modify that and say "As I understand it, there is very little difference, if any, in clot risk between patches and injections." so as not to raise his ire. I know that doctors hate it when patients think they know something. The doctor/patient relationship is much like the man/woman one as I understand it.