Thanks for sharing. I love being out on the water too, but haven't been fishing in ten years. I have found I get too busy studying the geology and looking for clues of gold in the area. 

I felt the same way at first, about the girls. I knew that eventually it would be difficult to hide them. I used that time, like you said, to work on makeup, build my inventory of clothing and jewelry, expand my variety of wigs. I spent so much time working on other things, that I stopped worrying about the girls and just gradually slid into all-girl mode.

I know your situation is different. I live alone, so I can practice things in privacy before actually imposing myself upon the world. But it will get easier. The more you do it, the more experience you have, so the less fearsome things become.

I am so happy your hair is doing well. (so jealous.  )

Quote from: Courtney G on June 01, 2024, 12:53:59 PM- - - - - -
    {snipped text}
         - - - - - -
I wonder, with both glee and fear, what is going to happen with my breasts. I've gotten more than I ever wished for but my compression bras and getting increasingly snug and hiding is a daily challenge during the warm months. I sometimes wish they belonged to someone who could make better use of them. I hope I'm soon able to honor this gift that nature has bestowed on me.

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
The old adage of "be careful what you wish for" might apply to what you stated.

Earlier in my transition before I went Full-time my breast size zoomed past A and B cups and ended up fairy quickly with an overflowing C cup... it was no easy task of hiding those girls.  But when it was all said and done, I did get what I wished for, but just a little quicker than planned.

You look great by the way.  I am glad that your hair issues are approaching your expectations.

Keep posting, updating and sharing... the rest of your followers and I are always eagerly following your life endeavors.

Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Thanks, Danielle and Lori, for chiming in! Yes, my breasts are way past the tipping point. Hiding them seems to become more difficult every day. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. They are truly amazing.

My hair is really looking great - I'll have to post a photo soon. I also noticed that the thinning on my crown is going away. I have estradiol to thank for that.

I've been considering an orchiectomy. It would eliminate the need for spironolactone and would allow a wider range of wardrobe options in the future. Plus, it would make me happy. I do have some concern about losing function but my T is pretty much gone and everything works, so it shouldn't have any affect on performance, should it? Your input would be appreciated. There's that tiny voice in my head that says "you can't turn back from that" but really, I'm already past the point of no return, lol.

I shaved and zapped my chin with the IPL yesterday and stared in the mirror. I have short hair, had no makeup or wig on yet I saw something. I saw her. My face continues to change. The face in the mirror was softer than ever, kind of feminine. I can't tell you all how nice that feels. Makes me really want to get rid of those dark hairs on my chin, once and for all.

I'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Your fears are understandable. I have no desire to walk around with a target on my back in the worst state in the country for LGBTQ+ safety. But I am going in the opposite direction, not hiding. Out more, and pushing my safety concerns as reasons I need surgery NOW.

RE: the orchiectomy. I felt the same way at first. I researched the various types of bottom surgery, it appears that it does not affect function (unless nerves get damaged). I have a cis friend who had cancer and had his testicles and prostate removed. He is still fully functional and can get and maintain an erection. The only difference is ejaculation is dry.

For me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

I don't know if you already know this but thought it might be something you want to consider.

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2024, 08:04:17 PMI'd read about carbon dye as a solution for grays, so I'm giving it a try but the jury is still out as to whether it will be effective. I'm waxing as much of my face as I can tolerate (it hurts) then shaving very closely, then applying the dye to my skin, wiping the surface dye off with alcohol. The idea is that some dye will find its way into the root where it will absorb the heat from the IPL. It's also possible that the hairs I didn't extract by waxing will get a little dyed and will also get the zap.

I tried the carbon dye about 5-6 years ago on my chest.  That's where I had most of the grey hairs that the ILP wouldn't work on.  I couldn't get it into the pores and it just made a mess so I only tried it the one time.  It never occurred to me to try waxing or even my epilator before applying the dye.  My chest hairs are not as corse since starting the HRT, but if the waxing works for you, I may try it again.

The only place I really have any dark hair to speak of is on my face.  It's about 50/50 gray/dark.  My ILP instructions said not to use on your face, and of course I did try it there anyway. Damn did it hurt, so I stopped, thinking maybe it was not be safe.  Maybe I'll try that again too?  The facial hair really bother me too, especially the darker ones.

@Paulie

The reason for waxing or epilating first is so the pore is freshly opened and you can rub the dye down deep. I tried it just by shaving and it didn't work. I had the power on the IPL turned up to max and burned my face in three spots. Not bad, but like a sunburn. Yes, ouch.

Quote from: Courtney G on June 07, 2024, 06:54:12 PMI'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Hey Courtney-- I deeply respect your sentiments. I agree we live in dangerous times and that danger bears watching. There's also a lot of hope out there. Watch the news but don't let it consume you. Live your best life.

~Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on June 08, 2024, 05:03:59 AMHey Courtney-- I deeply respect your sentiments. I agree we live in dangerous times and that danger bears watching. There's also a lot of hope out there. Watch the news but don't let it consume you. Live your best life.

~Jenn

I agree with Jenn. Don't let the news consume you. There will always be a doomsday forecast. Y2k,Covid, Mayan calendar, you name it. The best we can do is to just live our lives in the best way we can. This too shall pass.

Quote from: Courtney G on June 07, 2024, 06:54:12 PMMy hair is really looking great - I'll have to post a photo soon. I also noticed that the thinning on my crown is going away. I have estradiol to thank for that.

I shaved and zapped my chin with the IPL yesterday and stared in the mirror. I have short hair, had no makeup or wig on yet I saw something. I saw her. My face continues to change. The face in the mirror was softer than ever, kind of feminine. I can't tell you all how nice that feels. Makes me really want to get rid of those dark hairs on my chin, once and for all.

I'm feeling the itch to present more. I'm looking forward to being out in public as Courtney. But I'm still super cautious, for more than one reason. I need to see what's going to happen in November. The former president just spoke at an NRA event and blamed "trans ideology" for mental health issues and violence and promised to deal with it. While baseless, these sort of statements stoke fears and anger and threaten us in ways we don't yet understand. If there's a shift in power, there will be a push to marginalize us the likes of which we haven't seen in years. This isn't me talking, this is based on stuff that has already happened and on promises that are being made publicly. Seems like I'll be even less inclined to come out in that case.

Glad to hear that your hair is coming along nicely. It's difficult having to wait so long, but the results are usually worth it.

Those first few times you see 'her' in the mirror are unforgettable. When you see those first glimpses of who you really are, after thinking it is someone you can never be. That is what helped push me along.

In many states, the 'awkward' stage can be rough. It seems that if your gender isn't easily discernable, some people are much more likely to give you a hard time. That's one reason why I waited as long as I could before 'flipping the switch'. Once I became 'Jessica', 'he' never returned.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: LoriDee on June 07, 2024, 10:31:16 PMFor me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

Valid thought. I strongly feel that I'll be OK with keeping my original equipment but it's important to realize that my thinking could change. I never thought I'd come out to myself but here I am, so...

Quote from: Paulie on June 08, 2024, 12:41:37 AMI tried the carbon dye about 5-6 years ago on my chest.  That's where I had most of the grey hairs that the ILP wouldn't work on.  I couldn't get it into the pores and it just made a mess so I only tried it the one time.  It never occurred to me to try waxing or even my epilator before applying the dye.  My chest hairs are not as corse since starting the HRT, but if the waxing works for you, I may try it again.

The only place I really have any dark hair to speak of is on my face.  It's about 50/50 gray/dark.  My ILP instructions said not to use on your face, and of course I did try it there anyway. Damn did it hurt, so I stopped, thinking maybe it was not be safe.  Maybe I'll try that again too?  The facial hair really bother me too, especially the darker ones.

I read up and watched some videos and it was explained to me that the dye won't get past the grays into the root, that you must pull the grays (waxing) and rub the dye into the roots. Not sure if it's working as the process takes time and effort, but I'm giving it a go. Way, way cheaper than electrolysis and my IPL has saved me thousands so far.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on June 08, 2024, 10:07:01 AMIn many states, the 'awkward' stage can be rough. It seems that if your gender isn't easily discernable, some people are much more likely to give you a hard time. That's one reason why I waited as long as I could before 'flipping the switch'. Once I became 'Jessica', 'he' never returned.

I've had similar thoughts. My (trans) friends have pushed me a bit to come out - with the best of intentions of course, but I've lacked the confidence. Since starting HRT, my skin has changed, my face shape changed, significant facial hair, body shape changes and of course, my scalp hair is growing in. It still feels a way off, but I sort of feel I have the tools for a public transition now and can't say I've ever felt that before.

Quote from: LoriDee on June 07, 2024, 10:31:16 PMYour fears are understandable. I have no desire to walk around with a target on my back in the worst state in the country for LGBTQ+ safety. But I am going in the opposite direction, not hiding. Out more, and pushing my safety concerns as reasons I need surgery NOW.

RE: the orchiectomy. I felt the same way at first. I researched the various types of bottom surgery, it appears that it does not affect function (unless nerves get damaged). I have a cis friend who had cancer and had his testicles and prostate removed. He is still fully functional and can get and maintain an erection. The only difference is ejaculation is dry.

For me, if I went the orchiectomy route, I would want a scrotectomy too, to remove the sack. That is skin that would be used in any plans for vaginoplasty in the future, so I decided to wait and just go for the full vaginoplasty. Plus I want to have as few surgeries down there as possible. Every surgery has risks. And with the number of people who need revision surgery to correct something that didn't quite heal right, I would rather just wait and try to get everything done at once.

I don't know if you already know this but thought it might be something you want to consider.

I've been doing the exact same research Lori, and I think I landed right where you did.

Courtney I was there too - thinking an Orchi might actually be a good step... but I really don't want multiple surgeries. Unless I concluded an Orchi would be enough for me, which I really don't believe, I think zero depth is my plan. Even my wife has read up on this and that's what she mentioned.

I know most people do that third in terms of the surgeries, but oddly I would wish to do that first. Even though I know FFS makes the most sense.

Oh and Courtney... all that political talk?

The issue does NOT poll well. Most people don't really care about the trans issue. Poll after poll backs this up. There's SOME evidence they've been swayed that there's some harm to young children being "forced" to have surgery when they are five years old (like this happens), and some do agree with the athletics issue (when hit over the head with it)... but otherwise most people fall into the "live and let live" category.

I too considered zero-depth. I am asexual so I really don't need any depth. But the more I thought about it I kept thinking what if something changes? What if I am 92 and in a nursing home and meet someone who changes my mind? Maybe I would want it available then. So don't just think about what you want today. Think about what you might want or need in the future. I decided that I didn't want to limit my options. So it is all the way for me.

Quote from: LoriDee on June 08, 2024, 11:48:35 PMI too considered zero-depth. I am asexual so I really don't need any depth. But the more I thought about it I kept thinking what if something changes? What if I am 92 and in a nursing home and meet someone who changes my mind? Maybe I would want it available then. So don't just think about what you want today. Think about what you might want or need in the future. I decided that I didn't want to limit my options. So it is all the way for me.

You 92-year old minx, you!! 😘

Totally understand.

For me:
1. Hopefully being able to avoid doing hair removal down there;
2. Not having to worry about dilation
3. The fact that I'm about to celebrate my 34th wedding anniversary with the only person I've ever loved...

All least me to zero depth making sense.

But I will now add "what if I become the lascivious Lana of the nursing home" to the "cons" section of the list before making my final decision when the time comes. 😉. In all seriousness, I think I would go into a consult with ZD in mind, but always be open to listen all options.

An update is in the works, I just have to get it out of my head and onto the page.

In the meantime, today marks two years and six months on HRT. As I reflect on that, two feelings come to mind:
I'm stunned
I'm grateful

I'm stunned that this time has passed so quickly, that I've experienced so many changes, new friends and experiences. Stunned that I actually did this; I can't believe I took this leap after sitting on the bench for so much of my life. I can't believe I went through with it.

I'm grateful for this gift I've been given. To want things for yourself is a part of human nature, as is denying yourself many of those things, for various reasons. There were a million reasons for me to stay closeted and not do this Thing. I was sure I'd take this secret to my grave, that I wouldn't have the right to realize the fulfillment of this dream. But I did it. It continues to be painful and challenging but nothing could replace the soul-level satisfaction I've felt at having scratched this itch. I'm grateful that my body has been so good to me, rewarding me abundantly for pointing its chemistry in the right direction, as though it wanted to run on estrogen all this time. I wish the same for anyone who's reading this but hasn't made the leap.

A bit of an update:

I was upstate in NY last weekend and took a day to visit with a trans feminine friend with whom I've gotten pretty close. We had some very frank conversation and grabbed a meal together. I'm only the second real live trans person she's seen in person, so my visit was very important to her. She's in her 60s and remains closeted due to her line of work. As she continues her HRT and moves toward figuring out how to manage her transition, she needs the extra support, so I'm glad I was able to visit with her.

A great time was had at a pride group picnic by Gina and I this past weekend. For anyone reading along who hasn't been to one, I highly recommend it. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more diverse and accepting environment. And it's always nice to spend time with Gina. I got to wear some cute clothes, makeup and my blond wig. I felt pretty. I really wish I could finish off the pesky dark whiskers that remain on my chin. Getting there...

I spent a bit of time after the picnic, fully dressed at home, in the company of my girlfriend. This was a MAJOR step, as she has never seen me dressed. It went better than expected. I still feel that my coming out full-time could be a bridge too far for her/us, but taking it slowly seems to have benefitted our relationship. I kept my fingernails painted for a day or so, then had to remove it, but my toenails remain a pretty shade of purple (my favorite). My legs are shaved.

I've been wearing mostly cami tanks at home during these hot weather days and I find it extremely affirming. Looking at my body from the neck down, it's looking 100% female. My lower waist is accumulating fat, which makes my waist look smaller. I have a couple of pairs of women's shorts and prefer those, along with my ladies' jeans - haven't worn boy jeans in months. Makes me want to work on my face and try to achieve a more passable look.

I've always been a bit of a character - a good actor, comic and mimic, as well as a musician who has sung a lot of high-pitched harmonies. These skills seem to be coming in handy, as I find it fairly easy to modify my comportment to a more feminine style when I choose to. Gina took a photo of me on the phone at the picnic and we had a laugh about the way my hand was on my hip. It feels natural to express myself with my arms and hands and I continue to be aware of my gait and my overall body language.

I went with Gina for her rhinoplasty consult yesterday and managed to piggyback my own consult with the surgeon with hers. We both were put in the same examination room, so the doctor didn't have to explain everything twice. The doc explained that he felt that a "ski slope" shape would work with my longer nose/face and he pointed out Brad Pitt's current partner, Inés de Ramón as an example of the type of face/nose combination I'd lean towards. Seeing her photo was a bit of a stretch, but her nose on my face would be heavenly! I'm super excited about this and really want to move forward with it. I'm reaching the point at which I'm willing to sell some stocks and forego some of the (minimal) long-term financial stability I've accrued in order to satisfy my life's desire to become the correct person.

But the biggest news of all if my partner's reaction to the last bit. I figured the nose job would be a "bridge" (joke) too far, but she took it in stride. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I don't think it will happen. This might actually happen for me - I can't believe it. I've said for a long time that three things were in my way: facial hair, lack of scalp hair and my face structure/shape and I feel hopeful that I'm getting all three sorted as I work through this process.

That's a wonderful update, Courtney!

I love hearing good news; it sounds like you had a good time. I also think your expectations are realistic. Nose, facial hair, and scalp are reachable goals. I am happy that you are getting things done so you can mark them off your checklist.

Good luck!

Another pride group picnic last weekend. My pal Gina went with me, of course. I was very stressed on the way there, as I had to rush to get ready - I was traveling for work and had a very busy week, so there was a lot of built-up pressure. Anyway, I felt it dissipate when we arrived at the picnic. It was great to see familiar faces - friends from our Zoom meetings, some of whom I met in person last year. Good people and a completely accepting environment. I highly recommend attending one of these if you haven't, especially if you're not out publicly. Face time with people in the queer community is like a salve for the trans soul.

I wore a cute skirt that my best friend bought me, along with a pink cami with shelf bra. The outfit was wonderful, and my blonde wig completed the look. I was happy to display my breasts, happy about the strong gender signal they send, proud of my development. I thought they were big last year, but Gina and I compared photos from last year's event to this one and the difference is astonishing.

I had a great time, but my makeup wasn't very good, as it was a rush job - it was mostly foundation, so it looked too much like my face was molded out of clay. No personality. And I really struggle with the remaining dark hairs on my chin. I can't look in a mirror because those hairs just scream at me and I feel very dysphoric.

I enjoyed dressing up so much, I decided to dress again the following night, taking a more deliberate approach to my makeup. The results pleased me - I felt "pretty." This astonished me. In a sea of dysphoria, I felt a wave of euphoria come over me. Maybe I have a chance.

I'm feeling a sense of momentum. So much has happened and much is in the works. I have a follow up with the plastic surgeon in a couple of weeks and it's likely I'll schedule a rhinoplasty - that's pretty seismic. In addition, I had the first of a series of laser sessions on my chin this week. My trusty Braun IPL has struggled mightily with the pesky chin stubble. If I'm to have a fighting chance, those dark hairs have to go. I felt amazing after the laser treatment, feeling as though I'm entering a more advanced level of effort toward being who I want to be.

It certainly was a nice time at the picnic. Its so nice to see you enjoying yourself as 'Courtney'! Better times are to follow as you travel further down the rabbit hole.
Your friend
Gina

Local Pride on, not sure if I would go.

UPDATE:

My rhinoplasty/septoplasty is scheduled for 9/16. I simply can't believe it. I'm hoping it helps feminize my face. I believe it will.

I've only had one laser session, but it managed to zap about 80% of the remaining dark hairs on my chin. I have 5 more sessions, so there's no doubt that these treatments will take care of the dark hairs, which remain a major source of dysphoria.

The above two items are 2/3 of my dysphoria trifecta, with my hair loss being the third. I'm on track to correct all three and I'm hoping I find it in myself to be more accepting/closer to my true self after this is finished.

Therapy with my partner is going well. I feel we've made several breakthroughs regarding better communication and conflict resolution, as well as discussing intimacy in a meaningful way. I consider myself fortunate. We're closer than ever lately.

We bought a house! A beautiful place on the Chesapeake Bay. One house away from the water. It's like a dream. We can finally sell our two houses and consolidate. I've never even lived in a home with a dishwasher or central AC and this is just way beyond. My only concern is that it's a *very* rural area and I don't expect to find much support there. I figure I'll have to travel a ways to interact with other trans people. I'll miss my good friend Gina. Fortunately, I won't be moving for several months, with early 2025 being likely (I have two houses to prepare for sale!).

My doc switched me to blood tests every 6 months instead of 3. I'm happy about the convenience and money saved, but feel curious about my levels. I'd really like to get an orchiectomy.