Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Am I doing this blog thingy right?😅

Anywho-I figured this would be a good place to put down my thoughts and ideas.

Thoughts of treeseeds
When do I feel gender dysphoria
-seeing a beautiful woman
-when thoughts of wishing I had the body of a woman happen
-when I see womens' clothing I want to wear
-when I see a cute guy (I think I'm bisexual). This is the first time I have ever acknowledged this.
-when I want to be treated like a woman


When don't I feel gender dysphoria
-when I wake up in the morning
-when someone gets angry with me
-when life in general becomes difficult

What thoughts and ideas come up in general
-I have a fear of losing everything
-being alone
-being an unattractive woman

What thoughts and ideas excite me
-the thoughts of growing breasts. I get tingly when I think about this
-the possibility of being the woman in a relationship with a man. Helllooo-bisexual
-being attractive
-men finding me attractive
-being beautiful
-people accepting me

These are just thoughts. This is an ultra-marathon not a sprint; am I right? 🤣

This is a great start for your blog!

It serves as your home here and gives you space to record your journey, as well as allowing your followers to read your latest updates. By having a record of your journey, others can see how things started for you, and then follow along to see how you handled those situations. We all learn from the stories of others. Additionally, years from now, you can look back here and see where you started. That is a big help when you feel stuck, and then realize how far you have come!

How much or how little you share is totally up to you. Safety First! This is the internet and anyone can read this. Just be careful not to share anything that you do not want to be made public. I look forward to following your journey!

Welcome To Blog-ville Treeseeds!

Lots of folks here have struggled with GD that comes and goes or "I have it at these times and not at others" ... in the end, it comes down more to... does what I feel mean changes need to be made to my life and if so... what changes? 🌻

A therapist can be helpful in exploring options... what it takes to deal with GD is different for all... for some, as little as wearing different underwear and leaving the rest of their life intact can be a fix... others go for full social and medical transition but there are infinite choices between those points... the fun is setting off on the adventure of finding what you truly want and need to make it a life that serves you well..🌻

Approach it all with hope that you'll find what you need and a spirit of adventure! I hear you on the guy thing... I went on my first dates with men early in my transition after a lifetime of relationships with women... My husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year!

May all your explorations be happy and blessed!

Onward!!!

Ashley 💕

Let 'er rip, honey. Welcome to blogspace. <3

Yesterday, last night, and this morning

Last night
While I was lying in bed I came up with a mantra. It is I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I CAN DO THIS!

Yesterday was a good day overall! It all went by in a blur and there isn't much to say. However, last night I was lying in bed and it occurred to me that I wasn't feeling at all dysphoric. Feeling this I decided to objectively look at the evidence as to why this could be;
-I was cross dressing during the day by wearing woman's underwear
-I allowed myself to feel whatever emotions I felt and just let them be
-when I looked at myself in the mirror what I saw in my mind didn't match what I saw in the mirror
-I did some self-care. Flossed my teeth, took the dog for a walk, laughed, ate healthy, drank more water then usual
-I reminded myself that this is an ultra-marathon not a sprint
-washed my face and moisturized!...lol

This morning and Today
-woke up thanking myself that I never transitioned, and that I don't want to
-I am allowing myself to sit with my thoughts in a non-judgmental way. Yes, when I look in the mirror it doesn't match what I see in mind
-I went and bought some skin care products to start taking better care of my face
-had a healthy breakfast
-washed my face and moisturized
-I am experimenting with crossdressing to see how I feel. So far I am feeling very feminine. I will say this though that when I pass a mirror what I see in the mirror doesn't match what I see in my mind.
-when I was at the store buying some products for my face the woman helping me was very beautiful, I felt very jealous of her.

At this moment
-I sit here typing on my laptop looking at my body and feeling a disconnect with what I am seeing. I am not judging this feeling, just acknowledging that it is there and saying a friendly "Hello there!"
-the anger and fear knowing that when I wake up in the morning I will be back to thinking that I am thankful that I never transitioned, and don't want to, and knowing that soon this thought will be replaced by another.

Objective observations and thoughts
-when I look at other people who have transitioned from male to female I get jealous
-it occurred to me recently that no matter what happens I will also be a parent to my children.

When it comes to this stuff, there is never a shortage of worrying, questioning, evaluating, vacillation, option weighing, attempts at clairvoyance, fear management,  moments of absolute clarity and moments of frustration with the the whole thing but,...somewhere amongst all of that, the answers to your questions reside and those answers will be worth all the efforts needed to seek them out...

Happy Hunting..

A 💕

I am just out running some errands and listening to some really good music in the car. There was an amazing sunset! The colours were amazing!

This makes me think that no matter what;
-sunsets and sunrises will look the same.
-the rain falling on my face will feel the same.
-music will sound the same.
-nature will look and smell the same.

EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME!

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I CAN DO THIS!
-

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I spent a good part of the day crying and being angry.

I have no objective reason as to why this could be. Subjectively I can say that I can say that I dislike having to go through what I am going through. Interestingly enough what decreases this feeling is telling myself "Who in their right mind would want, or choose to go through something like this?"

Today is better! I guess this is just evidence that I will have my good days and bad days.

Living with ADHD
I have been dealing with ADHD symptoms for my whole life. One of the symptoms of this is that I find it difficult to stick with hobbies, and I will often go down rabbit holes. I think it is important for me to acknowledge here that this could be another rabbit whole of mine. For me I will get obsessed with something from 2 weeks to a couple of months. It is exhausting because I know when I go down a rabbit hole I will be 100% committed but know in the back of my mind that this will eventually end and I will move onto something else, or back to my baseline. When the rabbit hole ends I will be sooooo tired that all I want to do is sleep! This is the 4th (maybe more) rabbit hole of questioning my gender that I have gone down. However, my whole life I have always wanted the body of a woman; and I have always been jealous of people who are born female, or jealous of people who have fully transitioned. I don't know yet what this means for me.

I have been think of doing something that I haven't done in over a decade. Previously, when I lived in a different city I lived part-time as a woman. Men were flirting with me, and it was exhilarating! So, my plan is to try this again. For this I will go to the city next to me which is about 3 hours away get my makeup done professionally and go out and about to see how I feel.

Pro Tip about going out in public for the first time (THIS IS STRICTLY BASED UPON MY EXPERIENCE AND OPINION)
If someone is thinking about going out in public for the first time as a different gender and is reading this it is safer to do it where there is lots of people around. The reason why it is safer that if anything does happen there will be people around to help you, and it will be easier to get help if you need it. When I did this before nothing ever did happen to me, but I felt safer with other people around even if they were complete strangers.

All the best on your gender safari! Enjoy! 😀👍

I think that many members here did this as well. It started as weekends, or maybe a vacation, and business trips away from home. The more they did this and felt ok with it, the more they tried to incorporate "Me" time doing just that. Eventually, they realized that this was what they wanted, and if they were able to, chose a time to come out officially.

You are still early in your journey, so definitely take time to explore SAFELY. Explore what works and what doesn't. It is all part of the grand discovery of who you really are. Getting in touch with that is priceless.

I went shopping fearing the worst and nobody noticed.

It is a Sunday, and it feels like -24c outside. For here it could be a lot colder. I actually like the cold. And my favourite times of the year is the changing of one season to the next! I love the colours of autumn, I love the crispness of the cold and everything to do with the holiday season (smells, colours, the food, the cheesy holiday movies...lol), the renewal of spring, and chance to do some fun outdoor activities in the summer. This makes think of how we change throughout our lives. "The season of change" is a saying that I have heard before.

These last few days have been good for me! It has been a time of reflection and thought.

Some thoughts I have been having are;
-yes, I have gender dysphoria but maybe I am not trans? Could there be a way to lessen the symptoms without transitioning? Things like cross dressing, and doing things that are "feminine".
-I don't want to loose my family, wife, friends, and children. My life is on a good trajectory and I don't want to loose that. I have a career with full benefits, and a pension that once I start collecting it, it won't run our or end. I know I am very lucky.
-one moment I don't want to transition to female, the next it feels like I am on this trajectory and it is going to happen. But then it occurs to me that no decisions need to be made now and I need to take my time to reflect and think about what I want and need.
-I am jelious of the female body, and it feels like I am missing out by not having one. I am also jelious of people what have been able to transition. This next sentence I would like to state as objectively as possible and it is not to pass judgment on others; I cannot fathom why someone would want to transition from female to male. I do not say this to be derogatory towards our brothers who have also been on this journey this is just an objective observation on my thoughts.

Experiences. Objective observations
-when I do things to express my feminine side I have noticed the symptoms of dysphoria lessen. I then think "Yes! This could be the answer! Perhaps all I need to do is maybe cross dress, and other things." However, thinking this makes me feel sad and frustrated because it feels like it isn't enough.
-anger and frustration about going through this. It feels like this is a path that will never end for me because I don't have the courage to do something about it.
-researching ways to make myself passable when I go out in public like I did before.
-when I look at myself in the mirror while I am doing things to lessen the symptoms of dysphoria what I see in the mirror doesn't match what I see in my mind.
-I have been sitting with the feelings of anger and frustration, and sadness. I am doing my best to just allow these thoughts to come and go.

I had a good session with my therapist! However, it feels like due to my own process, frustration, and questioning I might be making her frustrated. But I know I am so lucky to have my therapist! She is such a cool person and I am thankful that I reached out to her!  :D

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMSome thoughts I have been having are;
-yes, I have gender dysphoria but maybe I am not trans?

Impossible. By definition, if you have gender dysphoria then you are transgender. However, some transgender people do not have gender dysphoria. The meaning of DYSPHORIA is a state of feeling very unhappy, uneasy, or dissatisfied. Some transgender people are happy and satisfied with their lives, whether they transitioned or not. Each individual is different.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMCould there be a way to lessen the symptoms without transitioning? Things like cross dressing, and doing things that are "feminine".

Yes, absolutely. There is no requirement for anyone to do anything. Some people are afraid of the same risks that you mention, and decide that transition is not for them. Some just postpone their transition because maybe they want to wait until their children are grown, or the situation is more stable. The key is to do whatever works for you.

In my own experience, my family members mostly have been openly unsupportive. I am 67 years old and have no time for negativity in my life. I have accepted who I am and if they cannot, that is their problem, not mine. I have offered to try to help them understand, but they are not interested and I do not communicate with them. I am a happier person without all the negativity and they are happy to not be confronted by someone who challenges what they think they know about transgender people.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMI would like to state as objectively as possible and it is not to pass judgment on others; I cannot fathom why someone would want to transition from female to male. I do not say this to be derogatory towards our brothers who have also been on this journey this is just an objective observation on my thoughts.

I understand that you intend no malice in this statement. You are thinking along the lines that you do not want to be male, so why would anyone else? Now, think about that. Some people were born with female characteristics that they hate as much as you hate your maleness.

If we stop thinking about gender as male and female, masculine and feminine, but more like colors of the rainbow. Some people born in the red light might wish they had been born in the green light. They prefer the look and feel of green light over red. Some born in violet light might wish they were more yellow, and so on. It is all about your mental image of yourself. Deep within your mind, you have an image of yourself. For most people, it is the same image that they see in the mirror. For us, the image is different somehow. Ignore the male/female aspect. The image is different.

We cannot change our mental image of ourselves. We can accept the differences, or work to make changes to alleviate those differences. Each person decides for themselves what is acceptable, even if it is not perfection.

 

Well...well...well...

Here we are at another day of the earth spinning around in space. I'm not to sure what to write about today. I'm feeling pretty good this day! I do have some anxiety over work, but I think that is nothing out of the ordinary for anyone.

This makes me think that no matter how one lives their lives, and no matter how they present themselves you will always face the same stresses.

Some questions
1)Will transitioning to female solve all of my problems?
-no, it will not! Only working on myself and doing what I need to do to be a productive member of society, and a positive influence on my family and community will do this. This leads me to another question; can I do these things while presenting as a woman? Yes! I can! I truly believe that the core of me and who I am won't change, I will still be the same me. The outside will look a lot different! I am worried about losing myself, if I am being completely honest.

2)Will I find love?
-my wife is beautiful! And every day she looks more and more beautiful to me! I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose my family. However, I know that she needs to do what makes her happy. And if I do go through with a transition and she can't be with me it will be difficult but eventually I will need to find a way through this. If I end up alone will anyone ever love me again like my wife loves me? I have no insight to the answer of this question.

3)Will the feelings of dysphoria decrease if I transition?
-I truly hope the answer is yes. What if it doesn't though? What if there is something else that is missing? I guess I won't know the answer to this question unless I transition.

4)Can I live my life without transitioning and just finding ways to live how I am?
-yes and no. Yes, in the way that I have done it for decades now. No, because it is exhausting to be in this constant revolving door of gender questioning, which then leads to depression and anxiety. I am tired of constantly finding myself at the same spot of trying to answer this question. The answer to this question has been "I don't know" forever. This is getting tiring.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 13, 2025, 10:14:22 AM-my wife is beautiful! And every day she looks more and more beautiful to me! I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose my family.

Keep in mind that this is a very slow and gradual process. It isn't like going to the "body shop" and coming home looking totally different and shocking everyone. The process is gradual, and the people who see you every day may not even notice subtle changes. That gives her the chance to adapt to your new appearance slowly. Your job in this part is to continue to show her that you are the same person, only better. I think she might enjoy a happier you.

Others who do not see you often, like family members who visit a few times a year, will likely be the first to notice any physical changes. But that is down the road a ways. It takes months after starting HRT for those changes to BEGIN to happen. Again, it is a very slow process so it will take time before anyone notices a difference physically. But it is still the same you, hopefully, a happier version.

A few answers from my point of view...

#1) transition does not solve all problems of course... it is a bit of trading one set of problems for another set but, it does address problems that have often plagued us for a lifetime and provides us a foundation to begin building the life we want... in truth... you might not be losing yourself at all but, rather... finding yourself!🌻

#2) I had the thought early in my transition that although I was pursuing the correct path, it would likely be a lonely path... I could not have been more wrong... as we present our true self to others we create deeper bonds than we ever could before... I also flipped the script as they say... after a lifetime of relationships with women... I am happily married to a man... if a psychic had predicted this before I began transition, I would have told them to get off the drugs and give me my money back 😅

#3) Most folks, as a rule, feel far less GD from my observations after they begin finding and expressing their true self but, everyone is different... We do not indeed know what lies behind doors until we open them and step through... but, whatever we find there can still be viewed and shaped by our perspectives and choices... ❤️

#4) Your world belongs to you and I offer you wishes of clarity as you seek the answers that will best serve you... in truth there is no right and wrong path here... just different ones... find the one that best resonates with what you truly need to make your life the experience you need most. 🙏

Onward,

Ashley 💕

It's a beautiful cold day here and the sky is a blue bird colour!

My morning was good! I have made the observation that the less I am worked up about gender dysphoria when I go to bed the less I am conflicted when I wake up in the morning!

Riding the waves of emotion I have heard is a lot like learning how to surf. You can either hang 10, or you can not even learn how to balance on the waves.

Things seems very much like they are on a knife edge. In a good way! It's difficult to describe. Emotionally I feel present in the moment, and I feel much more accepting of myself and what I am going through. Last night I told a friend that no matter where this journey leads me it is my body, and my mind and no one can dictate to me what I can do with my body or how I should think. If I am being honest it makes me angry to think that there are people out there who think that they can dictate this to others.

I am having the experience of my body feeling like it should look like a woman's body. However, when I look in the mirror what I see does not match what I see in my mind.

One experience I had was when I was looking at my legs. It felt like they don't look right. They looked wrong. It was like looking at someone else's legs and being shocked when they didn't look like mine.

Sometimes I think about how my life experiences don't seem to match up with how they should have been.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 05, 2025, 04:50:04 PMThis is an ultra-marathon not a sprint; am I right? 🤣

I like this analogy, I liken it to life long journey.

A trip around the world perhaps.  It is for a long time.

Well, it's a Wednesday! This isn't a typical Wednesday for me. There's been an illness going around and I have been having to stay home because of it. I guess the good thing about this is that I am able to do some self reflection and have some peace and quiet! I relish these moments because they are far and in between.

The last two mornings have been better for me. This could be because I have been working on not stressing myself out over my gender dysphoria. When thoughts bubble up in my mind I have been working on just letting them go. Mindfulness and meditation used to play a huge role in my life, and I have been working on getting back there.

I kind of miss the old me. However, at the same time I don't really know who the real me is. Confusing, I know. At this time I consider myself lucky that I am able to do this work. There's a few things that I think I should acknowledge;

1)My work place and co-workers are very LGBTQ2S+ friendly! During the last pride event in our area they had pride t-shirts made up for all employees (almost everyone wore them, and this is 150+ employees!), buttons that said "you are safe with me", posters for people to put up that promoted inclusiveness. They also have a committee for the LGBTQ2S+ that does meet to organize and plan.

2)My wife still says she loves me. I am not going to lie and say everything is perfect. We both have our moments of frustration and emotional intensity. She has requested that I not discuss anything with her until I have more information. We still talk about the future and hopes and dreams. I love her and she is beautiful.

3)I have been able to get help very quickly! I will be seeing the specialist at the end of the month, and wifey is aware of this.

I have always believed that we are in continuous motion of discovering who we are and it never really stops.

I am going to work on sitting with these thoughts and emotions, and to not force anything.

Why am I more worried about dissapointing and upsetting others then I am of dissapointing and upsetting myself?

Quote from: treeseeds on January 15, 2025, 05:48:50 PMWhy am I more worried about dissapointing and upsetting others then I am of dissapointing and upsetting myself?

It is perfectly natural. A lot of us went through that too.

For me, I just reached a point where I ran out of ... to give. I got tired of living for everyone else and decided to start living for myself. Let the rest of the world burn, I made myself the priority.

You are still learning, grasshopper.  ;D

You and myself Lori, some times we have to be "selfish".

I am not doing good.

I have decided that the only way I can move forward in life is to take every night to just cry, and cry, and cry. I feel like to much of coward to do anything about my gender dysphoria. It's an ever revolving door of sadness and hurt.

morning-wake up sad and angry
night-cry and cry and cry
-rinse and repeat

I am so sad, not angry just sad.

You know that song from the 90's? I think it's the 90's. "Absolutely" (story of a girl) by Nine Days? That's me, every day and all day.

All I want to do is cry, and I want it to end. I feel like I am done physically, mentally, spiritually. What does this mean? That from now on my life will just be full of suffering. I will be here for my family, for those that need me. But I will be sad. I am not willing to take a chance on me and risk losing it all. I won't be here for me, only for others.

There is an old saying: "If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting."

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. You need to talk to your therapist about this. Understandably, you don't want to change things and risk the loss. Our fear of loss is more powerful than the incentive of a reward. This is the dilemma you are facing.

You will need to find a compromise. Find something small that you can change that will help you feel better and not be so drastic that it affects those you are trying to protect. Baby steps all the way. Humans are homeostatic creatures in that we resist change, yet change is necessary for progress. If that were not true, we would still be living in caves.

I truly hope that you can find your way.

Hugs!

Hi everyone!

It's snowing where I am. And it's absolutely lovely out! I don't have much to say at the moment. But I felt the urge to write something down so I decided to stick with that feeling. I am listening to some music at the moment, and I have it set to random. Some really amazing music is playing that I have never heard before. Interesting how algorithms work.

This makes me think of the concept that maybe our minds are an algorithm. As babies and children we get programmed with one that will carry us through our lives. However, for some people there's a glitch in the code that will cause messages to skip a certain section of code. And that section of coding that is skipped, or not read properly, causes the system to need a reboot or help with reconfiguring the algorithm. Not changing, because there's nothing wrong with the system, but the code was just being read wrong setting us off on the wrong algorithim. Is this making sense, or am I just going down a weird rabbit whole that only I can understand?

PICTURE ME STANDING IN FRONT OF A BULLETIN BOARD WITH SHEETS OF PAPER TACKED UP WITH BITS OF STRING CROSSING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE PIECES OF PAPER

You are dangerously close to the truth!

Our subconscious minds run on a "program". It isn't based on logic, but emotions and memories. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory.

If we have a bad experience with a barking dog, the subconscious stores that memory. It then starts to avoid what it perceives as danger. If we have many such experiences, we can develop a phobia.

But if we have many good experiences with dogs, those memories can override the bad ones and we realize that not all dogs are dangerous.

This is also how habits are formed. Many good experiences and a few bad ones can cause the mind to crave more of the "good stuff" despite any risks or bad experiences.

It is very similar to an algorithm!

This is my second attempt at this blog! I didn't post it quick enough and got logged out. Pro tip-if you can save your work before you attempt to post it...do it...I had  such a good blog post and I lost...lol

Anywhooo. I am glad it is the weekend.

I have started a voice journal! I am finding it is very helpful for me talking out loud my thoughts, doing thought experiments, disagreeing with myself, and agreeing with myself! I recommend doing it if you can.

My last two mornings have been better. If you remember my mornings are the worst! I don't have difficulty with any aspect of sleep. My mornings always include me being angry about having gender dysphoria. If I am objective about the reasons why it would be thinking about having to put in the effort into covering up the maleness. But then I think "But if I have done HRT this won't be an issue!" That does make me feel a bit better. It is important for me acknowledge that my mornings include the thoughts of "I am so glad I didn't transition!", "I don't want to transition!", and "If I do HRT this won't be an issue"; this is apart of the process. I always remind myself that I need to be objective with this. Seeing before and after pictures of people my age and looked similar to me is encouraging.

I have also been thinking about my fashion sense as a woman. I don't see it being much different then it currently is. As a woman I see myself wearing jeans, t-shirts, flannel/sweaters (think my boyfriends' sweater style...lol). I am very much an outdoorsy person, and I honestly think that that style fits me best. Googling the feminine outdoorsy fashion style gives me a tingly feeling.

There was something else I wanted to mention...what was it? Hmmmmm....Oh yes! I remember. If anyone out there has any wig recommendations please message me! I think that is all for now.

TTFN  :)

Quote from: treeseeds on January 18, 2025, 08:41:18 AMThis is my second attempt at this blog! I didn't post it quick enough and got logged out. Pro tip-if you can save your work before you attempt to post it...do it...I had  such a good blog post and I lost...lol

Anywhooo. I am glad it is the weekend.

I have started a voice journal! I am finding it is very helpful for me talking out loud my thoughts, doing thought experiments, disagreeing with myself, and agreeing with myself! I recommend doing it if you can.

My last two mornings have been better. If you remember my mornings are the worst! I don't have difficulty with any aspect of sleep. My mornings always include me being angry about having gender dysphoria. If I am objective about the reasons why it would be thinking about having to put in the effort into covering up the maleness. But then I think "But if I have done HRT this won't be an issue!" That does make me feel a bit better. It is important for me acknowledge that my mornings include the thoughts of "I am so glad I didn't transition!", "I don't want to transition!", and "If I do HRT this won't be an issue"; this is apart of the process. I always remind myself that I need to be objective with this. Seeing before and after pictures of people my age and looked similar to me is encouraging.

I have also been thinking about my fashion sense as a woman. I don't see it being much different then it currently is. As a woman I see myself wearing jeans, t-shirts, flannel/sweaters (think my boyfriends' sweater style...lol). I am very much an outdoorsy person, and I honestly think that that style fits me best. Googling the feminine outdoorsy fashion style gives me a tingly feeling.

There was something else I wanted to mention...what was it? Hmmmmm....Oh yes! I remember. If anyone out there has any wig recommendations please message me! I think that is all for now.

TTFN  :)

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Chrissy

@treeseeds

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Check out this topic on wigs:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,212435.0.html

There are lots of postings about wigs.  I would try the Beauty area:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,341.0.html

Well...I had that dream last night...you know the one...

The one where I am a woman. This one was interesting because it started off with me looking at a photograph of me and then the image turned into a female version of me. My body then felt like a woman's body. I will objectively and honestly say I love those dreams and I wish I had them more often!

Yesterday I went to go and see my parents. It was so frustrating! I came to a sad realization. My father is the type of person who constantly picks fights with people in every single conversation. You cannot have a conversation with this man without him starting an argumentative discussion! I am in my 40's, and I just realized this. It makes me incredibly sad, I did break down crying when I had this realization when I got home that it took me so long to understand this. When I pulled up to their house and I saw my father I felt a pang of fear. I could literally see annoyance in his eyes, and it scared me! How would I explain to man like this what I am going through? Oh, he also called my wife a bitch when she wasn't around...so there's that...I wish I loved the man but a life time of emotional abuse really messes up one's emotions. Yes, I am in therapy for this. How do you talk with someone that when you talk with them they start an argument every single time?

There was something else I wanted to talk about...what was it?...Oh yes, when I was at my parents I didn't feel dysphoric. When I got home I didn't feel dysphoric. This morning I wasn't thinking about my gender, I was just going about my daily routine. My brain feels all muddled with this. It's like I can't remember exactly how I was feeling. The best way to describe it is thinking to myself "I know I have gender dysphoria, but I don't feel that way". At this exact moment my body feels feminine, yet when I look in the mirror what I will see won't match up. This makes me feel frustrated and angry. At what point will I stop feeling angry and frustrated about this whole thing?

In an earlier post I spoke about algorithms. Perhaps what I am feeling is a programmed algorithm, the feeling of not wanting to be transgender but knowing and feeling in my body and mind that something doesn't exactly match. And wanting it to match! My habit is to push against this, that is my programming. Perhaps I need to stop pushing and just let things ride out the way they are and see what presents itself? This could be a way of rewiring that algorithm that I have been living with my whole life. The one my father and others programmed into me.

Let's go back to how I felt around my parents. Not feeling dysphoric.  I was saying to myself while I was there "Push those feelings away! The only way to be around my parents is just continue how I am. Life will be so much less stressful if I do this, to continue presenting as a man". Yet, I knew the feelings of dysphoria would come back and wouldn't go away. I literally had to leave them for a couple of hours just to get away from the toxic environment. My father got angry for me wanting some time to myself, but I just couldn't take the toxicity anymore. While I was away I did consider telling my parents about my gender dysphoria. I'm glad I didn't because I am still figuring out what all this means for me.

I know the feeling. My father is similar.

When he argued with me, I would just stop talking. Eventually, I stopped visiting. The arguments continued when we talked on the phone. I had been transitioning for three years before I told him. I had learned enough about dysphoria to be able to explain it to him. My counter-arguments were in the form of explanations about things he didn't know about. I sent him links to medical studies and articles that explain what gender dysphoria is and what the appropriate treatment is.

Then his computer stopped working. Every time I called, it was in the shop getting repaired. Then he got it fixed, but his email wasn't working. Suddenly, his email provider stopped servicing his address even though he lives in the middle of a large city in Colorado. He said he was switching over to a new email/internet service provider. That was before Thanksgiving, and he still has not emailed me or offered his email address.

I stopped calling him and he realized that he would have no contact with me if he didn't contact me. It took him two years to start calling me by my legal name.

I don't need the stress. I choose not to have negativity in my life and if that is all he has to offer, I will opt out. I do not need to talk to him. I am 67 and I would love for us to be able to have an adult conversation. For that to happen, he must treat me like an adult, or else I won't participate. I have more important things to do.

It was hard to do, but when he asked why we were not in contact as much anymore, I explained to him that I was not going to argue with him. If he is interested in learning about what I am going through, I am happy to explain it. But not if it means an argument. Now when he calls, we talk about the weather or our latest medical appointments. I secretly enjoy telling him things like I had an appointment for a mammogram or to see my Gynecologist. Just my way of reminding him who he is talking to.  ;D

Normally I don't do 2 blog posts in a day. But I need to get this typed out!

I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now! Oh...wait...there it is...it literally just happened. This just happened while I was typing out "I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now!" I wonder why this happens? I went through my entire morning not feeling it all, and now it just pops up? Seriously....  :-\

Quote from: treeseeds on January 19, 2025, 02:17:33 PMNormally I don't do 2 blog posts in a day. But I need to get this typed out!

I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now! Oh...wait...there it is...it literally just happened. This just happened while I was typing out "I am not feeling at all dysphoric right now!" I wonder why this happens? I went through my entire morning not feeling it all, and now it just pops up? Seriously....  :-\

I think out path is less defined by whether we feel dysphoric in our every waking moment but... if we feel it often enough and intensely enough, that adjustments need to be made in how we approach life!

Onward!

A💕

It's a beautiful cold morning! Last night I went to take the dog out. It was below -30c. If you have never experienced those cold temperatures before it can eerie. It is very very very quiet. Usually it doesn't snow at these temperatures but last night there was a light dusting of snow. Dirt particles in the air will also freeze and fall to the ground. So the stars and northern lights are incredible! The most amazing northern lights I have ever seen were ones that covered the whole sky, you couldn't see the black of the night sky just the lights!

When I woke up this morning I was in one of the best moods I have been in for a long time! There was no dysphoria. As I got going for the day it did come to mind but not as heavily.

When I feel dysphoria
-when all is right in my universe
-when I see a beautiful woman
-wanting the body of a woman
-when something disrupts my peace of mind

When don't I feel dysphoria
-when people are angry around me
-when life is stressful
-when I am around my parents
-usually when I first wake up in the morning
-when I think about having to put in the effort of telling people about my gender dysphoria
-when I think about how much work and effort it took me to get ready in the morning when I lived part time as a woman

How do I feel right now?
-at this time I am just riding this wave of being in a good mood. So, I will just leave it at that.

When I realized I was transgender and understood that it was an inherent part of who I am, I made the choice to transition. I knew then, that transitioning was not about becoming someone new, but about aligning with my authentic self.

I hope that helps, and I wish you find peace and happiness in your journey.

~ Lilis

Quote from: Lilis on January 20, 2025, 09:50:59 AMWhen I realized I was transgender and understood that it was an inherent part of who I am, I made the choice to transition. I knew then, that transitioning was not about becoming someone new, but about aligning with my authentic self.

I hope that helps, and I wish you find peace and happiness in your journey.

~ Lilis

I certainly can relate to this. 

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 20, 2025, 10:04:05 AMI certainly can relate to this. 

😊❤️❣️

My morning-woke up a bit grumpy. Not wanting to feel dysphoria and thanking myself for not transitioning. I am also convinced I am not transgendered.

Drive to work-the feeling of not being transgendered continues. This feels right! I look at myself in the rear view mirror and the face looking at me doesn't feel right. The sadness and frustration kicks in, I recognize that it is important to be mindful of these emotions for what they are.

Other thoughts at this time
-wanting to have the body of a woman feels right. But I am confused because of how I felt this morning.
-I have gynecomastia, I feel my breasts move under my shirt and I want them to be bigger. This happened immediately after I woke up.
-I feel shame for thinking what I think and being who I am
-the thought that if I really was transgendered I would act more feminine
-thinking that if I transitioned I would regret it
-frustration and anger that the thoughts of being transgendered keep on popping up! I want them to go away

I am interacting with people at work. How would they react and think about me if I transitioned to a woman? I feel angry, frustrated, and confused. It feels like every thought and emotion I ever had concerning this is coming up all at once! And that's okay 😁

I'm not sure how this blogpost will go, so here we go!

I did not the best of nights. I woke up in the middle of the night having a low grade panic attack. When I woke up the first thought that occurred to me was that having gender dysphoria and being transgendered is not who I am. I have this thought and feeling in a consistent basis every morning, but this the first time I have ever had a panic attack.

Objective observations
Childhood-I would go to bed at night praying that I would wake up a girl. I would put my penis between my legs at night hoping it would fall off.

Adulthood
-feelings of gender dysphoria creep up. My mornings are full of thoughts of not being transgendered, yet after that those thoughts happen during the day time.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

I am not sure how this blog will end...lol

These last couple of days have been very confusing for me. I keep a voice diary where I am able to think and talk out loud my thoughts. I recommend it! It's a very helpful tool!

I have realized that through this voice diary that all I do is talk and think myself into knots and cicles.

This is what comes up (not verbatim)
*CUE THE COMICAL MONTAGE*
-I'm a trans woman and I need to figure out how to handle this.
-I am not transgendered because every morning I do not think I am and even refuse to even consider the possibility.
-I am a trans woman and I need to transition! But I know thoughts will come up that I am not.
-I am cis-gendered man so maybe I am just a cross dresser. But I know that thoughts will of being a trans woman will come up again....and again...and again....
-F this! I am tired and exhausted! I don't want this! I am done with everything!
-I am just a cross dresser and for some reason I think about transitioning.
-I want someone to tell me what I should do because I can't figure this out.

I'm sure there's more! I may add to this list later.

Random thoughts will spin your head in circles.

In psychology, we learned about NATS. Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs) are often distorted, negative, self-critical, and biased towards pessimism.

This is an unhelpful form of self-talk that we all do. "I'm not worthy." "Nothing good ever happens to me." and so forth.

By structuring your thoughts and focusing on goals and positive feelings, you can avoid and even teach yourself not to think negatively. Some people recite a mantra or motto to help them focus on the goal. You can do something similar.

The key is to sort out those conflicting thoughts, dispose of the negative, and stay focused on the positive.

The easiest way to "Zap a NAT" is to examine it and determine if it is really true. Very often, it isn't. If it isn't true, then dispose of it because it is unhelpful.

I hope this helps.

@Lori Dee I love you. 😊❣️

Yes, I've been there, very unhelpful!

Thanks ❤️

Quote from: treeseeds on January 23, 2025, 08:56:46 AMI am not sure how this blog will end...lol

These last couple of days have been very confusing for me. I keep a voice diary where I am able to think and talk out loud my thoughts. I recommend it! It's a very helpful tool!

I have realized that through this voice diary that all I do is talk and think myself into knots and cicles.

This is what comes up (not verbatim)
*CUE THE COMICAL MONTAGE*
-I'm a trans woman and I need to figure out how to handle this.
-I am not transgendered because every morning I do not think I am and even refuse to even consider the possibility.
-I am a trans woman and I need to transition! But I know thoughts will come up that I am not.
-I am cis-gendered man so maybe I am just a cross dresser. But I know that thoughts will of being a trans woman will come up again....and again...and again....
-F this! I am tired and exhausted! I don't want this! I am done with everything!
-I am just a cross dresser and for some reason I think about transitioning.
-I want someone to tell me what I should do because I can't figure this out.

I'm sure there's more! I may add to this list later.

Deep breath Treeseeds!

The mental hamster wheel draws many people in as they search for answers to the feelings that have long plagued them. The wheel can keep you running in circles for a very long time without getting anywhere if you let it...

I think the trick is to stop running... step outside of the wheel and look at the big picture... look at what you feel... it puts you into unresolved cycles of unease as you feel troubled and lacking a clear path to resolution...

Answers do exist but, they likely won't be found while running on that wheel... they will be found in answering the questions.. what do I need in my life to make it the experience that I want and how do I need to organize my life so I do not keep falling into periods of deep unease punctuated by periods of  "I feel okay and therefore the questions above are of less importance now" ?

Our minds operate at many levels, some apparent to us and others not... that is why we can lose something and then instantly remember where it is later... that doesn't happen because we stop thinking about it but, because our mind is working on it at other levels while we go about other things... Many times our answers are already there... but, we have to give ourself the time and space to find them... perhaps without worrying about them, or what the answers might mean...as much as we do sometimes...

Wishing you peace, warmth and clarity as you seek your answers... they are worth your time to find.

Hugs!

A💕

This blog post may seem a little off topic but I need to get this out!

I am Canadian, and always will be! I am absolutely furious that President Trump wants to annex Canada! It's so ignorant for him to say this.

Not only am I dealing with my own mental health and gender issues but now I have to deal with this maniac wanting to take away my country, my freedom, free health care, $10/day daycare, free dental care for seniors and children at a certain income level. We are also looking at bringing in a universal pharamcare program for all Canadians. I'm just at a complete loss about what to do about this.

I'm sorry! But this is absolutely terrifying to think that someone would want to take my freedom!

My grandparents were war refugees from Poland and lost their country and homeland. I just never thought that there would be a possibility that this could happen to me. There has been a lot of talk in Canada about what to do if this does happen. For my family and I, if this does happen we would leave Canada and become refugees.

On another note. Thank you all for kind words and advice. I have been reminding myself that this is a process.

I seriously doubt this will happen, but who knows?

Plenty of Canadians seem uninterested in joining the U.S. as a state. If they wanted to become U.S. citizens, they would move south.

I have trained with Canadian military members; they are some of the finest in the world, no exaggeration. So a military takeover is equally unlikely.

Relax and focus on the here and now. We will see what Trump is up to over the next couple of years.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 24, 2025, 10:01:35 AMI seriously doubt this will happen, but who knows?

Plenty of Canadians seem uninterested in joining the U.S. as a state. If they wanted to become U.S. citizens, they would move south.

I have trained with Canadian military members; they are some of the finest in the world, no exaggeration. So a military takeover is equally unlikely.

Relax and focus on the here and now. We will see what Trump is up to over the next couple of years.

Yes! Thank you! I was a  Lieutenant (lef-tenant...lol) in the Canadian military. I like to call it a previous life time...lol

Quote from: treeseeds on January 24, 2025, 03:46:12 PMYes! Thank you! I was a  Lieutenant (lef-tenant...lol) in the Canadian military. I like to call it a previous life time...lol

We might have trained together in Germany! Small world.  :laugh:

Around and around she goes and where she stops nobody knows! ;D

It's a Saturday morning and like any other Saturday morning I am sitting here with my kidlets watching Saturday morning cartoons, and I just goofing around on the internet and listening to music! It's winter and there's a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. The evergreen trees have this beautiful layer of snow on their branches that has that distinct contrast between the green and white. When the sun shows up it will be very bright out! I love the freshness and beauty these mornings bring.  :D

While my kids are watch their cartoons I am doing some research into the causes of dysphoria. ADHD can be a gift at times, I can become very hyper focused and spend hours researching a topic and learn everything I can about it. This is one of those moments.

Some things that I have learned so far
-gender dysphoria can start in utero
-all people who have gender dysphoria can experience it differently
-some people who have dysphoria don't transition but find ways of dealing with it that works for them. Some are the opposite and need to transition
-working with a therapist that you trust is very very very important
-seeing a medical professional who has a specialty in this is of the upmost importance
-some research that I am reading states that their could be brain differences, but I am not comfortable in stating what those are as I can't objectively state what the research is
-there's a difference between early-onset dysphoria, and late-onset dysphoria. I match the late-onset dramatically
-I am reading about how some people experience gender dysphoria coming and going, very interesting as this is what I experience

For some reason, that I don't know why, the term "transition" or "transitioning" doesn't work for me. This is isn't to say that people who use the term are wrong. These are just my thoughts on the terminology.

I think I might like the word "becoming", or maybe even "evolution". I don't know...lol I will continue to use the term transition and transitioning until I can find that works for me. :D

One of my favorite quotes:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place".

 ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 25, 2025, 09:31:27 AMOne of my favorite quotes:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place".

 ;D

That could be true.  It depends on one's outlook I suppose.
There is a lot of learning and experiencing to become what you want also.

For the last few days I have been focusing on practicing equinimity. Emotions and thoughts will enter my mind. I focus on acknowledging that they are there. Sometimes they tell me the truth, other times they will tell me utter lies! With both of those I simply let them pass

Doing this is helping me remain calm. It also allows me to focus on what is important, do the work I need to do, and let's my mind do the work that it needs to do.

It is good to try to have a calm disposition.  Try to relax some too.

Last night and this morning I have had very little gender dysphoria creep up! I have been using my mindfulness practice, and doing my best to practice equanimity. In the back of mind I do have thoughts and little whispers of "you know you have gender dysphoria", when that does happen I just acknowledge the thoughts and let them pass. Yesterday, and so far today, I tell myself that I have something called gender dysphoria but I feel that "transitioning to female" isn't right for me. However, whispers of "you know you are just going to have thoughts of transitioning again!".

During the evening yesterday I asked myself if I would regret not transitioning in my 80's, and the answer is honestly that yes I would regret not transitioning. When this thought happened I couldn't help but laugh at myself because I will either switch from "transitioning isn't right for me" and "If I don't I will regret not doing it when I am older". I haven't made a decision what I am going to do, I am simply practicing equanimity to explore my mind and thoughts. These are thoughts that I have, and it is what it is.

Growing up I had very strong male role models. I am very thankful to those men who helped me. I can't help but think that if I didn't have those male role models who would I be? I was watching a show yesterday that had a very strong male protagonist. This character is very similar to the men that I looked up to growing up. I did have thoughts of "I want to be like this guy!" and "There's that dysphoria again at the back of my mind!" The later thought was going along with the wanting to be like that protagonist. You can imagine that this was very confusing for me, but I didn't get upset about it. I reminded myself of my mindfulness practice.

Two thoughts to compare and what do they mean?
-wanting to be like the strong male protagonist that I saw in the show
                                vs
-wanting to have the body of a woman

Yes, what does this mean?

Tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist, I am super looking forward to it! I am also seeing the gender specialist tomorrow. I will admit that when I have thoughts of not being gender dysphoric I will say to myself "I should just cancel my appointment with the doctor." I will not cancel the appointment with the doctor, seeing them is something that I need to do to get help!

A couple of thoughts on what you wrote:

Societal expectations have a tendency to gaslight us into wanting and doing things that are not to our advantage. Have you explored the idea that your lounging for being like that strong male protagonist could be rooted in your desire to comply with societal expectations?

What are you admiring in that strong male protagonist? His maleness or the strength of his character? Would you admire an equally strong female protagonist in the same way or even more?

Societal expectations dictate that a person born with male sex does not want the body of a woman. Yet you do desire so. What does that tell you?

I guess you have a lot to mull over and it is certainly a good idea to talk to a gender specialist.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

I like that you are exploring your thoughts and waiting to see where they lead.

Since there is no pressure to make a decision now, there is also no pressure to do anything until you are certain what path is right for you. Right now, you are in the "gathering information" phase which is extremely important. Many experience this then decide that transitioning is not something they need. Try not to worry about if you might regret a decision decades in the future. Your focus on the here and now is the correct path.

Many of us wish that we had transitioned earlier in life. But in retrospect, that was not a possibility back then. Maybe it was finances, or living situation, or maybe we were just focused on life as we were experiencing it then. Knowing that we were living our lives the best we could under the circimstances means no regrets. As our situation changes, new opportunities come forward along with their own set of challenges.

Cross that bridge when you get to it.

Today I will be seeing the gender specialist for the first time. My understanding is that this is just an intake appointment. Yes, I am a little nervous. However, I have no reason to be nervous. I also be seeing my therapist tonight as well 😊

Yesterday and today have been really good for me! The only difference I can say that made a difference was using my mindfulness practice.

As for thoughts of gender dysphoria they have decreased.

Before I hop into the car I need to get some more windshield washer fluid. It's supposed to a high of 0c today, so there might be lots of dirt on the road. Next week though it's supposed to drop back down to -20c 😅 It's crazy weather that we are experiencing!

I hope everyone reading this has a really great day! 😊

I hope your appointment and day goes well!!! Enjoy the warm weather! Lol 😅

Hugs!

A💕

If you are comfortable doing so, let us know how it went.

Good luck!

My first appointment!

In my opinion it went really well! I did my best to objectively answer questions and state facts. Yes, there were some tears shed by yours truly. The doctor gave me information on what HRT is and it's effects and side effects. This doctor asked me some really good questions!

I feel really good that I am finally getting some answers to what is going on with me. However, I will admit that I am impatient and want them all now....lol 😆 It does feel good to get some forward momentum.

How am I feeling right now?
-sad. That is the first thought that comes to me, inwardly I was hoping that I would have an answer after my first appointment. Not from the doctor. But an answer from inside of me. It's been 40+years and I want answers, darn it! 🤣
-relief. I am moving forward with whatever I decide to do.
-fear. That at some point I will make a decision and it will be the wrong one either way.

I would say that I am 50/50 on wether or not to transition. This is how I feel right now at this moment. This could change, and I am okay with that.

When I first started, I wanted answers too. I asked my psychologist if there was some test I could take that would tell me if I am transgender or not. He said there is.

Start the HRT for only 30 days. That gives your body time to adjust. If you feel like something is off, something is not right, moody, depressed, or even suicidal thoughts, stop immediately. That is a sign that your mind is telling you this is the wrong answer.

I did the HRT for 30 days and I felt great! At my checkup, the doctor said I could go for 90 days, then we would check in again. After that, I knew I was on the right path. I wanted to renew for another 90 days, but he warned me that six months on HRT and changes becoming permanent, so be certain. I was certain without the slightest doubt. That was five years ago.

So my advice is to take it slow. Really think about what you want to happen. What results you want. Then test the HRT for 30 days and see how it goes. Your mind knows what your body should be like. When they don't match, that is what dysphoria is. When I started the HRT, my mind recognized that these are the hormones my body has been lacking, so I felt good about continuing.

If you don't feel good, that is a sign that maybe something else is going on. It is worth exploring to know which path is yours. If hormones are not working for you, that is okay. Just keep exploring until you find that path that tells you, "THIS IS IT!!!"

Life is confusing. That is all.

Quote from: davina61 on January 09, 2025, 03:23:47 AMI went shopping fearing the worst and nobody noticed.

I don't have the courage yet to do that 🤷�♀️🤷�♀️