Am I doing this blog thingy right?😅

Anywho-I figured this would be a good place to put down my thoughts and ideas.

Thoughts of treeseeds
When do I feel gender dysphoria
-seeing a beautiful woman
-when thoughts of wishing I had the body of a woman happen
-when I see womens' clothing I want to wear
-when I see a cute guy (I think I'm bisexual). This is the first time I have ever acknowledged this.
-when I want to be treated like a woman


When don't I feel gender dysphoria
-when I wake up in the morning
-when someone gets angry with me
-when life in general becomes difficult

What thoughts and ideas come up in general
-I have a fear of losing everything
-being alone
-being an unattractive woman

What thoughts and ideas excite me
-the thoughts of growing breasts. I get tingly when I think about this
-the possibility of being the woman in a relationship with a man. Helllooo-bisexual
-being attractive
-men finding me attractive
-being beautiful
-people accepting me

These are just thoughts. This is an ultra-marathon not a sprint; am I right? 🤣

This is a great start for your blog!

It serves as your home here and gives you space to record your journey, as well as allowing your followers to read your latest updates. By having a record of your journey, others can see how things started for you, and then follow along to see how you handled those situations. We all learn from the stories of others. Additionally, years from now, you can look back here and see where you started. That is a big help when you feel stuck, and then realize how far you have come!

How much or how little you share is totally up to you. Safety First! This is the internet and anyone can read this. Just be careful not to share anything that you do not want to be made public. I look forward to following your journey!

Welcome To Blog-ville Treeseeds!

Lots of folks here have struggled with GD that comes and goes or "I have it at these times and not at others" ... in the end, it comes down more to... does what I feel mean changes need to be made to my life and if so... what changes? 🌻

A therapist can be helpful in exploring options... what it takes to deal with GD is different for all... for some, as little as wearing different underwear and leaving the rest of their life intact can be a fix... others go for full social and medical transition but there are infinite choices between those points... the fun is setting off on the adventure of finding what you truly want and need to make it a life that serves you well..🌻

Approach it all with hope that you'll find what you need and a spirit of adventure! I hear you on the guy thing... I went on my first dates with men early in my transition after a lifetime of relationships with women... My husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year!

May all your explorations be happy and blessed!

Onward!!!

Ashley 💕

Let 'er rip, honey. Welcome to blogspace. <3

Yesterday, last night, and this morning

Last night
While I was lying in bed I came up with a mantra. It is I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I CAN DO THIS!

Yesterday was a good day overall! It all went by in a blur and there isn't much to say. However, last night I was lying in bed and it occurred to me that I wasn't feeling at all dysphoric. Feeling this I decided to objectively look at the evidence as to why this could be;
-I was cross dressing during the day by wearing woman's underwear
-I allowed myself to feel whatever emotions I felt and just let them be
-when I looked at myself in the mirror what I saw in my mind didn't match what I saw in the mirror
-I did some self-care. Flossed my teeth, took the dog for a walk, laughed, ate healthy, drank more water then usual
-I reminded myself that this is an ultra-marathon not a sprint
-washed my face and moisturized!...lol

This morning and Today
-woke up thanking myself that I never transitioned, and that I don't want to
-I am allowing myself to sit with my thoughts in a non-judgmental way. Yes, when I look in the mirror it doesn't match what I see in mind
-I went and bought some skin care products to start taking better care of my face
-had a healthy breakfast
-washed my face and moisturized
-I am experimenting with crossdressing to see how I feel. So far I am feeling very feminine. I will say this though that when I pass a mirror what I see in the mirror doesn't match what I see in my mind.
-when I was at the store buying some products for my face the woman helping me was very beautiful, I felt very jealous of her.

At this moment
-I sit here typing on my laptop looking at my body and feeling a disconnect with what I am seeing. I am not judging this feeling, just acknowledging that it is there and saying a friendly "Hello there!"
-the anger and fear knowing that when I wake up in the morning I will be back to thinking that I am thankful that I never transitioned, and don't want to, and knowing that soon this thought will be replaced by another.

Objective observations and thoughts
-when I look at other people who have transitioned from male to female I get jealous
-it occurred to me recently that no matter what happens I will also be a parent to my children.

When it comes to this stuff, there is never a shortage of worrying, questioning, evaluating, vacillation, option weighing, attempts at clairvoyance, fear management,  moments of absolute clarity and moments of frustration with the the whole thing but,...somewhere amongst all of that, the answers to your questions reside and those answers will be worth all the efforts needed to seek them out...

Happy Hunting..

A 💕

I am just out running some errands and listening to some really good music in the car. There was an amazing sunset! The colours were amazing!

This makes me think that no matter what;
-sunsets and sunrises will look the same.
-the rain falling on my face will feel the same.
-music will sound the same.
-nature will look and smell the same.

EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME!

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND I CAN DO THIS!
-

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I spent a good part of the day crying and being angry.

I have no objective reason as to why this could be. Subjectively I can say that I can say that I dislike having to go through what I am going through. Interestingly enough what decreases this feeling is telling myself "Who in their right mind would want, or choose to go through something like this?"

Today is better! I guess this is just evidence that I will have my good days and bad days.

Living with ADHD
I have been dealing with ADHD symptoms for my whole life. One of the symptoms of this is that I find it difficult to stick with hobbies, and I will often go down rabbit holes. I think it is important for me to acknowledge here that this could be another rabbit whole of mine. For me I will get obsessed with something from 2 weeks to a couple of months. It is exhausting because I know when I go down a rabbit hole I will be 100% committed but know in the back of my mind that this will eventually end and I will move onto something else, or back to my baseline. When the rabbit hole ends I will be sooooo tired that all I want to do is sleep! This is the 4th (maybe more) rabbit hole of questioning my gender that I have gone down. However, my whole life I have always wanted the body of a woman; and I have always been jealous of people who are born female, or jealous of people who have fully transitioned. I don't know yet what this means for me.

I have been think of doing something that I haven't done in over a decade. Previously, when I lived in a different city I lived part-time as a woman. Men were flirting with me, and it was exhilarating! So, my plan is to try this again. For this I will go to the city next to me which is about 3 hours away get my makeup done professionally and go out and about to see how I feel.

Pro Tip about going out in public for the first time (THIS IS STRICTLY BASED UPON MY EXPERIENCE AND OPINION)
If someone is thinking about going out in public for the first time as a different gender and is reading this it is safer to do it where there is lots of people around. The reason why it is safer that if anything does happen there will be people around to help you, and it will be easier to get help if you need it. When I did this before nothing ever did happen to me, but I felt safer with other people around even if they were complete strangers.

All the best on your gender safari! Enjoy! 😀👍

I think that many members here did this as well. It started as weekends, or maybe a vacation, and business trips away from home. The more they did this and felt ok with it, the more they tried to incorporate "Me" time doing just that. Eventually, they realized that this was what they wanted, and if they were able to, chose a time to come out officially.

You are still early in your journey, so definitely take time to explore SAFELY. Explore what works and what doesn't. It is all part of the grand discovery of who you really are. Getting in touch with that is priceless.

I went shopping fearing the worst and nobody noticed.

It is a Sunday, and it feels like -24c outside. For here it could be a lot colder. I actually like the cold. And my favourite times of the year is the changing of one season to the next! I love the colours of autumn, I love the crispness of the cold and everything to do with the holiday season (smells, colours, the food, the cheesy holiday movies...lol), the renewal of spring, and chance to do some fun outdoor activities in the summer. This makes think of how we change throughout our lives. "The season of change" is a saying that I have heard before.

These last few days have been good for me! It has been a time of reflection and thought.

Some thoughts I have been having are;
-yes, I have gender dysphoria but maybe I am not trans? Could there be a way to lessen the symptoms without transitioning? Things like cross dressing, and doing things that are "feminine".
-I don't want to loose my family, wife, friends, and children. My life is on a good trajectory and I don't want to loose that. I have a career with full benefits, and a pension that once I start collecting it, it won't run our or end. I know I am very lucky.
-one moment I don't want to transition to female, the next it feels like I am on this trajectory and it is going to happen. But then it occurs to me that no decisions need to be made now and I need to take my time to reflect and think about what I want and need.
-I am jelious of the female body, and it feels like I am missing out by not having one. I am also jelious of people what have been able to transition. This next sentence I would like to state as objectively as possible and it is not to pass judgment on others; I cannot fathom why someone would want to transition from female to male. I do not say this to be derogatory towards our brothers who have also been on this journey this is just an objective observation on my thoughts.

Experiences. Objective observations
-when I do things to express my feminine side I have noticed the symptoms of dysphoria lessen. I then think "Yes! This could be the answer! Perhaps all I need to do is maybe cross dress, and other things." However, thinking this makes me feel sad and frustrated because it feels like it isn't enough.
-anger and frustration about going through this. It feels like this is a path that will never end for me because I don't have the courage to do something about it.
-researching ways to make myself passable when I go out in public like I did before.
-when I look at myself in the mirror while I am doing things to lessen the symptoms of dysphoria what I see in the mirror doesn't match what I see in my mind.
-I have been sitting with the feelings of anger and frustration, and sadness. I am doing my best to just allow these thoughts to come and go.

I had a good session with my therapist! However, it feels like due to my own process, frustration, and questioning I might be making her frustrated. But I know I am so lucky to have my therapist! She is such a cool person and I am thankful that I reached out to her! 

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMSome thoughts I have been having are;
-yes, I have gender dysphoria but maybe I am not trans?

Impossible. By definition, if you have gender dysphoria then you are transgender. However, some transgender people do not have gender dysphoria. The meaning of DYSPHORIA is a state of feeling very unhappy, uneasy, or dissatisfied. Some transgender people are happy and satisfied with their lives, whether they transitioned or not. Each individual is different.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMCould there be a way to lessen the symptoms without transitioning? Things like cross dressing, and doing things that are "feminine".

Yes, absolutely. There is no requirement for anyone to do anything. Some people are afraid of the same risks that you mention, and decide that transition is not for them. Some just postpone their transition because maybe they want to wait until their children are grown, or the situation is more stable. The key is to do whatever works for you.

In my own experience, my family members mostly have been openly unsupportive. I am 67 years old and have no time for negativity in my life. I have accepted who I am and if they cannot, that is their problem, not mine. I have offered to try to help them understand, but they are not interested and I do not communicate with them. I am a happier person without all the negativity and they are happy to not be confronted by someone who challenges what they think they know about transgender people.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 12, 2025, 09:26:34 AMI would like to state as objectively as possible and it is not to pass judgment on others; I cannot fathom why someone would want to transition from female to male. I do not say this to be derogatory towards our brothers who have also been on this journey this is just an objective observation on my thoughts.

I understand that you intend no malice in this statement. You are thinking along the lines that you do not want to be male, so why would anyone else? Now, think about that. Some people were born with female characteristics that they hate as much as you hate your maleness.

If we stop thinking about gender as male and female, masculine and feminine, but more like colors of the rainbow. Some people born in the red light might wish they had been born in the green light. They prefer the look and feel of green light over red. Some born in violet light might wish they were more yellow, and so on. It is all about your mental image of yourself. Deep within your mind, you have an image of yourself. For most people, it is the same image that they see in the mirror. For us, the image is different somehow. Ignore the male/female aspect. The image is different.

We cannot change our mental image of ourselves. We can accept the differences, or work to make changes to alleviate those differences. Each person decides for themselves what is acceptable, even if it is not perfection.

 

Well...well...well...

Here we are at another day of the earth spinning around in space. I'm not to sure what to write about today. I'm feeling pretty good this day! I do have some anxiety over work, but I think that is nothing out of the ordinary for anyone.

This makes me think that no matter how one lives their lives, and no matter how they present themselves you will always face the same stresses.

Some questions
1)Will transitioning to female solve all of my problems?
-no, it will not! Only working on myself and doing what I need to do to be a productive member of society, and a positive influence on my family and community will do this. This leads me to another question; can I do these things while presenting as a woman? Yes! I can! I truly believe that the core of me and who I am won't change, I will still be the same me. The outside will look a lot different! I am worried about losing myself, if I am being completely honest.

2)Will I find love?
-my wife is beautiful! And every day she looks more and more beautiful to me! I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose my family. However, I know that she needs to do what makes her happy. And if I do go through with a transition and she can't be with me it will be difficult but eventually I will need to find a way through this. If I end up alone will anyone ever love me again like my wife loves me? I have no insight to the answer of this question.

3)Will the feelings of dysphoria decrease if I transition?
-I truly hope the answer is yes. What if it doesn't though? What if there is something else that is missing? I guess I won't know the answer to this question unless I transition.

4)Can I live my life without transitioning and just finding ways to live how I am?
-yes and no. Yes, in the way that I have done it for decades now. No, because it is exhausting to be in this constant revolving door of gender questioning, which then leads to depression and anxiety. I am tired of constantly finding myself at the same spot of trying to answer this question. The answer to this question has been "I don't know" forever. This is getting tiring.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 13, 2025, 10:14:22 AM-my wife is beautiful! And every day she looks more and more beautiful to me! I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose my family.

Keep in mind that this is a very slow and gradual process. It isn't like going to the "body shop" and coming home looking totally different and shocking everyone. The process is gradual, and the people who see you every day may not even notice subtle changes. That gives her the chance to adapt to your new appearance slowly. Your job in this part is to continue to show her that you are the same person, only better. I think she might enjoy a happier you.

Others who do not see you often, like family members who visit a few times a year, will likely be the first to notice any physical changes. But that is down the road a ways. It takes months after starting HRT for those changes to BEGIN to happen. Again, it is a very slow process so it will take time before anyone notices a difference physically. But it is still the same you, hopefully, a happier version.

A few answers from my point of view...

#1) transition does not solve all problems of course... it is a bit of trading one set of problems for another set but, it does address problems that have often plagued us for a lifetime and provides us a foundation to begin building the life we want... in truth... you might not be losing yourself at all but, rather... finding yourself!🌻

#2) I had the thought early in my transition that although I was pursuing the correct path, it would likely be a lonely path... I could not have been more wrong... as we present our true self to others we create deeper bonds than we ever could before... I also flipped the script as they say... after a lifetime of relationships with women... I am happily married to a man... if a psychic had predicted this before I began transition, I would have told them to get off the drugs and give me my money back 😅

#3) Most folks, as a rule, feel far less GD from my observations after they begin finding and expressing their true self but, everyone is different... We do not indeed know what lies behind doors until we open them and step through... but, whatever we find there can still be viewed and shaped by our perspectives and choices... ❤️

#4) Your world belongs to you and I offer you wishes of clarity as you seek the answers that will best serve you... in truth there is no right and wrong path here... just different ones... find the one that best resonates with what you truly need to make your life the experience you need most. 🙏

Onward,

Ashley 💕

It's a beautiful cold day here and the sky is a blue bird colour!

My morning was good! I have made the observation that the less I am worked up about gender dysphoria when I go to bed the less I am conflicted when I wake up in the morning!

Riding the waves of emotion I have heard is a lot like learning how to surf. You can either hang 10, or you can not even learn how to balance on the waves.

Things seems very much like they are on a knife edge. In a good way! It's difficult to describe. Emotionally I feel present in the moment, and I feel much more accepting of myself and what I am going through. Last night I told a friend that no matter where this journey leads me it is my body, and my mind and no one can dictate to me what I can do with my body or how I should think. If I am being honest it makes me angry to think that there are people out there who think that they can dictate this to others.

I am having the experience of my body feeling like it should look like a woman's body. However, when I look in the mirror what I see does not match what I see in my mind.

One experience I had was when I was looking at my legs. It felt like they don't look right. They looked wrong. It was like looking at someone else's legs and being shocked when they didn't look like mine.

Sometimes I think about how my life experiences don't seem to match up with how they should have been.

Quote from: treeseeds on January 05, 2025, 04:50:04 PMThis is an ultra-marathon not a sprint; am I right? 🤣

I like this analogy, I liken it to life long journey.

A trip around the world perhaps.  It is for a long time.

Well, it's a Wednesday! This isn't a typical Wednesday for me. There's been an illness going around and I have been having to stay home because of it. I guess the good thing about this is that I am able to do some self reflection and have some peace and quiet! I relish these moments because they are far and in between.

The last two mornings have been better for me. This could be because I have been working on not stressing myself out over my gender dysphoria. When thoughts bubble up in my mind I have been working on just letting them go. Mindfulness and meditation used to play a huge role in my life, and I have been working on getting back there.

I kind of miss the old me. However, at the same time I don't really know who the real me is. Confusing, I know. At this time I consider myself lucky that I am able to do this work. There's a few things that I think I should acknowledge;

1)My work place and co-workers are very LGBTQ2S+ friendly! During the last pride event in our area they had pride t-shirts made up for all employees (almost everyone wore them, and this is 150+ employees!), buttons that said "you are safe with me", posters for people to put up that promoted inclusiveness. They also have a committee for the LGBTQ2S+ that does meet to organize and plan.

2)My wife still says she loves me. I am not going to lie and say everything is perfect. We both have our moments of frustration and emotional intensity. She has requested that I not discuss anything with her until I have more information. We still talk about the future and hopes and dreams. I love her and she is beautiful.

3)I have been able to get help very quickly! I will be seeing the specialist at the end of the month, and wifey is aware of this.

I have always believed that we are in continuous motion of discovering who we are and it never really stops.

I am going to work on sitting with these thoughts and emotions, and to not force anything.