Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've only been a guest inside Susan's Place for a week and I've already said so many stupid things and asked a thousand stupid questions. For that, I apologize. I am, after all, your guest. I'm not trans. Not yet. I'm scared and confused. Within the week, I have changed my pronouns from he/him to he/her. I have butted into topics I knew nothing about, asked questions I shouldn't have asked. The silence broke my eardrums. But I will try again. I dream I am a woman. When I awaken, I am disappointed to realize it was only a dream. I wear women's clothes; I consciously move and talk like my imagining of a woman. But it is a role. A character crafted from the memory of my dreams. I am considering HRT. And my question is this: if I embark on this journey, will I feel like the woman in my dreams while I am awake?

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 30, 2025, 07:41:03 PMAnd my question is this: if I embark on this journey, will I feel like the woman in my dreams while I am awake?

It may not be exactly the same. For everyone, the journey is different. The best thing to do is to discuss this with a therapist with experience in gender identities. Maybe you are trans, maybe not. A therapist can help you reach that decision and then help you figure out the next steps.

HRT is not a cure-all. When I started five years ago, I felt so much better. But there are other things I need to do to get to a point where I can be satisfied. Even then, there may be something else I need to do.

Everyone is different and some decide to not transition or to go for HRT and nothing more. Some need surgery, some want voice training or surgery. Transition is a long and slow process. The goal is to get to a point where you feel like your true self. Not the person you dream about, but the person deep inside you that you know is the real you.

Even a therapist can't answer these questions, but they know how to guide you so that you can find the answers yourself. Because, in the end, it is your life to live and your decision how you want to live it.

I hope this helps.

PS.

The only stupid question is the one you didn't ask. Answering questions as best we can is why we are here.  :)

Thanks, Lori,
I found great comfort in your words. My therapist has considerable LBTQ+ experience and is empathetic and supportive. She's also the only one VA has available within my service area. I woke up this morning feeling comfortable with he/her so I will do more research, more listening, and less talking. You're right: I would rather become the most authentic me than the idealized woman I dream about. The two have so much in common but considering moving from he/him to she/her in the space of a few weeks did cause a bit of angst. I will embrace he/her until I know with certainty it's time to take another major step. One giant leap a week seems quite enough. Thanks again.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 30, 2025, 07:41:03 PMI've only been a guest inside Susan's Place for a week and I've already said so many stupid things and asked a thousand stupid questions. For that, I apologize. I am, after all, your guest. I'm not trans. Not yet. I'm scared and confused. Within the week, I have changed my pronouns from he/him to he/her. I have butted into topics I knew nothing about, asked questions I shouldn't have asked. The silence broke my eardrums. But I will try again. I dream I am a woman. When I awaken, I am disappointed to realize it was only a dream. I wear women's clothes; I consciously move and talk like my imagining of a woman. But it is a role. A character crafted from the memory of my dreams. I am considering HRT. And my question is this: if I embark on this journey, will I feel like the woman in my dreams while I am awake?

@Mrs Oliphant

Kudos... You have taken on the role of bold explorer within your own life... With all life's distractions, self exploration can be a last frontier of sorts for almost everyone really... We can live large segments of our lifetime living in a way that just kind of works, serving the immediate needs of that period of our life but, in the end, not serving to bring us any closer to answers to important lifetime questions... Who Am I Truly? ... How Do I Need To Go About My Life So That It Becomes The Foundation To Build The Experiences I Want And Better Connect Me To Myself... To Others... To Life... To The World and ...To Love... 💕

The path to to those answers is as unique as each of us... Do not let the search for those answers become a source of worry because the search itself is every bit as glorious as anything we might view as our destination. 🌺

HRT may help fuel your journey if you choose... Many of us find we feel like we are finally burning the correct fuel in our life's engine... For myself, I felt that I was seeing the world .. and myself through new eyes ... the way I processed and felt emotion changed... I felt things more deeply which to me, felt like the manner in which they should be felt ... The whole experience was like I had always watched life on a black and white TV ... and now I was living life in full color! 🤗 ... Or perhaps like living somewhere without much change between the seasons and then moving somewhere where you can witness warm summers, vibrant springs, the melancholy beauty of fall and a bit of winter chill that can carry its own special charms! 🤗  Everyone feels HRT a bit differently... you may choose to try it but, choosing not to will, in no way, deny you access to what you seek🌻

At the end of the day, I believe the answers are far more simple than we often allow ourself to see... The connections to all of life's aspects that I listed above are discovered by simply going out the door each day and being yourself... Even, if you don't yet fully know who that is... We truly find ourself and our place in the world amongst others... Learn well that there is strength in vulnerability... As we open ourself to others... and express what is within us... We unearth what has been buried for far to long... As we find what is true... Accept and Love what we find... We find ourself in a glorious place indeed!  You will then know the answer to your question... Perhaps you will feel like the woman in your dreams... Most assuredly, you will feel like you!!!
and in that...there is great peace...🌞

I often quote a stanza from "Song Of The Open Road" by Walt Whitman around here because it is timelessly fitting to the journey of self discovery... It speaks to finding yourself, your place in the world and your place amongst others as you mix it up with life... with an open heart... like an empty vessel waiting for the best of what you find to fill it... As you give yourself to the world... The world gives itself to you... 🌻

I know you saw the verse I quote in Ashley's Corner so today, I will offer some more of it in the form of a Volvo car commercial which uses enough of it to convey a kernel of the things I speak of.  🌺

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42ZMi0DnMtE

All that you seek is within your grasp Mrs Oliphant! Enjoy the journey and feel the power contained within each step! 🌻

Onward We Go Brave Traveler!

Ashley 💕

Great advice and well said. Thanks, Ash!  :-*

Thanks so much, Ashley--I'm blessed to have people like you and Lori in my life. People I never knew existed until a few days ago when I finally decided to reach out and would not take 'access denied' as an answer. The thing I love most about the woman I dream I am is she's happy. I can't see her face because I really feel like I'm her, and we're happy. I get glimpses of that place in this place. Susan's Place. I will definitely check out 'Open Road' on YouTube on tv (the acoustics on my little laptop suck). I will take your advice (and Lori's) and allow myself to be me and enjoy the journey. It helps so much knowing it's an open road I no longer walk alone.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 31, 2025, 05:11:15 PMThanks so much, Ashley--I'm blessed to have people like you and Lori in my life. People I never knew existed until a few days ago when I finally decided to reach out and would not take 'access denied' as an answer. The thing I love most about the woman I dream I am is she's happy. I can't see her face because I really feel like I'm her, and we're happy. I get glimpses of that place in this place. Susan's Place. I will definitely check out 'Open Road' on YouTube on tv (the acoustics on my little laptop suck). I will take your advice (and Lori's) and allow myself to be me and enjoy the journey. It helps so much knowing it's an open road I no longer walk alone.

@Mrs Oliphant

This path is one best traveled with friends at your side and you are amongst friends here!...All shall be well! 🌻

Onward!

A💕

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 30, 2025, 07:41:03 PMAnd my question is this: if I embark on this journey, will I feel like the woman in my dreams while I am awake?

There's another way of looking at this, which is, 'What's the optimal route I can travel to help me understand what's the best possible destination for me?' That usually means therapy.

Therapy is at its most powerful when we use it to understand what it is within us that makes us want to travel in a direction, rather than for pinpointing an exact destination. That's because as we come to understand ourselves better, which is key to dealing with repressed issues core to our personality, so does our understanding of the circumstances in which we will be most content change.

This sounds like a chicken and egg situation, but it's not, because it's only when you are happy with being yourself you will be able to answer the question you've put here.

Our sense of self is the one part of us we can never change, but it can be tough to see the essence of that 'self' is when we're fighting against layers of masculine conditioning (it's called scripting) we don't get on with, or feminine scripting if we're travelling the other way.

What you've had is a glimpse of the essence of your 'self', though barely visible through the fog of scripting and so more easily accessed in dreams. But you've focused on it just enough to know it's there which is a massive, massive step, so don't underestimate the achievement. One way of looking at this is your innate sense of self has a feminine flavour but you've been brought up all your life with it buried under a lake of masculine sauce, a lake so deep it's impossible not to think of yourself without the masculine taste interfering.

Another metaphor to illuminate your question is think of this being like a journey through the uncharted forests of your mind, toward a treasure chest you know exists, but of whose location you are unsure and of whose contents you only have a vague idea. Only once you accept the need to make the journey, which you've done, will the path you personally need to take become clear. There'll be a nagging voice in your ear saying, 'Go back to what's safe!' but once you are confident you need to explore, not only will that voice fade, but so will the path become clearer with every step. Setting out on the journey will lead to the answers revealing themselves.

A good therapist can transform the journey by helping you see past the scripting and helping remove the taste of the sauce, if you like. And asking stupid questions here is traditional, we've all done it and continue to do so :-)

What you've had is a glimpse of the essence of your 'self', though barely visible through the fog of scripting and so more easily accessed in dreams. But you've focused on it just enough to know it's there which is a massive, massive step, so don't underestimate the achievement. One way of looking at this is your innate sense of self has a feminine flavour but you've been brought up all your life with it buried under a lake of masculine sauce, a lake so deep it's impossible not to think of yourself without the masculine taste interfering.
Thanks so much TanyaG! And even more gratitude for your response in the 'normal' topic. I'm in the 'take a deep breath' stage of sauce eating. As much as I prefer the female, I can't deny the male sauce I've been served my entire life. So, I'll take another deep breath.

I apologize for the way I botched TanyaG's quote! It was my first attempt at using the tool. I intended to also quote Ashley but it's probably best if I just reference her in this reply: The Open Road is a beautiful poem and quite apropos to where I'm at. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 01, 2025, 11:37:46 AMI apologize for the way I botched TanyaG's quote! It was my first attempt at using the tool. I intended to also quote Ashley but it's probably best if I just reference her in this reply: The Open Road is a beautiful poem and quite apropos to where I'm at. Thanks for sharing it with me.

So glad you liked it Mrs Oliphant! The entire poem is much longer... most of the readings on YouTube are around the 18 minute mark. I love it all but usually just focus on a couple stanzas the most!

Onward We Go!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 01, 2025, 11:19:35 AMAs much as I prefer the female, I can't deny the male sauce I've been served my entire life. So, I'll take another deep breath.

I think everyone takes a while getting used to how quoting works here, me included! No need for apology, if we get bogged down in how IT etiquette, we're lost before we set out :-)

I find it helpful to think of gender as a separate entity to sex. The two are often conflated and some (even professionals) equate them, but if you split 'em apart as an exercise it makes it easier to understand some of what's going on in our heads. Splitting them also makes it easier to understand non-binary and why some are find their sweet spot without going down the reassignment route, or traveling only part way down it.

In these terms, gender is a purely social construct and de Beauvoir's quote, 'One is not born, but rather becomes a woman' can be applied to becoming a man as well. We aren't gendered (in the sense we're using here) at the time we're born, but instead are brought up to internalise all the thought processes, assumptions and behaviours society expects of the sex they assign us at birth. For everyone here, that's where it went wrong and where the roots of many of our troubles lie.

So from the earliest moments most of us can recall, we've had either a masculine, or feminine gender baked into us, a binary system matched up to a binary of birth assigned sex. Based on an understanding of biological variability alone, I wouldn't expect this imposition of one binary on another to be a solution for all of humanity, as is the case with sexual preferences. Perhaps more so here, because masculinity and femininity are constructs whose values have varied over centuries and cultures.

Which is the long way of saying that for some people here, a mix of sauces will be their natural state and provide a more comfortable resting point than opting for a binary end point. For others, binary solutions will work better, partly because they provide more certainty. This is where therapy delivers best, because in theory at least, a therapist has no view on what the best solution is for their client and instead works to allow them to wash away the sauce and experience their own, unique flavour for the first time.

Thanks so much TanyaG. I admittedly struggle to separate gender from sexuality but can clearly discern the difference between gender and sex. Is it valid to state that gender and sexuality are separate but intrinsically linked with one another in the sense that how I choose to express one will affect the way I express the other? These are the kinds of 'authentic self' questions for which I'm seeking answers or, at the very least, understanding. I greatly appreciate the careful and insightful guidance you provide. I'm a good listener, but I'm struggling with what it is I should be listening to.

I guess it might help to see this exercise as a three way split?

First, there's 'sex' which I'm using here to mean 'sex assigned at birth' because otherwise we'll get lost in a maze of twisty little passages all exactly alike :-) Sex assigned at birth is binary, male or female, despite somewhere between a quarter and a half a percent of babies where it isn't easy to say, or where appearances can deceive.

Then, there's 'gender' which I'm using here to describe the mannerisms and behaviours we're brought up with, as in 'masculine' or 'feminine'. There's no reason why you can't bring up someone assigned male at birth to behave in a female gendered way or the other way around, but it's rarely done because we rely on gendered behaviour for clues about how we should behave toward someone. Masculinity and femininity exist to avoid confusion :-)

Finally, there's 'sexuality' which is shorthand for 'sexual preference'. The conservative (small 'c') view takes if for granted someone who is assigned male at birth will have masculine gendered behaviour and a sexual preference for people assigned female at birth (as in, they will be heterosexual).

As we know, 'sex' and 'sexuality' don't align like this in, at the very least, about 3% of men and 3% of women. I write 'at least' because the percentage is probably much larger than that, once you take account of people who are 'mostly straight'. In the same way neither do 'sex' and 'preferred gender' match in a percentage of us.

We're taught a simplified version of sex, gender and sexuality where all three are intrinsically linked, and we're taught it so well that even you and I have a tendency to assume they are linked, but there is nothing in nature to enforce those links. Sure, they mostly are linked, but in you and I, two of the three are not. In someone who is gay, a different pair aren't linked, while in some people here, there are no links at all.

Does this make sense? There are many ways of explaining it if it does not, but the key is in threre. It might help reading this post in my completely neglected blog here. (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249043.msg2282584.html#msg2282584)

I don't believe there are any definitive links at all.

In biological sex, there are males, females, and intersex people. In sexual preference, there are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual, (and others) people. This deals with physical attraction. Put simply, homosexual (same sex), heterosexual (opposite sex), Pan- or polysexual (all of the above), and asexual (none of the above).

As Tanya pointed out, society expects that these are linked, but the evidence shows this is false simply because all of these people exist.

Gender identity is all about how you view yourself along the spectrum of masculine to feminine and everything in between, or none of the above. It has nothing to do with biological sex or sexual preference. So you can have another very complex combination of any of these. For example, I am asexual and neither male nor female but identify as trans-feminine, that is not fully female but much closer to that than masculine.

As if this variety of possible combinations wasn't enough, you also can throw romantic preference into the mix. Romance is not the same as sex. So you could prefer romance with females but prefer sex with males, or any combination including none of the above.  ;D

My head is exploding thanks to TanyaG and Lori. Okay. My breathing has returned to normal after reading and re-reading your posts. Thanks and, TanyaG, your blog will soon not be completely neglected (I've perused Lori's and Lilis' and yours is next). I agree with everything you said and the complexity of the fabric that forms my sense of self and my behaviors. Sex, gender, sexuality, romantic friendship, platonic friendship ad infinitum are distinct but interconnected. Sex is not binary but not as fluid as gender or sexuality. However, the way I choose to express any one of these components will affect, in varying degrees, the other components (with sex being the most minimally affected and sexuality likely to be the most). Am I misreading anything?

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 02, 2025, 12:46:49 PMAm I misreading anything?

I think you got it!

There is another thread around here somewhere that was discussing changes after starting HRT. Some had no change, or were already in a committed relationship, while others found their interests had changed and they began exploring a whole new side of their sexuality!

So, yes, they do influence one another in some ways. But as you explore your true self, the question becomes, is this a new side of me? or have I just discovered the real me?  ;D

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 02, 2025, 12:46:49 PMHowever, the way I choose to express any one of these components will affect, in varying degrees, the other components (with sex being the most minimally affected and sexuality likely to be the most). Am I misreading anything?

That's more or less it, the strength of the linkage varies from person to person, being stronger in some of us that in others. But since we're all taught the components are linked and internalise those links as a given, it's extremely tough to understand the conflict we find ourselves in if one or more of them is not linked.

Perhaps 'aligned' is a better way of putting it than 'linked.' For a time, most people whose alignment isn't strong will try to force the links into alignment, often, for example, by overcompensating on the masculinity axis.

But there's a price for that in the medium to long term in the shape of increased dysphoria, because in say overcompensation, someone is doing the opposite of what their natural misalignment (if you want to call it that) is calling for.

Dysphoria is the expression of that conflict and it goes away when you allow your alignment to fall where it naturally would.

Accepting having a natural alignment that differs from the one we've had drilled into us as we grow up and lived for decades is the tough bit, but from the moment you can see and accept the shape of your natural alignment (whatever it may be) the easier it gets to live it.

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 02, 2025, 12:52:47 PMI think you got it!

There is another thread around here somewhere that was discussing changes after starting HRT. Some had no change, or were already in a committed relationship, while others found their interests had changed and they began exploring a whole new side of their sexuality!

So, yes, they do influence one another in some ways. But as you explore your true self, the question becomes, is this a new side of me? or have I just discovered the real me?  ;D

@Mrs Oliphant

I believe this may be the thread Lori is referring to above... I think there may be a post count requirement to access this section so if you can't yet... you will be able to soon! ( I think it is 50 posts? )

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246833.20.html

Things certainly changed quickly for me in my journey... from a lifetime of relationships with women to being attracted to men and marrying one to boot!

Onward!

A💕

Quote from: TanyaG on April 02, 2025, 11:18:33 AMThen, there's 'gender' which I'm using here to describe the mannerisms and behaviours we're brought up with, as in 'masculine' or 'feminine'. There's no reason why you can't bring up someone assigned male at birth to behave in a female gendered way or the other way around, but it's rarely done because we rely on gendered behaviour for clues about how we should behave toward someone. Masculinity and femininity exist to avoid confusion :-)

I have to point out that the above highlighted statement is incorrect and dangerous. We all have a gender identity and most of us have been brought up and taught mannerisms and behaviors inconsistent with our gender identity, which is the reason we are here on this site. While it is possible to bring somebody up on the wrong gender identity (at least for a while), it can cause psychological harm. Just look at the tragic case of David Reimer (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer).

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on April 02, 2025, 02:40:36 PMI have to point out that the above highlighted statement is incorrect and dangerous. We all have a gender identity and most of us have been brought up and taught mannerisms and behaviors inconsistent with our gender identity, which is the reason we are here on this site. While it is possible to bring somebody up on the wrong gender identity (at least for a while), it can cause psychological harm.

Your interpretation of that highlight was one I took great care expressly not to express. Nowhere in the comment you've picked out, nor anywhere else in this thread, nor in any other comment I have made on Susan's, have I ever supported the idea of bringing someone up in a gender they did not consent to being brought up in.

It is only because it is possible to bring up someone in a gender which is not congruent with the sex they are assigned at birth that it is possible for some lucky trans people to avoid the consequences that I and others here were left to deal with for our entire subsequent lives. As an example, we've had a member here who was bringing up her child who was assigned male at birth to be gendered female because that was what her child wished. They are in Russia and I hope they haven't been crushed by the system because I haven't seen a post from them in a while. Would you forbid that?

If it is the wish of a minor and their parents comply with it, it is as just to bring up someone assigned male at birth as a female as it to bring up someone assigned female at birth as a male if they wish it. I guess your misreading might be around the words, '...but it's rarely done,' but that's because a. trans people like us aren't common and b. because how many of us were brought up to be gendered in a way that was not congruent with the sex we were assigned at birth? This is the core of the problem most of us face.

That's what my statement meant and I cannot understand how it could be possibly misread in the way you have, because to do so is to imply I have written things I most definitely have not!

Ummm... I think there may have been a massive case of misunderstanding here. I'm kind of with Tanya here. She was very careful to state "assigned at birth" rather than any sort of identity. I kind of think what she said was... I mean, she's right. She isn't making any sort of commentary about anything other than stating that it's perfectly possible for someone to be in an environment where they learn things, and get shown and told things they later go on to either embrace, or wish to unlearn because it doesn't fit their self image and identity. It's kind of how we all grow up, unless you get raised in a jungle by chimps.

I don't think what she said was incorrect, or dangerous. It's just factual. And deliberately worded.

I'm not sure I would personally use Gender in those terms but she clearly stated the context so, fair enough. That's a whole separate thing, lol. It's easy to read into stuff sometimes and see things that the poster didn't intend, just by the nature of the internet. Happens all the time.

On the subject of the thread though... well... one thing... there are no stupid questions. :) Only the ones you don't ask. Someone much wiser than me said that, and they were right. :P

I am sure regarding your dreams you will find your own way, it is best to do what is right for you we each have or have had very different journeys, just be true to yourself and talk with your therapist, they will get to know you best.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 30, 2025, 07:41:03 PMAnd my question is this: if I embark on this journey, will I feel like the woman in my dreams while I am awake?

Maybe. That's about the closest I can say.

The thing about dreams is... they are free of the world. Free of physical restraints. It's kind of something that goes hand in hand with different therapies involving altered states of consciousness and trance states. During these periods, we are free to just be. And who we are is free of limitations. It's the playground of the Mind, and the Self. Imagery and emotion. Intuition and the deepest parts of ourselves.

Mrs. Oliphant... I know the kind of dreams you're referring to. I have them often. It's a re-writing of the world. It's your mind making things feel real. You don't dream about being trans. You are just you. And while it lasts, it's a no-brainer. Then you wake up and you're like "oh, right..." and you just want to go back to sleep.

I hope so. I know that a lot of folks here are in a good place, and happy with who they are, after going through this. So I... deeply hope so. Like watching a movie though, I'm not sure anything can do as good a job of creating a world as our own mind. But if it's close enough... maybe that's okay?

Thanks so much, Sephirah-- in so many ways, the dreams are enough. The woman I dream I am has experienced everything from falling in love to being a mother (though I have never dreamt, as far as I can remember, of actually giving birth). And I still dream of being a man. Some days, I have no desire to cross dress. Some days, I can't connect to the woman I know is also me. A week ago, I was desperate to begin hrt. Today, I'm comfortable in what is now. Susan's Place has helped me accept my own contradictions, ambiguities, and absurdities. I have dumped so much of my angst on so many people. Yet, no one has turned their back to me. Thanks.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 03, 2025, 04:39:12 PMThanks so much, Sephirah-- in so many ways, the dreams are enough. The woman I dream I am has experienced everything from falling in love to being a mother (though I have never dreamt, as far as I can remember, of actually giving birth). And I still dream of being a man. Some days, I have no desire to cross dress. Some days, I can't connect to the woman I know is also me. A week ago, I was desperate to begin hrt. Today, I'm comfortable in what is now. Susan's Place has helped me accept my own contradictions, ambiguities, and absurdities. I have dumped so much of my angst on so many people. Yet, no one has turned their back to me. Thanks.

No one is gonna do that, honey. This whole thing is a minefield. All we ask here is that you be yourself. Whoever that is. Express it, try to understand it, look for help, answers, even just a hug. We are all infinitely complicated. There is no wrong answer. The only thing that matters is that you can get to a place where you can look at yourself every day and be "I'm okay."

That's what this site was founded on. That's why we have so many people willing to listen and just talk to folks based on their own life experience.

Whoever you are, people will get you. Trust me. Susan's is rather unique in that aspect.

All you have to do is... embrace yourself. The rest will fall into place, okay?

Seriously though... don't ever think there's anything like a dumb question. Explore and express. It's the Susan's motto. We all learn from each other. We all make each other better. One of the best parts of the human experience. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on April 03, 2025, 04:46:49 PMNo one is gonna do that, honey. This whole thing is a minefield. All we ask here is that you be yourself. Whoever that is. Express it, try to understand it, look for help, answers, even just a hug. We are all infinitely complicated. There is no wrong answer. The only thing that matters is t

Yeah. Thanks, Sephirah. The hug thing is important right now. I just tried to talk to my daughter about being genderfluid. She brushed me off. Something like, 'you're not transgender?' As though there were degrees of who I am. This is just a moment that will pass. And I will still be who I am. I was going to ask her to help me pick out a pretty dress and maybe a little makeup for a photo to use as my avatar. I'll probably hold off on doing that.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 03, 2025, 06:58:21 PMYeah. Thanks, Sephirah. The hug thing is important right now. I just tried to talk to my daughter about being genderfluid. She brushed me off. Something like, 'you're not transgender?' As though there were degrees of who I am. This is just a moment that will pass. And I will still be who I am. I was going to ask her to help me pick out a pretty dress and maybe a little makeup for a photo to use as my avatar. I'll probably hold off on doing that.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Let me offer you a giant squeezy cyberhug, honey. I know it isn't the same. And there's no real substitute for feeling like you got the wind knocked out of your sails by those closest to you. You are right though, it will pass. People who don't get this, they don't get it. A lot take it personally. "mom, why are you trying to get all the attention in my life?! Mom, why do you have to do this right now?!"

You have to give people the chance to grow up, as you have. And realise that life isn't all about their social media accounts or whatever else.

It will happen, honey. It will. The one thing we always have in common is how we feel. These days... kids literally don't care about anyone with a physical body. They are glued to their phones. If you're not a screen name, you literally don't matter.

Time will move on honey. It will.

Listen, if you ever want to vent to someone. Just get out stuff you want to get out. Purge all the crap you might be feeling... shoot me a PM okay? I am a good listener. I don't judge. And sometimes it helps to purge all the stuff people put on you.

You are not alone, okay? You're not. You are beautiful and you matter. *big hugs* <3

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 03, 2025, 06:58:21 PMI just tried to talk to my daughter about being genderfluid. She brushed me off. Something like, 'you're not transgender?' As though there were degrees of who I am. This is just a moment that will pass. And I will still be who I am. I was going to ask her to help me pick out a pretty dress and maybe a little makeup for a photo to use as my avatar. I'll probably hold off on doing that.

My experience has been you have to allow people to go at their own pace and if it takes us years to come with being trans, and that with us experiencing the dysphoria on an hourly basis, imagine how long it takes for someone on the outside looking in to adjust?

One thing that doesn't help here is dismissing people who are dismissing us. I should know, I've tried it. Many, perhaps most of us reach a point where we accept we are trans, at which point, we're a caterpillar yet to metamorphose into whatever butterfly we will become. Accepting being trans allows us to see the possibility of metamorphosis, but people who know us well, only see the caterpillar.

I did psychotherapy with trans people from the late 1980s after a UK organisation asked for professionals willing to do it. I never told anyone I was trans because that isn't how it works, it's about the client not the therapist, but everyone I saw always told a variation of your or my story. It was when I realised it was the same story regardless of which way they were travelling, whether they were assigned female at birth or assigned male, that the penny dropped.

A significant burden trans people face is in order to retain friends and family, we end up doing their psychotherapy. Contacts of trans people don't often think, 'I should seek help with adjusting to my partner/relative/friend's' revelation, they think instead of the impact on themselves. Sure, you get exceptions like Ginny, but they are ultra rare.

I was getting people making eight hour journeys to see me for a one hour session and felt guilty about that, so I started asking my clients to bring any significant others along, the bait being a free session. I openly admit this was mostly out of my own curiosity, but I thought it was marginally ethical because of that, so I ran it past my psychotherapy mentor... and found myself having to explain the entire trans scenario to them. I was like, 'What?' but you're old enough to remember what it was like back then, Oli.

It was long ago now and we were still in the era of transsexualism (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249043.msg2283814.html#msg2283814), where being trans was seen as being trapped in the wrong body and the solution as an (almost) purely hormonal and surgical one of 'change the body to match the desired sex'.

It was as binary as you could get and even for those who felt trapped in the wrong body, as many  do, having what was called sexual reassignment surgery (SRS as was) fell far short of what needed to done for someone who had gone through it to be accepted by society.

That era completely left out non-binary and gender-fluid people. When that realisation dawned  splitting out gender and sex became a hot topic, driven by issues such intersex people, many of whom are genetically male, but phenotypically female and also the then emerging issue of AFAB trans folk, many of whom are non-binary. Without gender in the ring, you can't begin to address those groups, let alone bring anything useful to them. Gender as an issue extends far beyond trans anyway.

It was my sessions with significant others (SOs) which made me realise why post SRS people were struggling. There were two types of SO, those who'd known my clients 'before' and those who only met them 'after'. Neither group had a good understanding of how much distress their attitudes to trans were causing.

The 'before' group had a mountain to climb because they were having to adjust and cope with memories of how my clients were before transition and do what they saw as rewiring their entire relationship with them, even if it was non-sexual. They also had to complete the task the 'after' group was faced with, which was that everyone who presented to me was having issues aligning their gender to their post GAC appearance.

By gender, I mean gender as many healthcare organisations from the WHO downward (https://www.who.int/health-topics/gender#tab=tab_1) increasingly define it, which is the norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman (or a man, as many of my post surgery patients now were), Gender in this sense takes at least a decade of constant drip feeding and practice to learn and also, to unlearn. This was cutting both ways.

Some of my clients had had very successful surgery and hormone treatment, but were only part way through reprogramming their gendered behaviours. A few were able to switch gender at will, but even those who had completed the reprogramming (and a lot hadn't even realised what deep behavioural changes are involved) were still having to cope with SOs who were having frequent WTF experiences because they were expecting different gendered behaviour.

WTFs were more frequent in SOs of clients who had previously overcompensated on gender (either masculinity or femininity depending on which they were going) of clients who had themselves accepted they were trans. It gradually dawned on me that gender affirming care (GAC) involves not only us completing tasks in a series of stages, but our SOs and contacts doing an abbreviated version of what we do.

Those stages might be laid out as acceptance, sex transition, and retuning of gender (as in the WHO defined sense) to match our post treatment sex. The three don't have to be completed in that order, but all they have to be completed. What no-one tells us is there will be a long hang-over after we complete those tasks before everyone who knows us before we started them adjusts, nor anyone we've come into contact with before we've completed stage three will also have to adjust.

People who aren't vested in us through friendship or love may crap out early on because it's too much effort. But people who are vested in us won't find it easy and may well resort to denial of what's happening to us instead of pitching in and helping. When I read people's stories here of how adjusting to being trans is tearing them apart, I think of how SOs cope and I'm more understanding.

Sometimes we need to help our SOs as much as we need them to help us and perhaps that's a message worth sending, that this is vitally important to you, but you also know it is vitally important to her. You're right, the dress is off with your daughter for now. But since she's sticking around, the omens for future trips are good. Patience is all.

Quote from: TanyaG on April 04, 2025, 03:41:19 AMSometimes we need to help our SOs as much as we need them to help us and perhaps that's a message worth sending, that this is vitally important to you, but you also know it is vitally important to her. You're right, the dress is off with your daughter for now. But since she's sticking around, the omens for future trips are good. Patience is all.

TanyaG, you are a godsend. My beautiful daughter has so many issues of her own (bipolar, ASD, seizure) and I am always hypersensitive to where she is at, at any given moment. I assure you; I will be patient. She has taught me that much and much more than that. She is in a stable relationship and happy. She is more accepting of the new face I've revealed to her than anyone else has been. Someday, we will visit a boutique together or, more likely, look through the women's fashions on Amazon. I found great comfort in your words.