Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone. I'm actually interested if anybody else has found this too? Do you find that some people that weren't nice to you before are now just because you transitioned?

I think I've seen this happen. I try to be open however to whoever wants to be in my life. Maybe they really have changed and genuinely want to be supportive?

It's an interesting thing. I also think you have to be careful because in some cases people aren't always trustworthy.

Does anyone have any experiences to share?

Not really.  But this seems to be a good reception change for you.  That is a plus, it seems.

Chrissy

All the people who have been nice to me since affirming my gender variance are here. On Susan's Place. Most people from my past no longer talk to me. Except for a couple of sisters and my daughter. Fortunately, you can pick your friends. Family? Not so much.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on January 19, 2026, 10:54:37 AMI think I've seen this happen. I try to be open however to whoever wants to be in my life. Maybe they really have changed and genuinely want to be supportive?

It's also possible that you have changed and are more open to the outside world. :) Whether you transition or not, self-acceptance is like getting the key to a prison you never really knew you were locked inside.

We all read body language and subtle cues given off by the people around us. When you're keeping yourself hidden away, you're sending off signals that you don't want people to look for you. Often because you don't want to look for you. So often they don't.

As Annika alluded to, though, sometimes it isn't retroactive. Sometimes people who knew you before have their own issues, based on how they feel about trans people. And some of those never go away. Nothing to do with who you are, and what kind of friend you are. It depends on the individual and in those cases, all you can really do is just accept it and move on.

My rule of thumb is to be kind and friendly to everyone until they give you a reason not to be. And then be their worst nightmare And then smile and move on in your life. ;)

Yeah. It's kind of odd, but I'm finding out that you really don't know who you're real friends are until they have had some time to think about it for a little while. I guess it makes sense. It is a lot to get your head around! I'm learning to spot who's onboard by how they refer to me. I have had several friends who were referring to me as Camille for  month or more even, suddenly start referring to me as my past name. I try to keep an open mind about it. When confronted about it, I tell them that I am sorry that they feel that way. And that I still love them, but that train, my transition, is off and running. There will always be a seat available for them, but I'm not stopping and waiting for them.

You really do find out who your real friends are when you come out.

I've been fortunate.  Nobody I know was totally unaccepting when I came out.  A few co-workers kept their distance but still talked to me when they needed to.  A few friends too seem more distant.  But the overwhelming majority of them were happy for me.  There were even a few surprises.  Folks I thought would ghost me said (paraphrasing) "you do you, we're good".

Even with all the craziness in today's world, things are still better than 20+ years ago.

My church and family had already thrown me out before I really made the decision.  OK, perhaps I had made it but didn't admit it.  One interesting reaction was from the Church Secretary in a small church I sometimes visit.  She just said "I didn't really find you convincing as a man".

Quote from: Sephirah on January 22, 2026, 03:20:33 PMMy rule of thumb is to be kind and friendly to everyone until they give you a reason not to be. And then be their worst nightmare And then smile and move on in your life. ;)

Sometimes, moving on is complicated. Three days ago, my sister from Oregon decided she wanted to get as many of our family of origin together for a meal as possible. She even drove to Montana since that's where most of us live. She sent out the invitation. I accepted. The next day she texted and said plans had changed and there would be separate meals. She wouldn't tell me why. Everyone reading this has already guessed the denouement. Sometimes, people I love cause me more pain than the ones I know despise me. 

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 29, 2026, 11:06:30 AMSometimes, moving on is complicated. Three days ago, my sister from Oregon decided she wanted to get as many of our family of origin together for a meal as possible. She even drove to Montana since that's where most of us live. She sent out the invitation. I accepted. The next day she texted and said plans had changed and there would be separate meals. She wouldn't tell me why. Everyone reading this has already guessed the denouement. Sometimes, people I love cause me more pain than the ones I know despise me. 

Yeah, that's sad. When it comes to family I have an aunt I don't even speak to. She can't accept I'm not this preachy church-going person that she is. Then I have a 3rd cousin who my mother will always favor over me despite her getting a DUI and caring about nothing other than drinking.

I think the family you create is more important than the family you're born into. I think that's a lesson better learned early on to be honest.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 29, 2026, 11:06:30 AMSometimes, people I love cause me more pain than the ones I know despise me. 

Precisely because you love them. That's why. Love is like... it's like the soul being deeply drunk. For lack of a better term. All the usual things you have in place to read people, and gauge a situation go completely out of the window when you talk in terms of love. You're at your most vulnerable. That can be the most wonderful, but also the most heart-wrenching state. When you give someone a piece of your soul, you have to trust them to be gentle with it. You surrender control of your innermost self to another... and that can be hard.

But you touched on something, Annika. You expect certain behaviour from some people. Not from others. Depending how you feel about them, and what you know about them. This is something it's taken me a long, long time to come to terms with... the behaviour itself doesn't change. What changes is how you process and deal with it. Hurt doesn't come from someone else. It comes from our own reactions to a situation. For a lot of years I've blamed a lot of people for a lot of things. For being hurt, for feeling angry, or sad, or alone. I've had a lot of patient people try and help me understand a lot of the rage I felt about a lot of things. Rage buried so deep it burned me up like a coal mine fire in my core. It's their fault. If they didn't do whatever it was, I wouldn't feel that way.

This is probably true. I mean certainly it is. But it's missing the most important consideration. I allowed myself to feel the way I did. I allowed myself to feel hurt, or angry, or sad, or alone based on a word, or an action, or a combination of actions. People can only affect you if you let them. If you give them permission. And where love is concerned... you basically hand over your PIN number, password, mother's maiden name, pet's name, and favourite colour to someone else.

Anyway, the upshot is, as a result of a lot of soul-searching, I am arguably colder now than I used to be. More distant. Personally speaking. Maybe that's a bad thing. But I am also wary of situations where I allow myself to feel hurt. That distance allows me to look at why people act the way they do. To try and understand. When it comes to the situation you describe, Anni... it seems to me your sister did it to deliberately try and make you feel the way you did. To feel hurt. Probably because she feels hurt about something. And the only way sometimes that people know how to make someone understand that they feel a certain way is to make someone else feel that same way.

Maybe because they don't know how to verbalise something. I feel there's a lot unsaid between you. That you don't know how to, or don't want to for fear of what it might lead to. And raw emotion is a way to speak without words? Sorry, sweetie, I'm not trying to analyse you or anything. The point I guess I'm trying to make is that the cause of pain isn't the person trying to inflict it. It's the person allowing themselves to suffer it. Emotional pain, anyway. However you feel, try to understand why someone might behave the way they do. Because doing that might (probably will) change the way you feel yourself.

*big hugs*

Not all Facebook "friends" are truly friends.

Thanks, Cosmic Joke and Sephirah. And, Chrissy, you made me smile. I love you all.