Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

Quote from: tammy753 on May 28, 2026, 09:54:52 AMHi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

Yes, I have definitely worked through those thoughts. I don't think they really completely go away. You just get mentally stronger and you learn how to handle them.

I think that's actually a very common response when you take a step toward happiness. We live in a society where it takes alot of courage to do just that.

I think everyone experiences this.

Human beings naturally resist change. So, a change of any kind, whether relationships, jobs, locations, or lifestyles, can lead to second thoughts and doubt. Think of all the people who got cold feet right before getting married. It is perfectly normal.

As a member here used to say, everything you have ever wanted exists just on the other side of fear.

The key is to finally decide what you want, then set aside those doubts and go for it. It isn't easy. The hard part is making that decision.

I can't point to a single event or learning that got me past the shame.  But one simple meditation definitely helped:  "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

I have therapy today and am going to bring up this topic. I have been spiraling since the long weekend. I appreciate the responses so far knowing other go through this helps.

I can't say I have ever felt shame over who I am. You should never feel ashamed of who you are Tammy. If people are deliberately making you feel like that, then they are the wrong sort of people to be around and you should remove them from your life wherever possible.

Of course I am terrified of not being accepted, I look in the mirror sometimes and think "who am I kidding?", I'm scared of not being able to remotely pass at all, it's what has stopped and still does stop me from living the life I am meant to. I think nearly all of us have these feelings, but you should not feel shame. This is not a peversion, you were born this way and nobody has the right to make you feel small because of it.

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 28, 2026, 11:09:35 AMAs a member here used to say, everything you have ever wanted exists just on the other side of fear.

This is a good mantra to live by if you ask me. If only I could pluck up the courage to act on it!

Guess what? Teenage girls go through that phase too. We all go through a gawky phase where we look embarrassingly bad but it takes time to find your style, your make up look, to achieve a feminine body. I believe I have got to a point where I might, visually at least, have a stab at passing but it has taken me years.

You will work through these feelings, You will find your inner woman and your style. It might seem like an impossible mountain to climb but you will get there, so many others before us have proven that.

Yeah, The Who am I kidding is one of the things that send i think all the time

Quote from: tammy753 on May 28, 2026, 01:54:13 PMYeah, The Who am I kidding is one of the things that send i think all the time

Same. I've reduced the frequency of this thought, though. I realized that although my intellect said I was trying to just be me, my heart wanted to pass. 

Damn.

I changed my goal from wanting to be an attractive woman to wanting to be an attractive trans woman. Even as I bemoaned not being able to pass, I was admiring the beauty of trans women who didn't pass. Maybe I could admire myself that way? 

It helps when I - to quote another member - go for it. Wig, breast forms, dress, full makeup. People then call me ma'am and treat me like a woman. 

That's enough. Makes me purr. 

@tammy753 the thing with shame is, it's not ours, originally. Others told us out of ignorance or malevolence, that what we do or what we are is wrong and shameful.

And then we've internalized that. We don't need them any more to feel bad, we can now feel bad on our own, all the time, for all our lives.

I don't want that any more. That's why I'm trying to "externalize" the shame again and give it back to those people who gave it to me in the first place. I don't want it. They can keep it, all their prejudice and hate, and keep on living their very narrow-minded lives.

That's what we all should be doing.

You're great @tammy753 just  as you are. You deserve to feel good.

Quote from: Valerie.Val on May 29, 2026, 04:42:48 AM@tammy753 the thing with shame is, it's not ours, originally. Others told us out of ignorance or malevolence, that what we do or what we are is wrong and shameful.

And then we've internalized that. We don't need them any more to feel bad, we can now feel bad on our own, all the time, for all our lives.

I don't want that any more. That's why I'm trying to "externalize" the shame again and give it back to those people who gave it to me in the first place. I don't want it. They can keep it, all their prejudice and hate, and keep on living their very narrow-minded lives.

That's what we all should be doing.

You're great @tammy753 just  as you are. You deserve to feel good.

I wish it was as easy as choosing to not to listen to those thoughts. My therapist is helping me to identify the source so I cam move past them. It doesn't seem possible right now but I am trying.

I hear you, and I didn't want to imply it was easy. <3

Quote from: Valerie.Val on May 29, 2026, 04:42:48 AM@tammy753 the thing with shame is, it's not ours, originally. Others told us out of ignorance or malevolence, that what we do or what we are is wrong and shameful.

And then we've internalized that. We don't need them any more to feel bad, we can now feel bad on our own, all the time, for all our lives.

I don't want that any more. That's why I'm trying to "externalize" the shame again and give it back to those people who gave it to me in the first place. I don't want it. They can keep it, all their prejudice and hate, and keep on living their very narrow-minded lives.

That's what we all should be doing.

You're great @tammy753 just  as you are. You deserve to feel good.

This is important. Shame isn't something we feel intrinsically. It's something other people make us feel. It's someone else telling you that you should feel bad about something, or embarrassed about something, or less than human about something. You only ever feel shame in the eyes of someone else.

What @Valerie.Val said is right. But it's hard to see that when you're in a place where your self esteem doesn't allow you any sort of self belief or self acceptance at all.

This is what you have to work on, Tammy. It's your self-esteem and the beliefs you hold about yourself. When you think you are the worst of the worst, then whatever people tell you will reinforce that belief. When you trust what other people think about you more than what you think about you, because that voice inside isn't one you want to listen to... it's hard.

But... you also have to try to understand why someone will make you try to feel this way. And often it has nothing to do with you. When you are someone outside what people are comfortable with, you make them question themselves. Their own view on life. People don't like looking at themselves. It's hard. It's much easier to blame someone else and make them feel bad.

You are on the receiving end of that. But it's not your fault.

Val is right, we don't create shame, we are just subjected to it by the people around us. It's a hard thing to deal with, but you can deal with it, okay? It might take some work... to encourage self-belief. But you are worth it, sweetie. You are. No one should be a prisoner to the whims of the world around them.

I believe in you.

So I know the main source is my Mother which I am coming to terms with. I think she was trying to protect me this was in the 90's in Rural America. My Therapist is helping me with that but it is so engrained in me after 30+ years that it seems insurmountable. I appreciate all the insights!

Quote from: tammy753 on May 29, 2026, 02:03:54 PMSo I know the main source is my Mother which I am coming to terms with. I think she was trying to protect me this was in the 90's in Rural America. My Therapist is helping me with that but it is so engrained in me after 30+ years that it seems insurmountable. I appreciate all the insights!

Nothing is insurmountable, Tammy. Nothing. There is no mountain you can't climb, okay? Take it one step at a time. Deal with one thing at a time. Don't look at the whole, just look at the next thing you want to do. Enough of those, and you will get to where you want to be, okay? Life is a series of small hurdles. Get past one then look to the next.

You can do this. You really can.

In a way, well meant advice by loved ones is so much worse than slurs and humiliation by bullies. And much deeper ingrained. I can't share it publicly but one such advice from dad led me to the most horrible years of my life. However he meant well. He was just wrong. He made a mistake. I think an important part of healing is forgiveness.

Dear Tammy I'm definitely not presuming to know or understand your situation by sharing this bit of my life. I guess I'm just trying to say, whoever the people were who filled us with doubt, they were just wrong. Dead wrong. And you were right. You belong in this world just as you are.

With all my heart I wish you will soon overcome the ghosts of your past.

Actually I wish this for all of us.

*big hug*, Tammy.

Personality I don't get feelings of shame but do get strong feelings of inadequacy. So the part where you mention thinking you look ridiculous is more familiar. It's kinda like a self critical attack. Any progress forwards requires a response as to why its not progress. I think these often stem from childhood put downs, but actually I'm starting to think this is just hard. Transition is hard. We convince ourselves this process is the answer to all our problems and the key to utopia - we are going to be our true selves right. Indeed starting transition or HRT comes with a big dose of euphoria, which carries us for ages. Well, we know what happens with something we place on a pedestal. Actually it can be an arduous journey of finding out who you really are. What you really want. And kinda being a teenager again. In my case a moody messed up one.

Really i think we all experience this uinquely as a reflection of our whole past and whole future. As such some things crop up to be resolved. Like a rebirth so to speak.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: tammy753 on May 29, 2026, 02:03:54 PMSo I know the main source is my Mother which I am coming to terms with. I think she was trying to protect me this was in the 90's in Rural America. My Therapist is helping me with that but it is so engrained in me after 30+ years that it seems insurmountable. I appreciate all the insights!

I did a lot of inner child work and learned about the source of many negative feelings about myself. Keep going!

Yes inner child work is important. It was key to realising who I am.

Enough said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_17-LX36Io (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_17-LX36Io)

Unfortunately, the video does not include a transcript, though I wish it did. For context, the clip features a scene from the television show Pose where the character Elektra forcefully rejects another person's attempt to shame her, eloquently putting the woman in her place.

The lesson to take from this is to be exactly who you are, take up the space you deserve, and never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are today or who you were in the past.

I wrote about this recently in another thread:

Quote from: Susan on May 19, 2026, 09:56:28 PM...I'm going to attach a picture. It's me in my twenties, with four of my coworkers. I'm on the far left.

thriftynickel.jpg

Here's what's happening in this picture. We had just raised a sunken towboat called The Thrifty Nickel off the bottom of the Cumberland River at Cumberland City, Tennessee. The boat in the picture is covered in mud and algae, and if you look closely, you can see the water still pumping out of it behind our feet and legs—that's the boat draining, not the river. Five of us spent that day bringing it up. I was one of two salvage divers working to do so. It was a win that belonged to all of us. At the end of the day, somebody wanted a photo, and the five of us dutifully lined up on the deck.

I'll tell you something honest. I don't remember much of me from back then. I can tell you what we did that day, I can tell you whose hands were on what, and I can tell you the smell of the algae and the sound of the pumps. But the person I was inside that body—what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she was carrying—most of that has gone soft on me. It faded the way everything fades over thirty-some years. The girl in that picture is mostly a stranger to me now. I love her, I'm grateful to her, and she got me here. But I don't live inside her anymore, and most of who she was day-to-day has slipped past the edge of what I can reach.

And yet—look at her on the left. The belt is cinched tighter than anyone else's in the frame. The posture is more contained. The face turns just slightly differently from the rest. The body in the picture didn't know yet why it was holding itself the way it was. The day wasn't about her. Nobody was looking at her. And the frame underneath was still her—still me—still the Susan you're reading right now. I didn't become someone new. I became visible. The me underneath was always there, waiting for the outside to catch up. The belt in that picture knew before I did.

I want to tell you one more thing about that photo because it will help with the next part.

Ten or fifteen years after it was taken, somebody finally gave me a copy. I hadn't seen it in all that time. I sat down and looked at it—the five of us lined up on the deck, the boat draining behind us, the dust and grime of the day—and I went through the faces. I recognized the other four men. I didn't recognize the person on the far left.

I kept the picture. I looked at it now and then over the months that followed. I knew I'd been at that job. I knew I'd been on that boat that day. I could even remember the smell of the algae and the sound of the pumps. But when I looked at the photo, my eye passed right over the person on the left without ever catching on her. She was just one of the strangers in the frame.

Six months went by like that. Half a year of looking at a picture of myself and not even recognizing that I was in it.

Then, one day, it landed. I was looking at the photo, and something clicked—oh. That's me. The one with the cinched belt. I'd been standing in that line all along.

Sit with that for a minute... because it tells you something about how this works that I couldn't have made up if I tried. Someone I'd been—recently enough that I remembered the day in detail—was so far from who I'd become that my own eye couldn't find her in a photograph. Not because I was running from her. Not because I'd done anything to push her away. Just because the present had kept arriving for a decade, and there had only been so much room. The version of me in that picture had softened so completely that she stopped being someone I recognized as myself.

The fade isn't a thing that takes a lifetime. It happens while you're living. The present moves forward, and the old shape goes soft on its own, whether you want it to or not—sometimes more thoroughly than you'd believe.

I want to be clear about something because the way I just told that story could be misread. I'm not ashamed of the person on that boat. I'm not ashamed of who I was then, and I'm certainly not ashamed of who I am now. The not-recognizing wasn't rejection. It was just distance—the natural distance you grow from any earlier version of yourself when enough years pass. I love her. She got me here. She did the best she could with what she had.

If you want to see how I hold both of those truths at the same time, look at the top of my Facebook page. I have that workboat photo as the header, with a picture of who I am today layered over the top of it. Both of us, on the same page, every day, where anyone can see. The old me and the now me, side by side. Not one erasing the other. Not one ashamed of the other. Just both, holding hands across the years...

...And now I want to show you something else, from the same stretch of years.

susan1.jpg susan2.jpg susan3.jpg

Same body. Same year, near enough. Same person. The only difference is that in these photos, I'd finally let her come up to the surface for a minute. Look at the waist. Look at the set of the shoulders. Look at the gaze. It's the same frame from the work photo—the same belt cinched tight, the same containment, the same face turning slightly differently from how anyone else's would. The girl on the deck of the towboat and the woman on the deck of the riverboat are the same person. One of them just knew it. The other was figuring it out.

It was the same body that had cinched its belt at the salvage site without even thinking about it, waiting for the outside to catch up. Who I was inside had always been there.

I want to tell you one more thing about those photos because if I don't, the post will accidentally lie to you.

The woman in those pictures didn't start there. I knew about her long before that riverboat. I knew somewhere between the ages of three and five—before I had real language for anything, before I could read, before the world had handed me a single tool to understand what I was feeling. I just knew—the way the smallest kids know things they don't yet have words for. There was something true about me that the body, the name, and the life around me weren't matching, and I knew it the way I knew my own hand.

Then, at seven, I found the word. Transsexual. I learned that there were other people like me and that there was a path. The moment I understood what I was, I also understood that I would transition fully someday. Not as a hope. As a fact. A seven-year-old looking at her own future and treating it as already decided.

So, by the time I posed for those photos in my twenties, I'd been carrying her inside me consciously for nearly two decades, and pre-consciously for longer. It then took another twenty-five years after those pictures before I was able to be fully her, every day, in the world. Add it up. From the first knowing to actually living as myself was nearly half a century. Decades of holding my breath while she waited...

...One last thing I want to show you... This is the full arc of me, laid out left to right.

Susan-Timeline.jpg

Look across the row. The man on the far left and the woman on the far right are the same person. The bone structure is the same. The shoulders are the same. The way I hold myself is the same.

Now look at the eyes. Really look. The man on the left has dead eyes. There's nobody home behind them. I wanted to die, and I would have if I hadn't taken the very same step she did when she told you, "This is who I really am."

That's not a man who didn't have a soul—that's a woman holding her breath so completely that she'd turned the lights off to survive it. The Susan inside that body was still there. She just couldn't afford to be seen, so she dimmed herself down to almost nothing and waited.

Now move your eye across the panels. Watch what happens. By the second panel, the lights are starting to come back on. By the third, you can see a person looking out. By the time you reach the rightmost panel, the eyes are fully alive—and that's the Susan who's been writing to you all night. The frame was always the same. What was changing across those panels was how much of me I was allowed to let into my own face...

When you can embrace your entire history without shame, you completely remove the power anyone else has to use it against you.

I learned long ago that other people's opinions only matter if you care what they think to begin with. Let their judgments roll off you like water off a duck's back. Stand tall, own your story, and remember that you have every right to exist and thrive exactly as you are.

Having grown up in the seventies, we were made very aware that people like us were WRONG, and that is still our mindset. Don't forget, we were classified as mentally ill back then.Society has come a long way, but not so far that I can just walk up my street in a dress. My transgender self is and on some level will always be compartmentalized. That's life, and I'm used to it, but it doesn't have to be that way. Reach out! Surround yourself with people like you!

Thanks, I have a new plan that I worked with my therapist on. I will be moving to a new city in a year and a half or so. I am hoping that Colorado is more excepting than where I live now. I need to wait to be able to access my retirement savings in order to move. So that is my goal, having that in my head is helping me.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 23, 2026, 10:28:26 AMThanks, I have a new plan that I worked with my therapist on. I will be moving to a new city in a year and a half or so. I am hoping that Colorado is more excepting than where I live now. I need to wait to be able to access my retirement savings in order to move. So that is my goal, having that in my head is helping me.

Many parts of Colorado are very accepting. Do you have an idea of what part of the state interests you? There are also strong conservative areas. Do your research on issues that matter to you. A VERY GENERAL overview is that Central Colorado south of Denver is more liberal. Northern counties, the western slope, and the eastern plains are more conservative, but those are smaller cities than the big metro areas. Even within those conservative areas are pockets of acceptance, especially near colleges and universities.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 23, 2026, 10:43:35 AMMany parts of Colorado are very accepting. Do you have an idea of what part of the state interests you? There are also strong conservative areas. Do your research on issues that matter to you. A VERY GENERAL overview is that Central Colorado south of Denver is more liberal. Northern counties, the western slope, and the eastern plains are more conservative, but those are smaller cities than the big metro areas. Even within those conservative areas are pockets of acceptance, especially near colleges and universities.

I like to 4x4 and I would like to rekindle my artistic side so I was looking at Pueblo. I am hoping to be able to buy a house out right there and there is a 4x4 club that accepts transwomen so I intend to join that. From what I saw online they have adult art classes and open studio time so it sounds like a place I would like. I will miss trees and stuff but I have a Jeep I can go to the trees.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 23, 2026, 05:42:53 PMI like to 4x4 and I would like to rekindle my artistic side so I was looking at Pueblo. I am hoping to be able to buy a house out right there and there is a 4x4 club that accepts transwomen so I intend to join that. From what I saw online they have adult art classes and open studio time so it sounds like a place I would like. I will miss trees and stuff but I have a Jeep I can go to the trees.

I've been in Pueblo for a year now. They do have a lot for the arts scene and are quite accepting. The Pueblo Pride event was awesome.

I am looking to move further west to get closer to the mountains. There just isn't much available out that way. But I continue to look.

I have seen a lot of houses for sale and they are mostly in my budget so in a year and a half I should be able to buy a house. I saw a small yellow one on Zillow that I really want but its too soon to buy anything.

Great thread

I'm a guy on the opposite side of this

I have brothers who are married with kids and from family I get "when are you going to meet someone"

My last girlfriend was trans but it was short and we broke up because I felt I couldn't get past it all...I was a complete and total moron

I understand that now but unfortunately only time can make you really accept things! It is difficult to get past that barrier and anyone who says it isn't hasn't been there

I'm now a guy who is totally open and I've got myself a beer gut lol I need to hit the gym 😉

Quote from: Stottie Girl on May 28, 2026, 12:14:58 PMI can't say I have ever felt shame over who I am. You should never feel ashamed of who you are Tammy. If people are deliberately making you feel like that, then they are the wrong sort of people to be around and you should remove them from your life wherever possible.

Of course I am terrified of not being accepted, I look in the mirror sometimes and think "who am I kidding?", I'm scared of not being able to remotely pass at all, it's what has stopped and still does stop me from living the life I am meant to. I think nearly all of us have these feelings, but you should not feel shame. This is not a peversion, you were born this way and nobody has the right to make you feel small because of it.

This is a good mantra to live by if you ask me. If only I could pluck up the courage to act on it!

Guess what? Teenage girls go through that phase too. We all go through a gawky phase where we look embarrassingly bad but it takes time to find your style, your make up look, to achieve a feminine body. I believe I have got to a point where I might, visually at least, have a stab at passing but it has taken me years.

You will work through these feelings, You will find your inner woman and your style. It might seem like an impossible mountain to climb but you will get there, so many others before us have proven that.

Great post

I've suffered with low self esteem all my life - I just carry on and ignore it

This is going to sound so stupid but I have a supermarket opposite my place (Sainsbury's for anyone in the UK!) and I used to worry about going over in my usual daily, grotty t-shirts and shorts...I just started going over there anyway in my grotty t-shirts and shorts

Noone cared

The UK is so class obsessed but anyone that looked at me and would have criticised I didn't see and I didn't care anyway

The point is...just go for it. A couple of bad looks =  if you do small trips out then it will build up your confidence to the point where you don't care anyway

Quote from: Jimbo01 on July 11, 2026, 05:42:26 AMGreat post

I've suffered with low self esteem all my life - I just carry on and ignore it

This is going to sound so stupid but I have a supermarket opposite my place (Sainsbury's for anyone in the UK!) and I used to worry about going over in my usual daily, grotty t-shirts and shorts...I just started going over there anyway in my grotty t-shirts and shorts

Noone cared

The UK is so class obsessed but anyone that looked at me and would have criticised I didn't see and I didn't care anyway

The point is...just go for it. A couple of bad looks =  if you do small trips out then it will build up your confidence to the point where you don't care anyway

It's having the courage to just not care what people think.

Something I do not have unfortunately.

I'm terrified of someone outing me in public, I'm paranoid of getting comments and abuse or worse. The climate in the UK feels like it has shifted. It feels like it has empowered those haters and the world seems a far less safe place. At least that is what is in my mind. In reality it is probably nothing of the sort. THere will be be those who do not like trans people but most British people aren't very likely to say anything to your face or be confrontational.

For me, I want to be able to pass so that I avoid these sorts of issues altogether. It may be possible it may not be but until I feel I am as convincingly female as I can be I think I will stay in the closet probably another year of voice training, electrolysis and hairline transplant and I will be unleashed onto an unsuspecting public!

I do not experience any shame after I got clarity that I am honest about my thoughts, and that I was born with the wrong body.  My transitioning has had its uplifts and downs, its highs and lows, and its frustrating and super enjoyable times.

I do still question if maybe someday I might detransition but I sure do not wish to at this time.  I am finally happy that I can be myself almost all the time, and the other times when I must put on a facade it is because I choose to for what are good reasons in my mind.

Have a nice weekend!


Chrissy

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 11, 2026, 08:14:15 AMIt's having the courage to just not care what people think.

Something I do not have unfortunately.

I'm terrified of someone outing me in public, I'm paranoid of getting comments and abuse or worse. The climate in the UK feels like it has shifted. It feels like it has empowered those haters and the world seems a far less safe place. At least that is what is in my mind. In reality it is probably nothing of the sort. THere will be be those who do not like trans people but most British people aren't very likely to say anything to your face or be confrontational.

For me, I want to be able to pass so that I avoid these sorts of issues altogether. It may be possible it may not be but until I feel I am as convincingly female as I can be I think I will stay in the closet probably another year of voice training, electrolysis and hairline transplant and I will be unleashed onto an unsuspecting public!

It is hard tbh

But it's something that you can get used to - it happens bit by bit over time and then one day you realise you don't care anymore

I understand the worry about abuse but you'd probably only get a "funny" comment from an idiot

Although you probably look great anyway and maybe you'd get lucky and come across someone like me who would give you a compliment!

Why can't I get lucky and meet someone like that in the supermarket lol

Once you figure out accepting areas the next step is to do stuff there presenting as your preferred gender.  I find it easier to socialize if my gender is obvious.  People at work just want to do their job and it helps if they don't have to awkwardly guess.

I am still struggling with self hatred for being trans. I know that you will all say there is nothing to be ashamed of but I can't get past it. I thought i did the right thing by refusing to get close to anyone, and pushing away family but last week was my birthday and i have been feeling extremely lonely. I keep reminding my self I did the right thing but it doesn't push away my loneliness like it used to. I tried joining here to meet people like me but honestly you are all dealing with this 1000000 times better than I am. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere these days. As I think about transitioning I realize that I will probably be left completely alone by my family. I know its a prison of my own making but I can't keep denying what I am but I am so ashamed that I couldn't resist they way my mother wanted.

Sorry disregard my wallowing in my own misery but my therapist said I should post this when I said I felt like an outsider on the forums. I told her I would do I did.

I don't understand the shame, but I do understand that you are feeling lonely.  We on the forum may be better than nothing, but you need friends, colleagues, or acquaintances in real life. 

Years ago, in the "before" time when I didn't know who I was, I realized that I was lonely because I didn't know how to meet compatible people.  I decided I needed to make an effort to meet people who shared some of my values.  So I joined a couple of groups that did activities reflecting those values.  Best case, I would meet a compatible partner (that was my goal).  Worst case, I would have fun doing things I loved to do.  The winner was a hiking group: I met my now-wife at the top of a mountain on one of the group's hikes.  It took a couple of years, during which time I went on some awesome hikes and met some very interesting people.

The point is that meeting compatible people shouldn't depend only on chance.  You can make it happen.  And basing who you meet on your own values selects more of the right people to meet.

Perhaps make a list of what your values are.  That is something we tend to take for granted, but making a list can help you focus on what you need in real life.  Then try to think of places or especially groups where you would meet people sharing those values.  For me, the value was a love of nature.  The activity was hiking, and the group was the city's biggest hiking club.

Good luck!

Oh, Tammy, you are never alone.

I know it can feel that way, but just by coming here, you are among friends. Many people feel a need for a real-world relationship of some kind, and Kathy's advice is very good.

There are too many people in the world to try to meet them all. By focusing on people who have similar tastes and interests, you will have much better luck. I think that will also help you overcome feelings of shame.

We can all tell you there is nothing to be ashamed of. We can tell you that being transgender is something you were born with, and it is nobody's fault. But until you accept yourself as you, it will be difficult. Your therapist can help you with that. Shame is something we feel about ourselves, whether we are trans or gay or something unrelated.

The key is to accept yourself for who you are. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Embrace it. Then go forth being the best you that you can be.

It may seem like everyone is dealing with this so much better than you. I can assure you that is not the case. We all have our moments of doubt, worry, and even depression. Don't give in to it. You only win if you never give up.

Hang in there, Sister. We are here for you.

Big Hugs!

I really appreciate the input and I talked with my therapist and she has talked me into antidepressants. So maybe they will make me less moody and depressing to deal with.


I am sorry for bring everyone down. I will try not to post stuff like this anymore.

Tammy,

I am so sorry the struggles are feeling so heavy right now... This stuff can feel so overwhelming but,  with perseverance... We find the ways forward!...

@Lori Dee touched on the importance of self acceptance in all this... It is at the heart of building a life that will serve you well... It is indeed the key that opens many doors... Keep seeking it out!

Onward Brave Sister...

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tammy753 on July 13, 2026, 08:55:51 PMI am sorry for bring everyone down. I will try not to post stuff like this anymore.

You don't bring everyone down. We are here to listen and help you through this.

Keep posting. Up, down, or even if you are uncertain. You have family here who care how you are doing. Posting is therapeutic. It helps you organize your thoughts so you can examine them more closely.

We are here for you.

Big Hugs!
 

Quote from: tammy753 on July 13, 2026, 08:55:51 PMI really appreciate the input and I talked with my therapist and she has talked me into antidepressants. So maybe they will make me less moody and depressing to deal with.


I am sorry for bring everyone down. I will try not to post stuff like this anymore.

Don't be daft Tammy! We have all posted when we are down and depressed at one point or another. Maybe it's because we know that if we do the amazing people on here will rally round and lift us up when we need it.

Transition is an emotial rollercoaster you will feel times of elation but there will of course be times when you think it will be too much to bear.

Rather than thinking you are bringing everyone down think about the fact that you are leaving a trail that others can follow and which can help them when they are feeling the same depression. Look at the viewing figures for the site, there are far far more people view Susans than actively participate. Your experience could be helping hundreds of people deal with there own feelings of depression.

Just a thought and don't ever apologise for expressing your thoughts Tammy, this is a safe place where we all support and celebrate each other.

Sarah xx

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 01:59:09 AMRather than thinking you are bringing everyone down think about the fact that you are leaving a trail that others can follow and which can help them when they are feeling the same depression. Look at the viewing figures for the site, there are far far more people view Susans than activly participate. Your experience could be helping hundreds of people deal with there own feelings of depression.

This! Ask me how I know ;)

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 14, 2026, 02:05:03 AMThis! Ask me how I know ;)

That's brilliant Anna! Living proof of what I said! I am the same as you. I followed Susans for well over 15 years before I joined, I know all the amazing posts over the years have helped me immensely.

This is the beauty of Susan's

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 01:59:09 AMJust a thought and don't ever apologise for expressing your thoughts Tammy, this is a safe place where we all support and celebrate each other.

Many of us have been (or are) in the rollercoaster and we all understand.

The forum might be a first step, but I my therapist also recommended me to get "real life" colleagues and well, working on it. Right now the new found family at Susan's is of great support.

Just go step by step and feel comfortable.
Look for your comfort zone and expand it at your own pace, never forget that your happiness is the key.

Quote from: Anne_lifetrip on July 14, 2026, 04:25:23 AMThis is the beauty of Susan's
Many of us have been (or are) in the rollercoaster and we all understand.

The forum might be a first step, but I my therapist also recommended me to get "real life" colleagues and well, working on it. Right now the new found family at Susan's is of great support.

Just go step by step and feel comfortable.
Look for your comfort zone and expand it at your own pace, never forget that your happiness is the key.

Your therapist is dead right, you need physical friendship and support as well as Susans.

I have not yet come out but when I do I will be actively trying to gain a supportive female friendship group as best I can through joining hiking clubs, cycle clubs etc etc (if they'll have me!). As supportive and amazing as Susans it cannot take the place of real world friends. I have lost almost all of my friends over the years and my life is all the worse for it. When Sarah is unleashed I intend to rectify the situation!

So I promised I wouldn't reply but let me explain. I think the problem is I have never outwardly acknowledged my being trans to another person until I started therapy. I won't rehash the past but since telling her the flood gates have been open. I am struggling to hold it all in again. I feel a little better today but I still deal with the self loathing but hopefully therapy will help with that. Yesterday's session was really rough but it did help if it did leave me a sobbing ball on the couch for an hour or so after.

I really appreciate the support and kind thoughts. I know I am a mess right now and my emotions are all over the place but I am working on stuff I have denied for 50 years and its all raw right now.

*I am not a great writer like so many of you so please bare with me.

I will say that I do NOT feel comfortable at all when I hear a snicker or a see a perceived held back laugh or hear unpleasant transgender comments that are clearly made to make fun of transgender folk or when I notice these specifically directed to me.

I am not ashamed though.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 07:46:27 AMSo I promised I wouldn't reply but let me explain. I think the problem is I have never outwardly acknowledged my being trans to another person until I started therapy. I won't rehash the past but since telling her the flood gates have been open. I am struggling to hold it all in again. I feel a little better today but I still deal with the self loathing but hopefully therapy will help with that. Yesterday's session was really rough but it did help if it did leave me a sobbing ball on the couch for an hour or so after.

I really appreciate the support and kind thoughts. I know I am a mess right now and my emotions are all over the place but I am working on stuff I have denied for 50 years and its all raw right now.

*I am not a great writer like so many of you so please bare with me.

If it makes you feel any better, except for one therapist I have not told a soul bar my mother and, while supportive, she doesn't really understand what it is to be trans. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff and I know what it is like to have it all bottled up inside. When you do get an outlet to talk about this stuff it does just pour out. It is better to release it all if you can Tammy there is absolutely zero shame in it. Sometimes it just pours out of me on an evening alone totally out of the blue and I can weep for hours (I have a friend I met on Susans who usually gets the rough end of my outbusts the poor thing!). I always feel so much better afterwards though. It is far too much to bottle up and keep to yourself, dont stop posting and sharing if it helps you Tammy.

If you don't mind me asking though, why the self loathing?

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 14, 2026, 08:29:39 AMI will say that I do NOT feel comfortable at all when I hear a snicker or a see a perceived held back laugh or hear unpleasant transgender comments that are clearly made to make fun of transgender folk or when I notice these in person. 

I am not ashamed though.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Who would feel comfortable Chrissy? I'm glad you do not feel ashamed as there is absolutely nothing to ashamed about. Those who are making those comments are the ones who should be ashamed.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 08:32:52 AMIf it makes you feel any better, except for one therapist I have not told a soul bar my mother and, while supportive, she doesn't really understand what it is to be trans. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff and I know what it is like to have it all bottled up inside. When you do get an outlet to talk about this stuff it does just pour out. It is better to release it all if you can Tammy there is absolutely zero shame in it. Sometimes it just pours out of me on an evening alone totally out of the blue and I can weep for hours (I have a friend I met on Susans who usually gets the rough end of my outbusts the poor thing!). I always feel so much better afterwards though. It is far too much to bottle up and keep to yourself, dont stop posting and sharing if it helps you Tammy.

If you don't mind me asking though, why the self loathing?

I am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 12:43:12 PMI am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

Tammy, you are NOT pathetic and if your family is embarrassed then that is their problem and the shame is on them for making you feel like this.

You can try to bottle this up but anyone here will tell you the feelings you have will never go away. To quote the Borg, "resistance is futile!". I know it's hard and I know I am being hypocritical as someone who is still in the closet but it takes immense courage and bravery to take the first steps on the road to transition, there is nothing pathetic about that honey. I'm not pathetic and nobody else here is either.

I'm sorry if I've missed this but have you started HRT? If so your emotions will be all over the place at the start. You will get better control of them as you progress.

Concentrate on work for now and let it distract you if you can.

I started HRT the completely wrong way 12 or 13 years ago (DIY, I am still on it but I will be switching to FOLX this week). I do not recommend doing that. I have hidden the changes for a long time but I am cracking under the pressure. I started it when I was 40 because time was slipping away.

I messed with my schedule a month ago now, i hate how much i have to get up to pee every night, and that sent me spiraling. I did mess up Saturday and tool my spiro instead of my estrogen. I wonder if some of my depression was that but one mistake shouldn't cause that.

So I have known since I was 5 that I was different and tried to come out in my 20's but didn't so this has been a life long thing. That is the short version.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 12:43:12 PMI am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

So sad to hear you're hating upon yourself, thats always tough as its all consuming at times. It can be really hard to let go of beliefs and ways of thinking that started so young as they've just become your default position, even though you are doing so much great stuff to move forwards with your transition. But the worst is knowing the feelings are irrational, but still being helpless to stop them. All i can say is keep fighting, keep getting back up, because this journey is yours and your way. You'll get there and become the person you want to be. Sending love and hugs 😻

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 02:40:46 PMI started HRT the completely wrong way 12 or 13 years ago (DIY, I am still on it but I will be switching to FOLX this week). I do not recommend doing that. I have hidden the changes for a long time but I am cracking under the pressure. I started it when I was 40 because time was slipping away.

I messed with my schedule a month ago now, i hate how much i have to get up to pee every night, and that sent me spiraling. I did mess up Saturday and tool my spiro instead of my estrogen. I wonder if some of my depression was that but one mistake shouldn't cause that.

So I have known since I was 5 that I was different and tried to come out in my 20's but didn't so this has been a life long thing. That is the short version.

Holy crapola are you me Tammy? That description is practically a carbon copy of my transition so far (minus the peeing lol) I also knew from year dot that I was supposed to be a girl but I didn't realy understand that other people were like me until I was in my late teens and didn't think it was possible to transition successfully until mid-to late twentys.

I don't discuss it on here as I don't want anyone else to get any ideas but I have been doing HRT DIY myself. Like you I reached my 40's and thought I need to do this or I will loose the chance. I stop started HRT all through my early and mid 40's before I started continuous for the last 3-4 years. I have had depression (2 breakdowns in fact) but mine was work related.

I hide my transition which should be nigh on impossible with 44E boobs but somehow I get away with it. I am on a mission to slim down now and I won't be able to say "oh they are just moobs" soon.

I have mapped out a plan for the next year starting as soon as I get moved into my new home. Step one is to get off DIY and onto structured supervised treatment. That means paying privately in the UK as the waiting times for the NHS are absurd. I have the money in place now so should be doing this as soon as I get moved into my new house.

You are not alone Tammy. I am in a very similar position as you and I am not pathetic, I am not ashamed and neither should you be. Getting off DIY and onto supervised care will be the best first step both of us need to take and we should both do it as soon as possible.

Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk off the boards.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 03:17:54 PMHoly crapola are you me Tammy? That description is practically a carbon copy of my transition so far (minus the peeing lol) I also knew from year dot that I was supposed to be a girl but I didn't realy understand that other people were like me until I was in my late teens and didn't think it was possible to transition successfully until mid-to late twentys.

I don't discuss it on here as I don't want anyone else to get any ideas but I have been doing HRT DIY myself. Like you I reached my 40's and thought I need to do this or I will loose the chance. I stop started HRT all through my early and mid 40's before I started continuous for the last 3-4 years. I have had depression (2 breakdowns in fact) but mine was work related.

I hide my transition which should be nigh on impossible with 44E boobs but somehow I get away with it. I am on a mission to slim down now and I won't be able to say "oh they are just moobs" soon.

I have mapped out a plan for the next year starting as soon as I get moved into my new home. Step one is to get off DIY and onto structured supervised treatment. That means paying privately in the UK as the waiting times for the NHS are absurd. I have the money in place now so should be doing this as soon as I get moved into my new house.

You are not alone Tammy. I am in a very similar position as you and I am not pathetic, I am not ashamed and neither should you be. Getting off DIY and onto supervised care will be the best first step both of us need to take and we should both do it as soon as possible.

Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk off the boards.

I said the same thing we are early similar. I thought we were twins but I am a C on a good day. I have a plan too but mine starts in 2028, there is a financial goal I need to get to for my plan to work. That is when I will be transitioning and moving hopefully to my new home in Colorado, me and my Jeep Meeps will be heading out on a new adventure.

My therapist is telling that I may need to act sooner though do to my current issues. She keeps asking am I sure that I can wait that long and I am not sure I can so we will see how it goes. I get overwhelmed with everything that needs to happen between then and now and that is not helpful.

Again I appreciate all of the support from everyone you all are so wonderful that I can't put it into words.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 03:47:26 PMI said the same thing we are early similar. I thought we were twins but I am a C on a good day. I have a plan too but mine starts in 2028, there is a financial goal I need to get to for my plan to work. That is when I will be transitioning and moving hopefully to my new home in Colorado, me and my Jeep Meeps will be heading out on a new adventure.

My therapist is telling that I may need to act sooner though do to my current issues. She keeps asking am I sure that I can wait that long and I am not sure I can so we will see how it goes. I get overwhelmed with everything that needs to happen between then and now and that is not helpful.

Again I appreciate all of the support from everyone you all are so wonderful that I can't put it into words.

Sorry if you are already aware but you do know you can be on structured supervised HRT while still in the closet don't you Tammy? I realise the US health system is very different to the UK and if you don't have insurance that can be a block but if you have the means you can tread the path that makes you the most comfortable. You don't automatically have to come out of the closet when you get that formal diagnosis and treatment.

Quote from: tammy753 on May 28, 2026, 09:54:52 AMHi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

Hey, do you live in my town? LOL

Seriously, I dealt with exactly the same thing. I still do. But, walking around with an 'buzz off' attitude helps a lot. Wanna hear something funny? My bigoted family members say that I have "so much hate". LOL YES! Because of you and people like you. How they don't see it is absurd. But they also drop n-bombs and other crap all of the time.

I even heard my mom use the slur 'it' during a recent talk. I just slotted that away in my brain for later. Some people will always let you down.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 04:04:22 PMSorry if you are already aware but you do know you can be on structured supervised HRT while still in the closet don't you Tammy? I realise the US health system is very different to the UK and if you don't have insurance that can be a block but if you have the means you can tread the path that makes you the most comfortable. You don't automatically have to come out of the closet when you get that formal diagnosis and treatment.

LOL I just signed up for FOLX so I am finally doing it. I feel a little scared and extremely happy at the same time. I  will let you know if it works out but to be officially on structures HRT is exciting to me. I don't have anyone else to share this news with so you all are who I am telling. Also scheduled an appointment for my antidepressants just now. So time to get going I guess.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 14, 2026, 04:16:24 PMHey, do you live in my town? LOL

Seriously, I dealt with exactly the same thing. I still do. But, walking around with an 'buzz off' attitude helps a lot. Wanna hear something funny? My bigoted family members say that I have "so much hate". LOL YES! Because of you and people like you. How they don't see it is absurd. But they also drop n-bombs and other crap all of the time.

I even heard my mom use the slur 'it' during a recent talk. I just slotted that away in my brain for later. Some people will always let you down.

Yeah living is Rural America where everyone thinks you are like them is an experience. I have heard so much hate toward every minority, every slur, and anything else you can image living here. The ones that are the worst for me are from people you respect then they go off on their hateful rant.

Well I have no idea what FOLX is but it sounds like you're on the right path there and putting me to shame ha ha! I'm delighted for you Tammy.

I'll be interested to see how it works out so do share if you feel able yeah.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 04:53:01 PMLOL I just signed up for FOLX so I am finally doing it. I feel a little scared and extremely happy at the same time. I  will let you know if it works out but to be officially on structures HRT is exciting to me. I don't have anyone else to share this news with so you all are who I am telling. Also scheduled an appointment for my antidepressants just now. So time to get going I guess.


Yeah living is Rural America where everyone thinks you are like them is an experience. I have heard so much hate toward every minority, every slur, and anything else you can image living here. The ones that are the worst for me are from people you respect then they go off on their hateful rant.

Yeah, I HATE living in my small town. I want to move out of state and go to Cincinnati. I feel so much more at home out there. But, from what I have researched, their trans care is shaky at best. But I don't know if anything changed. Plus, with the stupid "BBB" coming up, I don't know if trying to pull up stakes this year is a good idea or not. BUT, my friend out there is on the verge of needing to move, and we did bring up the idea of moving in together.....somewhere. We just need to see what we need to make this work.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 14, 2026, 04:57:58 PMWell I have no idea what FOLX is but it sounds like you're on the right path there and putting me to shame ha ha! I'm delighted for you Tammy.

I'll be interested to see how it works out so do share if you feel able yeah.

FOLX is a service in the US that provides HRT prescription and other services for Trans and non-binary people. I don't know if its available where you are. It similar to Plume but takes insurance.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 14, 2026, 05:02:07 PMYeah, I HATE living in my small town. I want to move out of state and go to Cincinnati. I feel so much more at home out there. But, from what I have researched, their trans care is shaky at best. But I don't know if anything changed. Plus, with the stupid "BBB" coming up, I don't know if trying to pull up stakes this year is a good idea or not. BUT, my friend out there is on the verge of needing to move, and we did bring up the idea of moving in together.....somewhere. We just need to see what we need to make this work.

I am scared of the direction Ohio is taking in everything that's why I am looking to get out. If I was going to stay in Ohio I would look at Cleveland. That is my fall back if I have to stay at my current job but I have already decided to leave it in 2028.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 05:06:07 PMFOLX is a service in the US that provides HRT prescription and other services for Trans and non-binary people. I don't know if its available where you are. It similar to Plume but takes insurance.

No, different country Tammy, I'm in the UK. We have our own health system.

I'm so happy for you though Tammy. You are doing the right thing.

Oh that's right you don't have to worry about an illness bankrupting you or deciding if the cost of treatment means having to work 10 more years.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 08:09:51 PMOh that's right you don't have to worry about an illness bankrupting you or deciding if the cost of treatment means having to work 10 more years.

No we don't have to worry about that but we do have a looooong waiting list to be seen. My current NHS trust list is 6.5 YEARS long! No option for us but to go private realistically however, we can sign up for shared care agreements which means (if the GP agrees) that the prescription costs are picked up by the NHS. I can then use that money for private diagnosis, referrals, endo appointments, orchie, hair transplants, vocal therapy and electrolysis ha ha! easy peasy 😬 I will also register for the gender treatment on NHS and start saving, average wait time for surgery is looking like 8 years or so but then it will be free, if I've managed to save up the funds before then I will go private but if not there is the certainty that i can get it for free.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 15, 2026, 01:38:11 AMNo we don't have to worry about that but we do have a looooong waiting list to be seen. My current NHS trust list is 6.5 YEARS long! No option for us but to go private realistically however, we can sign up for shared care agreements which means (if the GP agrees) that the prescription costs are picked up by the NHS. I can then use that money for private diagnosis, referrals, endo appointments, orchie, hair transplants, vocal therapy and electrolysis ha ha! easy peasy 😬 I will also register for the gender treatment on NHS and start saving, average wait time for surgery is looking like 8 years or so but then it will be free, if I've managed to save up the funds before then I will go private but if not there is the certainty that i can get it for free.

Thanks, Sharon! 🤣

Quote from: tammy753 on July 15, 2026, 09:57:43 AMThanks, Sharon! 🤣

Oi, not you n'all! What the hell's going on in this place has there been a let's all pick on Sarah memo going round 🤣🤣

Wait, you changed your name to Sharon? Nobody told me! 😀

Quote from: Devlyn on July 15, 2026, 10:45:14 AMWait, you changed your name to Sharon? Nobody told me! 😀

Pack it in you!

So I got my prescription!!! The Pharmacy I sent it to is closed... I have to wait until tomorrow.


I am scared I will get hassled at the pharmacy but all I can do is try.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 15, 2026, 07:13:15 PMSo I got my prescription!!! The Pharmacy I sent it to is closed... I have to wait until tomorrow.


I am scared I will get hassled at the pharmacy but all I can do is try.

Your pharmacy isn't open 24 hours?

I just remembered something from back in the day: When I was using another pharmacy, they had a note inside that had been typed up, and it said something about "Estrogen - Females only". I had to pay for it.  4 bucks. I didn't care. I asked about the stupid note, and they said that they were required to do it. I gave them a total death glare. I told them, quite firmly, to NEVER give me a note like that again. It stopped. I stayed with them until the K-Mart it was in closed down.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 15, 2026, 07:53:49 PMYour pharmacy isn't open 24 hours?

No...Dang it!

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 15, 2026, 07:53:49 PMI gave them a total death glare. I told them, quite firmly, to NEVER give me a note like that again.

Heh-heh!  😁  Proper way to handle that!

I have my Prescriptions...It was so easy why did I keep doing DIY for so long. One 30 minute meeting with a doctor and a trip to the pharmacy. And my insurance paid for 100% of the prescription.

My imagination was way worse than reality this time.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 16, 2026, 11:37:00 AMMy imagination was way worse than reality this time.

That is so often the way it is.  Way to go! 

90% of the things we worry about never happen.

Congratulations!

Yeah I have a very vivid imagination, the pharmacist was super nice and so was the Doctor. I thought of all the worst possible thing that could happen.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 14, 2026, 08:09:51 PMOh that's right you don't have to worry about an illness bankrupting you or deciding if the cost of treatment means having to work 10 more years.

No, hopefully one day you won't either. It's nice to call an ambulance without a bank loan. :P

Tammy, I hope you are going OK

You talked about shame a lot. I never felt shame just embarrassment.

It's really dumb. I didn't choose my life it just was/is

I get embarrassed every time I go out as me. But if I can steady myself, I can get through it.

Today a young guy and two girls walked past me chanting "gay, gay, gay" under there breath so that I was the only person who could hear it.

I am ashamed that I didn't react but I was on my phone.  I'm not gay but I know so many people who are. WTF does that matter.

I should have stopped them and stood in their faces and said can't you tell the difference between someone who is trans and someone who is gay?

Then gone on to say but how do you know if someone is straight or gay. Or even male or female or in between.   

Quote from: Petunia on July 30, 2026, 04:51:01 AMTammy, I hope you are going OK

You talked about shame a lot. I never felt shame just embarrassment.

It's really dumb. I didn't choose my life it just was/is

I get embarrassed every time I go out as me. But if I can steady myself, I can get through it.

Today a young guy and two girls walked past me chanting "gay, gay, gay" under there breath so that I was the only person who could hear it.

I am ashamed that I didn't react but I was on my phone.  I'm not gay but I know so many people who are. WTF does that matter.

I should have stopped them and stood in their faces and said can't you tell the difference between someone who is trans and someone who is gay?

Then gone on to say but how do you know if someone is straight or gay. Or even male or female or in between.   

To be honest petunia, It's pointless confronting them it will just encourage them if they think they've hit a nerve. Morons.

Consider taking the safest possible action, which includes ignoring, when possible.

Quote from: Petunia on July 30, 2026, 04:51:01 AMTammy, I hope you are going OK

You talked about shame a lot. I never felt shame just embarrassment.

It's really dumb. I didn't choose my life it just was/is

I get embarrassed every time I go out as me. But if I can steady myself, I can get through it.

Today a young guy and two girls walked past me chanting "gay, gay, gay" under there breath so that I was the only person who could hear it.

I am ashamed that I didn't react but I was on my phone.  I'm not gay but I know so many people who are. WTF does that matter.

I should have stopped them and stood in their faces and said can't you tell the difference between someone who is trans and someone who is gay?

Then gone on to say but how do you know if someone is straight or gay. Or even male or female or in between.   

I am dealing with the same now in therapy. My therapist did get me on an antidepressant and then took a week off so I might have been too much for her!??! I have a plan right now to start Electrolysis in October. I need to work on my Agoraphobia and be ready to start living as Tammy when not working. This will be a rough few months but I am trying to brave it out. I figure it will be increasingly hard to hide all the changes in the spring and by summer it will be impossible. I am planning to move to a new state in 2028 and that will be a fresh start for me. Its a lot but I am excited\scared. I know that the next year may be filled with people being terrible to me but I honestly don't expect much else these days. Wow a long rambling post sorry.

Quote from: Petunia on July 30, 2026, 04:51:01 AMTammy, I hope you are going OK

You talked about shame a lot. I never felt shame just embarrassment.

It's really dumb. I didn't choose my life it just was/is

I get embarrassed every time I go out as me. But if I can steady myself, I can get through it.

Today a young guy and two girls walked past me chanting "gay, gay, gay" under there breath so that I was the only person who could hear it.

I am ashamed that I didn't react but I was on my phone.  I'm not gay but I know so many people who are. WTF does that matter.

I should have stopped them and stood in their faces and said can't you tell the difference between someone who is trans and someone who is gay?

Then gone on to say but how do you know if someone is straight or gay. Or even male or female or in between.   

Please try not to get embarrassed, its them that should be. I can tell you from nearly 30 years experience of this the best bet is to just walk past and pretend they don't exist. It is hard sometimes I know as many times I've bitten, but nothing changes. The kids I kinda brush off because they still need to learn, but adults that's harder to swallow. Please keep being you because that is the best thing ever and you are amazing for being able to do that.

Charlotte X

Quote from: tammy753 on July 30, 2026, 06:56:54 AMI am dealing with the same now in therapy. My therapist did get me on an antidepressant and then took a week off so I might have been too much for her!??! I have a plan right now to start Electrolysis in October. I need to work on my Agoraphobia and be ready to start living as Tammy when not working. This will be a rough few months but I am trying to brave it out. I figure it will be increasingly hard to hide all the changes in the spring and by summer it will be impossible. I am planning to move to a new state in 2028 and that will be a fresh start for me. Its a lot but I am excited\scared. I know that the next year may be filled with people being terrible to me but I honestly don't expect much else these days. Wow a long rambling post sorry.

You and me both Tammy. It will be a year of change for the two of us. It's nice to know someone else is on a similar timeline as me. If you are definitely moving in 2028 I would try to get everything done so when you move, you move as Tammy. It would be nice to just move and make a clean break but that's not on the cards for me, I'm not as brave as you.

I think it might be October before I start electrolysis too, we might be getting zapped at the same time! What's your natural hair colour Tammy? Is laser not an option? I'm strawberry blonde with honey blonde highlights and copper undertones! This means my facial hair pops out blonde then once it gets a few mm on it it turns copper red. If I grew a beard it would be a blend of blonde and red so I have diddly squat chance of laser working! Nothing is ever easy with my stupid body ha ha!

What else have you got planned for your year?

Its brown but now its gray and brown so my facial hair is too light for laser. I need to do voice training, lose weight, find a new job, tell my family and find a new place. so the next 18 months seems like a lot needs done.

I went through a number of jobs since starting my journey.  I wish you the best of results.

Quote from: Petunia on July 30, 2026, 04:51:01 AMTammy, I hope you are going OK

You talked about shame a lot. I never felt shame just embarrassment.

It's really dumb. I didn't choose my life it just was/is

I get embarrassed every time I go out as me. But if I can steady myself, I can get through it.

Today a young guy and two girls walked past me chanting "gay, gay, gay" under there breath so that I was the only person who could hear it.

I am ashamed that I didn't react but I was on my phone.  I'm not gay but I know so many people who are. WTF does that matter.

I should have stopped them and stood in their faces and said can't you tell the difference between someone who is trans and someone who is gay?

Then gone on to say but how do you know if someone is straight or gay. Or even male or female or in between.   

I think there are many people think that gay people and transgender people whom they perceive to be males are about the same, all mixed up in their head, AND perhaps they are all gay in reality.  I think many think that many are gay men that dress femininely to attract men. 

So the people that were near you may be part of the group that believe this way.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 30, 2026, 01:06:54 PMI think there are many people think that gay people and transgender people whom they perceive to be males are about the same, all mixed up in their head, AND perhaps they are all gay in reality.  I think many think that many are gay men that dress femininely to attract men.

I think you are correct about this.

I wouldn't even credit them with thinking. Its simply learnt slurs and hatred to anyone that they deem part of the lgbt community. Gay to them is a broad term for queer / lgbt. Best thing - take it literally- you're happy and proud of your lgbt/gay association (well I hope so). It just shows their limited cognitive capability to construct a slur that actually hits hard!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on July 30, 2026, 01:52:25 PMI wouldn't even credit them with thinking. Its simply learnt slurs and hatred to anyone that they deem part of the lgbt community. Gay to them is a broad term for queer / lgbt. Best thing - take it literally- you're happy and proud of your lgbt/gay association (well I hope so). It just shows their limited cognitive capability to construct a slur that actually hits hard!

There are many unkind people.  There are also many very nice people.
We can decide which to be.

I've had guys ask me if I am gay.

My response to anything they say is: No, why? Are you hitting on me?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 30, 2026, 11:16:38 AMI think it might be October before I start electrolysis too, we might be getting zapped at the same time! What's your natural hair colour Tammy? Is laser not an option? I'm strawberry blonde with honey blonde highlights and copper undertones! This means my facial hair pops out blonde then once it gets a few mm on it it turns copper red. If I grew a beard it would be a blend of blonde and red so I have diddly squat chance of laser working! Nothing is ever easy with my stupid body ha ha!

Laser wouldn't work on me. They told me that. I did electro in another area, and the chick who did it was super cool. But she was a few counties away, and it was difficult after a while since I can't drive (safer for me and the public at large). So, I had to rely on my mother to take me back and forth. The scheduling conflicts got to be too much. So, I had to look elsewhere.

I found a local tech. But her equipment looked like it was from the 70s and her quality of work was crap. I went three or four times. I had pits in my face and whatnot. I just gave up on it.

After I had the orchi, that helped with things a LOT. However, shaving will just have to be a necessary evil. I've learned to accept it. 90% of the time, I don't care at all. But maybe the other 10% is influenced by current events.  I will say, though, that it makes it so much easier and I have zero razor burn now.

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 30, 2026, 02:23:43 PMI've had guys ask me if I am gay.

My response to anything they say is: No, why? Are you hitting on me?

Were they?

Quote from: tammy753 on July 30, 2026, 12:03:16 PMIts brown but now its gray and brown so my facial hair is too light for laser. I need to do voice training, lose weight, find a new job, tell my family and find a new place. so the next 18 months seems like a lot needs done.

Voice training, electrolysis, loose weight and orchie are my goals this year. My job I'm really happy with.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 30, 2026, 02:57:40 PMWere they?

No. They were homophobes. They were disgusted that I would think so. Taught them a lesson, though.

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 30, 2026, 02:23:43 PMI've had guys ask me if I am gay.

My response to anything they say is: No, why? Are you hitting on me?

I'll use this as opportunity to explain the difference between gender and sexual orientation.

This reminded me of something. I'll put it here instead of the blog thread.

I had this genius🙄 who lived downstairs from me. I was bringing groceries upstairs, and his door opened. I don't know if this dude was just shirtless or something more. But I could see his bare shoulder. As I set the groceries down and began to unlock my door, he says: "Hey, can I ask you a question?" I look down the stairs and say: "Yeah, sure". He says: "Can I have sex with you?" I was stunned. I replied: "Excuse me???" and the dork repeated the question.

I replied. "Nah. That's fine, dude. I like women, man." He says: "Oh....well, I won't talk to you anymore. I'm sorry." I said nothing, walked inside, set my groceries down, and died laughing. I had to make a quick bathroom stop before I got the second batch of groceries because I was on the verge of wetting myself from laughing so hard.

Once I got outside, I LOST IT. LMFAO! My mom asked me: "What's so funny?" I grabbed the rest of the groceries and said I would call her once I put everything away.

Once I called her and  told her about this, she asked me: "Is he gay?" I resumed laughing and replied: "Oh, for *bleeps* sake. That's not how it is for trans chicks, and I would rather be a lesbian anyway." That made her uncomfortable because she's a bigot. Not that I gave a crap.

They still don't get it after almost 20 years. Whatever, dude. That's their ignorance to deal with.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on July 30, 2026, 01:52:25 PMI wouldn't even credit them with thinking. Its simply learnt slurs and hatred to anyone that they deem part of the lgbt community. Gay to them is a broad term for queer / lgbt. Best thing - take it literally- you're happy and proud of your lgbt/gay association (well I hope so). It just shows their limited cognitive capability to construct a slur that actually hits hard!

Oh please don't take my comment the wrong way.

I am embarrassed by myself because of the way I look and the fact I haven't looked after myself.

I don't feel like I'm part of the community but I know so many gay people and they are really great and close friends.

If any of them had have been the target I would have really stood up to it.

I have seen people like this and how they are so tough in a group. The guy was obviously leading it. It was in full daylight with a lot of people around, I should have singled him out and asked him to explain himself.

Anyone who is that homophobic is probably trying to hide suppressed gay tendancies.

I don't want to make myself a target but with the way the world is, I have to stand up at times like these.

I hope this makes sense     

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 30, 2026, 04:57:21 PMThis reminded me of something. I'll put it here instead of the blog thread.

I had this genius🙄 who lived downstairs from me. I was bringing groceries upstairs, and his door opened. I don't know if this dude was just shirtless or something more. But I could see his bare shoulder. As I set the groceries down and began to unlock my door, he says: "Hey, can I ask you a question?" I look down the stairs and say: "Yeah, sure". He says: "Can I have sex with you?" I was stunned. I replied: "Excuse me???" and the dork repeated the question.

I replied. "Nah. That's fine, dude. I like women, man." He says: "Oh....well, I won't talk to you anymore. I'm sorry." I said nothing, walked inside, set my groceries down, and died laughing. I had to make a quick bathroom stop before I got the second batch of groceries because I was on the verge of wetting myself from laughing so hard.

Once I got outside, I LOST IT. LMFAO! My mom asked me: "What's so funny?" I grabbed the rest of the groceries and said I would call her once I put everything away.

Once I called her and  told her about this, she asked me: "Is he gay?" I resumed laughing and replied: "Oh, for *bleeps* sake. That's not how it is for trans chicks, and I would rather be a lesbian anyway." That made her uncomfortable because she's a bigot. Not that I gave a crap.

They still don't get it after almost 20 years. Whatever, dude. That's their ignorance to deal with.

I think you showed incredible resolve to withstand such a wonderfully poetic and romantic approach like that. He sounded like a regular cassanova! I think I would have been weak at the knees😂

I have mentioned on other threads that my sexuality has changed, I am interested in men and women now but primarily men. I do not remotely consider that to be gay, I consider it to be bicurious heterosexual female though I don't really like pigeon holing myself like that.