Susan's Place Transgender Resources

'I Was Raped' Should Horrify -- But Our Culture Has Stripped the Word of Its Power
By Mikki Halpin, AlterNet. Posted April 29, 2009.

http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/138667/%22i_was_raped%22_should_horrify_--_but_our_culture_has_stripped_the_word_of_its_power/ (http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/138667/%22i_was_raped%22_should_horrify_--_but_our_culture_has_stripped_the_word_of_its_power/)


In a video on the New York Times Web site, the young actor Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night 
Lights describes bombing an audition as "being 
raped."

"Raped in pilot season!" he says ruefully, almost nostalgically, while shaking his head and smiling at the camera. "It was so bad."

Clearly this was not a fun experience for Kitsch, and you feel for him. Doing badly 
on an audition sucks. But it does not suck as much as sexual assault, something that happens every two minutes in America.

The word "rape," which my dictionary defines as "The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse," is experiencing a dangerous shift in meaning.*




I like the essay and agree with many of her points. Language definitely becomes cliched and loses much of it's force when the power of words is diluted by overuse and variation in meanings from the horrific and terrifying to the merely uncomfortable.

The end discussion of the Western Carolina Univ. study about sexist language is very interesting, if not particularly surprising.

What do you think?

Nichole

Sigh.  As they have done to so many words before.

I wince every time someone uses the word "rape" as casually as this.  Then I get angry.

I think I'd like you to delete this entire thread.

Some of us victims aren't quite over it as others.

Sure I know a lot of people toss the term around.

It doesn't mean I have to be reading about it on a place I come to chill out and relax.

It should horrify and it has been diluted by the casual use of it, I think. I cringe every time I read or hear a casual use of that word. Surviving sexual assault has no equivalent. Annwyn, I don't think anyone gets over it completely. But don't you think it's important to talk about saving that word for that particular experience and not trivializing it?

There's a line in the World According to Garp, where a character is sexually assaulted, where they talk about "getting the you in you". No crime comes close to the capability to do that, except sexual assault. People feel violated when their trust is taken advantage of in a fraud, or where their home is invaded in a B&E, but that is a pale comparison to the effects of sexual assault. And there I am, through this entire post, using a euphemism for rape. I think the word rape should retain the power it has had. There is no crime comparable.

Dennis

I'm a bit with Annwynn,
It's been close to 39 years since they degraded me. I'm stronger now. But I still feel, smell and suffer everytime I read about R.

I think I had regressed it. But being on this site and meeting people who have also suffered brings it home again. I'm starting to hear their voices and cheers again. Why would anyone want to do this?
I'm so sorry I am going to have to post this. Please other R victims be aware and turn off the post.

I was sixteen, far too gorgeous to be male. I'd come out to my folks at 13, and as many of you know that didn't go down well. I was, and still am the same size as my elder sister. My folks were away. There was a local disco. So I went as Cindy. Looked good. Felt good. Didn't know anyone. Had a great time dancing, talked to some girls, they (I think didn't pick me).  I was about 5' 5" had no facial hair. Had long hair to my shoulder blades. I reckon I was really happy. I was dancing with a group of girls, as you did. handbags on the floor in the middle of the circle. Talking about the guys and generally being girls. A guy every now and again would come over and take a dance. They were basically all drunk. We'd check them out. I got a guy taking me for a dance. Next thing his tongue was down my throat. I tried so hard to get away. I could see the girls laughing.  His hands were between my legs and I was being carried out side.
His friends where there.
I went to Hell

Sorry
Brought back a lot.

Most of all I remember sitting in ER. My bottom so sore. I was ripped. My jaw was dislocated. I remember people laughing.
It may not be at me. I was going to change the tense but that would be wrong.

I just remember the laughter.

I couldn't tell anyone, at least not my parents. I told my sister. I didn't prosecute. How could I. And it was a time when TGs didn't count.


I haven't followed the site mentioned that began the web.
This is the first time I have told my story.
Thank You

Cindy JAmes

Truly sorry to hear your stories Cindy and Annwyn...

It's never happened to me but I've met many women who it has happened to, some of them very close to me.

A Big Hug to you both and much love :)

Cindy and Annwyn, I'm sorry you've both had your experiences. They are not experiences that anyone should have.

But, in fact, your experiences are why the dilution and j/k transformation of the word IS an important aspect of our lives.

I am a survivor as well and have written here and in other places about that.

Cindy, I hope you can find some support group and rape counseling group in which to tell your story. There's no need at all to be alone and in some places the unusual arrangement of your history will not be a hindrance to your finding a group of others who have survived rape and sexual assault and have the memories.

Ann, if you have not gotten some support for your rape do so.

The one most terrible part of the aftermath is that women do not find ways: for reasons of embarassment, fear, resignation, etc to do the work of healing. Instead we, perhaps especially women who transsex, keep the memory bottled within where what it does is recapitulate over and over again the original outrage.

The answer to your pain is not to ignore it and hope that eventually it will disappear. I can assure you it won't. It didn't for me. It doesn't seem to for anyone. But, I can also assure you both that being able to talk to other women, other women who had similar experiences, about my experience and about my feeling was the thing that finally allowed me to realize that what I had done before (keeping it locked inside with my fear and anger and shame) was the absolute worst response I could have.

When I was able to share and hear, able to get counseling from other survivors who had discovered that rape doesn't have to be the end of a life, but can become, in its own terrible way, a new beginning, then I was able to start the road to the end of terror-dreams and waking dreams and both concious and unconcious fear.

Not talking about it, not ever discussing it, not ever finding some healing from it, is going to mean that you both and others walk about as living testimonies to the your perps. You will allow them to continue their rapes through time, and thus continue to control your life.

The way to lose our struggles is to never speak them.

I'm sorry if you both are troubled by the piece. But, its, imo, an important piece, and silence is never the answer to violence and personal degradation of another human being. Through our stories we can become strong.

Nichole

I know a woman who has been raped three times.  The last time was by her own son.  And she is not pressing charges.  I can understand the shame and humiliation that she feels and, while it is her decision, I don't understand why she would not wish to see this repeat rapist behind bars.

I am sorry for both of you, Toni and Cindy, for being violated in such a horrible way.  I could not even imagine what I would do.  It sickens me to think of such actions being perpetrated upon anyone.

Janet

Quote from: Nichole on April 30, 2009, 07:34:27 AM

Toni, if you have not gotten some support for your rape do so.

I refuse.

I'd prefer to focus my energy and time continually living my life.  It's happened to my way too many times and I've come to accept that I'm the problem, somehow, it's just me.  Either way, I'm not going to sit down and spill the beans to some stupid person who's only there because I'm paying him/her to be there when I COULD be doing things like studying and working and chilling out and GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE.

It'll stay nightmares.

It doesn't need to pop up on these forums though, not like that at least.  Just like topics about severe self mutilation don't need to pop up, it's too much of a trigger.

It's completely selfish on my part, but it's not something i take pleasure in discussing and I definitely do not enjoy reminders.

---

Post Merge: April 30, 2009, 10:32:44 AM

---

Following back up on it, it happened early in 07 from one of my best friends, somehow I forgave her and we're still best friends to this day.  She's on my top friends on myspace, believe it or not, but it took some real hard roads to get through that mess of her putting crap in my drink.  It'd happened throughout my childhood.
I had an experience last year just RUNNING where I was vehemently overcome with rage that I thought I killed the assaulters, I posted a thread about it.

November.  By a drunk marine I thought was my best friend.
January.  Pill in drink, emptied mace onto the mofos face.
March.  Pressed full charges got his wife to side with me so it's a mutual case of both rape and abuse.

It almost happened two weeks ago, I was followed home from work and told my brother to get my gun out as soon as we were home.  Dude parked in front of my house and came out, my brother thought I was kidding until I started screaming at him to get out there.  The dude had that look.  James came out with the shotgun and the dude looked indecisive, it wasn't until I grabbed it and loaded the chamber that the guy got into his car and drove away.  Calmly, that's what creeps me out.  Pointing an 8 gauge short 22 inch barreled shotgun at the creeps face didn't seem to be anything but a MINOR deterant.  So now I'm a full goddam believer of gun ownership.  I don't care if I have to kill someone to stop it from happening to me again, but it can't.  I'm a strong woman.  I want to be in control.  I know I'm somewhat easy, it's something I'm ashamed of.  That's what pisses me off even more: if they'd wanted to get off that badly they could have just taken me on a few dates and made the right moves and said the right things.  Instead they just shattered my pride and my control I like to put over every situation.  I look at it as a failure on my part that even though I did everything I possibly could, they used either drugs or brute force over me instead of simply trying the way normal people do.  If getting off meant that much to them... I don't even understand.  there's whores on every street in every city of the country, they could have just thrown a 20 at someone and gotten what they wanted.

This is why: every single time it happened my own self worth felt lowered.  I felt as if the meaning of intimacy had lost its value, and not only that but what I had to offer to the person I wanted to be with was even more damaged.  Then, I got even more comfortable with letting myself get taken advantage of.  My last, "fling" somehow ended up letting the man wrap his fingers aroudn my throat and I LET him at the time, until I broke down later because well, I could barely decipher the difference between what we had just done and a rape that occurred to me in November.

So what I'll do is I'll just push my standards for self defense up and keep my distance even further away.  I've gotten to the point to where I'd rather reconnect with old friends I haven't spoken to for a few years than meet new people.

Either way, therapy isn't going to do crap but expose you to someone looking to turn a profit, or if you go to one of those stupid groups it'll just expose you to the weakness of other people and drag you down even further.

The only thing to do is hold your head up high and get-over-it.

The only thing to do is hold your head up high and get-over-it.

It may seem the only way, but, as I discovered in my own life, that is, finally, the path of despair and ruin.

I wasn't suggesting therapy, at least not the variety you imagine. Instead I was suggesting getting connected to other survivors, other women who've had the experience. I found that much more helpful than going through therapy. Leave the therapy, if you ever use that path, for after-the-fact of finding something that truly makes you supported and supporting: the companionship of others who've known the experience. Others in real-life, not on a board.

I don't expect you to hear that, Ann, not yet. But perhaps someday you will and discover that regardless the pain of allowing others to know, that the only way to heal will be allowing the pus and infection to be exposed to air and light.

Until then. :icon_hug:

Nichole

"The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse,"

Sounds to me like the author needs a new dictionary.

Why?

Quote from: Mr. Fox on April 30, 2009, 02:16:52 PM
Why?

I'm guessing this was to me.

Because not just women are raped, not just 'sexual intercourse' is rape.

... and if you'd read the article, you'd have come to the place that she gives the second definition, Mister. The one that says: "The unlawful compelling of a man through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." Dictionary meanings are generally given in the order in which their usage is most usually utilized.

There are usually things that we can pick apart if we make an attempt, things that do not agree with the ways in which we experience the world and other people.

The way one learns to understand more than herself, or himself, is to leave the technical correctness behind long enough to actually suspend my own views long enough to read or hear what the other is saying and how they are seeing the world.

I'm sure being able to find fault is a positive thing to many, our species has done that to the exclusion of all else in many regards for thousands of years. That it makes anything better or easier is very open to a lot of questions. In fact the history of our civilizations might even tend to make one believe that we don't nearly question ourselves and hear others and attempt to understand nearly enough.

Nichole

Then maybe people should learn to cut articles so that they don't appear to be skewed and biased.

Quote from: Mister on April 30, 2009, 02:29:19 PM
Then maybe people should learn to cut articles so that they don't appear to be skewed and biased.

How would anyone do that for you? You seem most adept at finding anything that might seem biased or skewed in your mind.

Generally actually reading past the point at which you find the first thing you think you disagree with will do the trick. That article was there in toto. Your reading was quite obviously not very thorough or you stopped at that first problem you had.

That is not the fault of the author, or of me in placing the entire article here. It was your mistake as a reader.

Nichole

Quote from: Nichole on April 30, 2009, 02:32:02 PM
How would anyone do that for you? You seem most adept at finding anything that might seem biased or skewed in your mind.

Generally actually reading past the point at which you find the first thing you think you disagree with will do the trick. That article was there in toto. Your reading was quite obviously not very thorough or you stopped at that first problem you had.

That is not the fault of the author, or of me in placing the entire article here. It was your mistake as a reader.

Nichole

I'm still not seeing how my point of the author needing a new dictionary is false.  If it reads
"The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse," it's time to get a dictionary that's not so horribly outdated.

and the reason you don't see is that you don't look. You stopped reading once you had your intellectual dagger in your hand, which was at that first definition. -- The dictionary isn't out-dated, your ability to go past you own niggles to the full article is the problem you "don't see."

The 2nd definition, as I told you above is "The unlawful compelling of a man through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." Dictionary definitions are normally given in terms of the most used modern terms first and go on through the least used terms. That's why you'll not see the abbreviation obs until the final entries under a word.

As I said, the problem was in the reader who chose not to read the entire article before coming forth with his objection. The article was there in full and had you continued past your "gotcha" feeling you'd have found that second entry for the word.

Nichole

No, Nichole, you just cannot take anything that I post without twisting it around into whatever your image of me is.  I'm looking at my dictionary right now and it doesn't use terms man/woman, it uses person.  The dictionary that was quoted from is outdated.  Period.  I don't need to read the article to substantiate a fact that's written in the first 100 words.

O, wait, I see now, you never read the article at all, only the first 200 words I had given in the post. :laugh: No wonder you don't see. This ain't "Reader's Digest." The articles posted here give a brief example of the first few lines of an article. They don't synopsize them so you needn't read the article. When you don't read the articles you don't have the knowledge to comment on them.

Nichole

---

Post Merge: April 30, 2009, 01:50:06 PM

---

I don't need to read the article to substantiate a fact that's written in the first 100 words.

Nope, no need to twist your words. You didn't read the article period. I think that gives us all we need to know. You can blame "outdated" dictionaries all you wish. But the fault still lies exactly where I said it does. In you as a reader. In this case the reader who didn't bother reading the article at all before deciding he had found a flaw.

I think I get that, Mister.

Nichole

Hi Nichole
As I stated in my first post I didn't and have not read the article. The title of the post awoke memories. I'm quite OK nowadays. I have in the past seen a psychologist and talked through the issues. Fortunately it was way before HIV was in the UK, or at least before it was widely spread, mu understanding is that case 1 was in Liverpool in the late 1950s. I also didn't contract any other STDs.

I really don't want to pollute your post particularly as I said I haven't read the article. But I have been very disturbed by the use of R as a "weapon of war". Particularly with that foul expression "ethnic cleansing".

Thank you for your kind words
Love Cindy James

In the last few weeks this topic has become something of a trigger to anger for me. Damn straight "I was raped" should horrify. I get so angry with people who disagree with that that I lost someone I thought was a good friend over it in the last few days.

There are two issues -- weakening the language and being sensitive. They're just different.

The argument ought to be (and the article fails to convey this) that using the word loosely can be upsetting to victims of the crime, something that is all the more important considering how many people are victims.

Instead the article talks about the meaning of the word and some hifalutin' linguistic nonsense. And it is nonsense -- "rape" has always had more than one meaning.

From the American Heritage College Dictionary, from Houghton Mifflin, published 2004:

Quote
rape¹
n. 1. The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, esp. sexual intercourse. 2. The act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction. 3. Abusive or improper treatment; violation.
tr. v. 1. To commit the crime of rape on. 2. To seize or carry off by force. 3. To plunder or pillage.
[ME <rapen, to rape <OFr. raper, to abduct < Lat. rapere, to seize.]

rape²
n. A European plant (Brassica napus) of the mustard family, cultivated as fodder and for its seed.
[ME < OFr. < Lat. rapa, pl. of rapum, turnip.]

rape³
n. The refuse of grapes left after the extraction of the juice in winemaking.
[Fr. rape, grape stalk < OFr. rasper, to scrape. See RASP]

Furthermore, we've always used language metaphorically. Sports teams are frequently trampled, mauled, slaughtered, even murdered. If someone says "The Cubs got murdered yesterday," does that really make it less shocking when someone says "My friend was murdered"? Does the fact that rape is an important agricultural plant in Europe (canola oil is made from it) make it any less shocking that rape is epidemic in South Africa?

I have heard plenty of people use "rape" metaphorically or in some of the other sense than the primary one. I've heard plenty of people say they were "raped" on an exam. And I have heard people tell me, "I was raped," or, "He raped me." There is no mistaking the difference. There is no confusion whatsoever. Other uses don't make it any less horrifying.

I agree with the basic premise, that people ought not to use the word frivilously, and I don't, but the reasoning in the article is just so misguided.

Good post.  I'd write more, but I have to make breakfast. I'm starving.

My main beef with the whole original definition, which I realized when Mister brought up his argument about the gendering/sexing of rape... is that the definition used in the article restricts rape to sexual intercourse.

I have whole new thing about the gendering issue, but it's not a mistake someone on the forum made, so it's pointless to complain about it here.

Thanks Alyssa for those other definitions.  Very thorough.

On the topic of getting over rape.  I was in therapy a bit.  That's not really what helped, though.  It was realizing that I wasn't going to let one person (though this particular scenario isn't the case for everyone) ruin the rest of my life and prevent me from enjoying the rest of my time on this earth.  I don't want to deny myself of experiences just because of what some arsehole did to me when I was 17.

Just my 2 cents.  It seems like everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

Quote from: Kayden on May 12, 2009, 11:32:20 PM
My main beef with the whole original definition, which I realized when Mister brought up his argument about the gendering/sexing of rape... is that the definition used in the article restricts rape to sexual intercourse.

I have whole new thing about the gendering issue, but it's not a mistake someone on the forum made, so it's pointless to complain about it here.

Thanks Alyssa for those other definitions.  Very thorough.

On the topic of getting over rape.  I was in therapy a bit.  That's not really what helped, though.  It was realizing that I wasn't going to let one person (though this particular scenario isn't the case for everyone) ruin the rest of my life and prevent me from enjoying the rest of my time on this earth.  I don't want to deny myself of experiences just because of what some arsehole did to me when I was 17.

Just my 2 cents.  It seems like everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

That's a good way to look at it, Kayden. Glad to hear you're doing well inspite of what happened.

Good on you Kayden

I'm trying to work out what you are singing, includes a bit of air guitar?
Definitely rock, can't be rap with that expression. And I doubt it's a Celine Dion :laugh:

mmm
need a clue

Love and Hugs
Cindy James

Quote from: Mister on April 30, 2009, 12:41:18 PM
"The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse,"

Sounds to me like the author needs a new dictionary.

Also my first thought after reading that passage.

Quote from: CindyJames on May 13, 2009, 03:25:24 AM
Good on you Kayden

I'm trying to work out what you are singing, includes a bit of air guitar?
Definitely rock, can't be rap with that expression. And I doubt it's a Celine Dion :laugh:

mmm
need a clue

This is a digression from this topic, but I will answer it.  Just know that I'm not trying to take away from the seriousness of this discussion.  I'm singing to a Disturbed song (definitely rock) in a PT Cruiser in MA... this was right after I came out to myself actually.  Over a year ago.

Anyway.  I really don't want to further detract from the seriousness of the topic at hand here.

Dear Kayden
I apologise. I wasn't in anyway trivialising the post. If you read back I could never.
I was just trying to inject some warmth where there are only horrible memories.
Live in Peace

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on May 13, 2009, 04:48:58 AM
Dear Kayden
I apologise. I wasn't in anyway trivialising the post. If you read back I could never.
I was just trying to inject some warmth where there are only horrible memories.

I wasn't accusing you of anything, Dear Cindy, I just didn't want people to think I disrespected their experiences.

I'm all about warmth and creating good memories.  We could all use more of those, no matter who we are.


Also, if anyone wants to partake in some of that healing business where they need someone else who has been through these experiences to talk to, you can message me on here or using the number of messaging devices under my avatar.

I'm always willing to lend a helping hand.

Dear Kayden
I don't have any great problems anymore regarding the things that raped me. I'm well adjusted. Sadly my younger GG sister was raped at Uni (UK) by a drunk who broke through her bedroom window in the flat she was renting. He was well known, left evidence everwhere got 18months, Catherine killed herself by drink and depression. I really like rapists.

Sorry
Thank you for your kindness, I hope your surgery goes beyond expectation and you have a gorgeous life.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

wow yeah, this post hits on some truth... I feel raped sometimes, for some reason I remember a while ago, a guy, kind of a wierd guy who I kind of considered my friend would reach down my pants, Im sure he didnt mean to be malicious its just I never told him how uncomfortable it made me feel, i don't know why.. then he was gone. My mom sometimes talks about how she was molested and how she holds in a lot from that experience, which I feel like maybe comes in subconscious in how my family and me interact, like its just a self fulfilling prophecy, but its just in words and behavior, like they come too close to me, they don't respect my physical boundaries, or beliefs but its in a subtle enough way that I can't really say anything, or I just seem crazy, like its not that big of a deal and I should get over it. They have so much fear about my life style, about what I do that I know is right, and that even they can't justify as being wrong for any real reason, but yet they feel its right to try and suppress (maybe just subconsciously) all the things I do that allow me to fully express myself, live out what I feel like my purpose is and be healthy. Its horrible when the things you need to do for true healing and wholeness are things that make others see you as wrong or crazy (and as soon as that happens nothing that you say really matters), and the alternatives that they offer are not helpful in the least and in some cases more harmful. I try to deal with it at times, but I wonder if it even needs to be dealt with, or if its just that no one is saying what really needs to be said, I feel like a lot of it, is not really my problem, its the fact that I live so close to other people who live with almost a totally opposite philosophy to mine, but I don't have the strength to just go.. luckily theres still love, and we all have our issues, but we can put them aside.. hopefully lose the egotistical bull>-bleeped-< about helping eachother, let ourselves grow in whatever way we need to, and then move on, things will happen like they need to.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 30, 2009, 09:26:33 AM
  I can understand the shame and humiliation that she feels
Janet

it is more about the feel of shame and humiliation imposed on us rather than a natural feeling.

while i was not a victim of rape, i did non stop face sexual harassment while in school.

inside me i was terrified but on the outside no one could had guessed any thing. It arrived to a point where i was nearly dragged to the school in the morning. and after much struggle i managed to get moved to another school and on the first week in the new school some other students told me: if you join that social after school event you'll get raped.

do you think i complained or told anyone about this (even my parents)? NO, a man is supposed to defend himself and be strong enough to do so. if someone harese me i should be strong enough to give kick him so strong that it will make him fly around the earth 445567 times (ok i am exaggerating but you get the idea).  I am supposed to be strong enough, to talk like a man, walk like a man,.....ect

i have difficulty today talking to a man without feeling uncomfortable or afraid.

Quote from: yabby on May 13, 2009, 03:31:52 PM
it is more about the feel of shame and humiliation imposed on us rather than a natural feeling.

...

i have difficulty today talking to a man without feeling uncomfortable or afraid.

And that is part of the problem we've seen in this thread, imo. The discussion of how linguistically correct the writer is has simply missed the social point that she's made. Rape has devasting consequences. As does the threat of rape.

OK, she should have used an up-to-date dictionary.

Now about the meat of what she was saying rather than a discussion of which dictionary is best and how she should write.

yabby, you're not the only man who walks around in fear of other men. Large numbers of men have been raped and assaulted and threatened in like manner and not simply in prisons. They tend to hold all of that within themselves due in large part to exactly what you said makes you hide your own fear. And hide your own experiences and how they affect you.

"I have to act like a man." Well, dear, acting like a man definitely includes being afraid and suffering from PTSD just as does "being a woman."

And which dictionary one uses doesn't help anyone in that regard at all. 

Quote from: Nichole on May 13, 2009, 03:44:59 PM

"I have to act like a man." Well, dear, acting like a man definitely includes being afraid and suffering from PTSD just as does "being a woman."

by acting like a man i meant when i am screamed at and asked to act like a man, when i was screamed at:DAMN IT WALK LIKE A MAN. or when i am put to shame for shaking hand like a woman and like a man.

i am supposed to act and pretend to be something i am not.