Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I guess I should start by saying hello!

I am new to this forum, and in truth only once very briefly about 5 years ago shadowed a different forum where I tried to accept the truth of who I really am before once more running and hiding, thinking this was something I could simply wish away, and if that failed then just keep myself way to busy to have time to notice...

But now I can no longer keep up this false image of who I am to the world. I am beyond scared, I don't want this, I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be happy with who I am and what I see, but I can't, I've tried, prayed and sought every available outlet I could only to once more find myself still miserable, and truth be told I was willing to live my life being unhappy in order to spare my friends and family from having me go through such a traumatic change, but, I fear it's no longer an option.

I've had some very scary thoughts recently of finding ways to just escape and get this all over with, and now I know for sure I can't continue to wake up and see someone else looking back at me in the mirror.

I have finally, once again, but truly for the first time, fully accepted that I am not me. I tried to beat it out of me in the military, even joining special forces, I tried to hide it behind a failed marriage, and have spent my entire life praying for my mind and body to be as one, either to wake up as the woman I believe I am or to be happy seeing the man I was born.

I can no longer deceive myself, I have had no real relationship with my family in over 9 years, I have lived a string of failed relationships, and now know that if I don't follow my heart, it will stop.

I was either cursed, or gifted with being born in the wrong body. I have never identified with Jordan, the boy I was born as, nor the man I see. I have always thought of myself as being Samantha, the woman I am inside, the girl I never got to be...

I am one of the blessed few, I am a Transgender. I pray I find the acceptance we all deserve.

I have already started laser hair removal with Ideal Image, and tomorrow at 11am I have my first psychiatrist appointment where I will say, out loud, to a complete stranger that I am who and what I am.

I don't know why I came here, or why I find myself constantly browsing the internet searching for the stories and experiences of those who have walked the path I am just now starting. Maybe I just need to start saying it somewhere, to someone that this is me, I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but it's who I am. And truth be told, I don't know how I'll be able to wake up in a few years and see who I know myself to be, or if I will by taking this route, but I know that if I fail to at least try, then I am dead, if not physically then emotionally.

I apologize this is long, writing has always been an escape for me, this will be the first post I have made announcing this, normally I type out what I feel on a text document and save it for a minute, before deleting it in the event my girlfriend stumbles across it.

Even now I find myself hesitant to hit the post button, scared that somehow by doing so everyone who I eventually have to "come out" to, will know then and I will be ousted. I guess while I try to build up the nerve to hit the post I can describe myself, I read a few others who had done so and found it interesting.

I am half an inch below six feet tall and am very thin in build, only weighing 145 lbs, brown hair and hazel eyes, I have been told that I'm a very pretty man and have always gotten a lot of attention from girls. Sadly it's never the same for me as it is for them. I don't have a sexual preference, I've never been with a man but I find them just as attractive as women.

I am a preachers son, I remember when I was four years old arguing with my cousin because he told me I was a boy, and I was insistent that I was a girl, at that point I didn't know I wasn't. It wasn't until I went to my dad for back up on my gender that I found out I was in fact a boy, and he was very... insistent that I never bring it up again.

I had never had a hair cut until that point, since then I've always had a military cut, only once letting it grow for a few months before cutting it short once more last year after moving to a new town to try once more to start over.

I can't help but laugh, as I sit here typing I find myself wanting to confess to every problem I have with my physical appearance...

I am unsure where things go from here. But, I can't keep making everyone I know happy and comfortable, I want them to be happy, but it's going to cost me my life. So here I am, you all get to be the first to hear me admit this, and in a frighteningly short few months I'll be forced to admit this to my peers, friends and even family.

So be it.

Hi Samantha, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 5300 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hi Samantha Marie  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  ;D

You can put your fears aside... You are among friends now  :icon_chick:

Quote from: Virginia Marie on July 24, 2010, 04:38:55 PM
Hi Samantha Marie  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  ;D

You can put your fears aside... You are among friends now  :icon_chick:

Thanks... now if only I can do it that easily   :-\

Hi Samantha

Welcome to Susan's and I wish you all the best, in your search for peace and contentment.  All of us here at Susan's have travelled different paths to get were we are today.

As you probably know, your story is like many others, they have thought the same thoughts as you have and finally had the courage to become who they are today.  You have made the first steps that will help resolve the issues you have and seeing a psychiatrist is one of many steps to help you understand and accept yourself for who you are.

Only you can make the decision on what you do, all we can do is answer your problem with different opinions and stories, and ultimately you will have the solution to the problem with the information or advice that you have received.  This way you can resolve your current problem you have and there will be people here who will support you in your decision.

Susan's has a lot of information that hopefully answers the questions you are seeking answers to.

You said in your post:

Quote from: Samantha_Marie on July 24, 2010, 04:15:33 PM
I am unsure where things go from here. But, I can't keep making everyone I know happy and comfortable, I want them to be happy, but it's going to cost me my life. So here I am, you all get to be the first to hear me admit this, and in a frighteningly short few months I'll be forced to admit this to my peers, friends and even family.

I'm like you in that sense I put everyone before me, taking care of my family and friends.  However, if I do not look after myself, then I will not be able to look after them.  So it is very important to ensure that you are healthy and happy, so that you can look after the people you love.

Take care and all the best for the future

Kind regards
Sarah B

Quote from: Sarah B on July 24, 2010, 04:49:21 PM
Hi Samantha

Welcome to Susan's and I wish you all the best, in your search for peace and contentment.  All of us here at Susan's have travelled different paths to get were we are today.

As you probably know, your story is like many others, they have thought the same thoughts as you have and finally had the courage to become who they are today.  You have made the first steps that will help resolve the issues you have and seeing a psychiatrist is one of many steps to help you understand and accept yourself for who you are.

Only you can make the decision on what you do, all we can do is answer your problem with different opinions and stories, and ultimately you will have the solution to the problem with the information or advice that you have received.  This way you can resolve your current problem you have and there will be people here who will support you in your decision.

Susan's has a lot of information that hopefully answers the questions you are seeking answers to.

You said in your post:

I'm like you in that sense I put everyone before me, taking care of my family and friends.  However, if I do not look after myself, then I will not be able to look after them.  So it is very important to ensure that you are healthy and happy, so that you can look after the people you love.

Take care and all the best for the future

Kind regards
Sarah B

Thank you! I hope to find the answers I need! I guess it's just one day at a time for now!

Hi Samantha

You are most welcome.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Hi, Samantha
I am new here also but I can really understand the fear, shame and guilt that you have been experiencing.
I'm 49 now my wife left me nearly a year ago now when I told her that I had become aware of who I was and that was the reason I had suffered anxiety from 9 years and depression from 19.
I came out to my mum about a month ago but she still tries to dismiss what I have told her.
I have decided not to transition until I can find a supportive partner to share my life with and give me support as I am not strong enough to cope with the extra upheaval that transition would bring.
Anyway hope to chat with you in the forum.

huggs Antonia xxx

I'm sorry to hear Antonia, I hope for all but the best for you. For us all in truth.

Samantha:

Know one thing for certain:  Here at THIS website, you've found friends. 

Granted, "electronic friends" cannot replace in-the-flesh friends; however, they can help you tremendously.

Our stories have many similarities.  I'm one of the older gals here.  My marriage of 20 years will go by the boards.  My wife and I roommate presently in order to share expenses and ease the burden of surviving in a dog-eat-dog, money-hungry, greed-driven world.  However, I know that eventually this will pass, and I'll be all alone.  This keeps me awake nights. 

You did the special forces.  I did The Marines.  Same reason ... Mr.  Macho ... yeah, right.  Sigh.

Career, if you want to call it that, will not be derailed because of coming out as transsexual for me.  However, I'm now a pariah at work.  Goes with the territory sometimes.  Some people do not experience this.  They are the lucky ones.

Here, you have good information, good people, good support.  Stop by as often as you like.  Get involved if, and when, you want to.  Glad you're here.

;)   Lacey Lynne

Hey welcome to Susans :)