I guess I should start by saying hello!
I am new to this forum, and in truth only once very briefly about 5 years ago shadowed a different forum where I tried to accept the truth of who I really am before once more running and hiding, thinking this was something I could simply wish away, and if that failed then just keep myself way to busy to have time to notice...
But now I can no longer keep up this false image of who I am to the world. I am beyond scared, I don't want this, I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be happy with who I am and what I see, but I can't, I've tried, prayed and sought every available outlet I could only to once more find myself still miserable, and truth be told I was willing to live my life being unhappy in order to spare my friends and family from having me go through such a traumatic change, but, I fear it's no longer an option.
I've had some very scary thoughts recently of finding ways to just escape and get this all over with, and now I know for sure I can't continue to wake up and see someone else looking back at me in the mirror.
I have finally, once again, but truly for the first time, fully accepted that I am not me. I tried to beat it out of me in the military, even joining special forces, I tried to hide it behind a failed marriage, and have spent my entire life praying for my mind and body to be as one, either to wake up as the woman I believe I am or to be happy seeing the man I was born.
I can no longer deceive myself, I have had no real relationship with my family in over 9 years, I have lived a string of failed relationships, and now know that if I don't follow my heart, it will stop.
I was either cursed, or gifted with being born in the wrong body. I have never identified with Jordan, the boy I was born as, nor the man I see. I have always thought of myself as being Samantha, the woman I am inside, the girl I never got to be...
I am one of the blessed few, I am a Transgender. I pray I find the acceptance we all deserve.
I have already started laser hair removal with Ideal Image, and tomorrow at 11am I have my first psychiatrist appointment where I will say, out loud, to a complete stranger that I am who and what I am.
I don't know why I came here, or why I find myself constantly browsing the internet searching for the stories and experiences of those who have walked the path I am just now starting. Maybe I just need to start saying it somewhere, to someone that this is me, I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but it's who I am. And truth be told, I don't know how I'll be able to wake up in a few years and see who I know myself to be, or if I will by taking this route, but I know that if I fail to at least try, then I am dead, if not physically then emotionally.
I apologize this is long, writing has always been an escape for me, this will be the first post I have made announcing this, normally I type out what I feel on a text document and save it for a minute, before deleting it in the event my girlfriend stumbles across it.
Even now I find myself hesitant to hit the post button, scared that somehow by doing so everyone who I eventually have to "come out" to, will know then and I will be ousted. I guess while I try to build up the nerve to hit the post I can describe myself, I read a few others who had done so and found it interesting.
I am half an inch below six feet tall and am very thin in build, only weighing 145 lbs, brown hair and hazel eyes, I have been told that I'm a very pretty man and have always gotten a lot of attention from girls. Sadly it's never the same for me as it is for them. I don't have a sexual preference, I've never been with a man but I find them just as attractive as women.
I am a preachers son, I remember when I was four years old arguing with my cousin because he told me I was a boy, and I was insistent that I was a girl, at that point I didn't know I wasn't. It wasn't until I went to my dad for back up on my gender that I found out I was in fact a boy, and he was very... insistent that I never bring it up again.
I had never had a hair cut until that point, since then I've always had a military cut, only once letting it grow for a few months before cutting it short once more last year after moving to a new town to try once more to start over.
I can't help but laugh, as I sit here typing I find myself wanting to confess to every problem I have with my physical appearance...
I am unsure where things go from here. But, I can't keep making everyone I know happy and comfortable, I want them to be happy, but it's going to cost me my life. So here I am, you all get to be the first to hear me admit this, and in a frighteningly short few months I'll be forced to admit this to my peers, friends and even family.
So be it.
