Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: brainiac on August 07, 2010, 04:43:28 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Good gracious, I'm back! Updates and Dad Problems.
Post by: brainiac on August 07, 2010, 04:43:28 PM
Post by: brainiac on August 07, 2010, 04:43:28 PM
Hi everybody! It's been a while. I hope everyone's been well. I graduated! Woohoo. I officially have... a Bachelor's. ::)
I started work in June and haven't had much time for internet use since.
In the meantime, I worked up the courage and finally came out to my mother. I was terrified, and it took me several minutes just to get the word "trans" out. She actually reacted pretty well. She told me she supported me and still loved me, and she said she would make an effort to understand what I was going through. Hearing that after years of fearing she would throw me out of the house and stop talking to me was a huge relief.
As the weeks went on since then, she's asked me a bunch of questions. I'm not sure she still really understands what it means to be transgender-- I've told her about my dysphoria, and she seems to understand the physical bit, but not the gender role and gender presentation bit. She doesn't get how I could "feel male" separately from stereotypes, really, and I told her that it's often hard to see for cisgender people because it matches up. I've given her a PFLAG pamphlet and Transgender Explained for Those Who are Not, but she keeps asking about what "the process" is.
I haven't told my father or my sister yet. My mother seems to want to talk to my father about it--probably so she can have someone to talk to about this besides me and her therapist--but she told me she didn't think it was a good idea to tell my sister, since she's 17 and going through the regular teenage turmoil. She's also said that my partner shouldn't tell his mother about this because it's "something you can't take back". I've realized that this makes me feel pathologized, or like coming out is something that wounds other people rather than just a clarification of who I am (and people can react as they may). My mother is subtly reinforcing the fears that I had that coming out was bad because it would hurt people, that I should be ashamed of being trans.
The result of this, which it took me about a month to realize, is that I've gone right back to feeling closeted. Sure, around my friends it's fine, but I'm living in my parents' house, and my job has a dress code--meaning I end up more feminine clothing than I would like. It's too hot out for me to bind, and like I said, I can't present in the way I need to most of the time.
This is why, among other reasons (health, pay), I rejected an offer to continue my job into the fall when I don't have another one lined up. I need a workspace where I can actually present the way I need to, or at least more LIKE that. My mother was furious with me when I told her that I said no to the job, but I still haven't told her this part of it. I'm scared to--like it's an excuse for her to call my gender identity issues frivolous.
Anyway, long story short... I know what I have to do next: tell my dad, with my mother there. Thing is, he's very socially withdrawn (and very likely has Asperger's Syndrome), and terrible at communication. I've never talked heart-to-heart with him about anything, and I've hugged him twice since I became a teenager. He's making efforts to connect with me more, since my mother is trying to work with him on that (that too--they might divorce). But I have no idea how I'm going to tell him. In some ways it's going to be easier, since he's never really treated me as a daughter more than his child, and he doesn't have that much interaction with me to change.
Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the essay. :P
I started work in June and haven't had much time for internet use since.
In the meantime, I worked up the courage and finally came out to my mother. I was terrified, and it took me several minutes just to get the word "trans" out. She actually reacted pretty well. She told me she supported me and still loved me, and she said she would make an effort to understand what I was going through. Hearing that after years of fearing she would throw me out of the house and stop talking to me was a huge relief.
As the weeks went on since then, she's asked me a bunch of questions. I'm not sure she still really understands what it means to be transgender-- I've told her about my dysphoria, and she seems to understand the physical bit, but not the gender role and gender presentation bit. She doesn't get how I could "feel male" separately from stereotypes, really, and I told her that it's often hard to see for cisgender people because it matches up. I've given her a PFLAG pamphlet and Transgender Explained for Those Who are Not, but she keeps asking about what "the process" is.
I haven't told my father or my sister yet. My mother seems to want to talk to my father about it--probably so she can have someone to talk to about this besides me and her therapist--but she told me she didn't think it was a good idea to tell my sister, since she's 17 and going through the regular teenage turmoil. She's also said that my partner shouldn't tell his mother about this because it's "something you can't take back". I've realized that this makes me feel pathologized, or like coming out is something that wounds other people rather than just a clarification of who I am (and people can react as they may). My mother is subtly reinforcing the fears that I had that coming out was bad because it would hurt people, that I should be ashamed of being trans.
The result of this, which it took me about a month to realize, is that I've gone right back to feeling closeted. Sure, around my friends it's fine, but I'm living in my parents' house, and my job has a dress code--meaning I end up more feminine clothing than I would like. It's too hot out for me to bind, and like I said, I can't present in the way I need to most of the time.
This is why, among other reasons (health, pay), I rejected an offer to continue my job into the fall when I don't have another one lined up. I need a workspace where I can actually present the way I need to, or at least more LIKE that. My mother was furious with me when I told her that I said no to the job, but I still haven't told her this part of it. I'm scared to--like it's an excuse for her to call my gender identity issues frivolous.
Anyway, long story short... I know what I have to do next: tell my dad, with my mother there. Thing is, he's very socially withdrawn (and very likely has Asperger's Syndrome), and terrible at communication. I've never talked heart-to-heart with him about anything, and I've hugged him twice since I became a teenager. He's making efforts to connect with me more, since my mother is trying to work with him on that (that too--they might divorce). But I have no idea how I'm going to tell him. In some ways it's going to be easier, since he's never really treated me as a daughter more than his child, and he doesn't have that much interaction with me to change.
Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the essay. :P
Title: Re: Good gracious, I'm back! Updates and Dad Problems.
Post by: lilacwoman on August 08, 2010, 05:11:54 AM
Post by: lilacwoman on August 08, 2010, 05:11:54 AM
OMG! You turned a job down in this financial climate? Go crawl on your belly to the personnel manager and ask to be kept on and explain the previous decision as being a bit of a mixup due to the need to transition.
There may/should be protection to aloow you to trabnsition at work and it may be they will actively help you do so if you have the makings of being an asset to the company.
Lots of us have made awful mistakes when we felt the need to transition but you newbies need to learn from our mistakes and not make your own.
Monday morning go eat humble pie with the personnel and if they agree to have you stay on and help you transition take your Mom a bunch of flowers.
There may/should be protection to aloow you to trabnsition at work and it may be they will actively help you do so if you have the makings of being an asset to the company.
Lots of us have made awful mistakes when we felt the need to transition but you newbies need to learn from our mistakes and not make your own.
Monday morning go eat humble pie with the personnel and if they agree to have you stay on and help you transition take your Mom a bunch of flowers.
Title: Re: Good gracious, I'm back! Updates and Dad Problems.
Post by: Kev on August 08, 2010, 08:10:51 AM
Post by: Kev on August 08, 2010, 08:10:51 AM
I don't think you have to keep a job in which you are very uncomfortable. Of course you have to keep looking for another one. But I don't think people should sacrifice so much for a job. At least if you have a choice.
You relax. You'll do fine. There'll be something else for you.
And even _if_ it proves a mistake (which, btw, I don't think standing up for yourself like this is a mistake), everybody _needs_ to make mistakes. There is no way people can really learn from other people's mistakes, I believe.
You relax. You'll do fine. There'll be something else for you.
And even _if_ it proves a mistake (which, btw, I don't think standing up for yourself like this is a mistake), everybody _needs_ to make mistakes. There is no way people can really learn from other people's mistakes, I believe.
Title: Re: Good gracious, I'm back! Updates and Dad Problems.
Post by: brainiac on August 08, 2010, 11:56:15 AM
Post by: brainiac on August 08, 2010, 11:56:15 AM
Quote from: lilacwoman on August 08, 2010, 05:11:54 AMMonday morning go eat humble pie with the personnel and if they agree to have you stay on and help you transition take your Mom a bunch of flowers.Well, I'm definitely not taking the job, for more reasons than this. I've thought about this for a long time.
1) I'm extremely lucky in that this year I'm living with my parents and getting free food and don't have to pay rent.
2) I do one-on-one tutoring with special needs children-- it isn't the teaching that's hard but the "keeping the kids engaged and on task" part that's exhausting. I'd done it part time for the past three summers, and it was fine then, but I just can't do it full time. It's taken a huge toll on my health, especially with escalating sleep problems I've been having.
3) The pay is inadequate considering how demanding the job is--and that is reflected in the extremely high turnover rate of employees. Like I said, this is my fourth year, and they've hired an almost completely new staff each year (which is more expensive than taking people back due to training).
4) I'm working with children, and even if the company wouldn't fire me for transitioning, they would NOT be happy about it since it would alienate more than a few parents.
In the event that I can't find a full-time job, I am going to take a programming class for grad school purposes and try for something part-time. If I can't find a crappy part-time job... then I'll volunteer at someplace relevant.
Quote from: Kev on August 08, 2010, 08:10:51 AMThanks. I am actively looking for a different job, which is the important part. And like I said, I'm lucky enough to be in a financially secure situation, so chances are even if I can't find a job--which would just be for the year, as I'm going to grad school afterward--I'll find something that will benefit me.
And even _if_ it proves a mistake (which, btw, I don't think standing up for yourself like this is a mistake), everybody _needs_ to make mistakes. There is no way people can really learn from other people's mistakes, I believe.
And I do realize that this could be a huge mistake. But I've got a plan, and I'd rather make dumb mistakes while I'm lucky enough to be freeloading. :)
Any ideas about what to do with my dad?