Hi everybody! It's been a while. I hope everyone's been well. I graduated! Woohoo. I officially have... a Bachelor's.
I started work in June and haven't had much time for internet use since.
In the meantime, I worked up the courage and finally came out to my mother. I was terrified, and it took me several minutes just to get the word "trans" out. She actually reacted pretty well. She told me she supported me and still loved me, and she said she would make an effort to understand what I was going through. Hearing that after years of fearing she would throw me out of the house and stop talking to me was a huge relief.
As the weeks went on since then, she's asked me a bunch of questions. I'm not sure she still really understands what it means to be transgender-- I've told her about my dysphoria, and she seems to understand the physical bit, but not the gender role and gender presentation bit. She doesn't get how I could "feel male" separately from stereotypes, really, and I told her that it's often hard to see for cisgender people because it matches up. I've given her a PFLAG pamphlet and
Transgender Explained for Those Who are Not, but she keeps asking about what "the process" is.
I haven't told my father or my sister yet. My mother seems to want to talk to my father about it--probably so she can have someone to talk to about this besides me and her therapist--but she told me she didn't think it was a good idea to tell my sister, since she's 17 and going through the regular teenage turmoil. She's also said that my partner shouldn't tell his mother about this because it's "something you can't take back". I've realized that this makes me feel pathologized, or like coming out is something that wounds other people rather than just a clarification of who I am (and people can react as they may). My mother is subtly reinforcing the fears that I had that coming out was bad because it would hurt people, that I should be ashamed of being trans.
The result of this, which it took me about a month to realize, is that I've gone right back to feeling closeted. Sure, around my friends it's fine, but I'm living in my parents' house, and my job has a dress code--meaning I end up more feminine clothing than I would like. It's too hot out for me to bind, and like I said, I can't present in the way I need to most of the time.
This is why, among other reasons (health, pay), I rejected an offer to continue my job into the fall when I don't have another one lined up. I need a workspace where I can actually present the way I need to, or at least more LIKE that. My mother was furious with me when I told her that I said no to the job, but I still haven't told her this part of it. I'm scared to--like it's an excuse for her to call my gender identity issues frivolous.
Anyway, long story short... I know what I have to do next: tell my dad, with my mother there. Thing is, he's very socially withdrawn (and very likely has Asperger's Syndrome), and terrible at communication. I've never talked heart-to-heart with him about anything, and I've hugged him twice since I became a teenager. He's making efforts to connect with me more, since my mother is trying to work with him on that (that too--they might divorce). But I have no idea how I'm going to tell him. In some ways it's going to be easier, since he's never really treated me as a
daughter more than his child, and he doesn't have that much interaction with me to change.
Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the essay.
