Susan's Place Transgender Resources

That depends. How hard do you want it to be? How hard do you plan on it being?

Such tentative steps: Hormones in March last year. Going out dressed for the first time in public ever in April, to therapy and group, then out in real public. Going fulltime one day at a time, until I figured that was dumb and went full fulltime. Years of anticipation, dread, fear, trepidation, and yes shame to appear in public in women's clothes. Fully expecting total disaster, with finger-pointing, scorn, ridicule, banishment and general embarrasment.

Not once did I receive any of that. I Got blessed indifference, being ignored, obvious undetection, coupled with politeness, respect and acceptance. Along with those, I got self-satisfaction, a sense of complete belonging, even joy in living life correctly for the first time.

I fit in.

There are many reasons to not transition. The only regret is choosing to not do so out of fear.

It is much, much, much warmer, safe and comfortable as myself then as a male impersonator. Do not put it off any longer then circumstances actually compel you to. If you are waiting on yourself, you're holding up progress.

Susan Kay

Thanks, girl!

This is what I way needed to hear.

Really.

;)   Lacey

Thanks Susan. Those are heavy words of wisdom.
Hugs
Beth

It was the easiest thing I ever did! It was like just "letting go" and being myself. It was scary because I didn't know what I was going to be getting into and it cost me EVERYTHING - I was disowned, thrown out of my home, lost my childhood friends and everything else familiar. But having stepped off the cliff, everything just fell into place naturally and life was wonderful.

I go full-time on Monday.  Actually, I've been full-time already these past two weeks - I took a 2-week vacation from work, during which time management informed the other employees I'd be coming back as Colleen, and hired an external diversity consultant to do workshops.  I had an email from her yesterday, and she said:

Quote...there are many people looking forward to saying hi when you return. You may just have to re-introduce yourself to a few people though as several of your lady friends were concerned that they might not recognize you when you came back all lovely and such and they hated the idea of offending you. They're sweeties :)

So I'm WAY looking forward to going back on Monday.  I spent most of this week in North Carolina visiting my parents, who are now accepting me completely.  I was able to spend about half my time there in girl-mode, and the world didn't end.  They still love me and support me.  In fact, I have not lost anyone or anything due to transition.  From all indications, life will go on much as before (minus being married), but better.  Yes, my wife and I separated, but there's no acrimony.  She's still having trouble with the concept of meeting ME, but I do think one of these days she'll be okay with it.

In short, 100% agreement with Susan.  My experience has been wonderful so far.

I've been out for almost a year now and I don't regret it for a second, it was hard at first, so much to remember to do, it does take longer on a morning for me to get ready now but a lady likes to look her best after all but its all a routine now so its easier to manage and I honestly can't imagine not putting my make up on on a morning before going out, I don't overdo things but it is nice to look and feel as feminine on the outside as I am on the inside :)

I think at the time I thought it was darn near impossible and with each akward new step came fear and insecurities that made me think it was hard. Looking back on it, it was very easy and the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life.

Quote from: Valeriedances on April 22, 2011, 09:23:37 AM
Well said, Karyn. Some of us have the benefit of hindsight. It's interesting that from this perspective, many of the hardships were from our own fears.

This is one of the ways post transition people can be of help and service. Showing that it was done, a human did it. And if they could, so can you. Great thread :)

Yeah I remember all the anxieties of coming out, first hairstyle appointment,gong to court for my name change etc and as scary as each step was, looking back on it I made more out of it than I needed too.

I know people have all different experiences in transition and a lot of people have a lot of negative ones. I really was taught to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. But the worst never really came and it really changed my view of people. I was a very pessimistic negative person before. I hated people because I felt that I was only as good as what I could provide to them

I gained so much love from people in my transtion I realized that most people are inherently good and only want you to be happy in life. It totally changed my perspective of not only life but of people in general and as a result I became a much more positive person

My experience was much like Colleen's, thankfully!  I didn't lose any family members that I cared about, none of my friends, and I even gained two new best friends (one was previously a casual acquaintance, the other a girlfriend of my oldest friend).

Work was easy, but I work in a university office that goes through twice-yearly diversity training.  Before going full time, I had to resist the urge to scream out that I knew more about being transsexual than the presenter (who was gay, but sometimes misinformed on trans issues).  As peer tutors, we're not held to any dress code beyond how any student would show up for classes, so I started going to work two years ago wearing eyeliner and beginning to grow my hair out.  Nobody questioned it, but assumed I was emo.  Then I started wearing foundation and powder.  Next was eyeshadow.  Then girl-cut shirts and painted nails.  Finally, lipstick.

That's when I decided to tell my boss I was trans.  :laugh:  In the two years I was changing my appearance, nobody even asked why.  Some of my students (and my coworkers) simply compared me to AFI's Davey Havok and left it at that.

So I marched into my boss' office, told her the story, and said I now considered myself full time.  She smiled, told me congratulations, and asked if I wanted everyone else to know.  I said yes, but that I wanted to make an announcement personally at the meeting that coming Friday.  Before the meeting, she asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it and I enthusiastically confirmed my readiness.  My coworkers actually applauded (talk about embarrassing!) and immediately embraced me as Zoe.  I told them I was way beyond the point of shyness so don't hesitate to ask me any questions, no matter how personal they may think it is.  Lots of them took me up on the offer and the experience has been great!  We've had a lot of laughs together.

So basically, transition to full time has, in my life, been a totally fluid process.  The first day I wore a skirt in public (to work, two days before breaking the news to my coworkers) was my only real "big day."  Well, that and the day I walked solo into Victoria's Secret and got up the nerve to buy a bra.  :laugh:

I did things the same way as Zoe, except over about 5 months. It was one of the least stressful parts of the whole process really.

In another email I got from the diversity consultant who did the workshops where I work (she sent this the day after the workshops), she said:

QuoteI just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you that the training at work went really well the past two days and you have a lot of people who would like to wish you the best as you move forward. :)

As I spoke to everyone over the past two days, (115 in total!) I realized very quickly how close everyone was and that you have many people who care and support you. That's truly a rare thing and I think a testament to the kind of people you and your friends/co-workers are. In short, everything will be fine at work and maybe it's time to say "yes" to some of those lunch invitations. ;)

I've also been encouraged by several people to write about my experiences, to show others that it really can be a positive thing.  There is WAY too much doom-and-gloom written about this.  And I very much agree with Valerie - we trump things up in our minds WAY too much most of the time.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on April 22, 2011, 03:05:09 PM
In another email I got from the diversity consultant who did the workshops where I work (she sent this the day after the workshops), she said:
I've also been encouraged by several people to write about my experiences, to show others that it really can be a positive thing.  There is WAY too much doom-and-gloom written about this.  And I very much agree with Valerie - we trump things up in our minds WAY too much most of the time.

This is pretty much how it went for me. I've been encouraged to write a book. My friend Annah wrote one and thinks I should because I have a comical way about my transition. I've not dealt with all the crazy negatives that a lot of people do ...

just to say the same really

seemed impossible in my mind before, when i went full time, it was way too easy, no one even 2nd looked me

i done harder things in life, fear really is your greatest enemy

It was one of the easiest things I have ever done, even to this day I cannot believe how easy and fast it was for me.  Had my ears pierced three days before I arrived in a big city where I was going to spend the next fifteen years of my life (too long) and the very next day I got my name legally changed (early February) cost me a total of $57 dollars.

Thirteen days later I saw my GP and I was given my first prescription and had my first injection of hormones.  Got the prescription filled out which was next door and took my first hormone tablet.

First appointment with my first psychiatrist was 2 months later (late April) and one month later I was working full time.  Finally and just under two years from the day I arrived in the big city, I had my surgery.

Hesitation on my part absolutely none.
Regrets on my part absolutely none.
Living in peace, happiness and contentment as me, 22 years and counting. (I was happy before but not as happy as I am now)

Kind regards
Sarah B

Wonderful and mostly positive experiences related here. To offer a cautionary note, as is often said, Your Mileage May Vary. My related experience was concernig my journey into life. The close relationships almost always will be the major source of conflict. No one should believe there are not bumps, even massive ones on this road. I have a few inlaws and a bunch of acquaintances that figuratively cross to the other side of the street when they see me coming. But the best response I got was from a former work colleague: "Real friends care only about you!" I think that says it all. Without that, I would probably excessed over the others. Now I just am disappointed in them, not resentful.

Some will - some won't - so what!

Susan Kay

Quote from: Susan Kay on April 22, 2011, 05:14:01 PM
Wonderful and mostly positive experiences related here. To offer a cautionary note, as is often said, Your Mileage May Vary. My related experience was concernig my journey into life. The close relationships almost always will be the major source of conflict. No one should believe there are not bumps, even massive ones on this road. I have a few inlaws and a bunch of acquaintances that figuratively cross to the other side of the street when they see me coming. But the best response I got was from a former work colleague: "Real friends care only about you!" I think that says it all. Without that, I would probably excessed over the others. Now I just am disappointed in them, not resentful.

Some will - some won't - so what!

Susan Kay

Very well put!  This is exactly why I came out to those I knew would give me unconditional support before moving to the harder-to-tell folks.  It all went so smoothly that I went from easiest to hardest (and then went full time) within 10 days.

That said, I haven't told my dad and stepmom yet because I know what fireworks are coming; but the years of childhood abuse (physical, verbal, and emotional), their attitude toward me since my divorce, their irrational beliefs about society, their gross mistreatment of my schizophrenic sister, and their disgusting racist and sexist language have left me with a distinct taste of uncaring.  I spent my entire life forgiving them, then apologizing to them for the inconvenience I caused when they had to put me in my place.  No more... so when they chase me out of their house in a few weeks (I'm going to show up as my true self without a word beforehand), I'll go with my head held high, knowing that their negativity and poisoned worldview are no longer a part of my life.  I've spent years (and am still working on) excising their voices from my head, the ones that tell me I'm worthless, will never become anything, and deserve every misfortune the world can heap on me.  The end of that relationship will be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I guess that's a case of Your Mileage Is What You Make It.  :laugh:


ETA: This is also related to the fact that I'm full time now and won't go back to my old life for anything, especially not for those who never respected me.  That I'm ending the relationship as my true self and not the fake one is my little way of affirming the power I left untapped for too long... that kick-butt feminine energy once buried under the guise of the boy who nearly killed me.  It may be my most important full-time experience ever.

Quote from: Northern Jane on April 22, 2011, 06:35:52 AM
It was the easiest thing I ever did! It was like just "letting go" and being myself. It was scary because I didn't know what I was going to be getting into and it cost me EVERYTHING - I was disowned, thrown out of my home, lost my childhood friends and everything else familiar. But having stepped off the cliff, everything just fell into place naturally and life was wonderful.

Dang, Girl!  Wish I had half of your courage!  I've followed your posts with great interest and know your story pretty well, I believe.  Like, wow ... just ... wow!   THAT is inspiring.

Because I'm only now just starting beard removal, I'm still totally freaked out about potential hassles ... who need's 'em?  Anyway, thanks!  Great reply, for sure.

;)   Lacey

Quote from: Karynm8621 on April 22, 2011, 03:52:51 PM
This is pretty much how it went for me. I've been encouraged to write a book. My friend Annah wrote one and thinks I should because I have a comical way about my transition. I've not dealt with all the crazy negatives that a lot of people do ...

Karyn:

Your friend, Annah?  Like, are we talking Annah Moore ... kicking guitarist?  DANG!  Like, that's one of my two favorite transbooks!  I think she majorly rocks ... figuratively and literally!  Hope we're talking about the same person.  If not, then ignore me.  If so, then, like, wow!  Tell her I think she's awesome and inspires me bigtime.   

:D   Lacey

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on April 23, 2011, 12:04:41 PM
Dang, Girl!  Wish I had half of your courage!  I've followed your posts with great interest and know your story pretty well, I believe.  Like, wow ... just ... wow!   THAT is inspiring.

Because I'm only now just starting beard removal, I'm still totally freaked out about potential hassles ... who need's 'em?  Anyway, thanks!  Great reply, for sure.

;)   Lacey

You will get there and you'll feel the same way. There's a lot of fear and anxiety that can present itself with this but most of it we create ourselves.you are just as brave as any of us, you just haven't been able to look backwards to see it yet

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on April 23, 2011, 12:48:33 PM
Karyn:

Your friend, Annah?  Like, are we talking Annah Moore ... kicking guitarist?  DANG!  Like, that's one of my two favorite transbooks!  I think she majorly rocks ... figuratively and literally!  Hope we're talking about the same person.  If not, then ignore me.  If so, then, like, wow!  Tell her I think she's awesome and inspires me bigtime.   

:D   Lacey

Yes Annah Moore is one of my dearest friends. We are both metal guitarists, that how we knew each other. I ran a prominent guitar website and she was a member. We became friends before I transitioned and she helped me through my transition. We remain very close to this day. We used to have our blogs linked at one time until she took hers down. Mine was "walking in new shoes"

I started this process with short hair and my facial hair is impossible to cover (my avatar shows a trick of lighting and a wig), typical male appearance. I live in and frequent neighborhoods that mirror the society represented in the McD's video that everyone is buzzing about. I need time on hormones and hair zapping- otherwise I WILL experience violence and discrimination, I know this from experience, two trans sisters that I know of have been forced away from where I live. My going out involves driving 15 miles away and college, and snippets here and there at home.

In summary: it can be very hard.

@ Jungian Zoe:

Girl, it sounds like our experiences with our families are amazingly similar.  When somebody goes through what we did with "parents" like this, here's the trouble:

It's so far out and so screwed up that people think you're making it up and nobody believes you when you try to tell them about it!  People think you're making it up!  They think WE are the crazy ones rather than the folks!

Because our experience are so very, very similar, just reading what you wrote on this thread just above gives me the firmest resolve I've ever had in my life!  Thank you a million-fold!  To find a kindred soul on a forum like this one is all the more amazing.  Thanks.  Thanks SOOO much!  Your words majorly made my day!

:)   Lacey

Postscript:

Heck, on this forum and another one I'm on, I've read stories of T-girls going full-time WITH beards.   Some even did it BEFORE any HRT!  Well, they're still with us, so nobody wasted them.  Yeah, I've been fearing fear itself.  Well, not today ... or any other day!   Full-time in May for me!

Of course, even with all the joy and happiness, there are hard parts, and sadness.  I've had things really, really easy, and everything has been going really great, but... I will be alone this Easter, for the first time in my life.  My wife let me know last weekend that I'm not welcome to come celebrate with her and the kids, even as Tim, even though we talked about that possibility.  Apparently, she and the kids would be "too uncomfortable."  So, even with all the great stuff, there are still crosses to bear...

Getting to full time was uneventful for me.  There was no set day where I announced I was full time.  I simply got on HRT and let others decide how they percieved me.  At one point it got awkward.  I was asked why I was in the men's room (while standing up at the urinal).  At that point I started using the women's room and no one ever said anything to me about it.  I had to mention a few things to people I already knew at school but that was about it.

Sh** I can't even leave my fricken house cause the neighbors home :(

Ya! sure, I can do this  ;D

I think I'm better off just staying like I am.  :(

There's a big difference between when people say your looking like a girl then when you tell them you are a girl.  ???

I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!  :D

nawwww I can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:( >:(

I have read many encouraging  posts in this thread but I'm still so consumed by what OTHERS think.

Somebody tell me the world is not going to end if I come out. Even though that still won't help. I am so consumed with my transition I just wish I could live my life.  :'(

Quote from: Valeriedances on April 22, 2011, 09:23:37 AM
This is one of the ways post transition people can be of help and service. Showing that it was done, a human did it. And if they could, so can you. Great thread :)

Yes.

When I first joined these forums there were a number of people posting here that had made it safely to the other side and if not for them I don't think I'd be here today.  I was in such a dark place back then.  I felt, given all I stood to lose, that transition would only lead to filling my life with a different kind of sadness.  But I saw such peace and happiness radiating from these people that had transitioned that I found hope enough to step away from the edge and, putting the darkness to my back, start walking toward an unknown and utterly terrifying future. 

It was not always easy.  Like others, fear has always been my worst enemy.  But it has been worth every bump in the road and every last thing I've lost.  There I was hopeless, afraid and hating my very existence and here I am hopeful, happy and loving life.

If they ever met, my old self would say to my new self, "I never knew you were strong enough.  I never knew you could be so happy.  I am proud of you."

Quote from: Just Shelly on April 23, 2011, 07:38:06 PMSomebody tell me the world is not going to end if I come out. Even though that still won't help. I am so consumed with my transition I just wish I could live my life.  :'(

@Shelly:  Is that avatar picture YOU?  If so, girl, you got NOTHIN' to worry about!  Gosh, I wish I looked as good as that, and I'm going full-time on Monday.  When you're standing on the edge of the cliff, looking down at that clear, blue water, there's just one thing you have to do... JUMP!  Sure, it's scary.  I just spent the past half-hour figuring out what I'm going to wear on Monday, and then... SH!T - what about Tuesday?  Wednesday?  Oh, crap, am I actually ready for this???  I sure hope so...

Quote from: Just Shelly on April 23, 2011, 07:38:06 PM
Sh** I can't even leave my fricken house cause the neighbors home :(

Ya! sure, I can do this  ;D

I think I'm better off just staying like I am.  :(

There's a big difference between when people say your looking like a girl then when you tell them you are a girl.  ???

I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!  :D

nawwww I can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:( >:(

I have read many encouraging  posts in this thread but I'm still so consumed by what OTHERS think.

Somebody tell me the world is not going to end if I come out. Even though that still won't help. I am so consumed with my transition I just wish I could live my life.  :'(

Shelly in all honesty each transition is unique to the individual. What I can tell you is that I felt EXACTLY the way you do and I didn't think I had the ability to change. I thought that f I started telling people how I really felt they would think me insane. The reality is that I had a very positive experience and I really learned a lot about the people who loved me.

The only one who can determine if transition is right for you is you. But if that's what you need todo then you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. It's scary but the rewards are worth it

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on April 23, 2011, 08:22:47 PM
@Shelly:  Is that avatar picture YOU?  If so, girl, you got NOTHIN' to worry about!  Gosh, I wish I looked as good as that, and I'm going full-time on Monday.  When you're standing on the edge of the cliff, looking down at that clear, blue water, there's just one thing you have to do... JUMP!  Sure, it's scary.  I just spent the past half-hour figuring out what I'm going to wear on Monday, and then... SH!T - what about Tuesday?  Wednesday?  Oh, crap, am I actually ready for this???  I sure hope so...

Thank you, Colleen

If it came down to just pass-ability, in all honesty this isn't my biggest cause of anxiety. Although I do not think I am 100% passable, (one reason I don't post on the pic threads) I get gendered female enough to lessen the anxiety.

Yes, its nice to know if one passes or not, but when I think of the courage it takes to come out and then live full time, I have zilch, or is it I am not who I think I am. When I think of courage or is it conviction, I think of the Trans woman that they themselves will admit they are not passable but still come out and LIVE their lives. Not only do they have all the same struggles I have, they also have to deal with the fact people may not view them as woman.

So what does it mean if your passable but can't get past all the other obstacles.

Colleen, Thank you for your words of encouragement, they mean much more then you think.

Quote from: Karynm8621 on April 23, 2011, 08:33:40 PM


Shelly in all honesty each transition is unique to the individual. What I can tell you is that I felt EXACTLY the way you do and I didn't think I had the ability to change. I thought that f I started telling people how I really felt they would think me insane. The reality is that I had a very positive experience and I really learned a lot about the people who loved me.

The only one who can determine if transition is right for you is you. But if that's what you need to do then you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. It's scary but the rewards are worth it

Karyn
You are fairly new here, but I have read many of your posts. Your history and transition give me much hope for my own. I get to the point that I can do this (I have too) and then something, someone or me, gets in the way. I have not told a soul about my transition, I have come close but the vibes I get seem to make me feel unsure.

I do not socialize with anyone and have not dated in over 5 years. A neighbor that was friendly with me about 3 years ago recently called me because her granddaughter lives nearby now. I have talked with her a few times, she's even seen me at some school functions and I definitely don't look the same as 3 years ago. Recently we got on the subject of gay people, she seemed fairly open minded until she started talking about how her uncle was gay because he liked to wear dresses, I tried to explain that that has nothing to do with sexual orientation, she just kind a laughed and called her uncle the uncle drag queen. Doesn't look like I better come out to her.

I have come very close to telling my Sister, but ever since she saw me last Christmas and then I also text her months later to watch the Trans special on the OWN channel. I haven't heard from her since. What am I suppose to think?

I do thank you for your words of encouragement, I know its a decision I must make my own, I just wish someone else could do it for me. :P

Shelly

Quote from: EmmaM on April 23, 2011, 02:20:21 PM
I started this process with short hair and my facial hair is impossible to cover (my avatar shows a trick of lighting and a wig), typical male appearance. I live in and frequent neighborhoods that mirror the society represented in the McD's video that everyone is buzzing about. I need time on hormones and hair zapping- otherwise I WILL experience violence and discrimination, I know this from experience, two trans sisters that I know of have been forced away from where I live. My going out involves driving 15 miles away and college, and snippets here and there at home.

In summary: it can be very hard.

Emma:

EXACTLY right!

Thanks, girl, for making the point I was trying to make.  My feeling is that unless you've had beard removal or most of it that going fulltime would be very risky business indeed ... very. 

Better safe (relatively) than sorry, I believe.  Funny thing is that doing major androgyny seems to intrigue and fascinate people ... of both sexes ... of all ages ... of all backgrounds.  As I write this, I just got back from cruising the mall after work as I usually do every day. 

Well, I was doing androgyny in a serious way ... and nobody smirked or laughed ... many young girls either said "Hi!" or smiled or stared.  At my age yet.  Androgyny is proving to be a hoot and is a pretty cool waystation on the way to going fulltime.

Emma, I HAVE to do a wig ... all the time.  That's another reason I'm very slow about going fulltime.  The thought of having to do a wig for the rest of my life nearly 24/7 is a bummer.  Just my opinion.  Others would don a wig permanently in a heartbeat to be fulltime. 

To me, one has to be holistic about transition meaning one must weigh the pros and cons and seriously consider the ramifications of each and the net positive effect they will have on living ... if any. 

Once you've truly gone fulltime, you're in it for the duration.  I've seen T-girls plunge in only to have an abjectly miserable life when all was said and done.  To me, I do not see it being worthwhile to do so.  That's just me.  Do as you please, of course.

Thanks for listening!

:)   Lacey

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on April 23, 2011, 10:43:57 PM
Emma:

EXACTLY right!

Thanks, girl, for making the point I was trying to make.  My feeling is that unless you've had beard removal or most of it that going fulltime would be very risky business indeed ... very. 

Better safe (relatively) than sorry, I believe.  Funny thing is that doing major androgyny seems to intrigue and fascinate people ... of both sexes ... of all ages ... of all backgrounds.  As I write this, I just got back from cruising the mall after work as I usually do every day. 

Well, I was doing androgyny in a serious way ... and nobody smirked or laughed ... many young girls either said "Hi!" or smiled or stared.  At my age yet.  Androgyny is proving to be a hoot and is a pretty cool waystation on the way to going fulltime.

Emma, I HAVE to do a wig ... all the time.  That's another reason I'm very slow about going fulltime.  The thought of having to do a wig for the rest of my life nearly 24/7 is a bummer.  Just my opinion.  Others would don a wig permanently in a heartbeat to be fulltime. 

To me, one has to be holistic about transition meaning one must weigh the pros and cons and seriously consider the ramifications of each and the net positive effect they will have on living ... if any. 

Once you've truly gone fulltime, you're in it for the duration.  I've seen T-girls plunge in only to have an abjectly miserable life when all was said and done.  To me, I do not see it being worthwhile to do so.  That's just me.  Do as you please, of course.

Thanks for listening!

:)   Lacey

Reading your posts is like going to a party! I can't get over it!

Trust me, no matter where I live, or the state I'm in, I'm going full time in a relatively flexible 8 months. That's the plan I've always had, and I have only really had positive experiences while out. I have to believe that's been because I'm a careful person.

Risk vs. Reward. By all means, do what you feel is safe and healthy.
  :)

Quote from: Jen on April 23, 2011, 08:00:05 PM
Yes.

When I first joined these forums there were a number of people posting here that had made it safely to the other side and if not for them I don't think I'd be here today.  I was in such a dark place back then.  I felt, given all I stood to lose, that transition would only lead to filling my life with a different kind of sadness.  But I saw such peace and happiness radiating from these people that had transitioned that I found hope enough to step away from the edge and, putting the darkness to my back, start walking toward an unknown and utterly terrifying future. 

It was not always easy.  Like others, fear has always been my worst enemy.  But it has been worth every bump in the road and every last thing I've lost.  There I was hopeless, afraid and hating my very existence and here I am hopeful, happy and loving life.

If they ever met, my old self would say to my new self, "I never knew you were strong enough.  I never knew you could be so happy.  I am proud of you."

Same, just knowing that you could get to the otherside made the journey all the easier.

I think if i ran into Jamie (possibly through the use of a time machine) I'd just give him a hug and tell him it will all be okay and that he can transition and be perfectly normal. I doubt he'd know who I was though. :laugh:

For me it was hard enough.
It has nothing to do with looks, i never had facial hair or body hair, but there were some people who know me before and they were giving me a very hard time.
Lost of family and people who were supposed to be friends, gossips who came to me from other people.
Nasty comments,  spitting on the floor when I was walking by, bullied at work you know,these kind of things.
Sure, there was no other option, I did the RLE and I needed the hormones and at the end srs.
I moved to another city, quit my work and was trying hard to find some other job.
It was hard and it maked me tough and I keep persisting.
It also maked me distrustfull to people, it has taken years to trust some people again.
I chose my friends very carefully and when i look back I can say, hey I made it and there is someting I can be proud of.

I hope everybody who is in there now will have a better time yhan I did.

hugs
Annette

Quote from: Just Shelly on April 23, 2011, 09:49:23 PM

So what does it mean if your passable but can't get past all the other obstacles.

Are you seeing a therapist?  That can make all the difference, I think.  Sounds to me like your main obstacle is your inner dialog.  Not trying to convince you, just making an observation.  If you ARE seeing a therapist, and you're STILL so conflicted, maybe you should consider finding another therapist.  If you're NOT seeing one, then honey, get thee to a therapist!  It can help.  Really.  I don't think I would have come so far so quickly if not for my therapist.

Interesting reading here.  I will know all about it personally in the next few weeks I think, depending on advice from my therapist.
I won't have to worry about work because I have resigned, and will be on leave until my last day anyway. 
I will be able to pretty much start with a clean slate as I am selling up, and going back to study somewhere else, probably several hours travel away or even interstate. 
There is really nothing keeping me here except a mortgage on a house that is too big, now my kids have grown and left home to live their own lives. Most of my friends turned out to be my ex's friends anyway, so no one to upset there either.
Karen.
 

Emma & Shelley

I feel very much the same way about any kind of transition.  I never were pants cut for a guy anymore and I usually wear more feminine cuts shirts but that is about as far as I am willing to go at this time.  I have two kids and my neighbors are my parents and sisters.  One sister and parents are complete ->-bleeped-<-s in the sense of acceptance.  Telling either of them or having them find out would be disatrous.  I might as well come out on the Howard Stern Show or Opie and Anthony.  Plus friends of parents any my one sister would make life completely hell from a mental busting my chops standpoint.  Would be very bad for my kids.

The next step I was going to take was for hair removal.  I saw an infomercial on this thing called the NONO hair remover.  But further than that will require us to move away from here.  (want to get away from my parents and sister regardless of transition) But once we move the transition will no be long afterward as all my new neighbors can get to know me through the process or they can kiss my ass.  LOL

Quote from: EmmaM on April 23, 2011, 11:45:43 PM
Reading your posts is like going to a party! I can't get over it!

  :)

@ Emma:

Hey, if I can make you smile, then I'm majorly happy!

Actually, I'm guessing this is a compliment, because I don't really know what you mean.  Anyway, thanks, girl.  Just assuming you mean something positive here.

Appreciate it bigtime!

;)   Lacey

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on April 25, 2011, 10:28:39 PM
@ Emma:

Hey, if I can make you smile, then I'm majorly happy!

Actually, I'm guessing this is a compliment, because I don't really know what you mean.  Anyway, thanks, girl.  Just assuming you mean something positive here.

Appreciate it bigtime!

;)   Lacey

Of course it makes me smile  ;D I don't think I ever have any flip meanings in my posts. I love it!

Quote from: EmmaM on April 25, 2011, 10:56:56 PM
Of course it makes me smile  ;D I don't think I ever have any flip meanings in my posts. I love it!

Cool.  Actually, no way did I believe you were being flippant.  Feel free to private-message me anytime if you want to.  From one free spirit to another:

Rock on!

:)   Lacey

First time I dressed in female clothing was a time many years ago when we got invited to a big family reunion, this in Massachusetts where most of the family came from, I didn't go, had to work, couldn't get the time off, so my mom, brother, sister and her only son (still a baby) at the time went. During my time alone at home, I had me a few days to reflect on the things I had been feeling about myself, I did some experimenting and some dress-up. I tried on some of my mom's clothes, the ones that fit (there was this very nice dress that I thought I would look pretty in, if only I were a girl), and put on a little bit of make-up that I had the guts to actually go out a buy (also this time is when I first got my ears pierced too), and since I knew that I would be alone for several days, sometimes I would spend all day dressed up in the house, I felt wonderful. But after it was all over with and I couldn't be me anymore because family was coming home, I got really depressed because I knew it was time to put myself, the real me, back into hiding. Afterall, how could they accept me like this, it wasn't natural, I'd be looked at like a freak, something to laugh at and make fun of, something to hurt for those willing to commit such acts, they would be angry, hurt, disappointed, ashamed, denial, what else, I went back into my shell.

I wish I could remember when I first came out, told my family about wanting to be female, but when I first had, the worst that they could think is that I was going to tell then that I was gay, because of the newly effeminate behavior and whatnot that I was slowly leaking out, nope I'm not gay, actually I have no idea what gender I'm attracted to, doesn't matter to me, never been something I ever put much thought to, I want to be a girl. My mom had a fit, she refused to believe it, to even accept that I even told her such a thing, but interestingly her boyfriend at the time, it was he that I think helped her to understand what was going on, either love and support your child in this, afterall he's still going to be the same person, or risk losing him forever because he could end up killing himself if alone in this. She tried really hard, I know it was rough on her, its got to be for any parent, here they gave birth to this cute little boy, raised and nurtured him all those years, always looking forward to a time when perhaps he'll grow up, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids of his own, and in one moment that all changes completely, the world done turned upsidedown on them.

It took several years later before I went full-time. One day, I was home alone, I was really depressed thinking about how I'd have to live out the rest of my life as a man, and no way was I going to be able to handle that, and even though I was able to dress a little more feminine, wear various colors of nail polish, and some pretty accessories, I was still looked at and refered to as male, and still as my birth name. I was laying on my bed, knife to my throat, just kept telling myself, quick deep slash, once done there's no turning back, all your pain would be over after you bleed to death, no more worrying about having to continue as a gender I didn't feel comfortable as. I don't know if I woud've actually done it (prior to that there was a time that I tried to cut my testicles out, I got faint from the tiny bit of blood loss and stopped, and another time that I totally shaved my head bald just to hurt myself since I had always liked my hair long, but this was the first time that I actually put a knife to myself that I can recall intend on ending my life), had no idea that anyone would be home soon, but my brother walked in, my hand stayed as was, and I was crying uncontrollably. He was the one that got me some help (which is really sad that over time he became an uncaring selfish jerk, because I still remember this one great thing he did for me) and made some phone calls.

Anyway, once I talked to a therapist, suddenly where there was no hope at all, I was on my way to a better me.

Of coarse, getting on hormones still required me to have to wait some more, a whole year at that before I was given permission to see an endocrinologist, that's also when I started going full-time as a woman, didn't go overboard on clothing that would make me stand out too much, nor make-up, but then I did stand out quite a bit being as I started wearing a bra, and I was scared to death (only I did not die), going out into public like this, I got plenty of stares, but the whole while whist my heart was hammering away I kept telling myself, ignore them, they mean nothing, because once you do get on those hormones, you are going to look so damn good that only those that are really observant such as an occasional child or artist would have any questions (and it would only be my adams apple to give anything away), and even then most would just shrug it off. It was a scary, uncomfortable time, but I braved through it, had to, it was either that or kill myself because I certainly wasn't going to continue a life of misery as what I currently was in body.

Thankfully I did have family to support me, at least my mom once she fulling came to terms with who I was, when I couldn't walk to see my therapist she drove me, when I went to get my name changed she came with me (I tried to get her to give me an idea of what she would have named me if I had been born a girl, but didn't get anything out of her, so I named myself using a name that I had been thinking about for quite some years), whenever I went to the endocrinologist she drove me, she was there supporting me through it all, even gave me my shots (initially her boyfriend administered them to me, but then once she learned how to my mom took over this job), even if she didn't understand it, I was still her child and she wanted me to be happy. My brother, the way he saw it, everyone has their problems, no one's perfect, if I want to be a girl, so be it, he's not living my life so it shouldn't really bother him, though years later, I realize that maybe it did, afterall we were brothers, and we'd lived our entire lives together, and during my transition we slowly started drifting apart (though I think much of it has to do with him becoming too serious, losing much enjoyment out of life, becoming much of what his father was), we weren't close anymore, whereas I used to never be close to my mom I suddenly was, and I think this bothered him. My sister, well she took it hard, she thought I was trying to garner attention away from her, trying to replace her as the daughter, and here I thought because she has always been the only girl and she had always said that she'd wish that she had a sister that we could have been closer, boy was I wrong, she was my enemy from that point on, I know it in the way she acted towards me, I tried through the years to get close to her, but jealousy and selfishness got in the way, she wanted her mom all to herself. It also took quite some years for my mom to make others aware of what I was, such as coworkers at her job, the ones that she did tell were okay with it, actually compassionate and very open-minded about it, wasn't as hard as she thought it was going to be, but family back home in MA, not much acceptance there, oh well, its been so long since I had seen any of them that they are all pretty much strangers to me anyway.

Hardest thing, moreso than being just out there in public was work, I didn't last long there after coming out completely to them, but did manage to deal with the abusive treatment for a bit. Actually first time I entered my job showing off boobs I did not have, one of my bosses when he was walking passed, stumbled at the site of me, nearly tripped, but even though I was terrified of what everyone there would think of me or how they would treat me, I got some twisted satisfaction out of seeing the stunned faces and people making absolute fools of themselves over little ol' me, just because of something so simple as wearing clothes designated for the opposite gender, kind of brought a smile to my face despite the nerves. But even though I spend nearly 7 years working for that company, mostly stocking shelves overnight, so rarely ever was there any customer interaction, I was mistreated badly from that point on, eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and quit.

Even though it was a rough awkward time, it did get easier to cope with, even when out shopping, I'd see some people or groups of people stare (my mom had a hard time with this for a while, she'd stare right back and make them uncomfortable, or ask them rudely what the hell they were looking at), or hearing them wispering, or blantantly saying it loud enough, "Is that a guy, or a girl?", I heard them, and saw them out of the corner of my eye, but payed them no mind, refused to look their way or to give them any attention, afterall that's what they want, to see a reaction out of you, I had my mind set and a goal, had to focus on that. Once on the hormones things would get so much easier, eventually not a single person would ever bring it to my attention that I'm not a woman, I would be looked upon as a lady and treated as one.

My body went through changes over the first couple years (a very gradual slow process, its like growing up, you don't even notice it til you look back a while later and suddenly realize, wow, what a difference!), I would get less frequent erections, eventually rarely have 1 or 2 per month if that, and nothing very strong or long lasting, I started getting breasts (though they never did get very big, I was happy to at least have something, no more filling a bra with tissue or such), and my butt and thighs got so much fuller (I actually had a shape), was actually get stretch marks and was happy about it, my skin was softer (bruised a lot easier though), less oily (no more zits), slower body hair growth so once I shaved or plucked hair it'd stay gone for days (not grow back immediately the next day), as well as no more of that strong male body odor when you sweat, but side effect, because of redistribution of fat and muscles, somehow I also got much weaker, but hey, no big loss. And emotionally I was more sound, I would cry easily such as during a sad or bitter happy part of a movie, and overall generally be able to convey my feeling more openly, wereas before that I would keep everything bottled away, only showing anger and meloncholy sadness.

Not sure what more to say right now. It was rough, it was scary, but I knew from the start that I could do it, and it was well worth it, I think the whole journey has made me a stronger person, just wonder now how strong I really am, I guess I must be doing okay, I'm still here afterall despite doing things to hurt or punish myself alone the way, I still hang on to my dream, I only hope that it will be realized in full soon, at least as much as can be short of being reborn as a girl.

Wow Megan! So much shared with us, and thank you for doing so. The techs behind doing so far exceed my computer talents, but I hope that you repeat this post in introductions.

I think that so much of our adjustment issues stem from the sense of guilt and shame that society, family and friends breed into us - thou shalt not wear women's clothes, it is wrong-wrong-wrong. Thou must accept the physical body we were born with; to do otherwise is wrong-wrong-wrong. We of course either now know, or hopefully learn that it is not wrong. That is simply ingrained into us, regardless of how much we know that it is just us, and is just right-right-right. This of course is what transition is: going from to. If "from" caused self attacking with a knife, then "to" MUST be achieved at all possible speed, and it seems you are moving where you must. Good luck, and remember:  You have friends here.

Susan Kay