Who here is? There are some people that seem to think of it as not being proud of who you are. My therapist that I used to have said that being stealth was like denying part of myself and I should be proud of who I am. My responce was that I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man. That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.
I am slealth at my new job and I love it, get called sir, him, he the whole thing, and its just so cool to know that no one knows my history, that everyone at work just thinks of me as a man, with no exceptions and no stories behind it. Not a man who used to be a girl, just a guy and its awesome.
for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?
I can't be stealth where I currently am because I transitioned on the job so everyone knows about me. I hope to be stealth one day.
When I was stealth on the job, it felt awesome and very liberating. Then when it was found out didn't feel so good and caused me a lot of stress. If stealth is only being known as TS by close people, that is how I like it. I don't think it's denying who we are just because we don't disclose to our employers, coworkers, neighbors, and school-mates. Just my personal opinion, others may disagree.
Well I don't pass very much. but I don't think that if I did pass 100%, would I want to be stealth or not.
On the one hand, I would love to live in stealth, except to family and close friends. That would just be so awesome. It's what I always wanted my whole life: to be fully recognized as male.
But then, there's this other part of me. since I have a heart for helping people, sometimes I think I want to become kind of like an activist or advocate for transgendered persons. I would want to be "out and proud" to give encouragement to other young transgendered people that they can do it to.
I mean, a couple years ago I started watching youtube videos of other transgendered persons, and it was really uplifting for me. Seeing them strong enough to do this, made me realize that I can do it too.
And sometimes I think I would want to pass that gift along to someone else too.
And then there's also the other issue, where transgendered persons don't really get recognized by society if they are all in stealth. Like, if there are a bunch of gay people walking down the street, people get used to it, and then being gay is totally normal to society. But if there are a bunch of stealth transgenders walking down the street, no one is any wiser.
Now, not that it's the responsibility of all transgendered persons to go about educating society. But I just think that more good comes out of not being stealth. But I would never tell someone that they are wrong for being stealth. God no. I think everyone has to do what is right for them. You also can't live your whole life for other people. we know that.
But about what that therapist said about denying a part of yourself, I don't think that's true one bit. You never forget that you are trans. And like you said, partners and doctors would have to know.
I am as stealth as I can manage. I struggle with it some...there are a couple of people I would like to tell, but they don't really have a need to know. I guess I still have a hard time with the societal perception that trans people are pretending to be something they're not. I suppose it will take time for me to stop feeling like a liar. I have a lot to "live down." I lived the old life for so long and have only been in the new life for a couple of years.
It's funny. I have spent my whole life fighting off my true identity, even when I knew that transition was possible. I lived a lie for so many years, but I didn't feel guilty, just ashamed of who I really was. Now that I've transitioned, I'm still ashamed (less and less, but it's still pretty strong) and I do feel guilty for keeping my private life private.
From secret shame and no guilt to frequent shame AND guilt. Doesn't seem like a big improvement, does it? But I've paid my dues. I just want people to treat me like a regular guy. And they do, and I love it.
Quote from: Elijah on July 30, 2011, 12:16:52 AM
for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?
I am stealth 24/7, except to family who know but are very accepting though older family members have a slip up sometimes. I called my grandmother today and she called me "missy" in her southern drawl but no harm done. She can do no harm to me, she means no ill regard.
I am stealth because I hate the idea of someone even remotely trying to think "he used to be a she" or a "he-she". I was always a he. There was never a "she" so I prefer that people see that way and not try to twist it. I know people are far more accepting now a days, but I just can't stand the idea of someone ever really having that sort of thought in their head. People judge people. I don't care who you are, how righteous you think you are, you judge a person the moment you learn something, the moment you see them. Be it for learning that they have had sex with 13 men, or because they were their hair in all the wrong ways (according to you). Judgement is a nature of humans, as much as we try to deny it. And I've done it. So I prefer that people don't judge me for the fake me. This is me. This has always been me. So you'll do well to remember it.
It has actually never been difficult for me. I guess I've been lucky. I've had my personal problems, some due to my gender identity but most to my traumatic childhood. My family is accepting. I pass 100% because my genes gave me slightly smaller than average boobs so binding works really well. I feel comfortable being me, so people don't bother to question. I ask, give the air, and look like a male.
I've had conversations with close friends about "hey if you found out so-and-so used to be a boy, what would you do?" and most of the time people will say "I feel like they should tell me, it's a life changing thing and I think you should at least tell the people important to you". But sorry, I can't stand being thought of as a liar. I am me. I've told my friends from the time I start to transition, even now. I tell them who I am. And who I am is all there is to it. Being trans isn't who I am, it isn't a big change, it is not something I feel I am lying about. When I say "I am Jason. I am a male." I feel like there could be no more true words to say.
So... I guess, I keep myself open to those who will throw it in my face if they find out, but I never lie to myself anymore. I'm done with that.
I've been stealth since my sophmore year in high school (I'm 28 now). I really couldn't imagine living any other way. I have told some close friends in the past, and am still close to those people. I just don't find it necessary to tell people who really don't NEED to know. For me, it's more comfortable to be seen as nothing more than just your average dude.
The thing I hate about my not being stealth is the inappropriate questions people ask that they wouldn't really ask a cis man.
I am as stealth as I can be. In those situations where I am just male, it is amazing and awesome and so right.
I came out at this job so most people know; I have no idea if the rumor mill has informed newer employees or not.
Biding my time until I can quit and move on. Time to move to a new area where nobody knows me and live truly stealth.
Jay
Ditto to JohnAlex's post. Even though I do pass 100% and could easily go stealth, I have chose not to. And, please hear, I am not condeming those who do live stealth. Reason I have chose to be out is for activism purposes. If we are a secret and silent community, there will never be changes made to give trans people freedom from discrimination. Policies will never change when it comes to the hardship we have to face in changing gender on documents, losing jobs, losing homes, etc. Again, not a judgement, just my own standing.
I am stealth. The only people who know are my family and a few close people who learned on need-to-know basis.
I am stealth because I do not want transman to be my defining characteristic in people's minds. I rather my skills and merits be the first thing people think of when they think of me, not an unfortunate circumstance of birth. Unfortunately being known as trans would trump all else in people's minds, since it is something that to them seems SO important to them, when it is but only a little part of me. I also do not want to be thought of as "not quite a man" or some variation of that theme. Furthermore, I do not want to deal with obnoxious questions and stares. I am private person, and would like to keep it that way.
It was easy to be stealth for me. I was always an aloof and slightly intimidating person (or so I have been told), so before transition, I never had anybody I was close to, and post-transition, I only had one (who I never told anyway). Therefore, I never had to deal with "severing ties" or that rot with people from before transition. I would not have talked to them anyway, transition aside, so it was no big deal.
Quote from: mowdan6 on July 30, 2011, 10:36:46 AM
Ditto to JohnAlex's post. Even though I do pass 100% and could easily go stealth, I have chose not to. And, please hear, I am not condeming those who do live stealth. Reason I have chose to be out is for activism purposes. If we are a secret and silent community, there will never be changes made to give trans people freedom from discrimination. Policies will never change when it comes to the hardship we have to face in changing gender on documents, losing jobs, losing homes, etc. Again, not a judgement, just my own standing.
This.
Even though I pass like 10% of the time.
Quote from: Elijah on July 30, 2011, 12:16:52 AM
I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man. That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.
I used almost these exact same words in another thread and got torn apart but I wholeheartedly agree. I'm not transitioning to be some kind of in-between genders or perpetual trans-person.
I'm generally stealth (people from my past obviously know because it's like, "where did 'she' go?" but other than them and my family no one knows. it's amazing. I've waited my whole life to be treated like a normal guy and now I get that, so why ruin it by being "out" and having people judge me or treat me differently? it has nothing to do with being a coward, I'm just REALISTIC. a lot of people don't understand being trans and it's not even necessarily their fault because of how badly the media portrays us and the stigma- how would they know any different?
I'm as stealth as I can be. I'm out as trans to family, close friends who knew me before, my boyfriend, some of my doctors, and the faculty/staff who needed to know at school. Maybe a few others but otherwise that's it. My mom has told some of her friends because they "knew me when" and would ask her questions like "How is your daughter?" She got tired of keeping her son a secret. I don't mind that they know as long as I either don't see them or they can respect my identity.
I choose to be stealth because I'm a private person and I find it easier (for myself) to not have to explain my situation to everyone I come into contact with. They only way I will come out is if it is absolutely necessary. Like to a potential partner, to doctors who need-to-know, and to anyone who happens to see old information (but only in the process of doing something important like a background check, etc).
It's difficult when I have to talk about things that a non-trans guy who had dealt with growing up. My socialization with males is stunted by my upbringing as a female. So interactions in a group of men can be difficult for me. But that's not really a stealth issue. It's not as if I would say, "I was brought up as a girl, so cut me some slack here." So...trying to think of how it's difficult...I suppose the fear of being outed is hard to deal with. I worry about what would happen if everyone found out. Either physical violence, verbal abuse, being ostracized, etc.
I'm sort of half and half.
All my friends know, and if I'm going to make close friends with someone, I make sure they know. But beyond that? Yeah, I'm a guy. Just a guy. On every website I'm on, the only people who know I'm trans are close friends (And on one forum, people that've known me for a long time).
Well, and the people at my bank. They know something is up with me. Last time I went in and the poor bank worker addresses me by my legal name, she looked confused as all hell. Which made me happy, because obviously I didn't look like I fit that name.
It's easy for me because I don't currently work, go to school, or anything like that. The absolute only time I *need* to use my legal name is on bank-related crap, PayPal, or when I'm getting published. So, my publisher knows I wasn't born as Nick Ransom, but he doesn't know the specifics, and doesn't seem to care. Works well enough for me. Obviously, when I've got the money and my family knows 100%, I'm getting that disgusting name wiped off as much as possible, but for now? I can deal.
I think it depends completely on the personal choice of the person. I have gay friends that are "stealth" because they do not want that to define them and they don't think it's anyone's business but them and whoever they choose as a partner. I also have gay friends who are the out-and-proud type and who are very vocal about their gayness, etc. I use the gay examples because I don't have any friends that are trans (not by choice).
Since I'm not transitioning, most of the people in my life or that I have to deal with at work treat me as female - but that's not who I really am. I'm only stealth when I choose to be and in the fact that only a handful or people in my life know what my deal is and know the real me.
My own personal viewpoint would be I would never want to be thought of or called a transman. As much as I silently loathe that in certain scenarios people can not truly be themselves without taking a huge amount of ->-bleeped-<- for it, I really just want to blend in too - at least when it comes to gender. I don't want to be a freak, or the he-she, or whatever other derogatory name people can come up with. I don't want that to be the thing that changes someone's complete perception of me ... that makes them talk in hushed tones to other people about me, etc. etc.. And believe me, there seems to be very few people out there who are honestly 100% accepting without letting information color their view of you. I just want people to think I'm "normal" in that department and then just be myself from there.
Quote from: N.Chaos on July 30, 2011, 03:13:06 PM
Well, and the people at my bank. They know something is up with me. Last time I went in and the poor bank worker addresses me by my legal name, she looked confused as all hell. Which made me happy, because obviously I didn't look like I fit that name.
Ha - I've tripped out my bank people before. I actually went and got a new pic taken on my driver's license just to look more like me because the other one was way old and I had really short hair and looked like a total dork and that added even more to the double takes. So now it's just the name usually. Yesterday I was at the DMV and the guy looked at the form - which of course had my legal name on it - and asked, "And this is you?" kinda confused. I just said yeah and he didn't ask to see my ID (was just renewing plate reg).
I really should have changed my name somewhere along the line but it's not like I don't like my legal name either. If I'm out by myself or with the few people who do know and we're at a restaurant or something I usually use my nickname though.
I'm stealth (as much as I can be), but I'm openly gay. I'm laying the groundwork for being out (as gay) at my second job. Some people there know. I didn't come out and say it; I just stopped hiding some things.
Quite some time ago, a trans person asked me why I was out as gay but not as trans. It was a good question, but I didn't like his very clear implication that if I was going to be out as gay, I had to be out as trans, too. Really? In fact, he was one of those people who tend to believe that we should all be out as trans and be actively and openly giving back to the trans community--but in ways that THEY decide are right and appropriate, not in ways that I think are right for me. So he thought I should be involved in community events and support groups and all of that--but only trans stuff, not gay stuff.
So, why am I out as one but not as the other? Part of the answer is that my identity has always been tied to being a boy/man attracted to men. When I was younger, I already wanted to live as a gay man and be accepted as a gay man. That was the group I felt tied to. Someone on this thread remarked that he transitioned to live as a man, not to live as a trans man (paraphrase). Only I transitioned to live as a gay man rather than a gay trans man.
"Trans" is not part of my gender/sexual identity, although I used it that way for a certain period in my life when I wasn't living as a man. It was one way of asserting my manhood and my masculinity but without transitioning. It was all I could do at the time. Now that I'm living as a man, I feel male, not trans male. Perhaps it looks very binary to most people--in fact, because I identify as solidly male, I've been accused of being a binary thinker!--but I just happen to be at one end of the gender identity spectrum. That doesn't mean I don't believe there's a spectrum. People who tell me otherwise clearly do not know what I think; they are trying to put words in my mouth. And people who question my living as a trans-stealth gay man don't understand that I have had trans experiences and a trans medical history but I have a gay male identity.
There are other issues to staying stealth, of course, but I won't go into them here. I'm sure you've heard it all before.
Like a couple others, I'm as stealth as I can be. I work for a theme park so it's a very large amount of people I work with and I don't often see the same customer twice which makes things easier. My family, friends, & a handful of coworkers know but that's about it. I find it easier and while I do attend meetings still sometimes & try to be reasonably active in the community I don't wear being trans on my sleeve.
For me (and I hope no one takes this offensively) it's like a condition. Those who need to know will and I won't deny it if someone asks but I don't go around publicly announcing it. I think those who are active and open are incredible people but I choose to live stealth and I see nothing wrong with it either way. It's an individual thing. I'm not ashamed of it, I think it has made me a stronger person and while I won't jump up and down happy that I wasn't born a bio-male, I am grateful for what I have learned from it all. It does get very difficult to live stealth though seeing as I am larger chested.
Sorry for the long response.
I'm not actually stealth - I make no particular effort to hide my trans status, for now. On the other hand, I don't walk up to people I just met and announce "Hi, I'm [name], and I'm a trans guy!" When people see my name, I let them think what they will - and to be honest, in general people don't even seem to read my name/gender marker on my ID.
I'm keeping my options open, not doing any visible trans activism under my real name, in case at some point I decide I'd rather be stealth. But right now I'm walking the fine line of "I don't care what you think I have in my pants." Which is working well - the vast majority of people don't know, but I'm not worried about close friends or random strangers.
edit: I think the end result of my approach and the "as stealth as I can be" approach of a couple other guys is basically the same. I'm just refusing to stress about it, is all. But I get the motivation to try.
I am pre everything atm but I most definately want to be stealth. Like almost everyone else, my family and partners will be the only ones knowing I am FTM. Family because they will be involved in my life while transitioning and partners.. well thats pretty obvious why. But as for everyone else I want to be identified as male and nothing but. My family, close friends, and partners will know I am a trans man, but I would like future friends to not know I am unless it really bothers me that I need to tell them, but at this point I don't think it will.
-Chase
You know this is actually a really difficult question for me. A few months ago the answer would have been obvious but now I'm starting to wonder.
At this point I am stealth and if it all went my way, I would always stay stealth. My reasons are the same as many that have been listed here. People don't understand or need to know about my medical history. I'm not politically inclined and have no wish to be an advocate for the trans community. These are common reasons many people site.
I can relate to what Arch is saying. I always transitioned later than most of the guys on here. There was a whole life in which there was good, such as my children being born and marrying my partner. However I know I was miserable and never felt quite right. My partner and I have a mutual love for photography so there are quite a few pictures around our house. Up until a week ago there were pictures around of me still in female mode even after I've been transitioning for 18 months +. Last weekend I took them all down and replaced them with recent shots. My partner became very depressed all last week. He said it was like I was erasing the past.
So I told him that erasing the past wasn't possible. That they were my pictures and it was my choice if they were up or not. Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others. I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people. It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them. That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.
You know sometimes I think he might have a point. At times when I'm out with people it feels like there is a barrier between us that I can't quite cross. Perhaps transitioning so late in life made me more set in my ways. So changing from female socialization to male socialization is harder for me. Fact is I'm not quite like every other guy. I don't have all of the hidden and unspoken male idiosyncrasies down. It does set me apart and they can sense it. They don't quite know what it is but it's there. I do know but trying to overcompensate will only make it worse so I just keep solidering on. Is that going to be enough for me to develop a strong friendship with another guy?
Not only that, there is a big part of me that wants everyone to know. I went through this amazing life change and took incredible risks and I want credit for it. I get tried of everyone seeing me as a young kid. One who hasn't lived long enough to have any life experience.
Still what holds me back is the fact that being taken at face value is just fantastic. It's exactly how I want to be seen. My thing is I want to be seen as male and still be open about who I am. The sad fact that isn't possible right now I don't think. Or perhaps it is and I should just take the chance. I just really don't know.
Most of the time I'm full-time male. In the city I currently live in, I'm pretty sure I've never presented female. In my hometown, when I'd go back to visit, I'd usually try to present as a fairly androgynous-looking butch lesbian, just to make my dad a little more comfortable and to keep my girlfriend's mom from figuring things out. And sometimes I'd do it just to ->-bleeped-<- around with society, keep people guessing, mix up every major gender stereotype into one little body.
Going stealth does come with some concerns for me, I do sometimes feel like I'm not "man enough" and end up coming off as a wussy little pissant. I'm really anticipating testosterone, I know even if it takes a long time to see results that taking those shots will make me feel a lot better. Right now I feel like I'm just floating in limbo.
Anyway, back on topic, yes, I am stealth at work and in public and with people I mean now. Obviously my old friends and family know, but they're the only ones.
I don't think I ever will publicly stand up for trans rights. I'll definitely be there supporting the fight and if acquaintances like neighbours and coworkers ask, I'd probably tell them I'm a supporter. Simply because I do not like direct confrontation. It may be cowardly and but my intention is to see social change, not force an individual to see life my way.
Quote from: Elijah on July 30, 2011, 12:16:52 AM
Who here is? There are some people that seem to think of it as not being proud of who you are. My therapist that I used to have said that being stealth was like denying part of myself and I should be proud of who I am. My responce was that I was not transitioning so that I could be a trans man, I was transitioning to be a man. That no one else needed to know my history, only doctors and partners.
I am slealth at my new job and I love it, get called sir, him, he the whole thing, and its just so cool to know that no one knows my history, that everyone at work just thinks of me as a man, with no exceptions and no stories behind it. Not a man who used to be a girl, just a guy and its awesome.
for those who do pass, do you choose to live stealth? Why? why not? do you find it difficult?
Thats really sad your therapist told you that being stealth was denying a part of you. I have to disagree with that.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 30, 2011, 08:30:41 PM
You know this is actually a really difficult question for me. A few months ago the answer would have been obvious but now I'm starting to wonder.
At this point I am stealth and if it all went my way, I would always stay stealth. My reasons are the same as many that have been listed here. People don't understand or need to know about my medical history. I'm not politically inclined and have no wish to be an advocate for the trans community. These are common reasons many people site.
I can relate to what Arch is saying. I always transitioned later than most of the guys on here. There was a whole life in which there was good, such as my children being born and marrying my partner. However I know I was miserable and never felt quite right. My partner and I have a mutual love for photography so there are quite a few pictures around our house. Up until a week ago there were pictures around of me still in female mode even after I've been transitioning for 18 months +. Last weekend I took them all down and replaced them with recent shots. My partner became very depressed all last week. He said it was like I was erasing the past.
So I told him that erasing the past wasn't possible. That they were my pictures and it was my choice if they were up or not. Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others. I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people. It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them. That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.
You know sometimes I think he might have a point. At times when I'm out with people it feels like there is a barrier between us that I can't quite cross. Perhaps transitioning so late in life made me more set in my ways. So changing from female socialization to male socialization is harder for me. Fact is I'm not quite like every other guy. I don't have all of the hidden and unspoken male idiosyncrasies down. It does set me apart and they can sense it. They don't quite know what it is but it's there. I do know but trying to overcompensate will only make it worse so I just keep solidering on. Is that going to be enough for me to develop a strong friendship with another guy?
Not only that, there is a big part of me that wants everyone to know. I went through this amazing life change and took incredible risks and I want credit for it. I get tried of everyone seeing me as a young kid. One who hasn't lived long enough to have any life experience.
Still what holds me back is the fact that being taken at face value is just fantastic. It's exactly how I want to be seen. My thing is I want to be seen as male and still be open about who I am. The sad fact that isn't possible right now I don't think. Or perhaps it is and I should just take the chance. I just really don't know.
Even though I don't pass very well currently, I still know what you mean. And hopefully perhaps someday we can be both. someday when being transgender is just as normal as being Asian, to society.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 30, 2011, 08:30:41 PM
Then he questioned if I was really being genuine with myself and with others. I have been making acquaintances, moving towards friendships and I am enjoying my relationship with these new people. It was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them. That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.
I don't want to trash your partner, but the first and last lines read so much like a cis perspective.
My whole previous life was not genuine. I mean, I did the best I could for a long time, but I was hiding who I really was. Now I'm much happier with my
self. Why would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?
I do struggle with the "am I being dishonest" question, but frankly, I bristle when someone else says or implies that my stealth life is not honest or that I am a liar for not going around and telling people that I used to live as a woman. That was never me. My imaginary lives, in which I was anatomically a typical male, were at least as real to me as that long, long nightmare of living as a girl. And I'm finding now that, in my mind, I have started to insert my current me into the past. When I remember my past, I'm starting to see a picture of myself as I am now, only younger. Doesn't happen all the time. Doesn't happen when I'm thinking about how unhappy I was to be living as a woman. But it happens--because I was always that person underneath the surface.
It's been argued that those who are stealth lie by omission. The thing is, this definition sets up the possibility that absolutely all people, trans and cis alike, are horrible liars because they don't fully disclose every aspect of their lives that someone else might consider important. But in my personal life,
I get to decide what is important for other people to know. The fact that other people think it's so important means that they just don't get it and maybe never will. Who the hell are they to tell
me what details of
my life I am
obligated to share with them?
Haha, I guess they can't tell me if they don't already know.
I think most tend to think that if people who are trans go in to stealth then it's the same as people who are homosexual that live in denial when it's not the same.
Pulling this out of your post, Squirrel. Not specific to your partner, as I have heard the same thing from other people in trans communities as well.
QuoteIt was my partner's point that if I really wanted to be friends with these people I needed to be honest with them. That I couldn't be true with someone else while hiding such a big part of my past.
I think this is bogus BS, personally.
It is true if you are entering a serious romantic relationship with someone. Otherwise it is none of their damn business.
Do all people run around and tell everyone they meet that they a) have a small penis? b) are an alcoholic? c) have HIV? d) have jock itch? e) have had their stomach stapled? f) had a birthmark removed? g) had hair implants? h) have had a boob job? i) have been divorced 3x?
Pretty much no, unless they are dealing with medical personnel or intimate partners. I don't get why non-trans people feel we are liars/are dishonest if we don't disclose to everyone we meet. Just plain ticks me off.
Jay, off my soapbox.... (and who also transitioned later in life, much later than you, even)
Quote from: Arch on July 31, 2011, 01:21:52 AM
I don't want to trash your partner, but the first and last lines read so much like a cis perspective.
My whole previous life was not genuine. I mean, I did the best I could for a long time, but I was hiding who I really was. Now I'm much happier with my self. Why would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?
I do struggle with the "am I being dishonest" question, but frankly, I bristle when someone else says or implies that my stealth life is not honest or that I am a liar for not going around and telling people that I used to live as a woman. That was never me. My imaginary lives, in which I was anatomically a typical male, were at least as real to me as that long, long nightmare of living as a girl. And I'm finding now that, in my mind, I have started to insert my current me into the past. When I remember my past, I'm starting to see a picture of myself as I am now, only younger. Doesn't happen all the time. Doesn't happen when I'm thinking about how unhappy I was to be living as a woman. But it happens--because I was always that person underneath the surface.
It's been argued that those who are stealth lie by omission. The thing is, this definition sets up the possibility that absolutely all people, trans and cis alike, are horrible liars because they don't fully disclose every aspect of their lives that someone else might consider important. But in my personal life, I get to decide what is important for other people to know. The fact that other people think it's so important means that they just don't get it and maybe never will. Who the hell are they to tell me what details of my life I am obligated to share with them?
Haha, I guess they can't tell me if they don't already know.
I posted before reading the other replies.
I agree with Arch, 1000%.
I was never a woman, no matter what I looked like or what people thought I was. That whole life was a huge lie.
Jay
The idea of being stealth is absolutely wonderful to me but i cant see it happening for many years. I'm transitioning on the job and although most people are great they still feel they have to explain to others who dont know. Also i have a family member that not only says she cant get used to it but goes to great lengths to ' correct' anyone who refers to me as male. I'm seriously getting to the stage where as soon as i can afford it i'll be moving to where no body knows me
Quote from: insideontheoutside on July 30, 2011, 03:23:01 PM
Ha - I've tripped out my bank people before. I actually went and got a new pic taken on my driver's license just to look more like me because the other one was way old and I had really short hair and looked like a total dork and that added even more to the double takes. So now it's just the name usually. Yesterday I was at the DMV and the guy looked at the form - which of course had my legal name on it - and asked, "And this is you?" kinda confused. I just said yeah and he didn't ask to see my ID (was just renewing plate reg).
I really should have changed my name somewhere along the line but it's not like I don't like my legal name either. If I'm out by myself or with the few people who do know and we're at a restaurant or something I usually use my nickname though.
Lol...those little awkward moments where you're not sure if you should be happy because you're passing, or pissed because you're outed. That's how I feel, at least.
I've thought about getting a new ID picture, but I barely look like a girl in my old one. I'm wearing eyeliner, my hair is a mess, and honestly I look like a pissed off, hung over guy in drag. Certainly not my most flattering picture, but I think it's funny. I just need to get that goddamn name erased.
I'm pissed that I have to sign it on this contract, and I'm paranoid as hell that the publisher (in spite of me making sure he knew, twice) is going to put THAT name instead of MY name. Gr.
QuoteWhy would I want to dwell on a past that I find repugnant in so many respects? I'm finally living my life as ME. Why should I let my past define me in a way that will cause many people to get in my face because they think I'm not authentic now--when, in fact, I'm more authentic than I've ever been in my entire life?
Totally.
And a lot of people will never be able to comprehend this at all. As soon as you tell them, they will want to see a picture of you as a girl. Just human nature, I guess.
Not sure if total stealth will be possible for me, since it's difficult to escape having history with all but complete strangers. But I would if I could. I don't feel this prevents us from being useful to our community at all. Some of the stealthiest people on this forum have been very helpful to me, and I hope to be doing the same in return.
I have absolutely every intention of being as stealth as possible as I progress through transition -- in fact, I've arranged to attend classes this coming semester as Noah, and I'm intending to start my next job (when I find one) as Noah as well, so I'm already working on this.
I'm another guy for whom it has absolutely nothing to do with any idea of cowardice or shame or whathaveyou. I also don't care about what people would say, really, or what they think per se because I honestly don't care what trash people might talk about me.
The fact is, I have always simply identified as male -- not trans, but male. That's how I want to be seen, and am actually very much uncomfortable when the fact that I'm trans plays too much in a situation or relationship with someone I am on good terms with (if I'm not on good terms or they're more of an acquaintance then I don't care, but on good terms it negatively affects the relationship). I'm also a very, very private person. Even my closest friends don't know a lot of things about me, and very few people even know that I'm bi. I'm just not a very open person about much of anything, and honestly I don't see how me being technically trans is something that anyone needs to know unless I knew them from before transition and they want to keep in contact or if I'm going to be in a relationship with them. Or they're my doctor.
So family and people from my pre-transition life, as well as partners, will know and that's all besides doctors.
This doesn't mean that I don't intend to educate about trans issues or support trans rights when the opportunity presents itself. I've said before and I will say it again that I don't see being stealth and standing up for the trans community to be mutually exclusive endeavors. People don't need to know why I support this (though that, really, is an easy thing to answer: because it should be supported), and they don't need to know the details of how I know what I know about trans issues (can always use the "I know someone" excuse), and I really don't see why I need to tell them my own personal history to justify supporting or knowing about trans issues. Plenty of cis people do as well, after all.
I also intend to help out other trans people when the opportunity presents itself and I feel I can be of some use, even stealth. I suppose then I would no longer be stealth in that situation, but I don't mind as much if helping out a fellow trans individual. So long as they understand that I am stealth.
Personally, I think there are a vast number of things about me that are more telling than the fact that I am trans, and still very few people know about those things. I see no reason that they ought to know anything about them unless I feel like telling them. Anyone who has a problem with that, personally I have no problem with them taking their own issues and leaving me alone. I don't need them in my life. I present myself as no one else but myself, I don't put on an act and I never have, and if that's not good enough for some people then so be it, but I'm not going to change to appease other people. That is not who I am, and anyone who would argue clearly doesn't know me very well.
I'm stealth. Like most have said already the only people I am open to is those whom have known me in the past and those who find out through either me telling them or having heard from someone else.
At work (I'm currently a manager at McDonald's), because I was pre-T when they first hired me, there's a lot of people who know. However a lot of people don't know either because they are new. The only time someone at work who didn't knew found out was when it slipped between conversations with coworkers. For the most part though, no one knows and if they did, they're extremely respectful about it. For the most part though, I try to be stealth as much as possible.
Outside of that, at school and within my community I am stealth.
I understand the whole idea of "being proud to be trans - that's who you are" type idea and I have had issues with it in the past. I am simply not one of those people who will deny a part of my past and who I am/was...however I am not going to parade around and let the whole world know of what/who I am. If there is ever a time I feel like the story of my past is necessary to tell others, I do. I have given several talks/speeches about my journey of transitioning for some of my professors in college and to some of the LGBTQ groups here in my community. But I'd prefer to go stealth. The whole point of my transitioning is to feel more like who I have always felt like I am. Male.
It's not anyone's business of to what's underneath my pants.
OK it's been a loooooong time since i was on here (and on youtube >.<)
ELIJAH YOU LOOK F***ING AMAZING MAN.
I'm jealous. So jealous.
I'm still in high school and closeted to parents, so stealth is kinda impossible.
With PA birth certificat stuff, I can't. But as for telling everyone, no.
The people who *have* to, yes but im not gonna disclose easily.
Quote from: insanitylives on August 07, 2011, 10:36:08 AM
OK it's been a loooooong time since i was on here (and on youtube >.<)
ELIJAH YOU LOOK F***ING AMAZING MAN.
thanks! 8) :D :)