In an effort to enable me to open back up communication and to learn more about our shared experiences, I plan to create a few new threads regularly with simple, direct, questions. Feel free to answer as succinctly as you wish so as not to hinder communication (basically I don't want anyone feeling they have to write a book - I'd rather just hear from you even if it just a few short sentences).
So here goes: When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?
I'll answer for myself first:
When I'm triggered, I feel things like, "the world wouldn't expect x of me if I were a girl" or "it would be perfectly acceptable for me to do x if I were a girl" etc. This spirals into depression causing me to feel terrible that I have expectations on me because of my male sex - expectations that I don't necessarily meet.
Most of my thoughts are along the lines of "I'll never have the body I should have been born with," or "No one will ever treat me like a regular guy."
The very first one, always:
"Nobody will ever want to be with me. Nobody could ever love me. I'm going to be alone forever, so maybe I should just end it now."
Then it's usually hours and hours of crying as I think about how I've never been asked out or approached by a guy, so my thoughts must be true. And then more hours of crying. And then a nap. And then nothing gets done all day and I cry because I did nothing all day. Then it's bedtime.
That's most days recently. I need a job to get my mind off things. But the job search makes me cry too. "I can't do anything. Nobody will want me. I'm worthless to everyone." I just can't win right now.
Honestly, posts like these make me advocate hormones and plastic surgery so much. Why be sad in the body you don't enjoy? Face it, anyone who's at all upset over being Transgender is only upset because they don't like their body, it's not like any of us can't find jobs specifically because of our nature (and trust me, the only Transgenders who are discriminated are the ones who do not pass, we can make a list of users right now and compare a ratio of appearance vs. rate of discrimination and taunts, I'd bet anyone over $1,000 that the most passable and attractive of us are the least discriminated in any form or measure, and the least lonely.) Even the way our family accepts us is all based on appearance, I remember one study I read not long ago proved that passable Trans are %40 more supported by their parents than those who are born looking very not-passable. It's all relative.
Not that I'm pushing agendas, but I mean, why live unhappily? I mean, I look like a ogre mixed with a ninja turtle, but I know what my choice path is (more craniofacial surgery than Joan Rivers has had facelifts!) and quite frankly, people do it all the time. This is 2011, to me it's just shocking how conservative this forum is compared with all the stories and experiences across the net of other Trans who undergo surgery out the wazoo. They all love the transformations they've done! Sure, it's nothing to joke about and it's very expensive, very serious medical steps, but I mean c'mon, just like my ancestors (Native Americans) paved the way for America before anyone else did, we as Transpeople paved the way for surgeries like SRS, which would have never been invented if we didn't need it. Hop on the ball with craniofacial surgery too, it's no different!
Of coarse, I'm stuck in the same position as most everyone else; I can't afford it because insurance hates our needs. But personally, just the thought of saying "This is what I know I want, I'm sure of the path I'm taking, I know what will make me happy." gives me hope. If these types of surgeries simply did not exist, I would have committed suicide a very, very long time ago. The the fact that these types of surgeries happen is the concept that literally saved my life. I should have been put on anti-androgens when I was 11, that's what I deserved as an obedient, respectful child, but my parents didn't do that. It doesn't mean I don't deserve to make the choice to surgically undo what the lack of antiandrogens caused me. If hormone therapy could rearrange the bones in my face, I'd be 100% against craniofacial surgery (because surgery is indeed dangerous), but it can't do that.
I don't accept the term "GID" for this condition, but that aside, it is pretty much always "wish I lived in my own body" for me, or else "must be nice" in response to others who have what I don't.
Quote from: Zoë Natasha on August 28, 2011, 11:01:42 PM
"Nobody will ever want to be with me. Nobody could ever love me. I'm going to be alone forever, so maybe I should just end it now."
This too sometimes.
Quote from: RhinoP on August 28, 2011, 11:58:49 PM
it's not like any of us can't find jobs specifically because of our nature (and trust me, the only Transgenders who are discriminated are the ones who do not pass
That's... simply not true...
Quote from: Pinkfluff on August 29, 2011, 12:01:57 AM
That's... simply not true...
I've personally never have been called fat, because I weigh 115lbs. However, I know many people who have both been called fat and have been fired for being fat, because they are in the 185-285lbs range. However, because of my severely masculine face and female personality, I've been called names like ogre, ugly, monster, gargoyle, loser, pimple-face, grease monkey, baboon, cave man, gorilla, nerd, "ew!", "why does your face look so deformed?", barbarian, ect ect. Many employers have told me I'm not suited for various jobs despite having an ACT score higher than 93% of the people in the entire country, despite having an absolutely perfect credit rating (never have once been in debt or have taken out a loan), and despite not having a single legal or divorce record (not even a driving or parking ticket.) Most often, I've had family members, friends, and again, employers, who have told me that I'm too ugly and manly to pass as female, especially for the professional and non-disruptive image that the job position requires. (I'm talking about professional, stimulating jobs, not Walmart, a Pawn Shop, or McDonald's.)
Discrimination exists, and it's certainly much deeper than simply being Transsexual or a variant of it. Sure, many people here probably do not get discriminated against every day, but then again, I would bet most people here have very low standards of what jobs they work, most of them being jobs that probably hide them behind a computer or kitchen, even jobs they work at from the home. People who do not believe in their self-image often subconciously set low bars for jobs (that often follow patterns, [ex. jobs that do not require appearance]). If everyone here took the chance to put themselves out in the world as much as I used to (something that's essential for most people to achieve happiness), there truly are people here who'd learn very fast how the world works, and then there's those who well, because they're very pretty and do pass perfectly, wouldn't nor still haven't experienced extreme discrimination to this day. And as always, there's people who refuse to stick their head outside their front door unless it's do go to a Trans meeting, Best Freind's House, or Antique Shop, and well, you know....look at me, look at this forum, being a hermit never amounts to happiness.
It all brings one back to and answers the question of "Why does someone's
GID get all triggered and up in a wad?" If someone's happy, they're happy, and if they're not, then either something in the real world is causing it (or a lack of something [ex. excitement, romance, adventure, creativity, confidence, beauty, passability, money, ect ect], which I find to be the cause of 99% of the depression out there) or they plain out have a chemical imbalance specific to depression, which is not the case if the person can describe, to some extent,
why they are stressed. Even if someone doesn't know why they are stressed, it just takes a little digging, and because I've been a consultant for so long (concerning primarily plastic surgery), and have counseled and interviewed so many patients and people (2000+), it's still always shocking to me just how much physical self-image always ties to the psyche and subconcious actions. We all here simply would not be Transsexual if we were
born of the sex and image we want to be. At the very, very least, everyone here wants to have a different genitalia. It's what it having GID
is. It's a self-image issue, and so far, I believe the only way it can be cured is by physical surgery or otherwise such a enormous lifestyle (being a millionaire, being president, being famous) that its takes the mind totally off transitioning. People
cannot be hermits and expect GID to fade.
I mean look at all the posts above, most professionals (and users) would tell those people "Golly gee, you sound suicidal about your self-image, it is absolutely not realistic nor right in any one case to want to change the appearance surgically or hormonally, so you need to be put on 12 pills for depression and you need to pay me $120 to see me once a week, and you have to wait a year on RLE because I need to earn more than $2,000 off you." (most therapists say this) while I say "Get hormones, get surgery (on whatever you want to), get out of the house more, get a much livelier job, get happy." I personally think mine sounds like a better plan. In the end, both paths costs just about the same thing. 15 years of therapy could have paid for a brow-bossing procedure or a jaw-shave, hormones, hair laser, or even SRS. Why conform one's self to a body or face that makes one constantly think "I'll never pass". Either that person hasn't found the right wig, or they plain out need some "medical rearrangements".
And then of coarse, everyone here probably has other problems that are bothering them too, primarily deaths, debt, confidence issues (non-Trans specific), and health issues, but those things don't really trigger
GID self-image depression, which really is what this thread's about.
Quote from: Sarah7 on August 28, 2011, 11:17:55 PM
"You're a vile, twisted, mockery of a person. You'll never be a real girl. You'll always be a monster. Weak, pathetic, useless, worthless. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you..."
Well put Sarah.
"What's the point of transitioning? You'll still hate yourself."
"You're probably just a lesbian in denial."
"You don't really want to be a guy."
"You'll be dead one day, so why even try?"
"It's a waste of money."
"You're a pussy. You'll never be able to give yourself an injection."
"You'll always be an ugly monster."
"People will think you're just a hairy ugly girl."
"You're just making this all up. You're delusional."
Things like that... :/
Then I usually block everything about gender out of my mind, tell myself to stfu, or tell myself opposite things. Like, "You'll be a hot guy. Think of how much more comfortable you'll be with yourself. All the sexy guys will be staring at you." And I think about how fun it'll be to start working out and actually gain muscle.
Quote from: RhinoP on August 29, 2011, 01:45:50 AM
Many employers have told me I'm not suited for various jobs
I get the same thing. They say I'm overqualified for hourly jobs, but then they won't hire me for professional (engineering in my case) jobs either, despite having a Master's degree and applying to entry-level jobs. I've done many interviews, and even had managers say all kinds of good things to me, but yet still not a single offer. Then I see people equally or less qualified, some not even citizens, given jobs. I know one person who was given a systems engineer job with little or no training in systems or software, and who didn't even pass the drug test. Privilege will sure get you alot won't it?
Quote from: RhinoP on August 29, 2011, 01:45:50 AM
Discrimination exists, and it's certainly much deeper than simply being Transsexual or a variant of it.
Now this I agree with. Your previous post seemed to be saying the opposite.
Quote from: .Alexander on August 29, 2011, 04:08:27 AM
"You'll be dead one day, so why even try?"
That could apply to anything... Thank the Gods this body will be dead one day but that doesn't mean I deserve to live in suffering this whole life.
Short answers.
"I will never be able to get SRS"
"I will never be pretty"
"I will never have anyone"
"I am better off died"
Before transition, mostly just "Yuck" as I cringed and looked away.
During transition, more of the same while waiting for noticeable changes, along with thoughts of being a freak.
Thinking the lower half will never match the bearded half & wanting to stay home.
Wondering if this is really worth the losses and awkwardness
Thinking "Why now? You survived this long like that" and at the same time regretting not transitioning years ago...and spending most of my life half asleep/half alive.
You're terrified of needles anyway, you'll never be able to get hormones....
You just think you're a gay guy, but no gay guy would ever want something like you....
Unlovable...
You'll always hate yourself, no matter what...
You'll never be able to completely transition...
It won't work...
You'll never be a "real" girl.
You're ugly so why even try to be pretty.
Everyone wil see right through you if you try to be a girl.
You're a freak.
Other women will never accept you as one of their own.
You're just a gay guy, admit it.
This isn't what my body is supposed to look like.
I don't get words.
I get emotions.
I feel as if my body will never be right.
As if I can never overcome the things that are wrong with it.
And I start hating every little feminine part, no matter how ridiculously minuscule.
Sometimes I see a guy in the mirror and I have a hard time taking seriously anyone who treats me like anything but.
Types of thoughts? It starts with self-pity, and moves on into an attempt to overcome those feelings and thoughts by becoming a marytr. Feeling as if I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and pretending to be okay with that. Feeling like I can handle and overcome everything that goes wrong with life, be able to carry my suffering and keep smiling...
I doubt, however, that I can do that forever. That steel skin doesn't last forever. I hope, though, that it will last until my ffs/srs... or that I can fix those things in my life before things get worse. Getting a new job where they didn't previously know me as male would help.
Feelings of disgust with my body, followed by feelings of inadequacy, self-hatred, and hopelessness. These were usually accompanied by thoughts of "why do I even bother with anything at all?"
The only dysphoria I've felt since going full-time has been on days where I felt like I wasn't passing.
My body is quicksand
I'm a fraud
No one should see me
I am everyone's burden
Edit: the darkest: someone should kill me, I can't even...
Quote from: interalia on August 28, 2011, 10:57:11 PM
So here goes: When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?
Triggered? That's making an assumption that the feeling of wrongness ever goes away to be triggered again.
Quote from: Lisbeth on August 30, 2011, 10:41:11 AM
Triggered? That's making an assumption that the feeling of wrongness ever goes away to be triggered again.
For me at least and others I know, the dysphoria waxes and wanes though a constant hum can always be detected. I have triggers that send the dysphoria raging and I was sharing the types of thoughts that enter my head when it does.
Quote from: interalia on August 28, 2011, 10:57:11 PM
In an effort to enable me to open back up communication and to learn more about our shared experiences, I plan to create a few new threads regularly with simple, direct, questions. Feel free to answer as succinctly as you wish so as not to hinder communication (basically I don't want anyone feeling they have to write a book - I'd rather just hear from you even if it just a few short sentences).
So here goes: When your GID is triggered, what types of thoughts fill your head?
I'll answer for myself first:
When I'm triggered, I feel things like, "the world wouldn't expect x of me if I were a girl" or "it would be perfectly acceptable for me to do x if I were a girl" etc. This spirals into depression causing me to feel terrible that I have expectations on me because of my male sex - expectations that I don't necessarily meet.
My GID isn't really triggered much anymore. All that triggers me now (if it can even be described that way) is being stealth and being afraid I'd lose friends and respect if outed. I'm afraid I'd no longer be accepted as a man or people would behave differently around me.
Forgive me if this is too candid, Interalia, but from your posts here your GID seems triggered more by societal expectations of your birth gender. And I've had the same thoughts you just expressed since living as a guy. I don't necessarily like societal expectations placed on me now as male anymore than I did the female ones and I'm a guy. I suspect there are a lot of guys out there that don't appreciate society's rigid standards of manhood either. We just probably notice it more having lived as female.
Mine used to be sort of like that low hum, which got louder with age, and then there were the big collapses that were definitely triggered. Now, living as a woman, that low hum is pretty well gone and all I have to worry about dysphoria-wise are the triggered disasters. Usually it's set off by how I see myself in the mirror or by somebody else saying something that hurts me, often not even related to gender, but once I start spinning negative, my brain always ultimately goes back to gender stuff. It's a great way to beat myself up when my brain has that goal in mind.
I wouldn't really want to repeat the things I say to myself in that frame of mind. Not nice.
Quote from: Forum Admin on August 30, 2011, 01:22:08 PM
Forgive me if this is too candid, Interalia, but from your posts here your GID seems triggered more by societal expectations of your birth gender. And I've had the same thoughts you just expressed since living as a guy. I don't necessarily like societal expectations placed on me now as male anymore than I did the female ones and I'm a guy. I suspect there are a lot of guys out there that don't appreciate society's rigid standards of manhood either. We just probably notice it more having lived as female.
Lot of girls too on the other side of things. I find it irritating every time someone points out that something I do is "feminine" or whatever. I've managed to accept (grudgingly) that there are certain things like the way I move, gesture, talk, etc., that are biologically driven and inevitably will be "feminine" to a degree do to the structure of my brain, but I hate the way EVERYTHING has to be categorized and labelled by gender.
I'm actually unhappy with one of the tops I bought recently because my sis said it was femme. :-\
So, ya, if you are really referring to societal expectations, interalia, I can't say I relate. My dysphoria is about my body and how my body is perceived, not my gender role.
My dysphoria is always-on, although it gets stronger and weaker. Sometimes, it's just a matter of looking in the mirror and getting annoyed at the beard shadow that just refuses to be covered up or scraped off. Other days, it might be a matter feeling ugly and misshapen while washing "those parts" in the shower. On the really bad days, especially when I contemplate possibly never being able to go "full-time", I find myself praying that God will either "fix" my body, or take me before I wake.
Quote from: Lisbeth on August 30, 2011, 10:41:11 AM
Triggered? That's making an assumption that the feeling of wrongness ever goes away to be triggered again.
That's a good point. It has flare ups in addition to the chronic pain of it, like tall waves on top of storm surge. Less of a come and go kind of thing than a bad or worse kind of thing.
GID Thoughts that trigger that go off in my head.
Beautiful girls going down the street. I think to myself, they are soooo lucky. I wish I wasn't born with this wrong body, I never got the chance to grow up the way they did.
I look at my hands and wish they were smaller, or I look at my head and I think if I transition I will have to wear a wig the rest of my life.
Who would want to date or let alone marry a girl who used to be a guy. Who would want to date a girl even if she looks cute who does not have the right plumbing.
I have only xxxxx number of years til retirement and then how will I pay for my meds, will they be covered or subsidized for being a senior?
It would have been nice to transition when younger, now I have to go for the older women clothing.
Why can't people be accepting of us for being us?
Why do guys have to beat up gays or transgender people for simply being different. Why do family members or friends have to leave our lives when we tell then an inner dark secret we've been suppressing for years?
People say I pass, but do I really and do I look like an unattractive girl then?
Those are some of the things in my head.
Felecia
"You are going to die with boobs." "You will never be the man you need to be. You will go to your next plane after death being a girl and there won't be a thing you can do to stop it" I have very bad fear of dying before transitioning.
Looking in the mirror and seeing genitals or the lack of breasts. Results in me having general feelings of disgust at what I see. Often it results in despair ("why couldn't I just have been born a girl?") and thinking it will never get better.
When people close to me put pressure on me to do things that a traditional male does, e.g. a dripping pipe automatically devolves to me, fix the house, build x or y, I either feel very upset or have repetitive thoughts about self harm (but no intent to do it).
I'll never be accepted as or even look anything close to being a female and then not even fit being androgenous or even male. "I will be a freak and it is all hopeless." Of course, this thought then slows down my moves toward full transition... I wish there was a magic mirror so I could see that it would be alright if I did.
Quote from: Jen on August 30, 2011, 01:36:27 PM
Mine used to be sort of like that low hum, which got louder with age, and then there were the big collapses that were definitely triggered. Now, living as a woman, that low hum is pretty well gone and all I have to worry about dysphoria-wise are the triggered disasters. Usually it's set off by how I see myself in the mirror or by somebody else saying something that hurts me, often not even related to gender, but once I start spinning negative, my brain always ultimately goes back to gender stuff. It's a great way to beat myself up when my brain has that goal in mind.
I understand and fits how I feel. I can honestly say most days I feel no "gender issues" since I started living full time. But I still fall back on that when someone is mean etc which most likely had nothing to do with my gender. It's a great -card to play- when you feel you have been wronged. It's easy to blame all life's problems on being transgendered.
Stephe
Quote from: RhinoP on August 29, 2011, 01:45:50 AM
And then of coarse, everyone here probably has other problems that are bothering them too, primarily deaths, debt, confidence issues (non-Trans specific), and health issues, but those things don't really trigger GID self-image depression, which really is what this thread's about.
Of course these things do. When life throws me a curve ball, it's easy to fall back on "OMG I'm trans" thoughts when the problem is related to something else. I've learned to realize that I do this and look for a solution to the real problem.
I can understand some people need/want surgery for some very real reasons but I don't think it should be done as a tool to gain self confidence. If someone is insecure, no amount of surgery is going to fix that and they likely will never think they look/pass well enough.
thoughts that I usually get..
"""""I should just kill myself
why should I have to deal with this?"
I'm never going to be normal
because I'm trans.. I cant feel sex the normal way, I cant pee normally, I have to bind
this isn't fair, why did it happen to me? """"""
and my main one
"I HATE TITS, I WANT TO TAKE SCISSORS AND CUT THEM OFF, they are so gross, why do I have to deal with this? why cant I wear that shirt I saw in the store? why cant i go to the beach, why do I have to be in pain and bind, why cant I place my hand on my chest and feel my heart beating?"
I guess I'll have to think this question over for a couple of days, I've never really noticed what I think. I'm hardly even sure what triggers my dysphoria, other then that nasty monthly problem I have. Which just makes me think of myself as nasty.
Another thing that gets to me is that I'll never be able to father my own children, and well, that just makes me think of myself as less masculine. But there are tons of men who are infertile. It's not exclusive to transmen so that does ease the gender dysphoria a bit,
I'll think this over for a few days and maybe post again if I've realized something else. It's a good question.
My GID never really goes away, but at times it is extreme and others when it is a bit calmer. One of my main times is when I am at the beach and almost all the guys are topless and have very large and well toned pecs. It kill me. Also, of course shark week.
Usually I think things like:
Nobody will ever love you because you do not have a real penis. You are not a real man.
No one will will ever date you because they will be afraid of being labeled as a lesbian.
How are you ever going to feel pleasure? You can't feel anything through a prosthetic.
I might as well just kill myself.
Nobody else has to deal with having to spend on their money on packers/binders.
When the dysphoria comes, it is pretty severe for me. Now I am at a pretty blank stage, I don't feel anything, but at times I get breakdowns. What do I think? Well, something along the lines of:
I will never be seen as completely male because it is something I will not be
I will be seen as a freak and a disappointment by all people close to me
I will lose all the friends I care about if I even come close to telling them
I will be kicked out of school and never find a decent job. I will always be an invisible spot in society, about whom no one gives a cr*p about
How great it would be if I could just go ahead and saw off my chest and hips and cut my hair
I wish I could be like one of those guys I see just walking around, without a care in the world, no doubts and comfortable with who they are
I wish I could just at least shop freely in the men's section without my father talking about how it will make me turn into a lesbian, and my mother giving me the annoyed roll of the eyes and putting whatever I picked back where it was
No one will ever want to actually 'be' with me because they would not want anything to do with a man who was born a chick
I am probably batsh*t insane and deluding myself because I did not feel this way sooner
So yeah. I suppose 'cheers' is not a suitable conclusion for this post.
"You could only ever be an ugly woman"
"You'll never get curves, you'll never be feminine"
"Your face is already so bad and it'll never be feminine"
"Everyone will freak out and be disgusted by you, you'll lose everyone important to you"
Thankfully, mine is a short list. I'm new at this. I hope I don't gain any other downers about myself.
I don't ever have bad thoughts about my body or gender. My thoughts are more like the whiny "But I wanna transition NOOOW~!!" type than anything.
I don't really care what people think of me. However I do often bug out about my chest; it sucks having D-cups.
i normally focus on my apparent ugliness when I am dysphoric.
I also have bdd.
Wanting to squeeze my inner essence out of this 'toothpaste-tube' of my still too male body.
Just wanting to shed my outer 'stuff' like a snake shedding it's skin.
Total frustration that I do not have a womb and ovaries!
Frustration that I am not 'flat' down there.
Looking in the mirror and seeing too much male - still.
Hair growing unremitting in the wrong places - mostly my face.
Hair being too thin where they should be lots thicker - on my head.
That's about the worst of it --- YET, I do pass > 80%, ain't THAT funny?
Axelle
I have previously identified as a crossdresser and now wonder if it's more than that? Two nights ago I felt so depressed with myself and my male body. I dispised my male parts and felt hopeless about my situation. After a sleepless night I called my therapist and went in to talk. I have the classic story of dressing at puberty and since my wife has died the feelings have returned with a vengeance. if I had my choice I would be a girl for sure but at my age I thought I can just dress and satisfy my feminine self? Now I don' know? I look at myself and think I must be crazy. Being non passable doesn't bother me that much as i don't feel ugly when dressed. My mind and body are just not the same and Samantha's needs are becoming stronger. The other night When I was out at a straight bar a guy came up to me and wanted me to call his girl fried as a joke. I refused by saying that I am no joke. Then another guy came up to me and asked me if I had a p....y? I got so upset and almost cried on the spot. The bartender came to my defense and told them to leave me alone. She has been very nice to me. The first guy later apologized. Maybe I should just stick to bars where other girls go? I don't know where this will end up?
Samantha
Ost cried on the spot
Quote from: .Alexander on August 29, 2011, 04:08:27 AM
"What's the point of transitioning? You'll still hate yourself."
"You're probably just a lesbian in denial."
"You don't really want to be a guy."
"You'll be dead one day, so why even try?"
"It's a waste of money."
"You're a pussy. You'll never be able to give yourself an injection."
"You'll always be an ugly monster."
"People will think you're just a hairy ugly girl."
"You're just making this all up. You're delusional."
Things like that... :/
Then I usually block everything about gender out of my mind, tell myself to stfu, or tell myself opposite things. Like, "You'll be a hot guy. Think of how much more comfortable you'll be with yourself. All the sexy guys will be staring at you." And I think about how fun it'll be to start working out and actually gain muscle.
Thoughts like this, almost every time. I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror without binding and packing, because I almost always have dysphoric episodes when I do...
And recently (my worst attack while I was on "red tide") the thought came to me, "All it is is removing the fat, right? I can do that, I have a sharp knife, I have peroxide, if I can handle the pain I'm in already I don't need anesthetics, they'll suture me if I call 911. So I can do it myself. Right?"
That ->-bleeped-<-ing scared the living ->-bleeped-<- out of me...
I just get so sick of waiting and waiting... When I get dysphoric, I want to do something
now. But it's like all I can do is wait...
As happened today, I start to feel hopeless that my breasts will EVER grow, and that hopelessness begins infecting everything else.
You're just screwed up from a lack of self confidence.
God will damn you.
Remember how you use dream of actually being a girl? Even if you transition, you will never be that.
What about who you wanted to be professionally? Yea, kiss that goodbye.
You'll be ugly, obviously biologically a man, and you'll be a freak.
However, these dark thought are countered by hopes that every now and then break through... That there's always the possibility, and that maybe, just maybe, I should take the chance.
My shoulders are broad, my chest is wide, my hands are big, I'm fricken tall, my skin looks pimply, I hate having facial hair even though it makes me look better in guy mode, my hands are huge, my face looks more masculine than before, my body's hairy, I feel like crap, I'm ugly, I made myself trans from the internet, what if I change my mind? etc. And I get a headache, either it's testosterone or my mind thinks that it is.
My GID gets worse the more my body changes. Right now it's not as bad as it could be because my appearance is still kinda feminine, but......
I want to post here because I've been feeling very bad today and I haven't had a lot of sleep and I think if I just type something out here it will be a weight off my shoulders. I don't recall ever feeling suicidal because I want to live, even if I have a ->-bleeped-<-ty life (or if I can eventually do something to make it better) I still want to live because there are so many beautiful and amazing things in this world I want to see and experience that have absolutely nothing to do with my issues.
When I get triggered...
Why can't I be normal? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be a tomboy girl? Who the hell would want to date a person who looks like a man but has a vagina? Even if I transition people will see right through me. They will laugh, point, sneer, scream, punch, poke, kick, bite, stab, shoot me if they find out....They will make fun of me and say how could anyone ever love such an abomination like me. How could anyone ever love this hairy, muscular, pathetic excuse for a woman who thinks she is some artificial man.
Genetics are destiny. You can never be a man. You don't have a penis. You can't ever have sex the way you want and you should just accept what you were born as and MAKE yourself be comfortable with it. You are going to fail at life and you will never be motivated and you will be a sad excuse for a human being because you can't stop thinking about how you want to be something you can't be and you need to get over your anti-social behavior. It's stupid. Just act like a woman, like you were born. Have some kids. When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get married? Are you going to be Mrs. XName?
......
That's the same thinking that made me dissociate back in middle. school... Don't let it get to you. Kay?
You're in a better position than I was. You know what trans is and you're in a group that can give you support. So take it from a guy who's been there, don't listen to it. Make YOU happy, not society.
Get upset, sad and angry. Feel that I could have had massive success in my old career if I hadn't been messed in my head by the whole trans thing. Feel my life has been stolen as I'm sure I would have made it were I born female both as regards partners, family and career.
Always think it's like being give a pack of cards. One knows the cards as in Ace, King, Queen, Jack, 10.. Hearts, Spades, Diamonds..., but doesn't having a freaking clue how to play the game one is meant to be playing. That analogy always comes into my head and makes me think how desperately unfair it all is. Can't play 'Bridge', have zero interest in learning and would be incapable of doing so anyway, would find it horrendously boring, not my kind of people and so on... Had a psychologist once who said he thought it pretty much summed things up.
- No one will ever love you, how can they?
- You'll never start T or have top surgery because you're too poor and will never have that kind of money
- No girl wants someone like you
- If you transition then everyone will know what a freak you are
- You should be ashamed of yourself
- You'll never be a guy just hang yourself
Yeah, that kind of stuff :'(
Quote from: EmmaM on August 29, 2011, 06:26:37 PM
My body is quicksand
I'm a fraud
No one should see me
I am everyone's burden
Edit: the darkest: someone should kill me, I can't even...
That last one has come to me too, it's the worst...
The main thoughts that drag me down are:
No matter what I do i'll always be ugly
This hasn't been helped by my mother telling me that i'll make an ugly woman. I don't want to be beautiful for other peoples benifit, I just want to look in the mirror & never see a man again.
I'll never find a man who could love me for who I am inside.
I'm a freak
Quote from: Kentrie on September 14, 2011, 01:13:54 PM
- No one will ever love you, how can they?
- You'll never start T or have top surgery because you're too poor and will never have that kind of money
- No girl wants someone like you
- If you transition then everyone will know what a freak you are
- You should be ashamed of yourself
- You'll never be a guy just hang yourself
Yeah, that kind of stuff :'(
Crikey, I feel a lot of those things too. In my darkest times, the last one.
These are my GID thoughts:
- If you transition, you will end up like a chemical cartoon. You'll be dependent on chemicals and fixing surgeries for the rest of your life.
- Maybe you never got over the abuse, and you're just wanting to be a guy to escape the pain of being beaten as a girl.
- You'll never pass, your boyfriend will leave you, and no one will accept you.
- Who the hell will hire you now?
- So you're a guy in a woman's body, fancying guys? Aren't you causing unnecessary hassle for yourself?
- Nothing will get rid of those hips. Not surgery. Not T. Nothing. So go on, break yourself.
It scares me how destructive these thoughts are. I never knew until I wrote them just now. Don't know what to think.
I can't believe I forgot this one as it's the thought that screws me up the most:
My facial hair makes me feel dirty & my body hair is disgusting (chest hair is the worst for setting this off), i'd rather be smeared head to foot in doggy doo than be hairy
Things like,
'You just wanna be a gay guy, you don't wanna be a bi/pans girl (which is what I identified as before I came out to a few people as trans)' though now I consider my orientation to be quite fluid. probably sounds stupid but.
'You'll never be accepted a male with THOSE boobs. They're huge. It's not like you care about your body, so just go out and act like a cis-female whorebag, you'll never pass as anything else.'
When I have my monthlies: 'Uck. You are disgustingly feminine(which I know doesn't necessarily equal girl, but, still, monthly makes me feel like such a fake, like I'm never gonna be a good enough man), you're never gonna pass without T (which for me is something that is years away. I'm a newly discovered 15 year old transman), but good luck getting you, you stupid fake little BITCH'
'I shouldn't have boobs. I should be muscular, naturally flat chested and tan, and I shouldn't have the downstairs equipment either. I should have what I didn't let my ex-boyfriend use (lets just say I was confused about my orientation and I thought I was a cis-gendered female, true story).'
It makes me want to cry, or scream or hit things (like brick walls) or makes me want to hurt the body I'm trapped in. Make it hurt physically just as much as it hurts me mentally.
'You'll lose your job if harley comes out of the closet. It's just a stupid little game you like to play. (I dont have multiple personality, referring to harley or hayley (my birth name) in third person is whaat I do because I feel trapped between both 'me's right now)
'You know the reason your sister points out your boobs at every given opportunity, and calls you she and a girl. It's because you are and that's all you'll ever f**king be.'
'Your dad hates that you want to be a guy, that you feel like a guy. You aren't a guy.'
'Your mum is trying, but you heard what she said, you'd be taking her daughter away from her.'
'No guy or girl is ever going to love you for 'harley' hayley maybe....but that's a chance in 6/7 billion.....'
Thats half of it anyway.
I don't view myself as having GID. However, I am not happy with my breasts. I sometimes envision myself as having flat chest like a guy. I also feel that my breasts are just bothersome and would like to have them removed and aren't just "me".
I don't want people to reflect anything else than what I am. So for me its Hormones first, re-spike the body into something new, go through puberty again. Then like the proverbial teenager I can learn what is the best course of action for me (ooh growing up as a woman that's it)
I imagine I will have different thoughts in different stages of transition; seeing that the moment I am just beginning my journey.
At the moment the the thoughts that seem to cripple me are "I'm stuck living as a man completely miserable and trapped; or I can be free to come out to the whole world and lose everything. My job, family, etc. and I will never be loved and I will be completely alone."
I find it really difficult to deal with really. I feel so trapped and desperate that I must continue to transition. At the same time I am willing to lose everything that is dear to me to accomplish it. I am so heartbroken by losing my family that I feel like I'm evil. I blame myself of course because it is me who isn't "normal." Sometimes I find my guilt is as hard to deal with has my GID.
Why was i born this way?
am i the chosen one?
does this make me special?
does this make me better than everyone?
are aliens using me as some kind of experemint to see if humans can accept sex changes? lollll
no one will ever see me as a girl or treat me like one until i pass 1000% percent.
putting a gun to my heart would be much easier and quicker and less painful than all these surgeries.
im a fighter so then i say.
i willllllllllllllllll pass one day. i will get what i want. i will do all my surgeries.
i will get the last laugh!
i will do whatever it takes to pass as a woman 1000%
i will win!
a few more surgeries is all you need!
but then what? what happens after im perfect and nobody reads me?
will my life be perfect?
of course not,
i know tons of rich famous beautiful people that have horrible lives. *charlie sheen pamela anderson lindsay lohan britney spears all on drugs and single and they are rich famous gorgeous.
i think whatever problem comes it can be fixed,
never give up, you havent lost until youve given up,
your only problem in life is time.
but in time you will get there, in the meantime enjoy the ride,
beacuse one day you will look back and appreciate what you have more than anybody else cuz youve worked so damn hard.
beacuse you had to fight tooth and nail from the start to have the body you should have been born with!
and once you get it you will appreciate it more than any man any woman on earth,
never give up,
never!!!
Shaving your face in the dark because you dread the thought of looking at yourself....and not caring at all about what the results were.
Wondering about your sanity. A general feeling of helplessness.
I am pretty okay most of the time. I do have some negative thoughts, mostly when I have to leave the house in "girl mode" because of my current circumstances.
-I've made it this long, so why make my family miserable?
-Dad will never talk to me again. I'm his only "daughter". Is it really worth losing my only parent?
-If I can't talk to Dad, I won't be able to talk to my brothers. What if they need or want to talk to me? I've been there for their entire lives.
-What if my husband/partner leaves?
-I prefer guys anyway. If I was stronger I would be able to live like I am.
-I hate my chest. I hate my figure. I will never pass even with years of HRT.
-I still like some girly things, so maybe I can just be happy like I am.
-What if I can't get a job/into grad school/my PhD?
-I'm being selfish. Very, very selfish.
-If I really wanted this, I would just go buy the T and start on my own.
-Who will be proud of me?
Mostly stuff like that.
"Do I really have to have sex like that?"
"Don't look in the mirror, don't look, you know you're a monster."
"Just give up, you will never be able to afford every thing that you need to pass."
"6'4", 250 lbs = impassable and masculine...take hint freak and accept it."
Just to state a few of the thoughts.
The last 20+ years have been a waste.
If I'd seen/done something about this sooner, I might have a better time of it now.
How am I meant to be free with "her" debt still hanging round my neck?
Why did I keep having sex with guys when deep down I knew it felt wrong?
Will I ever be in a position to enjoy a relationship?
Will top surgery hurry up and happen before I do it myself..
Wish I didn't have to worry about locks on/present doors in the gent's whenever I need a p*..
Will I ever be able to get my head straight and make a decent living?
.. yeah, I'm feeling pretty low right now :(
I'm a freak.
I'm not fooling anyone.
It's never going to be okay.
I should never ever have lived, my friends that died deserved the life more than me.
I will never be loved.
I will never love myself.
And so on...
I feel so useless when Istart to think about the body I have.
When I felt very bad sometimes I ve put some music and told these voice in my head to shut up.
I've learned that these thoughts are delusional and not me, cause I still hope to make my part insociety one day. I have love from everyone, altough I am not out yet, sometimes I feel they know me better than myself, my familiy accepts me and everyone I meet is kind.
I hope that soon after crying considering the problem, other thoughts will prevail
Fight harder
Be slimmer
Study more
Focus more
Be smarter than everybody
Be kinder than everybody
But if they try to break you, don't let them do it without scratching them.
If what you do is not enough then do something more, you can prevail
You can
No more GID, that's the good part, now having "girl-issues" is the bad part.
Smart enough, BUT....... nowhere near fem- and good-looking enough -ever-!
Ugly girl/duckling syndrome?
Lucky enough not ALL THE TIME, since my new "clam" looks at least some 40 years younger...
Oh well,
Axelle
Quote from: Axélle on November 18, 2011, 10:52:09 PM
No more GID, that's the good part, now having "girl-issues" is the bad part.
Smart enough, BUT....... nowhere near fem- and good-looking enough -ever-!
Ugly girl/duckling syndrome?
Lucky enough not ALL THE TIME, since my new "clam" looks at least some 40 years younger...
Oh well,
Axelle
Lol I never thought about how aging might affect that particular anatomical region. Now my head is all cockeyed and I'm really trying not to research the topic. xD
Wow Felix!?!
guess why "vaginal rejuvenation" has move so far up on the aesthetic surgery lists - 'cause they tend to get a bit sloppy with age and of course child birth...
Mine is brand new, and no child birth effects either - at least something compared to age lines in the face, no? :-)
Axelle
Quote from: Axélle on November 19, 2011, 12:53:50 AM
Wow Felix!?!
guess why "vaginal rejuvenation" has move so far up on the aesthetic surgery lists - 'cause they tend to get a bit sloppy with age and of course child birth...
Mine is brand new, and no child birth effects either - at least something compared to age lines in the face, no? :-)
Axelle
I probably have childbirth effects. Human heads and even baby bodies really shouldn't be exiting through genitalia. The physics are crazy. I do Kegels, but that's internal change and not visible. Childbirth is gnarly. I had a small episiotomy, and then I fell and ripped the stitches and made the incision crooked, but that was just perineum stuff. My vagina in general...come to think of it all the girls I've been with looked pretty different (they were all younger than me), but there haven't been that many of them. Maybe I don't watch enough vagina-containing pron. Sounds like a research project.
It actually not THAT complicated (vaginal rejuvenation).
Its mostly is labia plasty (plus some clitoroplasty) - labia minora tend to keep growing with many ggs as one gets older, and sometimes one side more then the other. That makes for an 'apron' (Hottentottenschürze) and often a skew one at that... also my require some tucking - before wearing hot-pants and some such.
Take the current school-girl-vj-look (bald) all is on 'show' leading to some self-critique in this area. It would trigger not GID but self-rejection/embarrassment, seeing oneself in the eyes of one's partner?
Sorry, still slightly of subject - I may be forgiven?
Axelle
Quote from: Axélle on November 19, 2011, 03:06:23 AM
It actually not THAT complicated (vaginal rejuvenation).
Its mostly is labia plasty (plus some clitoroplasty) - labia minora tend to keep growing with many ggs as one gets older, and sometimes one side more then the other. That makes for an 'apron' (Hottentottenschürze) and often a skew one at that... also my require some tucking - before wearing hot-pants and some such.
Take the current school-girl-vj-look (bald) all is on 'show' leading to some self-critique in this area. It would trigger not GID but self-rejection/embarrassment, seeing oneself in the eyes of one's partner?
Sorry, still slightly of subject - I may be forgiven?
Axelle
Hmm. I just did some image searching. That german word brought up some great stuff, as did the phrase "labia apron." Color me edified.
My labia minora are definitely longer than the majora, but I like it. It feels good. The inner stuff is more sensitive, and I like it being kinda outer. It's not something I was aware of until recently. About a month ago, I shaved for the first time since teenagerhood (I prefer natural fur), and I was a little surprised at how much the external appearance had changed.
Lol I just took it further off subject.
Let's bring it back. I may not have much genital dysphoria, but my chest makes me want to not be seen. For an ftm, I think the previously mentioned word "tumors" is appropriate. Feels creepy to have these things clinging on. Makes me feel tainted and defiled.
And yet more GID thoughts?
When ever we hear you guys going on about your 'tumours' all it does to us poor flat-chested TGs is getting ever so sad (me, no question) that we can't just have a donation and take that unwanted 'extra' of your hands - well chest rather... sob.
We see a gg with cleavage we get jealous --- grrrrrrrrrr it bits us in the nose!
I keep on wishing, funny eh,
Axelle
PS: though I just can see the flipside regards our original bottom configurations... oh well, nothing at all to donate there, other then just a little 'filling'... (corpus cavernosum penis) soooory
Mostly shouting "you're a f****** idiot" and "I hate you" repeatedly at the mirror.
Also
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Why on earth do I have this chest?" (most of it is top dysphoria)
:-\
So much shame of cusing pain to my kids, so afraid of goign to the grave with an "outie," I will never be able to change my voice
Even when I get on testosterone...I feel like it won't matter how "manly" I look (body hair, facial hair/shape change, muscle, top surgery) if I don't have a penis. Even if I managed to get phalloplasty, I'd still be inferior to bio-men, and straight women wouldn't want me, or worse...would cheat on me 'cause I'm not "man enough" for them. Can't even fulfill their possible want for creating biological children together :'(
Kills me just to think about it...