I'm back at college, attempting to present as a girl, and I feel like an absolute freak. For the past few days I have left my room on very few occasions, and when I have I have been afraid of being noticed in general. I'm so sick of trying to "pass", it feels like such an unnecessary stress during a time when I start to lay the ground for my future career. This seemed so right even a month or so ago, now I feel like the guy in me is fighting for his survival. Classes start tomorrow, so I REALLY need to decide which way I'm going to present. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there is no going back either way. On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.
I spent all of my freshman year moping in my room, so I don't have any friends here for support or guidance. It's not helping my cause at all.
Thanks all
The problem: I enjoy the idea of being/becoming a woman, but it isn't really helping me feel any better about myself, in the end.
If this should be somwhere else, redirect it.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 29, 2011, 06:38:07 PM
I'm back at college, attempting to present as a girl, and I feel like an absolute freak. For the past few days I have left my room on very few occasions, and when I have I have been afraid of being noticed in general. I'm so sick of trying to "pass", it feels like such an unnecessary stress during a time when I start to lay the ground for my future career. This seemed so right even a month or so ago, now I feel like the guy in me is fighting for his survival. Classes start tomorrow, so I REALLY need to decide which way I'm going to present. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there is no going back either way. On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.
I spent all of my freshman year moping in my room, so I don't have any friends here for support or guidance. It's not helping my cause at all.
Thanks all
The problem: I enjoy the idea of being/becoming a woman, but it isn't really helping me feel any better about myself, in the end.
If this should be somwhere else, redirect it.
Passing shouldn't be your main concern simply because it is stressing you out. Forget about it right now. Youre in school. If you're viewed as a transgendered person you need to become at peace with that. You will notice the more comfortable you are, the less you will mind when people stare.
You've come far, I hope you hold strong.
I have friends who have transitioned after college, but I hope you take the challenge of remaining lovely.
It seems like you are trying to rush things...
Hmm, think of it as a very heavy person putting on their beach thong after they have lost only 5 pounds. Maybe in a year or two after they have finished with their diet (transition) they could pull it off, but if they ignore everything and just "express who they are" when the world doesn't see it that way... they simply stand out and it is a horrible experience.
Give yourself time. Slow down. Start hormones and let your body start doing its thing. Grow your hair out, slowly add in new feminine aspects (such as eyebrows)... but all of it happening slowly without shocking those around you. It will let your mind grow into things as well... you will feel confident. Heck, maybe you will never be able to pull of a frilly dress... but you will find some style that you can work with and looks good as long as you don't blind yourself to the reality of your sittuation and surroundings.
For example, the first time I went crazy on my eyebrows (the other month) I was very self conscious about it!! I thought everyone would say things about it or look at me strange or try to avoid me. But, none of that happened (mostly, I got a couple "that is new" looks). The thing is, now I am completely comfortable with how things are (and so is everyone around me). If I walk into the grocery store full of strangers, I'm not even thinking about my eyebrows... and I have confidence (when you don't have confidence, it draws peoples attention...because it is a sign that something is wrong).
This is the same thing that happened the first time I started wearing a bra... I was afraid everyone would see it if my shirt bumped against me a certain way. But now, I hunch over when tired (and I KNOW it is sticking out) and I really don't care (and neither does anyone else). I act normally, and people interact with me normally.
For me, my transition is happening slowly. I will absolutely NOT wear any female clothes (other than a sports bra) until I actually look female. I don't want to be seen as some freak or pervert. Sure, I would love to rock a nice dress when I go out for dinner and be absolutely stunning... but I'm not going to let my WISH become so strong that it blinds me to what I really look like (again, fat guy in a bikini scenario). I would be self conscious and uncomfortable and it would have others react negatively towards me (which would only make me feel worse). Why do that to yourself?
So, stop trying to force yourself into a space you aren't ready for yet. Just relax... be yourself (and COMFORTABLE), and slowly branch out to explore / express yourself.... make friends, show them bits of your feminine side slowly...and they will accept you.
Again, for example, when I meet strangers I present as a guy (maybe a bit strange looking for a guy, but people react to me as a guy). When I make friends, I tone down the playfull / feminine aspects and slowly add them in. Eventually I am completely about expressing my feminine / playfull sides to certain people and they are 100 percent accepting of it. I am slowly surrounding myself / finding people in my life who accept me, so as my transition continues... even if I run into problems ... I will have things to fall back on and people who I know will see how wrong it is.
This is just another part of slowing down... you don't have any of this in place...and you are trying to jump right into the center of the room before even starting your physical transition??
Maybe its not time for you to Full Time it yet, De-Transition No! For some its head first, others it is a buildup to, meaning gradually or partially. Don't know what your Major is, but it is important to get that degree...$$$ ;D
There are things you can do right now to aid in your transition, Hair Removal, HRT, Voice training, etc. If you completely freak right now it could cause you to "put her back in the closet", believe me she'll bust the door down in the future, ! Are you seeing a Therapist? Check out the Campus LGBT center or similar, might help.
I think Transition is similar to other endeavors that after the 'feeling" recedes, now the work remains. For me, my transition to Full Time is approx. 2yrs (at least on paper that is, really, I wrote out a plan and gave it to my Therapist), I'm older than you and "she" will bust the door down. Everybody tells me its a Journey, so the path isn't always a straight line or short for some of us.
Hopefully some others will give you better advice than my BS ;D ;D :laugh:
I don't know, this is a personal decision, one that you have to make.
If I looked like you do in the avatar and were starting a new school year I'd go for it.
Any gear but reverse.
Today being trans is not a big deal.
I'd much rather be trans than a guy.
Obviously, being a woman is better still.
I'm not gonna tell you what you should do but i will tell you from my experience detransition unless you REALLY REALLY have to is NOT a good idea. I transitioned for a year at your age then detransitioned and the regret i feel from that is extremely painful. This isn't something that goes away with time, time is all you'll waste if you detranstion. :P
As others I would just say this isn't a race or anything. Take it as slow as you need. If it feels wrong, you may not be ready for full-time yet. That doesn't necessarily mean just toss the whole idea of transition altogether. Take smaller steps and feel it out a little more. Let peace (or lack thereof) be your compass. Dysphoria probably isn't going away. It's up to you to find the way of managing it that works best for you. In time those needs may change.
Oh, hon...I've been living as a man for a couple of years now, and I still feel like a freak sometimes. I think it goes with the territory for a lot of us until we settle in. I fully realize that there's a bigger stigma for people going from M to F, but you know what I mean.
If you think that going back will help you to focus more on school, that's something to consider. Sometimes going backward a little can save your sanity. But also think about how far you've come and what it does for you, personally, and not how it makes other people react. Make a list of pros and cons. In the end, you might just have to go with your gut, but don't neglect the rational side of things.
Somebody, maybe Patton, once said (and I paraphrase), "If you're in hell, keep going." It might be less painful to do that, but only you can decide.
FWIW, that's a cute avatar pic. Is it you?
Quote from: Rabbit on August 29, 2011, 07:18:13 PM
It seems like you are trying to rush things...
...........
This is just another part of slowing down... you don't have any of this in place...and you are trying to jump right into the center of the room before even starting your physical transition??
Awesome. Thank you so much for these words!! Truly
Rep +1
I'll second those here who are suggesting taking your time. Uni or College is probably the best place to learn to express yourself. There will be lots of students who are experimenting with their identity, so you will soon find you fit in. Just a matter of getting out there and not giving a rat's a*** about what others think.
Relaxing and taking time to get each little bit right is a good way to do anything new.
I will be at Uni next year as a mature age student, and am looking forward to it.
Karen.
The only thing I can add is to look down at my signature.
And never give up. It isn't worth going back.
Just do it. I'm the same way, have felt the same way. I think we sometimes put WAY too much thought into trying to present female, instead of just PRESENTING female. Don't over-think the situation. Grow a pair. Don't be a pussy. Say "->-bleeped-<- it" and pretend you are confident, even though you might be terrified on the inside. I know where you are coming from, and it's not fun. But trust when I tell you to just do it. Being born the wrong sex is already the worst thing that could have happened to you. And you survived that. You can survive anything that life throws at you.
You have support here either way you go. Transition just might not be the right path for you. And that's okay too. After all, this is YOUR path. However fast or slow you take it, it doesn't matter. You may even find you are androgynous. But, whatever you decide, stay in school and get that degree! Good luck. ^_^
I'm not going to say that you should DT (detransition) or that you should go full time in school. That's your decision to make. What I will say, though, is that you look good. If your voice is at the very least androgynous, and you behave like a girl, then you should have nothing to worry about.
If you DT, and you cut your hair, imagine all of the time you spent growing it out, now going down the drain. Is it really worth it? It may make things easier now, but think down the line, how you may regret your decision now. All of us have those types of regrets. You're doing so good now, is it really worth throwing away all of the wonderful progress just for a little bit convenience?
Again, if you feel it is what you must do, I won't say that you're wrong. I don't judge, and I absolutely will not judge you if you decide this is what you want to do. But I think you should carefully weigh in everything, and take a serious recap of what you've accomplished up to this point and then decide if it's worth moving backwards in your transition.
I hope I was able to help, *hugs*.
Quote from: Samantharz on August 30, 2011, 01:46:48 AM
I'm not going to say that you should DT (detransition) or that you should go full time in school. That's your decision to make. What I will say, though, is that you look good. If your voice is at the very least androgynous, and you behave like a girl, then you should have nothing to worry about.
What do you mean "behave like a girl"? I honestly don't know what that means outside of the "walk", the "talk", and not using too many masculine phrases or expressions. I only have one friend, who is a guy, so I have relatively few oppurtunities to act feminine (whatever that means). The friend in question doesn't even go here so I am all but completely isolated from campus life. Crossdressing in public certainly isn't helping.
I don't really want to give it up, but I am feeling quite afraid at the moment. I'm afraid to talk, because I don't want to reveal myself, I'm not sure if I am walking feminine at all (I probably am not because I am feeling so nervous) so I leave my room as little as possible. I've been working on my voice, but I'm just so nervous when I'm out in public that I tend to just let my guy voice slip (which isn't too low in the first place). Voice-wise, I'm mainly concerned about class participation; I doubt with my presentation right now I will be able to speak in class at all. I think I may have entered full-time too soon and didn't prepare well enough.
Truthfully, I doubt it matters very much whether I pass at this point or not. Virtually everyone here saw me as a man last year, so it's not like I have anyone to fool. My main issue is living up to my own high standards.
Don't worry so much about being feminine, just be yourself.
You can't walk around thinking about how you walk.
Just loosen up, walk how you like. Eventually you'll have your own walk.
Ok, maybe make a little effort on your voice, but don't get crazy.
Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Don't worry so much about being feminine, just be yourself.
Yup.
Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
You can't walk around thinking about how you walk.
True, cause then you probably walk funny.
Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Just loosen up, walk how you like. Eventually you'll have your own walk.
Walk like your a girl. Don't try to walk like a girl, but know that you are a girl and because of that fact alone, the way you walk becomes the way a girl walks.
Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Ok, maybe make a little effort on your voice, but don't get crazy.
I disagree slightly. Work on your voice, go crazy, master it as quickly as you can. Even if you don't transition right now, you'll save yourself so much work later.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 30, 2011, 02:57:56 AM
Crossdressing in public certainly isn't helping.
Think of this way. You're a girl right? You're crossdressing when you dress in male clothing.
I'm going back to college this fall myself and I am going back as Autumn. No one except my old faculty advisor and a couple students still lingering in my old department know my old name. I'm not going stealth (ha, as if I even could at this point!) but I am doing what I can to limit how much of the old life is known during that critical first impression period. I don't want people to think of my name and identity as optional. I considered waiting until Spring semester to go full time, but that would require meeting all the new people in my new major as a guy, and then convincing all of them that fact had changed over winter break. :P All around, even though I don't pass yet, I feel it'll be easier this way.
Just go in with your head high.
If you're not confident, fake it. If you're scared out of your wits, pretend you're not. You just have to last until the end of class and you can find a moment by yourself to let it out. Your mind will be racing, but if you keep a smile on your face even when you're panicking, all they'll see is a very self-assured woman. Once you've got that image planted in their head, it'll take some real work to get it out. But if you walk in as a guy on day one, that's what they'll see even if you go through transition later.
Very simple answer to very simple question:
CONTRADICTING!
You your self write that you are a woman within you boy body, boy self fights for place in life amongst external, girl want to be there in emotional life internal. Hence the text book Transsexual stereotype of fight within and being miss understood by society for the wrong body. Many girls never make it because of this tremendous pain and confusion.
You a5re who you are and so far I can tell from your own report, you are a transgender woman soul trapped by boys avatar, and the need to see for your self the girl you are is of utmost importance BUT, what is even more important is your sanity and emotional stability to be able to survive through this.
Hence my suggestion, just as many others had pointed out, you are a girl weather you put on a wig, dress, necklace, makeup and stuff, or jeans and Tshirt!!!!!!!!!!
If your presentation is freaking people around you then STOP!!!!! Get your butt to the mall, get your self some woman's jeans, Tshirts and voila! you will feel fem on the inside as you are, but present non-gender-specific on the outside. No wig, No makeup or very light, non noticeable.
Slowly open up to your peers and tell them the truth you will be surprised of acceptance then, I PROMISE!, and then slowly when they know you become more open in your external appearance.
No one had build or created anything from the finish but from beginning through completion. Do what comes naturally, slow assimilation.
Love Inna
Just go as yourself. If anyone ask say your androgynous. Tell them its an experiment your going for to see how people react to people who do not look either male or female. But your picture definately looks female so just go as you are and let it be an experiment and don't get into details with anyone. The word will get around that your experimenting and soon others will be asking about trying it too.
Go for it don't make it a big deal since you say they all know you from last year anyway.
Hi there,
Going to college and transitioning are two big decisions to make. Maybe you feel that you need someone by your side at this time. Are there councelors at the university where you are? Maybe you can talk to them. Isn't there an LGBT office? Maybe you can hang out there when you feel out of place and need support and people there will be able to help you with your transition and coursework.
It would be good to have someone around.
When I look at myself in the mirror I see a guy wearing makeup. I think it's time for a change. Sorry that I wasted all of your time. I'm pretty sure that I'm just unhappy with myself; not necessarily with what gender I am.
Devin
Graverobber, you didn't waste anyone's time!!! *slap* - That's what we're here for, to support each other. So don't think like that!!! *hugglez*
You're feeling what I think all (or at least most) of us feel. It's more of a mental barrier than a physical one. I was on hormones for 8 months before I went out for my first time, because I was terrified. Because all I saw was a guy looking back at me. And when I put on makeup, all I saw was a guy wearing makeup.
It took soooo long for me to break out of that funk. But looking back, I know that it was all in my head. Sure, an additional 10 months of hormones did some extra good stuff for me (which is what you see now), but I know that it hasn't changed me THAT much. I just had to work through that mental barrier.
The best way to do this was to find people who you know personally, who can support you, and who can give you critical feedback. Who can tell you if you're blush and eye makeup make you look like a clown; tell you if your clothes look 75 years too old for you; and to tell you that you're beautiful and truly mean it. My breakthrough happened on the same week that i went out for the first time, when people didn't know I was trans, and thought I was a lesbian there to support other trans people.
Graverobber9, are you a lesbian here on this site just to support trans-people like me? Because I can't tell that you're trans. ;D ;D
Cheer up though, a lot of girls would go crazy to look as good as you do right now. and especially since your so early in your transition, you're already pretty, but you're going to be stunning later on. Once you find your look (clothes, makeup, hair, etc), and find your confidence (which comes when you realize you're not a freak and people aren't staring at you!!), you're going to be an even more amazing person than you already are right now.
I implore you to - at the very least - talk to a gender therapist or psychiatrist about your feelings. Let them tell you whether or not you should transition. I don't want you to make a huge mistake and decide not to transition because of fear. Because if it comes back, and you decide transitioning is what you truly need, then you'll deeply regret not doing it sooner. I think most of us here can attest to that.
*hugs*
It's hard to judge just based on an avatar photo, but you seem to present just as feminine as many of the cis-women I went to college with. Certainly, there were a number of women with rather masculine voices. In fact, I can honestly say that we had students who seemed FAR more "freakish" than you might be feeling right now, and they seemed to get by just fine. I suspect the fears may be out-pacing reality, but I know quite well how hard those fears can be to overcome.
Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is necessary for you to make it through life day-by-day. All I can say is that I really wish I had transitioned back in college; it would have been so much easier than where I am now.
Whatever you decide you have to do, we're here for you. Be who you have to be, and know that we care.
"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966
I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...
The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...
I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.
I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.
Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.
There are some pretty unfeminine trans girls around (just like there are some pretty unfeminine cis girls). Me, I've never worn a dress in my life and I probably never will. I know I'm a girl because I know my body is wrong, not because I like pink (I don't). Being feminine and being female are really completely separate concepts.
In the end only you can know what's right for you. Perhaps you just aren't all that binary. Which is perfectly cool too. :)
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966
I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...
The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...
I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.
I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.
Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.
When we remove societal factors, what we like, and largely who we are as people, is gender neutral. You stay as the same person through transition, you just correct how others perceive you. There may be a small difference between male and female, but that difference can separate us from living in hell, or being free.
I've gone through the same thoughts you have. And what makes me want to continue this process, is that at the end of the day, when I look at that mirror, the reflection is still not mine...yet.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 30, 2011, 02:57:56 AM
Truthfully, I doubt it matters very much whether I pass at this point or not. Virtually everyone here saw me as a man last year, so it's not like I have anyone to fool. My main issue is living up to my own high standards.
A couple of things. An old woman once told me "When you get old you will far more regret the things you didn't do than things you did" which I have found to be very true.
Reading the above quote from you, you need to lower your standards and just be yourself :P
I transitioned in place, most people know my past or know of it. I think I pass OK on casual inspection (as I don't draw a crowd when I go out, no one freaks out when I walk into the women's room etc) but I also realize some people figure out I am TG if they interact with me for very long. But they also still KNOW I am a woman which is what matters to me.
I too have things I like to do that are "guy things", like doing "handyman" jobs for friends and at my church, I still ride and work on my motorcycles etc. I guess I am a mixture of both genders but present as mostly female. You don't have to force yourself to "be girly" if that isn't who you are. My boyfriend is actually a lot more girly than I am lol.
My main goal is not to "pass" as a natal female but to be seen socially as a woman and to be as attractive/pretty as I can be. I am VERY self confidant that I pull this off well and people anywhere I go seem to accept this/me. I think what you are lacking is the self confidence that it's OK to be yourself. It's not easy and it took me a long time to get as confidant as I am with myself but IMHO, that's what it takes.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966
I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...
The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...
I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.
I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.
Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.
This is why I hate ambiguous concepts like gender which are really nothing more than a social construct. The things you like do not define what sex your brain is. If your brain wants to be inside a female body then that makes you a transsexual, not whether you like ponies or the color pink or tutus and princesses.
As for being afraid of other's perceptions at school, I completely understand that. I had like five meltdowns the day before my classes started when I was finally full-time. I'm in a program where all the same students are there every semester, so I knew I was going to be anything but stealth. It was scary at first and some people ended up having harmless questions and that was the worst of it in the end. Even now, I'm taking a new elective where I was hoping to be stealth, but since my old name was still on the records I got outted today by accident. It felt like a knife in my gut. I wanted to start crying right there. But life went on. The students I worked with were friendly and we were all chatting and laughing in no time. Sometimes the person who is the most scared and freaked out by the big ol' ->-bleeped-<- in the room is just yourself.
Don't apologize, we're here for this very reason; to help you, Devin.
My advice would be to stop focusing on behaviors and hobbies, and focus entirely on your feelings. Forget completely about what you enjoy doing as your pass time, and focus entirely on just your feelings. Are you girl or are you a boy?
If you stayed the exact same person you are right now and didn't conform yourself to arbitrary social standards of what gender is; which gender would you be most comfortable living in?
There is no wrong answer. No matter whether you choose boy, girl or both.
I think I understand how you feel, I had these same thoughts since I was 10-11 so for about oooh 7-8 years? I would question myself I didn't want to make myself be something I wasn't but I was judging off the wrong thing. I was judging from social norms or what girls "should act like". Am I a girl? yes, do I like D&D and rock and roll and being a smart ass? yes, but that's just who I am! Everyone is different :) I have traits that could be masculine but does that necessary make me a guy? nope. The thing your thinking I believe is, "what part of me is a girl and what part is a boy, and which am I?" You are you and nobody else, it's up to you decide how to present yourself and what you truly feel like, its your emotions that I think you should go by.
All in all I think it's best that you sit down and think about it for a few days then talk to a therapist.
Also what Samantharz said shes a smart cookie ^^ >.> *yum*
I'm honestly starting to feel that dressing as/being a girl is sort of doing more harm than good. I am just starting to feel quite disconnected from the essence of my Self, not to mention less confident than I have ever been (which is saying quite a lot).
I don't know what to do or who to be.
"How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?"
- John Lennon, 1971
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 11:52:26 PM
...
(snip)
I don't know what to do or who to be.
...
Quote from: Hamlet Act 1, scene 3This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day
No matter what you do, do it for you. I too, detransitioned years ago and have lived to regret it.
well you could.....just be yourself? sorry if that sounds harsh but just spend some time doing what you want not caring what gender it's in. If you find that you are way more comfortable in "guys clothes" dress as a guy if "girls clothes" dress as a girl, do what You want, not what your Gender socially expects.
The entire issue of gender and self is very complicated.... it is no wonder you are confused :P
Basically, no matter what attribute you decide to gender as "male" or "female"... you are going to find it actually exsits in the other gender as well.
Even things like genitals!
So? Are you male? Or are you female?
How are you supposed to decide that? Is there a checklist that you go down? What are the collection of attributes which decide a male or female? Hobbies? How much you cuss? How you are sexual? Again, everything you can think of is going to be found in males AND females.
So? What is the real issue at hand?
The real issue is if you like the effects of hormones and if that is something you feel will improve your life or not (the entire issues of what improves your life is very individual).
For me, I like the effects of hormones. If you make a list of the "good" and the "bad" that come along with the hormones and transition... there are a lot of things on both side...but, one of the biggest at the top is how you see YOURSELF when you are alone.
You can make friends who accept you. You can find a job that accepts you. And, you can find someone to love you. Simply, you can manage your way through life transition or not. But, in the end, if you aren't happy with your own body... or your own state of being... you will regret things.
I couldn't go back to testosterone :P I just really enjoy the effects hormones are having (on my mood for example! huge bonus!). And my body is shifting in a direction I find more beautiful :)
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PMthere IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...
The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...
Whoah! Slow your rolls there, partner. You are making this a lot more complicated than it actually is. You are committing the logical fallacy that I like to call "overanalyzation fail"
I want you to do something for me. Eliminate everything from your mind. Just forget about everything for a brief moment. Are you ready? Ok, good. Now, I want you to ask yourself one question. Do you want to kill slimes as a guy, or as a girl? The answer to this question is extremely important. Just keep in mind that, contrary to popular belief, girls can also play Dragon Quest.
You seem to be confusing gender identity with hobbies. Once you realize that they have nothing to do with each other, you will be much less confused.
It's more confusing than that, especially regarding music, because I enjoy SINGING as a guy. I just love crooning and singing low in general. I don't want to change my singing voice or cease performing live because of my new gender role.
I'm honestly pretty sure that I'm not going to transition at this point. I'm just finding transition pretty illogical at this point; it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman inside at all anymore.
* ...it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman at all inside. *
Well my good man, now there you got your answer! :-)
Short and sweet, kicked confusion in the butt. Very good.
I guess kicking it all about here must have helped you more then some therapy sessions, and then some.
I'm sure we all wish you the best of success with your decision to be who you are. That's what life is about after all.
One BIG hand shake from me then --- hey, and please don't break my wrist... :-)
Axelle
Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 29, 2011, 06:38:07 PM
<Snip>
... On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
<Snip>
... there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...
The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...
I'm not remotely qualified to pass judgement but from the two statements you've made above leaves me concerned.
Being a woman is not "very much liking to look like a girl" and there being a "guy and a girl in you" leaves me believing that you are no where near the point of trying transition. Transition is the last act not the first. I'm not sure if you have discussed these feelings that you have with your therapist, if you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do, as it may bring to light other issues before it's too late.
I don't wish to sound harsh but you express many doubts, anxiety and unhappiness. I would strongly recommend that you stop, get on with your education before you make a mess of your life, and in a few more years rethink this and if you feel you are TS then move foreward.
I can relate. Looking back, I wish I knew now what I didn't know then. I would have done things differently.
Personally, I feel we all know what's right for us, even when we feel lost. All we have to do is eliminate all the outside influences bouncing around in our brain and see what thoughts are left. And in there we should find our answer.
If you know transitioning is right for you but your confidence is getting in the way, do it slowly. You can gain confidence along the way.
As far as singing, I can relate to that too. I really miss it. And there's no way this Barry White voice will ever get within a galaxy of Minnie Riperton. You get some, you lose some. You have to decide what each will be.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 09:33:40 AM
It's more confusing than that, especially regarding music, because I enjoy SINGING as a guy. I just love crooning and singing low in general. I don't want to change my singing voice or cease performing live because of my new gender role.
I'm honestly pretty sure that I'm not going to transition at this point. I'm just finding transition pretty illogical at this point; it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman inside at all anymore.
I just want to point this video out if you have never seen it:
Bell Nuntrita a trans tailandesa que interpreta com duas vozes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuaaHq_o-uQ&feature=fvsr#)
I was looking through your past posts, and I wanted to ask if you have started HRT, or even gone to a gender therapist? I think you are expecting too much from yourself too quickly. I did a similar thing. Come the beginning of summer, I had NO reason to not present female except at work. I was out to all my family and friends, and for the most part, they were all supportive. But I couldn't. I may have set everything up, but I hadn't started HRT yet, and I simply wasn't mentally prepared. But that's ok.
Transition is different for everyone. I'm friends with one girl who went full-time the day she started HRT. She couldn't understand how I could go anywhere wearing boy clothing. I have another who inspired me to finally transition, and she still isn't full time, despite making the effort to begin the process over two years ago. I remember Samantha saying again, again, how it took her eight months on HRT, before she started presenting female on a regular basis.
Ask anyone who has gone through it, and they will tell you that transitioning was probably the hardest thing they ever did in life. It usually doesn't all at once. And it's different from person to person. Only do as much as you feel able to. Don't rush to being "fulltime" when it sounds like you are not emotionally, or mentally, ready. Don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard to break that cycle. For me, putting myself down has become an art form, but it's a waste of time and energy. I know it's easier said than done, but spend that energy on bettering yourself, at exploring yourself, at saying "yes" for a change.
I'll leave you with this:
Tom Waits reads Charles Bukowski (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va1t6a0zCkQ&feature=related#)
Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.
Thanks yallz
Devin
There are a lot of ways to find a balance in your life.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.
Thanks yallz
Devin
Honey, please go see a therapist. I'm not saying your wrong, but you obviously have feelings and confusion that brought you here to this site, and I implore you to seek some help regarding those feelings.
Quote from: Samantharz on September 02, 2011, 12:19:49 PM
Honey, please go see a therapist. I'm not saying your wrong, but you obviously have feelings and confusion that brought you here to this site, and I implore you to seek some help regarding those feelings.
I couldn't agree more with this. Cis-gendered people don't typically even have these thoughts or feelings. Transition isn't for everyone, and in some ways, it MAY be better if you can live in your birth gender.
However.
Go see a therapist who specializes in gender therapy. When I was your age, I had an epiphany about being transgendered. It was too much to handle, though. I scared myself over the reality of the situation, and convinced myself that I was merely a crossdresser with a developed feminine half.
Again, please, please seek mental health. I think more of us have been where you are, more than you think. Just take care of yourself and be happy, whichever way that is.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.
Thanks yallz
Devin
Hey if you really feel like ur a guy, life will be MUCH easier than dealing with being transgendered. And there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about this later. Deal with school and maybe in a few years you might have a clearer head about all this when you're not in the whole dorm/school environment.
I just hope that you don't feel as if you will need to "man it up" now that you are going with male. Just do what you like, don't be afraid to say you like girly things (even as a male). You will be a lot happier if you learn to express both sides of yourself without feeling that some things can / should only be expressed if you are female and others can/should only be expressed if you are male.
If you are confident and find friends that accept you, you will have no troubles :) Basically just be yourself. If you don't like talking about the things guys talk about... don't (i always found it offputting).
Though, for the longest time I just figured I was a guy with a strong female side (didn't even know about transitioning or hormones). So I accepted things as they were and was generally happy (expressing my feminine side online and keeping real life strictly male except with a couple close family members). But, in the end, I think I was just trying to make the best of the sittuation I had.
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back... ::) I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore.
Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best of me. :-\
Hey i am glad your facing the truth inside your heart. Life isn't easy but it does get better.. hugs D
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back... ::) I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore.
Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best of me. :-\
If it makes you feel better I detransitioned a few years ago because I didn't have any supportive people around me. I think it takes a lot of strength to transition when it feels like you're the only one on your side. I wish you the best and hope you have at least a good therapist to help you through this.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back... ::) I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore.
Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best of me. :-\
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/David_Baker-Hargrove_PhD,LMHC,DAPA,CCFC_Orlando_Florida_45705 (http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/David_Baker-Hargrove_PhD,LMHC,DAPA,CCFC_Orlando_Florida_45705)
Him. Skype. Trust me.
If not, like everyone else is saying, find a good gender therapist. Therapist's shouldn't be gatekeepers, but they are vital source to help us adjust to our new lives.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back... ::) I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore.
Well like I said, don't feel like you can't change you mind on all this. Honestly it does sound like you have more than just gender issues going on. This is just being thrown on top of everything. As "an obvious ->-bleeped-<-" myself I totally understand what you mean and I agree it's much better that -being a boy- and for me trying to 100% pass as a female doesn't feel right either. I'm sure you'll figure this out in time what is right for you. It took me 45 years to get to a comfortable place so you're already way ahead of me!
*hugs* Devin, whatever you decide, we'll be here. And don't hesitate to post, ever, if you're having trouble with things. We are here to help each other, that is the reason this site exists. We won't exile you if you decide to detransition. Your health and happiness is what is the most important. So be who you need to be, and damn the world! We all support you. *huggles*
Quote from: Samantharz on September 02, 2011, 10:57:13 PM
*hugs* Devin, whatever you decide, we'll be here. And don't hesitate to post, ever, if you're having trouble with things. We are here to help each other, that is the reason this site exists. We won't exile you if you decide to detransition. Your health and happiness is what is the most important. So be who you need to be, and damn the world! We all support you. *huggles*
^^ What she said.
I can't imagine trying to transition all alone, Devin. I'm only breathing because I have the support of my family and friends to get through the worst period. I think you are very brave, but that's even more of a reason to get hold of a good therapist, just so you have someone, anyone to talk to about it with. Getting stuck inside your own head is a really scary experience. Maybe talking a bit more about it here would help to get it out of your system? At the very least I can promise that you'll find people here who relate and sympathize.
Much love, hun.
I'm glad you came to a conclusion, just don't think that every conclusion is final ^_^.
I hope you enjoy your college days and I know you'll make some good friends, and if you need support, well that's what the website is for :D
Hugs~
only read the first page so i may be repeating a few points but I have a handful of thoughts:
1. ask almost any TS who transitioned after 25 what there biggest regret is and it's likely to be "why oh why did i wait?!!?!" the older you get, the more you look back on lost years and opportunities. i can't speak to your specific circumstance in terms of the progress of transition, and there's certainly nothing wrong with "catching your breath" - but if you really are TS, you will very much regret quitting.
2. college is the PERFECT time to do what might make you "feel like a freak" - unless it's a religious school or a very strict place, there are "freaks" all over the place and no one is noticing you - but you.
3. As for "being like a girl - I'd bet a considerable sum that if you go forth presenting as TS that you will acquire a number of "girlfriends" (not the dating kind) before winter break. Some girls will surely give you a hard time, but others will virtually adopt you.
4. Most importantly - the #1 factor in passing (beyond the basics like a fresh shave and such) above all others: Confidence. the old saying goes "fake it til you make it" Go out your door with your head high, your chest out, and as little doubt as you can arrange that you look GOOD and there's no reason anyone should not see a girl - and most will see a girl. you have to remember, most people are not really looking that hard.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back... ::) I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore.
Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best of me. :-\
Trust me, go about your business and accept it warmly when girls are nice to you - females are much more emotionally connected (in general) than guys and there will be empathy and a bit of "sisterhood" - not every woman, some will resent the intrusion. but in my experience, you'll make "girlfriends" if you are receptive.
Quote from: Tammy Hope on September 03, 2011, 02:17:04 AM
3. As for "being like a girl - I'd bet a considerable sum that if you go forth presenting as TS that you will acquire a number of "girlfriends" (not the dating kind) before winter break. Some girls will surely give you a hard time, but others will virtually adopt you.
lol! i have been running into this... all the girls I have come out to have become a lot more friendly (as in friends type of friendly) and a lot more open / chatty / wanting to do things.
Woopsy,
I had a notion when I did my post in calling you "my good man" --- that be pepper on the tail of YOU my bunny, was it?
So what is it today? Dude or Girl... or?
Hey, and what's wrong being a ->-bleeped-<-?
Please no offence to who ever feels this to be a derogatory term, I for one think it more cute then derogatory. But that just me. What we may call: "word reclaim"
You may say "->-bleeped-<-y" and "fishy" too for all I care, eh.
Some more ideas from the reclaim bag, hehe :-)
.........
->-bleeped-<-y = female version of cocky,
fishy = :-) calling all post-ops... calling all... :-) hehe.
Err no, actually calling all HOT femme dressers, not soo bad then, or? :-)
.........
So nice to hear you still with us girl, baritone crooning and all
Axelle
You can still go as a boy and take hormones, you know? People will notice, and sometimes hearing that you're "a girly looking guy" is less embarrassing and more comforting than "manly looking girl" or "->-bleeped-<-", because emphasis is put of feminine. Besides your main focus should be your studdies, why concern yourself with something so superficial as gender presentation?
If being a girl means you're acting half of the time and being self-conscious the other half, then your studdies will be hindered by it. There's plenty of time to explore gender later on.
Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too.
According to a very trans educated therapist, what you said would be described in the gender spectrum as transgender (not the umbrella term). She defined it as this, "Having one foot in each camp, male and female, and not wanting just one or the other." She also said out of the four categories in the gender spectrum, this was the toughest. I've often thought this could be me.
Not liking who you were and not quite who you want to be?????????????????????????
Baby, a classic definition of GENDER DYSPHORIA, yin and yang of TG self. This will surface nearly all of the median interval of transition, but will quiet down when both, female and male self, merge into one cohesive being. Such is the road to sanity, first you got to go insane............sorry you must walk this path but you are most definitely not alone.
Love Inna
Quote from: 8888 on September 03, 2011, 03:53:30 AM
why concern yourself with something so superficial as gender presentation?
Speaking for myself this "superficial" thing as you call it absorbed way too much of my time and energy for many years of my life until I finally dealt with it. For some people, their gender issues are all about their own physical body and they are fine being on HRT, hiding their gender issues from the world. I know a few MTF TG's who have been on HRT for years, live as guys and seem fine with doing this. But for others, like me, how I am seen and treated by others is huge and the other stuff like HRT is just to enable me to present as my true gender. So please be careful, what you consider superficial could be VERY important to someone else.
Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on September 02, 2011, 10:40:15 AM
I just want to point this video out if you have never seen it:
Bell Nuntrita a trans tailandesa que interpreta com duas vozes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuaaHq_o-uQ&feature=fvsr#)
*what* a voice!