Went out the other night with a lesbian freind of mine and met this really nice guy who fell head over heals for me. She helps me dress up really sexy. I think it turns her on as well. He really thinks I am a girl. We made out all the way home and he still really dosent suspect anything. I am on HRT and the breast have really developed nicely. All he could do is play with them. I was really turned on as well. When do you tell someone what is up????
Ouch.. Difficult one.
Me; I wouldn't care, but then again; I'm a bit of a Pan. He might care. So I'd say he ought to know before he found out between some sheets...
Perhaps it's a good idea to start a chat with him about.. Well, start with your friend, who's homosexual. Then gradually work your way up to other sexuality-related things. Along the way, you can find out his opinions on all these subjects. Then toss transgender in there somewhere; you can easily find out his opinion on the matter without outright telling him you are TG.
If he responds completely uncaring about all, well, that's a good sign. If he responds well, well, even better. But if he responds negatively.. Well, you know what he feels about it, then, and it's not good.
In any case, near the end of the sexuality conversation, he'll know you're transsexual. But you won't dump him in the deep, since you 'warmed him up' to the subject.
And if that fails... Well, that's just miserable. So you'll just have to message me for a virtual hug. If it ends up well: We'll do the hug, anyway, and celebrate!
Anyway; there are a lot more experience people around here, on these boards, so I'd wait untill you heard their opinions, and advice, too.
Good luck!
Dryad.
If you've played around... don't tell him. Don't ever tell him. We've seen too many tragic stories with these circumstances. This relationship will most likely fail.
If you meet someone you think you want to develop a relationship with.... don't play around. Wait until you can tell your story. You'll know when the time is right. If he's the right guy, he will appreciate your circumstance and the fact that you have held back until you have told him.
Cinci
Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 27, 2007, 01:55:58 PM
If you've played around... don't tell him. Don't ever tell him. We've seen too many tragic stories with these circumstances.
If you meet someone you think you want to develop a relationship with.... don't play around. Wait until you can tell your story. You'll know when the time is right. If he's the right guy, he will appreciate your circumstance and the fact that you have held back until you have told him.
Cinci
Oh, thanks Cinci ;). That's some good advice. This was one thing I have been wondering about lately too.
Melissa
He just turns me on something awful. I am all woman on top, and he loves them. He takes me out to nice places. He has even taken me out shopping to get new clothes. I hate to use him just to buy me stuff. I am afraid if he finds out he might dump me. I really like the attention he gives me. I could just melt in his arms. I do plan on resignment surgery. Just have to wait till I can afford it. Hope I can string him along for a while.
Quote from: debisl on February 27, 2007, 02:04:13 PM
He takes me out to nice places. He has even taken me out shopping to get new clothes.
I thought you just met him the other night?
Julie
QuoteI thought you just met him the other night?
Same, here.
But anyhow, I'd say living a lie is worse than anything. If someone can't love you for everything you are, can they ever truly love you? Or is it just me, being hopelessly romantic? (Which I am, by the way. Meh... Doesn't always help me see things in the right perspective, of course.)
From personal experience I feel Cindy is spot on !!
It might sound a bit extreme but I won't even let a guy start kissing me now until I have told him. Yup, it probably spoils some of the fun I could have but I feel it just isn't fair on the guy concerned.
Also, is it really fair to string this guy along ? The longer you keep a secret like this from him the more potential there is for it to be a much bigger issue than it needs to be when he finds out. Also, aren't things like honesty and trust an essential part of any relationship ? I know how I would feel if someone told me something big like this after we were already in a relationship !!
Becky
xx
Hi, debisl!
I have to agree with Cindi but I feel that the warning should be stronger.
Tell him right away and make sure you do it over the phone or in a letter or around a lot of other people. Not alone!!
Too many girls have been beaten and/or murdered in just those circumstances!!
I'm sorry you really like him and you felt that not telling him would be a good idea just so he would not have the chance to reject you. I can truly understand why you did it this way. But you have to know that this strategy can very well prove to be fatal for you. Please tell him and do not string him or anyone else along ever again.
hugs & smiles
helen
Guys react violently when they find out they've been 'made' into 'homos'.
Tell him upfront. If he leaves, you didn't want HIM, there will be others.
Karen
If you have already fooled around.... kissed, petting, whatever. Don't tell him. Watch the Gwen Araujo film if you need to know what I'm talking about. Let him go as soon as you can.
You do not want a man to feel like you have made him do a homosexual act. Girls like us die over this sort of thing.
Cindi
I don't agree with that, neccasarily Cindi. It depends on the boy. And it's not right to judge men out of hand as being violent murderers.
I'd probably do it in a public place like a restraunt. But gods, ending a relationship with a man just because you've made out with him is a little paranoid I think. Most men are intruigued by pretty transsexuals.
Bri
Bri, you are correct of course. Gross generalizations are just that. They don't always apply.
Good judgement is key. But since when do any of us have our senses when all this is concerned? It was a lack of prudent thinking that got Gwen killed. She had oral sex with some boys. When they found out, they beat her to death. Where sexuality is concerned, you must be very careful indeed.
Cindi
I hear what you are saying. I live on a small horse ranch by my self. It is just so nice to get out of the jeans and go to town all dressed up sexy and be with a man. Maybe I should let my friend find the
right guy for me that dosen't care what gender I am now. I hope soon to be a comlplete woman. Everyone in my area already thinks I am woman. That was my plan to move out somewhere where no one knew me. I have started my life over.
Yes I have kissed this guy and he has played with my boobs. That is as far as it has gone. Perhaps I should just cool it. Better to be safe than a dead horse girl.
Thank All
Deb
Okay... ranch... horses... Yes Deb. Keep quiet for now. No, I don't know anything about him. But a rural setting with a cowboy does not give me warm fuzzies. I too have moved out to a nice rural place. I do have some land and my neighbors are terrific. I absolutely love them and their wonderful little quirks. But I will never, ever tell them. And this is California!
Finish up your body project. You'll feel a lot more comfortable with yourself and your mind will be straight. You'll be much better prepared mentally to handle the right guy when he comes along.
Cindi
I still don't agree with that COA.
No one ever has a right to know. They don't. You don't have a right to know everything about someone before you kiss them for gods sake.
Being a transsexual is not an excuse for someone to murder you.
No offense, Cindy - but I have noticed older transsexuals are absolutely paranoid about this kind of thing. It seems like an unreasonable attitude to me. This is 2007, times are changing.
Bri
I'm with Brianna.
Of course; I don't consider myself a murderous madman. And I think most men aren't. Give em a chance.
But they should know before you make out. If he then replies with: Who cares; he's all yours.
I really don't have a HORSE :) LOL in this race, Mark and I dated before my transition, he was the one that has encouraged my transition. He might have had some selfish reasons, his company is very homophobic. But I am the one enjoying the out come. He benefits from the stepford wife I have become, but its cool once a month or so I have to play the part. I do have friends that have gone both ways to tell or not to tell, if it were me I would tell ONLY if your serious about this guy and then only in a very public place, you'll have to read him at the time is he having a good day and so on.
I have told him I would like to cool it for a while. You see I live way out in the country. He dosen't have a clue as to where I live. I visit my friend in the city once in a while. She is lesbian. She has been my main support for a while now. She has helped me dress the part, walk the part, and make-up the part. A female is invaluable when it comes to helping you become what is so easy for her. She has 30+ years of experiance behind her. My voice is the only thing that gives me away at times, unless I am very concious of my surroundings. At the ranch I should work on my voice all the time, but I don't. If I am talking to my horses I often talk a little deeper than usual. I guess I do that to incert some force in my commands. I need to stop that. Maybe a female voice might soothe them.
I think I have mastered the look of a woman. I have been working on it a long time now. I can remember as a little boy, wearing panties from the clothes line. Then dressing us as a girl in my teens. It was hard at times. I would sneek over to my suposivley girlfriends house when she was not there and wear her clothes. When I was 20 it was all I could do to keep my identy consealed. I really started dressing full time as a female at 25.
I am very darring. I didn't care who knew what was going on. I wanted to be happy with my self. It took a lot of exersise to gain the right look, but I was determined I was going to be female. My friend has helped a lot.
Deb
Don't forget too that there are folks who are perfectly accepting of us but aren't looking to get involved with a pre-op. So in regards to the suggestion of bringing up the subject in conversation, you might get a favorable reaction even from someone who wouldn't be comfortable with the whole story.
I know, but I realy don't want to get the s___ kicked out of me. I don't like confrontation. This guy is really nice, and he has bought me things. Pretty things! It is awful tempting to continue to date him, but I really don't want to jepradize my life in the country until I have SRS. Better to be safe. I don't want to have to move from here for something stupid. I just hope I feel the same way after SRS about guys. Hope it is just a mental thing. So far I really like guys, and the attention they give me. Hope I have been a girl long enough to keep my sanity after I am complete.
Deb
That's the same dilemma I currently face. I think I may try the upfront approach for now and if somebody accepts me, then I will be SO MUCH more comfortable.
Melissa
I understand! I just don't want the whole town where I live looking at me in a different light. I do have a reputation and business. As long as they think I am a woman I will continue to get their business. Business means money to get SRS. This is a mans world, atleast here. If I can dazzel them with feminity so be it. I will have to keep the harmonal urge for a man under rap for now. I am so torn up about this but I guess I do need to play it safe.
I can always go to my friend for comfort, but to be in a guys arms is just something.......well you know
special, wanted.
I am going nuts here enough
Deb
I understand your circumstances are different. I was pretty much stating what *I* will probably try. Half the people in my life already know I'm TS and that's only because I choose to let them know or they knew me beforehand. I am not going to do anymore stealth than that until after SRS because of the dilemma. Another dimension to this dilemma is the fact that if you tell somebody and they still want to be with you, will they be seeing you as a woman or a TS?
Melissa
Melissa you have been such a sweetie. Thank you for listening to me unload my case full of emotions. It has been a while since I have trusted anyone to talk to. My girl friend, and I talk all the time. I don't mean that in the boy/girl sense. She is a girl and is a deer friend. I have never been interested in girls except for mimicking them. I have never been interested in boys either until I started HRT.
I was called a ->-bleeped-<-,queer, amongst other terms when I was in my teens. When I was 21 I said enough was enough. I worked sooooooooo hard to look like a girl. I watched all of the television work-out shows for women and exersized just like they did to gain the look they were after.
I have gone it alone, but thought that was the only way I could make a clean break. I am not lonely. I have met a lot of nice poeple in town. I even ride my horse into town for a drink or two, and ride back out into the sunset. I can dream of a life with a man, but who knows what this life will bring.
Deb
No problem Deb. I am still exploring this new facet in my life. I used to be completely into women, but thing have been changing with HRT. My interest in women has really waned and my interest in guys has really blossomed. I've been with several guys since I went fulltime. One was an FTM who knew I was TS and the rest were in stealth and I never ended up telling them. I do like the stealth thing, because you *know* they see you completely as a woman, but I also realize that method probably won't get a relationship anywhere. Right now I'm trying to find a guy who knows upfront I'm TS, but is straight and sees me as a woman. I know, it's a real challenge.
Melissa
Quote from: debisl on February 27, 2007, 01:30:10 PM
I think it turns her on as well. He really thinks I am a girl. We made out all the way home and he still really dosent suspect anything. I am on HRT and the breast have really developed nicely. All he could do is play with them. I was really turned on as well. When do you tell someone what is up????
You put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation, making out with a guy who doesn't know you have a penis. I would never get physical with a man until I disclosed.
I have been hanging around with guys for a long time and they are unpredictable and scary. Even the nicest guys can get angry and cause damage before he even thinks about.
I`m glad you decided to hold off . We don`t want to read about you.
Angie ;)
Deb,
I believe you have just 4 months to your SRS date.
Don't do anything stupid in the meantime.
As a pre-op you have to tell as soon as it goes beyond that first kiss as there is a huge danger of giving yourself away in intimate circumstances ... with all the dangers that have already been expressed.
As post-op it doesn't become that much easier ... sure you can get away with it until something from your past catches up ... at your age if it comes to talk about children ... why you don't menstruate ... why you need a weekly dilation ...
Post op I think you can form a really close relationship enabling you to judge the guy well, and wait to tell just before it gets to sex, or maybe soon after sex for the first time.
You really need to "hook" the guy before you reveal, as if you mention it too early on most guys will do a runner. But revealing too late into a relationship will make it look like you have been deceiving them and did not feel you could trust your partner.
Never revealing is just not an option other than for flings and short term relationships, and what if that short term relationship ends up looking like its going to go all the way to marriage ?
Laura x
Hey Deb,
I agree 100% with Laura, and that if you are serious about this relationship, then it's best to come right out with it and tell him, instead of being deceptive. I told my GF a month after where were getting serious that I'm a cross-dresser, and it's improved our relationship so much.
Gina :icon_dance:
Thanks girls
I have not seen the guy for a long time now. It was over shortly after I posted the info here. I am very close to SRS and I have been a good little girl. I have dated a guy, but he knows what I am. Best of all he dosn't have a clue as to where I live, and he lives far away in the big city. Good thing is, he is married. We got together through a friend. It is nothing serious, just a good time out. We do have a good time. It gives me a chance to release my emotions and sexual feelings.
Hopfuly after my surgery and I am healed up, I can enjoy things the way it was meant to be
Thank you all for being there for me
Deb