Why do I keep getting miss-gendered???? My chest was flat, I had on all male clothes and jacket. I bought rogaine for men when I got miss-gendered. This is killing me! I'm just about 9 months on T. This is ridiculous! I just wanna cut myself up. I can't take being miss-gendered anymore. How long is it gunna take until I pass??? 10 f****ing years?????!!!!
Do I look male or female here? This is what I wore when I got miss-gendered. I just took this pic. My height is the only thing I can think of... but then again there are tons of short cis guys, do they all get miss-gendered??? What is it about me that looks female??? I'm just so upset.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi852.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fab86%2FBrody_81%2FMe4.jpg&hash=531eaa71fd3af730b7769c54ef77458d09c459e4)
I'll be honest. If I didn't see you on this website, I wouldn't have thought you are trans. You don't look trans at all. I wouldn't have thought you were born a female.
That being said, I have something to say about the cutting.
I know someone who does this, or rather, used to do this. It was an addiction basically and it hurt everyone around them when they would do this. I love this person and every time they showed me, it would kill me. It's so painful to see. Cutting solves nothing. And this ONE person isn't worth leaving a scar on your body for. Trust me on this. I know it has to suck a lot. I know it hurts. But this isn't worth it.
I know this probably doesn't help too much but please think twice before hurting yourself.
I don't know how you were misgendered because you look 100% male to me. Was it a man or a woman who misgendered you? I don't know why, but I've found that ciswomen misgender me far more often than anyone else. And I agree - please don't hurt yourself. I know how painful it is to be knocked down by being misgendered, but you look 100% male to more than one of us and I'm sure there are heaps of folks out there who agree.
Quote from: Nick on November 09, 2011, 06:33:26 PM
I'll be honest. If I didn't see you on this website, I wouldn't have thought you are trans. You don't look trans at all. I wouldn't have thought you were born a female.
That being said, I have something to say about the cutting.
I know someone who does this, or rather, used to do this. It was an addiction basically and it hurt everyone around them when they would do this. I love this person and every time they showed me, it would kill me. It's so painful to see. Cutting solves nothing. And this ONE person isn't worth leaving a scar on your body for. Trust me on this. I know it has to suck a lot. I know it hurts. But this isn't worth it.
I know this probably doesn't help too much but please think twice before hurting yourself.
Thanks Nick. :)
I started cutting myself when I was about 15 or 16 years old... I'll be 30 in Dec. I've been doing well so far. It's been a few months since my last cutting. But different stuff stirs it up again, like being misgendered. I don't want to cut, but I don't know any other way to make myself feel better. I've tried everything, nothing works.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on November 09, 2011, 06:49:28 PM
I don't know how you were misgendered because you look 100% male to me. Was it a man or a woman who misgendered you? I don't know why, but I've found that ciswomen misgender me far more often than anyone else. And I agree - please don't hurt yourself. I know how painful it is to be knocked down by being misgendered, but you look 100% male to more than one of us and I'm sure there are heaps of folks out there who agree.
Thanks Kreuzfidel. :) It was an older women, maybe in her mid 60's?
"but I've found that ciswomen misgender me far more often than anyone else."Really? I wonder why? That sucks. I'm sorry. You look 100% male to me in your pic.
I'm gunna try not to cut. But I just get so upset I don't know what to do, and cutting myself always makes me feel better. But then I feel guilty afterwards b/c I know God doesn't want me to do that.
I'm so happy you haven't done it in months! You're on the right track. As hard as it is, you just have to distract yourself until this feeling passes. Maybe get yourself a punching bag and some gloves and hey, in the process you'll get some nice muscles! And no more scars :)
@Nick: That would be a good idea if I had some money, but unfortunately I'm broke. Nice muscles would be great! :)
Then, push ups! Jumping jacks! Sit ups! Jogging. Release the stress through exercise. In return you'll get a better body and again, you will overcome this bump in the road :) Or do just what you did right now. Write! Write everything in a journal. Keep track of your emotions and things that have happened. Once you write things out, I honestly feel like it's a sort of release. Hopefully you can try these things. And regardless, be proud of what you've done so far!
Did she definitely misgender you? I get pissy sometimes when someone calls me 'love', or similar, because I take it as a feminine term, but then sometimes I hear them say it to a tattooed hairy thirty year old guy behind me, so who knows. I really can't see it, bro. The way you carry yourself maybe? Your voice?
As for the cutting, find someone to promise that you won't do it, and who can tell if you do. That's how I managed to stop. I substituted it with burning and punching myself (sounds stupid) for a while, but eventually the need to went away. It definitely helped knowing I'd be letting someone else down by doing it again. So... promise us!
I don't see it at all. You look 100% male to me.
I understand the cutting thing, all too well. I started early too, I was probably 11-12 and I still fight it off almost constantly. If you want someone else to vent to, feel free, man. Its so hard to care about a body you don't want, I'm there too, though.
@Nick: Thanks Nick. :) I've tried exercise and writing in journals... doesn't work for me. I wish it did though. \
@Solobear: Yep, she called me ma'm. It killed me. I was almost gunna say to her I'm a guy, but I got nervous cause there was a guy behind me and and I didn't want to make the lady feel bad for mis-gendering me. I don't think I have anything feminine mannerism to me. I think my voice passes. Other people say it does.
As for the cutting, I can't promise anyone b/c I have slip ups and everything in my life is a major trigger to cutting.Weight is big trigger to my cutting, the way I look... I could defiantly loose 100 pounds. Well, I'm exaggerating, but I need to loose a lot of weight. I gained weight on T and it bothers me very much. My face is so fat. I hate it and that triggers me to cut.
I just made a short video clip of my voice and how I look. If anyone can tell me if I look male or female in the video, or if my voice passes or not. I'm probably not gunna keep this video up for long as I am very self conscious about the way I look. I just wanna know if you guys can see how I got mis-gendered. Is there anything feminine about me?
http://youtu.be/duInJdrn6H8 (http://youtu.be/duInJdrn6H8)
@N.Chaos: Thanks. :) Same here. Yeah, the urges are hard to ignore sometimes.
Video is private. Can't see it.
Maybe it's mannerism?
From seeing your pic, you totally pass to me.
Thanks Sharky. I don't think it's my mannerism, at least I hope not. My cousins told me I don't have a mannerism that's feminine.
Says private still. You have to make it public or link only in the settings.
But you totally pass in the thumbnail.
@Sharky: Thanks. How do I do it without making it public? I'm not sure what you mean by settings, youtube settings?
In the upper right hand corner of the screen you should see your name. Click it.
Click my videos
Edit info
Under broadcasting and sharing options you should see privacy settings.
@Sharky: Thanks. I made it unlisted. Hope it works.
It works and you completely pass to me. It doesn't sound like your voice has fully dropped yet, I would assume you were in your late teens.
Dude what even?! She must have needed glasses or something because you in no way look female. And judging by your video you just sound like a young dude or a dude with a slightly higher voice. But seriously, zero female.
I know how you feel though. Ma'am just really bothers me sometimes. Even if I were female I'd hate people to call me ma'am. Seems like what you call an old lady to me. But I've been there - totally male clothing, no female mannerisms, no tits, and people still ma'am me. I chalked it up to height. I could even see someone making a mistake if I happen to be rocking the longer hair. And it seems to happen more often with older people than it does with younger people. I still am mystified what "gender clues" these people are picking up on to make the ma'am determination.
On occasion I have just looked at them funny and said something like, "Um, I'm NOT a ma'am".
If it helps any, some friends of mine (some cis-folks), get misgendered a lot too, especially by older women. I don't think it has anything to do with you not passing – you're all male, voice included. As insideontheoutside said, it might be the longer hair. From my experience, people tend to look at hair to indicate someone's gender, especially folks who haven't grown up in an era with shaggy-haired men or short-haired women.
You look and sound 100% male to me. I've mentioned this before and I will again in the hopes that it makes you feel better, but I have a friend in the death metal scene who has long curly blond hair. He's also one of the manliest men I've ever met, and he gets misgendered a lot, even though from his face, voice and mannerisms you can easily tell he's male. For all you know it could have just been her catching an odd angle on you (could happen to anyone) and running with it. :)
Quote from: Sharky on November 09, 2011, 10:55:05 PM
It works and you completely pass to me. It doesn't sound like your voice has fully dropped yet, I would assume you were in your late teens.
Thanks. Yeah, my voice is still high at about 9 months on T and it's really frustrating. I hope it drops more. I'll be 30 years old in Dec., lol
When I thank'd her at the register, ya know after when checking out, I just say thank you, but I purposely made my voice sound deeper so she could think about what she just said didn't make sense to her calling me female. I usually talk in a deeper voice when I'm out in public so I don't get misgendered. People have told me my voice sounds male, I guess it's just on a higher side though which sucks.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 09, 2011, 10:58:03 PM
Dude what even?! She must have needed glasses or something because you in no way look female. And judging by your video you just sound like a young dude or a dude with a slightly higher voice. But seriously, zero female.
I know how you feel though. Ma'am just really bothers me sometimes. Even if I were female I'd hate people to call me ma'am. Seems like what you call an old lady to me. But I've been there - totally male clothing, no female mannerisms, no tits, and people still ma'am me. I chalked it up to height. I could even see someone making a mistake if I happen to be rocking the longer hair. And it seems to happen more often with older people than it does with younger people. I still am mystified what "gender clues" these people are picking up on to make the ma'am determination.
On occasion I have just looked at them funny and said something like, "Um, I'm NOT a ma'am".
I actually think she was wearing glasses, lol. I came close to saying something but decided not too. Are you on T?
"I still am mystified what "gender clues" these people are picking up on to make the ma'am determination." I'm wondering that too.
@MaxAloysius and @mattie: Thanks guys, that makes me feel a lot better knowing that cis guy get misgendered too.
Thanks everyone for the replies. I feel a lot better now. :)
No way. but this is why I said in the other thread that pix and perfect lighting can look good online but in real life the mannerisms may be confusing.
Could be a few things.
One is "was it an Asian woman?" It is very common to confuse the "he or she" in Chinese and other Asian languages because it's not the same as English. So maybe that.
B is that perhaps "ma'm" was "man" or something like that that you misheard.
C. is not every time you get mistaken for the opposite gender is it about you not "passing" I've been mistaken for a man on at least 10 occasions. One time it was just that I had borrowed my bf's jacket and my hair was super short. It doesn't mean you don't pass just because ONE PERSON misgenders you. It just means that particular person did, and so did several others.
Don't let the handful be the majority. Many many many cisgendered people get mistaken for the opposite gender, on the phone, in person and just by accident. It's normal, not a sign of some major flaw in your ability to pass.
;)
Dude you look & sound completely male.....wow @ the power of testosterone. :icon_blink:
Yeah 4realz that old lady must've been trippin off night quil or something cuz you look 100% male to me.
@mixie: Thanks. :) Nope, she wasn't Asian. I wish she said man, but it was ma'm.
"but this is why I said in the other thread that pix and perfect lighting can look good online but in real life the mannerisms may be confusing."
I agree.
@Logan Bann and @Rukia87xo: Thanks. :)
It's the haircut. If the pic at the top of the thread is from the same day, i'm positive. Cover the face with your hand and look ;)
I'm not saying you need to change it, it's just that the front of it looks like ladies haircut in that pic.
-Xx
@Mr. X: Oh okay, thanks. I just bought some stuff to put in my hair to style it, so maybe that will help.
You look like a dude to me.
There are plenty of legally blind people out there making a living.
Maybe next time buy some condoms with your Rogaine. :laugh:
And count your change.
@bojangles: Thanks.
QuoteMaybe next time buy some condoms with your Rogaine. :laugh:
I think I might. :laugh:
hey Dominick,
you look really male to me, ive been told i look really male too but i get mis-gendered too. i dont know why, sometimes it just happens.
You should of stood up to her and told her that she was mistaken. Even if you had the whole of Penn State standing behind you. That is what almost any guy would do. I'm fairly sure the misgendering wasn't malicious but you shouldn't worry about her feelings in place of your own. Worry about yourself and how it makes you feel. I swear it's a huge confidence booster when you correct people. That extra bit of confidence go could fair in helping you pass the next time.
Second stop cutting yourself. At 30 you need to be an adult and handle your problems in a responsible mature way.
From your picture you do pass 100% to me. However it's only a still picture taken at an ideal angle with ideal lightening. It really only shows about a part of your overall presentation. I didn't see the video because it seems you took it down. Personally, I didn't pass all of the time until I started growing hair all over my face, not just on my chin. That really is the tipping point from ambiguous to male for many people. You'll get there, just take a deep breath and be patient.
I agree with Nick concerning the fitness instead of the mutilation. Cutting yourself isn't smart Dom, come on. It doesn't solve a damn thing.
You look like a guy. Believe me when I say I have some envy. I can't pass at all, and even when I don't say anything, the best I can hope for (right now) is androgyne. I am cursed with a very, very fem face and figure. And my voice... don't even let me get started on that. I can't judge your voice, but you do look masculine.
But, even though I don't pass, I do correct strangers sometimes, when I feel the situation is safe enough. Just like Squirrel said, making that correction can be a confidence booster.
@anibioman: Thanks. From your pic you look totally male to me.
@Squirrel698: I came close to saying something to her and I just chickened out. I dunno, maybe b/c a guy was standing behind me and I felt embarrassed to say something with him standing there. If it happens again, (which I hope it doesn't) I'll try to say something.
Yeah, I can see how it would have boost my confidence if I said something. I just got to nervous and chicken out.
I'm working on the cutting. But my life doesn't help it much. I know it doesn't solve anything it just makes me feel better. Exercise doesn't work for me. I tried that as an alternative to cutting and all I could think was I couldn't wait to get off the treadmill and cut myself.
Yeah, I took the video down. I couldn't stand the way I looked. But thanks for saying I pass in the photo. I agree with the whole ideal angle with ideal lightening. That's so true.
@Ayden: Thanks. I'm sorry your having trouble passing. I know voice can be a dead give away. My voice pre-T was a dead give away. Do you ever try talking in a deeper voice so it doesn't sound so high?
That's good you correct people if you feel the situation is safe.
Dominick I have to say that I think you passed perfectly visually pre-T (I have no way of knowing whether your voice passed, lol), and T has only enhanced your masculinity. I'm slightly envious, lol.
I'm so sorry you got mis-gendered. I can only think of two reasons why it might've happened:
Firstly, unless they're Sherlock Holmes, people very rarely look at people properly on first meeting. Particularly when there's only a brief or cursory interaction, people often take in other people peripherally or just at a glance. You might be the most masculine male that ever did masculine, but if someone clocks you out of the corner of their eye, they can miss all of the indicators that say you're a man and make a mistake, particularly if they're working on a till and deal with a stream of customers in quick succession - I know when I swipe folks' membership cards through at work, everything gets mixed up, lol - after an hour of people whizzing past, repeating the same interaction, I don't know what's male, female, up, down, red, blue or green. A panda could probably walk past, hand me its membership card and I'd mis-identify it as a marmoset.
Add to this the fact that gender ambiguity is becoming more and more commonplace and I think that lots of people find it increasingly hard to read conventional gender traits as signifying the gender they're associated with. Oh Dear. That makes no sense. I mean... Aaargh. How can I express this? It's no longer universally true that a person with a deep voice, masculine features, a short haircut and masculine mannerisms is necessarily a man. I think people are becoming more aware of this, and it's creating some confusion, particularly (though I don't want to generalise) for certain members of the older generation who are used to more rigid and unambiguous gender roles.
An older female customer walked into the bingo the other day, handed me her card and said, 'There you go, Son. I mean Darling.' Then she stopped, looked at me intently for several long moments, seemed to give up, and said 'You just can't tell nowadays, can you?'
All of this of course doesn't make it feel any more wrong or frustrating when someone mis-genders you. But hopefully it might provide some explanation for an otherwise inexplicable occurrence - because you don't look remotely female. You're all man, mate. *Seethes in quiet envy* ;)
Dominick, from the way you word your posts, I get the impression you have low self-esteem and pretty extreme body dysmorphia. The only person that can help that is yourself. I believe you look and sound completely male, and it seems like everyone else here does too. But if you're not confident in yourself, that translates into the real world, and that could be why you're getting read as female. Don't go out wondering, "Do I pass?" in front of every person you meet. You know you're male, you look male, your voice is deep enough to be read as male even over the phone IMHO--so you do pass, you are a dude. Don't even think about being a trans dude... just a dude. And don't even get too hung up on that. Don't worry about gender one way or another, but get into that positive mindset. Pretty soon it'll become second nature, and the misgendering might just stop.
I would also suggest therapy, because with thoughts like the ones you articulate, they're just causing you unnecessary stress. Nobody should be so repulsed by themselves, even people like us born in the wrong bodies. We're still humans after all, and even if we did look bad (which you certainly do not, bro) that doesn't mean we don't deserve to live and receive respect in this world like everyone else.
I'm almost 9 months on T and still don't pass T_T
I just started a new job and when coworkers called me "she" I said, "I'm a guy". I haven't been she'd since by my coworkers. Customers on the other hand...I don't bother correcting them when they call me "lady/she/her".
Maybe I post in the wrong section, feel free to ignore it but i was thinking maybe you want to hear the opinion of a female.
Well, Dominic to be honest, you're 110% male to me, did that lady wear glasses, because I think she needs a new pair of it.
Hey dude, don't worry about your looks, you look damn male to me.
If I didn't know you and I had to ask something, I would start with...excuse me, sir......
@Clive: Thanks. I wish other people would see me as all man. I think it's hard for my friends to see me as male since they always knew me as female. I think a lot of people can't tell if I'm male or female. That's just the impression I get, I dunno why, it's just how I feel when I'm cashing out at a registered. I purposely make my voice deeper so they think I'm male if they can't tell.
@tvc15: Thanks for saying I pass. Yeah, my self esteem is at a zero and I hate everything about my body... But I do see a counselor and she knows all this.
"Don't go out wondering, "Do I pass?" in front of every person you meet."
That's exactly what I do.
When I'm out, I'm very aware about how I walk and everything. I keep thinking to myself, I hope I'm not walking girlie or have a mannerism to me that's feminine. And my cousins have told me that I don't have a mannerism that's famine so... I dunno.
"and even if we did look bad (which you certainly do not, bro)"
Thanks. :)
@meh: Are you 9 months on T too and don't pass? Glad you haven't been she'd by your co-workers since you corrected them. How come you don't correct customers?
@annette: Thank you. :) I thought the lady did have glasses, now I can't remember, lol.
I am out for many years, on T for one year and read as male somewhere in the ballpark of .1%-4% of the time. It's not fun.
understatement
@Nygeel: I'm sorry. That totally sucks. I hope things change for you soon and you get read as male more. I know it sucks being on T for that long and getting read as female. Hopefully it won't be too much longer and more people will read you as male.
Quote from: Dominick_81 on November 09, 2011, 06:28:52 PM
Why do I keep getting miss-gendered???? My chest was flat, I had on all male clothes and jacket. I bought rogaine for men when I got miss-gendered. This is killing me! I'm just about 9 months on T. This is ridiculous! I just wanna cut myself up. I can't take being miss-gendered anymore. How long is it gunna take until I pass??? 10 f****ing years?????!!!!
Do I look male or female here? This is what I wore when I got miss-gendered. I just took this pic. My height is the only thing I can think of... but then again there are tons of short cis guys, do they all get miss-gendered??? What is it about me that looks female??? I'm just so upset.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi852.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fab86%2FBrody_81%2FMe4.jpg&hash=531eaa71fd3af730b7769c54ef77458d09c459e4)
While I can't judge anything but your appearance, I think you're one hot meatsack of a man. However, your mannerisms/voice might be getting you clocked.
Besides, how often do you get clocked in comparison to passing? Even 1 in 10 is really good odds.
I know it sucks to be clocked, but consider yourself fortunate that you are both attractive and FTM. Most trans women are not 'objectively attractive' as considered by society, and it usually takes us much more work/time to pass than people of the other persuasion.
Keep it up. I know that you'll pass!
Nygeel I'm not going to forget your voice. You certainly sound like a dude.
I pass kinda pretty well for someone pre-t and pre-surgical who tends to flutter around and act generally too feminine.
But no one thinks I'm as old as I am, and I out myself sometimes by letting my voice get high pitched.
And, well, I don't know what good to say, except that Dominick I see you as all man. I have no reason not to.
Quote from: Felix on November 12, 2011, 09:44:30 PM
But no one thinks I'm as old as I am,
You mean your not fifteen?
I think you look amazing for pre-HRT, I can't even picture you as something else but male. (Even down to the style of your writing.)
Quote from: Dominick_81 on November 12, 2011, 01:51:59 PM
@Nygeel: I'm sorry. That totally sucks. I hope things change for you soon and you get read as male more. I know it sucks being on T for that long and getting read as female. Hopefully it won't be too much longer and more people will read you as male.
Yea. I assume things will change soon but then again I've been saying that for almost a year lol. It's just odd and surprising how...unfulfilling hormonal transition has been for me so far. I know that things
should get better, but I don't know if they will...and that's what is scary for me right now.
Quote from: Nygeel on November 12, 2011, 10:12:09 PM
Yea. I assume things will change soon but then again I've been saying that for almost a year lol. It's just odd and surprising how...unfulfilling hormonal transition has been for me so far. I know that things should get better, but I don't know if they will...and that's what is scary for me right now.
If it's any consolation. I always read you as male- from your avatar pic to the tone/style of your writings.
I firmly believe that you're not only going to be passable- but that your going to blow most natal men of the water. (Most trans men do.)
Don't give up hope!
Quote from: Guantanamera on November 12, 2011, 09:05:46 PM
While I can't judge anything but your appearance, I think you're one hot meatsack of a man. However, your mannerisms/voice might be getting you clocked.
Besides, how often do you get clocked in comparison to passing? Even 1 in 10 is really good odds.
I know it sucks to be clocked, but consider yourself fortunate that you are both attractive and FTM. Most trans women are not 'objectively attractive' as considered by society, and it usually takes us much more work/time to pass than people of the other persuasion.
Keep it up. I know that you'll pass!
Thanks Guantanamera! :) She called me ma'm before I said anything, so I don't think it was my voice. I don't think my mannerism is famine at all, but who knows. I'm guessing it was my height.
Quote from: Nygeel on November 12, 2011, 10:12:09 PM
Yea. I assume things will change soon but then again I've been saying that for almost a year lol. It's just odd and surprising how...unfulfilling hormonal transition has been for me so far. I know that things should get better, but I don't know if they will...and that's what is scary for me right now.
I know the feeling. Do you plan on taking T for a few more years, or are you frustrated and gonna stop after so many years if things don't change? And I agree with Felix, you do sound like a dude.
@Felix: Thanks! You pass pretty well in your pic there pre-T.
For me, my health is a bigger issue. I would like to have the ability to take T for as ling as possible but I'm not willing to do it at the expense of my quality of life (including physical and psychological health).
@Nygeel: Yeah, I get that. Totally understandable.