I just cant live this way anymore.
:( Y :icon_cry:
I'm not sure what exactly you are feeling right now. I've had plenty of suicide thoughts before. I know it is painful and sometimes it feels pointless to living. However, you have got to try and pull through. I've been through ups and downs myself with the transitioning, but it does get better. I know when I go to Support Groups, that really helps a lot with depression. Also plenty of Ice Cream helps all the time for me. ;).
I don't think we could legally give you a response to your question...
Um, I know dysphoria makes things hard, but you have to work through it and not let the world get down on you. Life has its ups and downs, but things will get better. No one likes waiting for change, but it will come - you will find people who support you to no end and genuinely love you.
Quote from: xxScarlettxx on November 13, 2011, 06:20:14 PM
I just cant live this way anymore.
Live what way? Talk to us.
Don't, all of us feel down at times but killing yourself is not a vaild way to solve your problem, go talk to someone anyone. The first step is making though the night and I believe you can do that. Life is cool , just not alway.s the key is that it'll cool once more
Why do you want to kill yourself?
Killing yourself is bad. Think about all the things you won't ever experience. Sure, things get hard. Sometimes it seems like nothing in your life will ever fit together how you want it to. But you are more important to all your friends and family if you are alive. If you kill yourself you'll become just another statistic. But alive, you are a person with talents and hopes and dreams who we can all appreicate.
Probably no painless way for you, and definitely no painless way for those you'd leave behind.
There are probably few of us who haven't had a finger on the trigger or the pile of pills in our hands, but 15 years past those thoughts, I can say I am so glad I never yielded.
And if you say, "I can't... talk to counselor, stand up to family, fight the bigotry..." just think how much easier they really are than ending one's life.
Take heart. Transition can happen, now, a year from now, even in your 50s or 60s. Transition is sooooo worth waiting for and working for.
Robyn the Elder
Everyone has already said what I'd say, so I'll just give you a GIGANTIC hug on behalf of everyone in this thread.
Hang in there girl!
you shouldn't have to kill yourself. just find some hobby or something, get so consumed in it that you can't think about your GID. it may be limited, but killing yourself won't change your life.
I'm sure there's somebody reading this forum / post that has been where you are. Do yourself a favor and talk to us, because I promise somebody has been there, and can help dissuade u ♥
My lover killed himself.
I can't believe he saw that as a way out, when he had people who cared about him. You have people who care about you too.
Don't end your life. Think about everyone around you who would miss you and be so shocked and sad.
Tell us what you're feeling so we can help.
Try slow deep breathing for several minutes. This will really calm and centre you.
Between your post in the FTM section about "having a vagina" and along with all the other stuff you've posted. I don't know whether to believe if this is a cry for help or attention seeking of the worst kind.
So which is it? Are you seeking the sympathy of the board after causing drama here? I support you 100% in your transition. But I do question your validity.
Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 13, 2011, 08:57:08 PM
Between your post in the FTM section about "having a vagina" and along with all the other stuff you've posted. I don't know whether to believe if this is a cry for help or attention seeking of the worst kind.
So which is it? Are you seeking the sympathy of the board after causing drama here? I support you 100% in your transition. But I do question your validity.
You can never really know which one it is, so I always play it safe and treat it as a valid situation.
Don't u ever want to become a girl? Your life is worth too much to commit suicide and you have reasons to live.
Suicide is never painless...there is no easy way. It hurts everyone around you.
Best thing I ever learned in how to deal with suicidal thoughts/feelings...when you're about to "do it", resolve to live for just the next few minutes.
Breathe. Do nothing but breathe...cry out...breathe...watch the clock...recite something that is meaningful to you (a prayer, a chant, a method of masturbation...whatever means something to you).
After a few minutes...reflect, and then resolve to live for just the next few minutes.
Repeat as needed, when needed.
Just the next few minutes. And, again. Breathe.
After the crisis period, extend the "few minutes" to more...say, 10...or 15...maybe even to the next day.
Breathe. Enjoy the breathing. Feel the air.
And live.
I definitely know how you feel.
But you have to hold yourself back from taking action on it. Emotions go wild sometimes and suicide is ALWAYS a temporary want (if you don't act on things when it gets at its worse).
If you are on hormones, your emotions are even more wild!
Just, go to bed. Drop everything you need to do and just sleep...or watch some tv... tomorrow you will feel better, I guarantee it.
You may be unhappy now, but if you hold on you have a lot of really happy times coming too :)
We've all felt this way at one time. Please don't do it. Tomorrow will be better.
Z
I talked to her briefly through PM a while ago when the thread started. We take all such statements seriously.
I'm happy to see the support.
i felt this same way this morning - i cried a hole bunch... its super tough
grrrrrr, but if you find a way that doesn't hurt you or anyone else close to you let me know after everything is said and done hehe :)
Don't do it, Scarlett.
Quote from: caitlin_adams on October 12, 2011, 02:14:50 AM
If you or anyone you know is considering suicide there are people to talk to that help:
In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14
In the United States, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1 800 273 8255
In the UK, call Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90
In the Republic of Ireland, call Samaritans on 1850 60 90 90
For those in other nations visit http://www.befrienders.org/ (http://www.befrienders.org/)
Even if you're not suicidal and just need someone to talk to you can ring the above numbers 24/7.
This is to simple : I just cant live this way anymore. :
I find there are a few good reasons to step out , but thats crazy me .
Most reasons are made by culture and bad.So ask around ,you never get a other chance.
catching this thread late i hope he is ok
jessi
I know the taste of gun oil, but I was able to put the gun down. I know the groginess of overdose. Luckily I puked it up. I know the feel of rope around my neck. But my brother found me setting up before I could jump.
I have been right up to the wire a number of times and it can be rough. I know.
Time and time again I have come so very close to ending it all.
Thankfully suicide was not in my cards, but it was very close a number of times.
In the last 2 years since I started to actively transition these feelings do come back, but they are not as intense and no where near as often.
Transition is not a panacea that will fix it all. But it will fix allot.
I implore you to stay the course and get to the other side.
The last year has been such a wonderful time for the most part, if I had killed myself I would not have had this last year.
And if you simply must ... be sure it looks like you had an accident and not suicide. Suicide devastates familys and friend networks. Often to the breaking point. I have seen it a number of times. It is never easy on those left behind.
:icon_hug:
If you need to talk with someone who has been where you are, PM me and I will give you my contact information.
Scarlett, I noticed that you had replied to another thread early this morning. How are you doing?
Quote from: cynthialee on November 14, 2011, 10:29:42 AM
I know the taste of gun oil, but I was able to put the gun down. I know the groginess of overdose. Luckily I puked it up. I know the feel of rope around my neck. But my brother found me setting up before I could jump.
When the police found me at the train tracks, I had been crying there for an hour. One officer said it was probably the longest time between trains for that line he had heard of.
Most of us have had these feelings. Being trans can be this overwhelming aspect of life to deal with. But it can also be beautiful. We have all kinds of neat insight into the differences between genders and the perceived differences between genders that other people just don't get. Yes, you've been cursed, but you've also been blessed. You just need to give it time. It's slow and this time in limbo feels like one gear trying to move while the other's jammed up somehow, wearing everything down, but it's worth holding out. Even when it seems completely impossible for things to get better, they do, little by little.
Before we transition the outer we know what the inner is and so we have already transitioned our gender through that understanding. All that is left is getting the rest of the world to see what we already know. But alas the worse part is if we base our lives on the outer and leave behind the spiritual that we knew before. That spiritual is who we are and will go with us into eternity. Being here on earth with that understanding can help so many and we all know so many who need the help. So know we accept you for who you are and well you may let another find that peace if you stay alive. if you go you might have been the one to give them the truth and hope they needed.
PS: I did it all and eventually realized my spirit is what people see and can love and besides who wants to be loved just for their looks? Nope most people want to be loved for who they are internally.
I nearly disemboweled myself in my freshman year of high school (1984). But, I got scared and stopped as soon as I felt the tip of the blade against my belly.
This past father's day, when I offered to my wife that I'd detransition if she would just not leave me and she refused, I began planning my exit strategy. I'd keep working to eliminate the debt I'd amassed, purge my belongings, order a pre-paid funeral, buy a gun, and kill myself.
My divorce will be final as of 8 February 2012, and I'm planning on living longer than that.
It can be hard to hear, "It gets better!" while everything is crashing around you in flames. I understand this. But, try to hold on. Try to hang in there. I don't know if it will get better for me and I'm afraid to hope, but I'm going forward with curiosity to see what will happen.
I take it seriously and I'm glad that you reached out, even if it is attention getting---- you are listening to the part of yourself that loves and cares about yourself. KEEP LISTENING TO HER.
It's easy to feel like a waste in life or to lapse into an existential depression. Happens to sensitive people all the time.
Keep posting, keep talking, keep coming here.
You know, when a person feels suicidal it is often accompanied by a feeling of utter uselessness in life. But the weird thing about that determination is that it is not up to us to decide if we are valuable. When you are low, it's up to the rest of humanity to unify. I can tell you that we are unifying around you in a protective circle. Why? Because each of us has taken a turn in the center of the circle wondering what the heck is going on.
Don't do anything for a while, just practice BEING and just BE.
Picture yourself in a line at the store. It's a long long line and you are waiting and waiting and waiting for it to move. Right now it is stuck at a standstill. You might feel like "<not allowed> it, I'm getting out of this stupid line. It's not going anywhere and my feet hurt and I'm tired of just standing here."
So you think about checking out. Well how about this instead. We're gonna hold your space in line for you while you sit down over there for a while and have something to drink, put your feet up, relax, let go and stop worrying, take comfort.
And then when you are ready to get back in line again, you'll see that it moved on, it's way up further than it was before, but you can just walk on up and get back in line again. When you do we'll give you a hug and keep on keeping on.
You see we need you in that line with us. We'll hold your space for you while you rest.
I ask myself the same thing, at least twice a week.
Quote from: The Passage on November 14, 2011, 03:25:25 PM
I ask myself the same thing, at least twice a week.
When I was actually researching methods, I could not find any that were both quick and painless. And, it seemed that most painless ways were not guaranteed to work. They all seemed to have a certain amount of risk that one would survive, but be permanently damaged.
I decided it wasn't worth the risk. As I said to Scarlett, try to hang in there and hold on.
:)
It's difficult, for sure. At times, I just want to fade away... and leave this hell behind me. It seems like great relief but the effect of that cause is just disastrous. Not only for my family but for myself. So, the early release isn't worth the drawbacks.
Well, 60 more years to go, if nothing happens before then! Yay!! >.>
Quote from: Shades O'Grey on November 14, 2011, 03:52:05 PM
When I was actually researching methods, I could not find any that were both quick and painless.
Hehe me too, I was trying to find the most painless way and there are lots of ideas out there.
But, eventually you just stop caring if it will hurt.
The thing is, these feelings always pass. You just have to get past them and into the next day. Just waiting lets you see it is just a momentary feeling and the result of hormones or stress or all the other things in life that makes it seem like a good idea at the time.
Suicide sometimes seem very appealing... but, the next week when you are having dinner and enjoying your favorite show, you realize life isn't always so bad.
For me, now, old age. The worst is behind me now that I have discovered who I am, so I hold on to that as a lifeline. It works for me.
I've asked myself this question many times in my life, sometimes it's been due to my excema & other times it's because of my GID.
My way of dealing with this crushing depression has always been to find something to latch on to, something long term.
One of the things that saw me through some of my worst times was the TV show Babylon 5, when it first started my skin literally fell off, I was down to raw flesh on 3/4 of my body & the pain was excrutiating, I kept thinking of ways to end the pain but fought through it because I wanted to see how the show ended after it's 5 year arc, this may sound silly but we can all find something personal to live for.
Right now my skin is going nuts from the stress of transitioning, losing my family & my dog, i'm also dealing with hating the body i've been unfortunate to be born with. My motivation for keeping going is the goal that one day i'll not only get my dog back but i'll also become the woman I was meant to be.
I'm sure that everyone on this planet can find something worth living for including you.
Until you find that thing to keep you going have a big hug from all of us to see you through
Noooooooooooo! Don't do ittt! You don't wanna kill urself. trust me. U hav too much to live for. Believe in your goal. There's no limit to how feminine you can become in a short amount of time. BE the girl you wanna be instead of thinking about being one.
Quote from: Shades O'Grey on November 14, 2011, 02:50:27 PM
I nearly disemboweled myself in my freshman year of high school (1984). But, I got scared and stopped as soon as I felt the tip of the blade against my belly.
This past father's day, when I offered to my wife that I'd detransition if she would just not leave me and she refused, I began planning my exit strategy. I'd keep working to eliminate the debt I'd amassed, purge my belongings, order a pre-paid funeral, buy a gun, and kill myself.
My divorce will be final as of 8 February 2012, and I'm planning on living longer than that.
It can be hard to hear, "It gets better!" while everything is crashing around you in flames. I understand this. But, try to hold on. Try to hang in there. I don't know if it will get better for me and I'm afraid to hope, but I'm going forward with curiosity to see what will happen.
This is actually a good plan; not for killing yourself, but for surviving.
Set goals, good goals that are worth having. Especially goals that take some time to accomplish. (My advice: buy the gun
last)
Once you get there...you will realize you've lived the whole time without your ex, and your world didn't end. In fact, it got a LOT better, what with bills being paid off and all...
Then, with your "new-found" money, take a vacation...plan some new goals...and repeat as necessary.
*hugs* to all who've been near that dark abyss...but don't end it just yet. You have things to do!
Beth, that is a beautiful way to look at it. Thank you.
Quote from: xXRebeccaXx on November 13, 2011, 06:20:14 PM
I just cant live this way anymore.
So I just told my therapist this morning that I didn't think I was going to be able to live through transition. What I didn't tell her was that suicide has always been a part of my "tool kit" and will most likely always be an option available to me. I know how you feel, as do many other people here. Trans and suicide go together like cream filling in Twinkie's! But like me, I'm guessing that you really want to live but without the pain and hopelessness. I don't know if I will ever get there but a lot of people here seem to have found that peaceful place.
If I can stay alive long enough to give it a try will you?
Rylee
I too know the feeling, but as one member of my GLBT said "How do you know the pain will stop?" I also figured out I didn't want to kill Pam the best part of me. When that part of your brain takes over it is hard to think straight but please know there are others who have felt your pain and have survived.
Like another post said - It does get better and you deserve that chance.
It is hard to be a woman - Honey You CAN do it.
Love Pam