Susan's Place Transgender Resources

OK this is going to make me sound really awkward but...

One of my oldest and best trans-friends has informed me that he is going to be marrying a heterosexual male. His fiancé is a lovely person, very supportive of my friends transition and says that he loves him as a guy, but I'm still not sure he's making the right decision.

Apparently the service have delayed his T because of this. I know I shouldn't judge and that it's probably a lot different for him then the way I see it but I'm sure if I can be supportive.

Do any of you have opinions on this? Or the topic of heteroguys/lesbians dating FTMs in general?

(P.S On a lighter note: I'm going to be a Godfather!!! XD)

Wait, so he's delaying physical transition so he can legally marry as female?  Uh, hrm...  I mean, I get that in most states that's the only way, but if he changes his gender marker later the marriage could still be anulled.  Also, there is a major difference in the way most transguys are viewed after they've been on T for awhile.  If his husband to be is truly completely hetero, it's really unlikely that he'll still find him attractive after transition.  I could be wrong, and there's always exceptions, but that relationship sounds doomed.

My partner and I started dating while I was still living as female, and he identified as a hetero-male. When I first came out to him it was a lot of adjusting and self-questioning on his part. But now I've been living as a guy for almost a year and a half, and we're stronger than ever. He's found liberation in not needing to label himself anymore-he can just be in love with me without it being "gay" or "straight". (Though he finds humor in the nuance of me "turning him gay", as he thought I was a lesbian before we dated, and used to joke about "turning me straight")
to be honest though, we're anything but a typical couple. We're both quirky and strange and have simillar qualms with the rest of the world. Eccentric if you must.
I'm just saying it doesn't /have/ to be doom and gloom. (Although I agree with bahzi, delaying physical transition for anyone but yourself doesnt seem like a very fruitful idea.)

It may work out for other people, but it wouldn't work out for me.  Even though I find some straight guys very attractive (actually I'm generally more attracted to straight men than gay men), I probably wouldn't date one unless he was already having sex with men.

Not interested in dating a lesbian or any women.

Quote from: Bahzi on November 17, 2011, 02:02:24 PM
Wait, so he's delaying physical transition so he can legally marry as female?  Uh, hrm...  I mean, I get that in most states that's the only way, but if he changes his gender marker later the marriage could still be anulled.  Also, there is a major difference in the way most transguys are viewed after they've been on T for awhile.  If his husband to be is truly completely hetero, it's really unlikely that he'll still find him attractive after transition.  I could be wrong, and there's always exceptions, but that relationship sounds doomed.

We both live in England at the moment and here same-sex marriage is legal in the form of a "civil partnership" so he would be able to marry him as a man. I just don't understand I suppose, I'd probably get it if I was them. I've only ever dated gay men (I even get funny if I date a bisexual sometimes.)

there are always exceptions to the rule (your friend could be an exception) but i think generally trans guys shouldnt date hetero men or homo ladies, because they are attracted to women.

I'd date anyone that I liked, and that liked me for who I am. Labels seems to get in the way of things. People always think sexuality is static and I disagree.

Whatever floats your boat. On a personal level I would feel uncomfortable dating lesbian women or straight guys. I know that many people don't feel that person A's sexual orientation doesn't affect person B's gender.  I feel it invalidates my gender, or is a lack of recognition towards my gender.

I would date a lesbian.

I'm actually in an odd situation in that I'm dating both. My girlfriend is a weird thing in that I've got no physical attraction to her anymore, but we've been together for seven years, and after nearly losing her I realized that in spite of everything, I do love her. My boyfriend is straight, but  he's been my biggest supporter from day one. He might've actually been the first person I told outright. He liked me for years, and I never told him I felt mutually because I didn't want to give him any 'false' hope (at the time, I figured I'd be stuck with just my girlfriend forever). He's exceptional on just about every level, at least in my opinion. I don't how how he puts up with me, but I'm beyond thankful for it.

I have pretty mixed feelings on this. It's a good question.

Love is love, attraction is attraction. Labels are just words, I can look beyond them.

I'm suspicious of hetero guys who date trans men, I just assume they see them as a type of woman.

Of course that's not always true.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on November 18, 2011, 12:57:25 AM
I'm suspicious of hetero guys who date trans men, I just assume they see them as a type of woman.

Of course that's not always true.

I can't blame you, honestly if I hadn't known Ben for about 6 years, I would've thought the same thing.

I think I would pick a heterosexual cismale over a homosexual cisfemale at this point. Assuming we are talking about trans men dating cisgendered people instead of a more complicated question about heterosexual transmen and homosexual transwomen.

With a straight cismale I think because of how I look (post-op and on testosterone) I feel like he would keep our relationship a complicated secret. And to be honest if I started dating a guy I wouldn't want my friends or family to know either.

But with a lesbian cisfemale I feel like she would out me all the time to justify the fact that she's dating me.

That's all hypothetical anyway since it doesn't matter because I'm dating a heterosexual-identified ciswoman.

As cliche as it sounds, I really base the foundation of what I look for in a relationship on personality, so if the person I'm interested in, whoever and whatever they may identify as feels mutual, then I don't particularly hesitate.

My current girlfriend previously identified as lesbian, and although she thought I was female initially (because of a misunderstanding via my ex, who could not accept me as a transguy) but within 24 hours of us speaking, she knew my situation and has never called me by the wrong pronouns since, and has never had a second thought about our relationship and neither have I.

When you find someone who's really right for you, it doesn't really phase either of you, because you develop feelings for the sort of person they are.. well, at least that's how I've experienced it.

Quote from: Morgan (138) on November 18, 2011, 07:09:39 AM

When you find someone who's really right for you, it doesn't really phase either of you, because you develop feelings for the sort of person they are.. well, at least that's how I've experienced it.

precisely how i feel as well  :)  hope it continues to work out for you

The topic made me remember a documentary I watched some years ago, about a butchlesbian and a heteroman that had fallen in love with each other despite their sexual orientations that remained unchanged.

They had started out as friends, that in time became tighter and tighter until they realized, that they had actually fallen in love with each other.
However, as she was a strict lesbian, she could not find him sexually attractive, and as he was strictly heterosexual, he could not find her attractive either as she was too much of a guy in his mind.
Despite this, they had no problem with a certain degree of intimacy such as cuddling and romantic evenings, while the more "physical" part of intimacy they had solved by finding ways to please each other with, such as massage, plays with various tools and in short just intimate nearness but without the actual sexual part.

I strongly believe that while the sexual orientation is generally biologically fixed since birth in a person, everyone yet has the slumbering ability to potentially "fall" for someone regardless of gender/Sex.

You guys are right. I didn't think of it as being just stupid labels, labels are stupid!

But I'm still somewhat worried. I mean I've seen documentaries about couples who've been married before they even transitioned and how their partners have stuck by them and been very supportive. But even then they often compare their relationship to siblings, even if they stay together.

But my friend met his fiancé after he started his transition so I am worried that he might not see him as a man or that he might change his mind when my friend finishes his transition.

I wouldn't.  I couldn't do it.

Even if I and a heteroguy/lesbian fell in love, I would have to insist that the other person change what sexual orientation they identify as just for me, all they have to do is consider themselves a bisexual (or pansexual) just to date me.  Otherwise, I just couldn't do it, I would feel like they saw me as a female.

In my case I would be afraid of dating heterosexual males. I've been living  with one for 9 years before I came out to myself and to him. We both love each other a lot, but he says that if I transition he would leave me. I guess the people that don't leave their partners after transition have to be bisexual or pansexual in some degree, but Who knows if the fact that you are in love with the person before makes it different? I have heard of many cases, and I still have some hope that my boyfriend could surprise himself. How can a physical appearance kill a strong love so easily?
Maybe if i had an accident and my whole body burned leaving me with a huge scar and in a wheelchair, his love would be strong enough to stay by my side, but it woudln't if I changed my gender. I can understand it but it sounds pradoxical at the same time.
And answering the question, I would prefer a partner that likes my body being male and my identity being male. I am experiencing every day that the traits of my body that he loves are precisely the ones that make me dysphoric. He loves me but not as a man. He can't see me as I see me.

Well, it sounds strange to me,
But who am I to judge?
I suppose that as long as it works for them and they're both happy,
Then it's for the best. Right?

I married a dude. But then again he's asexual and I never planned on transitioning so to the rest of the world it looks like a regular marriage on paper. What two people choose to do and how they identify to each other I think is in the realm of "their own personal business" though. What the world sees is often very different from what's really going on.

My ex is hetero. We're not together but we have sex. Lately we've been spending more time together, and he seems pretty proud when people think we're a gay couple. It adds to his liberal cred or something. He said he tried to be gay or bisexual for years, and just couldn't manage to get it up for a man.

So yeah. He's gynephilic, but I'm more masculine than he is, and our gender roles were always blurry. And he wants to be seen as very open and wordly.

In a sense, I feed into his affectations, but I also have fun and give him experience.

Things get into grey areas, you know?

Quote from: Caseyy on November 18, 2011, 03:23:28 PM
I'd say if he had been on T for a while, it will be safe to say he is seen as a man by his fiance. Also, surely your friend would have some pretty bad dysphoria and would know some of the signs of not being seen as the man he is.

He isn't on T and has never been on T. They've denied him T because of his relationship...

Quote from: Prince Larien on November 19, 2011, 02:17:47 AM
He isn't on T and has never been on T. They've denied him T because of his relationship...

In a "civilized" country? My gosh that's mean and unfair. I'd get denied by those standards, and anybody who's ever known me can vouch for my gender (whether they like it or not). Stuff happens. Sexual attraction needs to stop being a legal barometer for who we are as people. Socially or culturally that's fine, but legally that's a ridiculous way to categorize.

I think you should make the poll more specific to help people as in:
would you date:
Lesbians Yes
No
Hetero males Yes
No

So that people can differentiate.

Quote from: Caseyy on November 19, 2011, 02:54:36 AM
They discriminated against him because he's gay? That's terrible. :(

Not because he is gay, because his fiancé is heterosexual. Their not homophobic, they know I'm gay and are not denying me.

Sexuality is a confusing thing. Like for my boyfriend, he said thought he was straight before he met me. He didn't know I was trans until a month into our relationship when I finally told him, but after that he still thought he was gay!

Sorry if you do find poll specific :(

I always considered myself hetero until i dated a female who later told me she liked to crossdress as a man and be treated as male on occasion, which eventually became being treated as male in sexual situations. I enjoy it, i guess i'm bi now? I dunno labels are strange things I don't really think about it much I just like what I like. I discovered a part of myself that enjoys male on male love thats all. everyones different and I don't think we can all just be put into groups and expected to 100% follow umbrella concepts that define the "group" we've been put in.