Detransition that is.
I know, if you go back over the last year this is the 3rd or even 4th time I've brought this up... which is sorta proof to me that this is not going away. I've been off hormones for 6 or 7 weeks now and I feel fantastic, but still confused about what I want to be. About a week ago I decided hmm I should get on hormones again (because I noticed I was starting to get more boyish), I took them for 4 days and became so depressed. So, I stopped taking them, and I feel great again.
I'm not going to go into great detail about why I feel like this, but I will make a few small points:
First, I'm completely delusional:
I thought that my ambivalence about transitioning was related to my body issues... particularly, my butt and my hips. So, I recently had surgery to get a bigger butt and bigger hips. It solved nothing... in fact, things are worse. My body looks much more feminine, but I don't feel any different, or anymore comfortable.
Second, I feel like a fake and a phony:
I won't allow myself to develop intricate or intimate relationships with people, because I am fearful of them figuring me out. I keep all my "friends" very distant from me, often making excuses why I don't want to spend time with them. When I am with them I feel phony and ingenuine, as if I'm all some act. This is particularly true around women. I meet girls, we hang out, I never tell them I'm trans, and then I push them away once they start getting close. Also, when I'm hanging around girls, I don't feel like I'm really one of them.
Third, I don't like who i've become:
I went from being a fun, outgoing boy with lots of friends and lots of things to do, to being a dull women with very few friends, no real developed relationships with anybody. I spend a lot of time in my house, by myself. I feel scared to leave the house because of my body issues, scared to meet people because of my trans issues, scared to set any long term goals because of my social issues. As a guy, I had none of this... I was the guy that would talk to anybody, ask any girl out, set goals and achieved them, and had more friends than I knew what to do with.
Basically, I'm dissatisfied with the last 3 years of my life... I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life with planning surgeries, thinking the things that I'm gonna do when everything is complete, avoiding people until I have a vagina and so on. I'm ready to live my life again... I'm ready to quit having surgeries, quit worrying about my body, have my friends back, have my family back, have a social life, not be scared to leave my house and have goals to look forward to.
It seems every time I take a step forward, I take two steps backwards. This is a perfect opportunity to go back to being male, I've been gone from work for 2 months and off hormones for 6 weeks.
It sounds like going back to who you were before wont be easy.
Quote from: krysha on January 25, 2012, 04:17:42 PM
It sounds like going back to who you were before wont be easy.
Well, I don't want to go back to who I was... I want to go back to a mix between who I am now, and who I was. The time that I was happiest and most comfortable was when I was about to begin transitioning... I basically wore my gender ambivalence on my sleeve. I looked like a feminine boy, and I wore makeup, slim fitting cloths, had a really neat hair style and I just didn't care. I basically looked like one of those androgynous rocker boys. I miss that =)
Hi Vanna, I watched your videos on youtube and you look happy as a girl and yet there is a sadness about you. I don't know if this helps but coming from someone who has de-transitioned I can tell you that if indeed you truly are trans going back to your birth gender won't make you happy and must likely you will transition again or as some people call it "re-transition".
I came out and started transition (the first time) at 16 and at 17 started HRT. At first things were great and I felt so alive but after a year into things slowly went down hill and I started doubting my decision to transition. To make matters worse all of my family and friends abandoned me and I lost my job and eventually was kicked out of my parents house which followed by me sleeping in my car for a few months in the winter. I decided to go back to living as a boy because I thought it would be easier and hoped that my family and friends would talk to me again.
I didn't wanna de-transition but I did and surprisingly things got better, my family talked to me again and the depression I felt about my body (constanly comparing myself to bio women etc) went away at least for awhile. About 2 years later I slipped back into my gloomy emo self and started to distance myself from my friends and family, it was then I realized I made a mistake and longed for freedom from this male role. Even though I knew I made a mistake I couldn't bring myself to come out again making excuses like "i'm too old now" I was 22 and "I'll never be a bio female" etc.
Wasn't until 24 that I decided to take the plunge again and I feel soooo much better, I don't have the feelings of doubt anymore like I did last time because I know first hand de-transitioning back to a guy didn't help me but actually made things worse. The pain one feels from de-transition is a pain that never goes away, knowing all the years I wasted as a boy kills me inside every day but I can't change the past only the future.
Wow sorry didn't realize how much I typed but just thought you should hear from someone who has de-transitoned before you actually do it. Are you seeing a gender therapist because that would be wise if your feeling like this.
Yeah I sorta had that androgynous rocker look going on when first came out too! :o :D
Danielle, I see what your saying... but something has to change here. I have been unhappy for the last year, and been contemplating detransitioning for the last year. I don't see myself getting happy anytime soon unless I go back to being a feminine boy. As a guy I still wore makeup and dressed feminine, but I had all my friends.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 25, 2012, 05:39:26 PM
Danielle, I see what your saying... but something has to change here. I have been unhappy for the last year, and been contemplating detransitioning for the last year. I don't see myself getting happy anytime soon unless I go back to being a feminine boy. As a guy I still wore makeup and dressed feminine, but I had all my friends.
That's understandable, you might actually be happier living an androgynous life style rather then a completely feminine one. Talking with a gender therapist about this would be a good idea though before making any changes.
What ever you decided I wish the best & if you need someone to talk to you can pm anytime.
xo
Quote from: Danielle×o on January 25, 2012, 05:53:38 PM
That's understandable, you might actually be happier living an androgynous life style rather then a completely feminine one. Talking with a gender therapist about this would be a good idea though before making any changes.
What ever you decided I wish the best & if you need someone to talk to you can pm anytime.
xo
Thanks, that's really sweet =) I think androgynous may be best for me. We will see though, I am slowly testing the waters. The thought that I could be feminine and androgynous, have my family and friends back and not have my body issues seems to good to be true... but that was once my life. I use to not have these body issues that I have until I started transitioning =( Same for my social issues
You know, I can't imagine that you'd go so far to make all these changes without a considerable amount of thought. My advice would be to put yourself out there; uncomfortable situations can build character. You look gorgeous, and to be honest, you've been a bit of an inspiration for me.
Have you talked with a therapist about these issues?
Vanna; I wish only the best for whatever you decide to do, go back to being a guy or staying a woman you are the only one who knows what is best for you and makes you happy just make sure you are sure, nothing worst than regrets just go forward eyes wide open and good luck and I wish you many happy days in your future
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 25, 2012, 06:05:48 PM
Thanks, that's really sweet =) I think androgynous may be best for me. We will see though, I am slowly testing the waters. The thought that I could be feminine and androgynous, have my family and friends back and not have my body issues seems to good to be true... but that was once my life. I use to not have these body issues that I have until I started transitioning =( Same for my social issues
You can do it! stay strong!! : )
I think your problem is coming from not how you look... but how you live.
You say you are open about yourself as a "boy", but when you are a "girl" you keep yourself from being open with those around you and letting them really accept YOU.
I can definitely tell you that feeling like you are hiding things from those around you can make you feel removed... it can make everything seem fake (even their friendship in you).
Why not simply try being open? Tell people you are trans... have them accept you fully (and there are PLENTY of people out there who will). If you present well, are nice to be around, are a good friend and person... you will attract plenty of real friends (and being trans won't be an issue).
Really, it sounds like your plan to be "androgynous" is going to pretty much be this. You are going to drop the entire "secret' and just live as you are... right?
I have seen your videos too, so... going back to "I'm a boy" seems like it would be tricky :P
Quote from: Rabbit on January 26, 2012, 04:28:21 AM
I think your problem is coming from not how you look... but how you live.
You say you are open about yourself as a "boy", but when you are a "girl" you keep yourself from being open with those around you and letting them really accept YOU.
I can definitely tell you that feeling like you are hiding things from those around you can make you feel removed... it can make everything seem fake (even their friendship in you).
Why not simply try being open? Tell people you are trans... have them accept you fully (and there are PLENTY of people out there who will). If you present well, are nice to be around, are a good friend and person... you will attract plenty of real friends (and being trans won't be an issue).
Really, it sounds like your plan to be "androgynous" is going to pretty much be this. You are going to drop the entire "secret' and just live as you are... right?
I have seen your videos too, so... going back to "I'm a boy" seems like it would be tricky :P
Exactly, going to androgynous would basically me be saying, I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy. I'd still wear most of the cloths I wear now, probably not any skirts or dresses (which I really don't like anyway), but with no pressure to be a woman, or a man. As a guy I came to realize that I was very different... I mean, I was 5'8" 120 lbs and had a woman's face... but I was ok with that. I got called miss and ma'am a lot back then and I was ok with that, I thought it was funny. However, if I got called sir today I wouldn't be laughing, I'd probably be crying. Mainly because I put so much time, effort and money into being female. I don't like having these fears and restrictions, I just want to be happy, open and be myself.
Even though I feel like a woman, the entire time I've been transitioning I've always thought in the back of my mind, I'm a boy. I am a boy, I'm just a boy that looks, acts, lives, dresses and sounds like a woman. I don't feel like any amount of surgery will ever change that.
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have. I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life. Yet, I basically disown my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed? Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.
Basically, what it boils down to is this: I want to be a woman. However, I want to have been born a woman.
Even my friends that do know I am trans... I don't feel comfortable around them. I feel more comfortable, but I still feel like I am acting. Also, you are right, going back to being male would not be easy for me... my size alone makes people think female. Although, my body is a simple fix, I have absolutely no boobs and I am very lean and tone. Honestly, I can walk around shirtless and nobody would think anything. It's really just my face , but I've always had a woman's face.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 26, 2012, 11:29:14 AM
Exactly, going to androgynous would basically me be saying, I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy. I'd still wear most of the cloths I wear now, probably not any skirts or dresses (which I really don't like anyway), but with no pressure to be a woman, or a man. As a guy I came to realize that I was very different... I mean, I was 5'8" 120 lbs and had a woman's face... but I was ok with that. I got called miss and ma'am a lot back then and I was ok with that, I thought it was funny. However, if I got called sir today I wouldn't be laughing, I'd probably be crying. Mainly because I put so much time, effort and money into being female. I don't like having these fears and restrictions, I just want to be happy, open and be myself.
Even though I feel like a woman, the entire time I've been transitioning I've always thought in the back of my mind, I'm a boy. I am a boy, I'm just a boy that looks, acts, lives, dresses and sounds like a woman. I don't feel like any amount of surgery will ever change that.
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have. I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life. Yet, I basically disown my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed? Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.
Yo. I've been following what you've saying for a couple months now with interesting, mostly because I have had, at varying times, very similar feelings as you, and my background is really similar to yours.
Obviously I can't know exactly what's going through your head, but it resonates a lot with me when you say things like "I was born a healthy attractive white male in a prominent family in the US", because that was me. "Why not just be happy with what I have..." was one of the things that made me wait as long as I did. A straight white affluent American cis male? That's like, the very top of the food chain. Sometimes I was convinced that the only reason I was transitioning was not because I was trans, but because I felt like I had privilege guilt. I dunno if that sounds right, and obviously I'm not suggesting that has to be the case for you, but I did struggle with the question "why are you throwing all of this away?" I do think, though, that it's ultimately unhealthy to do this, especially when you start comparing your problems to others. Comparative privileges and issues really aren't fair to yourself or to others, because there are always going to be people that are either more or less oppressed than you in different ways.
Quote
Basically, what it boils down to is this: I want to be a woman. However, I want to have been born a woman.
Even my friends that do know I am trans... I don't feel comfortable around them. I feel more comfortable, but I still feel like I am acting. Also, you are right, going back to being male would not be easy for me... my size alone makes people think female. Although, my body is a simple fix, I have absolutely no boobs and I am very lean and tone. Honestly, I can walk around shirtless and nobody would think anything. It's really just my face , but I've always had a woman's face.
I think this is the case for a hell of a lot of people, and I'm no exception. (I would like to say, though, that nobody is
born a woman. Everyone is born a baby, and ultimately the difference in upbringing is often painful, but I'm not sure that it has to make a difference on who we are as adults if we're allowed time to mature as ourselves, as whatever gender we feel is most comfortable.) I'm not sure what to make of the sum totality of what you're saying, though. I think there's something telling about the fact that you say that you want to be a woman, but on the other hand, I know that transition really isn't for everyone and that ultimately it's up to the individual to make that choice.
I did have a lot of anxieties about passing and about feeling different and feeling that I looked different from cis women when I first started my policy of nondisclosure, but after a while I realized I didn't have to be a stereotype. I didn't have to wear makeup, I didn't have to wear any specific kind of clothing, and didn't have to do anything that was "expected" of me as a woman. A lot of women probably see me as pretty different from most (though I guess for a dyke my behavior and manner of dress isn't too different from the norm), and it was really liberating to know that I didn't have to conform to everyone's idea of what a woman has to be or do. I found that my body issues really faded when I started to behave however I wanted.
As you can see on the side, I describe my gender as "queer". I think a big step for me came when I realized that my identity as queer was more important than my identity as a female and as a woman, and while the other two are also true, they don't constitute an identity on my part.
It's just something to think about. Ultimately, being androgynous might be your answer, and I'm glad if that is the case, but androgyny doesn't preclude being a woman, either.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 26, 2012, 11:29:14 AM
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have. I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life. Yet, I basically disown my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed? Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.
I just feel like I have to say this isn't a good way to look at your problems, everyone has problems, just because someone might be theoretically worse off than you in basis of their basic living needs doesn't make your problems any less valid, any less real or any less important.
It's something people tend to say to people with gender dysphoria in order to try an deter them from transition, like "Someone has it worse off than you so why can't you just be happy with what you have" and it doesn't make your pains go away at all.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 26, 2012, 11:29:14 AM
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have. I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life. Yet, I basically disown my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed? Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.
Not trying to tell you what to do here, but those people are going to be living on food scraps regardless of whether you transition or not.
I'm not going to go into the details or even the actual issue, since I'm tired and didn't follow your whole story, and I don't really feel like reading that wall of text.
I just have this little advice: You've been getting "on and off hormones" by yourself, ased on your feelings? I'm not even going into how harmful such an attitude is, but... Don't do such things on your own. Taking or not taking medications is not something you can be ambivalent about, and the decision to start or stop a drug has to be taken with a doctor.
Apart from that, detransitioning, which would pretty much mean having breast reduction, removal of your lower-body implants and maybe having to take T for the rest of your life, to spare your bones from osteoporosis, is a major decision. One you can't go back on at all. Plus, the very act of deciding to detransition, and then not to, back and forth, means you need help.
You NEED to see a therapist and sort this out.
My 2 cents:
Get ahold of your family and build that relationship back up.
Consider gender therapy and lgbt community involvement.
Embrace yourself, whether you be male, female, both, or other. It's alright.
Quote from: A on January 26, 2012, 04:51:49 PM
I'm not going to go into the details or even the actual issue, since I'm tired and didn't follow your whole story, and I don't really feel like reading that wall of text.
I just have this little advice: You've been getting "on and off hormones" by yourself, ased on your feelings? I'm not even going into how harmful such an attitude is, but... Don't do such things on your own. Taking or not taking medications is not something you can be ambivalent about, and the decision to start or stop a drug has to be taken with a doctor.
Apart from that, detransitioning, which would pretty much mean having breast reduction, removal of your lower-body implants and maybe having to take T for the rest of your life, to spare your bones from osteoporosis, is a major decision. One you can't go back on at all. Plus, the very act of deciding to detransition, and then not to, back and forth, means you need help.
You NEED to see a therapist and sort this out.
You should have read the whole wall of text =)
I quit taking my hormones for my lower body surgery, so it was under the guidance of a doctor. He told me when to get back on them, I did for maybe a week and then I got back off of them. Other than that, I've never been completely off them.
I have no breast to remove, I can go shirtless today and I am completely flat chested... honestly, nobody would think twice. I spoke to my doctor and she says that since I am so young that my T would return to decent, if not normal levels, and that I could still probably have children. I suspect my T is already returning to pretty decent levels because I am starting to grow little hairs on my chin. I wouldn't need to get my butt implants removed... boys can have nice butts too =)
I totally need to see a therapist though, you are right. My therapist recently retired, so I need to do some research and find somebody. Although, it'll be weeks before I can go see anyone, I still have a lot of recovery left to do from surgery.
Quote from: Wonderdyke on January 26, 2012, 12:09:56 PM
I think this is the case for a hell of a lot of people, and I'm no exception. (I would like to say, though, that nobody is born a woman. Everyone is born a baby, and ultimately the difference in upbringing is often painful, but I'm not sure that it has to make a difference on who we are as adults if we're allowed time to mature as ourselves, as whatever gender we feel is most comfortable.)
I was born a boy... with a penis and XY chromosomes. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it... it's science. I was born a boy, that felt like he should have been born and raised as a woman.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 26, 2012, 11:29:14 AM
I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy.
This is how I feel also :)
I figure I'm just a boy who happens to have some feminine qualities (and runs on estrogen instead of testosterone... and loves it).
Instead of being like other guys who wish they were stronger... bigger... more "masculine" ... I wish I were the opposite.
How come guys can go through GREAT lengths to change their bodies to more masculine (working out, taking suppliments, even extra testosterone and creatine!) and no one thinks anything else of it....
But if we decide we want to do the same effort to look more feminine... something is wrong with us?
Sure, I have a lot in common with women ... but I don't think that makes me one. The entire "am I a girl or boy" is all an issue of semantics anyway. It really isn't important. I figure I'll just do what I like... and let people figure out the semantics on their own :P ((And they do, some of my friends think of me as female...and some think of me as male lol))
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 26, 2012, 10:18:07 PM
I was born a boy... with a penis and XY chromosomes. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it... it's science. I was born a boy, that felt like he should have been born and raised as a woman.
Well, there's something :)
If your gender fluidity won't let you hold on to some something you can always PM one of us. (I'm a bit of an elusive bumble bee, but I do my best)
Quote from: Rabbit on January 26, 2012, 10:20:35 PM
This is how I feel also :)
I figure I'm just a boy who happens to have some feminine qualities (and runs on estrogen instead of testosterone... and loves it).
Instead of being like other guys who wish they were stronger... bigger... more "masculine" ... I wish I were the opposite.
How come guys can go through GREAT lengths to change their bodies to more masculine (working out, taking suppliments, even extra testosterone and creatine!) and no one thinks anything else of it....
But if we decide we want to do the same effort to look more feminine... something is wrong with us?
Sure, I have a lot in common with women ... but I don't think that makes me one. The entire "am I a girl or boy" is all an issue of semantics anyway. It really isn't important. I figure I'll just do what I like... and let people figure out the semantics on their own :P ((And they do, some of my friends think of me as female...and some think of me as male lol))
Yay, I like that... that's how I use to be, and I miss it. You wear who you are on your sleeve, and you own it.
For years I was a "gender queer" or whatever people wanna call it, a very out transperson but was obviously -born male-. It wasn't a bad time in my life but as I kept inching towards "presenting as female" I felt a push back from society. They seem to be OK with some presentation of gender variety but when I got close to the middle, I found you really have to either jump over to the female side or stay on the male side of it. Maybe this is what you're experiencing?
It also might be a reaction to the meds you're on. Have no idea what you're taking but progesterone made me anxious, couldn't sleep and normal estradiol gave me monster headaches. I was on just spiro for a long time and I felt great on just that, maybe that would be a good option? Later we added estriol and I'm fine/normal being on that.
Then again maybe you're destined to be on the feminine side of male, there is nothing wrong with that. I just found that for me it wasn't enough, it helped but I need to be on the other side of that line in the middle. Don't let the trans community tell you that you have to pass as anything other than yourself. If you think taking female hormones is wrong for you, then don't take them. This is about QUALITY OF LIFE and only you can decide what makes you happy!
Quote from: Stephe on January 27, 2012, 09:30:24 AM
It also might be a reaction to the meds you're on. Have no idea what you're taking but progesterone made me anxious, couldn't sleep and normal estradiol gave me monster headaches. I was on just spiro for a long time and I felt great on just that, maybe that would be a good option? Later we added estriol and I'm fine/normal being on that.
A lot of what I'm feeling does have to do with hormones. If you look back through my other detransition posts, I always mention how much I hate my hormones. I can't stand them. They make me overly emotional, overly sensitive, and depressed. When I got off of them for my butt surgery, it took about 2 weeks to get over the shock of getting off of them, I became sad, depressed and my body was incredibly shaky. I remember getting sick to my stomach several times just because of how shaky I was. Then, after about 2 weeks, I suddenly felt amazing, and I continued to feel amazing for 4 weeks until I started taking my hormones again. Around day 3 on hormones I began to get really depressed, really self conscious, bitchy, emotional... and I realized that it's my hormones that are making me feel this way. Unfortunately, those symptoms are always present when I am on hormones. I've known they caused these problems, but I didn't realize the full extent of it until getting off hormones. So, 5 days ago I quit my hormones after being back on them for a week, and ever since then I have felt fantastic. Even though I am going through these detransition thoughts, I'm not depressed, or sad, or unhappy... I feel great, just have a lot to think about. Whereas, the other times I was going through this, I was so upset and depressed, because I was still on my hormones.
Quote from: Tony888 on January 27, 2012, 11:40:20 AM
I know exactly how you feel. which is why i made the decision to detransiton a few months back.
Like you, I was scared to do anything. Hormones eventually started to make me depressed and i also understand the "fake" feeling you talk about.
It took awhile to figure out who i really was, and yes, i do have regrets (quitting school, loosing friends etc) but if i didn't transition, It would have always been in the back of my mind.
At least now, I know who i really am! :)
I so envy you =) I want to go back so bad, I just don't know if I can go through it. How long were your living as a woman before detransitioning?
My problem is, I've forgotten how to socialize as a male. I've spent 3 years socializing as female, and everytime I've tried to detransition I get confused in conversation and start reverting back to female. Also, the majority of people here don't know I'm trans... So, I was secretive when I went out as a guy. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me dressed male, because I didn't want to out myself since I wasn't certain if I wanted to de-transition. That's going to be the hardest part, is just telling people that I'm going to transition to a boy. I guess I'll just start out by telling them I am FtM, which will still leave me the option to change my mind and them not know I was born a boy.
Did you have laser hair removal? I am wondering if I will be able to grow facial hair if I go back? I have had probably 12 sessions of laser, so I'm thinking that if I go back that if I can grow much facial hair that it may be patchy? In which case, I would just get that lasered off, because I don't want to be patchy. After being off hormones for a month and a half, the only place I grew any facial hair was on my chin, but I've always had a little growth there anyway... it was just more growth, and faster. It would be fun to grow a little beard thing like you've got going on now.
Btw, thanks for making an account just to make that post =)
Vanna,
At least you are doing this while young. I am pushing 60 now and started transitioning a year ago. Unlike you and most on this forum, the HRT had a calming effect on me in so that even some of my original hair color is back, no long and deep mood swings. Certain feelings that were supposed to be forming at adolescence did so this past summer which left me dazed and then angry from the basic things of younger adults being missed here. Detransitioning has been on my mind lately, but the the problem is that the available ladies in my age group are through with long term relationships and romance in general. I have blossomed in the winter of the human lifecycle.
Reconnect with family. This will help with your detransitioning or the continuation of your transition. Hugs.
Joelene
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 27, 2012, 01:29:01 PMThey make me overly emotional, overly sensitive, and depressed.
I loveeeeee the crazy emotional and sensitivity! So so so so fun. I guess it could get old eventually...but... so fun :D
The depressed isn't good though :( But that might be from other causes?
SO, I called a new gender therapist today (Since mine retired in December) and left a message to schedule an appointment. I told her it was urgent, so hopefully she can fit me in as early as today. If not, I suspect it will be Monday or Tuesday. I think it'll be good to try somebody new, who doesn't know me, my past, or that I've transitioned.
Also, I picked a woman because I feel uncomfortable around women. That's something that spawned when i started transitioning. Had I picked a man, I'd be more inclined to be flirty and play the female role.
Quote from: Rabbit on January 27, 2012, 02:13:17 PM
I loveeeeee the crazy emotional and sensitivity! So so so so fun. I guess it could get old eventually...but... so fun :D
The depressed isn't good though :( But that might be from other causes?
Haha, try 3 years of it, it may not be as fun then =)
I loved it too for about the first year.. I remember thinking, this is great, I'm in touch with my emotions, I cry now and feel more strongly for things than I use to. After a while it gets pretty old.... I find myself crying for no reason, over reacting about little things, and just flat out being a bitch. I listen to myself sometimes and I hate the person I am becoming, or have become.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 27, 2012, 01:29:01 PM
I so envy you =) I want to go back so bad, I just don't know if I can go through it. How long were your living as a woman before detransitioning?
My problem is, I've forgotten how to socialize as a male. I've spent 3 years socializing as female, and everytime I've tried to detransition I get confused in conversation and start reverting back to female. Also, the majority of people here don't know I'm trans... So, I was secretive when I went out as a guy. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me dressed male, because I didn't want to out myself since I wasn't certain if I wanted to de-transition. That's going to be the hardest part, is just telling people that I'm going to transition to a boy. I guess I'll just start out by telling them I am FtM, which will still leave me the option to change my mind and them not know I was born a boy.
Did you have laser hair removal? I am wondering if I will be able to grow facial hair if I go back? I have had probably 12 sessions of laser, so I'm thinking that if I go back that if I can grow much facial hair that it may be patchy? In which case, I would just get that lasered off, because I don't want to be patchy. After being off hormones for a month and a half, the only place I grew any facial hair was on my chin, but I've always had a little growth there anyway... it was just more growth, and faster. It would be fun to grow a little beard thing like you've got going on now.
Btw, thanks for making an account just to make that post =)
I'm not sure how long exactly i lived as a girl (it's a random blur) but it must have been about 3-4 years.
early 2008 - october 2011 something like that...
BUT i only started hormones in like 2010 and i self medicated on and off.
Haha i was worried about that too! but really, It wasn't a problem...as soon as i chopped off my hair it just came natural :)
I'll admit though, that the walk was the hardest part... sometimes i still have to remember to walk like a guy Lol.
Hmmm. I guess using "I'm a ftm" could work..and your right it leaves you the option to go back if you change your mind.
when i transitioned only family and a few friends knew, so when i turned up like a guy everyone was like "do i know you?" haha.
so honestly i wouldn't know. If anyone else knows about my past, good for them but i couldn't give a crap if they do or even what they think!
(That's another thing, I noticed i got my confidence back after detransition. Man did i miss it!)
Nope never had laser hair removal. I did use an epilater on my face a few times.. but then again, I never really had much facial hair to begin with. sure, I have some now, but i haven't shaved in like 4 months..
so maybe yours will grow back.
You're welcome! :)
Btw, can't reply to message yet. not enough posts i assume.. but sure! :)
I don't have Skype, Aim, Msn etc but i do have Facebook.
I already searched for you, should i add you?
Quote from: Tony888 on January 27, 2012, 02:45:25 PM
I'm not sure how long exactly i lived as a girl (it's a random blur) but it must have been about 3-4 years.
early 2008 - october 2011 something like that...
BUT i only started hormones in like 2010 and i self medicated on and off.
Haha i was worried about that too! but really, It wasn't a problem...as soon as i chopped off my hair it just came natural :)
I'll admit though, that the walk was the hardest part... sometimes i still have to remember to walk like a guy Lol.
Hmmm. I guess using "I'm a ftm" could work..and your right it leaves you the option to go back if you change your mind.
when i transitioned only family and a few friends knew, so when i turned up like a guy everyone was like "do i know you?" haha.
so honestly i wouldn't know. If anyone else knows about my past, good for them but i couldn't give a crap if they do or even what they think!
(That's another thing, I noticed i got my confidence back after detransition. Man did i miss it!)
Nope never had laser hair removal. I did use an epilater on my face a few times.. but then again, I never really had much facial hair to begin with. sure, I have some now, but i haven't shaved in like 4 months..
so maybe yours will grow back.
You're welcome! :)
Btw, can't reply to message yet. not enough posts i assume.. but sure! :)
I don't have Skype, Aim, Msn etc but i do have Facebook.
I already searched for you, should i add you?
Yes please add me, I am Vanna Burnham on FaceBook. There are 2 Vanna Burnham's, I am the one with the profile pic of Ben Bernanke =)
I think the right haircut could make me pass as male. I will probably be viewed as FtM for a while, last time I tried to detransition that's what people though. Once I get my voice, my swagger and my mannerisms down though, I should do just fine.
See, i want my confidence back... I miss is so much. I miss that male drive to compete and succeed, I lost that when I started taking hormones. I figure if I go back I will leave my hair as it is for now, then cut maybe 6 inches off and get sorta a slightly long rocker haircut, and then once I'm completely decided I'll cut it back to how it use to be... which was still long, but very bad ass. I think just cutting my hair would do a lot, people would recognize me, but I'd use my lower voice. I guess I could just say I'm Vanna's twin brother to people that I know at restaurants and stuff.
The walk will be hard... i swish around quite a bit hehe
Well to me transitioning is going to be like Naruto.
I've been watching I am not quitting. I'm waiting for it to be finished damn it!
Vanna,
I'm happy that you have found yourself a new therapist! Be patient, It may be longer for your first session, despite the urgency. Be honest with your therapist and yourself. I am still having problems finding one here with my limited income. The gender therapist my Dr. had suggested is full up for the year! Try to calm down, you're on an emotional roller coaster here.
Joelene
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 27, 2012, 01:29:01 PM
A lot of what I'm feeling does have to do with hormones. If you look back through my other detransition posts, I always mention how much I hate my hormones. I can't stand them.
Then don't take them. Hormones are NOT required to live as a woman. I lived full time for several years and just this last month or so have I found a type of E I can tolerate without bad side effects. Estradiaol made me feel like total crap, crawling out of my skin, migraine headaches constantly etc. After trying 4-5 different types I said "F this stuff" and just took spiro/finesteride. I felt great just killing off the T.
Again ALL of this is about quality of life.. You don't have to do the "whole checklist" to be happy. You don't have to even present as the opposite of your birth gender. You can be in between. If you miss "the male drive" then you totally shouldn't be on hormones. I think you're headed back in the right direction.
This person is a great example of why the cookie cutter "Pass as female or you will die" mentality is harmful.
Vanna would you mind if I added you as well?
Quote from: Bird on January 27, 2012, 06:36:50 PM
Vanna would you mind if I added you as well?
Of course not. Just look for the photo of Ben bernanke when you add me :)
Added Vanna!
I don't trust Facebook or I would of added Vanna (The Fed Chairman). If I didn't say before, that's a pretty Chocolate Point Siamese (tomcat, if I remember?) on your avatar. Hugs!
Joelene
Quote from: Joelene9 on January 27, 2012, 09:28:07 PM
I don't trust Facebook or I would of added Vanna (The Fed Chairman). If I didn't say before, that's a pretty Chocolate Point Siamese (tomcat, if I remember?) on your avatar. Hugs!
Joelene
Thank you :) that's my kitty, Luigi. He's been with me for over 4 years, traveled across the country with me, and known me as van and Vanna. He once got lost for over 3 weeks when I moved to Portland and found his way home. He's been a pretty amazing cat :)
He's actually a seal point Siamese, thats why he is so dark. My other boy, Monroe, was chocolate, but he got run over :( my new girl, Zelda, is chocolate too, but she is just a kitten so she hasnt gotten dark yet.
Quote from: Zylphia on January 27, 2012, 03:51:58 PM
Well to me transitioning is going to be like Naruto.
I've been watching I am not quitting. I'm waiting for it to be finished damn it!
Sorry I was reading through this, and just had to go off topic for a bit. I seriously love naruto and I disagree, I NEVER want it to end. Lol, I've had to keep myself busy with fullmetal alchemist and death note while they release some more episodes so I don't die of anxiety waiting for them XD
Anyway, back to OP's topic. I am 18 (19 in a month) and I am almost positive I am going to start the whole transition thing soon (mtf). I'm very worried about this exact thing, and have been killing myself thinking for hours a day for the past few months if I really am transsexual. I've decided that, despite how scared I am of everything that will happen and maybe making a mistake, I was born a female and that's that. I will never be happy as a male, and if being who I truly am separates me from society and outcasts me, then that's their fault. What I'm saying is that you need to be whoever you are truly happy with, so whether it's male, female, or androgynous don't let other people influence you. Don't worry about not fitting in or passing, YOU need to be happy above all else, so don't go changing because of everyone else. Anyway, I don't know if that helps and I'm just starting myself, but that's what I've decided and I thought I would share. Good luck on whatever you choose :)
Quote from: ItachiUchiha on January 29, 2012, 10:43:13 PM
Sorry I was reading through this, and just had to go off topic for a bit. I seriously love naruto and I disagree, I NEVER want it to end. Lol, I've had to keep myself busy with fullmetal alchemist and death note while they release some more episodes so I don't die of anxiety waiting for them XD
Anyway, back to OP's topic. I am 18 (19 in a month) and I am almost positive I am going to start the whole transition thing soon (mtf). I'm very worried about this exact thing, and have been killing myself thinking for hours a day for the past few months if I really am transsexual. I've decided that, despite how scared I am of everything that will happen and maybe making a mistake, I was born a female and that's that. I will never be happy as a male, and if being who I truly am separates me from society and outcasts me, then that's their fault. What I'm saying is that you need to be whoever you are truly happy with, so whether it's male, female, or androgynous don't let other people influence you. Don't worry about not fitting in or passing, YOU need to be happy above all else, so don't go changing because of everyone else. Anyway, I don't know if that helps and I'm just starting myself, but that's what I've decided and I thought I would share. Good luck on whatever you choose :)
Thank you for your kind words =)
The problem is, is that I pass completely...100%. I am completely accepted, only my closest friends know I am trans, I have a great job with lots of freedom, have a nice house, a car, a very successful boyfriend... and i'm completely misreable. I am misreable because I feel like a phony, a fake. Given the choice, yes, I would have liked to have been born a woman. Unfortunately, I was not... I was born a man. That is what I can't get over. No amount of surgery, no amount of social acceptance, no amount of support will ever make me get over that.
I don't think that transitioning was a mistake... I think I did the right thing. I had to know if I wanted to be a woman, and I had to tell my family and friends my feelings. I am not happy as a woman though... I am not confident, I am scared to leave my house, I have very few friends because I don't allow people to get close to me anymore, I obsess over my body and my appearance, and every second of my life is consumed with transitioning. I want to have a life again.
I think part of my problem was that I pass so well. I passed from day 1, and I made a pretty girl... It was that allure that kept me going. In my head I'm thinking, wow.. I pass completely and I make a good looking girl, what more could I ask for. I got swept up in the attention from boys asking me out every week, to people asking me to do photoshoots, to feedback from my YouTube channel. It all has propelled me forward, but now I have reached a point where none of those things matter to me anymore, and I realize how unhappy I really am.
My goal is to be living as full time male before my birthday (early March). That gives me a month to think things through, buy some cloths, work on my voice, tell my friends "hey I'm transitioning to a guy, but don't worry, I was a guy all along," and mentally prepare myself. I hope that I detransition this time... I think it'll be the best choice I ever made. I am just scared I won't make it. It seems harder this time around than it was to begin transitioning.
Well hey, nothing ventured nothing gained, right? If you have found out that you are truly happy as a male, then just as you decided to transition the first time, you probably need to do it again. You've found out that you wish you were born a woman, but are truly happy being the male that you were born as because you don't feel comfortable in your female body. In the end, you have gotten to be both sexes (physically) and lived as both, which I think is rewarding in and of itself. I, however, know that I will only be happy living as a female (i know I will always have some boyish things about me, but hey that's to be expected for living as a guy for 19 years) and I mostly just hope that I can pass physically (I don't have to be gorgeous, just look like an average female) because I just want to live a normal female life and don't want to constantly be reminded looking in the mirror that people will always see me as an in-between (transsexual) and not as the female I desire to be. Anyway, I'm happy for you that you have gone through these experiences and have found yourself, and I wish the best of luck in the rest of your journey and hope it leaves you happy :)
Quote from: ItachiUchiha on January 30, 2012, 12:02:14 PM
I, however, know that I will only be happy living as a female (i know I will always have some boyish things about me, but hey that's to be expected for living as a guy for 19 years) and I mostly just hope that I can pass physically.
I once felt this exact same way, which is why I transitioned. It took me 3 years of living as female to realize that this wasn't the case. So yes, I feel I made the right choice an that I did indeed need to transition. The point I'm trying to make is, your mind may change over time, no matter how you feel now, and how much you think that it may not change.
I wanted my mind to change, but it was like "LOL Nope!"
Hi Vanna!
I just want to add something to this conversation, also if it's difficoult because everyone here spook better than I could do.
Basically i think you say two different things at the same time, and you know that as well. You miss your boyish life. And you miss being male because you are not satisfied with the way your body feels.
But keep the things separated. Growing up, not being a teen or a real young boy is tough for a boy or a girl. Loosing friends and person you love is an ordinary routine out there. You can work it out! Maybe it takes time but you ll have a better social life for sure. Try to see a therapist. Anyway going back is not the only option you have. I say it because my life takes the opposite direction. I am fighting everyday to come out, to restore my need of life, love and sharing. I think, at least for me, that impersonating someone is much easier, you only choose the better things and send the others away, but with time you come to the point you ve only lost years not risking anything, not being anyone for real.
The body feeling is another thing. It s very personal and complicated. But from what you say it seems to me that you are not satisfied with how much feminine you look and feel still a guy. If that s the feeling going back would make things worse.
Hope it helps
Quote from: Sweet Blue Girl on January 30, 2012, 01:12:20 PM
Hi Vanna!
I just want to add something to this conversation, also if it's difficoult because everyone here spook better than I could do.
Basically i think you say two different things at the same time, and you know that as well. You miss your boyish life. And you miss being male because you are not satisfied with the way your body feels.
But keep the things separated. Growing up, not being a teen or a real young boy is tough for a boy or a girl. Loosing friends and person you love is an ordinary routine out there. You can work it out! Maybe it takes time but you ll have a better social life for sure. Try to see a therapist. Anyway going back is not the only option you have. I say it because my life takes the opposite direction. I am fighting everyday to come out, to restore my need of life, love and sharing. I think, at least for me, that impersonating someone is much easier, you only choose the better things and send the others away, but with time you come to the point you ve only lost years not risking anything, not being anyone for real.
The body feeling is another thing. It s very personal and complicated. But from what you say it seems to me that you are not satisfied with how much feminine you look and feel still a guy. If that s the feeling going back would make things worse.
Hope it helps
I am, and am not satisfied with how I look. I'm satisfied to the point where I know I look like a woman and nobody could ever tell I was really a guy. I'm not satisfied in that I still obsess over parts of my body, regardless of how I look, or feel. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman... but I don't completely feel like a woman... and that causes problems
As a girl, I miss parts of being a boy... the simplicity of life, how I felt socially comfortable, my friends, my family, being comfortable with my body. However, if I go back to being a boy, I am also going to miss things... feeling pretty, the attention from boys, some of the cloths (except bras, I can't stand bras), maybe the makeup, and the flexibility I have. So, to me, it seems most logical to go back to being an androgynous or feminine boy. A boy that wears a mix of boy and girl cloths, not hiding what I was born, not afraid to develop strong friendships and relationships... basically, be just me. Then I can have the best of both worlds... be comfortable with myself, and show people who I really am... which is basically a boy that wants to be a girl, but still enjoys things about being a boy.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 30, 2012, 02:14:56 PM
I am, and am not satisfied with how I look. I'm not satisfied in that I still obsess over parts of my body, regardless of how I look, or feel. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman... but I don't completely feel like a woman... and that causes problems.
Most bio women obsess over their bodies like that too so should we as transwomen be any different? I know how you feel i do that same things, looking in the mirror at myself obsessing over my body, it's just part of being a woman. It took me a long time but i've finally made peace with the fact that i can't be 100% female, but i can be 90% or even 95% percent and that's good enough for me. The more i read your posts the more i can relate to myself and that scares me because i'm afraid you're making the same mistake i did by de-transitioning. Like i said in my earlier post when i did go back at first things did seem to get better and my confidence returned but slowly over the years the feelings i've had since I was a child returned and i knew i made a mistake.
I tired being a straight male, I tried being a gay male, I tried being an androgynous male....the problem was i didn't feel right being male period. I agree with you that it just seems easier to work with what god gave you, it's easier on your family and friends too but your the one that has to live with your decision.
Have you considered that maybe you just have low self esteem and social anxiety issues regardless of what gender you're living as? My doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft for my anxiety issues and it works lol. I was a little hesitant to take it because I used to think those kind of drugs were for crazy people but it's really just a simple chemical imbalance which many people suffer from and are afraid to seek treatment.
Anywayz hope that helps, good luck! xo
Quote from: Danielle×o on January 30, 2012, 04:01:34 PM
Most bio women obsess over their bodies like that too so should we as transwomen be any different? I know how you feel i do that same things, looking in the mirror at myself obsessing over my body, it's just part of being a woman. It took me a long time but i've finally made peace with the fact that i can't be 100% female, but i can be 90% or even 95% percent and that's good enough for me. The more i read your posts the more i can relate to myself and that scares me because i'm afraid you're making the same mistake i did by de-transitioning. Like i said in my earlier post when i did go back at first things did seem to get better and my confidence returned but slowly over the years the feelings i've had since I was a child returned and i knew i made a mistake.
I tired being a straight male, I tried being a gay male, I tried being an androgynous male....the problem was i didn't feel right being male period. I agree with you that it just seems easier to work with what god gave you, it's easier on your family and friends too but your the one that has to live with your decision.
Have you considered that maybe you just have low self esteem and social anxiety issues regardless of what gender you're living as? My doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft for my anxiety issues and it works lol. I was a little hesitant to take it because I used to think those kind of drugs were for crazy people but it's really just a simple chemical imbalance which many people suffer from and are afraid to seek treatment.
Anywayz hope that helps, good luck! xo
My low self esteem and social anxiety issues are completely related to living as a girl and being on hormones. I was one of the most confident and outgoing guys you'd ever meet... I was the boy that was good at anything, would ask any girl out and always surrounded by tons of friends. As a girl I only feel confident around men. I don't like being around women at all, and I don't like being in social settings with lots of people. Obsessing over your body may be something young women do, but women eventually grow out of it. I, however, am not going to grow out of this. If anything, my obsession has gotten worse as the years have progressed.
I do enjoy being a woman at times, no doubt about that... but my overall quality of life is crap. I want to live my life again, and I intend to =)
Haha you don't even want to get me started on how absurd mental health has become. As for Zoloft, or any psych drug... no, you couldn't pay me to be on that stuff. The long term effects on meds like that always prove that the drug is more harmful than it is helpful. The changes it does to your brain chemistry make you worse over time and dependent on the drug to function normally. They also typically onset some other mental problem too. Read a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker, it's a book on longitudinal research of drug pharmacology. You are right, drugs like that use to be widely considered to be for crazy people, but now they hand them out like candy. Today, they are so quick to classify you as bi-polar, depressed, schizoid, give you meds and send you on your way.
Here's a fun little bit of information. America has the best mental health system in the world, the best funded system, the most access to medications, the highest educational requirements and credentialing for mental health professionals, the best research and evidence based practices. And, despite all that, Mental Health Disability has risen more than 400% over the past 20 years. Americans are getting sicker and crazier. All of the longitudinal research shows that psych meds don't work and make people worse over the long haul. What's most appalling is they are giving these drugs to children now, our future looks really promising when we have a whole generation of kids who started taking ritalin and anti psychotics before puberty.
Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 30, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.
Lol np hun i didn't take any offence to it. I did my research before filling the script so i'm fully aware of the pro's and con's of these kind of medications. I decided to take it anyway and i feel pretty good, 2 years and no problems. Zoloft kind of evens me out sorta like smoking weed except this is legal. :D
Anywayz thanks for the heads up & good luck on your journey! :)
Quote from: VannaSiamese on January 30, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
Read a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker, it's a book on longitudinal research of drug pharmacology. You are right, drugs like that use to be widely considered to be for crazy people, but now they hand them out like candy. Today, they are so quick to classify you as bi-polar, depressed, schizoid, give you meds and send you on your way.
Here's a fun little bit of information. America has the best mental health system in the world, the best funded system, the most access to medications, the highest educational requirements and credentialing for mental health professionals, the best research and evidence based practices. And, despite all that, Mental Health Disability has risen more than 400% over the past 20 years. Americans are getting sicker and crazier. All of the longitudinal research shows that psych meds don't work and make people worse over the long haul. What's most appalling is they are giving these drugs to children now, our future looks really promising when we have a whole generation of kids who started taking ritalin and anti psychotics before puberty.
Sorry, I'm not going off on you, but it is something you need to know.
Quick to classify....Yes! Therein lies the rub! I had a good "old school" doctor in the late 1990's. He put me on Zoloft. The Zoloft worked about a month and the effects faded. My Dr. wanted to do some more testing on me to determine should he up the dosage. That didn't happen. He was killed in an auto accident. I got a prescription from the temp Dr. and the practice closed with no buyers. I had to wean myself off of the stuff. In 2001, after being laid off, I saw another doctor. He prescribed 3 more antidepressants, one right after another. I was on the COBRA insurance program that lasted 18 months. Those 3 drugs (Efflexor, Remeron, Serzone) did not work that well. The insurance covered most of my Dr. visits, but had no drug coverage. I was paying for these expensive drugs out-of-pocket. That Dr. dropped me as soon as my COBRA coverage lapsed.
I had no Dr. until my PSA reading from a health fair blood test showed an over the top reading in 2007. I went to an urologist to check it out. He did the digital anal probe and told me that I needed a biopsy, which is through the anus as well. During that time when he introduced himself to me to when I left his office, he was hyping his prostate surgery services. I asked about the hormone therapy. He said that I was too young for that, even so that I went on to request that because that I was transgender. He went out once and his nurse came in and was hyping the same thing! I never went back. 3 months later an article came out in the AARP magazine saying to the effect that the biopsy and the prostate surgery was in most cases unnecessary and ineffective. The side effects of the surgery and even from the biopsy was worst than the prostate cancer, according to the poll taken.
Joelene
Just wanted to say two things. I'm jealous that you look so beautiful. Wish I could be half as nice! Second, good luck with your detransition. For some reason it's an ugly word in the trans-community but we should embrace and make room for all stories. If that's what you feel is necessary then go for it, I wish you well. You're better off not making the mistake of the two Swedish ex-MtFs whose lives were documented in the docfilm Regretters.
Hi Vanna!
I've watched a few of your youtube videos and followed you for a bit on one of your blogs that you no longer belong to. You are a beautiful person and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you choose. I just hope you don't fully leave the youtube community, because I enjoy listening to your piano playing.
::Hugs::
Sylph
Being able to be oneself is independant of one's body, for the most part. While it may be discouraged if a woman acts particularly masculine, or if a man acts particularly feminine, in an intelligent and mature atmosphere these are welcomed as a person is just being themselves.
I don't properly identify with being a stereotypical woman; that is, I believe that I might be more dual-gendered. I am certainly not male, but I don't believe that masculine traits should be avoided - I aspire to be strong, confident, a leader, and I don't feel afraid to say things that a woman would not be expected to say at times. In fact, I have absolutely no restraint at all - which, I will say, is a bit regrettable.
If you are feeling like you're acting, but you still wish you were born a woman, then perhaps it's only the personality and expression that needs changing. You don't have to look like a guy to act and dress more masculinely, after all...
If I have missed the point by a million miles, I'm sorry. I really should get something to eat... and maybe get to bed. :P