I think I may do it for real this time

[VannaSiamese]

Detransition that is.
I know, if you go back over the last year this is the 3rd or even 4th time I've brought this up...  which is sorta proof to me that this is not going away.  I've been off hormones for 6 or 7 weeks now and I feel fantastic, but still confused about what I want to be.  About a week ago I decided hmm I should get on hormones again (because I noticed I was starting to get more boyish), I took them for 4 days and became so depressed.  So, I stopped taking them, and I feel great again. 
I'm not going to go into great detail about why I feel like this, but I will make a few small points:
First, I'm completely delusional:
I thought that my ambivalence about transitioning was related to my body issues... particularly, my butt and my hips.  So, I recently had surgery to get a bigger butt and bigger hips.  It solved nothing... in fact, things are worse.  My body looks much more feminine, but I don't feel any different, or anymore comfortable.
Second, I feel like a fake and a phony:
I won't allow myself to develop intricate or intimate relationships with people, because I am fearful of them figuring me out.  I keep all my "friends" very distant from me, often making excuses why I don't want to spend time with them.  When I am with them I feel phony and ingenuine, as if I'm all some act.  This is particularly true around women.  I meet girls, we hang out, I never tell them I'm trans, and then I push them away once they start getting close.  Also, when I'm hanging around girls, I don't feel like I'm really one of them.
Third, I don't like who i've become:
I went from being a fun, outgoing boy with lots of friends and lots of things to do, to being a dull women with very few friends, no real developed relationships with anybody.  I spend a lot of time in my house, by myself.  I feel scared to leave the house because of my body issues, scared to meet people because of my trans issues, scared to set any long term goals because of my social issues.  As a guy, I had none of this... I was the guy that would talk to anybody, ask any girl out, set goals and achieved them, and had more friends than I knew what to do with.
Basically, I'm dissatisfied with the last 3 years of my life... I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life with planning surgeries, thinking the things that I'm gonna do when everything is complete, avoiding people until I have a vagina and so on.  I'm ready to live my life again... I'm ready to quit having surgeries, quit worrying about my body, have my friends back, have my family back, have a social life, not be scared to leave my house and have goals to look forward to. 
It seems every time I take a step forward, I take two steps backwards.  This is a perfect opportunity to go back to being male, I've been gone from work for 2 months and off hormones for 6 weeks. 

[Noelle]

It sounds like going back to who you were before wont be easy.

[VannaSiamese]

It sounds like going back to who you were before wont be easy.

Well, I don't want to go back to who I was... I want to go back to a mix between who I am now, and who I was.  The time that I was happiest and most comfortable was when I was about to begin transitioning... I basically wore my gender ambivalence on my sleeve.  I looked like a feminine boy, and I wore makeup, slim fitting cloths, had a really neat hair style and I just didn't care.  I basically looked like one of those androgynous rocker boys.  I miss that =)

[MacKenzie]

  Hi Vanna, I watched your videos on youtube and you look happy as a girl and yet there is a sadness about you. I don't know if this helps but coming from someone who has de-transitioned I can tell you that if indeed you truly are trans going back to your birth gender won't make you happy and must likely you will transition again or as some people call it "re-transition".

   I came out and started transition (the first time) at 16 and at 17 started HRT. At first things were great and I felt so alive but after a year into things slowly went down hill and I started doubting my decision to transition. To make matters worse all of my family and friends abandoned me and I lost my job and eventually was kicked out of my parents house which followed by me sleeping in my car for a few months in the winter. I decided to go back to living as a boy because I thought it would be easier and hoped that my family and friends would talk to me again.

   I didn't wanna de-transition but I did and surprisingly things got better, my family talked to me again and the depression I felt about my body (constanly comparing myself to bio women etc) went away at least for awhile. About 2 years later I slipped back into my gloomy emo self and started to distance myself from my friends and family, it was then I realized I made a mistake and longed for freedom from this male role. Even though I knew I made a mistake I couldn't bring myself to come out again making excuses like "i'm too old now" I was 22 and "I'll never be a bio female" etc.

  Wasn't until 24 that I decided to take the plunge again and I feel soooo much better, I don't have the feelings of doubt anymore like I did last time because I know first hand de-transitioning back to a guy didn't help me but actually made things worse. The pain one feels from de-transition is a pain that never goes away, knowing all the years I wasted as a boy kills me inside every day but I can't change the past only the future.

 
  Wow sorry didn't realize how much I typed but just thought you should hear from someone who has de-transitoned before you actually do it. Are you seeing a gender therapist because that would be wise if your feeling like this.

  Yeah I sorta had that androgynous rocker look going on when first came out too!              

[VannaSiamese]

Danielle, I see what your saying... but something has to change here.  I have been unhappy for the last year, and been contemplating detransitioning for the last year.  I don't see myself getting happy anytime soon unless I go back to being a feminine boy.  As a guy I still wore makeup and dressed feminine, but I had all my friends.

[MacKenzie]

Danielle, I see what your saying... but something has to change here.  I have been unhappy for the last year, and been contemplating detransitioning for the last year.  I don't see myself getting happy anytime soon unless I go back to being a feminine boy.  As a guy I still wore makeup and dressed feminine, but I had all my friends.

That's understandable, you might actually be happier living an androgynous life style rather then a completely feminine one. Talking with a gender therapist about this would be a good idea though before making any changes.

What ever you decided I wish the best & if you need someone to talk to you can pm anytime.

  xo

[VannaSiamese]

That's understandable, you might actually be happier living an androgynous life style rather then a completely feminine one. Talking with a gender therapist about this would be a good idea though before making any changes.

What ever you decided I wish the best & if you need someone to talk to you can pm anytime.

  xo

Thanks, that's really sweet =)  I think androgynous may be best for me.  We will see though, I am slowly testing the waters.  The thought that I could be feminine and androgynous, have my family and friends back and not have my body issues seems to good to be true... but that was once my life.  I use to not have these body issues that I have until I started transitioning =(  Same for my social issues

[sprouts]

You know, I can't imagine that you'd go so far to make all these changes without a considerable amount of thought.  My advice would be to put yourself out there; uncomfortable situations can build character.  You look gorgeous, and to be honest, you've been a bit of an inspiration for me.

Have you talked with a therapist about these issues?

[kim99962]

Vanna;  I wish only the best for whatever you decide to do, go back to being a guy or staying a woman you are the only one who knows what is best for you and makes you happy just make sure you are sure, nothing worst than regrets just go forward eyes wide open and good luck and I wish you many happy days in your future

[Torn1990]

Thanks, that's really sweet =)  I think androgynous may be best for me.  We will see though, I am slowly testing the waters.  The thought that I could be feminine and androgynous, have my family and friends back and not have my body issues seems to good to be true... but that was once my life.  I use to not have these body issues that I have until I started transitioning =(  Same for my social issues

You can do it! stay strong!! : )

[Rabbit]

I think your problem is coming from not how you look... but how you live.

You say you are open about yourself as a "boy", but when you are a "girl" you keep yourself from being open with those around you and letting them really accept YOU.

I can definitely tell you that feeling like you are hiding things from those around you can make you feel removed... it can make everything seem fake (even their friendship in you).

Why not simply try being open? Tell people you are trans... have them accept you fully (and there are PLENTY of people out there who will). If you present well, are nice to be around, are a good friend and person... you will attract plenty of real friends (and being trans won't be an issue).

Really, it sounds like your plan to be "androgynous" is going to pretty much be this. You are going to drop the entire "secret' and just live as you are... right?

I have seen your videos too, so... going back to "I'm a boy" seems like it would be tricky

[VannaSiamese]

I think your problem is coming from not how you look... but how you live.

You say you are open about yourself as a "boy", but when you are a "girl" you keep yourself from being open with those around you and letting them really accept YOU.

I can definitely tell you that feeling like you are hiding things from those around you can make you feel removed... it can make everything seem fake (even their friendship in you).

Why not simply try being open? Tell people you are trans... have them accept you fully (and there are PLENTY of people out there who will). If you present well, are nice to be around, are a good friend and person... you will attract plenty of real friends (and being trans won't be an issue).

Really, it sounds like your plan to be "androgynous" is going to pretty much be this. You are going to drop the entire "secret' and just live as you are... right?

I have seen your videos too, so... going back to "I'm a boy" seems like it would be tricky

Exactly, going to androgynous would basically me be saying, I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy.  I'd still wear most of the cloths I wear now, probably not any skirts or dresses (which I really don't like anyway), but with no pressure to be a woman, or a man.  As a guy I came to realize that I was very different... I mean, I was 5'8" 120 lbs and had a woman's face... but I was ok with that.  I got called miss and ma'am a lot back then and I was ok with that, I thought it was funny.  However, if I got called sir today I wouldn't be laughing, I'd probably be crying.  Mainly because I put so much time, effort and money into being female.  I don't like having these fears and restrictions, I just want to be happy, open and be myself. 
Even though I feel like a woman, the entire time I've been transitioning I've always thought in the back of my mind, I'm a boy.  I am a boy, I'm just a boy that looks, acts, lives, dresses and sounds like a woman. I don't feel like any amount of surgery will ever change that.
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have.  I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life.  Yet, I basically disown  my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed?  Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.
Basically, what it boils down to is this:  I want to be a woman.  However, I want to have been born a woman. 

Even my friends that do know I am trans... I don't feel comfortable around them.  I feel more comfortable, but I still feel like I am acting.  Also, you are right, going back to being male would not be easy for me... my size alone makes people think female. Although,  my body is a simple fix, I have absolutely no boobs and I am very lean and tone.  Honestly, I can walk around shirtless and nobody would think anything.  It's really just my face , but I've always had a woman's face.

[Rebekah with a K-A-H]

Exactly, going to androgynous would basically me be saying, I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy.  I'd still wear most of the cloths I wear now, probably not any skirts or dresses (which I really don't like anyway), but with no pressure to be a woman, or a man.  As a guy I came to realize that I was very different... I mean, I was 5'8" 120 lbs and had a woman's face... but I was ok with that.  I got called miss and ma'am a lot back then and I was ok with that, I thought it was funny.  However, if I got called sir today I wouldn't be laughing, I'd probably be crying.  Mainly because I put so much time, effort and money into being female.  I don't like having these fears and restrictions, I just want to be happy, open and be myself. 
Even though I feel like a woman, the entire time I've been transitioning I've always thought in the back of my mind, I'm a boy.  I am a boy, I'm just a boy that looks, acts, lives, dresses and sounds like a woman. I don't feel like any amount of surgery will ever change that.
In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have.  I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life.  Yet, I basically disown  my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed?  Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.

Yo.  I've been following what you've saying for a couple months now with interesting, mostly because I have had, at varying times, very similar feelings as you, and my background is really similar to yours.

Obviously I can't know exactly what's going through your head, but it resonates a lot with me when you say things like "I was born a healthy attractive white male in a prominent family in the US", because that was me.  "Why not just be happy with what I have..." was one of the things that made me wait as long as I did.  A straight white affluent American cis male?  That's like, the very top of the food chain.  Sometimes I was convinced that the only reason I was transitioning was not because I was trans, but because I felt like I had privilege guilt.  I dunno if that sounds right, and obviously I'm not suggesting that has to be the case for you, but I did struggle with the question "why are you throwing all of this away?"  I do think, though, that it's ultimately unhealthy to do this, especially when you start comparing your problems to others.  Comparative privileges and issues really aren't fair to yourself or to others, because there are always going to be people that are either more or less oppressed than you in different ways.

Basically, what it boils down to is this:  I want to be a woman.  However, I want to have been born a woman.

Even my friends that do know I am trans... I don't feel comfortable around them.  I feel more comfortable, but I still feel like I am acting.  Also, you are right, going back to being male would not be easy for me... my size alone makes people think female. Although,  my body is a simple fix, I have absolutely no boobs and I am very lean and tone.  Honestly, I can walk around shirtless and nobody would think anything.  It's really just my face , but I've always had a woman's face.

I think this is the case for a hell of a lot of people, and I'm no exception.  (I would like to say, though, that nobody is born a woman.  Everyone is born a baby, and ultimately the difference in upbringing is often painful, but I'm not sure that it has to make a difference on who we are as adults if we're allowed time to mature as ourselves, as whatever gender we feel is most comfortable.)  I'm not sure what to make of the sum totality of what you're saying, though.  I think there's something telling about the fact that you say that you want to be a woman, but on the other hand, I know that transition really isn't for everyone and that ultimately it's up to the individual to make that choice.

I did have a lot of anxieties about passing and about feeling different and feeling that I looked different from cis women when I first started my policy of nondisclosure, but after a while I realized I didn't have to be a stereotype.  I didn't have to wear makeup, I didn't have to wear any specific kind of clothing, and didn't have to do anything that was "expected" of me as a woman.  A lot of women probably see me as pretty different from most (though I guess for a dyke my behavior and manner of dress isn't too different from the norm), and it was really liberating to know that I didn't have to conform to everyone's idea of what a woman has to be or do.  I found that my body issues really faded when I started to behave however I wanted.

As you can see on the side, I describe my gender as "queer".  I think a big step for me came when I realized that my identity as queer was more important than my identity as a female and as a woman, and while the other two are also true, they don't constitute an identity on my part.

It's just something to think about.  Ultimately, being androgynous might be your answer, and I'm glad if that is the case, but androgyny doesn't preclude being a woman, either.

[Nurse With Wound]

In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have.  I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life.  Yet, I basically disown  my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed?  Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.

I just feel like I have to say this isn't a good way to look at your problems, everyone has problems, just because someone might be theoretically worse off than you in basis of their basic living needs doesn't make your problems any less valid, any less real or any less important.

It's something people tend to say to people with gender dysphoria in order to try an deter them from transition, like "Someone has it worse off than you so why can't you just be happy with what you have" and it doesn't make your pains go away at all.

[0451]

In a way I feel sorta appalled at myself... I should be happy with what I have.  I was born a healthy, attractive, white male into a prominent family, in America... it's like, what more could I ask for... it's the perfect recipe for success and a happy life.  Yet, I basically disown  my family, change my gender, surgically alter my face and body... it's like, why not just be happy with what I have, and quit being so self absorbed?  Considering there is a huge percentage of the worlds population that are living day to day, fighting over food scraps... they have real problems.

Not trying to tell you what to do here, but those people are going to be living on food scraps regardless of whether you transition or not.

[A]

I'm not going to go into the details or even the actual issue, since I'm tired and didn't follow your whole story, and I don't really feel like reading that wall of text.

I just have this little advice: You've been getting "on and off hormones" by yourself, ased on your feelings? I'm not even going into how harmful such an attitude is, but... Don't do such things on your own. Taking or not taking medications is not something you can be ambivalent about, and the decision to start or stop a drug has to be taken with a doctor.

Apart from that, detransitioning, which would pretty much mean having breast reduction, removal of your lower-body implants and maybe having to take T for the rest of your life, to spare your bones from osteoporosis, is a major decision. One you can't go back on at all. Plus, the very act of deciding to detransition, and then not to, back and forth, means you need help.

You NEED to see a therapist and sort this out.

[EmmaM]

My 2 cents:

Get ahold of your family and build that relationship back up.

Consider gender therapy and lgbt community involvement.

Embrace yourself, whether you be male, female, both, or other. It's alright.

[VannaSiamese]

I'm not going to go into the details or even the actual issue, since I'm tired and didn't follow your whole story, and I don't really feel like reading that wall of text.

I just have this little advice: You've been getting "on and off hormones" by yourself, ased on your feelings? I'm not even going into how harmful such an attitude is, but... Don't do such things on your own. Taking or not taking medications is not something you can be ambivalent about, and the decision to start or stop a drug has to be taken with a doctor.

Apart from that, detransitioning, which would pretty much mean having breast reduction, removal of your lower-body implants and maybe having to take T for the rest of your life, to spare your bones from osteoporosis, is a major decision. One you can't go back on at all. Plus, the very act of deciding to detransition, and then not to, back and forth, means you need help.

You NEED to see a therapist and sort this out.

You should have read the whole wall of text =)
I quit taking my hormones for my lower body surgery, so it was under the guidance of a doctor.  He told me when to get back on them, I did for maybe a week and then I got back off of them.  Other than that, I've never been completely off them. 
I have no breast to remove, I can go shirtless today and I am completely flat chested... honestly, nobody would think twice.  I spoke to my doctor and she says that since I am so young that my T would return to decent, if not normal levels, and that I could still probably have children.  I suspect my T is already returning to pretty decent levels because I am starting to grow little hairs on my chin.  I wouldn't need to get my butt implants removed... boys can have nice butts too =) 
I totally need to see a therapist though, you are right.  My therapist recently retired, so I need to do some research and find somebody.  Although, it'll be weeks before I can go see anyone, I still have a lot of recovery left to do from surgery.

I think this is the case for a hell of a lot of people, and I'm no exception.  (I would like to say, though, that nobody is born a woman.  Everyone is born a baby, and ultimately the difference in upbringing is often painful, but I'm not sure that it has to make a difference on who we are as adults if we're allowed time to mature as ourselves, as whatever gender we feel is most comfortable.)

I was born a boy... with a penis and XY chromosomes.  I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it... it's science.  I was born a boy, that felt like he should have been born and raised as a woman.

[Rabbit]

I'm a boy but I'm not a typical boy. 

This is how I feel also

I figure I'm just a boy who happens to have some feminine qualities (and runs on estrogen instead of testosterone... and loves it).

Instead of being like other guys who wish they were stronger... bigger... more "masculine" ... I wish I were the opposite.

How come guys can go through GREAT lengths to change their bodies to more masculine (working out, taking suppliments, even extra testosterone and creatine!) and no one thinks anything else of it....

But if we decide we want to do the same effort to look more feminine... something is wrong with us?

Sure, I have a lot in common with women ... but I don't think that makes me one. The entire "am I a girl or boy" is all an issue of semantics anyway. It really isn't important. I figure I'll just do what I like... and let people figure out the semantics on their own ((And they do, some of my friends think of me as female...and some think of me as male lol))

[EmmaM]

I was born a boy... with a penis and XY chromosomes.  I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it... it's science.  I was born a boy, that felt like he should have been born and raised as a woman.

Well, there's something

If your gender fluidity won't let you hold on to some something you can always PM one of us. (I'm a bit of an elusive bumble bee, but I do my best)