Am I the only one here who's not planning on "transitioning" at all? The only one planning on living as the "wrong" gender? Because it's very, very hard, and I feel very alone in that I have these feelings but have not changed myself and do not plan to.
This website (http://nonop.zxq.net/) has been comfort for me, but it's still hard. I just wondered if there were others like me, who could relate. That would mean a lot to me, for some reason.
"You must do what you think is right, of course."
--Obi-Wan Kenobi
Some of us transition "all the way"...others, for whatever reason, don't. We all make choices as to how far we want to go--or how far we
don't want to go.
They're all good choices for the person involved; we want the best for ourselves.
*hugs* for you.
Trixie,
You aren't the only person here who doesn't intend to transition. There's Non-op (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,315.0.html) board under Transsexual talk (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,28.0.html). It looks like there hasn't been much activity there recently, but if you were to a start a thread there that could help liven things up. And, you'd get a chance to communicate with others here in similar situations.
Hi Trixie
:icon_hug:
That's for you. Thanks for putting your heart out there for everyone to feel. I'm sure there are plenty here just like you, and as Connie Anne said, there's even a special place for you.
Irrespective of what happens, know that you are special and always loved here.
Hope you can find some kindred spirits here. In the meantime, keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Trixie,
there is nothing in this world I would like more than to fully transition into the beautiful girl I want the world to see :) However! due to the nature of the business I own which is SO male dominated as an industry it would be an economical disaster that I could not afford in this stage of my life...so, I at least have my internal piece of mind and can be the "real me" at home with my wonderful S.O. and hopefully can meet some like minded friends where I can outwardly express my girlish side in "3D"
the real key is how "you" feel inside, it can be very tough at times, trust me I know....best of luck sweetie!! :)
Thank you everyone. Your responses mean a lot to me. <3
Quote from: Connie Anne on April 02, 2012, 10:02:45 AM
Trixie,
You aren't the only person here who doesn't intend to transition. There's Non-op (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,315.0.html) board under Transsexual talk (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,28.0.html). It looks like there hasn't been much activity there recently, but if you were to a start a thread there that could help liven things up. And, you'd get a chance to communicate with others here in similar situations.
I always thought non-op meant not having surgery, but still having HRT.
Quote from: Michelle G on April 02, 2012, 11:48:12 AM
Trixie,
there is nothing in this world I would like more than to fully transition into the beautiful girl I want the world to see :) However! due to the nature of the business I own which is SO male dominated as an industry it would be an economical disaster that I could not afford in this stage of my life...so, I at least have my internal piece of mind and can be the "real me" at home with my wonderful S.O. and hopefully can meet some like minded friends where I can outwardly express my girlish side in "3D"
the real key is how "you" feel inside, it can be very tough at times, trust me I know....best of luck sweetie!! :)
I have some "internal peace of mind" as well. If I think that "I'm a woman, it doesn't matter what others think or how they perceive me", then I feel a bit better. I, of course, would like to be perceived as female, be pretty, be accepted as a girl, but that's not in the cards for me and I have to deal with that in my own ways. I do have my ways. Sometimes I'm bothered by it, other times I'm okay.
I transitioned everywhere but in my head.
The bigger one.
"Non-op" can mean various things to various persons.
For some, it is forgoing surgery but undergoing HRT. For others, it might be forgoing both and using other means (clothing, haristyling, makeup) to express themselves. And, there are those who forgo anything to do with transition and seek to address their dysphoria in other ways.
Quote from: Connie Anne on April 02, 2012, 09:19:42 PM
"Non-op" can mean various things to various persons.
For some, it is forgoing surgery but undergoing HRT. For others, it might be forgoing both and using other means (clothing, haristyling, makeup) to express themselves. And, there are those who forgo anything to do with transition and seek to address their dysphoria in other ways.
Does that apply to drag queen transgender performers too or ones who have a gay male connections? Me thinks not.
I have a good friend who decided that instead of changing his body, he would change society instead and is now a well regarded Trans activist, counsellor and role model.
Whatever you need to do is okay with me.
Karen.
I'll admit, I get jealous of transitioning/transitioned trans people, especially those with supportive families. I hope I'll return to being okay soon. I usually do. Right now I'm feeling bad about my gender troubles though.
Quote from: Trixie on April 02, 2012, 07:53:42 AM
The only one planning on living as the "wrong" gender? Because it's very, very hard, and I feel very alone in that I have these feelings but have not changed myself and do not plan to.
I am not sure what your "very very hard" is referring to.
I never had plans to transition and still don't. I tried twice before in my early 20's and decided to run with "normal". While continuing to fake being a guy was going to be very hard, it still seemed a world easier than the alternative of transitioning. It worked out pretty good for 30+ years. The past 2-3 years have been extremely difficult generally speaking in my life. I have reexamined a great deal of mine and all the past mistakes. "Stuffing" might not have been the best way to get by.
I stopped the stuffing, found a fantastic TG group and got more in touch with my true self. As she gets out more and more in the real world, taking off the nail polish Sunday nights gets ever more difficult each passing week. A wife and career has always been the big reality check for me. The alternate reality checks I've been living also tell me what may be possible. Just those minor details of loosing a job and possibly a wife bring me back.
Non-transitioning is still the plan. It is becoming more and more difficult to to view that as an
absolute it used to be.
I don't have any plans on transitioning. This is partially because I am able to deal with my dysphoria in other ways (writing, dressing the way I want to, etc.) and partially because I really want to teach soon and starting HRT will hamper that. My urge to teach overwhelms my urge to transition in any way and I'm scared transitioning is going to prevent me from being able to teach.
Quote from: JoanneB on April 03, 2012, 08:46:25 PM
I am not sure what your "very very hard" is referring to.
I never had plans to transition and still don't. I tried twice before in my early 20's and decided to run with "normal". While continuing to fake being a guy was going to be very hard, it still seemed a world easier than the alternative of transitioning. It worked out pretty good for 30+ years. The past 2-3 years have been extremely difficult generally speaking in my life. I have reexamined a great deal of mine and all the past mistakes. "Stuffing" might not have been the best way to get by.
I stopped the stuffing, found a fantastic TG group and got more in touch with my true self. As she gets out more and more in the real world, taking off the nail polish Sunday nights gets ever more difficult each passing week. A wife and career has always been the big reality check for me. The alternate reality checks I've been living also tell me what may be possible. Just those minor details of loosing a job and possibly a wife bring me back.
Non-transitioning is still the plan. It is becoming more and more difficult to to view that as an absolute it used to be.
If your avatar is you, I'm confused... you look female to me.
If by not transitioning, you mean you didn't have surgery or HRT, then I guess I understand, but when I say I'm not going to transition, I mean that I will live as a guy. No cross-dressing, no asking people to call me "she", no nothing. Just a dude...
Quote from: Lynn Gabriel on April 03, 2012, 08:55:49 PM
I don't have any plans on transitioning. This is partially because I am able to deal with my dysphoria in other ways (writing, dressing the way I want to, etc.) and partially because I really want to teach soon and starting HRT will hamper that. My urge to teach overwhelms my urge to transition in any way and I'm scared transitioning is going to prevent me from being able to teach.
My fear and the inevitable consequences of coming out, transitioning etc. are what keeps me it. Especially social consequences, rejection, hate etc.
Not all transitions result in rejection. True, I am divorced and it's because I'm trans and my ex-wife is extremely straight. But, she doesn't hate me.
So far, I've had a remarkably easy transition. I'll not say that it's been static-free. But most of the unpleasantness has been fleeting.
But, that's only my experience.
San Mateo isn't as liberal as San Francisco can be, but it's still in the SF Bay Area. Are you in an area where being out could be less than safe? Do you have friends and family who aren't trans-friendly? What leads you to feel that you would face rejection and hate? Are there specific people?
While I do live in a liberal area, I know my family would not be accepting. I don't want to lose them.
Quote from: Trixie on April 02, 2012, 07:53:42 AM
Am I the only one here who's not planning on "transitioning" at all? The only one planning on living as the "wrong" gender? Because it's very, very hard, and I feel very alone in that I have these feelings but have not changed myself and do not plan to.
This website (http://nonop.zxq.net/) has been comfort for me, but it's still hard. I just wondered if there were others like me, who could relate. That would mean a lot to me, for some reason.
I'm one of the few who do not plan on transitioning at all- and not for any reason other than the fact that I just don't care enough. I feel that maybe I was "supposed to have been" born a boy- but I was born a girl, felt like a boy and had the gender dysphoria and everything throughout my entire childhood, as a teenager I realized I look attractive as a girl because of the facial features I was born with and my petite body type, so then I started being girly which was fun cause I was pretty, then after my teen years I stopped caring so much about looks and now at 27 I just act however I want without ever considering genders and wear whatever I find on the floor when I wake up each afternoon.
I'm also a strange person and I do things differently than everyone else in basically every aspect of my life (not intentionally) so having my inside not really match my outside is just another part of who I am. Hope this helps :)
Insideontheoutside isn't transitioning. He posts in ftm forums mostly but you could try looking him up.
Quote from: Trixie on April 03, 2012, 09:59:08 PM
If by not transitioning, you mean you didn't have surgery or HRT, then I guess I understand, but when I say I'm not going to transition, I mean that I will live as a guy. No cross-dressing, no asking people to call me "she", no nothing. Just a dude...
My fear and the inevitable consequences of coming out, transitioning etc. are what keeps me it. Especially social consequences, rejection, hate etc.
I relinquish my crown as Queen of Self Denial and First Lady of Delayed Gratification to you.
Without the occasional cross-dressing I allowed myself all my life, I don't know how I might have gotten by. No matter how hard I wanted to be "Normal", especially in the aftermath of my life turning to crap as a result of me being trans, I not once did a purge. The closest ever is just packing stuff away which lasted only a few months.
I cannot imagine anything harder than "Just a dude"
Reading your posts and seeing the different levels dysphoria that exist gave me an epiphony of sorts. I had never thought to break gender into its two parts and then consider each on its own. Doing so allows me to relate each to my always comforting bell shaped curve. I wonder, if the parts of gender could be quantified, it would be possible to derermine how much opposition an average person could tolerate? As much as giving numerical gender ratings for body and soul is impossible, the perspective works for my concrete thinking brain. Is it reasonable to ignore physical gender and then think of mental gender like a scale with very feminine on one end, and very masculine on the other? Or is this an over simplification that doesn't work in the real world?
Quote from: JoanneB on April 04, 2012, 06:04:05 AM
I relinquish my crown as Queen of Self Denial and First Lady of Delayed Gratification to you.
Without the occasional cross-dressing I allowed myself all my life, I don't know how I might have gotten by. No matter how hard I wanted to be "Normal", especially in the aftermath of my life turning to crap as a result of me being trans, I not once did a purge. The closest ever is just packing stuff away which lasted only a few months.
I cannot imagine anything harder than "Just a dude"
Well... that's not very encouraging. :embarrassed: It's really hard for me too. I can't do it though. Cross dressing would result in exactly the same problems that coming out and transitioning would. If I were to do it, I'd want to go all the way. I'm not doing it because I will not be able to handle rejection by family and society, and being an outcast. Maybe that doesn't happen for others, but it would happen to me.
Quote from: Johnv on April 04, 2012, 08:37:07 AM
Reading your posts and seeing the different levels dysphoria that exist gave me an epiphony of sorts. I had never thought to break gender into its two parts and then consider each on its own. Doing so allows me to relate each to my always comforting bell shaped curve. I wonder, if the parts of gender could be quantified, it would be possible to derermine how much opposition an average person could tolerate? As much as giving numerical gender ratings for body and soul is impossible, the perspective works for my concrete thinking brain. Is it reasonable to ignore physical gender and then think of mental gender like a scale with very feminine on one end, and very masculine on the other? Or is this an over simplification that doesn't work in the real world?
I don't know... it bothers to ever think of myself as being less female than others, though I guess I am...
Trixie,
Family stuff is not easy. I wish I had some guidance to offer on that score, but I don't. What I did was to tell my family I was transitioning and that I had picked out a new first and middle name. I stopped there to see their reactions. If they had rejected me, I would have chosen a new last name, too.
As to whether or not you are less than female, I'll say this: you are how you identify. It could be argued, for instance, that I am not female as I've not yet had any surgeries. At present, I identify as a male-bodied woman. That's what works for me at this time. Prior to pursuing transition, I pretty much kept things to myself and identified as androgyne or a non-binary gender variant or genderqueer person. Did that mean I was less than male or less than female? I don't know, as I identified as something that was both and neither. In the long run, that didn't work for me, and these days I'm a somewhat genderqueer MTF.
Quote from: Johnv on April 04, 2012, 08:37:07 AM
Is it reasonable to ignore physical gender and then think of mental gender like a scale with very feminine on one end, and very masculine on the other? Or is this an over simplification that doesn't work in the real world?
I don't think this is an oversimplification. I think you'll find that there are others here at Susans, primarily in the Androgyne boards I think, who will also assert that gender is much broader than one or the other.
Last summer, my daughter and I attended a workshop on Raising Gender Variant Children that was hosted at my church and presented by a group called Gender Spectrum (http://"http://www.genderspectrum.org/"). My daughter and I found the presentation fascinating, as it was something we could both relate to. True, at that point I thought of myself as MTF, but I've kept a certain amount of queerness to my gender. My daughter identifies as a cisgender genderqueer woman.
Cross-dressing or other techniques to ease the dysphoria can be a very private experience. For 30+ years I needed the occasional, perhaps once a month, "escape". To see myself as I felt I should have been. To spend a few hours behind closed doors with blackout curtains on the windows for the neighbors prying eyes, was sort of good enough. At first my wife would spend the day shopping. Over time she started hanging around the house instead.
I cannot see how total self-denial is better than a little self indulgence. The dysphoria will always be there. It never goes away. You can distract and deny yourself, self medicate with drugs or alcohol, or any number of other things to not dwell on it. Yet, when your head hits the pillow at night, it will be there to say good-night. Eventually the pain of having to deny a significant portion of your being will eat away at you. You can wind up eventually living a joyless life, as I had. Worse, angry; as I saw first hand during Senate testimony for Maryland's TG rights bill last month from a few "Cured" individuals that spoke in opposition.
The "All in or all out" Black & White thinking prevents one from seeing all the colors of a solution around them. I had major bout with that mindset a month or so ago when I realized that the reason I had a major "WTF am I doing?" meltdown, was in response to feeling with absolute certainty that I can pass and get by in the real world. Oh Crap! No excuse not to go full-time and the works, right? No more life long excuse of "I'll never pass. I'll just be laughed at and ridiculed". Easy solution, back to total denial of my fem self, followed by a host of other bad self-destructive behaviors.
Three months of crap because of Black & White thinking. Up until then I was joyous being able to be me the few days I could each week. Why change anything? I don't Need to transition. Transition or suicide are not the only viable options for me. I've been doing fine. As a matter of fact, transition would take away the top two things in my life that give it meaning, my wife and my work.