Feeling really lost and at the end of my rope... been trying to get on top of this stuff for a long time now, and I'm still at step 0. With it all always on my mind I just always feel so down, distracted, and too tired to do anything to fix it. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, but I don't know what else to try anymore besides just going away for good.
Too tired and expecting too little to rewrite from scratch, so... my story, and my first try to sort things out, and get help:
Lauras Playground
There is some initial friendly "hi"'s that quickly dry out, and never really address anything, or help, and if you look at the dates on posts it gets really pathetic as I'm still crying out for months and not getting anything but generic "Welcome, we're so great here" replies.
My second go, some recap, but trying with a new (larger?) audience, and trying to focus more on individual things I could really use help with, obviously, doesn't go so well either...
Posted on ->-bleeped-<-
Off the top of my head, I think replies were "drug yourself" and "go deeper in debt with the dim hope you can do something you hate for a typically sexist group and return to thinking about this stuff in like 5+ years". Not really what I was looking for. And really seems like no one is reading a friggin thing I say anymore at this point.
So, insane as I am, I try again, as specifically as I can, trying to ignore my mind constantly screaming and interrupting because of my GID, and focus just on getting the money and independence to go forward:
Then I tried again on ->-bleeped-<- focusing on the job issue.
Down-voted a bunch, and 1 reply that again ignores everything I say, and all my frustrations.
Around the time I tried the third time, my last friend (an internet friend whom I hadn't met in person) found out I was trans, and that was that. Went from emailing each other many times a day to once a couple of days, to nothing in almost 2 weeks now, so my last friendship looks like the Ed209 scene from Robocop.
So, it's insanely unlikely anyone has read this far, or that it'll actually help, but it was try again or go for a fog walk on the highway at midnight, so here I am...
Hi Stuck
You made a good decision coming here. We are a community that supports those with questions about gender.
For new members, please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Don't be shy to join and ask questions.
(And, yes, I read the entire post!) :)
Stuck, sorry it took me so long to reply, but I am not the fastest reader and your other three posts were quite long. I hope I processed it all properly. Anyway, I know you have heard it elsewhere, but I still want to say it...welcome. I am pretty new to Susan's Place myself. I have found it wonderful. As you, I tried other places with no luck. I even tried the same place as your first post...dead end. But here, I have been welcomed with open arms. No one has dismissed me, or anything I have said. Every question I have posted has had many, many responses. When I first posted here I thought it would be just like the other places, and I would soon just fade away. I was wrong, and I hope you have the same experience.
When I first started here, I started a strand with my most pressing issue. That might be a good place to go from here. You addressed several concerns in your other posts, so I don't know where to start trying to support you. I say support because I may not be able to help, but I will do my best.
Every one here is different, and yet the same. We all have issues we need help on. So please, share them with us so we can try and help. I look forward to reading your posts, and commend you for giving it another try.
Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me! I read your post, but not the links. I spend my time here, not at the other TG sites. You said some things that suggested you may be considering suicide. I urge you to call one of the Hotlines listed here on the site. We all care about you, and there is always someone here to talk to. Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Stuck, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 7095 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
Transition is easy. One step at a time, at YOUR own speed. This is not a race. It is your life.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2F3%2F32%2FPentacle_1.svg&hash=99e763d33bc5c4d79014cb34bf6acb3dfec8befb)
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 31, 2012, 09:15:53 PM
Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me! ... Hugs, Devlyn
It's true.
Quote from: Brooke777 on May 31, 2012, 09:04:16 PM
When I first started here, I started a strand with my most pressing issue. That might be a good place to go from here. You addressed several concerns in your other posts, so I don't know where to start trying to support you. I say support because I may not be able to help, but I will do my best.
Every one here is different, and yet the same. We all have issues we need help on. So please, share them with us so we can try and help. I look forward to reading your posts, and commend you for giving it another try.
Already did...
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on May 31, 2012, 09:45:44 PM
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
Already did...
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on May 31, 2012, 09:45:44 PMTransition is easy. One step at a time, at YOUR own speed. This is not a race. It is your life.
And its a **** life. My own speed was "ages ago" and despite all that, I'm absolutely no closer to it, or anything.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 31, 2012, 09:15:53 PM
Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me!
It's dun changed.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 31, 2012, 09:15:53 PMYou said some things that suggested you may be considering suicide. I urge you to call one of the Hotlines listed here on the site. We all care about you, and there is always someone here to talk to.
Nothing platitudes I've heard before are going to change. Nothing else I can do, and I'm just sick of having nothing and no one and living in a world as messed up as this.
Im sorry, but I cant find any other threads you posted on here at Susan's. If you could direct me to them that might help me.
The "other" threads are not here at Susans.
Ah, the links were removed... oh well I guess
Try opening a discusion with your question. You will probably get more help than here in introductions. I personally really want to help, but there are a lot of people here far more intelligent, and experienced. Please, dont give up hope. Keep pushing forward.
Too tired to go through all this again, dunno what else to say that I havent said many times over already, or where better to say than I already have, all yields nothing.
Stuck, I just read all your posts. You haven't asked us a single thing. You've lamented that other websites weren't satisfactory to you. I'll bet you a dollar this one will be to your liking. But you have to ask us a question first, and I won't go to another site to read it. Post here, get your answers here. Hugs, Devlyn edit: learned how to spell 'all'
Stuck, let's break this cycle you're in. Let's not rehash the bad experiences you have had elsewhere, and start new.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 01, 2012, 08:15:16 PM
Stuck, I just read ll your posts. You haven't asked us a single thing.
Because they, and everything relevant to them (my story, concerns, difficulties/situation, etc) were removed... admittedly I started at like 10x frustration now than then, but its not gotten any better...
We have rules about posting links located in the Announcements section. Tell us your one biggest concern and let us help you. Hugs, Devlyn
I have no hope or reason to think that'll change, because I'm pretty useless. No chance to transition, no progress toward it in... ever. Were I gone, things at work might be a bit busy for a few days before I was replaced, and family might be annoyed having to arrange stuff, but after they'd be better off, and wouldn't really notice any change. I feel nothing, dead inside, there is no me. If by some miracle someone got tricked into hiring me into a position that'd pay more than squat, that I might be able to transition off of, the likelihood that I'd be able to perform that job when I can't focus enough for 30s to make a half way decent resume or cover letter or even look at job apps is pretty dismal, and that's before considering it'd still be years before I could go forward with anything and most my life would be a complete waste of time.
And apparently the verification question, "Are you human?" either takes itself seriously enough that it thinks a bot would answer "No" or it thinks a fleshy bag of mostly water is all it takes to be a person.
You are a person. You do have people that care for you. We care about you, and want you to stay around. Please, don't hurt yourself. Please seek help now! Call a suicide hotline. Reach out to someone you trust, or just anyone. Just please...please, don't hurt yourself.
Yes, Stuck, if these feelings overwhelm you, call one of the Hotlines. Dwelling on hurdles can make them seem insurmountable. You will find strength inside yourself to reach your goals. One step at a time is the only way to get there. Hugs, Devlyn
I don't see what that'd do, I'd still be in the exact same place. Like always.
They're not insurmountable hurdles. I'm just pathetic and can't do what normally people do quickly and easily.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 02, 2012, 03:35:16 PMReach out to someone you trust
That'd be... no one.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 02, 2012, 03:35:16 PMor just anyone.
Done ages ago. Family, "friends", friends of family, school, internet, internet, internet.
Even if something were to finally come together, it wouldn't be because of me, and how could I possibly continue it when I couldn't even start it? No way I'd be able to transition even if I could afford it, or wasn't here
Its funny I got so much crap from my "friend" about not telling him I was trans, yet I feel like I'm lying much worse whenever someone at works asks "how's it going?" or some variation, and I say "fine" or some variation
EDIT: And I can't for the life of me figure out how to reply to a PM
You will need 15 posts and then things will open up.
Sorry Stuck. I forgot that you need 15 posts. You are up to 8, so just post a few more times.
Quote from: Stuck on June 02, 2012, 02:43:20 PM
I have no hope or reason to think that'll change, because I'm pretty useless. No chance to transition, no progress toward it in... ever. Were I gone, things at work might be a bit busy for a few days before I was replaced, and family might be annoyed having to arrange stuff, but after they'd be better off, and wouldn't really notice any change. I feel nothing, dead inside, there is no me. If by some miracle someone got tricked into hiring me into a position that'd pay more than squat, that I might be able to transition off of, the likelihood that I'd be able to perform that job when I can't focus enough for 30s to make a half way decent resume or cover letter or even look at job apps is pretty dismal, and that's before considering it'd still be years before I could go forward with anything and most my life would be a complete waste of time.
And apparently the verification question, "Are you human?" either takes itself seriously enough that it thinks a bot would answer "No" or it thinks a fleshy bag of mostly water is all it takes to be a person.
Stuck, everybody has value. You, me, everybody.
I know the pain you are in. I've been there. You are
not useless. You are
not unloved by your family. You are
not in a hopeless situation.
When I'm in a rut, I try to focus on one thing. Just one thing. Just one task, one accomplishment.
I want you to consider talking to someone about your despair. That's one step you can take.
Quote from: Stuck on June 02, 2012, 04:36:03 PM
Its funny I got so much crap from my "friend" about not telling him I was trans, yet I feel like I'm lying much worse whenever someone at works asks "how's it going?" or some variation, and I say "fine" or some variation
EDIT: And I can't for the life of me figure out how to reply to a PM
Keep posting, my friend, and we'll get you to 15.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 02, 2012, 04:47:54 PM
Stuck, everybody has value. You, me, everybody.
Value doesn't exist without a valuer...
Quote from: Jamie D on June 02, 2012, 04:47:54 PMWhen I'm in a rut, I try to focus on one thing. Just one thing. Just one task, one accomplishment.
I want you to consider talking to someone about your despair. That's one step you can take.
I've tried, and I haven't gotten together squat, just completely clueless and hopeless. Whats so simple for everyone else I just spin on
"Apparently" is also not an acceptable response to the verification question "Are you human?" it turns out
You are up to 9 posts. Keep going.
Some things are harder for others. Don't get discouraged. I have a hard time with some things that others think are easy to do.
Quote from: Stuck on June 02, 2012, 04:59:07 PM
Value doesn't exist without a valuer...I've tried, and I haven't gotten together squat, just completely clueless and hopeless. Whats so simple for everyone else I just spin on
"Apparently" is also not an acceptable response to the verification question "Are you human?" it turns out
I value you. I don't really know that much about you, how you identify, what your background is, where you live, or went to school. But I still value you. You might become my next friend here. Before I came here, I was completely isolated from any other TG/TS.
You are sentient. You have feelings. You can hurt and you
can be happy. That makes you 100% fully human.
Tell me about a time you were happy.
I think that shouldn't be as hard to do as it is
Do you like ice cream, stuck? Hugs, Devlyn
Do you like animals? If so, which ones?
Quote from: Stuck on June 02, 2012, 07:58:41 PM
I think that shouldn't be as hard to do as it is
Stuck, are you telling me that you've never had a happy day in your life? Or a happy moment?
If that's the case, you are easily the strongest, most durable person I've ever met.
That tells me something about your ability to cope. If you can cope, you can overcome your difficulties, and move forward - if you have the will to do so.
Hi Stuck,
I'm Kristen. Welcome.
I'm not going to insult you, or tell you I know how you feel. I heard something yesterday that's been resonating with me, and I think it's applicable here: "When you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person."
So while your story and life experiences have been your own, what I can say is that I've noticed some similarities in what you've written here, and some of my own experiences in life.
A part of me can't believe I'm writing a reply here, since I still get these feelings and at times feel things similar to what you seem to be feeling. Another part of me feels that that's the reason I am writing here.
I don't know if I can offer you any advice that's pertinent to your situation. What I can share is a viewpoint that I try to fall back on when I feel worthless...small...like a pariah...you get the idea... I try to grasp the fact that we live in a world where there are almost 8 billion others. I'm not the best of them, but I know I'm not the worst. I also know that there are those within that 8 billion that can see beyond what the masses seem to brush off or allow themselves to fall victim to their own short attention spans or selfishness.
I've been going through ish lately. Home. Work. Public life. Life is great right? It may not seem so, but when it is, it's something to savor, which I have no doubt you will do when it comes your way. It may be difficult or impossible to see, but it will come your way. You don't know me, so I won't ask you to trust me. Read over what I've wrote, analyze it, and trust your own judgement. You know it will come your way. I know you do. :)
You probably won't believe it, though I hope you do, but Jamie D is spot on when referring to your strength and ability to cope. If Jamie D and the other respondents here can recognize that, there. are. others. that will too. We're obviously glad you made and carried out the conscious decision to come here. One thing I CAN say about you, is that you still have hope. Your OP shows that. So, with that being said, it seems to me that you are a "valuer," as you said in your post above, right?
For me, I think of myself as a big catcher's mitt...I used to catch all the hate people threw at me...and I held onto it. I let it corrode me from the inside out. I still do, but well, the mitt is shrinking day by day...and...I'm learning to duck! LOL
Again, I cannot tell you what applies in your case, but based on the similar feelings and situations I've felt in the past, I think knowing that you have a friend that actually gives a ish is gonna be great. Whether you like it or not, you've got some now!!!!! So there!
Now get your post count up will ya?
(((HUGS)))
~ K
Definition of insanity? Short and easy to read?
"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Einstein said so, and I agree.
Are you doing the same thing over and over?
Going over these posts it sure looks that way to me.
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO UN-STUCK YOU BUT YOURSELF.
Note: If one can not help oneself (is unwilling to) - one can not be helped...
Notes from my blue chair,
Axélle
Good morning Stuck. You are up to 10 posts. 5 more and you can answer my PM. I look forward to hearing from you.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 02, 2012, 10:34:48 PM
Stuck, are you telling me that you've never had a happy day in your life? Or a happy moment?
If that's the case, you are easily the strongest, most durable person I've ever met.
That tells me something about your ability to cope.
Not sure I follow the connection here...
Quote from: Jamie D on June 02, 2012, 10:34:48 PMIf you can cope, you can overcome your difficulties, and move forward - if you have the will to do so.
I don't want to just endure anymore... but I don't have the will or know-how to move forward.
Quote from: Axélle on June 03, 2012, 01:28:50 AMAre you doing the same thing over and over?
Yes, its "nothing".
Quote from: Axélle on June 03, 2012, 01:28:50 AM
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO UN-STUCK YOU BUT YOURSELF.
Note: If one can not help oneself (is unwilling to) - one can not be helped...
Hence why things look so dim... And even if I were to unstuck myself, what are the odds that I could get through something much more complicated when I can't do simple stuff like this
Quote from: JadeRose on June 02, 2012, 11:28:38 PM"When you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person."
Sure, just like any person, you've met one, you've met one, everyone's different and people are too quick to generalize based on their own categorizations.
Quote from: JadeRose on June 02, 2012, 11:28:38 PM
I've been going through ish lately. Home. Work. Public life. Life is great right? It may not seem so, but when it is, it's something to savor, which I have no doubt you will do when it comes your way. It may be difficult or impossible to see, but it will come your way. You don't know me, so I won't ask you to trust me. Read over what I've wrote, analyze it, and trust your own judgement. You know it will come your way. I know you do. :)
My internal voice whenever I hear the "It gets better" campaign ranges between "That's sweet, but no, it doesn't" and "If only..."
Quote from: JadeRose on June 02, 2012, 11:28:38 PMYou probably won't believe it, though I hope you do, but Jamie D is spot on when referring to your strength and ability to cope. If Jamie D and the other respondents here can recognize that, there. are. others. that will too. We're obviously glad you made and carried out the conscious decision to come here. One thing I CAN say about you, is that you still have hope. Your OP shows that. So, with that being said, it seems to me that you are a "valuer," as you said in your post above, right?
I meant parallel to "Baseball card X is worth 5 bajillion dollars!" "No, it's only worth that if Person Y is willing to pay it", to blindly say I have value independent of someone valuing me isn't something I understand. As to coping, I don't want to just cope, to just be. I want something to finally go my way. I've gotten so used to never getting anything I want, I don't even know what I want anymore, let alone how to get it. I really don't think its going to happen or it can happen.
Quote from: JadeRose on June 02, 2012, 11:28:38 PMFor me, I think of myself as a big catcher's mitt...I used to catch all the hate people threw at me...and I held onto it. I let it corrode me from the inside out. I still do, but well, the mitt is shrinking day by day...and...I'm learning to duck! LOL
I like that analogy; I feel like (or felt like, when I had "friends") poison to everyone around me and it colors everything I see and feel, I know it, but I can't get away from it, its a snowball rolling down an infinite hill... I know even if I were able to afford transition, and if it went smoothly at all, if anything worked, that I'd still feel like that, and still see that in every interaction. Which also feels like a guarantee I wouldn't be able to transition...
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 02, 2012, 08:09:39 PM
Do you like ice cream, stuck? Hugs, Devlyn
I guess, but I can't afford it and can't really care about it now
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 02, 2012, 09:27:08 PM
Do you like animals? If so, which ones?
In what sense? Had a dog growing up, no pets now. Don't think I could have another. I can't take care of myself let alone another. But, brown bears are pretty cool, youtube "Brutus the bear"
I am glad to hear from you. I too like bears. They have a huge range of emotions. Animals can be very helpful. Have you thought about going to the local animal shelter to just play with them? I used to love doing that.
Stuck, you're back! That makes me happy. :)
I want to accomplish just one positive thing with you today. I want you to think of a new screen- name, so I can change it.
One of the member told me that "Stuck" was a self-defeating screen name. I don't think you are stuck. I don't think you can't improve your situation, one little step at a time.
So I was thinking of alternatives:
The antonyms to "stuck" are "free" and "freed." Those are pretty good.
Then there is "loose," but I don't think the connotation is just right. ::)
"Hope," or some derivation is good too.
Then, you could also focus on your transition, at the very least, your mental and emotional transition. (I don't know which way you are going MtF or FtM, or something in between) But emphasizing your new outlook could work.
I know you can get out of your rut. A lot of us have been "Stuck" too. You are not alone.
Back up to your comment, above. My connotation was, as bad as you feel, you must be pretty strong to bear up under the weight of those feelings. A lesser person might have crumbled. You have persevered. That tells me something about you that you haven't stated.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 03, 2012, 03:01:08 PM
I am glad to hear from you. I too like bears. They have a huge range of emotions. Animals can be very helpful. Have you thought about going to the local animal shelter to just play with them? I used to love doing that.
No, I haven't, I don't think that's something I'd do, especially with everything else.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 03:57:21 PM
Stuck, you're back! That makes me happy. :)
I work most weekends, so I hadn't left, I was just early to bed and late home
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 03:57:21 PMI want to accomplish just one positive thing with you today. I want you to think of a new screen- name, so I can change it.
One of the member told me that "Stuck" was a self-defeating screen name. I don't think you are stuck. I don't think you can't improve your situation, one little step at a time.
So I was thinking of alternatives:
The antonyms to "stuck" are "free" and "freed." Those are pretty good.
That's some kind of depressing deja vu from those suggestions, as its reminiscent of a previous screenname, but it really doesn't fit and I don't want to go back there for a lot of reasons. As far as one step at a time, I don't seem to be able to walk...
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 03:57:21 PMThen there is "loose," but I don't think the connotation is just right. ::)
Some mixed feelings on that one >.>
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 03:57:21 PMThen, you could also focus on your transition, at the very least, your mental and emotional transition. (I don't know which way you are going MtF or FtM, or something in between) But emphasizing your new outlook could work.
Which is why I wish everything I wrote in the links hadn't been deleted. I thought just the series of them together explained so much more than I could try to put to words
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 03:57:21 PMBack up to your comment, above. My connotation was, as bad as you feel, you must be pretty strong to bear up under the weight of those feelings. A lesser person might have crumbled. You have persevered.
No, I haven't, and thats so much of the problem. And I know it's the problem, and if I can't get it together enough to do the simple starter steps, there's no way I can do the later complicated and important steps.
Well, you have a job. That is allot better than quite a few people in this economy. Since you can't walk, why not crawl. You have already started to sit up by talking to us. Lets take the next movement together. Please, tell us one thing that even slightly makes you happy. Even if it is only for a split second. There has to be something.
Do you remember the film, "Little Big Man"?
There is a character in the movie, the aged chief, who one day decides his time has comes, and states, "It is a good day to die."
He then proceeds to lay down on some buffalo skins to pass away. Sometime later he awakens and asks if he is dead. The people surrounding him say no.
The chief responds, "Some times the magic works; sometimes it doesn't," and gets up to carry on.
Stuck, you need to carry on.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 03, 2012, 04:26:00 PM
Well, you have a job. That is allot better than quite a few people in this economy. Since you can't walk, why not crawl. You have already started to sit up by talking to us. Lets take the next movement together. Please, tell us one thing that even slightly makes you happy. Even if it is only for a split second. There has to be something.
I don't know that there is, really. My assumption is that getting a real job, making enough to move out, and transition would
Stuck, you are close to the 15-post threshold, after which you can use the personal messaging utility.
When that happens, could you please send me copies of your links again, so I can review them?
Now, what about your new screen name, to go with a new attitude?
How does "Footloose" sound? You sort of liked "Loose." Do you like to dance??
Quote from: Stuck on June 03, 2012, 05:38:04 PM
I don't know that there is, really. My assumption is that getting a real job, making enough to move out, and transition would
Those are good goals. But, lets start small. Do you like jokes? What kind of sense of humor do you have? I like comedy that plays on real life. Others like slap-stick comedy. What about cute pictures? It makes me smile to see pictures of cute baby animals. Think small. It is the little things that we as people take for granted.
Super tired since I did the morning shifts this weekend, and I don't generally do that, so hoping to stay coherent, but brief
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 07:39:36 PM
Stuck, you are close to the 15-post threshold, after which you can use the personal messaging utility.
When that happens, could you please send me copies of your links again, so I can review them?
Now, what about your new screen name, to go with a new attitude?
How does "Footloose" sound? You sort of liked "Loose." Do you like to dance??
"I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk. I can't dance, I can't talk, I'm just standing here selling everything..." Too true. I've never seen Footloose and it's a clever idea, but I'd rather figure out how to get things going than things like screen-names and stuff :/
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 03, 2012, 07:46:04 PM
Those are good goals. But, lets start small. Do you like jokes? What kind of sense of humor do you have? I like comedy that plays on real life. Others like slap-stick comedy. What about cute pictures? It makes me smile to see pictures of cute baby animals. Think small. It is the little things that we as people take for granted.
I don't know how to categorize that sort of thing, to be honest. I think I used to have more of a sense of humor... had a shirt at one time "Smartass University" or something... I dunno how well I struck that cord back then, but I generally don't bother anymore, I think. Don't say much, I guess... haven't got much to say. Far as pics, I wasted some time on ->-bleeped-<- r/pics after my intent there fell through. Just makes me feel more guilty
Well...we will find something. After your next post, you can start using the personal message ability.
Quote from: Stuck on June 03, 2012, 09:01:45 PM
Super tired since I did the morning shifts this weekend, and I don't generally do that, so hoping to stay coherent, but brief"I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk. I can't dance, I can't talk, I'm just standing here selling everything..." Too true. I've never seen Footloose and it's a clever idea, but I'd rather figure out how to get things going than things like screen-names and stuff :/
I don't know how to categorize that sort of thing, to be honest. I think I used to have more of a sense of humor... had a shirt at one time "Smartass University" or something... I dunno how well I struck that cord back then, but I generally don't bother anymore, I think. Don't say much, I guess... haven't got much to say. Far as pics, I wasted some time on ->-bleeped-<- r/pics after my intent there fell through. Just makes me feel more guilty
I just want to help you change your mindset. That's gong to be key for you. But, if you don't want to make the change, I'm spinning my wheels.
Just the same, I care. I don't like to see anyone suffer.
I'm going to be moderating for the next few hours. I'm on Pacific Time.
But you need to get some sleep. It's a good, natural medicine. Good night.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 09:35:42 PM
I just want to help you change your mindset. That's gong to be key for you. But, if you don't want to make the change, I'm spinning my wheels.
I want to change my situation, I think a realistic mindset is the only way that'd happen, and I don't think I'm capable of anything else anyway.
I really have no idea what to say for post XV, so, this is post XV and I can PM now
EDIT: An idea of what to say for post XV: I'm horrible at communicating with helpful or complimentary people (or probably all people), and I know I have and probably will continue to do a crappy job at it, but I do appreciate the response here, even if I still can't see a way anything is going to improve
Well, you made it to 15. Good job. That is one step closer to working through this. I am very glad you are still with us. I completely understand having a hard time communicating with people sh9wing concern. When I first got married, my wife was so used to being abused that when I did not hurt her, but instead showed her love and support, she could not handle it. It took her a long time to get used to it. So know, you are not alone. There are people who have been where you are. Not exactly where you are because we are all different. I look forward to you replying to my personal message.
hiya hon,
congrats on hittin' the 15 post mark lol i just made it there not too long ago myself.
If you have the time, and wouldn't mind, read over the following. Feel free to reply to me via PM if you want.
So how are ya doin? (u don't have 2 hold back either) I know ya don't know me, and I only know of you based on what you've posted here, but I wanted to say I hope your day's going well!
I wanted to apologize in case some things in my post came off as insulting. Specifically, you mentioned the "it gets better" line. Ugh. I hate that cliche myself. Sick of hearing about it ya know? I didn't want you to think that's what I was trying to say or force you to accept. What I did want to give was something I hold true, as simple as it sounds, it really does permeate everything in life, at least for me. Truth, beauty, everything, are all in the eye of the beholder. Perspective. So it "getting better" (yuk hate that phrase) is variable based on the perspective of the individual. Like with my catcher mitt analogy, I was holding onto and focusing only on the hate. I still do, like I said, but at least I can recognize what I'm doing and start to address it. I'm trying to NOT focus on that hate. I may be an idiot, you tell me, but I'm holding onto those moments that are great. So really, to me it seems that it already is, "better." Does any of this make sense?
Again, and this is prob. just my personality, but I always hated when someone would try to tell me how to feel or how I felt, hence the "if you've met one trans person..." comment. I really don't want to get ya mad at me or think that I'm being a pushy btch telling u how u should feel, etc., or throw cliches at you. I do think that that saying reinforces each of our individuality, and perspective. Perspective. (see the trend?) :)
I decided to post this here in hopes that my perspective may benefit others in similar situations to the ones we've faced. If you would like me to remove it, just say the word.
PM me anytime if you have any questions, want to talk, or just get someone else's perspective.
(((hugs)))
Quote from: Stuck on June 04, 2012, 10:00:14 AM
I want to change my situation, I think a realistic mindset is the only way that'd happen, and I don't think I'm capable of anything else anyway.
I really have no idea what to say for post XV, so, this is post XV and I can PM now
EDIT: An idea of what to say for post XV: I'm horrible at communicating with helpful or complimentary people (or probably all people), and I know I have and probably will continue to do a crappy job at it, but I do appreciate the response here, even if I still can't see a way anything is going to improve
You have a couple of issues that you should address. First is the distress you have over your financial and living situation. The second is that you are questioning your gender and/or sexuality.
Although I have seen therapists, I am not one, and can not really address those issues. But I can offer my support and friendship to the best of my ability.
Quote from: JadeRose on June 04, 2012, 12:38:21 PM
So how are ya doin? (u don't have 2 hold back either) I know ya don't know me, and I only know of you based on what you've posted here, but I wanted to say I hope your day's going well!
Ups and downs, I guess, which is uppier than a few days ago, and the last few months to few years. Just feeling very lost I guess... a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground...
Quote from: JadeRose on June 04, 2012, 12:38:21 PMI wanted to apologize in case some things in my post came off as insulting. Specifically, you mentioned the "it gets better" line. Ugh. I hate that cliche myself. Sick of hearing about it ya know?
Not insulting at all, it just isn't something I can hear anymore. Not sure how to explain. Just cynical I guess from years of hearing it, and offers of help from "friends" family, friends of family, etc, that are meaningless and never followed through.
Quote from: JadeRose on June 04, 2012, 12:38:21 PMI didn't want you to think that's what I was trying to say or force you to accept. What I did want to give was something I hold true, as simple as it sounds, it really does permeate everything in life, at least for me. Truth, beauty, everything, are all in the eye of the beholder. Perspective. So it "getting better" (yuk hate that phrase) is variable based on the perspective of the individual. Like with my catcher mitt analogy, I was holding onto and focusing only on the hate. ... Again, and this is prob. just my personality, but I always hated when someone would try to tell me how to feel or how I felt
Likewise... I can't hear vague and empty promises and platitudes anymore, I just can't. I need something concrete. And just because I'm told I should or shouldn't feel or take something to mean something in particular, doesn't mean I
can. Especially with my risen cynicism. I dunno if that makes any sense, is clear at all, or even if it is what I am trying to say. Very cynical of others, especially since none of my friends from HS or college have kept in touch, friends from online for 5ish years haven't noticed I've been gone a year, etc, all people I've heard claim they'd care. And like with the other site, so much "welcome, you'll get such support here" in the first day or so, and then fade to tumble weeds. I just talk to myself for months there, with the occasional "Welcome!" from someone who clearly didn't take the time to read anything I said, or dates, or anything. I know there's no malice, but I really don't feel any empathy or friendliness from it...
Quote from: JadeRose on June 04, 2012, 12:38:21 PMI decided to post this here in hopes that my perspective may benefit others in similar situations to the ones we've faced. If you would like me to remove it, just say the word.
Down with censorship! No, I would never want someone to remove something, especially a genuine effort to help, just because the helpee (that's me) is a cynical, insipid jerk.
Quote from: JadeRose on June 04, 2012, 12:38:21 PMPM me anytime if you have any questions, want to talk, or just get someone else's perspective.
I appreciate it, though I really don't know what to say on anything anymore, I need to physically move forward with the stuff Jamie D said much better than I, though it's what I've been trying to say. I welcome the offer, but I really don't feel I have anything to contribute, and can't until I get stuff moving along, which is tough because I don't have anything to contribute, in a larger sense.
You see, it much seems you are in need of some "assertive counselling" i.e. someone that you'd allow to kick your ass into gear.
There is no way to do this via a key-board and over the web, the rules of any site would not allow for that to start with. So, you ARE stuck, pursuing what you have been pursuing plenty before in other places – to no avail, and it's no wonder you feel like going insane over it all.
What you need is some PHYSICAL interaction and none of this: "oh shame, we ever so feel for you" stuff. You have long graduated past it by now, and in your own words too. I just spell it out for you in my own words.
This may sound non-empathetic to you, but it is in my experience why you ARE - and STAY stuck.
How come I say I know? I been there, of sorts... before ending up as an exorcist - for a while, quite some time ago.
Now those "demons" of yours, you are dealing with are not AT ALL being affect by any of our web chit-chat. They hardly get pissed-off, not threatened to leave you alone, not by a far shot. Hum.
Food for thought... food to take some DIFFERENT action.
You know the results of web-talk (chit-chat) by now, right?
Take care,
Axélle
When you come to a new Support Group it helps if you give them the benefit of the doubt. Give us a chance, even if we are only repeating things you have heard before. It doesn't mean we aren't trying to be sincere.
Exactly Axelle, but I just literally, at a very basic level, have no idea what I am doing anymore or how to get there. I don't really know what to look for job wise anymore, my resume is out of date, and blows, and "I'd like to work here so I can make money to transition" doesn't impress at interviews. I've got some things in mind I need to do with my resume, but I sit down, open it up, and at most I erase a couple things and stare for like 10 minutes cluelessly about what or how to refill it till I close it, don't save "progress" and all that is before even thinking about cover letters or where to apply. Further, what are the odds I'd be capable of doing any job like that, when I'm too stupid and pathetic to even make a resume or cover letter? I really just have nothing to contribute to the world or anyone
Quote from: Stuck on June 05, 2012, 11:45:29 AM
I really just have nothing to contribute to the world or anyone
Whilever you believe that, you never will.
So far I haven't said anything in this thread deliberately. But what you're missing isn't support. You're looking for in others what you can't find within yourself. And I'm afraid that's a losing battle.
That you believe you're stupid and pathetic is all the justification you need. And nothing anyone says here, or anywhere else online, is going to change your mind.
I spent months in the same mental place as you. I'm not joking. It was a place that made hell look like a walk in the park. But it really comes down to one thing. You have to
want to make things better for yourself. And to do that, you have to believe you're capable of doing it. That's something no one can make you believe but you.
There are organisations that help with resumes, and online places that offer tips for writing them, and how to impress people at interviews. If it's a means to an end then fair enough, loads of people don't do things because they want to, but because they have to to get to where they want to be. You don't have to tell them that you don't give a stuff about their job, but you need the money.
The first step has to be yours, hon. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and achieve what they want out of life. If only because I've been through it myself and come out the other side, so I know it's a mental prison rather than any sort of inherent inability.
And consider this: if you genuinely believe that you can't do anything, what have you got to lose by trying other than proving to yourself that you were right all along?
Quote from: Sephirah on June 05, 2012, 12:12:55 PMThere are organisations that help with resumes, and online places that offer tips for writing them, and how to impress people at interviews. If it's a means to an end then fair enough, loads of people don't do things because they want to, but because they have to to get to where they want to be. You don't have to tell them that you don't give a stuff about their job, but you need the money.
And they wanted $200 for a 1/2 hour phone call to get started on just a resume. I can't afford that.
Quote from: Sephirah on June 05, 2012, 12:12:55 PMThe first step has to be yours, hon. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and achieve what they want out of life. If only because I've been through it myself and come out the other side, so I know it's a mental prison rather than any sort of inherent inability.
I've considered that, but I don't know how to get out of it without any sort of accomplishment or achievement, or know-how/talent to get there.
Quote from: Sephirah on June 05, 2012, 12:12:55 PMAnd consider this: if you genuinely believe that you can't do anything, what have you got to lose by trying other than proving to yourself that you were right all along?
Problem is I have tried, and gotten nowhere... for years...
Quote from: Stuck on June 05, 2012, 12:28:17 PM
And they wanted $200 for a 1/2 hour phone call to get started on just a resume. I can't afford that.
http://www.how-to-write-a-resume.org/ (http://www.how-to-write-a-resume.org/)
See if there are any tips there you can apply to your own situation.
Quote from: Stuck on June 05, 2012, 12:28:17 PM
I've considered that, but I don't know how to get out of it without any sort of accomplishment or achievement, or know-how/talent to get there.
Okay, outside transition, what are your ambitions? If the world could be the way you wanted it to be, what would you want for yourself? What would you ideally like to be doing with your life? (And don't say nothing :P) Think about it for a bit.
Quote from: Sephirah on June 05, 2012, 12:35:40 PM
Okay, outside transition, what are your ambitions? If the world could be the way you wanted it to be, what would you want for yourself? What would you ideally like to be doing with your life? (And don't say nothing :P) Think about it for a bit.
I have and I genuinely don't have an answer. I don't think I ever really have, but especially in the last few years, I just can't focus and think like I used to.
Quote from: Stuck on June 05, 2012, 12:39:51 PM
I have and I genuinely don't have an answer. I don't think I ever really have, but especially in the last few years, I just can't focus and think like I used to.
Okay, try it another way. What do you like to do? What holds your interest? Heck, what provides an escape from the day-to-day life for you? What things do you take pleasure in?
Quote from: Sephirah on June 05, 2012, 12:50:25 PM
Okay, try it another way. What do you like to do? What holds your interest? Heck, what provides an escape from the day-to-day life for you? What things do you take pleasure in?
I feel like people aren't believing me when I say, in all seriousness, that I have no life... It's work at a deadend, go no where job, waste a bit of time, sleep, work at a deadend, go no where job, rinse, lather, and repeat. As far as what holds my interest, if the emphasis is on "hold", then not much. If it's just interest, then, I dunno. Interesting science news sometimes, but even that I just sort of skim and move on nowadays. I've read a little bit recently on brown bears, watched part of a documentary about black bears, those were kind of interesting, I guess. A year ago I used to play an MMO for a while (where I met the internet "friend" I mentioned who outted me as TG). I used to like the old Batman and Samurai Jack cartoons. Feel like I'm really stretching to have to make stuff up to answer an easy question anyone else would be able to fill with a billion actually interesting things about themselves.
Glad to hear you're "uppier" Stuck. :)
Now ... about that name ...
Quote from: Stuck on June 05, 2012, 08:10:40 PM
I feel like people aren't believing me when I say, in all seriousness, that I have no life... It's work at a deadend, go no where job, waste a bit of time, sleep, work at a deadend, go no where job, rinse, lather, and repeat. As far as what holds my interest, if the emphasis is on "hold", then not much. If it's just interest, then, I dunno. Interesting science news sometimes, but even that I just sort of skim and move on nowadays. I've read a little bit recently on brown bears, watched part of a documentary about black bears, those were kind of interesting, I guess. A year ago I used to play an MMO for a while (where I met the internet "friend" I mentioned who outted me as TG). I used to like the old Batman and Samurai Jack cartoons. Feel like I'm really stretching to have to make stuff up to answer an easy question anyone else would be able to fill with a billion actually interesting things about themselves.
I was telling a poster in the FtM section, that when I was a manager, I looked at hundreds and hundreds of resumes and applications. Most them were all the same, and did not tell me much about what the applicant brought to the job.
I highly recommend a book called, "What color is your Parachute." It's available for less than $20 on Amazon. Read the parts on the "qualification brief."
Make your submission stand out, with color, photos, graphics, and pertinent information that addresses the job functions. Yes, that means you will individually tailor a qualification brief for each job, but it will help you stand out from the pool of applicants. You don't need a professional service to market you.
I can say from experience, in this rotten Obama economic depression, there are lots of "over qualified" candidates out there. Ideally, try to get to the hiring manager and bypass the HR gatekeepers. When I got contacted by a prospective employee, I
knew that person was motivated.