Definition of insanity, and an intro

[Jamie D]

Do you remember the film, "Little Big Man"?

There is a character in the movie, the aged chief, who one day decides  his time has comes, and states, "It is a good day to die."

He then proceeds to lay down on some buffalo skins to pass away.  Sometime later he awakens and asks if he is dead.  The people surrounding him say no.

The chief responds, "Some times the magic works; sometimes it doesn't," and gets up to carry on.

Stuck, you need to carry on.

[invisible]

Well, you have a job.  That is allot better than quite a few people in this economy.  Since you can't walk, why not crawl.  You have already started to sit up by talking to us.  Lets take the next movement together.  Please, tell us one thing that even slightly makes you happy.  Even if it is only for a split second.  There has to be something.

I don't know that there is, really. My assumption is that getting a real job, making enough to move out, and transition would

[Jamie D]

Stuck, you are close to the 15-post threshold, after which you can use the personal messaging utility.

When that happens, could you please send me copies of your links again, so I can review them?

Now, what about your new screen name, to go with a new attitude?

How does "Footloose" sound?  You sort of liked "Loose."  Do you like to dance??

[Brooke777]

I don't know that there is, really. My assumption is that getting a real job, making enough to move out, and transition would

Those are good goals.  But, lets start small.  Do you like jokes?  What kind of sense of humor do you have?  I like comedy that plays on real life.  Others like slap-stick comedy.  What about cute pictures?  It makes me smile to see pictures of cute baby animals.  Think small.  It is the little things that we as people take for granted.

[invisible]

Super tired since I did the morning shifts this weekend, and I don't generally do that, so hoping to stay coherent, but brief

Stuck, you are close to the 15-post threshold, after which you can use the personal messaging utility.

When that happens, could you please send me copies of your links again, so I can review them?

Now, what about your new screen name, to go with a new attitude?

How does "Footloose" sound?  You sort of liked "Loose."  Do you like to dance??

"I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk. I can't dance, I can't talk, I'm just standing here selling everything..." Too true. I've never seen Footloose and it's a clever idea, but I'd rather figure out how to get things going than things like screen-names and stuff :/

Those are good goals.  But, lets start small.  Do you like jokes?  What kind of sense of humor do you have?  I like comedy that plays on real life.  Others like slap-stick comedy.  What about cute pictures?  It makes me smile to see pictures of cute baby animals.  Think small.  It is the little things that we as people take for granted.

I don't know how to categorize that sort of thing, to be honest. I think I used to have more of a sense of humor... had a shirt at one time "Smartass University" or something... I dunno how well I struck that cord back then, but I generally don't bother anymore, I think. Don't say much, I guess... haven't got much to say. Far as pics, I wasted some time on ->-bleeped-<- r/pics after my intent there fell through. Just makes me feel more guilty

[Brooke777]

Well...we will find something.  After your next post, you can start using the personal message ability.

[Jamie D]

Super tired since I did the morning shifts this weekend, and I don't generally do that, so hoping to stay coherent, but brief"I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk. I can't dance, I can't talk, I'm just standing here selling everything..." Too true. I've never seen Footloose and it's a clever idea, but I'd rather figure out how to get things going than things like screen-names and stuff :/
I don't know how to categorize that sort of thing, to be honest. I think I used to have more of a sense of humor... had a shirt at one time "Smartass University" or something... I dunno how well I struck that cord back then, but I generally don't bother anymore, I think. Don't say much, I guess... haven't got much to say. Far as pics, I wasted some time on ->-bleeped-<- r/pics after my intent there fell through. Just makes me feel more guilty

I just want to help you change your mindset.  That's gong to be key for you.  But, if you don't want to make the change, I'm spinning my wheels.

Just the same, I care.  I don't like to see anyone suffer.

I'm going to be moderating for the next few hours.  I'm on Pacific Time.

But you need to get some sleep.  It's a good, natural medicine.  Good night.

[invisible]

I just want to help you change your mindset.  That's gong to be key for you.  But, if you don't want to make the change, I'm spinning my wheels.

I want to change my situation, I think a realistic mindset is the only way that'd happen, and I don't think I'm capable of anything else anyway.

I really have no idea what to say for post XV, so, this is post XV and I can PM now

EDIT: An idea of what to say for post XV: I'm horrible at communicating with helpful or complimentary people (or probably all people), and I know I have and probably will continue to do a crappy job at it, but I do appreciate the response here, even if I still can't see a way anything is going to improve

[Brooke777]

Well, you made it to 15. Good job. That is one step closer to working through this. I am very glad you are still with us. I completely understand having a hard time communicating with people sh9wing concern. When I first got married, my wife was so used to being abused that when I did not hurt her, but instead showed her love and support, she could not handle it. It took her a long time to get used to it. So know, you are not alone. There are people who have been where you are. Not exactly where you are because we are all different. I look forward to you replying to my personal message.

[JadeRose]

hiya hon,

congrats on hittin' the 15 post mark lol i just made it there not too long ago myself.

If you have the time, and wouldn't mind, read over the following.  Feel free to reply to me via PM if you want. 

So how are ya doin?  (u don't have 2 hold back either)  I know ya don't know me, and I only know of you based on what you've posted here, but I wanted to say I hope your day's going well!

I wanted to apologize in case some things in my post came off as insulting.  Specifically, you mentioned the "it gets better" line.  Ugh.  I hate that cliche myself.  Sick of hearing about it ya know?  I didn't want you to think that's what I was trying to say or force you to accept.  What I did want to give was something I hold true, as simple as it sounds, it really does permeate everything in life, at least for me.  Truth, beauty, everything, are all in the eye of the beholder.  Perspective.  So it "getting better" (yuk hate that phrase) is variable based on the perspective of the individual.  Like with my catcher mitt analogy, I was holding onto and focusing only on the hate.  I still do, like I said, but at least I can recognize what I'm doing and start to address it.  I'm trying to NOT focus on that hate.  I may be an idiot, you tell me, but I'm holding onto those moments that are great.  So really, to me it seems that it already is, "better."  Does any of this make sense?

Again, and this is prob. just my personality, but I always hated when someone would try to tell me how to feel or how I felt, hence the "if you've met one trans person..." comment.  I really don't want to get ya mad at me or think that I'm being a pushy btch telling u how u should feel, etc., or throw cliches at you.  I do think that that saying reinforces each of our individuality, and perspective.  Perspective. (see the trend?)

I decided to post this here in hopes that my perspective may benefit others in similar situations to the ones we've faced.  If you would like me to remove it, just say the word.

PM me anytime if you have any questions, want to talk, or just get someone else's perspective.

(((hugs)))

[Jamie D]

I want to change my situation, I think a realistic mindset is the only way that'd happen, and I don't think I'm capable of anything else anyway.

I really have no idea what to say for post XV, so, this is post XV and I can PM now

EDIT: An idea of what to say for post XV: I'm horrible at communicating with helpful or complimentary people (or probably all people), and I know I have and probably will continue to do a crappy job at it, but I do appreciate the response here, even if I still can't see a way anything is going to improve

You have a couple of issues that you should address.  First is the distress you have over your financial and living situation.  The second is that you are questioning your gender and/or sexuality.

Although I have seen therapists, I am not one, and can not really address those issues.  But I can offer my support and friendship to the best of my ability.

[invisible]

So how are ya doin?  (u don't have 2 hold back either)  I know ya don't know me, and I only know of you based on what you've posted here, but I wanted to say I hope your day's going well!

Ups and downs, I guess, which is uppier than a few days ago, and the last few months to few years. Just feeling very lost I guess... a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground...

I wanted to apologize in case some things in my post came off as insulting. Specifically, you mentioned the "it gets better" line.  Ugh.  I hate that cliche myself.  Sick of hearing about it ya know?

Not insulting at all, it just isn't something I can hear anymore. Not sure how to explain. Just cynical I guess from years of hearing it, and offers of help from "friends" family, friends of family, etc, that are meaningless and never followed through.

I didn't want you to think that's what I was trying to say or force you to accept.  What I did want to give was something I hold true, as simple as it sounds, it really does permeate everything in life, at least for me.  Truth, beauty, everything, are all in the eye of the beholder.  Perspective.  So it "getting better" (yuk hate that phrase) is variable based on the perspective of the individual.  Like with my catcher mitt analogy, I was holding onto and focusing only on the hate.  ... Again, and this is prob. just my personality, but I always hated when someone would try to tell me how to feel or how I felt

Likewise... I can't hear vague and empty promises and platitudes anymore, I just can't. I need something concrete. And just because I'm told I should or shouldn't feel or take something to mean something in particular, doesn't mean I can. Especially with my risen cynicism. I dunno if that makes any sense, is clear at all, or even if it is what I am trying to say. Very cynical of others, especially since none of my friends from HS or college have kept in touch, friends from online for 5ish years haven't noticed I've been gone a year, etc, all people I've heard claim they'd care. And like with the other site, so much "welcome, you'll get such support here" in the first day or so, and then fade to tumble weeds. I just talk to myself for months there, with the occasional "Welcome!" from someone who clearly didn't take the time to read anything I said, or dates, or anything. I know there's no malice, but I really don't feel any empathy or friendliness from it...

I decided to post this here in hopes that my perspective may benefit others in similar situations to the ones we've faced.  If you would like me to remove it, just say the word.

Down with censorship! No, I would never want someone to remove something, especially a genuine effort to help, just because the helpee (that's me) is a cynical, insipid jerk.

PM me anytime if you have any questions, want to talk, or just get someone else's perspective.

I appreciate it, though I really don't know what to say on anything anymore, I need to physically move forward with the stuff Jamie D said much better than I, though it's what I've been trying to say. I welcome the offer, but I really don't feel I have anything to contribute, and can't until I get stuff moving along, which is tough because I don't have anything to contribute, in a larger sense.

[AbraCadabra]

You see, it much seems you are in need of some "assertive counselling" i.e. someone that you'd allow to kick your ass into gear.

There is no way to do this via a key-board and over the web, the rules of any site would not allow for that to start with. So, you ARE stuck, pursuing what you have been pursuing plenty before in other places – to no avail, and it's no wonder you feel like going insane over it all.

What you need is some PHYSICAL interaction and none of this: "oh shame, we ever so feel for you" stuff. You have long graduated past it by now, and in your own words too. I just spell it out for you in my own words.

This may sound non-empathetic to you, but it is in my experience why you ARE - and STAY stuck.

How come I say I know? I been there, of sorts... before ending up as an exorcist - for a while, quite some time ago.
Now those "demons" of yours, you are dealing with are not AT ALL being affect by any of our web chit-chat. They hardly get pissed-off, not threatened to leave you alone, not by a far shot. Hum.

Food for thought... food to take some DIFFERENT action.
You know the results of web-talk (chit-chat) by now, right?

Take care,
Axélle

[Sarah Louise]

When you come to a new Support Group it helps if you give them the benefit of the doubt.  Give us a chance, even if we are only repeating things you have heard before.  It doesn't mean we aren't trying to be sincere.

[invisible]

Exactly Axelle, but I just literally, at a very basic level, have no idea what I am doing anymore or how to get there. I don't really know what to look for job wise anymore, my resume is out of date, and blows, and "I'd like to work here so I can make money to transition" doesn't impress at interviews. I've got some things in mind I need to do with my resume, but I sit down, open it up, and at most I erase a couple things and stare for like 10 minutes cluelessly about what or how to refill it till I close it, don't save "progress" and all that is before even thinking about cover letters or where to apply. Further, what are the odds I'd be capable of doing any job like that, when I'm too stupid and pathetic to even make a resume or cover letter? I really just have nothing to contribute to the world or anyone

[Sephirah]

I really just have nothing to contribute to the world or anyone

Whilever you believe that, you never will.

So far I haven't said anything in this thread deliberately. But what you're missing isn't support. You're looking for in others what you can't find within yourself. And I'm afraid that's a losing battle.

That you believe you're stupid and pathetic is all the justification you need. And nothing anyone says here, or anywhere else online, is going to change your mind.

I spent months in the same mental place as you. I'm not joking. It was a place that made hell look like a walk in the park. But it really comes down to one thing. You have to want to make things better for yourself. And to do that, you have to believe you're capable of doing it. That's something no one can make you believe but you.

There are organisations that help with resumes, and online places that offer tips for writing them, and how to impress people at interviews. If it's a means to an end then fair enough, loads of people don't do things because they want to, but because they have to to get to where they want to be. You don't have to tell them that you don't give a stuff about their job, but you need the money.

The first step has to be yours, hon. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and achieve what they want out of life. If only because I've been through it myself and come out the other side, so I know it's a mental prison rather than any sort of inherent inability.

And consider this: if you genuinely believe that you can't do anything, what have you got to lose by trying other than proving to yourself that you were right all along?

[invisible]

There are organisations that help with resumes, and online places that offer tips for writing them, and how to impress people at interviews. If it's a means to an end then fair enough, loads of people don't do things because they want to, but because they have to to get to where they want to be. You don't have to tell them that you don't give a stuff about their job, but you need the money.

And they wanted $200 for a 1/2 hour phone call to get started on just a resume. I can't afford that.

The first step has to be yours, hon. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and achieve what they want out of life. If only because I've been through it myself and come out the other side, so I know it's a mental prison rather than any sort of inherent inability.

I've considered that, but I don't know how to get out of it without any sort of accomplishment or achievement, or know-how/talent to get there.

And consider this: if you genuinely believe that you can't do anything, what have you got to lose by trying other than proving to yourself that you were right all along?

Problem is I have tried, and gotten nowhere... for years...

[Sephirah]

And they wanted $200 for a 1/2 hour phone call to get started on just a resume. I can't afford that.

http://www.how-to-write-a-resume.org/

See if there are any tips there you can apply to your own situation.

I've considered that, but I don't know how to get out of it without any sort of accomplishment or achievement, or know-how/talent to get there.

Okay, outside transition, what are your ambitions? If the world could be the way you wanted it to be, what would you want for yourself? What would you ideally like to be doing with your life? (And don't say nothing ) Think about it for a bit.

[invisible]

Okay, outside transition, what are your ambitions? If the world could be the way you wanted it to be, what would you want for yourself? What would you ideally like to be doing with your life? (And don't say nothing ) Think about it for a bit.

I have and I genuinely don't have an answer. I don't think I ever really have, but especially in the last few years, I just can't focus and think like I used to.

[Sephirah]

I have and I genuinely don't have an answer. I don't think I ever really have, but especially in the last few years, I just can't focus and think like I used to.

Okay, try it another way. What do you like to do? What holds your interest? Heck, what provides an escape from the day-to-day life for you? What things do you take pleasure in?