Who's been the hardest to come out to?
As a MtF, for me it's been the outer circle - peers, distant friends and few teachers and employers (both sexes) who I've evolved some long standing rapport with. Not close friends, family, female or gay friends and acquaintances. (And not my partner.)
With my peers, perhaps it's knowing that they can easily pass judgement, talk to other colleagues and gossip - since the chance of it getting back to me will be considerably less compared to a close circle of friends. Also, on the outer, we usually imagine more things about a person and it will all be chucked into the mix. My fragile ego and reputation is at stake... Sure they've seen me looking a bit different, but I just can't seem to let it all go. I know I'm holding myself back.
Teachers, lecturers, employers? I think it's because I fear losing their encouragement and support..
Hmm, in these areas I feel I've stalled a bit..
Actually for me it was self acceptance. After that is was my therapist. All others ether accept me or they can go bye-bye.
For me, it was coming out to my parents. When I was 41 years old.
Yeah; 41.
I expect age has a lot to do with it - how long that other person/s have known you. I was 46 when I first told anyone, so I've had many years of pretending nothing's wrong..
Quote from: imogen on July 13, 2012, 10:14:20 PM
I expect age has a lot to do with it - how long that other person/s have known you. I was 46 when I first told anyone, so I've had many years of pretending nothing's wrong..
Heh, I can relate to that.
I'm outside of the internet and a couple of friends I am only out to my father and one of my sisters officially so out of those two the hardest person to come out to was my sister. I felt like I needed to come out to her. I kept having dreams everynight of coming out to her and I would hope that I would talk in my sleep about coming out to her and she walk in and over hear and then I walk up after questioned and then tell her. I couldn't take the dreams anymore so I told her. She reacted the way I expected by telling me God doesn't make mistakes and that I've built up a wall because of past hurts as a child and attached a "masculine spirit" to myself as a result. Basically she says she knows for a fact that I'm not trans and she thinks that I just need to be happy with myself.
Myself. Once I accepted/came out to myself, the others better damn well follow suit.
It's too bad if they can't, but that's their problem.
So yeah...it was hardest to let myself think I might be "one of those people."
Quote from: Connie Anne on July 13, 2012, 09:35:42 PM
For me, it was coming out to my parents. When I was 41 years old.
Yeah; 41.
One of the excuses I gave myself for years was that I'd hold off on coming out until my parents died.
They're very healthy, though (despite some chronic but seemingly non-short-term-fatal autoimmune stuff), and I'm not getting any younger.
I still haven't come out to them, but I've been working up to it.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on July 13, 2012, 09:30:36 PM
Actually for me it was self acceptance. After that is was my therapist. All others ether accept me or they can go bye-bye.
I hear ya, though I had a harder time accepting my genderfluidity than my bisexuality. Glad to say I love all of me, and those that condemn me for it can, as you so diplomatically say, go bye-bye
For me it would have been my father,but alas on that day the flying fickle finger of fate would not be kind to me,through a turn of events,a big mouthed sister and a recently set up make up kit,he was made aware of my plight. He did not take it well at all. Never before have I seen someone get so angry that they turned the most interesting shades of purple. Never before have I seen large garbage cans become airborne as they did on that day. Thankfully there were others around otherwise may my fate have been a bit different?
My mother, by far. Actually, I haven't even come out to her. It's just that difficult. She is a hyper-conservative and even applauded a Romney interview where he said that gay marriage is wrong. I don't think she'd take my "news" well. My dad, however, has been awesome. He just wants me to be happy and whenever I mess up trying to drive, he now says, "Dang, woman, what the heck? Now I finally understand why you can't drive for your life." At least I have him.
The only people I'm not out to are my landlords - I keep thinking I'm going to be able to just tell them (I live above a pub, so effectively, this means the bar staff), but then I just feel too much like I need my home to be safe - and I don't really know how they'll respond. I sort of go round in circles about it. It's not like they don't know something's going on. And in a way, it's none of their business. But it's weird that they're the only people I have anything to do with regularly who still don't know. But I'm still not telling... :(
There are a couple of women I haven't been able to tell yet. I know I should, but, well, they're not here in Oregon and it's so easy to just not bring it up. If they address me by my old name on my old email account, I don't correct either one of them (I almost never check that account anyhow). One was a coworker who taught me microbiology lab basics, and she's kind of an old fashioned person and I don't want her to think badly of me. The other was a mentor in a summer research program I did once.
Having so little childhood education, I feel like having been seen as intelligent and hardworking by those people is too valuable to endanger even with basic info about my current identity.
Thus far I have only came out to four of my close friends this number includes my boyfriend. I am a FtM. Hardest was my boyfriend, obviously fearing the loss of him, which I was nicely surprised to find that he was attracted to me no matter what and kinda figured ahead of time just by the way I act and how I was more masculine than androgynous. Also when he said he loved me no matter how I identify made me feel so much better and finally refreshed and accepted by who matters to me most.
I do however know that when It comes time to say something to my family it will be the hardest. I really want to tell my mother, I feel like she would listen, be upset, but still listen at least. I just feel that she should at least know before I start with a Gender Therapist because sooner or later she will end up putting pieces together faster than she already is. I am just afraid of the response I will get.
Aside from myself, my wife. I was afraid she would leave me. Turns out my fear was partially true. She is going to leave me once she can support herself. Until then, I am stuck in the guest room paying for her to go to school while I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and raising of our son. Everyone after her has been nothing, and they all accept me.
Quote from: Brooke777 on October 17, 2012, 10:12:12 PM
Aside from myself, my wife. I was afraid she would leave me. Turns out my fear was partially true. She is going to leave me once she can support herself. Until then, I am stuck in the guest room paying for her to go to school while I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and raising of our son. Everyone after her has been nothing, and they all accept me.
my god, Im so sorry. I wish the best for your future, sorry things didnt happen differently. :/
Quote from: Silas. on October 17, 2012, 10:36:48 PM
my god, Im so sorry. I wish the best for your future, sorry things didnt happen differently. :/
Thanks. I am sure they will pick up. I actually went on a date last weekend with a guy I met. My first date in 10 years, and my first date as a woman. So, yeah, I am sure things will pick up.
Quote from: Brooke777 on October 17, 2012, 10:50:16 PM
Thanks. I am sure they will pick up. I actually went on a date last weekend with a guy I met. My first date in 10 years, and my first date as a woman. So, yeah, I am sure things will pick up.
Wow, well then, I am quite happy for you, just stay true to yourself and I am sure things will work out in the long run.
The hardest, by far, was my father. I was on HRT for four years holding back from going full-time before I worked up the resolve to tell him. I was so completely convinced it was going to go catastrophically bad that during the drive down to talk to him I worked out several escape plans just in case he tried to literally kill me in a fit of rage moments after breaking the news. I had my support network lined up to take care of me for a few days if I needed it, and my therapist appointment scheduled for the day after to be able to talk about it with her. My fear told me these were perfectly reasonable precautions. Despite all of my meticulous planning for every contingency, he still managed to catch me off guard.
I told him I was trans. He said "hmm, okay."
He asked a few questions that most people have and asked what name I had chosen. Then he asked if he should start using my new name right away. Before he went to sleep for the night he told me he still loves me and wants to support me in whatever I need to do to be happy. I drove home with my head spinning; none of my plans ever involved him being supportive.
It made me take a hard look at how I saw my father and why I was so afraid. My father has very real faults and there were certainly experiences in the past that led me to believe this would go over poorly, but the vast majority of it was twisted around in my head. My father saw his child hurting for years and years and he didn't know why or how to help. Now he knows why and knows I'm doing what I need to do to be happy. He wants to support his kid, even if he doesn't totally get it.
So far, my fiancé.
He's straight and cis, so it's thrown a massive spanner into our relationship.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 10, 2012, 07:22:15 PM
So far, my fiancé.
He's straight and cis, so it's thrown a massive spanner into our relationship.
I know that feel.
Quote from: Constance on December 10, 2012, 09:20:36 PM
I know that feel.
If you're willing to post or PM, I'd like to know how you dealt with that.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 10, 2012, 09:26:51 PM
If you're willing to post or PM, I'd like to know how you dealt with that.
How did I deal with that? Well, after 23 years of marriage I was divorced. In our case, it was an insurmountable issue. She was a very straight ciswoman and she made it clear she didn't want to be married to a woman.
At this point, we're friends.
My devotion to my adult kids and the fact that I feel honor-bound to help my ex with our shared debt are literally the reasons why I lived through the divorce. If I'd been a gun owner, it's quite likely I would have died in June 2011. These days I do feel that I have more to live for. I try to keep the hope that I will not be alone for the rest of my life. But hope can be a dangerous and inconsiderate thing.
There are others here, I think, whose relationships survived transition. My ex doesn't seem to hate me, and I have reason to believe that we will be able to keep our friendship. I hope.
Quote from: Constance on December 10, 2012, 09:40:21 PM
How did I deal with that? Well, after 23 years of marriage I was divorced. In our case, it was an insurmountable issue. She was a very straight ciswoman and she made it clear she didn't want to be married to a woman.
At this point, we're friends.
My devotion to my adult kids and the fact that I feel honor-bound to help my ex with our shared debt are literally the reasons why I lived through the divorce. If I'd been a gun owner, it's quite likely I would have died in June 2011. These days I do feel that I have more to live for. I try to keep the hope that I will not be alone for the rest of my life. But hope can be a dangerous and inconsiderate thing.
There are others here, I think, whose relationships survived transition. My ex doesn't seem to hate me, and I have reason to believe that we will be able to keep our friendship. I hope.
I'm so sorry that you went through that, especially feeling suicidal. Thank you for telling me though, I appreciate your openness.
It's very much looking like I have to choose between transition and the relationship, which is very stressful (and it's tempting to just go back to suppression).
I'm glad you & your ex are still on ok terms though. It seems I'm in a similar place that you once occupied.
Honestly my girlfriend and tattoo artist
Quote from: AriannaJade on December 10, 2012, 09:51:55 PM
Honestly my girlfriend and tattoo artist
Are those the same person?
No lol my tattoo artist is a big scary biker looking guy
My Dad. I actually didn't come out to him, my Mom outted me because she couldn't hold on to the secret. I was so embarrassed and ashamed when we had our first talk, I just wasn't prepared to tell him. We still don't really talk about it, but it will become an issue soon as I'm beginning to take visual steps. I hope our relationship will endure.
Quote from: AriannaJade on December 10, 2012, 10:06:56 PM
No lol my tattoo artist is a big scary biker looking guy
Lol, cool. A new tattoo place just opened next to my house. I'm scared to talk to them though, as I'll have to ask them tricky questions about their inks.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 10, 2012, 09:46:16 PM
It's very much looking like I have to choose between transition and the relationship, which is very stressful (and it's tempting to just go back to suppression).
I'm glad you & your ex are still on ok terms though. It seems I'm in a similar place that you once occupied.
Things can work out in the long run. When I first came out my ex was horrible to me and almost drove me to suicide. Now, 9 months later we are becoming good friends. We talk more, and actually get along better than we did when we were married. I am really happy I chose to go through transition and no longer repress my true self. So far everything has worked out.
My mother.
Her 'daughter' has 'ovaries' and is a 'female' and 'nothing she does is going to change that'.
And that pretty much conforms to all the expectations I had for her reaction :(
Quote from: Jay.Lewis.P on December 19, 2012, 09:39:21 AM
My mother.
Her 'daughter' has 'ovaries' and is a 'female' and 'nothing she does is going to change that'.
Um, an oophorectomy would. :P
My ex-girlfriend. We had decided that it wasn't the best time for either one of us to continue in the (long-distance) relationship and deal with our own personal madness. After we broke up, I embarked on my self-discovery quest. The reason why I felt nervous telling her was because emotionally, we weren't over. I think I had a mild panic attack when I tried to express myself and said a whole bunch of incoherent things (including: "I just hate boobs, ya know!"). Somehow, she understood it. She's been incredibly supportive, but I haven't pushed too hard at getting back together because I don't want to ruin anything.
I haven't told my parents (or most of my relatives just because I don't want them to tell my folks), but my brother and a cousin know. My reason for leaving ma and pa in the dark has little to do with how they'll react towards me and everything to do with how they'll treat each other. They LOVE to fight and it's insane how crazy they'd get. I keep my mouth shut to prevent bloodshed and it hasn't been too much of a compromise for me. My brother, however, has been pretty cool about it. I also think if they watched the slow physical transition, that they wouldn't be able to sink into denial like they did when I told them about my then-girlfriend. My mom threw a fit, cried her eyes out, declared disownership, and then pretended like nothing happen three days later. I have to admit, in hindsight, I find it really funny.
For me, the hardest are the people I haven't told yet. My mom especially. We don't work together well in anything that she doesn't instantly approve of, and I am avoiding telling her about any of my problems because of that. This will probably be totally out of the blue for her because of that. I know I'm partly to blame with that, since I haven't had the balls to be myself with her, before.
So what do I do with this issue? I'm considering telling one of my other relatives about gender stuff before telling her. Never lived with my half-sister, but she could be the one I could trust, telling her would be a bit easier than telling other relatives.
...Funny that I'm "out" to most of my friends and even many old friends and exes, but not told any relatives yet. I've always had a hard time being myself around them. I just need to find a huge well of courage inside me to do that.
Out of the people I have told about this, it's my latest ex. He took it totally well when I last got it out of my mouth, but it was hard. Afterwards it was just such a relief. The funniest thing was that he told me that now 4 (!) of his exes have turned out to be FTM (or FTA). :D
Kia Ora,
For me it was the "SELF"... But this is now water under the bridge and out to sea...
Metta Zenda :)
The hardest person it was for me to come out to was my 8yr old daughter.
Quote from: Serena Lynn on December 26, 2012, 07:52:27 PM
The hardest person it was for me to come out to was my 8yr old daughter.
If you're willing to share, how did she take it? I told my sped kid at 11 and her reaction was at first sobbing and then curiosity. Once she realized I wasn't playing make-believe and wasn't going to abandon her she took it very matter-of-factly. I don't think she's ever misgendered me after she got done with her questions.
Quote from: Zenda on December 23, 2012, 04:40:27 PM
Kia Ora,
For me it was the "SELF"... But this is now water under the bridge and out to sea...
Metta Zenda :)
I think it was the same for me. With the others I was drunk, so it went smoothly.
I've trying to think of an answer to this. When I came out to my family it was, Oh well lets do it. I invited them to dinner and here I was. They had a choice, stay or leave. They stayed.
Work was easy even though I was scared. Again I wasn't going to leave, they had to deal with it.
I think that may have been my saving grace. I have never really cared if anyone has a problem with me. Many people I have never told, I just turned up as me and that was it.
My first senior management meeting as me was me in a dress, I never told the others and I didn't explain. If they were going to have a problem they could resign, run away or hide. As long as they did their jobs I didn't care. No one has ever asked me, they just refer to me as my female name and pronouns.
My first lecture to 300 I turned up as me in female dress, the previous week I was in male clothes. I didn't give any explanations. I did have a few girls smirking so I brought them out to the front of the lecture theatre so they could act a living examples to the lecture. They hated it. The rest of the students thought it was hilarious.
My first big clinical presentation I just turned up and started presenting my cases, I was asked quietly and privately by the chair what first name to use. I told him and it was used. They all knew me from before as a male.
I had to do a student review at another Uni and I did tell them that I would be presenting as my female gender and to warn the student, as I did not want to put the student under anymore pressure than they would be anyway, as they and the other examiners knew me as a male.
It was no problem.
I did have to have a meeting with a group whom I did not get on with and who were known to be somewhat sexist. I needed some specific outcomes. I went wearing a tight pencil skirt, high heel knee length boots, tight blouse, make up. Looked great. With the heels I was about 6 foot. I weigh about 65 kilos. I was looking hot.
Scared the living daylights out of them. I got everything I wanted from the meeting. They treated me with awe.
Never ever had a problem with them since.
When I was pretending to be a guy I had little confidence, he could never have done what I do.
Oh, over Christmas I was stopped for a random breath test. The policeman said sir blow into this, I said there are no males in this car., and made no attempt to hold the breath analyser. He apologised and said miss can you blow into this analyser. I did.
I of course passed, he then said I love your steering wheel cover, (hot pink), thanked me and left.
The hardest person to out to?
Yourself.
By far the hardest person to admit that I'm transgendered was myself. It took almost 30 years to finally admit it.
When I was younger my girlfriends thought I was gay with some of the things I would do, and because of that the relationships never lasted very long.
I finally wised us and with my last girlfriend I told her about this side of me, it was the first time I told anyone. I was 35 years old at the time. We were together 10 years. I have since come out to family and friends with nothing but positive reactions. I again find myself alone but at least I know who and what I am; and now I'm finally on the road to become the person I see when I look in the mirror.
Hugs
Bethany
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 11, 2013, 08:25:45 AM
I think it was the same for me. With the others I was drunk, so it went smoothly.
Ahahah yep. But you tire out pretty quickly trying to tell a bunch of people in the same night. It does make it easier initially, but now I prefer to be sober.
And yeah have to agree with so many others here, hardest one was the self. Second hardest was my now ex gf, and third hardest was my parents. Then probably my two best male friends.
I'm still not totally out to everyone in the extended friend group, but my presentation has changed so much over the past couple of months that I think they would be able to surmise that I am trans or something. With my current friends I've always done occasional crossdressing and had long hair, but adding women's fashion + makeup + disappearing body hair + heels has all the unknowings asking.. What's going on with "him"?? Wait, her??? Also new pronouns coming from inner circlers around people who don't know is really fun and very helpful... I kind of giggle and they look over at me with a look of shock. I just love it when that shocked look is followed by a nod of approval and another conversation is born.
Word about this kind of thing spreads fast too. Once enough people know, filling in the gaps becomes a lot easier. Now, it really only takes about 10 mins because most people already know what's going on! Lovely, I was actually about to start feeling a little tired from the 90 minute individual convos!
I share with Fat A and Kia Ora that most daunting challenge of accepting myself. It reads like some great comedy that I could convince myself about an alternate reality (being cis) while actually cross dressing and more. I felt so unusual that I considered I must be an alien from another planet;-) How dramatic to now be in transition and feel so honored to ride this wave of love and support for coming out transgendered. Wadaya know, what's between my ears was a bigger problem than what's between my legs.
So inspring to hear about others success stories!
i came out 2 years ago, but not to everyone. i've told my mom, and my little sister, but i can't seem to tell my dad. he is very strict and very old fashioned. i don't want him to be upset or angry or get in my face and make me feel like crap for who i am. pretty much what he did when he found out i was atheist aha.
Mine's a bit odd. The limited family I've come out to and the spouse - not bad at all so far.
But for some reason I can't mention to my classmate who sits next to me in most of my classes that I'm going by a different name now (and why, obviously). Just can't bring myself to do it, even though it's a really low threat. Can't get over the awkwardness of it, I suppose. But sooner or later I'm going to have to, because in one class I have a mix of people who know me as birthname, and people who know me as chosenname.
So. Awkward (any tips on how to inform casual acquaintances about suddenly having a new name appreciated, by the way).
Quote from: ford on February 15, 2013, 01:10:07 PM
So. Awkward (any tips on how to inform casual acquaintances about suddenly having a new name appreciated, by the way).
A few seconds before your last class ends, pack your stuff, toss him a note, and run out! You'll see him later.
Aside from myself, it was Mom.
Sure, I knew she's very open-minded and doesn't judge people but it was completely different. After all, I'm her only child and therefore I was certain she'd be blaming herself and all that jazz.
But Mom clearly told me I would be always be her child, she'd love me no matter what and would never abandon me.
"myself" remains top of the list but my adult daughter and son are next. My daughter was "cool" as she said after 10 minutes of discussion and me in a dress. Bless her heart, she was ready to go downtown and get breakfast. Portland is a progressive city and I was "ma'am" and we were "ladies" to our hosts. And then the fuller process and finality sunk in for her. Then we got to deal with anger, loss, and stereotypes. Some of her friends laughed and made sick jokes. She wondered if she could ever be comfortable introducing me to people. She will miss "old Dad." It takes time and patience and listening for the message. Our kids do need us and, with a long history of being supportive, they will continue to reach out for understanding and a loving parent.
My son has explicitly set a course for himself that is 180 degrees from who I am. He pumps iron daily and is a mans man. Once a National Alliance Skinhead he keeps the nearly shaved head but has softened the bigotry and prejudice. We have miles to go when reaching for common ground but we all need help along the way. Initially he raged about his Dad in a dress and defriended me in more ways than Face book. Now the acceptance is growing as we share the love and support he still needs for dealing with his own family about their relationships. Having a baseline with some trust and continuity is keeping the door open. That's all I can ask.
It is so very hard for so many men to be in touch with feelings other than anger. I like to think we TG folks are helping to push the boundaries of what a man or woman can be for the cis gendered too.
Coming out to myself was a neutral matter, i'd always known I was different and it finally clicked when I watched a documentary about being transgender. But in some ways I still haven't come out to myself.
Coming out to my friends was... interesting. I'd already come out as "gay" several years beforehand, those who had abandoned me due to sexual preference I didn't have to bother coming out to later as I no longer spoke to them. My closest friends were really accepting of me when I told them. Several people I thought I could trust tried to use this information against me and blackmail me, which led to me inevitably coming out to my entire year.
My family... well this is a difficult matter. I came out to my parents exactly a year ago, they had mixed reactions, not openly hostile, just bemused and a bit worried, my mother reacted worst and said I was doing it for attention etc etc etc. So I quickly said it was a phase and didn't say anymore about it, and now we act as if nothing has happened, so I don't really know how to come out to them.