I'm going to be quite sincere with this one: My biggest fear in life is being alone. During my entire life it's been like that (partly my fault, partly being socially kicked one after another). I though I could like living as a hermit, accept that dying alone was not that bad and just spend my remaining time on "single player" hobbies. Real truth: I can't do that anymore. The reason for going to therapy (not GID therapy) was to overcome my difficulties for making new friendships, lose my fear to enter into romantic relationships, and develop social skills / destroy my extreme shyness.
But reading Jillieann Rose's last thread has bring light to one of the aspects I was not thinking about. How will I endure this? I'm not completely old, neither young. I'm not the kind of person that can enter a pub and start talking with the first person he sees... I only have two friends, and transitioning means the risk of losing them. The last time I ended in "you have zero friends" mode the result was depression. I know that I can't live alone without going crazy, and I need to have somebody in my life. Having friends and being part of a social unit weights more on my scale than transitioning. If this can cripple my life even more, I may not have enough strength to do it.
As the topic says, how was it for you ? Was your life the same as before, it went worse, or better? I feel that I can't do this on my own, I need people I can rely on. Being a lone wolf is not for me.
I really see no reason why you shouldn't be able to have friends. During transition I lost some and I gained some friends. After transition I would have to say I mostly enjoyed myself more in the company of other than before, but like you I'm neither the kind of person to just chat people up in a pub or something.
I used to worry about the same the years prior to coming out. One of the main things that kept me from doing anything was that I just couldn't picture myself transitioning without hanging my head in shame and embarrassment for the rest of my life. I just couldn't imagine how it would be possible to do this and still look my friends and family in the eyes. As it turned out I was completely wrong, and though I had my moments of embarrassment and feeling uncomfortable, everything worked out great. As it turned out I was a better person after than before and people generally like me better now. Life is a 1000x better now than before.
I was afraid I was going to remain single for the rest of my life but I accepted that it might turn out that way. Before coming out I had tried to find some middle ground and tried to find a man that I could have some secret relationship with. In the back of my mind I thought that maybe if I could find someone to love me I could perhaps let all the rest go, because I was sure I would lose it all if I transitioned. It didn't work out though because I soon discovered the ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- and what they were all about. During and after transition things started to change a bit, and as I grew into my new role and figured guys out things turned more into what regular girls seemed to experience. Eventually I met a guy that I ended up marrying and we've been together for 7 years now. Finding love is not impossible. You just need to have some faith and figure yourself out.
QuoteI though I could like like an hermit, accept that dying alone was not that bad and just spend my remaining time on "single player" hobbies. Real truth: I can't do that anymore. The reason for going to therapy (not GID therapy) was to overcome my difficulties for making new friendships, lose my fear to enter into romantic relationships, and develop social skills / destroy my extreme shyness.
Oh yeah, this was me. I'd gotten married, had kids, etc. but over time my ex and I got further and further apart...my transitioning/HRT killed "us" off (in her eyes, for me what killed it was different reasons).
As we were going through that process, I noticed I had no friends...NONE. Went into therapy (before HRT) and learned several very interesting things about myself that were a part of why I had no friends (so, yeah, sometimes there are reasons one won't/can't have friends, even if no one can see those reasons).
But, as I transitioned, the "real me" came out, and suddenly I had friends! Seriously, early in transition I'd be "male" one day and I'd be invisible...the next day I'd be "female" and everyone said hi, smiled, acknowledged me, asked me to go to lunch, etc. I mean, I'm not a bubbly gabby type of girl, but if I do my part--smile, say hi, show an interest in them--people's eyes light up. (When I was a guy, their eyes were always like, "why is this person talking to me? and they were quick to get away).
So, it's not hopeless (I haven't read Jillieann Rose's thread)...but you do have to accept yourself, and the possibility that you will be without friends sometimes in your life, and as long as you have yourself, more friends will present themselves.
Hi Apples,
Good to see your journey has started in earnest.
I certainly believe you will have no problems at all, once you start coming out of yourself more.
It's a magic transition when you become so honest with yourself, and start accepting yourself for who you really are. Once the facade and mask are removed, others begin to see the magnificent, YOU. And this is not 'tripe' I speak of. This is what actually happens, usually as a result of having a good therapist on board.
In answer to your question; it is without absolute doubt my social life has not only gone to a new level, it's actually entered a new dimension.
Improved would be a gross understatement.
I'm so open and accepting. I'll talk the leg off an iron pot. My confidence and self esteem has never been this high in all my life.
The day I left denial, depression and mediocrity behind, was basically the first day of my life. What preceded that, was 'existence.'
Today, I, Catherine lead a life my alter-ego (boy mode) could never have envisaged. In fact he secretly admired people who could attract, and be in such dynamic relationships.
This is available to you, and I believe you have the tenacity to get it and the persistence to achieve it.
I'm completely at ease going into any group of people and immediately engaging with as many as I can find. This is not restricted to the TG community alone.
I now regularly attend 8 TG social (lunch/dinner) functions per month, notwithstanding at least 8-10 "Have you got time for a coffee" adhoc session with other women throughout the month.
By comparison to my previous 'boy' mode, if I'd had two coffee sessions per month with other men, it would have been an exception.
Currently my FB boy presence runs at 4, so called real friends and 8 acquaintances. By comparison to Catherine's presence, which has only been up for less than a month, is running at 25 women I can count as real friends and still growing, with a further 18 women who would be classed as acquaintances, or women I'm still getting to know. My 'boy' profile has been running for 5 years, Catherine's has been up less than a month.
As you begin to accept yourself more, I believe you will start to experience something similar. It may come with the cost of old relationships/acquaintances. But at the 'end of the day' I've heard it said; " Those that matter, don't care who you are, and those that care, don't matter."
I can only urge you to continue this evolution, perhaps with some alacrity, to becoming the person you are destined to be. Along the way, you will realise the freedom and liberation this journey/evolution has given you, is well worth the cost you have paid for it. And trust me; sometimes it costs everything. BUT; the ROI (Return On Investment) IS indisputable.
Keep on doing what you are doing; because you do it so well.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Axélle on August 18, 2012, 10:25:06 AM
My social life has +/- remained static, and I may consider myself blessed, though I am most often alone, not to say lonely.
Though, it was little different before - only the bigots, and idjits have quit seeking my company and I ought to be feeling the better for it.
Most were actually 'takers' now they found others to take from, and so be it.
So, I certainly can say my social life has NOT experienced a big upsurge in popularity - static it is, and was before transition I ought to add.
Axélle
Sometimes being able to cut loose the deadwood helps in other areas.
:)
Quote from: MariaMx on August 18, 2012, 09:11:04 AMI soon discovered the ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- and what they were all about.
Oh, I had forgotten about these guys. Should I be worried about it? Yet... I don't want to do a full transition, I want keep my original genitalia as long as possible... This can be a problem. My sex preferences are still limited to women, other trans women and gay men... Making a search though the website reveals really odd things with "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-". Ok, I don't mind having a romantic relationship with other trans people, but obsesed unstable 200 pounds wackos? Sheeeesh.
I know for me people are nicer to me now and the guys attention is way better. But social is kind of dead at the moment due to school, the guy who looks after me and some other stuff. But normally post boy mode has been really good
Like many, my life is static. The only real time I had "friends" was when I was married. I never really had friends, other than on-line.
I don't date. I have had some but they were all duds.
My experience has been improved. I have had more friends since I went full-time than I had beforehand. especially immediately after the event. I was pretty popular, by my standards, and those were some of the best months I've ever had.
First off let me state that my exeriance is atypical and I recogniose that.
When I transitioned I got my family and friends back. I had alienated them years before due to gender angst and internal rage issues. When I came out and transitioned it started to all make sense to my loved ones, they finaly had something to point to that explained my behaivior. Over a period of about 6 months they started to slowly drift back into my life after the rumours started to fly I was 'doing the sex change thing'.
I now have a social life, and friends and my family has brought me back into the fold.
Transition was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Apples, I'm as scared as you but I know a part of what to expect from family, friends, buddies and acquaintances. I know I will lose some of them and not in the best way, and I do not know how hard it will be when I'm out.
This would be very useful to have more testimonials in this thread.
I think my social life has stayed about the same.
I have to admit, this is my biggest concern, other than continuing to resemble myself more than I hope to
Old friends were all sorta accepting (they took quite some time to understand what i was saying), but i don't really talk to them that much anymore.
Now, more recent friends (which i made closer to transition), that was amazing and felt so good. All the barriers between us broke down and i just got so close to everyone. Our friendships are stronger than ever before!
And as for making new friends... it just happens somehow. I don't really know how :P. Conversations just happen, when you aren't trying to hide everything. And i'm a person who usually sits at home and plays video games. Heck, i don't drink alcohol, nor coffee, not even tea. I'm utterly boring on the outside! It helps however having a hobby and sharing it with other people to start getting to know people. My current group of friends was mainly through university or through those people i met there (to be honest i'm most of the time busy with university, so it's kind of hard meeting anyone outside of it :P)
Oh as for family: My relationship with all of them improved enormously as i finally start making sense to them and i finally talk with them.
Social life is better, happier. Even those who knew me before can hear the happiness in the way I say things, because there is no more holding back. No more trying to hide the cute, it just comes out!
I met a beautiful girl named Ana who won my heart and I won hers x3 Something that may of never happened unless I transitioned.
On the flip side,
Coming out in the area I live in could put my life in jeopardy, but these people are the kind of people I would never converse with.
not much of a social person to begin with i guess thats part of my issues so no vote here
well mostly static
when I came out a few years ago to friends and few family members - I lost a lot of close people.
although with time - some of them did come back and we did become friends again.
a few who don't know that am transgender - say I am a lot more happier and comfortable and open.
Mine has stayed the same since transition. I have always been a very social person and when I transitioned, I lost a couple of friends, kept the largest majority, all of my remaining family and gained quite a few new ones. I was open and honest with everyone from the very beginning and I think that helped a lot.
As for Romance I am quite cautious and screen my partners well. While I am upfront about my nature, and the fact that I haven't had GRS yet, I still demand that we will date and get to know each other before sex is even thought about. This eliminates a majority of the ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s and gives me a chance at something a little more serious.
Overall it has improved. I still don't have tons of friends, and struggle sometimes in that department, but being myself made it so I could actually talk openly with people. That's a big improvement from before when i just wanted to die every time I spoke, haha.
I work two jobs, and take care of 6 kids, so my time is rather constrained, but I do have a lot of friends as always.
My relationship with my pre-transtion friends has changed; my female friends has become more intimate and fun, while the boys seem to be more reserve and treat me differently. Fortunley for me I have not lost any of them.
Male and female friends I had made during the last 2 years seem to be oblivious to the fact that once upon time I played the role of a male.
Honestly speaking, my social life has improved. Dramatically I might add.
I the beginning things were a little hard for me, so initially things took a downturn. Friends were always accepting and supportive, I was just very timid about myself. I started to come out of my shell a lot more and after just a few months my life has been a lot busier and much more fun for sure.
Mine would be a lot better if I didn't still tend to pull back from people. I get invitations to visit, etc, but I still shy away from friendships and such.
I have way more close friends now than I did living as a guy. I feel I am more open and friendly, carefree? Hard to explain but people seem to enjoy being around me. I honestly lost one friend when I started living full time, he was an extreme homophobe and assumed everyone would think he was my gay lover if we stayed friends or something silly like that. *waves bye to a moron* And just to note, none of my new friends are trans or part of that process, they are just new people I have met.
I know now everyone has had the same experience but my transition was a huge positive as far as my social life.
I feel like my social life has improved greatly. I never fit in as a guy. Always quiet as a mouse etc. Now I am much happier, while I get more crap for it I at least have my circle of friends, a understanding of my life and the ability to use that to be more social ^_^
I now have friends and a social life.
I also have respect for myself and I do not loath myself.
I walk tall and happy, I smile and I communicate with people. People talk to me just in passing.
I have made friends with people on this forum who are life long friends that I respect and trust with every detail of my life. They have kept me going and I would do anything for them.
My pretence at being male was lonely and grief stricken. I survived because of my strong will, but it was an existence and not a life.
To be totally blunt there were times when I thought my male pretence was happy. Once I transitioned I understood what happiness is, and I realised that I had never been happy.
I am happy now,
Cindy
Given that I'm posting this at 3:50 am and I just got home, I'd say improved. It's so much easier to talk to people when you aren't miserable all the time.
Definitely improved!!!
I feel a lot more happier and open when I interact with people and when people see me happy they are usually more open and friendlier.
my mind is at peace with who I am although I can't wait to get out of this stupid boy mode that's getting on my nerves at times.
I am really happy about what HRT is doing to my body and mind :)
I have made more really close friends in the 18 months since I went FT than in the 55 years before. Considering my conspicuous failures at dating before I married, I can't say it has got much worse, although things might be looking up in that department too. I now have club and support meetings to go to, so I am generally out at least one night a week.
Karen.
Quote from: Cindy James on September 30, 2012, 02:32:10 AM
To be totally blunt there were times when I thought my male pretence was happy. Once I transitioned I understood what happiness is, and I realised that I had never been happy.
I am happy now,
Cindy
I just had to quote this part, as it is
so true for me.
To actually answer the OP, my social life has improved. I still have all the same friends and family as I had before transition, plus a bunch more friends, Cindy included.
I finally don't have to suffer from trying to be a normal male. I am not. I am not totally female either. I am a spirit who doesn't suffer from the affects of testosterone nor do i have to shave and all my hair is still here. I can play female or male or non. Spiritually i am me and i no longer am hung up on the superficial of my outer shell. I can build things and i can cook and be a caregiver and be trusted and i can trust myself to act the same 24/7 so yes my life has definately improved but i had to go thru it all and come out the other side and not get stuck in the superficiality of my appearence. Yes i transitioned and looked pretty hot considering starting at 41 and having much destruction from T from testes. here see for yourself some of my past pics http://web.archive.org/web/20070503033734/http://hometown.aol.com/danielegrl/myhomepage/news.html (http://web.archive.org/web/20070503033734/http://hometown.aol.com/danielegrl/myhomepage/news.html)
http://web.archive.org/web/20050205065104/hometown.aol.com/danielegrl/ (http://web.archive.org/web/20050205065104/hometown.aol.com/danielegrl/)
http://danielegrl.u.yuku.com/gallery/ls/aid/24837 (http://danielegrl.u.yuku.com/gallery/ls/aid/24837)
Today i do not try to be anything i am not.
Some of you are females and seek males and some are lesbians and some are celibates like me..
I can go anyway i want but i can only go the way that i am.
I no longer am used by women for sex because i use to have a rather large thang and sex drive
yes freedom is what it is about for me.
you have to decide what it is you seek which will take time and effort.. god willing as well as your willing to go thru hell to find your heaven
Just on tht Sis,
I've bought a new BBQ!!!
Have to get the boys and girls and boys together to celebrate.
Hugs
CJ
New BBQ Cindy? That will really get the irons hot! ;)
Might see you girls after exams are over, feel the need of a Summer Bike Run.
Quote from: Crt.rnA on August 18, 2012, 08:39:15 AM
I'm going to be quite sincere with this one: My biggest fear in life is being alone. During my entire life it's been like that (partly my fault, partly being socially kicked one after another). I though I could like living as a hermit, accept that dying alone was not that bad and just spend my remaining time on "single player" hobbies. Real truth: I can't do that anymore. The reason for going to therapy (not GID therapy) was to overcome my difficulties for making new friendships, lose my fear to enter into romantic relationships, and develop social skills / destroy my extreme shyness.
I started off in the same way by going to a therapist for my social phobia (I am not saying you have this btw). I worked on that for some time as a regular guy (well the best I could anyway) and gradually worked my way to coming out. Things were not as overwhelming for me this way. My fear of going back to a being a 'Him-mit' is greater now than sitting down next to a random person in a cafe and starting to converse.
Today when I cannot go out and present myself as female (for any reason) I feel like an imposter which is reflected in my less happy attitude.
I talk and smile much less in male drab. So I believe myself to be: a person who is interested in meeting and exchanging with others by saying hello with a big smile on HER face.
This is an interesting thread.
The thread has just answered itself :laugh:
Karen and Kelly are friends and we meet up. Karen has been sentenced to vaginal servitude in Tasmania (it used to be a penal colony :laugh:, sorry), but is occasionally let free to travel to civilised parts of the country. Kelly and I go out for dinner, coffee etc. I never knew either of them before transitioning. Now they are friends.
Well as friendly as you can be with a Tasmanian: down girl down, Cindy wields the branding iron in protection.
My social life got better. It is easier to connect with people when you don't hate yourself
It is nice to actually HAVE a social life. Outed myself again as a dyke at bike night at Joe's Garage cafe, and nobody gave a damn. Lots of riders M and F from all over. Too busy laughing at me holding the back of a friend's little commuter bike off the ground while the Uni MCC President tried to do a burnout wearing full race leathers. :laugh:
Same when I scooped a hot-dog out of the pot and said it was the closest I was getting to anything shaped like that! :o Great bunch.
Karen
Quote from: Cindy James on October 03, 2012, 04:13:14 AM
The thread has just answered itself :laugh:
Karen and Kelly are friends and we meet up. Karen has been sentenced to vaginal servitude in Tasmania (it used to be a penal colony :laugh:, sorry), but is occasionally let free to travel to civilised parts of the country. Kelly and I go out for dinner, coffee etc. I never knew either of them before transitioning. Now they are friends.
Well as friendly as you can be with a Tasmanian: down girl down, Cindy wields the branding iron in protection.
Yes, Cindy and I are friends.. I enjoy her company. The last time we went out for dinner, I was quite drunk and had flouro pink hair, she didn't say a word about either - and for that I will love her eternally.. I still owe her an apology for my drunkenness...
Quote from: kelly_aus on October 03, 2012, 09:06:21 AM
Yes, Cindy and I are friends.. I enjoy her company. The last time we went out for dinner, I was quite drunk and had flouro pink hair, she didn't say a word about either - and for that I will love her eternally.. I still owe her an apology for my drunkenness...
No you don't silly. And I did comment about your hair, I thought it was cute, but not for me. I've gone an auburn brown with blonde highlights and curly, quite different to how you saw me last, and it is my real hair :laugh:
Friends are friend because they have a friendship. I met you a long time ago (well not that long) and trusted me with a very precious secret, as did Sarah. You don't forget friends who share their souls.
Hugs Sis
CJ
Quote from: Rotten Apple on August 18, 2012, 08:39:15 AM
[...]
As the topic says, how was it for you ? Was your life the same as before, it went worse, or better? I feel that I can't do this on my own, I need people I can rely on. Being a lone wolf is not for me.
I would have to say that my social life, or lack thereof, is pretty much the same. I have never been able to maintain friendships over time. I'll get to know someone through school/work, but as soon as the daily interaction through those areas come to an end, the friendship itself will dissolve. It doesn't bother me though. I'm an introvert, and can't handle too much social interaction, so I get my dose at work.
What has changed, however, is how I feel about being in various social settings. I've never been fond of them, but at least now I am much more
comfortable.
Quote from: cynthialee on August 20, 2012, 02:25:54 PM
When I transitioned I got my family and friends back. I had alienated them years before due to gender angst and internal rage issues. When I came out and transitioned it started to all make sense to my loved ones, they finaly had something to point to that explained my behaivior. Over a period of about 6 months they started to slowly drift back into my life after the rumours started to fly I was 'doing the sex change thing'.
Wow, this just rang a huge bell in me. I may have been doing something similar to this. I get a lot of negative critique from my relatives about "not acting like a girl" or "every woman should understand these kinds of things". I'm always jumpy around them and keep thinking that they will notice how different I am. And notice I'm a fake. I tell them almost nothing of how I think or feel, since the response is never one I would want it to be. :icon_sad:
Other than that, after understanding some of my gender dysphoria I've come out to only a few people; with at least one I'm much closer with than before. And I'm a lot more sociable, too. I feel much more comfortable around people. Things are maybe a bit easier for me than for many other people - I'm a pre-everything androgyne and it's possible I'll never need any hormones or surgeries...
The only area with a drastic change has been romance and/or affairs. I'm much more cautious than before. I used to be very reckless and ignorant, and felt numb with every person I was with. Sort of just closed my mind and feelings and melted my personality away when I was with them. I'm hoping never to feel that kind of numbness again, and that at some point I'll find someone who wants me just the way I am. :) Until then, I'm quite fine with not being in romantic relationships.