Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

I cant say that I love it because who does? =/. Mostly I hate it because I have to make the best out of a body that was destroyed by T. Which will be both expensive and painful :(.


It would have been alot better and easier if I was born female from the start.

There was a time when I used to.

But then I realised that hating something doesn't change it, or make it go away. It just makes you feel bad. And there are enough things in this life to do that already without adding to the list. So now my philosophy is "it is what it is. Deal with it."

Yes.

Edit: It is interesting the shift in perspective that a year of transition gives. Basically I would agree with Seph now. I just deal with it.

If life gives you lemons... Shape them until they look like oranges.


Not really. It's going to be a pain with all the meds and surgeries, but knowing I won't have to live the rest of my life as a shell of a man? Totally worth it. In fact, seeing as it is forcing me to restart my life, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can embrace it, and I don't have regrets or things to lose. I will keep hating the parts of my body that are already destroyed, but at least I can save something.


Oh yes. TG, not TS, for now.

Absolutely yes, I hate it. I wished I'd had a masculine gender identity to go with my male body. Being trans cost me my marriage.

Sometimes I hate, sometimes it's interesting, sometimes I don't think so much about it.

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

I am less transsexual than transgendered, but it has taken me a long time to come to grips with it.
Accepting myself, for what I am, and for all my complexities, has helped bring me peace of mind.

I try to change what I can, and cope with what I can't.

I used to. But then I moved forward in my mind, realising that hating it does nothing but depress me, since I can't do anything about it, and that in the end, it's not -so- bad.

Now I just dislike it. Perhaps later, when I truly find happiness, I'll get to the point of not minding it.

Quote from: A on August 23, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
since I can't do anything about it, and that in the end, it's not -so- bad.

Ditto. Although since I see myself in the middle, it is not as bad as if was truly transexual to the limit. I can accept being a mixture of chaaracteristics. If I were a genetic woman, I'd probably have dysphoria too.

I am what I am. I hate that I made the decision to wait so long to do something about it. I don't really hate that I'm trans. I was meant to be, I've accepted that. The only thing I'm mad at is myself for being so chicken to wait til I'm 30 to be who I am.

I want to go back to being 6 again and start the process. I could have my whole life back that *I* threw away. That's what sucks. It's knowing what the biggest mistake of your life is and kicking yourself.

But all things considered, I lucked out. I count my blessings a million times over. I had no choice to be trans, but life has granted me a second hope and I'm lucky to have such a relatively calm transition. It's definitely not so easy for most of us. I can totally understand how some absolutely hate it. I feel the most for them, it must be extremely difficult.

Quote from: Laura91 on August 23, 2012, 04:16:39 PM
Yeah, I agree with this. It would have been nice to have transitioned at a young age. But I DID try to drop as many friggin hints as I could between ages 4 and 12 in the hopes that someone would figure it out (short of running in the damn living room and screaming "I'M A GIRL!!" but everyone thought it "was a phase".

Yeah..real perceptive.  ::)

I didn't even have the guts to do that... that's what I hate about my choices. I thought "OMG my family is gonna hate me, people at school are gonna beat me up (even though they made fun of me for being a tiny lil girly boy anyways), my uncles are gonna kick my ass!"

I don't hate being trans. But I do hate that other people hate me being trans, without even knowing me. That's what I hate.

Hah, Alaina, if it can make you feel better about yourself, I did worse.

At 11 years old, a paedopsychiatrist asked me outright whether I would prefer to be a girl, and I said no, that I was just a guy who preferred girls' activities, because I thought transsexuals were disgusting (thanks dad for bending the malleable me to wrong beliefs!) and I preferred to wait until some magic or spirit turned me into a girl.

And when I stopped believing in that, around 18 years old, my psychologist and doctors made me wait until 4 days before my 21st birthday to give me HRT.

So you might have ended up starting older than me, but I sure made myself run a lot later than you from sheer will alone! :p

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on August 23, 2012, 04:24:19 PM
I didn't even have the guts to do that... that's what I hate about my choices. I thought "OMG my family is gonna hate me, people at school are gonna beat me up (even though they made fun of me for being a tiny lil girly boy anyways), my uncles are gonna kick my ass!"

This. I stuck it out in my useless glass closet for way too long, terrified of saying anything. Really that's what I hate more than the discrepancy I was born with. If I'd had the courage to deal with this stuff earlier, I wouldn't be nearly so screwed up, wouldn't have managed to screw myself up so much.

I guess at some point I will get over it and move on, but right now it is still too close. I mean, mostly things are good, things are great really. But thinking about those years where everything was so wrong still makes me want to break things. I'm still angry and bitter and scarred.

And really, I think that's fair. I think I need some time to hurt, to be hurt. When it was happening I was too busy trying to keep breathing to do anything else. I don't think it's even sane to just walk away from those years like they were nothing. Like I'm all fine now. I'm not fine. But I'm working on it.

No, not in the slightest. If I'd not been born transexual then I'd not have had the experiences I have which means I wouldn't have learned enough to have the strength to acknowledge that I'm transexual. Now I've done that everything else is easy.

Love,

Rosie.

Another vote from someone who identifies as TG, I love it!

For me it is a love/hate relationship. No way around it, being trans suck. But there isn't anything you can do to change being trans, or to totally ignore it. Believe me I tried for decades!

Now, as I have come to a much greater acceptance of myself, I see in many ways how being trans actually makes me a better person. Empowering even.

What I hate about it now is sitting on this barbed wire fence. Both sides have their lush green pasteurs as well as their mires. In a perfect world I would finally climb over the top and down the otherside. In my 2 previous attempts I stopped as soon as I saw the wire. Now I am well entangled in it. While I am leaning heavily towards one side, it may mean a lot more hurt. Not knowing which way to go I hate. But not as much as I hate being entangled and the bloody mess I am making of myself while stuck here

If I had a choice in the matter, I would not want to be transsexual.  But I am what I am and I am changing to what I am.  A woman.

 I value the experiences and memories I've formed. I enjoy my own little world, and I've grown to like all the emotions I've felt.

... but, if I were born female, then I would have a shot at being normal. I would hope that my philosophy still ends up at, roughly, the same spot it is now. I would be happy, and I would enjoy being happy. I might still not have friends, but it's likely that I would.

And because of that, I hate being transsexual with everything I am. If I could leave a note to myself, if I could be reborn, then I wouldn't have any reservations. I mean, the trans thing is great and all, but it's a miserable, self-destructive ride a lot of the time. It damages my psyche like nothing else, and a big part of that is my age and the fact that... I simply can't compete with my peers in terms of appearance. Should that matter? Well, no. But it's demoralizing, mostly when other trans people come into my life. And, well... it sucks not quite fitting in, I guess.

Anyway, rambleramble, I'm done.

The answer is yes.

TessaM: Nope, I don't live in Montréal. Think north and annoying mayor. :p What you've read must've been about me visiting my sister who lives there. So I have no idea what sort of program you're talking about.

But actually, the specialised psychiatrist, once I started the appointments, "only" took a year to refer me to the endo. The other two years were my psychologist wanting to talk it out, then my doctor wanting me to come out to my family beforehand, then the psychiatrists wanting me to work on my depression and other life issues beforehand, then the waiting list for a referral.

And Polly Pockets... Hah, I used to play with those all the time. I guess they were our generation's Barbies..? Though I didn't have to ask; I used my sister's old ones. And strangely enough, my male friend loved them too. Hmm, I wonder if there was something wrong with him too. :p

Quote from: TessaM on August 23, 2012, 06:13:42 PM
I do NOT hate my life, nor do I hate being trans. I love myself, and I love everything that ive accomplished for both myself and others. Were taught by society to hate ourselves and people who are different. It is up to us, one soul at a time, to contribute to changing this world in a positive manner. For the next generation. One day, people will say they are getting married, and we wont even think if its to a man or to a woman. The thought wont even cross our minds. Well just think so and so is marying someone whom they must love. One day, transexuality will be taught in schools to preschool kids, and anyone who feels different will be able to take the appropriate steps at a young age in order to feel better and more comfortable about themselves. Until that day comes, we must stand with our heads high and proud, and stand up for our rights and one another. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I once too hated being trans, but where is that going to take you. Thats like hating the fact that your Italian, or black, or straight. Its just a genetic lottery. You are who you are.

+1000 And very eloquently put.  :eusa_clap:

Quote from: Padma on August 23, 2012, 04:45:16 PM
I don't hate being trans. But I do hate that other people hate me being trans, without even knowing me. That's what I hate.

This.
Padma, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I first began a transition at age 27.  I loved it, but after 7 months abandoned it because of feeling too alone and scared.  Sometimes, we choose what we're merely used to (old habits die hard...) over what we really want -- instead of honoring who we really are.

After 6 more years' frustration and feeling that my body simply did not match my spirit (i.e., more lost years...), I finally made a transition for real.

My SRS was in 1985 (MtoF).  I'm now 64 years old.  Yet, this week, today and for the last few days, this is the very FIRST week in my life when I have acknowledged to anyone -- meaning you wonderful people -- that I am transgendered.  I grew up so hating myself and being phobic about that word "transsexual" that I carried those biases (including against myself!) with me for decades.  (more lost years, more self-pity....)

If I hadn't hated being TG at the time, I would not have moved away from everyone I knew, would not have abandoned my successful career, in order to make the transition in secret.  If I hadn't hated being TG at the time, I would not have avoided being part of the TG community for all these decades and so would not have remained so alone.

So, I guess my honest answer has to be "yes, I did hate being TG" for way too long.  Such a pity, such a waste, eh?  As everyone before me has said far better, we are what we are.  The sooner we accept that, learn to love that, the sooner we can find true happiness.

Thank you all for Susan's Place.

I don't feel I hate being transsexual, but I hate not being a born a female because transition sucks! I to wished that I should have transitioned earlier in life, But those feelings quickly fade. I have a beautiful daughter and a loving spouse both of which I would never have had I transitioned earlier in life. Sure the "T" has made it more of a pain and more painful to transition, but I would not want to give up whats truly important to me in order to look better. Looks fade on everyone eventually, but true love and family never do. I have endured so much pain in my life and now it seems that I'm so close to living free that to me that is the greatest feeling in the world. When I do finally transition to a woman mind, body and sole I will be complete and have the life and family I deserve. Then and only then will I truly be happy, but for now It's still and goal, a dream. It's what I've waited my entire life for.

~Rea

There's too many good ways to look at life in this thread. I love you all  :icon_tears: <<< happy huggy like tears!

I took a lil too much E tonight lol.

But really... It's important for us to realize that we may be the last frontier for civil rights. It's important, imo, for at least a good amount of us to stick our heads up and say not only are we trans, but we are wonderful, productive human beings that are fun to be around. Fighting stigma is something this group has to do at some point unless we want every generation living after us to experience just as difficult of a life as we do. I agree with Tessa so much.

Being trans is also a blessing, as Kelly says (in certain words). We get a perspective on life that nobody else has the chance to... and that's to experience life as both genders. We know better than anybody else what the social atmospheres are in both genders. At the end of our lives (the ones that transition, at least... and the ones that transition after  puberty at that) we will learn much, much more about life than most people will. There's always a silver lining :)

I'm trans for a reason. I have a good feeling of what those reasons are. My spirit needed to be trans. I think I've learned what I needed to learn from being trans and it's a WONDERFUL feeling. I hate that it took this long to learn them but ... better now than later and be even more bitter :)

Saw this thread and had to log in.  First, this is just about me, and I'm not jealous or mad that others have come to terms with a trans self.  So Tessa, I'm very happly for you and all the other girls who have always identified as female, and all those who are newly able to identify as a girl or woman (depends on age). 

I despise being trans, and birth as a boy with a girl somewhere in my mind must have been a planned mistake to mess with my head.  At some pont every day I wish I could experienced an entirely different life as female from birth.  With so many questions about why things have to be this way, there will never be a complete exlaination.  In the past I've denied my problems, lied about it, tried to trust religion, hurt myself, lived in isolation, got mad at everyone else, and even became an alcoholic and used drugs at an early age.   So now I guess reincarnation is as good as anything else, and my last life must have been female.  LOL.   In any case I can daydream forever, and alas, nothing changes, so hormones are now my salvation.

But even with all that's bad, there is so much beauty in this ugly and screwed up life.  There are really good people in the world, and I've learned more about myself and others than expected.  And just "being" gets me through troubled times, weather there is an explaination or not.

Kathy

I don't hate it, I look at it as both a blessing and a curse. It makes me the person I am and without it I would not be me. It is a path of life that few tread and even fewer survive. I see it as a chance to grow as a unique individual and just perhaps make a difference in the world for future generations of trans people. It is a burden, but it is a burden we must carry so that one day questions like these will never be asked in the first place.

It reminds me of a scene from the Lord of the Rings where Frodo relents for having been the one to bear the ring

Frodo: "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

i hate being human ..........

Quote from: mementomori on August 24, 2012, 12:54:07 AM
i hate being human ..........

It's probably the best thing to be on this planet i'm afraid.

Frankly I would rather have been totally cis-male or cis-female, rather than TS, but this is the situation I am in and I will deal with it.
I don't hate my body or being TS, it really doesn't come into it.  I am trying to find ways to use my gender identity to help me grow as a person and work out how it gives my life it's particular meaning.  As suicide is not an answer, I am committed to making the best of the life ahead of me, hard as it is at times. 
There are good times too, like this morning lying in bed and revelling in the feeling of being a woman.  I am trying to understand how I could have missed the feeling of one breast lying on the other, as I lay on my side, when I haven't had any until a year ago.  It just felt right.

Karen.

What a few people have said.  I would rather that I had been born cis, but I wasn't. I'm mostly stealth, mostly because it's basically no one's business, but being transsexual will always be a part of my history that I feel deserves to be honored, even if in some small way.  But being trans is definitely frustrating, and it's a battle that is often hard-fought and hard-won.  I don't hate it, but it does frustrate me sometimes. 

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on August 24, 2012, 12:58:58 AM
It's probably the best thing to be on this planet i'm afraid.

i dont know animals just live for the day , and for survival , we humans have to overcomplicate everything to the point of insanity :P

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

Believe me.... WE ALL understand that! Even though I had GRS a long time ago, there are times I would have been born right the first time. But then reason prevails. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for the sum of my experiences. From all the crappiest dung heaps piled on me, came my strongest and most brilliant efforts. I'm proud of my accomplishments and the positives I've been able to make in the world. I am most humbled by those who have helped me along the way. None of that would have happened. I'm generally happy with my life.

Quote from: mementomori on August 24, 2012, 03:08:40 AM
i dont know animals just live for the day , and for survival , we humans have to overcomplicate everything to the point of insanity :P

I much prefer the human experience.

It helps if you accept that we're both human and animal at the same time :).

If I ever feel anything like hate towards my transness, it's actually just animal fear kicking in. And only my human self can love that away.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on August 24, 2012, 03:41:03 AM
Believe me.... WE ALL understand that! Even though I had GRS a long time ago, there are times I would have been born right the first time. But then reason prevails. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for the sum of my experiences. From all the crappiest dung heaps piled on me, came my strongest and most brilliant efforts. I'm proud of my accomplishments and the positives I've been able to make in the world. I am most humbled by those who have helped me along the way. None of that would have happened. I'm generally happy with my life.

You are lucky you had people to help you. I've felt completely alone and without support (both in a medical and personal capacity) which has been the hardest part of being transsexual.

  I hated it with a passion!  It was the major thing that caused a lot of discord in my life.  I tried to get help in the late 1970's, the shrink said no.  What happened?  I got a job that lasted nearly 20 years and I bought a new house and forbade women's clothing in this house since.  I was expected by relatives to fill a male role.  I did not date at all because I did not want to hurt the woman I would fall in love with any disclosure of this.  After nearly two years on HRT, I am still attracted to women. 
  I had a lot of nights waking up at 2 am, with these traditional expectations of me by myself and from others who impress those on me and my transgender side duking it out in my head.  Only two to four hours of sleep during those times. 
  The HRT came about with my fear from a four-year blood test indication of a possible cancer without a doctor's care because of finances.  It is one of the treatments for this type of cancer anyway. So, why not? 
  My self-loathing went away in about 2 1/2 months on this stuff.  I am beginning to realize that I do not hate myself anymore being transgendered.  My case is brittle, but not mild, compared to the most of you I read on this and in other forums.  I get the same complaint of those who call themselves androgyne after getting on HRT and it causing a calming so much that you wanted to crossdress before and now you don't.  And some of you tried to reverse this process, but ending up in the same hell as before. 

  Therein lies the rub....

  Joelene

It would have been simpler to be a cisgirl, but what's life without a few complications?

I don't hate it, it's given me a broader experience of the gender spectrum.

I gotta say I'm not a fan of being trans!  But, I think I'm this way for a reason.  There lessons to be learned from every obstacle in life.  ...still doesn't make it any easier, though!

What a great question!

And the obvious answer is 'Yes', I really f***in' hate it. More than anything I wish I'd been born a girl. Next to that I wish I'd had the courage, or freedom, or whatever it took to transition when I was still young enough to make a great job of it and live my whole life as a woman. If I could have started on hormones at 15, I would have ... and who knows what might have happened then?

Failing that, I wish I'd been a regular, boring guy-who's-happy-to-be-a-guy. I wish I could have enjoyed the male body nature gave me, because it's a pretty good body, if you like or want that kind of thing. You girls will understand the irony when I say I was born with a cock any 'normal' guy would kill for ... Damn thing was wasted on me - I'd have killed not have been bothered with it at all! :)

So that's the 'hate' side of the ledger ... but then I have to look at my life as a whole ...

In every other way, I've been incredibly blessed. I've had interesting, creative, challenging work all my life. I have wonderful friends. Above all I married a fantastic, beautiful, incredibly tolerant woman with whom I've had three great children. The last of those children is the reason I'm STILL postponing transition ... he's 14, just at an age when he's coming to terms with his own identity and sexuality. He's had to live through some serious family crises in the past few years and as a parent, one of the people who brought him into this world, I just think it would be wrong to add to his problems. If that means sacrificing or at least postponing my most heartfelt desires, well, that's part of the deal of being a parent: you put your kids first.

My point is, we all have to see ourselves and our lives in the round. I know I'm transsexual. My wife knows ... most of my closest friends know. I'm not ashamed of it, though I am ashamed of the grief my wife has had to suffer in our marriage because of it (though there has been love, joy and fun in our lives as well) ... I just try to accept that it's the one major problem in a life that's otherwise incredibly privileged. Other people have things far, far worse.

So, yes, I wish I wasn't transsexual. But do I hate my life? Absolutely not.

No, I don't HATE it, it is my life after all --- sure as hell it makes me sad, very sad at times.
Like today... YOGA had got me in touch with some "stuff" and then Sinatra's "I did it my way" never fails to bath me in tears.

Feeling like some hormonal mess, I keep crying... it happens.

No, but hate, no I don't like that, don't want to either...

Sometimes we just need to be hugged... a girl thing? Maybe.

Axélle

You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 10:45:42 AM
You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

No need to apologize, Kathy. If you can't vent to your sisters on Susan's, where can you? And thanks for being so sweet about my post! x

PS: My heart went out to you when I read about your son. I know only too well how terrible it is to live with ones children's afflictions and how desperately responsible one feels. Just let him know that he is loved. In the end, that's what really counts.

Thank you Carlita.  But I had no right to vent like that.  Now after reading my post again it seems full of self pitty, self indulgence and stupidity.  So thanks for overlooking my faults.

It's time to get out of the house and keep busy doing yard work. 

Kathy: you had every right to vent like that.  Sometimes, these are the only avenues we have available to us.  Don't be afraid to avail yourself of them if you need them : )

Double plus thumbs up for your vent Kathy. You've got every right to express your anguish and frustration, one of the lovely things about Susan's seems to be that we've all had to go AAARRRRRGGGHHH! at some point and everyone seems to recognise that and understand.

Love,

Rosie

Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 10:45:42 AM
You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

Be very very glad you got to spend your life with your children.. Some of us haven't that fortune  ;)

Quote from: Amazon D on August 24, 2012, 04:29:41 PM
Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Yes, the irony of this is not lost on me.

Thank you Erica, Rosie and Amazon D.  Some emotional stuff is happening on HRT that I didn't expect.  But we all need criticism also, otherwise we can't correct our faults and grow.  So to all of you, call me on it if the rants aren't justified or seem misplaced.

Oh yeah.  And tell me if it's off track like it is here.  This is supposed to be "Do you hate being transsexual".   My straight froward answer is:  I'd take the cure tomorrow if they had one.  Just to be male or female, 100% with no dysphoria.

Love, K

Quote from: Amazon D on August 24, 2012, 04:29:41 PM
Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Well put.  As I was taught, "Time wounds all heels".
  Joelene

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 04:51:23 PM
This is supposed to be "Do you hate being transsexual".   My straight froward answer is:  I'd take the cure tomorrow if they had one.  Just to be male or female, 100% with no dysphoria.

Love, K

This.

But I'd take the magic pill that gives you a perfect instant overnight transition even faster!  :)

It took me a couple of days to read through all of this because I still have a lot of self-imposed trauma around this issue.  To be honest, if I still hated being transsexual, I'd be dead. Self-acceptance was probably the biggest shift in my life and learning to love myself was an even bigger step. Experiencing the unconditional love and support from my family and friends is something I could never imagine or dream of and I'll never be able to adequately express it in words.

Being trans* has had it's ups and downs, and transition is at least a hassle and a half. But it beats the shame, fear, loss and grief, the products of my self-hatred, that would have ended me. Transitioning in my mid-30s while watching all the young and amazing women on this site push through it as if it were nothing can get me down. Could I have done this 20 years ago? Well no, or I would have. So lamenting that is a waste of time for me. Do I think it's easier to transition today than it was 20 years ago? Possibly, probably. Would I like a do-over? Sure! Am I grateful that I'm able to transition and that it's been as good as it has been so far? Very much so. :)

One thing I have noticed Kathy is that instead of taking ages to get upset about something and then stewing over it for days, since starting HRT I blow up and then it is all over.  It is a lot less tiring to deal with things this way.
According to a dear friend, it is just another sign that I am a woman. So, I don't argue with my girlfriends.  ;D

Karen.

Quote from: ShawnaB on August 25, 2012, 05:28:27 AM
To be honest, if I still hated being transsexual, I'd be dead.

I'm not dead for various reasons.

I feel honor-bound to help my ex-wife pay off our shared debt, and I'm fairly certain that my life insurance policy (which still names her as the beneficiary due to said shared debt) would be null and void if I killed myself.

I'm also not dead because I think my kids would be greatly harmed by my death, especially if it was suicide.

I'm in a really strange place. I'm both happier and unhappier than I've ever been in my entire life right now.

Yep.
It's not really the difficulty of transitioning that I can't stand, but how much it's going to cost me.
If I ever can fully transition and do, then I won't mind it. I mean sure, I might not be a fan of my past but if I can live the rest of my life without that in my way then that's okay.

Well, that and having to tell all my family "oh hey. Look. I have boobs. I'm a woman. Get used to it."

The problem is I'm a pretty happy person. I just hate going anywhere outside of the house because I feel like the outside world is a gigantic mirror.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on August 24, 2012, 04:58:39 AM
You are lucky you had people to help you. I've felt completely alone and without support (both in a medical and personal capacity) which has been the hardest part of being transsexual.

I had very little help when I began transition. In fact, I was actively persecuted by the Mormon church. My family threw me out. My church threw me out.  And the company where I worked threw me out.  When you're that low, the only direction you can go is up.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on August 25, 2012, 11:35:46 PM
I had very little help when I began transition. In fact, I was actively persecuted by the Mormon church. My family threw me out. My church threw me out.  And the company where I worked threw me out.  When you're that low, the only direction you can go is up.

I no longer associate with my "birth family"; but the family I've made - my wife, my daughter, and my best friend (my ex-wife) are all incredibly helpful and supportive.  I'm not big on church, my parents didn't go so I only went if I was with my grandparents; and now I attend a couple of times a year with my mother/father-in law only.  As far as the company I work for - that's still up in the air at the moment.  My boss seems to be trying to understand, but the majority owner I think would prefer if I sought life elsewhere. 

I've received plenty of support here, from my therapist, and the couple of friends I've told so between them and my family I consider myself lucky.  I can't imagine trying to have pursued transitioning with no support - I'm not sure that I could've done that.

Madison

I don't hate being TG (or TS if the two are mutually exclusive) but I do hate that other people fear or despise me. I just don't understand how any human being can hate another for having been born with a condition that needs correcting. All my life I've been both boy and girl, happily watching rugby on TV when there was a big game on, playing with toy cars and trucs in the sand, or playing house with dolls and dressing up. I am who I am. I don't hate myself, I just wish when I was a teenager I'd had the courage to tell people why I was being beaten up at school rather than make excuses and trying harder to be male. But I don't hate who I am, and I think my transition will be wonderful, I'm already finally being able to express myself the way that feels most natural. Now I just avoid people who hate me for a condition I was born with that needs correcting.

I hate the effect it had on my social skills and confidence in pre-transition days. I thought transitioning would fix these things, and it has to a certain extent. But I still feel incapable of doing what many other people take for granted, such as the ability to meet and socialise with new people, to enjoy myself in a bar without feeling self-conscious, to go out dancing. I avoided all of these things as a teenager and in my twenties. That's why i hate being transsexual, i feel it robbed me of the experience of feeling comfortable with myself and my appearance for most of my life. I might have had other problems as a natal female, but I don't think they would have been as serious as the lack of self-confidence that transsexualism brought with it.

Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 03:00:23 AM
I hate the effect it had on my social skills and confidence in pre-transition days. I thought transitioning would fix these things, and it has to a certain extent. But I still feel incapable of doing what many other people take for granted, such as the ability to meet and socialise with new people, to enjoy myself in a bar without feeling self-conscious, to go out dancing. I avoided all of these things as a teenager and in my twenties. That's why i hate being transsexual, i feel it robbed me of the experience of feeling comfortable with myself and my appearance for most of my life. I might have had other problems as a natal female, but I don't think they would have been as serious as the lack of self-confidence that transsexualism brought with it.

It sounds to me from your blog that you may just be introverted. Honestly, I'm the exact same way. It has its advantages and disadvanteges, but its something you're born to be.

Thanks for reading  :)

Actually introverted is the last thing people would say about me, I suppose it's because they mostly see me when I am in a very extroverted mood, and I tend to hide away when i'm not. I really don't want to be like that, hiding away from meeting people, but there are some days when i can do it and others when i just can't handle it at all. 

I should have qualified that my emotions aren't really constant, but that a lack of self-confidence has come back to haunt me in the last week or so and especially in the last few days when I've been posting a lot of things. there was a period at the beginning of transition when i thought I had finally broken away from introverted moods altogether, but they came back about three months after going full-time, and when they did I felt devastated, as if transition had changed nothing. Maybe I shouldn't blame it on transsexualism. I think it has its roots in a dysfunctional teenage period, though.

Looking at it the other way ... how about the GOOD things about being a transsexual?

Here are some of mine ...

When I was young and could pass as a boy or a girl, I loved being able to flit from one side of the gender-boundary to another - like an undercover double-agent!

As a writer, it really helps me create believable female characters, write convincing sex scenes from a female point of view etc ... tho I do sometimes have trouble with my male protagonists!

I love the fact that - like Guapa said - I can enjoy 'boy things' and 'girl things' ... I'm crazy about sport and military history and the business pages ... AND I love fashion, interior design, girly chit-chat. You don't have to be TS to be like that - but it helps!

And finally, if I weren't TS, I'd just be another pampered WASP ... I actually welcome the fact that in one part of my life at least I know what it feels like to be in a misunderstood minority. I read 'sex-change shock' headlines in the papers, or hear people talking about 'trannies' and as much as it hurts or angers me, it also reminds me that so many other people have to live under oppression or discrimination that is a thousand times worse than I've ever suffered, and maybe I shouldn't be too quick to patronise, judge or criticise them, either.

Carlita and Tessa.  Your positive attitudes are contagious.  I'm going to just go to the lake and enjoy nature for the day. 

Thanks.  K

Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 04:39:59 AM
Thanks for reading  :)

Actually introverted is the last thing people would say about me, I suppose it's because they mostly see me when I am in a very extroverted mood, and I tend to hide away when i'm not. I really don't want to be like that, hiding away from meeting people, but there are some days when i can do it and others when i just can't handle it at all. 

I should have qualified that my emotions aren't really constant, but that a lack of self-confidence has come back to haunt me in the last week or so and especially in the last few days when I've been posting a lot of things. there was a period at the beginning of transition when i thought I had finally broken away from introverted moods altogether, but they came back about three months after going full-time, and when they did I felt devastated, as if transition had changed nothing. Maybe I shouldn't blame it on transsexualism. I think it has its roots in a dysfunctional teenage period, though.

Well introverts tend to do very well in one on one and small group social situations and many people that know me would say i'm very outgoing but that's because they know me in situations like those. When I go to large social gathering such as parties or crowded places I tend to completely freeze up and become anxious.

Anyways it sounds like you are worrying a lot about how others perceive you, honestly the most important thing is how you perceive yourself. Other peoples opinions and perceptions have only as much credibility as you give them. Its really easy to focus on the negatives when you have a negative perception of yourself even when they are not there, you will formulate them in your mind and it will wear you down. It reminds me of one MtF in a support group I attend who was distressed because she perceived negatives in compliments from others in her day to day life that were simply formulated by her mind. She would tell us that people who say things like "You are so pretty" but in her mind she heard "You are so pretty, for a man in a dress" even though that was not what the person had said. We assured her that even IF in the back of that persons mind that was what they were thinking, at least they had enough respect for her to compliment her and show support and that was what was important.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on August 26, 2012, 11:20:39 AMIts really easy to focus on the negatives when you have a negative perception of yourself even when they are not there, you will formulate them in your mind and it will wear you down. It reminds me of one MtF in a support group I attend who was distressed because she perceived negatives in compliments from others in her day to day life that were simply formulated by her mind. She would tell us that people who say things like "You are so pretty" but in her mind she heard "You are so pretty, for a man in a dress" even though that was not what the person had said. We assured her that even IF in the back of that persons mind that was what they were thinking, at least they had enough respect for her to compliment her and show support and that was what was important.

Do you think this might actually be a sign of femaleness - either inherent, or engendered by HRT and transition?

I only ask because that habit of adding negative subtext to a statement is a very classic, self-punishing female trait. There was a story in the press recently about 'things men shouldn't say to women'. One of them was, 'You look well.' The chances are that any man saying that to a woman does so because she seems healthy, full of life and energy and it's meant to be a compliment. But according to the psychologists who'd done the study on which this report was based, what women actually heard was, 'You look fat.' They thought 'well' was a polite way of saying 'overweight'. Guys, of course, think 'well' means, uh ... 'well'!

So the good news, Kadri is that you may not be introverted. You may just be a chick!  :) *



* See, I'm trying to maintain that positive vibe!

I hate the word transsexual.

I am a woman, not some freak in between male and female(NO ONE HERE IS).  Only difference between me and other woman is I was born with testicles rather than ovaries which means I have a freakish testosterone hormonal balance that must be offset with estrogen and t-blockers.

I believe everyone who comes here presenting as a MtF is a woman.  A true to life woman, not a transsexual, not someone in between.  Just a woman born with a chromosome placed in the wrong spot.  No matter now burlish, or masculine you look due to testosterone you are still a WOMAN.

I believe the notion of being a transsexual holds us back emotionally.  And it should not be our centrifuge of concentration.  The idea that we were once men... we never were men.

We have to be proud woman, because the world doesn't expect us to.  They expect us to be men, trying to be woman. 

This notion is not an overnight eureka, this has been years of thought and pain.  To finally a realization... Once I accepted that I was not a transsexual but a warm blooded woman I felt inner peace.  (obviously the world is not as kind as one can be to themselves)

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

thats how anyone should feel honey. Were women, (and men) sorry don't want to exclude the FTMs here, but not anything "else" the word TS is a control label to identify us in society, and put us in our place.

I never rly ever saw myself as "TS" but always as a woman. Being born a natal female than what I went through would of course of been preferred. MEH No one "wants" to be TS, seriously ?!...

Catherine x

Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

Quote from: Padma on September 06, 2012, 03:54:28 PM
Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

I would hope not.  I think everyone at some point identifies with ideals that others might construe as relating to the opposite gender.  To be honest, it is a really interesting dicotomy, this binaristic point of view versus the more holostic ideas.  I go through both states of mind all the time and it really is a paradox.  Noone is completely one or the other, we are all completely human.  All humans are genetically male, or female (the mere presence of a y chromosome makes one genetically male, and lack thereof female); but never completely either mentally.  Again, I dont know where I am going with this part of my life, but trust me, there are times when I feel female and times when I wish I was either more male or female and therefore didnt have to ponder these questions.  If that sounds confusing, trust me, it sure is.  The weird thing is that I keep jumping between the 2, never wanting to be both.  I dont want the words of someone inexperienced to darken consel, but I dont hate who I am.

Quote from: Padma on September 06, 2012, 03:54:28 PM
Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

Count me there. I still see myself as an amalgam of the two genders, and quite happy about it.

Maybe you should get into to see a gender therapist who can help you sort this out. You could be bi gender or transgender.

YES! And, I wouldn't even be bothered if I was male, so long as I was something entirely. This halfway rubbish is not good.

My first appointment is in November. Mentally I would classify as non-binary and transgender (although others have told me I am a bit more on the transexual side) is how I see myself at this point, but you never now how things can change when you start breaking denial walls. When it comes to the body, I want to get rid of this man aspect as much as possible, and put those two "poison factories" out of work. At first SRS scared me, but now it feels as the correct final step... When I am ready, of course.

i not liking it. i get why they say 30 for me. will be happy when that time comes.

is not important. 30 maybe sooner or later. is all the same. still will be free

Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 06:53:55 PM
is not important. 30 maybe sooner or later. is all the same. still will be free

What? Are you talking about an age? What do you mean by "still will be free."

nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

I did at one point. However like someone said earlier, hate won't change that. Once I realized it allowed me to see through two sets of eyes the world became so much more interesting. Life is strange, I guess in a way I've been blessed to see it differently and realize it could be so much worse for me.

Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 07:36:57 PM
nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

do you feel like you want to live as male again?

Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 07:36:57 PM
nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

Who cares what the doctor says. What do you say?

Don't let someone else think for you, especially if they are audacious enough to tell you that you wont live past 30. It doesn't sound like this doctor is healthy for you.

Can you be more specific about what is causing you to hate yourself? Please tell me what you think it is and not what your doctor thinks.

I do think it can be a pain in the butt sometimes.

Live as male? Now I say no
Idk what all is wrong. Just hate me. Feeling even my existence is wrong.  Like I must punish myself. He does the thinking for me so I live a little longer. I Trying to stay out of state hospital. I never ever want to go. I would die before going...

I probably used too strong a word, but that is also how the world see's us. 

Being androgynous is not a sin, and we all have experienced a portion of life that would of never been accomplished if we were born XX.  That much cannot be changed.

Quote from: Rita on September 06, 2012, 02:23:45 PM
I hate the word transsexual.

I am a woman, not some freak in between male and female(NO ONE HERE IS).  Only difference between me and other woman is I was born with testicles rather than ovaries which means I have a freakish testosterone hormonal balance that must be offset with estrogen and t-blockers.

I believe everyone who comes here presenting as a MtF is a woman.  A true to life woman, not a transsexual, not someone in between.  Just a woman born with a chromosome placed in the wrong spot.  No matter now burlish, or masculine you look due to testosterone you are still a WOMAN.

I believe the notion of being a transsexual holds us back emotionally.  And it should not be our centrifuge of concentration.  The idea that we were once men... we never were men.

We have to be proud woman, because the world doesn't expect us to.  They expect us to be men, trying to be woman. 

This notion is not an overnight eureka, this has been years of thought and pain.  To finally a realization... Once I accepted that I was not a transsexual but a warm blooded woman I felt inner peace.  (obviously the world is not as kind as one can be to themselves)

This may be your truth and your experience, Rita and I absolutely respect your right to it .. but it isn't mine. And it may not be other people's.

My personal, individual feeling is that I cannot say that I am a woman now. I was born with a male body and male chromosomes, educated and socialized to be male, married a woman, fathered three children and have always been accepted and treated throughout my entire life on this planet as a male.

By any objective judgement, I'm a man. And so I have never been able to say, 'I am female.' Not as I am.

BUT ... What makes me transsexual is the lifelong conviction that my present existence is in some way not authentic or true .... that I would be happier if I could live, dress, talk, love, exist, whatever as a woman ... that I would feel totally natural as a woman ... and the knowledge that on the rare occasions I have been able to enter the world in convincing female disguise and been treated as a woman I have felt joyful and liberated.

So I do not define myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. But I can absolutely imagine myself as a woman freed from a man's body ... It sounds like a tiny difference, but its actually quite a significantly different philosophical perspective.

But, as I say, that's just my truth. I think we all have a great deal in common. Yet we all have our own, entirely individual definition of who we are, what gender we are, and how we wish to live our lives.

Quote from: Carlita on September 07, 2012, 06:19:39 AM
My personal, individual feeling is that I cannot say that I am a woman now. I was born with a male body and male chromosomes, educated and socialized to be male, married a woman, fathered three children and have always been accepted and treated throughout my entire life on this planet as a male.

So I do not define myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. But I can absolutely imagine myself as a woman freed from a man's body ... It sounds like a tiny difference, but its actually quite a significantly different philosophical perspective.

Quoting Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe: The Movie:  "I was once...a man!"

For me it's been like a slow evolution. When I was a kid thinking of having been born a woman was nauseating. Ok, maybe a bit pissed off about gender roles and divisions, but not a lot else. And now that the mind has changed after maturation, it's time for the body.

I only dislike the term "transsexual" and sounds incredibly insulting. I am just me, and I have never been able to fit in a mold. I'm not going to hate my past or try to negate it. "I always was a woman" would be another lie, and I hate lying. On the other side, I have had enough of being a man. I tried and it was a sad experience. The androgyne thing would have worked several years ago, but not now.



Although you know, for years I've felt like a blank slate, unopened, "still in blister", thanks to not having a social life. When I finally started, all the doubts finally appeared.

Quote from: Carlita on September 07, 2012, 06:19:39 AM
BUT ... What makes me transsexual is the lifelong conviction that my present existence is in some way not authentic or true

Carlita, thanks for posting this. This is exactly the way I feel.

I know other people feel differently and their experience is just as valid. But I no longer think it's useful to try to find a label to define my gender. Far more useful is to find a genuine way to live my life.

Quote from: agfrommd on September 07, 2012, 07:45:27 AM

Carlita, thanks for posting this. This is exactly the way I feel.

I know other people feel differently and their experience is just as valid. But I no longer think it's useful to try to find a label to define my gender. Far more useful is to find a genuine way to live my life.

It's funny, I was watching the Paralympics opening ceremony, 10 days ago and one of the songs in the show was 'I am what I am' ... it comes from La Cage Au Folles, I think. Anyway, I'd always just thought of it as kind of a silly, camp disco hit from way back when I was going out dancing wearing an awful lot of make-up -  ;) - but the more I listened to the lyrics, the more they spoke to my situation right now and the need to be honest and true.

Then, watching the incredible performances by athletes who had had to overcome such adversity in their lives, but who still have so much will to win, so much faith in their ability to make the most of what life has dealt them, those words kept coming back to me. And I really think that they're relevant to this debate now. So here they are:

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out
I am what I am

There is part of me that hates having to go through all this stress and all these expenses to become the person that I want to be, wishing that I was born that way,  or at least been able to do something about it sooner, but there's the other part that's somewhat glad things turned out the way they did. All the bullying I had to endure, all the loneliness and self-loathing I went through, I feel as though it has made me a better person. My mother (who doesn't know yet) says one of the things she loves about me is how caring I am about other people, and I think it's because everything I've been through has given me a profound sense of empathy. If I had been born female, thin as I've always been (assuming the rest of my traits were as desirable) I might have grown up adored and full of myself. I feel like all the difficulties I've been through have built my character, giving me empathy, humility, and a general caring nature, and now (fingers crossed) I can become the beautiful young woman I've always wanted to be, and retain the character my hardships have built.

Try to look for the positives in everything, I started doing that recently and it's pretty great :)
Even my recent breakup with my fiancé, while emotionally devastating, had its positives. Without her love for me, leading me to believe she would love me no matter what, I might have never been able to come out in the first place. And although I was willing to give it up for her, I now know it wouldn't have been the right decision, it wouldn't have been right to either of us to hide it, so in a way I guess I'm glad it happened, though it still does hurt.

"What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."
-Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded

Quote from: kristin? on September 08, 2012, 01:26:02 AM

"What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."
-Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded

How interesting that you should choose a line from a film co-directed by a (then) pre-op transsexual! Were we all meant to draw the same conclusion from it as you, I wonder?

I am not tired of transition, I am just tired of it being so expensive.

Its like on one level I am paying for services I need to be more feminine, while also managing the expenses of a biological woman.

When will I hit the lottery o-o! I think I would go straight to thailand (jkjk, I don't actually know where I will go)

Quote from: Carlita on September 08, 2012, 05:37:06 AM
How interesting that you should choose a line from a film co-directed by a (then) pre-op transsexual! Were we all meant to draw the same conclusion from it as you, I wonder?

Just saw an article the other day about Larry Wachowski becoming Lana, being told to get in the line according to their sex at Catholic school and not knowing which one to go into, with everyone staring, must've been horrible. Not why I chose the quote, always thought it was a good one, but struggling with it all that time I'm sure it had some effect on their work. It was a good read, and those movies are of course awesome.

You know what I like about it though, is that she came out proud.  By coming out without it being a coming out story is very brave.  Could definitely be a shock though to some folks.

I wish I was that brave, but then again I would definitely get fired at work.

Quote from: kristin? on September 08, 2012, 01:26:02 AM
Try to look for the positives in everything, I started doing that recently and it's pretty great :)

Exactly! I always felt like I was a girl, but I can at least say that what I've lived through helped me to be a better person. I too was bullied and being discriminated against for your sexual orientation (I came out as "gay" not trans) helps you to see how painful things are for those who are treated badly for no good reason. If I were born a female, I may not be as proficient at math and science as I am, I may not have decided to go the route of becoming a firefighter//paramedic, and my life including friends, hobbies, and worldview would be completely different.

Being raised as a male wasn't the optimal experience for me, but at the very least, it helped me to be able to one day have perspective of both sides of the gender spectrum. Girls say that men can be stupid and impulsive, but I'd say that masculine hobbies like BB tag are fun and exciting. If I were raised as a female, I may not have come to enjoy such hobbies and would just mark them as silly like other girls do. I can also understand the faults of both men and women since I have a neutral stance on the issue of gender traits. My point is that while being trans is inconvenient at its surface, if you look underneath, you'll see that there is a method to the madness and that being trans makes you a better and more understanding person inside and out.

Quote from: Rita on September 08, 2012, 12:11:21 PM
I wish I was that brave, but then again I would definitely get fired at work.

Well you never know what would happen until you try. Then again, no one at work has to know  ;).

I hate all aspects of it. I wish was born girl, but I wasn't. I hate that family disowned me when I came out. I hate that they  welcomed me back when I said I changed my mind. I hate that I started my own family to cover it. So now,  I feel like I cant do anything.  I do love my wife and kids, but I know if I said I wanted threopy and surgery, she would leave and take the kids. This talk came up once before. I just wished I felt "normal".

Well, I'm certainly not lovin' it.

It was excruciatingly painful. And now I carry scarring and disfigurement for the pain I suffered, As a direct result aswell as indirectly through stigma. I will carry these scars until the day I die.

Yes I hate it.

While my life certainly would have been easier had I been born female, I honestly dont mind being trans. I feel very content within my skin now. But I hate the way that people view, and treat us.

I definitely wish that I had been born a genetic female but there are things about being trans that I do appreciate. I don't think I would be as open and look at the world in such a different way if I hadn't been trans. So I appreciate the perspective being trans gives me and I would hate to lose that. I would probably be ignorant of transgender people and gender issues in general if I hadn't been born trans and that would make me a little sad.  In the end though I am selfish and would give up my "enlightenment" to just be correct from birth.

I hate it with every fiber of my being. My face and body was poisoned by T since I was about 13, and trying to mold all of that into female has been hell. It could have been better, but it could have been worse I guess. HRT and electrolysis certainly are no fun. I haven't even had FFS or SRS yet, or done any legal paperwork changes. That is all coming very soon though.

The worst part? Not being accepted by this world, or even more, not being accepted by my parents. I am, however, completely over that bull->-bleeped-<-. I really don't even care anymore about going to the drug store and getting hormones or doctor's offices or what strangers see me do or where they see me or how they see me or if they clock me or whatever. Once I realized they don't have to accept me, everything was OK.  :)

Hate is the wrong word for me. It makes me very sad. I get these stabs if sorrow every time I'm forcibly reminded that my body would be far closer to the way I feel if I'd only grown up without testosterone wrecking me

I used to hate it a lot more but the HRT is making things much better. Hate corrodes the container it's held in so I learned to accept it. Do I wish I was cis? of course, but as far as I am concerned Im female. I look female, I act female, people view me as female. And soon I will have no male bits. soon being a year or two. it is what it is and so I just try to move on and have a half-life as completely female in everyway except reproductively. Life gets better. Hrt helps. SRS will cure a lot of my genital dysphoria. and so I guess I wouldn't say i hate it now. it is what it is.

i sometimes hate it and sometimes don't, but i don't love it. i just wish i were born male so that i could go to a boys school, have male buddies and later have a girlfriend and then marry her and lead a beautiful life. i hate it when i have to sit back and watch without getting involved at some instances because i don't want to play the girl's role, and they wouldn't let me play the boy's or i'd be too shy and reluctant to do what i prefer fearing i would be questioned. i hate the fact that i can't ask out a girl i fall for.
but, being trans has given me an open mind, and i've understood many facts about life and relationships. so in the aspect of spiritual health, i'm kinda glad i was born trans and given a chance to look at the world from a different angle. but still, life would have been a lot easier without all the fuss about transition.

Do I wish that I could snap my fingers and have the body and life of a natal female?? Yes.

But of course I can't. So I am just grateful that I still kind of have my youth, and the tenacity and patience to make the change.

And in the end, I will be that much stronger, and my life that much richer.

So no....I can't hate it. As hard as it is, and frustrating, and painful...these experiences make me the person that I am.

While I wish I weren't transsexual, I won't say I absolutely hate it, at least not as much as I just generally hate myself and for all I know, I'd probably feel that way about myself regardless of the whole trans thing.

I hated myself until I finally understood and accepted that I was transsexual. Today, to the extent  that it seems that I can finally  openly be me in all dimensions of my life, not only do I not hate being trans, I actually almost see it as a gift.

Quite an expensive gift given everything I have had to do to have a physical presentation I am finally comfortable with but in return I have the impression that I have the privilege to live a most extraordinary adventure.

There has been the whole transition process which I have been able to live as an observer of my own life and quite simply the fact that overall, I am much happier with the person who has emerged from this process than the person I was before.

At a very different level, when you have been deprived of things you have wanted for ever and ever, the satisfaction that comes with finally getting them quickly overrides everything that has gone before.

Life being what it is, I would be very naïve to imagine that it will all be lightness and happiness from now on but that is true independently of any gender issues and at least I continue my life with the knowledge that I finally allowed myself to fully BE the person I always was. That feeling is priceless.

Absolutely not, I love being an openly transwoman and consider it a gift. Hating yourself will not make it go away so I've learned to accept. It is what it is. Although there are some downs such as being looked down by some and disowned by some family members, the pros outweigh the cons in my situation.
Pros:
-I'm surprised and feel lucky by the type who would spend some time with me intimately regardless of my pre-op status; by those whom are popular in this city such as restaurant owners, athletes, a boss of mine who I consider the sexiest man alive, etc.
-As many of you said, you live as and experience both sexes. You learn how differently people react and treat appearing women and men.
-For some reason, it has been noticed a couple of friends shared secrets with me that they say they never shared with anyone else and hope you all experience the same kind of trust from your friends! Maybe they feel like they can trust you more than others based on the assumption of you being unlikely to judge?
-At the transition phrase you get to see who really love you regardless or not worth letting them in your life any longer.
-You feel good knowing you are a very brave person and have the courage that others don't. Transitioning makes you a strong person so you are used to ->-bleeped-<-ty people or things and might handle situations better than most.
-We get to see someone's true colors faster or read people better, I believe.

I've been deaf my whole life too which I also consider a gift. There are still cons of being deaf so just know there is someone that had it worse than you did :) My biological family did the most hurtful and unbelievable things to me than any human being has, for instance.

I definitely hate it. No amount of justification or philosophy seems to provide relief from this particular lot in life for me.

- I can't have children the way I'd like.
- Many people will never accept me if they find out.
- I feel like a second class human around the people who do accept me.
- I have to gamble every time I encounter a potential boyfriend that I like. Heck, I don't even feel like I can try right now.
- I don't feel like I've had a chance to experience both genders. Rather, both genders confuse the heck out of me: I didn't get to grow up as a female, and I don't understand the male world or want to relate to it.
- I have to save up a ton of money for surgeries and spend no money on anything else. It's emotionally exhausting and isolating.
- I have to delay my life to take care of these things.

Ugh, I could go on, I don't even want to. I'm sick to death of thinking about it all -- and, you know, that's a huge part of the issue. Thinking about it. Feeling plagued by it. I don't want this. Why would anyone ever want this? Sure, it's forced me to have a perspective with far more humility and empathy than the average person, but that doesn't make me any happier or more content to be what I am.

I'm just tired. I'm so very tired. It always seems to come back to being transgendered.

I kinda hate it, I think. I wish I didn't. The now compared to aeons ago? Much preferable. But it's like comparing dysentery to a bleeding ulcer or something. One is very bad and might kill me. The other isn't anything I'd actually want though.

And in fuller disclosure I'm IS and have two X chromosomes. My gonads were not either/or. If this sounds like a good thing, consider: the longer I left it, the more this unresolved puberty was wrecking me, and I do mean health-wise. Also I had female pattern baldness over my entire head, which was awash with sores, lumps and scabs. HRT arrested and somewhat reversed that, but to this day my hair is Scalp Central even if I part it on the temples or whatever. It's okay/acceptable, but, you know, age 19 I had this lustrous mane I was very proud of and I think about that more or less every day. My complexion was totally messed-up, and I've still not, as a 'mature' individual, managed to get that sand-blasted yet. It was hideous to go through this and in some ways I think a proper puberty (even if a male one) would be less disturbing.

And scars... yes. Barren I might well have been, but my somewhat infantile member was basically functional and a T level of about 25-30 was enough to get it playing up fairly regularly. I can't imagine that experience as a physical reality now, but of course I can see it inside a window of memory and the repulsiveness is simply there. I can't erase it. I know this is not a female experience, but it's mine, and something I'd give anything not to have gone through. I didn't engage in sexual activity but I did feel urged to 'relieve' that stuff. Fortunately it would quell it pretty good, sometimes for weeks or months. There was no pleasure in it. Just making something stop for a while. There's no condescension in this: I think anyone less afflicted in that respect is very lucky. It isn't a badge of honour because it's something that will never go away. And in saying that, I mean sometimes I can get mildly suicidal about it. Just thinking about it. And I don't want to. The hurt spans a lot of years now, quite effortlessly.

Overall it's a small issue as I'm depressed about other stuff. I don't completely hate it, really, but I think I mostly do.

Although if I had a partner, that would makes a lot of things better. That gap in my life is quite painful. I've only been intimate with two people and they were both bad news. To the extent that I don't really trust what anyone might be thinking, and I do have a friend who lectures me about this semi-regularly. To no avail, sad to say. A het guy, too, who tells me the idea of having sex with me doesn't trouble him intellectually as he doesn't consider me in any way male. Maybe he's being kind. Don't know.

Sorry if this is another downer (I see some others on this thread). I'm actually wanting to work through my issues, tbh before I find myself actually old. I don't think transition ever ends, if you want my honest opinion. YMMV etc.

It's not the condition I hate... I've always been trans* and now I truly know who I am. I can't give up that insight... nor would I want to.

It's how effed up society is on gender; it's how I was repressed; it's how I'm destroying a marriage and causing pain to my wife and kids. That's what I hate.

And no matter how many times I tell my wife she was screwed over by society - not me, she'll always see it as my choice and my fault.

I used to hate it with a passion and I still would prefer to born a natal female. But do I hate it now? No! I've been dealing with this my entire life and it has cost me much more than money. But really at this point I've kinda have gotten used to being trans its a normal part of life for me now. I really can't hate it at this point and being on hrt has helped me greatly get over a lot of troubles I was having with my dysphoric feelings. I actually feel a lot better about my life now than I have at any point in my life. ;)

Quote from: Heather on September 08, 2013, 09:16:32 PM
I used to hate it with a passion and I still would prefer to born a natal female. But do I hate it now? No! I've been dealing with this my entire life and it has cost me much more than money. But really at this point I've kinda have gotten used to being trans its a normal part of life for me now. I really can't hate it at this point and being on hrt has helped me greatly get over a lot of troubles I was having with my dysphoric feelings. I actually feel a lot better about my life now than I have at any point in my life. ;)

You're looking good hun! You look more feminine every time you update your picture.

I used to hate it. I hated it before I knew it was what I was. I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt and locked it all away. All my trans thoughts were disguised as dreams and fantasies about being able to shape change my body into whoever I wanted to look like. Usually a woman's body.

The man that was me, Christopher, never hurt me.  He has always been like a good brother protecting me and trying his best to keep us sane. I actually hope that which was me never truly goes away. Those memories make me feel warm and loved now where as before it was a cold existence. Now I am Christine and quickly becoming the sister that I have always wanted when I was Christopher. I now feel complete and when I am done transitioning into full time I plan on becoming an activist and helping my fellow brothers and sisters get through their journeys to be what they wish to be.

I can't say I hate it or Like it. I hate how it makes me feel and what it has me do and not do and well.

It bugs me, but hate is a strong word...

I started hormones three years ago.
I've been through so many changes mentally and physically that there is no one simple answer for this.
Currently though, I've been going through the difficulty of realizing that I can never really be accepted as or inside accept myself as a woman simply because I never had all the experiences I would have had. Every rite of passage, and then of course the physiological fact of no ovaries and every time women talk about anything to do with periods, their ovaries, anything.. it's completely debilitating to any concept of viewing myself as a woman. I do feel like I've related in the gender of female since I was very young and all of my experiences have been from a female mind, but the body is still a testosterone invention. Remember, I've skipped a lot here, the entire first five years of mental and physical transformation, so there is a lot of time that was very joyous and wonderful as I began to transform. Now though, I view myself as a dyke lesbian and I realize of course that it was my gender identity inside me my whole life. I go for bottom surgery on Sept. 24. I know that in my mind I can never fully feel like genetic women or adopt any of the feelings of those rites of passage or experiences that I might have cherished, shared etc. These things are hard, because in meeting and talking with women, you have to face the difference all the time, in the chatter, being separate, not really included. Depending on your friends, yes, women will 'accept' you, if you're lucky, even to a degree that feels very  welcoming and warm. But there is always a slight separation equal to that of say being in a foreign land and speaking the language without all the nuances of a native tongue. The feel is just there. And it can never change. So, a little long here, but the point is, that now, as I go toward my bottom surgery, I'm beginning to feel like I may present and represent myself as naturally as I can which is basically a butch lesbian sort of semi- butch not hardcore, let's say 'tomboy', who is a woman that almost seems she wants to be a man. You know that that means, when you see a lesbian woman who is on the side leaning toward a male appearance, bub obvs has boobs an no penis, well, this girl ends up being in fact, in truth, a genetic male, pretending to be a female, pretending to be a male.. Using pretend as a bit of a tongue in cheek expression. I'm not 'pretending' anything at all ever. I am about as real as anyone gets at any moment in my life and I own the ground I stand on. It is where I am the most myself, at that moment, and my feelings, expression, gender or otherwise are as true to me as I can possibly be. One thing I will not do is pretend or lie or try to fit in as a transsexual woman of any ilk that society, yes, trans society, dictates to me. I am my own woman, a hybrid, one with body mods, an installed vagina (to come), small boobs for which I will be installing gummy bears, and a semi-dyke look that feels good to me. Who knows? One day I may wear dresses and be a full on lipstick lez. I have yet to go do FFS. I may change more and more into some state of being that I don't even know right now. The whole point of this for me is I want to be and express that being with as much integrity as I possibly can. Sure, it would have been nice to be born GG. I cried lots over it. I always will. But it would have been nice to have a loving family too, and I didn't have that. It would have been nice to have had a lot of things, but this here is what I've got. It's all I've got. And I'm doing the best damned job I can. With heart. With spirit breath. I believe that that is what makes me real on any level and nobody can take that away. So there. This is totally off the cuff, I'm not editing, I'm not changing it. I may read it later and go, oh that's not quite correct, it doesn't really reflect exactly right. But I am changing all the time. So...what difference does it make. This is me now here this moment. M.

Yes, I do. I hate it because of our crappy self perception and all the social pressures to be something we're not just because of a thing between our legs. I hate that we are persecuted for not conforming to social cues and standards and because I feel I can't compete with cis-gendered women,  and....

I could rant for ages but its depressing enough just to be trans without talking about it.

To a good extent I do. It would have been nice to have had a choice about my gender instead of having to bottle up my feelings for a decades and hope they went away. Now I have to fix what God screwed up, only it's not covered on a healthcare plan like everything else is. Also never being able to reproduce and having to take my hormones like vitamins is going to suck.

Most defiantly I just don't think of it. I wouldn't say I hate because I think being transgender is a gift but I get frustrated that I have to go threw a bunch if crap and surgeries to be me.

I don't mind at all because the "other" option is quite permanent and will make family and friends very sad :(

I had my two year anniversary on Saturday, living every moment of those two years as the woman I've always been in my mind, spirit and soul. I told my parents at 4, after my dad made my mom keep me out of her makeup, jewelry and the little girl clothes in their closet. They also emphatically told me I was a boy, but I cried and told them I was a girl and their daughter over and over again. Once they calmed me down and made me believe them, I told them "then I'm in the wrong body, because I'm supposed to be a girl." I had another one at 12 that still makes me cry sometimes when I think of it, because I only remembered it vaguely, but my mom described the whole thing. I realized that it was so heavy I tried to forget it. I told my mom, dad and brother at 16 and all three of them many times over the years. I attempted suicide three times, but after I came to after my last attempt, July 13th, 2011. I began to come to grips with it. Obviously I'd change being trans to being a cis girl at birth, but God or nature saw fit to make me female on the inside and semi male in appearance. I've come to embrace my life as it is, partly because I've never been outed or clocked by anyone I didn't know, which makes it a lot easier to cope and enjoy life. I do now, and my mom has been there for me in the most wonderful ways I couldn't even imagine before my transition, as was my brother till he passed away in July. Out of 120 facebook family and friends, I lost one friend, a pompous Christian Fundamentalist. I have many, many regrets about not transitioning when I first seriously began to at 23, because I wasted 34 years, but I'm happy now. The question of being happy as a transsexual, is for all intents and purposes, irrelevant, because I can't change one second ago, any more than I can change an instant  call the wasted years. I have to happily move forward in the time I have left on this planet. I'm in love with a guy and we'll have a year together on October 14th. My life's infinitely better than I dreamed it could be, so I can't really complain. I'm more loving, a better listener, a much better writer and I care more about people than I ever did as a male, but having been a male impersonator for all those years gave me an insight into men I don't think would have been possible as a cis woman. I also have a great deal of empathy for sick, injured and older people, but more than anything, babies born with birth defects, because that's how I look at myself, a girl born with a horrible deformity. Hugs, Mira

I forgot to add that after wanting so very, very desperately to be a woman for my entire life, the day I actually accepted myself came early in my transition and until that point was the happiest moment in my life. I've grown a great deal since then and almost every day gets a little better than the last. I'm who I've wanted to be from the womb, how can I be unhappy? Really! As much as I hated being a male impersonator, that's how much I love being the woman I am now. Hugs, Mira

I don't hate being trans, but it's not an ideal situation.

I do the best I can with what I've got, the alternative is not a choice for me.

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

Hate is a pretty strong word.  Since I began transition about 14 years ago I have long gotten tired of hating it, been there, done that.  But if I were to think about it and all the living I have lost out on due to having to transition I could probably muster up some pretty good resentment.  Sometimes I figure I have a more interesting outlook on life or like having had to transition has given me certain insights and caused me to be more conscious of life instead of taking it for granted but then I realize that is just ego BS though I imagine that compared to average men and women my time on Earth has gone much slower whereas people I went to high school with have probably raced to this point in their lives whereas for me it was like I spent my whole life waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.  I think that is a pretty accurate comparison and it skips past all the ego drivel.

Here are some words I found that fit this thread,

Real women do not have curves. Real women do not look like just one thing.

Real women have curves, and not. They are tall, and not. They are brown-skinned, and olive-skinned, and not. They have small breasts, and big ones, and no breasts whatsoever.

Real women start their lives as baby girls. And as baby boys. And as babies of indeterminate biological sex whose bodies terrify their doctors and families into making all kinds of very sudden decisions.

Real women have big hands and small hands and long elegant fingers and short stubby fingers and manicures and broken nails with dirt under them.

Real women have armpit hair and leg hair and pubic hair and facial hair and chest hair and sexy moustaches and full, luxuriant beards. Real women have none of these things, spontaneously or as the result of intentional change. Real women are bald as eggs, by chance and by choice and by chemo. Real women have hair so long they can sit on it. Real women wear wigs and weaves and extensions and kufi and do-rags and hairnets and hijab and headscarves and hats and yarmulkes and textured rubber swim caps with the plastic flowers on the sides.

Real women wear high heels and skirts. Or not.

Real women are feminine and smell good and they are masculine and smell good and they are androgynous and smell good, except when they don't smell so good, but that can be changed if desired because real women change stuff when they want to.

Real women have ovaries. Unless they don't, and sometimes they don't because they were born that way and sometimes they don't because they had to have their ovaries removed. Real women have uteruses, unless they don't, see above. Real women have vaginas and clitorises and XX sex chromosomes and high estrogen levels, they ovulate and menstruate and can get pregnant and have babies. Except sometimes not, for a rather spectacular array of reasons both spontaneous and induced.

Real women are fat. And thin. And both, and neither, and otherwise. Doesn't make them any less real.

There is a phrase I wish I could engrave upon the hearts of every single person, everywhere in the world, and it is this sentence which comes from the genius lips of the grand and eloquent Mr. Glenn Marla: There is no wrong way to have a body.

I'm going to say it again because it's important: There is no wrong way to have a body.

And if your moral compass points in any way, shape, or form to equality, you need to get this through your thick skull and stop with the "real women are like such-and-so" crap.

You are not the authority on what "real" human beings are, and who qualifies as "real" and on what basis. All human beings are real.

Yes, I know you're tired of feeling disenfranchised. It is a tiresome and loathsome thing to be and to feel. But the tit-for-tat disenfranchisement of others is not going to solve that problem. Solidarity has to start somewhere and it might as well be with you and me.""
—    Hanne Blank (via thestoutorialist)

Quote from: Joules on September 09, 2013, 08:13:01 AM
Shades of Beetlejuice here

May I steal this one?

It's yours Joules :)

Being trans and accepting it gave me THE REASON to live.  Now I'm doing something about it.

Hugs,

M.

Quote from: Michelle G on September 09, 2013, 12:46:31 PM
Here are some words I found that fit this thread,

Real women do not have curves. Real women do not look like just one thing.

Real women have curves, and not. They are tall, and not. They are brown-skinned, and olive-skinned, and not. They have small breasts, and big ones, and no breasts whatsoever.

Real women start their lives as baby girls. And as baby boys. And as babies of indeterminate biological sex whose bodies terrify their doctors and families into making all kinds of very sudden decisions.

Real women have big hands and small hands and long elegant fingers and short stubby fingers and manicures and broken nails with dirt under them.

Real women have armpit hair and leg hair and pubic hair and facial hair and chest hair and sexy moustaches and full, luxuriant beards. Real women have none of these things, spontaneously or as the result of intentional change. Real women are bald as eggs, by chance and by choice and by chemo. Real women have hair so long they can sit on it. Real women wear wigs and weaves and extensions and kufi and do-rags and hairnets and hijab and headscarves and hats and yarmulkes and textured rubber swim caps with the plastic flowers on the sides.

Real women wear high heels and skirts. Or not.

Real women are feminine and smell good and they are masculine and smell good and they are androgynous and smell good, except when they don't smell so good, but that can be changed if desired because real women change stuff when they want to.

Real women have ovaries. Unless they don't, and sometimes they don't because they were born that way and sometimes they don't because they had to have their ovaries removed. Real women have uteruses, unless they don't, see above. Real women have vaginas and clitorises and XX sex chromosomes and high estrogen levels, they ovulate and menstruate and can get pregnant and have babies. Except sometimes not, for a rather spectacular array of reasons both spontaneous and induced.

Real women are fat. And thin. And both, and neither, and otherwise. Doesn't make them any less real.

There is a phrase I wish I could engrave upon the hearts of every single person, everywhere in the world, and it is this sentence which comes from the genius lips of the grand and eloquent Mr. Glenn Marla: There is no wrong way to have a body.

I'm going to say it again because it's important: There is no wrong way to have a body.

And if your moral compass points in any way, shape, or form to equality, you need to get this through your thick skull and stop with the "real women are like such-and-so" crap.

You are not the authority on what "real" human beings are, and who qualifies as "real" and on what basis. All human beings are real.

Yes, I know you're tired of feeling disenfranchised. It is a tiresome and loathsome thing to be and to feel. But the tit-for-tat disenfranchisement of others is not going to solve that problem. Solidarity has to start somewhere and it might as well be with you and me.""
—    Hanne Blank (via thestoutorialist)

GREAT words!! Thank you so much for posting them!

I dont hate It... I hate that Most my family hates what I am just because my birth certificate has male checked.

I have sufferend so much from it... my entire life and still do... it often is hard not to hate it. But I try not to, because it does not help me.

xxx

the only good part about it is becoming closer to my true self. ever other part i hate with a passion. from the not being able to attend prom or just being held back in life in general. its all a pain. to see other people my age just doing stuff that they want to do..but i have to work on getting myself rid of gid. it sucks.

Tiptoeing in your footsteps Connie :)   Enjoying my first week of freedom as a matter of fact...   bittersweet.

No regrets.  Nor egrets. 

Quote from: Constance on August 23, 2012, 03:09:41 PM
Absolutely yes, I hate it. I wished I'd had a masculine gender identity to go with my male body. Being trans cost me my marriage.

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on September 11, 2013, 07:35:57 PM
It depends on the day. To be honest, I'm getting to the point where I just don't caaare haha. Boy or girl who gives a fuuuuq. I'm more wrapped up in life now, and having a good one. I'm just going on...I have a penis and so I am a boy, and really, it's not hard to be happy this way.

I'm a girl and I have a penis.. And I'm happy this way..

I hated it for years, but since starting transition, I've come to terms with it. It is what it is and I'm going to make the best of it. I would take being transgender over living as a guy anytime. Now living as a guy, I don't think I could have continued on like that without going insane. That's hate appropriate.

I'm a girl and what's between my legs is my own business :) 

Let there be a mystery !

You know the expression that hate is a strong word? It might be, but I don't feel it's strong enough for how much I hate having this medical condition. I loathe, abhor everything about it. I cannot name one good thing about this condition, not one. To those that say that it gets better with more HRT, SRS, etc. so what? My happiness does, sure, but in the end, those are life aspects (the end results of hormones, vagina) that should have been there from day one, well, the vagina at least. Give me the choice to become a natal girl right now, and I'd take it before the sentence was finished.

I hate having this so much really...just awful. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. There is nothing good about psychosexual inversion and being born transsexual. Nothing, and I mean it.

Would you like pain that eats at you because you know your body is failing you, and as such, medications are necessary? Pain that is emotional, physical, deep set, over wishing that you could have been just as lucky as the girl a few feet in front of you, just to have what she takes likely for granted? Would you like nightly pains where you physically feel your uterus ripped out of your body, as was meant to have been there, giving you emptiness, and true pain? Wishing simply that your body could be right down there, gripping you with emotional pain like that of a tied rope around your stomach and hips, to the point where you want to cry? Wanting a relationship, but knowing you'd fail who you'd be with, because you couldn't serve them right, nor could you have his children one day, further limiting an already limited dating pool for yourself? I bet you wouldn't. THAT is what being transsexual is like to me, every day. It's not a joke, it's not a game, it's a nightmare.

I would rather have preferred to be born a female than having to deal with the transitioning, the cost, and it would just be a whole lot easier. But, I think that would have changed my childhood, and I loved my childhood. I loved playing with action figures and playing with boy things. I know usually most TG women wouldn't say something like that, but I don't think I really cared that much as a kid. I was just who I was. I knew I was a boy, I just didn't care at the time. Sorry, got off track. Anyway, with being a cis-woman, I would have to deal with the worry of getting pregnant (which kinda saddened me just a little when I realized I couldn't after I had come to terms with myself), and periods. Then again, I haven't completely started transitioning yet, still in therapy stage, so that opinion may change when I reach the obstacles.

That is a tough question.. can be answered in many ways.
I hate that I am transgender.. well hell yes... I have suffered for years. I hated it as a lonely helpless kid and I hate it now.

However, others love me for who I am and they dont know I am trans.. I am who I am.. I now for the first time accept myself so I don't hate being trans in a sense but I hate what It is going to do to others when I transition.

Another however, if you could flip a magic switch and change my brain to male... I would not let you flip the switch..I dont want to have a guy brain.. I was born female.
Ironic isn't it.
Carrie

I swear if someone offered me $500,000 to revert back to permanent male mode and to never show any clue of who I really am that I would never even consider that deal...not a chance!

Michelle,
Agreed, who wants to be who they are not...
Carrie

Quote from: Michelle G on September 14, 2013, 10:35:19 AM
I swear if someone offered me $500,000 to revert back to permanent male mode and to never show any clue of who I really am that I would never even consider that deal...not a chance!

I would certainly consider trying to somehow trick my way to the money somehow though, haha. That's such a huge fortune.

Quote from: Michelle G on September 14, 2013, 10:35:19 AM
I swear if someone offered me $500,000 to revert back to permanent male mode and to never show any clue of who I really am that I would never even consider that deal...not a chance!

I agree... in fact, I think that offer *is* on the table for most of us. Transition costs a lot, but most of us (even those mid-life-crisisers like me) have to be losing at least that much in salaries, alimony & child support, etc.

Not to mention, being a girl just costs a lot. (Sorry guys... financially I'm sure the girls here have it worse off ;) ). In 6 weeks, I may have spent more in shaving, skin care, and hair care than ever in my previous life (that might be a slight exaggeration).

If I count, I think my mom has maybe earned 800 000 $ in her whole life. And she doesn't even have any money for her retirement. Honestly if someone has 500 000 $ to lose, I seriously can't help but drool on their bank account.

I'm with Jesstrogen,hate doesn't even come close to how I feel about it. >:(

Think of it another way. If you hate being a transsexual or a transgender, then stop being one and be a woman. I guess that is the way I am looking at it. I like to see it as another medical issue that I as a woman have to deal with, the same as any other woman would. One where I get better every day and my 'symptoms' go away with time. After all transwhatever is something that society (general and medical) like to label us as since it makes life easier for them. There are those who like the being trans and labeling themselves so. More power to them for these are the trailblazers in our little 'universe' that will make it easier for the kids of tomorrow to be accepted for who they are by society. These are the ones who stick their heads above the parapet and make themselves a target, but, over time, familiarity can also breed acceptance, not only contempt.

Look, you don't 'see' amputees these days, you see people who are banned from taking part in certain sport events, like sprinting, because the prosthetics they use could have an unfair advantage over able bodied athletes.

If you don't want to be trans, then dont. Use this unfair adantage, call it a unique perspective or whatever, to become a better woman tomorrow than you are today. Leave the labels to society and the medical profession. They seem to like them more than we do.

Nikki

hELP, i HATE BEING TRANS! IT IS DESTROYING MY LIFE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 04:28:24 AM
hELP, i HATE BEING TRANS! IT IS DESTROYING MY LIFE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

What about it is destroying your life?

If someone with the magical ability to do so, offered to make it so that I was born cis-gender... I would probably turn them down. Certainly not if the choice were to become a cis-male. But to have been born a cis-woman, that would be sorely tempting. I'd certainly accept if I could keep the sum of my life experiences. But if not, I'd like to think that I'd refuse such an offer. To have only been born a cis-gender girl... the thought at first sounds fantastic. But really, were I born that way I would have been someone else, and not the person I am now. The person I am now would have ceased to exist.

And perhaps that would be an acceptable outcome for some, but not for me. I fear the kind of person I would have become had I not been born trans. See, I grew up in a very devout Mormon family. The amount of shame and self-loathing I felt for decades was unbearable. All because the belief system and society I grew up in made me feel ashamed of who I am. They upheld their standards of 'righteous' normativity and looked down upon with disdain anything that deviated from that norm.

Were I to have been born cis-gender I would probably be trapped in that mindset. I would probably be one of them, judging others for their differences, perpetuating the problem of society at large today. And the thought of being that kind of person is more repulsive to me than the realization that I may spend the rest of my life dealing with hate and bigotry. It would even be worse than the pain I feel every day knowing my body doesn't match, nor will it ever fully match, the woman I am inside.


As for being trans, yes, it sucks beyond all suckitude. But I do not so much hate who I am but rather I hate that I had to spend 30+ years in denial and hiding who I am. This life would have been immensely easier to bear had society been open and accepting of this when I was growing up. Had I been able to have been raised as a girl by a loving and accepting family--that would have made all the difference in the world. I'm sure I'd have still felt the dysphoria, but at least I could have been treated before my body was ravaged by testosterone. And I'd probably still be sad that I'll never know what it's like to give birth, but I still could have been a wonderful mother.

But society then wasn't accepting, nor was there really much knowledge and awareness out there in recognizing transgender children. That is changing some, I just hate that society still for the most part isn't accepting of individuals and their differences. Why can't we all treat each other with the same love and respect that we want for ourselves? All the abuse, shame, and violence needs to stop! I hope for the day it does. I hope that our children's children do not have to live in such a world, but rather one in which they are embraced in the arms of love--regardless of who they are.

Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 15, 2013, 04:34:07 AM
What about it is destroying your life?

I just don't like being trans cos I have to change my appearance and make myself into a woman. I don't know what to do!!!

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh helllllllllllppppppppppppp

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 04:41:18 AM
I just don't like being trans cos I have to change my appearance and make myself into a woman. I don't know what to do!!!

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh helllllllllllppppppppppppp

You don't have to do those things if you don't want to.

Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 15, 2013, 04:42:40 AM
You don't have to do those things if you don't want to.

But I am a transsexual so I will have to, at least eventually

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 04:51:24 AM
But I am a transsexual so I will have to, at least eventually

No you don't.  Not if you don't want to.

Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 15, 2013, 04:51:59 AM
No you don't.  Not if you don't want to.

BUt transsexuals have to transition

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 05:11:16 AM
BUt transsexuals have to transition

No they don't.  Especially if they don't have dysphoria.

Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 15, 2013, 05:11:45 AM
No they don't.  Especially if they don't have dysphoria.

Well do I do then? I can't just live each day knowing that I am transsexual and not do anything about it

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 05:14:32 AM
Well do I do then? I can't just live each day knowing that I am transsexual and not do anything about it

Yes you can.  You don't have dysphoria, you don't want to be a girl, so don't do anything.  Just live.

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 05:14:32 AM
Well do I do then? I can't just live each day knowing that I am transsexual and not do anything about it

I'm transitioned, but I've never really seen myself as trans.. I did what I needed to do to be happy.

Stop panicking about labels and get on with life.

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 05:14:32 AM
Well do I do then? I can't just live each day knowing that I am transsexual and not do anything about it

That sounds like dysphoria to me! There's not much info here though... how could one identify as transgender without dysphoria? Doesn't the "I want to be a girl" wish qualify?

I can understand weak dysphoria... and suppressed trans* feelings. My wall let some of it through for years (including the wish to be a girl) without me identifying as fully trans*. Sure I knew I was different... but I got hung up on that autogynephile BS for a long time.

Quote from: kabit on September 15, 2013, 07:22:29 AM
That sounds like dysphoria to me! There's not much info here though... how could one identify as transgender without dysphoria? Doesn't the "I want to be a girl" wish qualify?

I can understand weak dysphoria... and suppressed trans* feelings. My wall let some of it through for years (including the wish to be a girl) without me identifying as fully trans*. Sure I knew I was different... but I got hung up on that autogynephile BS for a long time.

What "I want to be a girl" wish? lol

Quote from: Kelly the Post-Trans-Rebel on September 15, 2013, 05:21:54 AM
I'm transitioned, but I've never really seen myself as trans.. I did what I needed to do to be happy.

Stop panicking about labels and get on with life.

Ok I am the opposite of you lol, I haven't transitioned but I see myself as transsexual

I had to use labels to articulate meaning :)

Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 15, 2013, 05:15:44 AM
Yes you can.  You don't have dysphoria, you don't want to be a girl, so don't do anything.  Just live.

I can't live my life with my trans worries on my mind, it is holding up my life.

To me, this is an emotional thread to read and respond to. There's so much regret and pain in my past, attributed to being born in the wrong body. It's something I'll be working through for a long time yet. Do I hate being trans? Absolutely! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And the pain, the cost, the difficulty in transitioning... But it won't beat me... or at least it hasn't yet.

As with so many others, I find there is a silver lining. A life of difficulty and incongruence has tempered me into such a strong person filled with humility, kindness and such a genuine and loving nature. And I will let that shine bright for the rest of my life. Maybe one day it'll cast light on, and quash, the regret from the past.

Quote from: FreshGuy on September 15, 2013, 01:01:16 PM
What "I want to be a girl" wish? lol

Mine. :p

Quote from: kabit on September 15, 2013, 07:50:33 PM
Mine. :p

And mine!.. I know that I for one went to bed most nights thinking "I would give up anything if I woke up a girl tomorrow" years before I began to seriously consider if I was trans*.

That might sound stupid, but I am still not certain if I want to fully transition. I think what I hate the most about being trans is the uncertainty.. there is no way of knowing if transitioning will make you happy until after the fact. That makes it a really damned scary process!

yes, i hate it. I don't understand it. I don't know why it has to happen to me and I don't know how to deal with it. And then I feel even worse when I see people going through God awful things like getting paralyzed or soldiers losing limbs in war and the guilt about being trans is unbearable.

Quote from: TiffanyT on September 16, 2013, 02:29:53 AM
yes, i hate it. I don't understand it. I don't know why it has to happen to me and I don't know how to deal with it. And then I feel even worse when I see people going through God awful things like getting paralyzed or soldiers losing limbs in war and the guilt about being trans is unbearable.

I feel terrible comparing it to those sorts of things. . . but it helps people understand. I make a point to say that yes, it's physically different, but the social aspects are similar (and worse, imo). People, talking about my wife's reaction, say they couldn't be in a relationship anymore because the sex would stop, and they have needs... I ask if they'd leave their husband if he became paraplegic... it seems wrong to say, somehow - but I can't get through thick skulls in any other way :(

Quote from: Anastasia E on September 15, 2013, 09:31:11 PM
And mine!.. I know that I for one went to bed most nights thinking "I would give up anything if I woke up a girl tomorrow" years before I began to seriously consider if I was trans*.

That might sound stupid, but I am still not certain if I want to fully transition. I think what I hate the most about being trans is the uncertainty.. there is no way of knowing if transitioning will make you happy until after the fact. That makes it a really damned scary process!

Good thoughts!!! And I believe they are true. I have transitioned fully/fulltime (without SRS) also because of that doubt. And it was true... even after 6 years living as a woman now, my perspective on it is still changing.

I do not regret it...I did not expect anything when I started... I just had hope... and now after these years I am in a phase where hope has gone and I have realised that this is the way I live the rest of my life. Not as a woman, but as a trans. And there is a huge difference between the two... when it comes to socialising, friendships and dating (at least when you are into men). Its a complicated situation to be in. Let alone the physical appearence which can be reason for uncertainty. 

I have lost some things, gained others, transition has made me grow as a woman, (a rather painfull process when you are trans), I have no doubts that I am a woman, but that was not the real doubt to begin with... it was: can I be happy with being trans. And that is a whoooole different story. Sometimes I feel that my transition has not really changed anything for me. It did. But in the end...its not like life has gotten any easier.

I hate it. Early in life my mother offered to try & help me correct my physical gender to female. However in those days all the general type doctors did was talk & no one really used HRT to stop T poison or even considered SRS for someone so young. They all just said it's a phase that "he" will grow out of. I've always been a girl/woman inside with some of the wrong type body parts attached so if that is "transsexual" yes I hate it. 

My new GF told me earlier, "I can't help but think you've mutilated yourself." I'm post op. I hate being transsexual and right now I want to put my head under the covers and cry, but i'm supposed to be tough and tough girls don't cry.

 I hate how it ruins people's lives.    no transsexual has to transition with severe gender dysphoria or with out dysphoria. It is a personal decision. if you want or see a need to be a girl transition. some people adjust to it others cannot.
Transitioning is a controversial treatment. HRT carries risks. SRS is an extreme surgery. IMHO a poor substitute for being a genetic female. sorry to say.
As I see it There is also a problem with the advocates of transitioning, looking through rose colored glasses, telling people how it is the best thing since sliced bread. everyone is so happy,  you have to transition bla bla bla
and shrinks knowing what's best for TSs.  they take WPATH SOC as gospel.  or so it seems.  but do they really.
Nobody knows what causes transsexualism . If they do they are FOS .   
why MTF TSs  think similarly to females. good question.
a male with a female brain IMO is just a metaphor not a physical reality. unless there is a rare DNA abnormality. We all have a male half we get from our dads and  female  chromosomes from mom.
There has to be something lost in translation
It is above my pay grade to know what the answers are for people afflicted with transsexualism.
just try to not let it get you down.

Quote from: victoria n on September 22, 2013, 12:20:08 PM
I hate how it ruins people's lives.    no transsexual has to transition with severe gender dysphoria or with out dysphoria. It is a personal decision. if you want or see a need to be a girl transition. some people adjust to it others cannot.
Transitioning is a controversial treatment. HRT carries risks. SRS is an extreme surgery. IMHO a poor substitute for being a genetic female. sorry to say.
As I see it There is also a problem with the advocates of transitioning, looking through rose colored glasses, telling people how it is the best thing since sliced bread. everyone is so happy,  you have to transition bla bla bla
and shrinks knowing what's best for TSs.  they take WPATH SOC as gospel.  or so it seems.  but do they really.
Nobody knows what causes transsexualism . If they do they are FOS .   
why MTF TSs  think similarly to females. good question.
a male with a female brain IMO is just a metaphor not a physical reality. unless there is a rare DNA abnormality. We all have a male half we get from our dads and  female  chromosomes from mom.
There has to be something lost in translation
It is above my pay grade to know what the answers are for people afflicted with transsexualism.
just try to not let it get you down.

The latest science points directly to a difference between male and female brains. Transgender people have that of their identified gender. As I understand it, this area of the brain also reacts directly to sex hormones... so (and this is speculation) you get those with a big difference there showing signs of being transgender from a young age, and others coming out at puberty or even later.

I also think that people are far too quick to label those questioning themselves as transgender, as needing therapy and HRT... at the same time, many of these self-questioners would not have the nerve to go see a therapist without this help from the community. The best response anyone can give is "yes, you probably are transgender... you need to see a therapist specializing in transgender issues" without themselves being an expert and spending time consulting with the individual.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 23, 2012, 06:19:53 PM
Another vote from someone who identifies as TG, I love it!

Yes, I too love being Transgender/TS.  Like so many others I regret not accepting myself earlier in life but now with diminished dysphoria my whole life makes more sense to me.  Being TG/TS and not dealing with myself effectively made me work much harder to cope with my fears and private shame.  How much better it would have been to put that energy into transitioning 30 years ago?  I'll never know so it's merely academic.  Sigh.

Ya, we can't go back but this girl is moving very happily forward.

I used to hate it, Before i did some soul searching. If i weren't trans... id probably be a fat, hairy, smelly, racist, homophobic, bigot cuz thats what i grew up with. We are products of our environments. This gift not only makes me a better person, it allows me to sympathize with women unlike any biological male. And the women in my life really appreciate that.

I do not hate it. I'm very glad to be feminine. My only regret is that I did not completely change by body so much earlier in life, late teens or early 20's. I mssed so much not being a normal woman for all those years. I was part way MTF, living full time as Francis & enjoyed being feminine as much as possible so it was OK/fair however I just missed a normal womans early life.

Now I'm in my mid 50's & after being on & off of HRT several times I've returned to HRT again to hopefully help my body change for the better. I know that I will never be happy with life until I finally complete my SRS surgery for a hopefully normal depth vagina & body. It's a struggle for all of us. I'm trying to be calm, logical & relaxed about my life decision & all the upcoming steps that I must take.

My best to all of us girls "trapped in the wrong body".  It certainly has been the story of my life.

Quote from: victoria n on September 22, 2013, 12:20:08 PM
I hate how it ruins people's lives.    no transsexual has to transition with severe gender dysphoria or with out dysphoria. It is a personal decision. if you want or see a need to be a girl transition. some people adjust to it others cannot.
Transitioning is a controversial treatment. HRT carries risks. SRS is an extreme surgery. IMHO a poor substitute for being a genetic female. sorry to say.
As I see it There is also a problem with the advocates of transitioning, looking through rose colored glasses, telling people how it is the best thing since sliced bread. everyone is so happy,  you have to transition bla bla bla
and shrinks knowing what's best for TSs.  they take WPATH SOC as gospel.  or so it seems.  but do they really.
Nobody knows what causes transsexualism . If they do they are FOS .   
why MTF TSs  think similarly to females. good question.
a male with a female brain IMO is just a metaphor not a physical reality. unless there is a rare DNA abnormality. We all have a male half we get from our dads and  female  chromosomes from mom.
There has to be something lost in translation
It is above my pay grade to know what the answers are for people afflicted with transsexualism.
just try to not let it get you down.

Personally I disagree. I was born trans and at least in this life I did not have any real choices.
Transition is better then having to live life as something you are not. But then again, I do not identify as trans.
I am a woman in the end. And in the beginning.
Everything that you can become depends on genetic luck, (hormonal and surgery), the better you
pass as a woman, the more you can be the person that you are.
But I will never identify as a man or as a trans. For both I have no feelings. The reality is that I am a woman
and its sucks that I was born this way.

I have no gain from claiming this... cause I would rather be a man, and/or identify as trans. And I have tried.
I still try sometimes. I dont even like being a woman.

I do think you are right that this is a controversial treatment and it certainly is not a cure. Its not a solution and it
might even increase gender-dysphoria, because living life as a ->-bleeped-<- is hard. Indeed a very very poor substitute for being a genetic female.

Quote from: Sibila on September 23, 2013, 10:26:37 AM
I do think you are right that this is a controversial treatment and it certainly is not a cure. Its not a solution and it
might even increase gender-dysphoria, because living life as a ->-bleeped-<- is hard. Indeed a very very poor substitute for being a genetic female.

I would argue that the treatment is good - not perfect, but good. The success rate statistics are enough for that - 85% of women and 95% of men are happier after transition (if I recall the numbers correctly).

Society is what makes this so controversial. In society, being trans now is not much different than being gay 30-50 years ago.

Quote from: Miss Bungle on September 23, 2013, 11:54:00 AM
I agree with this. (Gives kabit a carrot) Society is and has always been the problem.

I do love carrots... and lettuce, especially lettuce!!
♥

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

Self hatred, really? Sure I wish I was genetically female, now, but I'm not, nor will I be..EVER. I spent 50 years male and used male privilege to do some amazing things, and now I get to do something few humans will ever do, change genders. It's amazing and a gift.

Too bad you're missing out on one of the great adventures in life. I feel sorry for you. I really do.

Quote from: DrZoey on September 23, 2013, 12:43:13 PMToo bad you're missing out on one of the great adventures in life. I feel sorry for you. I really do.

A bit condescending...

Quote from: Silvermist on September 23, 2013, 01:54:16 PM
A bit condescending...

+1.

adventure |adˈven ch ər; əd-|
noun
an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity : her recent adventures in Italy.
• daring and exciting activity calling for enterprise and enthusiasm : she traveled the world in search of adventure | a sense of adventure.
• archaic a commercial speculation.

It sure is an adventure for me!!!

Quote from: kabit on September 23, 2013, 12:05:04 PM
I do love carrots... and lettuce, especially lettuce!!
♥

If society was more accepting and more aware of it, most trans would transition at a younger age with a lot less cost and surgeries.  Now do i hate being trans no, I dont love it either. It is what it is. i have very little time in my life to hate anything.

Hate being trans, wish i could be female, or other wise, not have that overwhelming desire.

Quote from: izzy on September 24, 2013, 09:28:19 AM
If society was more accepting and more aware of it, most trans would transition at a younger age with a lot less cost and surgeries.  Now do i hate being trans no, I dont love it either. It is what it is. i have very little time in my life to hate anything.

Yes. I fall into the lost generation of trans* girls born in the 70s-80s. I already see a huge change in the community from when I investigated and rejected it in the 90s. :'(

Quote from: kabit on September 24, 2013, 03:53:58 PM
Yes. I fall into the lost generation of trans* girls born in the 70s-80s.

Me too.
I also feel like part of that lost generation, the one's that did not really get a chance.

Quote from: Sibila on September 24, 2013, 05:02:13 PM
Me too.
I also feel like part of that lost generation, the one's that did not really get a chance.

We're still better off than the ones born in the 50s and 60s and them better off than the ones born in the 30s and 40s.  The one's born in the 2000s and 2010s I'm sure will feel they lost out on the chances that the 2020s and 2030s get.

This is an interesting question to ask yourself. I would have to say that I do not hate being trans. It is something I am and that is it. Do I wish it was different? Yes. Do I wish I had the easy life of being Cis? Yes. Sad to say, that's just not the straw I got. I do see the point that it is a gift. We have the opportunity that no one else but a trans person can understand. That is the insight to live as both genders. Which I would have to agree is a pretty eye opening experience. However, on the flip side, I absolutely hate what I have to go through as a trans person. Its hard to bare the hate I receive, immediately, from some people. I hate the ignorance I will no doubt face at work. Basically I hate what comes along with being trans, as far as society is concerned. But I relish the personal journey of being trans.

<3 Liv

Short answer? No.

There are things, like anything that happens to you that you can't change that aren't a ball of sunshine. There are challenges and deficits that are unique to it but, no, hating being trans would be hating being what I am and there's just not a place for that in my life. I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a great partner and a job and a home and kitties and the whole nine. Being trans is, to me, only something that I'm aware of in the same way that I'm aware that I'm a big girl. It's just something to compensate for to the degree that I become comfortable with and then move on.

Try not to get caught up in the 'god I wish...' mentality, chick. There's a bunch of old sayings that go in the form of "If wishes were <noun> then <plural noun> would <verb>." and they're all true. Wishing for what you don't have instead of setting a goal to get what you can get out of life is a recipe for misery. Trust me on this one, I've been there and it's way worse than just taking what life gives you and making another cliche for success! (trying to be funny there... maybe notsomuch but meh)

Quote from: Kim 526 on September 21, 2013, 08:58:42 PM
My new GF told me earlier, "I can't help but think you've mutilated yourself." I'm post op. I hate being transsexual and right now I want to put my head under the covers and cry, but i'm supposed to be tough and tough girls don't cry.

Well, here's an update: Thursday night I gave my new GF the heave ho. She was just too hung up about me "making her a lesbian." In addition to "mutilated" she had used words like "pathetic," which rub me the wrong way. So better no GF than an insecure, emotionally abusive one.

hugs,

Kim

Quote from: Kim 526 on September 28, 2013, 09:31:26 AM
Well, here's an update: Thursday night I gave my new GF the heave ho. She was just too hung up about me "making her a lesbian." In addition to "mutilated" she had used words like "pathetic," which rub me the wrong way. So better no GF than an insecure, emotionally abusive one.

hugs,

Kim

Congratulations are in order Kim.  The right people can't come into your life if the wrong people are occupying their space.  Life is a bit like musical chairs in that sense.

Going negative isn't the way to start your transition. Caught up in the politics of self-pity results in just one outcome. Failure. You want to be a success, then start going positive. Negativity is a wasted emotion. Sorry If you don't like someone breaking up your pity party, but given the high suicide rate, we all have a responsibility to make the best of it. Remember there are thousands out there thinking about transitioning.

..........and it is up to us now, to pave the ways forward with appropriate cautions but positive support, mentoring, resources and more.

For me, a transexual..54 years old.. wanting so much to transition.. wanting it more than almost anything.. not ever gonna be complete  as a man but... have a wife of 31 years that is my soul mate I will destroy..that is what I hate. We both lost our parents when young, I am all she has now, we built a life together.. and now I am not sure I can go on living as a man.. It hurts, there is pain, there are consequences..there is regret.
Its complicated. I am looking at my options including taking medication that may numb the pain so I can go on as a man...I am a girl on the inside totally that is not up for debate since I was a child... So I like being a woman but I don't like that my body does not match my mind. After considering suicide and crying a river of tears the last few weeks yes I hate it.. I admit it..I am in limbo just as I have been 54 years.. I am trapped. I have always been a great problem solver.. and this puzzle has too many missing pieces..can't seem to put it all together..
Carrie

I'm not sure if hate is the word to describe it. I do hate all I have missed out on by not transitioning sooner but I love who I'm becoming and the girl I have embraced.

Quote from: carrie359 on September 30, 2013, 01:28:45 PM
For me, a transexual..54 years old.. wanting so much to transition.. wanting it more than almost anything.. not ever gonna be complete  as a man but... have a wife of 31 years that is my soul mate I will destroy..that is what I hate. We both lost our parents when young, I am all she has now, we built a life together.. and now I am not sure I can go on living as a man.. It hurts, there is pain, there are consequences..there is regret.
Its complicated. I am looking at my options including taking medication that may numb the pain so I can go on as a man...I am a girl on the inside totally that is not up for debate since I was a child... So I like being a woman but I don't like that my body does not match my mind. After considering suicide and crying a river of tears the last few weeks yes I hate it.. I admit it..I am in limbo just as I have been 54 years.. I am trapped. I have always been a great problem solver.. and this puzzle has too many missing pieces..can't seem to put it all together..
Carrie

Oh, Carrie ... I so, so, SO understand how you feel. I'm exactly the same age and I, too, have been with my wife for more than 30 years. And, yes, I've known that I was transsexual since I was, maybe not a child, but certainly from my early teens. And I fought it and fought it, and denied it, and tried to live with it, like so many of our generation did. Because who wouldn't do everything they could to live like a 'normal guy' if they were born with a male body, raised as a boy and treated by the whole world like a man? Particularly if they could get by, could persuade the outside world that they were just like any other man - hold down a job, have a marriage and children, all that good stuff.

But here's the thing ... we reach a point where we can't go on pretending any more. And as much as we owe so, so much to our wives and children, we owe something to ourselves, too. Coming to terms with a transsexual husband - let alone father - is incredibly difficult and painful for the ones we love. But if they love us, then the question arises: how much pain are we supposed to bear on their behalf? If they can see that we are hurting, surely they would want us to be happy and fulfilled?

Our partners and children, of all people, see us as male. We're the husband and father. The idea that the person they know will disappear and be replaced by a stranger is terrifying to them - and part of their fear is felt on our behalf. They're scared that we will become victims of other people's intolerance, mockery, hatred and even violence. And I don't know about you, but I'm scared of that too.

But on the other hand, we know, deep inside, that transition is our only hope of finding happiness and fulfillment. So the question is: which is it better to be, an unhappy, agonised pseudo-man ... or a happy, transsexual woman? And, in the end, which will be better for everyone else?

Surely anyone who loves you would prefer you to transition than commit suicide. Surely they would want you to be happy ... because, in the end, they can't be happy living with a man who is evidently in agony.

It's ghastly, I know, to feel like you're hurting the people you love most. It's the biggest reason, by far, that I hate being transsexual. But, in the end, there's only a certain amount of pain that anyone should have to bear. And we have a right to try to find happiness too.

Being a transsexual, in my humble opinion, has too many words to focus on just one. I mean from reading this we all have things in common such as pain (physical and emotional), confusion, feeling incomplete, cheated (time lost, money spent, lives that could have been) and so on. I have spent 28 years in a field that produced horror, lost lives, property damage and all forms of chaos. All while dealing with the issue of transsexualism. I was coerced into being the typical alpha male by everyone I knew over my objections. I do not LIKE the fact I am a transsexual, but all of the coercion, threats, and adversity that I was subjected to has actually aided my transition. I know some of you won't like that last sentence, but think about it. It gave me an iron clad resolve, ability to ignore comments (especially from family and friends), Kevlar skin, and the will and motivation to research and enter the therapist's office totally prepared both for the start of transition, to the end result and conclusion. I know when I am finally at the end of this journey I will do just fine. All I have been subjected to made me the person I am now full of self esteem, confidence, clear in purpose and finally on the right track for me. I have no doubts, fears, worries or other unhealthy mental pudding. I am just trying to say that being thrown in the fire actually refined me to some point. I know this may not be typical, but hey, I didn't really have a typical life. Did any of us?

Quote from: Carlita on October 01, 2013, 04:57:43 AM
Oh, Carrie ... I so, so, SO understand how you feel. I'm exactly the same age and I, too, have been with my wife for more than 30 years. And, yes, I've known that I was transsexual since I was, maybe not a child, but certainly from my early teens. And I fought it and fought it, and denied it, and tried to live with it, like so many of our generation did. Because who wouldn't do everything they could to live like a 'normal guy' if they were born with a male body, raised as a boy and treated by the whole world like a man? Particularly if they could get by, could persuade the outside world that they were just like any other man - hold down a job, have a marriage and children, all that good stuff.

But here's the thing ... we reach a point where we can't go on pretending any more. And as much as we owe so, so much to our wives and children, we owe something to ourselves, too. Coming to terms with a transsexual husband - let alone father - is incredibly difficult and painful for the ones we love. But if they love us, then the question arises: how much pain are we supposed to bear on their behalf? If they can see that we are hurting, surely they would want us to be happy and fulfilled?

Our partners and children, of all people, see us as male. We're the husband and father. The idea that the person they know will disappear and be replaced by a stranger is terrifying to them - and part of their fear is felt on our behalf. They're scared that we will become victims of other people's intolerance, mockery, hatred and even violence. And I don't know about you, but I'm scared of that too.

But on the other hand, we know, deep inside, that transition is our only hope of finding happiness and fulfillment. So the question is: which is it better to be, an unhappy, agonised pseudo-man ... or a happy, transsexual woman? And, in the end, which will be better for everyone else?

Surely anyone who loves you would prefer you to transition than commit suicide. Surely they would want you to be happy ... because, in the end, they can't be happy living with a man who is evidently in agony.

It's ghastly, I know, to feel like you're hurting the people you love most. It's the biggest reason, by far, that I hate being transsexual. But, in the end, there's only a certain amount of pain that anyone should have to bear. And we have a right to try to find happiness too.

I completely understand this too. I told my wife... and our 10 year anniversary passed a month and a half later. She's mourning the lie her life has been, mourning my death, mourning the 4th child she wanted and can't get (from me), and mourning the eventual sale and loss of our house. There's nothing I can do. It's not a choice - and the only choice I made was to be happy and be myself for once in my life.

Now things have settled down a bit. I'm at piece after being in denial over losing her and mourning the loss of my marriage (which I'm sure isn't complete). That's one good thing about still being testosterone filled... (yet I wish I werent)... the mourning isn't so bad. Now I wear my ring on a lavender cord around my neck. I considered stopping wearing it completely, but I want to at least remember. I do still love her, but I think her hate for me is helping that fade... but I'll always love her as a friend.

They're not kidding when they say you need to be willing to give up everything. I know I need to. I choose happiness and a hopefully longer life than what I'd have if I weren't out of the closet. I choose happiness instead of the misery I'd have if I hid it now (after coming out)... and I'm 100% certain my life would be much longer staying out than trying to hide it forever (I'd have to cope somehow... and however I did it wouldn't be good).

It's all about being happy, knowing who you are, and loving yourself...
...that doesn't mean I can't hate what it's doing to my family, or hate what it means for my social standing.

Quote from: Carlita on October 01, 2013, 04:57:43 AM
Oh, Carrie ... I so, so, SO understand how you feel. I'm exactly the same age and I, too, have been with my wife for more than 30 years. And, yes, I've known that I was transsexual since I was, maybe not a child, but certainly from my early teens. And I fought it and fought it, and denied it, and tried to live with it, like so many of our generation did. Because who wouldn't do everything they could to live like a 'normal guy' if they were born with a male body, raised as a boy and treated by the whole world like a man? Particularly if they could get by, could persuade the outside world that they were just like any other man - hold down a job, have a marriage and children, all that good stuff.

But here's the thing ... we reach a point where we can't go on pretending any more. And as much as we owe so, so much to our wives and children, we owe something to ourselves, too. Coming to terms with a transsexual husband - let alone father - is incredibly difficult and painful for the ones we love. But if they love us, then the question arises: how much pain are we supposed to bear on their behalf? If they can see that we are hurting, surely they would want us to be happy and fulfilled?


Carlita,
You summed it up perfectly.  In all honesty, I am transitioning now.. letting my hair grow, taking finasteride for hair, lost loosing weight before I start HRT.. but at the same time trying to find a way to stop the process ..it may be that my natural feelings have taken over and Carrie is too strong.  Wanting out, wanting to be satisfied. I can do it, I have the financial means for FFS and everything .. I think what I am trying to do is slowly let my wife know I just have to go with it.
I have therapy Friday,,
I want to wish you all the best.. we are not alone at all. I thought I was for so many years.
Carrie

Our partners and children, of all people, see us as male. We're the husband and father. The idea that the person they know will disappear and be replaced by a stranger is terrifying to them - and part of their fear is felt on our behalf. They're scared that we will become victims of other people's intolerance, mockery, hatred and even violence. And I don't know about you, but I'm scared of that too.

But on the other hand, we know, deep inside, that transition is our only hope of finding happiness and fulfillment. So the question is: which is it better to be, an unhappy, agonised pseudo-man ... or a happy, transsexual woman? And, in the end, which will be better for everyone else?

Surely anyone who loves you would prefer you to transition than commit suicide. Surely they would want you to be happy ... because, in the end, they can't be happy living with a man who is evidently in agony.

It's ghastly, I know, to feel like you're hurting the people you love most. It's the biggest reason, by far, that I hate being transsexual. But, in the end, there's only a certain amount of pain that anyone should have to bear. And we have a right to try to find happiness too.

Quote from: carrie359 on October 01, 2013, 08:31:11 AM

It is so! Now, when You have finally accepted Yourself. Your true self - after all those years and decades, she... You are growing stronger and more confident with each day and once You reach that treshold, there will be no painless turning back. She has always been present inside, maybe initially as a some nice and very curious creature, just visiting and peeking out, then as a prisoner and finally as somebody long forgotten and to be shamed about... Now, she has come back as a reigning queen and she is going to have some fun :). YOU are going to have that fun! And we cannot deny that she has waited oh so long for that and has truly deserved it! I wish You safe journey :)

Quote from: -Emily- on October 01, 2013, 04:46:34 PM
It is so! Now, when You have finally accepted Yourself. Your true self - after all those years and decades, she... You are growing stronger and more confident with each day and once You reach that treshold, there will be no painless turning back. She has always been present inside, maybe initially as a some nice and very curious creature, just visiting and peeking out, then as a prisoner and finally as somebody long forgotten and to be shamed about... Now, she has come back as a reigning queen and she is going to have some fun :). YOU are going to have that fun! And we cannot deny that she has waited oh so long for that and has truly deserved it! I wish You safe journey :)

Wow,
Emily, I enjoyed that so much... so much emotion.. It does seem almost like when the Jeannie is trapped in the bottle.. the cork popped and walla.. out she comes with nothing to stop her..It seems like a natural journey..one we can not deny.

I'm just starting out on my journey, I can't say I hate it but I do dislike some aspects of it. Yeah, there is a sense of self hatred of myself that I couldn't just be normal and happy with myself but just acknowledging to myself that this is who I am and accept that fact has greatly reduced that self hatred by quite a bit. Then that feeling that you are a failure because you can't live up to your family's dream/wishes for you. Or at least that's how I feel when my parents give me a male compliment about how proud they are of how I turned out to be a respectable, kind and strong man. That's something that tears me up inside and makes me feel bad knowing that there's no way I'll ever live up to their dreams that they have for me. But hey it's my life to live and not theirs so in the end I need to live for me.
Not knowing what will happen with family and friends is another thing that I'm not too keen about either but that's just life in general as even if I were completely normal there's no guarantee that everything would just be all glitter and unicorns with how I'd see my life going if I continue to live the lie.
The positive side of it is at least I can FINALLY be happy with whom I am after almost 20 years of feeling wrong for so long and you just can't put a price on that. By far that happiness I feel being the real me out weighs all of the downsides I feel. I'd rather face the uncertainty of my own future than to continue to live a huge lie and always feel miserable that there is a void in my life that can never be filled from living a lie and crushing up and hiding my true feelings.

I think for me,it's not being TS that is the big thing,it's the unintended consequences that went along with it. Trying so hard to be "normal" and fit into "acceptable" norms. And I failed miserably. The one thing I can not shake is somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a factor in my second wives suicide. Not that it was all of it but somehow I just couldn't be what she needed. (She always told me it was like living with another woman) It's been over 13 years and I still can't shake it. It is the hardest thing trying to put behind me in this.

Quote from: SarahM777 on October 01, 2013, 08:36:11 PM
I think for me,it's not being TS that is the big thing,it's the unintended consequences that went along with it. Trying so hard to be "normal" and fit into "acceptable" norms. And I failed miserably. The one thing I can not shake is somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a factor in my second wives suicide. Not that it was all of it but somehow I just couldn't be what she needed. (She always told me it was like living with another woman) It's been over 13 years and I still can't shake it. It is the hardest thing trying to put behind me in this.

Oh, Sarah. Some wounds never heal no matter how much time passes. It seems that the best we can hope for is for the ache to lessen.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Hate is a powerful word! I don't hate being transsexual because I love myself. I realized that it is the world who forces their beliefs and standards on others, making you feel lesser than you are. I would have been happier if I was born a woman. I accept the fact that I wasn't and that isn't gonna change. I feel that I personally struggled with wanting to be a genetic woman, and fit in as one of them. My gender is separate from male or female, I am a different kind of woman. I want people to accept me for who I am, and all that I am. I am not a man, I am not a genetic woman, I am a trans-woman, and I love it baby!  :-*

Hate seems like the wrong word for me. I have felt a lot of pain and face a lot of challenges because of it. I have faced other challenges before, and they have prepared me for this. I also know that one day I'll be able to apply the strength that I have gained from transition later on in my life.

I do see this as valuable because if I were given the chance to be born in a female body free of genetic condition then I would still want to retain the experience of my life as it is now.

Quote from: Constance on October 01, 2013, 09:43:04 PM
Oh, Sarah. Some wounds never heal no matter how much time passes. It seems that the best we can hope for is for the ache to lessen.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Thanks Connie,

Maybe there's a lesson in there. I have become aware that even though I'm the one that has to deal with most of it,what I do with it does affect those around me,and maybe I have become a bit more sensitive to them too.

I can honestly say, yes. I hate being transsexual, but only one part of it.  I hate that I wasn't just born the way I should have been.

Then there's this, I love being a transsexual.  Not because of it being transsexual, but because of the things it ultimately gives you, even if you feel it's nothing but crap.  Having gone through this, we become more resilient.  Not only that but being exposed to issues like this gives us a heck of a lot of understanding when other people have their problems.  That, and ultimately at the end of the day, some of us- I hope most of us, become much happier people on the other side.  That's always a great feeling.

It really depends on what you want to see, I'm fairly okay with being Transsexual.

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 04, 2013, 10:58:39 AM
I can honestly say, yes. I hate being transsexual, but only one part of it.  I hate that I wasn't just born the way I should have been.

On that I can't say I hate it. I wish I'd come out earlier, but it's something few people have - the desire to change and the experience of having both.

But I am super jealous of FAABs...

Quote from: kabit on October 04, 2013, 12:21:52 PM
On that I can't say I hate it. I wish I'd come out earlier, but it's something few people have - the desire to change and the experience of having both.

But I am super jealous of FAABs...

Eh, I legitimately just want normality. Make me ugly, make me sick, but make me a woman and I'll be happy.

Quote from: carrie359 on September 30, 2013, 01:28:45 PM
For me, a transexual..54 years old.. wanting so much to transition.. wanting it more than almost anything.. not ever gonna be complete  as a man but... have a wife of 31 years that is my soul mate I will destroy..that is what I hate. We both lost our parents when young, I am all she has now, we built a life together.. and now I am not sure I can go on living as a man.. It hurts, there is pain, there are consequences..there is regret.
Its complicated. I am looking at my options including taking medication that may numb the pain so I can go on as a man...I am a girl on the inside totally that is not up for debate since I was a child... So I like being a woman but I don't like that my body does not match my mind. After considering suicide and crying a river of tears the last few weeks yes I hate it.. I admit it..I am in limbo just as I have been 54 years.. I am trapped. I have always been a great problem solver.. and this puzzle has too many missing pieces..can't seem to put it all together..
Carrie

Hello Carrie! I understand to some degree how you feel, so please understand my intention is of good heart. You are 54 years of age, and you have been married for 31 years. It is apparent to me that you had GID far longer than you have been married. I understand that your wife is very important to you and you love her. I don't know how your wife feels about transsexuals, but if she is your soul mate allow her to know your soul, your true feelings, if she really loves you, she can live with any decision to make to become healthier and feel more alive and happy. Who wouldn't want that for someone they care for? I am not telling you to go through with it, but sometimes we need to take risks, you may never know how she may respond to it. I had a best friend for 19 years and just recently found out he was into guys. The decision of course is yours, I wish you the best with any decision you make!

There are *aspects* of it I hate.  The pain.  The hurt.  The delays.  The hoops.  The loss.  The rejection.

I would off-load and cast aside this burden in an instant.  I think.

I think because I'll never know what that would be like.  This isn't a fad, a game, a diversion, perversion or whatever-the-hell-naysayers say.  It is part of me.  I could no more get rid of it than I could change my height, race, or species type.  As such, I have embraced it and do NOT hate it.

Quote from: JenAtLast on October 05, 2013, 07:59:07 PM
There are *aspects* of it I hate.  The pain.  The hurt.  The delays.  The hoops.  The loss.  The rejection.

I would off-load and cast aside this burden in an instant.  I think.

I think because I'll never know what that would be like.  This isn't a fad, a game, a diversion, perversion or whatever-the-hell-naysayers say.  It is part of me.  I could no more get rid of it than I could change my height, race, or species type.  As such, I have embraced it and do NOT hate it.

Wonderful and insightful.

Yes, there are certain things about the process that are absolutely terrible. 

But I do not identify as transsexual, trans-anything... these are labels... we are human beings.  I identify as a woman, except when I was little, when I identified as a girl and had not learned any of the labels yet.

For clinical purposes, though, I have to check the boxes on the form and endure the bureaucracy, tell them what they want to hear so I can get a driving licence and a passport that says F; grovel to get permission to have my birth defect corrected.  I'm wondering if I should also lie and say that I've turned 'straight'; but then again they may force me to take another HIV test, as that would lump me in with their 'gay male' study group.

The real me might disqualify me in the eyes of 'professionals' from the straight community, who impose their standards on us, suddenly finding ethics (ethics that they never had when dispensing ritalin like candy).  Presuming to dictate to me what a woman should and should not be, who her partners should and shouldn't be, shouldn't be too outspoken... reasonably clever but not too intelligent... and certainly never bruise a fragile male ego.

But then again... for me Feminism has always been about every woman's freedom to be herself.   

But the revolution hasn't happened yet.  So I check the boxes and move on, and work to help younger people in the same position as I am, so that they shouldn't have to go through what I went through.   The standards-makers don't count the youth suicides... but our small communities do.

Quote from: Karla on October 08, 2013, 09:51:43 AM
But then again... for me Feminism has always been about every woman's freedom to be herself.   

For me too! and every man for that matter.
But at the moment that is often not what feminism is about unfortunately.

Quote from: Sibila on October 08, 2013, 10:05:50 AM
For me too! and every man for that matter.
But at the moment that is often not what feminism is about unfortunately.

Yes! We're the 4th wave.

4th wave, rising up !

Pack the gin.

Quote from: kabit on October 08, 2013, 10:21:39 AM
Yes! We're the 4th wave.

Quote from: Joules on October 08, 2013, 12:22:28 PM
If only.  Feminism has been so damaged by waves 1, 2 and 3, we'd do better to find a new handle before we embark.

In that case, I'd avoid the terms "feminism" and "feminist."
It really isn't a female only issue. It covers a very broad spectrum of gender... and it makes sense for us to be at the forefront of it.

"Gender Rights" ? I realize mysogeny and male (and cis) privilige are big issues, but men should definitely be included. Male privilige is as not extended to those who don't strive toward that masculine ideal. I've certainly benefited from privilige, but not nearly as much as most men (just far more than most women :( ).

Don't go hating on feminism, peeps. 3rd wave and post feminists have done more for our cause than we normally are wont to recognize.

I'm a pretty staunch feminist, just for the record.

We're also not at the forefront of anything alone. Our battles are only won day by day with the aid of those who accept us and see our cause as true and just. Without them, we'd be nowhere so, let's not get too sanctimonious, shall we?

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on October 08, 2013, 12:33:46 PM
Don't go hating on feminism, peeps. 3rd wave and post feminists have done more for our cause than we normally are wont to recognize.

I'm a pretty staunch feminist, just for the record.

We're also not at the forefront of anything alone. Our battles are only won day by day with the aid of those who accept us and see our cause as true and just. Without them, we'd be nowhere so, let's not get too sanctimonious, shall we?

I've had very, very, very bad experience with feminists in regards to the MTF community. Very bad experiences.  I don't think they do crap for us, because they usually tend to think we're just men trying to invade "the only thing they have."

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 08, 2013, 02:07:41 PM
I've had very, very, very bad experience with feminists in regards to the MTF community. Very bad experiences.  I don't think they do crap for us, because they usually tend to think we're just men trying to invade "the only thing they have."

I just can't wait until I can come out on Facebook. There are a few feminists I think will accept me... but I'm really, really curious!! They don't reject me now as a male (presenting) feminist... so...

That's the problem - there are so many different kinds of feminists that the word gets corrupted. I can't think of many places where men are that the word "feminist" would be taken positively. I think a change in vocabulary would help bring men into the fold. It's a discussion all people need to be involved in... not just us women.

I can't say I didn't think that way sometimes, but... this is the way I am and my body don't have to determinate who I am, so..I'm going to be the best that I can be an Enjoy every single moment in my life, so.. what if I born Transexual, I'm a women and I'm proud of it

:)

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 08, 2013, 02:07:41 PM
I've had very, very, very bad experience with feminists in regards to the MTF community. Very bad experiences.  I don't think they do crap for us, because they usually tend to think we're just men trying to invade "the only thing they have."

There are different groups of feminists. The "terfs" as they are sometimes called tend to treat transsexuals in a truly abhorrent and cruel manner. Others have either been open to us or have warmed to us over the years (such as Gloria Steinem's recent declaration of support for transwomen).

While I won't tolerate bigotry against me, I am not going to hold it against someone who seems to be changing or trying to change. How can I hold such against them when I myself have had to learn to face the truth, face myself, and adapt to that reality? So if a feminist seems to be trying to make amends towards the trans community, I'm inclined to give that person the benefit of the doubt. It's just the hard core haters I try to ignore.

Quote from: LizMarie on October 08, 2013, 05:14:05 PM
There are different groups of feminists. The "terfs" as they are sometimes called tend to treat transsexuals in a truly abhorrent and cruel manner. Others have either been open to us or have warmed to us over the years (such as Gloria Steinem's recent declaration of support for transwomen).

While I won't tolerate bigotry against me, I am not going to hold it against someone who seems to be changing or trying to change. How can I hold such against them when I myself have had to learn to face the truth, face myself, and adapt to that reality? So if a feminist seems to be trying to make amends towards the trans community, I'm inclined to give that person the benefit of the doubt. It's just the hard core haters I try to ignore.

I never said once that I judged all feminists the same, I simply said I've had bad experience with feminists.

Me too... during my years of trying to be a guy.  It was confusing and sad... for what it's worth I never tried to be one of those 'male feminists' who pretends to support, then co-opts.

Note please that I said what feminism meant to me personally. 

My mentor is a cis-gender woman in her seventies who fought the early battles, which were very real.  And from what I'm experiencing today, they're far from over. 

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 08, 2013, 06:54:27 PM
I never said once that I judged all feminists the same, I simply said I've had bad experience with feminists.

Quote from: kabit on October 08, 2013, 12:28:55 PM
In that case, I'd avoid the terms "feminism" and "feminist."
It really isn't a female only issue. It covers a very broad spectrum of gender... and it makes sense for us to be at the forefront of it.

"Gender Rights" ? I realize mysogeny and male (and cis) privilige are big issues, but men should definitely be included. Male privilige is as not extended to those who don't strive toward that masculine ideal. I've certainly benefited from privilige, but not nearly as much as most men (just far more than most women :( ).

There is such a thing as female privilige !! I never had any male privilige because I was too feminine as a boy so...but now that I live as a woman I have a much better life in terms of privilige.

Funny, as a man in a man's world I did reap the benefits of the guy world but I never thought about it until later in life. Also looking back, I always treated women as an equal..which would be natural since I have this female brain.
And in reality, with men I always felt a little intimidated. 
Life is funny  sometimes :-\
Carrie

For those following the Feminism part of this topic ... here's a site that describes the 4th wave exactly as we have here:

http://theterfs.com/resources/terminology/ (http://theterfs.com/resources/terminology/)

The site apparently exposes TERF hate speak (probably full of triggers) but as a 4th wave site may be good to keep tabs on.

Quote from: Sibila on October 09, 2013, 10:06:50 AM
There is such a thing as female privilige !! I never had any male privilige because I was too feminine as a boy so...but now that I live as a woman I have a much better life in terms of privilige.

Ill be looking forward to this!

I don't know if this counts as changing my answer.

I love being me. I am transgender.

I'm hurt that I was not afforded the right to live as a woman from day 1.
I'm hurt that I was so bullied and socially repressed that I couldn't even tell my parents about it.
I'm hurt that I was ashamed of it, hid it, and repressed it for so many years (20+).
I'm hurt that I was forced to hurt my family so badly.
I'm hurt that society hates us so much that I'm facing a difficult and dangerous life when I'm fully out and proud.

But most of all, I love to finally be me. I think that outweighs the rest of the pain.

I've been watching this thread and.... thinking.... for a long time.

Do I hate being transsexual? Yes and no.

I hate the pain that my transition is bringing and is going to bring other people. I may be on the verge of a divorce from someone I dearly love and thought I'd grow old with. I hate the loss of friends that I know will inevitably happen, people that hold me in the highest regard right now. I can see it all coming.

But I can't go back to the old life - the alcohol abuse, the unhappiness, the inability to fit in with males. The wrongness of it. The truth has set me free.

While I will be losing a lot of my old life I also expect to gain a lot too. New friends, new life experiences living an authentic life. Very few people get a fresh start, a do over in life, but I do. And very few people have the perspective we have from living on both sides of the gender divide.

Being trans has sucked in many, many ways - but it has also shaped my life and I wouldn't be the person that I am now if I wasn't trans.

~Eva

Quote from: Eva Marie on October 14, 2013, 08:36:14 AM
I've been watching this thread and.... thinking.... for a long time.

Do I hate being transsexual? Yes and no.

I hate the pain that my transition is bringing and is going to bring other people. I may be on the verge of a divorce from someone I dearly love and thought I'd grow old with. I hate the loss of friends that I know will inevitably happen, people that hold me in the highest regard right now. I can see it all coming.

But I can't go back to the old life - the alcohol abuse, the unhappiness, the inability to fit in with males. The wrongness of it. The truth has set me free.

While I will be losing a lot of my old life I also expect to gain a lot too. New friends, new life experiences living an authentic life. Very few people get a fresh start, a do over in life, but I do. And very few people have the perspective we have from living on both sides of the gender divide.

Being trans has sucked in many, many ways - but it has also shaped my life and I wouldn't be the person that I am now if I wasn't trans.

~Eva

Quote from: kabit on October 14, 2013, 06:06:35 AM
I don't know if this counts as changing my answer.

I love being me. I am transgender.

I'm hurt that I was not afforded the right to live as a woman from day 1.
I'm hurt that I was so bullied and socially repressed that I couldn't even tell my parents about it.
I'm hurt that I was ashamed of it, hid it, and repressed it for so many years (20+).
I'm hurt that I was forced to hurt my family so badly.
I'm hurt that society hates us so much that I'm facing a difficult and dangerous life when I'm fully out and proud.

But most of all, I love to finally be me. I think that outweighs the rest of the pain.

Thank you so much, ladies, for expressing so precisely how I - and i'm sure many others - feel!

I think that it's the second thing I most hate in the world. The first one are unsopportive parents.

I had the right people, I could change my mind, but right now It's hell.

Do I like it? No. Do I have any other choice? No.
For the moment, I have to put up with being trans, until transition is complete.

Quote from: Willow on October 14, 2013, 09:58:36 AM
Do I like it? No. Do I have any other choice? No.
For the moment, I have to put up with being trans, until transition is complete.

I agree 100% with Willow until transition is complete and I can live comfortably as the way I was meant to be.  :)

Do you hate being transsexual?

Now why would it be an issue if you passed 100% all of the time? and most of the people didn't know your origins. I think the core of the statement is being perceived as transsexual rather than being perceived as female.

Surely no one who undertakes a transition wants to be regarded as 'transgendered' or 'transsexual' after transition? it should be a private thing and it shouldn't be physically obvious to others. I wouldn't like it known that I was transsexual to my present friends or neighbours etc. It's not something I want to promote. I do hate being transsexual as there is still a stigma involved which can be very damaging which ever way it's presented. It's also no good explaining it to anyone or trying to get gold stars for being pretty much female looking for the last 30 years.

I don't hate hate being transsexual after all it is who I am without it being my fault, I quite enjoy being able to have the best of both worlds I get to be a father to my wonderful daughters while being able to be girly as well, but others judgments does get to me sometimes they just know what they see but I am more than that.

Emily.T xx

Quote from: Emily.T on November 06, 2013, 04:22:05 AM
I don't hate hate being transsexual after all it is who I am without it being my fault, I quite enjoy being able to have the best of both worlds I get to be a father to my wonderful daughters while being able to be girly as well, but others judgments does get to me sometimes they just know what they see but I am more than that.

Emily.T xx

Emily, I would have loved to have children but I wasn't fully functional as a male and couldn't facilitate that opportunity. It was very hard when I saw all my friends with kids and always left me tearful. It is a huge gap in my life no having kids. You are very lucky to have the 'best of both worlds' as you put it.

I just hate the uncertainty of my life at the moment, and the fact that im aware that within the next couple of years im gonna be losing freinds that i think of quite highly and maybe even family members! Also im gonna have to change jobs, as the place im working at tat the moment just isn't gonna accept me! :/

However this is massively outweighed by the hope that im feeling, and the thought that it WILL all be worth it!
I cannot wait to look in the mirror and gradually see myself transforming into the woman i want to be, and see this ugly "man" gradually becoming a thing of the past. I cannot wait for my outside to finally match my inner feelings! i cannot wait for people to regard me as Zoe, and i really can't wait until i can change my name to Zoe Louise Taylor, and i can see that "f" on my official documents!

Its gonna be such a rollercoaster, and at the moment i feel quite depressed, and anxious about my future and i am really hating it at tyhe moment!

But the thing that is holding me together is the fact that i know it will all be worth it, as in the next few years im gonna be transitioning into a beautiful woman! and i cannot wait!!!!

Xx

Quote from: Zoe Louise Taylor on November 06, 2013, 05:02:10 AM

I cannot wait to look in the mirror and gradually see myself transforming into the woman i want to be, and see this ugly "man" gradually becoming a thing of the past. I cannot wait for my outside to finally match my inner feelings! i cannot wait for people to regard me as Zoe, and i really can't wait until i can change my name to Zoe Louise Taylor, and i can see that "f" on my official documents!

But the thing that is holding me together is the fact that i know it will all be worth it, as in the next few years im gonna be transitioning into a beautiful woman! and i cannot wait!!!!

Xx

Back in the day 12 or so years ago I had everyone telling me I will transition really well as I looked quite feminine to start with, passed as a female sometimes when presenting as male, I wasn't tall, had a female sounding voice, and had a an endomophic bodyshape.

But of course the reality is after a decade of HRT and anti-androgens I look pretty much the same. I wasn't able to improve on what I already had and my expectations were far higher than the true reality of the limitations of transition.

I hate all the hoops we are forced to jump thru just to have one life. I'm now in my mid 50's. I knew I was a girl/woman since childhood & so many times I tried to improve my life, so many therapists, talk, talk. Having to wait & wait for something.

My dear mother tried to help me stop the T stuff & correct my body in my teens however no doctor would do anything except say it's a stage in this boys life, he will grow out of it. So I was stuck with all the T male stuff going into my body & other people trying to make me be a man. That was so wrong!!!

Etc......... I could go on all day.

I love being a woman. I do not even like the term transS. For myself I'm a woman with some of the wrong body parts that need to be removed or changed. 

Anyway my vent for the day. Going shopping today for some new dresses with a nice cis woman friend.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on November 06, 2013, 05:46:21 AM
I hate all the hoops we are forced to jump thru just to have one life. I'm now in my mid 50's. I knew I was a girl/woman since childhood & so many times I tried to improve my life, so many therapists, talk, talk. Having to wait & wait for something.

Yes, same here. You must also be in the U.K? the hoops I went through for 20 years were unforgivable!

Quote from: FrancisAnn on November 06, 2013, 05:46:21 AM
Anyway my vent for the day. Going shopping today for some new dresses with a nice cis woman friend.

I don't like dresses. Funny that! but I don't. For a start I don't have the legs for it and I prefer skinny jeans and boots!

Naturally Blonde. No I grew up in rural Alabama, USA. No one would even think about changing or correcting gender in my early years. All just ignored it. I was stuck, just stuck.

It's my fault that I did not change years & years ago. I never had the money. Fired from several jobs for trying to dress & become a woman & work.

Now kind of retired with $ & past time I made some real changes to my body.

Love dresses & everything really as normal/a woman. Live full time & having electroysis to eliminate that ugly problem.

Please have a great day your way, girl friend.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on November 06, 2013, 04:27:25 AM
Emily, I would have loved to have children but I wasn't fully functional as a male and couldn't facilitate that opportunity. It was very hard when I saw all my friends with kids and always left me tearful. It is a huge gap in my life no having kids. You are very lucky to have the 'best of both worlds' as you put it.

Trans* women can have kids... adopt! :) Still... even that is difficult to do.

I have kids from my marriage. It's painful to be the male in that, but it is still rewarding. I know that if I knew what lay ahead, I would have chosen to transition earlier - before getting married... I'm glad I did not have that knowledge. The "best of both worlds" is also much, much more painful than the alternative. Who we are can cause a lot of pain in others' lives - which isn't to say it's our fault (rather it's theirs for their unacceptance, or at least society's for building that hate and fear). Given the chance, I'd have spared them the pain.

We carry a lot of that pain too - but I hope I'm thinking of them in this more than of myself. If it was all about me, and given that knowledge of what was to come, the decision to have the kids and screw everyone else would lie closer to equal... (despite the hardships I'll be heading into myself). Sparing others their pain, or at least lessening it, is what I want.

I've spent my whole life in terrible pain because my  body was wrong. I've done every thing in my life to get rid of the pain. drugs, cross dressing ,prostitution  denial, abstinence many years of psychotherapy. I thought for a very long time that being transgender was just another name for prostitution. I've learned I was so wrong. I'm just beginning to transition. I've decided to accept myself for who I am and fully embrace my self as a transsexual .  It's not going to be easy but it's truly my only path forward. Besides all humans are genetically split evenly male and female. To answer the question  I love being trans.

In a word, yes. I hate it. I don't hate it in the sense that realizing I was transgender made me miserable. If anything the opposite, starting to deal with my gender identity disorder has made me happier than anything I can remember doing. But it's also made me realize how badly I missed out on what my life could have been if I'd just been born a girl in the first place. The experiences I might have had, the people I might have known, the things that I'll never be able to have... It has all started to weigh on me pretty heavily. A few times over the past two weeks, when I've been by myself, I have just broken down and started crying because of how badly I wish I could have those things. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and just fix that one screwed up chromosome that made my life miserable for so many years. The sick irony is that while the tools we have available now to deal with gender identity disorder are far better than nothing, in another century or two I think we'll probably have the technology to just put someone in a new body any time they feel like it. So basically, I am the victim of a genetic coin flip gone wrong, and/or being born 100 years too early. Yea, I know, it could always be worse, but somehow that doesn't make me feel any better...

I don't think anyone would choose to suffer from GD, but what I really hated was the feeling that there was nothing I could do about it, especially transitioning.  Would I prefer to be cisgender either way?  Probably.  Who's to say?

All I know is most of my fears of transitioning turned out to be unfounded, I'm happy now and eating a bullet is now off the menu.

I don't hate being me anymore and having hope for the first time is priceless.  I will be along for the entire ride.

Quote from: evecrook on November 06, 2013, 01:41:16 PM
I love being trans.

Me too and it is sooo much better than hating anything!

Quote from: Jill F on November 06, 2013, 03:21:25 PM
I don't think anyone would choose to suffer from GD, but what I really hated was the feeling that there was nothing I could do about it, especially transitioning.  Would I prefer to be cisgender either way?  Probably.  Who's to say?

All I know is most of my fears of transitioning turned out to be unfounded, I'm happy now and eating a bullet is now off the menu.

I don't hate being me anymore and having hope for the first time is priceless.  I will be along for the entire ride.

I find your dynamic journey priceless and feel delighted to share the ride with girls like you!

Crank up the music and rock on girls!

I love being a woman. For me, it's like Christmas every day. Does it ever end? I never predicted it could feel this great. I never felt so alive. Can you call it gender euphoria? I'm a woman, but being trans was infinitely better than being imprisoned for life in a male body.

I admit, trans is a necessary evil. A means to an end. However, keep an unwavering focus on that goal and experience transition blossom into womanhood. Dreams are possible.

I have my good days and my bad days. Some days i love every second of being a woman, i love getting to do my makeup, paint my nails, wear a skirt or dress, or even wear tighter fitting jeans. But then some days i hate every second of it. I barely do anything those days. I may shower but not shave anything, not think about makeup, or any of the other things that normally bring me so much happiness in life. Some of those days i even end up collapsing in the shower crying my eyes out asking God why me....why can't i just be happy with the body i was born in, why does He hate me so much, why couldn't i have just been born a girl inside and out....why?

Sorry if this post triggers anyone and before yall suggest i seek therapy I'm already on meds for my bipolar but some days those aren't enough.

Hi Kari Ann I know exactly how you feel my weeks are full of ups and Downs I also suffer from bipolar and chronic depression but as you said meds only do so much most days I'm OK with it all but there's other days where I don't even get out of bed mostly I try to find something positive to focus on each day whether its feeling good by wearing a sexy bra and panties or on a bad day ignore it altogether and just be a man for the day .

I wish you the best of luck on your journey

Emily.T xx

I avoided posting for a long while I formulated an opinion.

I agree with those who said regrets for not doing something at and early age.

I hated myself for all but the last 9 months. I am learning to live as me, which feels wonderful. People who are ignorant and are bigots suck.

life might have been easier born with female body parts ,but my problem with that idea is that if I was born a genetic female I might have wanted just as bad to be male. The problem might be a defect that goes beyond gender and I'd be in the same boat. I just love the Idea of being a woman.

Quote from: evecrook on November 06, 2013, 08:01:57 PM
life might have been easier born with female body parts ,but my problem with that idea is that if I was born a genetic female I might have wanted just as bad to be male. The problem might be a defect that goes beyond gender and I'd be in the same boat. I just love the Idea of being a woman.

I don't fear that because I don't understand it (sorry guys!!!!!)

As a cis woman, I would not have fully appreciated what I had been given. As a trans woman I appreciate what I don't have.

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

Truthfully I've been browsing this forum throughout the day. Aside from seeing Ranma I think the overall feeling I got was negative. There's no way of putting it, but being born Cis is better than this. I'm 19, almost 11 months hrt, I almost never leave the house and when I do it's Starbucks, drive through, salted caramel frappucino please. Truthfully beyond that I'm nothing but hopelessness and uncertainty.

Depression, heartache,  a longing to change my birth gender.

I guess it's better than trying to live as male, which is where I'm stuck at now, and there is the hope that things can change, but with so much doubt, lack of family support and envy, jealously that manipulates my emotions constantly.

Do I hate being trans? Yes, but I hate being male more.

BB, find some friends, open up some, trust me it is not good at all for yourself to hold this inside.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on November 06, 2013, 09:32:47 PM
BB, find some friends, open up some, trust me it is not good at all for yourself to hold this inside.

I agree!! It's hard enough transitioning with crazy cis-family...
I'm looking for people just starting out like me in the area... maybe it's time to go to the "local" group (which is NOT on a good night for me).

Quote from: kariann330 on November 06, 2013, 04:23:46 PM
Some of those days i even end up collapsing in the shower crying my eyes out asking God why me....why can't i just be happy with the body i was born in, why does He hate me so much, why couldn't i have just been born a girl inside and out....why?

This pretty much sums up why I became an atheist, despite being raised catholic and going to a catholic school. When I was a teenager I used to lay awake at night for hours just praying that I would wake up as a girl the next day. Of course, it never happened, and eventually I started to get angry and pray that if I couldn't have the life I wanted, why don't you just kill me now so at least I don't have to live a life I hate. But of course, that didn't work either. After having my prayers answered with nothing but cold, indifferent silence, I eventually realized the only reasonable explanations were, that either no one was listening, or that if someone was listening, they didn't care that I was suffering. They didn't even care enough to offer me an explanation, let alone help. I would rather choose to believe that no one was listening than that they were listening and allowed me to keep suffering by choice.

Quote from: BurningBrilliance on November 06, 2013, 09:16:13 PM
Truthfully I've been browsing this forum throughout the day. Aside from seeing Ranma I think the overall feeling I got was negative.

Hehe, I really wonder how many people around here watched Ranma when they were growing up. For me watching Ranma was a method of escapism, but it was one of the most pleasant forms of escapism I have ever experienced. Wouldn't it be great if changing genders was really that easy? I remember on a few occasions, running cold water in the shower and then hopping in for a few seconds just to see if it would work. I didn't really expect it to, but you have to cling to hope where you can I guess. *sigh*

Quote from: BurningBrilliance on November 06, 2013, 09:16:13 PM
Do I hate being trans? Yes, but I hate being male more.

My thoughts exactly. For so many years I tried to just keep living as male and push the thoughts of being transsexual far into the back of my head. I thought that if I just didn't think about it, I could live my life without ever having to confront it. And yet doing so just made me more and more miserable with each passing day. I just couldn't be happy living as a male, even if I couldn't logically explain why I felt that way. Admitting to myself that I am transsexual and that I can't be happy without accepting that I am, has made me feel so much better. While I really hate that I couldn't have just been born as the right gender and been able to live to life I wanted from the start, being transsexual is still way better than having to maintain an identity that is fundamentally incompatible with who I actually am.

The only thing I don't like is the testosterone that used to be in my system, my formally blaming head, body hair and voice. Right now aides from my voice I'm happy to call myself transgender.