How do you deal with people looking at you so annoyingly with an unbearable look? Most of the times these people stare at you right onto your face for a long time. It's even more annoying when it's children, I wanna give them a large slap. These looks are not a compliment, they are looking by sheer curiosity as if you're a new brand of species to them and in their head it's like they are saying 'What the hell is this creature'? I don't have the courage to look back at them, I made as if I'm looking at something else but I know very well they are staring at me.
How do you deal with that? I hate those looks. >:(
I know a lot of people here are unable to do this, but I am blessed/cursed with being a very outgoing personality and am also confrontational when someone is misbehaving.
When I get the piercing stare I make deliberate eye contact and if I think it's just a matter of their curiosity then I will smile and say, "Nice day isn't it?" or something politely appropriate. If I sense any malevolence in the stare I say in a loud enough voice for everyone close by to hear, "What the he** are you looking at?" Since they have either clocked you or think that you are some kind of weird freak of nature, 99% of the time they will become so embarrassed realizing that others close by realize that they were staring at you that they will invariably scurry away without any reply. It's sort of a reverse psychology whereby I turn their stuff back on them. Meanwhile, if it wasn't for having to rebuke that individual usually no-one else in the room would have even noticed you.
Hi Silent Killer
Quote from: Silent Killer on September 02, 2012, 10:32:42 AM
How do you deal with that?
Firstly, children will always see straight though you, so don't worry about them. They basically stare at anyone different. It's not as though you are being singled out.
Secondly, confidence play a BIG part of your "out and about" life. Those that do stare, glance back at them with a a big wicked smile on your face, that says, "If you only knew what you're missing" usually shuts them up.
Personally I don't have a problem with people staring at me. Most of them that do compare me to the average woman they see round me and wonder why I'm dressed so impeccably and the others aren't. I also catch THAT glimpse out of the corner of my eye of guys eyeing me off. :laugh:
But generally speaking, if some one has a problem with the way I look. Guess what? It's their problem NOT mine. Takes all the pressure off me and puts it directly on them. Allows me to have a stress free day. Not so sure about them. But who cares. Not me that's for sure.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Silent Killer on September 02, 2012, 10:32:42 AM
It's even more annoying when it's children, I wanna give them a large slap.
Once a little girl was giving me a good long look and i said " So what do you see?"
She replied " You look like mommy".
This was years before i had my awakening. It was another of those "Is he Gay or a fem?" moments.
Gender programming seems to start pretty early doesn't it?
Indeed ! children are very clued into what they are looking at, and will often say exactly what they mean too,. Gender programming begins as early as kindergarden rly, where I think kids start to learn about themselves and others around them. Much of the programming comes from our parents as they basically tell us how to 'behave' and how not to.
the only advise about stares in public, is DO NOT rise to it. You will make it worse, and will not win any cookies by insulting people. Better to ignore, and walk away. If your in a shop and its also rude remarks towards you, or attitudes you think discriminate against you in some way, ask to talk to the manager and have a private word !.
Catherine x
I find that it depends on my own mood at the time. If I'm feeling good to begin with, it generally doesn't bother me. Sometimes I simply look them in the eye and smile -- about half the time they smile back and we both move on. When they don't return the smile, I just tell myself, "That's a rude person," and I feel bad for him/her.
But what I learned a long time ago is that people look at people all the time! Most of us are "people-watchers" and so you and I should not assume that someone's staring means they're thinking anything negative.... I know that sometimes it's easier said than done, that "that" look can cut right through us if we're feeling less-than-confident; but honestly, I generally find that most folks just look out of passing curiosity or normal people-watching.
Of course if I'm feeling down, self-conscious to begin with, not at all confident in who I am, then EVERY look and glance scares the hell out of me. In those moments, I might lash out rudely to the starer -- but I don't like myself when I do that, because it means I've let the other person rule how I feel about myself. So, I work at feeling better about myself generally, which usually leads to not caring so much what others think.
As for children, they don't know they're being rude. They're just curious. And as Catherine Sarah said above, kids do see right through us, so try to not take it personally. Most often, I find that a smile aimed at them, even maybe a "knowing smile" as if we have a special secret just between us, works just fine.
If they are an adult, I stare back. They usually will look away. If they don't, I glare at them. If they are male, I smile slightly and dip my head. Flirting scares the hell out of them. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Children are easier. As a grandmother and a great grandmother, I smile at them and wave. They usually will smile back, and then I am just another woman to them.
Quote from: Lavenderblooz31 on September 02, 2012, 11:15:31 AM
As for children, they don't know they're being rude. They're just curious. And as Catherine Sarah said above, kids do see right through us, so try to not take it personally. Most often, I find that a smile aimed at them, even maybe a "knowing smile" as if we have a special secret just between us, works just fine.
Probably the best most level headed advice yet!
I usually just go my way and pay little attention to those people. Just a short smile or something and then just pretend I don't notice it. As soon as you learn just to ignore it, you won't even notice it anymore.
I stare back. Even when they look away, I keep staring. Try to give them the same weirded-out look they're giving you.
Having adults stare and children being confrontational is all apart of developing a thick skin. If your going to transition and you do not look like the Cis then this type of behaviour from the Cis is what you will have to learn how to accept as a part of your daily life. Sure it sucks at first but after awhile it's really not a big deal and you find that most people are really OK. Yesterday a boy of about four or five in front of a crowd of people I do not know asked me if I was a girl, with a smile on my face I said yes. Then he asked me if I was a real girl, and again with a smile on my face I said yes. Like Shantel I also can be confrontational when needed, I am not afraid of getting in someones face if there behaviour is unacceptable. Walking away in my opinion gives people the impression that it is OK to treat us like ->-bleeped-<-, which it is not. Of course everyone has there own way of dealing with people who are not either educated about us or who are just plain old fashioned bigots.
I think being stared at is one thing that will seem totally familiar to me once I start transitioning in full, not that it won't be uncomfortable. Being in a wheelchair, I get a lot of stares from kids and some from a few socially stunted adults. When I was younger, my Mother would get angry and snap, "How do you like it when I stare at you?", but that always made me more embarrassed.
Now, I just ignore, smile, or joke. Last year, a young boy approached me and inquired if I was a robot. My answer was short and monotone -- "Yes, I am." What does it matter what people think? As long as you're happy with yourself, you're golden.
Now, a dose of reality: If you don't fit comfortably into people's preconceived notion of the gender binary, you're going to be stared at. No amount of education or political correctness can overcome 200,000 years of human evolution, at least in the short term. If you're androgynous, genderqueer, two-spirited, etc, you only have two choices:
1. Work harder to pass.
2. Accept that you're awesome and that no amount of staring should make you feel bad about yourself.
Ignore it. I'm a blonde foreigner in Asia, so on top of transitioning I look nothing like anyone in my town and I have only seen maybe 10 foreigners in four months and only in the larger cities when I was sight seeing. So, I just ignore it. They don't know me and at the end of the day, they won't remember me beyond "Hey honey, you won't believe I saw this foreigner of a gender which I am not sure." The folks who have asked me "Are you a man or woman?" take me at face value when I was say guy.
As for kids, I have had kids here ask me if I am 1.) Old, since my hair is light, 2.) What are those shiny things in my face? (piercings) and 3.) Ask to me say a random word in English and one little girl made my day by telling me I looked nicer than her big brother. So I assume kids are looking at me because I look pretty different from what they are used too. Most of them are trying to figure out the world, after all.
Quote from: Ayden on September 02, 2012, 06:00:16 PM
The folks who have asked me "Are you a man or woman?" take me at face value when I was say guy.
Good one Ayden! That brings to mind the number of times I've even been asked by other TG types, "Hey are you MtF or FtM?" My response was always, take your pick! :laugh: Guess a good sense of humor is really quite helpful.
I was walking down the street today getting some looks, and I decided to stick my tongue out at anyone who had a lingering eye. It was fun to do, and effective in snapping them out of it. I don't much care what these strangers think of me. I am free!
odd thing happened yesterday in San Francisco, we were shopping at the downtown Galleria mall and there was a very tall, very pretty trans girl working in a store we were in...I was in boy mode (ugh) and the girl kept staring at ME lol, I just smiled and said "Hi" in my best girly manner...I'm quite sure she figured me out :) but it looked like she was wondering pretty hard for a minute or two.
While out and about I saw quite a few trans girls and boys and didnt really notice people staring at them or making comments...maybe its just this city
I accept their challenge and pounce them, should I win I take whatever falls off of them in the fury as my trophy. Last time I got 2 teeth and a left ear. But in all seriousness, smile and wave at kids, blush and wave at the guys. If they are gonna stare like that at least make them a part of that and embarrass them. One time I even got a guy in trouble with his wife and that was hilarious, I am in aldies with my mom getting food and this guy who looks about 30 can't stop staring. I overheard his wife call out his name so finally I walk up to him in a happy shock "Darrel is that you? Oh my god I haven't seen you since last week when we met up in that bar! Well text me later hun! I gotta go." Oh yeah he got in trouble. I'm surprised he didn't beat the crap out of me.
i dont like it when this stuff happens it makes me nervous so i move away as quickly as i can
Oh, you know, I'm really kind of a peacock. My spouse likes to think of me as her human Barbie Doll, and I enjoy playing that up. If I didn't want people to look at me, then I wouldn't have waist-length hair with pink, blue and purple streaks in it. I try to achieve a bit of a Barbie Doll appearance with my makeup. I wear bright colored clothes, and I usually wear a belt around my 28 inch waist to accentuate my Barbie-like figure... little girls in particular are intrigued by me. My partner is always amused by little girls staring at me; she says, "Every little girl recognizes a Barbie Doll when she see one."
When people stare, I automatically assume that it's because I look good, and I look hot, and I'm just standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I bask in and enjoy their looks and and stares without acknowledging them, and sometimes I simply look at them and with a great big smile I say, "Hi!" I always smile at little girls who stare.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. I accept peoples stares (especially the little girls) as a joyful part of my life experience.
Hugs!
Miharu
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 03, 2012, 01:46:16 PM
Oh, you know, I'm really kind of a peacock. My spouse likes to think of me as her human Barbie Doll, and I enjoy playing that up. If I didn't want people to look at me, then I wouldn't have waist-length hair with pink, blue and purple streaks in it. I try to achieve a bit of a Barbie Doll appearance with my makeup. I wear bright colored clothes, and I usually wear a belt around my 28 inch waist to accentuate my Barbie-like figure... little girls in particular are intrigued by me. My partner is always amused by little girls staring at me; she says, "Every little girl recognizes a Barbie Doll when she see one."
When people stare, I automatically assume that it's because I look good, and I look hot, and I'm just standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I bask in and enjoy their looks and and stares without acknowledging them, and sometimes I simply look at them and with a great big smile I say, "Hi!" I always smile at little girls who stare.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. I accept peoples stares (especially the little girls) as a joyful part of my life experience.
Hugs!
Miharu
I LOVE your attitude Barbie!! :)
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 03, 2012, 01:46:16 PM
Oh, you know, I'm really kind of a peacock. My spouse likes to think of me as her human Barbie Doll, and I enjoy playing that up. If I didn't want people to look at me, then I wouldn't have waist-length hair with pink, blue and purple streaks in it. I try to achieve a bit of a Barbie Doll appearance with my makeup. I wear bright colored clothes, and I usually wear a belt around my 28 inch waist to accentuate my Barbie-like figure... little girls in particular are intrigued by me. My partner is always amused by little girls staring at me; she says, "Every little girl recognizes a Barbie Doll when she see one."
When people stare, I automatically assume that it's because I look good, and I look hot, and I'm just standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I bask in and enjoy their looks and and stares without acknowledging them, and sometimes I simply look at them and with a great big smile I say, "Hi!" I always smile at little girls who stare.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. I accept peoples stares (especially the little girls) as a joyful part of my life experience.
Hugs!
Miharu
Ok Miharu Barbie Doll, after all that we'll need some real life photos, gag---barf, excuse me dear! I have to hand it to you, you do have a positive self image, but you should back it up like I did in past posts when I put a torso shot of myself up when we were talking about boobs.
Quote from: Sylvester on September 02, 2012, 12:27:15 PM
I stare back. Even when they look away, I keep staring. Try to give them the same weirded-out look they're giving you.
Ditto.
Quote from: Shantel on September 03, 2012, 06:23:12 PM
I have to hand it to you, you do have a positive self image, but you should back it up like I did in past posts when I put a torso shot of myself up when we were talking about boobs.
Oh really? Ironically, isn't this exactly what this thread is about? That is to say, how do we handle ourselves when others respond to us as if to suggest that we "should" behave in some certain way, or we "should" stop behaving in some particular manner? Besides, if I put pictures up, then you'll all know the truth... that I'm really 550 pounds and bed ridden, laying here trolling the internet because I'm completely incapable of making it out the door. Trust me, you don't want to see that.
Hugs!
Miharu
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 03, 2012, 09:51:05 PM
Oh really? Ironically, isn't this exactly what this thread is about? That is to say, how do we handle ourselves when others respond to us as if to suggest that we "should" behave in some certain way, or we "should" stop behaving in some particular manner? Besides, if I put pictures up, then you'll all know the truth... that I'm really 550 pounds and bed ridden, laying here trolling the internet because I'm completely incapable of making it out the door. Trust me, you don't want to see that.
Hugs!
Miharu
Liar. Liar. Skirt on fire. There is a picture of Miharu in the forum. hehe. I snitched.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 03, 2012, 09:59:02 PM
Liar. Liar. Skirt on fire. There is a picture of Miharu in the forum. hehe. I snitched.
:icon_flamed:
Foiled again!
:-*
I would just stare back like "I know what youre thinking or saying".
Id just weird them out, serve it right back to them, make them feel uncomfortable until they leave hahahaha like this:
0___________0
for like 3 min straight.
Kids always stare at me, but that's because I am always goofy with them . To be honest a little kid staring at me doesn't bother, lets face it they stare at everyone. EVERYONE, if you have a piercing in your nose you can be darn sure they will stare at it. But thats what makes little kids so cute ^^ that unwavering curiosity for the world. They could climb tall mountains just because they wanna see whats on the other side. Until we teach them to fear their own curiosity as they get older...
But I have noticed the "motherly aspect" has really come out. Have an easier time hushing them up when they are crying, there just seems to be something more calming and soothing about a woman usually.
Ehh I detest kids in general.
The only ones I can stand are my little brothers and I'll actually take them to movies and stuff, but any other kids would find themselves abandoned by me faster than you can say "ACS".
There are a couple of posts in the Writing forum on Susan's with perspectives on the topic of dealing with stares (especially of the rude or ignorant kind):
Miss Wideload (contains a bit of swearing) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,119965.msg930280.html#msg930280)
Quote from: Princess Rachel on May 11, 2012, 01:40:44 PM
I amuse you with my so-called life
You feel the need to point and stare
Showing off your ignorance to the world....
poem 032: THE STARE (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,125776.msg987866.html#msg987866)
Quote from: MadelineB on August 28, 2012, 02:31:26 AM
Do I care
what you think you know
When you stare
at what I care to show?....
I like what the famous photographer Walker Evans had to say about staring. He recommended staring as the first step towards no longer being ignorant. Basically, "Stare, you might learn something":
QuoteStare. It is the way to educate your eye, and more. Stare, pry, listen, eavesdrop. Die knowing something. You are not here long. - Walker Evans
It helps me to remember this, that when someone stares at me, it is because they are ignorant - I know something they don't know, and they are trying to figure it out. Poor dears. Maybe seeing me will expand their little world.
Quote from: Ugla on September 02, 2012, 12:25:01 PM
I usually just go my way and pay little attention to those people. Just a short smile or something and then just pretend I don't notice it. As soon as you learn just to ignore it, you won't even notice it anymore.
I did this. Allowing them to get inside your head shakes your self confidence and then other people que off of that. It can quickly spiral out of control :P
I can say people will look at you as a woman more than they ever did as a guy. That is normal. If you pay attention to this, that isn't natural so you give off a "not-normal" vibe which makes them look more. The best thing to do is just go about your business and ignore them. I also found wearing a smile helps a lot in general. It comforts them. If you look woried or concerned, it just makes things worse.
OMG I had that happen on a flight no less, where do go right, so not being very shy I starred back and caught her eye, I said I know confusing huh, she just smiled and we started chit chatting, I told her I was born a woman tried to live as a man and went back to being a woman, sure I left out some details but hay she was the one starring. By the end of the flight you would have thought we grew up together, we had swapped recipes talked about men, kids, periods lifestyle choices.
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 03, 2012, 01:46:16 PM
When people stare, I automatically assume that it's because I look good, and I look hot, and I'm just standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I bask in and enjoy their looks and and stares without acknowledging them, and sometimes I simply look at them and with a great big smile I say, "Hi!" I always smile at little girls who stare.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. I accept peoples stares (especially the little girls) as a joyful part of my life experience.
Hugs!
Miharu
Wow what a great attitude! Self confidence that we all try to achieve. Congratulations. As for me I just quit caring. Age has a way of doing that to you.
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2012, 10:49:52 AM
I know a lot of people here are unable to do this, but I am blessed/cursed with being a very outgoing personality and am also confrontational when someone is misbehaving.
When I get the piercing stare I make deliberate eye contact and if I think it's just a matter of their curiosity then I will smile and say, "Nice day isn't it?" or something politely appropriate. If I sense any malevolence in the stare I say in a loud enough voice for everyone close by to hear, "What the he** are you looking at?" Since they have either clocked you or think that you are some kind of weird freak of nature, 99% of the time they will become so embarrassed realizing that others close by realize that they were staring at you that they will invariably scurry away without any reply. It's sort of a reverse psychology whereby I turn their stuff back on them. Meanwhile, if it wasn't for having to rebuke that individual usually no-one else in the room would have even noticed you.
Snap lol.
If I get clocked in public, I console myself with the fact that people are seeing that transgender people are perfectly ordinary and walk among us living ordinary lives and not just the subject of legend and news stories.
If it is just a look, I just smile knowing that they could be thinking something positive, or they are upset they find me attractive. It may be delusional, but it helps. ;D
Quote from: Brooke777 on October 31, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
If it is just a look, I just smile knowing that they could be thinking something positive, or they are upset they find me attractive. It may be delusional, but it helps. ;D
No more delusional than any of the rest of us dear girl! ;)
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 03, 2012, 01:46:16 PM
Oh, you know, I'm really kind of a peacock. My spouse likes to think of me as her human Barbie Doll, and I enjoy playing that up. If I didn't want people to look at me, then I wouldn't have waist-length hair with pink, blue and purple streaks in it. I try to achieve a bit of a Barbie Doll appearance with my makeup. I wear bright colored clothes, and I usually wear a belt around my 28 inch waist to accentuate my Barbie-like figure... little girls in particular are intrigued by me. My partner is always amused by little girls staring at me; she says, "Every little girl recognizes a Barbie Doll when she see one."
When people stare, I automatically assume that it's because I look good, and I look hot, and I'm just standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I bask in and enjoy their looks and and stares without acknowledging them, and sometimes I simply look at them and with a great big smile I say, "Hi!" I always smile at little girls who stare.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. I accept peoples stares (especially the little girls) as a joyful part of my life experience.
Hugs!
Miharu
Barbie Rules!!!
Quote from: Michelle G on September 03, 2012, 01:05:18 PM
While out and about I saw quite a few trans girls and boys and didnt really notice people staring at them or making comments...maybe its just this city
Wow! My lease is up tomorrow. If it wasn't for high rent I'd move to SF in a heartbeat.
i've never been weirder than my hair. and that has given me more than just a few stares.
but all the kids stare because they love it, so i just grin at them. and once had to let a kid touch my hair because it was turquoise, and i had used a gel that made it hard like plastic. it really fascinated him.
answering a kid's stare with a positive attitude is the easiest way to make trans people appear totally cool, no matter what their parents think.
Hoodie up, stare directly at ground, walk quickly past.
Quote from: mintra on October 31, 2012, 03:33:13 PM
Wow! My lease is up tomorrow. If it wasn't for high rent I'd move to SF in a heartbeat.
My experiences in New Orleans are similar, especially in the Marinigy and Bywater areas of the Quarter. In fact, I'm flying there in a few days for some much needed R & R for that very reason! :)
As for staring, I'm a six foot, well, genderqueer, while my cisfemale partner is a gorgeous little queer/punk/elf waif with half her head shaved and the other half always brightly dyed one color or another.... we're almost always together, and it is really hard to tell why anyone is staring in our direction, because they almost always are. Big smile at each other works for me, or I just grab her hand (or her @ss) and enjoy the looks of jealousy. >:-)
Quote from: Noah on September 02, 2012, 07:54:31 PM
I was walking down the street today getting some looks, and I decided to stick my tongue out at anyone who had a lingering eye. It was fun to do, and effective in snapping them out of it.
I feel stupid. I spent 5 seconds looking for the "like" button.... lol
The only problem with SF is good luck ever passing. They have a highly honed and developed transdar there.
Lots of different opinions on how to deal with those uncomfortable stares. While I respect many of the ideas, I've always found that friendliness is a better ally than the stereotypical male trait known as confrontation.
While it's been several years since anyone has given me "the stare," my approach has always remained pretty consistent: SMILE. Direct eye contact. Slight feminine head tilt. In a friendly, non threatening and the most feminine voice I can muster a simple "Hi!" or "hey!" Similar to how you would greet a dear friend.
For those who are staring because they "clocked" you, many are thrown into doubt. That's usually the last thing they expect from us, and a passable voice just confuses them even more. Beyond that, I've also had experiences in which my friendly demeanor prompted the person to speak to me, in one one case because I looked like someone they knew, (my mom, LOL) and in another because we had mutual Facebook contacts and were actually FB "friends" who had never met in real life.
Quote from: AngieT on November 01, 2012, 09:36:45 AM
That's usually the last thing they expect from us, and a passable voice just confuses them even more.
This is why I keep saying voice is so important. If someone is staring like they clocked you and you say "Hi" or "hello, do I know you?" in a great voice, it's over. They lose. :P
I get those looks, in a bar or out and about. I usually just hold my head high and do my best to live a normal life. Its not easy, I know its not. But it part of life.
My former TG girlfriend's feelings and self esteem would just be crushed, it caused the "old Man"feelings in me to come boiling to the surface and I would feel like pushing their effing faces in. I don't like that feeling either!