Hey guys. I'm wondering how people came to terms with the fact that they weren't cis, and how they grew from there.
I'm biologically female and have always have body issues, and tried really hard to be good/feminine/normal enough, thinking that if I properly fit in with my peer group, I would eventually be happy with myself, but of course, that wasn't the case. I've always wanted to be a biological male, but I always pushed those thoughts away, telling myself that someone with my body type (short/curvy) could never pull off appearing male. Recently, I've been with an incredibly supportive partner who is going through gender issues himself, so I decided to give myself a chance. I bought my first binder, and I cant even explain the level of excitement and confidence I felt once I put it on. Since then, its been like a switch has been flipped in my head. I can't imagine wearing a bra now, the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Every day this need to appear masculine and be seen differently has gotten stronger, and I still am not too sure what that means for me. Its only been 1-2 months, and I feel like how I see myself has changed, in ways I am more confident and happy, but in others I am just brimming with doubt.
I know plenty of people have known from an early age, but what about those that are a little less self reflective, or found this path in difficult and confusing ways?
How did you guys work through all that confusion?
I first started to figure out I was trans when I was 16 y/o. It took me another two years to clarify what I was feeling.
At 18 I thought I was bigender. Which I actually was for a period of time because it was due to me repressing my female side. This is not to say that people who are bigender/gender-fluid don't exist; I just happened to be temporarily bigender.
Confusing enough? Lol
And for another couple of months I continued to doubt that I was mtf transsexual, and I doubted my transition. So one night I say down and wrote down the reasons I think I'm trans and the reasons I think I'm not trans. My list for the "pro" side was much larger than the "con" side. And the reasons on the "con" side weren't logical.
And I still have some doubts to this day...but It's a lot more clear.
So I would say that you should just give it time, and be honest with yourself. If it would make you more happy to transition, try it! Don't go overboard with surgeries, but try reversible things. Also, don't try to force fit yourself into trans stereotypes (I crossdressed when I was a kid, I always knew, I have to be this amount of guyish/girly etc.)
:)
I was probably between 5 and 7 years old when I first thought something like, "Oh well, I was born a boy I'll just have to be a boy." At about age 10, I began to realize that there were actual physical differences between boys and girls. At the start of puberty, I would begin to wish and pray that I'd get some bizarre disease for which the only life-saving cure would have been a "sex change."
Throughout most of my adolescence I figured I was just a normal guy who was sooooo attracted to girls I wanted to be one from time to time. I became a father and husband at age 19, so I put all my own wants and needs into the background and focused on providing for my family.
Years later, I'd see my daughter reading Luna by Julie Anne Peters. So, I decided to read it. I was 38 at that time. A whole bunch of memories clicked into place as I realized I was reading what could have been the story of my life. Two days after finishing that book, I registered my profile here at Susan's and began exploring the whole concept of gender identity. At first, I thought I was a cross-dresser. Then, I thought I was genderqueer/gender fluid.
At age 40 I figured out I was indeed trans and began exploring the transition process in earnest. I was a little over 41 when I actually started transitioning.
"You're a gay guy in a girl's body."
That is the line that started me on working on my gender identity when I was about 15 or 16. I instantly went "...Damn straight." The following years I went through a variety of different ways of messing with gender appearance and learning more about myself internally. It pretty much just involved me being introspective and just realizing that I was indeed a gay guy. I just happened to have a female body. I do have a bit of a fluid gender identity in that sometimes I'll feel more like a masculine female, but it's almost never for long and not enough to deter me from transitioning.
I realised early, but coming to terms with it took a lot longer.
When I think I've finally reached that point, I'll tell you. Promise.
I'm 56
Hope that helps. :)
I was late coming to the realization I was Trans - close to 40. I only accepted it a few months ago and while it's caused a great deal of turmoil in my life, I'm actually quite happy to finally have figured out who I am.
I struggled with my gender identity throughout my life, but I literally locked away the female side of my personality when i was a teenager - compartmentalized myself you could say (it was that or suicide I think). I treated her as a separate identity that only came out occasionally. Her presence had grown stronger over the years - taking over during sex and consuming my idle moments of thought.
About four months ago I tried using testosterone boosters while powerlifting (on a military deployment in middle east - nothing to do but exercise). They had a horrible effect on me. I was shaky, extremely emotional, and couldn't stop crying. I finally stopped fighting her and "re-integrated" that side of myself. Since then I've cleaned my system up (no more supplements and a healthy vegan diet), gotten in-touch with who I really am, have taken the alone time to reflect on all the obvious signs in my past that I was too stubborn to let myself see (like browsing sites on SRS and wishing I could have an accident that forced a sex change or looking at girly mags and wishing I had a body like that). It seems pretty obvious looking back - that damn hindsight. I just wish it hadn't taken me 40 years to pull my head out of my a$$.
so yeah, obvious signs since I was a teenager but in denial for 20+ years.
Big Huggggs to SageFox.
Thank you for sharing that.
I knew that I wanted to a girl before I was ever in kindergarten. I often begged my grandmother to let me wear my sister's clothes and often enough I did. I learned more about it in my early teens when some of the talk shows on tv had transsexual guests. I took some birth control pills in my early teens hoping that would help, but I didn't have enough to stay on them for any length of time. My grandmother told me that I should finish college, make some money and then do something about it. But like an idiot, I tried to do as everyone else was doing that was normal and got married at 21 and tried to live a normal life. I continued to dress and things just got worse for me. fast forward past that failed marriage and another shorter one after that, a few suicide attempts amongst other self harm, some time in a hospital and basically just dropping out of life for years while drinking heavily, I finally got to the point that I had to do something or just simply give on life altogether. Having my house flooded/damaged by a hurricane and feeling like there was nothing else to lose, I started self medicating at 40 using an online pharmacy. After a year or so of that, I came out to my dad who already knew something was up and then got in touch with a gender therapist. A year after that, I came out to everyone else and started living fulltime along with a name change.
Quote from: spacial on November 25, 2012, 01:38:30 PM
Big Huggggs to SageFox.
Thank you for sharing that.
Thanks Spacial. Sharing is good for the soul.
Thanks for commenting people, I really appreciate hearing other peoples stories. I feel very intimidated by communities, so I often feel isolated. Its always nice to get as much perspective as possible wherever I can, and learn peoples stories.
Seven or so. I came out to my mom and told her that I didn't want to be called _____ anymore. To call me Billy. I got made if she called me ______. I think I thought about this before too (and afterward).
I actually journaled all the incidents of gender awareness, dysphoria in my youth. Very interesting it was.
--Jay J
I don't remember when i realized. I think some time last year.
I thought i was a lesbian and started watching lesbian movies. I never really liked any of them, i wonder why.
I thought maybe the problem wasn't the movies but me(or they were all just really bad). I watched my first gay movie with two guys and i liked it. It was sweet.
The only way i could participate was if i had a sex change. Then the question kept running through my mind! I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought about everything i have done. I realized i always acted like a dude, and i believe i have figured out that part of my life. :D
The identity never really just "clicked" into place, because as a male androgyne, I feel more like I'm dealing with a social norms issue -- the main thing that has changed over time is how I feel about it and how much I express it (and where). There are so many milestones along the way, and I've forgotten so many and wouldn't feel comfortable singling one out.
me I was 5or 6 years old and I was borrowing my mothers thing like makeup and cloths I really liked her shoes
I figured out quickly that I was definitely not what most of society would consider normal gender wise. I got put down a lot for being too masculine by females in middle and high school and a few relatives. Due to having one bigoted and one uknowing parent I never even knew what trans was, really, until recent years. It has only been within the past 6 months or so that I have actually been comfortable being trans and only more recently since I started being honest with myself about it.
After figuring out my identity, things suddenly made a lot of sense. I had these feelings as young as kindergarten when I would imagine myself as a male knight rescuing a princess when in gym class we played "rescuing" games and I was "saving" a female. As a teenager I often felt like the gay male best friend to my close female friends. Now that and more makes sense, I never felt completely right with female pronouns, "girly" toys and dress attire because I'm not female, I'm a trans man.
I realised late, when I was 22, I knew for a while something was up and crossdressed and imagined being a girl for a while (since 18) but only thought of it is a silly fantasy and just repressed it completely as shameful.
Took me another year and a half to come to terms with it, social, religious, emotional fears and doubts before I decided to transition.
I'm a bio male... I started CDing from about the age of 5. Luckily I had a sister whose clothes I could borrow when alone. And my mothers make up and shoes were always available. CDed on and off until I moved out of home at 16, and then repressed it for years. Some more panties at about 23... Finally realised I was female at 25. Then repressed again due to family tragedy until this year. Told my GF, and was encouraged to CD again, which I've been doing every day for almost 6 months now. Panties / camis / hose for work, and dresses / skirts at home. Now I plan to transition. Yay! ;D
When I was 12 years old I realized I wasn't menstruating. Of course I didn't even know what that was at that time because they had separated the boys from the girls for sex ed. And I didn't really pay attention to anything in that class anyway. But I just remember feeling like I was missing something. A lot of other things happened right around that time. I pretty much ignored them all and focused solely on school studies. I got good grades, but didn't make any friends or come to learn socializing in a natural way. Then a few months before my 22nd birthday I decided to deal with these issues. Its not that I hid or ran from my problem, its more like I just didn't realize it was there because I devoted myself only to school. In the last year since I came out to myself, I have grown more than I have my whole life.
I thought I was a boy until I starting growing breasts in the third grade.
I grew up in a home where I was bought boy toys and wore boy clothing (except for underwear) but was made to wear a dress to church which was a weekly struggle for my parents and a crying fit for me. I suspect I've been trans my whole life. My mom blames herself because when she was pregnant she prayed to God that I wouldn't be a boy. My dad was so hard on my older sister that my mom was afraid he'd beat a boy to death. Well, surprise mom...you got that boy anyways, lol.
Me at an early teen age. I also wished for a medical reason for a sex change. The real sex change operation was over 30k when i was a teen and way out of luck for me. It comes and goes for me ever since my teen years. now over 40 and left with just having to figure it out by my self. my spouse dose not want me to transition since she married a "man". The idea of being alone terifies me, and I do really love her. So I adapt and find a way.
Best of luck,
Luv,
Miya
Hi miya.
Great to meet you. Let me assure you, your history here is very typical of so many. Hopefully we can all sort out together, what is best of each of us, individually.
Jill
even from infancy i knew i was a boy...if i was put in dresses asa baby i woul cry n scream until i was put in a pair of pants lol. as i grew older i would always walk around shirtless n act sa boy wen idd play games w my friends cousins whoever i say my names is...(enter boy name)...it wasnt until the age of 11 wen the female perberty hit w the bleeddin..n the chest happen is wen i was snapp into rea;ity i was "girl" i went into a sever ddepression n was always ask by ppl bput this boy n tht boy n id b like yea hes cool but never finin them attractive that i wana b w them. even tho i came out s lesbian i felt empty insie bc even tho i loved women i couldnt ientify myself as one. i seen movies asa kid growin up like boys dnt cry, to wong foo thanx for everythin julie newmare, the birdcage, rhps, ect....but always felt that wasnt real only existe in movies. then one a wen i was 17 i came across a magizine article bout this guy who transition from female 2 malr n then thts wen the lite buklb clivk n it bcame my mission 2 fin more info on it n that it didd exist n then it mae me feel happy.
I've had problems with gender identity and expression for as long as I can remember, but never had a name for it. I started learning about trans* stuff in February, through friends online, but even then, I didn't connect it with myself specifically. I very recently (in the past month) had the realisation that trans* applied to me at all, and I'm not entirely sure what triggered the opening of the floodgates. I think it was a particularly good evening at swordfighting class.
I recently put a name to it. After years of wanting to be a boy. I've always been attracted to both sexes and personalities are my weakness. I've had no problem in getting men or women. About my freshman year of high school I brought out the inner man.
I was done forcing myself into female clothing. I came out Bi with a hard lean toward women. I became a stud over time yet not the super baggy jeans and over sized clothing.
By sophomore years I was nothing but masculine. I liked the way it felt to me. I then realized I hated being addressed by my women as a female,her, my girl, etc. I liked being called him, Daddy, Papi, that guy, sir, man, I began to do non lesbian/bi things (I know you can't sum or stereotype but you get me.). I quit shaving and growing out my facial hair. Yes no T my hormones must be "unbalanced" I can grow a beard or mustache not full thick but very noticeable; stop shaving my body hair, and packing with my strap. I wore the clothes and well I was me the man inside. Even after all this I didn't realize I was transgender til this year about seven months ago. I began looking for a new strap and something very real, away to make sex more pleasurable for me and came across ftm products:
Penis prosthetic, binders (I have (a) large chest/pecs 40 DDD), then reductions to make them less noticeable then I realized I wanted them gone, then I remember trying to pee standing as a grade school kid and I found STP's, then it hit me I don't like this female body I want hard abs and cuts, no shirt on, and my shorts slightly sagged over my cuts, and the bulge in my pants, the heterosexual women and lesbian women that notice me.
I know I have a far journey and can't live it young like now but I can start and work hard to be accomplished before thirty, big dreams so I'm done typing so I can keep working toward my goal lol.
Now to tell my mom so I can feel comfortable starting or maybe I'll wait til after I have the proof to say I have Gender Dysphoria.
Anyone know a good professional around Austin, TX trans friendly please I'm not trying to get my trans,homo,black azs lynched lol (dark humor please dont take that wrong)
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 01, 2012, 06:04:20 PM
I've had problems with gender identity and expression for as long as I can remember, but never had a name for it. I started learning about trans* stuff in February, through friends online, but even then, I didn't connect it with myself specifically. I very recently (in the past month) had the realisation that trans* applied to me at all, and I'm not entirely sure what triggered the opening of the floodgates. I think it was a particularly good evening at swordfighting class.
Sounds very similar to my experience. Finding about it initially and not really connecting it. Even saw guy's transition videos. Was REALLY interested in them, but didn't quite see myself in them. Not sure why exactly. And then all of a sudden. I can't blame it on sword fighting.
--Jay
Quote from: aleon515 on December 05, 2012, 11:30:36 PM
Sounds very similar to my experience. Finding about it initially and not really connecting it. Even saw guy's transition videos. Was REALLY interested in them, but didn't quite see myself in them. Not sure why exactly. And then all of a sudden. I can't blame it on sword fighting.
--Jay
It's heartening to know that others have had a similar experience. I spent a while unhelpfully second-guessing myself because I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed all this time.
I've known for as long as I can remember, long before I really knew the difference. By about 10, I started the praying to wake up as the opposite sex. That's also when I realized I'd have to fake it if I wanted to fit in anywhere. When the maturity level of the boys changed, I didn't know the queue, so my acting didn't quite help as much as I wanted cause I always missed it. Around 20 I discovered the internet and found that it was actually possible to change my sex, but there was no way I could afford it. That coupled with a very homophobic family led me to very effective methods of hiding as well as methods of doing everything possible to sabotage my chances of passing as a woman in order to pass in their eyes. Now at 38, I've had enough of faking it and I'm finally starting my life.
My life was like a jigsaw puzzle,it's only by looking back that I can see the clues,wishing I could start a new school as a girl aged 7,wondering why other boy's were terrified in case Miss Bennett made them play the girls part in a school play,not being enthusiastic about sports and "dressing up" as a teenager.It was shortly after my 21st birthday I realised when I read a piece in one of our trashier seedy newspapers.I can't remember the lady's name unfortunately but her story was so familiar and I realised I was in denial living as a badass biker.It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me,I shaved my beard off that day but made the mistake of confusing gender identity with sexuality.I was bi sexual,still am but 34 years ago I usually had more girlfriends than boyfriends and had never heard of TS lesbians or bis. I was terrified of transition but wanted it so much,I thought you had to pass and be undetectable,I was 6'4"(sure I've shrunk now!)I went into extreme depression and really hit the beer and weed big time to blot it out.I also went into a hyper masculine lifestyle of Triumph motorcycles(wouldn't ride a Harley as it had an electric start!) muscle cars and shooting pool hoping it would go away.It didn't of course and 10 years later I started to do something about it.Sorry to have gone on a bit to long hope this helps somebody.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 06, 2012, 12:10:30 AM
I spent a while unhelpfully second-guessing myself because I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed all this time.
I totally get that. I was 38 before I realized I was not really a guy. I wonder when I would have realized if I hadn't read
Luna. Even then, I was nearly 40 before I figured out that my nearly 30 years of depression was caused by being in the wrong body.
Quote from: Karen on December 06, 2012, 07:00:43 AM
By about 10, I started the praying to wake up as the opposite sex.
Yeah, I did that too. But for me it was around age 12. I was 10 before I even realized that there were actual physical differences between boys and girls other than the "fact" that girls' hair grew differently and they usually had higher voices. Really, I thought those were the only real differences between these two sexes.
About 2 months before I was 18, before that I thought I was a ->-bleeped-<-.
I learned from a newspaper article, there was a story about transsexual people and I realized that actually describes my life.
:icon_hug: Michelle :icon_hug:
Up until the age of about twenty four, I just thought I was a headcase and would probably be better off in a straitjacket. Dreams, thoughts, feelings, sensations... all incongruous, confusing and out of place. Isolation, peer group reinforcement, lack of anyone to talk to... all contributed to keeping that assertion going.
Realising what was actually wrong with me only came after being able to accept that I wasn't, in fact, a total grade-A lunatic - that the way I felt actually meant something and it wasn't just me who felt the way I did.
I knew what I was right from when I was little, but it wasn't until my early 20s that I realised there was a word for it and treatment plans available, or that it was causing me dysphoria. I figured it out for the first time when I started school and very quickly discovered that I totally suck at being a girl, but of course I didn't know why or what the word is. I hated puberty but I assumed that was normal, because I couldn't imagine anyone enjoying it. I assumed all girls must hate having breasts and periods. I had and still have a lot of body issues relating to "being f___-ugly" which - surprise! - are actually dysphoria. But at the time I just figured I hated being f___-ugly. By then I was well aware that I was a male with a female body (and actually very comfortable with that idea), but it didn't occur to me to connect the dots.
Mainly the reason I didn't realise sooner is that my parents were happy for me to live as a boy as much as biology would allow, which is something I'm really grateful for. Due to a mix of residual 60s counterculture ideals and old school Scandinavian values, and the fact that they couldn't have any other kids, I was essentially their default son.
I realized I was trans at 29. However, from the time I was about 4 or 5 I knew I was supposed to be a girl. I just did not have the word trans to associate with it until later, much later. Up until I learned what it was to be trans, I just thought I was a bit crazy. I did everything I could think about to try and be a man. Happily, I failed.
I was four... I had no idea what trans was but I knew something was wrong and I should be a girl.
Quote from: big kim on December 06, 2012, 08:26:57 AM
wondering why other boy's were terrified in case Miss Bennett made them play the girls part in a school play,not being enthusiastic about sports and "dressing up" as a teenager.
I did the same thing. Always hanging out with the girls and being the only "boy" doing that voluntarily. The fitting in issues happened when the girls stopped letting me sit with them at lunch and the boys wouldn't let me sit with them either because I only hung around the girls! That was that 10 year mark for me.
Quote from: Stephe on December 06, 2012, 04:09:40 PM
I was four... I had no idea what trans was but I knew something was wrong and I should be a girl.
Exactly the same.
Halloween, when I was a kindergartner. That was the day I realized there was a difference between boys and girls and that I was not a boy despite all appearances.
I had no idea HRT existed but I remember I would try to invent a machine that would turn me into a girl. I had this cardboard wall with a pipe running between the sides and I wanted a girl to blow into the pipe on one side with me on the other side inhaling her breath. I don't know why I thought hat would work. I think I was actually hoping for some mind over matter thing. If I just believed enough you know?
I was about 12 when I knew for sure. Prior to this, my disability really clouded my gender dysphoria. I was more concerned that the other children could walk and run than by what was between my legs. I did love playing with my cousin's Barbie dolls and I was a soap opera addict by 10-years-old, but I had plenty of stereotypical male interests too, so it just never computed. Then puberty came, and click. I was attracted to girls (but even more so to boys), sure, but I was more preoccupied with how they dressed, how they carried themselves, how they related to one another. I just went from not thinking about gender to instantly knowing mine was wrong.
Well, when I was about six I used to 'pretend' I was a girl (including, among other things, a primitive version of tucking), and that continued until I started going to an all boys' school (cue lots of repression). I must admit, only recently have I begun to consider that I might actually be trans* rather than merely a feminine male.
Bear in mind that I'd internalised society's views on gender from an early age, and so I thought of myself as a 'girly boy', rather than as a girl in any shape or form.
So the answer is that I still haven't fully 'realised' it - it just seems to be an ever more likely possibility with each passing day...
During my first memories of life when I was maybe 3 or 4 I thought I was a girl.
I had female friends and loved spending time with them and doing girly things.
I loved playing with barbies and putting on make up.
My parents would sometimes tell me to go to play
with boys and I remember just the idea of it would make me cry...seeing
them play sports, fighting and playing with toy cars.
I despised sports and violence with all my heart.
I also insisted on always wearing wigs. I liked putting on wigs, make up
and going out into the street to sing...people would give me candy.
Then when I started school my parents forced me to dress like a boy and didn't let me put on make up.
I heard when I was maybe 4 or 5 that if a boy walks under a rainbow he turns into a girl. I remember I was so excited and fully
believed it. I kept looking for rainbows and I was frustrated why I can't seem
to get under one. Lol...now it's funny but it made me miserable back then.
All my mom's friends loved me and always let me wear their make up. The whole town called me "Severina". That was a singer I used to dress up as
and sing her songs. Then a TV crew filmed me when I was singing in town and the whole town called me by that name.
Basically I was an attention whore since I learned to walk and talk.
When i started school my femininity was always obvious and I did get picked on for it by some boys.
But I also had male friends who were protective over me and a lot of girls found me interesting
and wanted me to be their friend. Although there were a lot of times I felt bad....sometimes in gym
I wanted to be with the girls while the boys had to play soccer...but my teacher told me I can't
so I would go to the bathroom for 30 minutes and I felt like a freak because I couldn't just
be with the girls.
High school was confusing I remember I thought I will be gay and that's it. I always
tried to act more masculine but it didn't work. At one point I even tried to convince
myself I will be a straight guy while at the same time I secretly wore girls clothes
and make up when I was alone. I also had crushes on deans and male teachers.
I used to skip class just so I could see this hot dean.
And even after high school I thought
ok I'm a gay bottom etc but then I found out about orchiectomies and sex changes
more and the desire to wear make up, dress like a woman and be refered to as "she"
came stronger......and here I am. Seeing a therapist to get an orchiectomy.
I am turning 22 in a few weeks btw.
I remember being no more than 4 or 5 and telling my mother in the car at Burger king that I would rather be girl. I don't remember her reaction exactly but she said something along the lines of "when mommy was a little girl she used to want to be a little boy so she could do all the things her brothers were doing."
It wasn't until I was ten that I finally discovered ->-bleeped-<- coincidentally while searching for magic spells that turn little boys into little girls. Though it wasn't until I was about 18 or so that I finally acknowledged that I was transgendered. I had this illegitimate fear that everyone would hate me and no would accept me so I'd always tell myself after dressing in my mothers clothes or doing something girly that I was just sick or perverted. I hated those feelings; the guilt. Finally at 18 I told my girlfriend about me being transgendered. She absolutely flipped and being that she was the first person I ever told, I got so scared and I hid it again. I just went back to the feeling of guilt. As I hit my 20s I became so increasingly depressed and slowly I would do little things here and there that my girlfriend was okay with - mostly while we were both drunk so if she wasn't happy about it I could blame the booze :( I also took advantage of the emo fad to wear tighter and girlier clothing. Finally, at 23 and after 2 kids I said screw it I can't do this anymore. This is when I finally accepted myself as being trans and not a freak who should be ashamed of herself. 6 months later life couldn't be any better and my girlfriend is now so supportive! It's amazing how people can change their attitudes given time.
I was born and raised in a very strict house.one that didnt allow you to express yourself but what they wanted you to express.i was denied simple explanations like *that monthly female thing,where babies come from,what the diffrence between a boy and a girl is* so i lived a very confused and unhappy life.As i got older i found myself leaning towards the male spectrum-attitude,actions,thoughts,dress tho i tried to play the role of a *good fem female* of course that wasnt me but struggled with it for years thinking *this is what im supposed to be right?* i mean as a kid my enitre life was monitored and controlled.as i reached my 20's and i finaly found out these things on my own,i became more expressive then before.i found i couldnt relate to the female sex in anyway,as a matter of fact,i found *friendship/anything other then sexual relationship based* females would despise me and visa versa *i have NEVER in 36 years had a girl that was a *friend* so it would always end bad some how but i felt comfortable around many male friends,like this is where i belonged.in my late 20s i started to openly admit to being bisexual and started dating woman.this i felt very comfortable with and we got along fine this way.i have always *passed* because my body has naturaly high T already due to P.O.S so my body already made me feel like it didnt match my mind *with the male attributes but having female parts per say*.i also do not *work out physicaly* because i automaticly bulk up and this is not what i tried to do when dealing with my *female* appearance.as the years went on and i learned more and more *late of course but* i started to put two and two together.i looked and found that *once openly able too* without thinking,i was automaticly expressing myself as male.intercourse,interactions,clothes,hair,everything about me.even my personality.all my life i have dealt with depression and anxiety and the past few years it has gotten so bad that i am experiancing rage attacks and weird thoughts.i felt my entire life was a lie and it was ruined,what could have been diffrent if i was a boy as i should have been? real friends,real relationships,better family and so many other things? as i still had yet within the past few months to really have a finger to put this all on,i came across a video-a video about transitioning.as i was listening, it was like i had found a way to be really me *yes this all may sound confusing but it was my step towards fully becoming what i should have been* so you could say that i just now started my journey a few months ago officaly tho im still in the learning stage per say.I hope here that i can find my path to completely finishing my transition and making good friends along the way.
I remember dreaming about being a girl when I was quite small. Later I hoped the teachers at school would realise was a girl and make me join the girls doing gym and sewing. Somehow I knew I shouldn't be feeling like that and tried to bury my feelings. This was very difficult and kept resurfacing.
I loved wearing my sister clothes and when about 10 I walked to the end of the street wearing her skirt shoes and coat (and bizarrely my school shirt. I'm sure any neighbors thought it was her. As I got older instead of becoming more daring and more feminine, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and became more macho and suppressed the girl inside me even deeper.
Going to university gave me the chance to crossdress more regularly (and underdressing 24/7 - well not literally but you know what I mean). This seemed to be enough.
Now aged 30 I have now come to the conclusion that it's about more than the clothes and my need to be female can't be ignored if I am to be happy.
My mom never really believed in gender based raising techniques. So she let the boys play with dolls and the girls play with trucks and whatever, for someone born in 1959 she is quite the pioneer, I was born in the early-mid 90s, I am the junior by 10 years, but anyway less about that. When I was little I loved a doll. I didn't care much for "boyish" toys, my mom pampered my as a girl, because I looked like a little girl, with my extremely curly hair and all.
When I was 8 year old, (like many children of my generation) I was an Avid gamer, well not gamer, but I think you get it. I remember playing a game, on my Brother's Xbox, with a cousin of mine, James Bond, (don't quite recall which one), anyway I couldn't for the life of me choose a male character. The stupid thing? It's first person, I just couldn't, that ISN'T me it said in my mind, to my cousin I just I would wipe his on the floor anyway.
But it didn't start until I hit puberty, this was easily the worst period in my life. I never cross dressed I had games and have games for that. But I hate every change, I hate them. My voice, facial and body hair, masculinisation of genitals, broad shoulders, adam's apple, growth of the penis, et cetera. I hated every change, at one point I managed to push it in the back of my mind and stop thinking about it.
At least that's what I thought, it was always there though, my confidence was really low, I kept getting depressed for unknown reasons, I hated having (and still do) erections. It continued until recently. Until I started questioning when I had a word for it. Then I categorised myself as being Bigender. Which is true, but as time went on I became more and more gender dysphoric.... so yeah I hope what I wrote makes sense.