How/when did you realize you were Trans*?

[spacial]

Hi miya.

Great to meet you. Let me assure you, your history here is very typical of so many. Hopefully we can all sort out together, what is best of each of us, individually.

Jill

[aj7]

even from infancy i knew i was a boy...if i was put in dresses asa baby i woul cry n scream until i was put in a pair of pants lol. as i grew older i would always walk around shirtless n act sa boy wen idd play games w my friends cousins whoever i say my names is...(enter boy name)...it wasnt until the age of 11 wen the female perberty hit w the bleeddin..n the chest happen is wen i was snapp into rea;ity i was "girl" i went into a sever ddepression n was always ask by ppl bput this boy n tht boy n id b like yea hes cool but never finin them attractive that i wana b w them. even tho i came out s lesbian i felt empty insie bc even tho i loved women i couldnt ientify myself as one. i seen movies asa kid growin up like boys dnt cry, to wong foo thanx for everythin julie newmare, the birdcage, rhps, ect....but always felt that wasnt real only existe in movies. then one a wen i was 17 i came across a magizine article bout this guy who transition from female 2 malr n then thts wen the lite buklb clivk n it bcame my mission 2 fin more info on it n that it didd exist n then it mae me feel happy.

[DeeperThanSwords]

I've had problems with gender identity and expression for as long as I can remember, but never had a name for it. I started learning about trans* stuff in February, through friends online, but even then, I didn't connect it with myself specifically. I very recently (in the past month) had the realisation that trans* applied to me at all, and I'm not entirely sure what triggered the opening of the floodgates. I think it was a particularly good evening at swordfighting class.

[Dark.Knight]

I recently put a name to it. After years of wanting to be a boy. I've always been attracted to both sexes and personalities are my weakness. I've had no problem in getting men or women. About my freshman year of high school I brought out the inner man.

I was done forcing myself into female clothing. I came out Bi with a hard lean toward women. I became a stud over time yet not the super baggy jeans and over sized clothing.

By sophomore years I was nothing but masculine. I liked the way it felt to me. I then realized I hated being addressed  by my women as a female,her, my girl, etc. I liked being called him, Daddy, Papi, that guy, sir, man, I began to do non lesbian/bi things (I know you can't sum or stereotype but you get me.). I quit shaving and growing out my facial hair. Yes no T my hormones must be "unbalanced" I can grow a beard or mustache not full thick but very noticeable; stop shaving my body hair, and packing with my strap.  I wore the clothes and well I was me the man inside. Even after all this I didn't realize I was transgender til this year about seven months ago.  I began looking for a new strap and something very real, away to make sex more pleasurable for me and came across ftm products:

Penis prosthetic, binders (I have (a) large chest/pecs 40 DDD), then reductions to make them less noticeable then I realized I wanted them gone, then I remember trying to pee standing as a grade school kid and I found STP's, then it hit me I don't like this female body I want hard abs and cuts, no shirt on, and my shorts slightly sagged over my cuts, and the bulge in my pants, the heterosexual women and lesbian women that notice me.

I know I have a far journey and can't live it young like now but I can start and work hard to be accomplished before thirty, big dreams so I'm done typing so I can keep working toward my goal lol.

Now to tell my mom so I can feel comfortable starting or maybe I'll wait til after I have the proof to say I have Gender Dysphoria.
Anyone know a good professional around Austin, TX trans friendly please I'm not trying to get my trans,homo,black azs lynched lol (dark humor please dont take that wrong)

[aleon515]

I've had problems with gender identity and expression for as long as I can remember, but never had a name for it. I started learning about trans* stuff in February, through friends online, but even then, I didn't connect it with myself specifically. I very recently (in the past month) had the realisation that trans* applied to me at all, and I'm not entirely sure what triggered the opening of the floodgates. I think it was a particularly good evening at swordfighting class.

Sounds very similar to my experience. Finding about it initially and not really connecting it. Even saw guy's transition videos. Was REALLY interested in them, but didn't quite see myself in them. Not sure why exactly. And then all of a sudden. I can't blame it on sword fighting.

--Jay

[DeeperThanSwords]

Sounds very similar to my experience. Finding about it initially and not really connecting it. Even saw guy's transition videos. Was REALLY interested in them, but didn't quite see myself in them. Not sure why exactly. And then all of a sudden. I can't blame it on sword fighting.

--Jay

It's heartening to know that others have had a similar experience. I spent a while unhelpfully second-guessing myself because I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed all this time.

[Emily Aster]

I've known for as long as I can remember, long before I really knew the difference. By about 10, I started the praying to wake up as the opposite sex. That's also when I realized I'd have to fake it if I wanted to fit in anywhere. When the maturity level of the boys changed, I didn't know the queue, so my acting didn't quite help as much as I wanted cause I always missed it. Around 20 I discovered the internet and found that it was actually possible to change my sex, but there was no way I could afford it. That coupled with a very homophobic family led me to very effective methods of hiding as well as methods of doing everything possible to sabotage my chances of passing as a woman in order to pass in their eyes. Now at 38, I've had enough of faking it and I'm finally starting my life.

[big kim]

My life was like a jigsaw puzzle,it's only by looking back that I can see the clues,wishing I could start a new school as a girl aged 7,wondering why other boy's were terrified in case Miss Bennett made them play the girls part in a school play,not being enthusiastic about sports and "dressing up" as a teenager.It was shortly after my 21st birthday I realised when I read a piece in one of our trashier seedy newspapers.I can't remember the lady's name unfortunately but her story was so familiar and I realised I was in denial living as a badass biker.It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me,I shaved my beard off that day but made the mistake of  confusing gender identity with sexuality.I was bi sexual,still am but 34 years ago I usually had more girlfriends than boyfriends and had never heard of TS lesbians or bis. I was terrified of transition but wanted it so much,I thought you had to pass and be undetectable,I was 6'4"(sure I've shrunk now!)I went into extreme depression and really hit the beer and weed big time to blot it out.I also went into a hyper masculine lifestyle of Triumph motorcycles(wouldn't ride a Harley as it had an electric start!) muscle cars and shooting pool hoping it would go away.It didn't of course and 10 years later I started to do something about it.Sorry to have gone on a bit to long hope this helps somebody.

[Constance]

I spent a while unhelpfully second-guessing myself because I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed all this time.

I totally get that. I was 38 before I realized I was not really a guy. I wonder when I would have realized if I hadn't read Luna. Even then, I was nearly 40 before I figured out that my nearly 30 years of depression was caused by being in the wrong body.

By about 10, I started the praying to wake up as the opposite sex.

Yeah, I did that too. But for me it was around age 12. I was 10 before I even realized that there were actual physical differences between boys and girls other than the "fact" that girls' hair grew differently and they usually had higher voices. Really, I thought those were the only real differences between these two sexes.

[NightAngel]

About 2 months before I was 18,  before that I thought I was a ->-bleeped-<-.
I learned from a newspaper article, there was a story about transsexual people and I realized that actually describes my life.

Michelle 

[Sephirah]

Up until the age of about twenty four, I just thought I was a headcase and would probably be better off in a straitjacket. Dreams, thoughts, feelings, sensations... all incongruous, confusing and out of place. Isolation, peer group reinforcement, lack of anyone to talk to... all contributed to keeping that assertion going.

Realising what was actually wrong with me only came after being able to accept that I wasn't, in fact, a total grade-A lunatic - that the way I felt actually meant something and it wasn't just me who felt the way I did.

[Mosaic dude]

I knew what I was right from when I was little, but it wasn't until my early 20s that I realised there was a word for it and treatment plans available, or that it was causing me dysphoria.  I figured it out for the first time when I started school and very quickly discovered that I totally suck at being a girl, but of course I didn't know why or what the word is.  I hated puberty but I assumed that was normal, because I couldn't imagine anyone enjoying it.  I assumed all girls must hate having breasts and periods.  I had and still have a lot of body issues relating to "being f___-ugly" which - surprise! - are actually dysphoria.  But at the time I just figured I hated being f___-ugly.  By then I was well aware that I was a male with a female body (and actually very comfortable with that idea), but it didn't occur to me to connect the dots.

Mainly the reason I didn't realise sooner is that my parents were happy for me to live as a boy as much as biology would allow, which is something I'm really grateful for.  Due to a mix of residual 60s counterculture ideals and old school Scandinavian values, and the fact that they couldn't have any other kids, I was essentially their default son.

[Brooke777]

I realized I was trans at 29. However, from the time I was about 4 or 5 I knew I was supposed to be a girl. I just did not have the word trans to associate with it until later, much later. Up until I learned what it was to be trans, I just thought I was a bit crazy. I did everything I could think about to try and be a man. Happily, I failed.

[Stephe]

I was four... I had no idea what trans was but I knew something was wrong and I should be a girl.

[Emily Aster]

wondering why other boy's were terrified in case Miss Bennett made them play the girls part in a school play,not being enthusiastic about sports and "dressing up" as a teenager.

I did the same thing. Always hanging out with the girls and being the only "boy" doing that voluntarily. The fitting in issues happened when the girls stopped letting me sit with them at lunch and the boys wouldn't let me sit with them either because I only hung around the girls! That was that 10 year mark for me.

[spacial]

I was four... I had no idea what trans was but I knew something was wrong and I should be a girl.

Exactly the same.

[Misato]

Halloween, when I was a kindergartner.  That was the day I realized there was a difference between boys and girls and that I was not a boy despite all appearances.

I had no idea HRT existed but I remember I would try to invent a machine that would turn me into a girl.  I had this cardboard wall with a pipe running between the sides and I wanted a girl to blow into the pipe on one side with me on the other side inhaling her breath.  I don't know why I thought hat would work.  I think I was actually hoping for some mind over matter thing.  If I just believed enough you know?

[EmmaMcAllister]

I was about 12 when I knew for sure. Prior to this, my disability really clouded my gender dysphoria. I was more concerned that the other children could walk and run than by what was between my legs. I did love playing with my cousin's Barbie dolls and I was a soap opera addict by 10-years-old, but I had plenty of stereotypical male interests too, so it just never computed. Then puberty came, and click. I was attracted to girls (but even more so to boys), sure, but I was more preoccupied with how they dressed, how they carried themselves, how they related to one another. I just went from not thinking about gender to instantly knowing mine was wrong.

[Cassandra Hyacinth]

Well, when I was about six I used to 'pretend' I was a girl (including, among other things, a primitive version of tucking), and that continued until I started going to an all boys' school (cue lots of repression). I must admit, only recently have I begun to consider that I might actually be trans* rather than merely a feminine male.

Bear in mind that I'd internalised society's views on gender from an early age, and so I thought of myself as a 'girly boy', rather than as a girl in any shape or form.

So the answer is that I still haven't fully 'realised' it - it just seems to be an ever more likely possibility with each passing day...

[dj1990]

During my first memories of life when I was maybe 3 or 4 I thought I was a girl.
I had female friends and loved spending time with them and doing girly things.
I loved playing with barbies and putting on make up.
My parents would sometimes tell me to go to play
with boys and I remember just the idea of it would make me cry...seeing
them play sports, fighting and playing with toy cars.
I despised sports and violence with all my heart.
I also insisted on always wearing wigs. I liked putting on wigs, make up
and going out into the street to sing...people would give me candy.
Then when I started school my parents forced me to dress like a boy and didn't let me put on make up.

I heard when I was maybe 4 or 5 that if a boy walks under a rainbow he turns into a girl. I remember I was so excited and fully
believed it. I kept looking for rainbows and I was frustrated why I can't seem
to get under one. Lol...now it's funny but it made me miserable back then.

All my mom's friends loved me and always let me wear their make up. The whole town called me "Severina". That was a singer I used to dress up as
and sing her songs. Then a TV crew filmed me when I was singing in town and the whole town called me by that name.
Basically I was an attention whore since I learned to walk and talk.

When i started school my femininity was always obvious and I did get picked on for it by some boys.
But I also had male friends who were protective over me and a lot of girls found me interesting
and wanted me to be their friend. Although there were a lot of times I felt bad....sometimes in gym
I wanted to be with the girls while the boys had to play soccer...but my teacher told me I can't
so I would go to the bathroom for 30 minutes and I felt like a freak because I couldn't just
be with the girls.

High school was confusing I remember I thought I will be gay and that's it. I always
tried to act more masculine but it didn't work. At one point I even tried to convince
myself I will be a straight guy while at the same time I secretly wore girls clothes
and make up when I was alone. I also had crushes on deans and male teachers.
I used to skip class just so I could see this hot dean.

And even after high school I thought
ok I'm a gay bottom etc but then I found out about orchiectomies and sex changes
more and the desire to wear make up, dress like a woman and be refered to as "she"
came stronger......and here I am. Seeing a therapist to get an orchiectomy.

I am turning 22 in a few weeks btw.