I was reading Monica's thread about transitioning when you're married - because that is SUCH an issue for me - and I came across something Bev wrote: ' As a final thing, I can say in all honesty, if your dysphoria isn't making you suicidal, or unbearably unhappy, then Don't do it. Don't transition unless you are willing to see everything in your life go to hell.'
Now, that's something I heard many girls say, including good friends of mine and I guess it's one of the main reasons I've never taken the plunge. As terrible as dysphoria sometimes feels, as much as i get to points when the sheer effort of fighting it almost breaks me, still I never feel suicidal and there are still many things in my life that are incredibly precious to me. Plus, there's a lot that still works for me and that isn't particularly affected by having to be male. When I'm lost in my imagination, writing fiction, I can be any damn thing I please. That's a huge help.
Anyway, I was also reading another thread - UCBerkeley's 'How Happy Are You to Be Transitioning/ Have Transitioned?' .. can you see the theme here, ladies?? ;) ... and Meaghan mentioned a videoblog she'd posted about 'What do I like About Being a Girl?'
So I watched it, and it was great - thanks Meaghan! - and the impression I got was that life pre-transition hadn't been suicidally awful for Meaghan, but she just had this feeling of living a lie, of not being true to herself or at all authentic. And when she transitioned, it wasn't like she suddenly saved her life. It was more a question of finally living every day as the person, and the woman that she'd really been all along. (I hope I got that right!)
So there we had two ways of looking at it. One was kind of a word of warning: don't put the burden of transition upon yourself unless you have absolutely no alternative. And the other was looking at it from the other perspective: don't spend any longer than you absolutely have to living a lie in the wrong sex when you could be true to yourself in the right one.
Both those perspectives seem incredibly valid to me and I'm sure to plenty of other girls on here. So I guess my question is: what's the tipping point?
What's the moment when you say to yourself, 'I have to do this'? Or maybe, 'I want to do this' ...
What did it take to make you take the plunge ... ?
For me, it was when I realized I'd been pretending to be a guy my entire life. I was suicidal (and still am), but that's due to other circumstances...my being a woman actually has kept me alive when in crisis.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 26, 2012, 11:42:41 AM
I was suicidal (and still am), but that's due to other circumstances...my being a woman actually has kept me alive when in crisis.
(((hug))) I had that stupid thought from time to time when I felt weak and vulnerable. If I didn't transition I would've done it successfully long time ago.
.
The last tipping point for me was my Vegas trip this year with my brother and my guy friends. The second day that we were in Vegas I met some really sweet girls and ended up hanging out with them over my guy friends for a entire day. As I was hanging out with them I was thinking to myself that this is me. I was not that drunk guy that was hanging out with my guy friends and brother the day before. I thought about that day the next day all day on my drive back to Phoenix how right I felt how complete I felt being one of the girls. The entire way home from Vegas I remember watching transition videos on YouTube. I found a girl by the username JessylnGirl87. I immediately connected with her videos she was a body builder that masked herself just as I did. I hide myself by portraying a mucho image. Seeing how she transitioned was truly inspiration to me. For two solid hours on the drive home I watched all of her videos. She did it so I could too.
What else added to this tipping point was my fiance. Prior to my Vegas trip the fear of getting married again just because I was doing it as a camouflage to mask my true identity. I didn't love her. The constant bickering of how a husband is suppose to do this; a guy is suppose to do this. I wanted to scream at times; I was screaming in my head.
This year was a real eye opener for me all together and I'm thankful for everything that has happened this year. I'm happy that I'm on the path now to my future and I'm in control of it mind, body, and spirit. No more years of hiding my thoughts. I'm out to the entire world with no fear. I'm ME.
Quote from: TessaM on November 26, 2012, 12:10:41 PM
I was staring at myself in the mirror one morning realizing that 1. I now had a full beard and 2. I was only going to get more masculine every day. Yup, no chance I would let that happen any worse than it already did. Started at 19 I think im doing good.
I was soooo scared of growing a full beard. Absolutely terrified.
I think another thing that hit me this year was the fear of NOT transitioning.
Information. A year into my first job I was given a PC to carry out some work at home. I purchased a modem and discovered the world of Usenet. The rest is history.
GID was effecting everything I did, and it was making life so miserable it drove me to take more unsafe drugs at higher doses to achieve some oddly precieved level of femininity. I was depressed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I felt I was slipping over the edge, and there was little left to live for. I was never suicidal, but did some horrible things physically that could have easily killed me. I went over all these things with the psychiatrist and gender therapist and that's reallywhy I kept getting calls from the psychiatrist while I was in Michigan last summer.
After finally starting HRT in July I having the "You now know everything" talk with JoAnn in September, she said my depression and problems were clear to her for many years. She just didn't know how much of it was related to GID.
Kathy
Quote from: Serena Lynn on November 26, 2012, 12:09:40 PM
The last tipping point for me was my Vegas trip this year with my brother and my guy friends. The second day that we were in Vegas I met some really sweet girls and ended up hanging out with them over my guy friends for a entire day. As I was hanging out with them I was thinking to myself that this is me. I was not that drunk guy that was hanging out with my guy friends and brother the day before.
Oh, I can relate to THAT!
Three years ago, one of the times I came THIS close to transitioning, I went to see a bunch of people.One was an FFS surgeon (Bart van der Ven, for anyone who knows that field: I absolutely adored him, haha!), plus a voice consultant, a doctor who treats MTF girls, etc. I wanted to see if there was any chance of me - a guy of 50, with a deep voice and bald spot - making a successful transition. I didn't know what I wanted more: for them to say, 'Yes, absolutely,' or, 'forget it, you've got no chance.' because if they said that, then at least I could tell myself there was no possibility of doing it.
So Dr Bart told me he could make me much more feminine and much better looking. (I'd have preferred 'even better looking', but what the hell!) And then I saw the voice consultant and she was the first person anywhere who just accepted right from the get-go that I was TS, as if it was so obvious it wasn't even worth debating, and assured me that she could really help feminise my speaking voice, even though it's pretty deep.
I came away from that meeting on Cloud 9. That evening I went to a dinner-party, given by a women who'd been at uni with me. I arrived early and she was talking with another female friend from those days and so I just slipped right into the conversation. And, like you, it just seemed totally easy and natural: so much more relaxing than having to 'be the man'. Then the rest of the guests turned up and my male contemporaries had all turned into these fat, red-faced, pompous executives and I felt like I had nothing at all in common with them. It wasn't just that I didn't work in their world or share their values, it was much deeper than that.
I often think about that day and how happy it made me being accepted for who I am ...
... but then I think of my children, and the father that I am, and have to be to them ...
Aaaaaarrrrggghhh!!
Getting my driver license and telling myself "This will be the last ID of me in boy mode" ... and it was! 11 months later, I was presenting as female in on my new ID with my new name :)
I don't post much, but something in the first post of this thread gets me. Apparently someone advised against transitioning while married unless you're severely unhappy or suicidal. That's horrible advice. Becoming suicidal and severely depressed are not something that happens overnight. If anyone even thinks they have the beginning of depression, go see someone. If It's GID, then only one thing will ease dylsphoria, and that's transitioning.
Whether you're single, married, it doesn't matter. Im married and am transitioning, and thankful as I am that me and my wife are stronger than ever, that would not have changed my decision. I, like all of us, am human and as such, deserve to be happy and alive while I'm here.
Quote from: NadineElaine on November 26, 2012, 01:08:40 PM
I don't post much, but something in the first post of this thread gets me. Apparently someone advised against transitioning while married unless you're severely unhappy or suicidal. That's horrible advice. Becoming suicidal and severely depressed are not something that happens overnight. If anyone even thinks they have the beginning of depression, go see someone. If It's GID, then only one thing will ease dylsphoria, and that's transitioning.
Whether you're single, married, it doesn't matter. Im married and am transitioning, and thankful as I am that me and my wife are stronger than ever, that would not have changed my decision. I, like all of us, am human and as such, deserve to be happy and alive while I'm here.
I know exactly what you're saying, I totally agree about your right to happiness (and mine!). I'm so pleased for you that things are working out with you and your wife. And absolutely one should seek help with depression and/or GID as early as possible, even though for people who feel suicidal, sometimes 'help' just isn't enough ...
But to be fair to Bev and other who've said the same thing as her, I think it's meant more as a warning that transition can be very, very tough .. and at the end of it, even if one feels better in oneself, the cost to ones career, relationships and finances can be very high indeed. So one should think very carefully about whether the losses might outweigh the gains - and also whether one might in the end be better off not transitioning at all.
Quote from: NadineElaine on November 26, 2012, 01:08:40 PM
....... Becoming suicidal and severely depressed are not something that happens overnight. If anyone even thinks they have the beginning of depression, go see someone. If It's GID, then only one thing will ease dylsphoria, and that's transitioning. .........
Thank you Nadine. I'm with you on this 100%. I'd never go back, even if my family life completely falls apart.
I think too many who are on the edge and start searching for answers think about transition and believe it always needs to end with SRS. Not everyone wants to got that far, and even if it's my goal, it's not realistic for a whole lot of others. After all, everyone has an end point where they're satisfied.
Kathy
I do not know that I had a tipping point but at some point I realised that I had had enough of being irritated by my own existence. It began to get harder and harder to force the dysphoria out of my head, to force it down to a level where I could ignore it. Eventually I just became weary of fighting it. So I gave in.
I have always been very self-reliant and I always try to take a positive viewpoint but even I was finding it harder and harder to stay happy. It was apparent to me that eventually I would lose the fight and become a morose, sad individual.
The thought of losing everyone terrified me, but the thought of staying male terrified me even more. I chose the lesser of two evils and then worked very, very hard at bringing people with me. So far it seems to have worked.
I started dressing and had no idea why I had the urge to do it other than that I obviously wasn't 100% male inside. I made contact with crossdressers and a few months later with a transitioned trans woman. I couldn't understand why it had become such an obsession since I had never exhibited any kind of GID in earlier years. Stories I read of people transitioning had a very strong emotional effect on me even back then.
The tipping point came about five months after my first dressing session. I had already started to remember things that I'd hidden deep inside for a long time, but one particular day about lunchtime I remembered my mother getting upset when I was about twelve when I told her I hated my penis and I wanted to cut it off. That was the point at which everything I knew and thought about myself was destroyed. At the same time, all of my questions about why i had felt weird and disgusted with myself were answered.
From that time onwards I had few doubts about what I was going to have to do to keep myself happy. The good reactions from friends about my dressing made the future seem less frightening. Every move towards a more feminine appearance brought me joy. If my circumstance had prevented transition I think I would have felt that life wasn't worth living any more, but I never allowed it get to that stage.
This is a great post. Like many others, I don't think you have to be suicidal or severely depressed to transition. All you need is dysphoria that would benefit from transition and the willingness to accept the risks and consequences.
My tipping point started a year ago in graduate school. There, I was becoming closer and closer to getting my final degree before entering my preferred career field and as each day passed, I became more depressed with this prospect. When I imagined who I would grow old to be, my role in my future family, how I wanted to be perceived- this wasn't it. I didn't exactly know that I was trans at this point; I just knew I needed to change something and I needed to get to the source of my feelings. I started googling things like "feeling uncomfortable with my body," "is it normal to want to hide your feminine shape?," etc, etc. I came across transgender sites, surfed youtube for transition videos for a month straight, and checked out nearly every trans related book from my university library. A month later, I was convinced transitioning would put me on the right path and immediately I made an appointment with my GP. Two weeks later I had a prescription for T and had begun counseling. I was depressed and horribly dysphoric, but my life was not awful. If I never had the option to transition, would I survive? Of course. Will transitioning allow me to live a exponentially happier life? Absolutely. Always strive for the best.
I was suicidal, but the simple aspect of being able to transition soon keeps me going.
I'm the type of person that over-thinks just about everything. Eventually, I got to the point where my mind was exploding in a firestorm whenever I had to write my male name on an assignment, when I looked in a mirror, or whenever someone called me "him" or some other male term. "Why couldn't I have just been born with 2 X chromosomes? Why can't I just be one of the girls?; why do the girls act so differently with me? Why is this bugging me so much? Why can't I just be happy for once?"
I just can't take living a lie and having to hold back my feelings whenever I just want to scream, "For Pete's sake, I'm not a guy!!!" Seriously, I can't even find the motivation to let scars heal properly, so now I have several of them all over.
I want to live a life that will make me happy, and having to think, "What if?" on a constant basis is so nerve-wrecking. For me, transition is something for me to use as a tool to mellow me out so I can finally express myself honestly and live life to the fullest.
For me, it was the realization that I could.
Quote from: agfrommd on November 26, 2012, 04:39:51 PM
For me, it was the realization that I could.
Snap. And information was the key for me. I knew what I was for years. I knew people did such things, but I didn't exactly know how. Once you know, it's like opening Pandora's box. There's no putting it back.
Mine was actually caused not only by the irritation of my entire life, but from the girl who was also giving me my only joy in life. I thought I could cope with been her boyfriend (I did for 5 years), but when she got ready, I was jealous, when she got angry and said it was her prerogative as a women I got upset and jealous. When I thought she will carry the child I wanted to carry through pregnancy it broke me. Something within my life changed and I could no longer handle what was happening. I couldn't be a full women who could get pregnant :( but I could live as near as I could and at least be truthful to myself.
"My tipping point" being married to a women for the past 21 years she has known that I have been TG from pretty much the beginning and supportive. After raising are child and securing my career at 36 years of age I hit my tipping point where my depression and living a lie became to great to much to handle anymore, I stare at my self on the mirror and couldn't take it anymore, my wife said she couldn't take me lowing to my self anymore as we'll. it made me realize that I can no longer live as a man and transitioning is the only way to save my sanity . Of course I have been living in denial for to many years. Now I only with I had started younger.
I was using alcohol to drown my feelings for quite a while (I started drinking at 12 years old). At one point the alcohol was just not doing the trick, so I tried to kill myself. After that I quite drinking and learned that if I did not transition, I would try it again and since I was sober, I would not fail. The thought of leaving my son with only one parent is what finally drove me to transition, and I am so happy that I did.
My tipping point came some random morning. But for some reasons obscure, the line holding me down just snapped. I had been in a long term relationship (still am, same person score!), and that morning while looking in the full length mirror I told her - if I don't do this, I'm going to die. I wasn't being dramatic, it was a fact that I could feel resonating deep inside. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Paraphrasing Janis Joplin; "Transition is just another word for nothing left to loose" has also been the guiding light for my life. I learned a few tricks that work well to help me get by pretending to be a guy. I never came close to the suicidal point, not in my 20's when I twice experimented w/transition nor even today.
However... while not suicidal my mind reels more nights than not about transitioning. I actually achieved my life long dream of actually being seen accepted as a woman. The very thing I wished for but did not achieve decades ago. I am fortunate(?) to have the freedom to spend part of my life living as a woman while my wife guards our home some 300+ miles away from where I live and work. When I am not around her I think of all the joy, happiness and even passion I developed on top of the self worth and self esteem I developed these past almost 3 years.
Part-time is wearing on me, as I've been warned. Plus, being an engineer and always asking "and then what" and "what if" I keep questioning why am I bothering with part-time or thinking of full if I know I really can't because of.... all the usual reasons
My wife, who knows first hand the pain and questions I ask of myself every night, keeps telling me "screw the why nots; What will make you happy?" If it were only that simple...
The tipping point? Discovering the joy and happiness missing from my life for so many many decades. Discovering that I can be a total, complete, self actualized person and not some cardboard cutout. For both my wife and I discovering that after two years of tears and fits, we have both grown closer together as a couple. Discovering there is still a possible future for "Us" although I might or am kicking over the table.
What I find nearly impossible to do is settling for a life part-time as the real me. There is less pain for me if I go back to the "Old Ways". Yet I am finding I cannot do that again.
My 'tipping point' revolves around a guy. After a long time as an essentially asexual and aromantic being, I'd decided to see if I could meet someone. I joined a few dating sites and had a few dates with a few different guys. There was one that was a stand out, Mike. He just treated me a little differently to the other guys - and I liked it.
Mike and I started seeing each other on a more regular and serious basis, and it was all going along fine until 1 fateful night. I was over at his place and we were having an 'after' snuggle and he turned to me and said, 'Who do you think you are fooling? You are no man and you know it.' I choked out some denial, but it occurred to me that if someone who had only known me a short time could see through me, what did my old friends think? What was I supposed to think or do?
Anyway, he and I broke up not long after that and I entered a period of deep introspection - it was a dark period in my life, yes, suicide was considered and dismissed, I wasn't ready to die. The problem was I wasn't sure how to live. I eventually reached a point where I realised I only had 1 way forward - transition. So I came out and waited for the hate - there was none, my friends and family have all been accepting and supportive.
The tipping point was pretty much when I realised my life would be better and I could transition.
I was very confused and I had no idea "who I was" for a long time, sometimes even know I wish I had a clearer picture of my mental state when I was younger as a form of reinforcement and validation of my choice to transition. Since I hear so many stories of suicidal gender dysphoria and knowing from a young age but I know not everyones the same.
I've been crossdressing and having fantasies about being a woman for a few years, but never thought anything of it. I hadn't experienced any suicidal dysphoria, really ever, but at the same time, I can't say that I was "truely happy" either. When I was younger, I was extremely depressed to the point of suicide, but I had no idea of who I was then. And even after that when I got better (mainly because I became religious), I rarely smiled, I rarely made jokes, I frowned a lot and everything in life was hard but I just pushed on and thought, "I guess this is normal" and it was certainly a hell of a lot better than the depression I had suffered when I was 14-17.
As I got older, I went to university, got into a long term relationship with a woman, that lasted about 6 years and through that time my desire to be feminine just grew, I had no idea why but it became more intense to the point I was dressing and living part-time as a female whenever I could. Then 2 years ago when the relationship ended (partly due to gender issues), I tried to imagine myself as a male going through another relationship, working as a male, living life as a male and just saw no joy or future in any of that and was depressed for a while. I just put that off as "post breakup blues" but now that I think back that was my first case of gender dysphoria because I learnt about a year after that, imagining a life as a female, brought me immense amount of happiness. The more I thought about it, the more I realised this is how I wanted to live my life.
The real tipping point came about 7 or 8 months ago, when I realised that I could do it even though back then I just thought about going stealth and hiding it from friends and family, that gave me the kick I needed since that was my biggest fear. I have like 2 friends (1 which knows and is supportive) and am not very close to my family, I have very little to lose and know that I'm going to be happier, I decided that I should come out to them, even if it doesn't work out for whatever.
I think if I hadn't been religious or hadn't been in a relationship that I clung to for emotional support, I would of been dysphoric a lot earlier and a lot more intensely. I'm still dealing with all the religious and emotional baggage that I put on myself to avoid facing reality but when I look in the mirror, I see a female, it feels right and that's good enough for me.
Being 57 at the time and having indications that I may have prostate cancer. The thought of dying with problems unresolved such as my GID didn't help here. One treatment for prostate and testicular cancers and GID are the same. Female HRT. I tried the herbals first with only an aggravation of both my prostate and GID. Why not?
Joelene
Quote from: aleah on November 26, 2012, 08:48:35 PM
I was very confused and I had no idea "who I was" for a long time, sometimes even know I wish I had a clearer picture of my mental state when I was younger as a form of reinforcement and validation of my choice to transition. Since I hear so many stories of suicidal gender dysphoria and knowing from a young age but I know not everyones the same.
There are more of us like that around than you think. The first trans woman I ever met had been in a similar situation of not knowing, and I feel I was lucky to meet her first.
Quote from: Kadri on November 26, 2012, 11:08:01 PM
There are more of us like that around than you think. The first trans woman I ever met had been in a similar situation of not knowing, and I feel I was lucky to meet her first.
It's definitely reassuring to find that out. It's helped me deal with my fears and doubts.
These are wonderful replies - inspiring, moving, profound ... so many stories, each at once completely unique and yet part of a single, greater story that we all share.
Thank you so much, ladies ... keep 'em coming!! :-*
Having a RLE was a big help. It let me know I could still function and actually function better.
I wasn't suicidal, but I was destroying myself. I was getting angry and an all round bummer to be around. I was dissatisfied with my life and I overworked myself tring to find meaning in school or my job. Of course that never worked out. While I am happy to have accomplished the things I have, my work life balance was not in order. So, I became sour.
Then I launched myself into a real life test. The daily stresses were still there but didn't seem as bad. I was more social and less self conscious. Well, eventually. My first time out as a woman I was terrified. And I had my run-ins with not-so-nice members of the public. But, I could take it. Overall I came to feel more alive and authentic.
The idea of using my penis for sex never made sense to me, so I never even tried.
I had religious hang-ups to get over. Financial independence to achieve. A codependance to free myself from and, as a happy accident, became a better partner for in the process. From Halloween in kindergarten, when I first realized there were boys and girls and I was on the wrong side, I have been putting one foot in front of the other toward transition. So there was no "ah ha!" moment for me I can peg. Big moments, like choosing my new name and admitting aloud I am a woman. But it's been a long journey. I look at the road behind and the road ahead and I can't see my start or my destination. I just know I gotta keep moving.
It's amazing to hear all of these tipping points. There is such bravery here, and so much pain.
But it's making me kind of depressed because I feel very out of place in this discussion, like maybe I don't fit the profile of someone who should transition. And that is a very sad thought.
You see, I've never been suicidal (over GID or anything else), and I live a reasonably happy life, with a wonderful spouse and two amazing young sons. My masculinity has always been an ill-fitting coat, but I've learned how to manage it, and even found it to be a useful component to healthy parenting.
And even though masculinity feels like a barrier between me and the rest of the world, I'm quite sure that I could continue this way for the rest of my life and continue to be reasonably happy. In other words, it appears right now that I do not NEED to transition.
But I'm equally sure that I cannot reach my full potential as a person without transition. More than that, it's nagged at me for 42 of my 49 years, feeling almost like an inevitability that I've been making my way toward ever since I first slipped on nylon stockings at age seven. Over the past two years I've been consumed by transition considerations and early planning. I've written about my struggles extensively (see my signature for the link) and attempted to be brutally honest with myself. The bare truth is that, in my mind, transition seems like a train I'm already on that keeps rolling faster and faster, yet one that I could still stop if I really wanted to.
But I don't want to. I want to keep going. I sense something in womanhood that is essential to the better me. I could continue without it, but what would I be missing?
I am on the very cusp of starting physical transition, but can't quite seem to take that next step. In part, it's because of the risk involved, which I can observe all too well on this board. In part, it's because I hope that the whole urge will go away on its own. In part, it's because of how I don't see myself in many of these stories, and wonder if this is just some sort of mid-life crisis delusion.
At this moment, any little thing could push me either way. I am desperately in need of something to tip the scale one way or the other...
Lora
Lora ... you are not alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel ... I, too, need something to tip the scale. I guess that's why I started this thread.
This is a really awesome thread :).
I've sort of .. tip-toed(?) into transitioning. I've always been fighting masculinity, through my life. I am still just 21, but I have always been attached to the romantic and expressive side of life. In the past (teenhood?) I was drawn to the alternative/androgynous/goth scene and found safety there. I could express myself, wear all the makeup and feminine clothing and be accepted. That made things easier for me when a few months ago I just couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of not being able to wear what I want. Once I put on those decorative tights and shorts I couldn't go back. I feel like my friends knew this before I knew this. If I just *poofed* into passing, with all the boobs and butt and such tomorrow they would be pretty cool with it. It keeps me afloat :).
Now it's sort of hard to look in the mirror, at certain parts of myself. And now shaving my legs can be sort of upsetting, I don't want to have to fight back the manly hair. I want it gone :(.
SO. Yeah, that's the tipping point I guess. When I got so accustom to it all, and found myself terribly upset and uncomfortable being anything but the happy giggly girl I've always been under the surface.
Now its either get on the waiting list for GT and hormones, or cry allll theee tiimmmmeeee.
I've tried to bury this for literally decades and each time it comes around again, it's more powerful than the last. My life is a series of failed relationships. Not because they were bad, but because my gender crisis always came back to bite me as soon as we got intimate and my sexual orientation would suddenly flip on me. So I'm approaching 40 now, finally in therapy, and analyzing everything to find out what's what. The most basic parts of my life are constantly in question, things that everybody else seems to just know. My gender and sexual orientation are flip flopping like crazy. I'm starting to wonder if I've been confusing attractiveness with attraction all these years. I believe that there was never any such thing as male mode for me and that it was just a defensive thing. About half my wardrobe is female now and I've begun electrolysis. I'm tired of being miserable so everybody else can be happy.
I don't expect to start the RLT for at least 2 years, but I'm already facing obstacles that I'm not sure how to handle. My father is extremely anti-anything that's not exactly like him and if you looked up the definition of masculinity in a dictionary, you'd find him. I have a gay uncle that gets beat up anytime he tries to come visit his sister (my father's wife). I'm the only son of an only son, constantly reminded that it's my duty to carry on the family name. Even at this age, I am absolutely terrified of the reaction I will get from him when I tell him. Within the past 5 years, I tried to grow my hair out long and he held me down and shaved my head. He saw that my legs were shaved and went completely off the handle, even after I lied to him and said it was from Halloween. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't transition. At this point, I'm ready to go and it gets more and more unbearable to wait as the days progress. I'm seriously considering moving clear across the country and not telling him where before letting him in on my "little" secret, that he'll without a doubt blame my mother for.
Quote from: KarenMTF on November 28, 2012, 06:55:32 PM
I tried to grow my hair out long and he held me down and shaved my head. He saw that my legs were shaved and went completely off the handle, even after I lied to him and said it was from Halloween.
This is physical abuse - it is actually an assault (at least in the UK). Personally, I would never speak to him again, get away from him and transition in peace or at least explore your own issues without fear.
For a long time I have tried to fit in as a male in the world and like so many have failed miserably and always felt awkward and alone.
I excelled in sports to distract me and the gnawing voice in my head, no not the kill all humans but one telling me what the fairy floss are you doing pretending to be male. I remember when I first knew when I was about five telling my mum and her response was that it was not reversable and that I didn't care. I also remember getting married and seeing my ex in a beautiful wedding dress thinking wow that should be me. I tried to come out to a therapist 5 years ago but got consumed by the darkness before I could tell them.
My breaking point is now.
Now I have emerged from my private hell and have some clarity of mind, the time is now, not next year or tommorow. The voices have lessend for now and I have started my journey and it feels better than before. I will see my GP on Saturday after a 5th laser session and get an appointment to see a new therapist, also hope to get something to stop the hair loss that seems to be increasing.
I am filled with fear as I am alone, I am filled with excitement at what will happen.
I want to live. I want to be at peace.
I want to be me.
Quote from: Jenny07 on November 29, 2012, 04:55:39 AM
I am filled with fear as I am alone, I am filled with excitement at what will happen.
I want to live. I want to be at peace.
I want to be me.
((hugs))
Quote from: bev2 on November 29, 2012, 02:08:52 AM
This is physical abuse - it is actually an assault (at least in the UK). Personally, I would never speak to him again, get away from him and transition in peace or at least explore your own issues without fear.
I TOTALLY agree! And as for that whole business about carrying on the family name, unless you happen to be a member of the British royal family (that's not you, is it Harry?? ;) ) you are under no obligation to produce an heir, or maintain the family name ... and you're certainly not under any obligation to an abusive, homophobic, transphobic and, by the sound of it, misogynist father.
One of the few benefits of getting older is that we should be able to start freeing ourselves from the obligations of youth, the insecurities and the uncertainties. I'm not saying we - or even 'I' to be specific - manage that. But we're entitled to respect, self-respect and the right to define ourselves on our terms, not our parents'.
This is your life, not your father's. You have the right to dress how you want, present how you want and be who you want. And if he doesn't like it, well too bad for him.
I've known I've needed to get away from him for years, but it's hard. I really don't have a problem with walking away, it's the fear of his reaction that gets me. It's a central topic in therapy and the only major obstacle to my transition. That's why I'm waiting at least 2 years to go all out. I need to learn to deal with him or learn how to walk away from him. As a kid, I stopped talking to him several times throughout the years. He'd always guilt trip me back to him through some other family member, then when I think he's ok, about a week later, he returns to his former self. The whole family walks on eggshells around him, including his own parents, so I know it's not just me thinking the worst. I guess that just adds to the fear though.
Quote from: KarenMTF on November 29, 2012, 10:43:31 AM
I've known I've needed to get away from him for years, but it's hard. I really don't have a problem with walking away, it's the fear of his reaction that gets me. It's a central topic in therapy and the only major obstacle to my transition. That's why I'm waiting at least 2 years to go all out. I need to learn to deal with him or learn how to walk away from him. As a kid, I stopped talking to him several times throughout the years. He'd always guilt trip me back to him through some other family member, then when I think he's ok, about a week later, he returns to his former self. The whole family walks on eggshells around him, including his own parents, so I know it's not just me thinking the worst. I guess that just adds to the fear though.
Poor you ... but don't worry. You're among friends here, so if you ever need to share or just vent, this is the place to do it ... * hugs *
Re: What't the tipping point that made (or will make) you transition?
As soon as I knew ftm transition was possible, I was in. I had heard about ftms a few years before that such as Brandon Teena but he and others hadn't medically transitioned. I didn't know about medical or legal transition. No way I could pass. I was pretty much doing everything he was doing already (introducing myself with a masculine name, men's clothes, etc) aside from packing. I just didn't have the looks for it.
So just hearing about ftms didn't help me. It wasn't until I saw somewhere on the internet what T could do that I knew it was possible. Ironically, I think it was Buck Angel that I saw. :P
That was the tipping point. One look at him could convince anyone. :laugh:
I had already come to the realization I was a guy inside many years earlier without ever reading about it or knowing it was a real condition. I just knew. I needed to see it was physically possible.
Quote from: Forum Admin on November 29, 2012, 01:38:48 PM
Re: What't the tipping point that made (or will make) you transition?
As soon as I knew ftm transition was possible, I was in. I had heard about ftms a few years before that such as Brandon Teena but he and others hadn't medically transitioned. I didn't know about medical or legal transition. No way I could pass. I was pretty much doing everything he was doing already (introducing myself with a masculine name, men's clothes, etc) aside from packing. I just didn't have the looks for it.
So just hearing about ftms didn't help me. It wasn't until I saw somewhere on the internet what T could do that I knew it was possible. Ironically, I think it was Buck Angel that I saw. :P
That was the tipping point. One look at him could convince anyone. :laugh:
I had already come to the realization I was a guy inside many years earlier without ever reading about it or knowing it was a real condition. I just knew. I needed to see it was physically possible.
Role-models are so important ... For me, in my teens, it was listening to Bowie, seeing the Rocky Horror Show, then reading Jan Morris's book 'Conundrum' - the story of her sex-change, written by someone from a very similar social and intellectual background to me that woke me up to who I really was. Then the example of girls like April Ashley and Caroline Cossey (aka Tula) showed that it was possible to have a 'sex-change' (no one talked about transition then) and look feminine and sexy. Sadly, the one thing I lacked was anyone at all to reinforce my instinctive feeling that I was TS too. So many therapists told me it was just a fantasy, or a passing phase - 'nothing to worry about' - was the phrase they often used. And so the chance to transition when I was young and pretty too was missed.
One of the greatest benefits of forums like this is the chance they give to young people to discover that their feelings are real and that they are not alone. If only ...
I think my sister announcing her pregnancy tipped the scale.
After we learned my wife had a terminal illness, I was forced to consider how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Thankfully she is still with me, and I'm moving very slowly with my transition, but it is underway.
Paige
I realized that my cycle of relapse into addiction would never end unless I accepted who I was. I am stable, sober, transitioning, and content.
For me it was when i was done living a lie and had to just tell everyone i knew. I couldn't picture myself living and growing old as a man, it just doesn't fit for me. Now that I have five weeks til I start hormones which I'm extremely excited for!
This is an excellent question... I have not allowed myself the thought of transitioning at any level because I *knew* that I would be an outcast and judged negatively by everyone who sees me... I would be rejected by my uber religious family and shunned by my homophobic friends. Essentially I never considered trying for the body I would feel comfortable in because I was sure it would be committing social suicide.
The tipping point happened this week, I spent 6 days in the hospital for an infection, my big secret (the fact that I wear bras and panties) was discovered and to my surprise no one thought it was that big of a deal. Once I got admitted into the hospital, I kept the bra on under my hospital gown, and the acceptance was universal. The first nurse asked if I had gynecomastia but then I explained that I didn't, I just found bras very comfortable and prefer to wear them. We talked about it for a while and she even joked we'd make the perfect couple because the first thing she does when she comes home is take off her bra and the first thing I'd do is put one on... we could share the same bra. :D
But yeah, after a week of dealing with nothing but positive and no-big-deal type attitudes to my women's underwear secret... suddenly it doesn't seem out of line or even all that crazy to actually go for what I want, and that is to have real female breasts. Still not sure how exactly I will accomplish this feat but if it can be done, I feel good about doing it.
This post has made me think a lot, i've never been a very active member but log in and read the posts sevral times a week. I actually think I am very close to the tipping point now, i have been dressing for as long as I can remember, i have gone through periods in my life where I spent a lot of time going out as female and spend most of my time at home in female clothes but ive always hidden it away from family and friends and even though the majority of my close friends are female I have gone through stages where I have tried to fit in with straight males and did the whole muscle building and drinking bit and ive also tried to make friends with gay lads but ive never felt comfortable unless i am with other females. Over the years a number of girls I have chatted with and met have fully transitioned and are living happy full lives as females and it fills me with envy, i know get palpitatipons when I think about them and transitioning myself. Ive never had suicidal thoughts and never suffered severe depression from my gender dysphoria, i am almost 35 now and feel the clock is ticking by - i have to make a decision soon, if only I wouldnt hurt my parents, who are ill, if I told them I was really their daughter :-(
I realised I was female quite young, and didn't understand it. I left the UK and emigrated to Australia when I was 22-23 (?) to get SRS. I fell in love and we stayed together. She knew about my TG and accepted me living as a woman whenever I could, but she asked me not to transition. So I didn't. Fast forward, she is now totally disabled and lives in a nursing home, I'm so highly well known in my society I thought I would lose everything if I transitioned. I thought about it a lot.
I'm a very honest person and I couldn't believe that I was not being honest with my self. So I went FT.
I have not lost anything except for guilt.
I have gained everything.
I never knew what happiness was. I never knew that people could actually feel comfortable in their bodies.
I thought everyone woke up feeling as if life wasn't worth living and that the purpose of life was looking forward to death.
I've changed that point of view.
Quote from: Cindy James on December 01, 2012, 01:33:54 AM
I'm a very honest person and I couldn't believe that I was not being honest with my self. So I went FT.
I have not lost anything except for guilt.
I have gained everything.
I never knew what happiness was. I never knew that people could actually feel comfortable in their bodies.
I thought everyone woke up feeling as if life wasn't worth living and that the purpose of life was looking forward to death.
I've changed that point of view.
Thank you, I'm still feeling a little jittery been full time and this has made me feel soo much better. :)
Quote from: RachelH on December 01, 2012, 01:46:34 AM
Thank you, I'm still feeling a little jittery been full time and this has made me feel soo much better. :)
PM me if you wish Sis. I'm happy to discuss how I went about stuff and what I learned.
Hugs
Cindy
I think my tipping point was my age, along with going online and seeing a lot more evidence of people successfully transitioning. When I came out to my (now ex.) girlfriend, I had basically reached a point where I at least wanted it out in the open. Her response was pretty good, which sort of sparked a realization that it might not be as bad as I thought to come out to people, at which point I decided I needed to try.
As I have reached my tipping point recently I wanted to get things moving with my GP today to see a therapist and talk through things that I have never discussed and held close in fear of exposure like us all. I made the decision this week to act and not procrastinate any more.
So besides melting today as it was hot, hot, hot in Sydney today 100F+, I went to see my local GP who I have been seeing for some time. From what others have said, she is very helpful and know what to do in these cases. I was all set after my laser session today and went to see her. I have been there before about this but need to go again.
Deep breath, I go in and try to see her.
Bother, or some other word I should not post, I have missed her by 5 minutes today.
Oh well she will be in tomorrow so I will see her then as I have her times.
I have been overthinking what to say, but as she will have my records it will make it much easier.
Wish me luck tomorrow and I hope it is not as hot, not likely....
Anyway if your out there Cindy, get the red hot poker ready if I pike out and don't see her tomorrow.
I will expect an interigation this time tomorrow from you.
What have I got to loose? What have any of us got to loose?
Very nervous
J
The realization of being transgender came to me in the spring of 2011. From that point forward, I thought about transitioning non-stop for eight months. It was the number one topic on my mind during that time, and I did so much reading and research and watching videos. Like someone else said, one of the biggest factors in my decision was just seeing how many people could do it (and have done it) successfully. There are many more reasons; I could talk for hours (and have done so with my former psychologist) and must stop myself from writing an endless wall-of-text here. Having finally accepted that I'd never really connected with masculinity, that my friendships with guys were based on things other than feeling like "one of the guys," that I'd always (even if only unconsciously) related better to women than to men, among many other revelations, I was able to make my decision to transition because I realized that I couldn't stand the thought of living as a man (or trying to be a man, to be accepted as a man) for the rest of my life. Then I felt that my transition couldn't start soon enough. Even if the road is rocky in the beginning (and may well be for several years), why wouldn't you want to prolong, as much as possible, the time that you'll spend living the way that makes you the most happy? In other words, you should consider how much you might regret not starting earlier, once you're on the other side.
I'm deeply saddened that anyone ever has to think of transition as an absolute last resort out of fears of "going through hell." What that does is shift the onus entirely onto you; you have to be responsible and take the fall for other people's prejudices. But why should it be like that? If there weren't so much transphobia and other forms of bigotry in the world, then transition would be a no-brainer for most. Remember that fear is one of the most powerful methods of control. That's why terrorists are often so effective. But that's also why the right thing to do is having policies like not negotiating with terrorists. No good ever came from succumbing to fear and letting others control you through fear. Although nobody will fault you for choosing the path of least resistance, please don't forget that the other choice, the choice of taking a stand, is not only a way to help yourself but also others (however indirectly) who may be in situations that are similar to yours. Please consider why so many gay people have chosen to come out at great personal risk: It's the best way, perhaps the only way, to change the hearts and minds of homophobic loved ones who don't otherwise know any gay people personally. And you know what? It has worked.
Quote from: Cindy James on December 01, 2012, 01:33:54 AM
I realised I was female quite young, and didn't understand it. I left the UK and emigrated to Australia when I was 22-23 (?) to get SRS. I fell in love and we stayed together. She knew about my TG and accepted me living as a woman whenever I could, but she asked me not to transition. So I didn't. Fast forward, she is now totally disabled and lives in a nursing home, I'm so highly well known in my society I thought I would lose everything if I transitioned. I thought about it a lot.
I'm a very honest person and I couldn't believe that I was not being honest with my self. So I went FT.
I have not lost anything except for guilt.
I have gained everything.
I never knew what happiness was. I never knew that people could actually feel comfortable in their bodies.
I thought everyone woke up feeling as if life wasn't worth living and that the purpose of life was looking forward to death.
I've changed that point of view.
These are inspirational words for me too. My work is very public and my transition would/will be impossible to keep secret - as in 'out of the media'. I, too, have been terrified of the effect that would have, not so much on me as on my wife and children. I fear them being shamed, humiliated and pestered. I also fear for my ability to keep earning money once my trans status goes public.
But the knowledge that others have walked that same path and survived is incredibly helpful. Thank you!
This thread has been incredibly helpful and one of my tipping points, so thank you all for that. I have begun transitioning in many ways already (my behavior, my appearance), but really transitioning physically has been something I am a bit afraid of. I still am, so very, very afraid.
My family isn't the most conservative one, but I know my mother will be ashamed and want to hide my "secret", my father will most likely not accept this and my other relatives, well, they will judge and question. This makes me afraid, but also determined. Before I thought about transitioning, I'd never have considered going against their judgement in anything, I was really a push-over; and now that I know this really rings true to me, and that this is something they will have lots of prejudice about, my determination to walk this road even if I know many will not accept me makes my decision feel so true and real and dear. Somewhere along the way I have begun to accept myself, I've never felt that before, and now I do, all thanks to understanding that I am transgender.
The other, a bit shorter point and realization was that as a girl, I would never find happiness. Especially in romantic relationships: even if the person was right and the feelings were real, I was always wrong and out of place, and I hated that. In other relationships, well, I don't have many feelings towards my relatives or any people I call friends. I have somewhat of a grim outlook on life and people. Transitioning, I think, means I could really relate to them all and build real relationships with them, not just something that always feels fake when there's this big, physical wall between me and the world and the wall is all others can see.
So there are my points. Again, thanks for all these stories and thoughts. :)
I realised I had spent 10 years wishing and wanting to be a woman and I couldn't face another 10 years of the same.The thought of dying an old man having lived an empty and unfulfilled life terrified me.
After being too scared at 22 and not even really knowing what to do to start.
After thinking marriage would "fix" me at 28.
After starting therapy but then going back to repressing it for fear of never seeing my children at 32.
Finally when I divorced at 38 I decided nothing was going to stand in my way any longer.
And nothing did...Now at 40 I have transitioned and I am happier than I have been in my whole life. I am a woman, still friends with my ex and have a great relationship with my children.
I don't know if I would have killed myself or not and I think that's an awful standard to set in place.
I don't know if there was really a tipping point, but there was a confluence of factors. For one thing, my life had in a sense already gone to hell (after starting out somewhere nearby) and I spent my teenage years picking up the pieces. Something like transition would have been, literally, unthinkable to me at that point in my life.
Right now, I'm a lot more secure in things, I have a lot more supports and resources, and I'm in a relatively trans accepting area. Not the best, but not the worst either. Once those things came together I gradually started to seriously think about HRT and transition.
The closest thing to a "tipping point" was after I reached a kind of "crisis stage." I had come out to myself, started to seek out HRT, and then back tracked out of fear. I thought that if I ignored the problem then it would go away and that I could eventually move far away so that the very small number of people who I had talked to would totally cease to be a possible influence on my life. Instead things started to get worse and the stress began to interfere with my life, schoolwork, etc. I thought maybe I could put up with it for a long time at the cost of my happiness, productivity, and well being, but I wasn't sure and I didn't want to try. Plus I wanted to transition while I'm still relatively young.
I haven't started social transition yet, but I plan to after I give HRT a chance to do its work some and after I get some lasers shot at my face. So that's where I am.
Quote from: big kim on December 02, 2012, 10:45:19 AM
I realised I had spent 10 years wishing and wanting to be a woman and I couldn't face another 10 years of the same.The thought of dying an old man having lived an empty and unfulfilled life terrified me.
I know just how you feel. I've been thinking a lot about that lately, ever since my doctor said he knew a lot of non-transitioning TSs in their 70s and even older who were filled with regret for not having had the courage, or the right circumstances to take the plunge and fulfil themselves as women.
Also, Sadie, that's a great story - well done!
And Carbon, I wish you so much luck and happiness in your transition
Just an update. I was Chair of a job interview panel today. I was also the only female member. I interviewed six people for a job four females two males. None had met me before. None had any physical reaction to me; such as surprise, a blink or anything.
I either pass, and I don't think so, or people are s**t scared of offending me at a job interview.
:laugh:
I was tired of repressing my feelings, so I started cross dressing some months ago. At first I didn't know too much about transsexuals, I watched a lot of documentaries and talk with another TS and I realized I was one.
After that I started planning my options and finally, my transition.
Quote from: Cindy James on December 05, 2012, 01:47:10 AM
I either pass, and I don't think so, or people are s**t scared of offending me at a job interview.
:laugh:
Perhaps your work clothes fooled them... >:-) >:-)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.medincn.com%2Fcache_user%2Fsafecaremed%2Fphoto%2FMedical_Isolation_suit.jpg&hash=417949bf964bcb3b252f7120bdb65a264bb94653)
Wore the usual whites:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7d4.scene7.com%2Fis%2Fimage%2F%2F%2FCostumeSupercenter%2FDG7711%3Flayer%3Dcomp%26amp%3B%26amp%3Bop_sharpen%3D1%26amp%3B%26amp%3Breq%3Dtmb%26amp%3Bwid%3D75%26amp%3Bhei%3D100&hash=e99f6abd875c0066cde1eda325fc98c9d5434e9a)
Quote from: Cindy James on December 05, 2012, 04:09:42 AM
Wore the usual whites:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7d4.scene7.com%2Fis%2Fimage%2F%2F%2FCostumeSupercenter%2FDG7711%3Flayer%3Dcomp%26amp%3B%26amp%3Bop_sharpen%3D1%26amp%3B%26amp%3Breq%3Dtmb%26amp%3Bwid%3D75%26amp%3Bhei%3D100&hash=e99f6abd875c0066cde1eda325fc98c9d5434e9a)
I had no idea you were casting the Woolloomoolloo Playhouse production of Mamma Mia! ;)
Quote from: kathy b on November 26, 2012, 12:22:38 PM
GID was effecting everything I did, and it was making life so miserable it drove me to take more unsafe drugs at higher doses to achieve some oddly precieved level of femininity.
Kathy
A familiar theme, so well worded.
Quote from: Tesla on November 26, 2012, 04:50:49 PM
Snap. And information was the key for me. I knew what I was for years. I knew people did such things, but I didn't exactly know how. Once you know, it's like opening Pandora's box. There's no putting it back.
This, was exactly it for me too
Quote from: NadineElaine on November 26, 2012, 01:08:40 PM
I don't post much, but something in the first post of this thread gets me. Apparently someone advised against transitioning while married unless you're severely unhappy or suicidal. That's horrible advice. Becoming suicidal and severely depressed are not something that happens overnight. If anyone even thinks they have the beginning of depression, go see someone. If It's GID, then only one thing will ease dylsphoria, and that's transitioning.
Whether you're single, married, it doesn't matter. Im married and am transitioning, and thankful as I am that me and my wife are stronger than ever, that would not have changed my decision. I, like all of us, am human and as such, deserve to be happy and alive while I'm here.
That's not advice....it's an opinion, and that is what a forum is about, sharing experiences, ideas, and opinions. I don't reject your opinion, it's rather informative.
Quote from: HeatherR on November 30, 2012, 05:22:33 AM
I think my sister announcing her pregnancy tipped the scale.
And now said sister is in labor. ;D
Quote from: HeatherR on December 11, 2012, 11:32:00 AM
And now said sister is in labor. ;D
I can totally relate Heather, when my exwife became pregnant it totally sent my Dysphoria into overdrive. I got very jealous.
Quote from: HeatherR on December 11, 2012, 11:32:00 AM
And now said sister is in labor. ;D
Alright, your sister is going to go through an agonizing pain like she never felt before! That's great! (Sarcasm)
I know that it's bad, but my sister told me that she wants to have 4 kids when she gets older, and all I could think at that moment was, "I hope it hurts... a lot."
Jealousy is a cruel mistress. :P