Hi all, incase you don't feel like reading about my personal woes (and I don't blame you :P ) I'll get straight to the subject , I'm sure this wasn't easy on any of us, but for those of you out there who have done it, how on earth did you gather the courage to come out with your gender dysmorphia (I do hope that's the right term, I still feel painfully ignorant of the right terminology around here :P).
Ok if you're still reading I'll expand on the reason I asked, after years of feeling this and dismissing it and myself as crazy, I finally got sick enough of the whole charade to post some pics of myself on the could I pass board a couple of days ago. The reply's I received, overwhelmingly positive, honestly lifted me up so much! I could do it! There is hope!
So I set out tonight to let a friend of mine know, just one friend that's all. I still don't imagine how i could ever possibly tell everyone, but I couldn't even do that. I just hovered near the topic then let it drop :( I feel like crying right now. I can't even fathom building up the courage to come out to even my most accepting friends let alone my family at large and everyone else, I think I'm stuck like this...
edit: Just read this back to myself, feels a little melodramatic, all that's really happened is I've kept my mouth shut one more day, but I 'll leave it up now I've posted
You were not only telling your friend, you were telling yourself. For how many years you wanted to scream to the world...I AM NOT A MALE!!!!
So, when you start telling others, all the pain and emotion comes out.
So, now, how will you feel when you see your friend again? I will tell you: "happy and relive," and so it will be with the others.
In my experience a small people, usually those close to you -you know the ones who really love you- will accept you and cherish you, another small group of people will be hostile, and the majority of people would not care one way or another
Courage,
I actually got lucky. I decide I was going to start adding small things to my wardrobe, one of which was wearing very small earrings. The very first day one of my friends at work, ask why I was wearing earrings. I looked at him and said "I am Transsexual". And that was that. The store knew shortly there after. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
Hello, Hazel. I don't believe we've met before. I'm Reinhaven. Let's be friends and work through this together.
The first point Peky made was quite crucial to how you're feeling; not only were you telling your friend how you feel, but also saying it verbally to yourself. Telling yourself "yes; I <i>am</i> female."
When I first told my mom about who I was, I cried. A lot. I think it was mostly because I was talking to a person who had seen me as female for all of my life and I was scared she wouldn't love me anymore. She doesn't embrace my ->-bleeped-<-, and is even attempting to tell me otherwise--but just letting it out to someone who would listen was a first step.
I think you should tell someone who's tolerant. If you don't have a friend like that, there's no rush, but try to meet up with someone who seems flexible. This is key. One thing I feared my mom would do was act all shocked and dismayed, but she sat relaxed through our conversation. She heard me. Someone had heard me.
Maybe you should make a close female friend. I'm not saying that males aren't tolerant. What I'm getting at is that, once you tell her about your true self, she might be able to give you tips to feminize your appearance and actions. I mean, let's face it; after posing as one gender for so long, even if it wasn't your true one, you're going to be stuck in that gender's ways. You'll probably need some advice, but you can get advice here, too.
I know the pressure gender disphoria can have on you, so it's important to tell someone close to you. Make sure to tell them when you're ready. I hope for the best for you!
My friends and I were in a pizzeria, and I just flat out told them. Ripped the proverbial bandage right off. :P
How I got the courage to do so? Well, I'm able to blank out and talk. So I just said it while in a trance, or should I say in a trans. Badum tsh!
Anyway, you can always try telling them, "I have something to tell you." By doing so, you basically have to give them something.
I got drunk and blurted out.
And yes, I think you'll make a very cute girl. :)
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 05, 2013, 01:46:27 AM
I got drunk and blurted out.
Liquid courage! :laugh:
:icon_drunk:
for me..it was interesting
After I had my eureka moment, I spent 3 months intensely researching the subject just to make sure I wasn't imaging things.
By the fourth month I did phone consultations with a therapist (none in my area)..still very much in the closet
I moved to Seminary in the summer of 2010. My Therapist told me it was now or never....going to school was the perfect time...a Seminary tho? o_0
For the next two months I was a girl inside my apartment and slowly wore like girl's blouses...by very andron.
In August, I tried to go to an MCC Church (LGBT heavy centered church) in andro clothing and makeup...I drove there...wigged out and drove home).
First week of September was our orientation class for graduate freshmen. Still very andro...makeup...said my name was Annah.
Second week of class I wore my first skirt, hose, and blouse. First class...sat there...15 minutes later I ran into the bathroom and threw up.
I was as right as rain ever since LOL
You do get used to it. Just like stepping into the ocean. It's cold at first but then you get used to it.
this is my transition video
When you first see me dressing up as a girl...that was only two months starting with makeup clothes, etc. By the time you see me with glasses, that was my second week of classes
http://youtu.be/H3z87yt6tgc (http://youtu.be/H3z87yt6tgc)
oh...I came out to my family a couple weeks after that in October 2010
I was in the navy at the time. While home on rec leave I told a close aunty of mine, over dinner at a restaurant one night, in tears. That was after months of deliberation. We talked for hours after that, and a few days later I had to go back. Then a few weeks later got a call from my sister on the base. My Aunty had told my cousin, who told my sister.
Then about 6 months later I flew home especially to tell my parents. My Dad burst into tears. He's that kind of guy. But they were great.
Then a few days later I flew back to base, and had another 6 months to go until I got out and started HRT properly.
How I did it really depended on the person. But most I told in person.. Then there were the few old friends in far places I told on the phone. And then there was the long post on Facebook for the rest of the world..
Each time I told someone it got easier. But, by far, the hardest person to ever tell was myself.
Well my father called on his break at work and he could tell that I was sad over the phone so he asked what was wrong. I told him that he wouldn't understand and he said "try me" so I told him.
My sister was on the phone with me discussing all of the trouble that was going on in Israel. She was saying how she was keeping Isarael in her prayers so at that time I came out to her. It was like a "oh, okay, hey guess what? I'm transgender."
I told one of my friends on the phone. I pretty much said I know why I feel this way and it's becasue I'm transgender.
Quote from: hazel on January 04, 2013, 07:32:01 PM
So I set out tonight to let a friend of mine know, just one friend that's all. I still don't imagine how i could ever possibly tell everyone, but I couldn't even do that. I just hovered near the topic then let it drop :( I feel like crying right now. I can't even fathom building up the courage to come out to even my most accepting friends let alone my family at large and everyone else, I think I'm stuck like this...
It sounds to me like you are not quite ready to come out. You are very close, but not quite there. Once you are ready no force on Earth will stop you from telling people and the first time is always the hardest.
One simple option is to have a piece of paper with the words
"I am transsexual but I find it hard to talk about it" and then pass that to whoever you want to talk to and then let them ask questions. It is always easier to answer question.
My preferred method was to write down an explanation on an A4 page together with supporting notes on a few other pages which I then mailed to the people involved. This allowed them to have everything written down so they could re-read it and take it in and decide what they wanted to know. I found that it worked very well.
Once you have told one person, it gets a lot easier. Once you have told 3 or 4 it starts to get tedious. By the time you have done a dozen it is
"Oh yeah - I am a male to female transsexual, don't worry about it, it is no big deal":-)
An excellent piece posted by a woman in my group
http://youtu.be/2WoPQ4q0BsM (http://youtu.be/2WoPQ4q0BsM)
Quote from: hazel on January 04, 2013, 07:32:01 PM
So I set out tonight to let a friend of mine know, just one friend that's all. I still don't imagine how i could ever possibly tell everyone, but I couldn't even do that. I just hovered near the topic then let it drop :( I feel like crying right now. I can't even fathom building up the courage to come out to even my most accepting friends let alone my family at large and everyone else, I think I'm stuck like this...
Here is a bit of my early days and my own transition:
My transition stated with a lot of crying. A girl I was seeing at the time commented to me one night when we were talking "You know, it's like your a girl or something.". I guess she could tell something wasn't quite right with me. One day she caught me wearing her make up and was like WTF?? Then it all starting coming out of me. I cried for a long time and finally after exhausting all of my tears it came out. I remember a few days later buying a book off of Amazon.com called "True Selves" and that made me cry even more because now I knew what I had to do.
Sometimes I feel like my life was that of a thoroughbred horse. I was born and bred to do this one thing and ahead of me lied my own Kentucky Derby. Once I started doing electrolysis for a few months is when the fog started to lift and I knew I could do it. I had started to figure out the puzzle. I read the hundreds of pages of informaton on tsroadmap.com over and over and over. I printed off pages so I wouldn't forget. I worked on making my own time table, started figuring out how much it would all cost and how I could get there. Then it was just a matter of getting myelf in for therapy and hormones and the rest. I showed up for my first apointment at my primary therapists office looking like a typical office guy look. After that first session is when I decided to throw out my clothes, keeping only a few things I needed for work and began living a dual life, which I knew I would have to do while I figured out when I could get to full time day 1.
I joined the yahoo FFS group and read through posts and studied of all of the facial surgery techniques and read and read and read. Then I knew I was ready to talk to surgeons about what was right for me.
In 2000, I registered for an IFGE convention so that I could learn about surgeries directly from the surgeons and I ended up walking away with a great feeling of confidence because I met other successfully transitioned women and it gave me the opportunity to ask them questions and whether they thought my plans were any good. Of course whenever the topic turns to, is surgeon X better than surgeon Y is when the debate starts, so I learned quickly that my choice would be my own and for my own reasons.
At that convention I had a chance to talk and ask questions about my plans, in private, to Marci Bowers (she wasn't an SRS surgeon then and Dr Biber was still around). One person who really really helped me, although she probably doesn't know it was Donna Rose. One day we sat in the Hotel Lobby for what seemed like hours, drinking coffee and just talking about everything how she came out at work, how life was like on the full time side, recovering from facial surgery, etc etc. A few weeks after that I had my first round o facial surgery booked and I knew full time living was on the horizon and I could see it.
I went to my boss at work and finally told him, and the next day was fired from my job and walked out of the bulding (job elimination they called it, so I could collect unemployment, funny how it was only my job elminated though). The very next day I filed my name change in court and then called the Dr's office and asked if I could do the surgery any earlier. Suprise, there was an opening in 3 weeks, and I even had the cash to pay for it as well :) I remember at the time I drove a pickup truck and my passport was still male, but I did have papers from my therapist. I wanted to make sure I made it over the border so I dressed like a guy and wore a john deere tractor hat I bought at Kmart so I could tuck all my hair underneath.
Once I was back from Canada and the shock and awe of the surgery results started to kick in and my approved name change came back from the court, I knew I was there. I didn't have a job but I was full time, my nasty facial hairs were gone, and I was officially on hormones. I literally went bonkers. Years of pent up feminity came gushing out. I wanted my fingers and toes done, I needed to get my ears pierced and I wanted to buy jewelry and more clothes. I started off at goodwill. I did manage to find some things that I could wear for cheap since I was on unemployment and 2 nice womens suits.
I was out of work and then I learned when I tried to re-enter the work place how difficult it is for us, but I kept at it. I don't give up so easily. An old boss I knew had called me one day and say call this place they have a job opening you will be ineterested in. I guess it helped being an exemplary employee at that company that he felt comfortable giving a recommendation for me. Two weeks later I had a freaking job. I took a huge pay cut, but hey I had a job and my transition didn't come crashing down to the ground. I knew between electrolysis and saving for surgery it was going to be tight, plus I had to finish off my 1 year of full time with my therapist to get my letters so I had to keep that going as well. Once therapy was done and electrolysis was waning down, the surgery pot grew fast. One thing I learned about the surgeons is that money talks. The waiting list stuff is a work of fiction. When I called and said I had my letters and more importantly the cash, when I can get it done, I had 3 dates within 5 mnutes :) I ended up having to move the date out a bit to the begining of March 2003 not because I had to, but because that would be the best for work and to make sure I would be coming back to work and being able to resume my duties.
The rest is history. The trip to Thailand for my breast augmentation was a reward for a transition well done. I had won the derby. I did that trip between jobs so I had all the time I needed to enjoy myself thoroughly. My career took off, my confidence was soaring, and I loved every breath of air that filled my lungs. I had enough confidence and happiness for 10 people. Then I needed to disappear and figure out exactly what kind of woman I was. Who was I? I had gone through all of this whirlwind and now I had to figure out the hard part. So I disappeared for many years while I was making new friends, finding new activities, learning new things about myself that I always longed for. After a few years I started to wonder. I can't be the only one who made it out the other side, happy, well adjusted and loving life, can I? It can't be just me? So that's why I'm here :) Hopefully to be a positive affirming model for someone else, like the way Donna Rose and Marci Bowers was with me.
Quote from: hazel on January 04, 2013, 07:32:01 PM
edit: Just read this back to myself, feels a little melodramatic
In my experience drama is not atypical. But this is big deal stuff with a lotta big moments that can be overwhelming so perhaps it's to be expected, and definitely always forgiven. :)
Quote from: peky on January 04, 2013, 08:09:37 PM
You were not only telling your friend, you were telling yourself.
And as others noted, I like this too.
All the times I came out, I came out when I was ready as I believe you will. Odds are it will get easier as you get more confident in yourself and do it a few times.
Quote from: bev2 on January 05, 2013, 06:43:29 AM
By the time you have done a dozen it is "Oh yeah - I am a male to female transsexual, don't worry about it, it is no big deal"
And life starts to get really cool when you arrive here!
The first time I did it, I sent a very lengthy email that went through the parts of my life that they didn't know about. Then followed up with an in person visit a couple weeks later. I wish I had done that the other way around now though. That was to my mother and she spent two weeks thinking she did something wrong.
I have plans to tell a friend, unfortunately our plans fell through and I have to wait a bit. For that one I have a few generic thoughts put together on paper that I'll read from in person. Basically it just says I'm transgendered and answers questions I expect to immediately pop out of her mouth, like whether or not I'm gay (my mother asked me that). It also lists out some things that she thinks I like that I actually despise and vice versa.
My therapist also told me that the second she hears transgendered, there's a good chance that she won't hear anything else, so I should write another paper up to leave with her for afterwards. So that one is about 5 pages long that literally answers every question I could think of anybody asking.
EDIT: Oh and I also linked this site at the bottom of the longer letter in case I forgot anything.
I was lucky. most of my friends just figured it out in junior high school and from that point on. my parents caught me dressing like a girl at school so that caused problems until they had a family meeting. that was like waiting for AIDS test results. but we talked, cried and yelled and then cried some more and then all was well.
I could write a book of coming out stories, in part because I did it in such strange stages. I don't recall the last time I wore anything from the men's department, but for a long time I had been presenting in a very androgynous, but for me still a very compromised way.
Never dresses, never anything super girly. Part of that is my age and personal style, but there are so many outfits I've been tempted to wear in public that I haven't worn until recently. I've had pierced ears for at least the last 10 years, but almost never wore anything but posts, and often very subtle ones, in public, when I really wanted to wear more dangly, unmistakeably femme styles, which I've collected quite a few of over the years.
One "cheat" in my most recent coming out to over 100 people, some who've known me for decades, but many who've barely known me at all, in part because I've so long been living in a kind of "hide in plain sight mode" was that my son was coming out to the same group as a transman. He hasn't started HRT or other procedure, and he really wants top surgery to happen ASAP.
But it seemed to me that I couldn't really support his coming out without doing a bit of my own. The week started with me presenting at the most femme I have in a public setting, but after a day of that, and several verbal comings out to people who knew me well, I was still concerned I was being too ambiguous. We were doing a kind of roleplay game, and I'd discussed with (and my son was helping run that part of the event and also talked to the leaders) and we agreed I would present full femme, including breastforms, dress and unmistakably female presentation. I stayed that way for the rest of the event.
It was nervewracking to walk out the door the first time, and each time I changed outfits there were a few moments of thinking "Is this too much?" followed by, "But you're already out!"
The conversations that followed were some of the most open and honest I've had with those people or anyone I know. I'd already been out with my ex for many decades, and had been having ongoing conversations with my kids making my status much more clear to them in the past few months, so this wasn't a shock for them. And it wasn't much of a shock for those who already knew me well... but then I had tried over the years to never actually lie about my gender identity, I just hadn't made it totally clear, or dwelled on it as an issue.
For me it was a great weight being lifted, and opened up a lot of conversations I only wish I'd managed to have many years earlier than this.
To some extent it was also a survival necessity... feeling contstrained in the ways I'd imposed on myself was only contributing to more depressive waves of feeling that often bordered on a passive suicide wish. Whenever I started to feel a little awkward about the situation (since I'm not yet on HRT, and my facial features don't exactly make me totally passable (and I also went there without a wig and had to tease my hair into the best approximation of a femme hairstyle I could manage) -- I reminded myself of some things my son had said when he was spending a few weeks in an outpatient program, dealing with anxiety issues during his senior year of high school.
He said in a number of family sessions how he wished that I could be more hopeful, and so much of my lack of hope and optimism at that time was coming from my feelings of entrapment, and so much of that came from not feeling enabled to just be myself, and let people's reactions be whatever they would be.
I lost track during the week of how many of my friends (who I can now call friends without thinking I'm using some special definition of that word) said something similar to "It's great seeing you this happy. I've never seen you so at ease with yourself."
Quote from: Elspeth on January 05, 2013, 11:53:17 AM
I lost track during the week of how many of my friends (who I can now call friends without thinking I'm using some special definition of that word) said something similar to "It's great seeing you this happy. I've never seen you so at ease with yourself."
I have also had that sort of comment from both friends and relatives. One friend even went so far as to say that she really preferred me as I am now as opposed to my old male persona. I am frequently amazed by how supportive people have been.
Quote from: bev2 on January 05, 2013, 12:33:46 PM
I have also had that sort of comment from both friends and relatives. One friend even went so far as to say that she really preferred me as I am now as opposed to my old male persona. I am frequently amazed by how supportive people have been.
I can't stress enough how helpful such comments are when they come. I don't want to give others a vote in my sense of identity, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that having this kind of affirmation is a huge boost in terms of accepting that, whatever the compromises are that may still exist and some may be unfixable, this kind of thing gives a huge boost in knowing that I'm doing what's right for me, and in the long run, what's right for those I love, simply by becoming more the person in public that has always been there in my feelings and self image at some deep, deep level.
One thing I have learned from the coming out process is people are amazing :).
I think if you are too nervous to talk to people, and you are a decent writer, emails can work great. My advice is just to keep it short and sweet as possible and be very positive and full of love, then let the other person take control of the conversation. That way you only answer the questions they actually have and don't overwhelm them with a novel of gobbledygook. I think the same applies for face to face conversations.
One other thing, make sure you are ready and you have a relatively clear idea of where things are going before telling people. That is my opinion anyway.
Quote from: Jen on January 05, 2013, 01:12:55 PM
One other thing, make sure you are ready and you have a relatively clear idea of where things are going before telling people. That is my opinion anyway.
Yeah, I always had an escape route to run, if needed. :laugh:
Quote from: Jen on January 05, 2013, 01:12:55 PM
One thing I have learned from the coming out process is people are amazing :).
... just to keep it short and sweet as possible and be very positive and full of love, then let the other person take control of the conversation. That way you only answer the questions they actually have and don't overwhelm them with a novel of gobbledygook. I think the same applies for face to face conversations.
Great advice! When do I level up enough to start giving you reputation boosts? ;)
Quote from: Jen on January 05, 2013, 01:12:55 PM
My advice is just to keep it short and sweet as possible
I agree with this
Quote from: Jen on January 05, 2013, 01:12:55 PM
and be very positive and full of love,
Indeed. I also strongly emphasized the
medical aspects of this. It gives friends and family something to hold on to when they read that this is a recognised medical condition, not a lifestyle choice. I mentioned the psychological evaluations, the clinical revues and the fact that the process takes years. This reassured people that I was not going to be running around in a taffeta ballgown with a falsetto voice with silicon boobs the next time they saw me. Ridiculuos as it sounds, that is the sort of image that many people have of transexulism. So reassure them.
Quote from: JoanneB on January 05, 2013, 06:55:53 AM
An excellent piece posted by a woman in my group
http://youtu.be/2WoPQ4q0BsM (http://youtu.be/2WoPQ4q0BsM)
That was beoutifu, touching, and even funny. Thank you for the link Joanne!!!
oo
P
Wow! Thanks for the reply's everyone, wasn't expecting this much feedback ^_^ I guess it's a subject that's weighed heavily on everyone here at some point or other.
Actually should have mentioned that I have kind of come out about it to one other person before, but while I was pretty intoxicated. I remember she was very positive about it but I quickly recanted when I sobered up the next morning and tried to put it down to being drunk, we've since largely fell out of contact due to moving about. So this still feels like coming out about it for the first time right now, even if technically it's not.
Since you all took the time to write and since I've been thinking about this a lot over the last week I'll attempt to respond to everyone here. Hmm this could make for a lengthy post.
@Peky, I know, it took me long enough to post it somewhat anonymously on a message board, I think I know a few people who would definitely react favorably, some (extended family) I'm certain would not, but mostly I'm apprehensive about the rest who might be shocked and think of me as weird from then on. That thought bothers me more than outright hostility for some reason.
@OBrien, good tactic :D I could try to fem up my appearance a bit first as a way to break the ice ^^
@Reinhaven, nice to meet you :) luckily I do have some female friends that I'm quite close to, I just don't see them nearly as much as my male ones, but when I can I think I'll definitely start with them for some of the reasons you gave. It's really just a case of building up the courage to do it at this point. I'm also incredibly lucky that my parents are very liberal on the topic, so I know I'm fortunate to have this much going for me there.
@Diana, all of them at once? yikes! I hope that went well, a one on one conversation is frightening enough at the moment thanks, you will have to teach me how to go into a trance tho :D
@Admin, I'm almost certain drunk is how I will eventually do it, it's how I came out about my sexuality, and thank you ^^
@Annah, what witchcraft is this 0_0 seriously amazing transformation! wearing woman's clothing or makeup in public is pretty much unthinkable to me right now, that must have taken a lot of guts, glad it paid of for you ^^
@Ausbelle, part of me kind of wishes that would happen, someone else spreading the news (or someone I know stumbles across the pics of me I posted on here), just so that I don't have to go through doing to much of the outing myself. Then again another part hopes nobody I know ever goes near these forums 0_0
@Kelly, I get that completely, because I had much the same experience coming out as bisexual (sans the facebook post, probably 70% of people who know me know about that now). Well it is some comfort to know every step won't be as hard as the first.
@Malachite, I do like the idea of dropping it into the conversation as casually as possible, much more than some grand statement.
@Bev2, writing out my thoughts on it might not be a bad idea actually, even if its just practice at this point, with the exception of writing this I tend to just let my thoughts stew in my head. Ah I can't wait until the thought of telling someone inspires boredom in me rather than fear :D
@JoanneB, :D if all else fails I may try the Dr Seuss method of coming out ^^
@Zumbagirl, thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you had to work every step of the way to make your real self a reality, I can see I've got quite a lot to learn ahead of me! I can't believe they fired you tho! I'm afraid my ignorance on the law in those cases is also quite glaring (well, I've seen Philadelphia ^^ not that that's exactly the same situation), was there any legal recourse you could have taken and did you? It sound's like it was definitely all worth it in the end tho, you sound very happy with your life now :)
@Misato33, That point, the no big deal stage seems a long way off yet, hope it comes sooner rather than later!
@Emily, you just made me kind of glad I didn't actually say anything the other night, I probably would have been a stuttering mess when the follow up questions came, hope telling your friend goes well.
@Tristan, Glad everything ended up well for you :) but I do hope I can skip the drama that might come, I just want the coming out to pass and have the whole thing become a distant memory.
@Elspeth, what a unique situation, you and your son have your own mini support group in each other :) I haven't even ventured as far as dressing androgynous, infact being somewhat repressed on two fronts (gender and sexuality) I always tended to gravitate to the least showy and dark clothes I could find, I've at least starting wearing some brighter colours now :P Baby steps indeed.
@Jen, thanks, I do have some amazing people in my life luckily :D and I'm fairly shy in person so I don't think letting them take control of the conversations going to be a problem
Was just thinking, I used to have a female friend who took to jokingly (but definitely affectionately) referring to me by a female name, when she started doing it in font of mutual male friends I (to save face) pretended that I didn't like it, when inside I don't think I'd ever been so happy, ouch how pathetic is that :/
Ok thanks again for the reply's everyone some really useful advice in there :)
edit: Eek! I use smileys far to much
Quote from: hazel on January 05, 2013, 02:39:19 PM
@Diana, all of them at once? yikes! I hope that went well, a one on one conversation is frightening enough at the moment thanks, you will have to teach me how to go into a trance tho :D
Well, it did go well. Some examples of how to go into a trance-like state.
1. Think about cartoons or anything equally entertaining. ;D
2. Sing "We Didn't Start the Fire" or any other difficult song in your head while you talk. You'll be more focused on the song than your anxiety. ;)
3. Think about James Denton or some other hot guy. :icon_dribble:
PS--> There ain't such a thing as too many smileys. :) :D ;D :P :angel: :laugh: :angel: :eusa_dance: :icon_biggrin: :icon_dance: :icon_geekdance: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_joy: :icon_wave: :icon_walk: :icon_woowoo: :icon_no1swatching-nerd:
@Diana, Haha I can just see their reaction now "well that's very interesting, you being trans, but why are you humming showtunes under your breath and is it just me or do you look horny right now too?" :laugh:
Well, their reaction was just, "Okay." That was the end of it.
That's what I'm hoping for
it was back in seventh grade
at a church camp when someone first brought up me being trans
we talked alot
became best friends
I started making many friends because they knew i was trans
i never really had a problem with telling my friends that i was trans
the only down side it I got in alot of fight is middle school because of it
with many days of suspension when the bullies got nothing
i even lost some teeth
but none of that mattered
I had true friends
it wasnt until i decided to tell my parents did i have trouble
I didnt tell them until my senior year in high school
and they brought me *ell >:-) because of it
they didnt want me to go this way
and did nothing to support me
not even get me a therapist for my depression
the thing I learned is friends are easy to tell
because they come and go
but family is hard to tell
because they dont come and go
they are always there
just hope they are on your side
but no matter what anyone says
if you fallow your heart
happiness will always fallow
may the world see us for our true beauty
Well, I first came out, sorta, when I was 16-17ish. My mother asked me on three separate occasions if I was gay. The first two times, I just denied denied denied. By the third time I was getting frustrated and admitted I was bisexual, a half truth that protected my big secret. To this day, I don't know what tipped her off.
I told a few other people that I was bi, but mostly kept to the closet out of fear that my father would find out. By the beginning of 2012, my gender dysphoria was driving me insane. My coping mechanisms began to fail, and I could barely focus on anything else. By the spring I started therapy. This was actually my second attempt to seek professional help, as I had an appointment with a psychiatrist two years earlier but was told to see a psychologist. In Ontario, psychiatrists are covered but psychologists are not, so I just let it lie until I couldn't anymore.
I don't believe in coming out to a group of people. There's too much of a risk of being ganged up on. So I started with my mother by first telling her I was in therapy and arranging time to privately talk. This allowed her to "prepare", so to speak. Unable to hold onto the secret, she outed me to my father a week later. I was mad at the time, but I'm not sure I would have been able to tell him myself.
My cousin/best friend was told while we were getting stoned. My grandmother (who lives with us) was told via email because it was hard to find a time we were alone. As for everyone else I know, I'm making a "coming out" website that I'll share before I go full time.
Quote from: EmmaMcAllister on January 05, 2013, 05:36:29 PM
I don't believe in coming out to a group of people.
Ordinarily, and with any other group than the one I came out to, I'd agree. This group was and is very special, and very, very affirming. It's also a group with fairly large gay and lesbian component, and mostly very liberal, human rights concerns at its core. It also now has an increasingly visible trans membership, even more than what they saw this week, as I'm finding out, as people come out to me in private.
It was nearly certain that I wouldn't be ganged up on here, though there was concern about my presenting as I did in a more general space, and some unspecified concerns about the challenges I know lie ahead in terms of wider acceptance, especially if I remain highly visible as trans, rather than being more and more able to do something like stealth.
And with family and intimate partners it can also get more complicated, as these are people whose lives are going to be affected by your decisions, and they have some right to be concerned about the practical impacts, though at some point they will just need to find their own peace and bliss with your journey, or risk losing you and you them.
It's important, though, to think through one's coming out, which it's clear you're doing in a very responsible and clear headed way, based on what you know about family and friends. I might want to borrow that website idea, considering that I have over 100 first cousins, many of whom I'm not likely to see in person, and I don't think I'd want to just show up at a family Christmas party or some other big event without taking my mom's feelings into consideration, and planning out some way to make it less awkward.
Then again, where my son is concerned, I'm not sure I'm going to get much of a vote on how he does it. He's fairly impatient to just get this over with as fast as he can, and move on to better, more interesting things... he went through a lot of depression and anxiety already, that sounds a lot like what you've shared in terms of needing therapy and coping strategies, and an active plan to get past being stuck in the wrong gender.
When I came out at work it was to the group and I did prepare, speech written and everything. My only complaint was everyone came up to me right afterward to congratulate me so fast I couldn't keep up with my thank yous!
That was also when I began to emphasize how my transition is a positive thing. I wore it too much like a burden before.
Now we'll see how my tune changes next week. Coming out to the M.O.M. is penciled in for Monday. She has a history of not taking this well.
Quote from: Misato33 on January 05, 2013, 08:10:28 PMNow we'll see how my tune changes next week. Coming out to the M.O.M. is penciled in for Monday. She has a history of not taking this well.
I'm pretty ambivalent about bringing other people into a one-to-one conversation, but in the case of a mom who might be making this about her own issues, would it be possibly useful to bring in a third party? Either some sort of counselor/relationship therapist, or just someone you both respect, who doesn't share your joint baggage?
Just a thought from someone who obviously doesn't know your mom or what her issues are likely to be (or have been).
Quote from: EmmaMcAllister on January 05, 2013, 05:36:29 PM
I don't believe in coming out to a group of people. There's too much of a risk of being ganged up on.
I've come out to two at once a few times. The one that scared me the most was the time I told one of my friends sort of in passing what was going on via text so then he took it upon himself to tell another one of my really close friends, and then they were like, "let's have dinner and talk about this." I was like, ohhhhh crap, this is an intervention situation eeeep eep eep! and I braced for a nightmare of a night, two against one, all of that stuff. I was freaking out!
So they came over to my place like a week later and omg first time they saw me as a woman, the look on their faces was absolutely priceless lol. I hope I never forget it. It was like poof! instant understanding. It turned out to be one of the coolest nights of my life. There were definitely a lot of tears, especially when they decided to have like a moment to say goodbye to the person they had always thought I was. But hard as that was, it was really touching too.
These were both guys I had been really depressed about because I had written them off as not being able to handle this news and I was going to just let them fade out of my life and was never going to tell them. It goes to show you never can tell how people will react.
I've come out to my gf and to my grandmother. To my gf I wrote two letters and I think that it didn't go too well, as I couldn't really explain myself too clearly.
With my grandmother I just told her how I feel and felt for as long as I can remember. She was really accepting and telling me, that I have to be the person that I feel I am, as hiding myself wont cause anything other than problems. I'm also really glad that I discussed with her, as she could confirm my childhood memories, which I have thought not to be true, due to being so young.
I'm still planning to tell my aunt face to face. My father unfortunately I really cannot tell face to face, but I will send a letter sometime before I go full time. I know my father wont accept or understand this at all and our relationship will be completely over. I also don't have the strength to argue with him or in worst case, fear for my safety, thus I will send a letter when the time is right.
I've never consciously come out like most other posters on this thread but FWIW you may find it's not really news to anyone who knows you.
When I was 6 I told my mum I wanted to be a girl. She told me she knew but please don't go on about it. So I kept as quiet about it as I could partly because I assumed my parents knew and sooner or later this mistake would be corrected but mostly because from then on my relationship with my father (a doctor and bit of an amateur psychologist) went downhill fast.
Fast forward a few decades and I have an epiphany that the only thing that fits with how bad I feel appears to be that I am transgender. I have a mini-breakdown and then write to my parents, not to say that I am transgender (because I am still waiting to find out if that is it or if something else might be happening), but to say that I am going to see a psychiatrist because I feel like I am losing touch with reality. I didn't tell them it was the psychiatrist at the gender clinic and I didn't tell them that most of these problems are gender related.
Anyway soon after getting the e-mail my father starts to say I'll have to be careful of osteoporosis and I have no idea what his is on about because I haven't even considered hormone treatment. Slowly I think back on my past and suddenly lots of things fit into place. I realise they KNOW I am transgender but I also realise they have spent my entire life steering me away from that realisation. OK, they have knowingly let me live in confusion & misery for years because, I imagine, for them it is easier than what they think is the alternative and now we are in some kind of cold war until the outcome of the gender clinic appointment and I trusted these people and I feel like such an idiot.
BUT, yes, the positive point - you may find this dark secret you think you're hiding is already perfectly obvious to everyone who really matters and they have just been waiting/ needing you to tell them.
Quote from: Elspeth on January 06, 2013, 09:25:58 AM
I'm pretty ambivalent about bringing other people into a one-to-one conversation, but in the case of a mom who might be making this about her own issues, would it be possibly useful to bring in a third party? Either some sort of counselor/relationship therapist, or just someone you both respect, who doesn't share your joint baggage?
My money is on there's no diffusing this one. I tried coming out 10+ years ago and that did not go well. She went through the motions of being accepting back then but her actual effort was all applied toward dissuading me. In the intervening years, she's found this love of simplicity to the point I've come to loathe the word "simple", and her religion (evangelical Christian) has really taken over her life.
For other coming outs, sure, a third party could be a big help. But this one of mine-- she did come to a therapy session back in the day where she spent most of the time saying gems like, "[my male name] can't be a woman! He can't have a period or give birth to babies!" I wouldn't put it past her to use the chromosome argument.
She believes whole heartedly in the whole, "Love the sinner, hate the sin" claptrap. In the case of being trans or gay, where these things are an innate part of your identity, I do not believe you can pick and chose where to apply your love or your hate. There will be bleed over.
I sense a trip to the Gym! Followed by some pasta in my very near future.
Misato33
I have looked into about
MTF giving birth and periods
with modern medical procedures
MTF can give birth and have periods
when they get a uterus made with their own stem cells
so it wont get rejected by the body
but that is much more expensive than just the regular SRS
so the argument about we cant be a real lady because we cant give birth or have periods
is coming to an end
Quote from: Anna on January 06, 2013, 02:34:33 PM
I've never consciously come out like most other posters on this thread but FWIW you may find it's not really news to anyone who knows you.
When I was 6 I told my mum I wanted to be a girl. She told me she knew but please don't go on about it. So I kept as quiet about it as I could partly because I assumed my parents knew and sooner or later this mistake would be corrected but mostly because from then on my relationship with my father (a doctor and bit of an amateur psychologist) went downhill fast.
Fast forward a few decades and I have an epiphany that the only thing that fits with how bad I feel appears to be that I am transgender. I have a mini-breakdown and then write to my parents, not to say that I am transgender (because I am still waiting to find out if that is it or if something else might be happening), but to say that I am going to see a psychiatrist because I feel like I am losing touch with reality. I didn't tell them it was the psychiatrist at the gender clinic and I didn't tell them that most of these problems are gender related.
Anyway soon after getting the e-mail my father starts to say I'll have to be careful of osteoporosis and I have no idea what his is on about because I haven't even considered hormone treatment. Slowly I think back on my past and suddenly lots of things fit into place. I realise they KNOW I am transgender but I also realise they have spent my entire life steering me away from that realisation. OK, they have knowingly let me live in confusion & misery for years because, I imagine, for them it is easier than what they think is the alternative and now we are in some kind of cold war until the outcome of the gender clinic appointment and I trusted these people and I feel like such an idiot.
BUT, yes, the positive point - you may find this dark secret you think you're hiding is already perfectly obvious to everyone who really matters and they have just been waiting/ needing you to tell them.
That's rough :( I hope your parents come around to the change you are going to go through, at the very least they owe you one massive apology. As for the positive point, I kind of had this experience already when I came out about my sexuality, I say kind of, because the reactions ranged between "really? no way" to "well duh! of course you're gay". So I honestly have no idea what kind of vibe I'm giving off :-\ well I hope you're right anyway, would certainly make it easier if it wasn't new information to them.
Quote from: hazel on January 05, 2013, 02:39:19 PM
@Zumbagirl, thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you had to work every step of the way to make your real self a reality, I can see I've got quite a lot to learn ahead of me! I can't believe they fired you tho! I'm afraid my ignorance on the law in those cases is also quite glaring (well, I've seen Philadelphia ^^ not that that's exactly the same situation), was there any legal recourse you could have taken and did you? It sound's like it was definitely all worth it in the end tho, you sound very happy with your life now :)
I don't want to derail your thread, but here's my response:
To understand my situation you have to put it in historical context. In 2000, there were no protections at all for people who transition. Heck I was even working for a company that had a perfect 100 HRC score and that didn't matter. I guess coming out as a gay or lesbian back then may have been heroic, but coming out as trans was still weirding people out. That's why today I really don't care about HRC's grades and scores. They mean nothing, In those days there were a few public cases about people who transition and I even talked to someone who sued and won a case of discrimination. But I didn't pursue going after them for the following reasons:
1). It's public and I would be outing myself to the world in a very public way and I didn't want that. I didn't want to see my name dragged in the mud like I was some kind law suit opportunist. Years later it's still possible to do a search on google over lawsuits and my name would come up or case. The people who fight will have their old name splattered on websites that will hang on to those stories for years and years, maybe forever.
2). I still wanted to work and didn't want to be blacklisted or worse not be able to find a job. It's too easy for back ground check companies to do google searches, criminal/civil checks, etc.
The people I know who sued didn't get that much money. It seemed like a lot when the check came around, but for the lifetime of lost income it was a drop in the bucket for me. So I let it be. I think it turned out better in the end. The people who canned me, were later on themselves canned, so there is justice, even if it's a day late.
Quote from: zelda on January 06, 2013, 07:21:14 PM
Misato33
I have looked into about
MTF giving birth and periods
with modern medical procedures
Not that it will help me personally (I don't want to give birth at my age, it wouldn't be fair to the child). But it will be interesting to see how this develops. We don't tend to discuss the desire to bear children much, since it hasn't been a real option in the past and I suspect is something that causes those of us who wanted that a lot of pain, most of it unmanageable and not easily resolved by simply talking about it.
I'd like to see links on what's happening here, as I haven't seen much on this yet that's more than speculative or a distant possibility. But I would like to see more discussion of it, when others are ready to get into that, and it's not just a source of unwanted emotional turmoil.
Quote from: Misato33 on January 06, 2013, 04:06:57 PM
My money is on there's no diffusing this one. I tried coming out 10+ years ago and that did not go well. She went through the motions of being accepting back then but her actual effort was all applied toward dissuading me. In the intervening years, she's found this love of simplicity to the point I've come to loathe the word "simple", and her religion (evangelical Christian) has really taken over her life.
It's funny how rigid religious thinking can get in the way of genuine compassion. There's something deeply wrong with many forms of contemporary (so-called) Christianity -- not a lot of Christ there, or the Virgin Mary.
Probably not a good strategy to go into that whole virgin birth thing with her, even though in some ways it might actually be a jumping off point in discussing this with some Christians.
I have to wonder whether she isn't in some kind of deep denial or feeling that she is somehow the cause of your condition, and that struggling against it in this way is how she copes with that? Impossible to say, of course, when I've never met her, and can't get a bead on what is driving her willingness to create a wedge between herself and her child.
One of the other recent posts in this thread reminded me, though, that these things seem to go better when everyone focuses more on feelings than on explanations or negotiations. (Granted, in this culture that often works better with women than with men, especially men my age or older).
There was a time when I would have invested a lot of energy into trying to give people an education in the state of medical research and such, but I spent a huge amount of time researching that stuff myself, and it didn't really give me much peace... it is what it is, and the best outcome seems to come once those I care about can see that I'm just much happier being out with them and that what I was before was mostly a shell of a human being, in hiding and largely hidden by that artifice I'd created to "protect" myself from harm but also from any real connections. There's rarely much point in trying to explain or justify my existence, unless it's with someone who is actually curious about and open to rethinking that part of the story.
Quote from: Elspeth on January 06, 2013, 08:26:43 PM
I have to wonder whether she isn't in some kind of deep denial or feeling that she is somehow the cause of your condition, and that struggling against it in this way is how she copes with that? Impossible to say, of course, when I've never met her, and can't get a bead on what is driving her willingness to create a wedge between herself and her child.
One of the other recent posts in this thread reminded me, though, that these things seem to go better when everyone focuses more on feelings than on explanations or negotiations. (Granted, in this culture that often works better with women than with men, especially men my age or older).
The therapist we went to said something could have happened in the womb that could have caused this. That put my mom on the defensive right quick. I'll add to that, do I think that she might be in the closet herself on some level about something? I think there is a non-zero chance. There's the whole "what will the neighbors/congregation think?" angle too. She wanted to bail on my dad so she could be with them the day after he had hernia surgery. She seems to seek praise.
I'm so on board with the feelings approach. I'm not broken after all. I'm also thankful I had this path in front of me. The letter I just finished emphasizes that. With some explanation why she's finding out so late.
But it's time. I go full time on Friday and it'd be worse I think to tell her after that.
Quote from: Misato33 on January 06, 2013, 10:11:18 PM
The therapist we went to said something could have happened in the womb that could have caused this.
Mine was even more definite and came right out and said
"This is a congenital defect that occurred when you were still in the womb. This is not your fault or anyone else's fault, this is simply the hand that Mother Nature has dealt you".
Quote from: Misato33 on January 06, 2013, 10:11:18 PM
But it's time. I go full time on Friday and it'd be worse I think to tell her after that.
Indeed.
Sorry this post turned out a lot longer than I initially planned, skip to the bottom line part if you just want my main point ;)
I would venture to say the first person you come out to is definitely the hardest (yourself). Then the first other person you tell is probably going to be still very hard because it's such new ground talking about it with anyone but yourself. But after that (and you start to get some supporters + positive experiences from telling people - - which WILL happen) it will become much much easier as others have said. You will find a rhythm with it.
I still haven't come out to ALL of my extended friends yet, but I've told about 30 or so of the close ones individually (it's a big group!), as well as my mom and step dad. It's really easy for me now, I don't even get nervous or pre-defensive describing my decisions about transition anymore. I just know that I want to tell everyone eventually and I look for opportunities to pull friends aside to have a nice chat with them and tell them something about myself that they didn't know. It's your chance to re-write history in a way :D
I have come to realize how blessed I am to have such an extremely accepting and forward thinking group of friends (and parents too!). I know that some aren't always fortunate enough to have that :( Maybe I was just lucky in that department, but it seems like we all might assume the worst at first (I know I did) and it makes for some very nervous awkward initial conversations which could lead to potential downfalls. Try not to let nervousness or anxiety get to you, it will pass as you gain experience hand crafting your story for each specific scenario. Expect to be uncomfortable at first, but most importantly always try to show happiness about who you are... you are so very strong and beautiful for having the courage to even come out to yourself alone.
BOTTOM LINE
Exuding happiness and positivity about your future during the conversation is a major catalyst for acceptance. If you can see it from the side that being trans is not a curse and rather that you can finally be your true self, they will most likely be happy for you, too- if not totally stoked that you would share such a deep rooted thing with them. There are definite red flags to watch out for such as religion and/or homophobic tendencies, but I think on the whole people generally just want you to be happy.
Well OP, here's a happy update for you. :)
I sent my e-mail off before work this morning and didn't check my e-mail again until I got to my therapy appointment where I read for the first time,
"Hi Paige,"
Written by my mother! I told her in the e-mail she had until Thanksgiving 2013 to adjust, yet, there it was.
So, how do you do it? You suck up the courage, prepare for the worst, then sit amazed as things go better than you dared ever to dream.
Quote from: Misato33 on January 07, 2013, 05:42:04 PM
Well OP, here's a happy update for you. :)
I sent my e-mail off before work this morning and didn't check my e-mail again until I got to my therapy appointment where I read for the first time,
"Hi Paige,"
Written by my mother! I told her in the e-mail she had until Thanksgiving 2013 to adjust, yet, there it was.
So, how do you do it? You suck up the courage, prepare for the worst, then sit amazed as things go better than you dared ever to dream.
Ah gongratz! :) sounds like she's coming around
Quote from: Jennygirl on January 07, 2013, 02:34:44 AM
Sorry this post turned out a lot longer than I initially planned, skip to the bottom line part if you just want my main point ;)
I would venture to say the first person you come out to is definitely the hardest (yourself). Then the first other person you tell is probably going to be still very hard because it's such new ground talking about it with anyone but yourself. But after that (and you start to get some supporters + positive experiences from telling people - - which WILL happen) it will become much much easier as others have said. You will find a rhythm with it.
I still haven't come out to ALL of my extended friends yet, but I've told about 30 or so of the close ones individually (it's a big group!), as well as my mom and step dad. It's really easy for me now, I don't even get nervous or pre-defensive describing my decisions about transition anymore. I just know that I want to tell everyone eventually and I look for opportunities to pull friends aside to have a nice chat with them and tell them something about myself that they didn't know. It's your chance to re-write history in a way :D
I have come to realize how blessed I am to have such an extremely accepting and forward thinking group of friends (and parents too!). I know that some aren't always fortunate enough to have that :( Maybe I was just lucky in that department, but it seems like we all might assume the worst at first (I know I did) and it makes for some very nervous awkward initial conversations which could lead to potential downfalls. Try not to let nervousness or anxiety get to you, it will pass as you gain experience hand crafting your story for each specific scenario. Expect to be uncomfortable at first, but most importantly always try to show happiness about who you are... you are so very strong and beautiful for having the courage to even come out to yourself alone.
BOTTOM LINE
Exuding happiness and positivity about your future during the conversation is a major catalyst for acceptance. If you can see it from the side that being trans is not a curse and rather that you can finally be your true self, they will most likely be happy for you, too- if not totally stoked that you would share such a deep rooted thing with them. There are definite red flags to watch out for such as religion and/or homophobic tendencies, but I think on the whole people generally just want you to be happy.
No worries about the length of your post believe me, I've been thinking about this all so much recently that anything I can read up about it I have :) fortunately I also have forward thinking friends and its with them I'm definitely going to come out about this to first. Really I'm just stalling at this point, but the longer I spend on here and the more successful story's like your own I read the more it starts to seem possible, so thank you :)
Quote from: Zumbagirl on January 06, 2013, 07:57:35 PM
I don't want to derail your thread, but here's my response:
To understand my situation you have to put it in historical context. In 2000, there were no protections at all for people who transition. Heck I was even working for a company that had a perfect 100 HRC score and that didn't matter. I guess coming out as a gay or lesbian back then may have been heroic, but coming out as trans was still weirding people out. That's why today I really don't care about HRC's grades and scores. They mean nothing, In those days there were a few public cases about people who transition and I even talked to someone who sued and won a case of discrimination. But I didn't pursue going after them for the following reasons:
1). It's public and I would be outing myself to the world in a very public way and I didn't want that. I didn't want to see my name dragged in the mud like I was some kind law suit opportunist. Years later it's still possible to do a search on google over lawsuits and my name would come up or case. The people who fight will have their old name splattered on websites that will hang on to those stories for years and years, maybe forever.
2). I still wanted to work and didn't want to be blacklisted or worse not be able to find a job. It's too easy for back ground check companies to do google searches, criminal/civil checks, etc.
The people I know who sued didn't get that much money. It seemed like a lot when the check came around, but for the lifetime of lost income it was a drop in the bucket for me. So I let it be. I think it turned out better in the end. The people who canned me, were later on themselves canned, so there is justice, even if it's a day late.
I see, that makes sense, I guess I wasn't thinking about the additional consequences for you if you had tried to get even in some way, glad it worked out best for you in the end.
Told a close female friend of mine last night, could not possibly have been more supportive and great about it ;D
Oooohhhhh! I'm so happy for you!
Quote from: hazel on January 13, 2013, 06:17:08 PM
Told a close female friend of mine last night, could not possibly have been more supportive and great about it ;D
Good for you! Yes!!! Super duper glad to hear #1 went so well! :D
Thanks Misato and Jenny ^^