Hi,
I was curious to hear some of your stories of going out the first time as a female in public. I know I'm pretty terrified to even leave my apartment but I am way part overdue in my mind. I wanted to see what were some of your strategies for going out for the first few times that you did it. How do you even get past that fear along with all of those negative thoughts? My friend Sasha has been trying to help push me and saying we should go to mall and she says I already pass and so no one would even know but I am not so sure honestly.Any advice you guys could give about getting myself to do it. If you think I pass easily don't be afraid to tell me either because I could use the confidence booster if it is true, but what I don't want is people to lie to me about it to make me go out like I think she is. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read this and give any advice or suggestions. It really is appreciated so much!!!!!
<3 Emma
There are probably a lot of ways to approach this... Mine was to simply take hrt till I didn't pass as male anyway. That way, the clothes don't matter, nothing to make you feel nervous. It's just who you are.
Hi Zaliel,
The first time? I was a total nervous wreck ;D
Ok I'm now FT and I do not own any male clothes. I transitioned to FT at work, I was known as a male now I'm a female. So I have no choices. I have burnt every bridge. There is no going back.
Not that I want too.
But I was shopping today and got my eyebrows done, my hair was a mess I was feeling grumpy. No one looked twice at me. At the place that did my eyebrows the girl talked to me as another girl. BTW I have a rather male voice for a girl.
BUT.
I know the secret!!
I don't care.
I'm a woman, I'm proud, I'm confident. I'm a woman.
Check out the other woman in the street, are any of them walking around thinking they are a guy? Or don't they care, they are just normal woman.
I don't give a damn what people think of me and that is the secret. I accept me as a woman, I am one, I don't care what anyone thinks.
AND because of that, everyone accepts me as a woman.
I was in fact thinking about what it felt like being dressed as a guy in the same shopping area. I couldn't relate to it at all. I was struggling to think how it felt.
So pluck up the courage and do it. And be proud of yourself.
That is the only way.
Hugs
Cindy
I have always wear androgynous or unisex clothing, then I slowly started to shift to more and more feminine clothing (eg. blouses and slacks, perfume, nail polish, make up) and mannerism, so people who interact or see me frequently got used to it. So by the time I went full time it was smooth sailing so to speak
Quote from: Cindy James on January 13, 2013, 05:18:07 AM
I have a rather male voice for a girl.
BUT.
I know the secret!!
I don't care.
I'm a woman, I'm proud, I'm confident. I'm a woman.
Check out the other woman in the street, are any of them walking around thinking they are a guy? Or don't they care, they are just normal woman.
I don't give a damn what people think of me and that is the secret. I accept me as a woman, I am one, I don't care what anyone thinks.
AND because of that, everyone accepts me as a woman.
I was in fact thinking about what it felt like being dressed as a guy in the same shopping area. I couldn't relate to it at all. I was struggling to think how it felt.
So pluck up the courage and do it. And be proud of yourself.
That is the only way.
Hugs
Cindy
This ^^ is not only the best advice anybody can get but also the truth....It is all in your head so to speak....I call Cindy's approach (which BTW it is also my approach 8))...
the release your inner woman approach
Or do what I did and start with the safe and simple approach. Start small till you feel comfortable and work yours way to a mall visit. Goto the drug store or supermarket and buy something or try going out to eat with a friend.
Quote from: zaliel on January 13, 2013, 04:38:59 AM
How do you even get past that fear along with all of those negative thoughts?
I remind myself being transgender is something to be proud of. Trans people face difficult challenges and surmount them. We did not ask to be born this way but we confront our issues and get past them.
If I get strange looks, I remind myself that I'm showing the world what transgender looks like. It looks like proud, intelligent, and human.
If it helps, you can pray for courage. When I do that, I nearly always get it (and I'm not even a believer in god. I pray to my own inner strength. It works just as well).
Good luck Zaliel. There is literally NOTHING like having people see you as your true gender.
I did start by going out to clubs when it was dark and then progressed from there.
But I am still mostly going out looking a bit andro... The odd guy with makeup look... I plan to ditch that and go fulltime in about a year if hrt has helped me a little more.
My first time out, in a non "safe" environment, I drove 300 miles away from where I lived and went to a mall. I remember passing this short cop who made me feel like attack of the 110 ft woman, but I still managed to buy something to drink at the grocery part of the store. The cashier was sweet to me which I've since found to be the usual reaction from other people. I also remember seeing a group of boys laughing, I wasn't sure if it was at me or not, but I pressed on.
I did nearly chicken out and go home after that but, after a call to my SO who told her co-workers I made the drive to see a movie, I went and saw that movie.
Not starting out alone I think would be nice. If only to have someone to talk to and help you to find your flow.
On passing I'm just going to say do try to let go to that concern, as Cindy was driving at. The rub is you'll probably have to go out a few times in order to do so, and you are apt to hit some bumps along the way, but it'll be okay over the long haul.
My guess would be your friend is trying to help you be happy. Trust her and let her try. :) Then come back here and share!
The absolute first time I was scared to death and almost peed myself. My therapist, at the time, made me go with her to a local drug store. I wanted to die.
In fact it was bad enough that I detransitioned. The next time, I went to Walmart with a friend. That time it went well.
I am now FT and go no where as male. In fact I done even own any male clothes.
I wish I could get rid of my male clothes....still need them for work though ::)
The first time for me was in the mid 1980's and I went alone to a mall and went shopping in a different county. It was scary as heck, but I was proud of myself for actually getting over my fears enough to do that. Later, I did talk my wife at the time into going out a few times with me and after that, really didn't go out in public for a few years. Can't remember if anyone laughed at me though.
Zaliel, I think going to the mall with your friend will be a great way of testing the waters and seeing how well you pass around those who don't know you. I used to dress male years ago, then went back to dressing female, and today (to the grocery store, Target, and Lowe's) I went out as male again for the first time again. You'll feel good, even if some people give you the "is that a girl or a boy?" confused look. :D
I think your friend will give you the emotional support you'll need, and will help you feel safer. And, unless the mall is in a small town/city that you live in, most likely you'll never see anyone there ever again.
I just stepped outside my apartment...walked to the mailbox (about 100 yards away)...turned around, went back in.
A few days later, walked 6 blocks, intending on buying some chocolate...didn't, turned around at the store, walked back.
Then one day I was all dress up, remembered something I had to get at the store (milk, cheese, something simple), got in the car and didn't realize I was en femme until I was in the checkout...oh well, nothing to do now but smile and remember posture...stand straight and tall, smile, be happy.
Now I can't go out en masculino...too self-conscious.
My first time was to a beach in big sur, walk on the beach and a picnic, I was scared out of my mind but first walked out the door and got in the car and then calmed down until we got there.
Second time was last week to my therapist's office.
In both cases I had some close by interaction with others but no talking, both involved about 30 minutes of driving.
Second time was much better and I was more comfortable even with my miscues and mistakes.
The first time I stepped out of the door, i was 14 and so scared I was shaking. I thought some one might see me or call the police, who knows. I was so scared in fact I only had enough courage to sneak out of the house under complete darkness and rarely ventured farther than the yard. In my mind though there was always this need to go more. Call it whatever you wish, but I wanted the world to see me as I was, not what some ID papers said. The only thing I had to wear were my mothers clothes since I didn't own anything for myself. By about 16 I was getting getting brave enough to find something for myself like one of those bra/panty sets. I paced around for a 1/2 hour in a store looking from 5-10 feet away but never gutsy enough to pick something off the rack. In a sudden moment I picked something off the rack not even knowing if it would fit. The big challenge was once I had something I wanted to wear it, especially to high school. I don't know why I wanted to wear it, or what purpose it served, I just did and I didn't know why. I had no idea of why I was the way I was. My mom called it perverted so I figured it was something bad. I was lucky that I had a really good hiding spot at my house and was able to keep my mom from findng anything. She did a few times and I got all kinds of threats and usually anything I bought was tossed right into the garbage. Eventually I found the one spot where I could hide stuff without getting caught. By the age of 18, I had a whole other wardrobe that no one ever saw but nowhere to wear it except the backyard at midnight.
I want to say I was about 18 or maybe 19 by the time I was able to get out of the house all done up, in a dress, nylons, borrowed makeup and all. At first I just got into the car and drove around, I didn't know where to go or what was safe. I felt if I got out of the car, someone would kill me. But it didn't happen. Most people aren't paying attention. They aren't looking, they see 1+1 and I know it adds up to 3, but they see 2. That's when I started to become more comfortable being out. It was just little things, pumping gas, buying a pack of gum or can of soda, a few times some clothes but hey I was out and I survived each outing. I have no idea of what people thought or if they knew, but somehow I just didn't care. Being out outweighed the fear by 1000:1. I found my favorite shopping ground was Marshalls. No one ever said anything so I started to feel okay shopping there.
I joined a cross dressing club, the tiffany club, and that's when I discovered very quickly that I didn't quite fit in. These were heterosexual guys, usually scared out of thier wits to be outside in a skirt, sitting around talking about sports and cars and smoking cigars. I wasn't meant for that world, but it made things even that much more complicated because what the hell was I? They hid in the club and I wanted to be out and about. I found a few people who also wanted be out, 1 very soon transitioned and that was basically my introduction to transsexualism. That scared the crap out of me so much, I didn't know what to do. Hartford CT has a TS support group called the twenty club (XX club). I have no idea if it's even around anymore. I paced for hours every time they had a session but I was too chicken to go to one. So I gave up temporarily.
Then I went through a few rounds of purges (throw everything out, feel guilty about it 5 minutes later, and then I was out shopping the next day). When I had my first apartment is when I started to feel more comfortable. By then I had a wig, I used to come home from work, get all dolled up and then sit around and watch TV. I didn't have to purge anymore. I wanted to be a girl more and more. Sitting around the house wasn't good enough for me. I wanted to be out. I don't know why I just did. Thankfully I did pick up a few pointers from the CDers club about speaking very quietly and some basic rules for being out, so out I went. That's when my gender started taking over my life and I knew what I had to do.
I thought I'd try it just once, to see how cross dressing felt (I had never cross dressed). I bought a pair of woman's jeans, and used an andrgynous turtleneck I wear as a male. I figured going to my support group would be safe. Of course it was. They were very kind.
But I hadn't thought it through. On the way home, I realized that having shown up en femme, I could no longer come back in men's clothes. That meant I only had two weeks to get another outfit!
I went to a gay bar the first time with a few girls from my support group. I was terrified there in a place that was so dark, you couldn't hardly see anybody. I can't even imagine a mall that's fill with teenagers. Yikes!
I went to my local support group in full regalia (or as close as I can get at present - tight men's pants, bra (Three cheers for pre-hormone development), and a very small dark purple shirt). Felt very self-conscious on account of still having stubble everywhere, and my normal pessimism. But it wasn't as bad with friendly people.
So I'd suggest, find people who know, go somewhere with them first. Semipublic, if you will.
Wow I was terrified!!! I first started by just going around driving my car. Then I moved into seeing my therapist at night in girl mode... Then met Jenny from on here she gave me strength to go into stores (went into walmart. Great atmosphere see all sorts of people in there)...Started going into malls by myself shortly after on my days off from work just to warm myself up in a very large area that I knew would be "safe" and I knew someone wouldn't physically hurt me (just walked around)... Then the rest was history. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore what anyone thinks and won't let one person scare me into not being me. ---------
One thing you have to keep in your mind is no one really cares about you. They are doing their shopping, buying what they need, shopping with their friends. They could really care less about us. You "may" get the casual stare or someone "may" say something but remember you are "just" starting. Things will get better with time. You will be fine. So jump in the water it feels great. Much love! :)
Quote from: Zumbagirl on January 13, 2013, 04:52:55 PM
I joined a cross dressing club, the tiffany club, and that's when I discovered very quickly that I didn't quite fit in. These were heterosexual guys, usually scared out of thier wits to be outside in a skirt, sitting around talking about sports and cars and smoking cigars. I wasn't meant for that world, but it made things even that much more complicated because what the hell was I? They hid in the club and I wanted to be out and about. I found a few people who also wanted be out, 1 very soon transitioned and that was basically my introduction to transsexualism. That scared the crap out of me so much, I didn't know what to do. Hartford CT has a TS support group called the twenty club (XX club). I have no idea if it's even around anymore. I paced for hours every time they had a session but I was too chicken to go to one. So I gave up temporarily.
This reminds me of why I avoided the support groups for a long time. Partly, my impression of them came from talking to someone my age who was active in them, but had realized she was on her way to transition. I met her and her spouse, together with my spouse (now ex), and met some others on their way to transition at their home.
Like others here, rather than start off in obvious femme regalia, I have gradually gone more and more androgynous. I still have some guy clothes but I don't recall the last time I wore them. Went to a drag bar once, dressed all the way, but I don't drink much, and it was a bit of a let-down (also, I felt too old there). Especially after coming out full on at a retreat where most of my longest-time friends were present, it's getting harder and harder to go out without just going all the way, but I'm still a little bit hyper-vigilant and irrationally fearful of judgments. Last time I was out of my apartment, was to take my daughter (and myself) for a flu shot. I supposed I was full femme, though I avoided breastforms, and had been rushing around a lot that day so my makeup was a mess. Hard for anyone to miss that the rest of my clothes were nothing a guy would wear but this is kind of a mess for me now, as voice and features still elicit male pronouns.
This post is almost incoherent, but I'm posting it anyway.
walked down one of the main streets in capital city, I was so nervous, had to do it tho to show my gender therapist I could get HRT faster, and just didn't care what anyone thought of me. I dress androgynous now , till effects are stronger. I don't know something that day made me feel good about myself even tho I had youngsters laugh. Then I just think, as my delusional self, U guys will be wanting this soon enough so laugh all you want. I honestly stopped caring about crap when I had someone I loved passed away, life is to short to care what others think of you negative wise. Unfortunately there are some ignorant idiots in this world, and I kinda new deep down I was safe near a police station with a billion people around, maybe my care factor would of increased at night near an alleyway heh. I dream of being full time in the future, and just loving myself even more then I already do, it's so weird tho because I already feel full time personality /mannerisms wise, its just my body that's catching up.
I was as scared as it is possible for a human to be. My approach was different from most. I started hanging around at local
gay bars. While there i got to be friends with a few of the queens. Drag Queens alothough the bitchiest whieneist people on
the planet know more about make up and fashion then any two CIS women i have ever met. So about a month later when
they had an open stage night i asked one of the queens to "Paint me" and help me get dressed for my first number
These are close to same day
before
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1129.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fm515%2FMandy_Dawn1%2F004.jpg&hash=4037d2feca8dc91478038ef4d59004c7f42ceb6b)
After
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1129.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fm515%2FMandy_Dawn1%2Fphoto.jpg&hash=c6a0cb1bb08a60dec9804d59e8d05d1d0377d650)
i had the time of my life and learned alot of great tricks. Makeup for me is second nature nowthough at times i really need to
tone it down for just going to work. Gay bars are safe and accepting though i can warn you from personal experience
do not go into detail about your transistion though you think gay men will be accepting THEY ARE NOT. Do not lie i would
never lie to anyone but dont volunteer any information. BTW that pic is with 6 pairs of hose,3 girdles(1 backwards),Corsette,
spanks,and two wigs...Beauty is PAINFUL
Quote from: mandyh92 on January 18, 2013, 08:35:06 AM
tone it down for just going to work. Gay bars are safe and accepting though i can warn you from personal experience
do not go into detail about your transistion though you think gay men will be accepting THEY ARE NOT.
It may not be so much a question of accepting, as that you are more or less taking yourself off the shopping list when they find out you identify as a woman. Possibly worse in some ways was working with a gay male therapist, who seemed to make it his mission to convince me that I was just closeted, despite my reminders that others had been assuming I was gay all my life, and the utter impenetrability of our discussions whenever I would talk about what I wanted sexually, things that he would then remind me I might have to compromise on, especially with a gay partner. Not the best fit, especially when I was trying very hard not to offend him or have him feel that I was making any judgment about his orientation.
As for my one gay bar outing as me... I think I know what the problem was now. I went there dressed as the 40ish housewife I was at the time. The baby transgirls (and there were quite a few of them) were curious, but we just didn't have that much to talk about, and I wound up hanging around the lesbian corner most of the night, smiling, having a few conversations (actually, there was one girl I already knew who was there and we did talk for awhile about her various theatrical projects). I think mostly I just felt so old and relatively boring there.
I'm pre-everything, but I started to change my clothing gradually, thus I'm not quite sure what was the exact first time that I was out the first time as a female.
I think I remember best the one time when after a support group meeting we went to a dinner. That was the first time for me at a restaurant dressed fully, but in quite casual clothes I think. No make-up, as I don't want to add another layer to this body, as I don't personally think that make-up helps me pass more, just the opposite I think.
Of course I was a bit nervous, but then again I had people around me, all who were done with the process already or were closing that moment. It made me feel much more easy about myself and not to be so nervous. Although I kind of felt bad for them, that I'm perhaps drawing attention to our group, a group that otherwise would not get noticed. The only awkward moment came, when I had to use the bathroom and there was a moment, when I really had to think which bathroom to use...I kind of wished, that there would have been a third bathroom for someone like me, who appear to be living somewhere in the twilight of genders :(
After that I've been at bars few times. I know I get stared at and one time I got nasty comments from one drunken and most likely slightly crazy person. I do know that some stare at the street too, but I honestly don't care. I'm a woman, I'm a trans, I'm a human being and I really would like to sometime ask from those people who stare, that do you really think that I somehow enjoy drawing attention/stares to myself? Believe me, if there would be any other way, I would do that.
Wow I am amazed on how helpful you have all been and how much information you all gave me. I'm definitely terrified to go out in public in general but all the of the different things you all pointed out make a lot of sense to me. I think I'm going to just try to summon up the courage and go with my friend because like a lot of you have said, it's not like someone is going to beat me up if I'm obviously male dressed as a female in a public place like a mall, but I should be ready to expect some odd looks of course. I think the first time will be the hardest but then as I keep going out it will get a lot easier and maybe eventually I will get to the point like many of you where I won't even have any male clothes anymore because I don't need nor use them. That's what I ultimately wanting, to be able to be full time as a female since that's who I am. Thank you again for all the advice, it's like a second home on here <3.
Emma
Be fearless. It's the only way forward. :)
Quote from: Jen on January 22, 2013, 07:39:12 PM
Be fearless. It's the only way forward. :)
No such thing except in the minds of the insane.
Everyone feels fear.
There are those who let their fear control them, and those who control their fear.
The latter is courage.
I'm not far off staring down this same barrel, so am really starting to think how and where etc... I'm not sure the "where" matters... As for the "how", I like the comment from agfrommd:
Quote
If I get strange looks, I remind myself that I'm showing the world what transgender looks like. It looks like proud, intelligent, and human.
A very powerful thought that one. :)
Hello Zaliel,
When my parents found out I was trans they wouldn't let me dress as they didn't accept it. However I was able to dress in the privacy of my own room. I had already bought my own outfit and makeup. I practiced dressing and putting on make up for two weeks before I went out en femme the first time. I decided that I needed to dress outside of my room at least once to see what it was like. I went to my first trans therapist session in what I called "girl mode".
Since my hair was short I bought a cheap halloween wig because I dressed en femme near halloween. Except for the wig I looked passable, but I didn't feel like I was passable. After that first session I wished to stay in girl mode because of the euphoria of dressing as my true self. Since I was in the town where I used to go to self help meetings I felt I should stay in the town and go to the meeting en femme. I did. When I came in they didn't even recognize me. Everyone in the group was glad I came as my true self and they were okay with it. After having the first day out as a girl I felt like my true self. The first outing was the hardest. I went out one more time in girl mode under my parents noses before I finally moved out and dressed on a regular basis. From that point each time I dressed I gained more confidence in passing. I now pass without doubt unless I have to show my drivers license with my old name as I haven't legally changed it yet.
My advice would be to listen to your friend and just go out the mall. If you already look passable then you probably won't have much to worry about. Or you could start out small by getting gas or go to the post office for stamps en femme. The first 4-6 months I dressed I didn't think that I passed but I did, even with a wig. I haven't worn my 100% real hair wig since I transitioned at work in october. My hair is long enough now. Gaining confidence in my appearance has made all the difference. Good luck in going en femme.
Ida
I've always dressed weird, I just started shifting my style more femme. I actually have the hardest time if I don't want to stand out, then I get self conscious.
So long as I make it all about the outfit, I don't care if people think I'm male, female or if they don't have a clue.
I think ti depends if you pass or not, from your avatar I say you are very passable.
My first step was to talk to everyone I knew and boost my confidence. The more "you pass, don't worry" comments I got, the better I felt about it.
My mind races a lot with paranoid thoughts, has done so for most of my life, but since I started Oestrogen last Friday, I felt so much calmer and way more confident so that definitely helped.
Shortly after that I went out, went for a drive and then parked and went for a short stroll. I didn't want to walk around my neighborhood just yet.
Turns out they were right, I did pass and no one batted an eyelid. I did get some close inspections by few people who got close. But no weird expressions or double takes..
I think my hands and Adam's apple are my most obvious features, but cispeople base their judgment on what the want to see and its not unheard of for women to have Adam's apples and manly hands. If you look 80% like a female in every other way, their minds will fill in the 20% gap and just assume you are female.
Once I realised that and that most people are too self involved to notice, and that most have very little to no concept of transgender so they don't think about it daily. Then I started feeling much better about going out..
Now my voice, that's another story and still needs a lot of work before I talk to anyone..
the first time I ever went out dressed en femme was my first day Real Life Experience...and my first day in Seminary.
I wouldn't recommend it...but it's a sure fire way of jumping into it with both feet in
Just went outside first time for a cigarette all dressed up... 9 times out of 10 I don't see anyone... Obviously the time I'm outside presenting female, I *have* to run into people. Luckily it was kinda dark. I'm not sure they knew who I was, but would have appeared seemed female enough :)
Exhilarating!
Quote from: zaliel on January 22, 2013, 07:31:37 PM
I think I'm going to just try to summon up the courage and go with my friend because like a lot of you have said, it's not like someone is going to beat me up if I'm obviously male dressed as a female in a public place like a mall, but I should be ready to expect some odd looks of course.
Exactly. Letting alone safety, with your close friends, passing or not is not a serious issue.
Barbie~~
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 22, 2013, 09:51:03 PM
Quote from: Jen on January 22, 2013, 07:39:12 PM
Be fearless. It's the only way forward. :)
No such thing except in the minds of the insane.
Everyone feels fear.
There are those who let their fear control them, and those who control their fear.
The latter is courage.
eh same thing. Fearless just sounds more poetic. I'm proud to be fearless. Insane or not. :laugh: