Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Kia Ora,

To be or not to be.....

I've been reading some threads where some are seriously thinking about 'detransitioning'...So I thought well why not bring it to the fore...

There are one hundred and one reasons why someone would have doubts...For example family pressure, religious pressures, fear of becoming a social outcast, fears of the unknown etc, etc the list goes on and on...We all no doubt had/have some of these fears...

It took me a long time to fully come to terms with my condition-I came close in my early twenties, but fear of the 'unknown' and prescription tranquillisers [Valium] kept the genie in the bottle...Twenty years later [after two suicide attempts, hospitalisation + visits to the psyche ward] I finally bit the bullet, I really had 'no' choice...

However once I got started with HRT there was no going back...I fully transitioned in 2000/1 that is I started to live full-time [I had 'bonus' surgery later in 2005]...Not once have I thought about detranstioning...I'm under no pressure real [or imaginary] to detransition...No depression[prior to transition I did suffered from it], no anxieties, no problems with family, no religious issues, and no societal issues...There is nothing happening in my world that would lead me to contemplate such a thing...

So, for the post ops  pre/non ops[already on HRT] have you thought about it ? Are/have you given it some serious thought?

And those of you who are just starting out, what about you ? Is the apple of the 'unknown' awaiting/tempting you ?

Don't be shy now, just be honest...

Metta Zenda :)

has never crossed my mind.

That said I would make 1 ugly guy ;)

I functioned worse as a guy... so no, never.

  At times pre and now.  Pre, those were in the in between times on the mood swings.  During and now I do think of it, but I would think about the condition I was in plus there is not much difference at my age anyway. 

  Joelene

Never thought about it.
Now, after 1 year of my T, the full passability is reached (what a dream it was!); and currently living on a FT I have finally gained the inner peace, comfort, even love to myself. ..And I am not sad anymore! :)

I've thought about it, but never get much further than the initial idea and the following comment to myself: 'Not going to happen..'

It joins the list of things:

Do not have fingernails torn out with pincers.
Do not be Knee capped by the IRA
Do not cover self in boiling oil
Do not listen to One Direction

There was never anywhere back to go for me. Transition was my last ditch don't-kill-yourself effort. Worked out pretty well. :)

No. Not seriously. And yet when you love someone who knew you pre-transition... Yes, I've wondered what I have done to myself. I've effectively cut out my own heart with my transition. Yeah, I'm myself now and no longer dysphoric blah blah blah. I've destroyed my one chance for happiness. My thoughts continue to drive me to a dark place from which there is no return. Sorry, self-love is awesome and all but no substitute for the only thing you've wanted since you were 16.

So here I am on a cold Sunday by the fire trying to warm myself with the cold comfort of self-love and acceptance.

The bare thought of becoming a female cross-dresser as a prelude to detransitioning freaks me out already. Transitioning was absolutely the last option I had left not to close the book of life on myself. I tried everything to be "normal" and fit in, it just didn't work anymore for me. Going back is a non-option. I'd rather close that book of life.

i have thought about it before and everytime i tried it. i ended up in a bad situation. a month after my srs i tried to detransition but it only lasted a few days as i kept getting upset people kept calling me ms.

I'm french so I am not sûre I have very nice understand your question but I have detransitioning after 10 months of Testostérone  and mastectomy and live in girl because I was terrified at the idea to take a treatment in my whole life and make genital surgery (hysterectomy and phalloplasty) I was desperate. But two years later I have start at new my transition, I becam more courageous and determined (I was totally girl withouth breast but very girly). Today, I am on testosterone since July 2011 and I have finished my transition (expect the penis). :)


(I am sorry, it's difficult to explain my story in details because I'm bad in english)

I can honestly say without the least shred of ambivalence or pause-for-thought, in the 14 plus years since my transition, I have never once considered  looking (let alone going) back.  For all that I lost in my transition (mainly the love of a woman that I never wanted to be apart from), I have gained so much more than I ever dreamed possible.

In short, I would rather stick needles in my eyes and nap on a bed of hot coals than ever consider putting on that false male identity that I hid behind for the first 30 years of my life.  Not for anyone, not for anything, not for love or money would I, could I ever do that to myself again!

(I just can't state my feelings strongly enough!)

Hugs,
Miharu

Quote from: Zarathoustra on January 20, 2013, 10:26:13 AM
I'm french so I am not sûre I have very nice understand your question but I have detransitioning after 10 months of Testostérone  and mastectomy and live in girl because I was terrified at the idea to take a treatment in my whole life and make genital surgery (hysterectomy and phalloplasty) I was desperate. But two years later I have start at new my transition, I becam more courageous and determined (I was totally girl withouth breast but very girly). Today, I am on testosterone since July 2011 and I have finished my transition (expect the penis). :)


(I am sorry, it's difficult to explain my story in details because I'm bad in english)

I believe you understand correctly. Your English is not perfect but it is easy enough to understand. Your English is so much better than my French! :-)

Je crois que vous comprenez correctement. Votre anglais n'est pas parfait, mais il est assez facile à comprendre. Votre anglais est bien meilleur que mon français. Je ne pouvais écrire ce en utilisant "Google Translate"

Quote from: Fat Admin on January 20, 2013, 09:53:32 AM
I've destroyed my one chance for happiness.

Two things. People can fall in love more than once in their lifetime. This is a thing I have to believe. May not feel quite the same, but that doesn't make it not real.

Second. Are you sure that chance ever really existed? Would you really have been perfectly happy for ever and ever? I tried. For two years I tried. It worked, for a while. But loving someone and being happy with them... Not always compatible.

This is a world of greys and compromises. Fairytales are pretty, but they don't happen here. They just become a way to drive yourself crazy for things not being perfect. Scavenge your happiness where you can.

I haven't managed to get myself to eat today yet and it's nearly noon, my back & neck are having a bad day, I can feel a migraine flickering at the edge of my brain that will arrive tonight, I miss my SO like wow at the moment and have no idea how this long distance thing is really going to work, and my internship ends in a couple months and I'm terrified of not finding a job in this vile economy. But I'm breathing, I'm warm, I have an internship to go to tomorrow that makes me feel useful, I'm reading a very strange manuscript that I want to recommend for publication, I'm looking forward to March when I get to visit my girlfriend, and I'm about to go eat a croissant. These things make me okay with how things are.

There is no state of "happiness" to move to. Just the day to day and the moments that make it worthwhile. So you know, feel ->-bleeped-<- when you need to. Fair enough. Just try not to... torture yourself like that.

I'm somewhere in between. I am moving towards transitioning quite quickly, but at the same time part of me is yelling, that you are too late, too old, you will never pass, you will never see the woman in the mirror, nobody else at least wont see you. The only thing that you are doing to yourself is throwing yourself as an social outcast.

At the same time, part of me is yelling, that so what. Want to try to live like this?

I don't know...I do feel much better now that I'm finally being able to admit to myself who I am. However it just doesn't make it any easier.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 20, 2013, 01:45:34 AM
I functioned worse as a guy... so no, never.

This  :D

Quote from: Fat Admin on January 20, 2013, 09:53:32 AM
No. Not seriously. And yet when you love someone who knew you pre-transition... Yes, I've wondered what I have done to myself. I've effectively cut out my own heart with my transition. Yeah, I'm myself now and no longer dysphoric blah blah blah. I've destroyed my one chance for happiness. My thoughts continue to drive me to a dark place from which there is no return. Sorry, self-love is awesome and all but no substitute for the only thing you've wanted since you were 16.

So here I am on a cold Sunday by the fire trying to warm myself with the cold comfort of self-love and acceptance.

Yup, tried it for the same reasons for two years after being on female HRT for fourteen years, had a mental meltdown because I was miserable, been back for close to two years now, never again, no not ever!

Never ever ever.  I do wonder sometimes if I had started transition earlier, before I reached the point of not being able to stand existing anymore, if I might have doubts.   But I didn't, and I know I'm never going back to that dark place I clawed myself out of.

Quote from: Tristan on January 20, 2013, 10:20:06 AM
. a month after my srs i tried to detransition but it only lasted a few days as i kept getting upset people kept calling me ms.

????????????????????????????????????

I first transitioned in 1993, lived for over a year as who I am, and then de-transitioned due to various circumstances. I tried to transition again a couple more times over the next 20 years, encountering difficulties and discrimination each time. I'm finally transitioning w/ reasonable success during this past year, including starting HRT. Thus I have fairly extensive experiences with de-transitioning. I hope to never again live through de-transition.

Z

Detransition? never ever. I would rather die.


Since I knew that I could make things right there was no going back.

Quote from: Zarathoustra on January 20, 2013, 10:26:13 AM
I'm french so I am not sûre I have very nice understand your question but I have detransitioning after 10 months of Testostérone  and mastectomy and live in girl because I was terrified at the idea to take a treatment in my whole life and make genital surgery (hysterectomy and phalloplasty) I was desperate. But two years later I have start at new my transition, I becam more courageous and determined (I was totally girl withouth breast but very girly). Today, I am on testosterone since July 2011 and I have finished my transition (expect the penis). :)


(I am sorry, it's difficult to explain my story in details because I'm bad in english)

You did just fine and I understood you.

Quote from: Venus-Castina on January 20, 2013, 10:49:15 AM
The thought of detransitioning crosses my mind regularly. Now I am 18 months into transition I more and more realize that I have started hrt too late for it to have a good effect on my body. There is just too much testosterone damage that cannot be reversed and because of that I am afraid I will always experience some gender dysphoria.
So I am presented with a choice here: Live as an unpassable woman with a fair amount of genderdysphoria and being a social outcast, or live as a man with a lot of genderdysphoria but at least I am treated like a normal person.
Both options don't appeal to me so often I wonder what the point of living is.

But you are passable, and getting prettier all the time!

I have been in transition for 9 months and on HRT for 5.5 months. I think about detransition because of the cultural focus on certainty and absolution that transgender people endure.

The idea passes into my consciousness because my society is horrified that this is a "mistake" and in the trans community detransition is taboo. For this reason I think about it.

Whenever I do I laugh to myself. The idea that I would ever choose to live as a man again is a joke. A cruel and peculiar joke. When I woke up to myself in this life, I was set free. There is no life if I'm not being me.

I've often wondered how I would manage if HRT was not an option for me. I get very nervous when I think about that. I need HRT so badly and I love it deeply. I hope that I might always be well enough to be in treatment.

The fear around detransition is based in other peoples fear, Cis fear. We are entitled to our own doubts, for sure. But I believe our fear would diminish if our world would stop trying to eradicate us.

I don't care what I have to do to be this way, I'll do it. I never thought life could be like this. IT ISN'T PERFECT! I have fear and insecurity and everything else a rich life has. But in transition it is all manageable. I was unable to manage my life before. Fear was insurmountable.

I don't agree with the urging narrative that begs us to be void of doubt. To question transition, detransition, is incredibly healthy. None of us are more or less authentic than the other for the sake of our doubt.

I am grateful to be comfortable in transition. When I've thought about detransition I try to imagine a day in the future where I want to be a man, or am willing to be...I honestly can't fathom it. This is my destiny.

Great topic.

x Di

Its been about 9 years since I started with hrt and no, never thought about detransitioning, just couldn't ever do that. Would rather be dead than go back.

Quote from: Zarathoustra on January 20, 2013, 10:26:13 AM
I'm french so I am not sûre I have very nice understand your question but I have detransitioning after 10 months of Testostérone  and mastectomy and live in girl because I was terrified at the idea to take a treatment in my whole life and make genital surgery (hysterectomy and phalloplasty) I was desperate. But two years later I have start at new my transition, I becam more courageous and determined (I was totally girl withouth breast but very girly). Today, I am on testosterone since July 2011 and I have finished my transition (expect the penis). :)


(I am sorry, it's difficult to explain my story in details because I'm bad in english)

Kia Ora Mon ami,

Your English is easy to understand....

Have a good journey...Bon voyage ...

Metta Zenda :)

 I've thought about it, in a sense. I feel that with my facial bone structure, my face has an androgynous appearance - a feminine masculine face, if you will. Because of this, I have thought that presenting androgynously, as opposed to female, would be easier; I wouldn't have to worry about whether I pass or not, I wouldn't have to hold myself up to standards of female beauty, and I could ignore my discomfort with my appearance, because how I look would properly align with my presentation.

It wasn't the answer, though. Doing the above would probably result in no change, or negative change, to my mood because it would be like admitting defeat. I still feel defeated, but I will be able continue the "fight" for as long as I need to.

As for going back to male... well, I've thought about that, too. Actually doing so would be traumatizing, and I would be a failure of a man even if I tried. My personality, as dark and gloomy as it is, is not a manly one, I would keep up the female voice because I cannot stand speaking in a male voice, and my body type isn't very masculine either. I could only be sane with a minimum of an androgynous presentation.

Sometimes I just don't wanna go through with it. The only person I came out to was my therapist and I still regret it and cringe thinking about it because someone in the world now knows my dirty little secret. I shouldn't have even gone to her since I can transition by myself anyway, maybe I would've told my dad by now.

Before I was holding off till graduation. That was what? Like six months ago? The only progress I've made is hair-growing, and that isn't very hard. I feel under so much pressure because my body is just getting more masculine and it just gets worse with each wasted day. Sometimes I just wanna give up life. (And by that I don't mean kill myself, I just wanna take a breather)

I'm also not very eager to destroy my fertility.

Kia Ora,

If one detransitions,[especially if it's in regards to family or religious issues]...Things, I would have thought will never be quite the same as before, it would seem the detransitioner ends up in a kind of limbo land... Where friends, family, church congregation, have in the back of their minds, will s/he do it again? Can I ever 'trust' him/her ? Is s/he really 'cured' ?

Or is it possible to live a relatively 'normal' life as your old self again ?

Metta Zenda :)

[cwe live in fear not being what  we are but that is inside us. Facing live is not about
but artifical material which inprision our hopes and dreams. Never give others that are negative take away your choices. We must decide the jounery to travel otherwise fear lives our life never letting us take the inner courage to our freedom.yes. I have  r]

Hi Girls,
I call myself a serial transitioner, because over the years I have taken a number of steps forward in the process then steps back. I went through the whole purging thing several times over the years in my 20s and 30's. I had a string of relationships and a marriage all that ended in seperation and divorce, either because of my gender dysphoria or my very low sex drive, basically making me unable to have an erection. Other types of sex were fine, but not as a man in a typical male role.

In my marriage when I came out that I was a TS, that ended my marriage. My SO was helpful early on buying me clothes and makeup, but that led to  living at first in seperate bedrooms, then formally seperating and divorce 3 years later.

Losing the love of my life that I worshipped, nearly destroyed me. But I kept going. A year later after being made redundant from my job, I had the chance to fully transition and having been on Premarin then for about 10 months decided to live full time as a woman. I was helped by three CIS Gendered straight women friends and slowly adjusted to life as a woman, although I hadnt come out to my family, but montkhy trips to see my parents got more difficult as I started to look more rounded. Everyone made comments how I appeared to be putting on weight.

I then lived full time as a woman (for nearly 12 months) working as a secretary/receptionist. It was heaven. I had a brief relationship with a guy, very fulfilling looking back and in fact this just confirmed ny feelings of being a woman, although I have always been sexually attracted to women

What caused me to de-transition, was being outed at work (The UK some 25 years was not as Trans tolerant as it is today), my financial situation (the divorce had crippled me financially) and being offered a top job overseas in more former self. I didnt want to do it, but made a plan to work towards transitioning again when I could afford it.

I then moved overseas, kept up the Estrogen for over 17 months  and lived a sort of half life (weekends and holidays as a woman, living in a Lesbian household), work as a man. I worked on the Electrolysis and other stuff.

Then some changes at my Overseas job saw me losing the job and in the process the crisis forced my hand and I de-transitioned fully , with a big purge and a move to another location.

Over the years I have had little steps in the direction, with the Internet and all the information on the Web especially all the Youtube videos and how especially young people seem to be able to transition so well, but it was the death of my parents that triggered the next set of gender dysphoria doubts. Being back in the UK sorting out their affairs led me to partially transition again to living as a woman for some 3 months.

A Health problem  a year later made me think that I needed to move forward again as this dysphoria is never going to leave me.  I started back on the beauty treatments, then 6 months ago started on IPL (We didnt have than in the 80s in the UK) and then approached a therapist and GP to discuss getting back on E.

This time I am taking it slowly, in measured steps, as I have learnt a lot over the years. There is no rush. I am getting the E levels built up, After having my baseline meds done, I have discovered that in fact that I have very low T levels , well below what a normal male has  about the level of a female and I was lucky to have had quite a bit of breast growth from my first srious transition in the 80s.  The IPL is working realy well. I am out and about again as a woman and have put together a great team to help me with my transition. I even recently discovered a fantastic woman that teaches burlesque dancing and also deportment. But unlike my last two transition attempts  I am not rushing into it. I want to do as much as possible to ensure that I look as female as possible.

From my first period on HRT I already have A Cup breasts, but I am starting to see changes again already after only 8 weeks on HRT. Skin texture has changed and I am getting some fat re-distribution, slight but noticeable. No emotional changes as I have always (for the last 20 years) had the ability to cry on a whim.

Getting my Colour Analysis done was probably the most important thing so far (after the IPL) as it has helped me so much by making sure that I buy clothes  that fit me well and highlight with my skin tones and also mean that I dont buy or use the wrong make up. It is the best investment in my view that someone can make

Do I still have doubts - Yes dont we all.

What about regrets. My biggest is I didnt have the strength and courage to go forward withmy very traditional family upbringing  that held me back.

Hugs

Kia Ora  JudithLynn aka Serial transitioner  ;)

Thanks for your interesting story...I hope for your sake this time is the right time and you go from serial to serious transitioner [serious as in this is it-no going back]...Good luck and safe journey...

Metta Zenda :)

Quote from: Cindy James on January 20, 2013, 06:37:54 AM
It joins the list of things:

Do not have fingernails torn out with pincers.
Do not be Knee capped by the IRA
Do not cover self in boiling oil
Do not listen to One Direction

Kia Ora Cindy,

::) I've heard from a source that your work place is planning to set up piped music 'throughout' the building and guess what they're going to play 'day in day out'..........  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbPED9bisSc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbPED9bisSc)

Enjoy ;) ;D

Metta Zenda :)

Quote from: Cindy James on January 20, 2013, 06:37:54 AM
It joins the list of things:

Do not have fingernails torn out with pincers.
Do not be Knee capped by the IRA
Do not cover self in boiling oil
Do not listen to One Direction

Haha!

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on January 20, 2013, 04:26:08 PM
Sometimes I just don't wanna go through with it. The only person I came out to was my therapist and I still regret it and cringe thinking about it because someone in the world now knows my dirty little secret. I shouldn't have even gone to her since I can transition by myself anyway, maybe I would've told my dad by now.

Before I was holding off till graduation. That was what? Like six months ago? The only progress I've made is hair-growing, and that isn't very hard. I feel under so much pressure because my body is just getting more masculine and it just gets worse with each wasted day. Sometimes I just wanna give up life. (And by that I don't mean kill myself, I just wanna take a breather)

I'm also not very eager to destroy my fertility.

Kia Ora Trista,

Have you thought about the sperm bank ?

Metta Zenda :)

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, depressed, discouraged and feel like giving up, but at this point detransitioning just really wouldn't make sense

Why would I go back to being 'That guy' that I never liked being?

Quote from: Zenda on January 20, 2013, 11:01:06 PM
Kia Ora Trista,

Have you thought about the sperm bank ?

Metta Zenda :)

Yes, and I plan to use one too. Still, the fact that transitioning will severely limit my reproductive options sometimes doesn't sit well with me.

No, not really. There was a short period of time after something bad happened to me that I stopped taking my HRT medication because I felt like trying to be myself was why it happened. I wasn't really thinking in any rational way at that point and was purely reacting to try to feel safer. Not taking my medication lasted 4 days until I realized it wasn't my fault, and that I would only be hurting myself if I stopped my medication and I wasn't about to let myself be hurt anymore.

   I just wished I transitioned 40 yrs ago instead of wanting until I am 68
  Lost a lot these passed yrs.
   janis

Best way I could think it of, and I've never once thought about doing it is.

I was a non-functioning male, to go back would mean giving up on everything I've built because I wouldn't be able to live or move on with life.
I might as well be a vegetable
Having said that, I have never had one thought of taking my own life

I'm still early in transitioning but I have to say there is no way I would go back to the way things were before. I'm out to my family, I'm on HRT, whats the point of going back to that misery!

No I would hate to be the person I was before.I would probably be dead if I hadn't transitioned not by suicide but by an accident.I was getting wrecked on lager,cider and weed then making chips.There were quite a few fires,I fell asleep in the bath many times and once knocked a portable CD player in the bath.

I've been in and out of women's clothing since I was 14. I briefly started self medicating when I was 16 and a bunch of factors stopped me. 13yrs latter and here I am on my transition journey. Even though I'm not even close to tackling the major hurdles there are times when I think about it. I think it's the fear of the un-known that either stops us or makes us want to turn back. At this point, I'll be 30 this summer, I just felt I needed to sh*t or get off the pot. I don't wanna be in my late 50's still trying to make up my mind. I've wasted enough time in this form for me there's no turning back.

it has crossed my mind and due to family and friends i can say once again i have tried to start this process. oddly enough though its not so easy to go in reverse? ???

I don't know if it counts as detransitioning per say, but when I was 15 I got pretty close to coming out. I dressed in only guy clothes, had my hair cut like a guy and acted like one, to the point where going out I passed 90% of the time (which I would go out with the sole purpose of passing and being recognized as male) and then I just hit a wall. It was too scary for me, so I went into denial and convinced myself there was no way I wanted to be a guy, in my head I told myself "You're just butch, get over this and act like a normal person"  ::) so I started dressing more androgynously, with girl clothes, wore makeup on and off, generally still butch, but girlier than I was before. It wasn't that I transitioned where I was out as trans, but I made a leap in my own head of not acting like a girl anymore, and I couldn't ever go back to how I was before I made that leap. I don't think I could go back now that it's out in the open, but why would I want to  :P

Quote from: Darkflame on February 24, 2013, 08:18:35 PM
I don't know if it counts as detransitioning per say, but when I was 15 I got pretty close to coming out. I dressed in only guy clothes, had my hair cut like a guy and acted like one, to the point where going out I passed 90% of the time (which I would go out with the sole purpose of passing and being recognized as male) and then I just hit a wall. It was too scary for me, so I went into denial and convinced myself there was no way I wanted to be a guy, in my head I told myself "You're just butch, get over this and act like a normal person"  ::) so I started dressing more androgynously, with girl clothes, wore makeup on and off, generally still butch, but girlier than I was before. It wasn't that I transitioned where I was out as trans, but I made a leap in my own head of not acting like a girl anymore, and I couldn't ever go back to how I was before I made that leap. I don't think I could go back now that it's out in the open, but why would I want to  :P

Kia Ora Darkflame,

I guess your past situation could be seen as de-transitioning... I hope you find your happy medium...

Metta Zenda :)

Every once in a while I'll think about de-transitioning...for about 0.003 microseconds. It just ain't gonna happen. I voted no (on HRT).

Living as a man = total misery

Living as a woman = a tiny bit of misery, often followed by great joy by just "being".

Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 24, 2013, 09:17:58 PM
Every once in a while I'll think about de-transitioning...for about 0.003 microseconds. It just ain't gonna happen. I voted no (on HRT).

Living as a man = total misery

Living as a woman = a tiny bit of misery, often followed by great joy by just "being".

Kia Ora beth,

I like that...

Metta Zenda :)

Let's see, they day I accepted my female identity and resolved never to bury her again, I would have died if I had chosen the other path. Instead I determined to do whatever it takes so that she could live. And all the cold icy walls in my heart started to melt away, one at a time. Within two months I had come out to everyone except at work, and dressed androgynously at work.

I transitioned as quickly as I could, but I had waited so long, and dug myself into such a pit of pain, that I almost died twice more before I started hormones 3 months later. If I hadn't been making progress on transition, I would have died both those times. As it was, I cut it way too close by waiting way too long.

I started seeing the shrink the same time I started the hormones, and within a few weeks I had accepted that my male self was me, wearing a mask, and that it was ok to put the mask away for good. I never put it on again. And I never wanted to die again. After struggling with suicidality for more than 30 years. Coincidence? Gender work was done, and since then, I've been dealing and overcoming everything else.

Two months later I "went full time" and never looked back.

All of my problems, intractible throughout my life, have gotten better (not perfect, but better) since then, because at last I have the tools to work on them. All of my relationships, even that with my wife (though the changes it began ended our marriage), have gotten better since then, because at last I can let them see and know me.

And I love life, and look forward, for the first time, for living as long as I possibly can, and celebrating this amazing gift I have been given. Complete strangers respond to the joy I radiate. My worst days are better than my best days used to be.

So, No. I have never considered pretending to be a man, and putting on a false gender mask, again. No one who knows me now, who knew me before, could ever imagine me going back to that either. It just doesn't fit. I have grown too much to ever fit in the mask again.

I voted other since I am post op and all my consideration was done when I was pre op or even pre transition.

I had thrown the idea around many a time, before having surgery, to fall back and live a female life simply so I could live my dream of joining the US military. I don't regret pursuing my transition instead though. I am happier than I've ever been and I don't think I'd be had I taken that path. I realize now that every time I saw myself in uniform I was seeing a man, but before that wasn't something I comprehended.

It's still a depressing thought to know that I'll probably never get to join though.

I'm mid-transition and stopped planning it ages ago. I take each day as it comes. When an opportunity to move forward presents itself I'll take it, otherwise I'm okay as I am.

I've thought about detransitioning a couple of times but in the cold light of day it always comes back to the following conclusions:

1. The anticipated ease, comfort and acceptance I would gain as a male is outweighed by the lies, the deceit, the self-deception, the pretending, the constant inner conflict and the knowledge that I spent years trying to succeed at being male but failed.

2. I am being myself, as Nature intended, and in being female I'm also being open and honest. If people don't like it, then that's not my problem.

3. Thoughts about detransitioning are really only an escape from not dealing adequately with a situation. It's bad enough sometimes seeing that what I see in a mirror, I don't need to make it any worse.

Yes I think of it. But I wont ever do it!

Because I always come to the same conclusion and that is that I would not make one day as a male without loosing all my will to live.



But life would be easier if I did detransition however.

"3. Thoughts about detransitioning are really only an escape from not dealing adequately with a situation."

Detransitioning seems strange to many, but we can never walk a mile in someones shoes. Detransitoners are still part of our transgender community, and they need, and deserve, all of our respect and support.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 20, 2013, 12:27:21 PM
"3. Thoughts about detransitioning are really only an escape from not dealing adequately with a situation."

Detransitioning seems strange to many, but we can never walk a mile in someones shoes. Detransitoners are still part of our transgender community, and they need, and deserve, all of our respect and support.

Sorry, maybe it wasn't clear but I was making these points based on my own personal experience and my own perspective.

I can't speak or post for anyone else and wouldn't wish for my posts to be construed as such especially here with such a broad spectrum of people, each one making their own individual journeys.

Kia Ora,

Thank you all for the interesting responses...

Well as we all know there are a number of reasons as to why people de-transition, so..................

What do you think is the main/most common reason ?

for example :

1) Family, friend, community pressure to conform to the norm-[I know of a few where this has happened]

2) The inability to blend in [ https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,138313.80.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,138313.80.html)  ]


What steps do you think one could or should take to reduce the possible risks of having to de-transitioning ?


Metta Zenda :)

I kinda detransitioned once.  I was emotionally blackmailed into it by an ex.  Luckily it happened only several months into my journey.  Of course I eventually found my way back to me, THANK GOD!  At the time I was pressured to go back into boy-mode was a very depressing time.  I still have nightmares about it.

Quote from: MidnightKat on April 18, 2013, 07:11:50 PM
I kinda detransitioned once.  I was emotionally blackmailed into it by an ex.  Luckily it happened only several months into my journey.  Of course I eventually found my way back to me, THANK GOD!  At the time I was pressured to go back into boy-mode was a very depressing time.  I still have nightmares about it.

Sounds so familiar!

I haven't truly thought about de-transitioning in years.  After my srs I seriously thought about it, but I was going through a severe depression and had multiple complications with my surgery, not to mention I lost my job and realized all my friends saw me as the transsexual rather than a person.  For me, my issue was that my therapist and doctors all kept focusing on the surgery, rather than living life afterwards, I literally had no plans or goals other than moving out of state. But that was 5 years ago, its been more than 4 years since I actually gave it any thought and no way I would go back now.

I've thought about it, but that's it.

Part of me considered, what would happen if I just gave up? What would happen if I "sucked it up" and tried to live as a female? It would have been so much easier and cheaper. To just pretend and play along like everyone would have preferred me to. But would I ever be able to live a happy, fulfilling life like that?

And my answer...a resounding hell no! I couldn't live my life as a lie and feel happy that way. I would be miserable, I couldn't exist like that. I'd rather die. Transition was the only way for me; it was transition or die... One or the other, because I could never truly be myself while pretending to be female. I would be a liar and a fake if I did that. I would be ashamed of myself. And, more importantly, I would be uncomfortable with my own body for the rest of whatever terrible existence I had.

Quote from: Luminosity on May 01, 2013, 11:44:37 AM
After my srs I seriously thought about it, but I was going through a severe depression and had multiple complications with my surgery,

Like Luminosity, it crossed my mind briefly after my surgery, I had some incontinence problems and depression, it was a long healing period of nearly 2years, but after that period I never go back.

Pre-op 5 Mo on HRT and while I answered NO, I have had occasional doubts buuut, it's more that I've doubted my sanity and been dealing with some internalized trans hatred.  Kind of, maybe they're right crap.  In the end I know that if it wasn't for that external pressure to conform there is no way I'd even stop to think about it.  Also, while I've had doubts about the future, thinking about actually de-transitioning simply doesn't make sense in my mind.  Pretty much the second I came out to that first person, transition stopped being a "choice".

I think it should also be mentioned that going backwards can be a difficult thing to do

Quote from: Tristan on May 05, 2013, 11:10:17 PM
I think it should also be mentioned that going backwards can be a difficult thing to do

Ummm yeah, transitioning is like an uphill hike and running downhill backwards isn't a normal thing to do and tough physically and mentally, I know cause I tried it for two years.  :'(

Yeah your so right . It's been difficult to go backwards for me too ;)

Quote from: Fezzika on May 06, 2013, 11:25:44 AM
I'm very tentative about ever going full time, I'm physically too large to ever be credible as a female in public.  I am very tall, have huge hands and feet (I need a size 15 in women's shoes, they are hard to find) and broad shoulders. 

Fezzika, of course you are credible as a female. You ARE a female. Your size doesn't change or affect that in any way.

Maybe you will never go stealth because of this. But I know lots of trans women who don't pass but yet are very happy with their transitions. They tell me nearly everyone treats them with respect and genders them correctly. I've frequently been in their company in public and seen that what they are reporting is true.

Please think about:
* You can be beautiful without passing. Non-passing trans women can be very beautiful.
* You can be beautiful without being close to the average size or shape of a woman. Women of all sizes and shapes can be beautiful.
* The only requirement for MtF transition is that you be a female inside. Transition is open to all women, regardless of size, shape, looks, voice, age, passability, or resemblance to the 21st century beauty ideal.

As others have said, never.  This was a one way journey, if it fails my life fails.  Simple.  Fortunately, it seems to be working :)

I HAVE detransitioned TWICE I was raised very conservatively and programmed that such things were wrong and kind of took it too heart so I only lasted 3 years and in my first relationship with a woman she decided that it would be a lot easier if I went back as a guy and we got married (the stupid thing is we met as lesbians), I ended up having to diverce her after a year because she beat me.

I transitioned again. Then I stupidly joined another church, that church when I was getting ready to have SRS put me through  reparative therapy  >:(  then I married a woman in that church. We were together for 12 years until she committed suicide, we had 3 children.

After 3 years together I went on HRT. I have been Full time now 5.5 years and no going back but I am very frustrated at all that I have been through especially since it look like I may never be able to afford SRS again.

       

I'm sorry vegi, what a horrible nightmare! (hugs)

I've never thought about detransitioning but asked myself if it is really worth it. I've lost the majority of my friends and been single for going on 6 years now. Besides work and the occasional family visit I pretty much live in isolation from everything. It upsets my mother to see me living this way , I always have the attitude why the hell would someone want to be with someone like me :(

Quote from: vegie271 on May 18, 2013, 05:30:16 PM
I HAVE detransitioned TWICE I was raised very conservatively and programmed that such things were wrong and kind of took it too heart so I only lasted 3 years and in my first relationship with a woman she decided that it would be a lot easier if I went back as a guy and we got married (the stupid thing is we met as lesbians), I ended up having to diverce her after a year because she beat me.

I transitioned again. Then I stupidly joined another church, that church when I was getting ready to have SRS put me through  reparative therapy  >:(  then I married a woman in that church. We were together for 12 years until she committed suicide, we had 3 children.

After 3 years together I went on HRT. I have been Full time now 5.5 years and no going back but I am very frustrated at all that I have been through especially since it look like I may never be able to afford SRS again.

       

Kia Ora Vegie,

I'm also sorry to hear about your past experience...But what's done is done and there's no going back to change thing...

I hope you find or have found a piece of happiness..

Metta Zenda :)

I am post-op and still consider it. In fact, for much of the past year, the only thing delaying me was getting through GCS. My view was simply that if I detransitioned I would simply need to transition again (what would be my 3rd attempt; my first was in 1994) in another 5-10 years, and having gone through 5 years of gatekeeper crap this time only to have to do the same again in a decade. SRS was particularly gatekept from me (I was required to do two years of RLE to get access by a therapist who was openly interpreting the SoC guidelines in the least favorable way to me) and didn't want to risk having to go through that a second time.

My motivation to detransition is a very poor emotional state that developed in the course of this attempt to transition, largely as a result of gatekeeper crap (heavy attempts by self-proclaimed trans-friendly physicians to dissuade me from transitioning, including telling me lies about medical facts, and toying with my doses - I had 14 E dose changes in 3.5 years due to this.)

I'm sorry. I think alot of people try going back. Sometimes it's the right choice and other times not. However you find out as I did that depending on how you look now and if you have had srs it can be hard to go back to your old gender role. People tend to still call you by what they aee

I doubt SRS will be a significant part of it. That was an insignificant change to my body.

For me, it's about trying to gain badly needed emotional and mental stability.

Quote from: Agent_J on June 03, 2013, 04:40:40 PM
I am post-op and still consider it. In fact, for much of the past year, the only thing delaying me was getting through GCS. My view was simply that if I detransitioned I would simply need to transition again (what would be my 3rd attempt; my first was in 1994) in another 5-10 years, and having gone through 5 years of gatekeeper crap this time only to have to do the same again in a decade. SRS was particularly gatekept from me (I was required to do two years of RLE to get access by a therapist who was openly interpreting the SoC guidelines in the least favorable way to me) and didn't want to risk having to go through that a second time.

My motivation to detransition is a very poor emotional state that developed in the course of this attempt to transition, largely as a result of gatekeeper crap (heavy attempts by self-proclaimed trans-friendly physicians to dissuade me from transitioning, including telling me lies about medical facts, and toying with my doses - I had 14 E dose changes in 3.5 years due to this.)

Kia Ora Agent_J,

I hope you find peace within...Give it time...

Metta Zenda :)

I didn't make a passable male when I was supposed to be one! After almost 40 years on this side of the fence, detransition would be laughable!

Quote from: Northern Jane on June 03, 2013, 06:41:20 PM
I didn't make a passable male when I was supposed to be one! After almost 40 years on this side of the fence, detransition would be laughable!

Haha you know that's so true. After a while going back is just not possible. But you can always learn to like the new you and new toy in place of the old one...wink...wink..... ;)

Quote from: Tristan on June 03, 2013, 06:56:10 PMBut you can always learn to like the new you and new toy in place of the old one...wink...wink..... ;)

LOL! That all happened a LONG time ago! ;)

Quote from: Miss Bungle on June 03, 2013, 10:25:47 PM
I couldn't do it. I would rather kill myself first. Going back to living as a male would be soul destroying.

I can only agree. Going back would kill me. I am so happy to be able to live as myself, as a woman at any time.

  An update since my last post on this thread since January.  Any detransitioning thoughts had subsided.  I am still in the middle and consider myself non-op due to my finances, older age, and my improved mental state.  A case of neuropathy in both feet had me down this past winter.  This has been going on for at least 20 years disguised as psoriasis pain that morphed into a different kind of pain that my doctor could not find a cause for as of yet.  HRT usage, diabetes, gout, and the other liver and kidney tests showed negative for anything.  Other tests are too expensive for me now, but I may be put on disability for this that may help in finding the cause. 

  Joelene

I would rather not be at all than the alternatives to being me.

I have had thoughts about it lately. Told my therapist. She asked
"what if you HAD to go back to your old self?" I said "I don't think
I could." "There you go" she said.

Before starting therapy I made a real effort to live as male again.
Didn't purge, just boxed up the clothes. I did cut my hair. It'll take
at least a couple years to grow back where it was. Anyway I made
it about a month and a half before about going out of my mind.

That's when I started therapy and electrolysis. Now after a month
on HRT I'd hate to have to go off of it.

All these back and forth thoughts, and the worrying. They are so
draining.

I would say stick it out for now and explore your feelings. You can always de transition later if it does not work out. Sounds like you might have a little fear of success or the unknown?

I have before. Never again. I started living female in my late teens.. Detransitioned due to trans women saying id never pass-never got eatrogen then.

In my early/mid twenties i did round two. Lived full time with college, no job at home, and my hormones then were progesterone cream from health food store, and womens menopause vitamins with phyto eatrogen. De transitioned two years later cuz saw no effects and was stupid by not going to wn endo somehow. Even did a therapist then but she knew very little of soc and wanted to keep me coming back forever to 'change' my feelings. Bitch. Lol.

Then i met love if my life who always knew, struggled for years playing female secretly with her only while in the army. 6 years later im now 29-almost 30- and two monthes into hrt and fully tansitioned.  Do i get depressed, sure but only cuz estrogen doesnt work as fast as id like but im sticking to my endos regimen. Can i go back? No. The day im cut off from hrt or living as a woman is the day i die.  Ill never ever return to that dark depressed suicidal drink myself to death and play chameleon with a million different male aspects (id watch men in my life and pick up certain behaviors and traits to help me present as male, anyone ever do that?); and i can firmly say id never return to that place again.  It was like living in a clear box where i could see outside the world, few people saw in te box, and i constantly changed the boxes mannerisms ad appearance to not be seen out of fear of rejection and losing family/friends. Now im outif that bax and people see me for me, i never thoight id ever possibly get here and thought hrt and transition was for the licky ones. Partially correct, as self destructive as i was im licky i made it to this point. I wanted to die everyday and drank heavily for years hoping i would. The facy my blood panels dont show liver damage is amazing. And my endo gave me full dose estrogen. Id rather live poor and happy then just above poor and not truly live.  Now that i can actually be me...and see me, im never going back. Heh im in tears writing this...