I'd like to ask a serious question...
I know transition is usually a death knell for a marriage, but I was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you? Were you able to get past the physical aspect, and build a relationship on something deeper?
I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. I'm out to him...he took it pretty well, and told me that if it's 'worst case' (ie, if I want to fully transition), he'll still love me because he married me as a whole person, not just a body. It sounds too good to be true to me... I'm just worried that once any physical changes start to set in (if I go that route), he'll discover he can't actually handle it..the loss of his wife, this new strange person, being perceived as gay, etc.
Sooo...any success stories out there?
Not from me. My ex knew about me for eighteen or nineteen years and rarely had a problem with it. When I started T, he definitely had a problem. We lasted for only about twelve weeks after that.
I guess I should amend the question to include any serious long-term relationship
(and thanks Arch...that's the trend I've been noticing)
Well I probably shouldn't respond here since my significant other isn't yet on hormones (1st endo appt on the 29th!) but we have been dating nearly 8 years now and if anything, our relationship is a million times better now than it was before she came out to me (and it was great before.. she is just so much more comfortable with herself now). I think it was really easy for me to accept because.. well I guess I've always considered myself pansexual, I have always known she had some sort of gender issues. We always joked before she came out about how I was the man of the relationship.. and it does feel that way :P I can't understand why it would make a difference one way or the other. As long as she is happy and healthy, I will be happy, and so far she is a million times happier. tbh, I don't think I have ever really been attracted to 'males' or 'maleness' in anyway. She never had a very male aura. I can easily be with anyone who I love and makes me happy.. just women are more attractive. Anyways, I know I'm prolly not the best case since she hasn't started hormones, but I really can't see that doing anything but making me more attracted to her.
In my TG group I know of only 1 couple that is still together after the "Hey guess what? I am trans" revelation through full time for a good 5 years now I think. They had their tough periods but their mutual love overcame the obstacles. The other 5-6 formerly married are just that.
My own story is one of my wife knowing from about day 1 of my "Hobby". I was able to keep the trans stuff pretty much under control for 30+ years. The past 3 years have been an emotional roller coaster for us both. While now I feel that if I needed to go full time she will remain by my side, I've been doing a pretty good job the past few months of letting guilt, hopelessness, futility and fatalism bury that side of me once again.
My gf and I will have been together 9 years next month. When we met she was dating a cis male and didn't know about me. A few weeks later I told her and she had no problem with it. Now I'm fully transitioning and she has no problems with it. If our bedroom habits have anything to say about it, I'd say she is getting more attracted to me with every shot, lol.
I married my teenage sweetheart, we're going on 44 years now and have two sons and two grandkids. I'm a late blooming transitioner having started around 1995. I started HRT on the QT and as my body and brain started to feminize she began to have trouble with it. I suppose that since our relationship was based initially on a really good friendship that morphed into one of love and mutual support, it was a great help when it came to endurance because we had it right to begin with, it wasn't just based on a sexual relationship. I took it very slowly, and we had many long breakfasts that went into noon as we discussed everything. I have done everything except SRS and though my spouse accompanied me to my pre-op consultation with Dr. Bowers, I made the decision to forgo it for both of our sakes. I do mix my male and female attire and present androgynously. My wife is petite and very attractive, we're both into fitness and do practically everything together. I get the vibes that we get clocked as a lesbian couple by those who don't know us.
One thing that came up in our discussions was "I married a man!" We've discussed every possible aspect of that and although I have had an orchiectomy about ten years ago and am still on feminizing HRT, I do use a tiny amount of topical testosterone on the apex of my butt following my daily shower which makes boy/girl type sexual intimacy still possible. She has gotten used to the boobs and soft skin and thinks I'm a better lover now than previously, probably because it takes me a little longer than formerly to get my motor running, but it stays running longer. I get the feeling that she's gotten to the place where she's enjoying the visual kinkiness and the fact that we now have a huge emotional connection that was formerly not always there. Most importantly it is all about commitment, not just hers, I had to be willing to meet her half way. My pix are on the link below.
In my experience, I've seen wives stick around more than husbands, but I've never done a survey. And nearly all of the SOs I've seen who weathered the storm were bisexual--but that's the people I know IRL.
Thanks for the replies, this is heartening stuff for the most part.
Simon - that's pretty awesome, man. You must have a very open-minded girlfriend XD
Joanne, wow that's a rough situation. If my husband starts changing his mind that's definitely where I'll be at - trying like mad to suppress this stuff to keep the boat afloat so to speak. I'm not going to leave him just to change, that's for certain.
muffinpants - lol, well I'm betting your situation will work out because frankly it sounds like you rock! What an awesome attitude.
Shantel - This really gives me hope. 44 years is truly an accomplishment.
My husband and I are best friends first and foremost. Our sex life is somewhat dismal because I discovered I'm pretty much asexual after we were married (that's what you get for waiting till your're married to do the deed kids). Granted there seems a distinct possibility that it's the dysphoria rather than true asexuality...hard to tell in this body, ha. Be that as it may, we work out together, like the same movies and TV shows, enjoy just hanging out...heck even worked at the same job for quite awhile (we're both engineers by trade). I feel like if this is going to work it's going to be based more on our emotional connection that anything physical.
Quote from: ford on January 25, 2013, 07:54:56 PM
Thanks for the replies, this is heartening stuff for the most part.
Simon - that's pretty awesome, man. You must have a very open-minded girlfriend XD
Joanne, wow that's a rough situation. If my husband starts changing his mind that's definitely where I'll be at - trying like mad to suppress this stuff to keep the boat afloat so to speak. I'm not going to leave him just to change, that's for certain.
muffinpants - lol, well I'm betting your situation will work out because frankly it sounds like you rock! What an awesome attitude.
Shantel - This really gives me hope. 44 years is truly an accomplishment.
My husband and I are best friends first and foremost. Our sex life is somewhat dismal because I discovered I'm pretty much asexual after we were married (that's what you get for waiting till your're married to do the deed kids). Granted there seems a distinct possibility that it's the dysphoria rather than true asexuality...hard to tell in this body, ha. Be that as it may, we work out together, like the same movies and TV shows, enjoy just hanging out...heck even worked at the same job for quite awhile (we're both engineers by trade). I feel like if this is going to work it's going to be based more on our emotional connection that anything physical.
Absolutely critical! No doubt you've probably heard women talking about how some men are emotionally unavailable? Well, yes it is a problem for many because they have learned to stuff their feelings and mask their emotions from early childhood. I witnessed the deaths of several friends in SE Asia years ago along with a lot of collateral carnage of civilians, their homes and lives. I never shed a tear about anything until several years had passed. I had to hold my wife's cat as we were about to have it put to sleep for distemper and came totally unhinged and cried like a baby. Men do that, they stuff things and hold themselves back as if they have no soul. Sounds like you have a keeper, just engage in a lot of conversation as you move into your transition, talk about feelings and be sure and say "I love you!"
Well, I *am* the SO, but yes. :) Actually, among the couples I know, the majority did stay together (and the ones who did not had already considered divorce before transition, for unrelated reasons). My wife transitioned in 2009, when we'd been married for 9 years and together for 14. It was a hell of a year, and there were certainly times when we were wondering if we could hold it together, but at this point we're happier together than we were before. Mostly because *she's* happier, more content, and generally a more stable person. (Yes, we still have a satisfying sexual and romantic life, and we made it work back when she was considering herself a guy, pre-op and then post-. Sure, it required some flexibility from both of us, but that too is part of marriage.)
I also know several partners who are of an orientation that conflicts with their transitioning spouse's new gender and still stayed together; some choose to redefine their orientation, some don't, but labels should not be allowed to define people to the exclusion of their own desires.
I am in fact bi and prefer women, which I am sure helped. Of course, I assumed that meant this would be "easy," which... was both cruel and silly. It actually took a lot of work on both our parts to deal with the millions of minor and major changes that transition required, and I give her a lot of credit - it was her willingness to consider my feelings and to delay anything I couldn't handle (not that I asked more than once or twice, but the offer itself meant a lot) that made this possible.
One thing to keep in mind is that no matter what anyone in the larger society says, this isn't something so bizarre and horrible that it's a free pass to divorce. Any major change (good or bad) can strain a marriage - having babies, chronic illness, changing careers - and this is just another example of a life change that takes serious effort to accommodate. It's a less statistically common one, sure, but that's all. Don't let anyone tell you that you're some kind of freak who deserves to lose him, or tell him that nobody ever sticks it out through a spouse's transition!
Your husband probably has no real idea of the scope and complexity of the changes this will cause. That's not an insult; I'm not sure anyone does fully grasp it until they're on the other side. But if he loves you and is willing to try, and you're equally willing to work with him, there's a VERY good chance you can come out of it with a solid marriage. I've always said that love and commitment are the key factors (and communication!!); love doesn't overcome all, not without a hell of a lot of work, but it's a great start. He seems to be offering you that sort of excellent starting point, so it's possible. Good luck... and feel free to tell him to pop in here if he'd like to talk to other people who've been there.
I think one reason it's harder on men--assuming that it is, but that's what I've seen--is that most men don't like to talk about their feelings, and it can be hell getting them/us to go to therapy or couples counseling. If my ex had been willing to talk to someone, we might have weathered the storm. He went through a lot of weird crap, selective memory, and accusations, but no real talking it through. I had been through therapy a number of times (lifetime of feeling screwed up) and was no stranger to it. He'd never done it before, and he had no interest in starting.
Thank you Ford for starting this thread, there's really good posts in here ... inspirational and real. I wish you the best of luck :)
Quote from: Arch on January 26, 2013, 01:25:31 AM
I think one reason it's harder on men--assuming that it is, but that's what I've seen--is that most men don't like to talk about their feelings, and it can be hell getting them/us to go to therapy or couples counseling. If my ex had been willing to talk to someone, we might have weathered the storm. He went through a lot of weird crap, selective memory, and accusations, but no real talking it through. I had been through therapy a number of times (lifetime of feeling screwed up) and was no stranger to it. He'd never done it before, and he had no interest in starting.
Good point Arch. What would you say about a man who is very open emotionally to begin with? With close confidantes to lean on?
Very interesting thread. Can the fear of the 'gay male stigma' be overcome for straight men? Not saying it's not tough for women suddenly being seen as lesbian. But the stigma seems greater for men.
PS I think a member here, Paul aka Squirrel696 is still with his husband after being transitioned several years. Anybody else?
Thank you blueconstancy...lots of good stuff in there. Good point about how (boiled down) transition is really just one of many life changes that can strain a marriage (I really like hearing from you SOs...it's great to have you on this forum).
Arch - ah the feelings thing. Oddly, my husband talks about his feelings much more readily that I do, and is quite a bit more emotional. So maybe that will help.
And he does seem very willing to try to understand. When I first came out he offered to let me try on a pair of his jeans (lol) so that I could "get a feel for what men's pant size" I am, haha! So I did, and in solidarity he tried on a pair of my rather girly hiphuggers... That said though, while he definitely isn't homophobic, he is very much a straight guy in public, and I think the public perception is going to be a big deal to him (especially when it comes to his very conservative religious family). But this is feeling like a workable issue...a comfort zone thing.
Thanks all for posting. There is some good inspiration here.
My ex and I were pretty open with each other, although it took me something like eight or ten years to tell him about my other worlds--and somewhere in there, I found out that he had one, too. His wasn't a waking fantasy so much as a dream he had when he slept.
My inner life...well, I'll be honest, he never knew the half of it. Nobody did until I told my therapist. My ex didn't know, for example, that I spent whole days inside my head and even sometimes drove my car while I was in fantasy mode. It was the only way I could cope. So I definitely held out on him, but that was private stuff.
The trans thing killed our communication. In most ways, we were like two guys who were best friends--except with straight sex thrown in. Frankly, I think that my being trans was what he needed--except for the physical transition part. If he ever gets into another relationship, he'll need a girl who is very guy-ish in a lot of ways. Maybe a tomboy.
In the end, I learned how to share some of the deep stuff with him because I was talking about it in therapy and very much wanted the relationship to survive. But by then, my ex rarely shared his deepest feelings and fears with me. I tried to draw him out, but he went into cave mode and never came out. He saw a therapist once--after he had already decided to end the relationship.
I know that there was homophobia there. At least, he didn't want to be in a gay relationship, whereas that was the kind of relationship I'd always wanted, from childhood. Well before transition, I could see where my partner drew the line. If people "mistook" me for a guy but I wasn't really working at it, that was okay. If I was trying to be seen as male, that wasn't okay. So if we walked down the street hand in hand, and I was just being myself, and people yelled "->-bleeped-<-gots!" at us (which happened many times), he could laugh that off. But if I bound and went out to the opera with him and I tried to hold his hand, he became a stiff, uncomfortable stranger and either stood there frozen or actually pulled away. Not his finest hour, but at least I fully understand it now.
When we were still negotiating the terms of our relationship at the very end, he informed me, "I'm not gay. I won't be gay. That's your thing. I won't be a part of that world." I told him that he didn't have to socialize in gay circles and that I wouldn't expect him to come to the Center or go to Pride. In the last analysis, that wasn't enough for him. He really needed to be with a woman. I hope he finds one, and I hope she likes girl watching, science fiction, Jackie Chan, and The Evil Dead
I was in a relationship for 6.5 years. We broke up before I realized I was trans or took any steps in transitioning, but my personality was always very masculine. Towards the end, he pointed out things that didn't bother him in the beginning, but started to bother him later on and he didn't think we were a good fit. It was devastating at first, but we're still decent friends. He's aware of what's going on now and says he's supportive. I definitely don't think it would have lasted if we had stayed together in the first place. Strangely, I see that as it working itself out.
Then I dated a girl (first and only) who was totally fine with my personality. We broke up after a year over other reasons, but during the time apart I started to figure out who I really am. It was kind of hard for me to tell her because I knew she'd be supportive as a friend, but I wasn't sure if that would change how she'd look at me romantically if we were ever to get back together. Recently, after two years, I decided to just throw myself out there and asked her out. I was surprised she said yes. We've just been taking it super slow.
Quote from: Arch on January 26, 2013, 12:43:09 PM
My inner life...well, I'll be honest, he never knew the half of it. Nobody did until I told my therapist. My ex didn't know, for example, that I spent whole days inside my head and even sometimes drove my car while I was in fantasy mode. It was the only way I could cope. So I definitely held out on him, but that was private stuff.
^^^ I did this all the time too Arch (still do). It got so distracting that I could barely function irl...that pushed me to figure out what was going on; the start of my realization. I've shared the gist of it with my husband but...yeah he doesn't know the half of it.
Tejas: good luck on the new relationship! Taking it slow is never a bad idea.
Danielle: I'm sorry to hear that...again that seems to be extremely common unfortunately.
Quote from: ford on January 26, 2013, 06:51:20 PM
^^^ I did this all the time too Arch (still do).
I lost the ability to do it. Seems to be the price I am paying to live in the real world now.
Quote from: ford on January 25, 2013, 05:18:09 PM
I'd like to ask a serious question...
I know transition is usually a death knell for a marriage, but I was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you? Were you able to get past the physical aspect, and build a relationship on something deeper?
I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. I'm out to him...he took it pretty well, and told me that if it's 'worst case' (ie, if I want to fully transition), he'll still love me because he married me as a whole person, not just a body. It sounds too good to be true to me... I'm just worried that once any physical changes start to set in (if I go that route), he'll discover he can't actually handle it..the loss of his wife, this new strange person, being perceived as gay, etc.
Sooo...any success stories out there?
Here's my experience so far, although I'm not transitioned, still some of it applies to things you hit on. I told my SO about a year ago, and marriage survivability has been a topic of discussion with us at times. Things are fine now, largely due to my continued suppression. My SO does have some bi tendencies, however when physical changes began to appear in me that effected her very negatively (I went off HRT then). The physical aspect to it is a major stumbling block, even though we talk about other aspects about it fairly often and openly.
My husband and I have been together ten years next month, and while we have only been legally married a year, we have lived together for 9 and considered ourselves married for a long time. The paperwork was a formality. He views my transition as "just a thing" and my being trans really only factors into our relationship when I whine to him to count me down for my shot (I'm sort of a wimp). I'm changing my body, not who I am as a person. He was actually the one that encouraged my scared, wimpy ass into therapy. Not all marriages survive transition, but mine is actually much, MUCH better now that it ever was before.
I'd add more but I'm in the process of battling a flu. If you have any questions though, I'm pretty open about everything. I'd have him chime in, but he left the forums.
Ayden - Congrats on ten years! I am curious though: how did your husband respond to being viewed as gay...was that ever an issue? And how did he react to your physical changes at first? (Also I hope you feel better soon!)
I'm trying to gently suggest that my husband join the forum for a while, just to look around and see what it's about. He said he'd like to at some point, so we'll see ;)
TanaSilver - that's good at least that you and your SO do talk openly. Perhaps with discussion and lots of time the physical changes will be just a stumbling block...that is, something that can be overcome. I'm pre-everything so I wonder about this a lot.
Quote from: ford on January 27, 2013, 12:29:24 PM
TanaSilver - that's good at least that you and your SO do talk openly. Perhaps with discussion and lots of time the physical changes will be just a stumbling block...that is, something that can be overcome. I'm pre-everything so I wonder about this a lot.
Thanks sweety :) She's my soul mate, so I have an impossible time imagining life without her, so I hope you're right. I think if there is any key to making this work with a spouse, it is communication and time. I hope things out work for you, sounds like they are so far!
QuoteI was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you?
So far, so good. Two years post transition. Been together longer than some here have been alive.
She had latent bi tendencies that resurfaced after a time of head scratching and self evaluation.
We are friends first, lovers second. That has always been the glue.
Quote from: bojangles on February 01, 2013, 12:07:12 PM
We are friends first, lovers second. That has always been the glue.
Thank you. You have no idea how much hope those words give me.
I have been married for over 20 years to a truly wonderful woman who I have always regarded as my soulmate and friend more than a wife. From the day we met, we got on really well and we have always enjoyed each other's company.
I am fully socially transitioned and it is now just a matter of letting my body catch up. I am out to everyone - family, friends and work. I live, dress and present as female. My body's changes are more and more obvious and strangers now treat me as female.
We are still together because we have too much to lose by separating. We would each lose our soulmate and we both still love each other. Things were difficult in the bedroom for a while but that is now sorted out as none of my 'plumbing' works properly any more. She has never regarded herself as a lesbian although she now says that by definition she has become one. Nonetheless she recognises that I am still me, just better, calmer and happier than before. We still enjoy going out together, we now dance together (I never liked dancing before, but I love it now) and we still share the same goals for our future. Our children still have two parents and our friends and family are supporting and we are still madly in love.
I know 3 other couples who are still together and they all have an MTF transitioner. My trans group has no trans men so I cannot comment on that side of things.
Good luck with everything.
Thank you for the topic & for the replies.
I only just admitted my TG nature to my wife a couple of weeks ago when I landed myself in the ER after using phytoegstrogens for 2 days (each one lowered my blood pressure - all combined were a disaster waiting to happen). We have since been seeing a TG therapist & there has been no more self-medicating since I came out to my wife.
She is finding it hard. The phrase "I married a man" has been uttered many times. I have no idea how far I need to take this, and often feel that it would be so much simpler if I could just be 'normal' (like I have any idea what that might be), even though I have known I wanted to be female since I was 5. I managed to keep those feelings locked down for 38 years before the lid fell off the pressure cooker.
It is encouraging to hear about marriages based on friendship and trust that have survived partial, and even full, transition.
Thanks again for your words of hope :)
bev2 - thank you for sharing. I love that you and your wife still have what sounds like a fun and active time together. The shared goals comment gave me pause...
I came out to my husband a couple weeks ago, and then stepped back as best I could to let him digest this new reality. He has been asking questions occasionally, but for the most part he's off doing research about this situation, and thinking about what it means to him. Yesterday he approached me with a list he had made of his life and marriage goals (bless his adorable methodical engineer self). We went over them together, and the bottom line that he wanted to show was that my gender would not prevent him from reaching any of these goals outright. So, not an instant deal breaker in his eyes.
Of course the devil's in the details, and gender will certainly affect a few of them. He said at this point he just wants open dialog so he can understand to what extent and what to expect. It was an impressively rational conversation, given the subject matter.
At the end of it he offered to call me by my chosen male name. I told him he could if he feels alright with it and that it would mean a lot to me (I'm not anywhere close to a stage to forcing people who know my female name to use a male name...guilt guilt guilt :( )
Quote from: TessaMarie on February 02, 2013, 11:20:25 PM
I have no idea how far I need to take this, and often feel that it would be so much simpler if I could just be 'normal' (like I have any idea what that might be), even though I have known I wanted to be female since I was 5. I managed to keep those feelings locked down for 38 years before the lid fell off the pressure cooker.
Hi TessaMarie...glad others are getting something out of this! I completely understand the desire to just be 'normal.' When I see happy-seeming male/female couples irl or on tv, I feel guilt because that's what my husband signed up for. But I'm feeling that if we survive this, our relationship will be all the better for it.
I should add outright that I'm another one whose marriage was based on friendship first; we'd been best friends since high school, and we used to say then that if the "dating" aspect fell apart, we'd always have that to fall back on. As it turns out, the romance is even *better* now, but it helped to have a lot of coping skills and habits that weren't relying on the sex/romance aspect of it as the defining point of our marriage.
Tessa Marie : I always say the first few days shouldn't be taken as a sign of anything, because people need a little while to freak out. :) I was terrified and confused and stressing already about a billion changes that wouldn't happen all at once... and by a year later, she was fully transitioned and I was fine (she had GRS last summer, three years after she started, and it didn't upset me at all). No, this isn't what she signed on for, but people adapt all the time when a marriage goes somewhere unexpected. Fear of the unknown/of change can be a lot worse than the actual change, if that makes sense.
Ford : Wow, is that encouraging, and also really sweet! The fact that he's trying to be rational and to meet you halfway is a terrific sign. (Although it's OK if he wants to get irrational sometimes, too. I remember moments when the pressure to be "reasonable" was the hardest part of the situation, because I wanted to throw a tantrum like a three-year-old and then get over it.)
Quote from: blueconstancy on February 03, 2013, 09:53:39 AM
I should add outright that I'm another one whose marriage was based on friendship first; we'd been best friends since high school, and we used to say then that if the "dating" aspect fell apart, we'd always have that to fall back on. As it turns out, the romance is even *better* now, but it helped to have a lot of coping skills and habits that weren't relying on the sex/romance aspect of it as the defining point of our marriage.
This and others are such great commentaries, this being a reflection of my own life experience in marriage. Lengthy friendship preceded any intimacy, we were best friends first and foremost. Those whose marriages are founded on "Great Sex" rather than an intense initial friendship never seem to make it through the gamut. My heart breaks for those whose marriages with children crash and burn. Invariably there is limited commitment to begin with based on selfish motives.
Shantel : Same here, with the caveat that it's those marriages which *stay* based on "great sex" or "honeymoon romance" that often don't seem to have the tools to weather a real crisis. There are some which start off b/c of smoking sex and then they do deepen into friendship as well. :) On the other hand, I know at least one couple (no trans people in it) who fell apart because they were unable to have sex because of external issues for about a year. It was, as you say, heartbreaking, and it definitely only gets more so with children involved.
But if our marriage were based on sex, it would have dissolved long ago; we had long stretches of being hundreds of miles apart, plus the Pill killed my sex drive (ironically!) for years, plus nursing her through GRS was a sex-less stretch. etc. I know sex is very important to a lot of people, but personally the idea of considering it the central part of our relationship is just foreign to me. And maybe that's why, in the end, transition was survivable for us - my best friend never changed and neither did the underlying love and commitment, even if the "packaging" did and the sex was different (better, thankfully, but that wasn't the point). All I needed was to hear from *someone* that it was possible for a person to transition without totally changing personality, and then it was just a question of getting through all the challenges. Together.
I tell people now that sure, she changed a bit *faster* over that year than is typical, but it's NOTHING close to how much we've both changed since we were 17 years old and first fell in love! If we could weather all of that - including college, moving out, buying a house, and generally growing up - there was no reason to think we couldn't manage this. Similarly, she stayed with me even though I'm almost double the weight I was at the wedding and both of us barely recognize the kids we were in those pictures (we were 22 when we married). It'd be pretty superficial to leave her because *she* looked different now, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's making light of things, to some degree. But the deeper pain and challenges aren't necessarily the business of prying acquaintances, either.
blueconstancy,
Such a wonderful post! I've known my cis female spouse for fifty years. We met when she was 14 and I was 18 and married at 22 and 26 respectively. We are headed for out 44th anniversary in June and it hasn't been a smooth ride, dealing with the teenagers having drug abuse problems, our own financial ups and downs and need to recreate myself time and again following layoffs and business failures. PTSD issues from the Vietnam War, my transition 18 years ago and all that you have endured in your own experience with it. Love and undying commitment carried us through it all. The bright side of the transition was when the light clicked on and the emotionally unavailable man went away and the new emotional being emerged which only served to bring us that much closer.
Shantel - That's a fantastic story! I hope we're lucky enough to be together as long as you two have. :) And clearly you both have been through many hard times that had nothing to do with transition, and were able to face them together. Not to me ntion that you both deserve a lot of credit for getting through transition at a time when there was much less information and acceptance (and no internet). It's stories exactly like yours that would have given me so much hope, because it shines through in everything you say how much you love each other and have remained committed to the friendship as well as the marriage.
Quote from: blueconstancy on February 03, 2013, 12:40:45 PM
Shantel - That's a fantastic story! I hope we're lucky enough to be together as long as you two have. :) And clearly you both have been through many hard times that had nothing to do with transition, and were able to face them together. Not to me ntion that you both deserve a lot of credit for getting through transition at a time when there was much less information and acceptance (and no internet). It's stories exactly like yours that would have given me so much hope, because it shines through in everything you say how much you love each other and have remained committed to the friendship as well as the marriage.
Well it's like they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" I think all the adversity has created a strong weld in our relationship. As it stands now we are a couple of grey headed {she's blonde : )} folks now joined at the hip. Those who don't know us think we might be a lesbian couple, but at this point who cares? She's my best friend and I adore her, that sentiment goes both ways!
Quote from: ford on February 03, 2013, 09:12:38 AM
Yesterday he approached me with a list he had made of his life and marriage goals (bless his adorable methodical engineer self). We went over them together, and the bottom line that he wanted to show was that my gender would not prevent him from reaching any of these goals outright. So, not an instant deal breaker in his eyes.
That is probably one of the cutest things I have ever read. :) He sounds like a real sweetheart.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 03, 2013, 01:44:43 PM
That is probably one of the cutest things I have ever read. :) He sounds like a real sweetheart.
I second this!
What a timely topic. I am so happy to learn about couples who have indeed survived transition. I am almost temped to forward this to my husband and let him read it. Because, you see, last month he told me we needed to get divorced, this is not what he signed up for.
It is true, when we first married we had issues that I believe had nothing to do with my gender issues or even me in general. But he said he does not know what percentage the transgender thing plays in his decision to leave the marriage - 20% - 80%, he's not sure. And this is without changing my body at all. He wants to be married to a woman- as he says. I can't argu with that. He also is very jumpy about sexuality, I suggested we go to counseling when I realized that I must be trans and he refused because he said I was really trying to change his sexual preference. When I explained I didn't think wild horses would change the sexual preferences of a 50 year old he said he didn't care.
I am very upset, we are actually a blended family and I love my step kids and my kids love their step siblings.
Oh we'll. I am truly and completely so happy for the couples who can weather transition. It truly show that even if we change the packaging, the stuff inside us does not change. We continue being who we are. Sorry to say, some men can not get beyond the bows and wrapping paper.
Henry : First of all, my sympathy. It sounds like your husband is less willing to be flexible than some, and that's not a great sign. :( Especially if he won't work with you, in therapy or otherwise; if he's not willing to compromise, there's not a lot you can do. You CAN feel free to let him know to come read this thread, though!
I admit that I had a lot of moments of "this isn't what I signed on for" early on, too. But I tried to remind myself that nobody gets *exactly* what they expected out of a marriage. (Of course, I also wasn't 50 and with kids... easier to be flexible when it's earlier in life and there's no one but me who has to adjust.)
My husband knew I was a transman early on into our relationship. He's pansexual, so my body changing is no problem for him. He loves me as a person, not just for the shell I'm in. We've been together 7 years on March 8 (our wedding anniversary of 3 years is the same date). Like all marriages, it's not perfect, but I'm confident we'll make it to the other side of my transition just fine and age well into our senility together. We're currently in marriage counseling, but that's to work out some minor issues in a healthy manner so they don't get bigger and to improve our relationship (something I can say I honestly feel is important for any long term relationship). Our communication has improved, we are happier, and our relationship is almost like new again.
He's also incredibly supportive of my choice to pursue transition. I spent a few years lamenting surgeries and hormones that were out of our financial reaches, so I decided to try resigning to my birth sex. I was miserable, and he saw it. He encouraged me to make myself happy, especially now that he has a new job with great healthcare (I don't know if it covers trans stuff yet, but we're trying) and better pay. He's such a sweetheart.
Apoligies, this is not about surviving transition, but about taking hope from what I have read here, and what I can take away as I approach my decisions.
I cannot relate the comfort I have gotten in the minutes I have read all the wonderful posts here. I am going through the throes of telling my wife that I am transexual, and what that will entail. Our marriage is a strong one of 42 years. I came to this late, discovering I was a crossdresser only 17 months ago at age 65 then, accepting finding that I am really transgendered, and then absorbing the idea that I really am female at heart, and constantly beating myself up over it, and denying it, etc. All to no avail. She is currently not happy with my dressing, although she supports me intellectually and says she wants me to find myself, she will not see me as myself. Early on she said she could never leave, but the next day says she could never be in a lesbian relationship.
So I am going over all possibilities. Starting over at 66 is not what either of us want, and I have put such a crimp in the life she was promised when I retired, and we were "set" for our golden years. I don't have some of the concerns you younger ones do, but then i also don't have a lot of time to adjust and work through it. quandry
She has seen I have not been happy these last few months, so I know the talk will have to occur sooner or later, it all comes down to what I am willing to do or not to, and the strength of the friendship we have. I take comfort in the wonderful lives that have stayed united.
Barbara
This was one of the first threads in which I posted, only 2 weeks after I admitted to myself & my wife that I was transgender.
I feel I should give an update, even if the thread is a bit old.
Last Thursday, on her birthday, my wife told me that she is looking forward to the two of us becoming old women together.
While I have been on E for almost 7 months, I am still presenting male all the time, even at home. But not as entirely male as before. The changes have been small and slowly taken, because that is all I am able to deal with. Herself seems to be coping with me being trans far better than I am.
Our marriage is as strong as ever :)
Tessa
I will not say my marriage has survived transitioning, but I will say my marriage is surviving my transition...
My wife and I have been together in a relationship for nearly ten years and have just finished our first year of marriage successfully.
Prior to our engagement, I expressed my fear of my previous transgender expressions; she accepted my proposal anyway. 10 years later, when the stress finally hit critical mass after burying two close friends (one of whom was a mere 3 years older than me) I realized I could not bear to take my true self to my grave... I feared dying without ever living... She insisted I seek gender therapy, and between the two of them, I have found my way. Since then, she has helped me find my way and take the first steps into womanhood. Despite her protests that she is not a lesbian, she has unwaveringly supported me and repeated her love for me - regardless of my gender. Each step taken forward is with great trepidation, not for the fear of changing, but rather for pushing her away in the process. She continues to defy expectations and reaffirm her love.
Her only request has been for me to keep some parts I don't want because they make her happy... Marriage is about compromise and if I have to keep them to keep her, the price is worth paying for such a wonderful woman with such a beautiful soul.
So is it possible for a marriage to survive transition? I don't know, but I hope to prove it is possible... After all, "Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds"
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on January 13, 2014, 03:52:47 AM
I will not say my marriage has survived transitioning, but I will say my marriage is surviving my transition...
My wife and I have been together in a relationship for nearly ten years and have just finished our first year of marriage successfully.
Prior to our engagement, I expressed my fear of my previous transgender expressions; she accepted my proposal anyway. 10 years later, when the stress finally hit critical mass after burying two close friends (one of whom was a mere 3 years older than me) I realized I could not bear to take my true self to my grave... I feared dying without ever living... She insisted I seek gender therapy, and between the two of them, I have found my way. Since then, she has helped me find my way and take the first steps into womanhood. Despite her protests that she is not a lesbian, she has unwaveringly supported me and repeated her love for me - regardless of my gender. Each step taken forward is with great trepidation, not for the fear of changing, but rather for pushing her away in the process. She continues to defy expectations and reaffirm her love.
Her only request has been for me to keep some parts I don't want because they make her happy... Marriage is about compromise and if I have to keep them to keep her, the price is worth paying for such a wonderful woman with such a beautiful soul.
So is it possible for a marriage to survive transition? I don't know, but I hope to prove it is possible... After all, "Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds"
Excellent post, reads exactly like what I have been writing all along! :eusa_clap:
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on January 13, 2014, 03:52:47 AM
I will not say my marriage has survived transitioning, but I will say my marriage is surviving my transition...
So is it possible for a marriage to survive transition? I don't know, but I hope to prove it is possible... After all, "Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds"
I like your phrasing, Yukari :) (and the Erasmus & Shakespeare quotes)
Your words capture my situation very well. My marriage has survived this far. My wife tells me that, for now, she is OK with where I am & where I seem to be going. She also tells me that she cannot know how exactly she will respond to some of those future changes, so the best she can give me is: "For now". "For now" works. Future bridges are in the future. We can worry about them when we come to them.
My wife & I are also hoping to prove it possible for a marriage to survive transition. So far, life is good :)
Tessa
Very interesting discussion. I have known my partner for 17 years and we've been together for almost 13 (been in a civil partnership for 3). They told me about their trans feelings 2 years ago this month, and I've been as positive and supporting as I can. I had never identified as lesbian- I simply fell in love with one of my closest friends and that won't change. We talk frequently about his transition, fears, hopes etc and are open about it all (and I love noticing little differences due to hormones.) I go to as many appointments with him as I can (difficult because the hospital is hundreds of miles away and you have to fly), I helped choose his new name and overall, I just want him to be happy :) I'm just really sorry that not everyone is able to stay together...
I'm not married yet, but I'm in a long term(4+ year) relationship that's headed for marriage if it ever becomes legal for two men to marry in our state. When we got together I was a woman and I stayed that way for the first 3 years of our relationship. I was honest about my feelings about my gender and he was supportive. I was afraid of what would happen if I did a full blown transition, but he'd handled it very well. Our relationship hasn't changed in quality at all, if anything it's gotten better because I'm happier. He loves me for who I am, not what I look like. To quote him, "I love you for who you are, not the package you come in."
He calls me his boyfriend or fiance and we handle new situations as they come up. It's like any other obstacle in a marriage to us, this one's just a little different than, say, money or how many children to have.
I think one of the biggest transition relationship destroyers is the kind of emotional turmoil that trans* people go through during transition. Their partners not only have to deal with this but their own emotional changes. Honesty and openness is best. Even if what you have to say is hurtful it's better to set things straight as early as possible rather than letting them languish in misery. And I've had to make myself make time for him because during transition you can get so wrapped up in yourself that you don't notice other things.
Quote from: ZombieDog on January 21, 2014, 02:18:25 AM
I think one of the biggest transition relationship destroyers is the kind of emotional turmoil that trans* people go through during transition. Their partners not only have to deal with this but their own emotional changes. Honesty and openness is best. Even if what you have to say is hurtful it's better to set things straight as early as possible rather than letting them languish in misery. And I've had to make myself make time for him because during transition you can get so wrapped up in yourself that you don't notice other things.
THIS !
Very well said, Z-Dog :)
These have been two most important factors that have held my marriage together. They cannot be overstated.
Tessa
Quote from: TessaMarie on January 21, 2014, 08:04:00 AM
THIS !
Very well said, Z-Dog :)
These have been two most important factors that have held my marriage together. They cannot be overstated.
Tessa
+1 This and ZombieDog's comments reflects my own experience and opinion perfectly also!